BLOOD PHOENIX

Written by

Ryan P. Stark

INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - CONFERENCE ROOM

A rectangular conference table that seats twenty sits in the middle of a elongated room with glass walls. Outside of them is the ocean floor, teeming with marine life.

RYAN STARK (BLOOD PHOENIX) sits at the head of the table, waiting for his guests to wake up from their drug induced slumber.

Slowly each begin to wake, disoriented, and unable to move, restricted by metal clamps holding their arms and legs.

RYAN STARKGood morning, gentlemen.

The disoriented captives start to regain their senses.

SYLVESTOR STALLONEBlood Phoenix!

On each side of SYLVESTER STALLONE sits BRUCE WILLIS and ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, they try to move but are unsuccessful.

RYAN STARKYes, it is I, Sylvester Stallone. Although I loathe that name, I cannot help what the media bestows upon me. The simple fact is that I am known, feared, and have the most followers on Facebook and Twitter than anyone in history.

Each of the men look around the room at their surroundings, at their fellow captives.

SEAN CONNERY, TIMOTHY DALTON, PIERCE BROSNAN, DANIEL CRAIG, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, SLYVESTER STALLONE, BRUCE WILLIS, JASON STATHAM, LET LI, JACKIE CHAN, WILL SMITH, TOM CRUISE, and STEVEN SEAGAL.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)I don’t believe introductions are necessary. I’m sure you all know each other.

Will Smith looks over at Tom Cruise and Steven Seagal, both are already dead, their heads hanging low with blood trickling out of a gunshot wound to the back of the head.

Will Smith cringes.

ON SEAN CONNERY, TIMOTHY DALTON, PIERCE BRONSAN, and DANIEL CRAIG.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)Fellow Bonds, there can be none more appreciative of this gathering.

Sean Connery speaks up, still dazed.

SEAN CONNERYWhat about Lazenby- and Moore?

RYAN STARKHa!

Ryan Stark points at a LARGE SEA SNAIL slowly climbing the glass wall outside.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)That snail would make a better Bond than Roger Moore!

DANIEL CRAIGI don’t know about that, I rather enjoyed Moonraker.

Ryan Stark pulls out a gun and shoots Daniel Craig in the head. Blood splatters all over Pierce Brosnan’s face.

RYAN STARKThat’s the worst! A laser battle in space? Please...

PIERCE BROSNAN(in shock)

D-Did you kill... W-What did you do to them?

RYAN STARKI had every intention of bringing your precious Roger Moore here too.

Ryan Stark talks directly to the lifeless body of Daniel Craig.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)Simply for the fact it has never been done before. All the Bonds in the same room, together for one glorious final moment...

TIMOTHY DALTONAnd?

2.

RYAN STARKDon’t test my patience, Timothy Dalton! I was getting to it! I rather liked you as Bond.

Ryan Stark regains his composure.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)Yes, I killed Roger Moore. He just kind of fell apart when I touched him. Lazenby on the other hand...

As Ryan Stark trails off, GEORGE LAZENBY walks through a sliding door behind him.

SEAN CONNERYLazenby, you rogue!

GEORGE LAZENBYPlease, Sean, spare me the ineffectual slander.

TIMOTHY DALTONWhy, George?! Why bring this shame to the Bond name?

GEORGE LAZENBYThe Bond name? The Bond name?! No one remembers the name George Lazenby! But they will...they will.

Ryan Stark looks at George Lazenby, rather annoyed.

RYAN STARKYes, George Lazenby, they will remember both our names.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER (O.S.)I kill you! I kill you!

RYAN STARKMy apologies, gentlemen. I admit that was a bit of a guilty pleasure, I didn’t mean to ignore the rest of you.

SYLVESTOR STALLONEWhat is it you want with us, Blood Phoenix?

3.

RYAN STARKThe rest of you are here because you are the only ones powerful enough to stop me. I like to be proactive that way.

Jackie Chan and Jet Li look at each other.

JACKIE CHANWhat pro-active mean?

Ryan Stark thinks for a moment for the right words.

RYAN STARKProactive, like, I wanted to kill you before you kill me.

JACKIE CHANOh. Okay.

WILL SMITHMan, you need to let us go. Ain’t no good gonna come from this.

RYAN STARKKidnapping you was a mistake, Will Smith. I had written down William Shattner, the letters got smudged, but that’s neither here nor there.

JACKIE CHANNeither here nor there?

RYAN STARKIt doesn’t matter, Jackie Chan! It means it doesn’t matter!

WILL SMITHHow you confuse me for some old white dude?

RYAN STARKIt wasn’t me, Will Smith! A former employee who shall remain headless made the blunder. You are zero threat to me. In fact, it is probably best if I let you go, so you can continue to produce spawn that slowly derails the credibility of the film and music industry.

JACKIE CHANCred-i-bil-

4.

BANG! Ryan Stark shoots Jackie Chan in the head.

RYAN STARKGod! You’ve been making movies in English long enough, learn it, Jackie Chan! What about you, Jet Li? Do you understand ‘shut the fuck up’?

Jet Li nods quickly.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)Lazenby!

George Lazenby pushes a button that sends the corpse of Jackie Chan through the floor and out of sight.

A few moments later it appears outside the glass in the water. Two large SHARKS quickly come into view and tear him limb from limb.

Ryan Stark puts two fingers on his neck, checking his blood pressure. Everyone remains silent.

Jason Statham makes eye contact with Sylvester Stallone, they nod.

Jason Statham pulls a paper clip from his sleeve and works on trying to undo the binds.

SYLVESTER STALLONE Alright, Blood Phoenix, you have our attention. What is it you want?

RYAN STARKWhat I want? Oh, is this when I go through my entire elaborate master plan with you? Revealing my every move, my goals, all to distract me from the fact that you are escaping?

SYLVESTOR STALLONEWhat? No-

RYAN STARKYes, Sylvester Stallone, I saw your little ‘wink wink’ with Jason Statham there. I can see his hand moving! I hear the sound of metal scraping against metal! Please, finish, Jason Statham. I want you to undo your binds.

5.

Jason Statham looks around cautiously at his allies. One more quick jerk of the paperclip and the binds are released. He lunges forward out of the chair and falls flat on his face, squirming around like a fish out of water.

JASON STATHAMI-I can’t move my legs! What have you done to me?!

RYAN STARKWhat I’ve done to all of you. I’ve severed your spinal columns just under the T12 vertebrae, thus paralyzing you from the waist down.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERArghrgaghagrhgag! I drive my tank over your balls!

RYAN STARKSadly, Arnold Schwarzenegger, I don’t believe you will be leaving this room.

BRUCE WILLISI guess this is it, pals.

Ryan Stark smiles.

RYAN STARKI always heard you three were the best of friends. (beat) Lazenby!

George Lazenby presses another button, releasing the bindings of all the men in the room.

They all plop to the ground, trying to crawl on their elbows toward Ryan Stark.

Ryan Stark and George Lazenby walk easily away from them to a platform that raises up about ten feet off the ground.

With a nod, George Lazenby presses yet another button-- water gushes into the room.

RYAN STARK (CONT’D)Don’t worry, gentlemen, we aren’t going anywhere until each of you have drowned.

ALLBlood Phoenix!!!!!!!

6.