stories | 1

SNEAKING UP ON GRANDMA

It was a hot August day and we were bored out of our minds.My brother and my cousin were five years old and I was nine."Let's sneak up on grandma," I suggested. My younger familymembers were game, as usual. Whatever I suggested, no matterhow crazy, they just went along with it. That's the power of beingthe oldest. The younger kids mistakenly assume that you knowwhat you're doing and that you'll bail them out if the shit hits thefan. You don't and you won't, but you figure they don't reallyneed to know.

Sneaking up on grandma was a game we played a lot because itwas so damn easy. My grandparents lived on the upper floor ofour two-family home in Brooklyn, and during the summereveryone left their doors open. That made it easy for us to sneakup and down the outside steps and into their house. Plus we gotto feel like spies. Or burglars. Either of those was better thanbeing snotty little kids.

My grandma was constantly on the move, and was easilystartled. That's what made her our prime target. My grandpa, onthe other hand, enjoyed sitting in his chair with a pipe and thepaper, and he was totally unflappable. Any time we tried to scarehim he would just laugh. Nothing is a worse blow to a young spy'sego than laughter.

But my grandma, she was the perfect victim. She would taketiny steps all around the house, dusting the furniture, fussing overbits of food on the carpet, and rearranging the knickknacks onthe shelves. You could hear her wherever she went. In thesummer she spent hours every day watering her plants on thefront porch. She was less than five feet tall and very fragile-looking. I wouldn't have been surprised to see her take off like abird when we jumped up behind her back and yelled at the top ofour lungs.

stories | 2

I led Jonathan and Josh through the back door and into theguest room of my grandparent's house. We crawled in on allfours, ducked around the door and crept down the small hallway.This was the hardest part since there was nowhere to hide, butluckily we made it through. We then crawled past my grandpa'sfeet under the kitchen table and tiptoed out of the open frontdoor. And there she was. Her back was to us, and she washumming, ripping dead leaves from her plants.

We snuck up behind her and stood perfectly still waiting forher to turn around. Once she did we all yelled, “GRANDMA!” andshe jumped back, dropping her watering can. She then had to sitfor a moment to collect herself. Poor woman probably had amini-heart attack every time we did it. Anyway, we laughed untilour bellies hurt while she told us off for being so sneaky. Thenshe gave us some cookies that we ate on the stoop. Fifteenminutes later we'd do it all over again. Eventually my parentswised up and sent me to summer camp.

I guess I really should have known better. A nine-year-oldshould know that scaring an old lady is not the best way to pass asummer day. But I didn't. Or if I did I didn't care. It wasn't untilmuch later that I realized how dumb we were being and howmuch our grandparents must have loved us if they never told onus. By then Grandma wasn't around anymore. I wish I could seeher one more time and instead of scaring her just quietly hug herand say, I'm sorry, Grandma. And thanks. ♦

be bored out of one's mind strašněsenudit|sneak up on sb tajněsek někomupřiplížit|she was game přišlojítojakovýbornýnápad(šladotohotaky)|go along with st svéztses(něčímnápadem)|assume předpokládat|bail sb out vytáhnoutzbryndy|the shit

hit the fan nastalprůser,začalobýtzle|spies and burglars špiónialupiči|either of

them kterýkoliznichdvou|snotty zde:usmrkaný

be on the move býtneustálevpohybu|startle vystrašit,vylekat|*prime target hlavnícíl|he's totally unflappable snímnicnehne|a huge blow to his ego obrovskáránaprojehoego|fuss over st rozčilovatse(lehce)kvůli|dust st oprašovat,utíratprachz|rearrange přeskládat|knick-knacks cetky,cerepetičky|fragile křehký|take off zde:vznéstse|scream at the top of one's lungs zevšechsilzařvat

*duck sehnoutse,přikrčitse|*creep plížitse|crawl plazitse|tiptoe jítpošpičkách|hum broukatsi|rip trhat,škubat|watering can konvičkanazalévání|collect oneself

otřepatsezněčeho|tell sb off vynadat|sneaky nenápadný,kradmý|*stoop schůdkypředdomem |wise up prozřít,prokouknoutsituaci|you should have known better jak jsimohludělattakovoublbost?|dumb hloupý|tell on sb prásknouttonaněkoho

p ř í b ě h y | 1

SNEAKING UP ON GRANDMA

Byl horký srpnový den a my se

příšerně nudili. Bráchovi a bratranci

bylo tenkrát pět a mně devět. "Pojďme

vyplašit babičku," navrhnul jsem.

Mladší rodinní příslušníci okamžitě

souhlasili, jako ostatně vždy. Ať jsem

navrhul cokoli a ať to bylo jakkoli

šílené, oni nikdy neprotestovali.

