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Q0804

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HOW CAN APARENT FINDPEACE OFMIND?

FFew experiences are morewonderful and difficult

than raising children.Solomon recognized both sides when he said, “A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is the grief of hismother” (Prov. 10:1).

For this challenge, the Bible offers wisdom. Nowhere isthere more realism than in theexperiences of Abraham, Sarah,David, the father and mother of the prodigal son, and others.Nowhere is there moreunderstanding and comfort than in the Father of heavenwho patiently loves and waits in the lives of His own growingchildren.

Martin R. De Haan II

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo: Mark Gervase/Getty ImagesScripture quotations are from the New King James Version, ©1979, 1980, 1982, ThomasNelson, Inc., PublishersCopyright © 1991, 2001 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

CONTENTSA Wonderful But Difficult Challenge . . . . . . . . 2Marks Of A Lost Perspective . . . . . . . . . 3Does The Bible Promise Good Results? . . . . 4How Can A Parent Find Peace Of Mind? . . . . . . 6

Accepting A Limited Guarantee . . . . . . . . . . . . 6Learning How To Play The Game . . . . . . . . . . . . 8Going Back To School . . . 10Learning From The Family Pet . . . . . . . . 12Living By A Contract . . . . 14Bringing Our Children To Tears . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16Working Like A Farmer . . . . . . . . . . . . 18Accepting The Role Of A Priest . . . . . . . . . . . 20Growing Like Grapes On A Vine . . . . . . . . . . . . 22Looking For Teachable Moments . . . . . . . . . . . . 24Dying A Thousand Deaths . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26Preparing For An Empty Nest . . . . . . . 28Being Late Rather Than Never . . . . . . . . . . 30

Whose Child Are You?. . . . 32

Q0804 Parenting (col) pp 4/4/05 10:47 AM Page 1

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

A WONDERFULBUT DIFFICULTCHALLENGE

LLooking back, few grandparents will say

that being a parentwas easy. Many, however,will say that parenting hasbeen and continues to beone of the most rewardingexperiences of their life.

Others have said thatknowing what they knownow, they wouldn’t havechildren again. Some well-known surveys haveshown that parentaldisillusionment is fairlywidespread. Newspapercolumns and radio andtelevision talk programscontinue to show thatthere’s probably more thana smile behind the followingbumper stickers: • HAPPINESS IS SPENDING

YOUR CHILDREN’SINHERITANCE BEFORE

THEY DO.

• SUCCESS AS A PARENT IS

LIVING LONG ENOUGH TO

BE A PROBLEM TO YOUR

CHILDREN.Behind the humor there

is heartbreak, sleeplessnights, and broken dreams.

The tough part of thissubject for any parent isthat our children are soclose to our hearts. Many ofus will quickly acknowledgethat nothing is as importantas our children. More thana few moms and dads willsay that nothing elsematters if their children arenot happy. Nothing elsematters if a son or daughteris sick, or hurt, or afraid.

Much of this parentalconcern is healthy. It goeswith the territory of lovingenough to care about yourchildren. At some point,however, the care can alsobecome unhealthy. At somepoint the worry over adifficult child can becomeconsuming—and a warningof a lost perspective.

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MARKS OF A LOSTPERSPECTIVE

AAlthough all mothers and fathers experience

moments of parentalfrustration and anger, manyhave said they’d be willingto do anything to assuretheir children’s happiness.It’s not uncommon forparents to wish they couldgive their own lives for the

sake of their child. These are often well-meantexpressions of love, and gowith the territory of being amom or dad.

At some point, though,perspective can be lost.Although the concern and heartbreak is

understandable, it’s nothealthy when a troubledparent lives with thefollowing convictions:

It Wasn’t Supposed ToBe This Way. All too often,parents idealize what itmeans to be a good mom ordad. Many of us haveunrealistic expectations ofthe parenting process. Weassume that if we are goodparents we will have goodchildren—now. Such hopesand assurances are notwhat wise and lovingparenting is all about.

Nothing Else IsImportant. It is possible notonly to idealize the processof parenting, but also toidolize our children. Asimportant as our sons anddaughters are, they are notall-important. We cannotallow them to become theconsuming focus of ourlives. We cannot afford to let our children’s immaturechoices come between our relationship with our

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So much of ourparental anxiety isrooted in unrealistic

expectations.



spouse, or our own Father in heaven.

Our Children’sProblems Reflect OurMistakes. While we allbequeath to our childrenour own human nature, it isunwise to assume that ourchildren’s problems arealways in proportion to ourown mistakes.

