bath impact volume 11 issue 3

impactMonday 19th October 2009Volume 11 Issue 3www.bathimpact.com

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‘Town Takeover’:NUS’ tuition fee protest to hit Bristol

William WanNews Contributor

T H E S T U D E N T S ’ U n i o n i s encouraging Bath students to take part in a flash mob tuition fees protest in Bristol on Thursday 22nd October.

The ‘Town Takeover’ protest, organised by the National Union of Students, will arrive in Bristol having already taken place in Liverpool, and due to continue to eight other UK cities, including London, Manchester and Cambridge, as part of a nationwide tour to highlight NUS’ figurehead campaign for the year.

The Students’ Union in Bath has also identified Higher Education funding as its ‘biggest’ campaign for the 2009/10 academic year. It has

arranged transport from Bath to Bristol to enable students to attend the protest, at which it is understood the University’s Pro-Vice Chancellor Learning and Teaching, Professor Ian Jamieson, will be a speaker.

The event wil l see a mass demonstration along with live music. The Students’ Union’s group will leave Bath at 12.20pm and return at 3.00pm.

In a statement about its ‘Funding Our Future: Town Takeover’ programme, NUS said: “These events will see NUS, Students’ Unions and students working and campaigning together to ensure that we get our messages out to the wider public and make sure that in the next General Election, like the last one, higher education funding is a doorstep issue.”

The protest comes just weeks after a report by the Confederation of British Industry sparked outrage with NUS, Students’ Unions and students nationwide. The report, which suggested students should pay more for university tuition, that support provided by central government should be reduced and that a more ‘realistic’ interest rate should be set on student loans, was condemned by the NUS as ‘astonishing’, but President Wes Streeting admitted in posts on micro-blogging site Twitter that it represented the ‘classic CBI.’

University of Bath Vice Chancellor Glynis Breakwell sits on the board which produced the CBI’s controversial report. To take part in the flash mob campaign, register a place for transport at www.bathstudent.com/towntakeover

ELEVEN THIRD year students and two members of staff from the Department of Biology and Biochemistry were s tranded i n H o n d u r a s a f t e r r i o t i n g caused by the return of exiled President Manuel Zelaya. The chaos and unrest caused by the demonstrations on the streets and on the roads led to the closure of many of the main borders and airports . The s i tuat ion was particularly catastrophic for travellers and non-rioting civilians, leaving it unsafe to either go outside or stay inside.

T h e g r o u p h a d o b t a i n e d permission from the police to travel to a hotel in San Pedro after dark, but it was far from a safe trip. Trip leader Dr Mark O’Connell said: “Travelling to the hotel that day was probably the most nerve-wracking time as whilst we were not in any immediate danger, there were lots of people on the streets, including the military.”

Once in the hotel, the group say they were treated well and have described the experience as less threatening than what had come before. But a lack of information from the outside meant it was still a stressful situation, they added. Breaking of glass, collapse of brickwork, setting off of car alarms and sudden hoarse outcries of pain and anger could be heard from inside.

Isolated and estranged from

exactly what was happening on the outside, the group stayed in the hotel for three days. “The situation changed hour by hour,” said O’Connell, “but the students stayed in fantastic humour. They were obviously anxious but very calm.” O’Connell and fellow staff member Dr Rene Van Dijik’s insistence on keeping the students occupied and positive is said to have changed what could have been a monstrous ordeal to a far from woeful experience.

Once the curfew was lifted, the group safely left Guatemala and arr ived at Heathrow on Saturday 26th September - four days later than their schedule had intended. “There were lots of broad smiles and plenty of emotional reunions when we arrived back in Heathrow,” added O’Connell. “The timing of events was pure bad luck but I don’t think this additional ‘adventure’ has detracted from what was a fantastic trip.”

It is also reported that one student caught up in the delays, who subsequently missed a train on her arrival in the UK, is locked in dispute with train operator Cross Country. The female student is seeking reimbursement of the cost of the train journey she missed, but Cross Country are said not to have been forthcoming as yet.

Were you among the Biology students stranded in Honduras? Send us your stories - follow us on Twitter @bathimpact, or e-mail [email protected]

Bath biologystudents stranded in Honduras amid political coup

Chris WottonNews [email protected]

OUT IN FORCE: NUS President Wes Streeting described the CBI’s report as ‘classic CBI’

Who likes shiny, pretty, sparkly explosives?

News,

Page 4

If you like your Features with a whole lot more sex...

Features,

0

Professor Science talks to his alter ego

Science,

Page 15

News2 IMPACT MONDAY 19TH OCTOBER 2009

Editor Tim Leigh [email protected] Editor Chris Wotton [email protected] Editor Emma Simmons [email protected] Editors Josie Cox & Sian Lewis [email protected] Editor Steve Ramsey [email protected] Editor Phil Bloomfield [email protected] Editor Sean Lightbown [email protected] Editor David Kennaway [email protected] Editor Peter Pratelli [email protected] David Kennaway [email protected] Sub-Editor Katie Rocker

Special thanks to: Sam Foxman & Debora Sönksen

Contact DetailsPhone 01225 38 6151Fax 01225 44 4061Email [email protected]

Web www.bathimpact.comTwitter @bathimpact

ImpactStudents’ UnionUniversity of BathBathBA2 7AY

If you want to write, design, take photos or otherwise contribute to impact, come along to a contributors’ meeting, get in touch with the Editor, pop into the office in Norwood House level 4 or log onto our website (www.bathimpact.com)

Students’ UnionVP CommunicationsBen [email protected] 386679

AdvertisingEnquires Helen [email protected] 386806

InformationThe opinions expressed in impact are not necessarily those of the impact editors nor of the University of Bath Students’ Union. Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the information contained in this publication is correct and accurate at the time of going to print, the publisher cannot accept any liability for information which is later altered or incorrect. impact as a publication adheres to the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Conduct. Please contact them for any information

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SLC under fire for loans discrepancies

CRITICISM HAS been levelled at the Student Loans Company and the Government for an apparent discrepancy in rules surrounding student loan repayments, which will see students who enrolled at university after 1998 pay more in interest than those who took out loans before that.

The rate paid on student loans is determined based on the Retail Price Index in the March preceding each new academic year. The RPI measures changes in the cost of everyday goods and services to consumers in the UK, and thus the state of the economy as a whole.

Student loan interest rates are set at the RPI but, as the RPI in March of this year was -1.4 percent, those who enrolled before 1998 will benefit from a new interest rate for this academic year of -0.4 percent, in effect reducing their debt. But students who started Higher Education later are subject to different rules, meaning the interest rate on their loans will not fall below zero.

In a statement, the Student Loans Company said: “The decision has been taken because loans are already well subsidised, and it would be difficult to justify to taxpayers a situation whereby students take out loans in 2009/10 and their balances are immediately reduced.

“Whilst to date the March RPI has set the student loan interest rate for the following academic year, the law allows Government not to set an interest rate: effectively making the rate zero percent.”

Aaron Porter, Vice President for Higher Education at the National Union of Students, said: “Whilst this is the best deal we could have expected…graduates entering the toughest employment market for decades will doubtless feel a huge sense of injustice in comparison to their pre-’98 counterparts.

“The constant t inkering by

government with grants and loans…needs scrapping in favour o f a s i m p l e , s i n g l e s t u d e n t support scheme everyone can understand.”

But the SLC stressed there would be no change to monthly repayments. “Borrowers repay nine percent of their earnings over the income threshold of £15,000. Whatever the rate of interest is, that monthly repayment will not change,” it added.

The scenario has developed alongside repeated criticism of the SLC for its failure to properly handle the payment of loans and grants to thousands of students in time for the start of the new t e rm, w h ic h N U S Pre s id e nt Wes Streeting condemned as ‘completely unacceptable’.

R e s p o n d i n g t o S L C C h i e f E x e c u t i v e R a l p h S e y m o u r -Jackson’s c la im on nat ional television that it was ‘reasonable’ for fifty thousand students to start university without the full loans and grants to which they were entitled, Streeting said: “It is completely unacceptable for some of the poorest and most vulnerable students in the country to be left short of funds because of the incompetence of Student Finance England, and it is particularly insulting for Ralph Seymour-Jackson to claim that this situation is ‘reasonable’.”

“Student Finance England has assured us time and again that significant backlogs would not be a problem, but now it is apparent that this is not the case. Ralph Seymour-Jackson needs to stop downplaying the significance of the problem so that universities can step in where necessary with contingency funding.”

NUS has since called for an independent inquiry into the circumstances surrounding the SLC’s administrative fiasco, and an inquiry has now been agreed.

“Student loans are a lifeline to many people, and without them the costs of university would simply be unbearable”, he added.

STICK IT ON THE CARD: Thousands of students nationwide were left without promised financial support at the start of term.

News in BriefX-dream bikes hit STV

NEW X-DREAM exercise bikes have been installed at the Sports Training Village, combining a fitness bike and a video game to add entertainment value to training sessions. While riding, a computer screen on the front of the bike displays the real time landscapes ahead. Computer generated opponents give an extra boost, summoning the spirit of competition, while brakes and gears recreate the feel of a traditional bike. In a statement, the STV said: “They give you a total body workout as the handlebars move against a resistance. We all know that training with your friends is a great way to get results. With the X-Dream bikes, you can link them together to create a race between you and your mates…let the bragging commence!” To find out more, call 01225 383597 or e-mail Richard Turner in the STV at [email protected].

SU recruits steering group members

THE STUDENTS’ Union is looking to recruit ordinary students to share their views and influence SU and University policy in a number of steering groups. Scarlett Seager, VP Welfare & Diversity, is spearheading efforts to fill the SU’s Ethical and Environmental steering group, and the Equal Opportunities steering group, while a web steering group will guide the future direction of the BathStudent.com web site, as well as voicing concerns, problems or frustrations with the website. Students interested in joining should contact Ben Cole, VP Communications at sucommunicat [email protected]. Scarlett can be contacted at [email protected].

Bath hosts Science Cities Summit

BATH HAS played host to the sixth Annual Science Cities Summit, with scientists and innovators from all over the UK gathering at the City’s Assembly Rooms to exchange ideas and experiences. The Bristol City region was designated one of six Science Cities by the Government in 2005 in recognition of its outstanding achievements and strengths in science. The other five Science Cities are Manchester, York, Newcastle, Birmingham and Nottingham. The University of Bath’s Vice-Chancellor, Professor Glynis Breakwell, spoke to delegates at the conference dinner in the Pump Rooms. Ron Humphreys, Head of Corporate Relations at the University of Bath and member of the Science City Bristol partnership board, said: “We’re delighted to be hosting the conference here in Bath. Science City Bristol region brings together business, academia and government to create a more connected science community. It promotes the South West’s scientific achievements to help attract more world-leading scientific enterprise and research, creating a culture which celebrates and values science and technology.”

MONDAY 19TH OCTOBER 2009 IMPACT 3

NewsSU President: “11 was axed because First broke the rules”

BUS OPERATOR First was forced to axe its new Number 11 service after it broke the rules on the operation of buses on campus, Students’ Union President Daniel O’Toole has said.

Posters used by First to advertise the U-turn described the changes as coming ‘after discussions with the University of Bath about the safe operation of buses within the University grounds’.

But writing on the BathStudent.com web site, ‘Dot’ O’Toole said the University had introduced a Code of Practice following the breakout of ‘bus wars’ between the two rival service providers. Rumours suggest that these had involved First’s drivers deliberately parking so as to prevent UniConnect buses from pulling out of the Campus’ bus stand before them.

“In this [Code of Practice] agreement…any changes made

to services that would stop on Campus would have to go through the University first,” said O’Toole. The University is able to insist on this procedure on the basis that the Campus is classified as private land.

“ F i r s t c h a n g e d t h e i r 4 1 0 service with an 11 service without consulting the University. Not only was it planned that the new 11 service would be arriving on Campus more often, it had completely changed its route so

that it would follow the 20A/C now run by Wessex Connect and subsidised by the local council, B&NES, as well as the University.”

First, which previously ran the circular 20A/C route, cancelled the service in May, describing it as commercially unsustainable. The move left students in more remote areas of Bath stranded and unable to get to campus. Wessex Connect, which now also runs the U18 UniConnect service

from the University to Lower Oldfield Park, was the Council’s preferred bidder, and was later awarded the contract to run the service.

“First terminated this [410] service to replace it with the Number 11 service and it was this 11 service that the University refused entry to,” added O’Toole.

O’Toole also appeared to counter apparent criticism of the Students’ Union sabbatical team. He said: “This matter has not been swept

STUDENT FUNDRAISING group Rag will once again play host to Bath’s biggest firework display as the annual Family Fireworks return to campus on Saturday 7th November.

The event, sponsored by Wessex Connect, Cowlin and ISG Pearce, will raise funds for the Rag general appeal fund, which is annually distributed to charitable causes voted on by paid-up Rag student members.

A l l m e m b e r s o f t h e community are welcome at the event, which opens at 6pm. The display will begin at 8pm,

and other entertainment on offer will include a funfair, a road-show by student radio station 1449AM URB, and performances by University arts societies, showcasing a wide range of student talent, from fire juggling to singing and dancing.

While entry to the display will be free of charge, there will be a recommended donation of two pounds per person or five pounds per family. Costs of running the display, in the region of eight thousand pounds, have been covered by sponsors, meaning, say the organisers, that visitors can be assured all donations will go directly to worthwhile causes.

Hanna Wade, a s tudent

Rag fireworks return to campus - 7th November

LET RAIN BE NO DAMPENER: Last year’s event went off with a bang despite bad weather

ALL CHANGE: The Bright Orange Bus will now pick up where it terminates

under the rug…the Students’ Union and its Sabbatical Officers, including myself, are here to represent you and your needs - and we are fully aware that transport to and from the University is very much a ‘need’ of students.”

The 11 service will continue to run for several weeks, to enable First to fulfil its legal obligations. First bus passes will remain valid on the service during this period, and single fares will be available for just fifty pence.


coordinator of the event, told impact: “The recession has made it all the more difficult for us to get sponsorship, so we really are more grateful than ever for every penny donated.”

The Rag group are a lso seeking volunteer marshals to aid with the logistics of running the evening event, particularly in the areas of traffic direction, crowd control, fundraising and sales of glowsticks and other novelty items.

As impact went to print, Wade said: “At the moment we have only 15 volunteers out of the 50 we need - the role really is crucial to the event going ahead and going well, so we are hoping people will be kind

enough to spare a little of their time. Everyone still gets to see the display, so no-one ends up missing out.”

O t h e r u p c o m i n g e v e n t s planned by Bath Rag, which has raised over one million pounds since its inception in 1967, include a ‘sleep-out’ on the Parade to raise awareness of homelessness and raise funds for local charity Julian House, and ‘LOST’, where participants are taken to an unknown location in the UK and challenged to hitchhike their way back to Bath in the name of charity.

Bath Rag, which is affiliated to the Students’ Union, is run almost entirely by students at the University. Speaking of the

Family Fireworks, Volunteer Support Worker Tom Davidson said: “It shouldn’t pass without mention that this large-scale event has been organised by student volunteers who have worked around their study commitments to bring the event to both students and residents alike.”

T h o s e i n t e r e s t e d i n volunteering as a marshal at the Family Fireworks should contact Hanna Wade by e-mail at [email protected].

Find out more about the fireworks display and other Rag fundraisers, and sign up to get involved with their year-round work, at www.bathrag.com


4 IMPACT MONDAY 19TH OCTOBER 2009

Food for thought -Bath mothers’ group gets fresh ideas for free cookbook

A GROUP of Bath mothers is rethinking the recipes in the cookery book it distributes to freshers at the University, after discovering the true depths of students’ culinary talents. The Mothers’ Union prints the cookbook, which reached a record circulation of five thousand copies this year and includes inexpensive but healthy recipes that are easy and fun for students to recreate. Through the book the Christian group aims to encourage students to experiment with cooking themselves instead of relying on fast food and ready-made meals.

But after ‘finding that some students can do more than boil an egg’, the writers plan to include more ‘adventurous recipes’ to challenge

eager cooks. The revised edition of the cookbook will also include tips for saving money on food and cooking, which will undoubtedly prove useful for students on a tight budget. Among the suggestions are ways to use leftover ingredients to create curries and other dishes including bubble and squeak. Reusing leftovers is already a hot topic thanks to the Government’s high profile ‘Love Food, Hate Waste’ campaign.

Cookbook co-ordinator Elizabeth Perrott said: “We’ve had many positive comments. Students find it very useful and use it to share meals together. Second and third years come back for a new copy and encourage the first years to pick one up.”

The group is also known for giving out homemade flapjacks and other

free treats at the annual, largely commercial Freshers’ Fair. This year’s fair was another success, with a great number of companies in attendance, providing samples and free gifts ranging from mugs and pens to pizza - with one company

Mobile ‘Cycle Hub’ shop and repair service rides upthe hill to campus

THE UNIVERSITY marked the arrival of the first mobile bicycle repair service on Monday 12th October.

Open from 10am to 4pm and part of an initiative co-ordinated by the Department of Estates, the aim of The Cycle Hub was to offer a variety of services, ranging from free safety checks to repairs and services.

The Cycle Hub mobile bicycle shop was located on the green in front of Marlborough and Solsbury Court student residences, just north of the bus arrival square.

The intention, if the scheme is deemed a success and is well received by staff and students, is to follow up with regular monthly sessions.

If the project continues, advanced booking will be essential. To book, call The Cycle Hub direct on either 0117 902 0177 or 07824 776923.

The Cycle Hub is an external organisation which works in partnership with institutions like the University ‘to promote cycling and benefit the cycling community’.

It claims to ‘provide a high quality, welcoming service which is good value for money’.

Based in Bristol, the three-person team also provides similar services to Bristol City Council and the University of the West of England. It also provides a range of mountain bike training courses in Bristol and Somerset’s Mendip hills.

The move, part of wider efforts to promote cycling at the University, comes as the Campus’ Security S e r v i c e s s e e k t o e n c o u r a g e cyclists to show consideration for pedestrians when using shared paths. Security staff say they have received a number of calls about the personal safety of both cyclists and pedestrians on the roads and footpaths around the campus. A plea is also made to drivers of vehicles that, when overtaking, they give cyclists at least as much room as they would when overtaking a car.

Did you use The Cycle Hub while it was on campus? Do you feel safe as a pedestrian on the paths around the University grounds?

Tell us what you think - e-mail [email protected].

FRESH TALENT: Could the new Gordon or Nigella really be among this lot?

Julia LipowieckaNews Contributor

ON YOUR BIKE: The University is looking to encourage safe cycling as an environmentally-friendly way for students and staff to get to and from campus

even offering free haircuts on stage.

Are you a fresher and a dab hand in the kitchen? Did you get a copy of the cookbook?

Or are you a typical ready meal student who couldn’t live without

the microwave? Share your favourite recipes and cheats with the Features team - follow us on Twitter, @bathimpact

Get more inspiration for cheap, healthy food at www.tinyurl.com/budgetmeals


News

Laurence WhitakerNews Contributor

Changes to bus stop arrangements on campus cause confusion

PICK UP and drop off arrangements for buses at the Campus’ bus stand have been changed as a result of a review of the safety of buses on Campus. Following the University’s Code of Practice, to which both service providers now adhere, buses now pick up and drop off from their own individual sites.

First’s 18 and 418 Bright Orange Buses will now pick up and drop off from where both buses previously dropped off passengers only. Meanwhile, the U18 UniConnect service will pick up and drop off from the bus shelter.

Students ’ Union sabbatical officers working on the issue have stressed that the bus shelter

remains open for the use of passengers on all bus services, and in addition have indicated

that work is in progress on a new bus stand, plans for which include space for a taxi rank. Such plans

THE STUDENTS’ Union wil l hold a ‘make-your-own’ Fruit and Vegetable Catwalk Show on Thursday 5th November. Any society or individual can get involved in what is aimed as an eye-catching attempt to promote the Healthy Living campaign.

