before you marry

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TYNDALE HOUSE PUBLISHERS INC. Wheaton, IllinoisCOVERDALE HOUSE PUBLISHERS LTD. London, England


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Other Books by J. Allan Petersen:THE MARRIAGE AFFAIR

The Family Counselor, offering priceless success secrets concerningevery phase of marriage and the family.

FOR MEN ONLYThe dynamics of being a man and succeeding at it. Covers broadsubjects such as marriage, work, money, love, etc.

FOR WOMEN ONLY w/r/z Evelyn PetersenThe fine art of being a woman. Deals with every area of a woman'slife, such as marriage, career, health, self, etc.

TWO BECOME ONE with Elven and Joyce SmithBible studies on marriage and the family for married couples. Canbe used individually or for Sunday school classes or home Biblestudy groups.

RE-ACTA marriage revival kit in booklet form. Searches out problemareas and points the way to new action. To be used personally oras a tool to help others.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 74-77568.ISBN 8423-0104-6. Copyright 1974 by Family Concern, Inc.,of United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of thisbook may be reproduced in any form without written permissionof Family Concern, Inc. First printing, April 1974. Printed inthe United States of America.


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contentsPREFACE 4

HOW TO GET THE MOST FROM THIS STUDY 5lesson 1 BEGINNINGS FOR MARRIAGE 7

lesson 2 WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE? 12lesson 3 PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE 20

lesson 4 ACCEPTING YOURSELF AND OTHERS 30lesson 5 COMMUNICATIONS 39lesson 6 CONSIDERATION 47lesson 7 MALE AND FEMALE-COMPLEMENTARY BEINGS 52

lesson 8 PRINCIPLES OF PARTNERSHIP 59lesson 9 PATTERN FOR PARENTHOOD 66

lesson 10 TRAINING-THE DEVELOPMENT OFTHE CHILD 73lesson 11 ATMOSPHERE OF THE HOME 79lesson 12 MONEY-FRIEND OR FOE? 84

lesson 13 OTHER PRIORITY RELATIONSHIPS 90


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prefaceNo sane person would ever leap blindfolded over an unknown

cliff with nothing but a hope that it would prove to be a gooddecision. No wise person would commit himself to life in astrange land without knowing something about what to expectand the difficulties he would inevitably face. No one foolishlycommits himself to play a game without knowledge of the rulesthat determine its success or failure.Yet millions of young men and women take these same un-believable risks when it comes to marriage. They feel theirmarriage will somehow be happier than most marriages theyhave observed. But they have no valid reason to expect it.Obviously, their relationship will certainly be better than theirparents', though all they know is what their parents have toldthem. They are sure that marriage is a box full of goodiesreceived with the license and ceremony, and that it always re-mains full regardless of what is put in or taken out.

It is no surprise then that the highest incidence of divorce isfound in the below-25 age group three times that of the over-all rate. Wives under 20 are involved in almost half of alldivorces recorded yearly.

Clearly, more premarital counsel is needed. The Bible offerspractical help in preparation for marriage success. Where canyou better learn of the problems and possibilities of marriagethan from God, the first Matchmaker? Each chapter of this studyis a biblical look at some phase of marriage preparation ... alitde advice before you marry.


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thow to get the most from this studyFor the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge

and understanding ' (Proverbs 2:6 RSV).This series of studies has been designed to enable you to

search the Scriptures and come up with answers to questionsconcerning many areas related to dating, marriage, and thefamily. They should help you to acquire knowledge and under-standing concerning these all-important subjects.The first three chapters pertain primarily to preparation formarriage, while the following chapters deal more directly withmarriage itself. The book is intended for use by the following:

1. An individual, who will find it helpful in developingsound attitudes toward the problems and potentials ofdating relationships, as well as the married life.

2. An cni^aged couple, preparing for marriage, who can sharetheir findings as they work through a lesson together. Itmay be preferable, however, because of time pressures,for them to do a lesson individually, then set aside a timeto share their answers, reactions, and applications gainedfrom that particular lesson.

3. A small group, each one preparing a lesson beforehand,and then meeting to discuss it. Maximum benefit fromBefore You Marry is derived from the interaction thatoccurs in these small groups where people can learn fromone another as they share their thinking and research.

4. A Sunday school class of single adults of college age andabove who can complete the lessons in one 13-week Sun-day school quarter by filling in the material weekly ashomework. The Sunday school class could be either ledby the regular teacher or divided into smaller interactiongroups with a leader assigned to guide each one.

Each person should have his own copy of Before You Marry.


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You need only a Bible and pen to begin Occasionally a dictio-nary will be needed. Each question will direct you to a passageof Scripture. After reading the passage, write the answer inyour own words. References are given in this way: Ephesians5:21. This means the book of Ephesians. chapter 5, verse 21.Be sure to pray for understanding as you do each lesson.Set aside a regular time to work on your study, allowing onehour or so to complete the lesson. Some lessons are longerthan others. It may work best for you to take a few questionseach day instead of trying to finish the lesson all at one time.There are three questions to keep in mind as you do each study.

What does it say? What does it mean? What am I to doabout it?Unless you apply the Scriptures to your life, there is little value

to be gained from knowing what it saysbut when you obeyGod's Word you will see growth in your life. Questions havebeen placed in each lesson to help you make an application ofthat study to your life. It is important to do these and occasion-ally to check previous applications to see how you are progress-ing in making needed changes.A Word to Leaders

Each lesson is carefully worked out so that a leader caneasily guide a group discussion. The leader should have thosein his group discuss the facts learned in each section of the les-son, share what they understand it to mean, and relate whatpersonal application can then be drawn.He should encourage interaction by making sure that every-one has an opportunity to share, rather than allowing one personto monopolize the conversation. Require and expect that eachperson complete the lesson before the discussion time. Remem-ber that the Bible is the source book for this study and unlessan opinion question is asked, the answer the Bible gives is theone expected. Insight may be gained from reading other books(recommended reading is The Marriage Affair by J. AllanPetersen, since it covers each of the topics in the lessons); butkeep God's Word as the basis for expecting God's help.


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LESSON 1beginnings for marriage

I now declare you to be man and wife.When this pronouncement is made, the marriage cere-

mony ends and the marriage lije begins.Unfortunately marriage is too often entered into lightly.

The results of an irresponsible union are disastrous.Hosea 4:6 records this word from God: ''My people are

destroyed for lack of knowledge. There are various aspectswhich can be explored in thinking through for yourself thewhole subject of marriage. A search into these will also helpyou determine whether or not you should marry; but regardlessof the decision, you will know what God has to say about thisimportant area of life.

MOTIVATION1. People have a variety of reasons for wanting to get married.

Some reasons may be more important to one sex than tothe other in order of priority.A. List below what you think some of these motives are.B. Then note whether you feel each one you listed is of

greater importance to one sex or is of the same priorityto both fellows and gals.

C. Rate these reasons as either good or poor ones fordesiring to eet married.

Reason Male Female Both Good Poor(1)

(2)

(3)

(4)


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(5)(6)

(7)(8)

2. If you contemplate marriage in the future, which of theabove reasons are especially important to you?

Most fellows and gals will someday get married. The Scrip-tures indicate that this is generally God's plan for his people.However, it is also apparent that marriage is not God's plan foreveryone.

3. 1 Corinthians 7 deals realistically with some of the advan-tages and disadvantages of married life. It is intended tohelp answer the question of whether a Christian shouldmarry or remain single.

What conclusions do you draw from the following verses?A. 1 Corinthians 7:7

R 1 Corinthians 7- Q

r 1 Corinthians 7-98

D 1 Corinthians 7-'^9-^S


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4. What does 1 Corinthians 9:5 indicate was the marital statusof some of the New Testament leaders?A. Apostles

B. The Lord's brothersC. Peter (Cephas)

5. What is the attitude towards marriage expressed in Hebrews13:4?

THE SCRIPTURESThe Scriptures contain clear teaching about marriage andfamily life. There are no pat answers, no simple formulas; butwhen one follows the instructions and principles given by God(who ordained marriage in the first place), then it is possibleto prepare for the kind of relationships which give personal ful-fillment and provide a solid, happy, and well-functioning familyunit.

See what insight you can gain from the following passagesconcerning the beginning of marriage.

1. Read Genesis 2: 18-25. Give particular thought to verses 18,23 and 24 and then answer the following:A. Who said it was not sood that man should be alone?

B. Loneliness is the first thing which God named notgood. What did he do about it?


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C. What do you understand the word helper (or helpmeet, King James translation) to mean?

