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12 The Pioneer Log March 2, 2012FUckdoor

TOAST OF THE WEEK:

THE WORD FUCK You Caught My Eye 

 Wanna mack on somebody in a public orum?Email a “You Caught My Eye” to piolog@gmail.com

 All articles written in the Backdoor are jokes. Funny jokes. Don’t take them seriously because they don’t take you seriously. Seriously. Oh, wanna do a comic or shower us with compliments? Contact Erin Ruprecht or Marcia Belsky.

 You: A toolMe: Still looking to get screwed.

 Jager bombs this weekend?

 You: Annie GustavsonMe: Josh Dinn

 You: Fancy-shoed peacoatted-poet in aplume o smoke unshared by me.Me: From aar, hella crush-mun.

 You: Sexy Senior Babe rom BahrainMe: Having an uprising over you

 You: Blue-eyed Crew member.Me: Hoping you’ll row, row, row my boat... oar else.

 You: Serena rom Love Line on KLCMe: Heard the radio show! just wantedto let you know I always was a an! I

think you’re totally ucking awesome ;)

 You: Spicy Ginger.Me: Hoping you’ll settle thesebutteries in my stomach. Getit? Because o ginger’s medicinalproperties...

 You: Mama HamsterUs: Wanting to be your baby hamstersor ever

 You: Fixing your glasses with pipe cleaners.Me: Curious to know i you’re just as bendable.

Have you seen...? : Using movies as a means of gettin’ some

She knows what’s up...

Remember being thirteen? Where theonly reason you went to the movies wasbecause the movie theater was the only place where your parents couldn’t preventyou rom sticking your ngers in andaround the undiscovered territories o your boyriend or girlriend? While itmay no longer be acceptable or us to pay $12 to go see a terrible movie just so wecan sloppily make-out the entire time,

there’s hardly a soul that wouldn’t benetrom remembering the oddly precociousinstincts o our newly pubescent selves:movies get you action. We may no longerbe brace-aced and soaked in hormones,but with a ew slight adjustments, moviesstill wield the ability to get us swimming inthe genitalia o our preerence. So, sit back,unwind, and prepare to get tingly.

HE BASICS:1. If you want sex, you gotta avoid sex Tis tip seems contrary to what one mightexpect. Logic would suggest that watchingan NC-17 movie with copious copulation would plant dirty, sexy ideas in the head o your potential boink buddy. WRONG. It’s just awkward. A couple steamy scenes won’thurt, but i you’re watching a borderlineskin ick, it’s just going to place a weird and

unsexy pressure on the whole situation.2. Pick something artsy and slow-paced Not only do you look cultured by pickingsome art cinema staple by a renown oreignlmmaker, but the slower the movie goes,the more likely you are to start talking, andthe more you start talking, the more likely you are to let your hands do the talking...SCHWING!

MACHING HE RIGH PERSON WIH HE RIGH MOVIE:It’s a sad act o lie that sometimesridiculously attractive people areuncultured, prudish, or both. Don’t expectthem to enjoy an Almodóvar movie.Others, however, will be ready to jump yourbones as soon as you can say “BernardoBertolucci.” Here’s a quick rundown o thebest movies to show your orthcoming uck riend based on his or her personality:

Te Loner / Dark Horse:Do you think this person sits alone andbroods at lunch because they love the world? O course not. Tey hate it. Pick a movie that ofers a dark and bitingcommentary on the state o the world. Becareul not to pick a movie so depressingand devastating that only the most twistedo sociopaths would still want to bumpuglies ater watching it. Dark comedies areusually a good route to take.-Examples: Barton Fink , Love and Death,Network , Ater Hours, Withnail And I , Te Discreet Charm o the Bourgeoisie 

Te Activist:Unlike the last person, this individual wantsto leave his/her movie-watching experienceeeling inspired and uplited. You don’t

have to go as extreme as something like Mr.Smith Goes to Washington, but you don’texactly want to whip out 21 Grams either. Your best bet is probably a documentary or a movie where someone singlehandedly makes a diference in the world-Examples: What Would Jesus Buy? , King Corn, Kolya, Cool Hand Luke, Te Great Escape, Conessions o a Superhero

