betty the most lovable girl in the world (preview)

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    The Adventures of Betty, the Most Lovable Girl in the World.

    By Ari Melman

    Dedicated to Gavi Melman

    Table of Contents:

    Chapter One - Chapter One: Friendship is a Black-and-White Advert 1

    Chapter Two - Chapter Two: Hope in Honey 7

    Chapter Three - Chapter Three: Bravery in Bamboo 15

    Chapter Four - Chapter Four: Safety in Stories 22

    Chapter Five - Chapter Five: Cotton is Soul Candy 27

    Chapter Six: Mapping out Mischief ??Chapter Seven: Oh, Boy ??

    Chapter Eight: Cleaning is Caring ??

    Chapter Nine: Alien Ambrosia ??

    Chapter Ten: Dreaming Dark Delights ??

    Chapter Eleven: Rusty our Russian Relations ??

    Chapter Twelve: Where Babies Purr, Mothers Roar ??

    Chapter Thirteen: Pickled Pride for Peaceberg ??Chapter Fourteen: A Well for Swell Friends ??

    Chapter Fifteen: Play Along Parents ??

    Chapter Sixteen: Set Off Sisters ??

    Chapter Seventeen: Log-Lie Lane ??

    Chapter Eighteen: Hear Hear, The Heroine Here ??

    Chapter Nineteen: Neighborhood Versus Dad ??

    Chapter Twenty: Tangled Twine ??

    Chapter Twenty One: Unraveled ??Chapter Twenty Two: Victory Shaded Velvet ??

    Chapter Twenty Three: Going, Going, Gone ??

    Chapter Twenty Four: I Am Security ??

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    CHAPTER ONE

    Chapter One: Friendship is a Black-and-White Advert

    Betty was a strange little girl. Instead of playing

    with dolls, or doing up her hair with beads and pretty

    ties, Betty liked to do housework. She didn't have much

    choice in the matter. As the youngest of five children, all

    girls, she had two choices. Either she enjoy doing all

    their chores, or bitterly, ineffectively complain.

    Betty had never known any other way to live in a

    family. Her sisters had not wasted any time in transferring

    their responsibilities. At four months, when her fingers

    were just strong enough to grasp and hold onto objects,

    instead of fingers and binkies and dandelions, they handed

    Betty a small broom. At nine months, Betty uttered her

    first word. Mom told all her friends that she said "sleep",

    wasn't that the cutest thing?, but the sisters knew better.

    For what Betty was really repeating, like a meditative

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    mantra defining the rest of her days, was "sweep."

    When she was old enough to walk, her sisters

    hailed this age of new jobs they could give her. They'd

    stack all their dirty clothes over her neck until she

    looked quite like a walking laundry heap. For her second

    birthday, they bought her a stool so she could climb up

    onto the washer, which loomed over her twice as tall, and

    start the wash. The drying rack was her monkey bars, and as

    she dangled above the ground, she'd shake her head making

    clothes fall onto the string.

    Mother told her friends with great pride. "My

    Betty is such a good influence on her older sisters. Ever

    since she was born, they've worked harder than ever to keep

    the place clean. They must really love her to want such a

    clean house for her to grow up in."

    But why were her sisters so selfish? Why would

    they make their little sister do all the work while they

    talked on their phones, watched TV, tried on new hairstyles

    and played on the playgrounds? If you have to ask, you've

    clearly never had older siblings. Being an older sibling is

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    like being a queen all these servants who look up to you

    just waiting to follow your every command. If parents don't

    watch carefully and make all the children do their share,

    every older sibling would act exactly as these girls had.

    Betty never complained. She didn't know better.

    And mom and dad never asked. It does nobody any good to

    meddle when things are going well better not to question

    and enjoy.

    So day after day, week after week, year after

    year, Betty kept the house cleaner than it had ever been

    without asking for anything in return. Until one Sunday

    morning, as she cleared the Sunday circulars off the

    kitchen table in her hands, the most incredible flyer

    slipped from the comic pages. With years of trained

    reflexes, she caught the floating advert between his fourth

    finger and pinkie, her only free fingers. It read:

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, prepare

    yourself for the most extraordinary event in this history

    of the American Girl Panda Bear Collection. To celebrate

    fifty years of supreme craftsmanship, the finest stuffed

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    animals the world has ever seen, and a reputation for

    fulfilling the greatest childhood memories, we'll be

    bringing every American Girl Panda Bear in America together

    for three days of unprecedented joy and love.