D. The Revised Standard Version of the Bible translatesverse 23 this way: This at last is bone of my bonesand flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, be-cause she was taken out of Man.How would you describe Adam's response to the LordGod bringing Eve to him? Check the words you think

are most correctadd a couple of your own.(1) Nonchalant (2) Wow (3) Grateful(4) Disappointed (5) Mine (6) Yawn(7) : (8)(9).

E. The following statements relate to verse 24. Mark thesetrue or false.

(1) Under God, a man is to assume independentresponsibility for his wife.

(2) God designed marriage to be a permanentunion.

(3) Each partner in the marriage is complete inherself/ himself.

2. The book of Proverbs contains a collection of wise sayingsabout the whole of life.A. What does Proverbs 18:22 say about the choice of a wife?

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B. What further insight can be gained from Proverbs 19:14?

EVALUATIONOn a scale of 1 for good, 2 for fair, and 3 for poor, evaluatethe following to use in considering marriage.

A. Counsel of those who know you, particularly yourparents

B. PrayerC. My life purposeD. Family pressure or desiresE. Timing

(1) Age (2) .Schooling (3) Finances(4) My maturity (5) Maturity of potentialmate (6) Christian training (7) Home situa-tion and responsibilities

F. Honest recognition of my desiresAPPLICATIONAccording to God, marriage is for life That's serious businessbecause more than just two people are involved. Your lifetouches many people. No wonder then that the Bible stressesthe importance of making right decisions.Decide to do God's will regarding marriage.

Decide if you should marry. More important than the rightto get married is the right to follow God's will. He has your bestin mind.

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Decide whom you should marrythe right one in God's plan.While Adam slept in the will of God, he brought him a partner.Pray for your prospective partner now.

Decide when you should marry. Be sure you know God'swill on timing. There should not be a sense of hurry or rush.If it is real, it will keep Trust God for this.1. If you anticipate marrying some day, what area of your life

do you think you need to work on to be prepared for mar-riage?

2. How do you plan to do this?

3. Have someone help you on this. Whom do you plan to ask?Check when done.

LESSON 2what is this thing called love?

What is the mystique called love ? That thing the worldneeds now ? What has caused man to fight duels, to abdicatethrones, to conquer worlds, and to do a thousand other things?

Many people do not have an adequate understanding of themeaning of the word, love. Too often love is thought ofprimarily as an attraction between sexes. Love should be thedominant thought in all human relationships for the Christianwho wants to pattern his life after the Lord Jesus Christ.

Another problem many people have is knowing how to dem-onstrate love in daily relationships.

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LOVE DEFINEDSomeone has said that love is not definable, just livablebuttry.1. What do you think? Write your own definition of love.

2. What does your dictionary say? (If possible, get a contrastbetween old and new dictionaries.)

3. Explain what you think is the difference between love andinfatuation.

Our English word love is used to convey many differentideas. We speak of loving ice cream, dogs, God, and peo-ple. As we hear the word in context, we ascribe propermeaning to it. The Greek language with its four words forlove opens the possibility of a closer categorization.

These words and their definitions are listed below:A. Stergo: A love that is inherent in one's own nature. It

is an instinctive, natural affection or protectiveness, suchas animal protectiveness for its offspring. There is asense of responsibility for the welfare and well-being ofanother because of obligation in the natural, not moral,sense. This kind of love is the binding factor by whichany natural or social unit is held together.

From the examples of stergo love given below, canyou recall a specific instance which occurred in your

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family? (Perhaps you can think of one not listed.) Givea brief statement about one of them.(1) Mother's care for sick family members.(2) Father's providing for family.(3) Children in a family defending one another to others

outside family.(4) Mother's reluctance to have her children become

independent of her and leave home.

(5)

B. Eros: This is primarily based in the physical, triggeredby emotion, and can easily be a self-centered love, loveturned inward, wanting something in return for what itgives. It can be passion seeking self-gratification, withthe tendency to exploit and take advantage of someonefor personal ends.

There is a physical, sexual basis to human love whichwhen surrendered to Jesus Christ to be controlled by himcontributes a deep, rich meaning to life.

In marriage, sex can act as reinforcing steel does toconcrete to help build a strong, solid marriage relation-ship.

Without a committal to God, sex can be like awedge to drive people apart, and build deep seated re-sentments, frustrations and bitterness in a person's life.(1) Too often fellows and girls do not exercise respon-

sibility in their dating behavior and arouse sexualimpulses rather than controlling them. What aresome ways to prevent sexually arousing situations?

Example a. Rule out prolonged periods of parking.Example b. Avoid wearing sexually stimulating clothing.14


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Phileo: A love which is the response of the human spiritto what appeals to it as enjoyable. It is based upon aninner communion and a mutual attraction between theperson loving and the person loved. Both have things incommon with each othera similarity of outlook on life.The one loving finds a reflection of his own nature inthe person loved. Phileo is a love of liking and fond-ness a going out of the heart in delight to that whichaffords pleasure. The Greeks made much of friendshipand this word was used by them to designate mutual af-fection, as we feel toward a person who is fun to bewith. Phileo quality of love is important in marriagesimply because we need to like someone and what theyare and do, or living with them in an enduring relation-ship would be untenable.

Give a few examples of how phileo fits in your homeand in marriages which you have observed.

D. Agape: A love called out of one's heart by an awakenedsense of value in the object loved that causes one toprize it. This love does not seek anything in return, noteven acceptance of itself, but rather is first concerned forthe other. It is a self-sacrificing love and in its absoluteform denotes God's lovenot human love. Agape isthe rich word used predominandy in the New Testamentto describe the love of God toward men (John 3:16),and that love which Christians are to have for eachother, as illustrated by the love a man has for his wife(Ephesians 5:25). In the Christian sense, it is a spon-taneous, uncaused, self-giving love. The crucifixion of

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Christ is regarded as the supreme manifestation of God'slove in that Christ died for helpless, sinful, unworthyman (Romans 5:5-8).

While eros love is often motivated by what can Iget? , agape love is motivated by what can I give?'' andfinds it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Have you seen evidences of agape love in any ofyour relationships this past week? Explain.

Obviously we cannot split love into four independent segmentsfor these are not necessarily exclusive of each other, but thereis an interplay of all in most experiences of love.

LOVE ILLUSTRATEDHaving faced the difticulties of defining what love is, we recog-nize that love is more than a thing or an emotion. Love is acreative force which is revealed in action.

This lesson should challenge your thinking as to how youcan better express love and fulfill your responsibilities as onewho loves.The Bible defines love by an action.1. What did God's love prompt him to do as recorded in John

3:16?

2. How was God's love shown to us according to Romans 5:8?

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1 Corinthians 13 has been called the love (agape) chap-ter of the New Testament. Verses 4-7 list nine ingredients ofwhat someone has called the spectrum of love/' Considereach one and then give an example of personal failure orvictory in your life recently.A. Love suffers longpatience.

B. Is kindkindness.

C. Envies notgenerosity

D. Does not vaunt itself, is not puffed uphumility.

E. Does not behave itself unseemlycourtesy.

F. Seeks not her ownunselfishness.

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G. Is not easily provokedgood tempered.

H. Thinks no evilguilelessness.

I. Rejoices not in iniquity but in truthsincerity.

APPLICATIONIt's easy to agree with all the platitudes and think to yourself,Yes, that's a good deal, all right But how about you? Thinkback through the things in the section Love Illustrated.Which one do you need to work on most?

What is one practical day-by-day way you can do this?What form of check-up are you planning to insure you do

it?

SUMMARYThere are eternal lessons for everyone in how to be a moreloving person.

Love is more than the sum of its components. It is notstatic but dynamic and as such must grow and mature or it willdiminish through neglect. Generally speaking people do not fallin love but grow into love 'in a word, as God's dear children,try to be like him, and live in love as Christ loved you, andi^ave himself up on your behalf as an offering and sacrificewhose fragrance is pleasing to God (Ephesians 5:1, 2 NewEnglish Bible).

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LESSON 3preparing for marriage

The greatest decisions a person makes in life concern what hewill do with Jesus Christ, his choice of a life partner, his voca-tion, and his degree of commitment to each of these.

As one considers the area of social relationships, it is re-assuring to know that God can and wants to lead youincasual acquaintances and friendships, in closer relationships(typified in our era by dating), into and through courtship andengagement, to a marriage which he wants to bless. God willbless as you make him the center of your life and marriage.FRIENDSHIPSAs an adolescent moves toward adulthood, he tends to relyincreasingly upon his peers, seeking to find mutual understand-ing and support from them; and he relies less and less uponhis parents and family for his emotional needs and for help inhis decision making. This is within God's plan for a young per-son to move toward adult independence and responsibility, aslong as he doesn't become unduly independent of, nor outfrom under the God-given authority of, his parents in his grow-ing years.