The only requirement is a suitable costume in the shape of a fruit or vegetable, and a volunteer keen to model it.

Writing about the event on the BathStudent.com web site, VP Welfare & Diversity Scarlett Seager said: “You can be as creative as you like, and if you want to make items ‘fashionable’ in a fruit/veg style, go for it!”

The SU’s Vegetarian Society is thought to have already expressed an interest in being involved.

The Catwalk Show is aimed to increase the profile of healthy living within the University and to create awareness of the links between healthy eating and mental wellbeing.

The Catwalk will be the main

event of the day, but there will also be an appearance by chef Gizzi Erskine, presenter of Channel 4’s ‘Cook Yourself Thin’. Erskine will hand out free food samples and hold demonstrations showing how to cook healthy food.

Entry to the event i s f ree with collections from student fundraising group Rag on entry. In addition, there will be prizes for the best costumes and even a free fruit and vegetable giveaway. The event is being run in conjunction with the BBC, who will be providing funding for the fabric and materials to create the outfits.

To register your interest, e-mail Scarlett at [email protected].

Go on, make a fruitof yourself: SU tohost ‘fruit and veg’ catwalk show aspart of healthyliving campaign

NO LEMON: VP W&D Scarlett

James HemsonNews Contributor

ALL CHANGE: The Bright Orange Bus will now pick up where it terminates, next to the bicycle shelter

James HemsonNews Contributor

f igured on the manifestos of several sabbatical candidates at the last elections.

It is so easy to have a poor diet as a student, but it can affect your mood and how well you do in your work.

What tips would you give me on how to improve my diet?

Just cut out the rubbish and stop snacking on unhealthy foods, and go to the supermarket and grab a few veggie deals.

Five minutes with Scarlett Seager...

WHAT’S INVOLVED in the fruit and veg catwalk show?

We need volunteers to come along in homemade fruit and veg costumes. There will be fruit and veg music (yes, there is such a thing) and commentaries.

How is the hunting for volunteers going?

We are still recruiting, anyone can get involved, and it is a competition so there are prizes!

What other activities have you got going on as part of your healthy eating campaign?

Alongside the catwalk we are h o l d i n g a h e a l t h y c o o k i n g competition. We want your photos of the recipes, and have prizes for the best ones, like meals at Bath restaurants and cookbooks.

Why is healthy eating so important for students?

What do you do to keep fit?For a start I try to avoid coffee - I’ve

heard that an apple can wake you up just as much as a coffee does! I also try to run as much as I can - I’ve run the Bath Half marathon before and I’m planning on running it again. Apart from that, I just do the usual things, like trying to eat a variety of different foods - I’m really into spicy

Your VP Welfare & Diversity talks to impact about running, caffeine-rich apples and bunchosia.

HAPPY AND HEALTHY: The campaign will promote links between healthy eating and mental wellbeing


News

things, but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

What’s your favourite fruit?I want to say something really

exotic like the bunchosia (Google it!) but actually, I really like bananas, drab as that sounds.

And what about vegetables?I love onions, but I’m really into

courgettes too.

What would you do with some leftover carrots, mushrooms and onions in your fridge? What’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Er, risotto?

Scarlett is based next to the Aware centre on the Students’ Union corridor in 1 East level 3, or you can e-mail her at [email protected].

“A poor diet can affect your mood and how well you do in your work.”

DRAGON FRUIT: the new bikini?


CommentWelcome by the Features kids

ARE YOU a final year student? Struggling to find an interesting job, never mind a career? Surrounded by smug industrial placement students who have been offered their dream job without any effort? Well, here are a few excuses to avoid the harsh reality of life after graduation:

1. It’s a recession, there aren’t any jobs so why bother looking.

2. You’ve scrounged off your parents for this long, why stop now?

3. Plan to travel. You’ll be unavailable for any interviews, so there isn’t any point in trying to get one.

4. Volunteer for a few hours a week. You can’t be selfish enough to give up making abandoned children feel loved for your own personal gain.

5. That job with a starting salary of £55,000 and 30 days holiday is NOT good enough for you. Reject it on the grounds you are better than that.

6. Steal every traffic cone in Bath whilst you are drunk and disorderly; the criminal record makes you totally unemployable.

7. R u n f o r S A B B , i t ’ s technically a job but you have to

attend all the parties for research purposes. Well, you wouldn’t be any good if you weren’t in touch with the student masses, would you?

8. You’re a novelist/artist; you just have writer’s block/no inspiration.

9. Become a pool or darts pro. It is now essential that all your time is spent in the pub practising.

10. Find a rich man/woman and marry them quick!!

11. If you’re desperate, and I mean really desperate, do a masters or PHD. Sure you are stuck in education forever but look on the bright side; you are stuck in education forever!

HELLO LOVELY student readers! I do hope you enjoy reading this issue of impact, which is Josie and my first joint venture as Co-Eds of the Features section. Features is where everything that doesn’t fit anywhere else gets put - it’s the spotty misfit freak of the high school of journalism, people. Josie and I really like weird stuff (Josie l ikes the more serious political oddities, sexy finance stories and important matters in the real world. I like articles about ducks and Smarties). If you also like the unusual, please feel free to write us a witty, thought-

Sian Lewis & Josie CoxCo-Features [email protected]

Please send all

your weird and

wonderful musings to

features@bathimpact.

com

What future?Lizzie LancashireFeatures Contributor

provoking or downright bizzare-yet-fascinating-in-the-manner-of-Michael-Jackson article and send it our way. Or a column on your awesome life. Or a cookies recipe. We will publish it and you will be mega-famous. We like features on cookery, travel, fashion, politics, finance, art, hobbies, social life, sex and all kinds of winged creatures. Exciting things in my section include the fabulous secret contributor Felix on various politically incorrect topics, the brand-new Sexaholics guide to naughty stuff (woohoo!), foreign correspondence from our lovely Parisiennes, and of course myself talking about absolute rubbish every fortnight. Enjoy yourselves.

xxxx Sian

Dear Readers. First of all , thanks for picking us up and flicking through to the Features section. Perhaps you’re on the bus, perhaps you’re killing time waiting for a friend, or worse still, perhaps you’ve just been stood up and need some instant distraction to prevent you from channelling you’re frustration insensibly. Perhaps you’re in a lecture counting the minutes until five past, perhaps you’re in Parade, wolfing down some chips, or maybe - just maybe -

you are reading us because you’re genuinely interested in what we have to say. Whatever the reason, Sian and I have done our best this week - as we promise to do for the rest of the year - to provide you with a Features section which is multifaceted, interesting and which you can relate to. We may both be girls, we may both study languages and we may both be stunners (*ahem*), but we are, in fact, two very different people. We have different interests, different styles and different lives and we hope that this will be reflected in our joint section. If it’s not, then why not do something about it? My mum always told me that I alone was responsible for my own happiness. Not happy with what you’re reading? Submit your own article. Perhaps it will make that lecture just a little bit shorter, that wait a little bit more bearable and that stand-up a little easier to bear. He/She wasn’t worth it anyway!

Josie

The UNITE Guide To Maintaining Household HarmonyCLEANING TOILETS, emptying rubbish bins and washing up can come as a shock to the system for many students living away from home for the first time.

But adjusting to uni life and setting up home in a new town or city can be one of the most exciting times of your life. UNITE Group is the UK’s leading developer and manager of student accommodation. This week they provide some helpful tips for happy house sharing.

* How clean is your house? Avoiding household chores can become a major gripe, so always clean up after yourself in communal areas like the kitchen. Everyone has differing standards, but no one can complain if you keep the mess to your own room.

* Working out a rota: A rota can split opinion. They can work for some and fail miserably for others. Give it a go though. Cleaning together every week, or splitting out chores, means they’ll always get done. If that doesn’t work, sit down with your housemates to work out the best solution.

* Caught red handed: Don’t pinch other people’s food, drink or toiletries. It never goes unnoticed and won’ t make you very popular! Ask first or take a trip to the shops to stock up on supplies yourself.

* Study time: No matter how close you are to your housemates, everyone needs their space especially when there’s work to be done! Try and be mindful when other housemates are studying by keeping loud music and disturbances at a low.

* Fair share: It‘s a good idea to keep a household kitty for things that everyone will use. This will help avoid any disagreements about who paid for what. If you’ve used the last of something, don’ t forget to stick it on the shopping list.

* A clean bill: Household bills can be a headache if you’re not organised. If you’re moving into a private house, decide who’s responsible for setting up suppliers and paying the bills as soon as you move in. Alternatively, choose to live with in-managed student accommodation. UNITE wraps up the cost of utility bills, internet and contents insurance in its prices.

* Shower hogging: If you’ re sharing a bathroom, keep an eye on the time you’ re spending in there. Find out when others are getting up and need to shower so you can plan ahead. The same goes for evenings out! If you’d prefer not to share a bathroom, most UNITE rooms are en-suite.

Students can browse, organise viewings, view virtual tours and book rooms online by visiting www.unite-students.com or find out more by calling 0800 783 4213.

Is Obamamania Over? BARACK OBAMA is a father, husband, Harvard Law Graduate and the first elected African-American President of the United States of America. He has proven to most that racism is an unaccepted notion from the past and the future of America relies on the ability to recognise the country as a melting pot for different cultures, ethnicities and religions. And to top it all off, he’s now won the Nobel Peace Prize.

During the presidential campaign Obama was seen as the guiding light; someone who was going to represent America in a positive way after Bush had tried his hardest to tar its image. The world waited with bated breath as the campaign reached its climax and Obama followers wanted a piece of history in the making. His popularity was continually increasing and the sales of kitsch t-shirts, mugs and even commemorative plates bearing the future President’s name, began to soar beyond everyone’s expectations. Obama became an instant celebrity, people wanted to buy into his campaign by purchasing items which had little value and an abundance of poor taste, in an attempt to cement their support for the budding Presidential candidate. After only a short while, his rock star status enabled him to

Unfortunately, his initial efforts did not prove popular and sales of Obama cardboard cutout figures began to fall . The estimated $75 billion of government funds spent on bailing out mortgage borrowers did not please the Republican crowd as many saw it as a personal affront, poor judgement and a waste of tax payers’ money. As a result of this, many felt that Obama was using money too lavishly and also questioned his lack of input with regards to certain topical issues such as gay rights: all talk and no action maybe? This fire was further fuelled when it was recently announced that he had been awarded a Nobel Peace Prize; even Democratic Obama enthusiasts wondered what he had done to achieve such a distinguished honour so soon into his presidency.

However, regardless of the apparent decrease in sales of Obama souvenirs, many retailers have insisted that the Obama ‘hope’ image still sells and the temporary ‘inaugural’ store has remained a permanent fixture due to its popularity. Therefore, has Obamamania really ceased to exist or has the novelty just worn off while we wait for the man who promised hope to America to emerge triumphant and show us what he is really made of?

gain coverage internationally; his star was definitely on the rise and the Obama jack-in-the-boxes were selling faster than ever.

Once elected, Obama was expected to begin his quest to help America in its fight to conquer the world.

OBAMA-IN-THE-BOX : SO yesterday?

Will the G20 Save the Day?

ON THE 25th September, on the streets of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, amid tear gas and a rain of rubber bullets, police clashed with thousands of protesters marching to catch the attention of the world. A G20 summit never goes down without a fight and the September forum was no different. Five thousand demonstrators filled the streets to rally against the G20’s inaction on key issues. So, what was all the excitement about?

The G20 is The Group of Twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors representing nineteen countries and the EU, the major players of the global economy. The expanded group has replaced the G8 as “the premier forum for international economic cooperation,” i.e. it runs the show now. The agenda of the G20 includes some great lofty goals:

halting climate change, promoting sustainable development in Third World Countries, balancing out the world economic order to ensure peaceful prosperity for everyone… These ambitions all have real-world implications and affect each and every one of us; therefore how they will be carried out and more importantly when they will be carried out is what gets the blood of the G20 critics and protesters rushing.

Most recently the G20 leaders have focused on stabilising the world economic system threatened by a global recession. This September the group met for the third time since the eruption of the financial crisis, focusing on reviewing the stimulus policies it has implemented so far and instituting permanent reform to the financial markets, which will ensure their stability in the future.

Will the G20 save the day? It seems that for the time being most

of the world is tepidly beginning to recover from the blows dealt it by the economic recession. Yet the path to recovery remains fragile and fraught with danger and it will take time before we see any permanent economic upturn and the G20 can switch off the “economic life support”.

The danger is that with its eyes set on lifting the world out of the recession the G20 will turn its back on the other tasks at hand: rebalancing of the world economic order to include the emerging superpowers of China and India, the ever-looming threat of climate change and aiding the forty percent of the world’s population still living on less than two dollars a day. And that is why the protestors in Pittsburgh were willing to brave tear gas, pepper spray and police batons – to remind the G20 leaders to put their money where their mouth is and bring some positive, tangible change.

Julia LipowieckaFeatures Contributor

The Lisbon Treaty: Will it Sink or Swim?

AFTER A second referendum on 2nd October, Ireland has ratified the Lisbon Treaty, making it near certain to come into effect with only the Czech Republic left to sign it. Ireland, unlike Britain, has a constitution requiring a referendum on all decisions that will affect how the country is run. Although Gordon Brown promised a referendum on a European Constitution, he decided against holding one for the Lisbon Treaty. David Cameron, on the other hand, has promised a referendum if the Conservatives win, should the ratification process not have finished by then.

What effect will the introduction of the treaty actually have? Officially, the introduction of the Lisbon Treaty will mean “amending the treaty on the European Union and the treaty establishing the European Community”; it comprises two hundred and seventy pages of complicated legalese amending the contents of several current EU treaties into one single document.

The first and most significant change will be the selection of a President of the European Council, who will serve for two and a half years. The front-runner for this position is former Prime Minister Tony Blair. If Blair secures this position it means he will once more have some executive power in the UK, being able to enforce

EU sanctions, all without being elected and earning about £100,000 more per annum than he did as Prime Minister. This has obvious implications for the Conservative Party, with Cameron having to work with Blair as an equal once more. William Hague, Shadow Foreign Secretary, has spoken out, saying, “There could not be a worse way to sell the European Union to the people of Britain.” The post of EU High Representative for Foreign and Security Policy will also be created. In addition to this, the Treaty will turn the current EU Charter of Fundamental Rights into a legally binding document and all EU legislation proposals will have to be sent to member state parliaments; they will have eight weeks to pass or reject them. Representation in the EU commission will also change; instead of one commissioner for each state, membership of the commission will rotate every five years. The European Parliament will be more powerful, but a smaller body of representatives. Voting weights will be redistributed between member states in accordance with a shift from unanimity to majority voting. Finally, the treaty provides for the progressive framing of a common defence policy for the EU. However, it still hasn’t been ratified by all twenty-seven EU member states; it can’t be enforced, and time is running out, with the Commission’s mandate due to expire at the end of the month.

Patrick ChristieFeatures Contributor


Features

Lucy R NewmanFeatures Contributor

Ye be Warned, Graduates Not Welcomeopportunities will remain limited for some time. This presents us with a nasty looking labour market.

On one side, the firms that graduates would traditionally look to apply to will be taking on fewer newbies. These will be large firms with the capacity to take on the costs of training inexperienced but highly capable individuals. When cash flow is tight and business demand is disappearing, the first budgets to cut are research and development and graduate recruitment.

The other side is the competition. T h e u n f o r t u n a t e o n e s w h o graduated a few months ago are finding it extremely difficult to find anything they want to do. Those of us who will be finishing next summer and looking at grad schemes in the coming months will be up against almost two years worth of graduates. On top of this there is an increasingly formidable labour pool of highly skilled and qualified late 20 to mid 30-year-olds emerging, who have been made redundant. These people have the advantage of experience, knowledge and maturity to draw from. As they get ever more desperate they will begin to settle for positions usually allocated to debutant graduates.

Being from Bath, however, we have a few of our cards to play.

We are a top national university by any measure and businesses understand that Bath University places a premium on preparing its students for their future. At Bath - unlike at most universities - it is the norm and not the exception to do a placement. The first year of anyone’s professional career is the steepest learning curve of all. Office politics, professional responsibi l i ty , working in a national or even global orientated environment: these are necessary skills and experiences that will enable you to hit the ground running after graduation. To your

superiors on a grad scheme you can appear vastly more competent than the rest, and where first impressions tend to stick this is a golden ticket!

But consider the members of our generation who are not in our position. There is a growing number of young people stuck in limbo. The government has labelled them NEETs; Not in E d u c a t i o n , E m p l o y m e n t o r Training. These are 16-18 year olds who are not working or working towards working. These are young people for whom doors to the future are closing rapidly,

and there are fears this trend could lead to “a lost generation”. In a few years these people will be at their most productive and will be part of the section of the population that contributes most to tax revenues, supporting the rest of the community. We are already heading towards an increasing number of elderly people who will rely on our tax revenues for healthcare and their pensions. On top of that we will be paying down the huge public debts which we have been landed with. Can we afford to bear the burden of this Lost Generation?

THIS RECESSION has hit young people disproportionately hard. Applications for university have shot through the roof this year because employment alternatives no longer exist in the volumes of previous years. The unemployment rate for 18-24 year olds is 19.7 percent and far above the long-term trend rate of 14.2 percent. In the coming months many of us will be looking for places on graduate schemes and entering the labour market. It will be extremely tough. We will be striving for fewer places against a great deal more competition. We are the fortunate ones, those who will tend to be employed first, but there are worrying trends emerging for much of the rest of our generation that may prove difficult to forget.

Downturns frequently provide the impetus for what economist Joseph Schumpeter coined as ‘creative destruction’, the decline and ultimate elimination of older, less competitive industries, to be replaced by new, more productive alternatives. Think coal mining with nuclear power and steel production with business services. However, significant job cuts have occurred in industries like aerospace technology, communications and financial services and employment

Alain de BossartFeatures Contributor

The Sex Industry and How to Keep It UpJosie CoxFeatures [email protected]

hard to quantify overall sales from year to year, it is evident that the multibillion pound industry is not as thriving as it was a few years ago. Piracy, free online content and legal challenges have also adversely affected the industry, in the same way as they have cracked down on the struggling music industry.

And publications too, are not flying off the shelves in the same way as they once did. Despite the fact that the Playboy Bunnies smile just as suggestively from the covers, consumer’s pockets seem to have become a lot shallower.

“You have to be willing to work for less than usual. Anyone who

says they aren’t lowering their rates is lying,” Playboy model Daniela Victoria - who says that she used to average $1,000 to $1,500 a day - informed CNN.

One journalist has even gone as far as to postulate that the downturn in the sex industry - including the sales of media, toys, and garments, but also the rate of prostitutes - provides an effective indicator for the whole economy.

Economist Matthew Lynn, from Bloomberg news agency, claims that the Latvian sex markets and the price of prostitutes in the country of just over two million is the perfect indicator of the strength of global trade.

“There’s no barrier for people coming here and the price is very flexible. It can change by the hour, by the day. It tells you very, very quickly what the state of demand is,” Lynn told Russia Today newspaper. His argument rests on his claim that the price for sex in Latvia has collapsed by more than sixty percent since the start of the crisis and is strained to the same extent as the global economy. Like the global economy, the sex trade too is still in shambles.

Fortunately, some economists are already forecasting a light at the end of the tunnel - perhaps even a red one. Australia’s central bank

STIFF RECESSIONAL challenges tightened their grip on almost all sections of the economy last year. The sex industry was not the sector hit hardest by the downturn, but it couldn’t escape the pinch entirely, and now - as the world slowly picks itself up - it seems fair to question whether the decades-old assumption that sex sells still rings true.

