bye bye birdie script
TRANSCRIPT
EDWARD PADUTApresents
BYE BYE BIRDIEA Musical Com.dy
BookbyMICHAEL STEWART
MusicbyCHARLES STROUSE
Lyrics byLEE ADAMS
Music & Lyrics- dt"r?fi &it8i *[:tffit":::XXt Lee Adams
Property ofTams-Witmark Music Library, Inc.
560 Lexington Avenue New York, NY I0A22(2t2) 688-2s2s
ATBERT PETERSON
ROSE ALVAREZ
HELEN
TEEN CHORUS
URSULA MERKLE
KIM MACAFEE
MRS. DORIS MACAFEE
MR. FIARRY MACAFEE
MRS. MAE PETERSON
CONRAD BIRDIE
HUGO PEABODY
ONE GIRL
POLTCEMAN
REPORTERS
MAYOR
MAYOR'S WIFE
MRS. MERKLE
RANDOLPH MACAFEE
NA}ICY
GLORIA RASPUTIN
ED SULLIVAIV'S VOICE
TRAVELER
Cast of Characters
Young man in early thirties,President of Almaelou Music Corp.
Albert' s secretary, principal dancerand singer
Teenage singer, nonspeaking
Original cast had 1- 0 girls and 7 boys
A hyper-enthusiastic dark haired teenf riend and neighbor of Kim's
15 years oId, she is very pretty andquiie self-possessed
Mother of Kim and Randolph
Father of Kim and Randolph
Albert' s mother, the quintessentialtrMammatr
Rock Star
Kim's Itsteadytt
Member of TEEN GIRLS chorlls.Speaks Act T, Scene 4
f n N. Y. train statiorf..Speaks Act f, Scene 4
N.Y. & Ohio train stations.First Reporter, Third Reporterspeak. Second Reporter is anonspeaking cameraman
Of Sweet Apple, Ohio
Edna.Member of quartette, Act !, Scene 9
Ursu1a's mother
Kim's younger brother
Teen chorus. Speaks Act L, Scene 5
A big broad, tap daneing f'secretary,',Mae's choice to replace Rosie
Of fstage
Part of crowd in N. Y. train station.Speaks Act I, Scene 4 only'
MUSICAL NU}4BERS
ACT ONE
. OVERTURE nA'r (Orchestra w/TEEN GIRLS)A. Alternate OVERTURE ,Brr (Orchestra w/ CONRAD & TEEN GIRLS)
4.5.6.7.8.o
OPENING CURTAIN (Orchestra)II$[ ENGLISH TEACHER'' (NOSIE)AN ENGI,ISH TEACHER TAG (NOSIE)"THE TELEPHONE HOUR" (renlt CHORUS)THE TELEPHONE HOUR PLAYOFF (OrChCStra)''HOW LOVELY TO BE A WQIVIXIqII (KIM)PENN STATION TRANSTTION (Orchestra w/TEEN CHORUS)
''PUT ON A HAPPY FACE" (ar,eERT)"A HEALTHY, NORMAL, AMERICAII BOY" (aLeERT, ROSTE, TEEN& ADULT CHORUS)
10. PENN STATION TO SWEET APPLE (TEBN & ADULT CHORUS)1]-. SWEET APPLE BA}ilD (IUEN CHORUS)7-2. "ONE BOY" (XrM, TWO GrRLS & ROSrE)13. SWEET APPLE STATION (Orchestra underscoring)L4. 'IHONESTLY SINCERE'I (CONRAD & CHORUS)15. WOUNDED (URSULA, DEBORAH SUE & MARGIE)15. ''HYMN FOR A SUNDAY EVENING'' ED SULLIVAI\T (TUU 4 MacAFEES
& CHORUS)L7 . HUNDRED WAYS BALLET (OrcheSTrA)18 . T. V. THEME (FAMARE) (Orchestra)19. ''ONE LAST KISSI' (COTTIRAD, MALE QUARTET, ALBERT, TEEN
CHORUS, PRINCIPALS & ADULT CHORUS)
ACT II
20 . ENTR'ACTE rtArr (Orchestra)2 0A. Alternat.e ENTR', ACTE il B il (Orchest ra w / TEEN GIRLS )
2L. "14fi[f DrD r EVER SEE rN HrM" (ROSTE & KrM)22. SEE IN HIM UNDERSCORE (OTChCSITA)23. SEE IN HIM REPRISE (NOSIE)24. IIA LOT OF LIVIN' TO DOII (CONRAD, KIM & TEEN CHORUS)25 . il KrDS r' (mn . & MRS . MaCAFEE )
25 . KIDS Scene Change (Orchest,ra )
27 . |'BABY, TALK TO ME'' (er,eERT & MALE QUARTET)28. TRANSITION TO SHRINER'S (Orchestra)29 . SHRTNER, S BALLET (Orchest,rA)30. SHRINER'S PLAYOFF (Orchestra)31. GLORY HALLELUJAI{ (OrCheSIrA)32 . KIDS REPRISE (AOULT CHORUS, MR. & MRS. MacAFEE &
& RANDOLPH)33. LAMONT CRANSTON TO ICdHOUSE (Scene Change Orchestra)34. ICE HOUSE LIVIN' (TEEN CHORUS)3 5 . AIV ENGLI SH TEACHER REPRI SE ( ROS I E )
3 5 . 't g PffrJI SH ROSE " (nOS IE )
i7. MORNTNG (orchest,ra)38. HAND CAR (TNEN CHORUS GIRLS)3 9 . 'I ROS IE '' (AT,EERT & ROS IE )
40. FfNALE (Orchestra)4]-. BOWS AIUD EXIT MUS IC (Orchest,ra )
1123
SCENES
ACT I
Scene 1 : Office of Almaelou Music, New York
Scene 2: Sweet Apple, Ohio
Scene 3 : MacAf ee Home, Sweet, Apple
Scene 4: Pennsylvania Station, New York
Scene 5: Railroad St,ation, Sweet Apple
Scene 6 : Courthouse Steps, Sweet. Apple
Scene 7 z MacAf ee Home, Sweet Apple
Scene 8 : Stage and Backstage Office,CettLra1 Movie Theatre, Sweet Apple
Scene 9 : St,age, C€ntral Movie Theatre, Sweet Apple
ACT II
Scene 1: MacAfee Home, Sweet Apple
Scene 2: Street Outside MacAfee Home
Scene 3 : MacAfee's Back Door
Scene 4: Maude' s Roadside Retreat
Scene 5: Private Dining Room,Maude' s Roadside Retreat
Scene 6: Back Door, Maude's Roadside Ret,reat,
Scene 7: The Ice House
Scene B: Railroad Stat,ion, Sweet Apple
TIME Present,
b/ ovERTURE "A"
ACT ONE
Film strip and TEEN GIRLS.
As the OVERTURE begins, we see fronLdrop with shot of CONRAD on it. Asmusic starts to build, w€ cut tovarious rapid shots of details ofCONRAD's face and body, interspersedwith shot,s of Kf DS reacting singLy,in groups, and f inally in mobs.KIDS screaming, shouting, dancirg,fainting, cLutching, tearing, jumpi*9,clima>Gd by a close shot of CONRADhimself, sideburns, wild hairdo,half-closed eyes, pouting lower lipand all. Then BLACKOUT.
TEENS(From pit with orchestra)
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH, YES WE DO !
WE IOVE YOU CONRAD,AND WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,WE'RE BLUE !
OH, CONRAD,WE LOVE...
(Orchestra and film strip continue)
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,AI\TD WE, LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,WE'RE BLUE !
WE LOVE YOU.
N
ACT ONE
Alternate Ovef t.ure
OVERTURE ''BI'
CONRAD and TEEN GfRLS.
In a production where the filmclip indicated in 1-0-1 is notfeasible, we substitute OVERTURE B .
Near end of OVERTURE music suddenlycuts out . . and over t,heatre P . A.we hear highly amplified recordingof Conrad Birdie as HE wails HIS waythrough the last, eight bars of analmost unrecognizable rock and rol Iselection. AlI t,he groans, sighs,grunts, etc. , forced through anecho chamber and accompanied by atwanging electric guitar. A f ewf rant ic seconds of thi s , t,henorchestra picks up the t,heme, a crashof music , cI imax, and BLACKOUT.
TEENS(From pit with orchestra)
I^IE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,AI\TD WE'I,L BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,WE'RE BLUE !
OH, CONRAD,WE LOVE...
wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,AIVD WE'LL BE TRUE !
CONRAD(Uighly- ampl i f ied, over t,heatre P . A. syst,em)
CH, MY BABY ! OH YEA}I !
OH, MY BABY ! OH YEAI{ !
WELL, YA GONNA BE SINCERE,WELL, YA GONNA BE SINCERE.
(Orchestra aI fine)
1--1-18
ACT ONEScene -1
THE OFFICE OF ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. fin New YorK. AT rise, ALBERTPETERSON, a nervous young man in HISearly thirt ies, i s t,alking excitedlyon phone, standing C.
E oPENTNG cuRTArN (orchesrra)
ALBERT. . . f know that , sir, but think of t,he disastrous ef f ect, thismight have on the morale of the American teenager ! No, I amnot, suggest ing the boy doesn' t want Lo go into t he Army I I t ' sjust, that,...No, I'rTr not t,rying Lo...Wefl, it seemed t,o methat. . . Two weeks f rom today? AE the Induct,ion Center? He'11be t,here.
(Hg hangs up as ROS IE bri skly ent ers )
Rosie, thank God you've come ! This is the end of the A1maelouMusic Corporat.ion ! Conrad Birdie is going int,o the Army I
ROS IEAnd your f aithful secretary is hereby submitting. . .
(Sf apping let,ter down on HIS desk). . . her resignation !
(Starts to Jeave)
ALBERTHah?
ROS IEI j ust dropped in t,o say goodbye, Albert , darl-ing.
(Sge btows HIM a kiss). . . Lots of luck !
(SHe goes to door. ALBERT stops HER)
Rosie, you can't ! Not(Runs to HISf rant, ical ly
My pills, where are mywhen I'm overwrought, .
ALBERTtoday of all days !
desk. Lookst hrougrh drawers )
pi 11s The l itt le whi-te ones I take
ROS IE(Picking up bottle from deskand handing HIM one)
Here
I-L-29
ALBERTNot, so much. Break it in half . .
ROS IEYou're t,hirt,y-three years ol-d, Albert. You can take a wholeaspirin.
(Un takes it, f rom HER. SHE goesUL t,o waLer pitcher, sLartspouring a glassful )
ALBERTI am not, thirt,y-three; I'm a long way from thirty-three; Iwon't be t,hirt,y-three till tomorrow... Wat.er!
ROS IE(Handing it to HrM)
It,ts no use, Albert,. My mindts made up. Irve been withAlmaelou eight years now and as you well know I've been a lotmore than j ust a secret,ary to you .
ALBERTRose ! Those were moment s of mad.ness !
ROS IEWell bet.ween t.he moments of madness and the of f ice I've put ina good. ninet,y hour week.
* ALBERTI get. You want a raise.
r r -5:::'ALBERT
Rosie , if yourre referring to anything of a more permanentnat,ure bet,ween you and me, I'rTr not ready for it. Besides,t,here are religious dif ferences.
ROS IESpanish is not, a religion !
ALBERTAnd if it, ' s part of the company you're af Ler, t,he answer is noto that, too! A1maelou is me, Mdmma, and Lou....And any changein it would kill that wonderful woman who bore me.
ROS IENothing coutd ki 11 your mot,her, Albert . Except maybe a s i lverbull-et, !
5
1-L-3L0
ALBERT(Hg rises and goes to HER)
And I won't drop poor o1d Lou either. He loved you,
ROS IEhe was warm, he was loyal,
six years ago and, besides,
part of the company. This is
I loved Lou, too, stf reloveable, but he diedwire-haired terrier.
(Hn walks L)Anyhow , I don't want amuch more import,ant. . .
hehe
Rose !
waswas a
somet,hing
ALBERT
to discuss what I think you're going toto discuss it !
desk)
ROS IE(Goes to HIM)
There' s nothing to discuss, Albert, . eonrad Birdie' s going inthe Army; I've quit . There's nothing you can do but give upthe business and go back to college and get your....
ATBERT(Interruptirg)
...Rosie, I'm up to my ears in debt! Conrad's got a fifty-thousand dollar guarantee which I can't pay! And I've justtaken a severe overdose of aspirin. . .
ROS IEA1bert, this may be your last chance!
(uusic )
(Turns)Rosie , Lf you're goingdiscuss, I'rTr in no mood
(Sits at HfS
b_/ "AAI ENGLTSH TEAcHER''
ROS IEWill you listen to me, Albert . . . . I'm
HTS GOING TN THE ARMYIS THE BEST THING HE COUTD DOINOW YOU'RE FREE TO START TO DOWHAT YOU WAI{TED TO.
ALBERT? ALBERT! AL BERT!
I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD MEI SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR,IT WOULD 'JUST BE FOR A YEAR,BUT TT'S EIGHT YEARS, ALBERT !
EIGHT LONG YEARS, ALBERT!
serious !
a-r-411
ALBERTRosie, it takes time to build a business!
ROS IEIT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE,THAT'S I'IHAT YOU SAID,YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY,THAT, S IIIHAT YOU SAID.YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE,AIID GET ATIEAD IINSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM,YOU WERE GOING TO N. Y. f'. ADID BECOME. . .
(SUn runs to door. ALBERTdashes af ter HER. Music cont,inuesunder dialogue)
ALBERT. Don't say it, Rosie !
ROSTE(Shouts out the door)
An English teacher!
ALBERTRosie !
ROS IEAnd furthermore, he wrote poetryl
AI,BERTRose, please. . .
ROSIE( Closes door, backs HIMto center)
And in the N.Y.IJ. yearbook for L952 under I'AIbert Peterson'sfavorite piece of literature, I' you know what it says?(Into the phone)Litt, le Women! I
ALBERT(Sinking into desk chair)
f'm ruined in show business.
ROSTEAI\T ENGLISH TEACI{ER !
AIV ENGLISH TEACHER,rF ONLY YOU'D BEENAIV ENGLISH TEACHER !
WE'D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS,YOU'D GET A SUIqMER VACATION,A}TD WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEA}TS.
A MAN WHO'S GOT HIS I\4ASTERSIS REALLY SOMEONB !
HOW PROUD I'D BE IFYOU HAD BECOME ONE !
IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE !
I COULD HAVE BEEN MISSIS PETERSON,MTSSIS ALBERT PETERSON,MI SS I S PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON,THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.
OPTIONAL CUT
(Uusic out f or dialogue )
ALBERT( Suddenly ri s ing )
. . . Rose , T' 1l make a deal with you !
t,he money to pay Conrad' s guarant €€ ,
t,he red... .I' II dissolve the companyacademic life !
1-1-5L2
St,ay with me, help me getand as soon as I'm out, ofand go back to the
IT WAS GOODBYB, GEOFFREY CHAUCER,HELLO, WILLIAM MORRIS,GOODBYE, N. Y.IJ.HELLO, ALMAELOU, 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU WROTE CONRAD'S LAST HIT ''UGGA BUGGA BOOI'THEN I KNEW THIS WAS ITYOU WERE THRU WITH ENGLISH FOREVER.
A}T ENGLISH TEACHERIS REALLY SOMEONE,HOW PROUD f'D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE,] COULD HAVE BEEN MISSIS PETERSON,MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON,MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON,THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.
Albert, You're on !
(enO sHE goespicks up smal l
ROS IE
to HER desk,file drawer)
ALBERTwhi Ie , but I ' m sure that, by 1973 or ' 7 4
file on HIS desk)
Of course it may takeat the latesL, we' 1l .
(SHn s lams....What,ts that?
aaa
the
Somet,hing that 'sa name.
Pick what, name ?
ROS IEgoing to push that date up
ALBERTWhat are you t,alking about, ?
1-1-513
a few years. Pick
Who' s Kim
ROS IEAl I right , I' 11 do it f or you .
(SHn picks card). . . .MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age f ifteen, president andrecording secretary Conrad Birdie Fan CIub Number 27 48 of SweetApple, Ohio.
(Picking up phone)Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. The numberrs....
(neads from card). . . . Capitol 7 double eight two oh. And call me right back.
ALBERT(nising,'as ROSIE hangs up)
Now wait a minute! What's going on here?Whateverhername is?
ROS IEKim MacAfee, Albert, is what's going to send you back t,ocollege wit h the biggest hit song t,his business has ever seen !
fL's called "One Last Kiss!rt
ALBERTI never heard of it..
ROS IEYou havenf t. writt.en it, yeL .
(f-,eads HIM to piano , seat. s HIM). . . But when you do and when that one last kiss is from ConradBirdie on his way into the big cold Army for two long years andwhen he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at randomf rom one mi I l ion two hundred thousand hyst,erical teen- agers ,it ' 11 make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc !
(nuring speech SHE has placed a blankpiece of sheet music on t,he piano)
(nises)I tm beginning
ALBERT
t,o see it ! We cut the record here in NewRose,York.
*TakeApple
ROS IE
::::ad, that greasy bongo-playing car-thief to Sweet
ALBERTLet him kiss the kid.
6
And release the(sgs
Albert, you' 11your life !
(sHe
ROS IErecord. !
goes to HER desk, HE goesmake enough money to stay
sits at HER desk)
L-L-7L4
left )
in college the rest of
ALBERT(ttg goes right, leans overpiano to ROS IE )
Rose , Lt's wonderful I And I promise you, ds soon as this thingis settled, it'll be just the two of us, Rosel In perfectbliss ! f '11 get a job teaching English and. . . .(rr hirs HrM). . . Bliss ! Kiss ! That rhymes !
(nu sirs )
I wonder if anyone's ever used it before?(nnthusiastic again)
. . . Oh, what difference does it make ! ft'II be great for thesong! Oh one last kiss; it gives so much b1iss. . .what is yourdentifrice !
(lvtusic)
ENGLISH TEACHER - TAG (ROSIE)
ALBERTNo, that's too clinical . . . o
(ana as HE works away furiously atthe piano ROSIE looks at HIM andsof t ly begins to sing)
ROS IEA}U ENGLISH TEACHER,AI\I ENGI,ISH TEACHER,SOME DAY HE MAY BEAI\T ENGLISH TEACHER.
(The PHONE rings . ROSIE Xes L and answers it )
Yes? WeII, every phone in Sweet App1e can't be busyr what'sgoing on there? Kim MacAfee just, got pinned to who? Nevermind, M?ry, keep trying and call me right back.
(SuE hangs up)
THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LTFE!THEN T MIGHT BE MISSIS PETERSON,MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON,MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PET.ERSON,THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WTFE !
(f,fGHTS FADE as units move off L and R)
ftt rt
HELENHI , NAIICY !
NAIVCYHI , HEIJEN !
HETEN$IHAT'S THE STORY,MORNING GTORY?
NA\ICY1^11.11T, S THE TALE,NIGHTINGALE?TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO ArVD KrM !