In the Old Testamentstory of Job, a troubledman’s three friends wronglyassumed that what hadhappened to Job and hischildren was the result ofJob’s own sin. His friendsunderstood the moralprinciple that “what weplant, we harvest.” But theywere wrong in assumingthat the problems that cameon Job’s family were inproportion to Job’s sin.

If, in our concern for ourchildren, we become awareof our own wrongs, we cando nothing better than toadmit our failures andcommit to change. But it

would be a mistake to thinkthat when we change ourways our children willchange as well.

All Hope Is Lost. Theexperience of Job helps usin another way. In time, helearned that his moments ofdarkness and despair didnot write the last chapter ofhis life. In time, the Godwho had been so silent—forHis own reasons—didspeak. And He spoke withgreat affection.

Many parents havediscovered that the difficulttimes are not forever. Intime, they have learned thevalue of waiting on Godwhile relying on Hisstrength to love and to care with wisdom.

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There is no rulethat our children’sproblems are in

proportion to ourown mistakes.



DOES THE BIBLEPROMISE GOODRESULTS?

OOne of the most quoted parenting principles of the

Bible is found in Proverbs22:6. There Solomon, thewise King of Israel said,“Train up a child in the wayhe should go, and when heis old he will not departfrom it.” In the Hebrewlanguage this literally saysthat if you train up (initiate,imbue, consecrate, ordedicate) a child in his own way (with regard forhis own temperament and individual needs ateach stage of growth ordevelopment), when he isold (from a word that meant“bearded” or “mature”) hewill not depart from it.

Some take this as apromise. Others believe it isa general rule of wisdomthat expresses the amount

of influence a parent has on an impressionable child.There is some truth in eachview. At the very least, thisproverb reflects that if you give a child a goodbeginning by training himin a manner appropriate tohis own distinct needs, thenthe positive influence of thisearly training will remainwith him for the rest of hislife. He will never be able to get away from what theparent has impressed onhim. That doesn’t mean the adult child will alwayscomply with his parents’influence, but he will carrythe memory of their trainingwith him until the day hedies.

Overall, the Bible showsthat a mature approach toparenting will follow theexample of our heavenlyFather. He loved as no otherparent has ever loved, whilealso giving His childrenenough room to make theirown choices and mistakes.

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HOW CAN APARENT FINDPEACE OF MIND?

AAs parents who sometimes find

ourselveswondering about thefuture, we may findourselves wishing that God had assured us ofmore predictable results. It is actually more loving,however, to parent ourchildren without such aconfidence. By looking atthe way our heavenlyFather has loved us, we’llsee that parenting is worththe effort—not because ourchildren always make theright choices but becausewe’ve had the opportunityand privilege and peace of loving them the way our heavenly Father hasloved us.

ACCEPTING A LIMITED GUARANTEE

Good parenting doesn’tguarantee good children. It only assures that ourchildren will have thetremendous advantage ofhaving had a good parent.Think about the God of theBible. He was a perfectparent. But look at Hischildren. Adam and Evewere raised in the best ofenvironments. Yet theythrew it all away, went theway of the snake, and gavebirth to a murderer.

Then came Israel, adearly loved nation who

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repeatedly and chronicallybecame the incorrigible,rebellious child.

Then came the church,who time after time hasgiven her Father a badname all over the earth.

Ezekiel the prophetassumed that a good parentcan have a child who turnsout bad. He also remindedus that a bad parent canhave a child who turns out good. He argued long and hard against adeterministic relationshipbetween parent and child(Ezek. 18:1-28).

This “tension of theexception” runs against the grain of what we oftenexpect in parent-childrelationships. When we seea child from a good familyturn out bad, we areinclined to think that theremust have been a dark sideof parental neglectsomewhere. That might be.But what about the childrenwho come from troubled

homes and turn out great?Are we as quick to thinkthat there must have beensome redeeming anddetermining parental virtuethat we didn’t see? Or arewe inclined to think thatthe child rose above hisroots and decided that hewas going to be different?

It is painful enough tobear the concern that lovingparents feel for the well-being of their children. It isenough to know that wehaven’t given our childrenas much love and patienceand wisdom as we wish we had. It is all the morepathetic, therefore, whenwe are robbed of our peaceby wrong thinking. It isregrettable when parentsexperience false guiltbecause they believe that if they do the right thingstheir children will alwaysturn out well. The truth is that if we do well, ourchildren will be blessedwith a good foundation.

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LEARNING HOW TO PLAY THE GAME

Tennis can be played twoways. It can be played withthe kind of sportsmanshipthat is gracious in winningand gracious in losing. Ortennis can be played merelyfor the win and money. Thelatter is the legacy of someof the young pros who havemarred the dignity of thegame with their center-courttantrums, profanity, officialsbashing, and bitter excuses.

