ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC.ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC.

LoveLove LustLust AttractionAttraction ChemistryChemistry IntimacyIntimacy FriendshipFriendship RomanceRomance PassionPassion

Marriage?Marriage?

Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not about two people in love.about two people in love.

The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the group by forming alliances with other groups.group by forming alliances with other groups.

Through the ages, marriage was an economic Through the ages, marriage was an economic and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual defence and enough people to produce wealth, defence and enough people to produce wealth, work the land, exchange goods.work the land, exchange goods.

Husband and wife depended on each other to Husband and wife depended on each other to run the family enterprise, neither could do it run the family enterprise, neither could do it alone.alone.

Most important source of social security, Most important source of social security, medical care and economic support and medical care and economic support and survival.survival.

Being so important for so many people, Being so important for so many people, marriages were not decided by the man marriages were not decided by the man and woman alone based on attraction.and woman alone based on attraction.

Love and lust were abundant, but Love and lust were abundant, but unrelated to marriage.unrelated to marriage.

Factors that helped usher the love Factors that helped usher the love marriage:marriage: industrialization: individual has more valueindustrialization: individual has more value affluence: less dependence on familyaffluence: less dependence on family literacy: romantic novelsliteracy: romantic novels later, movieslater, movies increased longevityincreased longevity secularizationsecularization women financially independentwomen financially independent lower birth ratelower birth rate

1919thth century: W. Europe and N. America century: W. Europe and N. America accept new view: husbands as providers accept new view: husbands as providers and wives as nurturing homemakers. But and wives as nurturing homemakers. But only by the 1950s could a family survive only by the 1950s could a family survive on only one salary.on only one salary.

Love based marriage means that if love Love based marriage means that if love fizzles, the couple need not stay together: fizzles, the couple need not stay together: rise of divorce.rise of divorce.

Expectations are high:Expectations are high: lovelove passionpassion friendshipfriendship mutual liking and appreciationmutual liking and appreciation sharing many interestssharing many interests companionshipcompanionship intimacyintimacy commitmentcommitment equal participationequal participation economic partnershipeconomic partnership

Disappointments also tend to be high.Disappointments also tend to be high.

ATTRACTION:ATTRACTION: What makes us feel attracted to another What makes us feel attracted to another

person?person? familiarityfamiliarity propinquity (geographical closeness)propinquity (geographical closeness) complementarity (opposites attract)complementarity (opposites attract) similarity (birds of a feather…)similarity (birds of a feather…) income, profession, status, power (especially income, profession, status, power (especially

for men)for men) common values: long termcommon values: long term personality: short and long termpersonality: short and long term

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction:: Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA)Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA) Touch: endorphinsTouch: endorphins Touch: oxytocinTouch: oxytocin Arousal short lived: 6-24 monthsArousal short lived: 6-24 months Depletion of neurochemicals, wear and tearDepletion of neurochemicals, wear and tear Some people become addicted: change partners Some people become addicted: change partners

oftenoften Also, lack of accurate information: belief in Also, lack of accurate information: belief in

passionate love foreverpassionate love forever Historical, generational differencesHistorical, generational differences

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone): DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone):

secreted by adrenal glandssecreted by adrenal glands weak androgenweak androgen most sex hormones as well as pheromones, most sex hormones as well as pheromones,

derived from it.derived from it. same amount for males and females in same amount for males and females in

bloodstreambloodstream Pheromones:Pheromones:

derived from DHEAderived from DHEA sexual signals for both sexessexual signals for both sexes sensed by the vomeronasal organsensed by the vomeronasal organ

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): Oxytocin:Oxytocin:

pituitarypituitary released when touching or being touched by released when touching or being touched by

loved ones, even not in a couple relationshiploved ones, even not in a couple relationship seen as important for attachmentseen as important for attachment involved in parental behavioursinvolved in parental behaviours

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): PEA (phenylethylamine):PEA (phenylethylamine):

called “the molecule of love”called “the molecule of love” euphoriaeuphoria amphetamine-like substanceamphetamine-like substance produced in brain capillaries (endothelium) produced in brain capillaries (endothelium)

and in catecholaminergic terminalsand in catecholaminergic terminals low PEA levels associated with depressionlow PEA levels associated with depression some depressions successfully treated with some depressions successfully treated with