ALICEHI , [,[,;ARGIE !
MARGTEHI , ALICE !
hIIIAT'S THE STORY,MORNING GLORY?
ALTCE14191T'S THE WORD,HUMMINGBIRD?HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO A}UD KTM?
L-2-81-5
ACT ONEScene _2
Immediately up on FIRST TEEN-AGER onphone. Through number lights pickup different KIDS, each indescribablycontorted into positions that de fygravity and physiology. THEY areeach seated in different cubicles ofa large multi - colored j ungle g1rm.Each cubicle has a phone so that KIDScan be assumed to be talking to eachother over a giant egg-box shapedcomplex. Their voices are young,piping, and f ul I of excitement .
Something big has happened in theirset, and THEY can hardly wait t,o passthe neuts.
r-2-9T6
HELEN, NAIICY, ALICE & MARGIEDTD THEY REALLY GET PTNNED?DID SHE KISS HIM A}TD CRY?DID HE PIN THE PIN ON?OR WAS HE TOO SHY?WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED.
FREDDIE & I(AFLYEAFI , YEAH.
HELEN, NA}ICY, ALICE & MARGIEr WAS HOPIN' THEY WOULD !
FREDDIE & I(ARLUH HUH.
HELEN, NANCY, ALICE & MARGTENOW THEY'RE LIVTN' AT LAST.
FREDDIE & I(ARLHE'S GONE.
HELEN, NANCY, ALICE & MARGIEGOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD !
IARVEYHELLO ! MISTER HENKEL,THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON,CA}] I SPEAK TO PENELOPE-ANN?
PENELOPEIS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM?
HARVEYPenelope .
PENELOPEI JUST IOIEW IT SOMEHOW !
HARVEYAbout the prom.
PENELOPEI MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP.
HARVEYSaLurd ay?
PENELOPEr CAIV'T TALK TO YOU NOW !
GIRLSGOIN' STEADY !
r-2-10L7
YOU KNOW IT! MAN!
GOIN I STEADY !
BOYS
GIRLS
IT'S CRAZY !
GOIN I STEADY !
BOYSMAN!
GIRLS
BOYSYOU KNOW IT!
SUZ TEIT WON'T LAST !
NOT A PRAYER !
SHE I S TOO COOL !
HE'S TOO SQUARE !
HARVEYHELLO, MTSSIS MILLER,THIS IS HARVEY .TOHNSON,CA\T I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE?
BOYSHIYA, HUGO !
HIYA, STUPID !
WHAT JA WANNAGO GET PINNED FOR?
GIRLSWELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED!
BOYSHEY, YA MEATHEAD !
GIRLSI WAS HOPINI THEY WOULD!
BOYSLOST YOUR W\RBLES?
GIRLSNOW THEY'RE LIVIN ' AT LAST I
BOYSARE YA NUTTY?
GIRLSGOIN I STEADY FOR. . .
I
I-2-r_1_1'.8
HARVEYHELLO, MRS. GARFEINIS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOT YET?
SOME GIRLSDID THEY REALLY GET PINNED?
OTHER GIRLSGOIN' STEADY !
SOME GIRLSI WAS HOPIN' THEY WOULD !
OTHER GIRLSGOIN' STEADY !
SOME GIRLSNOW THEY'RE LIVTN' AT LAST !
OTHER GIRLSGOIN' STEADY !
GIRLSGOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD.
BOYSIF YOU GOTTA GOTHAT'S THE WAY TO
BOYSWHEN THEY GOT YA HOOKEDTHEN YOU'RE REALLY COOKEDWHATCHA GONNA DO!WHATCHA GONNA DO!
GIRLS & MIXED COUPLESWELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED!I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD !
NOW THEY'RE LIVTN' AT LAST !
GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD !
GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,STEADY FOR GOOD!
BOYSSHE SAW HIM !
BOYSSHE DUG HIM !
BOYSSHE NAILED HIM !
GO!
GIRLSo-o-o-o-H !
o-o-o-o-H !
OH,OH,OH,
ooH !
ooH !
ooH !
ooH
BOYSMJ\N !
MAN!MAN!
BUH DEE DOO,
GIRLS & MIXED COUPLES
GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,STEADY FOR GOOD!
ALL GIRLSHE'S IN LOVE WITH KIM,KTM'S IN LOVE WITH HTM !
BOYSGOTN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,GOrN' STEADY,STEADY FOR GOOD!
GOTN' STEADY,GOTN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,STEADY FOR GOOD!
ALTOS & BASSESTHAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE !
THEY'LL BE HAPPY , T KNOW!GOIN' STEADY'S FOR ME.THAT'S THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO!
GIRLSGOTN' STEADY,GOTN' STEADY.
GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY !
OH YEAII !
BOYS & GIRLS
BLACKOUT
L-2-L219
BOYS & MIXEDCOUPLES
UH DOO WAI{,UH DOODOO WAI{OOH BUH DEE DOO.
GIRLSWHE-ELLWELL.DOO OO OOTELL !
WHE-ELLWELL.DOO OO OCTELL !
SOPRANOS & TENORSoH, YEAI{OH, YEAI{OH, YEAII
BOYSGOTN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY,STEADY FOR GOOD!
GOIN' STEADY,GOIN' STEADY !
N TELEPHoNE HoUR PLAYoFF (orchestra)
1-3-1-320
ACT ONEScene 3
As l ight, s come up , we see URSULAMERKLE, a dark-haired, hyper-enthusiastic young lady of about,fifteen, sitting in a window DLtalking excitedly on the phone.
URSULA. . . Kim MacAf ee, what do you mean you' re resigning f rom t.he FanCIub I f mean j ust because Hugo Peabody gave you his pindoesn't mean you have t.o retire from aII social lif e ! Goingsteady is ve ry import ant but t,here are some things moreimportant t,han very important and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club isone of Ehem
( fn event of a technical problem and MacAFEEhouse is not, in DS position, SHE may add: )
I mean , af ter a1I, where else can we girls gat,her toget,her toworship that wonderf ul creat,ure ? I mean , do you real i ze whatyou'd be giving up, Kim?
(the MacAFEE HOUSE has moved DS, the scrimis up and we see KIM UR in HER upst,airsbedroom. House is a Lwo-st,ory affair, bedroomupstairs, combination famify room and kitchendownstairs. KIM is a month or two older t,hanURSULA, very pretty, quite self -possessed)
KIM( Into phone)
I ' m so rry, Ursula , but, my mind' s made up . Of course , I' 11still play his records, but things like the Pledge and t,heConrad Birdie Scream are past me know.
URSULAYou're giving up t,he scream? You mean when Conrad Birdiesingrs, on t,elevision , You'rd noL going t.o go M!
(Tragical ly)....oh, Kim!
(Downstairs, MRS . MacAFEE has crossed Land fifLed the telephone through the lastof above . SHE now put, s i t down and cal l supstairs )
MRS. MacAFEEKim Dear, would you please get off the phone. r've got somecalls to make.
1-3 -742T
KIM(Cal l ing down to HER. )
A1 I right , Mot,her !
(fhen back into phone )
. . . . Sorry, Ursu1a , T 've got to hang uD . Ycu' 1I explaineveryLhing t,o the ot,her kids , won ' ts- y:u ?
UR.SULAI suppose I' 11 have t,o . 'Bye , K:n. . .
(SUf hangs up . KIM hrangs utr) .
URSULA leans out windcw). . . Kim, are you sure? I mean af ter all ! I mean realIy, Kim,are you absolutely sure?
KIM(ef so leaning . THEY eviCent Iy l iveright next, door t.o each ot her )
Positive. Af ter al-I, I'rTr f if teen years old and it's time Isett led down.
(Through t,he course of f ol lowing song,KIM puts on jeans, huge sweater, socksand baseball cap)
E "How LovELY To BE A woMAN"
KIMWHEN YOU'RE A SKINNY CHILD OF FOURTEENWIRED WITH BRACES FROM EAR TO EAR,YOU DOUBT THAT YOU COULD EVER BE APPEALING.
THEN HALLELUJAI{ I YOU ARE FIFTEENA}TD THE BRACES DISAPPEARA}TD YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH AI{D CLEARAND YOU HAVE THAT HAPPY, GROWN-UP, FEMALE FEELING !
HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN!THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTH WHILE,HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA,A\TD SMILE A WOMAN'S SMILE.
HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURETHAT'S ROUND INSTBAD OF FLAT,WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLEYOU'RE WHAT THEY'RE WHISTLING AT !
IT'S WONDERFUL TO FEELTHE WAY A WOMAN FEELS,IT GTVES YOU SUCH A GLOWJUST TO KNOWYOU'RE WEARING LIPSTICK A\TD HEELS
r_-3-1522
KfM (Continued)HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN,A\TD HAVE ONE JOB TO DO:TO PICK OUT A BOY A}ilD TRAIN HIM,AI\TD THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH,YOU'VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WAIVT HIM TO BELIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN LIKE ME !
HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOWTHE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS !
HOW MARVELOUS TO WAITFOR A DATEIN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES !
HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMANAI\TD CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN !
AND GO TO A FAI\TCY NIGHT CLUB,AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN!HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN-UP AIVD FREE !
LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN LTKE ME.
(As song ends lights come up on downstairsportion of house and MRS. MacAFEE goes tofoot of stairs. We also notice MR. MacAFEEquiet ly reading HIS paper, SR, orl stool )
MRS. MacAFEE. . . Kim, there' s a call for you. The operator said she' s beentrying to get through for nearly three-quarters of an hour!
KIM(Gets up. Puts on slippers behindbed so audience does not see them)
Thank you Doris. f'11 take it down there.
MRS. MacAFEEShe said it was long-distance and I can't imagine who. . .
(SHe stops)...What did you say?
KTM(es SHE start s downstairs )
I said, thank you Doris.(We see HER cLearly now and not,ice that,SHE is we aring those enormous,shaggy pink f ur scuf f s )
. . . There's no need to look so upset . It t s modern to callyour mother by her first name. ft makes the mother anddaught,er more like pals.
MRS. MacAFEEAnd your father?
1-3-1523
KIMf ' 11 cal l him Ha rry, natura I Iy .
(Un . MacAFEE looks up f rom paper, mut,t,erstrYgffirr, then laughs mirthlessly)
. . .By the way I think llarry t,ook the news about Hugo and Iawf uIIy we 11 , don ' t you , Dori s ?
(MRS. MacAFEE has to sit down.Meanwhile, KIM has gone to phone)
o . . This is she. Yes , I ' 1I wait.
MRS. MacAFEEI don't know. Yesterday I was a mother. Today f 'm a pa1 .
(Cets up and heads f or stairs )
. . .Are you sure you wouldn't like t,o call me Mom? That' smoderll .
KIMI'm sorry, but times are changing and you've got t,o go alongwith them or be lef t, behind with t,he old f olks !
(then casually). . .By t,he way, Doris, have you goL a cigarett,e? I seem tohave run out.
(UnS . MacAFEE hurries upsLairs, Lryingto hold back a sniffle. MR. MacAFEEhas risen from stool in kitchen SR, putdown HIS newspaper and crossed to KIM)
MR. MacAFEEI'm not an old man!
(SadIY), . . . I was eighteen in World War fI.
(ana HE exits. KIM has been listening onphone through this and as MR. MacAFEEexits we see HER expression change fromthat of a poised woman to a dazed child.Slowly SHE put,s down the phone. Then ina very smal1 voice. . . )
KIMConrad Birdie. . . is coming here. . . to kiss me?
(Then weakly)Dori s .
(a bit louder )
Mother. o.(a shout )
. . . .Mg$sl4-!-
MRS. MacAFEE(Running downst airs )
Baby !
(Grabbing KIM in HER arms). . . . Baby, what is itZ ! Wirat' s wrong? !
1-3 -L724
KIMIt' s Conrad Birdie, Mommy I He' s going to kiss me !
MRS. MacAFEEThat's nice, dear. Now you just put your head on Mommy'sshoulder.
(rHnY sit, on steps )
KIMYou don't, understand! Conrad Birdie is coming here to SweeLApple to kiss rne goodbye ! Oh, Mommy, Mommy I
MRS. MacAFEEI never thought I'd say it. . . But God Bless Conrad Birdie I
(the HOUSE is moving US, the Lf GHTS FADE,NO. 1 brown border comes on and we begint,o hear...)
E pENN srATIoN_jrRANSrrroN (orchesrra)
r-4-1825
n_/ PENN STATIONTRANSITION(Cont inued)
ACT ONEScene 4
Three plaintive VOICES shrillingwild1y in the BLACKOUT. SPOTLIGHTcomes up DR and we see threeidentj-calIy dressed TEEN AGE GIRLS,their Conrad Birdie but,t,ons ontheir 1apeIs, t,heir heads f lungback as THEY sai I int,o the f ort iethchorus of the same song.
TEEN TRIO & TEENAGE CHORUSWE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH YES WE DO!WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,AI\TD WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR USWE'RE BLUE!OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU!
(lrGHTS have come up and we findourselves in f ront, of TRAIN GATE,PENNSYLVAI{IA STATION. TEEN TRIOcontinues singing loudly asALBERT hurries on)
ALBERTHi girIs, sorry I'm late. Now let's go over the Birdie songonce more before we go down to the Lrain.
(the TRIO move C2 to join otherTEEN GIRLS waiting f or CONRAD.ALBERT not ices cloud of smoke,t akes cigarette out, of ONE GIRL' sm,outh, drops it on f loor andstamps it, out )
. . . Remember t,he Conrad Birdie Creed, dear . No smoking t, i 1you're fourteen. A1l right now, shall we try it?
GIRLS(as HE conduct s them)
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH YES WE DO !
wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD. . . . .
(Suddenly, ALBERT not,ices SAD LITTLEGIRL sLanding al-one DL. HE stopsthe singing and calls to HER)
L-4-1-926
ALBERTOh, l-itt1e girl ! You can sing with us if you want.
( Sttg doesn' t answer). , . What' s the matter wit,h her?
ONE GIRLOh she's just sad because Conrad's going into the Army andshe' 11 be too o1d for him when he gets out .
ALBERT(Looking again. SAD GIRLis no more than thirt,een)
I think she still has a few good years lef t, . Look, why don'tyou girls go on down t,o Track L2 and I ' 11 t alk to her .
(T}tgY go. HE shouts af ter THEM). . . And stay ouL of t,he bar !
(Uus ic st,art s )
(Then HE turns t,o t,he SADGIRL. Starts to HER)
Hi! I'm Albert Pet,erson, Conrad's manager.(No reaction)
. . . . Come on, now, that' s no way to be ! Things can't be thatblack ! Smile !
(luothi*g)LiEt, le gi tI , t,his is an adult, speaking ! I order you to smile .
(SttU t,urns away f rom HIMHE Xes L of HER. Gently)
. . . Please.
ba ITPUT oN A HAPPY FACE"
ALBERTGRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP,PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AI\TD CHEER UP,PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
TAKE OFF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY,rT, S NOT' YOUR STYLE !
YOU'LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL BE GLADYA DECIDED TO SMILE !
(Takes HER hand and XR to C)
PICK OUT A PLEASAI{T OUTLOOK !
STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN !
WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK !
SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN !
(UB kneels, hat, in hand)
a-4-2027
ALBERT (Continued)AAID SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE !
JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
(ltg sets HER on HIS knee butSHE rises and moves DR, still sad)
!
(gn f oIlows HER R, Lhen. . . )
PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
(SHg moves L to RC; HE follows)!
PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
(He sLrikes John L. Sullivan Pose )
A}TD TF YOU'RE FEELING CROSS AIID BICKER] SH,DON'T SIT AIVD WHINE !
(f,eaning to HER L )
THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AIVD LICORISH,(t,eaning to HER R)
AI\TD YOU'LL FEEL FINE !
(Taking of f HIS hat and creasing it,. . . )
I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMYSHE'D NEVER LAUGH OR SING!SHE WOULDN'T LTSTEN TO ME,
(Hg puts HIS hat, on HER head)NOW SHE'S A MEA}U OLD THING !
(SHe preens s1ighLly and moves L.HE follows and retrieves hat )
SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE,JUST...
(Un .pulls hat down overHIS head and. mugs )
. . . PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !
(ana as music conLinues, ALBERT danceswith t,he SAD GIRL in an attempt t,o cheerHER up. When HB finally manages topart,ially do this, HE turns R and f inds aSECOND SAD GIRL in a similar costume, wit,ha similar long face. ALBERT squares HISshoulders, dances wit,h them both. EXf TSwith SECOND SAD GIRL near end, then comesback to find FIRST SAD GIRL as gloomy asever. It is only when HE gives up, start,sof f L, and bumps int.o the proscenium t.hatSHE finally laughs. ALBERT is triumphant,HE twirls HER around, SHE sits happily onHIS lap as t,he dance ends )
ALBERT (Continued)(es catL , loaded with luggage start, s out f rom R2 )
. . .My gosh, there's our luggage ! Hurry up, Jittle girl; you'dbet,t,er get down to Track Twelve if you want tc see Conradbefore he goes !
r-4-2r28
Oh, boy !
double . . !
....Rosie!
(SAP GIRL runs of f L2 aS ALBERT crossest,o luggage cart which has started DSpushed by someone invisible behindaI l- t,he suitcases )
ALBERT (Continued)Wou1d you get that stuff down t,o Track Twe1ve on the
(Cart st,arts L in 1 and HE sees thatit is ROSIE pushirg)
What, are you doing !
ROS IEGet,ting our t,hings down to the station without any help fromyou, AlberL .
Rose, I 'fiI sorry.t,hings u.p. . .
ALBERTI don'L suppose a generous tip would make
ROS IE(Hands HIM the briefcase)
Albert , just take your briefcase and go down t,o that trainbefore any of those reporters talk to Conrad alone. You knowwhat, happened the last t, ime !
(tneINMAN has entered from L2 andremoved baggage cart t,hrough L2)
ALBERT(Handing briefcase back to HER)
You hang onto it, Rose. I've got to wait here for Mamma.
ROS IESpeaking of your mo!,her, AIberL .
dissolving Almaelou !
. have you t.ofd her about
I coul-dn' t Rosie
Of what?
ALBERTYesterday was the anniversary.
ROS IE
AI,BERT(taking of f HIS hat )
Lou. Six years ago he was hit on 1-81st St,reet and Broadway bya loaded beer truck.
(.lust t,hen an ear- splitting"YOOHOO" is heard off R)
Do you suppose that's Mamma?
ROS IEIt,' s either her or the all -c1ear.
1,-4-2229
Yoohoo !
MR.S . PETERSON(Ent,ering R2 )
(SUn is a Mamma in eveyy sense of t,heword. SHE wears a faded pink dress,a f abulous f uI I - length beige mink coat,and brown walkover shoes. SHE shovesHER way through a group of TRAVELERS)
(fHgY embrace. SHE staggers)Sonny !
ALBERTMamma ! What' s t.he matter?
MRS. PETERSONDon'.t worry about, me, sonny. I'm just, a lit,tle faint, fromthg subway....
