WRITING THE PERFECT COLLEGE ESSAY

Compiled by Gail Zides

Contributors:Blaze Newman & Barbara Swovelin

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page1 Parts of the College Application2-3 An Interview with an Admissions Officer4 Traits of the Best College Essays5 Personal Characteristics Colleges are Looking For 6-15 Sample Essays16 Getting Started/Brainstorming17 Some Common Approaches/Gimmicks 18 Determining the Focus19 Unity/Organization20 Showing Writing21 Stylistic Devices22 Revising, Polishing, and Editing

PARTS OF THE COLLEGE APPLICATION

1. PERSONAL DATA

2. EDUCATIONAL RECORD

3. SAT/ACT SCORES

4. EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES AND AWARDS

5. TEACHER RECOMMENDATION(S), IF NECESSARY. THE UC'S DO NOT WANT THEM!

6. THE ESSAY(S)

THE COLLEGE ESSAY SHOULD BALANCE OR EXPAND UPON THE OTHER PARTS

THE COLLEGE ESSAY SHOULD ADDRESS THE FOLLOWING: WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL - SOMETHING WHICH IS NOT APPARENT FROM OTHER PARTS OF THE APPLICATION

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An Interview with an Admissions Officer

He still had a hundred essays to read before 6:00 p.m., and he was beginning to grow tired. My interview with him would offer a brief break from the Herculean task of narrowing ten thousand applicants to a freshman class of nine hundred.

"I hope your book works," he joked, "so maybe next year I won't have to read five hundred essays about the yearlong drama of being student council president. I'm sorry, but successful car washes just don't make for enthralling reading."

I smiled. He rubbed his eyes.

"On a Wednesday in the middle of March this job gets tough. Sometimes it seems that there are only four types of essays: the 'class president' essay, the ‘I lost but learned' sports essay, the ‘I went to Europe and learned how complex the world is’ essay, and the good old ‘being yearbook editor sure is hard work’ essay. When I read one of those, it takes amazing willpower to get to the third paragraph."

"So sometimes you don't read the whole essay?" I asked.

"No comment," he replied, changing the subject. "I wish students would realize that when they write they should have something to say. They should try to present their values and priorities by writing on a subject that really means something to them, because, other than the essay, all I have is a bunch of test scores and activities: ten thousand sets of numbers and facts. I'd like to be able to see beyond that. I want to see what makes someone tick."

"But couldn't that be dangerous?" I asked. "What if someone writes something really bizarre, just to avoid being 'boring'? Can strange ideas or comments hurt an applicant?"

"Well, if someone expressed homicidal tendencies, it would probably have a negative effect. Still, you'd be surprised how tolerant we are. A few years ago, we had a kid from Palestine

apply. In his essay, he endorsed Yassir Arafat and the PLO. As far as he was concerned, Israel had usurped the rightful land of his people and should be treated as a criminal state. The admissions officer who covered the Middle East was an Orthodox Jew. Not only did the student get in, but he graduated with honors in political science.

"In fact, being offbeat or daring is usually a plus, as long as the student stays in control of his writing. The essays, which are most effective, seize a topic with confidence and imagination. Too many applicants treat their essay like a minefield. They walk around on tiptoes, avoiding anything controversial. Of course, the essay comes out two-dimensional, flat, and boring. It seems like many essays have been read, proofread, and reproofread until all the life has been sucked out. I wish kids would just relax and not try to guess what- the admissions committee is looking for. As soon as they start playing that game, they're going to lose. The essay won't be from the heart, and it won't work.

"The great essays -- good writers discussing something of personal importance -- stick out like diamonds in a coal bin. When we're sorting through the last few hundred applications, an essay that sticks out in an admissions officer’s mind has got to help the applicant who wrote it."

"How important is it to be a good writer?" I asked.

"Writing style tells you a lot about the way a person thinks. I like when a student brings a sense of style to a piece, as a good essayist or editorial writer would do. I’ve always advocated reading the essays of E. B. White as a means of preparing for writing the essay. I also suggest that students read the editorial pages of the local newspaper. But we never discount the student who writes a simple, even awkward, essay, which is sincere and moving.

"That's why I urge students to write as they would in a diary or a letter to a friend. When you write a letter, you may ramble, but when you're finished, your letter sounds like something you would really say."

"So an honest, personal essay is best?”

"No, there is no 'best' type of essay. But when a 'personal' essay is done well, it can be very effective. The best I've ever read was written about fifteen years ago by a football recruit. His application was perfect: high school all-America quarterback, president of his class, 3.8 GPA, and a mile-long list of extra-curriculars. But his essay was about his stuttering. He wrote about his loneliness in junior high, about the girls who laughed at him, and about the wall he built around himself. Since football was something he really loved, he buried himself in it, spending afternoons in the weight room and nights in front of a mirror, practicing words and signals so he wouldn't embarrass himself by stuttering on the field.

“When you put an essay like that beside one of those self absorbed recitals of high school achievements -- there's just no comparison."

I decided to change the subject a little. “What really irritates you in an essay?”

"Arrogance and pretentiousness are bad, but the only thing that really bugs me is when a student doesn't put his personality into an essay. I always hear parents and students complain that colleges don't look so much at the individual student as they do at scores, grades, and class rank, so I'm disappointed when students don't take advantage of the only 'place in the application that allows them to express their individuality."

"Okay, then," I asked, "what do you really like to see?"

"I always enjoy essays where the author realizes that he's writing for an audience of real human beings. I also like essays with a touch of excitement and enthusiasm, and I like an applicant who demonstrates the ability to look at himself from the outside. And,

of course, wit never hurts."

"So should applicants try to write funny essays?"