There are currently around ninety licensed sex shops trading in the UK selling anything from toys to DVDs to raunchy underwear. According to the Durex global sex survey, twenty one percent of us regularly make use of vibrators, a fifth would like to try an orgasm enhancing gel, fourteen percent would consider aphrodisiacs or pheromones and thirteen per cent would be interested in a spray to delay male orgasm. In a nutshell: sex is popular. But at all costs?

“The adult entertainment industry is facing its first downturn ever in its history,” Alec Helmy, president of XBIZ - an organization that covers all sectors of the adult entertainment business - told US television network CNN. Although, as Helmy explains, most adult entertainment companies are privately owned, making it

this week lifted the nation’s official interest rates up one quarter of a percent to 3.25 percent - a clear signal that the worst has passed. At the recent G-20 meeting in Pittsburgh, leaders of the world also painted an optimistic picture, and the Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index - which tracks the performance of the five hundred

largest publicly held companies that trade on the NYSE Euronext and the NASDAQ - has managed to gain a whopping 54.5 percent since its March 9th 2009 low.

A promising upwards trend that will help to get other things back up too? Only time will tell and if worst comes to worst, we can always head Down Under.


Features

Features10 IMPACT MONDAY 19TH OCTOBER 2009

The secret diary of a

IT HAS come to our attention that the University of Bath needs sexing up! We, the Sexperts, are prepared to take on this saucy challenge! As fourth year students we believe we have the sexpertise, the sexperience and the willingness for sexploration to revolutionise your love life! In each issue we will reveal the secrets to successful dating, pass on the juicy goss and general advice on the Looove thing. We nominate ourselves as the first official Cupids for the University of Bath. Whatever you need to know, whatever you might have doubts about we will dig out the answers, but BEWARE... Cupid’s arrows can sometimes take an unexpected course. Prepare yourselves, the sex-over has begun!

Love, The Sexperts x x xP.S. Find us on Facebook! Search for “Bath Cupids” and add us as a friend!

The Chronicles of SiâniaOKAY, WELL-MEANING people, let’s get to the facts. I don’t want a job. Not unless I can be a Blue Peter presenter or the Queen of the world. I like things now, in my little house in Oldfield Park with my lovely friends who want to do nothing but play peanut wars and make duvet dens in the living room. I like spending my days asleep in lectures and my nights in an array of fancy-dress and cider-stained clothes. I like laughing in the face of coursework and instead putting all of my energy into making toilet roll structures, wearing the same socks for so long they have personalities and washing them would be a bit like an abortion, and of course writing pointless crap for impact. I don’t want occupational guidance talks and careers meetings and graduate trainee schemes and future gazing and CV building. I don’t want 9-5 working and suit-

sweating and mortgage paying and furniture buying, nooooooooooo no no no no no. Sadly this doesn’t cut it on a “Why you should fund me to do a PhD” application. I know it’s fourth year, I know I can’t carry on forever and I know that one day I’ll quite like owning curtains, making bread in a kitchen free of mould and having a permanent address. I just don’t want to plan for it and watch the precious days of freedom slip away. I’ve already got fourth-year syndrome: a desperate bid to cram every kind of student-orientated fun you never bothered with into your final semesters - as a result I can now kind of surf and will be attempting to skydive - a.k.a. fall from a plane attached to a big handkerchief (how hard can falling be, right?) - next weekend. This is a massive difference to my Freshers year, which I spent getting wasted on Strongbow and watching House so often I twice

correctly diagnosed his patients. My grown-up friends tell me that it’ll never be like this again, and I know it won’t. This shit is about to get real, my fellow final years, so lets be crazy while we can. Come round and bring some peanuts.

Sian LewisCo-Features Editor

SEXAHOLIC

PO NA Na’s 8/9 NORTH ParadeRIVALRY BETWEEN the more laid-back Po’s and stuck-up Bridge on Monday nights divides students’ opinions. A fourth year redhead chemist thinks Po’s is the place to be when temperature in the vaults rises and the cool kids get their sweat on. Get your skinny jeans on, down a double vodka and Shark and catch yourself a hipster for the night.

SECOND BRIDGE10 MANVERS StreetYOU HAVE to dress to impress to even get into what is, according to you, one of the best places to find an easy date in Bath. Sip a cocktail, flutter your eyelashes and let the ambience do the talking. Girls, you won’t find your mysterious w a l l - b a n g i n g n e i g h b o u r i n here, according to second year Accounting student Michelle, who prefers the bigger rugby boys: this is where it’s all at.

BLUE ROOMSY O R K B U I L D I N G S , G e o r g e StreetGET YOUR glad rags on and prepare to shake your tail feather on Thursday at this chic blue concoction of cocktails and tunes where according to Ian, you can “pull like a peacock - not with your moves but with your killer stares”. Beware of the cheap but nasty drinks: they could make a crow look like a swallow!

THE PORTER15 GEORGE StreetVEGGIES, GET networking at arty and laid-back Porter and approach that Bellringer-drinking tall, dark and quirky stranger in the corner. Towards the end of the night, descend to the cellar where the DJs spin and throw some shapes to charm that indie geek.

UNIVERSITYCLAVERTON DOWNLECTURES, LIBRARY and lunch: is this all you thought it was about?

Well, you were wrong. Library level 5 can be just as exciting through the day as it is after dark. Other hotspots include the architecture studios with those huge desks perfect for experimental design, labs where white-coated chemists work their secret potions, and even Level 1 where jacket potatoes, cheese and beans isn’t the only thing you can enjoy for lunch.

FLIRT!CAMPUSGUYS, IT doesn’t get easier than this. Get her an alcopop at the bar and woo her on the dancefloor with your classic Baywatch run. We know it’s hot in there but do try and keep your clothes on; after all, it’s just a short walk home.

YOUR HOUSEIT SEEMS that Bath students prefer to bed mutual friends in the comfort of their own home where you’ve got the liberty to choose the music, the nibbles, and most

EPISODE 1: In which I wish people would just bloody shut up about careers and build forts out of sofa cushions with me instead.

importantly, the guests. Freshers Sophie and Millie reveal that the residents of Woodland Court aren’t afraid to mingle and mix with each other: “Our flat is the best place to pull!”

SOCIETIESSTART AT the sports fair, head to the socials and work your way up the hierarchy. Natural Sciences student Hugo strongly advises you to join the committee of a society: “Authority gets you a girl anywhere!” The Sexperts have also discovered that extreme weekends away with the surf or snowboarding society offer more than just cold thrilling rushes.

BUS STOPLAST BUT not least, from the Sexperts’ personal experience, forget the clubs and drunken chat-up lines: the daily commute to university is where it’s all at. Don’t bury your face in the Metro or lose yourself in the comfort of your iPod: keep your eyes open, your ears perked and enjoy the ride...

The best places to pull in Bath...

Capricorn (22 December - 20 January)This week’s theme: wearing ridiculous hats to lectures.Aquarius (21 January - 19 February)Beware of the ducks around the lake this week. They’re up tosomething... I know it...Pisces (20 February - 20 March)Today you will be traumatised by an altercation with a stapler. You’llcome off worse than the stapler.Aries (21 March - 20 April)Top tip: Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.Taurus (21 April - 21 May)The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of all freshers. It could be because of that flattering photo of you in mintyFresh.Gemini (22 May - 22 June)Hide!

GREETINGS FROM the heavens my star children. I am Madame Soufflé and I will traverse the astral planes and helicopters in order to guide you through the year. Are you nervous or anxious about the week ahead? Fear not; for Madame Souffle will guide you through the darkest patches, with her prophetic words making you a more resilient and wiser person.

Madame Soufflé

HOROSCOPE

Cancer (23 June - 23 July)Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or the yellow pages, or your housemate’s calculus textbook.Leo (24 July - 23 August)Today will be a complete waste of time. You may as well just stay in bed.Virgo (24 August - 23 September)Avoid yodelling today.Libra (24 September - 23 October)Beware! Darkness will soon surround you. A deep chill will run down your spine. Well, that’s what you get for forgetting to pay your heating and electricity bills.Scorpio (24 October - 22 November)You’ve always wanted to start your own religion. Today is the day to get cracking! Otherwise, an uneventful day.Sagittarius (23 November - 21 December)There was something that I was meant to do with my life... now what was it?

Our lovely columnists report on la vie en rose in ParisGina Danielle ReayAFTER SPENDING three incredible months in the amazing French capital, my friends and family in England had persuaded me to spend a weekend with them at home in good old Yorkshire. I was extremely apprehensive about this visit as not only could it disrupt my new found Parisian, francophone identity but it

had the potential to inject an emotion I have not yet experienced during my stay here, homesickness. As it turns out there was no reason to worry, it was a nice break from working life in Paris and a nice little reminder of what I had been missing in England; home cooking, countryside living and weekends watching the local rugby in a wind-shielding gloves, hat and scarf combo!

It was also a wake-up call as to how little time I actually have left till I finish in Paris at Christmas and made me determined to come back and experience everything I want to accomplish here in the next ten wintery weeks. My checklist includes: going to see some French theatre, going up the Eiffel Tower at night, seeing a fashion show, meeting someone famous, going on a Parisian student night out, having dinner on a boat and other such idealistic, stereotypical, glamorous activities!

Yorkshire in the autumn however, was a breath of fresh (and very cold) air. My friends were trying to arrange meals and drinks in gorgeous restaurants and bars during my stay but what I really wanted

was a pint down our local and a few packets of crisps. My first night was bizarre, being in an English speaking environment was now a ‘foreign’ experience to me and it took a few hours to adjust. In a rowdy bar in Leeds I made a right tw*t of myself by exclaiming in my best French accent ‘pardon’ when a drunk, northern student bumped into me and ‘merci beaucoup’ when the bar tender passed over my drink. Driving my car was also a bit weird after three months of taking the metro and the RER to get from A to B. I soon settled in though, getting used to the friendly but freezing, familiar environment that I love so much. Leaves were falling outside, the heating was on and I spent hours on the sofa, cuddling my dog and catching up on Hollyoaks; ‘What, Sacha’s with Josh? And Sarah’s dead? And Spencer owns The Loft? ’ My sister looked at me like I was an alien when the new Sean Kingston song came on the radio and I asked who it was by. I think, however, it has done me the world of good to get away from the normalities of Bath and Yorkshire for a while and immerse myself in a new culture.

Foreign CorrespondenceTHERE IS good news – I have a room! And what’s more – it’s right next to the Eiffel Tower – yes my friends,

the landmark of all sparkly, tall, French landmarks is literally one road away from my new home!

So all is well in the accommodation part of my life, but what about the studies I hear you ask? Well, I am writing this article the night before my f irst presentat ion. Which I haven’t quite finished yet…this is not a good sign. However, I have come to terms with the fact that everyone in the whole of France (even the English people) have better French than me and I am fine with it. I have decided I don’t care, I am here to learn and no one else cares that I am rubbish so why should I? This attitude works well until you are assessed on said poor quality French. We will just have to wait and see how that turns out.

In terms of settling into French society, I think I understand why F r e n c h p e o p l e d o n ’ t s e e m v e r y interested in making friends with me: I am simply too unfashionable. Even the ones who are trying to be cool and not fashionable reject me (well maybe not reject me, but aren’t the fr iendliest people I ’ve come

across!) I made the fatal error of wearing tracksuit bottoms the other day – not only outside the house, but to my lecture. This, I now know is the most faux of all pas’s. Whereas normally people ignore me in the street because my clothing is not worth looking at, I was actually receiving what I wouldn’t quite describe as death stares but more disappointed glances of loathing. Note to self - stick to the jeans.

However, I am not writing off all franco-becca relations just yet. I managed to strike up a conversation with a Frenchie and we are potentially going out for coffee this week! This may not seem l ike part icu lar ly exciting news but trust me this is a break through! It is true that a lot of exchange students find making native friends really hard but its one of the best ways to make the most of your year and your language skills. My advice to all the second years starting to think about third year now is firstly, talk to anyone (within reason, obviously avoid all scary potential stalkers) secondly, join clubs and don’t just stay in your room watching X factor on Youtube, and thirdly, do not disgrace yourself by wearing sports wear to anything other than a sporting event.


Features

Rebecca Stagg

POPULAR CARTOON mother Marge Simpson has posed nude for Playboy magazine, proving for the umpteenth time that life imitates art, if by art you mean crudely-drawn Internet porn. On a surely unrelated matter, a million people who “read it for the articles” will not be purchasing a copy this week.

Back on this side of the Atlantic, mime artist Mel B has threatened once again to reunite the Spice Girls. Why are the UN’s top negotiators in the Middle East when they are clearly needed here? In fact, what are Hamas doing bombing Israelis when there are clearly better targets? Why was the A-bomb wasted on the Japanese? Would a direct assault

on Mel B’s mansion not have been a smarter use of Gengis Khan’s Mongol horde?

Speaking of Mongol hordes, “horde” sounds like “sword”, soldiers use swords, actors pretend to be soldiers: actor Will Smith, star of every 4th July blockbuster in living memory, continues to do nothing wrong. Nothing. Not a sausage. Not even being boring, because he still does cool films, collaborates with cool artists and has “lots” of cool sex with his cool loving wife. Git.

Speaking of sex, Stephen Gately’s husband denies he was sleeping with another man at the time of Gately’s death. This of course means a night vision tape titled “wild sexual escapades whilst husband

SOME DAYS when I wake up the rain trickles down my window, the kettle takes too long to boil and the world seems full of angst and misery. And yet other days there will be a squirrel outside playing and the simple fact that there are trees and clouds and oranges will be enough to fill me with joy. I think that’s how films work. They show you the horror that life can be filled with, personal tragedy, death, pain and suffering; then just as you begin to despair they slowly let in the smallest sign of hope, trees beginning to grow again where before they had been decimated, a girl learning to love again after her heart has been broken, a slight moment of compassion from a previously ruthless character. It’s that juxtaposition of heartbreak and hope that sets our emotions to overdrive. And so it was for me almost constantly during the six months last year that I spent in Uganda. All the images we see in the West of Africa show starving children, refugees, misery. And yet there is so much more complexity than that. The most striking thing about spending time in Africa is the smiles, every child smiles, even the ones with flies burrowing into open wounds and snot covered faces (nice! ed). These children don’t know what poverty they are coping with, they are just kids like you or I once were, they play and laugh,

make friends, cry when they fall over and smile when their mothers pick them up. The differences in language and culture mask certain things but after a few months immersed in another way of living I could see past that veil, and see that in fact the life of a Ugandan teenager is just the same as that of ours. Get through school, make friends, get laid, get paid - there is a background of hunger and hardship in place of our background of wealth and consumerism, yet still there are the macho kids, the intellectuals, the bullies and the bullied, the cheeky boys with all the friends and all the girls lusting after them and the quiet ones struggling with the injustice of life. I think its important that we always remember that when we think of other cultures, yes they do things differently and on the surface seem alien to us, yet the emotions we feel and the things we go through are universal, they are human characteristics not British characteristics, or white characteristics or rich characteristics. On the first draft this piece then rambled on about corruption, politics and the disgraceful ignorance of the majority of the worlds population. But that’s not where I wanted to go with it, it was just yet another rant, so lucky for you I deleted it all and just want to finish off by saying don’t just question the world, but go off and find out the answers, the answers might disappoint but the journey of finding them is sure to be a worthy adventure!

expires quietly in background” will probably be released soon, from a million different sources.

Speaking of sauces, which sounds like saucy, which means a little bit risqué, professional cocktease Megan Fox has done something attention-seeking this week. I don’t know what, but it’s just a damn certainty. She’s probably ‘come out’ as a bisexual lesbian nympho who likes fat boys and video games. Anything that gets her more column inches and teenage wanking hours.

Finally, on a more serious note, President Sarkozy of France is still very, very short. I say “more serious note” only in relation to the previous paragraph. It’s impossible to take politicians truly seriously and remain sane.

Celebrity Stalker News WatchSecret Contributor Felix gives us

the lowdown on all this showbiz.

Life means?Laurence Whitaker muses on

what travels and tragedy can teach us.


Comment

In exploring alternatives to monogamy we also shouldn’t be ashamed to admit if exclusivity isn’t fulfilling our ‘needs’, we are animals after all and perhaps people would get less hurt if such honesty and transparency were applied.

The stigma enforced by society also makes it harder to discuss this when we’re not really supposed to admit that sex is something we take into consideration, it’s almost as if we’d have to go to some sort of nymphs anonymous,

MONOGAMY - two people in a sexual ly and romant ica l ly exclusive relationship. As far as forms of relationships go it’s fair to say that monogamy is placed firmly at the top of the relationship hierarchy, so why then I wonder is this constantly being undermined. If we place so much value on monogamy then why are our actions contradicting this?

Society creates and reinforces norms, that is what we view as normal/acceptable behaviour and monogamy is one of them.

However, monogamy has a tendency to create a situation where if this agreement is broken or unsuccessful, it is likely that one person gets hurt and the other is stigmatised for such an act of unfaithfulness so I can’t help but wonder are we actually setting ourselves up to fail?

Furthermore why should it even be viewed as a bad thing not to aspire to monogamy? In a society where texting, email and social networking sites are constantly updating how we interact with people via technology, should it not be possible to transfer this into our real-life interaction?

My suggestion here is that different relationship structures deserve as much consideration as monogamous ones.

If for a minute you could imagine separating your emotional needs from your sexual needs, then perhaps you may begin to see that just as these originate from arguably separate areas, so could the people that satisfy them.

You and me baby aint nothin’ but mammalsRachel O’Connell questions why monogamous relationships are the norm. Should we consider giving other forms of relationship a try?

E N V I R O N M E N T A L CAMPAIGNERS up and down the country rejoiced this week as the energy giant E-on postponed plans to build a new coal fired power station at Kingsnorth.

The extremely controversial power station proposed for the small town in Kent would have been the first coal fired power station to be built in the UK for thirty years and would have emitted six million tonnes of CO2 every year.

That ’s equal to the annual emissions of twenty five developing countries put together! Evidently the British public were not going to let this go unnoticed.

Since the power station proposal was announced back in 2006, people have not held back on showing their opposition. Letters,

Triumph for climate activists as E-on finally kick plans for new coal power stationAnother comment from Beth Squire, Publicity Offi cer for the University’s ‘People and Planet’ society. In this issue she tells us that environmentalists have actually had some joy this week!

emails and petitions flooded the offices of E-on as well as the government’s Department for Energy.

Protesters assembled climate camps on the suggested site to peacefully demonstrate their displeasure and thousands of campaigners of all ages, along with musicians such as Get Cape Wear Cape Fly, formed a human Mili-band around the site to get the message across to Climate Change Secretary Ed Miliband.

So, there was a wide spread feeling of success and cause to celebrate when E-on decided to put their plans on hold for at least three years.

The electricity company has blamed the delay on the economic downturn and reduced need for energy but has also stated its

dedication to the development of cleaner methods of energy provision.

According to many campaigning organisations the decision to postpone the plant makes i t increasingly unlikely that it will ever be built.

F a n t a s t i c n e w s f o r t h e environment and definitely a success worth celebrating!

‘My name is Rachel and I like sex, I last coyly pretended it was a mere by-product of having a boyfriend in order to conform to society seven months and ten days ago’ * the circle of attendees clap in a congratulatory manner*

I t o t a l l y u n d e r s t a n d t h e arguments in favour of monogamy, as does wider society, hence it’s the most popular relationship form going.

However, I just believe that when entering a relationship one should give as much consideration

to other forms, and that instead of monogamy being at the top of a hierarchy, it should be viewed alongside other equally accepted types of relationships.