    As you all know, American Girl Panda Bears are the

    most exclusive, hand-knit, soft and loving stuffed animals

    in the world. Each bear is carefully stitched by hand in a

    process that takes a full month! Each bear is custom

    designed for its owner. Standing at three feet, they

    quickly become companions for life.

    To celebrate the finest achievement in childhood

    wonder, we're flying in every owner of an American Girl

    Panda Bear for three days of enchantment. Every Panda bear

    under a single roof! If that wasn't enough, one lucky girl

    or boy will receive a special edition fiftiethanniversary

    American Girl Panda Bear absolutely free. As you know, they

    usually retail for $2000 so the recipient will be very

    happy indeed.

    Address: Intercontinental Hotel, 55th

    and Lawrence

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    Ave.

    Date: Sunday, June 20"

    Betty had never wanted anything in her life as

    badly as this. Even though she had never spent much time

    with stuffed animals or dolls, deep down in her heart she

    wanted one who could be her best friend after all the work

    was done. And just like choosing a best friend or a spouse,

    the perfect stuffed animal couldn't be chosen willy-nilly.

    It had to be perfect! Finally, she had found the perfect

    friend, but it was so expensive her mother would never

    approve. Besides, even if she managed to buy it, her

    sisters would just take it for themselves. It had to be

    gotten in such a way that the whole world knew it belonged

    to Betty and Betty alone. If only she could go to the

    American Girl Panda Bear festival.

    She tucked the flyer into her elastipants. Then

    she began plotting how she could convince the family to let

    her go. Mom would say yes, as long as the house stayed

    clean while she was gone. So the big issue was convincing

    her sisters to keep clean for three days without her.

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    That was harder than it sounds: once, she had

    stayed three hours late at school to study for a test. When

    she got home, there were clothes all over the house, banana

    peels and candy bar wrappers strewn across the floor. Dirty

    dishes in every bedroom and dirty napkins piled high on the

    kitchen table. Working by herself, it took three hours just

    to get everything back to normal. Would they even still be

    alive if she left for three days?

    So she'd need to bribe them, convince them to tone

    down their messy ways while she was gone. It would take six

    tons of honey, a handful of hair braids, and a slip and

    slide.

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    CHAPTER TWO

    Chapter Two: Hope in Honey

    Fortunately, the Friday of the convention was her

    third oldest sister's birthday. While Betty's sisters slept

    late, she woke up an extra hour early to prepare her

    sister's birthday celebration, baking a funfetti cake with

    sprinkles and extra cream to fill the house with the smell

    of loveliness. She laid the slip-and-slide across the

    backyard grass, turned the nozzle of the water hose

    covering the front of the slide.

    But not the back half. No way, no how. She had special

    plans for that. She rolled the six jugs of honey over, each

    taller and wider than she was. She had found them last week

    by the expressway leading to her house. A few early

    mornings and she'd rolled them home. With a devilish grin,

    she opened the tops and poured the honey all over the slip-

    and-slide.

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    It was so thick and gooey that it rose high above

    the ground, wobbling tenuously, waiting to consume

    unsuspecting approachers or be consumed by the hungry.

    When the sisters awoke, Betty invited them for

    cake and birthday games. They pushed and shoved, struggling

    to get everything first.

    "I'm the birthday girl. I should get the first

    slice of cake!" Ashley squealed.

    "I'm the oldest, therefore I rule over you all and

    I say I eat first." Olivia ordered.

    "I'm the most sensitive to germs. If I don't get

    the first slice, the cake will be exposed to all sorts of

    gross bugs. I need the first slice." Margarette whined.

    "It's my day for special favors. Everybody else

    got their special favor days. My special favor is getting

    cake first!" Young Valentine chimed.

    "Oldest first." Isabel, the second oldest sister

    reasoned.

