www.parentalstress.com

Welcome to the

BE the Change 4-part Webinar Series:

Webinar One - “Get inside your mind”Identify the thinking that causes

YOUR unique stress, depression or anxiety

My Intention for Webinar One

Help you to understand why stress has come into your life

Start becoming aware of the specific thinking that causes your stress

To help you to make sense of your emotions or irrational reactions

The relationship between what you think and how you feel

An EVENT occurs

We experience the

event with the

5 SENSES

Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell

The Brain then goes into its

EVALUATION process

What is it? Have I seen it before? Do I have a

reference/opinion for this? Is it pleasure or

pain? What should I do?

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

Excitement, anger, tense body,

clenched teeth, fear, general

emotion and feeling in the body

Response 2

REACTION

What do I do about this

situation to reinstate my

pleasure and avoid pain?

Whatever information has

been accessed by the brain

in that moment determines

the RESPONSE

All humans follow this process

The behaviour is just the end result. If we want to change the behaviour we have to change the evaluation process!!

• Emotions and behaviours are sign posts.

• They show us how we and others are perceiving life –pleasure or pain

• They can show you as a parent what information you need to teach your child about life.

Thinking = emotional response in the body

“Look at what I’m doing wrong.”

“This shouldn’t be happening...”

“Why can’t he just.....”

“I’m a failure”

“I hate my life!”

“I never get any time out”

Eg – fear, anger, tears, frustration, depression etc

Reflection exercise: Think of a past event…

EVALUATION process

What is it?

Have I seen it before?

Do I have a reference/opinion for this?

Is it pleasure or pain? What should I do?

This program focuses on understanding and changing your EVALUATION PROCESS

You will learn how to:

• Identify the specific thinking behind your stress• Change that thinking

Because when you change how you think, you will change how you feel and how you react to life’s events (your response)

What influencesmy evaluation process?

2. What is a belief?My thoughts, views and opinions about life.

1. How does the brain evaluate life?By accessing your beliefs about life

3. What physical form do beliefs hold in my brain?Your beliefs are physical, neural pathways in the brain that fire off habitually in your mind as you perceive life.

EVIDENCE/PROOF

• You experienced life with the 5 senses

• You learnt through repetition and consistency of the same information to adopt a perception of what was being sensed.

• This was learnt via:

- Observation- Self-Experience- Convinced by others

(that I trust)

Belief System (age 0-7 years old) Parents

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

4. Where do my beliefs come from?

Repetition of my environment and my parental and social conditioning formed physical neural connections in the brain that I still use to evaluate my life today.

5. How do my beliefs effect my life?

They govern every decision I make and action I take, therefore everything I do AND BECOMES EVERYTHING I BELIEVE “I AM”

The Brain then goes into its

EVALUATION process

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

Emotion , chemical release,

physical sensations in the body

Response 2

REACTION

What do I do?

Thinking = feeling Thinking = feeling

Experience (What do I do?)

Thinking = feeling

Reaction (What do I do?)

Experience (What do I do?)

Thinking

FeelingFeeling

Thinking

a memorised state of being.

Thinking Feeling

The cells in your body memorise this reaction over time and it becomes ‘normal’ to feel the

way you do.

Reaction: A Mood(Hrs / days)

Reaction: Temperament(weeks/ months)

Reaction = Personality trait(years)

This is who I AM

Example 2: The belief: I am not good enough.

Convinced by others Observation

You’re never gonnabe as good as your brother

Self-Experience

Enough EVIDENCE is obtained through the senses to support the belief:

“I’m not good enough” and this became a perceived truth about life.

You’re never gonnabe as good as your brother

Example - Belief: I’m not good enough. Achievements are what make you successful.

The Brain then goes into its

EVALUATION process

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

I feel bad, down, sad. I

might even cry

Response 2

REACTION

I am in a mood

You’re never gonnabe as good as your brother

Example - Belief: I’m not good enough. Achievements are what make you successful.

The Brain then goes into its

EVALUATION process

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

I feel bad, down, sad. I

might even cry

Response 2

REACTION

I am in a mood

The EVALUATION process

Where’s my evidence that

I’m not good enough. Oh

here it is, so I mustn’t be

good enough

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

I feel even worse about

myself

Response 2

REACTION

It’s now become my

temperment

Observation

EVALUATION process

It’s now become habit to see

myself as not good enough and

I find evidence everywhere

Response 1:

BODILY

SENSATION

I am constantly in a

state of sadness and

depression

Response 2

REACTION

It has now become part

of who I AM.

It is a personality trait.

Self-Experience

friendships

In my parenting

In summary

2. What is a belief?

My thoughts, views and opinions about life.

1. How does the brain evaluate life?

By accessing your beliefs about life

3. Where do my beliefs come from?Repetition of my environment and my parental and social conditioning formed physical neural connections in the brain that I still use to evaluate my life today.