ALBERTMamma, I told you to take a taxi .
MRS. PETERSONTaxi ! What, do I need wit,h taxis? I' 1I leave the taxis f or rftysuccessful- son. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subwayfull of foreign people wouldn't give you a seat if your lifedepended on it, but, what's the dif f erence; nowadays a mother islower than dirt, an)rway ! Here's t,he money I saved f rom nottaking the taxi; buy some candy wit,h it, .
(Looks at ROSIE)Who's she?
ALBERTMamma, you know Rose Alvarez f rom the of f ice.
MRS. PETERSONThis is Rose Alvarez? Pretty lit,t, Ie Rose Alva rez? I can, tbelieve it....
(fhen with an agonized shout)....Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something?
ROS IE(Trying to get out, crosses L)
Excuse me, Albert; I think I' 1l go see if Conrad's here .
MRS. PETERSONBy all means, Miss Alvarez .
(Putting HER arm around ROSIE). . . . Look at her, sonny. How nice she l-ooks. It's a wonder tome some older man doesn't, snat,ch her of f . A personabl-e maLLonlike that with brains and a few dollars. What, a catch you'd befor a convalescent . Goodbye, Rose .
(Extends hand . ROS IE t,akes it )
L-4-2330
ALBERTMamma, what I wanted to discuss wit,h you is sort of aboutRose. Maybe you'd better sit down.
Goodbye, Mae.
CalI me Mrs. Peterson.
(nOSIE exits )
WeIl, Mamma, Rose thinks,Almae IoLr .
(MRS. PETERSONWhat's the matter, Mama?
ROS IE
MRS. PETERSON
MRS. PETERSONWhy? I know my Sonny. He loves his mamma.to say anything t,hat would break her heart.
( Leve 1IY). . . What about Rose?
ALBERTWeIl, it's about Lou, too.
He isn' t goingGo ahead, dear.
MRS. PETERSON(es if struck. Calling t,o heaven)
. ...Lou. Where are you, Lou? Struck down by a beverage fconsumed f aithfully for thirty-two years.
(To ALBERT)What about Lou?
ALBERTand I agree, that I should give up
staggers )
MRS. PETERSONNothing' s the maLter. You killed me , that' s all
(Looking up). . .Lou, I'fiI coming. f tm on my way up.
ALBERTYou don't understand, Mdmma. It's just that Rose t,hought . . . Imean I thought....I mean...
(Giving up)Look, M?mma, here's some money. Take a cab home. The subwaysare too crowded.
MRS. PETERSONNot,hing is Loo crowded f or a mother. I' 1I take the I . R. T.That's the worst subway
(A1te.rna-te_ Ii4e Jor locales too Larf rom New York: ftl'l-I go during therush hour. That' s the worst t,ime . " )
Wait a minute, how many blocks is it after all? OnIy ahundred and seven. r' 11 wa1k.
L-4-2431
ALBBRTMamma. . .
MRS. PETERSON(as SHE leaves, filoving R)
Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Becareful crossing the street,. Keep your money in your insidepocket. Wear your rubbers. And eat a hot lunch. . .
(SHg i s gone DR . ROS IE has ent,ered L2through train gate in t,ime to witnessHER exit )
ROS IE. . . .AlberL, I thought you were going to break it to her senLly.
ALBERT( Sheepishty)
WeII, as a matter of f act, Rosie , T didn't teII her at, aII . Imean, she was so upset about my^ leaving I thought I'd beLterwait .
(Uus ic start, s )
ROS IEYou mean you didn'E. . . .?
POLICEMAN( Rushing in L1 )
He's comingl He's coming! Conrad Birdie's coming!
ALBERTCome on, Rosie ! Conrad' s coming ! And we can't let him t,alk t,ot,hose reporters alone !
ROSiEBut Albert, you promised me that. . . .
(I(f DS, REPORTERS rush by sayingt'Hef s coming! Conrad's cominq!")
ALBERTLater, Rosie ! Conrad needs me. Lat,er. . . .
(Screams and cries fill the air as PEOPLErush back and forth and now CONRAD BIRDIEand HIS GUITARMAN ent,er DL surrounded byKIDS, REPORTERS, POLICE. THEY pause CS .
A REPORTER start s to take HIS picture;CONRAD shoves HfM away. AJJ action issuspended as HE takes a comb from HfSpocket, combs HIS pompadour, then signalsHE is ready to pose. FLASH BULBS pop)
L-4-2532
FIRST REPORTERHey, how about answering a coupla questions, Conrad? Like howdo you feel about, going into the Army?
(ROSIE and ALBERT desperately shouldertheir way through the crowd j ust, asCONRAD is about to answer)
E ''A HEALTHY NQRMAL AMERICAI\T BOYI'
ALBERTHOW DOES HE FEEL?YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS?HE'S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOUSO I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS,HE FEELS BRAVE AIVD EAGER !
STRANGELY HUMBLE !
PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G. I . !
ROS IEHE WTLL GLADLYFACE THOSE BULLETS,FOR HE' S NOT AFRAID TO DIE.
TEENSFOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTAIVDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY,
NORMAL AMERICA\I BOY !
ALBERTAnd that' s why he volunt,eered f or. . . .
FIRST REPORTERVolunt,eered? I t,hought he was draf ted !
THIRD REPORTERAnd he appealed t,hree t,imes !
ROS IE(To TEEN TRIO)
Sing !
TEEN TRIOWE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
oH, YES WE DO !
wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
AIVD WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE!oH, coNRAD, WE LOVE YOU !
ALBERT(Applauditg)
Very nice !
L-4-2633
FIR.ST REPORTERWhat ' s t,he pitch on t,hat FicI lywood st,arlet , Conrad? Are yout,wo engaged?
IS HE ENGAGED?IS CONRAD ENGAGED?THERE'S ABSOLUTELYTO THE RUMOR HE'S
(Coming DLC)Hey, Mr. Peterson , givedrinking a lot ?
TRAVELER
us the real scoop:
ROSIE
NOTHINGENGAGED !
ALBERTSHE'S A REAL PAL, LIKE A SISTER,BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING !
AI\TD THAT EIGHTEEN- CAIU\T DIAMOND .
IT WAS .JUST A FRIENDSHIP RTNG !
TEENSFOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTA}IDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY,
NORMAL AMERICA}T BOY !
THIRD REPORTERThen why was her husband so mad?
ALBERT(to TEEN TRIO)
Sing !
TEEN TRIOWE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
AI{D WE', LL BE TRUE, HIrM. . .
ALBERT(as TEEN TRIO cont,inues hummirg)
I' 1l never forget Conrad's first words when he heard he' sbeen accept,ed into the Armed Forces . 'r Say, Mr . Petersofl, "he cried eagerly, I'Do you suppose I can get assigned tothe f ront - l ine t,renches ? That way I ' 11 be sure to getme one of those dirty j erries . . . t'
ROS IEAlbert !
ALBERT. . . . Or whoever's dirty this time I
Is Conrad still
L- 4 -2734
ROS IE(Quickly crossing L)
NOW LISTEN HERE !
THAT GOSSIP MUST STOP !
HE GOES TO CHURCH EACH SUNDAYAND HE DOESN'T TOUCH A DROP !
ALBERTHE'S AS DECENT AS A MINISTER !
HE' S AS SOBER AS A .JUDGE !
HE SUBSCRIBES TO EV'RY CHARITY !
AND HIS HOBBY'S MAKING FUDGE !
TEENSFOR HE'S A FINE UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY,
NORMAL AMERICA}U BOY !
(ELEERT and ROSIE force CONRADt.o HIS knees )
TWO REPORTERS(f n unison, ONE to ALBERT, ONE to ROSIE)
Is it, Lrue that, you found Conrad in a reform school?
ALBERT and ROSIETHAT IS A LIE !
A LIE THROUGH A}ilD THROUGH !
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM,HERE'S THE STORY, AIID TT'S TRUE!
ROS IE ALBERTHE WAS BORN TN INDO-CHINA, HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINTE,SON OF MISSTONARIES THERE, ON A THOUS$TD-ACRE FARMIVERY POOR A}UD VERY HUNGRY, FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY
PLATUTERS,WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEARI FULL OF GENTEEL, SOUTHERN CHARMITHEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO EV'RY EVENING BY THE RTVER,
HONG KONG,TO A WATERFRONT SALOON! IN THE MOONLTGHT, THEY WOULD
CROON !
THAT IS WHERE I HEARD HIM THAT'S WHERE CONRAD STARTEDS INGING , S INGING,
'NEATH THAT DIRTY HONG KONG 'NEATH THAT SWEET PLAATTATIONMOON !
TEENAGERSwE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
oH, YES, WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD !
AIfD WE'LL BE TRUE !
oH, oH,
MOON!
ADULTS, ALBERT & ROSIEOH, BEAUTIFULFOR SPACIOUS SKIES,FOR AMBER WAVESOF GRATN
L-4-283s
TEENAGERS ADULTS, ALBERT & ROSIECONRAD AMERTCA,WE LOVE YOU AMERICA,WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! GOD SHED HTSWE'LL BE TRUE GRACE ON THEE,
ALLFOR HE,S A FINE, UPSTAI\TDING,AV' RAGE, MODEST, PATRIOTIC,HEALTHY, NORMAL,AMERICA\T, AMERICA}I BOY ! !
TRAINMANAll Aboard
(CROWD waves; KIDS clutch at CONRAD as HE,ROSIE and ALBERT and GUITARMAN move UL andboard rear platform of t,rain now in view asmasking leg flies . As the song continues,the set begins to change from PENN STATIONIO IhC RAITROAD STATION aT SWEET APPLE, OHIO.Raincoated CROWD of TRAVELERS, REPORTERS andKIDS gives way to wel-coming CROWD ofbrightly dressed KIDS and TOWNSPEOPLE wavingpompoms . A ff Welcome Birdie " banner f liesin. VOICES change from the fulI sound ofCROWD at PENN STATION to shrill voices ofthe KIDS as THEY singr . . )
N PENN STATIoN To SWEET APPLE
TEENAGERS ADULTSWE LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! OH, BEAUTIFULOH, YES, WE DO! FOR SPACIOUS SKTES,WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD! FOR AMBER WAVESA}TD WE'LL BE TRUE ! OF GRATN. . .
oH, oH,CONRAD AMERICA,WE LOVE YOU, AMERICA,WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! GOD SHED HISWE'LL BE TRUE ! GRACE ON THEE,
GOD BLESS AMERICA FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTAI\TDINGAV' RAGE, MODEST, PATRIOTIC,HEALTHY, NORMAL,
ALLAMERTCAIV,AMERICA}U BOY ! !
1_-5 -2936
ACT ONEScene 5
SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION.
URSULA(On baggage wagon which comes in from R,with KIM as singing ends )
...Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple! Now before weescort you to t,he Town HalI where t,he Mayor himself is waititrg,I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you havechosen to bestow your f inal kiss upoll . . .and who wil] now leadus in reciting the Conrad Birdie Pledge ! Kim MacAfee !
(TEEN GIRLS scamper int,oposition below URSULA)
KIM ANd TEEN GIRLS(Cfapping their hands over their hearts)
I , Kim MacAf ee,(EACH GIRL gives HER own name)
. . . being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to beloya1 , courteous, steadf ast and t,rue, to Conrad Birdieand the United States of America both indivisible,with l iberty and j ust, ice f or al l !
(a greaL cheer, MUSIC, and TWO MEN stepf orward, lif t, CONRAD to their shoulders,circle and go off L, followed by TWO DRUMMA,JORETTES and CROWD, AtL singing...)
N SWEET APELE BA}TD
KIDS (TEEN CHORUS)FOR HE'S A FINE UPSTANDING,PATRIOTIC,HEALTHY, NORMAL,AMERICAII BOY !
( Repeat )
ALBERT(es music cont,inues )
Ros ie , you stay here . I ' m going wit,h Conrad !
But AlbertROS IE
1-5-3037
ALBERTI 've got to make Conrad' s speech f or him ! You get t,he bags ,stack ' em, and bring ' em to t,he house . If I see a t,axi I' 11send it back. . .
FoR ''Jl: f";ffi';;r;i*"};5: l
(ana ROSIE sighs, puts down HIS brief caseand through f oI lowing picks up t,wo of t heseven bags placed cent,er stage by t,heTRAINIvIAN and puts them on baggage wagon.KIM and last TWO GIRLS start, off left afterthe OTHERS. As THEY do , a BOY who has beenstanding apart from CROWD steps forward)
HUGO. . .Ki*, before you go , eould I talk to you for a minut,e?
KIMRight now? I mean, couldn't it wait? I'm in an awful hurryl
HUGOI don' t think so, Kim. It' s important .
DEBORAH SUEHugo Peabody, what's so important that you have Lo talk t,o herright now?
HUGO(eursting forth)
hlhat's so important,? I'1I tell you what's so important I Theday after I give her my pin she goes around kissing someoneelse , that,' s what' s so important, ! I want you t,o know f 'm quiteupset about, this. I've already had several headaches and anosebleed !
ALI CEWhy Hugo, T believe you're actually jealous of Conrad Birdiel
HUGOMe j ealous? I'm the opposite of j ealous . f'm very j ealous !
And I have every right t,o be . Kim' s my steady I
KIMThat's just it, Hugo, I'fil your steady! Oh I may admire ConradBirdie as one admires a f ar - di stant and unattainabl-e ideal .
But f 'm pinned to you, Hugo, and I don't, care how common andordinary you are, that' s how I'm going to stay I
HUGCYou're noL just saying that. to make me f eel bett.er?
1-5-3138
(music in)
M "oNE BoY''
KIMI mean eve ry word of it, Hugo. Conrad Bird.ie is j ust a f ling.A st,eady is f orever. . . .
(nnusic up and KIM sings as ROSIE sit,son suitcase and quietly listens)
ONE BOY,ONE SPECIAL BOY,ONE BOY TO GO WITH,TO TALK WITH,AIVD WALK WITH,
KIM & ONE LITTLE GIRL *oNE BOY, 'THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
TWO GIRLS *THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
KIM & ONE GIRLONE BOY,ONE CERTAIN BOY,ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH,TO JOKE WITH,HAVE COKE WITH,ONE BOY,NOT TWO OR THREE.
KIMONE DAY YOU FIND OUTTHTS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT,YOU NEED SOMEONE WHOIS LTVING .JUST FOR YOU.
TRTO (KIM & TWO GIRLS)ONE BOY,ONE STEADY BOY,ONE BOY TO BE WITH,FOREVERAND EVER,ONE BOY,THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE,THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
HUGO(as music cont,inues )
. . . .Oh Kj-m, I feel so much bet,t,er now! A11 t,hought,s of anosebleed have utterly vanished !
* Opti-onal : ALICE & DEBORAH SUE
1- 5 -3239
KIMYou were silly to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie may be a great,public figure but he doesn't make me feel all dizzy and faintwhen I t,hink of him. Only my steady does t,hat, . Why even whenI say his name I don't f eel a thing. Listen. Conrad Birdie I
Conrad Birdie.(ena it hits HER. Huskily)
Conrad Birdie. . .
(as SHE wavers, the other TWO GIRLS stepdown on eit,her side and take HER arms)
KIM & ONE GTRLONE BOY,ONE STEADY BOY,ONE BOY TO BE WITH,FOREVER,AIVD EVER,
KIM & TWO GIRLSONE BOY.THAT'S THE WAY TT SHOULD BE,
(es THEY start of f L1)THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
HUGO(stilf dazed)
The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy anda]-most faint....
(fo a surprised ROSIE)... .Arf.d you heard her, Iady! That boy is me!
(ana HE whirls a confused ROSIE aroundthen drops HER and st,art,s af ter Kf M.ROS IE is al-one , st,anding LC, sti 11holding ALBERT's briefcase. SHE looksoff L and sings...)
ROS IEONE DAY YOU FIND OUTTHIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT,YOU NEED SOMEONE WHOIS LIVING .]UST FOR YOU.
ONE GIJY,ONE SPECIAL GUY,ONE GIJY TO LTVE FOR,TO CARE FOR,BE THERE FOR,
(efuesy-strip music sneaks in and ROSIEdances as SHE begins HER usual j ob ofloading the luggage. Piece by piece SHE
1-5-3340
dances them f rom the pi le st,age center tot,he luggage cart R . SHE has a hard t imewith the heavy one, does a few bumps andgrinds as SHE carries over t,wo smal l make -upcases , finally comes t,o ALBERT's briefcasewhich is the last it,em lef t, . SHE picks it up,dances tenderly wit,h it, then suddenly becomesangry, hurls t,he brief case down, then regrett, ingwhat SHE has done, hurriedly picks it back up.SHE st,ares at it, becomes angry again and slingsit of f L . ALBERT, rushing on , cat,ches it )
ALBERT(as music cont inues )
Rosie, what's the matter ! ?
ROS IEI was j ust t,hinking of you, Albert . . . .
ALBERTNever mind thinking of me ! My speech! Where is it?
ROS IEIn the briefcase.
ALBERT(cives it to HER)
Good I Bring it along; the Mayor's almost finished talking.Come on !
(Hg dashes off L)
ROS IE(Sings as SHE follows , carring thebriefcase )
THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
(nOSIE, carrying brief cas€, hurries af terHIM. Through this the seL begins to change,and various PEOPLE come rushing by on theirway to t,he big event,. We hear fragmentsof conversations in the gathering darkness)
N SWEET APpLE srATroN (orchesLra underscoring)
REPORTERI' 11 go to the courthouse.
REPORTERI' 11 make Sure we've got a wire to New York.
FREDCome on, Alice I Conrad's over here !
1- 5 -344T
ALICEFred, did you bring the box for me to stand on?
URSULAMother, I'm going to t,ake you back home. ft's too crowded!
MRS. MERKLEYou'l1 have to drag me by t,he hair I
(lllusic out.
More PEOPLE pass by. We just hearVOICES and see the glow of theirf lashl ight s )
LEEPhy1lis, you know the doctor said you shouldn't go out incrowds.
PHYLLIS(From offstage R)
Shut, up and keep pushing that wheel chair I
(By now t,he scene has changed and wefind ourselves in front of the )
r-6-3542{
!
3
$
{I
ACT ONEScene 5
COURTHOUSE STEPS. Nothing other thana few steps, some columns, and animprovised platform up center.CONRAD, the M;\YOR, and the MAYOR'SWIFE are on it .
MAYOR. ..An,C so it is with great prid'e and prejudice, ds well as theusual pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you to our faircity and present you with this fourteen-carat solid gold key sogenerously donat,ed by men at t,he Sweet Apple Brass Works. Andas I present this key to you, Conrad Birdie
URSULA(Wit,h a wild shriek)
zuUU{! He said it! He said the name! W!
MAYORWhat happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie !
TWO MORE GIRLSruuuurAl{ !
MAYORIf you girls don't stop that I can't finish my speech!