    Of course, none of the sisters could agree on who

    would get first so they all grabbed as much cake as they

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    could and stuffed it into their mouths as quickly as

    possible. Nobody bothered to thank Betty for baking the

    cake, but she didn't mind. She was happy to see how much

    they enjoyed it.

    While the crumbs were still falling from their

    lips, the sisters turned toward the slip-and-slide. It was

    so shiny and wet. Everyone wanted a try. Once again, they

    all wanted to be first, for all the same reasons. They

    fought and clawed and yelled but just as before, what

    decided it was when everyone ran and jumped toward the

    slide at the same time. The water splashed into the grass

    in waves that upturned anthills as the girls slid faster,

    faster with glee upon their faces. By the time they noticed

    the towering honey, it was too late to move out of the way.

    Splat! The girls stuck to the matted honey. They

    tried to lift their hands. Globs of honey swished across

    them. Their bodies and legs sunk like quicksand beneath the

    mountain of sweet orange goo and it took all their energy

    to keep their heads from falling in too.

    Betty came over with four baby bottles of water

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    and placed one next to each sister's mouth.

    "What's the meaning of this? Let us out!" Olivia

    cried.

    "It's only for three days while I'm away. The

    honey has plenty of nutrition for food and makes a warm

    blanket. We wouldn't want the house to fall down without

    me."

    "This is the worst birthday ever!" Ashley yelled.

    "Well, it sure will be if you keep screaming like

    that." Betty said. "Maybe you can take the time to get to

    know each other."

    But the sisters would have none of Betty's

    logical, rehearsed words. They screamed and cried and

    threatened revenge. Betty took the watery side of the slide

    and draped it over her sisters. Their cries immediately

    muffled under the tarp. Mom would just think there were

    some stray animals loose.

    "Hi mom. I'm ready to go!" Betty said cheerfully

    as she walked back inside.

    "The house looks so clean honey. Get in the car,

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    I'll drive you to the bus station." Mom said.

    In no time at all, young Betty was a hundred miles

    from home in New Heathen City. Interesting people glittered

    before her from the moment she entered the American Girl

    Panda Bear 50th

    anniversary collection convention. Women of

    all ages, with makeup drawn boldly around their eyes all

    the way up to their ears. It was supposed to make them look

    like panda bears, but truth be told, they looked more like

    freaky aliens. Always in two shades of color, they slapped

    on purple and black, green and orange. Black and white if

    they were particularly uncreative. Covered with mounds of

    glitter and sequins. Betty had never seen anybody like

    them, and she knew instantly, she wanted in.

    She was surprised to see so few little boys and

    girls there, but it made sense. Of the thousand owners of

    American Girl Panda Bears, 800 were full grown women, 180

    were full grown men, and only twenty were young boys and

    girls. After all, a stuffed panda is a lifelong companion.

    A fifty-five year old woman with a crooked nose, hairs like

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    dead autumn grass, and ears as shiny black as an oil spill

    smiled and waved at Betty. She held her panda bear's hand

    and puppeteered it to wave too. Betty felt a rush of

    warmness coming through her. She smiled back and held her

    gaze until the woman sided to the clothing accessories

    booth.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. It is now

    time for the main event. The great American Girl Panda Bear

    collection convention competition. Three challenges to

    discover the greatest Panda friend among us, with one

    deserving winner coming home with their own custom designed

    special edition Panda Bear. Sign up at the booth but

    beware, you can't refuse any challenge, and they will test

    you as you've never been tested before. Choose wisely."

    Larry the announcer was a tall wiry man in a white

    fur coat and black galoshes. He walked toward the stage in

    the back of the conference hall, sheparding flocks of

    panda-faced people behind him. He looked like the kind of

    man as likely to lead a three-ring circus as be top sales

    man at the Wringley bubble gum confectionary. Equally drawn

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    to fun as he was drawn to controlling people. He had

    constantly tried to blow himself up, projecting the

    greatness of mass and success he could never achieve in

    that skinny skin.

    The contestants signed away their liabilities and

    lined up on stage. In total, only two hundred of the

    thousand attendees registered to participate. They were old

    and satisfied. Another panda in the family would be too

    much to take care of, and most weren't confident they could

    do a proper job of making the panda feel part of the

    family. They had their own pandas, and they loved them, and

    that was enough.