Parents have similaroptions. They canconcentrate on developingtheir own self-control, skill,and reactions. Or they can

try to divert attention fromtheir own weaknesses byblaming others for theirproblems. With the latterapproach, parentingcrumbles into excuses like,“These kids are driving mecrazy. They make me somad. Sometimes I think I’mlosing my mind. I know Ishouldn’t yell and scream,but I can’t help it. Theybring out the worst in me.Besides, I think a lot of myproblem is that I came froma dysfunctional home. Ican’t stop yelling andhitting and arguing withthose brats. I just don’thave it in me.”

Our first parents startedthe ball of blame rolling.Adam blamed Eve. Eveblamed the snake. Thedevil-snake undoubtedlyblamed God. But God heldAdam responsible for hischoices. He made Eveaccountable for what shedecided to do. The snakedidn’t get off the hook either.

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Today we are inclined to say that our parentingproblems are the result ofour own parents’ mistakes.There may be a lot of truthto that. But a long time ago,the Lord taught His peoplenot to blame others for their own choices. Heobjected to a proverb used to diminish a sense of personal responsibilityfor one’s own actions:

The fathers have eatensour grapes, and thechildren’s teeth are set on edge (Ezek. 18:2).Again, that’s not to

say that God denies theproblems we inherit fromour parents. The Scripturescertainly allow for theexistence of learned orbiologically inheritedpredispositions. God said:

I . . . am a jealous God,visiting the iniquity of thefathers on the children to the third and fourthgenerations of those whohate Me (Ex. 20:5).

The Scripture alsoshows, however, that beingunder the influence of ourown parents does notsuspend responsibility forhow we choose to respondto that influence. It is up tous to choose whether wewill unconsciously followthe example of our parents,consciously aspire to it, ordeliberately choose anotherpath.

An immature adolescentson may push us to thelimits. An alcoholic father orneurotic mother may hoverin our memories. But noneof them gives us an excuseto be adolescent, angry,argumentative, or abusive in our own behavior.

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It’s not whether we eventually win

or lose ourchildren, but howwe play the game

that counts.



GOING BACK TO SCHOOL

Just about the time we think we have oureducation behind us, alongcomes a strong-willed, 25-pounds-and-growing toddlerwho quickly pushes us toour wits’ end. Suddenly we find ourselves “back inschool” again. We begin torealize that parenting isn’tjust a matter of slowlydumping our accumulatedknowledge into fresh,receptive, moldable, hungryminds. Once again we beginlooking for more answers.

We develop a newperspective of “the blank

slate” view of childhood. As we pick up the chalk ofparental wisdom, we findthat the blackboard hasbecome greasy andunaccepting of ourenthusiastic desire to write and teach somethingwonderful. This resistanceto our teaching will last foras long as we have ourchildren. We will find, toour disappointment, thatwith few exceptions theylearn best when we arelooking the other way.

This isn’t the way wewanted it. We thought achild should be a fresh and empty document onto

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“The value ofmarriage is not

that adults producechildren but that children

produce adults.”Peter De Vries



which we could transfer allof the knowledge we wishwe had taken to heart whenwe were their age.

Yet learning is occurringwhether we realize it or not. We are finally learningto understand our ownparents. We are finding outwhat it’s like to desperatelylove a little one who seemsdetermined to mimic our faults while resistingour values, expectations,and dreams.

We are learningsomething about the heart of God, which overflowswith love for the little onesbearing His name andlikeness. We are learningsomething about His joy. Weare learning about the painHe feels when He sees Hischildren turn away from Hisloving correction (Isa. 1:2).

We are learning a lotabout ourselves. We findthat these little ones arebringing out the best in us,and the worst. But even the

worst isn’t all bad. Ourfrayed nerves, anxiety, andanger can do the same thingfor us as a headache or afever. The temptation toshout and scream, or throwaround our parentalauthority (“Because I saidso, that’s why!) are symptomsthat must not be ignored.

These reactions tell usthat we still have much tolearn about what God cando in us. We need to growin His insight, His self-control, His ability to moveus with dignity through thechallenges of leading a little“center of the universe” tomaturity. In the knowledgethat this is good for us,there is peace.

