benjoseph community spec

8/6/2019 Benjoseph Community Spec

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COMMUNITY

"Lessons in Human Conquest"

Written by

Ben Joseph

Dan BodanskyDixon [email protected] 212-965-4666



COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMPUS

In an open green space, ANNIE throws a football to TROY.

TROYYou throw pretty good for a girl!

Annie feigns offense. Troy tosses the ball to ABED.

ABEDYou throw very poorly for a formerhigh school football star.

(off Troy’s reaction)Sorry, did I do it wrong again?

Nearby, SHIRLEY, JEFF and BRITTA eat lunch on a blanket.

JEFF(to Britta)

OK, my turn.

Jeff points to a TAN GIRL. She has her arm around a CHUBBYGUY but sneaks glances at his SURFER GUY friend.

JEFF (CONT’D)(re: the couple)

Dating Paul Blart Map Cop to getinto the clique, but is secretly inlove with Point Break.

BRITTA (condescending)

Aw, cute, you thought that wasinsightful.

Britta points to a CHIVALROUS GUY digging into his pockets ata food cart. A STERN GIRL looks on.

BRITTA (CONT’D)

Third date, hasn’t slept with heryet, scared he’s going to go brokebefore he gets past second base.

SHIRLEYThis game isn’t very nice.

(CONTINUED)



BRITTA It’s not a game, it’s a socialexperiment. Jeff thinks girls areeasier to read than boys.

JEFF

Please. When it comes to depth-(re: himself/”men”)

Finnegan’s Wake.(re: Britta/”women”)

Next Twilight novel.

Britta rolls her eyes, then spots a flustered young man -BRANT - talking to a cute BRUNETTE with two FRIENDS.

BRITTA Look. Pathetically obvious.

JEFF

(suddenly not into it)What do you mean?

BRITTA Clearly, he’s liked this girl for months, and now he’s going to trysome grand, faux-romantic gesture.

Brant gets down on one knee.

BRITTA (CONT’D)Last resort, leaving it all on theplate, the hail Mary pass from across the pool -

JEFFYou’ve literally never seen asport, have you?

The girls are now laughing in Brant’s face.

BRITTA Tough break. But if he could haveread that girl, totally avoidable.

(to Jeff)

Game, set, checkmate.(beat)Jeff?

She looks around. Jeff is gone.

CUT TO:

END OF COLD OPEN

"Community" - SPEC - "Lessons in Human Conquest" 2.

CONTINUED:



ACT ONE

EXT. CAMPUS

Jeff strides toward the heartbroken boy. Britta stops him.

BRITTA Whoa, cowboy, where you headed?

Jeff pauses and sighs. After a beat:

JEFF(re: the kid)

His name’s Brant. He’s in my Econclass, and I’ve been trying to helphim be more comfortable around women.

BRITTA

What, are you teaching him “TheGame?” So he can “neg” on hotbabes, even if he’s an “AFC?”

JEFFWhat? I don’t even- Wait, did youactually read “The Game?”

Before Britta can answer, PIERCE enters.

PIERCESomeone got lady troubles? I’vehelped a young Turk nail a dame ortwo in my day.

JEFFUnfortunately, that day was in 1947.

(to Britta)I just want to help him. Believe itor not, I went through similar stuffat his age.

Jeff strides away. Britta follows.

BRITTA

So you’re turning him into anotheremotionally stunted pile of hairgel. Great.

(beat)Have you ever considered he mightjust need a woman’s perspective?


(CONTINUED)



JEFFAnd end up in a bad cardigan with aCharlotte Bronte novel in his backpocket? Not on my watch, sister.

Britta gestures toward the distraught Brant.

BRITTA (sarcastic)

Oh, because you’re clearly doing so well on your own.

JEFFWhat are you suggesting?

BRITTA Maybe this is a problem best servedby both our strengths.

PIERCEYes! All three of us!

JEFF(ignoring him)

Interesting. My charm and polish.

BRITTA Combined with my understanding ofthe female condition.

PIERCE(chiming in)

And I’m really good at boning!

JEFFPierce, we actually need you to goto the lounge and get a Mr. Pibb.

PIERCEWhat? Is that part of the sex plan?

JEFFAre you really going to make me lieto an old man?

Pierce exits, grumbling. Jeff and Britta approach the boy.