Te Drug Enthusiast:Tis person thought that their mind couldnot be more blown than when they saw Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or the rst time.I all goes according to plan, their minds won’t be the only thing that gets blownonce you introduce them to the surprisingly minduck-lled world o critically acclaimedcinema. Tere is, however, a ne line. Keepthe Jodorowsky in your pants i you know  what’s good or you.-Examples: Koyaanisqatsi, Pi, Enter the Void, Polyester, Persona, Fantastic Planet,Eraserhead, Videodrome, Te White Ribbon,

Te Man Who Fell to Earth

Te Indie Darling:I you’re a true lm enthusiast, you canshow pretty much any o these movies to acute little indie boy or girl and they’ll think it’s the greatest thing since they saw Royal enenbaums or the rst time. Tis said,there is still an indie threshold. Anythingthat was shot with a low budget and starsa bunch o unknowns is sure to get themhot. Be sure to talk about how it’s just ashame that this movie never got the criticalattention it deserved. It’ll give the two o you something to eel elitist about together.Tat’s how love is made.-Examples: Welcome to the Dollhouse, Ghost 

Dog , Kicking and Screaming , Four Rooms ,Slacker , Bufalo ‘66 , Drugstore Cowboy , Sex,Lies, & Videotape 

 Well, there you have it, olks. Remember,you don’t actually have to see thesemovies, just Wiki them. Now grab someprophylactics and go out there and get todiddlin’, you dirty, dirty rapscallions, you.

I had this weird, alse impression that the word uck could not possibly ofend anyone anymore.Cuntnuggets, was I was wrong.

Now, I’ll admit, at times we’ve used it in excess, mayhaps even arbitrarily. But we here at the “Fuckdoor” would like to deend our requent use o the word uck. So, i you don’t like stinky-ick no-no words thatcome rom the potty mouths o petulant children, now’s the time or you to please just ucking uck the

uck of. FUCK. As a piece o literature, the Fuckdoor is clearly very serious, and should thus be written in a style that isboth academic and appropriate, rather than in a colloquial manner that accurately reects the way college

students actually ucking talk. Ya see, that’s why the Fuckdoor exists: to be an indistinguishable, non-opinionated addition to the ormal style o the Pioneer Log. So, when we overuse the word uck or cheap

laughs, it just makes us look stupid. Anyone can do that.Look, the word uck is amazing. It can be used in every ucking part o speech and that’s in-ucking-

credible, uckhead. You can’t put uck in a box; uck can’t be contained. Fuck, unlike sooome curse words Iknow, doesn’t take itsel too seriously. It’s provocative but not racist, sexist, homophobic or prejudiced, andthat in itsel makes it pretty damned sexy. Fuck is the great unier, used by people ar and wide to expressliterally any emotion: ear, apathy, anger… you name it, uck has been used to say it. So, actually, i you

don’t like the word uck…you’re kind o a bigot.I reuse to demean my generation by calling people Motherstinkers or telling them I think something isreaking bullpoop. Also, not gonna lie, a well placed curse word will always make me giggle, and i that’s

something you think I should apologize or, then I think you’re probably kind o a dicktwat.Fuck is an aspect o how the Fuckdoor and many o its readers talk. Fuck is a component o how we think.Fuck is versatile, expressive and generally just ucking un. Fuck has been my riend or way longer and uck  will always be my riend; so don’t make me choose, bro, because I will always go with uck. Fuck is ucking

cool as shit and we will not apologize or thinking so. Fuck of or don’t, we don’t ucking care.

Do you like to draw? Dopeople besides familymembers tell you that

you’re funny? Do you holdfantastical notions of one daybecoming a graphic arteest?

Or, are you at least capable of

drawing something like this:

Contact the Backdoor editorsand create a student comic!

Mbelsky@lclark orRuprecht@lclark.

 You: Pyromaniac partier.Me: Come on, baby, light my re.