PEAPEA some people become addicted to the PEA some people become addicted to the PEA

“high” and change partners frequently to get “high” and change partners frequently to get it, as it’s higher early in a relationshipit, as it’s higher early in a relationship

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): Estrogen:Estrogen:

makes women sexually attractive and makes women sexually attractive and receptivereceptive

skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts, skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts, hipships

Testosterone:Testosterone: increases sex drive in both sexesincreases sex drive in both sexes too much is counterproductivetoo much is counterproductive

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): Endorphins:Endorphins:

produced in the brainproduced in the brain released also in response to touch and sexreleased also in response to touch and sex positive feelingspositive feelings

Progesterone:Progesterone: testosterone antagonisttestosterone antagonist lowers sex drivelowers sex drive in the pill, it lowers sex drive tooin the pill, it lowers sex drive too mild sedative, calming effectmild sedative, calming effect

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): Serotonin:Serotonin:

neurotransmitterneurotransmitter at low levels intensifies sex driveat low levels intensifies sex drive at high levels decreases itat high levels decreases it antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease

sex drivesex drive Dopamine:Dopamine:

neurotransmitter associated with all pleasuresneurotransmitter associated with all pleasures related to substance addictionrelated to substance addiction increases sex drive, promotes actionincreases sex drive, promotes action

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): Prolactin:Prolactin:

decreases sex drive, especially in men decreases sex drive, especially in men (couvade)(couvade)

Vasopressin:Vasopressin: hormone produced by pituitaryhormone produced by pituitary antidiureticantidiuretic increases blood volume and blood pressureincreases blood volume and blood pressure ““monogamy molecule”monogamy molecule” modulates testosteronemodulates testosterone levels extremes of feelingslevels extremes of feelings increases focus in lovemakingincreases focus in lovemaking

Chemistry of attractionChemistry of attraction (Cont’d): (Cont’d): All these substances fluctuate during the All these substances fluctuate during the

day and with age and environmental day and with age and environmental events.events.

The “high” is short lived (6-30 months).The “high” is short lived (6-30 months). Cultural belief in “passionate love forever”.Cultural belief in “passionate love forever”.

Passionate love vs. companionate love:Passionate love vs. companionate love: Passionate love: bonds in initial stages, Passionate love: bonds in initial stages,

flares up occasionally. May or may not flares up occasionally. May or may not lead to long-term. Not useful to weather lead to long-term. Not useful to weather hurdles of life.hurdles of life.

Companionate love: warm, steady bond, Companionate love: warm, steady bond, more realistic for long haul, friendship, more realistic for long haul, friendship, knowledge of partner, acceptance ‘warts knowledge of partner, acceptance ‘warts and all’, long-term commitment.and all’, long-term commitment.

Different couples have different mix of Different couples have different mix of each. In some, passionate love reawakens each. In some, passionate love reawakens in empty-nest phase.in empty-nest phase.

LOVE STYLES:LOVE STYLES:• eroseros• ludusludus• storgestorge• pragmapragma• mania mania • agapeagape

Eros:Eros: romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction, romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction,

intense, satisfyingintense, satisfying Ludus:Ludus:

game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, dangling on a string, not seriousdangling on a string, not serious

Storge:Storge: friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends

even if they break upeven if they break up Pragma:Pragma:

logical, “shopping list”, planned choice based on logic and logical, “shopping list”, planned choice based on logic and practical considerationspractical considerations

Mania:Mania: Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if

loved one out of range, can’t concentrate on anything else.loved one out of range, can’t concentrate on anything else. Agape:Agape:

Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless.Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless.

THEORETICAL APPROACHESTHEORETICAL APPROACHES

SociobiologySociobiology:: The purpose of attraction is to propagate the The purpose of attraction is to propagate the

species, transmission of genetic material.species, transmission of genetic material. Attractive characteristics are those that Attractive characteristics are those that

maximize survival of the species.maximize survival of the species. Women: young and healthy, physical Women: young and healthy, physical

attractiveness highly correlated.attractiveness highly correlated. Males: good providers, tall and strong and with Males: good providers, tall and strong and with

obvious material means.obvious material means. Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against. Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against.

