Revising messages

Keeping it clear

The goal of business writing is to express not impress

In order to maintain the clarity of the message, sender needs to make sure that the message is 1) simple and 2) conversational

One way to achieve clear writing is to use active-voice sentences that avoid foggy, indirect and pompous language.

Keeping it clear

Foggy Clear

Employees have not been made sufficiently aware of the potentially adverse consequences involved these chemicals.

Warn your employees about these chemicals.

To be sure of obtaining optimal results, it is essential that you give your employees the implements that are necessary for completion of the job.

To get the best results, give employees the tools they need to do the job.

Keeping it conversational

To achieve a conversational tone, sound professional but not stilted.

Avoid legal terminology, technical words, and third-person constructions (the undersigned, the writer)

Business messages should sound warm, friendly, and conversational – not stuffy and formal.

To sound friendly, include occasional contractions (can’t, doesn’t) and first person pronouns (I/we).

This warmth is appropriate in all but the most formal business reports.

Keeping it conversational

Formal Conversational

As per your verbal instruction, steps will be undertaken immediately to investigate your billing problem.

At your suggestion I’m investigating your billing immediately.

Our organization would like to inform you that your account is being credited in the aforementioned sum.

We’re crediting your account for RM78.

Keeping it concise

Main points are easier to understand in concise messages.

In order to keep message concise, writer should: Remove opening fillers Eliminate redundancies Reduce compound prepositions Purge empty words

Removing opening fillers

Openers like there is and it is fill in sentences but generally add no meaning.

These fillers reveal writers spinning their wheels until deciding where the sentence is going.

Question these constructions.About 75% of sentence-opening fillers can be

eliminated.

Removing opening fillers

Wordy Concise

There are three things I want you to do

I want you to do three things

It is important to start meetings on time

Starting meetings on time is important

Eliminating redundancies

Redundancies convey the same meaning more than once.

Redundancies to avoid:Advance warning

Contributing factor

Free and clear New changes

Alter or change Dollar amount Grateful thanks Past history

Assemble together

Each and every Great majority Perfectly clear

Basic fundamentals

End result Integral part Personal opinion

Collect together Exactly identical Last and final Potential opportunity

Consensus of opinion

Few in number Midway between Proposed plan

Serious interest Refer back True facts Visible to the eye

Reducing compound prepositions

Wordy prepositional phrases (WCP) can be shortened to single words.

WCP Shorter WCP Shorter

As to whether Whether For the amount of For

At a latter date Later In advance of Before

At this point of time Now Subsequent to After

At such time When The manner in which How

In accordance with By Until such time as Until

Despite the fact that although Due to the fact that because

Purging empty words (1)

Familiar phrases roll off the tongue easily, but many contain expendable parts.

Be alert of empty words and phrases: case, degree, the fact that, factor, instance, nature, and quality.

Purging empty words

Analyze these sentencesIn the case of the Halifax Gazzete the newspaper improved its readability.Because of the degree of participation by our sales reps, profits soared.We are aware of the fact that many managers need assistance.Except for the instance of Mazda, Japanese imports sagged.Student writing in that class is excellent in quality.

Purging empty words (2)

Avoid saying the obvious. Analyse these sentences:

When it arrived, I cashed your cheque immediately.

We need printer cartridges; therefore, please send me two dozen laser cartridges.

This is to inform you that the meeting will start at 2 p.m.

Purging empty words (3)

Clauses with that, which and who can often be shortened without loss of clarity.

Search for phrases, such as it appears that. Such phrases can be reduced to a single adjective of adverb, such as apparently.

Purging empty words

Analyze these sentencesChanging the name of a company that is successful is always risky.All employees who are among those completing the course will be reimbursed.Our proposal, which was slightly altered in its final form, won approval.We plan to schedule meetings on a weekly basis.

Revising for vigor and directness

Much business writing has been criticized as lifeless, cautious and “really, really boring”.

This boredom results not so much from content as from wordiness and dull, trite expressions.

Wordiness can be reduced while vigor can be improved by (1) kicking the noun habit and (b) dumping trite business phrases.

Kicking the noun habit

Some writers become addicted to nouns, needlessly transforming verbs into nouns (we make a recommendation instead of we recommend).

This bad habit increases sentence length, drains verb strength, slows the reader, and muddies the thought.