JEFF (CONT’D)Hey, Brant, you OK?

Brant turns to them. He’s clearly just been crying.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRANTHey, Jeff. Sorry, I just got some,uh, horrible rejection in my eyes.

JEFFI told you, women are like seagulls-

Britta elbows him hard. Jeff starts over.

JEFF (CONT’D)This might take a few minutes. You want to go grab some curly fries?

Brant smiles weakly.

EXT. CAMPUS

Pierce enters and sits next to Shirley on the blanket.

PIERCEStupid young people. Think romance was invented with the iPod.

SHIRLEYPlease. Between two kids, my back,and y’all’s nonsense? If you findromance, have him give me a call.

Nearby, Abed doesn’t move as a football flies over his head.

ABEDThat was it, wasn’t it?

TROY (O.S.)(frustrated)

Yes!

Abed goes to pick up the football. It’s at the feet of agroup of ATHLETIC WHITE HIPPIES - an ULTIMATE FRISBEE TEAM.

ABED(suspicious)

Are you Phish?

JAMES, their leader, steps forward, his voice calm and level.

JAMESDon’t be afraid. We are mereSettlers, seeking a new home.

TROYWho?


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



JAMESOh, sorry. The Settlers?Greendale’s Ultimate Frisbee team?

James points to the name on their jerseys.

JAMES (CONT’D)We were hoping to practice here, where the grass is lush and freefrom used prophylactics.

ANNIEWhat about the club sports fields?

JAMESWe left those fields, fleeing theschool’s persecution of our sport.

(gestures to a player)Also, Trey got mega stoned and

forgot to apply for a field permit.

TREY steps forward.

TREYYeah, that’s totes on me.

ANNIEI don’t know guys.

TROYCome on. Our field’s huge! There’splenty of room for a few Settlers.

JAMESRadical.

(to Trey)Alert our bros back home. A NewField has been found!

ANNIEI have a bad feeling about this.

INT. CAFETERIA

Jeff and Britta sit across from Brant.

BRANTI thought Christie was the one. Whyare girls so hard to figure out?

JEFFI know. They’re like Rubix cubes.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRANTNot really. I can solve a Rubixcube in three minutes.

(excited)Want to watch?

Jeff’s not sure what to say. Britta steps in.

BRITTA Look over there. What do you see?

She points to THREE GORGEOUS GIRLS.

BRANTThree more reasons I’m going to diea virgin?

BRITTA You see people, like you. You can

treat girls like normal people.

BRANTBut I never know what to say.

JEFFDoesn’t matter. Charm’s not theperfect line. It’s saying yourfirst line with confidence.

(beat)You have the ammo. Just don’t beafraid to pull the trigger.

BRITTA A gun metaphor. How predictablyFreudian.

BRANTSo, to be good with girls, I justneed to relax and be myself?

JEFFOh, God, no.

He hands him a list and a wad of bills.

JEFF (CONT’D)Go to these six stores, buy what’slisted.

Britta intercepts the list. As Jeff watches, she makes someaggressive edits with a Sharpie marker before handing it on.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRITTA Four stores.

JEFFOh come on, no Tropi-Tan-A?

INT. STUDY ROOM - LATER

Pierce and Shirley unpack as Annie, Troy and Abed enter.

ANNIEI don’t trust those frisbee guys.They smell like my uncle’s basement.

ABEDDon’t be silly. When has embracinga colonizing force ever gone wrong?

Annie opens her mouth to answer.

ABED (CONT'D)Keep in mind that Troy’s never reada history book and my point ofreference for reality is mostlyJohn Hughes movies.

Annie’s not sure how to respond. Jeff and Britta enter.

PIERCEIf it isn’t white Hitch and hispartner, girl white Hitch.

BRITTA We just gave him some tips, Pierce.

JEFFAnd no, “shag carpet is seductive” was not one of them.

PIERCEOh, like what you did was hard.

(to Shirley)Shirley! You need a man, right?

SHIRLEYThat’s not proper group talk-

PIERCECome on, I have plenty of friendsyour age. What are you into? Black,over 90k a year, hung like a horse?


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRITTA Pierce! To assume Shirley wants arich, African-American man is just-

SHIRLEY(cutting her off)

Ah ah ah.(sotto, to Pierce)

You get me a Denzel crossed withthe guy from those deodorantcommercials? We’re in business.