V tom tkví síla staršího dítěte. Mladší

děti mylně předpokládají, že víte co

děláte, a že pokud přijde nějaký

průser, tak je z něj vytáhnete. Vy ve

skutečnosti vůbec netušíte co děláte a

z žádného průseru je nikdy

nevytáhnete, ale říkáte si, že to oni

nemusí vědět.

Strašení babičky byla hra, kterou jsme

hrávali často, protože byla hrozně

snadná. Moji prarodiče bydleli ve

vrchním patře našeho

dvougeneračního domku v Brooklynu

a během léta tam nechávali všichni

otevřené dveře. Tím pádem pro nás

bylo snadné tiše vyjít a pak zase sejít

po venkovním schodišti a dostat se k

nim domů. Navíc jsme si přitom

připadali jako špióni. Nebo lupiči. To i

ono bylo lepší než být usoplené malé

děcka.

Babička se ani na chvilku nezastavila a

bylo snadné ji vyplašit. Proto se z ní

taky stal náš hlavní cíl. Dědu pro

změnu bavilo sedět v křesle s dýmkou

a novinami, s tím nehnulo vůbec nic.

Pokaždé, když jsme se pokusili ho

vylekat, jenom se nám smál. Pro ego

mladého špióna neexistuje větší

ponížení než smích.

Zato babička, to byla dokonalá oběť.

Věčně cupitala po domě, oprašovala

nábytek, kroutila hlavou nad drobky

jídla na koberci a přeskládávala různé

cerepetičky na policích. Šlo ji sledovat

podle zvuků, které vydávala. V létě

každý den několik hodin zalévala

rostlinky na přední verandě. Měřila ani

ne půldruhého metru a působila

nesmírně křehce. Kdyby vzlétla jako

nějaký ptáček vždycky když jsme jí

vyskočili za zády a ze všech sil zařvali,

ani by mě to nepřekvapilo.

Jonathana a Joshe jsem provedl

zadními dveřmi a vedl je do

hostovského pokoje v domě mých

prarodičů. Vkradli jsme se dovnitř po

p ř í b ě h y | 2

všech čtyřech, opatrně se prosmýkli

kolem dveří a plížili se chodbičkou.

Tam to bylo nejrizikovější, protože se

nebylo kde schovat, ale naštěstí jsme

to zvládli. Pak jsme se v kuchyni

proplazili dědovi kolem nohou a po

špičkách tichoučce vyšli otevřeným

hlavním vchodem. Tam už byla babi.

Stála zády k nám, pobrukovala si

nějakou melodii a otrhávala ze svých

rostlinek uschlé listí.

Zezadu jsme se k ní připlížili, naprosto

bez hnutí stáli přímo za ní a čekali, až

se otočí. Když se pak otočila, všichni

jsme zařvali "BABI!" a ona uskočila,

přičemž jí konvice spadla na zem. Pak

si musela na chvilku sednout, aby se z

toho vzpamatovala. Chuderka malá z

toho musela pokaždé mít mini-infarkt.

A my se chechtali až nás bolelo břicho,

zatímco nás babi kárala co jsme to za

nezbedné kluky. Pak nám dala pár

sušenek a ty jsme přímo na verandě

snědli. Za čtvrt hodiny jsme jí totéž

provedli znovu. Rodiče se nakonec

domákli co se děje a poslali mě na letní

tábor.

Asi to ode mě bylo hloupé a neměl

jsem to dělávat. Devítiletý kluk už by

měl mít dost rozumu na to, aby věděl,

že existují lepší způsoby jak trávit léto

než strašit vlastní babičku. Já to ale

nevěděl. Nebo pokud jo, tak mi to bylo

jedno. Až mnohem později jsem si

uvědomil jaké trdla jsme byli a jak moc

nás prarodiče museli mít rádi, že to na

nás nikdy nepráskli. Tou dobou už ale

babička nežila. Hrozně rád bych ji

ještě jednou naposled viděl – namísto

strašení bych ji objal a řekl jí, Promiň

babi... a dík.

f i l l - i n | 1

SNEAKING UP ON GRANDMA

It was a hot August day and we were bored out of our ___. My brother and my cousin were five years old and I was nine. "Let's sneak up ___ grandma," I suggested. My younger family members were game, as ___. Whatever I suggested, no ___ how crazy, they just went along with it. That's the ___ of being the oldest. The younger kids ___ assume that you know what you're doing and that you'll ___ them out if the shit hits the ___. You don't and you won't, but you figure they don't really need to know.

Sneaking up on grandma was a game we played a lot because it was so damn easy. My grandparents lived on the ___ floor of our two-family home in Brooklyn, and during the summer everyone left their doors open. That ___ it easy for us to sneak up and down the outside steps and into their house. Plus we got to feel like spies. Or burglars. ___ of those was better than being snotty little kids.

My grandma was ___ on the move, and was ___ startled. ___ what made her our prime target. My grandpa, on the other hand, enjoyed ___ in his chair with a pipe and the paper, and he was totally unflappable. Any time we tried to scare him he would just laugh. Nothing is a worse ___ to a young spy's ego than laughter.

But my grandma, she was the perfect victim. She would ___ tiny steps all around the house, dusting the furniture, ___ over bits of food on the carpet, and rearranging the ___ on the shelves. You could hear her wherever she went. In the summer she spent hours every day watering her plants on the front porch. She was less than five feet tall and very ___-looking. I wouldn't have been surprised to see her take ___ like a bird when we jumped up behind her back and ___ at the top of our lungs.

I ___ Jonathan and Josh through the back door and into the guest room of my grandparent's house. We crawled in on all ___, ducked around the door and crept ___ the small hallway. This was the hardest part since there was nowhere to hide, but ___ we made it through. We then crawled ___ my grandpa's feet under the kitchen table and tiptoed out of the open front door. And there she was. Her back was to us, and she was ___, ripping dead leaves from her plants.

We snuck up behind her and stood perfectly ___ waiting for her to turn around. Once she did we all yelled, "GRANDMA!" and she jumped back, ___ her watering can. She then had to sit for a moment to collect herself. ___ woman probably had a mini-heart attack every time we did it. Anyway, we laughed until our bellies hurt while she told us off ___ being so ___. Then she gave us some cookies that we ate on the stoop. Fifteen minutes later we'd do it all ___ again. Eventually my parents wised up and sent me to summer camp.

I guess I really ___ have known ___. A nine-year-old should know that scaring an old lady is not the best way to ___ a summer day. But I didn't. Or if I did I didn't care. It ___ until much later ___ I realized how dumb we were being and how much our grandparents ___ have loved us if they never told on us. ___ then Grandma wasn't around ___. I wish I could see her one more time and instead of scaring her just quietly hug her and say, I'm sorry, Grandma. And thanks.

f i l l - i n | 2

SNEAKING UP ON GRANDMA

It was a hot August day and we were [b]___ out of our minds. My brother and my cousin were five years old and I was nine. "Let's ___ up on grandma," I suggested. My younger family members were [g]___, as usual. [W]___ I suggested, no matter how crazy, they just went ___ with it. That's the power of ___ the oldest. The younger kids mistakenly [a]___ that you know what you're doing and that you'll bail them out if the ___ hits the fan. You don't and you won't, but you [f]___ they don't really need to know.

Sneaking up on grandma was a game we played a ___ because it was so damn easy. My grandparents lived on the upper floor of our two-family home in Brooklyn, and during the summer everyone ___ their doors open. That made it easy for us to sneak up and down the outside steps and into their house. Plus we [g]___ to feel like spies. Or burglars. Either of those was better than being [s]___[y] little kids.

My grandma was constantly on the ___, and was easily [s]___[ed]. That's what made her our prime target. My grandpa, on the other ___, enjoyed sitting in his chair with a pipe and the paper, and he was totally [un]___. Any time we tried to scare him he would just laugh. Nothing is a worse blow to a young spy's ego than ___.

But my grandma, she was the perfect victim. She would take tiny steps all around the house, [d]___ the furniture, fussing over bits of food on the carpet, and [re]___ the knickknacks on the shelves. You could hear her wherever she went. In the summer she spent hours every day ___ her plants on the front porch. She was less than five feet tall and very fragile-looking. I wouldn't have ___ surprised to see her take off like a bird when we jumped up behind her ___ and yelled ___ the top of our lungs.

I led Jonathan and Josh through the back door and into the guest room of my grandparent's house. We ___ in on all fours, [d]___ around the door and crept down the small hallway. This was the hardest ___ since there was nowhere to hide, but luckily we made it ___. We then crawled past my grandpa's feet under the kitchen table and [t]___ out of the open front door. And there she was. Her back was to us, and she was humming, [r]___ dead leaves from her plants.

We [s]___ up behind her and stood perfectly still waiting for her to turn around. Once she [d]___ we all yelled, “GRANDMA!” and she jumped back, dropping her watering can. She then had to sit for a moment to [c]___ herself. Poor woman probably had a mini-heart attack every time we did it. Anyway, we laughed until our bellies hurt while she told us ___ for ___ so sneaky. Then she gave us some cookies that we ___ on the stoop. Fifteen minutes later we'd do it all over again. Eventually my parents [w]___ up and sent me to summer camp.

I guess I really should have ___ better. A nine-year-old should know that scaring ___ old lady is not the best way to pass a summer day. But I didn't. Or if I did I didn't ___. It wasn't ___ much later that I realized how [d]___ we were being and how much our grandparents must have loved us if they never ___ on us. By then Grandma wasn't [a]___ anymore. I ___ I could see her one more time and instead of scaring her just quietly hug her and say, I'm sorry, Grandma. And thanks.