The table in the next slide shows how efficient, clean and forceful verbs sound compared with their noun phrase counterparts.

Kicking the noun habit

Wordy Noun Phrase Verb

Conduct a discussion of Discuss

Create a reduction in Reduce

Engage in the preparation of Prepare

Give consideration to Consider

Make an assumption of Assume

Make a discovery of Discover

Perform an analysis of analyze

Reach a conclusion about Conclude

Take action on act

Dumping trite business phrases

To sound “businesslike”, many writers repeat the same stale expressions that other writers have used over the years.

Your writing will sound fresher and more vigorous if you eliminate these phrases or find more original ways to convey the idea.

The table in the next slide shows the efficiency of improved expressions.

Dumping trite business phrases

Trite phrase Improved version

As per your request As you request

Pursuant to your request At your request

Enclosed please find Enclosed is

Every effort will be made We’ll try

In accordance with your wishes As you wish

In receipt of Have received

Please do not hesitate to please

Thank you in advance Thank you

Under separate cover Separately

With reference to about

Revising for readability

To help receivers anticipate and comprehend ideas quickly, two special writing techniques are helpful: (1) parallelism and (2) highlighting

Parallelism means matching nouns with nouns, verbs with verbs, phrases with phrases, and so on.

Graphic devices such as lists, bullets, headings, and white space spotlight important ideas.

Developing parallelism

Not parallel ParallelThe policy affected all vendors, suppliers, and those involved with consulting

The policy affected all vendors, suppliers and consultants

Good managers analyze a problem, collect data, and alternatives are evaluated.

Good managers analyze a problem, collect data, and evaluate alternatives.

Foreign service employees must be able to communicate rapidly, concisely, and be flexible in handling diverse responsibilities.

Foreign service employees must be able to communicate rapidly and concisely; they must also be flexible in handling diverse responsibilities.

Applying graphic highlighting

Spotlight important items by setting them off with Letter s, such as (a), (b) and (c), within the text. Numerals, such as 1,2, and 3, listed vertically. Bullets – black squares, raised periods, or other

symbols. Headings Capital letters, underscores, boldface and italics.

Applying graphic highlighting

Example

Without highlighting – Zalora attracts upscale customer by featuring quality fashions, personalize service, and a generous return policy.

Highlighted with letters - Zalora attracts upscale customer by featuring (a) quality fashions, (b) personalize service, and (c) a generous return policy.

Applying graphic highlighting

Highlighted with bullets - Zalora attracts upscale customer by featuring the following: Quality fashions Personalize service, Generous return policy.

Highlighted with numbers – Zalora advises recruiters to follow these steps in hiring applicants:1. Examine application2. Interview applicant3. Check references

Applying graphic highlighting

Highlighted with headingsZalora focuses on the following areas in the employment process: Attracting applicants. We advertise for qualified

applicants, and we also encourage current employees to recommend good people.

Interviewing applicants. Our specialized interviews include simulated customer encounters as well as scrutiny by supervisors.

Checking references. We investigate every applicant thoroughly, including conversations with former employers and all listed references.

Measuring readability

Experts have developed methods for measuring how easy, or difficult, a message is to read.

Robert Gunning’s Fox Index is one of the best known method that could measure long words and sentence length to determine readability.

The foggier the message, the more difficult it is to read and thus understand.

http://lfa.atu.edu/brucker/Fog.html

Checklist for revising messages

1 Keep the message simple

6 Don’t convert verbs to nouns

2 Be conversational 7 Avoid trite phrases

3 Avoid opening fillers 8 Strive for parallelism

4 Shun redundancies 9 Highlight important ideas

5 tighten your writing 10

Test readability

Proofreading for the finishing touch

What to watch for in proofreading Spelling – dictionary, spell checker Grammar – subject verb agreement. Tenses. Punctuations – make sure that introductory clauses

are followed by commas. In compound sentences put commas before coordinating conjunctions (and, or, but, nor).

Names and numbers – compare all names and numbers with their resources. Verify the spelling of the names of individuals receiving the message. Most of us immediately dislike someone who misspells our name.

Format – be sure that your document looks balanced on the page. Compare its format with those of standard document.

Evaluating the product

Encourage the receiver to respond to the message as the feedback will help writer to improve communication technique.