"Funny' isn't a good word, because there's a fine line between something that is humorous and something that is obnoxious or inappropriate. I much prefer an essay that is amusing because of its insight over one in which a kid is trying to write a string of one-liners -- that rarely works,""

I paused for a moment, thinking how to word my next question tactfully. “How much of a ‘sell’ do you expect?"

"How much do I expect? Tons. I expect that most kids will try to wow me with their accomplishments, even though I could just look at their activities list if I really want to know. Each year we have enough valedictorians, class presidents, and team captains to fill our freshman class five times. With that many talented kids, it's hard to impress me by listing your glorious achievements.

"How much of a 'sell' would I like? None. We enroll people, not cars, and I want more than a list of ‘added features,' I am less interested in hearing what a student has done than hearing why he does what he does. Anything that comes across as a 'sell' is negative. If what comes through is a healthy self-confidence in your own accomplishments, then that's positive.

"Also, of course, a hard 'sell' can really backfire if the essay is not consistent with the rest of the application. A student once wrote an angry essay about social injustice and how the world should feed and clothe the poor. So I checked her list of activities. She had never been involved in any charities or community service programs, so I was pretty skeptical of her true feelings. No one likes hypocrisy, so if an applicant's record doesn't back up the essay, it can add a large negative factor into my decision.

A common theme which is both uninteresting and unrevealing is participation in organizations, which are 'in' at the time, such as SADD and SafeRides. Also, stating that you were listed, in Who's Who of American High School Seniors only tells me that you were willing pay.

I decided to go for all the marbles. "All said, what is the Best essay?”

“What works the best? Honesty, brevity risk taking, self-revelation, imaginativeness, and fine writing: many of the attributes, which are edited out when you ask someone's opinion of your college essay. If a student reads his application before mailing it and can say 'this sounds like me,' then he's probably written the best essay possible. Students should feel more comfortable trusting their instincts. Nine times out of ten, an essay that feels good to the writer will be good for the reader, too. And

that should make the process better for all those involved-as essay writers or essay readers!"

(The quotes from the "admissions officer" above were compiled from the comments of all the admissions officers we interviewed.)

Reprinted from Essays That Worked—50 Essays from Successful Applications to the Nation’s Top Colleges. Boykin Curry and Brian Kasbar, Editors. New York, Ballantine, 1990.

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ZIDES

TRAITS OF THE BEST COLLEGE ESSAYS

1. IT ANSWERS THE QUESTION THAT HAS BEEN POSED,

2. IT IS HONEST IN PRESENTING THE PERSONAL SIDE OF THE STUDENT.

THE STUDENT SHOWS SENSITIVITY AND THOUGHTFULNESS BY REVEALING HISIHER OWN PERSONAL TRAITS, THOUGHTS, VALUES, AND PRIORITIES.

3. THE STUDENT WRITES ON A SUBJECT THAT REALLY MEANS SOMETHING TO HIM/HER.

4. IT IS FOCUSED ON ONE TOPIC.

5. IT REFLECTS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

6. IT IS BRIEF - NO MORE THAN 2 TYPEWRITTEN PAGES.

7. IT SHOWS MORE THAN TELLS - IT USES SPECIFIC EXAMPLE(S) THAT REVEAL WHAT MAKES THE STUDENT TICK.

8. IT HAS AN INTEREST-GRABBING INTRODUCTION AND A STRONG CONCLUSION; THESE MUST BE RELEVANT TO THE REST OF THE ESSAY.

***NOTE: THE UC SYSTEM IS LOOKING FOR ESSAYS THAT SHOW PERSONAL GROWTH AND/OR REVEAL WHAT THE STUDENT HAS LEARNED FROM AN EXPERIENCE. THE UC'S EXPECT THE ESSAY TO SHOW AN EXCELLENT COMMAND OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

***FINAL NOTE: IF THE STUDENT'S TRANSCRIPT SHOWS POORER GRADES

FOR A PARTICULAR YEAR, IT IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT THE STUDENT ADDRESS THE REASON(S) FOR THIS DROP IN HIS/HER ESSAY.

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Some Personal Characteristics Colleges and/or Employers Are Looking for:

CreativityIntellectual CuriosityAbility to overcome hardshipInitiativeMotivationPersistenceService to othersLeadershipSpecial “spark”Rare TalentSubstantial experience with other racial or cultural groupsFlexibilityPositive AttitudeAbility to work well with others

6

SU BMITTED TO ONE OF THE NATION'S TOP COLLEGES

Tell us anything you think we should know.

I do some of my best thinking in the bathroom. I don't mean to embarrass anyone by talking about something so private, but it's probably a good thing for you to know in case we begin a four-year relationship in which I'll have to do a lot of thinking.

The reason I'm going public with this announcement is that this fall I began to see I wasn't the only one who felt inspired and peaceful in that small room where we are alone with our bodies and our thoughts. My dad, for instance, calls it the reading room. He thinks he's joking, but I noticed the bathroom is actually the only place he reads now. He says he's just too busy to take time for luxuries like novels. (He means in his life outside the bathroom.) My other connection was learning this last year in art history class that Toulouse Lautrec, the French painter, once wanted to hang his pictures in the men's room of a restaurant so they would be fully appreciated. "It is the most contemplative moment in a man’s day,” he said.