I t c o u l d b e t h a t a n o p e n relationship is just more suited to individuals today so what’s the harm in giving it some thought, even giving it a try; what do you have to lose?


Comment

And the winner is......Obama?THE NOBEL Prizes are awards granted each year to those in the international community who were outstanding examples in their particular areas of work or study.

This year, however, the world

Debora SönksenContributor

(apart from the Republicans) was unsure how to react to the decision of the folks down at the Norwegian Nobel Committee for granting Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize.

The 44th American President was declared this year’s winner on Friday 9th October. Amidst claps and gasps, controversy raged

amongst the world’s population, leading to the question of whether t h e N o b e l P e a c e P r i z e s t i l l functions the way Alfred Nobel wanted it to.

The word on the streets of Oslo is that Obama was awarded the Peace Prize “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international d i p l o m a c y a n d c o o p e r a t i o n between peoples”. After making a decis ion that was label led “stunning” by Reuters, “a kind of prayer” by the NY Times and “perverse and premature” by the Times Online, the Nobel committee explained that their choice was based on Obama’s efforts to free the world of nuclear weapons and generate peace in the Middle East.

Thorbjorn Jagland, the current chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, stated that the prize was given to Obama “because we would like to support what he is trying to achieve”. Is that really the point of the Nobel Peace Prize?

According to their own website, the Nobel Peace Prize is granted

to “the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses”. Obama’s given many well-rounded speeches, but has he really done much in the past nine months to justify his Nobel Prize?

Obama himself was “surprised” at having been granted such an important award, and felt he was “truly humbled” at having been placed alongside other winners of the Peace Prize such as Nelson Mandela, the 14th Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr. and the United Nations itself.

For some, the Nobel prize has been degraded, because only time will tell what Obama will d o r e g a r d i n g t h e t r o o p s i n Afghanistan and the Middle East conflict, and how his decisions will reflect, or be influenced by, the shiny medal he has yet to collect.

In Obama’s defence, dialogue has been key to improving the situation on Iran’s nuclear issue

and United States-led efforts to ratify the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty. Clearly he has put some work into being the President of the USA.

I f n o t h i n g e l s e , O b a m a ’ s statement that the prize was a “call to action, a call for all nations to confront the challenges of the 21st century” sufficed to some as a reasonable ‘thank you for the prize’ and a promising view of the turbulent future ahead of all of us.

SADLY NOT quite James Bond, but in a new and perhaps slightly ambitious scheme, a private company is offering you the chance to capture criminals live in the act on CCTV.

From next month you can subscribe to “Internet Eyes” to receive live footage from shops and other businesses, and, if you happen to spot one of those cheeky criminals in action, collect points to win up to a thousand pounds! This rather game-like enterprise is a new addition to the ever-increasing amount of surveillance on the UK public. For example,

take a t r ip to Wandsworth , London, and there is an estimated one camera to every fourteen people. However, in addition to the somewhat perverted title of this scheme, the idea of a complete stranger staring at someone buying their toothpaste from Boots could definitely be seen as creepy. No more sneaky trips to Ann Summers - after all, who knows, mother might be watching!

In conclusion, this is a frightening example of just how much of a “Big Brother” Britain has developed into. Nonetheless, it could also be a tempting opportunity for lazy students to earn quick money... After all, everyone likes Davina McCall.

Want an easy way to pay back your student debt?

Become a spy!Eleanor DowlingContributor

OLD MAN - every day I hear it said for some new reason… I am the old man. Be it me classing 10pm as a late night, wearing slippers, drinking ale or stating that I don’t like to drink beer just before bed because then I have a dry mouth in the morning.

At times I embrace it, other times I’m left feeling dull and boring in the midst of a mass of partying carefree socialites. So over the next few issues I’ll let you see university life through the eyes of an old codger.

Freshers’ Week… home of the young, the free and the reckless. A week of alcohol fuelled insanity, copulation with strangers and mass flailing of limbs in the sports hall in an increasingly desperate attempt to attract members of the opposite sex engaged in the identical activity.

Well I may be old but I wasn’t going to miss out on that; of course I wasn’t going to join in either, that would be far too active.

Instead I went along each night with a feeling of guardianship and wry amusement, as if I’d done it all before; and trust me it is hugely comical watching events from this perspective; the awkward face of a girl as some sweaty twitching guy comes up behind her and holds her waist perhaps more to steady himself than to suggest desire. Then the baffled look on his face

as she slinks away into the crowd of Sloanes all with the same outfits, same moves and same need just to fit in for the night.

Being old I was quite happy to stand out… this isn’t of course to say that I was sober and boring. No, I drunkenly yelled at some poor girl for wearing the boots that were in fact at that time on my feet. I came up with obscene chat up lines that really can never be put into print. And spent huge amounts of time outside beneath clouds of smoke disassociating myself from the homogenous mass of bodies inside, instead choosing to mock and make merriment with the cancerous

audience that surrounded me.So, Freshers’ Week for the

prematurely matured student. Well, in all honesty I think it was just as much fun for me as for everyone else, yet my fun was somehow detached, emotionless, I guess somehow I lacked the thrill of loss or gain because I sought nothing and didn’t care what happened each night. Yet there was none of that self conscious embarrassment to plague my night, instead I stood tall and proud, uncaring and perhaps unnoticed too… I hope not! Vanity doesn’t succumb to the wisdom of age!

By an aged fool; age eighteen.

Old before his time? Grandpa Fresher tells us what has been bothering him of late


Comment

Uni-verse

Masculine rugged dirty yellow plasticWater splashing trapped insideSweating bodies heave and liftBodies bulge, glisten, contractStill Jim smiles, black lips encouragingHard handle scrapes against calloused hands

Lonely determination despite a life deprivedOf weights or gyms or showers or proteinStill I toil, all I need is Jim, Jerry Can JimNo shining machines no fancy kitNo TV screens and tank topped tottyNo water butts or rewarding sauna session

Here it’s real pain, real strength, real virtueMuscles spasm involuntarily as Jim is pumped aboveMy light blood starved brainThen sits on earth covered concrete floorCold to the touch and slippy with glamorous perspirationOh the style of Jerry Can Jim

And beyond the pealing paint of iron barred windowsLies a country starving and exhaustedDesperate and facing death at every doorYet in this painful sanctuary we toil for selfSatisfaction or perhaps persecution for sins stillTo be committed yet threatening to burst out amidst this savage land

Geckos chase after devil’s cockroachesMoney changes hands in shady backstreet barsChildren lie on fêted foam sheets hopeless and deathlyMen beat their wives and livestock just the sameTeachers sell students off to pimps and lives of crimeA country sinks further into debt, destruction and depravity

Yet Jim and I prosper and buildFor that is the strength of Jerry Can Jim

I’VE FELT very strongly about Lily Allen for a long time and her recent behaviour on the blogosphere was the tip of a very shitty iceberg. Lily Allen is a ridiculously overrated celebrity. The unhealthy media coverage of her life seems to span beyond Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus.

Now listen carefully, I am not for one second saying she has no talent. Her music, in particular the second album, is borderline OK and, lyrically, extremely amusing. I just don’t understand, however, why she must document every opinion she has and why the media seems to go WILD for it. I swear to God she could microblog ‘I just had a massive poo’ and it would make the front page of the tabloids.

Now, you may be wondering what has incensed me so much. It all started a few years ago in 2007 when Lily Allen blogged the following on her Myspace page:

“I used to pride myself on being strong minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look. I felt like it didnt matter if I was a bit chubby cause, im [sic] not a model, I’m a singer. Im [sic] afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine . I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle, I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery, and laser lipo suction [sic].”

The title of this blog was ‘fat, ugly and shitter than Winehouse.’ I can hear you all piping up with excuses for her already; ‘she’s just being honest’, ‘she’s a real person with real insecurities’, ‘she’s opinionated, that’s what makes her different’. This is all bullshit. The bottom line is, Lily Allen is a celebrity. A cold, hard, plastic celebrity, albeit slightly rough around the edges, but isn’t that why we love her? Being a celebrity comes with two vital unshakeable accessories: fans & the media. Now, Mademoiselle Allen fails to realise the dangerous chemical reaction to her little opinion outbursts. Now I’m no mathematician but it doesn’t take a genius to realise:

Celebrity + Fans = Role ModelOpinion + Media = Opinion x

100Role Model + Opinion x 100 +

Fans = Massive misinterpretation of normality

This little outburst sparked a

huge amount of press coverage and, just as importantly, thousands and thousands of comments, many of which were worse than the blog itself, yet equally visible to the average Lily fan. ‘Johnny Ska’ commented on 2nd August 2007:

“I think it would do you and your health some good if you would start exercising and get in shape! You could even gain more confidence and self esteem if you got some braces for your teeth and some breast implants also because you have breasts that are kind of set to [sic] wide apart. Maybe you should stop eating so much junk food…”

Oh Johnny, the grammatically challenged American (!), has found the answer to all of Lily’s circa 2007 problems, FAKE TITS! …Well she didn’t go that far.

Continuing this scientific ‘Allen Analysis’, what was her next move? Apologising to her fans for an emotional outbreak to the world which could cause misconceptions and, let’s be honest, even eating disorders; seeing as she declared to an international audience that being ‘chubby’ (even though she was probably what? A size 12 at a push?) was a bad thing and that it was better to look like the supermodels we see in magazines? Nope. Allen only went and did the complete opposite; lost a ton of weight, released an album full of clichéd, superficial, fame-&-sex-based songs and proceeded to ‘grace’ the pages of worldwide ‘trash’ magazines attending high profi le events wearing haut-couture, figure-hugging, designer frocks and holidaying in the South of France with numerous (old, ugly) men.

By this point it was clear that this seemingly ‘real’ celebrity had now disappeared, along with her love handles.

Skinny Lily hadn’t lost her strong opinions however. She was in the media on a regular basis, mouthing off at Cheryl Cole (“Cheryl Cole if you’re reading this, I may not be as pretty as you but at least I write and SING my own songs”), and famously saying that taking drugs isn’t as bad as not paying your taxes.

More recently, she was in the media yet again, this time for blogging about file-sharing; a serious topic that is putting the music industry in danger. A lot of newspapers and music industry bosses will have appreciated such a ‘high profile’ celebrity speaking

out on the matter, even if she did also hit out at legendary artists like Nick Mason from Pink Floyd and Ed O’Brien from Radiohead in the process for their claims that file-sharing is ‘fine’. Lily’s points in the Myspace blog are justified and intelligent:

“File sharing’s not okay for British music. We need to find new ways to help consumers access and buy music legally, but saying file sharing’s fine is not helping anyone - and definitely not helping British music. I want to get people working together to use new digital opportunities to encourage new artists.”

What’s more, her suggestions are well-informed. Saying sites like Spotify and Myspace give us an alternative to illegal downloading and are a good way for up-and-coming bands to gain fans and attention from labels. When I read the piece I did have to admit to myself that Lily was finally putting her high status to good use and manipulating the press into drawing attention to an important issue. HOWEVER, what were the headlines the following day?

LILY ALLEN QUITS MUSICYes, that’s right. The same day

as her intelligent anti-piracy blog was scribbled, Lily Allen revealed to her devoted fans that she was quitting music, not renewing her record label and had no plans to ever make another CD. Well done Lily, the same day you raised my hopes about your pathetic, attention-seeking opinions, you flushed them down the toilet. Informing your fans who have religiously followed your career from the start, via an online blog, that you will never make another record is a not only selfish but totally cowardly. For a potentially magnificent writer and singer to make this kind of statement is huge.

The girl is still touring and I myself am curious to go and have a look at her foolish attempt to squeeze a last few pennies from her downwardly-spiralling career. Lily, I just hope that now your life in the spotlight is coming to an end we will no longer have to read about what you had for dinner yesterday. I’m also crossing my fingers that the rumours aren’t true that you’re turning to acting.

What we have here, I fear (see what I did there?) is a deeply misunderstood young woman, being ruined by the ‘evil machine’ she once spoke of.

Lily Allen: It’s not me, it’s you. Now kindly piss off.Gina ReayForeign Correspondent

Bath University’s own poet, Laurence Whitaker, shares his thought-provoking poem, ‘Jerry Can Jim’, with us


Science

I H A V E o f t e n w o n d e r e d , p a r t i c u l a r l y w h i l e w a t c h i n g Come Dine With Me, what the big dif ference is between us humans and chimps. It took me a while, but I found one; language. Many animals have a few words representing different predators, and also noises indicating desire to mate. However, no other species has language, which is distinct from animal noises because of its use of full, grammatical sentences, in which “Help, I’m being mugged” is subtly different from “Help me mug someone”.

Anyone who’s ever heard a mother garbling inanely at her progeny will have wondered how these babies ever learn to speak at a coherent level. Chomsky and others have argued that babies simply don’t hear enough language to learn it as quickly as they do unless the ability to learn language is innate.

Interesting evidence for this arose during the slave trade, where plantation-owners often

bought slaves from many different countries, in order to restrict their ability to communicate. These slaves developed a very simple and fairly ungrammatical language based on English, called a ‘pidgin’. In the next generation, babies of these slaves, when taught the pidgin, developed it, wholly spontaneously, into a fully grammatical language, something they only could have done through instinct.

So, this means language ability has been hardwired into our brains by evolution, which is unsurprising,

it has a number of useful functions, in fact, as useful things like the wing tend to evolve several times in different species (the eye may hold the record, having evolved separately forty times), it is perhaps surprising that language has only evolved once. However, from another point of view, it is difficult to see how it evolved at all, as, it could be argued, the ability to communicate cannot have been favoured by natural selection.

“It’s a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages,” Steven Wright observed, “otherwise those people would have no-one to talk to”. This brings up an important

point; language is a ‘network good’, meaning its advantages depend on the number of other people possessing it. As natural selection works when random mutations in individuals benefit them, they then become more widespread in the population as a result. It is hard to see how a mutation giving one person the ability to communicate would be able to spread, given that it’s useless unless a number of other people have the same skill; the first person who could understand language would not have benefited from it, because they would have had nobody to talk to.

Because of this, and as the ability to talk requires the thorax to sit quite low in the throat (increasing the risk of choking) this article originally claimed that language couldn’t have evolved to help us communicate (as it would have given the bearer a cost but no benefit). Language mutations, I argued, must have spread because of some other advantage, like enabling rational thought, social grooming, or that language genes were linked to the ability to learn and imitate, useful skills for any animal. The unfortunate, and brilliant, thing about science is that you can discover you are totally

wrong, as I did five minutes after I finished writing. While the above reasons may have promoted the evolution of language, there is a simple solution to the ‘no-one to talk to’ paradox, which should really have led me to junk the article (and preferably move to Lesotho, where I could not do any further damage to this fine publication).

Don’t ask me to say “when does it start?” in Italian (I get this request a lot), as I can’t do it. Having spent part of the summer trying to learn Italian, though, I can decipher the phrase “A che ora cominciano?” (it means “who do I see about a discount on this cream bun with a footprint on it?”) More generally, babies learning their first language, and people learning their second, can always understand more than they can say. Thus, the first person to evolve a full linguistic capacity would have had a lot of people who could understand, and, while her less erudite companions wouldn’t have been able to talk back, they probably would have found her useful enough to keep around.

So there you have it; the answer to that paradox. Now go back to sleep - this article was all a horrible dream.

A boring articleArt VandalayImporter/[email protected]

CANNIBAL CORPSE: The zenith of linguistic dexterity

SCIENTISTS LIKE to walk around in their lab coats and big glasses, preferably carrying a pocket calculator and pen (just in case the solution to the mystery of the universe occurs to them while in the queue at Burger King) and generally give off a bit of an air of superiority as they flounce past with the test tube in their pocket giving the wrong impression to female students (though if the professor in question is Terence Kealey, it’s not a test tube).

So i t ’s a lways nice to see some scientists get mocked for thoroughly wasting their time, and their university’s research funding, by doing some utterly pointless research. The Ig-Nobel

prizes do just that, issuing awards every October for the most banal yet funny research; here’s a quick rundown of this year’s victors.

V e t e r i n a r y m e d i c i n e : R e s e a r c h e r s a t N e w c a s t l e University, who discovered that farmers can increase their cows’ milk production by giving them names - “cows... feel happier and more relaxed if they are given a bit more one-to-one attention”. It is not yet known whether the effect works in humans.

Peace: Academics from the University of Bern, for their paper “Are Full or Empty Beer Bottles Sturdier and Does Their Fracture-Threshold Suffice to Break the Human Skull”. As it turns out, empty bottles are sturdier, but both are tough enough to crack a cranium.

Medicine: Dr Donald Unger, who, once a day for 60 years, cracked the knuckles on his left hand, hoping to find out whether it gave him arthritis - it didn’t. Maybe he should have tried stamp collecting.

Biology: Japanese researchers, who discovered that bacteria from panda faeces can break down about ninety percent of kitchen waste into water and CO2. Apparently their thought process went l ike this: pandas digest bamboo. Perhaps they can digest cardboard and plastic too.

Physics: Authors of the paper

“Fetal load and the evolution of lumbar lordosis in bipedal hominins”; alternatively, “why pregnant women don’t fall over”

C h e m i s t r y : M e x i c a n s w h o made diamonds from tequila. Unfortunately, they are too small to be seen without an electron microscope. As the BBC helpfully points out, this means “They cannot be used for jewellery”

Mathemat ics : The head of Zimbabwe’s central bank, for helping people with maths by issuing notes from one cent to 100,000,000,000,000 dollars (worth about $30). To give some perspective, if you were to spread out the one-dollar bills needed to buy a hundred trillion dollar bill, they’d cover an area about the size of Egypt.

E c o n o m i c s : T h e h e a d s o f Icelandic banks, for their role in the credit crunch.

Literature: Irish police, for issuing fifty traffic tickets to Prawo Jazdy, a Pole whose name means ‘Driving License’.

Public Health: the inventors of a bra which can be converted into pair of gas masks.

That’s it for the Ig-Nobels. The actual Nobels also came out this week, but they weren’t as interesting, and, despite playing a pioneering role in the invention o f m o d e r n s u p e r c o n d u c t o r t e c h n o l o g y , E c h o a n d t h e Bunnymen missed out yet again.

This week in bras and panda shit

GAS MASK BRA: After I saw this I actually believed in God for a while

by Dr Regina Phalange

DEAR PROFESSOR Science. What is Schizophrenia? Yours, Professor Science

Thanks for asking, Professor. Many people think schizophrenia is the same as split-personality disorder, but this isn’t exactly true. While there can be an element of this, schizophrenics suffer a more diverse range of symptoms, most commonly, auditory hallucinations and delusions.

These are generally of the form that someone is controlling their actions, that they can control the actions of others, or that there are voices in their heads. There is an interesting explanation for this, illustrated by the strange discovery that schizophrenics can tickle themselves.

The body has a mechanism which tells its owner which actions it is about to do, so it can’t be surprised by its own behaviour. Thus, we can’t tickle ourselves, or hear our own voice, as the mechanism tells us we’re speaking/tickling, and shuts out the aural/tactile feedback. That people suffering with schizophrenia can tickle themselves indicates this mechanism must have broken down; scientists infer from this that the experience of hearing voices is caused when a schizophrenic cannot distinguish his own thoughts and speech from the speech of others, and thus hear their own speech as ‘voices’.

Many schizophrenic patients suffer bizarre delusions, either that they are being controlled by a sinister organization like the RAC, or that they are able to control something they cannot, like the volume of

George Alagiah’s breathing. These delusions are caused by the same feedback mechanism; the brain isn’t able to tell which actions it is responsible for and which it isn’t. So, sufferers often get confused into believing they can control things like which racist remark Prince Philip will make next, or believing they are being controlled by aliens with generous expense accounts.