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“We never knowthe love of a

parent until webecome parents

ourselves.”H.W. Beecher



LEARNING FROMTHE FAMILY PET

Before resenting thecomparison, think about it.What does it take to teacha dog to sit up and beg?How many times would youhave to swat a dog with arolled-up newspaper, yell,argue, or tear him downwith insults? Chances arethat while you might beable to keep your dog offthe couch with a few swatsof newsprint, the tacticwould fail to get him to situp, roll over, or bring yourslippers to you. Even a dog won’t learn new tricksunless you give him a treat,

a hug, or warm approval.Training a child is

similar. Laying down thelaw, threatening withpunishment, and pullingrank by saying, “Because Isaid so, and I’m your father.That’s why!” only works fora while. After that, all thethreats in the world are not apt to make your childmind. They may incite himto rebel in your face, andcertainly behind your back.

Children cannot beforced to be good—notindefinitely. In time theywill begin doing what theywant to do whether you likeit or not. The key is to helpthem want to do the rightthing so as to adhere toGod’s standards and also to meet their own needs.Everyone wants to be free,

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There is no peace in merely layingdown the law.



to be important, toexperience pleasure, and to be appreciated. Begin byhelping them to feel reallycared for. Encourage them.Spend time with them. Do what they enjoy doing.Hold them. Hug them. Dothings for them that willshow them that they are inyour heart, and that theyare in your heart for theirgood.

Don’t just give themlove. Give them boundariesdesigned to protect theirfreedom. Show them whathappens to people whorefuse to live under the wise and loving rule of God. Find creative ways of showing them that thecounsel of the Word of God has been given to us to meet our deepest needsand wants.

Help them to discoverthe wisdom of the Proverbs,which show over and overagain in many differentways that while God could

just appeal to His authority,He doesn’t. He gives usinsight and incentive.

As a parent, you willavoid much frustration byrealizing the importance ofgiving your children goodreasons and incentives forright choices. They need tosee how these reasons andincentives fit their need for pleasure, importance,freedom, and appreciation.To withhold them is to“provoke your children towrath” (Eph. 6:4) and tolose your own peace ofmind.

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Law minus loveequals rebellion.Love minus law

equals insecurity.Love plus law equals insight and incentive.



LIVING BY ACONTRACT

Wise parents try not tomake their children behave.They realize that theycannot force their childrento be good any more than ahorse can be forced to drinkwater. You can lead thechild to be good, but youcan’t make him. That’s thepower of the human spirit.Children who are sittingdown on the outside canstill be standing up on theinside.

This is not to say thatyou don’t have to makechildren do things theydon’t want to do. There

are exceptions, especially in the early years.

One of the mostimportant lessons to belearned as a parent ismirrored in the way Goddeals with His children. He is a contract-makingGod. He tells us what willhappen if we do what Hetells us to do. Then He tells us, with sufficientspecificity, what willhappen if we refuse. Heoffers to help us make goodchoices if we ask Him forwisdom and readily offersto help us do anything Hewants done that we cannotdo on our own.

Central to the wholerelationship with Hischildren is the matter ofchoice. If His children gobad, it is their choice to doso. When they suffer theconsequences, it is becausethey knowingly chose to goagainst His will.

Put this in a parentingrelationship. This is the

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opposite of trying to make all of our children’sdecisions for them, andthen trying to jump in andprotect them when theyhave made bad choices. It is also the opposite ofjust trying to make ourchildren do what we want them to do.

The best we can do is toshow them clearly what weexpect, and within whatperiod of time. Tell themwhat will happen if theyobey. Tell them what willhappen if they don’t. Then let them choose theconsequences. If they endup being grounded, if theylose television privileges, ifthey are not allowed to usethe car, if they have to go to

bed an hour early, or if theyare not allowed to go withthe family to a ballgame—it’s because of their choice,not ours.

Teaching our children to choose their own path,and then letting themexperience the pleasurableor painful results of theirown choices, is one of themost important things wecan do—not only for thembut also for our own peaceof mind.

To the extent that we dothis, we can stop yelling,threatening, and repeatingourselves. It means we can stop complaining andnagging to pick up the pileof clothes in their room. Itmeans we can lower ourvoice and be civilized aboutour expectations. It is to say,“From now on, children, youchoose how it will be withyou. As God fathers us, sowe will parent you. We’rehere for you, but on theseterms. It’s your move.”

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This means we can stop

yelling, threatening,and repeating

ourselves.



BRINGING OURCHILDREN TOTEARS

We live in a day of rampantchild abuse. So we havebeen rightly sensitized tothe dangers of hitting achild in anger or using anyinstrument, including thehand, which might causeserious physical injury. It’sjust as important to realizethat as a child grows older,he can be corrected by theuse of previously statedconsequences of his ownchoosing (see pp.14-15).

That is one side of thecoin. The other side is thata wise and loving parent

will not be afraid to bringhis child to tears whennecessary. The timelesswisdom of Scripture is clear:• He who spares his rod

hates his son, but he wholoves him disciplines himpromptly (Prov. 13:24).