4. How do my beliefs effect my life?They govern every decision I make and action I take, therefore everything I do AND BECOMES EVERYTHING I BELIEVE “I AM”

In effect, you mind and body are constantly living in the past!!

The specific thinking

behind your stress

Upgrading the beliefs behind stress, relies on the understanding of two models of thinking:

The Stressful thinking Model

The specific thinking that causes all stress.

The Reality Based Thinking Model

The specific thinking that alleviates stress (the upgrades)

The specific thinking that causes emotions

Belief System (age 0-7 years old)

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

My picture of a right life

WORTH

Parents

Right Life

Line of thinking that causes stress:

1. Right vs Wrong (life)

2. I am (my kids are) missing out

3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

• Happily Married• Two Kids• Financially

comfortable• Mum stays home

• Dad goes to work

The specific thinking that causes emotions

Belief System (age 0-7 years old)

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

My picture of a right life

WORTH

Parents

Right Life

Line of thinking that causes stress:

1. Right vs Wrong (life)

2. I am (my kids are) missing out

3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

• Be responsible

• Be Happy

• Be safe and secure

• The attractive one

• The achiever

• The organised one

• The good girl / boy

The first three Stressful thinking points

Stressful thinking Lens One: Right vs Wrong Life“Life is being on a correct path”

• Labour / Birth complications• Breastfeeding going wrong• Partner doesn’t parent the right way• I made wrong choices in life• How a house is supposed to be kept• Gender roles • The right/wrong way to parent• I’m supposed to be in a better financial

position• Our child’s behaviour is not right

• Life has gone off track• It’s not the way it’s ‘supposed to be’• It’s gone wrong• I’m doing it all wrong• It’s not what I expected/matching

my picture therefore it must be wrong• It’s not fun/enjoyable• I’m stuffing up my child’s life• They’re ruining my life

Right Path – no ups and downsEmotions associated with the Right vs Wrong Life lens:

Worry, low level frustration, anxiety, irritability, annoyance

• Looking at what I don’t or didn’t have in my life

• Focussing on a missed opportunity (that would’ve made my life right)

• A gap, a lack or void in my life

• Stuck on what I used to have

• A comparison of what I think I need MORE of

Emotions associated with the Missing out lens:

Sadness, fear, loneliness, grief, disappointment, sorrow, rejection

Stressful thinking lens two: I am missing out“I have missed out on what my life needed”

• The right labour• A clean house• My social life• My partner acknowledging my hard

work• Who I used to be• Bonding with my child• Being financially more comfortable• Feel like my life is lacking in love,

money, friendships, passion or life.• Seeing my kids more often• More support from my partner

Stressful Thinking Lens Three: I/they should have or could have acted differently

“I /someone else is to blame”

• Anger• Blame• Judgements on yours or others’ actions• Regret• Guilt• Should’ve made better decision• Should be doing it better• I should know• I shouldn’t have done that• If only I had’ve....• Someone else should have known

better

• I should have done it better• My child shouldn’t have been

naughty• I should know how to be a good

parent• I knew I shouldn’t have done that,

but I still did it. • I should be earning more• I should be showing more love,

earning more money etc• He/she should be doing more

The core belief that underlies all stress:

“Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)”

Stressful Thinking Lens Four: Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

Feelings of:

• Overwhelm or drowning• Inadequacy• Helplessness• Hopelessness• Uselessness• Being a Bad parent• Not feeling good enough• Need more of an ability to do something• A rating of how bad I am or life is

Common perceptions of self-worth in parenthood:

• I’ve failed my child because I couldn’t breastfeed

• My child’s not happy because of me.• I’m an idiot.• My life is so meaningless• I feel so useless and stupid at parenting• Nothing I ever do is good enough• Parenting is all my life ever is• I’m never going to be any good at this

In Summary I have come to believe that there is an identity that I have to live up to and I’m not. This makes me feel as if

my value has decreased.

Reflection:Where do your self-worth beliefs come from?

• How did your parents treat / respond to you?• What were your perceptions of your parents?• Did you ever feel like you were missing out or not approved of?• Did you ever feel like you were not good enough or needed to live up to

something more than what you did? Why?• Do you have an inaccurate assumption that life has to ‘play out’ a certain way

before it can be valuable/deem you valuable?

Identities we operate through

Discover your small selfyour inner child

The two results of consistent stressful thinking

Minor Stress

Psychological Stress

Perception of life: “My life is/has NOT gone right”

What I feel: Frustrated, confused, lost, helpless, overwhelmed

Link to self-worth: Life is worth less than it would be if it was going right

PS

Line of thinking that causes minor stress:

1. Right vs Wrong event/s

2. I am (my kids are) missing out

3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

Consistently viewing life through these

lenses produces the following result:

PS Psychological Stress

Depression AnxietyAPerception of life:

“What’s the point? I have failed”

Emotions I feel: Sad, hopeless, useless,

self-loathing, isolated, couldn’t be bothered, like giving up, no

motivation, teary

Link to self-worth:Believing you have failed at life.