I've always tried to be a good son and a good student, and so for a while I followed Dad's example and Lautrec's suggestion and passed time in the bathroom by reading or looking at pictures. But that changed one day when Mom, in a cleaning frenzy had cleared out all the magazines and books and I wound up in there alone with the tiles and the towels. Pretty soon I got tired of reading the monograms on the face cloths and turned to the window, which looks out over a bit of lawn toward a few trees beside our house. Seated (I promise not to be crude), I wasn't thinking of anything except how bored I was. Then suddenly I was thinking of many things at once: a good opening paragraph for my history paper, a new way to look at a chemistry problem I'd been working on, even the perfect gift for my girlfriend's birthday, just to mention the more practical. I also had other thoughts rushing across my mind like clouds in a windy sky: the

meaning of long-forgotten conversations, sudden connections between very different ideas. It came out of nowhere and it was exhilarating. I felt like a philosopher. Since then I haven't read a word in there; I just assume the pose of Rodin's Thinker and let it happen. I guess some of it may be just physiology (Dad says I have an “awesome metabolism"), but there's more to it than that, a "' fact I learned when I once tried bringing a pad in to make some notes; it only ruined the spell. Sometimes now I write down what I can remember afterward, but the thinking I do in the bathroom is pure and undistracted, and the way to do it is to do nothing.

I get the sense from news programs I've seen that world leaders don't spend enough time in the bathroom, let alone do much thinking there. Like my dad, they're just too busy with realities to afford the luxury of pure reflection. As a result, I don't hear many exhilarating thoughts coming out of world leaders these days, nothing that shows much imagination or excitement. Just the same old deadlock on the same deadly issues. They're always flying around the wor1d, sending guns or warnings to one another, disrupting their digestions and never taking the time between all those briefings to sit down and make peace with their own biology, never mind with other countries. Even when they're home security reasons probably prevent them from having bathrooms with much of a view. I bet the White House even has a telephone in the bathroom. That would be the worst. Maybe that's why world leaders all look so constipated, even when they smile.

I think we'd all be better off if once a day we pumped all the heads of state full of apple- cider -- Dad says it's “nature's laxative" -- and locked them for twenty minutes in small rooms with a good view or some trees or a hill, or a pond, or a bird's nest, away from telephones and briefings and realities. Maybe they'd think of something.

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Ben LaBreche

(AN ESSAY THAT BREAKS THE OVERUSE OF "I" BUT WORKS BEAUTIFULLY)

Why I Write

I write because I am myself the cipher that I must solve. I write to tally, to bring order, like monks once counted slowly with stone markers. I write to re-balance what is within and without, to make permeable the membrane between the truth and myself, to open the sluices and mix myself and the world. I write to bring meaning, to create knowledge from experience. I record the number of drops that obscure the bottom of the bowl, the notes of a voice as they uncoil from their secret.

I write because I was born on the California coast. I have lived surrounded by clean, powerful lines, by the dusty, brown hills, by the vast, flat Pacific, by the cloudless sky, blue and pale like metal. I write because I come from these great, spare shapes, whose austerity makes them both monumental and subtle. I write to respond to the spirit of this place, like the Eucalyptus, growing wreathed by tongues of orange, and the coastal pine, its interior swallowed by its own black shade.

I write to fill the vacuum in a Catholic who does not believe in the sacraments. One who does not cling to rite and dogma, but whose foundation is laid in part on the Church, who cannot remove his own cornerstone, his cultural legacy, his memories. I write because I see that the monstrance is empty; I write because the presence lamp has fallen dark. Born with the echoes of Latin hymns in my ears, I try to recall a language I never learned; I write to recover what is lost.

I write because I am all of these things, indivisible as waves from the sea. Like needle' point, the meticulous art, I am pulled through and through, looping back upon myself in an embroidery of endless thread; I spin outward in expanding patterns, amplified as my parts reflect from one another. I write to answer the soft hiss and clack of spinning wool, to keep the wheel rolling, to keep the skein smooth. I write because I am the cloth woven of its own unravelings, circling through the loom to create a changing whole.

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Alex Gourevitch – Harvard

Love for Music

Let me explain why I love jazz. Good, mellow jazz massages the ear like a fine, silver-blue piece of silk; hot, quick jazz makes me just want to stamp my feet, shake my hands, and hum in a quick, sweat-bodied fervor. Jazz is freedom. Not political freedom, not intellectual freedom – I’m talking deep down joyous freedom like I feel when standing on top of a glacier with my father gazing over an expanse of mountainous beauty. A feeling almost like the giddy joy of racing downstairs to open birthday presents, or the soulful joy of accidentally finding my parents hugging and kissing in the middle of the kitchen in love-blind secrecy. That's why I love jazz -- it brings people together. Only in jazz can a young idealistic musician bring his sax to some other band's gig and sit in, playing his heart out. Jazz musicians feel no boundaries.

Jazz is contemplative and patient. I can listen to a piece of jazz and think about my weekly discussion with my father concerning my certain propensity not to take out the trash upon his command. Of course he doesn't say "Alex take out the trash" rather, he asks his self-styled catechism "Alex, why is this night different from all other nights?" And, of course, I reply in bored liturgy "Because it's trash night." These minor, inevitable conflicts spin through my head as I listen to Miles Davis or Charles Mingus in my car. Then I find my dad, we growl at each other, we pause, my dad gives me a huge mammoth hug, and I squirm but know that I love him anyway.

That's why I love jazz, because it reminds me of the love I have for my grandparents, for my dad, for my mom and for my brother. That love can be simple or complicated, but is always there like a perpetual jazz tune. Jazz allows me to express or explore parts of me other activities cannot convey. Jazz reflects my inner self more than almost anything else I enjoy. Jazz permits for both freedom and structure. Jazz improvisation belies an immediate appearance of spontaneity and freedom, yet it also depends upon a very intricate and well thought out plan. I try to live my life the same way. My actions follow a solid framework yet there is always room for a weekend road trip to San Francisco, a pick up game of soccer, or even a long night of peaceful reading and piano playing.