This loss of control, or assumption of great power, can be very distressing and confusing for the sufferer. As their mind tries to make sense of what’s going on, it can come up with fantastic explanations, often leading to either delusions of grandeur (‘I am Alexander the Great’), or delusions of persecution ( P r i c e W a t e r h o u s e C o o p e r i s controlling my actions, as they want me to join a country and western band).

One man with textbook symptoms said, “I believe there is no one in history to whom I should feel inferior. Quite the opposite”. He describes himself as “Without doubt the person who’s been the most persecuted in the entire history of the world and the history of man”. Regrettably, this patient is not in a mental institution, but instead, has been put in charge of a country.

Professor Science


www.BathStudent.com/entertainments

Mon. 19th OctoberDowntown @ PoNaNa 10pm - 2am

Wed. 21st OctoberScore 9:30pm - 2am

Thurs. 22nd OctoberBetter Bus - Bristol 9pm - 3amwww.betterbus.co.uk

Fri. 23rd Octoberflirt! Foam Party 9:30pm - 3am

Sat. 24th OctoberComeplay 9:30pm - 2am

Mon. 26th OctoberDowntown @ PoNaNa 10pm - 2am

Tues. 27th OctoberElements of Laughter - We are Klang! 7:30pm - 11pm

Wed. 28th OctoberScore 9:30pm - 2am

Thurs. 29th OctoberExclusive viewing of new Family Guy DVD 5pm

Fri. 30th Octoberflirt! Halloween Special 9:30pm - 3am

Sat. 31st OctoberComeplay 9:30pm - 2am

Clu

b N

ights

live

Spor

ts

Mon. 19th OctoberFulham Vs Hull City 8pm (Premier League)

Sat. 24th OctoberWolves Vs Aston Villa 12:45 (Premier League)Chelsea Vs Blackburn 5:30pm (Premier League)

Sun. 25th OctoberLiverpool Vs Manchester United 1pm (Premier League)West Ham Vs Arsenal 4:30pm(Premier League)

Sat. 31st OctoberArsenal Vs Tottenham 12:45 (Premier League)Man United Vs Blackburn 5:30pm (Premier League)

19 Oct. -1Nov.

University of BathStudents’ Union


Science

Notes from the real worldYOUNG’S SLIT Experiment is a simple but renowned experiment that gives us evidence of parallel universes. If you shine a light on two slits in a wall, a pattern forms behind it as the waves interfere with each other. But surprisingly, if you only shine one photon at a time on the wall, the same pattern emerges - even though there is nothing to interfere with. At least, nothing in this universe. A possible explanation is that the photons interfere with alternative universes, which is a stunning idea.

I am afraid to discuss Young’s Slit Experiment with my colleague Dave because I know that physics will not be the first thing that springs to his mind. This probably tells you all you need to know about Dave; I will continue anyway, as a problem shared is a problem halved:

Dave works with me at C&H, in the physics department, which is in the business of patenting good ideas and selling them. He is also a physicist. He recently coined the word “furcumference” to describe

News

Sexual harassment lawsuit of the week: “Irish dentist denies putting camera in nurse’s pants”

Deltoid Arpeggio the state of a lady’s nethers. He is the kind of man who deteriorates your mental health by his mere presence.

Worse still, I sit opposite him, staring at the back of his monitor, staring at his gurning face while he pretends to work. Though there is a filter for malicious or inappropriate websites, the system is much like religion in that it is designed to control the illiterate masses, and so is fairly easy for a techie to circumvent. This and the frantic mouse clicking that ensues whenever someone approaches makes me reluctant to disturb him. Occasionally I email him questions rather than break the metre of silence.

A placement student recently joined the company. She is slim, pretty and spends her days looking distressed when Dave inevitably tries to talk to her. Getting her fired might be the merciful thing to do but I’m afraid that without her around Dave might attempt ‘guy talk’ again. His last attempt: “You know who I’d like to motorboat? Miley Cyrus.”

To give you an idea of what a conversation killer this is, I’ve stopped this column in mid

Special Report: Sleaze

Puzzle CornerThis week Alan Rayner, from the School of Biology

Our foreign correspondent Morbo explains why

puny humans are fascinated by gossip and scandal

Cutting edge journalism award: Jemima Lewis of the Telegraph, for an over two hundred word article on why she doesn’t like Winnie the Pooh.

Cutting edge journalism award 2: The Independent for a feature on ‘the ten best cheese utensils’, featuring, for £40, a set of four bird themed labels to put on cheese so you don’t get Gruyere confused with Edam; it’s worth spending £40 on, because accidentally eating Brie when you wanted Camembert is easily one of the most horrific things that can happen to you.

N o S h i t a w a r d : S p a n i s h researchers, who found that people who were doing badly at university were more likely to drop out; as they put it, “the lesser [sic] the level of performance and success, the greater the probability of dropping out”.

I HEARD from my friend down the pub that Pat Sharp once shoved hot toast down Gore Vidal’s trousers, and Ingrid Bergman never left the house without a cherry tomato in her pocket. Humans are a species that laps up this kind of gossip, but why? Is there a good reason we should care that Brendan Fraser has just bought a tin of paint (magnolia gloss)? Apparently so; according to scientists it’s part of our ape heritage, and has a number of useful evolutionary functions.

Firstly, sharing gossip about a third party is a way of bonding with someone; Robin Dunbar suggests it is a (slightly) more advanced version of the fly-eating grooming w h i c h c h i m p s u s e t o b u i l d friendships. Additionally, because gossip almost always involves a judgement about somebody’s morals, it is thought to function as a way of enforcing social norms; if someone is being gossiped about for doing something, it gives people a strong message that that thing is unacceptable. Within tribes, people like to know about the sexual behaviour of others - whether they are faithful or

cheaters, and whether they are fertile or not - as this is important in format ion for prospect ive partners, and infidelity can cause group conflict/VD. Thus the obsession with relationships, p r e g n a n c i e s , p h y s i c a l attractiveness and weight (the last two are used as proxies for fertility).

In tribes everyone gossips about everyone else; in large societies this is not possible, as there are simply too many people; not everybody knows each other; thus we need a range of figures everybody knows (or knows about) so that we can share gossip about them. Often though, it is difficult to relate to the lives of the rich and famous, as their lives seem so different from those of us proles. Thus, a number of normal people, exposed to the public, often by reality TV, have become vastly popular as figures of gossip; people like Jade Goody, Kerry Katona, and Katie Price, who are not famous for any particular talent, but just because they are normal enough that people can relate to their lives, and thus they provide excellent topics of gossip and discussion.

HILTON AND FRITZL: definitely, definitely not dating

“In living systems, the waveforms resulting from the necessary togetherness C’, such couplings represent ternary ‘becomings’, dynamic ‘threesome-onesomes’ where ‘two’ implies ‘one’ and ‘three’ simultaneously - babies combined recreationally and unpredictably with water (twoness) via skin (threeness) in the spatial commons (oneness) of the bath! Their behaviour is therefore ultimately intractable to rationalistic logic, as implicitly acknowledged by Newton ‘himself’ in his analysis of the ‘three body problem’”

You can see the full essay, called “‘Nested Holeyness’: the Dynamic ‘Inclusional’ Geometry of Natural Space and Boundaries” at tinyurl.com/alanrayner. Good luck making sense of this one; if you get anywhere,

write to [email protected].

Last Week’s winner was Dweezil Gershwin, who translated Sarah White’s diagram, saying “It means that space and time are like one thing. It involves hard light, and, um, when spacial awareness is rotating in an arrogant way, that’s when to stop putting staples in your mouth.

Thank you Mr Gershwin, you’ve been a great help.

Last Week’s solution

PLACEMENT STUDENT: Well, you can expect to get stared at if you dress like that, especially if you have four breasts and your skin is blue

Advice of the week: “Never pick on a cross dressing cage fighter.” Thanks Independent, I won’t.

Traffic Jams: an undercover report

Shit-head of the week: Glen Beck, for claiming that Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama is a “racist” with “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture”. Mr Beck, you are cordially invited to fuck right off.

No shit award 2: Research has discovered that not only do women enjoy football, it can help them get fit.

Hold the front page award: Scientists at Rockefeller University have discovered a way to penetrate yeast cells in order to inject them with stuff. Rumour has it, Michael Bay is planning a film based on the discovery

PERV OF the week: whoever at Manchester airport decided to install a new type of x-ray machine which produces images of people naked. Without a trace of irony, officials say it will help in the search for “concealed weapons”.

Sydney HandjerkerRoving [email protected]

SO HERE I am, sitting in stationary traffic, doing my best to blend in and act normally; hoping my cover’s not blown. Slyly I look around. The Volvo on my left contains a man picking his nose; in an Astra on my right, another man is eating it.

After what seems like hours, we start moving, but before we hit normal speed, a man cuts in front of a caravan, which slams on the brakes. The driver behind follows suit, and now it’s my turn. I honk (I’m ‘in character’), and am summarily flipped the bird.

Glancing behind me, I see a veritable stream of traffic has ground to a halt, and, while the cars in front of me are moving again, as each person takes a few milliseconds to speed up in response to the acceleration of the

driver in front, the cars a few miles behind won’t start moving properly for a good half-hour.

Back safely at home, I look up traffic jams, and discover what I observed was a ‘ripple effect’; where small disturbances in speed lead to strings of cars having to slow down and speed up, which causes delays because neither cars nor people respond instantly to inputs; reaction times delay the waves of acceleration and deceleration which characterise traffic jams.

Scientists have actually recreated this by getting twenty two cars to drive around a large circle at thirty miles per hour. At first they flowed smoothly, but because drivers did not keep a uniform speed, ripples of slowing and speeding up eventually led to the kind of congestion which would usually be seen on a busy motorway. A video of the experiment can be found at newscientist.com/article/dn13402

Perv of the week 2 : Frederic Mitterand, who wrote in his autobiography; “I got into the habit of paying for... young boys [who] put me in a state of desire... it pleases me beyond the reasonable.” The revalations were made as he spoke out in favour of Roman Polanski

Shit-head of the week 2: Graeme Conroy, 31, who was jailed this week for encouraging a three year old girl to smoke.


Science

LARRY DIDN’T join the company; it formed around him, like barnacles on a ship’s hull. After two hundred years of business, this barnacle structure stands by itself, but poor Larry is trapped inside.

The problem is he’s not quite old enough. Though he’s been here well over half a century, he joined when he was ten and working in a lab with radiation and toxins was much safer than the mining job his parents had in mind. He hasn’t yet reached retirement age.

If Larry wants to stop now, he needs to take early retirement. This is something our boss is unwilling to give; apparently bankers recently realised that the crux of their existence is stuff with only imaginary worth, and have taken everyone’s money to fill the gap in their own self-esteem. Or so I’ve heard.

So we won’t give you a full-pensioned early retirement, says the company, but you’re welcome to resign, get fired or die.

Right, says Larry. Right.

Role models: Larry

Larry doesn’t give up. Today Larry sidles up to me and he says, I’m going to piss myself.

No, not now, he says , you facetious little shit. My plan. I’m going to schedule a meeting with our most important client. And I’ll walk right up and shake his hand and soil my own trousers. I’ll grip him harder and moan softly as the wet patch spreads like a blooming flower in my crotch.

At this point it was necessary to ask Larry: why?

They can’t fire me for it, he says. Completely illegal. But they won’t keep me on. Not when I might start leaking at any minute. I’m a urine timebomb. They’ll give me early retirement or I’ll piss myself in meetings, at conferences, when I’m cold. If someone’s boring me, I’ll wet my pants. I’ll wear light trousers. I’ll drink cider first.

They can’t handle that. The management. I’ll have them by the nuts, he says, have them by the nuts with my dick.

Larry has become a personal

Our regular correspondent Deltoid Arpeggio writes about somebody with a special place in his heart

THE UBERMENSCH: Anyone who fakes incontinence to get early retirement pretty much fulfils the Nietzschian ideal

hero of mine and I hope everyone can be more like him.

MR. POTATO Head usually retails for $10, but those really wishing to please their children can pay $8,000 for a crystal encrusted one. I’d like to know if there’s there any good reason why businessman Lam-Sai Wing had a solid gold toilet built for himself, why a 19th century Swedish stamp is worth $2 million and why $8,000 Mr Potato Heads exist.

Indeed, it seems, there is. For a proper explanation we need to go back one hundred years to the longwinded rantings of maverick economist Thorstein Veblen. He argued that in many cases much of the pleasure derived from expensive goods is purely because they cost a lot, and not many people can have them. In other words, they are a status symbol.

He spoke particularly critically of fashion; look at these outfits (below and above right)- can you see a pattern? They are of course, incredibly impractical, but, more specifically, all these outfits make doing any kind of manual work impossible. Veblen suggested that one of the purposes of fashionable dress is to indicate to people that the wearer is rich enough to avoid physical labour; more generally, part of the reason people buy expensive things is to show others they can afford to do so, to demonstrate their high status.

It is mostly men which make such displays, because wealth and social status is one of the main criteria on which women base mate choice.

And it is usually the women that do the choosing. As the supply of sperm far exceeds the womb space available, in most species it is the men which compete for mating oppurtunities, whereas women don’t need to try very hard to find a sperm donor.

In choosing, women seek a partner with good genes, and a good supply of resources to help support the child. The overwhelming obsession with social status and wealth, both in ‘modern’ and tribal societies, is a

result of these being the fairly crude yardsticks which female brains look for to indicate genetic fitness and resources.

But why do men not just walk around announcing their bank balance? Because talk is cheap; jewel encrusted Disney merchandise is not. Wasting money is a cheat-proof way of demonstrating how much money one has available to waste. This is a case of

the ‘handicap principle’- a behaviour that is a genuine indicator of genetic strength if it imposes a severe cost on the organism, but the creature can survive anyway. Male gazelles often do a funny kind of jump while being chased, slowing themselves down; if, despite this handicap, they outrun the lion, women are likely to be impressed. As a result, these handicapping behaviours can flourish.

Now, remember that to be sucessful in evolution you have to not only survive, but pass your genes on. This means mate preference can have a big impact on which genes go through to the next generation; here’s the strange thing. If females choose things like, say, the peacock’s tail, because they demonstrate the animal’s ability to survive despite the handicap, then the handicap increases their genetic ‘fitness’ despite decreasing the fitness of the actual organism.

This leads to the paradoxical result that genes which decrease an organism’s fitness can actually flourish rather than being wiped out as standard evolutionary theory would predict.

So, put simply, if you want to impress women, buy something expensive but worthless, like the services of a faith healer or lawyer.

A CRINOLINE: Try digging potatoes in this.

Science says:Women like men with a good job and

money to burn. Who’d have guessed?Henry HenryWHEN I started to look into the

phenomenon of the so-called ‘brown note’, I started to get very scared about the serious possibility of causing myself physical damage through gig attendance. The internet is littered with stories and myths of kids having lungs punctured, bowels ruptured and

eardrums torn asunder by extreme low frequency noise, or what is termed ‘infrasound’ amongst the scientific community.

Unfortunately for those of you who like the idea of l iterally ‘bowel-shaking’ bass tones (that’ll be me then), all the evidence seems to suggest that the Brown Note doesn’t actually exist. The reason behind this is that air is not an effective transmitter of low frequency vibrations to the human body, and in practice ‘sonic

weaponry’ such as that supposedly looked into as an anti-hijacking defence post 9/11, is not effective at infrasonic frequencies: the energy needed to produce such low frequencies is too large to make such a weapon portable. Sorry, Soundwave, but it seems you’re just a fantasy.

However, research does seem to suggest that acoustic weaponry could one day be effective, given that high levels of noise could theoret ical ly disorientate or temporarily debilitate a target. High decibel levels cause more than just severe aural pain; they’ve also been shown to interfere with the inner ear, which controls balance. Maybe that explains that dazed feeling I seem to get when the music stops and the lights go up. But again, there’s a caveat. The issue is one of direction, it’s

How to be violated by music

SUNN O))): Don’t take your grandma; she prefers Napalm Death

very difficult to direct a sound pulse at a specific target, and it’s likely that the user of such a weapon would more than likely incapacitate himself as well as his target.

But rejoice, aural masochists, for there’s a brown cloud on that spotless horizon: recent tests have shown that excessive bass can actually cause lung collapse. The reason is that low frequency sound pushes air in and out of the lungs at faster than normal speeds, due to its unique resonance. Whilst this effect is uncommon, various cases of pneumothorax (collapse) have been reported after gigs. Looks like I might not be wearing those incontinence pants when I go to see bass demons Sunn O))) after all….JOHN COLTRANE: Don’t expect

to see his brown train anytime soon

Phil Bloomfield puts himself and his trousers in harm’s way to find out about the brown noise


EntertainmentsNewsfelch!The ever popular and irrever-ent Ents News returns, and it’s handily divided into three help-fully labelled columns...

AH CRAP, they’ve gone and done it again: All round wunderkinds All Tomorrow’s Parties (henceforth referred to as ATP) are celebrating their 10th year of existence in some style, having announced Simpsons head honcho Matt Groening and returning indie ‘oh-my-god-have-they-actually-reformed’ heroes Pavement as the curators for their May weekends, taking place on May 7th – 9th and 14th – 17th next year at Butlins resort in Minehead. Right in the middle of my finals. Curses. No acts have been announced yet, but we’re praying on a headline set from The Be Sharps alongside a washboard solo from Bender and Beck. (Ed: Are those jokes too nerdy?)

I’m advised that the Pavement weekend is selling especially fast, because middle class indie tossers into slacker rock have too much money. So get on it, slackers. ATP are also doing two Christmas festivals: one curated by dreamy noiseniks My Bloody Valentine and the other a 10 Years of ATP celebration, featuring past curators and regular performers. It’s enough to make you wish that money grew on trees in denominations of £160.

Details and tickets at www. atpfestival. com

A TRAILER for Toy Story 3 has been released. The impact office is regressing bit by bit into childish giggling and awestruck wonder.

RADIOHEAD HAVE sifted the waters they muddied earlier this year and confirmed that they will continue to release albums. This will probably make a lot of people happy, ironically...

The Good...

The Bad...STEPHEN GATELY has sadly passed away. The former Boyzone man has been heralded as a hero for the gay rights movement in breaking the perceived taboo of public homosexuality: in 1999 he was ‘outed’ as gay, but fans (rightly) stood by him. Similarly, to many he represented a different vision of the gay pop star: far from the caricatures of those who had come before him. Our condolences go out to his fans, friends and family.

& The Ugly...IN MORE adult film news, we’re a little bit excited about new film Black Swan. Featuring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis as lesbian ballerinas obviously wasn’t enough for the scriptwriters, who have apparently added in a scene which has been described by insiders as ‘angry ecstacy ravaged enraged sex’. Please excuse us while we change our trousers.

THE BIZARRELY popular Twilight series has had its life extended by yet another film. THE NME has reported that Peter Hook (of Joy Division and New Order fame) has called Morrissey ‘a twat’. All we have to say on the matter (besides ‘oooh, handbags’) is ‘Pot, meet kettle…. ’

IN THE truly wonderful societal spirit of cashing in on the dead, a new Michael Jackson single has been released. Entitled ‘This Is It’, we’re pretty sure it actually won’t be. Nonetheless it’s a smooth piece of work showcasing Jacko’s motown background which finds the King of Pop in reflective mode. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you when the Jay Dilla produced collaboration between Jacko, Biggie Smalls, Tupac, Jeff Buckley and John Lennon comes out. It’ll suck.

Have we missed something? e-mail [email protected] with all your goods, bads and uglies.

Roll Another Number

I’D LIKE to start the second part of my investigation into the deeper groundswells of what the south-west passes off as culture with an apology to Philip Bloomfield. It was a falsehood to merely compare the incomparable bastard to the devil. As I have been warned, should I do so again, I can expect to be sorting the impact archive, where terrible demons of print and editors past lurk in the closet amongst the skeletons of tortured ents contributors, their blanched bones twisted into inhumane vileness. As such, the following is dedicated to his eternal Faustian presence. Long may he drink the blood of the weak and the feeble.