    But Betty didn't have any panda. She didn't even

    have parents that would tuck her in at night, or sisters

    that would walk her across the street to meet the ice cream

    truck. There was nobody in the entire world that Betty

    could open up to, and she had a very big place in her heart

    for the panda that could fill it.

    "Step right up, contestants. Don't be shy.

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    CHAPTER THREE

    Chapter Three: Bravery in Bamboo

    The contestants grabbed their sticks and began to

    barrel away at it. Turner the Terrible had been a Coney

    Island sideshow act for twenty long years, bitterly

    entertaining children by swallowing swords and letting

    small children staple ten dollar bills to his chest. Now,

    it all paid off as he suppressed his gag reflex, lowered

    the entire tube of bamboo down to his stomach, and let his

    stomach acids do the breaking down for him.

    Sylvia Silinca karate chopped the bamboo and

    gritted it between her teeth until it had the consistency

    of sand. Her taste buds had stopped working thirty-five

    years earlier after chugging a cup of hot coffee on a bet.

    She won thirty dollars from her coworkers and would claim

    the bet was worth it, but poor Sylvia had no more taste

    buds or vocal cords. She whispered out death, secretly

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    screaming for someone to pour her heart out to, one who

    would sit and listen all day with nothing but praise for

    her ways. Thus dedicated, she ate the bamboo without

    protest.

    As for young Betty, she did as she always did when

    given clear instructions for a task most disturbing and

    unfair. She took out her handy pocket fork and knife,

    cutting and eating the bamboo branch one piece at a time.

    Mom had told the girls they must clear their plates before

    leaving the table, but as she was always the first to

    leave, on call with her various girl friends, the older

    sisters simply piled their unwanted leftovers on Betty's

    plate. Always obedient and cheerful, Betty simply learned

    to enjoy cold asparagus and chicken-bone strewn skins and

    broccoli. The bamboo wasn't worse or better than anything

    she'd had to eat before, so she grinned her way through it

    without a word.

    Onlookers were delighted at the victors' success,

    for they were surely in the minority. Boris the lifelong

    bachelor looked at the bamboo for so long even the bamboo

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    started to get uncomfortable. Then he nibbled at it

    cautiously, and finding something slightly distasteful, put

    it down and complained to Larry that all the other

    contestants got bamboo so much riper and fresher. Booted.

    Coral, the fifty year old woman who still thought

    of herself in her younger days, those being when she was

    five years old, stuck the stick up her nose and expected

    the bamboo to do the hard part of chewing itself. When she

    realized the stick wasn't moving, she threw a tantrum until

    she too was thrown off the stage.

    In total, one hundred thirty five contestants

    couldn't get past the bamboo challenge. But enough talk

    about the failures you're far more interested in the

    champions. Sigh. You fussy readers should know Both Coral

    and Boris had written TV scripts detailing their lives.

    Both thought of themselves as stars in a television show

    aired every day, not on their screens but through their

    eyes. Their lives were so interesting, so full of

    misadventures, yet just like their TV scripts before, they

    were kicked off the stage and not another word was said of

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    them.

    "Ok contestants. Time up. Everyone put your bamboo

    sticks down. If you're still around, that means you advance

    to the next challenge. Oh, isn't panda life grand? Come out

    back everybody, our next challenge is set up outside."

    He led them through the auditorium to a door with

    a disabled red 'Emergency Exit Only' sign above it. Instead

    of finding an empty lot with trashcans as Betty expected,

    she saw towering trees as high as the third story of their

    hotel. They were bamboo once again, with heavy branches

    sticking out in all directions like a topsy-turvy

    porcupine.

    "To appreciate the hardships of a Panda, one must

    learn to move their way. Climb one tree, cross the bamboo

    branches and climb down the other side. Those that make it

    back down on their own merit will move on to the final

    round."