URSULA(Running forward)
Who cares about your speech! We want to hear from Conradl(SUn Screamsas the CROWD shouts approval)
. . . Speak to us, oh beautiful one ! Tel-I us how you make thatglorious sound that even now, in anticipation of iL, hasreduced me to a snarling , Ta.ging, pdnting jungle beast !
M 'THoNESTLY srNcERE"
(CONRAD looks at GUITAR MAN R who strikesa chord and CONRAD huskily sings)
CONRADYOU GOTTA BE SINCERE!
(The MAYOR'S WIFE utters a weaklittle scream and keels over)
1--5-3543
MAYOR(t<neeling beside HER)
Edna ! What' t, the matter?
CONRADYOU GOTTA BE SINCERE !
MAYOR(Trying to revive HIS Wf FE. PullsHER up, SHE collapses wit,h rubberlegs t,hrough following)
Mr. Birdie ! What are you doing?
CONRADYOU GOTTA FEEL TT HERE, CAUSE IF YOU FEEL TT HERE,WELL THEN YOU'RE GONNA BEHONESTLY SINCERE !
IF WHAT YOU FEEI TS TRUE,(REALLY FEEL IT)YOU MAKE THEM FEEL TT TOO,(WNITE THIS DOWN NOW ! )
YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE,HONESTLY SINCERE,MJ\N YOU'VE GOTTA BE SINCERE !
MAYOR(es HIS WIFE whom HE has finallymanaged to revive , faints again)
Edna !
(Now the guitar is really whanging away,and CONRAD starts to move HIS body)
IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE,IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCEREIF YOU FEEI+ IT IN HERE,THEN TT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT !
CONRAD (Shouts)ooooH, BABY !
(CHORUS Screams)
CONRADOH, HONEY!
(CHORUS Screams)
CONRADHUG ME!
(CUORUS Screams )
1- 5 -3744
CONRADSUFFER !
(CHORUS Screams )
(KIM has entered R, followed by HUGO, whot,ries t,o get HER to leave . SHE waves HIMaway and is drawn to CONRAD)
CONRAD(Moving down a step, sings)
rN EV'RYTHING I DOMY SINCERTTY SHOWS THROUGH!r LOOK YOU IN THE EYE,DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY,IT'S AUTOIqJ\TIC! I'M SINCERE!
(Un goes back to top st,ep, Lhrows a bumpat MAYOR'S WIFE who goes over stiff as aboard this time)
WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE,I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE !
WHEN I SING ABOUT A GTRL,I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL,I MEADI I REALLY FEEL S INCERE !
(rcfU screams and faints into HUGO's arms)
IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE !
rF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE !
IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE,THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT !
CONRAD (SHOUTS)OH, BABY !
(CHORUS Screams)
CONRADoH, HONEY !
(CHORUS Screams)
CONRADOH HUG ME !
(CHORUS Screams )
CONRADSUFFER !
( CHORUS Screams )
L-5-3845
(COIURAD slowly moves down steps to DSCthroughout the following, wreakinghavoc as HE goes. Again singi*g)
CONRADYOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH, OH, OH,YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, OH, OH,OH, MY BABY !
OH MY BABY, OH YEAI{ !
OH MY BABY, OH YEAI{ !
(l bars orchestra under dialogue )
IVIR. JOHNSONHarvey! Harvey! What are you doing? !
MRS. MERKLEUrsu1a I Ursu1a ! Come back here t,his minute !
(es MRS. MERKLE goes af ter URSULA, L,henturns, gets a look at CONRAD and faints also)
CONRADWELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE !
WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE !
YEAI{ !
WELL YAWELL YA
TEENS
CONRADGONNA BE SINCERE!GONNA BE SINCERE!
YEAII !
WELL YAWELL YA
YEA}T !
OH MY BABY! OHOH MY BABY! OHWELL YA GONNA BEWELL YA GONNA BEOH MY BABY! OHOH MY BABY! OHOH MY BABY! OHOH MY BABYOH YEAII !
TEENS
GONNA BE SINCERE !
GONNA BE SINCERE!
TEENS
CONRADYEAI{ !
YEAFI !
S INCERE ,
S INCERE !
YEzu{YEAi{YEAi{
YEAI{ ! YEAH I
1--5-3946
(By now the stage is littered with bodies.Last to crumble is the MAYOR himself. AsHE sinks down, ROSIE and ALBERT ent,er fromL. SHE takes the key from HIS extendedhand and gives it to CONRAD. As applausestarts to go, ITlusic cue f or s low segue intonext number)
BTACKOUT
1,-7 -4047
ACT ONEScene 7
Behind the MacAfee scrim, whichshows outside of MacAfee house, dsby torchlight we hear the MEN ofSWEET APPLE bring home theirwounded and maimed. Music continuesunder dialogue into vocal.
MAN'S VOICEHarvey, where are yolJ. . . .
ANOTHER VOICESomebody help me with the Mayor's wif e !
THIRD VOICEThere' s a lady with slacks lying in the gutter. Who does shebelong to?
FOURTH VOICEMe. And leave her there.
GIRL'S VOICEI got a lock of somebody's hair ! I wonder if it's his.
MAN'S VOICENo it isn't, Ethel . And give me my hat !
(ana as VOICES f ade of f , another set ofVOICES begin to be heard. As lightsbegin to come up, w€ f ind ourselvesOUTSIDE THE MacAFEE HOUSE early nextmorning. MARGIE, DEBORAH SUE & URSULAsit huddled on the ground wearily singinginto the dawn)
N wouNpgp
MJ\RGTE, DEBORAH SUE & URSULAWE LOVE YOU CONRAD,OH YES WE DO!WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,A\ID WE'LL BE TRUE.
MARGIEI ' m tired, Ursula .
DEBORAH SUEWe've been here all night !
L-7 - 4I48
UR.SULAWe promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand t j-rnes didn' t,we? Well we've goL f ive thousand two hundred and sevent y- sixt,o go. So sinq !
(ana the three VOICES are raised in songagain as l ight,s come up behind scrim aridwe find ourselves in MacAFEE HOUSE. Thedining room t,able is elaborately set forbreakfast for one. Gleaming silver,sparkling china , a huge vase of flowers,the works. Downstage of this festiveboard, MRS. MacAFEE is hovering anxiouslyover MR. MacAFEE who is eating a hurriedbreakfast, on a small TV table. As thescrim goes up, KIM comes down the stairs)
KIM. . . .Daddy , T wish you'd hurry. I want to have all t,his messcleared away before Conrad comes down!
MR. MacAFEE(Wit,h contained bitt,erness as HE looksat the elaboraLe table beside HIM)
This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfasL .
And I int,end enj oying it t
MRS. MACAFEEYour f ather has a right to enj oy his eggs , Kim. But, f 'm surehe won' t mind if we j ust, quiet It start clearing away some ofthese other t,hings . . .
(ana as MR. MacAFEE tries to eat, KIM andMRS. MacAFEE begin snatching up bredd,butter , jam, salt, pepper, sugar, milk, andall the utensils . MR. MacAFEE makes futilegrabs at disappearing it,ems as MRS . MacAFEErattles on)
. . . . f know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but, Kim'sgone Lo a lot of t,rouble t,o f ix a special breakf ast f or Mr.Birdie and f want to make sure everything's ready and waitingfor him when he comes down. Af ter all he is a nat,ional f igureand I want, to show these New York people we know how to treat anational figure here in Sweet Apple. Of course it realIydoesn't mean that, much to me personally but. for Kim's sakeI....
(Through lasL of above THEY've pretty wellgotten everyLhing of f the t,able. KIM removesthe table itself . MR. MacAFEE reaches forthe table, and manages t,o grab Hf S two friedeggs. HE is holding them in HIS hands whenMRS. MacAFEE, still talking, reaches over andsnaps t,hem up in a silent but, ler)
There we are I A11 done I Did you enj oy iL, de ar? Good !
(Takes empty plaLe from HIM)Now if you' JI j ust, hurry along. . .
L-7 -4249
MR. MacAFEE(e pronouncement )
Doris, I am not, budging from this room til I get my coffee,smoke a cigarette, and read my paper !
MRS. MacAFEEOh I'm sorry, dear. I didn' t have t,ime to make your cof f ee,this morning. How about a nice warm Seven-Up?
(SHg goes to cabinet to get one)
RAI{DOLPH(f f M' s brot,her, aged ten, comingdown sLairs)
Morning, PB. Here's your paper. I hope you don't mind but Icut out a f ew st,ories about Conrad.
(Ana HE hands MR. MacAFEE a folded newspaper.MR. MacAFEE opens it . It is in shreds .
Quietly HE puts it, down and turns to HISFAMILY)
MR. MacAFEE. . . I have t,ried t,o run this house on a democratic basis . Ihave extended the privilege of self -determination t.o both thewoman I have martied, and t,he children I have sired....The votehas been denied no one for reason of age, sex, or polit,icalaf f i I iat iorls . There has been no taxat ion without,represent,ation, and open covenants have been openly arrived at !
(With mount ing angrer, risos ,moves to above table)
Last, night I gave up my room t,o a guest who repeat,edly referredt,o me as rrFat,s. rr Telephone calls were made on my phone to NewYork, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept in acamp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in anashtray. Outside my window three harpies shrieked We Love YouConrad f our thousand seven hundred and twent,y- three t imes I . . . Ihave j ust lost t,wo f ried eggs .
(tn ringing tones )
. . . Gent1emen, the democracy is over ! Parliament has beendissolved; the Magna Cart,a is revoked, and Nero is back int,own ! And you don't of f er an emperor a warm Seven-Up I
ALBERT(From upstairs)
Oh, Mr. MacAf ee ! I hope you won't mind keeping of f the phonefor a f ew minutes. We're expect,ing a long-dist,ance call f romNew York.
MR. MacAFEE(es HE exits R)
Pe rfect Iy al l right . I' 1I go out, and burn Rome .
KIIVlMoLher, what's wrong?
I-7 - 4350
MRS. MacAFEENothing, dear. Your father's just excited about Conrad.'s beinghere, that' s all .
RANDOLPH(Who has Xed L to bottomof stairs through above)
He' s coming ! He' s coming !
KIMHe' s coming ! I ' 11 get t,he eggs ! Mother, you call the kids I
MRS. MacAFEE(Calling off right)
Girls, he's coming! You'd bettbr hurry if you want to watchhim eat !
URSULA(untering R with MRS. MERKLE and theMAYOR's WIFE. OTHERS peer throughscreen door and window)
Here we are, Kim!
MRS. MERKLEI'm sorry, Doris, but we just had t,o come, too! We'11 st.andquietly back here.
RANDOLPH(From bottom step)
Here he is !
(Ana attired in a leopard-skin bat,hrobe,CONRAD comes slow1y down, crosses to beautifultable, looks at it, pushes HIS way to sink,f inds can opener, takes beer can out, ofpocket, punches it open. NOTE: Use warmbeer and shake it up so it realIy shoots up likea geyser. Drains entire can, burps, handscan to MRS. MacAFEE)
CONRADCaIl me for lunch.
(as HE crosses L, HE passes MR. MacAFEEwho has j ust, re - entered UC)
....Hi, Fat.s!(ana HE is gione up the stairs )
MR. MacAFEE(Xing R to MRS. MacAFEE)
Now look here, Doris . About, t.hat, boy. . . .
MRS. MacAFEEPtease, Hdrry, he's just shy. . .
I-7 - 4451
werl, if you ask me. . RS ' MERKLE
MR. MacAFEEAf ter all , Doris , Kim is only f if teen and I don' t, want her . . .
KIMPlease, Ddddy. Not in front of everybody!
MRS. MERKLEUrsula, we'd better go !
(SUn drags URSULA out R door andOTHER NEIGHBORS go with them)
MR. MacAFEEI don't care who's here. No ilI-mannered lout is going to. . .
(UnS . MacAFEE shepherds ALICE, MARGIE andPENELOPE out UC door. Following speechesall run t,ogether)
RANDOLPHTe11 'em, Pa !
MR. MacAFEEYou shut, up !
(He turns back R to MRS. MacAFEE, butRANDOLPH continues tugging at HISL sleeve)
MRS. MacAFEEHarry, you have no right to say t,hat. The boy is our guestand.. .
MR, MacAFEE(ro KIM)
This is my house and until you're eighteen. . .
RANDOLPHBut, Daddy...
MR. MacAFEE(To RANDOLPH)
I said shut up !
( furns t,o KIM)Unt,il you're eighteerl .. o.
RANDOLPHBut Daddy....
MR. MacAFEE(To RANDOLPH)
Will you leave me alone I ? I
L-7 - 4552
ALBERT(From upst,airs landing)
....Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kiml Randolphl Is this the way youwant seventy-five million Americans to see you?l
MR. MacAFEEWhat are you t,alking about ?
ALBERT(Comes down stairs, goes Lo MR. MacAFEE)
You' re all going t,o be on television with Conrad.
MR. MacAFEEOn te levi s ion?
ALBERTI just got the confirmation from New York. From Ed Sullivanhimself .
MR. MacAFEEYou mean we're going to be on the Sullivan Show? The EdSuI livan Sul l ivan Show?
ALBERTThaL' s right . They' re going to cut in on Sweet Apple thisSunday night at 8 :05, and you're all going to be on. That' swhy I beg you to put aside all petty differences. To thatgreat audience out there you're an American dream come true.And for the free world's sake, Mr. MacAfee, don't destroy_t,hat,dream !
(eLenRT exits ULC door;MR. MacAFEE is still dazed)
MR. MacAFEEMe on the Ed Sullivan Show....
(e chord, and transf ixed HE sings )
M "HyMN FoR A suNDAy EVENTNG', (Ba sullivan)
MR. MacAFEEED SULLIVAN !
(Sti11 not believing HIS ears)Me, . . Harry MacAfee. . . appearing with. . . .
(enother chord)ED SULLIVAI\T !
(lnnS . MacAFEE j oins Hf M. HER eyesare 91 azed as SHE s ings : )
L-7 - 46s3
MR. & MRS. MacAFEEED....ED SULLIVAI\T !
( Xf U steps bes ide themand j oins singirg)
ED....ED SULLIVAIil !
(RANDOLPH is caught too)
RANDOLPH MR. & MRS. MacAFEE & KIMED SULLIVAI{ ! AI{ED SULLIVAT{ ! ATI
ALL MaCAFEESED, ED,SULL, SULL,ED SULLIVAI{,ED SULLIVAIV,WE'RE GONNA BE ONED SULLIVAI\T !
MRS. MacAFEE & KIMHOW COULD AITY FAM'LY BE,I{AtF AS FORTUNATE AS WE !
ALL MacAFEESWE' LL BE COAST-TO-COAST,WITH OUR FAV'RITE HOST,ED SULLIVASI !
(UnS. MERKLE and OTHERS movereverent Iy in to j oin the I'4acAFEES )
ALL MacAFEES & CHORUSED SULLIVA}T,ED SULLTVA}I ,THEY'RE (WU'RE) CONNA BE ONED SULTIVAI\TAI{HHHH- -
(THEY sustain note as )
MR. MacAFEEI've got a wonderful wif e two swell kids a good j ob and,now, this !
ALLSOME DAY WE, LL RECATILTHE GREATEST DAY OF ALL,
r-7 - 4754
MR. MacAFEEEd. f love you! ! !
ALI,ED SULLIVAIV! !
(Orchestra, or1 appLause, plays a shortTAG which fades out as next scene isready)
BLACKOUT
1-8 -4855
ACT ONEScene 8
BACKSTAGE AT THE CENTRAL MOVTETHEATRE.A single work light illuminates it.ROSIE and ALBERT are aJone.
ROS IEWell, this is it, Albert. . . .What do you thlnk?
ALBERTIt l-ooks great , Rose ! Now there' s something I want to talk toyou about....
ROS TE( Interrupt irg)
Course it's been used as a movie house for the past thirtyyears but I think it' 11 be f ine f or t,he TV show.
ALBERTIt' 11 be swell, Rose ! Now what I wanted to say was . . . .
ROSIE(Again)
They're shipping down the cameras and lights today, andwhatever costumes we need we calf.. . o .
ALBERT(f inally taking HER by the shoulders)
Rose , I ' rTl sure everything' 11 be pe rfect !
(Leading HER left as BACKSTAGE OFFICEstarts in from L; it is a crampedlittle dressing room outfitted with atlpewriter)
...Now, if you'll just forget about the Sullivan Show for oneminute and come into the office there' s something veryimportant f want t,o tell you I About, . . . about you and T, Rose.
ROSIE(By now THEY are inside OFFICE)
You and me , Errgl ish teacher .
ALBERTRose, I'rt serious. I want, t,o tell you t,hat, I'm very glad youand I...and me...are out, here toget,her. Being away from NewYork, Rose...has made me see all kinds of t,hings in a different,light, . That's why I want, you to know I wrote Mamma and t,oldher no matter what, happened. . . I have decided to give upAlmaelou !
L-B -4955
ROS IE(Happi ly embraces HIM)
AlbetL, you didn't, !
ALBERTYes, I did, Rose. I wrote her the day we left, which leavesthree days and t,hree night,s for her tc get in touch wit,h me andso f ar not, a word! If you ask me, she's accept,ed t,he wholet,hing by r1ow.
(as HE Xes L above ROS IE ,
there is a knock at, the door.ROSIE sit,s at desk)
Come in.
MRS. PETERSON(Staggering in)
. . . .Three days and three nights on a Trailways Bus, but what'sthe difference, I'm only a Mother and for a Mother a Trailwaysbus is good enough.
(SHe pushes ROSIE out of chair and sits.ROSIE moves R above HER, and sit,s onhigh stool R through f ol lowirg)
ALBERTMamma, what are you doing here?
MRS. PETERSONDid you think I wouldn't come? A woman gets a letter obviouslywritten under the influence of drugs and she should stay athome ?
( Sttg di splays let L er , wrings bucketof water out, of it )
. . . Pay no attention. It's only a mot,her's tears.(SttB unf olds it and reads )
'rDear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved.Your friend, A1bert. rr
(to ALBERT)Almaelou is dissolved? Dissolve me I Who am I anyw ay? A sickold woman, probably won't last, the night. I just, want a simplestone, with one word carved on it...Al-bert's Molher. And don't,hire a limousine to get me to the final resting place. I' 1Iwa1k.
ALBERTMamma !
MRS. PETERSONAnd tell that Spanish f riend of yours I forgive her. Sheknowet,h not, what, she doneth !
ALBERTMamma, Rose is right here !
(ROSIE rises as MRS. PETERSONturns to HER. )
1-B-5057
MRS. PETERSONThis is Rose? I can't believe it. She looks like Margo whenthey took her ouL of Shangri-La.
(SHg leads ROSIE tosmall st,ool below desk)
For her own sake, AlberL, send her back to Tibet. And don'tworry about, a secretary. It, so happens I met on the bus aperfect, secretary. A wonderful ref ined girl on her way toAkron only I persuaded her t,o get of f here.
(SHB opens the door. GLORIA RASPUTf Nenters. SHE is a sensat,ional and verylarge broad dressed in tight floweredslacks with a matching bag and danglinga long white fox fur).