FilmIn my experience, when in the

grips of a disturbing existential angst that can usually only be solved by copious drug use, the best bet is to head for your local cinema. Of course Bath has the Odeon, a den of inequity and popcorn fodder which is generously discounted for rotting corpses like myself and nubile vile bodies like all of you, but the cosy gloom of the Little Theatre makes me feel positively post-natal, so warm and comforting is it’s

womblike interior and cheap prices for wonderful cinema.

Bristol provides a little more choice, with yet more multiplexes thundering out sex, l ies and videotape. Probably the best of a rotting bunch of bananas slumped on some Caribbean despot’s fruit bowl is the Watershed; a centre for visual arts and digital media, but it also proudly hosts a cinema treading the lines between Hollywood propaganda and arthouse chic. On the other side there’s the relentlessly pretentious Arnolfini, which I mistakenly stumbled into expecting art, only to find my sleep addled eyes subjected to intellectual reel after reel. The Cube doubles up as a music venue, and is run by some of the most wonderful individuals I know, which makes me all the more sorry that they consider me a friend. As Groucho Marx said, “ I don’t want to be a part of any club which will accept me as a member”.

Theatre I prefer my pleasures a little

meaner, but occasionally I’m sparked into action by some of the higher pleasures. The Royal Theatre complex (Ustinov, The Egg and The

Royal Theatre), hosts a variety of touring shows of varying quality and expense. Expect to sell your liver for a ticket to some of the more popular, award winning shows. They wouldn’t take mine as it was too well worn. Bastards. Komedia is again Bath’s clear winner. Cheap stand-up comedy, interesting performance art and a restaurant stocked with all manner of organic, un-mutated delicacies makes this place a treat.

I’m less schooled in Bristol’s dramatical whimsies so I’ll quit while I’m ahead, for perhaps the first time in my career…

The Southwest is Decadent and DepravedIn Part II of his bile-ridden exposé on culture in and around Bath and Bristol, Raoul Duke looks at some higher pleasures...

Cold Cave6th NovemberMoles

So you used to be in a succession of hardcore bands, and it all got a bit boring being tough, hard and fast all the time. Now you’ve turned to brooding bedroom synth pop to satiate your muse. Welcome to Wes Eisley’s world, and sink deep into his nu-romanticism as he brings his new outfit to Moles.

Army of CrimeOut NowLittle Theatre

A thought provoking look at the role of Eastern Europeans in the French Resistance during WWII. Following a group of international rebels in Marseilles, this is a film which paints both sides in an unpleasant light. French-Armenian Director Robert Guédiguian is well known in France for the use of his friends as actors.

I Told You I Was FreakyFlight of the ConchordsSub Pop

Released 26th October

Those quirky New Zealand faux folk funnymen are at it again, returning with the hilariously titled I Told You I Was Freaky. No doubt it will tickle as many ribs as their previous efforts, and the song titles alone raise a few smiles: ‘You Don’t Have To Be A Prostitute ‘, anyone? Or ‘We’re Both In Love With A Sexy Lady’? Still, we doubt they’ll ever top ‘Business Time’.

SO, WHAT have I got for you this week? A bumper issue, over which I’ve sweated blood, toil and tears. Four pages worth of the stuff.

Of course, most exciting is the return of the helpfully titled Ents News, bringing you a lusciously loving spoonful of gossip, excitement and a tiny seasoning of boredom to ice the cake.

Elsewhere, Raoul Duke returns once more with his bile ridden thoughts. He might be back once more later in the year, but given that he seems hellbent on not only hurting my feelings but also drinking me dry of Maker’s Mark and Vat 69, I’m not sure I’m going to indulge the rude bastard again.

I’d like to direct all our readers t o w a r d s S a m F o x m a n ’ s masterly literary review of the Old Testament. It only seems fair that this book of of such importance is given the piercing criticism it’s merited for all these years. Rejected lines include “God created himself in his own image, so I imagine he must look something like David Beckham”.

Away from swearing, violence, sex and hatred, it gives me a lot of pleasure to present the very first of our instalments investigating the sterling work of the ICIA, the rather brilliant on campus arts department who are bringing some severely high level artists our way. We’re really

very excited by some of what they have coming up.

As usual, there’s a veritable seam of reviews for you to slobber over: new offerings from DIY noiseniks Lightning Bolt and folk troubadour Frank Turner nestle next to a pair of Noah and the Whale reviews and our knowledgable correspondents have challenged themselves to brief you on the week’s singles in the most concise manner possible.

Finally, we cast our critical eyes over Spanish indie film Broken Embraces, the latest of Pedro Almodóvar’s cinematic delights.

So all there’s left to say is “dig in”, or some other useless idiom. And here’s Kim Jong Il in his pants.

Philip BloomfieldUseless Ents Editor

MILA KUNIS: Anyone got her number? No?

MJ: At what point does it become flogging a dead corpse?


Entertainments

SPEAKING TO Michael Bassett, the ICIA’s music co-ordinator, who has arrived at the Department just a year ago, and who is in the process of implementing his programming, it’s clear that there’s a real passion and dedication not just to providing arts on campus, but also to nurturing those who wish to pursue their own artistic interests and even encouraging research. Interdisciplinarity is a word which comes up frequently during our conversation, and something, alongside the pursuit of the contemporary (rather t h a n t r a d i t i o n a l ) , w h i c h i s central to the department’s aim. “Interdisciplinarity allows me to do a really broad range of things; it’s about one discipline, a second discipline and how they interact with each other” says Michael. But he’s keen not to confuse this with cross-art form work: it’s about the arts getting involved with the other departments, perhaps by

getting resident artists to shadow departments, or even by engaging in some of the research occurring and using it to inspire the creation of their own art.

Michael’s background is as a rock musician; he talks about Bob Dylan and Radiohead with some reverence, but what interests him today is the fusion between traditional folk music and electronic and modern concepts. This has seen him bring an oud (a traditional Arabic stringed instrument which resembles a lute) to the ICIA, and he has invited John Foxx (formerly of synth rock pioneers Ultravox) to play the ICIA with what Michael describes as “something really exciting, an evolving piece of music and art that he’s been working on for years”. He’s also bringing ‘griot’ (storyteller) kora player Kadialy Kayoute with his 21 stringed harp-lute to the ICIA as part of a programme which clearly gives him great pride. There is a lineage to be seen: especially with the Balanescu Quartet who have worked frequently with the department. The Romanian string quartet are perhaps best known to readers through their work on the University Challenge soundtrack but they represent what Michael calls the ‘particle smashing’ nature of contemporary culture: melding avant garde string arrangements with sections from the songs of German techno pioneers Kraftwerk.

“It’s an old story: the blurring of the boundaries between low culture and high art”.

So what is it that Michael would say to students to make them get a little curious about his programme? “Here’s something that’s very recognisable; here’s something totally cutting edge: mindsplitting in a way… You may have a very intense response to it, and we want you to be able to come and discuss that and have a dialogue.” There’s an element of bringing in what students at Bath are studying and allowing them to deploy their skills in looking at the arts. “Art can be challenging and provocative, as well as comforting, and I want people to feel that they’re in a safe environment to engage with something new.” The ICIA is a low risk environment to do so: ticket prices are rarely above £5 and £6 and as it’s on campus, it is literally a hop skip and a step away

AT A University which focuses exclusively on the sciences in its degree courses, it’s sometimes a little hard to see where one might turn for something more creative and artistic. Naturally, we’d all recommend you pick up your metaphorical pens and write for us, but this article looks into what the ICIA provides on campus,.

The ICIA office can seem a little underwhelming: tucked away on the parade next to the Chaplaincy, the University’s ‘twelfth’ Department is unassuming, especially given the sheer volume of work and output which emanates from their building. Dance classes, theatre workshops and cross-arts performances vie with music tuition, photoshop classes and visual arts development for the ICIA team’s valuable time. With the new build project for the extension of the Arts Barn hopefully nearing final approval soon, this year is an exciting year for the Department.

As such, impact is proud to present a series of in depth features on the ICIA’s programming, especially the cutting edge culture being brought at cut prices for students. Starting this week with a talk to Michael Bassett, the ICIA’s Musical Co-ordinator, we’re unravelling what’s behind the Department and taking a look at what to expect over the coming year….

A FAST paced upbeat modern performance complete with tunes about Facebook and references to swine ‘flu. With minimalist sets and a cast of just four it was up to the actors to bring emotion and warmth to this performance, and they managed it brilliantly.

In essence the show follows four people moving into adulthood as they search for love and ask the question – is it really worth messing it all up in order to know who I really am? From sisters Caitlyn and Haley separately resenting the change in each other before coming together to say they just want things back the way they were to a couple deciding that they’re not ready to say I love you so settling on “I hmm you” the show is witty and light hearted yet all the while it captures the real confusion and immediacy of

from most residences. There are a series of workshops coming up to further this aim of ‘breaking down

ICIA Music PreviewVauxhall Pleasure24th OctoberICIA Arts Theatre£7 for Students

Singularities: Kadialy Kouyate plays Kora12th November£4 for Students

John Foxx - The Quiet Man5th December £7 for Students

ICIA Music: Particle Smashing and Genre Mashing by Philip Bloomfield

the fourth wall’ between audience and performer: ranging from strings to samba to Moroccan singers and Zimbabwean traditional folk musicians.

The ICIA sees it’s role as nurturing as well as providing: Michael is keen to see what people are interested in and then enabling people to continue and develop their interests following workshops and performances: essentially to enable students to get involved with the arts themselves. Yvonne Elston, the ICIA’s marketing director, describes this year as an exciting one “It’s a feeler year, but one with a clear motive and purpose”.

And as for who he’d like to bring to the ICIA in an ideal world? Michael laughs: “I’d like to commission Steve Reich to write a composition to perform here… or Radiohead…or Bob Dylan. Wow, what a thought…”

adolescence. The best part of the evening had

to be the song “In short” where one man utters the bottom line of his break up – “I hope you die”. The song is a tumultuous list of possible revenges he’d like to enact upon his discarded lover which had the audience in shocked fits of laughter which had to be suppressed well into the following scene.

So overall a smart new show brought to fruition by the fresh enthusiasm of a great cast. Well done to BUSMS. Be sure to check out “All in the Timing” this weekend (Fri 16th to Sun 18th) to see if BUST’s comedic performance can match the high standard set out this week.

Laurence WhitakerEnts Contributor

BUSMs keep the audience on the Edges of their seats

Fast-paced, upbeat, Edges is brilliantly warm and sets the standard high for stu-dent performance

Elements-ary, my dear WatsonIf you can brave Philip Bloomfield’s terrible puns, read on as he sniffs around, bloodhound-like, for what’s coming up at the Union over the next two weeks...

AMIDST ALL this consummate excitement about this band and that band playing Bristol and the cat’s mother signing books in Bath, it’s often a little easy to forget quite how much is going on right on your doorstep. Why, you can just step out of your halls and smell the fresh taste of homecooked entertainments, wafting its way across Parade and into your synapses.

First up, We Are Klang bring their comic madcappery to Elements as part of the new Elements of Laughter season, on the 27th October. Tickets are just £5 in advance, purchasable from the Plug Bar. The Bars team are working with the Avalon agency to bring high quality comedy to the SU throughout the academic year: given that the agency lists Chris Addison of In The Loop fame, nerdy comic Dave Gorman and the whipsmart wit of Lee Mack amongst the comedians on their roster, it’s probably worth booking an appointment with your doctor in advance to get those sides stitched up.

For those unfamiliar with WAK, the trio have recently brought their slapstick sci fi act to the BBC following a series of highly successful tours. Think Hitchhiker’s Guide To

The Galaxy meets Harry Hill meets Fawlty Towers. In some sort of stupid looking futuristic blender.

impact is also gleefully rubbing its hands together at the prospect of seeing a sneak preview of the eighth series of Family Guy in Elements. This is a new series which hasn’t yet been aired in the UK, and you’ll get a full two episodes of the usual off the wall antics for the princely sum of free. For the record, if impact was a Family Guy character, we’d be Brian. Suave, drunk, moody and covered in fleas. Keep your eyes peeled for the screening date.

Those of you in the mood for something a little more energetic might want to head down to the Afro-Carribean Society (ACS) 80s night on the 20th October. impact will not be showing you how to do the running man at any point during the evening.

WE ARE KlANG - Me(n)tal

Five Minute Film Review

- ZombielandSOUND IS an integral part of modern cinema. It’s such an important part in how we digest the film that it’s overlooked in almost every review. No-one talks about new horror comedy Zombieland and remarks how crisp the crunch of the bones sound when Woody Harrelson batters an undead skull in with a banjo. Of course, to say that’s the only thing about the film which tickles would be a falsehood. Jesse Eisenberg stars as the hilariously panicky and nervy loner who finds himself apparently alone following a zombie apocalypse. He’s survived not through courage or strength, but through cowardice and a heavy dose of OCD. When he runs into Harrelson’s Tallahassee, (an ass kicking redneck), they bond not out of grudging respect for each other, but purely because they happen to be going the same way.

Enter Abigail Breslin and Emma Stone, playing two con artiste sisters who’ve survived through guile, exploitation and being handy with automatic weapons. Of course, Jonah falls madly in love (understandably given the way the blue eyed vixen handles a pump action shotgun) with Stone’s character Wichita and the whole thing romps to a gory conclusion in a theme park outside of LA, via way of an inspired cameo appearance from someone very famous indeed. Highly recommended.

MUSIC TO MY EARSJosie Cox found herself on he receiving end this week...”Pregnant Insect - CobaltPhil Says: “Incredibly aggressive US Black Metal”Josie (Features) Says: “My ears hurt. Turn it off!”


Arts

Hey guys! It’s week three and already we’ve had some fabulous performances from BUST and BUSMS as well as an awesome Arts and Media day and, starting on Friday, we have the one and only Show in a Week. What could be more fun?

Thanks to everyone that came along to the Arts and Media day at the end of Freshers’ Week despite the fact it was cold and rainy. If you had lots of fun make sure you sign up on BathStudent.com to an arts society. Edges by BUSMS last weekend was amazing, catch them in their next musical venture of FOOTLOOSE in March. This weekend BUST entertained the masses with a hilarious rendition of

“All in the Timing”, a little different from their version of Twelfth Night taking place in December.

MusicSoc are busy warming up for “Oxjam”, a wicked night featuring a combination of live bands and DJs. As all the profits from the night will be going to charity, be sure to take a break from Show in a Week to check it out on 29th October in Elements. This year the Show in a Week is going to be an incredible nine days full of hectic rehearsals, set building, costume designing, choreography and lots of fun! We kick it off with the Launch Party on Friday 23rd October (2-3pm in Elements) featuring some awesome performances. Then, what you’ve all been waiting for, the release of the theme. Invitation to the party is open to all participants. On Saturday 31st October 7.30pm we go live in the Arts Lecture Theatre for a spectacular performance, which is not to be missed. Tickets are a real bargain at only £4. To get involved join an arts society on BathStudent.com.

See you all at the launch. Any questions give me an email on [email protected]

Have fun!

Ann

Once there was a paradise. Now there is a roundabout.

ICIA presents an intriguing, multi-layered sensory experience at the Arts Theatre this Saturday (24th October).

Vauxhall Pleasure includes a contemporary chamber ensemble (harpsichord, violins, viola, cello, f lute and soprano), recorded

The Arts Officer writes

soundscapes and projected visuals. It’s described as a “protest piece” in response to burgeoning traffic & pollution.

Artist Anna Best and composer Paul Whitty have created a sonic history of one of London’s busiest traffic interchanges (Vauxhall), which, as it happens, stands on a site once occupied by a pleasure

garden – hence the title. Their finished work reflects

the changes witnessed by this small pocket of our capital over the centuries, and features the 18th Century music of Thomas Arne (originally performed in the pleasure gardens), intertwined with recordings made at the site today.

Vauxhall Pleasure was originally performed at Tate Britain and this will be its first performance outside London – a real coup for ICIA.

ICIA is also running a selection of workshops to accompany this event. For full details, visit www.bath.ac.uk/icia

Where did all the pleasure go?“A cri de coeur on behalf of beauty, pleasure, human exp r ess ion and humanity itself ” Times

Tickets for BUSU students just £5, or a measly £3 with an Arts Discount Card.

Vauxhall Pleasure – Sat 24th Oct – 7.30pm – ICIA Arts Theatre

Book now at ICIA’s Box Office (1E 2.1).

Did we mention that The Times thought it was great? Well they did. It wasn’t just great, but a ‘cri de coeur’. How could you consider missing this? Answer: you couldn’t. So go see it. It’s on 24th October . Be there . Seriously.

Contact ICIA on [email protected]

Vauxhall PleasureSaturday Oct 24th, 7.30pmICIA Arts TheatreTickets: £5 BUSU, £3 Arts discount card from the ICIA box office 1E 2.1 01225 386777

The ICIA logo

Not the ICIA logo

Spot the difference


Student Media

Now going into its second year of broadcast, Protest Beats brings the

SINGLE OF THE FORTNIGHTBIFFY CLYRO – THE CAPTAIN

How To Listen:

Scots Biffy Clyro have taken the airwaves by storm with their new single ‘The Captain’. Crowned as Zane Lowe’s ‘Hottest Record in the World’ in early September and having enjoyed a month on the playlists at Radio 1, and of course 1449am URB, this track is still going strong. ‘The Captain’ is showered in fierce guitar hooks that will leave any rock fan quivering for more and the sing-along melody is harder to shift out of your head than a severe case of Fresher’s ‘Flu. The track is released for general aural consumption by 14th Floor Records on 26/10, but to listen now, go to www.1449urb.co.uk and request it.

URB NEW AND

UNSIGNED

best of what the underground punk scene has to offer to the airwaves of 1449am URB. Featuring a mix of ska, hardcore, thrash and much, much more, Sam Hurley brings you weekly features on bands playing near you, updates on local demos, gigs and events, as well as new singles from some of the biggest alternative acts on the planet. For more information on what the rest of URB’s shows have to offer visit www.1449urb.co.uk.

Tune your radio to 1449AM or listen online at www.1449urb.co.uk

Zap

OLD SCHOOL: we’ve upgraded our gear since this photo was taken.

Student Sudoku cre-ated by CatwomanEach Sudoku has a unique solu-tion that can be reached logi-cally without guessing. Enter

ON WEDNESDAY the 14th of October, 1449AM URB & CTV came together in a beautiful relationship to bring you the first of many ‘New & Unsigned’ sessions this year. Each week, new and unsigned bands from across the UK will come into the studio and record a session which will be filmed and subsequently aired on 1449AM URB & on CTV.

This week brings Essex indie-rock band States of Emotion to Bath. Currently recording their new album with ex-Manic Street Preachers producer Greg Haver,

FEATURED SHOWPROTEST BEATS WITH SAM HURLEY Thursday 9-10pm

and preparing for a February tour, this is an exciting time for the band.

Be sure to listen to ‘The New & Unsigned Show’ from 9 til 10pm on Monday 19th October for the first airing of the session tracks and interviews. Watch the video online from next week on bathctv.com.

In a band? Fancy a go at being a cameraman/radio presenter? Get in touch with Liam at urb-s o u nd @b at h .ac .u k f o r mo re information about how you can get involved with these sessions.

digits from 1 to 9 into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. You’d think that, being Catwom-an, I wouldn’t have time to cre-

SUDOKU CREATOR: see if you can guess her numbers...