As a person grows and interacts with others, particularlywith his peers, he develops social confidence and rounds outhis personality.

Even in marriage, spouses need friendships outside theirown relationship for a healthy marriage.

As members of the body of Christ, Christians need to havea concern for one another. 1 Corinthians 12 and Romans 12talk about this.

One could assume, therefore, that it is important to maintainfriendships at every stage of life.

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1. According to Luke 2:52, Jesus Christ increased in wisdom(mentally), stature (physically), and in favor with God(spiritually), and ( ).

2. Who were three of Jesus' friends in Bethany? See John 11:1-5.

. , and3. What does Proverbs 17:17 say is the mark of a true friend'

4. The richness of the friendship between David and Jonathanis recorded in 1 Samuel 18:1-4. What are the marks of thisfriendship?

Do you have or have you had a friend of the same sexthat you feel was this kind of friend?

5. According to Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10, what are two benefits ofbavins a close friend?A.B.

The detriment in being a loner in life is . . . (Put answerin your own words.)

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Enjoying casual friendships with the opposite sex is a naturalapproach to further acquaintance, which could lead to datingand perhaps to one specific person. But remember God hasgiven you many brothers and sisters in Christ with whom youcan fellowship.

DATINGIn our society dating is generally the beginning of the processthat leads up to mate selection and marriage. Thus it is wiseto think through motives and standards for dating and arriveat principles that will guide you as a Christian.Why Date?1. Select from the list below what you think to be good pur-poses for dating. Check the ones you choose.

A. Getting to know people of varied types, gifts andbackgrounds.

B. Gaining sex experience through experimentation.C. Developing quality relationships with opposite sex.D. Discovering what your needs are for a mate.E. Acquiring as many ego-building romantic relation-

ships as possible.F. Influencing the other person (and vice versa) in

such a way that both of you will mature in Christ.

As a young person develops friendships with both sexes, heshould learn better to accept who he is and what his own sex-uality is . . .

While learning to appreciate and somewhat understand thedifference in mascuhne and feminine points of view . . .

And become sensitive to the needs and desires of the op-posite sex, within the framework of God's guidelines.22


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I At this point, it is well to consider the need to grow in un-derstanding of the opposite sex. In personality characteris-tics, both sexes generally arc alike; but there are some char-acteristics that tend to be more toward either the masculineor feminine. When a man and woman marry, they mustunite two lives and utilize these differences to have a fullysuccessful marriage with both mates finding fulfillment.

In the following listing, place a check mark by the onesyou have observed, realizing that these would be generalities.

The ManA. Objective in thinking

sees the whole picture.B. Tends to be more con-

servative and deliberatein his decision-making.

C. Prefers general ideas.D. Tends to communicate

to express facts and in-formation.

E. Focuses on vocation.F. Sexual love is a segment

in life.G. ___ Love is not necessarily

associated with sex.

The WomanA. Thinks in subjective

way in the immedi-ate.

B. Relies more on insightsand emotionstends to-ward impulsive actions.

C. Interested in details.D. _ Tends to communicateto express feelings.

E. Focuses on relationshipswith husband and fam-ily.

F. Sexual love is a part ofthe whole of life.G. Sex is associated withlove.

3. Assuming the above to be true, how would each partnercomplete the other in each of the areas given above? Stateeither your opinion of how you think this would work, orgive an example from your observations of people.

A.

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B.

C.

D.

F.

G.

Whom to DateIt has been said that one ought not seriously date a person hewould not marry.1. Read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. What is the strong command

given in verse 14?

2. What reason does Deuteronomy 7:3, 4 give for God stricdyforbidding marriage between believers and unbelievers?

3. When a person becomes a Christian, he receives a new na-ture, one that wants to please God. His old nature is to bedenied while the new nature should be fed and thus grow

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That you are brother and sisterThat you have more than a casual interest in oneanotherThat you are marriedThat you belong to Christ

4. Dating as Christians involves being an example to eachother in Christ-likeness.A. What principle from the life of Jesus is given in Mark

10:45?

B. State how you think this principle can be applied to yourdating responsibilities?

ENGAGEMENTOften dating leads to a deepening interest, that leads to a com-mittal of loverecognizing that God is leading the two of youto marriage, to share life together.

The time of waiting to be married, the time called the en-gagement period, should be a wonderful learning experiencefor the future couple. It's a time for each to learn more abouthimself and about his mate.1. An invaluable aid for an engaged couple as they prepare

for marriage is to study the marriages of their parents. Thekind of relationship they have had as husband and wifegreatly influence their children.

Your Parents:A. What are the personal characteristics of your mother?

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Your father?

B. What do you see to be areas of strength in their mar-riage?

Areas of failure?

C. Answer yes or no to the following questions:(1) Do your parents put each other first?(2) Is your father the leader in the marriage?

(3) Do they listen to each other?(4) Is their marriage growing?

(5) Do they compliment each other and saythank you ?

D. What negative traits have you picked up from your par-ents?

How do you plan to change these traits in yourself?

Your prospective partner's parents:A. If you are engaged, do you know the parents of your

fiancee? . 27


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B. Is your partner following or repudiating the family pat-tern?

2. Only God can meet a person's total needs ... in marriageor out of it This means that a couple ought to be con-tinually growing in their relationship to Christ.

Are you maturing as a Christian in the following areas?Answer yes or no.A. Putting priority on daily time alone with God.B. Talking freely to others about Christ.

C. Being sensitive to sin in your life and dealing withit.

D. . Increasing in obedience to the Word of God.3. Matthew 1:18-25 records the announcement to Joseph and

Mary about the coming birth of Jesus.A. What was their relationship?B. Even though they were committed to each other but were

not married, how did they behave themselves sexually?

C. Did Joseph treat her with respect or disdainor rejection ?

D. How did Joseph indicate his desire to obey God?

4. Jacob and Rachel's engagement story is told in Genesis 2918-21.

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A. How would you describe Jacob's love for Rachel?

B. Even though it was a long engagement (to put it mildly )what was Jacob's reaction?

C. What was their sexual relationship during this time? Seeverse 21.

APPLICATIONWhat will God have you to do as a result of what you havelearned in this lesson?1. Write down things you feel are especially important as you

look for God's leading in selection of a mate.

2. List the things you want to establish in your relationshipwith the opposite sex to make sure you are pleasing God . . .A. In friendships

B. In dating29


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C. In engagement

LESSON 4accepting yourself and others

To a great degree your interpersonal relationships are moldedby how you think and feel, first about yourself and then aboutthe person to whom you are relating.

Marriage offers a wonderful opportunity for two people togive love, approval, and understanding to one another.

No other personal relationship calls for the depth of inti-macy and commitment that marriage does. A husband andwife can encourage each other's sense of worth, uniqueness,and strength. How sad, then, that so many couples live togetherfor years without true understanding and so fail in the basiconeness intended by God for the marital life.SELF-ACCEPTANCEA person with any degree of honesty knows he has done wrongthings, needs forgiveness, and has much room for improvementin his life. However, it is also true that unless you have ahealthy self-love you cannot adequately love others30


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1. The Bible clearly states that a man has a relationship tohimself as well as to God and others.

Read how Jesus expressed this in Mark 12:28-34, thenanswer the following.A. What should one's attitude be towards himself? Verse

31B. The normal human tendency seems to be to put self first

and let God and others fit into life as is convenient.Another popular view is that one should love God first,others next, and self last. But Jesus gives the proper se-quence in verses 30, 31. What is it?First

SecondThird

C. Why do you think this is a necessary order?

The mental picture you carry of yourself greatly affects yourattitudes, emotions, and responses towards God, family, friends,job, and many other significant areas of your life.2. What does 2 Corinthians 10:12 indicate is an unwise stan-

dard for measuring your self-worth?

3. 1 Samuel 16:7 reveals why the knowledge other peoplehave of you is often based on incomplete information.A. What is the reason given?

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B. In contrast, what further insight does God have aboutyou?

4. There are other factors besides one's appearance that mightbe used to incorrectly place value upon someone's worth.Identify them as you look up these Scriptures.A. Matthew 13:53-56

B. John 1:45, 46

C. Jeremiah 9:23, 24

5. Another reason for a feeling of unworthiness can be foundin Luke 15:21. What attitude is expressed in this verse andwhy?

6. What kind of self-image did you have in your early teens?Using the scale 1 as good, 2 as fair, and 3 as poor, howwould you have rated yourself in each area?A. I felt about my parentage.B. I felt about my appearance.C. I felt about my abilities.D. I felt about my environment.E. I felt about my relationship to God.