....Sonny, say hel1o to Gloria Rasputin.
GLORIAHi, Al ! Hey , you're cuLe.
ALBERT(Xing R few steps)
But,, Mamma, I don't need a secretary; I have Rosiel
MRS. PETERSON(Looking at ROS IE , now seat,edon l-ow stool of f plat f orm DL)
What, does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she'l-I begetting Social Security.
GLORIAWelI, lisLen. . . I don' t, j ust t.14>e .
ALBERT(Int,erest,ed)
You. . . do other things?
GLORIAI tap dance ! I figured r could help you with the secretarystuff , and you would help me get int,o show business. Hotdthis, honey.
(SHg hands fur piece and bag toMRS. PETERSON, crossing R to C)
. . .Mae, ean you hum Suwannee River?
MRS. PETERSONft' s my favorite selection.
GLORIAGet a load of this, A1 .
(ena SHE tap dances as MRS. PETERSONgaily -hums . Sort of Ruby Keeler- ish stepswith a Iot, of f eet - sf apping . SHE does
t--B-5r-58
many turns, each t,ime stopping with backto audience, finally ending in a fuIIf lying split , hand t,o f orehead in salute )
MRS. PETERSON(App1auding, ALBERT j oins HER)
Bravo ! Bravo !
GLORIA(Looking at ALBERT, big smile)
....We11, do I get the job?
ALBERTI do.n't know. f mean, you cert,ainly have wonderfulqualifications but . . . .
(Very subtly, GLORIA tries to getherself l;p...a wiggle here, a tinylittle push there. No soap)
. . . . I'm used to working with Miss Alvarez. However, as yousay, Mdmma, w€ are faced with a certain amount of extra workand ' ' ' '
(Hg has become aware of HER.SHE smiles casually)
Do you have to stay down t,here?
GLORIAFor a f ew minutes. Mae , gimme a hand, will you? A1 , 1rou pushfrom the other side . Easy now. . .
(UnS. PETERSON and ALBERTwork to get HER up)
MRS. PETERSONSonny, for the movies, they can always cut away while t,hey jackher up.
(GlOnIA stands triumphantly erect )
A1bert,, why don't you t,ake Gloria somewhere and see how f astshe types.
ALBERTWelI, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria coulddo them. IJnless it makes any dif f erence to you, Rosie?
ROS IEWhy should it, make any dif ference to me?
ALBERTAtta girl, Rosie. You just keep working and T'It go along withMiss Rasput in .
MRS. PETERSONI'11 f ind you a typewriter.
(SHg goes out)
l- - B -52s9
ALBERT(to GLORIA)
Do you use the touch system?
GLORIAWhenever possible.
(SHE exits. ALBERT looks back atROSIE, gives a silly laugh, thengoes out closing door)
ROS IBI could ki 11 him . I could j ust ki 11 him .
(the LIGHTS begin to f ade, there is a dimrattle of drums in the disLance and asMUSIC comes up and the BACKSTAGE OFFICEgoes off L we begin the HOW TO KILL A MANBALLET . In the course of the bal l-et , ROS IEdances out HER desire to revenge herselfon ALBERT. First SHE has HfM before afiring squad; then guillotined by an angryFrench mob , circa A Tale of Two Cit ies; thenalternately poisoned, st,abbed, and bombed;f inally 'rubbed out' by a gang of mobst,ers;and over his visible prot,ests, buried andsent f lying of f t,o heaven. At t,he end oft,he BALLET, ROSIE is sitting alone on stage,ALBERT J. PETERSON having been dispatched atlast. . . . in HER mind at leasL. SHE is sitt.ingsmiling to herself as HUGO comes on L3 )
M oNE HUNDRED wAys BALLET (orchestra-)
HUGO. . . .Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but, I'm looking for Kim MacAfee.I just want to tell her that she is not to kiss Conrad Birdieon that Sullivan Show tonight because if she does, I'1l-. . . .
(ROSIE hasn't moved)Miss A1varez .. . . fs anything wrong?
(He becomes alarmed)Miss Alvarez ! It,' s me ! Hugo Peabody ! Can f do anything f oryou, Miss Alvarez?
ROS IE( Slowly t,urning and looking at him)
. . . .Yes, Hugo , I think you can.
BLACKOUT
N r.v. THEME (r'axFARE) - (orchest,ra)
1,-9-5350
ACT ONEScene 9
In t,he darkness, the ED SULLIVANVOICE is heard. . . ,
SULLIVA}T. . . . So remember: Your surest way t,o the best, in color slidesis to insist on the new Kodak ! And now, the young man you'veaII been wait, ing to see . As you know, in j ust about f ourteenhours, one of show business' brightest talents is going off toplay a Very special engagement. And tonight, before he gioes,he wants to leave a cert,ain lucky young lady wit,h One LastKiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet App1e, Ohio,where a t,ypical American f amity, Mr. and Mrs. Harry MacAf ee andtheir children, Rdndolph and Kim, are gathered to bid farewellto a typical American soldier. . . . Conrad Birdie !
(As the VOICE beqins, the followinq takes nlace vervrapidl-y:
The LIGHTS come up , a pipe of TV lights f ties in in l-and the No. 3 Brown Border flies out, to reveal thatwe are again Backstage at the Central Movie Theatre.The TV STAGE MJ\NAGER rusheS on St2 To E. TWO STAGEHANDS bring red-curt,ained frame from SR3 and placeit on marks DSL, remaining in front of frame. THIRDSTAGE HAND quickly enters SL3 (ten or twelve feetbehind them) and Xes to SL3 and, with FOURTH STAGEHAND, brings second curtained frame from SL,3 andplaces it DSR. FIRST AUDIO MAN enters SR3 and SECONDAUDIO lfi\N enters SR1 wit,h boom. FIRST MAN Xes DS andTHEY do audio-test,ing bit.
FIRST WARDROBE WOMAN enters wit,h costumes f rom SL3,Xes to C to SM, who calls SECOND WARDROBE WOMiUIfrom SL1. SECOND WOMAN takes costumes from FIRST,Xes U and out SR3. FIRST WOMiU{ Xes and outSL1 . ThC FTRST TWb STAGE I{ANDS XC ANd OUT SL3 O
The QUaRTETTE of TOWNSPEOPLE enter SR2 and XDS. SMtakes them behind SL curtain frame. FIRST TWOSTAGE I{ANDS re - enter SL3 with " Present Day" f latwhich they open and set behind DSR frame. THIRD andFOURTH STAGE IANDS go t,o SLz for "RevoLut,ionary War'lflat which they open and set behind SL frame.MR. and MRS . MacAFEE, RANDOLPH and KIM enter SLI- .
SM hurries them behind SR f rame. MAYOR'S WIFE (oneof quartette ) comes from behind SL frame to C askinga guestion. SM pushes HER back. WARDROBE WOMAN
1-9-546T
ent,ers SR with comb and X to MacAFEE' s to do hairtouchups. WARDROBE WOMAN re-ent,ers SL3, X t,oMacAFEE's and FIRST WORDROBE WOMJU{ re-ent,ers SR3 andX t,o MacAFEE' s .
STAGE HAND stands by to pull curtain of SR frame.SM hurries to move boom int,o place. AUDIO MEN pushboom C. SM quiets group. STAGE HAND goes to SL2 andreturns with hand mike which HE t,akes DC for CONRADj ust as SULLIVAN VOf CE ends with t'Conrad Birdie . " )
MR. IvIacAFEE(sticking head between drapes of SR f rame)
Where' s Ed?
N (continued) T.v. THEME (TaNFARE)
(f'anFARE. SM motions CONRAD, dressed ingreen-sequinned Army unif orm , from SRI-,places him in f ront, of SR f rame, cues drapesopen and cues CONRAD t,o sing. KIM is in R offrame, RANDOLPH next to HER, MRS. MacAFEEseated next t,o HIM, and MR. MacAFEE stands toHER L. THEY are costumed sweet, Americana andthe f lat behind t hem is a t,ypical Mid-westernsmall-town home)
''ONE LAST KISSII
CONRAD(singitg)
oH, oNE LAST KISS,OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS,IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS,NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE,UH UH OH,GIMME ONE LAST KISS !
(SU cues KIM to step DR; CONRAD movestoward HER during the following: )
OH, ONE MORE TIME,OH BABY, ONE MORE TIME !
(es CONRAD moves R, HE clears MR. MacAFEEwho, subtly at firsL, begins to be awareHE is on TV. HE nudges MRS. MacAFEE. Firsta smif e, then a slight wave of HIS hand)
IT REALLY IS SUBLIME,OH, HONEY, SO SUBLIME,YOU KNOW I NEED YCUR LOVE,UH UH OH,GIMME ONE LAST KISS I
M
1,-9-5562
(COIURAD slow1y moves back L and MR. MacAFEEmoves MRS. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH further R sothat CONRAD doesn't cover HIM)
CONRAD (Continued)BA . . . . AA . . . . AA . . . . AA . . . BY,GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
BA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . BY,GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
OH, ONE LAST KISS,OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS !
IT NEVER FELT LTKE THTS,
(Un. MacAFEE can rest,rain himself nolonger. HE steps down bet,ween KIM andCONRAD and waves a big hello)
NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE,UH UH OH,GIMME ONE LAST KISS !
(SU cues cut of song , Lhe curtain closesand HE cues QUARTETTE who have come frombehind SL frame to DC. While the QUARTETTEsing, the WARDROBE LADIES rush on andchange costumes of IvIacAFEE' s to Revolut ionaryWar era. Stooping to be out, of camera range,CONRAD moves above QUARTETTE t,o stand infront of SL frame)
MALE QUANTETTETURN BACK HIST'RY'S PAGES !
GO BACK THROUGH THE AGES !
(fgnY move R to stand infront of SR frame)
SEE HOW BRAVE SOLDIER BOYS OF YORE
(tutacAFEE FAMILY are headed L to behind SLframe excepL MR. MacAFEE who escapeshappi ly t o j oin CONRAD be low f rame . STAGEHAI{D grabs HIM and pushes HIM behind framewith f ami ly)
SATD GOODBYE WHEN THEY WENT OFF TO WAR,....WENT OFF TO WAR,...WENT OFF TO WAR.,
(ROSIE dashes in SLI- with HUGO, stationsHf M j ust R of SR f rame to pu1 I Crapes andSHE exit s SR)
L-9-5563
. . . .WENT OFF TO WAR !
(QUARTETTE raise lef t arms on f inal word.SM cues cut -of f of t.heir song; cues HUGOto raise drapes and cues CONRAD to sing.MR. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH wear RevolutionaryWar uniforms and white wigs and the WOMENare in aprons and bonneLs. The f lat, behindthem shows a murky troubled sky and a redangry sunseL )
CONRADOH, ONE LAST KTSS,
(Stt cues KIM DL)
OH, GIMME ONE LAST KTSS,
(Sltt cues CONRAD toward KIM. MR. MacAFEEgestures SM for permission to move down.SM gesLures rrnorr. MR. MacAFEE istemporarily dashed. . . )
IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS,(Iutoving L t,oward KIM)
NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE,
(Un. MacAFEE, smiling, ffioves bet,weenKIM and CONRAD)
UH UH OH,
(He j aunt,ily slaps CONRAD on shoutder)
GIMME ONE LAST KTSS !
(COIURAD angrily shakes HIM of f and moves R.SM signals KIM to follow CONRAD)
OH, ONE MORE TIME !
oH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME !
(ffU Moves R)IT REALLY IS SUBLIME,OH, HONEY, SO SUBLIME,YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE,
(Mn . MacAFEE taps Kf M' s shoulder and s ignal sHER to move L so HE can take HER place.SHE obj ects, but does so)
UH UH OH,GTMME ONE LAST KTSS !
1-9-5764
(Un. MacAFEE moves down. CONRAD f orces asmile as HE sings t,hrough clenched teet,h.MR . MacAFEE , smi l ing engagingly at, camerabegins a jaunty lit,t1e dance st,ep)
BA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . BY,GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
BA. . . .AA. . . .AA. . . .AA. . . .BY,GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
(Un. MacAFEE breaks into a wild step;CONRAD Lries to hit HIM but drapes areclosed and WARDROBE PEOPLE pull MR. MacAFEEback through t,hem. CONRAD argues with SMunt, i I SM indicat,es HE i s lat,e f or nextshot, . CONRAD dashes DC. QUARTETTE is CSabove HIM. The SL frame has been moved UCand STAGE HANDS bring flat on which arepainted a group of flags to SC as backingf or f inal vignet te )
CONRAD (Continued)(as TEENAGERS sing 'rAaaah" in background)
OH, ONE LAST KISS,OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS !
IT NEVER FELT LIKE THTS,NO, NEVER FEIT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE,UH UH OH,GIMME ONE I,AST KISS !
(SfX TEEN COUPLES have come down on eitherside of CONRAD to f orm a V. RANDOLPH andMRS. MacAFEE have followed them and standjust R of C. MR. MacAFEE then comes infirmly held bet,ween t,wo BRAWNY MEMBERS ofthe QUARTETTE. MRS. MacAFEE hastily spreadsher skirt, trying t,o conceal HIS imprisonedwrists )
ALL (PNINCIPALS, QUARTETTE, TEENS)ONE LAST KISS,ONE LAST KISS,OH , GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
ONE LAST KISS,ONE LAST KISS,oH, GrvE ME ONE, LAST....
(rcf U has ent,ered L2 to C and DSt,o CONRAD' s right . Music silentpause for dialogue )
L-9-5865
CONRAD. . . . Okay, brace yourself, chick I
(gn Lakes HER in HIS arms. HUGO who isright beside them, can bear no more)
HUGOBrace yourseJ-f, Conrad Birdie !
(He hits HrM; coNRAD goes down)
KTMHugo! You hit him!
HUGO( f n f ront, of cameras )
He deserved it I He was a. . . Et Thief of Love !
(I(fU dashes of f L1 , followed by HUGO)
KIMHugo Peabody, I never want to speak to you again I
(UnS. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH dash of f L1 .
A DOCTOR is attending CONRAD on floor SC.ALBERT enters and comes D t,hrough frame C)
ALBERT(Fighting HIS way t,hrough CROWD)
f demand to know who's responsible for t,his ! Who Iet, that kidin here?
ROS IE(Who has appeared DR)
I did Albert .
ALBERT(Crossing down to HER)
Rosie !
ROSIEIt,'s a sort, of f arewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. Wearit in good healt,h.
(ana SHE start s out R )
ALBERT( Frant i cal ly )
Rosie I come back ! You can' t leave me here alone !
RCS I EYou' re not alone, Albert . You' re on t,el-evision !
(SHg exits R.. ALL f re eze. And ALBERTrealizes what' s happened. Suddenly HEturns on a da zzTing TV smile t,hen singsdesperately tc :he television audience. . . )
L-9-5965
(es HE tries .ooli:l5 in f ront of thefallen CONRAD)
FOR HE,S A FINE, UPSTAI.IDING,PATRIOTIC,HEALTHY, NORMALAMERICA}il BOY.
(fhe SM has been dashing about franticallytrying to get rid of the DOCTOR, to getCONRAD on HIS feet, to get CROWD to sing.THEY join ALBERT. . . )
FoR HE,S A FINE, UPSffi*DING,PATRIOTIC,HEALTHY, NORMJ\IJAMERICAI{ BOY !
(as CURTAIN IS DEScENDING, MRS. PETERSoNstarts doggedly in from L, clumps over toALBERT and beams adoringly at HER Sonny-boyas MR. MacAFEE throws a tremendous DinahShore kiss to audience. . . . )
ENp OF ACT-ONq
2-L-!67
ACT TWOPROLOGUE
N ENTR'Acrq "A" (orchestra)
LIGHTS DIM, ENTR'ACTE beginsas on screen we go Lo. . .
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS MEAXTS OFCOMMUNICATION. Beginning withstock shot,s of newsboys sellingextras, telephone operatorsplugging wires into switchboards,telegraph wires humming. . . gettingwilder and wilder as we go tostock shot of Wal l- St reet, in 1929with everybody huddling aroundticker tapes; wdr-time groupssecretly listening to radios, ladyreceiving telegram and fainting;pi lot being handed message , t,henrushing t,o t,hat, f amous cl ip of acanvas seven-winged bi -p1ane circaL9I2 , taking of f , then quiet, Iyfolding up into nothing; so on anCso forth, 9€tting progressivelyj erkier and more old- fashionedspeed as montage progresses.Building to climax as music doesthe same. erash of music.
BLACKOUT
M ENTR'ACrE ''8'' (orchestra w/TEEN GrRLS)
NOTE: In case film proj ection is not feasible,use ENTR'ACTE B in place of above.
TEENS(From pit with orchest,ra)
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,OH, YES WE DO !
wE LOVE YOU CONRAD,AND WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,WE'RE BLUE !
oH, coNRAD,WE LOVE YOU.
(Orchestra aI f ine )
2-L-268
ACT TWOScene 1
At end of ENTR'ACTE, CURTAIN goesup on KIM'S BEDROOM IN MacAFEE HOME.Music up as ROSIE sits disconsolatelyon edge of t,he bed.
^L/ rr WI{AT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? ''
ROS IEEIGHT YEARS ! EIGHT YEARS !
THAT'S HOW LONG I WASTED ON HIM...THAT'S ALL ! I'M THROUGH !
ALBERT DEAR, TO PUT IT SWEETLY:TO HELL WITH YOU !
(nises, goes above bed). . .That's right, the heIl with you! From now on it's justgoing to be me, Rosie, orr the town, singing, dancing, having aball, making up f or eight years of being in love with a Mamma-clutching , aspirin- split,t,ing six f oot tower of Jello !
(enA SHE heaves f irst suitcase on bedand begins t,hrowing clothes wildlyinto it )
WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?HOW DID I EVER GET IIIVOLVED THAT WAY?NOW THAT IT, S OVER I CAI\T SMILE A\TD SAY,WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?
BOY, I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB !
NOW THAT r M SAFETY ON THE GROUND AGAIN,NOW THAT MY SENSES HAVE BEEN FOUND AGAIN,WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?
IS HE TENDER? NO, HE'S NOT !rs HE THOUGHTFUL? NO, HE',S NOT !
AM I CRAZY? I^II{AT, S HE GOTTHAT I FOUND SO DA}4N APPEALING?
WI{AT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME?WELL, TO BE HONEST, HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE,BUT STTLL IT WASN'T WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE !
IT WAS ROUGH,FROM THE START,BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART...HOW DID I EVER,WHY DID I EVER,WI{AT DID I EVER. .
2-r-369
(ena SHE is so angry, SHE can't go olt.KIM has come in at end of above andnow tries to comfort ROSIE. Musicsilent pause for dialogue)
KIMDon't be upset, Miss Alvarez . AlI men can't be like that !
ROS IEEvery one of theml Except maybe Albert Schwettzer. And I'mnot his type. They're aII the same. From puberty tosenility. . . from Benedict Arnold t,o Mussolini. . .