Life is completely worthless

Perception of life: “I must control and prevent”

Emotions I feel: Out of control, Unable to relax, panicky, fearful, irritable, angry,

irrational

Link to self-worth:Believing if you don’t control life

to go right you or life will be worth-less

D

The Perception of life that causes emotions

Belief System (age 0-7 years old)

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

My picture of a right life

WORTH

Parents

Right Life

“What’s the point! I have failed”

No goals to avoid pain

“I must CONTROL & PREVENT”

Lots of goals

Line of thinking that causes minor stress:

1. Right vs Wrong (life)2. I am (my kids are) missing out3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

• Be responsible

• Be Happy

• Be safe and secure

• The attractive one

• The achiever

• The organised one

• The good girl / boy

Chemical imbalances explained…

= FEAR“Spiders can hurt”

A Chemical reaction occurred in the body as a result of how you thought about the spider

PS Psychological Stress

Depression AnxietyAPerception of life:

“What’s the point? I have failed”

Emotions I feel: Sad, hopeless, useless,

self-loathing, isolated, couldn’t be bothered, like giving up, no

motivation, teary

Link to self-worth:Believing you have failed at life.

Life is completely worthless

Perception of life: “I must control and prevent”

Emotions I feel: Out of control, Unable to relax, panicky, fearful, irritable, angry,

irrational

Link to self-worth:Believing if you don’t control life

to go right you or life will be worth-less

D

Determining what’s in your ‘right picture’ box

What was learnt from your perceptions of your childhood environment

How your parents reacted to you/treated you Your naive perception of events The role you played within the family Your family’s reaction to your behaviour How I observed and learnt from my own parent’s

behaviours/insecurities/concerns

Examples of conditioning:

Work/money defines success Appearances defines worth Independence – can’t ask for help Being able to achieve defines my worth I need approval in order to be worthy

How to change your thinking

The first two steps to Changing how you think“Recognise the specific thinking behind your stress and change it”

1. Recognise your feelings first – Emotions are indicators of your beliefs!

2. Awareness is 50% of ChangingStart becoming aware of the pattern of thinking that causes your stress, depression and anxiety by:

• Journal writing

• Recognising the four stressful thinking lenses

• Recognise the mechanics of the brain and the thinking/feeling loop behind your emotions

• Detaching from this thinking by acknowledging that this is your habitual conditioning, not real truth.

• Name this identity and all it’s beliefs as your child self to help you to disassociate from it as being you

Step Three – Learning & Applying“Learning and applying new information about life’s events”

Learning how to view life from a different set of beliefs.

Learning how to upgrade your thinking (the reality based thinking model)

Step Four – Repetition“Retraining your brain and growing new neural connections.”

Applying the Reality Based thinking Model to life’s events and creating a new ‘story’ about life over and over again, creating new neural pathways in the brain over time.

The new thinking becomes the super highway and the old stressful thinking becomes the goat track.

The Four Stages of learning

Stage 4 Unconsciously competent

Applying the information is habit and I do it with very little conscious thought.

Eg – I’ve applied the method so many times I now have a new habit.

Stage 1Unconsciously incompetentI have not learnt the information

to be able to do something or change

Eg – I don’t know that I need to change –I’m consumed by my stress

Stage 2 Consciously incompetent

I have realised I have something to learn.I am learning it theoretically but I’m not yet able to do it.

Eg – I’m learning a method to change put am not yet applying it.

Stage 3 Consciously competent

Now I can apply the information, but I have to deliberately think about it as I do it.

Eg – I’m beginning to apply the method but I still need practice.

Homework

Homework.....

Part A – Journal Writing with a difference

1. Pick an event that has caused you stress throughout the day and write a paragraph on it (what happened, how you feel about it, your opinions etc). Don’t spend more than 15 minutes on this step.

2. Identify the emotion connected with this event. Where did you feel this emotion in the body?

3. Identify the four stressful thinking lenses within your story in step one.- Right vs Wrong Life, Missing Out, Could/Should and my life’s value has decreased

4. Was there a past memory triggered by this event (either at the time or now that you’ve just written about it)?

5. What have you now learned from this experience? What insights have you gained from

this exercise?

Note of warning.......

• Don’t get sucked into your ‘story’

• Rolling around in your story further reinforces your beliefs/ strengthens the brain’s connections.

Homework.....

Part B – What’s in your picture box

Fill in the questionnaire you will receive for homework so you can start to gauge an understanding of your specific belief system, how it was set up and what’s in your ‘picture of a right life’ box.