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Self-esteem is not based on the great things you've accom-plished, the mark you've made, the things you own. Nor is itcanceled by your faults, failures, and sins. These acts revealwhat you are but do not indicate who you are and your divineorigin. Self-love and self-approval are not the same. The truebasis for a healthy self-love is to understand and accept thevalue God places on you7. What do the Scriptures say about your worth before God?

A. John 3:16B. 1 Peter 5:7 .C. Jeremiah 31:3

D. John 15:9

Man is unique God simply spoke and the whole universecame into being through his creative word. He did not speakman into existence, but with special care he personally formedhim and endowed him with many of his own divine character-istics.

God did not create any superior or inferior people. Thereare only different people. Abilities and capacities differ; eachhas unique strengths which enable him to make his special con-tribution to God's plan.

To refuse to accept yourself as God made you is unconsciousrebellion and is accusing him of making a mistake. Any kindof rebellion must be honestly faced and confessed.8. Genesis 1:27 states that God created man in his9. What marred this image? See Romans 5:12 for your an-

swer.10. Read Colossians 1:15-22. From verses 20-22 tell in a few

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34

words how God restored man to fellowship with himself.

11. Even the most gross acts of sin can be cleansed and for-given by Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 records somespecific sins which had been a part of the Corinthian be-lievers' background before they became Christians. Whatwere these?

12. God desires that those who come to him should be con-formed to the image of (be like) his Son. You can accepta self that is in the process of being made like Jesus Whatdo each of the references below say about this?

A. 2 Corinthians 3:18

B. Colossians 3:10

C. 2 Peter 1:4

D. 1 John 3:2, 3


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love for him will be weakened. It is God's will that peoplelove one another. The remedy to overcome lack of love isgiven in Philippians 4:8. What does this verse say yourthoughts should dwell on?

3. According to Romans 14:10-13 when someone becomes aChristian, he is responsible to God. What does this versecaution you against doing to another Christian?

4. How can you best be of help to other Christians as seenin the following verses?

A. 1 Peter 4:8

B. James 5:16(1)

(2)

APPLICATIONAs you consider your attitude toward yourself, do you feel youhave a healthy view of who you are? What will you beable to ofifer in marriage? Maturity? Responsibility?

You have been thinking through much Scripture in this les-son. All these verses are important and can make a significant36


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difference in your life now, and will help you to accept yourmate when you marry.

Which one (ones) impressed you most?How can you begin to apply this to your life?

The Christian concept of marriage is based on the pre-requisite that both partners in the marriage are Christians. Onlythe presence of Jesus Christ in a life can make carrying out histeachings possible.

At this stage in the study, you may be asking, How doesone become a Christian? or How can I know for sure that Iam a Christian? Good questions

Here is a brief explanation and illustration to help answerthese questions for you.

God made us with both a God-consciousness and the capa-bility to live in a right relationship with God. Although thereare a lot of good people, no one is perfect. The Bible describesthis simply in Romans 3:23All have sinned and come shortof the glory of God. Since sin separates (whether it be inrelationship to God or to people) we live in a state of spiritualdeath. Romans 6:23 says, For the wages of sin is death. Be-cause God loves us and desires us to live in right relationshipand fellowship with himself, he made a provision for that sin.1 Peter 3:18: Christ also hath once suffered for sins, the justfor the unjust, that he might bring us to God. Romans 5:8puts it this way, God shows his love for us in that while wewere yet sinners, Christ died for us (RSV).

The following illustration shows this clearly and depicts 1Timothy 2:5 as stated in The Living BibleGod is on oneside and all the people on the other side; and Christ Jesus . . .is between them to bring them together.

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MAN imperfect,sinful, destined forspiritual death(eternal separationfrom God)Man's efforts fall

shortEphesians 2:8, 9For by grace areye saved throughfaith; and that notof yourselves: it isthe gift of God:not of works, lestany man shouldboast.

JESUS the wayacross

John 3:16 'TorGod so loved theworld, that he gavehis only begottenSon, that whosoeverbelieveth in himshould not perish,but have everlastinglife.

GOD holy, pure,perfect, with a per-fect place preparedfor usalong withan abundant lifewhile we are hereon earth.John 10:10b Iam come that theymight have life, andthat they mighthave it more abun-dantly.

1 -> 2 ^ 3 -> 4The numbers above depict groups of people.Group one includes everyone All have sinned.Group two indicates a progressionthe recognition that

there probably is a God. but not doing anything about it.Group three and jour are described by one verse, John 1

12But as many as received him, to them God gives the rightto become his children, even to those who believe on hisname.

Group three is those who believe. That is. they acknowl-edge their sin, their need of a Savior, and the fact that Jesus isGod in the flesh, who died for them. Many people are in thisgroup but they have never taken the step into group jourthosewho believe and receive Christ as Savior. Receiving is an act ofthe will whereby one invites Jesus Christ into his life as Saviorand Lord. How is this done? Revelation 3:20 states, Behold,38


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The heart of marital oneness is the communication system:thus the abiUty to communicate well is a fundamental skill es-sential to the growth of the marriage relationship.

Although strong marriages tend to have the same problemareas as weak ones, those marriages which succeed apparentlydo so because the mates are communicating clearly.

WAYS TO COMMUNICATEPeople communicate in a variety of ways. Words are onemeans by which a person can express himself. Action lan-guage is another. Silence can convey a wealth of informationListening is an indispensable condition for meaningful commu-nication.1. Following the examples given, list other ways you commu-

nicate verbally and nonverbally with others.

Verbally Non-VerballyExample A. Soft Voice A. With Eyes

R Rr rD nR. F

2. How do you think the five senses are involved in what iscommunicated between marriage partners?A. Sight

B. Hearing40


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C. Touch

D. Smell

E. Taste

WHY COMMUNICATE?Communicate: 'To give or interchange thoughts, feelings, in-formation, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc. RandomHouse Dictionary of the English Language

You cannot not communicate Relating to others takesplace by communication.1. There are a number of levels of communication. Some of

these are listed below. After each one, describe a specificinstance which occurred with your family or friends lastweek.A. Casual conversation with friends

B. Sharing of information

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C. Self-disclosuresharing of feelings, attitudes, emotionswith another person

D. Goal planning (short or long-term)

E. Expressions of disagreement, argument

F. Giving support and encouragement to someone

G. Listening to another person

2. The importance of a married couple keeping the lines ofcommunication open seems obvious.

Conversation meets varied needs of the partners. Brieflycomment on the statements given below.A. Talk establishes communication between partners.

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B. Women generally have a greater need for communica-tion than their husbands. (It's a wise man who under-stands and fulfills this need )

Usually the more time a husband and wife spend talkingtogether, the more satisfying their marital relationshipwill be.

Marriage is intended to be an intimate relationship built uponmutual understanding between husband and wife. For this com-munion of heart to occur, conversation must go beyond thelevel of home and children to include a sharing of thoughts andfeelings in the experiences of daily living. Do you know manymarriage partners who you believe probably communicate onall of the above levels? Yes No How do you thinkyou would do? Good Fair PoorTHE ART OF VERBAL COMMUNICATIONConsider the immense power of the spoken word for good orbad It is easy to see why the Bible speaks so often concerningthe importance of proper use of the tongue.Understanding and applying these passages can improveyour ability to verbally communicate with others.1. Examine Ephesians 4:15. From the listing below check the

answers you feel are correct.43


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A. ___ It doesn't make much difference what you say aslong as it is said lovingly.

B. How you say something is important.C. White lies have a place in communication in

interpersonal relationships.D. What and how you speak has a direct affect on

maturing in Christ.2. Ephesians 4:29 gives four principles concerning communi-

cation. Can you agree with the two given and list the othertwo?A. Don't speak wrongly to or of another person.

Yes ( ) No r )B. What you say should help, not hinder, others.

Yes ( ) No ( )

D.

3. What do the following passages say about constructive com-munication?

Example A. Isaiah 50:4 Be an encourager

B. Ephesians 4:26, 27C. Ephesians 4:32 __D. Psalm 141:3E. Proverbs 12:25 _F. Proverbs 15:1, 4G. Proverbs 15:28 _H. Proverbs 21:23 _

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BARRIERS TO COMMUNICATION1. To develop better dialogue with others, learn what inter-

rupts effective communication.Read the Scripture verses and comment briefly on what

to avoid in communication.A. Proverbs 11:12B. Proverbs 11:13C. Proverbs 12:16D. Proverbs 12:18E. Proverbs 12:22F. Proverbs 18:2

G. Proverbs 18:13H. Proverbs 21:19I. Proverbs 29:20

Take a big step in improving your communication by vowingnever to make anyone the object of remarks which cut, belittle,or ridicule

This resolve should continue when you marry, to spare yourpartner the devastating effects such remarks produce.2. Anger is real

A. Circle the following statements about anger True orFalse.(1) T F All human beings have the emotion of

anger.(2) T F Christians are never supposed to get an-

gry.(3) T F Silence can be an escape from settling an-

gry feelings.