SOME THEORIES OF ATTRACTION SOME THEORIES OF ATTRACTION (Cont’d):(Cont’d):

Byrne’s LawByrne’s Law: more reinforcements than : more reinforcements than punishmentspunishments

Berscheid and Walster’s Two ComponentBerscheid and Walster’s Two ComponentTheoryTheory::1.1. physiological arousal, undifferentiated, physiological arousal, undifferentiated,

adrenaline: heart rate, blood pressure, adrenaline: heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, etc.respiration, etc.

2.2. cognitive attribution: how we explain cognitive attribution: how we explain arousal. Influenced by situational cues.arousal. Influenced by situational cues.E.g. exercise, Capilano bridgeE.g. exercise, Capilano bridge

Sternberg’s Triangular TheorySternberg’s Triangular Theory::• passionpassion• intimacyintimacy• commitmentcommitment

Best match: partners similar in all threeBest match: partners similar in all three

Many theorists underline capacity for Many theorists underline capacity for

intimacy:intimacy:• physical: physical:

• sensualsensual

• emotional:emotional:• trusttrust• self-disclosure (mutual)self-disclosure (mutual)• vulnerabilityvulnerability• securitysecurity

sexual

non -sexual

Some cultures confuse sensual and sexual Some cultures confuse sensual and sexual

intimacy, leading to touch deprivation.intimacy, leading to touch deprivation. Touch deprivation can lead to:Touch deprivation can lead to:

depressiondepression sexual deviancesexual deviance inappropriate use of sexinappropriate use of sex

Emotional intimacy:Emotional intimacy: based on early experiences.based on early experiences.

Erikson:Erikson: trust vs. mistrust (1trust vs. mistrust (1stst year of life) year of life)

Ainsworth Attachment Theory:Ainsworth Attachment Theory: secure attachmentsecure attachment insecure anxious ambivalentinsecure anxious ambivalent insecure anxious avoidantinsecure anxious avoidant disorganizeddisorganized

(mothers and infants)(mothers and infants)PlusPlus

innate temperamentinnate temperament environmental influencesenvironmental influences historical influenceshistorical influences

Generational differences:Generational differences: concept of loveconcept of love

Gender differencesGender differences

Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991)Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) Attachment styles:Attachment styles:

securesecure preoccupiedpreoccupied dismissingdismissing fearfulfearful

Secure:Secure: see self as lovable, expect others to be see self as lovable, expect others to be

accepting and responsiveaccepting and responsive Preoccupied:Preoccupied:

see self as unlovable but see others see self as unlovable but see others positively, seek acceptance by thempositively, seek acceptance by them

Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) (Cont’d)Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) (Cont’d) Dismissing:Dismissing:

see self as lovable but see other negatively, see self as lovable but see other negatively, may put up barriers for self-protectionmay put up barriers for self-protection

Fearful: see self and others negatively, Fearful: see self and others negatively, avoid relationshipsavoid relationships

Importance of childhood, family history. Importance of childhood, family history. Can lead to ‘dysfunctional’ relationships.Can lead to ‘dysfunctional’ relationships.

Ability to have long-term, satisfying Ability to have long-term, satisfying relationships is related to identity relationships is related to identity development.development.

Four identity types:Four identity types: identity achievingidentity achieving moratoriummoratorium diffusediffuse foreclosedforeclosed

Individuals in identity achieving:Individuals in identity achieving: self knowledgeself knowledge ability to focus on each other (not self-ability to focus on each other (not self-

absorbed)absorbed) sensitive to partner’s feelings and needssensitive to partner’s feelings and needs good communicationgood communication equal powerequal power good conflict managementgood conflict management stable relationshipstable relationship