• Chasten your son whilethere is hope, and do notset your heart on hisdestruction (Prov. 19:18).

• Foolishness is bound upin the heart of a child,but the rod of correctionwill drive it far from him(Prov. 22:15).

• The rod and reproof givewisdom, but a child left tohimself brings shame tohis mother (Prov. 29:15).

• Correct your son, and hewill give you rest; yes, hewill give delight to yoursoul (Prov. 29:17).

• Now no chastening seems to be joyful for thepresent, but grievous;nevertheless, afterward ityields the peaceable fruit

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of righteousness to thosewho have been trained byit (Heb. 12:11).These can be hard words

for a mom or dad to hear.In the short run, it is mucheasier to indulge ourchildren than to put up with the fury of their tearsand complaints. In theshort run, it is painful. Butin the long run, lovinglyappropriate and timelycorrection is necessary both for our child’s well-being and for our ownpeace of mind. Often, ourchildren are much like theservant described in thebook of Proverbs:

A servant will not be corrected by merewords; for though heunderstands, he will not respond (29:19).Let’s pray that when we

bring our children to tears itwill be because of our loverather than our anger.There is no peace of mindpromised to parents who

bring a child to tears out oftheir own selfishness.

This means that parents should not givetheir children reason to say,“You are not being fair withme. You aren’t listening tome. You are demandingmore than I can give. Youare never satisfied. Youoverreact to what I havedone wrong. You refuse toadmit when you are wrong.I can’t reason with you. Youkeep changing your mind.

You just use your authorityas a parent. You are meanand unpredictable. I neverknow when you are going toblow up in anger. I’m afraidof you. You are supposed toprotect me, but I needprotection from you. I hateyou for making me cry.”

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“Fathers, do notprovoke your

children to wrath.”Ephesians 6:4



WORKING LIKE A FARMER

Parenting is more likefarming than cooking. Goodmeals can be prepared in acouple of hours. And byfollowing a recipe, you can be fairly certain of theoutcome. But formulas don’twork very well with children.

To get a model for child-rearing, you need to trackthe bread and beef all theway back to the farm wherethey came from. Now you’recloser to parenting. Parentingis far more “barnyard andback 40” than sugar andspice. Parenting is plowingand digging and raking and

planting. It’s weeding andcultivating and irrigating,and then waiting on theheavens until harvest time.Depending on the year, youmight have a bumper crop.Other harvests could bewiped out by bugs, or disease, or too much rain, or not enough rain, ortoo much heat, or too muchcold.

That’s not to say thatfarming is just a game ofchance. Farming can be veryscientific. Put a loafer or aplayboy on the farm andyou’re almost sure of beinghungry in the fall. A goodfarmer is a hard worker whoknows what to do with thespecific crops or animalshe’s raising. He doesn’t raisechickens like turkeys, norcorn like alfalfa. Above all,you don’t see him tryingquick-recipe formulas with a “sure thing, can’t miss”attitude. A good farmer is ahumble man. He knows hiscash crop, but he doesn’t

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presume upon the outcome.All he knows is what hisresponsibility is at each stepof the way. If he gets abumper crop, it’s because he did the right things thatwere under his control, andalso because the things thatweren’t under his control fellin line.

The apostle Paul alludedto this farming model in hisfirst New Testament letter tothe Corinthians:

Who then is Paul, andwho is Apollos, butministers through whomyou believed, as the Lord gave to each one? I planted, Apolloswatered, but God gavethe increase. . . . Now hewho plants and he whowaters are one, and eachone will receive his ownreward according to hisown labor. . . . And welabor, working with ourown hands. . . . as mybeloved children I warnyou. For though you

might have ten thousandinstructors in Christ, yetyou do not have manyfathers; for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel.Therefore I urge you,imitate me (3:5-6,8;4:12,14-16).Paul was thinking of

spiritual parenting, which isdifferent from raising yourown children. But there arestrong parallels. In bothcases you must do the rightthing, work hard, wait onGod for the harvest, andrealize that you will berewarded— not for theresults but for the lovingnurturing you have given.

Peace of mind is foundnot in trying to force quickgrowth but in realizing thatparenting is a long processof providing what our littleones need, while waiting on them and God for theresults. There is no peace or productivity in trying tospeed up the harvest.

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ACCEPTING THEROLE OF A PRIEST

The Old Testament priestEli raised a child who was not his own (1 Sam.1:24–2:21). For severalyears, Eli acted as a parentto a young boy namedSamuel. But Samuel wasonly a trust placed in Eli’s care. In a sense, wehave a similar relationshipto our children. They arelike everything else we have in our possession. In reality, they are not ourown. Our children havebeen placed in our caretemporarily by the Lord to be raised for Him.