Jazz manages to mold conflicting ideas and concepts like freedom and discipline in a manner so smooth and subtle that I am reminded of that compromising region of the ocean where the sunlight tentatively probes the darker depths of the water and the heavy darkness of the ocean floor strains upward to form a gentle gradient from brilliant light to noiseless lack of sight. Somewhere in that lively mid region plays a long jazz tune, peaceful and charged with energy. I cannot help but love jazz.

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Kimberly Sandler

I've always been short and lived in a world of tall people. If I could, I'd tell everyone what I have learned myself: "Don't be mislead by my height. Big things can come in small packages."

I would tell them this because 5 feet 2-1/4 inches can be the size of a small missile, a steel shell, a million explosive particles; itching to be let loose, have enough energy to light up the dark sky and a voice too loud to be missed. I'd tell them this because the missile is used not only to wage war, but also, ultimately, to make peace.

I would tell them this because 5 feet 2-1/4 inches is enough human being to move the world forward. I'd make reference to Madeline Albright and Mother Teresa, two women diminutive only in size, whose extraordinary wisdom and passion put them far above their counterparts; they stand tall as examples of what intelligence and strength of character can achieve.

I'd also tell them this because 5 feet 2-1/4 inches of soccer player can throw substantial elbows. There's a look opponents get when they notice that the smallest player on the field is the fastest, toughest, and best able to control the play; it is the look which confirms that size and skill are not always directly related.

For years I wanted more than anything to live at eye level with the rest of my friends. I hated my perennial spot in the bottom row of all class and team pictures; I was embarrassed to still be shopping at Gap Kids while everyone else I knew was buying her clothes at the Gap. I worried that because of my height I was condemned to a life of being mistaken for a sixth grader. Becoming the live missile and the physical soccer player was my way of making sure this didn't happen. I realized then that being short is a blessing. My 5 feet 2-1/4 inches of space on this earth have taught me that if l use my intellect and pick my words carefully, they will come across loud, strong and clear. I learned that clearing a hurdle is infinitely more rewarding when the process of doing it is that much more difficult. The game is played with more passion, and the loss is suffered with more at stake.

I have come to understand that there is a different view of the world from down here. Though people may seem to tower above me, I can see not only what's written on their faces, but also what true emotions are worn on their sleeves. From this vantage point, I have the sense that life is less a matter of what has already happened than of what is going on right now. Though at 5 feet 2-1/4 inches I'm closer to the ground, when I look up I sure can see a lot more sky.

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Jenny Diamond Personal Statement

People trust me. And to be quite honest, I love it. I enjoy the way my naps on airplanes are quickly replaced by advice sessions held over peanuts and Diet Coke. Or the fact that my waits at bus stations often end with strangers sighing the words, "I’m so glad we had this talk." And somewhere between the exit rows and the crowded bus stops, I found a way to merge my love of people with my passion for writing. Writing human interest stories became my favorite pastime.

One person I wrote about was Wanda, the scared young woman who lives with AIDS and whose voice quivered when she spoke of the kind of death that seeped into her pores when she slept, and brushed her neck when she held her children. My body ached as she told me she trusted the first man who told her she was beautiful. She was my age then, a naïve girl raised in a silent house, and I wished myself back in time -- just long enough for me to touch her hand and tell her she was beautiful before he could. I long to rewind just long enough to catch her before his veins pumped the ghost into her body.

And then there was the story I did about T.J., the former skinhead who was awakened by the nightmares of his past. Four years ago, at 29, he found the courage to cut ties with the Hammerskins, the violent white supremacist group that dictated his every move for the last fifteen years of his life. As he spoke, I wondered if a man who had destroyed so much in so many could ever truly be forgiven. On the phone, he was vulnerable, and I was reminded of how often we mistake a person's inner fears for power. He doesn't need his façade now. He is allowed to feel -- I asked him to feel -- as I listened. He told me about the black swastikas etched in his skin, symbols that served as permanent reminders of how easy it is to choose blindness. I wondered if a man's ability to change is his greatest gift. I would like to believe this.

But there is another story, one that I am still writing in my head. It is of the 90 year old woman I visit every Friday night in her retirement home, her body shrunken by osteoporosis and left leg crippled from her last fall. She is a small bird with a broken wing, I think to myself. But some days she is convinced (or maybe it is I who convinces her) that she will dance again. Years ago, Mrs. Zideman used to Tango with her husband, who now lives only in the pewter picture frames next to her bed and in the flashing memories that come and go. I picture the red flower behind her ear as she brushes her dentures in the bowl on her lap. I used to feel repulsed when she did that, but I don't mind so much anymore. Sometimes I have to remind her to put her smile back in. She loves that.

Looking back, I realize that in every story I write, I do leave traces of myself -- my own invisible ink nestled between the quotes of others. You cannot hear my voice, nor can you see my face, but I am there, quietly asking my readers to listen and to feel.

I recognize the beauty of the secret grounds in which I have been allowed to enter.

And I am grateful.

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PERSONAL STATEMENT (TRAVEL)

I have always been mesmerized by the unique beauty of distant lands and peoples. The candid faces and breathtaking scenery captured in photos of faraway places are like windows into the realities of cultures across the world. Whether it is the extravagant charm of an ancient castle or the simple enigma of a lonely hut in the desert, my mind is equally enthralled. It is during those times, when I flip through the pages of National Geographic, or ponder over a poster with a scene-from a foreign country, that I forget about all the things that I have to get done. As my cluttered mind dears, I slowly delve deeper into the part of me that dreams of musing over masterpieces in the Louvre and bargaining in an Indonesian open-air market I have always longed to travel to distant parts of the world and engulfed myself in their different cultures.

The summer before my junior year gave me the chance to make my dreams a reality when my family decided to vacation overseas. For three weeks, I traveled with my mom and dad through Czechoslovakia, Germany, and Austria. Although I had visited Europe before, I wasn't old enough to fully appreciate the experience. This time, I opened my eyes, my heart, and my mind to the wonder of a place with new flavors and festivities, a place where my desire to explore never abated.

