Time-In: When Time Out Doesn’t

WorkBy Jean Illsley Clarke edited for presentation by Meg Buonforte

Ask Attend

Act Amend

Why Not Time - Out?

• When time - out is viewed as punishment:

– Child may use the time to fuel blame, and anger at the parent

– Child may use the time to figure out ways to get even with the parent or someone else

Why Not Time - Out?

• When time - out is viewed as punishment:

– Child may be encouraged to disconnect

– Child may decide that he has to obey parent to avoid punishment and refuse to obey when the threat of time-out is gone

How is Time-In Different?

Time –In• Time-in is not a single discipline tool

It has 4 ways to solve the puzzle of discipline:

Attend Act

Amend Ask

Benefits of the 4 Tools:

• Child sees him/herself as responsible and successful

• Child understands that rules are for her welfare and the welfare of the family

• Child feels that he is a contributing member of the family

Ask

• Ask questions a child can answer

Keep it simple

• Ask questions that don’t end in okay

• Ask questions you don’t know the answer to

• Ask teaching questions what would happen if…

Act

• Your actions should challenge your child to think and respond

• Act to reinforce a rule or an expected behavior

• Act to get a child’s attention when other methods of discipline have not worked

• Act to redirect activity or to interrupt misbehavior

Attend

• Attending means you are aware of what is going on in the child’s world

• Attend to the hurt child first

• Attend to the rules that are constantly broken

• Attend to a child’s needs and developmental level

Amend

• Amends are not about pain but it is okay if your child experiences discomfort.

• Making amends can help your child get past shame

• Amends should help the child become a better person

• Amends should be related to the problem

Amends

• Amends should be satisfactory to the victim

• Amends should be reasonable and not produce resentment on parent’s part

• Amends should support family values

• Amender must put forth effort

What Else Can a Parent Do?

• First: refocus on your own values

• Think about what you really

want for your child

• Ask yourself “Is this what my discipline is teaching?”

What Else Can a Parent Do?

• Second: check yourself to see if you are giving conflicting messages

• Conflicting messages create double binds

• Never smile when a child misbehaves

What Else Can a Parent Do?

• Third: Remember you are an important influence on your child’s life

-Volunteer at your child’s school -Become a cub scout/girl scout

leader

• Stand up to negative influences -Write a letter to a television station -Write your congressman

What Else Can a Parent Do?

• Fourth: ATTEND to yourself as well as your child Take a deep breath and summon the courage to parent well

Get regular exercise and eat right

Lower the noise level in your home

Turn off the T.V.

Get a babysitter and take time-out

ALWAYS REMEMBER

• Parents are responsible for the discipline process.

• Children are responsible for the outcome.

Stay connected with your child

And remember YOU are your child’s best gift.

Celebrate that!

Stay connected to your child and remember- you are your child’s best gift.

Celebrate that!

For more parenting information contact the Parents as Teachers Program near you or call 800-839-7444