KIMI never understood why Ingrid Bergman married him in t,he first,place.
ROS IEEgotistical, selfish human beasts !
KIMThen what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez?
ROS IE(Xing t,o above bed)
Use them!(uusic vamp in)
Let them be our playthings I While we live ! Sip from the cupof life I Mix the potion full strong and drain it to the dregs !
( SHg s lams down I id of sui t case .
Music out for next line)...How do you like them apples, Mr:. Peterson!
KIM & ROS IEDO WE NEED THEM? NO, WE DON'T!DO WE WAIUT THEM? NO, WE DON'T!
KIMWTLL WE LEAVE THEM?
ROS IENO, WE WON',T !
TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR?
KIM & ROSIEWHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM?HOW COUTD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE !
TAKE IT FROM US, WE'VE PAID A}il AWFUL PRICE!IT WAS ROUGH,FROM THE START,BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NA]LS, BROKEN HEART...WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN. . .
2-r-470
Hugo F. Peabody!KIM
ROS IEHah?
KIMHugo ! What, did I ever see in him? Why, he' s as bad as Mr.Peterson if not worse !
(Suddenly). . . Miss Alvarez, f 'm coming with you !
ROS IEKim, don't be ridiculous ! You're only fifteen !
KIMJu1iet was fourteen when she left home.
ROS IEAnd look vrhat happened to her ! Now look, Kim, why don't youhave some milk and cookies and go to bed like a. . .
KIMIt's t,oo late for cookies, Miss Alvarezl I want, to livelWe' 1I sip the dregs together I We' 11 help each other with ourpot ions !
E sEE JN H_rM - UNpERSCoRE (orchesr,ra)
(But ROSIE has already fled in terrorout the door and down the stairs asLIGHTS COME UP to reveal. . . )
2-2-571-
ACT TWCScene 2
DOWNSTAIRS IN TI{E MacAFEE HOUSE.As ROSIE starts downstairs, noiseis heard outside and CONRAD sLartsin front door, followed by ALBERTand MRS . PETERSON. . . aII babbling.
CONRAD(as HE enters)
. . . For t,he last t,ime, AIberL , I 'm okay and I don' t, f eel likegetting into bed! Now leave me alone !
ALBERT(es CONRAD starts toward kitchen R)
Conrad, be reasonable! You've had a severe shock and the bestthing to do is get upst,airs and
(Un turns to point t,o stairs and seesROS IE )
. . . Aha I There she is I The traitor t,hat stabbed me in t,heheart while my back was turnedl
ROS IE(Trying to get past HIM)
Get out of my way, Albert.
MRS. PETERSON(Moving L to stand between THEM)
Be careful, sonny! She may be armed!
ALBERT(By this time, CONRAD has grabbed acan of beer)
I can handle her, Mamma.(CONRAD Xes L to stairs; openingcan of beer, it squirts up in t,heair)
You go upstairs with Conrad and see that he get,s into bedl
(UnS . PETERSON starts up sLairs af t erCONRAD)
MRS. PETERSONWait f or me, Conrad ! I' 11 make you a nice hrct cup ofterramycin.
ROS IEA1bert, for the last time, will you let me byl I': gioing onthe town tonight, and I don't want to waste a:o::e: r.inute I
2-2-672
ALBERT(Quickly closing front door)
Not until I 've had my say, Rose . I j ust want, to let you knowthat t,hanks to Mamma's quick thinking, Lhe kiss will take placeaf t,er al l- . Tomorrow morning at, the rai lroad stat ion j ust,before Conrad leaves. . .
(Ve ry sat i s f ied with HIMSELF )
. . . So it looks l ike you' ve f ai Ied, Rose . As anyone must, f ai Iwho tries to buck A1 Peterson, one of the giants, the titans,one of the King Kongs of the music industry. .
E,
(lnusic comes up as ALBERT cont,inuesboast,ing about what, a world leader HEis, in pantomime, and ROSIE j ust looksat HIM as SHE sings. . . )
WHAT DID T EVER SEE IN HTM? II REPRISE
ROS IEWHAT DTD T EVER SEE IN HIM?HOW COULD T EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE?TAKE IT FROM ME I'VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE !
IT WAS ROUGH,FROM THE START,BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART...
ALBERT(af oud)
. . .Ar'r. Empire builCer! A Colosseus !
(ana ROSIE has had enough)
ROS IEOut, of my way. . .you def rocked English teacher!
(ana SHE let,s HIM have it, in the armwith a suitcase. "@j-" he yel-ls asROS IE strikes out t,he door)
WHAT DID I EVER SEE. . .
IN HIM !
(ROSIE hurries left as ALBERT limpsafter HER and bellcws off L throughwindow)
ALBERTRosie , eome back ! Do you hear me? This is King Kongr calling !
Rosie ! Rosie, I need you. Rosie, please come back !
ROSiC! ...(AS MACAFEES ANd RANDOLPH
enter f rom R, ALBERT'S t,oneimmediately changes )
2-2 -773
ALBERT (Continued),..And I don'L care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarezt you'rethrough here at, A1maelou ! Not, only do I accept yourres ignat ion, but f urt,hermore you' re f ired . And j ust rememberone more thing. Sticks and st,ones will break my bones but,names will never harm me. You big rat .
(es HE starts back from window)Sorry to do t,his in f ront of you , folks, but I've had to letMiss Alvarez go.
( Phone rings )
T' 11 get Lhat, .
MR. MacAFEEProbably Hong Kong again.
ALBERT(Picking up phone)
Hello, this is Albert, Peterson speaking ! I 'm sorry, Mr . Lew- sbut Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us. That' s right . .
(through t,he l-ast, KIM , el-utching a heavysuitcase, has appeared at the head of t,hestairs. The following is interspersed asSHE st.art s down and ALBERT cont inues onthe phone in pantomime)
. Miss Alvarez !
KIMWait for me !
MR. MacAFEEAnd where do you think you're going , yeung lady?
With Rosie !
brimming cup.
Upstairs .
But, Daddy. . .
Miss Alvarez was right !
Mussol-ini. . .
MR. MacAFEEUpst,airs .
(then burst ing out,). . .Do you hear me? I said. . .
(Controlled again)Upstairs.
I'm coming I
KTMYou're aII the same.
KIMTo drain deep t,he dregs and sip ful1 hearty t,he
To live !
MR. MacAFEE
KIM
From puberty to
2-2-874
MR. MacAFEE...What's that? You dare to say 'puberty' in front of your ownf at,her? Not to mention Mussolini? Doris . . . we've f ailed asparents !
(Hg f aIls into MRS . MacAFEE' S arms )
I never asked for much from my children. Just respect. AIit,t, Ie respect. That's all I asked for. Respect . But did Iget respect? I did not get respect. I got no respect.
I respect, you, P€r ,
RANDCTPH
MR. MacAFEE( Snarl ing )
I don' t want, your respect ! You' rerespect from a child ! Doris, takemall . ". (es THEY start up). . . Certain words I didn't want towas t,he f irsL. . . and Mussolini was
(as THEY disappear)And respect was the third. . .
ALBERT(Stil1 on phone. Aloud)
, . . Now l-ook here , Mr . Lewis , no three - cent reporter canbulldoze me ! I happen Lo be Albert J. Pet,erson and you canprint t,hat in whatever cheap paper you happen to represent !
( Pause )
It's not a paper, it's a magazine.(another pause)
And it's not Mr. Lewis...(sof t ly)
It's Mr. Luce.(Then with a wail as HE hangs up)
...Rosie, T need you!
MRS. PETERSON(From head of sLairs as ALBERT startsto door)
Sonnyboy! Where are you going?
ALBERTNowheres, Mamma. Just out . It' s stuffy in here so Ithought. . .
(Bravely). . . To look for Rosie, Mamma ! I love her and I want her back !
MRS. PETERSONf s that, al l ? I thought it was something seriousmeans, sonny, f ind your Lady of Spain and bring
(SgP crosses into kitchen)And by the way, dear, when you get back be surekitchen, take my head out, of t,he oven, and t,urn
a chi ld . What, good isme upstairs, I'm not a well
hear in t,his house . Pubertythe second. . .
. By allher back here.
to stop in theoff the gas. . .
Mamma !
(Stopping toIt's a strange house.
MRS. PETERSONturn off gas )
I don' t, want Lo
(SUB has Lurned on gds, now get,s down onHER knees and ca1mly st,icks HER head inthe oven)
ALBERT(Crossing over and pulling HER out)
2-2-975
run up a bill.
realIy l-oved me, you' d. Don' t, you real rzeout to make up for all
what low dive she' s in
bringing up a
ALBERTMamma, I've had enough of this! If youhelp me f ind Rosie before it's t,oo latewhat' s happened? That poor girl-' s gonethe years she wast,ed on me. Who knowsat this very moment.
Oh, sonny, you'bett,er give you
What message?
Nothing t,o worry about,tonight, and he doesn' ttomorrow...
Mamma, why didn't you teIl me this before!
MRS. PETERSON
MRS. PETERSONre right ! f '11 help you f ind her. Only maybethe message from Conrad firsL. . .
ALBERT
MRS. PETERSONdarling. He just says he's going out
think he' 11 get back on time to kiss Kim
ALBERT
I tried to, darlingcertain party from
( Shout ingI don' t, know what ' sthis means to me !
sweet,heart, but you kept,South of the Border.
ALBERTupst,airs )
t,he mat ter with him !
Conrad.! Conrad!He knows how much
CONRAD'S VOICETake it easy ! f'm coming. . .
(ana CONRAD, dressed in t ight j eans ,leather j acket and booLs, st,artsdownstairs )
...And before you start hollering, Albeyt, I just want you toknow I made up my mind! I'm tired of getting up at nine everymorning, having people watch me when I eat , and let t. ing kidspoke me in t,he eye . I wanna have some fun I Go out ! Meet acouple of young chicks ! Don' t, you understand, Albert . I anrt,ense !
2-2-1076
ALBERTMamma, don't just stand there! Do something!
MRS. PETERSON(Pfanting HERSELF sexily in frontof the door)
Conrad, did you ever think in terms of a more mature woman?(SHg shows a bit of shoulder)
CONRADMan , T hope I never geL lhAt tense !
(as HE goes to RC)...Now look, buddy boy, this is my last free night before I gointo the Army, and I am going ouF !
AI,BERT(Goes to CONRAD)
You can't go out without my permission! It says so in yourcontractl Mamma, g€L the cont,ract. It's in my... Never mind,I' LI get it myself.
(es HE charges upstairs). . . Conrad, you stay right here !
(l"lusic comes up)
Nrt tt
MRS. PETERSONConrad. . .
(SHE shyly shows HIM a bit of ankle,then is embarrassed and hurries outthe door, UR)
CONRADTHERE ARE CHICKS,JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSTN'!ADilD I MEAI\T TO KISS ME A FEW !
[4AN, THOSE CHICKSDON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSIN' !
I GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO !
STZZLIN' STEAKS !
ALL READY FOR TASTIN'!AND THERE'S CADILLACS...ALL SHINEY AIID NEW!GOTTA MOVE,CAUSE TIIVIE IS A-WASTIN'!THERE'S SUCH A l,OT OF LIVIN' TO DO!
(And HE moves out of t,he house as ITIGHTSCOME UP on a defiant KIM in HER bedroom)
2-2-1177
KIMTHERE ARE MENOF NINETEEN OR TWENTYWHO ARE SUAVE AI.ID RECKLESS AI\TD TRUE !
OLDER MEN,WHO'LL GTVE A GIRL PTENTY !
I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO I
(By now the MacAFEE HOUSE is moving of f ,and we find OURSELVES. . . )
2-3 -r27B
ACT TWOScene 3
IN THE STREETS OF SWEET APPLE.
N 'rA Lor oF l,rvrN' To Do'' (continued)
CONRADTHERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!PLACES TO GO!PEOPLE TO SEE !
EV'RYTHING. . .
FOR YOU AI\TD ME !
(Hg SeeS DEBORAH SUE and ALICE.Music continues under dialogue)
Hey, you kids Live here, don't you?
DEBORAH SUEYes, Mr. Birdie.
CONRADWhat's the lowdown on this town?
DEBORAH SUESweet, Apple , Ohio, was f ounded in 1.852 by Jeremiah S . Apple ,who
CONRADI mean, what do you do here ? Where do you go t,o have a bal l ?
ALICEWel I , t,here ' s t,he church basement and t,he Sweet Shoppe , and theolder kids go to t,he ice house.
CONFADWhat,' s t,here?
ALICEI don' t, know. Ic€, I guess .
KIM(Entering L)
It j ust so happens, Mr . Birdie, that the ice house j-s wherepeople go when they want to be alolte.
CONRADHey , ain't you the chick I was supposed to kiss?
KIMI am not a chick. I am a fu1ly grown woman and I insist, onbeing treated as such. As a mat,ter of fact, that's why I'mleaving home
2-3-1379
CONRADNow you're talking, Chick !
(Un takes HER arm)Come on, l-et's move ! We got things to do !
(Through the f ol lowing t,he SWEET APPLEKIDS gradually gather and j oin in asCONRAD sings)
CRAZY CLOTHES !
AI\TD MOTOR BOAT RACES !
CONRAD & THREE GIRLSSOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO!BROADWAY LIGHTS !
A}ilD WIDE-OPEN SPACES !
THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO!
(uore KIDS j oin THEM)
LOTS OF DATES,A\ID NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU!LOOP THE LOOP A}TD LAUGH AT THE VIEW !
MOONLIGHT SWIMS,AITD SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU!YEAII ! WE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO ! WOW !
CONRADTHERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!
KIDSYOU KNOW TT!
PLACES TO GO!
YOU KNOW IT!
PEOPLE TO SEE !
EV'RYTHING. . .
YEAII !
CONRAD
KIDS
CONRAD
KIDS
CONRADFOR YOU AIVD ME !
ALLOH, LIFE'S A BALL,IF ONLY YOU KNOW TT!AI$D TT'S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU!
2-3-L480
ALLYOU'RE ALIVE !
SO COME ON AND SHOW IT!OH, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING,SUCH A LOT OF LIVING,WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO
(Uus ic s i lent, pause f or dialogue )
MAYOR'S WIFE(off uR)
A1ice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight tobed! A1 ice! !
(I(IDS freeze at the sound of HER voice, thenscatter in all- directiorls. Music picks upunderscoring dialogue into next vocal )
MR. JOHNSON(Coming UC from L)
Harvey Johnson , I want, you home this Einut,e !
(Un exit s DL)
MRS. MERKLE(Bntering DR and exiting UC and R)
Do you hear me, D€borah Sue? Mother's calling you, DeborahSue ! Deborah Sue !
(Last TWO KIDS almost run over HERas THEY dash of f DR. FIARVEY JOHNSONdashes across from UC and out DL.CONRAD is alone on stage for a secondand then the KIDS return, led by KIM)
CONRADTHERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!PLACES TO GO!PEOPLE TO SEE !
EV'RYTHING. . .
KIDSYEAI{ !
CONRADFOR YOU A\TD ME !
CONRAD ANd KIDSOH , LIFE'S A BALL !
rF ONLY YOU KNOW TT !
A}TD IT'S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU!YOU'RE ALIVE !
SO COME ON A\TD SHOW IT !
oH, wE'vE GOT A LOT OF LrVrN' ,SUCH A LOT OF LIVTN' ,
2-3-1581
CONRAD & KIDS (Continued)WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO !
oo oo oo oo oo
(ena Two BY Two, the KrDs spin of f .
Last to go are CONRAD and KIM, whodash off DR as HUGO call-s after )
HUGO
. Kim ! Kim , come back ! Kim. . .
(Ana HE turns around and st,arts LaS CORNER Of MACAFEE HOUSE COMCS ONL and MR. MacAFEE st,eps out )
MR. MacAFEEKim ! Kim, where are you?
(Seeing HUGO)...Hugo, have you seen Kim?
HUGO
Birdie. . .
MR. MacAFEE(xing to HIM)
What are you talking about?
HUGOThey're ouL together having moonlight swims and mot,orboat, racesand loop - the - loop I I ' m going to do t,he only sens ible t,hing .
Drink myself to death. . .
(Un Xes U and off L)
MR. MacAFEEMoonlight swims . . . Motorboat, races . . . Loop-the- loop !
(fo MRS. MacAFEE who comes out,through this)
...Doris, get my gun.
(Xing to C)Don't ask me. Ask Conrad
(coming ouL ofMr. MacAfee, you haven't
ALBERThouse )
seen Conrad, have you?
MR. MacAFEENo, but I intend seeing him, Mr . Pet,erson. So if you have amessage, I'11 be glad to deliver it right afLer I shoot him.
ALBERTShoot him ! Rosie ! I've goL to find Rosie !
(Hg dashes of f )
MRS. MacAFEEDear, what are you talking about? You know you don't have agun !
2-3-1582
MR. MacAFEEThere's that Daisy Air Rif Le in t,he garage.
RANDOLPH(Who has come out of t,he house )
That' s mine, Pd.
MR. MacAFEEYou shut up !
(xing C)I wonder where I can buy beebees this late at night. . .
MRS. MacAFEEAnyway , it's broken, dear. . .
Mr. MacAFEEThen get me anything! That bow and arrow I bought you lastChristmas with the suction tipsI Don't just stand there! Mydaughter has run off to loop-the-loop with a fiend I Get me awat,er gun !
(UnS. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH go into house)
E 'rKrDs"
MR. MacAFEEKIDS !
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESEKIDS TODAY !
KIDS !
WHO CA}U UNDERSTA\TD AI{Y-THING THEY SAY
KIDS !
THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT, DISRESPECTFUL OAFS !
NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS !
A}UD WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUB.JECT,
KIDS !
YOU CA\T TALK AAID TALK TILL YOURFACE IS BLUE !
KTDS !
BUT THEY STTLL DO JUST WHAT THEYWAI{T TO DO !
WHY CA\I'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE,PERFECT TN EV'RY WAY !
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY!
KTDS !
MR.. & MRS. MacAFEE
2-3-L783
( Instrumental )
MR. MacAFEEf don't mind the moonlight swims; itrs the l-oop-the-Ioop that,hurts !
BOTHKTDS !
MR. MacAFEEWhy don't they lower the draft age. . . Lo about eleven?
BOTHKIDS !
MR. MacAFEEI didn't know what, puberty was until f was almost past, it I
BOTHKIDS !
THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLETO CONTROL!
KIDS !
WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES A]\TD THEIRROCK AIUD ROLL !
WHY CAI\T ' T THEY DAI\TCE LIKE WE DTD?
MR. MacAFEEIN A ROMANTIC WAY?
RANDOLPH(Comes out of house)
Hey, Pop, here ' s my pea- shooter !
MR. MacAFEEA pea-shooter? What good's a. . . Give it to me !
BOTHWHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY !
(tUnY dash of f R. RANDOLPH exits L)
BLACKOUT
E KrDS - cHA\TGE (orchestra)
13
2-4-l-884
ACT TWOScene 4
In one of Sweet Apple' s rrlow dives ". . .MAUDE' S ROADSIDE RETREAT, whichis proclaimed on neon-sign. Wenotice sign above bar that saysNO MINORS SERVED. Also , a doorleading to a room UC, a small bar.HUGO, trying to look casual,saunters over to bar and sits onstool . BARTENDER ignores HIM,continues polishing glasses .
Music fades out.
HUGO, . . I' 11 have a double rocks on the scotch. And put some rocksin it t,h:-s t.ime. Can you make me a vodka malted?
BARTENDERHow old are you?
HUGO(Taking no chances)
32.
Get, ouL .
What about a beer?
BARTENDEF.,
HUGO
BARTENDERBeat, it .
HUGO.fust let me sit here with an empty glass in front of me.
BARTENDEROut.
HUGOI demand t,o See the manager . Where' S Maude ?
BARTENDERf'm Maude, Charles F. Maude.
(Comes around bar to HUGO). . .And if you're not out of here in one minut,e, I'1l take youby t,he scruf f of t,he neck and t,hrow you out, !
2-4-19B5
Okay, I ' fil
...This is in thi s place !
(HUGO exits. At the exact. same momeot,ROSIE, st,i11 lugging t,he two suit,cas€s,sLart,s in from R)
ROS IE(as SHE dumps suitcases and st,rides to bar)
. . . Double bourbon, scot.ch on the side , rro ice , and a che rry init ! Make that t,wo cherries ! And bring on the dancing boys I
Alvayez is t,he name but, I want you t,o call me Spanish Rose !
Siboney...Da da da da, da da da da da, da dum dum dum!
HUGOgoing.. .
(Xes L, Lhen turns)t,he last time I do my drinking
MAUDE
ROS IE
MAUDEGet ouL.
ROS IENow wait a minute ! You can' t throw me out, ! I 'm an Americanciti zerL and it' s my qonst,it,utional right t,o have a drink hereif I so choose and get loaded here if I so choose and do anymanner of wild and trashy things here if I so choose I This isSpanish Rose's coming out party and when I say coming out Imean coming out, !
Spanish Rose
si.
*That, means t,heret s
MAUDEa man involved..
ROS IEAnd she hates meA mamat s boy.
*No!
*Mamars
MAUDFboys' mamas always do. So 'whatts the problem?
^ 6A/Spervrsu nosE [Revised]
ROS IEI IM JUST A SPA}TISH TAII'U\LE,SHE LOVES TO SAY,RIGHT OFF A BOAT FROM THE TROPICSFAR, FAR AWAY...WHICH IS KTNDA FUNNY,SINCE I COME FROM ROMANTIC, EXOTIC.PITTSBURGH, P.A. !
She thinks I fm too Spanish !
I ever marry that mouse--Oh , eould I show her Spanish !
L5
If
2-4-19a85a
ROSIE (Cont'd)I I LL COOK THE TACO AND THE ENCHILADAA\TD DAY AI\TD NIGHT MY CASTA}UETS WILL CLICKTHE ONLY SONG I'LL STNG WILL BE ''GRANADA, II
I'LL BE SO SPAI\TISH IT WILL MAKE HER SICK!
SHE I LL VISIT IN OUR COZY HACIENDA,MY RED-HOT CHILI, IT ' LL MAKE HER CRY,THE DAIQUIRIS WILL POUR OUT OF MY BLENDA,A\TD THEN WE DANCE THE FLAMENCO, AI AI AI !
WATCH OUT FOR THE WILD SPA}UISH ROSE,THE WICKEDEST FLOWER TI{AT GROWS !
HER SKIRT SHE IS SPLIT,HER HIPS NEVER QUTT,TFIAT SPITFIRE, SPA\TISH ROSE !
HEY, MRS . P, BE MY MJ\}fl\CITA,A REAL LATINA DAUGHTER I WILL BE,TCGETHER WE WILL SHOP AT THE BODEGA,AI\TD WATCH THE SPAI\TISH CHANNEL ON TV. . . HOLA!
A}TD THEN BEFORE LONG I SUPPOSE,YOUILL HELP US PICK OUT BABY CLO'ES,FOR JUAAT AND ENRIQUE,ROSA, AI\TITA,JOSE A}TD CARMEN,JESUS, CONSUELO- -
MJ\MJ\, YOU CA\] BET YOUR BOTTOM PESOSOMEDAY I MAKE HIM ONE TERRIFIC WIFE,IT GIVES ME MUCHO HAPPINESS TO SAY SO:WTTH ME YOUR SONNYBOY COULD HAVE A LTFE !
SO BOYS, NOW YOU I VE MET SPA}TISH ROSE,THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS,r I M WILD A}TD T 'M FREE,I IM WHAT I MUST BE,DON I T WORRY TBOUT
ME- -SPA}TISH ROSE !
(The phone rings. MAUDE picks up the phone. )
MAUDEo . . Yeah?
(l,ight,s up on ALBERT in the MACAFEE l-iving room, SL)
ALBERTHell-o , t his is Albert, J. Peterson speaking. Is Rose Alvarezt,here ?
MAUDEWho?
ALBERTWait a second, I t.hink t.haL ' s her voice . would you put her onplease .
1,7
Hold thewant,s to
You tellgusLa l-a
M;\UDEwire ! Hey, Fidel Castro ! Sometalk to you.
(nOSIE yells in the direction
ROS IEthat weasely little rat I 'm notgusta. . .
2-4-2085
guy named Pet,erson
of t,he phone . )
here! ...Oh, Cuant,o Ia
ALBERTThat proves she' s there ! Who else would know I 'm a weaselylitLle rat ?
(nOSIE grabs the phone out of MAUDE' s hand. )
ROS IEWhat ?
ALBERTRose, Itve got t,o t,alk to you! It|s about, Conrad!
ROS IEAnd furt,hermore, €ven if I were t,his Ros€, which I am not,, t,heonly t,hing that would certainly make me hang up is any ment,ionof anybody named Conrad!
(ROSB puts t,he phone down on the bar. )
ALBERT(Frant, ical Iy . )
No, Rosie, please don r t, hang up ! I wonr t mention Conrad ! We ' IItalk abouL anyt,hing you want, ! You and me, you and I , anyt,hing !
Oh, Rosie, plea3e . . .
m'BABY TALK TO ME''(UeUDE is 2nd Tenor in t,he backupmale quart,et, . The 1st Tenor, Bari toneand Bass are the THREE LOCAL OLD GEEZERS. )
ALBERT QUARTETTALK TO ME,BABY, WON I T YOU TALK TO ME?I DON'T CARE WI{AT YOU SAY,BABY, TALK TO ME.
MUST YOU BEOH, SO FAR AWAY FROM ME?IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY,
(nOSIE pushes phone away)TALK TO ME.AI\TD IF YOU MISS ME, MMMM. . .
(the GEEZERS have risen from their seats andapproach the bar. They listen to the phone which islying t,here. We hear ALBERT singing through thephone. The 2nd TENOR-MAUDE starts singing.)
18
2-4-2085
BARTENDERHold the wire !
(fo ROSIE in middle of her "Ai-eee ! " )Hey, Fidel Castrol I goL a guy named Peterson wanL,s to t,alk toyou -
ROSIE( fnto phone)
TeII that weaselly littl-e rat r, m not here !
ALBERTThat proves she's there ! Who else would know I'm a weasel-lylittIe rat?
(shouting). . . Rose , I 've got to talk to you I IL' s about, Conrad I
ROS IE(Grabbing phone)
And furthermore, even if I were this Ros€, which I am not, theone thing that would certainly make me hang up is any mentionof anybody named Conrad!
ALBERT(Frant ica1ly)
No, Rosie, please don't hang upl I won't mention ConradlWe'II talk about anything you want ! You, rTr€ , I, anythinql
(Uusic comes up. ROSIE light,s a cigarett,e,puffs it furiously through following)
Oh, Rosie, please. . .
m 'BABY,. TALK To ME'r(MeUog is 2nd Tenor in the backupmale quartet, DISHWASHER 1st Tenor,FIRST CUSTOMER Barilone andSECOND CUSTOMER Bass)
ALBERT QUARTETTALK TO ME,BABY, WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?I DON'T CARE WI{AT YOU SAY,BABY, TALK TO ,ME.
MUST YOU BEOH, SO FAR AWAY FROM ME?rT SEEMS ALL WRONG THTS WAY,
(ROSfE pushes phone away)TALK TO ME.AATD TF YOU MISS ME, MMMM. .
(Of SHWASHER ent,ers UC and j oinsMAUDE and TWO CUSTOMERS AS THEYhum)
2-4-2rB7
ALBERT (Continued) QUARTET (Continued)TELL ME SO! MMMM.. O
ARE YOU LONELY? MMMM...TELL ME SO! MMMM...SAY YOU LOVE ME; MMMM...TELL ME SO!HONEY... OOOH...HONEY!LET ME KNOW. OOOH!...
TALK TO ME, MMMM...TILL I PRESS YOU TILL I PRESS YOIJ. . . AH . . .
CLOSE TO ME ! AI{. . O
THEN YOU'LL SEE. . . AF{. . .
WE WON'T HAVE TO TALKAT ALL!
(OISHWASHER turns and QUARTET sings)
MUST YOU BEOH SO FAR AWAY FROM ME,
(ROSIE moves DS to siL on HERsuitcase. MEN f ollow)
BABY !
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, OH, BABY...TALK TALK. .
TO ME ! GO ON, WHAT CATT YOU LOSE,IT AIN'T GONNA HURT !
AI{D IF YOU MISS ME . . . OH. . .
TELL HIM SO !ARE YOU LONELY?
LADY, LADY, TELL HIM SO !
sAy You LovE ME... ooH...ooH. ..ooH. . .
TELL ME SO... OOH...OOH...OOH. . .
HONEY! HONEY!LET ME KNOW. ..
ALBERT HALF QUARTET HALF QUARTET(rnNoRS)TALK TO ME TALK, TALK TO ME TALK TO METILL I PRESS YOU AFI . . . TILL I PRESS YOUCLOSE TO ME ! CLOSE TO ME ! AI{. . .
THEN YOU'LL SEE THEN YOU'LL SEE AFI . . .
WE WON'T HAVE TO TALfrLBERT & QUARTET
AT ALL!
(ROSE returns to sit on stool US.DISHWASHER moves up to her L)
QUARTETTILL I PRESS YOU
CLOSE TO ME. . .
2-4-2288
ALBERTCUSTOMERS
TALK. ..TALK. . .
AT ALL!
TALK TO ME !
TALK TO ME!
ALBERT & QUARTETTHEN YOU'LL SEE. . .
TENOR (prSHWASUER)WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK. . .
MAUDE & 2
AII .. .
AI{. . .
TENOR (NTSHWASHER)
MAUDE
FIRST CUSTOI,IER
SECOND CUSTOMERTALK TO ME!
ALBERT(nising)
TALK TO ME...
ALL FIVEMMMMMM. . . !
ALBERT(Looking at phone, suddenly puzzLed)
Rose , are you alone?
ROS IENo, I'rr noL alone, A1bert . I'm with friends .
(SexilY). . . See you later, boys.
ALBERT(as MEN start, in door UC)
See you later, boys?! Rosie, you've got t,o help me findConrad !
ROS IEAnd that's only t,he beginning, Albert! From now on the sky'sthe limit . . .parties. . .ba1Is. . . dances ! AIvU\POLA, MY PRETTYAMA. . . What' s going on in there?
(through above more MEN have Xedand gone into door UC)
BARTENDERNo business of yours, lady. That' s a privat,e dining room !
2-4-2389
ROS IEPrivate for whom?
BARTENDERFor men only, that' s f or whom !
ROS TEMen only? ThaL's exact, Iy what I'm looking for! I've heardabout what goes on in these small t,owns. Out of Spanish Rose' sway!!
N rRANSrrroN To SHRTNER's (orchestra)
BARTENDER ALBERTHey, Ia,Cy, waiL a minute I Somebody stop her I Don'tEven I ain' L allowed in let. her go in . Wait , Spanisht,here I Hey , Lady. . . Rose ! I' 11 be right down.
Mamma, get my coat. . .
(ana ROSIE pushes the BARTENDER throught,he door UC as lights come up t,o reveal . . .)
2-5-2490
ACT TWOScene 5
THE PRIVATE DINING ROOM.
A long oblong table covered to floorwith white cloth. Moose head aboveit.
MAYOR...And so, F€l1ow Shriners, wibh the power vested in me...
(nOSIE runs in , followed by MAUDE. MAYORstops speaking. ALL SHRINERS slowly t,urnand look at ROSIE. SHE does a wiggle ortwo to invite THEM to dance, THEY starestonily. MAUDE gestures for HER to get out.SHE resignedly exits R)
. . . Now before the Recording Secretary reads the minutes ofLast week's meet,ing , I want to bring up a subject that I amsure is on everybody's mind tonight. . .
(Through this last, ROSIE has come stealthilyback in frorn R. Music comes up softly asSHE surveys the t-able of SHRINERS, then witha wicked gleam in HER eye, SHE idly beginsplaying with the tassel on the fez of thenearest MiUS)
(t"tus ic start,s )
E sHRTNER BALLET (orchestra)
(From tassel-twirling to tickling, fromtickling to a few kicks, from kicks togrinds , from grinds to bumps, until ROSIEbegins turning the quiet meeting into t,heSHRINERS BALLET , a sort of midwesternver'sion of a Turkish orgy. The SHRINERS,who are shocked at first, gradually warmup as ties are loosened and shirt tailscome out,. Under the long t,able slidesROSIE, and one by one the SHRINERS arepulled under with HER. Around the t,able,behind iE, and on it THEY dance, untilas t,he music reaches its climax the t,idehas turned. The SHRINERS have gone wilderthan ROSIE imaEined, and THEY toss HERfrom one t.c ancther as THEY whirl likedervi she s f ir:.a i- Iy di sappearing under thetable once aga j-n . A f inal crash of mus ic ,
2-5-2591
a hand comes up; ROSfE is yanked downwith THEM)
N
B L A C K.O IJ T
SHRfNER'S PLAY-OFF (Orchestra)
2-6-2692
ACT TWOScene 6
THE BACK DOOR OF MAUDE'S ROADSIDERETREAT , complete with t,rash cans,back fence, lamppost . ROSIE comesl imp1y out t.he door, we aring a redfez-. SHE collapses on box DL next,to garbage can. HUGO comes in Cfrom R.
(t"tusic f ades out )
HUGO. . .Miss Alvarez, f have a favor to ask you. Could you go backin there and get me some grain alcohol to go?
ROS IENot for a million dollars !
HUGOMy whole world is collapsing bef ore me ! I can't get a drink;and Kim's run of f wit,h Conrad to the ice house. . .
ROS IE. . . Kim and Conrad ! Albert ! I 've got t,o phone Albert ! Hugo,you stay right here. . .
re-- (again) SHRTNEB's PLAY-OFF (orchestra)
ROS IE(SHg opens door into MAUDE'S . InstantlySHRf NERS burst f ort,h. SHE backs away. . . )
Now , fel-las ! Wait, a minute !
(THEY lift HER and carry HER madly off C,then R. HUGO goes. into MAUDE'S, andALBERT comes dashing on from DR.
Music fades out )
ALBERT. . . Here it is ! Maude' s Roadside Retreat !
(Opens door, shouts in)I'm coming, Rose ! Hurry, Momma !
MR.S. PETERSON(as SHE st aggers on af ter HIM)
I don't know why we have to go running around aII nighL lookingfor someone it, would be bet.t.er noL to find in the
2-6-2793
MRS . PETERSON (Continued)first place . If you listen to me, sonnyboy , you' 11 come home,have a nice cup of Post,um and go t,o bed.
ALBERT(Xing R t,o HER)
Mamma, I told you I fm not coming home tiII I find Rosie I
Now if you want to leave, thatfs okay with me.(Stopping and t,urning)
As a matter of f act, it, ' s not, a bad idea. . .
(with a deep breath)...Why dontt you go home, Mdmma.
MRS. PETERSONWhat did you say, sweet,heart darling?
ALBERTI said , "Why don't you go home, Mdmma. I'
MRS. PETERSON(ef ter a pause )
Wou1d you mind repeating that once more, sunshine of myexi stence ?
ALBERTI said, 90 home, Ma.mma. I don't need you any longer.
(MRS . PETERSON sit s on a garbage can. )*_" OA/ ''A MOTHER OOESN' T ITATTER AIUYITTORB ''
MRS. PETERSON(Spoken f reely over music: )
So... iL's come at, lastl At, last it's comel The day I knewwould come at, last, has come at last ! My Sonnyboy doesnt L needme any longer. WeII, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me !
Put, me out, with the garbage ! 'Just throw me out with t,he usedgrapefruj-ts and t,he empt,y cans of t,una fish. And never mindputting a lid on. Leave it, open so a hundred thousandpussycats can walk all over a Mother! . . .
23
2-6-27a93a
MRS. PETERSON (Cont'd)WHO BRONZED YOUR BABY SHOES?KISSED EV I RY LITTLE BRUISE?WHO PICKED YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR?YOU COUGHED AI\TD WHO WAS THERE?IT'S .JUST TOO HARD TO BEAR.A MOTHER DOESN ' T MATTER ATTYMORE !
WITH BUNIONS ON MY FEET,I TRUDGED THROUGH SNOW A\TD SLEET,TO BRING YOU LIC'RICE FROM THE CORNER STORE.I SOLD MY TTFF'NY LAMPSO YOU COULD GO TO CAIVIP.NOW A MOTHER DOESN I T MATTER AI\TYMORE !
(Spoken over music: )
That's it. Irm ready to go. And I don't want you to spend acent. Fancy funerals are for rich people. Just wrap me in af lag and dump me in t.he river- - -on Mother' s Day. . .
AITD PRECTOUS, BY THE WAY,THE DOCTOR CALLED TODAY,WHAT I GOTIS A CONDITION YES, HEIS SURE,THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO,I'LL LAST A WEEK OR TWO,BECAUSE FOR A CONDITION TFIERE ' S NO CURE. .
THAT TIME YOU HAD THE CROUP,WHO MJ\DE YOU CHICKEN SOUP,AI\TD READ YOU IISI\IvIBT II TILL HER THROAT WAS SORE?YOU SACRTFICE YOUR LIFE, THEN BAIUG ! YOU GET THE IO\TIFE,NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!...
(Spoken over music: )
There , I f eel- better now. Everything is as it should be .
A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for theCity Dump and a son is running around with a floo zLe who camelooking for a good time and stayed to ruin an American womanrslife!..,
24
2-6-2894
MRS. PETERSON (Cont'd)WHO GAVE UP NIGHTS OF RESTTO RUB VTCKS ON YOUR CHEST?WHO NURSED HER SONNYBOY TILL HE WAS FOUR?MY LIFE HAS BEEN IN VAIN,THTS COUNTRY I S DOWN THE DRAIN,-CAUSE A MOTHER DOESNIT MATTER,NO, A MOTHER DOESNIT MATTER,YES, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER A}TYMORE !