During this trip, I was transported to a different world in an awakening of my imagination. Gazing at the glorious murals on the ceilings of the Milk monastery in Austria, I saw myself flying, unhinged from the real world, soaring through the sky like the graceful angels that were painted upon those domed heavens. When I visited the Belvedere Palace in Vienna, my khaki shorts and blue cotton T-shirt were replaced in my mind by the royal blue silks and elaborate lace of a 16th century gown as I strolled through the lush bush gardens as a Hapsburg princess. I was fascinated by Monet's landscapes and Renoir's portraits. Both artists incorporate a blend of warm colors into each work, which, combined with an absence of tine division, gives me a sense of lighthearted tranquility. I felt at peace as I raced through the empty stone halls of castle ruins along the Danube. The dwellings of the ancient mingled with the homes of the present and the traditions of those long past still lingered in the scents of fresh, home made apricot dumplings.

The energy of the people I saw and met and the pulse of their culture still flow through my veins and I often pause, making sure that the rhythmic beat of a folk song I heard in an Austrian beer garden drums only in my mind. I remember the open smiles strangers gave me as I strolled down ancient cobblestone streets. I still feel the warm afterglow of the laughter I shared with my Czech cousins as we all made efforts at pronouncing words in each other's language. My eyes haven't forgotten how to see through the perspective of the people I met. It was in realizing how simply those who surrounded me cherished the essence of their homeland and culture, that my sight broadened to encompass all the colorful rays that the world's prism reflects.

I discovered a part of myself in that distant place, a part of me that forgot about materialism and all the worries that I had faced before. In place of the mirror that I had always gazed into, now sits a telescope that I focus on the world and its changing beauty. I have taken the time to live for the "today" in life, not the ''yesterday'' or "tomorrow." Inside me, alongside my passion to travel, exists an ability to recognize the beauty around me. Thinking of all the places I hope to visit around the world brings a smile to my face. If there is anyone who sees him/herself drifting down the Amazon in a riverboat and standing in the shadow of the Sphinx at least once in their lifetime, it is I.

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(“ORDINARY” PERSON)

Who is (Name Withheld)? Good question.

I am a familiar person, one that you have certainly seen before. I am an old acquaintance who I'm sure you know quite well. You see, when all is said and done and everyone has gone home to sleep, I stand there alone; noble and unnoticed. I observe it all. I am the hero's best friend.

It seems that it has always been my part in life to be the second man on the moon or the guy who blocked for O.J. Simpson. I'm not complaining though. My job is very important and in many ways, much more difficult. I have to be brilliantly consistent without ever being obtrusive. For example: I'm the blond-haired kid who gets hit by a ricochet just as the army is about to go over the top. My dying words are "tell my mother I fought bravely". I'm just a sweet, simple kid who doesn't deserve to die in absolutely every war movie you have ever seen. It's the kind of consistency that requires a very light hand; anyone could be John Wayne.

In a world of "stars", "co-stars" and "special guest stars", I'm a "with" but I always remember my lines and play my character to its fullest. All I ask is that you be patient and attentive, allow me to make you laugh or cry. Let me do this and we will both be happy. I guarantee it.

I'm the person who places the parsley on your $17.50 Veal Oscar. I never use too much or too little and my little piece of parsley adds style, grace and beauty to your dining experience. Without my parsley you would detect a vital missing ingredient but would be hard pressed to figure out exactly what it is. You'd inspect the wine and perhaps lightly pepper your food, yet something would be missing. Everyone needs a little parsley

Finally, I'm that third person singular narrator that you've been wondering about all these years. For as long as you've been reading books, you've been wondering who the omniscient observer is. We are one in the same. I know all, and what "I don't know I can find out or, best- of all, make up. I can wield my imagination as a sword or a feather; sometimes both.

I like being the hero's best friend even if it does occasionally mean being Andrew Jackson's horse or the Habsburg's butler. Though you may not remember my name, you will never forget me. You will miss me when I have gone.

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Sarah Chinn (LISTING)

Most people are afraid of what will happen on Judgment Day, but I don't have to worry about it. I’ll walk into a room, my karma floating gently before me, arguing with my eternal soul about who should go in front, and a great voice will boom:

''Will the real Sara Chinn please stand up" And there I shall be facing the void between heaven and hell (purgatory is not a Jewish fear: we work off our guilt on Earth) not knowing where to put myself. Let me explain.

I am a "little-bundle of contradictions". I live my life between the one hand and the other; weighing up the odds and wailing for it to come-out even. I am happy to be alive, joyous, outgoing, loving and lovable. On the other hand, I am sometimes deeply depressed, afraid, shy, hating and hateful, disillusioned with the world as it is and wishing how it might be. I am a city girl: I love noise, buildings, even dirt, and the never-ending grimy rain. But there is a freedom in endless miles of green field that draws my head away, from the grubby, claustrophobia of New York City and its concrete mile-high gravestones, stretching out into one enormous mausoleum. I am typical prim English, the product of a girls' school education: dogmatic, self-assured, liberated but restrained. And then I am the American High School Senior: wild, laughing at fast cars and football game, madly applying, to college, going out to parties and burning the candle at both ends, never fearing the dripping wax as it gets nearer and nearer the middle.

You're right, scores and grades can tell you very little about a person, although it is difficult to sum up "everything-about-you-we-don' t-already-know-but-you-think-is-interesting" in such a small space. I am glad that Yale is not the Eternal Judge, although at the moment it feels that way. But the real Sarah Chinn? The real Sarah Chinn loves her life, loves her inconsistencies, loves to make people wonder what she will do next. She is a little radical in her politics, a little hypocritical in her actions. She is trying to change the world and trying to stop it from changing her too much."