    Dozens of middle aged women, a handful of greying

    men, and Betty raced toward the trees. Turner the terrible

    wrapped his giant hands around the trunk and began to climb

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    but he kept getting jammed. Looking down toward his

    stomach, he realized with horror that he hadn't taken his

    most recent batch of stapled bills out of him. Letting kids

    staple his skin made him the wealthiest street performer in

    town, but it always left him sore for a day after he took

    them out. Too sore to suffer scraping up a tree. This left

    Turner the Terrible in a tricky situation. He continued to

    catch on small branches and unsmoothed trunk, as parts of

    his abdomen hung onto the tree while his hands tried

    desperately to ascend. He wiggled and wormed, slid and

    squirmed, until he could do so no more. Turner the

    Terrible's staples were so stuck across the tree that he

    could move no more. Booted.

    A fat bald man whose name was too difficult for

    Larry to pronounce climbed over Turner and continued

    upwards. Meanwhile, forty contestants were still trying

    desperately to get more than three feet off the ground.

    They kept jumping up and sliding down like firemen. But the

    only fire here was burning in their hearts, and it was

    quickly extinguishing.

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    Betty grabbed the trunk and slid down like the

    rest. She looked up past the leaves and branches, to where

    she needed to go. Think like a panda. This time, when she

    jumped up the trunk, she bit with her two front teeth as

    hard as she could. Crunch, went the trunk. Tastes just like

    bamboo, Betty confirmed. Using her teeth as a third arm,

    she climbed higher and higher. As light as she was, the

    branches held her easily without swaying, and she crossed

    comfortably.

    This time, only fifteen people accomplished the

    challenge, making it to the third round. Only the most

    dedicated, panda-like people remained. Betty gulped down

    her fear then followed Larry back onto the stage inside.

    She smiled at him, but he ignored her. An announcer had to

    be impartial, after all.

    "Now, audience, you may have been watching the

    contestants thinking, why is that announcer going so easy

    on them? I could do a much better job of picking the true

    panda person than he could. Well, now I leave the fur in

    your coat. For the last test, contestants will explain why

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    they deserve the American Girl Panda Bear Collection

    Convention Special Edition Bear. Applaud and circle

    contestants after they share their stories. May the most

    heartwarming win!"

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    CHAPTER FOUR

    Chapter Four: Safety in Stories

    Nearly 1,000 men and women clutching their panda

    bears encircled the remaining contestants. They all looked

    so strange with their colored glitter makeup around the

    eyes. To Betty, as they stomped, jeered, and stared with

    teeth bared, they were hunting predators, not the warm

    family looking to adopt someone new into their midst. If

    she had anyone to turn to, she would have run off the stage

    right there. But there was nobody waiting for her.

    A thirty-year-old man in the circle stood up

    first. He wore red suspenders and a straw hat with enough

    thistles sticking out to feed a horse. His face was flushed

    with the red stains of someone who ate an entire cherry pie

    forehead first.

    "My name's Cleo. I've been a farm boy all my life.

    When I was five years old, my best friend was a pig named

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    Charles. Charles and I would roll around in the mud for

    hours, snorting and honking each other's noses, racing to

    the fence and back. I'd stick stickers on his back and he'd

    flip me into the grass until I was green. We were

    inseparable.

    Then one night, dad made the most delicious dinner

    for us. Pork loins with cranberry sauce. I must've eaten

    more that night than all week combined. He said he'd just

    signed a deal with a county distributer and we'd be selling

    more than ever. But I never saw Charles again.

    It took me a long time to get over the loss of my

    best friend. But when I was eight, I met Calvin the Cow.

    Calvin was so good at learning tricks. He would moo when I

    told him to speak. He would chew grass when I told him to

    chew. He would even play dead whenever I tipped him over.

    We would lie in the fields for hours, just talking and

    making mud pies. Calvin could even make his own mud.

    Then one day, dad was so excited, he told us all

    about his new business partner who was going to make him

    rich. We had him over for dinner that night, and we had the

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    most delicious steaks my dad has ever grilled. And I never

    saw Calvin again.

    It was many years before I could make another

    friend. Every time I started to get close, I was afraid dad

    was watching in wait to part me from the ones I loved. So I

    grew up into the teen years, milling the hay and collecting

    sheaves of wheat for the horses. But that all changed on my

    twenty-second birthday. We got a new litter of lambs. The

    moment I saw her, we were in best friend love. We'd

    baaaaaa' at the moon, snuggle up at bedtime, even eat

    dinner out of the same bowl.