H e l l o , a l l y o u f u n - l o v i n g university types. I ’m writing to encourage you people to get involved with the glorious media group that is Campus Television (CTV). Since we last appeared in this wonderful publication we have teamed up with URB and BUMPS to record an acoustic set and interview with States of Emotion in the studio, we will be doing a second round of recording this Wednesday also so come on down to the studio in 3 East to see what’s going on!

As well as recording another acoustic set this Wednesday, we will also be filming this week’s edition of CTV’s Student News. If you would like to help present the news and see your wonderful face appear on the homepage of bathstudent.com then email [email protected]. Our reporters will also be around campus filming the large variety of sport that is going on.

We will soon be filming and producing a cookery show. We will be showcasing how to cook simple, affordable dishes but are also open to a challenge so if you want us to cook something interesting get in touch and let us know! Alternatively, if you want to show off some of your culinary expertise, send us an email and we

will sort something out!As always, if you have any other

ideas about programs or features that you want filmed, join us, grab a camera and get filming. It really is as simple as that!

Its not only filming stuff that CTV do; they also write, direct, edit and produce! If you are interested in any of the above come along to the members’ meeting next Monday (26th ) in 3w 3.15 at 6:15. You can join CTV online at bathstudent.com/ctv for the mere sum of £4. Membership gets you access to all of our equipment and the expertise of the AV department.

If you’d like to find out what it

is inside the cup which has our

editorial team so excited, why

not come along to a meeting?

URB OFFICE: Doesn’t it look exciting? Not even a little?

Get involved

Every Tuesday in Plug at 6.15,

be there, or we’ll find you...

ate Sudokus, but, knowing how important it is to students’ lives, I make time. Because I care. Peace out, and remember, never push Michelle Pfeiffer off the top of a building.


Entertainment

The First Days of SpringNoah and the WhaleVertigoOut Now

Sigh No MoreMumford and SonsIslandOut Now

EVERY SUMMER sees the release of some godawful piece of grotesquely happy cheese-pop which endlessly comes on in clubs, and animates people to the level of mindless groupthinking excitement usually associated with the Nuremberg rallies. In 2006 it was Lily Allen’s ‘Smile’; then ‘Grace Kelly’ by Mika, and in 2008, ‘Five Years Time’ by Noah and the Whale, as inanely happy yet bland as a sugar-coated ryvita. Thus I had to overcome some serious psychological resistance to spin this album. I received the kind of pleasant surprise as I’d have had if the blind date I arranged over the World of Warcraft forums had turned out to be Audrey Tautou (it didn’t).

When the album opened with booming kettledrums (like the beginning of 2001:A Space Odyssey), I didn’t know what to think. As the song developed I gradually began to

realize it was not worthless pop trash, but an epic, ambitious piece of music, difficult to categorise by genre. The rest of the album didn’t disappoint; there’s no bubblegum pop to be seen, no valium-induced euphoric bell-end-waving. It’s been replaced by dark, brooding tunes, lush string sections, choral works, post rock instrumentals, and general gloom. The change in mood is radical enough to remind me of the time I was on the way to a party and got stuck in a lift with Leonard Cohen, who decided to pass the time by reading aloud from an illustrated book of suicide notes.

I always try artists I’ve never heard of, like Mumford and Sons, with a little apprehension (I’ve listened to a whole lot of toss in the name of ‘open mindedness’), so by the end of the first track of Sigh No More I was feeling relieved - it sounds like it could have come from Fleet Foxes, one of my favourite bands of the moment.

Forgetting Laura Marling

The similarity with Fleet Foxes dips off after track one though, and they move towards more standard folk rock territory. This is a shame, as there’s one lesson Mumford could have learned from them: Fleet Foxes, being both American and bearded, have to take many precautions to ensure nobody mistakes them for hicks - step no. 1 in this process is never to play or even go anywhere near a banjo. Unfortunately, Mumford seem obsessed with the instrument, which is a real shame, because it is otherwise a fairly solid album - nice and varied, with enough to keep you interested the whole way through, but still somewhat disappointing compared with Noah and the Whale’s effort.

To sum up, The First Days of Spring is a smorgasbord of different styles and instruments; Sigh No More is a similar smorgasbord, but on which most of the dishes taste a bit too much like kipper.

Greased LightningEarthly DelightsLightning BoltLoadOut TodayTHE CLUE about how Lightning Bolt might sound comes from their name, more than anything. T h e i r c o m b i n a t i o n o f e a r t h quaking drum battery and muscle quivering bass fret mangling should, by all accounts, lead to me pulling the roof down around me and throwing myself through walls before running screaming, bloody and naked down the nearest residential street until I’m hit by an oncoming car.

They seem to do everything right: they’re extremely loud even by my standards, they play a bass guitar through more pedals than you could shake an inflatable comedy fist at and in concert they put socks on their heads and play on the floor. Even so, the much feted Hypermagic Mountain might have snarled and glared at me through the bars of the jewel case, but it never managed to grab a limb and drag me howling into the duo’s ugly, brutal world.

This might just have changed with Earthly Delights, even if it’s hard to put a finger on exactly why that is. The guitars are still caked in prehistoric fuzz and swathes of sparking feedback, but this finally feels like a record where the instrumentation has

been allowed to breathe. Where beforehand riffs were thrown into industrial sized blenders and the remnants driven through a high pressure hosepipe directly into your skull, this time around something feels different: opener ‘Sound Guardians’ is digestible; y e t f r a n t i c s t i l l , a g i g a n t i c w h i t e n o i s e s e a re d S a b b a t h breakdown blowing huge holes in Brian Chippendale’s atypically manic percussion. ‘Colossus’ is something entirely new and more straightforward, indecipherable vocals from intercepted military communications echoing over a riff so titanic you’d need an iceberg to sink the motherfucker. Building into a sound like five jets taking off, it’s frankly devastating.

I can pre-empt the criticisms from established fans: something along the lines of Earthly Delights being ‘tame’ by the duo’s standards or maybe a suggestion that this new discovery of something resembling melody (in the same way that Shelley’s Frankenstein resembled a human) is them ‘selling out’. But this album is aggressively loud by anyone’s standards. Only Lightning Bolt could take a tabla drum sound and make chakra sound like an avalanche. Only Lightning Bolt could make a bluegrass lick split eardrums. And only Lightning Bolt would end an album with a tumultuous twelve-minute descent into hell. Earthly Delights is the natural and logical progression for the pair, and it flat out rocks.

Philip Bloomfield,Ents Editor

Poetry of the DeedFrank TurnerXtra Mile RecordingsOut NowFRANK TURNER was just a name to me until my girlfriend told me about his lyrical perambulation and dragged me to see him at Leeds festival. Warm hearted and funny throughout he filled me with a wonderful sense of joy and optimism - and he created the first ever circle ‘jig’.

Now to the album. First single ‘The Road’ really captures the sense of yearning and restlessness felt by anyone who always needs more.

Many critics slam Turner for his Etonian background but I say you can’t change where you came from. He’s his own man with his own views and the way he puts them across places him in a field of his own. Get behind him, we need more people like him: down to earth, optimistic and fucked off with the way the world is.

This album is like listening to someone else taking all the thoughts in your head that you worry only you feel and then hearing them played just to you like a reassuring poem. Then you see him live or think of all the other people feeling the same as they listen to this album and that just creates this amazing sense of unity and oneness.

In a time where we are left without a guide, when politicians are corrupt and irrelevant, when parents only care about resurrecting their own broken dreams, this is the man who can tell

you the things you need to know…listen to his wisdom, wrap yourself in the warmth of his voice…turn the lights out, sip whisky from a glass and let him teach you how to live.

Laurence Whitaker,Ents Contributor

Let’s Be FrankTurn the lights out and

let him teach you how

to live.

Riffs so titanic you’d need an iceberg to sink them: Earthly Delights is a natural progression which flat out rocks.

Science Editor Steve Ramsey has a look at folk lovely Laura Marling’s recent

conquests and decides that one’s a smorgasbord of musical delights, and the

other tastes a bit like a kipper...

The Blueprint 3Jay-ZAtlanticOut NowELEVENTH ALBUM syndrome isn’t something many of today’s artists come up against. Remaining relevant and ahead of the pack in the ever-changing rap game isn’t easy but it’s a challenge Jay-Z faced when recording his latest album: The Blueprint 3. Pressure was on, but could the Brooklyn native deliver?!

As it turns out, Jay-Z has actually released a very enjoyable album that is leaps and bounds ahead of this year’s rap releases but is still far off classic status. One of the albums initial flaws is that it can’t decide whether to stick to the old-school formula that’s worked so well or ‘evolve’ and try something fresh. In the end it doesn’t decide and compromises by becoming a crossover of styles. There are a handful of tracks that try to be too modern and lack conviction whilst others contain a little too much bragging even by rapping standards.

With all that being said, there are some classic cuts throughout the 15 track journey. The album’s highlight comes with ‘Empire State of Mind’ when the “hood’s hip-hop Sinatra” teams up with Alicia Keys for a dedication to New York City. Some other personal favorites include ‘Thank You’, ‘Already Home’ and

the undeniable ‘Run This Town’. It is incredible that a rap mogul like Jay-Z with his hands in so many honey-pots (Record label CEO, New Jersey Nets co-owner & husband to Beyonce) can still remain relevant and consistently deliver quality over such a long period of time.

So overall, the third installment of The Blueprint series is a very good listen but it’s no classic. The problem when reviewing Jay-Z is that one naturally judges him on past achievements and in comparison this one doesn’t stand out. That being said, be sure to pick up a copy. Afterall, this is the best rapper alive we’re talking about… (Ed. Maybe…)

Alex Drake,Ents Contributor

Jay-Three

A compromise ecord

that only suffers when

compared to Jigga’s

own high standards...

THE JIGGAMAN - those fingers are in a lot of pies.

LIGHTNING BOLT: Paramilitary chic is all the rage in the noiserock scene

THE NEW RECRUIT: Sorry kid, but I don’t think you can hit that hard enough to join the band.


Entertainments

Noah and the WhaleKomedia, Bath11th October 2009I FIRST saw Noah and the Whale in 2008 at a festival whilst they were in the middle of enjoying the success of their number seven single ‘5 Years Time’. They played to a large crowd who were dancing, chanting, singing and generally enjoying the fresh-faced, youthful, country-folk knees-up in front of them. Christ above how times have changed. Front man Charlie Fink broke up with his long term girlfriend and recording partner Laura Marling and then wrote an embarrassingly painful album (Ed: Our Science Editor seems to disagree here…How about we get you both in a ring mano y mano?) about her and her evil feminine wiles that stole his heart and then stamped all over it. Imagine listening to that on a dark, cold night in Bath, and then imagine listening to that LIVE and SEEING HIS PAIN on a dark, cold night in Bath...

Ok it wasn’t that bad, but swapping a ukulele for an electric guitar and losing

Lillie Flynn on the harmonies and violin and replacing her with a hairy man in a plaid shirt that can’t quite reach the high notes doesn’t seem like the smartest move. Neither does telling the crowd to be quiet during the songs either. Awkward.

High points included ‘For the love of an Orchestra’, ‘Shape of my Heart’ and of course ‘5 Years Time’ (despite the distinct lack of ukulele), however low points included all the songs about how miserable and fucked up his life is now, such as the emotionally wrought ‘Stranger’ and ‘I Have Nothing’. A lacklustre crowd and a generally gloomy atmosphere made for a strangely sad evening. Fink needs a new muse to bring back the joie de vivre to his music. Applications by post please.

Noah and the WailEnts Correspondent Jen Wallace stumbles down the metaphorical shoreline to find a beached white Whale at Komedia...

THE BIBLE reads rather like an historical biography, though rather than having a temporal protagonist, God is cast in the starring role. So it’s quite long. While all other characters fade away God is a constant anchor for this book - though not always in the foreground. The decision to describe the sub-sections of the book as ‘books’ is either a curiosity of the composition of the book or absurdly pretentious. We begin with one of the more God-centric and action packed books, Genesis.

Here we meet a cast of variously unsympathetic characters who all live for far too long. God himself does not come off particularly well. It would be terribly silly to try to detect or assess God’s motives, and I’m not sufficiently arrogant to do so. I would simply note that he does not have the reader’s sympathy. In the first few pages we are introduced to four supporting cast members - the first four humans - three of them are exiled and the fourth is murdered. It’s at this point that you can be confident that if you’re in this for the long-haul it’s not going to be an easy ride. Genesis is a busy little series of stories, starting with the creation of all things by God. There is something rather pleasant about a book so thorough that it begins at the beginning of all things. These stories are connected by lengthy (and tedious) genealogies which do something to justify the fact that - other than through God - these stories are more or less unconnected.

peoples who, I am confident, will reappear as enemies of the people of Israel. As a literary conceit it is sordid but satisfying. The most unpleasant incident of this kind occurs in a cave after the destruction of Sodom where Lot - an old friend of Abraham - is hiding with his daughters. The daughters swiftly realise that they’re not going to get any man up in their cave, and so they date rape their father in turn, which is super not-cool.

Abraham’s sequence of successors are nowhere near as charming. Jacob has twelve sons by four women, foreshadowing the 21st Century underclass, and his decision to pick a clear favourite not only turns that favourite into an almost unbearable tit, but also leads his less favoured brothers to turn on him, nick his coat and sell him into slavery. Probably, on balance, an overreaction. The ending is fairly well known, and cleverly places the progenitors of Israel in Egypt, where they need to be for the start of the next chapter. Whatever will God do next?

Noah pops up next. He’s descended from Adam. But so are you, so that’s nothing special. God’s intolerance and high-order rage are in evidence once again and he decides to eliminate the human race for their villainy. This could be fair. Many people are of the opinion that the wicked should be punished for their crimes, but at this point in our story God has laid out no criteria for a ‘good’ life, so it’s not clear whether these people have been punished for murder or for eating shellfish.

The shining star, and only human character, in Genesis is Abraham. This man acquits himself admirably in the course of the book, standing up to God to insist that his justice is appropriate and exacting, making the point repeatedly that God should not destroy Sodom unless he’s absolutely certain that there’s definitely no one who is not ‘wicked’ in it. Since God sets the criteria for wickedness, Abraham’s questioning God seems a bit redundant, but we don’t expect complex theology to have popped up yet. He has a charmingly 21st Century approach in a book which is otherwise medieval in its approach to humanity and its level of gore.

The author of this book seems to have something of a preoccupation with incest and extra-marital relations. At times the reading is almost unpleasant. These odd unions tend to serve as the progenitors of assorted historical

File Under: Probably OffensiveSam Foxman might be uniquely qualified for a strictly literary review of the Bible: his first word was ‘Light’. This week, he kicks off with Genesis. Those without a sense of humour should look away now...

Broken EmbracesThe Little Theatre, BathDir. Pedro AlmodóvarStarring Penélope CruzOut NowBROKEN EMBRACES (or Los abrazos rotos by its original Spanish name) marks the fourth collaboration between director Pedro Almodóvar and his muse Penélope Cruz, fresh from her Oscar win earlier this year for Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Here, the Spanish duo reunites for the story of film director and writer Harry Caine, a blind and elderly man who confronts the ghosts of his past, events which are slowly revealed in the form of flashbacks that predominantly feature Cruz’s enigmatic actress Lena and a successful yet seedy businessman by the name of Ernesto Martel. What follows is a captivating tale of rejection, deceit and loss.

As talented as she is beautiful (a tough feat nowadays in Hollywood, with its influx of pretty-but-dim ‘starlets’ led by the insufferably boring Megan Fox and Jessica Alba), Cruz leads the film with a strong, if not spectacular, central performance.

Almodóvar deliberately does not give us much below the surface of Elena, creating a mystery around the character’s true intent and feelings. However, this means that there is only so much that Cruz can do in her role: though she excels in scenes where Elena’s fiery passion and brittle emotion (two of the actress’ specialities) are in raw display, in between those moments she unfortunately is unable to reach the dizzy heights of her recent critically-lauded performances in Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Volver. Nevertheless, her committed turn

continues to prove her status as a film star actually worthy of Hollywood’s A-list, and she is ably supported by an unknown cast (at least to English-speaking audiences), especially by Lluís Homar as the afflicted protagonist.

F o r f a n s o f A l m o d ó v a r ’ s trademark melodrama, the twists and turns may not prove wholly satisfying or, indeed, surprising. A promising storyline about a vengeful documentary maker that starts out seemingly important is never effectively explored and is left neglected as a simple two-dimensional plot device. The result may prove more pleasing for those unfamiliar with the odd auteur; but, as it is, the film’s conclusion lacked something, despite the strength of the performances and screenplay that preceded it. A shame, considering Almodóvar’s usual flair for the brilliant and the unusual, but Broken Embraces is surely still worth a watch as a refreshing alternative (both in style and story) to usual mainstream cinematic fare.

Luke Walsh, Ents Contributor

Cruz Control

Bring back the joie de

vivre ; Noah’s ark is

sinking under the weight

of depression

Almodóvar’s tale of rejection, deceit and loss only falls at the final hurdle

Make Mine A SingleEnts Contributors Laurence Whitaker, Alec McLaurin, Alex Drake and Chris Aristides run down this week’s singles for your aural pleasure.Mr Hudson White LiesGOOD musicOut NowKANYE WEST’S latest protégé comes out on this synth driven pop number to prove he doesn’t need a big name feature to command a track. And he does an excellent job of that, as this is a beautiful slice of pop/soul. The Birmingham native is getting more and more press, so be sure to snap up a copy of his debut solo album, Straight No Chaser, on Monday.

Miike SnowBlack & BlueDowntown RecordsOut NowWHO IS Miike Snow? Where have they sprung from? Did they misspell their own name with two i’s? Such questions become irrelevant when delicious electro-pop of this quality is in question. The shimmering production and smooth vocals for this second single off their debut album should earn it deserved airplay.

Massive AttackSplitting The AtomDowntown RecordsOut NowREPETITIVE, DULL, plodding, uninspired. Massive Attack must be aware of something far better than you’ve ever experienced. ‘Bulletproof Love’ is like a slowed down audio version of Futurama without any intentional comedy whilst title track ‘Splitting the Atom’ maunders on with haunting vocals hinting towards an

eternally dismal future. Given their pedigree, it’s unfortunate that this is so immediately forgettable.

Passion PitLittle SecretsFrenchkiss RecordsOut NowTHE MASSACHUSETTS-BASED quintet, in an interview for Australian radio, revealed that the second single from Manners was inspired by a quest for childhood emancipation. The result is one that appeals on several levels – there’s enough to satisfy indie hipsters and electronica purists alike – with all the innovation of a Heston Blumenthal recipe: some Hot Chip-style intellect, a dash of MGMTesque dance pop and a liberal helping of Justice-inspired creativity. It shouldn’t work. But it does.

The Dead WeatherI Cut Like A BuffaloThird MineReleased October 26th THE DEAD Weather, Jack White’s latest project sees him team up with Alison Mosshart of The Kills and Jack Lawrence from his Raconteurs project, amongst others. Opening with an awesomely bluesy bass line backed up with organ that makes you expect Creedence Clearwater Revival , ‘Cut Like A Buffalo’ thinks it’s a lot better than it is. No progression from the original bassline coupled with surprisingly poor lyrics like : “Is that you choking or are you joking” makes this a testimony that super groups don’t always work.

PHIL COLLINS: No, not that Genesis

PENELOPE CRUZ: How many more cruise puns can we make?

Learning ‘Skills through Sport’


Sabbs’ Corner

Your Vice President Sport James Christmas explains the possibilities for learning being provided for you

THROUGH THEIR sponsorship with BUCS (British Universities and Colleges Sport), PWC are introducing their concept ‘Skills through Sport’ programme across just ten universities this year. Bath is lucky enough to have been chosen as one of these and so over the year you will all have the opportunity to attend these workshops.