In some ways, thethought that our childrenare not our own isn’t verycomforting. We know whatit feels like to be concernedabout returning a borrowedcar or lawnmower that isworse for the wear. On theother hand, realizing thatour children are the Lord’sis a very liberating thought.It means that the child’srightful owner will makesure that I have all theresources I need to care forthe child in God’s behalf.

Parents are also like Eliin that they are like priests.In Hebrews 5:1-4 we areshown that a priestintercedes in behalf of hispeople, and that he does soin the awareness of his ownweakness. Because heknows his own problems,he can be sympathetic andcompassionate in dealingwith those who come tohim for help. The author ofHebrews wrote this aboutthe high priest:

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He can have compassionon those who areignorant and goingastray, since he himself is also beset by weakness.Because of this he isrequired as for the people,so also for himself, tooffer for sins (Heb. 5:2-3).Since this was spoken

about priests who servedprior to the coming ofChrist, our great HighPriest, some might think it outdated. Yet, the same author also said of Christ:

We do not have a HighPriest who cannotsympathize with ourweaknesses, but was inall points tempted as weare, yet without sin (Heb. 4:15).The New Testament

now calls the children ofGod a kingdom of priests(1 Pet. 2:5,9).

Think of the implicationsfor a parent. It doesn’tmake sense for us to expect

our children to be betterthan we were. We mightlong for them to make goodchoices. We might pray thatthey will be wiser than theiryears. But we haven’talways been wise andwonderful. We’ve beenwhere our children now are.We’ve been just as foolish,just as shortsighted, just asnaive. What we have tooffer them is not a perfect

example, but sympathetic,compassionate hearts thatcontinually go out to themin love and to God theirheavenly Father—andrightful owner—on theirbehalf.

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Parents can havepeace of mind when they haveprayed for thechildren placed in their care.



GROWING LIKEGRAPES ON A VINE

The secret of the fruit is inthe branch and root. Goodparenting is the fruit ofgood character that isrooted and growing in GodHimself. The Bible calls thischaracter the fruit of theSpirit. That is to say that itcomes from the Holy Spiritof God rather than from our own natural ability orenergy. Listen to what theapostle Paul wrote, andthink about how it assuresgood parenting:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,longsuffering, kindness,

goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, self-control.Against such there is nolaw. And those who areChrist’s have crucified the flesh with its passionsand desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit(Gal. 5:22-25).The reason Paul’s words

are so important for parentsis that they not only reflectthe qualities that assuregood parenting, but theyalso point to resources ofthe Spirit we don’t have tofind in ourselves or in ourown experience. If Paul isright, then our own sense of inadequacy and our ownhistory in dysfunctionalrelationships can actuallybe put to work for us. Thosecan be the needs that driveus to find in the Spirit ofour heavenly Father theparenting qualities that are not natural to us.

Listen to what Paulwrote to Christians who

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had been trying to live intheir own strength:

Are you so foolish?Having begun in theSpirit, are you now beingmade perfect by the flesh?Have you suffered somany things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?Therefore He whosupplies the Spirit to you and works miraclesamong you, does He do it by the works of the law,or by the hearing of faith?(Gal. 3:3-5).The spiritual resources of

character Paul was talkingabout are not the result oftrying to live by the idealsof God. They come whenwe believe and trust whatGod says He is willing andable to do in us.

We need to remind oneanother continually that thesecret to good parenting islike fruit that is rooted inthe branches and roots ofthe Spirit of Christ. Whenwe are in agreement with

Christ and His Word (Jn.15:1-14), then we will begrowing in our experienceof the fruit of the Spirit:• supernatural love vs.

sheer effort and fatigue• good sense of humor

(joy) vs. pessimism• calm spirit vs. anxiety• patient attitude vs. quick

anger• kindness vs. meanness• good motives and

intentions vs. selfishness• promise-keeping vs.

breaking your word• gentleness vs. harshness• self-control vs. addictive

behavior

23

We can’t afford to forget where good parentingcomes from.



LOOKING FORTEACHABLEMOMENTS

In the Old Testament, Godtaught His people to buildrock piles so that theirchildren would one day askwhy the stones were there.When the children asked,the parents were to beready to tell the story ofhow the Lord of Israel hadwonderfully met their needsin that place. The secretwas in being ready forteachable moments.

When your children asktheir fathers in time tocome, saying, “What arethese stones?” then you

shall let your childrenknow (Josh. 4:21-22).The parent-teachers

of Israel were not to beboring. They were to do things that wouldencourage their children to ask, “Dad, Mom, why do we do this? Why do we always have an emptyplace-setting at our table?”(See also Dt. 6:6-9,20-25.)