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Joe Clifford(SPORTS)

I am not sure how meaningful this is, but, if I were given the option of being either a well-reknowned intellectual giant or a Cy Young Award-winning baseball player. I would instinctively choose the latter. Sports, especially baseball and basketball, have played a very-important role in what college application forms would call “my development as a human being."

When my father was teaching me how to play baseball, he would have me get into a batting stance with my whiffle bat. Then he would purposely throw the whiffle ball directly at the bat so that I could not help but get a hit. Of course, Dad would act exasperated, putting on his "How is a five-year old kid hitting like Babe Ruth against me?" routine. The point is, not suspecting that anything was amiss, I was in my glory. Here I was, five years old, and I was laying waste to anything my six foot, 200 pound father had to offer. Even my young mind appreciated the distinct Oedipal irony. This was heaven.

As I grew older (and began to understand why l was not hitting as perfectly as I had that first day) I continued to crave the black-and-white conflicts of sports. To this day, I still play the same David and Goliath mind-games that I first played with Dad hurling the old whiffle ball at me. For example, if I'm dribbling the ball towards the hoop in a basketball game, I'm saying to myself, "Here's little Joey Clifford taking it in to that intimidating behemoth from Midtown. Oh Goodness! Did you see that? Clifford just destroyed the goon with that sensational move! What" a performer!" These mind-games are even more common when I'm pitching in a baseball game. For instance, I'll picture tomorrow's newspaper write-up in my head as I pitch. “Little Joey Clifford was just sensational out there," gushed Coach Jones, ''after the fourth time he struck out last year's MVP I just said, “Holy Smokes, what a performer!”

I have written about these David and Goliath mind-games I play because they in particular emphasize why sports have been so important in my life. The way I approach sports has been a major influence on the way I approach life.

First of all, I am not the type to say that being a point guard has taught me discipline or that being a point guard has taught me self-control and balance. I consider sports to be too pure and clean for that kind of specific and corny dissection. But, more generally, I cannot deny that sports have been the crucial factor in how I view life and how I accept challenges of life.

Sports have been called a "microcosm of life." I totally disagree. Baseball games are played in black-and-white in my mind. Life is one big gray area. Sports are simple and direct. Life is not. By way of contrast, sports have shown me that I cannot view life as a "me against the world" proposition as I would on the pitching mound. It is too selfish and egotistical a view: for the "real world.”

However, there is one area in my life where the David vs. Goliath motif that I learned through sports can be positively applied -- how I accept challenges. As the weeks tick by in my senior year, the new challenges multiply at an alarming rate. And I like to accept each of these challenges as though I were the underdog, the "David" so to speak. (I picture a movie poster. "They said it could not be done. But he surprised every one of them.") However, it is in the solving of challenges that these self-serving mind-games have to be thrown out. Dad is not throwing the ball at my whiffle bat anymore. I can accept a challenge as if it were a baseball game. But I cannot solve it by striking someone out. This is what sports have taught me.

15

ESSAY THAT DEALS WITH A DISABILITY IN A POSITIVE WAY

TELL US ANYTHING.When I look into the mirror, I see my soul. The image I perceive now, however, is vastly different from what it was in the past. I used to see my inability to sustain cardiovascular exercise.

This exercise intolerance hasn’t gone away, but now I am able to accept it as a part of who I am. To become who I am today, I had to realize that perfection is for movie stars, not for me. I also had to open my eyes to my strengths, my weakness, my desires and my fears and use this knowledge about myself to find strength. Remembering a shy, unconfident little boy, I must often look twice in the mirror to believe this self-determined person is really me.

If I look from head to toe, I can't help but see and remember my physical imperfections, my quest for answers to medical problems which began at the age of four and were always apparent to my parents, but remained a mystery to all the doctors to whom we went to seek answers. I was plagued for years while my self image suffered and my grades declined, as the medical professionals explored my body as if I were a guinea pig: first the urologists, then the cardiologists, then the endocrinologists and finally the neurologists did their entire array of invasive procedures…. AII tests proved to be fruitless until at the age of fourteen, a simple blood test revealed that I had some form of muscle weakness disease. With this simple diagnosis, I accepted my physical limitations and went into my tenth grade year with high drive and a positive attitude; thus, I was able to attain a very high grade point average during that year of study. At the end of my sophomore year, an acute attack resulted in my needing to undergo further testing and a muscle biopsy at Columbia Hospital in New York; the results confirmed that I, indeed, had a very rare muscle disease one which was not degenerative, but one which had no cure. My grades in my junior, year suffered tremendously, as the prospect of living with this condition left me with psychological ramifications which took a great deal of work to overcome.

I no longer see my medical condition as a flaw, for it has become a part of me that I now have no need to criticize. Accepting my condition meant accepting my difference, from others and believing in myself. My experiences have enabled me to deal with pain but also to sympathize with others who may be going through pain, and give them my help. Now my medical condition stands for painful events which took courage to overcome. And now when I see my physical limitations, I am able to see strength and determination, a strong will and a kind heart.

When I look into the mirror now I see my eyes and my hands. My eyes reflect my love for the written word. They also allow me to see others without casting judgment on them. I fight to eliminate prejudice from these eyes and I succeed. My eyes turn outward toward those I care about. It is very important that I use my vision to help others giving those I love my attention and compassion. My hands are my best friends in the world; they are my creators, as they are connected directly to my soul fulfilling my favorite dreams. They create lesson plans and flashcards for the curious minds of the elementary school children at the private school where I teach. And when they are needed, my hands immediately stop their work to hold another's hand and help someone else realize their favorite dreams.