    But even though I could keep dad out of my dreams,

    I couldn't keep him out of the pen. After a few months, dad

    was serving lamb at our table, and I had no one left to

    talk to.

    All I want is a best friend my dad can't eat. The

    American Girl Panda Bear is stuffed with genuine Egyptian

    cotton, tender enough to sleep with but too firm for dad to

    digest. Could you please make this poor farm boy's dreams

    come true, and give him the friend his parents never

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    could?"

    Everyone awed in sympathy, with polite applause.

    They cared, but not enough to want him to win. Something

    about his story made them feel if his dad hadn't wanted him

    to have a best friend, it was best not to stand in the way.

    Three other contestants shared their stories, all

    of which were much too ordinary to share with you now. The

    usual sadness and sense of belonging that everyone feels at

    some point or another. And then, all eyes turned to Betty,

    who had been so caught up with everyone else's stories that

    she quite forgot to prepare her own. If only they didn't

    live so far away, she would have given anything to be

    friends with them. But now Larry was calling her name on

    the microphone, louder each time with a hint of aggravation

    growing.

    "Betty, if you don't talk soon, we'll be forced to

    disqualify you. Which would be an awful shame, considering

    you're the only child to have qualified for the final

    round."

    "I don't...." Betty choked out a whisper. She'd

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    CHAPTER FIVE

    Chapter Five: Cotton is Soul Candy

    "You don't have what? A story? A microphone? A

    special edition collector's contingent American Girl Panda

    Bear? Speak up girl, speak up!"

    "I don't have any friends!" She cried.

    "Oh." Larry said.

    But now that the first words were out, Betty

    couldn't stop. It was like a single log had been removed

    from a dam and the flow had broken.

    "I don't have any friends. I don't have any

    friends. I do all the work for my sisters and mother and

    father and nobody likes me. Any doll I get is from the

    trashcan after my sisters throw it away and as soon as they

    see me with it, they rip its head off just to be mean. I

    know life isn't fair and I'm not angry with them, but they

    have friends.

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    I only want one friend. One friend I could call my own.

    A friend nobody could claim was theirs because everyone

    who's anyone would know it's mine. A friend I could tell

    all my secrets to, who we could climb up to the highest

    trees and eat softly from the bamboo leaves, who'd hide

    away when trouble was near and comfort me in my darkest

    fears. Whose hug would melt nightmares and stomach would

    always be open to share. From the moment I saw, I knew

    nothing could compare to an American Girl Collection Panda

    Bear."

    Betty's face was covered in tears. Her body shook like

    a hummingbird, each limb turning numb individually in order

    to tell her brain to cool it with all the talking. It was

    all she could focus on until the clapping hit her. Not the

    polite clapping from before, from all those sad lonely

    stories before her, but real, excited momentous applause,

    the kind reserved for last second winning touchdowns and

    gold-medal Olympic gymnastics. The crazy ladies were

    smearing their makeup as lines of purple and black poured

    from their eyes to their chins. The crowd circled around

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    Betty, pushing the other contestants to the sides.

    They chanted, "We will bear with you, as true as

    bamboo."

    Larry spoke up, "It seems the crowd has spoken. But to

    be fair, there are ten other contestants who have yet to

    go. Would any still like to share their stories, or can we

    declare Betty the winner?"

    The contestants looked from the crowd to each other and

    surrendered to the excitement. Nobody had the heart to

    wrestle a friend from a girl so in need of love. One by

    one, they offered Larry their resignations and joined the

    crowd. And as each one joined, the crowd's cheers grew

    louder.

    "Just one cock-a-doodle peacocking feather of a minute.

    You haven't heard from the great Queen Mathus of

    Ulickistein. Quit your gloating and parading, I've worked

    far too hard to be besmirched now."

    The crowd turned and glowered at the Queen. Her voice

    crowed, hanging onto random words for far too long, mixing

    up expressions in tongue-twisted finesse. She wore a tiara

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    studded with diamonds, a long blue frock with floral

    pattern, and a scarf of so many colors that Betty wondered

    if it fell off a rainbow.

    Her neck was as long as a Condor's wing, covered in

    multi-colored scarves to more properly resemble a homeless

    person's idea of rich people. She was covered in so many

    layers, a collage of ten crazy cat ladies rolled into one.