The father who wrote the Proverbs for his sonrealized the power of aword spoken at just theright moment (Prov. 15:23;25:11). He came from atradition that used creativeways to open the hearts ofchildren to life-changingperspectives. The Jews usededucation by rockpiles, by

24

What was theprimary method

Jesus used to teachHis disciples?



riddles, by object lessons,by drama, by word pictures,and by seeing children, overall, as being willing andactive participants in theirown learning.

Such child-ready objectlessons are different fromthe kind of family devotionsthat are forced, ritualistic,and academic. Theseseldom have the desiredspiritual effect. Unless ourwords come at teachablemoments, they are notlikely to draw our children’shearts toward their God.About all forced devotionsdo is help a parent feel lessguilty about something thathe feels he should do.

Planning for and takingadvantage of teachablemoments is far better.Tender discussions aboutlife while enjoying anafternoon in a fishing boat,a walk along a woodedfield, a drive through thecountryside, a spontaneousdiscussion during mealtime,

or a tender Bible story and prayer at bedtime areusually far better received(Dt. 6:6-9) and much moreeffective. The challenge is that you can’t teachchildren this way without a lot of involvement andcreative time spent withthem.

Now, I’m not saying that we should not havemealtime devotions withour children. If it is workingwell and doing what youhoped it would do, thencontinue. But if all you aredoing is trying to force yourchildren to learn something,chances are they may belearning to resent not onlyBible reading and prayer,but also you and your Lord.

25

Making the most of teachable

moments takes time and creativity.



DYING A THOUSANDDEATHS

The most effective parentsdie a thousand deaths.Sometimes it is the result of being embarrassed by the actions of their children.Sometimes it is the result ofutter frustration and fatigue.Sometimes it is over thedeep concern of a son ordaughter’s shortsighted and self-destructive choices. But often these parentsvoluntarily die to their owndesires just because this iswhat it takes to bringchildren into the world.

No one said that

bringing children tomaturity would be easy. It’s hard for a mother to gothrough the contractions oflabor. It’s hard for her togive years of her life toinfants and toddlers whoconstantly demandattention. It’s hard for awife and husband to giveup the freedoms theyenjoyed before children. It’s hard for a father to putaside his strong will andgive his son the space he

needs to make his owndecisions. It’s hard to giveyour children more andmore freedom with less andless control so that they

26

“Unless a grain ofwheat falls into theground and dies,

it remains alone; butif it dies, it produces

much grain.”Jesus (Jn. 12:24)



can begin to feel theresponsibilities of maturity.It’s hard not to jump in andrescue them when they getthemselves in trouble. It’shard to remain firm inproviding reasonableboundaries and controls so that they are not leftentirely on their own. Itwould be easier, sometimes,to give in and get them offyour back. It’s hard tocontinually help them tosee that the real issue is notwhat you want them to dobut what they are going tochoose and with whatconsequences. It’s hard not to jump in and takecontrol. It’s hard to bepatient enough to give themas much time as they needto grow up. It’s like dying to let them go out into thecold, cruel world.

It’s hard to pray for themdaily. It’s harder yet to prayin a way that reflects oursurrender to God. It’s hardto say to the Lord, “Do

whatever it takes to bringmy children to You and tomaturity of faith and love.Lord, do whatever it takes.”

Ironically, we areinclined to think that takingan easier path will result inless pain and more joy.Good parenting, however, is the result of Christlikecharacter. And unless wefollow Christ’s lead and thatof the apostle Paul (2 Cor.4:1-12), we will never seethe difference Christ’s Spiritcan make in us. Only whenwe die to ourselves do ourchildren get the benefit ofChrist parenting through us.

27

“Now My soul istroubled, and whatshall I say? ‘Father,save Me from thishour’? But for thispurpose I came to this hour.”Jesus (Jn. 12:27)



PREPARING FOR AN EMPTY NEST

Empty-nest syndrome hasestablished itself as a realdimension of mid-life crisis.Life after children is nowrecognized as anotherthreat to marriages thathave survived earlier tests.Parents who have lived alltheir lives for their childrensuddenly find themselvesrattling around in an empty house. They becomerestless, unsatisfied, andirritable. Anxiety, anger, and depression can come in slowly like a fog.

If empty-nest syndromemarks yet another test for

parents and their marriage,it should also be seen asthe mark of success andhope for the child.

Children are not born to be children. The highestgood is not to be protectedand directed by a hovering,smothering parent. Fromthe day a baby is born, hisparents should understandthat their mission is toprepare this child to fly.

Maturity is better thanimmaturity, independence is better than dependence,and the day of departure is better than the day ofarrival.

If after working through 28

“The mostimportant thing that parents can

teach their childrenis how to get along

without them.”Frank A. Clark



the normal pains ofdeparture, parents are still apt to be overinvolved,overprotective, andmeddlesome in their adult children’s lives, thenthere is a need for somehousecleaning. It might betime to acknowledge anddiscard a pattern of selfishcontrol and smothering. Itmight be time to accept thefact that we have beenoverinvolved, not for thechild’s good but to indulgeour own selfish needs. It isdifficult to let our childrengo, especially if we havebecome dependent onthem. Dependence signalsthe child in us, and is awarning that we are notfinding our satisfaction and peace in God Himself.

It is interesting to notethe way God parents Hischildren. In both Old andNew Testament times, theheavenly Father temporarilynurtured His children witha heavy provision of

miraculous signs andwonders to assure them of His presence. In time, He withdrew the obviouspresence of the miraculousand forced His children to sink or swim in thedisciplines of faith.

God has made man and woman to leave theirparents and cleave to a new mate of their own. It is in this new sphere ofindependent living that aperson is the freest to learnto love God, parents, mate,children, and friends. It is here that we can findthe peace of mind Godprovides.

29

“There are only twolasting bequests wecan hope to give our

children. One ofthese is roots; the

other, wings.”Hodding Carter



BEING LATERATHER THANNEVER

Saying I’m sorry is betterlate than never saying it atall. Saying I love you isbetter said on a deathbedthan to die without everhaving said it. Finding waysto encourage your childrenlate in life is better thanletting them come to theirown end wondering, “DidMom or Dad ever reallycare about me?” One of themost amazing experiencesis to see the good that a fewwords of encouragementcan do even at the end ofthat parent’s life.

There is no way ofchanging the wrongs of a lifetime. The humanconsequences of selfish,alcoholic, adulterous,abusive, workaholicparenting cannot be wiped away like unwantedchalk on a blackboard. Butyou can know the joys ofthe Teacher who taught Hisfollowers to live one day at a time, confess theirwrongs, make restitutionwhere possible, and therebyknow God’s peace.

30

To finally have the blessing of a parent can

be like a soothing drink of water

so satisfying thatyou remember that

drink every day for the rest of

your life.



But what if the child dies before the parent has a chance to show that care?You can still dignify andhonor the life and memoryof that child. You can putyour mistakes to work forsomeone else who couldbenefit by being cared forby you.

The apostle Paulillustrated the possibility of putting our mistakes towork for others. He becamelike a father to many afterhaving made many violentmistakes. In his early years,he was an angry andabusive man (Acts 8:1-3).His actions left memoriesthat weighed heavily onhim (1 Tim. 1:15). Yet hedidn’t give up. He went onto become one of the mostimportant parent figures ofall time. Driven by themistakes of his past, and by the forgiving love ofGod, he went on to be likea father to those whosoaked up his love, his

wisdom, his example, andhis prayers.

After finding out howmuch God loved him, aftera change of heart, and afterexperiencing the redeeming

strength of Christ, Paulbecame known for hisexample, his advice, his correction, and his warm, affirming words ofencouragement. He learnedto provide the gentleness ofa mother and the strongcomfort and challenge of afather (1 Th. 2:7-12). His“adopted” children wouldcertainly say, “Better latethan never.”

31

It’s not too late to honor the life

or memory of a child.



WHOSE CHILDARE YOU?

YYou don’t have to bethe adult child of adivorce, or of an

alcoholic, a workaholic, or a physically, verbally, or sexually abusive mom ordad to have doubts aboutyourself as a parent. All ofus have questions aboutwhat we are going to passalong to our children. Someof us wonder whether weare going to be able to be asgood for our children as ourparents were for us. Thegood news is that we don’thave to pass along a legacyof parental inadequacy.

The God of the Bible has offered to adopt, raise,and live His life throughyou if you will allow Him to parent you. The God and Father of the LordJesus Christ has offered toadopt and name you in Hiseternal inheritance if you

will acknowledge your sins and trust Christ for forgiveness and life(Eph. 1:3-12; 1 Jn. 5:1).

In this new relationshipto God, a parent can find a love, a security, and aconfidence that God alonecan give. It begins as wetrust Christ as Savior fromsin’s eternal penalty. Itcontinues as we rely onHim for wisdom andenablement.

This is the only way that“children having children”really works in our favor.When we trust God andlive as His children, He will develop within us thecharacter that is the secretof good parenting.

32

Not only can you be a child of God, but He can enable you to live like one!



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