When I look into the mirror, I now see my future: I see an entrepreneur, an accountant, or even an attorney. Most important I see a realm of possibilities for the interests and qualities I have already acquired and those which I hope to develop in the future. I do not take for granted the given, for that would be impractical in my life. I see somebody who possesses a drive to succeed. I see somebody who is bothered with missing a simple problem on a math test, somebody who will cry for the poor and scoff at the evil. I see a realist who will not fool himself or anyone else, for he refuses to shut his eyes.

16

GETTING STARTED/BRAINSTORMING

WRITING A THOUGHTFUL, WELL-WRITTEN COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAY TAKES TIME. BEGIN IMMEDIATELY TO COLLECT AND RECOLLECT DATA ABOUT YOURSELF (WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU'VE DONE, WHERE YOU'RE GOING). ADDRESSING THE FOLLOWING TOPICS MAY HELP YOU; HOWEVER, FEEL FREE TO WRITE ON ANY SPECIFIC QUESTION OR TOPIC YOU HAVE IN MIND. QUICKWRITE FOR AT LEAST 20 MINUTES ON THOSE THAT INEREST YOU. ALSO SEE THE FOLLOWING PAGE ON TOPICS UNDER COMMON APPROACHES/GIMMICKS.

1. (If you don't know where to begin, use this first) List all your activities for the past four years, including (1) school activities, (2) community services, (3) other activities (lessons, work, travel), (4) awards and honors.

2. Record a major travel and/or educational experience, noting your strongest impressions and how they affected you. Write down specific reasons for your impressions.

3. Select a photograph that has special meaning for you. Then explain why this photo is significant for you.

4. Describe an accomplishment that you had to struggle to achieve. Include what it was, how you felt about it, how you tackled it, and how it changed you or what it taught you.

*5. Focus: Potential to Contribute: Tell about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the university.

*6. Focus: Open-ended: This question seeks to give you the opportunity to share important aspects of your schooling on your lives, such as personal circumstances, family experiences and opportunities that were or were not available at your school, which may not have been sufficiently addressed elsewhere in the application. Is there anything you would like the college to know about you which is not described elsewhere in the application?

*7. Focus: Academic Preparation: During your high school career, you may have developed a special interest in science, language or the performing arts; or, perhaps you've been involved in a special program. Discuss one of these, focusing on how you have taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college.

8. Evaluate a significant experience or achievement that has special meaning to you.

9. Select a creative work - a novel, a film, a poem, a musical piece, a painting) or other work of art - that has influenced the way you view the world and the way you view yourself. Discuss the work and its effects on you.

10. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you and describe the influence.

11. List any shortcomings in your school record and explain why they occurred. If you could relive the last four years, what would you do differently and why?

12. Pretend you are on page 243 of your autobiography. What is taking place with you personally?

13. If you could create a public holiday, what holiday would you create and why?

14. What invention does the world need most?

15. A value you hold: how it developed and why it is important to you.

16. How has your relationship with your family shaped who you are?

17. Why do you want to go to college or university for the next four years?

18. Discuss a change you have gone through and how it may affect your future.

19. What celebrity or historical figure would you want to meet? Why? What does your interest in this person suggest about you? Describe the meeting.

20. Discuss some issue of local or national concern and its important to you.

17

SOME COMMON APPROACHES/GIMMICKS

CONSIDER USING ONE Of THE FOLLOWING COMMON APPROACHES OR GIMMICKS. THIS IS ESPECIALLY FOR STUDENTS WHO "JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT APPROACH TO TAKE." IT CAN GIVE YOU A FOCUS: A FORMULA WITH WHICH TO BEGIN. DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING UNIQUE -- JUST GET A DRAFT ON PAPER YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE YOUR MIND LATER OR USE ANOTHER APPROACH."

1. "An incident," no matter how big or how small, can provide opportunity for reflection. Explain the incident's greater significance. The incident itself is, in many ways, insignificant; what you reveal about yourself because of the incident is much more important.

2. "Box o‘ goodies." A look into your junk drawer or the shoe box that holds your assorted "I have to keep this item because it reminds me of... articles can be fun. Each of these gems (old movies stubs, a broken toy part, etc.) reveals your values and life.

3. "An object you like." I've had students write about one object, like a chair, that has special meaning; again, what it reveals about you is most important.

4. "Something you observe in others allows us to see you in perspective. One student described his brother's baseball game (and his pride in the younger sibling); another wrote about a troubled child she met while volunteering at a community center.

5. "The Metaphor" can be intellectually engaging. One' student wrote about calculus reflects his life; another wrote about how she resembles an apple.

6. "A Conversation" can present clear personalities, both in you and the person with whom you converse.

7. "A Journey," especially one that changed you significantly. I'll be sharing samples of students who used travel effectively.

8. "An Activity" can also be the focus. Again,' I can provide examples that handle activities without being banal.

9. "The List" can be quirky and allow you lots of breadth (see essay by Sarah Chinn in this packet). This one can be risky, but we'll talk about it.

18

DETERMINING THE FOCUS OF YOUR ESSAY

COLLEGE ESSAYS MUST HAVE A FOCUS, A CENTRAL OR CONTROLLING IDEA TO WHICH EVERYTHING IN THE ESSAY IS DIRECTED. ALTHOUGH THIS CENTRAL IDEA IS NOT STATED DIRECTLY IN YOUR ESSAY, YOU MUST FORMULATE ONE TO GUIDE YOU IN YOUR WRITING. IT SIMPLY INVOL VES WRITING ONE CLEAR SENTENCE (CALLED THE FOCUS STATEMENT) THAT LIMITS YOUR TOPIC TO ONE CLEAR IDEA.

EXAMPLES OF FOCUS STATEMENTS

GOOD BAD

My work as a hospital orderly helped me to cope with my own limitations.