VOICE (O.S.)Excuse me, am I in the right place?

An unrecognizably handsome BRANT has entered. The three girlslean forward in anticipation.

BRANT

(spotting her)Britta! There you are!

Britta gives a small fist pump of victory and approaches him.

BRITTA (flirty)

I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve-(realizing)

Holy crap it’s Brant.

The group is shocked.

TROYIt’s like you did an Extreme HomeMakoever. But on a person.

JEFFHow’s it working out so far?

BRANTSo great! I can look girls in theeye, and nobody’s spit on me inhours. I’m like a superhero!

BRITTA And Christie?

BRANTStill working up the courage. I’m practicing with other girls first.

(checks his watch)I have to run. Ladies, it’s been adelight.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



The girls swoon a bit as he exits. Jeff watches him go.

JEFFYou know, together we made a prettygood person.

BRITTA If you’re suggesting we should breed-

JEFFPurely for the good of the species.

Britta rolls her eyes and exits.

JEFF (CONT’D)Come on!

(to the room)Tell me those babies wouldn’t beadorable.

EXT. CAMPUS - THE NEXT DAY

Troy, Abed, and Annie enter tossing the football. Theycondense to avoid some Frisbee players running drills.

As they go farther, the frisbee players get denser,compressing the three until they’re handing off the football.

Annie walks up to James, the leader of the hippies.

ANNIEWhat’s going on here?

JAMES(to his friends)

Bros! These were the natives wholet us practice on their field.

(introductions)Bros, natives. Natives, bros.

ABEDYou’re really tearing up our grass.

JAMES

Your grass? Sorry, lady bro, butyour friend says otherwise.

He points to Troy’s pookah necklace. Annie stares at him.

TROYUh, I may have traded the field tothem for this sweet bead necklace.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



ANNIEYou traded our land for trinkets!?

ABEDI get it. It’s a university fieldThe concept of ownership doesn’t

apply. If anything, Troy thought he was taking advantage of them.

TROYAlso? These beads are really shiny.

JAMESThis field is our team’s home now.We’re not leaving.

ABEDWhat’s the move, guys?

TROY(steely)

Outnumbered? Backs to the wall?What else?

(after a beat, to O.S.)JEFF! HELP!

Troy and Abed run off. Annie follows them.

EXT. CAMPUS QUAD - CONTINUOUS

Jeff and Britta sit on a bench staring off-screen as Troy,Abed, and Annie enter.

TROY(panting)

Jeff. You gotta help us- Whitedreads- So many white dreads.

JEFFNot now. We’re watching our boy.

Across the quad, Brant flirts with a cute CO-ED.

BRITTA

(narrating)Let her talk, active listening-

JEFF-and a sensitive stare into thedistance. The kid’s a fast study!

Another GIRL walks up to Brant, crying. He says somethingclearly rude to her while pointing to the first girl.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRANT (CONT’D)And thanks. I really couldn’t havedone it without you guys.

JEFF/BRITTA (at the same time)

This is all your fault.(beat)

My fault? But you’re the one who-(beat)

We’ve created a monster.

On their quiet reflection, we:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE


CONTINUED:



ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. CAFETERIA - THE NEXT DAY

JEFF and BRITTA eat with ABED. Across the room, BRANT laughs with two DOUCHEBAGS and smacks a GIRL’S ass as she passes.

BRITTA How did we go so horribly wrong?

JEFFHe’s using our powers for evil.

ABEDIt’s like when Obi-Wan trainedDarth Vader. He learned too muchtoo quickly, and it corrupted him.

JEFFSo how does, uh, Umizoomi beat him?

ABEDBy finding something from his past -in Vader’s case, his son - andusing it to break through to him.

Across the room, Jeff spots CHRISTIE, Brant’s former crush.Between his bravado, Brant still sneaks sad looks at her.

JEFFChristie. Of course.

ABEDCould work. How is she with alightsaber?

BRITTA (to Jeff)

Wait, what are you saying?

JEFFIf Brant sees Christie with another

guy, it will break his confidence.He’ll be back to nerd in no time.

BRITTA And let me guess who this “otherguy” would be.

JEFFYou have a better plan?


(CONTINUED)



BRITTA A better plan than you seducingsome ditzy coed? Yeah, it’s called“literally anything.”

Britta thinks for a beat.

BRITTA (CONT’D)Brant’s high on his hot streakright now. He just needs a sexy,empowered woman to shoot him down.

JEFF(sarcastic)

And where would we find one ofthose?

BRITTA OK, fine. You try your plan, I’ll

try mine.

JEFFTwo stones, one bird. Works for me.

A BEEPING interrupts them. Abed pulls out a WALKIE TALKIE.

ABEDGo for Abed.

(listens, then, to Jeff)I have to go. Good luck, and maythe Force be with you.

Jeff tentatively makes the VULCAN SALUTE.

ABED (CONT’D)(patronizing)

You’ll get there.

EXT. CAMPUS

Abed enters as ANNIE and TROY argue with JAMES and hisFRISBEE TEAM. There are more players than before.

ABED

Got your walkie. What’s up?

TROYThe hemp brigade won’t let us playon our own field.

JAMESWhat? We reserved a spot for you.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



Trey points to a SMALL, BARE SPOT OF DIRT in the field.

ANNIEIf you think we’re going to besatisfied with some reservation-

JAMESThis isn’t really up for debate.

Two LARGE FRISBEE PLAYERS close in around the three, usheringthem off the field. Abed shouts a parting shot:

ABEDYour sport was invented by JoelSilver!

INT. CAFETERIA - LATER

Jeff approaches Christie and her friends, all dressed like

trashy pop stars. Jeff smiles. They don’t.

JEFFHey, I like, your, uh, glitter.

Christie, not answering, types rapid-fire into her phone.Across the table, her friend checks her phone and laughs.

JEFF (CONT’D)Did you just text someone threefeet away from you?

Christie rolls her eyes. What an idiot.

CHRISTIEI just updated my Facebook, whichupdates my Twitter, which updates my other Twitter, which texts Mary.

JEFF(barely keeping up)

What did it say?

Christie hands him the phone. Jeff looks at the screen.

JEFF (CONT’D)This word means nothing to me.

Christie takes the phone back.

CHRISTIE(reading the text)

“Old men are creeptastic.


CONTINUED:

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)



Check out the big forehead on thisgeezer. Ke$ha rules. Love,Christie.”

JEFFWhat?! There’s like five letters

there! One of them was a tilde!

The girls walk away, leaving Jeff speechless. Brant enters,holding hands with Britta.

BRANTJeffrey, buddy, I’ll tell you now,that’s a long road to nowhere. Canyou believe I used to like her?

JEFFI really can’t.

BRANTWell, keep trying. If Brittacracked, maybe she will, too.

BRITTA (shrugs)

I just couldn’t resist his charm.

Jeff looks to Britta, who bats her eyes innocently.

JEFF(with emphasis)

Well. I hope everything works outthe way you planned.

BRITTA I’m sure it will.

They exit. Shirley enters, with a HANDSOME MAN - CHARLES.

SHIRLEYIs everything OK, Jeff?

JEFFFine. Just weeping for future

generations. Who’s your pal?

SHIRLEYOh, sorry. This is Charles,Pierce’s friend.

CHARLESNice to meet you.


CONTINUED:CHRISTIE (CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)



JEFF(in disbelief)

Pierce introduced you two? Velourturtle-neck Pierce?

Shirley nods.

JEFF (CONT’D)How is he better at this than us?

(suspicious, to Charles)Wait, are you a serial killer?

Charles shakes his head. Jeff stares at Brant and Britta.

JEFF (CONT’D)Know anybody who is?

INT. BRANT’S DORM ROOM - LATER

Britta and Brant sit on the floor and eat cheap sushi.

BRITTA (hamming it up )

This is so great. Dining hall sushiin a dorm room? Like, wow.

BRANTWhat can I say, I’m a man of wealthand taste. Some music?

Brant activates his laptop. The Goo Goo Dolls’ Iris plays.

BRANT (CONT’D)Now. Where were we?

He leans in for a kiss. At the last moment, Britta laughs.

BRITTA I can’t believe it. You’re not justa skeeze, you’re third rate skeeze.

(re: the music)Iris? Seriously? Even 7th gradegirls only play this ironically.

BRANTWhat did I do-

BRITTA You know what you did. You took onetiny taste of sexual power as a mandate to be a complete asshole.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



Brant searches for an answer, but Britta’s not done.

BRITTA (CONT’D)The worst part? You treated thosegirls far worse than they evertreated you.

Brant breaks down, crying.

BRANTI’m sorry! Girls have never liked me before, and I just lost control.

Britta softens.

BRANT (CONT’D)(hopeful)

You helped me before. Maybe you canhelp make me a decent person?

They hug. Brant leans his head into Britta’s shoulder.


Jeff, depressed, watches Charles and Shirley laugh togetherat a nearby table. Pierce sits down across from him.

PIERCEAh, there’s no better feeling thanbringing two people together.

(to Jeff)Want to know why I do it?

JEFFIs the answer you not talkinganymore? Otherwise, pass.

Britta enters, smiling widely.

BRITTA Someone’s on edge.

JEFFDid it work? Did you get Brant?

BRITTA I broke him down and built him backup like a little clay man.

Britta spots Brant across the cafeteria sitting with a girl.

BRITTA (CONT’D)Here, watch.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



She waves, but Brant pretends not see her. Britta, puzzled, waves more, and after a moment, Brant walks over to her.

BRANTBabe, chill, I’m with fresh meat.

JEFFAll better, huh?

BRANTNow that I’m here, though, I canreturn these.

He drops conservative, gray WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR on the table.

PIERCEYou slept with a soccer mom?!

JEFF

Those are Britta’s.

Jeff and Pierce turn to her in disbelief.

BRITTA I thought he was, you know, better!

BRANTBecause I went all “squishy-sensitive?” Come on, Britta.Freshman girls eat that up, butyou? Disappointing.

Britta gasps. Brant backs away. As he goes:

BRANT (CONT’D)Also, I know you’re all granola,but come on. Trim the hedges a bit.

(“bye” to Pierce and Jeff)Time capsule. Sock in the crotch.

JEFF(embarrassed)

These briefs are just thick, OK?

Brant’s gone. Britta grabs Jeff’s collar.

BRITTA We are going to destroy that littleprick.

EXT. CAMPUS - RECREATIONAL FIELD

Abed and Annie sadly toss the ball on their dirt plot.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



TROYThis sucks. It’s dusty, there’sbroken glass on the ground, and itsmells like raw sewage.

The bushes rustle. A FRISBEE PLAYER emerges, pulling up his

athletic shorts.

PLAYERSorry, that may have been my bad.

ANNIEOh, GOD!

PLAYERHonestly? I don’t even remembereating beets.

He exits, leaving Annie and Troy thoroughly grossed out.

ANNIEThat’s it! I’m tired of beingpushed around by these jerks.

TROYBut what can we do?

ABEDWhat brave men and women always doin this situation. We fight.

(inspirational)We stand up to colonial forces. Wetake back our land before theydestroy all our natural resources.

ANNIEI thought you didn’t know history.

ABEDNot really. But I’ve seen Avatar .

Annie shrugs. Makes sense.

ANNIE

(resolved)We’re going to need some help.

END OF ACT TWO


CONTINUED:



ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. STUDY ROOM

Jeff paces while Britta sits.

JEFFSo how do you stop a sex-crazedcollege kid with no soul?

BRITTA Is castration on the table?

Pierce enters, carrying books.

PIERCESounds like you need help from a

proven master of romance.

Jeff and Britta glare at him. Shirley enters.

PIERCE (CONT’D)There she is now! My opus!

(beat)Weren’t you meeting Charles today?

SHIRLEYI haven’t heard from him. I guessthe man just lost interest.

BRITTA That jerk!

JEFFWell, Pierce, at least we’re both miserable failures.

(to himself)And, with that phrase, I hit a newlow.

PIERCENo way! Charles was crazy for her!

Shirley shrugs innocently. On the table, her phone startsBUZZING. Pierce snatches it.

PIERCE (CONT’D)(reading)

From C-Daddy: “Baby, please call,can’t live another day without yoursweet brown sugar.”


(CONTINUED)



JEFFBlatant invasion of privacy aside,that’s definitely not disinterest.

Pierce scrolls through the phone.

PIERCEWe have similar texts from Larry.Francis. Lex. Senor Chang?!

The groups turns to Shirley.

SHIRLEY(carefully)

It’s not very Christian of me, butsince the divorce, I have beenenjoying the dating life.

BRITTA

Do these guys know you’re notlooking for anything serious?

SHIRLEYYes, but sometimes a woman’s bodydoes strange things to a man.

JEFF(reading the texts)

Strange? Shirley, you’ve got theseguys so hooked it would make acrack dealer blush.

Jeff stands up, inspired.

JEFF (CONT'D)I have a proposition for you.

SHIRLEYOh, that’s nice, but knowing yourindiscriminate history of partners-

JEFFNo! Not that. I think you can helpus with a little problem.

EXT. CAMPUS - LATER

Abed, Annie, and Troy hold council with a motley group of“park people”: JUGGLERS, MUSICIANS, TAI CHI ENTHUSIASTS, etc.

ANNIEAbed, who are these people?


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



TROYDid you steal a circus?

ABEDThey’re the leaders of the sixtribes of the Greendale Quad.

As he lists them off, Abed points out each group, allengaging in their respective activities:

ABED (CONT’D)Hackey Sack. Jugglers. Acousticguitar. Wiffle ball. Tai Chi. Andthat weird thing with the ribbon.

The last leader, a RIBBON DANCER, spins with a flourish.

TROYSo graceful.

ABEDIf anybody can help us take backour field, it’s them.

The leader of the HACKEY SACK TRIBE steps forward.

HACKEY SACK LEADERWe have waited long enough. Whyhave you called us here?

ANNIEAs you may know, the northwestfield has been occupied by a clubsports team-

A JUGGLER, using Devil Sticks, interrupts.

JUGGLERWhat do we care? Only you who tossfootballs use that field.

Noises of agreement from the other leaders.

ABED

You think they’ll stop there? Todayit’s our field. By tomorrow, itcould be the entire quad.

Uncomfortable murmurs from the crowd.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRANTJeffrey! Here to get all “MissManners” on me again?

Jeff leans on the bar next to Brant.

JEFFHonestly? I was just jealous. I’vehad feelings for Britta for a longtime. Seeing her with you hurt me.

BRANTDude, get over her. Men get toscrew women their entire lives.Women? They just get screwed.

JEFF(almost to himself)

You sad little misogynistic twit.

BRANTWhat?

JEFFI said, wow, you’re right.

(holds up a shot)Man shot?

BRANTMan shot.

Brant takes the shot.

INT. SORORITY HOUSE - LATER

Brant, now MUCH DRUNKER, still talk with Jeff.

BRANTI’m a good guy- I really am- It’sjust- Women, am I right?

Britta re-enters the party, makes eyes at Brant.

BRANT (CONT’D)

Here, I’ll show you what I mean.

Brant stumbles over to Britta.

JEFF(half-hearted)

No, wait, don’t.


CONTINUED:



INT. SORORITY HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Brant follows Britta, a few steps ahead, into a bedroom.

INT. SORORITY HOUSE - BEDROOM

Brant stumbles in and looks around. SHIRLEY, dressed simplybut beautifully, lays on the bed.

SHIRLEY(a subtle flirt)

Oh, I’m so sorry. Were you lookingfor someone else?

Brant, only confused for a beat, gives a sly smile.

BRANTNot anymore.

EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - HALLWAY

Britta, previously hidden behind the door, joins Jeff.

BRITTA What now?

JEFFNow, we wait.

A boyish noise of EXTREME PAIN/PLEASURE comes from the room.

JEFF (CONT’D)(quickly amending)

Somewhere else.

They exit.

EXT. CAMPUS - RECREATIONAL FIELD - DAWN

The next morning. The sun rises over the field as the Frisbeeplayers finish stretching and begin tossing in formation.

Abed and Annie approach James.

ANNIEThis is your last chance. We wantour field back.

JAMESThis stopped being your field the moment you let us step on it.

Abed talks into his walkie:


(CONTINUED)



ABEDYou get that Troy?

TROY (O.C.)Yep.

A SHRILL WAR CRY echoes. Troy, in FOOTBALL EYE BLACK, standson a hill near the field and holds a football over his head.

The SIX TRIBES OF THE QUAD, also ready for war, gather behindhim. A tense moment, then they CHARGE INTO THE FIELD.

JAMESSettlers! Switch to defense!

The team assembles around him. The QUAD PEOPLE charge towardthem, spraying mud everywhere. The Settlers brace for impact.

However, the quad people run BETWEEN the Frisbee players,

finding spots on the field to pause and juggle, hackey sack,ribbon dance, etc. It’s almost tranquil.

James, confused, issues orders:

JAMES (CONT’D)Resume practice! RESUME PRACTICE!

They try, but the field is too dense with other activities.Flying discs hit devil sticks and wiffle bats.

TREYSir, we can’t. What should we do?

JAMESRetreat. Regroup in Chad’s basementfor nachos and Mario Kart.

(to Annie)This isn’t over!

The quad people CHEER as the Frisbee players walk off, thenslowly disperse themselves.

Annie, Abed and Troy celebrate. They’re all filthy.

ANNIEWe did it! We got our field back!

TROYDid we though?

Abed gestures to the field. It’s a torn up, muddy mess.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



ABEDIt will grow back. The important is we fought for our right to be here.

Annie looks at the ball.

ANNIEI’m kind of over football. Want toplay something else?

TROY/ABEDYeah, definitely. / Absolutely.

They exit.


Jeff and Britta, excited, sit down across from Shirley.

JEFFHow did everything go?

Shirley just smiles and looks across the room - Brant isapproaching. He’s dressed down, clearly humbled.

BRANT (O.S.)Uh, hey. I want to apologize forthe way I’ve been acting lately.

He steals glances at Shirley, taking cues from her.

BRANT (CONT’D)I know I’ve been a jerk, and that Ihave a lot to learn about women.

JEFFThat’s quite the change of heart.

BRANTYeah, someone really, uh, turned myviewpoint around. Contorted it in ways I didn’t think were possible-

Shirley shoots him a glare. That’s enough.

BRANT (CONT’D)Point is, I’m sorry.

(to Shirley )Will I ever get to see you again?

SHIRLEYBe respectful, call your mother,and we’ll see.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



BRANTYes- Yes ma’am.

Brant walks away. Jeff and Britta are awestruck.

BRITTA

Shirley! You’re a magician!

JEFFAre you still cool with, uh, Jesus?

SHIRLEYI had an opportunity to teach ayoung man a valuable lesson. Ithink the Lord would approve.

JEFFCan’t argue with that.

SHIRLEYAlso, hate to say it, but that boydoes have a cute butt.

Pierce enters, carrying books.

PIERCENow what are y’all yammering about?

SHIRLEY(perfectly sweet)

Nothing we’re ever going to mentionto anybody again. Pie, anybody?

Shirley exits. Pierce shrugs and follows her.

BRITTA (re: Shirley)

Now that woman is tough to read.

Jeff, smiling, rolls his eyes and stands up. Britta rises.

BRITTA (CONT’D)Hey, I heard what you said about meto Brant. Was that- was that true?

JEFF(playful)

What, so guys aren’t exactly openbooks, either?

BRITTA I think the last few days provethat.


CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)



JEFFIn that case, why spoil the ending?

Jeff walks away, leaving Britta smiling slightly.

On his way out, he passes Abed, Troy and Annie, still muddy

and now playing Risk . Annie finishes explaining the rules.

ANNIESo. Any questions?

Abed/Troy raise their hands. Abed goes first:

ABEDHow do I form a secret alliance with Troy?

TROYI believe Abed’s question will also

answer my question.

Troy, not sly at all, winks at Abed. Annie sighs.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE


CONTINUED:



TAG

FADE IN:

INT. CAFETERIA - LATER

Annie, Troy, and Abed finish the game of Risk.

ABEDIt’s just highly improbable thatone horse could beat six armed men.

ANNIEWell, sorry, that’s the game.

TROYIs it though?

Troy and Abed share a look.

ABEDWe’re attacking China from Troy-Abed-istan.

ANNIEWhat? That’s not even-

Abed reveals a piece of cardboard with a CRUDELY DRAWNCOUNTRY on it. He positions it as an extension of the board.

TROYWith our entire army.

Troy puts an array of KNICK KNACKS - hot wheel cars, aMonopoly piece, etc. - on the “new country.”

ABEDSurrender now, and we’ll be merciful.

ANNIE(re: the army)

Is that a mustard packet?

TROYMaybe.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW


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