There will be eight in total spread over the year with the first being held on Tuesday 27th October. The programme aims to develop the skills you learn through playing or coaching sport and transferring them into the business sector. Each workshop should help build your own skills to develop your employability – a sentiment shared by the head recruiters at PWC.

Each session will be run by experts from PWC who also have experience

of playing or coaching sport at all levels. The sessions will run through SORTED and will be added to their list of sessions on the web but will also be advertised through the Sports Association. These sessions will be a valuable addition to the opportunities available to our sports students and will also contribute towards attaining the Bath Award.

The following courses are being made available as part of the trial:

Coaching for Excellence - This session defines the importance of the role of a coach and explores successful coaching structures, techniques and required skills. This session is designed for students who either deliver or receive coaching and will highlight the importance and relevance of this skill in the world of employment.

Motivate for Success - This session explores the importance of understanding individual and team motivation. The session also highlights the importance of understanding potential conflicts between individual and team motivators. Gaining an appreciation of your team’s motivational value system will ultimately lead to improved team performance.

“NO FOOD” - NO More!Fancy a bite to eat? Level 2 is now the place to be.

WE ARE very lucky in Bath to have such a well-equipped library, especially as it is open 24 hours! So many other universities around the country do not share this same luxury and, being years behind, are attempting to develop towards a service as accomplished and convenient as ours.

Even with this fantastic service in place, it is great to know that the Library is continuing to better facilities and improve the working environment for students. As many of you returning students would have already noticed, over the summer several areas of the library have seen improvements, including the foyer, level 3, as well as level 1.

George, VP Education, and I have recently had a meeting with the library staff to get up to speed with these recent developments. One fantastic change, which will undoubtedly help students, is the modification to the “no food” rule. To make things easier for students, with the aim of accommodating as many different working environments as possible, the Library is now allowing “lidded drinks

and cold food” (only) on Level 2. This is a pilot scheme to see if it

helps students working in the library and also if it improves the mess left in other areas of the library. I’m sure you would agree with me when I say this is going to be very helpful to all students, however… We have been warned!

The Library staff reminded us that this is merely a pilot scheme and that if rules are broken and rubbish is left behind by students, without the cleaners’ help you would get in a bar or restaurant (remember we are talking about a library!), the scheme will be scrapped. They also showed us that they have attempted to combat the possible rubbish problems by

providing new waste and recycling bins – please use them.

I believe this is a fantastic decision and one that we need to embrace and respect. I urge all students who use/will use Level 2 in the library to eat their lunch to abide by the rules so we can sustain this scheme and keep the networking space of Level 2 in an environment we will all use, rather than have it scrapped after this temporary pilot and go back to no food in the library at all.

It really is great to see that the Library is continuing to satisfy the needs of students. It’s now down to us. Remember we are lucky to have such a fantastic library, let us keep it that way!

HI EVERYONE! After many of you were asking about my campaigning promise of bringing a stall selling fancy dress costumes onto campus, I am happy to tell you that Sixes and Sevens, the Fancy Dress store in town, will be selling items up on the Parade on the right hand side of the library every Friday.

They will be up here for the next four weeks on a trial period, so please check out what they have to offer! We are working with them to make sure that they have the right kind of accessories that you will need to make your costumes for all the

Fancy Dress Stall Now On Campus!

Daniel O’Toole

SU President

[email protected]

You said, we did! Scarlett Seager has sorted out your fancy dressing needs.

up-coming themed nights of Flirt!, including items for Halloween. Fancy dress costumes will also be very useful for Score, and for any volunteering/charity events that may have a certain theme.

There is of course the fruit and vegetable Catwalk Show occurring in early November, in aid of our Healthy Living Week, will also require some creativity and I am very sure the staff of Sixes and Sevens will be happy to help you out with your ideas and provide some inspiration.

Happy Shopping!!!!!!

SORTED IS unique here at the University – no where else offers self development courses like them. Courses range from “Working in a Deaf Environment” and “Referencing – A Beginners guide” to “Microsoft Word” and “The Alexander Technique” (How to sit in a chair properly without damaging your back!).

AFTER THE success of the Carnival Day in Freshers’ Week and the well-attended Activities’ Fair held a fortnight ago, the Societies Area has had some welcome additions to the range of societies on offer:

Architecture Sans Frontieres (ASF:UK Bath), Bath University Asian Students Society (BUASS), Business & Humanities Interest Group, Scandinavian Society and University of Bath Management Society (UBMS) have been accepted as newly established societies , and can now be joined on BathStudent.com, and I wish them all a successful future..

As well as new societies, both the Societies and Arts Areas have agreed to a new the Code of Conduct that now must be followed by all societies. It combines some old policies and covers from core requirements and recommendations for committees to follow, but also extends as far as society events, and the disciplinary actions that may be undertaken if the policy is not followed. The Code of Conduct also clears up any ambiguity with starting a new society, fully explaining the affiliation process.

For more information on the new code of conduct please turn to the Societies page on BathStudent.com

There are close to 100 courses taking place in semester one alone and almost all are FREE to attend. All the courses highlight and expand on key transferable skills that are highly sought after by employers, and complement your academic qualifications. The sessions are open to all students so whether you’re a fresher, final year or postgraduate, the courses are made for you.

Some courses also apply to the Bath Award, and can be used to support your application.

If you wish to attend a SORTED session, or require more information, pick up a SORTED booklet outside SU Reception or on the 1 East Corridor, or visit www.BathStudent.com/sorted

An update on societies and info about SORTED from VP A&D Richard Butterfield

Discover what’s on offer

Employability through Sport - selling the skills you have acquired through sport to graduate employers. Understanding the skills you have acquired through sport and how they relate to employer competencies.

Commercial Awareness through Sport - Can your passion for sport contribute to your commercial awareness? In this session we explore the meaning of commercial awareness and how to understand sport from a commercial perspective. For example, why do salaries vary so much from sport to sport?

This is a fantastic opportunity to develop some skills that will not only benefit your sport here but will also help later on in life.

For more information on any of the sessions please email VP Sport on [email protected]


Science and Technology

sportimpact



Students’ Union


Sport No provocation please, we’re football fans.Sam Foxman wonders why soccer supporters can be justified for their actions towards players.

12 SEPTEMBER 2009 - a truly terrible event took place. Not only did Manchester City beat Arsenal, but striker Emmanuel Adebayor shamefully, in an event almost too terrible to relate, ran the length of the pitch to celebrate his goal against his previous club in front of their own fans.

Everyone is in agreement, it seems, that this act of inhumanity is one of the most horrendous sporting incidents since the 1980s and, rather than being attributable to poor stadium regulation, this event was the product of the spite and malice of one of the most hateful people to have ever played in the Premier League. This is probably slightly overstating the public case against the player, but there can be no doubt that the reactions to Adebayor’s decision have not been positive, with calls for sanctions to be placed on him and for the conduct of footballers to be even more rigorously controlled. The Arsenal fans in the stadium reacted furiously to this celebration, in some cases throwing ‘missiles’ onto the pitch, in others attempting to rush at the security that surrounded

the pitch. All of this rage is, of course, entirely understandable. Adebayor is our villain here.

Does this seem odd to anyone else? A footballer celebrates a goal in a provocative manner and fans behave like thugs. I don’t think it’s fair to say that the behaviour of the fans is in any way the player’s responsibility. To briefly drift into analogy, occasionally I go to the theatre. There are some terrible people on stage, really nasty chaps. In my experience, my fellow viewers have never surrendered to the urge to throw their programmes at them; similarly at the cinema – though since there are no programmes it would more likely be overpriced popcorn and oversized beverages serving as ‘missiles’. In a not dissimilar way, if I go out on a night out and offend someone’s sensibilities – as I have done on occasion – if he punches me in the face it is he who is in the wrong in the eyes of the law, and rightly so. Provocation should not excuse moronic exhibitions of violence.

Perhaps it is understandable that Adebayor has to be held to account. In two of my examples listed above, it is not the individual, but a character that they are playing who is the cause of the trouble,

and people – it might be argued – do not suspend their disbelief sufficiently to feel the need to pelt actors or screens. Football is different. The people playing the game are real people and they are professionals. They can be expected to behave in a reasonable manner, and his celebration was in no sense reasonable.

Football fans have a long history of being expected to behave badly. They can sing as offensively as they like, as much as they like

for as long as they want, and a professional sportsman is vilified for rising to that provocation. One can only drink soft drinks from plastic bottles at a football match because in their state of nature, as far as the regulating authorities are concerned, football fans are ill-tempered alcoholic thugs. It was this inherent characteristic which Adebayor unleashed and he, as a professional, should have known better.

But this justification is wholly

intolerable. This approach does n o t h i n g b u t u n d e r m i n e t h e entertainment of the ‘beautiful game’. Football hooliganism is not something one hears about regularly, if at all, these days, and that’s great. But fear of the spectre of violence doesn’t justify the level of criticism raised at Adebayor. Giving the players a bit more liberty on the pitch might be a nice opportunity for the fans to grow up. Perhaps the media and officials should let them.

PASSIONATE OR THUGGISH?: Fans can often be hostile towards players on the pitch, at home and abroad.

Sam FoxmanContributor

THE MARTIAL Art of Jitsu isn’t just about going to socials and posing for the cameras - sometimes we even do a bit of training! It’s ideal if you want to work on self defence, compete right from the start of your training (we have a competition in November) or just get and keep fit.

Bath University Jitsu Club has

had an eventful and successful year and we hope to continue that this term, while recruiting many new students to join and help build upon those successes.

With the whole of the Jitsu Foundation getting together for an event over the summer, regular training, last year’s competitions and now Freshers’ Week - complete with demonstrat ions, leaf let distribution and “Oh, God, I can’t remember how to do Jitsu any

more” moments of panic - we’ve certainly been keeping busy.

Over the holidays, the club a t t e n d e d t h e a n n u a l J i t s u Foundation Summer Ball, training for several hours during the day and attending a black tie ball in the evening. After working together all afternoon, the atmosphere in the room and particularly on the dance floor was fantastic - one of the best things about Jitsu is how well senior and junior grades mix, and this was certainly in evidence.

The club is privileged to have one of the most senior members of The Jitsu Foundation as one of its two instructors. Tony Finding, who has taught the club for a year, passed his third dan black belt grading this summer, after an onerous three hours of intense Jitsu, although as he put it, “The grading was twenty years in the making”. This makes him one of only twenty five third dans in the whole of the UK.

Not only wil l we hopefully be welcoming up to a hundred freshers this year, but we also have a new instructor, Chris Danson. Chris, who usually trains at the Bristol Town Club, recently passed his brown belt and is going to instruct, train and put the novices through their paces this year under the watchful eye of Tony, who will also be concentrating more on the graded students.

Katie RockerChief Sub-Editor / Ninja

Throws, blows and dojos: why you should join Jitsu.

1, 2, 3, FLOOR: Jitsukas spin each other for a cheap, effective clothes wash.

Jitsu, based on the traditional Japanese martial art Jiu Jitsu, applies the principal of using an aggressor’s energy to their own disadvantage. The style comprises a system of throws, joint locks, holds, restraints and weapon defences; because of the nature of the movements, almost anyone of any size can take part, and it is ideal for self defence. Although it may look painful, Jitsuka (people who practise Jitsu) are taught from the

very beginning how to fall without hurting themselves. In your first session, you will probably learn basic rolling and falling, as well as self defence 101.

The Bath University Jitsu Club trains Wednesdays 8-10pm and Fridays 5.30-8pm in the STV Dojo. If you want to take part, please wear loose clothing (no jeans). You’re more than welcome to just watch, though it’s not nearly as much fun.

Katie Rocker, impact grammar baron and jitsuka, talks about one of the most fun martial arts around.

HAVING A BALL: The Jitsu Club at Jitsu Foundation Summer Ball.


Sport

Inter-Departmental FootballMoLES Michael Balling [email protected]

Arch. & Civ Eng. A. Alamaaren [email protected]

Biology Jonny Russell [email protected]

Comp. Science Ross Sheperd [email protected]

Management Sam Walter [email protected]

Physics Andy Seaman [email protected]

Natural Sciences Matt Cooke [email protected]

Team Maths Jon Hilsden [email protected]

Elec. Eng. Owen Gebler [email protected]

BUMS Leigh Culling [email protected]

Chemistry TBA

Chem. Eng Joe Welsh [email protected]

Education Pete Scull [email protected]

Mech. Eng. Till Beckford [email protected]

Pharmacy Ed Matthews [email protected]

Economics Tom Wilkinson [email protected]

Sports Science Jon Gleave [email protected]

Group A

Economics

Maths (BUMS)

Mechanical Eng.

Languages and European Studies (MoLES)

Management

Physics

Sports Science

Computer Sci.

Chemistry

Group B

Education

Team Maths

Architecture and Civil Eng.

Pharmacy

Chemical Eng.

Electrical Eng.

Biology

Natural Sciences

Your definitive guide to the groups, the games and who to contact if you want to play...BOTH GROUPS contain two former winners each as the battle for the IDFC trophy begins on Wednesday.

Last year’s winners BUMS are in Group A along with MoLES, who won the trophy back in 2006. Group B sees last season’s runners-up and 2008 winners Education, along with 2007 champions Team Maths.

Economics scored the most points in last year’s group stages with nineteen, and will be looking to go further than their semi-final appearance last season.

Qualification from the group stages will be tough, and each team will certainly need to be at their best if they wish to progress.

If you wish to play, contact the relevant captain via the contact details on the left-hand side.

THE KICKBOXING club at the University of Bath promotes not only fitness, poise and self defence, but also provides a medium for creating new acquaintances. Due to the friendly atmosphere during the classes, one tends to have friends from all departments in the University. We aim not only to enhance relationships within the University, but also across the UK by taking part in various competitions throughout the academic year. These competitions are aimed to offer students the chance to display

Ahmed SuleimanKickboxing Club

what they have been taught against others of similar grades throughout the country.

One such competition that took place last year was the English Championship. It gave us an opportunity to meet and interact with others that not only took kickboxing as a leisure sport but also do it competitively. Of the seven of us that took part in the sparring competition against opponents from both kickboxing and Taekwondo, Jonathan Whittacker, one of our coaches, sparred and narrowly lost against the British No 3 in the semi finals, although he later received a gold medal for his complex and

extensive bamboo stick forms.Our only female representative,

Chairwoman Rachel Spry, won a gold medal along with James Richards (our Treasurer) in the welterweight division. Gareth Young, who has now graduated, competed and won a gold medal in the lightweight division. In the middleweight category, we had three participants and Daniel Parker (vice chairman), belonging to a higher grade, sparred and also won a gold medal. The other two were forced to fight in the same category in what showcased the club’s growth and the effort put in by instructors. Both Mathew Badenoch (Social Secretary) and Ahmed Suleiman (Men’s Captain) fought their way to the final where the latter won by a hair in a tightly contested match.

Although a tremendous amount of effort and valour was needed for each one of us to come out of the day with a medal, most of the credit goes to our teachers who were ever present, side by side with each one of us, offering their guidance and in-depth knowledge. At the end of the day, we were all elated to have taken part in such a reputable competion which proved not only to be a treasure trove of experience and knowledge, but also a medium through which we made new friends from all over the UK.

Bath’s kickboxing success at English Championships

FRIENDLY FIGHTERS: Bath’s team for last year’s English Championships.

Rugby WinFrom back page.

kick was from long range but he had the skill to nudge it over the bar, giving Bath a 9-8 lead.

Play then proceeded to be less fast paced, with neither team dominat ing , and both s ides making the same unforced errors that were seen in earlier play.

The air of expectation in the crowd was apparent but not satisfied by the war of attrition that prevailed on the field for the bulk of the second half.

Errors from the Bristol side eventual ly materia l ised into penalties, which lead to more points on the scoreboard for Bath.

Two penalties were kicked by Bath’s Paul Roberts and saw Bath

TOP OF THE PILE: Bath players after their hard fought win over Bristol.

A WEEK after the Bristol win, Bath Men’s Rugby 1sts cemented their place at the top of the Men’s Premier South A Division with another victory.

The team comprehensively beat Exeter Men’s 1sts 31-14, and now sit two points clear of their nearest rivals, University of Wales Institute, Cardiff (UWIC)

Coincidentally, UWIC provide the opposition in Bath’s next m a t c h , a h o m e t i e o n 4 t h November.

Though it promises to be a tough match, it certainly offers Bath the chance to firmly establish themselves as one of, if not the, major force in the division.

home and dry.

sportimpact

Bath boot Bristol where it hurtsSuperb kicking display sees off local rivals in tight contest

WITH BOTH the Bath and Bristol fans raring to go, the first match for University of Bath’s 1st XV got underway at the Recreation Ground, on a co ld and wet Wednesday evening.

T h e w e a t h e r h a d a h u g e

influence on the game, making it a difficult and slippery encounter for both sides.

B r i s t o l s t a r t e d s t r o n g , immediately putting pressure on Bath ’s defensive l ine and maintaining the majority of the possession. However they were unable to really capitalise on this as Bath were solid in defence, refusing to let them through. Bristol were however rewarded for their early pressure when no.12 James Bird kicked a tenth-minute penalty for three points.

With a quarter of the game gone, Bath were yet to really test the Bristol defence, but a strong drive from Bath’s No. 2 Ted Stagg got the crowd going and really put Bristol on their back foot. Bristol then gave away a penalty for not rolling away from the tackle, kicked successfully by Bath no.10 Tom Lukjaniec.

The wet conditions did not make it easy for either side to make any convincing breaks, and there was a lack of continuity with a number of fumbles coming

from both teams. Neither team showed dominance in the first half; however, Bath were stronger in the scrums, putting pressure on Bristol and forcing errors.

An offside man on the Bristol side gave away an easy penalty u n d e r n e a t h t h e p o s t s , a n d Lukjaniec did the honours to give Bath a half time lead.

The Bristol fans were eagerly waiting for more of a battle at the beginning of the second half, and they weren’t let down. Just a minute in, with Bath on the

MEN’S 1STS RUGBY

BATH UNIVERSITY 15

BRISTOL UNIVERSITY 8

PHYSICAL BATTLE: Bath with the put in at the scrum.

IDFC: The talking stops hereCoordinator Michael Balling tells you how to get involved in the battle for the IDFC trophy.

2008-09 CHAMPIONS: Jake Standing (foreground) captained the winning BUMS team last year.

THE INTER-DEPARTMENTAL Football Competition (IDFC) is due to kick-off the 2009-2010 season next Wednesday (21 October).

The opening games start at 2pm with the fixtures of Economics vs. Management, and Education vs. Chemical Engineering being played.

Each year the departments of the University of Bath compete to win this prestigious 11-a-side football tournament.

T h i s y e a r t h e s e v e n t e e n teams will be competing in two groups.

The top four from each group

Michael BallingIDFC Coordinator

will progress to the knockout stage, with the grand final to be held on Intramurals Day.

In last year’s grand f inal , BUMS (Maths) saw off defending champions Education to win the title.

The tournament is open to everyone, with the only criteria being membership of the Sports Association, available for purchase on BathStudent.com.

If you are interested in playing for your department, please contact your respective captain.

Names and contact details of the captains, as well as the draw for the two groups, are on page 31 of this issue.

back foot, Bristol scrum half Greg Nicholls took a quick penalty, beat a couple of defenders and offloaded to Harrison Edward, who snapped up a chance to score the first try of the game. Bird attempted a tough conversion from the left touchline but was unsuccessful.

Another offence from Bristol provided Bath with a penalty, taken by no.20 Paul Roberts who joined the field at half time. The

Continued on page 31

Fiona SimSA Sports Reporter

Page 30: Football

PAGE 31:

Page 31: Kickboxing

bath impact volume 11 issue 3

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