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(4) T F Aggressive feelings should be recognizedand resolved.

B. What does James 1:19, 20 say about anger?

You may disagree with others but agree to disagree agreeably ITHE TONGUEJames 3:1-12 talks about the control of the tongue. Look atthis passage and then answer the following questions.1. To what does God compare the tongue in verses 3-6?

2. How is the tongue described in verses 7 and 8?

3. What is the implication in verses 9-12? Check appropriateanswers.A. To praise God and condemn man reveals inconsis-

tency.B. Nature exhibits many contradictions.C. God's help is needed to control the tongue.

APPLICATION1. In order to strengthen your communication ability, try this

experiment: Mentally switch roles with a family member orclose friend, and try to express his/her feelings on the con-dition of your present communication relationship.

2. Now go to that person and let him/her tell his/her own de-sires for improving communication.

3. As you review this lesson determine to improve one area ofcommunication immediately.

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How do you propose to improve this area?

LESSON 6consideration

In marriage, the relationship between mates is marital or mar-tial, depending on where you put the I.

The husband and wife who consistently place the happinessand well-being of the other partner ahead of personal desireswill find their marriage relationship considerably enriched.Love seeks not her own 1 Corinthians 13:5. This versereveals the heart of the biblical principle of consideration and,when put into daily practice, is one of the best investments onecan make in marriage.

Nowhere is considerationor the lack of itmore obviousthan in marriage and family living.

CONSIDERATIONWHAT IS IT?1. What is your definition of consideration?

2. How do others define it? Get an opinion from someone else.(Also write down what others share during the study discus-sion time.)

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3. Name some of the ways you feel maturity in marriage andconsideration go together.

4. List some of the evidences of consideration which you feelhave contributed to the success of marriages which you haveobserved.

BASIC SCRIPTURES1. Ephesians 4:2: Be humble and gentle. Be patient with

each other, making allowance for each other's faults becauseof your love {The Living Bible).A. From the list below, check the actions you feel would

apply to being humble and gentle.(1) To admit error in deed or attitude when

wrong.(2) To wait for the other person to make amends

first.(3) To look for ways to help others.(4) To expect what is due one's self.(5) To consider timing before making requests.

B. What do you think is implied in making allowance foreach other's faults ?

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The following are all important; however, as you con-sider the challenge to be patient with each other,which is most difficult for you to do?( 1 ) To accede to the request of another with no adverse

comment.(2) To take time to think before responding.(3) Not to insist on having your own way.(4) Not to get upset when things don't go as you had

planned.AnswerWhy?

Philippians 2:3, 4Let nothing be done through strife orvainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem otherbetter than themselves. Look not every man on his ownthings, but every man also on the things of others {KingJames Version).A. This verse says to count others better than ourselves.

Does this mean you have no rights? What does itsay to you?

B. When you marry, how will you work out verse 4, Notlooking out for your own things or interests, but also theinterests and things of your spouse?

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C. How do you think 'iet nothing be done through strife orvainglory applies to marriage partners?

Memorize and/or write out on a card Ephesians 4:2 or Philip-pians 2:3, 4 and put it on your desk, mirror in the bathroom,or above the kitchen sinka place where you can think aboutwhat it means and work on putting it into practice now.

SIMPLE GUIDELINES1. The Bible is full of wise counsel about being considerate.After each of the following verses, indicate the principle (s)

of consideration you see in them.A. Colossians 3:19B. 1 Corinthians 13:4

C. 1 Peter 3:7D. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5E. Galatians 5:26F. Romans 12:10

2. The observance of good manners and common courtesiesdo not belong just to dating or courtship days, but areequally important in marriage. How would you appraiseyourself presently in the areas listed below?

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A. Personal appearance. (What you see affects love )(1) Grooming(2) Dress(3) Weight discipline(4) Hair

B. Courtesy. (If you want to be treated like a king, treat herlike a queen and vice versa.)

C. Etiquette

D. Thoughtful about giving expressions of love and appre-ciation to family and friends

APPLICATIONThere may be several areas that have come to mind during thisstudy in which you recognize that you are not being adequatelyconsiderate of others.

Which do you feel needs working on most?Work out some way to check up on this, so that a week fromnow you can see how you are doing. You may ask someone

to check up on you, jot it down on a calendar, or write your-self a note, but do something to make sure you will not let itslip by.

SUMMARYThoughtful consideration for one another is an essential in-gredient which each partner must put into the making of ahappy marriage.

Success in this area is not automatic, but has to be con-tinually worked for so as to become a natural response. Hus-

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bands and wives have the responsibility to give proof of theirhigh regard for each other by giving careful attention to the de-tails of courtesy. If this is not done, the tendency will be togrow careless and offend those with whom life is lived mostintimately.

It is a true axiom that says, You are going to be what youare now becoming. If you are practicing consideration of oth-ers now (especially your family members) it will be natural totreat your mate the same way when you marry.

LESSON 7male and female

complementary beingsHe who made them from the beginning made them male andfemale (Matthew 19:4).

The two shall become one (Ephesians 5:31).God chose to create two sexes. He purposed that men and

women should complement and complete each other (not com-pete with one another).

Neither sex is independent of the other; rather, they are in-terdependent according to 1 Corinthians 11:11, 12. Never-theless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor manof woman; for as woman was made from man, so man isnow born of woman. And all things are from God. Each sexhas equal dignity and is of unique worth to God. He has givenhusbands and wives maleness and femaleness so that theycan complete each other. Husbands and wives need to workout a system of roles and job assignments that will best suitthem as individuals and their own marriage relationship. Theseresponsibilities have to be re-evaluated and adjusted from timeto time as circumstances and needs change.52


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BASIC ROLESA few roles in life are determined by one's sex. Genesis, thebook of beginnings, records the origin of man and gives manyof these primary roles.From each of the following Scriptures list the role given andcheck the gender to whom it applies. The first one is answeredfor you.

Role Male Female1. Genesis 1:27 Male-Female

2. Genesis 1:283. Genesis 2:154. Genesis 2:18,225. Genesis 2:24 .6. Genesis 4:1

SCRIPTURAL INTERPRETATION OF ROLESWestern culture implies that marriage is a unity created byromantic love and common interests. The Scriptures reveal thatmarriage is a unity created by God. A man and a woman,each with distinct personality, background, and experiences,commit themselves to each other in marriage and become onein God's eyes. The common interests, background, education,and other things may have attracted them to each other; but itis the committal to their unity before God and man that willcause them to want to blend the two into one.

In a Christian marriage, the partners look to God to learnhow to best combine their differences and form a new identity.Since the Bible was given in part to instruct man in daily living,it contains a vast amount of truth about marriage and how tosuccessfully maintain this all-important relationship.

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1. Read Ephesians 5:21-33 carefully and answer the followingquestions about the passage.

A. According to verse 21, what attitude honors Christ?

B. By observing and following the example given in theseverses, a husband and wife can know how they are torelate to each other. What does verse 25 say concerningthe responsibility of a husband to his wife?

C. You can better understand how husbands are to lovetheir wives as you see how Christ loved the church.From the passage, list the characteristics of Christ's lovefor the church. Then compile a list showing the hus-band's responsibihty in loving his wife using the samepassage.

Christ, Head of the Church Husband, Head of the Wife

D. What do verses 22-24 say to wives'

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E. Reaa the statements below and check those which youbeheve to be accurate.(1) The husband has been appointed head of his

wife and family, and by following her husband'sleadership, a wife is being obedient to Christ.

(2) A husband must possess strong leadershipqualities and abilities or his wife is not expected toconsider him head of their family.

(3) The relationship between Christ and hisbride, the church, illustrates the relationship whichshould exist between husband and wife.

(4) A wife may retain the right to choose the areasin which she will be subject to her husband's lead-ership.

F. Using personal pronouns, put verse 33 in your ownwords.

2. Look at 1 Peter 3:1-7A. What result can be expected when a wife lives in rightrelationship to her husband? (verses 1 and 2)

B. Do you agree with the following statements relating toverses 3-6? Check those you feel are correct.( 1 ) A wife is not to be concerned with how she

looks.(2) A wife's inner beauty is more important to

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(3) It was the inner qualities of a gentle and quietspirit that prompted Sarah to follow Abra-ham's leadership.