I learned a lot working as a hospital orderly

My parents’' divorce helped me to mature, but first it made me behave like a child.

This essay is about my parents' divorce.

Being a twin helped me to realize who I really am, but it also made me realize I'd never be the person wanted to be.

There are good thing and bad things about being a twin.

I think Socrates was a great man because he shared his wisdom with others.

Socrates was a great man.

(PLEASE SEE NEXT PAGE FOR FURTHER INFO)

Zides 19IMPORTANT INFO ON WRITING THE PERSONAL/COLLEGE ESSAY

(Words in bold face are needed for every essay you write)

PARAGRAPHING:

This essay, as well as every other essay you write, must be broken up into paragraphs. You must start with an Introductory paragraph (try to keep it short), have at least one Body paragraph that shows/explains/gives examples of what you're writing about, and a final Conclusion paragraph. In general, you start a new paragraph when you start discussing a different time, place, or subject.

UNITY:

Every essay should have a single topic. You may be able to write your personal essay about winning the State Tournament and suffering through your parents' divorce IF THOSE TWO EXPERIENCES ARE RELATED. If they are not, even if they are both major events in your life, choose only one.

How do yon determine whether the topics are really connected? Ask yourself how you plan to go from one subject to another:

If you find yourself saying, "And another tiring..." or A second important event..." or "Something else affected me..." you have two subjects, not one. Choose one.On the other hand, if you find yourself thinking, "The strength I gained in living in a family experiencing a divorce helped me face the State Tournament," your subjects are connected. They can both appear in the same essay.

ORGANIZATION:

Every essay must be logically organized. Often, your essay will come to your mind in a particular order, like chronologically. However, ask yourself if chronological organization is best. You have other choices:

Reverse Chronology: Discussion of a bike trip. Consider opening with a return from your trip (or how things are now) and then flashback to tell what the trip was like.Cause/Effect Chronology: "The trip was destined to be a success for several reasons." Next, state the reasons and then tell what the trip was like.Effect/Cause Chronology: "I am the first member of my family to call myself a Republican. Strangely enough, my political awakening occurred at the dining room table." Next, go on to discuss what happened at the dining room table and then go on to say how you went on to become a Republican.Comparison/Contrast Chronology: Example: "I thought France would be an open liberal society, but I found it more closed and narrow than that of San Diego." Next, discuss how each society differs, first talking about San Diego and then talking about France. (There are other ways to do this also)Generalizations followed by examples Chronology. State one generalization or idea and then back it up with reasons and examples. Then, go on to your next generalization and do the same. Don't mix your ideas up.

COHERENCE:

Every essay must flow smoothly from sentence to sentence and from paragraph to paragraph. You use transition words or phrases for this. You can't just jump from one idea to the next without connecting them in some way.

20SHOWING WRITING

All great writing "shows" more than it "tells". For the college application essay, showing writing means using concrete, specific, particular (NOT ABSTRACT, VAGUE, GENERAL) language. This includes the use of examples/anecdotes, vivid verbs (avoid "to be” constructions) conversation, and active voice. Telling language is abstract, vague, and general.

In writing the college application essay, showing writing should be used when it reveals important information that reflects your personal traits or the way you think. DO NOT USE SHOWING WRITING FOR INFORMATION THAT REFLECTS NOTHING ABOUT YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL.

Study the following examples of Telling versus Showing writing. You should see that the Telling sentences on the left should be replaced by the Showing sentences on the right:

TELLING SHOWING

Starting with my study of European culture in high school, I have pursued an interest in other cultures. I feel there is an opportunity to continue this interest in my future life. Because of this, I enjoy traveling in foreign countries and learning about different cultures.

I fell in love with Italian renaissance art during my junior year. I can remember when it happened. It was the sixth week of my class in World Cultures, and Mr. James spent three periods showing us slides of Michelangelo’s frescoes. The colors were ravishing, the forms and figures were powerful and graceful, and the overall effect was dynamic and breathtaking. Then and there I decided I would see those frescoes for myself someday.

I worked as a volunteer fundraiser for our town's community center for the past two summers. I found the experience interesting and enjoyable.

I worked as a volunteer fundraiser for the Harrison Falls Youth Center for the past two summers. The Center holds dances, offers arts and crafts classes, and sponsors two weeks of summer camp for teenagers. I spent six hours a week at the Center, helping the director write and submit requests for funds to local businesses. My work helped the Center receive three grants with a total value of over $6,000, which allowed the Center to meet its budget each year.

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SOME STYLISTIC DEVICES-REMEMBER THAT STYLE SHOULD REFLECT CONTENT

Specific devices you can include:

Alliteration reinforces meaning and supplies a lovely musical sound. Be sure to use sounds that match the emotion you want to portray. I'll discuss this in class.

Allusion makes you appear very intelligent. Most are historical, literary, mythical, or religious.

Hyperbole (or its opposite, understatement) can add irony or humor.

Imagery comes from all of your senses: visual, auditory, tactile, gustatory, olfactory. These images produce your best descriptive writing and can be combined to great effect.

Metaphor (and extended metaphor or motif) can show great sophistication, intellect, and critical thinking.

Oxymoron can be milked for confusing periods of life.

Paradox may, like oxymoron, be used to explain situations that seem contradictory.

Parallel Construction adds organizing force, attracts attention, and supplies musical rhythm. This device also adds sophistication.

Personification adds vivid detail; the essay comes alive with it.

Repetition of a sound, a word, a phrase, or a clause adds a grammatical pattern that:, like parallel construction, gives a nice rhythm.

Simile adds unusual comparison.

Wit is amusing language that delights in its verbal power; it adds ingenious perceptive remarks: