building and sustaining trust for leaders

BUILDING AND SUSTAINING TRUST2014 NH/VT NSH Spring Meeting

Kris Mailepors; MBA, CODPDirector of Organizational Development & Training

Catholic Medical [email protected]

@krismailepors

©Kris Mailepors; 2014

mailto:[email protected]

HOW DO I BUILD TRUST?What do I do? What should I do? What might I do wrong?

What about my Boss??

What does s/he do? What should s/he do more?

What does s/he do wrong?


NOW WAIT… WHAT ARE THE RULES?

TRUST: Choosing to risk making something you value subject to another person’s actions.

…Such as? opinions about policywork habitsthings we need“tricks of the trade”

Money, goals, promotions, your “good name,” your sense of happiness…..Yes, somewhat vague…©Kris Mailepors;

2014

TRUST & DISTRUST…DIStrustWhen you choose to NOT make yourself open to another’s actions.

General assessment: What is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation.

When we DIStrust, we look for ways to PROTECT what we value


TRUST & DISTRUST…When we DIStrust, we look for ways to PROTECT what we value

THE DISASTER OF DISTRUST:The strategies we use to protect ourselves get in the way of our ability to effectively work with others.


TRUST-------------------------DISTRUST• It is dangerous to trust this

person• This person may be a threat

to me (my job, my status, my reputation with others, my success)

• I can trust this person• I am safe with this person

Assessments about other person©Kris Mailepors; 2014

TRUST-------------------------DISTRUST• I am not safe• I can’t handle what this

person might do• I need to protect myself

• I am safe• I can handle whatever

happens• I can be open and

forthcoming

Assessments about self©Kris Mailepors; 2014

TRUST-------------------------DISTRUST• Fear, anger, resentment,

resignation, frustration.• Hope, curiosity, generosity,

care, compassion, happiness, satisfaction, confidence

Associated emotions…©Kris Mailepors; 2014

TRUST-------------------------DISTRUST• Defending, resistance,

blaming, problem identifying, avoidance, withholding information, expecting the worst, justifying protective actions, isolation, making cliques/alliances.

• Cooperation, collaboration, engaging in conversation, dialog and debate, listening, communicating freely/openly, supporting others, sharing info, offering ideas, expecting the best (optimism), open to criticism…

BEHAVIORS…©Kris Mailepors; 2014

TRUST-------------------------DISTRUST• Amygdala is warmed up

(primary defense system) and primed for danger

• Elevated levels of adrenaline, cortisol, and other fight/freeze chemicals

• Eroded access to neocortex: must rely on defense-related, pre-rogrammed patterns for decision making.

• Normal levels of oxytocin• Can access neocortex (higher

thought) and limbic system to make descisions and take action

• Can think on their feet.

Biology….Biology? Yes, Biology…©Kris Mailepors; 2014

TRUST IS BASED ON 4 THINGS:• Sincerity – Reliability – Competence – Care

Sincerity: honesty• You say what you mean and you mean what you say. • You ca be believed. •When you express an opinion, it’s valid/useful/backed up. Your actions align with your words.



Reliability• You meet the commitments you make• You keep your promises



Competence• You have the ability to do what you are supposed to do• You have the skill, capacity, knowledge, and resources to do your job



Care• You have the other person’s interests in mind as well as your own when you make decisions and take actions• The most important for building lasting trust; if they believe your hold their interests in mind, they will extend trust more broadly in the other three areas


BUILDING TRUST: SINCERITYOur behaviors aren’t always displayed in perfect alignment with our thoughts/intentions

• Be intentional about what you say to people: are your facts accurate/updated?• How committed am I to my requests/demands? Do I communicate my fingerprint in

the request/demand?• Check in: “is that what you expected?” “can we talk about what you need here?”• Your doubt-o-meter? Do you ever share your doubts and reluctance with your team?

“I’m not sure about this, but here’s what I think…”• Are you consistent? If you change your tune, are you open about it?• Ask people for how they see things to make sure they know what you were trying to

say…What’s your “open door” policy?


BUILDING TRUST: RELIABILITYHow do we handle our requests, offers, and commitments?

Common pitfall: If a request is unclear and you say “YES,” …others assume you have committed to do exactly what they asked…yet you won’t be clear on all the specifics. You now are at risk of failing…and you will begin to question how reliable the requests are.

UNINTEDED BREACHES OF TRUST


BUILDING TRUST: RELIABILITYHow do we handle our requests, offers, and commitments?

More effective requests: which is best?

Can you Please ____________________?

Why don’t you ________________? (or) ______________ needs to be done.

Your desk is a real mess. (request unspoken)


BUILDING TRUST: RELIABILITYCaution to the overachievers:

Every time you say YES to something, you are saying NO to something else. Careful that when you execute one request, you may be demonstrating poor reliability to other people.

Are you being asked to do too much?Commit-Decline-Counteroffer-Commit to commit

Don’t make drive-by requests

Sometimes “unkept” promises were never even made©Kris Mailepors; 2014

BUILDING TRUST: RELIABILITYSaying NO?Leaders should make it clear that people say no once in a while, and they should not be punished. If someone must say no, it’s an indication that they may need help.

We are all scared to be seen as someone who can’t deliver…but overcommitting can lead to breaches of trust…


BUILDING TRUST: RELIABILITY•Don’t say yes before you make sure you can do what is asked• If you get an unclear request, ask for clarification•Clarify details of the commitment when you are asking others to do things out of their normal habits


BUILDING TRUST: COMPETENCEThe desire to appear competent gets in the way of our ability to become competent

Have you ever worked with someone—and you thought s/he wasn’t competent to do their job?

How do you manage them? What do/don’t you TRUST them with?


BUILDING TRUST: COMPETENCE• Make a list to clarify to yourself the areas in which you are

competent• …would you share this with others? Why not?

• Define the STANDARD by which your competence is assessed (may need to collaborate). This is an exercise in CLARITY• When you don’t know something, do you ask? If you are the

highest ranking in the room, do you still ask?

• Do you ask OTHERS for direct feedback (not fishing for compliments)


BUILDING TRUST: CARE“We’re in this together”

When people believe you have their best interests in mind as well as your own (or at least some shared

interest like patient care, team advancement), they will generally extend their trust in many

circumstances (even if reliability, sincerity, and competence are incomplete or imperfect)


BUILDING TRUST: CAREWithout care:

• I may believe what he says,• He may keep promises• He may be competent…. BUT…• I won’t trust him to do (anything past this one thing)• I won’t let him know what I am really thinking…• I won’t let him know what I really care about.


BUILDING TRUST: CARECollaboration killer:

If any members of the team think some others don’t care about collective

interests• Conflict (overt or covert) increases and healthy exchange/debate fades.• People DIStrust their teammates’ sincerity, reliability, and competence


BUILDING TRUST: CAREDo you believe your supervisor has your interests in mind as well is his/her own?Do you have your team’s interests in mind as well as your own? How do you let them know this?Does your team have the team’s interests at heart? Do they even know what those might be?

What effect does it have on you and your work when you feel someone doesn’t have your interests at heart? (either ignoring or in direct opposition to…)


BUILDING TRUST: CARECultivate it:

Some degree of intimacy is fundamental to the assessment of care in a relationship. This can only come from a conversation about what is important to both

Listen to others; to what they say and what they are “trying” to say… (what’s the difference?)

Think before you speak: “what I am about to say, will it serve the person/team, or just me? Why/how will it serve them?”

What are your peoples’ interests & concerns? What are yours?

What do you expect from me? Here’s what I expect from you…


REBUILD?(Reina & Reina, 2007)1. Observe and acknowledge what happened (don’t justify or rationalize)2. Allow feelings to surface (fear, anger, frustration)3. Get support/give support 4. Reframe the experience (context; where do we go from here, with

concerns and what’s important in mind)5. Take responsibility (acknowledge your impact on this result;

undercommunication, took too long to address it, etc)6. Forgive yourself or others (in your own head)7. Verbally commit to let go and move on


WHOM DO WE TRUST?Transparent: open, easily readable, vulnerable. What you see is what you getResponsive: give timely and honest feedback openly so to help othersUse caring: whatever I say/do comes from my heart, but “sees” you, so my

behavior is compassionateSincere: be consistent, accountable, congruent.Trustworthy: honest, honor your word/commitments, manage your agreements

Do I need or want a trusting relationship with this person? (it can be no…then what)


TRUSTIn order to practice Sincerity, I should:

In order to practice Reliability, I should:

In order to demonstrate Competence, I should:

In order to practice Care, I should:


REFERENCESFeltman, Charles. 2009. The Thin Book of Trust. Bend OR

Reina, Dennis; Reina Michelle. 2007. “Building Sustainable Trust.” OD PRACTITIONER Vol.9 No.1.


building and sustaining trust for leaders

Leadership & Management