Are you finished, Mama?
Yes, Sonnyboy.
Goodnight, Mama.
ALBERT
MRS. PETERSON
ALBERT
N
MRS. PETERSONGoodnight, Sonnyboy.
ALBERTMy name's not Sonnyboy.
MRS. PETERSONYou're just like your father... You'd marry anythingl
GLORY HALLELUJAI{ (Orcheslra)
(SHg moves off R as we hear thestrains of t'Battle Hymn of the Republic. rr
THEY grow louder as SHE is gone. ALBERTswells with triumphant pride. HE is thustransfixed as MR. and MRS. MacAFEE andRANDOLPH come hurrying on C from L)
MR. MacAFEE.. .Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and Kim?
ALBERTAh there, Mr. MacAfee! A great pleasure to see you again.Unfortunately , T must telL you that, Conrad' s affairs no longerinterest me. Irrn l-ooking for Miss Alvarez now to t,eII herthat. . .
(He hears it )
. . . Conrad and Kim?
MRS. MacAFEETheyrve run off together!
MR. MacAFEEAnd if we don't, find them soon, Mr. Peterson, T int,end callingthe FBMhors the head of it now, dear? Is it Peter Lawfordyet ?
25
2-6-2995
ALBERTil m sure there's nothing t,o worry about . . .
MRS. MERKLE(Hurrying on C from L)
Doris ! Harry! Have you seen Ursula?
ALBERTUrsula?
MRS. MacAFEEIs she missing too?
MRS. MERKLESince ten o'clock I And I've looked everyrhere.
MR. MacAFEE(As MR. ,JOHNSON enters DR and speakssimultaneously)
Mr. Peterson!
MR. JOHNSONMacAfee ! You haven't seen my llarvey, have you?
AIilOTHER PARENT(Hurrying in C from L)
Or Roger! And Phyllis !
ATBERTThey're probably all down at the drugstore. . .
(erightly). . .Maybe having one of those gang wars. . .
MR. MacAFEE(as ALBERT realizes what HE'S saidand sneaks off t)
Gang Wars !
(panENTS all begin talking at once.ft becomes a jurnble; THEY all turnaround and, ds one, sing. . . )
M REPRTsE: "K.rDS"
ALLKIDS !
I DON'T KNOW hIHAT'S WRONG WITH THESEKIDS TODAY !
KIDS !
WHO CAIV UNDERSTAI{D AIVY-THING THEY SAY !
2-6-3095
RA}TDOLPHKTDS !
THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS A]\TD SO IMMATURE !
I DON'T SEE WHY AI\TYBODY WAIITS 'EM !
MR. MacAFEE.TUST YOU WAIT AND SEE. . .
RANDOLPHKIDS !
THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLETO CONTROL!
MR. MacAFEESOON YOU'LL BE OLDENOUGH TO BE.. t
RANDOLPHKIDS !
WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AIVD THEIRROCK AND ROLL!
MR. MacAFEEA}ilOTHER TEENAGEDELINQUENT !
RANDOLPHWHY CAII'T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE,PERFECT IN EV'RY WAY !
MR. MacAFEE & RANDOLPHWHAT'S THE MATTER hIITH KIDS TO
ALLKIDS !
WHAT THE DEVIL'S WRONG WITH THESEKIDS TODAY!
KIDS !
WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURNOUT THAT WAY!
WHY CAI\T, T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE,PERFECT TN EV'RY WAY !
MR. & MRS. MacAFEEWHAT'S THE MATTER WTTH KIDS !
RANDOLPHWHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS !
ALLWHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KTDS TODAY !
2-6-3197
(et Lhe end of the song, the door toMAUDE'S opens and HUGO comes flying out)
HUGOHi, everybody! Good oId Hugo here!
(as HE falls into the ash can)...Looped!
MRS. MacAFEEHugo Peabody, what have you been drinking?
HUGOMilk. But, it worked I Anyhow , T 've got a perf ect, right to bedrunk. My girl's gone off with Conrad Birdie to the . . ,
ALBERT(Entering hastily f rom L1 Lalking f ast )
. . . To the movies I Great double bill tonight,. . . "F1ying DownTo Rio " and 'r Greed " ! Gosh, I ' 1l always remember t,hat, greatcast. Dolores Del Rio. . .
MR. MacAFEE(f'orgett ing HIS t,roubles )
And Gene Raymond.. .
And what a score !
ALBERT
MR. MacAFEEI' d f orgott,en t,hat .
ALBERT & MR. MACAFEE(Sof t Iy, heads toget,her)
Hey, Rio,Flying down t,o Rio. . .
ROS IE(gnteringCfromRwit,haSHRINERin hot pursuiL )
. . .Albert !
ALBERTRose, where've you been! I've been looking for you all night,!I have good news for you, Rosie ! I did it ! I sent Mamma home !
And f 'm a new man, Rose ! A world leader !
ROS IEAlbert, Conrad and Kim have g'one to the ice house !
ALBERT(Un doesn'L know what, it is)
The ice house?
2-6-3298
MR. MacAFEEThe ice house ! Doris, cal] the Mounted Police I
(As CROWD starts of f in various directions )Call Mr. Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons !
(et portal R)CaII the Shadow! Look him up under Lamont Cranston...
(THEY rush off as the TIGHTS DfM,and we find ourselves. . . )
N L,AMoNT cRANsroN To TcEHoUSE (orchestra)
2-7-3399
ACT TWOScene 7
The light of a match flares;moonlight comes slowly up, and wesee CONRAD lighting KfM'S cigareLte,in the ICE HOUSE, an enclosed, low,barn- like structure, wit,h one or twoempty crates lying about. HE watchesHER as SHE inhales.
KIM...Mmmm, that is refreshing. Of cours€, f do prefer a Murad,but these' 11 do. WelI, here we are, Conrad ! This is the icehouse ! Fun, isn't it !
(SHg rises as CONRAD qits next t,o HERand puts HIS arm around HER)
Of course, when you've been here as many times as I have...I ' ve been here wit,h j ust everybody, you know . IJrsuIa . . .
Deborah Sue. . . the Girl Scouts.(Sgn coughs on cigarettes)
Stronger than the chocolate ones, aren' t they?(COITRAD rises and goes to HER)
Conrad, you seem a bit nervous. Maybe a drag on this weedwould relax you. Or how abcut, one of t,hose reefers I've readso much about? I can go out and get you a fix i,f you tell- mewhat it is. When you've had a donkey on your back as long as Ihave. . .
(COWRAD puts HIS arm around HER again,and SHE moves right,)
. . . Conrad , you're trembling ! Just because you're a f ew yearsyounger t,han I arn , I hope it, doesn' t make you uncomf ortable .
I'm twenty-seven or twenty-eight, you know. One of the two.So, 1rou see, I really know the score; I even know some of thewords! Connubian, pre-marrial, jailbait...
(fhe meaning of the last, word hits HIM.HE stiffens, turns and starts for the steps)
URSULA(Suddenly appearing at top of ladder)
There you are, oh sensuous one !
(Cue for music to begin quiet, ly underdialogue and contine into vecal )
We've been looking f or you everyarhere !
CONRADThat' s nice . Now out of t,he way. f 'm laLe . . .
2-7 -34100
URSULA(Coming down as KIDS st,art pouring in)
But. you don't understand ! We're coming with you I you said ityourself! We've got a lot of }iving to dol
CONRADNow wait a minute. . .
URSULAWe' 11 never go home again ! We' 11 follow you to the ends of theearth !
Moonl ight swims !
Mot.orboat races !
DEBORAH SUE
HELEN
PENELOPELoop - the - loop !
ALLYeah! !
CONRAD(eacking L)
Course that stuf f really ain't, as much fun as I made ou.t. . .
URSULAWe can sLart right now; Let's have an orgy!
(Pronounced with a hard g)
N ICE HoUSE LIVIN'
KIDS(es THEY puII CONRAD back t,o RC)
GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' !
SUCH A LOT OF LIVTN' !
(URSULA spins HIM around)
WHAT A LOT OF LTVIN'!
(URSULA leaps int,o HIS arms and KIDS area spinning, dancing mass with CONRAD andURSULA it,s core. ALBERT and ROSIE ent.er L)
ALBERT(Uf S shouts lost, in noise )
What's going on here? Conrad! Conrad!(Hg and ROSE are embroiled in the mass )
2-7-3510 t_
KIDSWHAT A LOT OF LIVIN I !
WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' !
(An abrupt cut off of music asMR. MacAFEE and TWO POLICEMEN enter SL.MR. MacAFEE still carries HIS l-ant.ern)
MR. MacAFEEThere he is ! The depraved brute ! Arrest that man !
(Quick music tag as CONRAD drops URSULA.POLI CE XR to HIM, MR . MacAFEE f oIlows )
Well now, what, have you got to say, Mr. Birdie !
CONRADThank CoC youtve come.
HUGO(gntering L)
Hi everybody! Good old Hugo again.
KIM(Running to HUGO who has entered L)
Hugo, darling, you're just in t.ime! I canrt teIl you whathumiliat,ion I 've .been made to suf f er. . .
MR. MacAFEEThat ' s all I need Lo hear ! Take him away !
(rhe POLICE exit L with CONRAD, f ollowedby cl-amouring KIDS and , finally, MR.MacAFEE with HIS lantern)
ALBERT(Shout ing af ter THEM)
...Mr. MacAfee, I demand you release t,hat, boy! Mr. MacAfee!This is A1bert J. Peterson speaking !
* ROS IEAlbert, Iet me handle this. Look, why don't you go back to thehouse and I'11 go down to the courthouse and try talking to theMayor...* ALBERTRose, I don't think you understand ! This is the new Albert . Itold Mama goodbye !
27
2-7 -310
62
ir-bert , yeu didn,t !
ROS IE
ALBERTAh, but I did! And Rose, the new Albert is going down to thecourthouse and deal with t,he Mayor. And I'd appreciate it ifyou ' d meet me at, the train stat ion at s ix- thirt,y tomorrowmorning... when I intend to be there with Conrad. And Rose,did I ment ion that, I loved you?
(uusi-c in)
Not, yet, Albert .
ROS IE
ALBERTWell, I do.
(Bounding away)...Conrad!
N ''AI\T ENGLISH TEACHERII REPRISE
ROS IErT'S GOING TO BE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFEII 'M GOING TO BE MISSIS PETERSON,MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON,MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON. . .
(Bcstat, ical ly). . . Oh, Rosie, nothingr can stop you now !
MRS. PETERSON(Appearing at top of steps L)
Hel1o, Rose.(trtusic out )
ROS IE(Not,hing can faze HER now)
He11o, Mae.
MRS. PETERSONSo we're alone at IasL. Have you a minut,e to spare for aheart,-to-heart wit,h an old friend?
ROS IEI'11 always have time to talk with the woman who by tomorrowevening I'I1 be able to caII. . .
MRS. PETERSONDon't say it, Rose !
28
2 -7 -37r_03
ROSIE(Very c1early, ds SHE puts HER arm around MAE) '
I ' 11 be able to call Mother.
MRS. PETERSONThe cruelest, word I ever heard !
(wit h a sigh). . . To t,hink I would live to see the day f ' d have relat,ives inEI Salvador.
ROSIENot to mention Guatemala, Braz:-l-, Chile, Uruguay, and ChichiCostanango ! And as soon as Albert and I are married, I ' rTr goingto stick a rose in my teeth, sit in front of my adobe hut onCentral Park West and sell tortillas !
(Shaking HER hand). . .Adios, Mama.
Adios, Rosit,a.
CaII me Mrs. Petersoll .
MRS. PETERSON
ROS IE
(uns. PETERSON exits. )
BLACKOUT
*Original vers j-on song number 36 , " Spanish Roserf has beendelet,ed. Return to original script page 2-8-39, LO5.
29
2-B-39105
ACT TWOScene I
SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION.Early next morning. Train L.A head pokes in from righL.
zl / MORNING (Orchest,ra)
ALBERTThere's no one here ! Come on. . .
(ana a FIGURE with a large black woman's coaL,purse and a veil comes on, ffiusic fades out)
CONRADNow look, Albert.
ALBERT(Shoves HIM to train and on platform)
Shut up and get on that train! f t took every cent I had tobai l you out , and I don' t want you seen t, i 11 we ' re out of t,hi sstate!... Now get aboard!
CONRADNow wait a minute, buddy boy ! You saved my I j-f e, and whetheryou pay me no guarantee or not . . . you got a contract, with meforever.
ALBERTConrad, what are you saying?
CONRAD(Hands HIM paper)
Here's a blan\ piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert. Youjust fill in whatever you want.
MRS. PETERSON(Who has come on through thisfrom DR)
Hel1o, Albert .
ALBERTMamma ! !
MRS. PETERSON(Passes ALBERT, look up at CONRAD)
Rose, you look good for a change . I know all about, you two.Don't, worry ! I won't, make a fuss . I' 11 do what anyintelligent Mother has to do. . .
&
2-8-401-05
MRS . PETERSON (Continued)(Shakes hands with ALBERT)
...Goodbye, dear. Don't worry about the coat. You'11 havethree mink stol-es as soon as the train passes over me.
(SHe lies down on the tracks)
ALBERT(Picks HER up puts HER on train;SHE goes inside)
Mamma, get up and get on that train! I have no time for anynonsense. . .
MR. MacAFEE (Offstage). r.Just a moment, Mf. Peterson!
(ena the MacAFEES followed by some KIDSand ADUTTS hurry on)
I demand to know what you've done with Mr. Birdiel He's not inthat j ail !
ALBERTHow should I know where he is? I haven't seen him all night.I'm just down here to say goodbye to. . . to Rosie !
(Through this CONRAD has taken beer canout of coat and punched it open. It soarsin the air. ALBERT hurries HIM into train)
MR. MacAFEEMr. Pet,erson !
MRS. MacAFEENow , Ehere' s no point getting excited, dear ! Af t,er all,there's no real harm done. Kim and Hugo are back togetheragain. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing happened. Heproposed to her this morning, and she accepted him.
MR. MacAFEEryUUU\H !
MRS. MACAFEEDear, what's wrong?
MR. MacAFEE(es THEY go)
. . . My life is over now. I' 11 seII the house and go into ahome.
(The MacAFEES exit L)
AII aboard!
(tttus ic in )
CONDUCTOR
2-8-4rL07
CONRAD(Reappearing on train platform withMRS. PETERSON)
. ..Hey, Albert, the train's leaving! Get on!
ALBERT(es KIDS spot CONRAD)
Bye, Conrad.
MRS. PETERSON(screaming)
A1bert ! ! !
E7 HAND cAR
TEEN CHORUS GIRLSWE LOVE YOU, CONRADOH YES WE DO!WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,AIID WE'LL BE TRUE !
VruTEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US,WE'RE BLUE !
oH, coNRADWE LOVE YOU!
(Train starts)CONRAD
. . .Albert, don't leave me !
(ena MRS. PETERSON tries to climb over railingof observation car as it goes off L. ALBERTwaves after THEM tiII the last scream fromMRS. PETERSON fades in the distance. Then HEhappily rips up the contract CONRAD gave HfMand scatters the pieces in the air as HE Xes Rand 'sits on the luggage cart . ROSIE enters R2 )
ROSIEWell , here I am, Albert . Six- thirt,y on the button . Where' sthe train?
ALBERTIt lef t at six twenty- f ive . . .
ROSIEAlbert,, you told me to be here at. . .
ALBERTWith Conrad..,
2-8-42108
ROS IEAt six- thirt,y sharp . I know because . . ,
ALBERTAnd Mamma.
ROS IE. . . Albert, you wanted us to miss that, train I
ALBERTIt stands t,o reason, Ros€: Why get on a train to New York whenwe've got ticket,s to Pumpkin Falls, f owa.
ROS IEWhat,'s in Pumpkin Falls , Iowa?
ALBERTAn opening in the teaching staf f of Pumpkin Falls ,Junior HighSchool . I read about it in this morning's paper. They wantsomeone to teach English and Domestic Science. And I hopeyou've brought your documents, Rose, because t,hey prefer theapplicant to be marcied.
ROS IE(Uusic in, SHE rushes to HIM, f lingsHER arms about HIS neck)
Oh, Albert ! !
ALBERTRos ie !
(runY kiss). . .Did anybody ever telI you that,'s the most beautiful name inthe world?
(Uusic up, and HE sings)
M 'tRosrE''
I WAS NEVER CRAZY FOfrLFf,ffiERS,I CONFESS THAT NOTHING LEFT ME COLDER.I COULD WATCH A DAISY FOR HOURS,A}TD ALL T'D FEEL WAS SEVERAL HOURS OLDER.LILACS OR Lf Lf ES, AI\TY BLOOM YOU PLEASE,ALL THAT THEY DID WAS MAKE ME SHRUG OR SNEEZE.BUT NOW I LOVE EACH BLOSSOM TI{AT I SEEFOR A LOVELY LTTTLE ROSE LOVES ME.
NOW MY LIFE IS ROSY,STNCE I FOUND MY ROSfE.WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE,HOW COULD I BE BLUE?
2-B-43109
ALBERT (Continued)HAND IN HAND WE'LL MOSEY,ME AIVD LITTLE ROSTE.WE WILL BE SO COZY,BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO !
( Pushing luggage ca.gt LC and D )OH, T ONCE HEARD A POEM TUAT GOES,
(Rocking cart back and forth)A ROSE IS A ROSE, IS A ROSE,WELL, T DON'T AGREE, TAKE IT FROM ME,
(Rocking t,o and f ro again)THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN AI\TY THAT GROWS !
(Pushing cart DL)
AI\TD THAT,S MY ROSTE,I'M SO GLAD SHE CHOSE ME.
(nocking the cart )
LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME !
(HB now pushes the cart, in a figure eightback and forth in 1 and. 2. THEY bot,h sing)
ALBERT ROSIENOW MY LIFE IS ROSY, OH, WE'LL BE HAPPY I KNOW,SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE. OFF TO THE PREACHER WE'LL GO!WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE, SO, HOW COULD WEHOW COULD I BE BLUE? BE BLUE?
ROS IE(es HE pushes cart R)
OH, WE'LL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST,A NTCE LITTLE SPLTT-LEVEL NEST,AI\TD IN EV'RY ROOM,ROSES IN BLOOM...
ALBERT(Taking HER hand as SHE rises)
BUT THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ALL OF THE REST I
(TUBY dance L)A}ilD TFIAT'S MY ROSIE. . .
BOTHI'M SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME!
(rurn)LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG
(Dance DRC)WHEN LOVE IS RIGHT, THEN WHAT COULD BE WRONGLIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME !
.1
2-8-44LL0
(THEY dance DC and Ut and to dead e.SHE puts HER arm in HIS and THEY startto walk down CS to curtain line, HERhead on HIS shoulder. THEY turn andstart, walking USC and. . . )
o / FINATE (orchestra)
CI.TRTAIN COMES IN STOWLY
N Bows & Exrr MUSrc (orchestra)