caffeinated roadrunning

8/7/2019 Caffeinated Roadrunning

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Roadrunning with the Bean

Characters Narrator/The Doctor

Tony

Deputy

The Doctor: We were somewhere around Chandler, on the edge of The City, when

the coffee began to take hold. I remember saying something like “Hey Tony, I can't

stop my hands from shaking; maybe you should drive.” Suddenly there was a

ferocious roar all around us and the sky seemed full of what looked to be huge

roadrunners, diving and swirling around the car. A voice cried out “Good lord,

what are these freaky animals?”

Just as suddenly, it was quiet again. My adult services librarian friend was staring

into his cup of high power Circle K Caffeine Coma Coffee Colada and speaking in

strange tongues, something about an atrocity to be visited upon humankind by the

Caldecotts. He jerked his head up to me.

Tony (half crazed):What? What's that? You say something?

The Doctor: His eyes were glazed over behind a pair of cheap sunglasses from thesame convenience store we procured this perfectly legal but somehow illicit

substance known as Caffeine Alert Coffee.

Never mind. It's your turn to drive. I hit the brakes and steered my Buick to the

side of the road. No point mentioning those roadrunners, I figured. The poor sucker

will see them soon enough.

Tony (slightly more coherent): Did we get everything we needed to do this show?

This talk? This presentation? This gig? This performance? This...

The Doctor (cutting him off): Shut up! Yes, dang it I have everything! We've got

four large cups of Caffeine Alert Coffee, six bottles of Starbucks Frappacinos, two

cases of Dr. Pepper, and a half rack of Pepsi Max. Not that we need all of that for

the trip, but when you get locked into an early morning drive from one end of the

county to the other, the tendency is to take your caffeine all the way.



Oh yeah I also brought all the gear we need to do the presentation. I tossed it

underneath all the other stuff.

Tony: Man, I can't believe we had to leave this early. I feel like I'm commuting or

something and I guess I will be when I hit the I-10. I just won't be doing it to too

quickly. (chuckles) Man, I love listening to this woman on the radio. You ever

listen to her? She's got the greatest voice and wow, is she beautiful!

The Doctor ( pausing for a second): Um, that's Renee Montagne. We're listening to

NPR, man. This is Morning Edition, not “the morning drive.”

Tony: Yeah, I know! Isn't she wild ?!

The Doctor: There comes a time when life gets complex and the only cure is toload up on caffeine and drive hellbent from Queen Creek to White Tank . To relax,

as one might, in the desert morning. Lay back, lay down the pedal, and move out

with Jimi Hendrix at high volume, and at least a gallon of coffee.

Tony: Hey! I gotta an idea, let's play a game! I spy...

The Doctor (interrupting): You know I think maybe we'd be better off

concentrating on the road...

Tony (interrupting): No, no, no, man! This is gonna be fun! I gotta good one! I

spy...

The Doctor: Oh jeez....

Tony: I spy... with my little eye... something red. Something blue. Something red.

Something blue. Something red....

The Doctor: Stark realization dawned on me slowly as I realized what he was

describing. I jerked my head around, squinting through the back window at theMCSO deputy behind us.

Tony (gleefully): I'm gonna make a run for it!

The Doctor: NO! Don't do it, man! They'll hunt us down like wolves. Why didn't

you listen? I told you before we left that we can't get stopped here. This is Arpaio



country. Just... just pull it over and let me do most of the talking.

My co-worker and soon to be cellmate eased the car to the shoulder. I inhaled

deeply and called upon my sanity. All I got was its voicemail.

The deputy walked to the driver's side window and knocked on it. Tony rolled

down the window...

Deputy: License and registration please...

The Doctor: Good morning, deputy! I said to him, handing over my information

along with my insurance card. In a moment of clarity I also handed him my library

ID badge. He looked us over and perused our papers before glancing up at me.

Deputy: You're with the library?

Tony: Oh hecks yeah! We're the bossest bibliotecarios in the system!

Deputy: Um, yeah. Do you know how fast you were going back there?

The Doctor: Back there? You mean over there, or back that way? Back where? By

the grocery store? By the...

Deputy:No, about half a mile back, you were doing almost 60 in a 45 and... say

you two look really shaky. You okay? Have you been using something this

morning?

Tony: Oh no, sir. We're as clean as reruns of Leave it Beaver on a Sunday morning.

Oh yeah, we just got season one of that in on DVD, want me to put it on hold for

you?

The Doctor: Shut uuup, man. (to the Deputy) No sir, not on anything, the coffee

might be making us a little jittery, but otherwise....

Deputy: Coffee? Wait a sec...

The Doctor: He stuck his head into the car and looked over the cups steaming

away in the console.

Deputy: Is that the Caffeine Alert stuff?



The Doctor: Um... yes?

Tony: Oh yeah, it's the Caf Alert. We got another thermos of it in the back, want

some?

The Doctor: He looked at us and sniffed, like we'd just broke wind at a White

House dinner party. He looked at our papers one more time before handing them

back.

Deputy: Look, be careful okay? Save the 20 or 30 over the speed limit for the I-10

like everyone else. And you might want to cut back on that coffee... stuff should be

illegal.

The Doctor: He turned and walked back to his cruiser and sped off into thedistance. My friend jammed the car into drive and laid down on the accelerator. We

left no rubber on the road as the car jumped into traffic. Buick Centuries are not

well known for their power and torque.

Tony: Oh dude! Shut up! She's on again!

The Doctor: I sat the coffee aside for now, knowing that we'd dodged a bullet. I let

my compatriot wax on about the barely contained sensuality of various NPR hosts

and we managed to make the 303 by 8am. Morning traffic on the I-10 was normal

– three rollovers, half a dozen fender-benders, a motorcyclist down, and someone

apparently lost their entire queen sized bed around the Goodyear exit.

By the time we reached our destination, the shakes had died off and my vision

cleared. The roadrunners were gone... for now.

Tony: Woo hoo! We're finally here!

The Doctor: We unloaded our gear and stashed the carbonated, caffeinated loot

under a blanket and made our way inside. I hesitated, and then snagged a bottle of water for later, tucking it into a gear bag. By the time I'd gotten inside my driver

already had everything set up.

Tony: You ready? I'm ready! The stuff's ready! Let's do this! Hey, where are we

again?



The Doctor: I shook my head. There is nothing more confusing than a man in the

depths of a caffeine binge. I looked around at the crowd, pulled out the bottle of

water I grabbed earlier and opened it. I took a drink and then said Hi! My name is

Dan, this is Tony, and we're going to show you how to make a radio show.

caffeinated roadrunning

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