Partners with foreclosed identity:Partners with foreclosed identity: settled early, no search for alternativessettled early, no search for alternatives accept everything from older generationaccept everything from older generation rigidrigid stable relationships if no changestable relationships if no change many couples who married in the 50s with many couples who married in the 50s with

foreclosed identities are divorcing nowforeclosed identities are divorcing now

Partners in moratorium identity:Partners in moratorium identity: identity in crisisidentity in crisis self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to

partner’s emotional needspartner’s emotional needs alternate between avoidance and alternate between avoidance and

engagementengagement unstable relationshipunstable relationship

Partners with diffuse identity:Partners with diffuse identity: mutual dependencymutual dependency not trying to achieve separate identitiesnot trying to achieve separate identities rely on each other for self-definitionrely on each other for self-definition make excessive demands on partnermake excessive demands on partner threatened if one attempts independencethreatened if one attempts independence communication vaguecommunication vague repression of conflict and hostilityrepression of conflict and hostility very susceptible to external pressures:very susceptible to external pressures:

• adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, arrival of childrenarrival of children

TYPES OF INTIMACYTYPES OF INTIMACY Mutual intimacy:Mutual intimacy:

commit part of self to union but retain commit part of self to union but retain individualityindividuality

strong degree of commitmentstrong degree of commitment equal sharing of powerequal sharing of power high levels of communicationhigh levels of communication same basic valuessame basic values accurate perception of partner’s needsaccurate perception of partner’s needs good conflict resolutiongood conflict resolution

Pseudointimacy:Pseudointimacy: interaction at superficial levelinteraction at superficial level low level of true communicationlow level of true communication conflict avoidance rather than resolutionconflict avoidance rather than resolution can last if mutually convenientcan last if mutually convenient can have similar valuescan have similar values

Merger:Merger: one dominant partner, one submissiveone dominant partner, one submissive can last if values remain samecan last if values remain same rigid rolesrigid roles relate in stereotyped waysrelate in stereotyped ways low awareness of partner’s emotional needslow awareness of partner’s emotional needs

MARRIAGE:MARRIAGE:

Young adulthood (20-45)Young adulthood (20-45)

Conflict (Erikson):Conflict (Erikson): Independence/lonelinessIndependence/loneliness

vsvs Intimacy/loss of freedomIntimacy/loss of freedom

Advantages:Advantages: intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual)intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) interdependence (sharing resources and interdependence (sharing resources and

tasks)tasks) belongingness (Maslow)belongingness (Maslow) shared parentingshared parenting continuity (memories, habits)continuity (memories, habits) shared identities (partial)shared identities (partial) men: better mental, physical health, longevitymen: better mental, physical health, longevity

Disadvantages:Disadvantages: constraints of shared decisionsconstraints of shared decisions loss of privacyloss of privacy need to accept other’s habits, quirksneed to accept other’s habits, quirks responsibilitiesresponsibilities women: double shift, others come firstwomen: double shift, others come first

TYPES OF MARRIAGE:TYPES OF MARRIAGE:• TraditionalTraditional• Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners)Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners)• ContemporaryContemporary

Subjective perceptions differ from objective Subjective perceptions differ from objective

assessments: partners tend to see equalityassessments: partners tend to see equality

where outside observers don’t.where outside observers don’t.

COHABITATION:COHABITATION: More common today: More common today:

POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living QuartersSharing Living Quarters

Young adults: “courtship”, usually precedes Young adults: “courtship”, usually precedes marriagemarriage

Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorcedMiddle-aged and old: widowed or divorced

SAME SEX COUPLES:SAME SEX COUPLES: Men: Men:

Relatively low % monogamousRelatively low % monogamous Women:Women:

Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy commoncommon

SEX AND MARRIAGE:SEX AND MARRIAGE: Enormous individual differencesEnormous individual differences Frequency higher before children and after Frequency higher before children and after

empty nestempty nest Couples satisfied with sex report Couples satisfied with sex report

satisfaction with marriage overallsatisfaction with marriage overall Actively religious women report better sex Actively religious women report better sex

life in marriage, more orgasms. In life in marriage, more orgasms. In decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant, decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant, CatholicCatholic

Cultural DifferencesCultural Differences::

1.1. Group/family orientation: collectivisticGroup/family orientation: collectivistic

2.2. Individual orientation: individualisticIndividual orientation: individualistic1.1. individual wants less important than group individual wants less important than group

needs and decisionneeds and decision

2.2. individuals more importantindividuals more important

Immigrants: Immigrants: intergenerational conflictsintergenerational conflicts

Arranged marriages:Arranged marriages: pragmatic vs. love marriagespragmatic vs. love marriages

Importance of social supportImportance of social support