C. Read the admonition to husbands in verse 7. What doesthis verse say about:(1) How a husband is to live with his wife?

(2) Why a husband should know and understand hiswife?

(3) What husband and wife share equally?

(4) What interferes with a husband's prayer life'

CHAIN OF COMMAND1. Clearly spelled out in 1 Corinthians 11:3 is God's order of

chain of command in life. When each one fulfills his func-tion properly, there will be harmony in daily living as Godintends. What is the order eiven?

2. Ephesians 6:1 gives the relationship of the children in the

chain of command. To whom are they responsible?

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3. Humbling oneself is an act of the will. Note in Philippians2:5-11 how Jesus Christ wilHngly put himself under God'sauthority in order to secure maifs redemption.

A. What was Christ's position originally? (verse 6)

B. What did he choose to do? (verses 7 and 8)

C. How did God honor his obedience? (verses 9-11)

4. According to 1 Peter 5:6 what will be the result of choosingto humble vourself?

5. Proverbs 31:28-31 records the praise given to a wife by herfamilv. Give a short summarv of their remarks.

6. In Genesis 18:17-19 God makes some remarks about Abra-ham. What was to be the outcome of this man's faithful-

7. Will it be difficult for you to humble yourself and take yourproper place in God's chain of command?

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TASK ASSIGNMENTSSome tasks must be assigned in each marriage so that the dailylife can run smoothly. These need not be thought of as beingfeminine or masculine, but rather should be done by thepartner best equipped to do the job. The responsibilities maybe exchanged from time to time as circumstances change.1. According to Titus 2:5 who will generally be responsible for

keeping the home?

To whom does 1 Timothy 5 : 8 give the responsibility for see-ing that the family is provided for?

3. List some specific task assignments in your family and theperson who is responsible for them, i.e. finances, dishes,purchases. Some may be shared assignments. (If you arenot presently living with your parents, perhaps you can aska couple you are acquainted with to tell you how they han-dle these areas.)

Task Person

4. What could cause these tasks to be changed in the future?

APPLICATION1. As you think through what you have learned about God's

plan for roles in marriage, what do you see as your major58


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need in preparation for your marriage?

2. What does/ did the chain of command look like in your fam-ily as you grew up?Like this? or this? or this?Wife Children God-ChristHusband Husband-Wife HusbandChildren Christ-God WifeChrist-God ChildrenCheck the one which was most like yours.

3. Which order do you want in your own marriage?SUMMARYToday traditional roles in marriage are being challenged. Somerightly so It is necessary to understand and apply scripturalprinciples when you marry so you will not be confused by theprevailing ideas of society which may change tomorrow

'The Lord commanded us to do all these statutes, to fearthe Lord our God, jor our good always . . . (Deuteronomy6:24).

LESSON 8principles of partnership

And the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are nolonger two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined to-gether, let no man separate (Mark 10:8, 9).

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ners must guard against that which could come between them.Whenever anything, or anyone, poses a threat to oneness,

no matter how good it may seem, it is contrary to God's bestfor the marriage and must be evaluated and placed in itsproper perspective in the husband and wife relationship.In this lesson you will discover the importance of partner-ship at every stage of the life cycle of marriage.

FORMING THE PARTNERSHIPIn order to establish the beginnings of partnership, it is helpfulto consider the courtship and engagement stage which are firststeps toward establishing a relationship of growing oneness.1. To the following list, add other things you feel should be

a part of the engagement period.A. Learning to understand and relate to each other.B. Exploring attitudes and values toward life.C. Planning details of the wedding.D.E.

F.

G.H.

2. The Scriptures give guidelines for the kind of relationship acouple considering marriage should have. What guidelinesdo you see in these passages?A. 2 Corinthians 6:14, 15

B. Amos 3:3

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C. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

3. Genesis 29:16-20 records Jacob's love for Rachel. Writedown the evidences of love you observe in these verses.

4. What do you think is a primary area of partnership thatshould be worked on during your courtship and engagementperiod?

PARTNERSHIP BEFORE PARENTHOODMarriage begins with two people and 20-25 years later, afterchild-rearing days are over, that is how it will be againjustthe two of them The early months and years of marriage arevitally important as these two establish a new family systemdistinct from their background families. The arrival of childrenwill add a new dimension to this relationship but when theylater leave for homes of their own, the couple should be ableto continue in unabated partnership.1. Listed below are some of the major developmental tasks a

couple faces in early years of marriage. Explain why youfeel these adjustments are necessary for the growth of amarriage.A. Adjusting to the realities of marriage (which can be dis-

illusioning after the euphoria of courtship and engage-ment )

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B. Adjusting to the emotional separation from parents andfamily while taking on a new role of husband or wife.

C. Adjusting to faults and weaknesses in marriage partnerwhich may have been overlooked or ignored duringcourtship when mate was overidealized.

D. Adjusting to knowledge that building a healthy marriagerequires time and effort.

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2. A family is the basic unit of society. Why do you feel thisis true?

3. The relationship that exists between Christ and the churchis given in Ephesians 5:21-33 to show husbands and wiveshow to happily relate to one another. Many principles thatwill develop a gratifying partnership can be drawn fromthese verses. Complete the list given below:A. Verse 21B. Verses 22-24 A husband is to give loving leadership and

protection to his wife.

C. Verse 25D. Verses 26, 27 A husband should desire to help his wifedevelop her full potential as a loved person.

E. Verses 28-30

F. Verse 31 A husband and wife should be more to eachother than to anyone else in the world.

G. Verse 33

4. In your early marriage stage what do you think might beone of your adjustment needs?

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PARTNERSHIP AND THE FAMILYMarriage is permanent Child-rearing is only temporary. Aperson is not going to do much good in rearing children if hedoesn't have the right relationship with his partner.1. What are some ways a husband and wife can maintain their

priority of commitment to each other when children comealong?A.B.

2. Why should parents present a united front to their chil-dren?A.B.C.

3. What are some dangers for parents who overinvest in theirchildren and underinvest in their marriage?

4. How would this afifect the children?

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5. What is your impression of your parents' partnership auringyour growing-up years?

6. What lesson can you learn from their relationship?

PARTNERSHIP IN THE MIDDLE YEARS AND BEYOND1. There are more divorces after 20 years of marriage than any

other time except during the first three years. What do youthink contributes to the failure of partnership at this stage?

B.

2. According to Song of Solomon 8:7 how enduring shouldlove be?

3. How can couples help each other prepare for the child-leaving stage?A. Husband can help wife by . . .

B. Wife can help husband by . . .

4. What are some of the opportunities for enjoyment duringthe empty nest years?A. Proverbs 17:6

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B. Ecclesiastes 9:9C. Philippians 3:13. 14As you examine your parents' relationship to one another,what area of partnership do you see that needs strengthen-ing for them to meet the needs of middle-years crisis?

SUMMARYPartnership is more important than parenthood. How one treatsand loves his marriage partner is going to determine what hewill do with his family.

LESSON 9pattern for parenthood

It has been said that two are never more one than when theybecome three

This unusual math equation has an element of truth in it,as most marriage partners discover when their first baby is born.

Although child-raising will impose new responsibilities andpressures on your marriage, the Bible provides clear instruc-tions to help you do the job.

Remember that a husband and wife who have a mutuallysatisfying and growing relationship themselves already possessone important requirement for successful parenthood.

POINTS TO PONDERDo you think the following statements are true or false? Circleyour answer, then give a brief reason for your choice:

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1. T F One dare not sacrifice his (her) marriage partner forhis (her) children.

2. T F The most potent influence on a child's future marriageis his observation of his parents' marriage.

3. T F Because of his many responsibilities, a husband shoulddelegate most of the training of their children to his wife.

4. T F The Word of Godthus saith the Lord, should bethe authoritative base upon which decisions regarding familyliving are made.

5. T F Children should be allowed to decide for themselves ifthey want religious training.

BIRTH CONTROL IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGESBirth control is not a basic moral issue. The Bible gives noclear or definite word for or against it. When the Scripturesdo not speak clearly and positively on a specific subject, it must

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requires determination, preparation, planning, prayerandhard work

Here are some basic guidelines:1. Review the chain of command which God has established

for the family as given in 1 Corinthians 11:3 and Ephesians6:1.

2. List what you feel is involved in fulfilling Deuteronomy 6:6, 7

3. Since the home is the primary source of Christian educa-tion and training, how would you put Proverbs 22:6 intopractice?

4. It has been said that parents too often major on minorswhen it comes to training children.A. List several character traits that you feel are necessary

to develop in a child's personality.

Example ( 1 ) Obedience ( 5(2) (6)(3) (7)(4)

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B. What are some areas of lesser importance that you feelcan be overemphasized by parents?

Overlv concerned with clothes children wearxample (1)(2)(3)(4)

DEVELOPING CHARACTERThe basis of Christian character is the life of Christ living inthe Christian.

The goal in the mind of a parent should be to lead his childto a personal encounter with and faith in the Son of God.

This commitment to Jesus Christ will enable a child to de-velop goodness of character.

From birth to **re-birth in Christ your child's characterfoundation is built by the relationships and examples he ob-serves in his home.

If you as a parent know God's teaching on character develop-ment, you can lead your child in the way of truth.1. What does God want in his people?

Match references with characteristics listed below:A. Obedience to GodB. Obedience to parentsC. TruthfulnessD. Faith in GodE. Purity (holiness)

F. Integrity

G. Honesty

K a. 1 John 4:7b. Philippians 2:3, 4c. Matthew 22:37d. Acts 20:35e. Ephesians 4:25f. 1 Thessalonians 4:3. 72. 2 Corinthians 8:21

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H. Love for God h. Hebrews 11:6I. Love for others i. Proverbs 12:22

J. Humility j. Colossians 3:20K. Generosity k. John 14:15

2. What should you do when you have a question concerningsituations and choices not cxpHcitly dealt with in the Bible?You can receive guidance by applying the following scrip-tural principles. Indicate what these are:

A. 1 Corinthians 6:12

B. 1 Corinthians 8:13

C. 1 Corinthians 10:31

D. Acts 24:16

Family worship offers an ideal setting for further develop-ment of character. The scriptural admonition to parents isto represent God to their children and to present their chil-dren to God.

As a family gathers together to worship in his presence,there is no one set pattern that should be followed. Remem-ber, 'ihe shorter the child, the shorter the devotionsA. From the following list of possible activities for family

worship, check those which your family tried as youwere growing up.

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(1) Bible reading (5) Praying(2) Singing (6) Reading of Christian(3) Dramatization of books and biographies

Bible stories (7) Records or tapes(4) Scripture memoriza-

tion(8) Others

B. Do you think you will do anything differently as yourear your children? If so, what?

APPLICATIONAre you concerned about how you will be able to build theright kind of character traits into your children? Ephesians6:4 instructs fathers to bring children up in the discipline andinstruction of the Lord.

Obviously these godly characteristics must be a part of yourown life before you can develop them in your children some day.

As a result of what you have learned in this lesson, do yourecognize a specific area of your character that needs strength-ening?

What is it? What can you do about it?

What will you do about it?

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3. In writing to the church at Philippi (Philippians 4:9), whatdid the Apostle Paul say would be the result of followinghis example?

4. What are some of the things Timothy observed about Paul'slife as recorded in 2 Timothy 3:10, 11?

5. According to 2 Timothy 1:5, who served as examples toTimothy when he was a child?

6. What was one means of instruction for Timothy? (2 Timo-thy 3:15)

7. Paul reminded Timothy (in 1 Timothy 4:12) that he had aresponsibility to set an example for others to follow. Listbelow the areas of example given in this passage. Note be-side each a specific way parents can be an example to theirchildren in that area.

8. Who has been the person (persons) you have most lookedto as an example to follow?

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3. Luke 2:52 records of Jesus Christ that he grew mentally,physically, spiritually and socially. Each of the followingverses relates to one of these four areas. Give the keythought of the passage and name the heading, or headings,under which it fits. The first one is answered for you.

Passage Key Thought HeadingLittle children

A. Matthew 19:13, 14 can know Jesus SpirituallyB. Proverbs 1:5C. Proverbs 23: 12 .D. 2 Peter 3: 18 ^^ .E. Judges 13:24F. 1 Samuel 2:26

TRAINBY LOVE AND DISCIPLINELove and discipline are the foundation of training a child. Loveis essential from infancy through growing years. It would bedifficult for a child to become a happy, emotionally secureperson without generous amounts of love Without disciplineyou will not be able to teach your child to be a respectful,competent, and responsible adult. There will be no greater proofof your love than correctly applied admonition and/ or disci-pline and it reveals your willingness to risk personal rejection(at least for a time) for the welfare of your child.1. Read 1 Samuel 3:12, 13. Why was EU held accountable for

the wrongdoing of his sons?

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2. Note the subject of discipline in Hebrews 12:5-11then puta check after the following statements which you feel to beaccurate.A. The Lord never chastens anyone.B. The chastening of the Lord is directly related to his

love.C. Disciplining is for the good of the one disciplined.D. Discipline is pleasurable for all concerned.E. The purpose of administering discipline is to produce a

right quality of living.3. Proverbs 3:11, 12 gives similar insight concerning discipline.

What should discipline reveal about the parent's relation-ship to his child?

4. What principle of discipline is given in Ecclesiastes 8:11

5. Ephesians 6:4 gives guidelines for parents seeking to moldthe character of their children.A. What does this verse say a father is to do?

B. What is a father to avoid doing'

C. List three things a father could do which would pro-voke his children to anger. (You might get some ideasfrom your own childhood )(1)(2)(3)

6. The proverbs of Solomon were written that men may knowwisdom and instruction and understand words of insight

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(Proverbs 1:2). What do you think each of the followingpassages is saying about discipline?A. Proverbs 13:24

R Proverbs 19: 18

r Proverbs 20. 11

D Proverbs 29 IS

E Proverbs 29 17

7. As you read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 11, think about yourrelationship with children that may be close to you.A. Do you think you exhibit the kind of love to them that

this passage describes? Yes NoB. Do your expectations of the children you know fit their

ages? Yes NoC. Do children seem to enjoy their relationship with you?

Yes NoA child should understand that his parents are themselves un-der God's authority and are accountable to him. Parents makemistakes and children know it If parents err in disciplininghim in anger, wrong judgment or application, they should con-fess their fault to the child and ask for his forgiveness. He willlearn to do this too . . . both with them and with GodAfter doing this lesson you can better understand the im-portance of your parents' applying God's principles of trainingas they raised you. You will profit from your own experience(good or bad) when your own children come along.78


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LESSON 11atmosphere of the home

There is a difiference between a house and a homeA house is a building in which people live. A home is aplace dear to one because of personal relationships, feelings ofcomfort and security, or warmth and fellowship: not only aplace of personal attachment, but a refuge from the demandsof life.A happy home does not depend upon material comforts for

satisfaction as much as it does upon the atmosphere that iscreated by the family itself.THE FAMILY AS A UNITA family is the total of what its members are individually, plustheir interrelationships one with another. The family is thebasic unit of society.1. What fact concerning families do you see in this verse? So

Noah went forth, and his sons and his wife and his sons'wives with him. And every beast, every creeping thing,and every bird, everything that moves upon the earth, wentforth by families out of the ark (Genesis 8:18, 19 RSV).

2. The account of a census taken by Moses and Aaron is givenin Numbers 1:17-19. How was the congregation regis-tered?

HINDRANCES TO FAMILY UNITYMany forces in modern living combine to threaten the to-getherness of the family life. The home is no longer the cen-ter of recreation, education, worship, or production of goods.

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IE. Proverbs 25:24

F. Mark 3:25

5. Here are three other areas to be considered as you analyzeyour present home situation and look forward to the oneyou will have when you marry.A. It is important that your home be attractively kept and

a pleasant place to live.B. It is important that there be a balance between group

spirit and individuality so that each family member canmature as a unique person.

C. It is important that a family enjoy life together. Familyactivities and home life should include a lot of laughter,fun, and games

As you reflect on your childhood days, which ofthese elements were present in your family life? Howdid this affect you as a person?

THE HOME AND HOSPITALITYThe Scriptures place much emphasis upon the value of keep-ing an open house with a glad heart.

Consider each Scripture, then write down anything in thepassage related to hospitality.

1. Romans 12:13

2. Hebrews 13:2 -83


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3. 3 John 5-8

4. Matthew 25:34-45

5. Luke 5:27-32

SUMMARYA home must be more than a place to eat and sleep if it isto fulfill its intended mission The basic emotionsthe desireto be loved, to be secure, to be needed, and to belongarebest nurtured in the relationships of the family.

LESSON 12money-friend or fee?

There is no question about money being a necessary factor inmodern society. Money and choices about its use are a dailypart of single and married Hfe.

Money can mean many different things to people. Moneynot only has the power to buy the necessities of life but canalso symbolize a measure of success, power, social status, oremotional security. Christians who acknowledge the Lordshipof Christ over all of their lives, including money, must be care-ful to use money and not let it use themBASIC ATTITUDES TOWARD MONEYThe fundamental teaching of the Scriptures about money is that84


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of stewardship. A steward is one who manages another's prop-erty or financial affairs which have been entrusted to his care.Since God is the original supplier of all you possess, you areaccountable to him to manage your resources well.1. From what source does wealth come according to Deuter-onomy 8:17, 18 and 1 Chronicles 29:12?

2. How should you feel about all that God gives you? (Ec-clesiastes 5:19 and 1 Timothy 6:17)

3. Put Ecclesiastes 5:10 in your own words:

4. One of the strongest admonitions concerning money is foundin 1 Timothy 6:6-10. The statement, You can't take itwith you comes from this passage. What other truthsabout money do you observe here?A. -^B.

C.

D.

5. In Luke 12:13-21A. Why did Jesus caution against covetousness? (Verse 15)

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B. Why do you think God called the rich man a fool?

6. Hebrews 13:5 encourages valuing God's priorities ratherthan man's. What warning do you see in this verse?

7. What secret had Paul learned that enabled him to be con-tent regardless of his financial state? (Philippians 4:11-13)

The attitude of the heart toward God first and then towardpossessions is what is most important in God's sight. This willeliminate the ever-present danger of placing your trust in yourresources rather than in God.8. Do you feel you have acknowledged Christ as Lord of your

financial life? Explain your answer:

USING MONEY WISELYFamily management of money requires thoughtful effort toavoid problems. Here are some basic principles regarding earn-ing and spending money.1. How will most of the necessities for a family be provided?

(2 Thessalonians 3:7-12)

2. What practical example does Proverbs 6:6-8 give for con-sideration?

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3. Taxes are a very real part of life today. What do the fol-lowing verses teach about them?A. Romans 13:6, 7 .

R Matthew 17: ?4-?7

r Matthew 22: 1 5-7?

4. What should the character of a Christian steward reveal?(1 Corinthians 4:1, 2)

5. What does Proverbs 22:7 say is the relationship of a bor-rower to a lender?

6. What do these verses teach about the financial responsibilityfamily members have for one another?A. Matthew 15:1-6B. 2 Corinthians 12:14C 1 Timothy 5:8

7. A budget is an estimate of what a family's income and ex-penses will be and anyone who wants a realistic guide forplanning and spending will find it absolutely essential to pre-pare one. Do you have a workable plan for handling yourfinances?

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HOW TO GIVEJesus said. 'Tt is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts20:35). Every person needs to evaluate carefully how andwhere his financial support will he given.1. 2 Corinthians 8:5 records for Christians the first principle

of giN ing. What is it?

2. As you read 2 Corinthians 9:6-12, note some other principlesconcerning giving. Add to the list given below:A. Giving should be a matter of personal conviction.B. Giving should be a iov for the eiver.

D.E.

F.

3. Mark 12:41-44 tells of Jesus observing a widow contributingto the temple treasury.A. Why did he praise her?

B. How did others contribute'

4. What will be the result of giving with false motives? (Mat-thew 6:1-4)

5. To whom should you give?A. Deuteronomy 15:10-11


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B. Galatians 6:6; 1 Corinthians 9:11, 14C. 1 John 3:17, 1

6. Malachi 3:10 states an Old Testament view of giving withwhich 1 Corinthians 16:2 agrees.Check the following list as you note each statement in theseverses.A. Giving should be planned.B. Giving should be done at a regular time.C. . Giving should be proportional to income.D. Giving is rewarded by God.

7. What does Philippians 4:15-19 promise those who give tothe Lord's work?

8. Are you satisfied with the system you now have for channel-ing funds for giving?

SUMMARYIn a marriage whether one or both partners contribute to thefamily income, it is important to operate in a we relationship:our money, not my money Recognize that when possibleeach mate should have some money for personal needs anddesires. After discussion, agreement should be made regardingthe handling of finances, remembering that in this area, as inall others, God ultimately holds the husband responsible as headof the home.

Many conflicts about money can be avoided if marriagepartners are familiar with specific areas of financial responsi-bility and come to a mutual decision regarding them.

If you are now engaged, in addition to the motives andactions studied in this lesson, you and your fiancee may needto reach an understanding about the areas listed below:

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Put a check beside the ones you have already discussed:Setting a Christ-centered Hving standard, Credit

buying, Spending for recreation. Children's futureeducation, Insurance plans. Making a will.Savings and investments. Long-term financial planning

LESSON 13

other priority relationshipsMy purpose is to give life in all its fullness Jesus Christ(John 10:10 TLB).

For better or for worse, the quality of a marriage colors thetotal life of the partners.

The healthy closeness of a Christ-centered marriage shouldextend far beyond the four walls of the home to enrich thecommunityand the world.

The purpose of this series of lessons has been to focus onbasic priorities: God, one's mate, one's family. These relation-ships must be maintained in their proper perspective, with otherspheres of responsibility that are a part of life.

A brief look at three of these areas will be helpful as youcomplete this final lesson.YOUR JOB AND YOUR EMPLOYER1. What principles do 2 Thessalonians 3:10, 12 and Genesis

3:19 have in common?

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thorities, but how could it be applied to your responsibilityto an employer?

3. Ephesians 6:5-9 gives instructions to employees and em-ployers. Read the passage, and then circle the statementsbelow either true or false.

A. T F I am to do my work as unto the Lord.B. T F I am responsible to obey those for whom I work.C. T F My objective at work is to impress my employer.D. T F The attitude I maintain at work is not important.E. T F God is not particularly interested in the quality

job I do.F. T F As an employer, I am responsible to God for

the kind of boss I am to my employees.4. How can you best do your work as unto the Lord ? Draw

at least three conclusions from Titus 2:9, 10.A.B.

5. Why is it important to have a wholehearted attitude towardyour job? (1 Corinthians 10:31)

A word of caution concerning your job may be needful. A per-son who neglects his family, however successful he may be be-fore the world, is a failure with God. Some husbandsandsome wivesgive their family everything, everything but them-selves Determine now not to let this happen in your marriage.

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YOUR CHURCHThe Christian home does not stand alone but is part of a largerfamily. The church is God's family of families. Although par-ents hold and share the prime responsibility for the spiritualnurture of their children, they soon recognize that they needinput from other sources. The local church can give this en-couragement and in so doing undertakes the task of supple-menting parental instruction and training.1. A great many church members attend worship services only

for the sake of the children. There are other sound rea-sons given in Scripture for congregating with the family ofGod.

From the following Scriptures indicate these reasons.A. Acts 8:25B. Acts 20:28C. 1 Corinthians 11:23-26D. Ephesians 4:11-13E. Hebrews 10:24, 25

2. What definition does your dictionary give for worship asit relates to God?

3. List some of the activities you enter into in the performanceof worship at your church.

B.C.D.

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4. Acts 2:42 records the four most basic activities of the earlychurch as they met together. Using your own words, de-scribe what they did.

B.

D.

5. What should you expect from the leaders of your church?Fill in the blanks.Jeremiah 3:15 says that shepherds (spiritual leaders) areto feed those in their care with and

1 Peter 5:2-4 exhorts them to tend (guard, guide, care for)those in their charge, not but

In all that they do they are tobe to the flock.

6. What responsibility does God put on those in the church asHebrews 13:7, 17 records it?A. The general congregation:

B. The leaders:

Although the family and the local church should have a strongrelationship to one another, care should again be exercised lestinvolvement become so heavy there is little time for the familyitself to be together

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The question of how individual family members can meetthe demands for involvement in the community and still main-tain good communications with one another is not easily an-swered.

1. A biblical injunction regarding the use of your time is foundin Ephesians 5:15-17. Complete the list below relating tothis verse.A. I must be careful how I act.B. I must exercise wisdom in my life.C.

D.E.

2. James states that a man's life is short and uncertain (James4:14). In light of this knowledge, write Psalm 90:12 inyour own words as a prayer request to God.

Your life is continually undergoing change, making it necessaryto keep close watch on your progress in maintaining your prior-ity relationships.

The purpose of these lessons has been to provide a meansby which you can better understand the marriage relationshipfrom God's perspective.A perfect marriage does not exist. But if and when youmarry, as you and your mate apply God's Word to your lives,he will enable you to experience all that was intended whentwo become one.

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aIb(0)Mtbefore you marrybible studies for singlesadapted from t^vo become one

With one out of three marriages in America ending in the divorcecourt, the value of intelUgent marriage preparation is obvious.The Bib

before you marry

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