    And while the entire crowd slowly realized their jubilant

    celebrations were premature, she addressed them.

    "I've worked faaaaaar too long a slave in the city,

    dreaming ever since I was a young-in' even squatter than

    that girl to have a friend as close as you all. You think

    life's so difficult for a little girl with no friends? I've

    been without friends all my life. You think this princess

    thing comes easy? All I got is a bunch of cock-a-mamey two-

    bit suitors and a legion of enemies who dream of taking

    over my kingdom. This slimey goo-ball plays you for chumps.

    I'm the real victim here."

    Nobody knew how to respond, as all eyes turned to Larry

    to lead. He gave the why-are-you-looking-at-me? shrug, then

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    saying, 'You're a blight on the neighborhood Mathus. Get

    that grass cut already.' To have someone by who joins in

    adventures through the murky swamps of backyardia. A knight

    to slice mosquitos in half when they stand in the way of

    our treasure. Will you be my sidekick knight, Larry?"

    The crowd went wild for that idea, holding their Pandas

    above their shoulders and clapping their paws in silent

    applause. Larry squirmed his professionalism was being

    compromised.

    "Queen's are rich, right Mathus? Why don't you just buy

    an American Girl Panda

    Queen Mathus stuttered. "You can do that? My mother

    always told me 'money can't buy you love'. Are you saying

    she lied to me?"

    "It sounds to me like your mother didn't want you

    spending money. Almost every person in this room bought

    their American Girl Collection Panda Bear, and look how

    happy they are." Larry waved his arm over the throngs of

    smiling, make-up drenched adults in the crowd. "Don't you

    want to be like them?"

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    "I do I do. I had no clue. Making a friend is as easy

    as one, two." She whipped out a credit card rubber banded

    to her furry rainbow scarf. The crowd roared with delight,

    and Mathus roared back.

    Larry handed off the card to a service representative.

    On his way back, he whispered to Betty. "Don't believe

    everything you see. Money only buys happiness when everyone

    else has given up on you. You should never depend on money

    for love."

    "But she looks so happy." Betty said, as Mathus

    clutched her brand new American Girl Panda Bear. Mathus

    smiled radiantly at the crowd and they lifted their Pandas

    to welcome her into their group hug.

    "She found friends." Larry said. Then picking up the

    microphone to address the crowd, he said. "Without further

    adieu, I am thrilled to announce the winner of this

    extraordinary American Girl Collection Convention

    Competition. We are surrounded by the Panda elites, and

    this little girl has proven herself among the top ranks. We

    can all look forward to seeing her climb to ever-greater

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    heights. Please join me in welcoming Betty Hassen!"

    The crowd lifted Betty up and passed her around, above

    the heads of all. She floated on the fluff of a thousand

    custom stuffed, Panda Bears, each of whom had been

    absorbing the emotional power of a combined best friend

    diary for decades. The warmth and comfort atop cotton was

    incomparable. For the first time in her life, Betty felt

    full. The crowd wave cruised Betty back to the stage, where

    her Panda awaited her.

    Panda wore green suspenders and a blue belt imprinted

    in cursive gold lettering: American Girl Best Friend For

    Life. His face held a black nose curved toward two black

    eyes and a straight-laced mouth that said, tell-me-more.

    His hands and feet were lined with surface sensitive

    Velcro, able to attach to its owner instantly while easy to

    peel off. Betty hugged her Panda with instant attachment.

    Betty came home with a framed plaque asserting her

    unique relationship with Panda. Her sisters had given up on

    squirming but, finding conversation beyond taunts tiring,

    spent all three days listing things and people they

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    disliked. By the time Betty came home, her number one place

    had been practically forgotten by the dozens of others who

    had filled the time.

    "This is my Panda. If you hurt him or take him from me,

    there are a thousand adults who will help me. Everyone

    knows he is mine. I will keep doing your laundry and we

    never mention this weekend again. Deal?"

    "Alright, fine, whatever. Just let us out of here

    already. Do you know how long it's going to take to get

    this honey out of my hair?" Olivia said.

    "Happy Birthday Ashley!" Betty said. Finally,

    everything was as it should.