care & inform support for grieving in exceptional times
TRANSCRIPT
Care & Inform
Support for Grieving in Exceptional Times
Acknowledging and coping with grief from a COVID-19 death ........ 3
Grieving in exceptional times .................................................................5
Grief at work during COVID-19 .............................................................. 7
Planning a funeral in exceptional times .............................................. 17
Planning a funeral when your relative has died from COVID-19 ........19
Finding new ways for children to say goodbye .................................10
Helping children grieve during COVID-19 ............................................13
Supporting teenagers to grieve during COVID-19 ............................ 15
1. Grief
3. Funerals
2. Children & Grief
Irish Hospice Foundation Table of Contents 1
Introduction
Irish Hospice Foundation (IHF) is a national charity that addresses dying, death, and bereavement in Ireland.
We offer support and guidance for people of every age and stage of grief.
Everyone experiences death through bereavement and we believe support in grief should be available for all
who need it. Being there for those who are grieving and understanding their needs is a key pillar of our work.
As a national leader in the development of bereavement care, we are working in collaboration with
bereavement care providers and charities to provide information, resources and programmes for individuals,
families, communities and workplaces.
We hope this collection of information gives you some guidance and support as you or someone you care
about navigates their grief at this time.
Our Bereavement Support Line, in partnership with the HSE, is open Monday-Friday 10am-1pm on
1800 80 70 77. It is there to provide connection, comfort and support to those who are grieving and those
who care about someone who is grieving in these exceptional times.
Irish Hospice Foundation Introduction2
1Grief
Irish Hospice Foundation Acknowledging and coping with grief from a COVID-19 death 3
The world is reeling from the impact of COVID-19.
If your loved one has died due to COVID-19,
you may feel your own world has turned upside
down.
You may be experiencing different feelings. You
may feel out of control and upset. You may feel
abandoned, isolated or lonely. You could feel
angry or let down, you may feel afraid. You may
feel that this is unfair. You may even feel both
relieved that the worst has happened and is now
over, and guilty for this relief. You may jump
from one feeling to another, the nature of grief is
that it shifts and changes.
Talking to others about what you are
experiencing and feeling may help. You may also
experience people seeking ways to be kind to you
and being concerned about you as you mourn.
People may acknowledge your pain and seek to
comfort you, even if they cannot visit. Try to
keep connected with people as much as you can.
On unexpected death
The nature of the COVID-19 illness is that it
comes on relatively suddenly and in that way it is
unexpected. You may feel unprepared for the loss
of your loved one and also experience shock.
It may take you some time to fully realise what
has happened and what it means for you now and
in the future. You may find yourself going over
the events and re-telling the story of what has
happened. Talking about what has happened is a
way of coming to terms with its reality.
After a death, family and friends may seek to
come together and share their experiences and
loss. Due to the current restrictions, coming
together physically will not be possible. However,
you can connect with others outside your
household in different ways such as, by telephone,
text, email, video call, or in groups through video
conference calls. Do try to stay connected.
Acknowledging and coping with grief from a COVID-19 death
A relationship is made up of all of
life’s shared times, this can never be taken away
from you.
Irish Hospice Foundation Acknowledging and coping with grief from a COVID-19 death4
1Grief
On not being there
You or your family members may not have been
able to spend much time with your loved one prior
to the death, or be present at the time of your
loved one’s death.
This may make it more difficult to feel that the
death is real or bring up feelings of regret, anger or
even guilt.
It can be hard to find meaning and peace/comfort
at times like this. The COVID-19 pandemic has
meant people like yourself have had to make very
difficult sacrifices to protect the health of others.
While you will of course be thinking about all that
happened including death, try not to dwell on
these painful aspects. A relationship is made up
of all of life’s shared times, this can never be taken
away from you.
On saying goodbye
The burial or cremation convened for your loved
one will not be what you would have planned. Try
to consider it as a step along the way.
In the meantime, take time to find ways of saying
a private goodbye. This may be through prayer
and reflection, through writing to the person or
organising mementos and photographs of them
into a display.
Perhaps set a time aside when family members
and extended friends will light a candle in their
own homes, perhaps while reading a special poem
or prayer, or listening to some music that was
important to your loved ones.
On looking after yourself
These are very exceptional times and a hard time
to be grieving.
• You need to consider the most basic things,
so eat well and stay hydrated. Try to get a
little bit of regular exercise each day – even if
that is moving around in your own home or
garden.
• Even though you may not feel like it, get up
at a normal time, try to keep to a routine.
• Keep as connected as you can and talk with
people about how you’re doing.
• Look especially to connect with people who
will accept you as you are at this time, and
allow you to be yourself – however that is
(sad, relieved, up and down).
• Grief takes time, and it changes over time.
If you are concerned about how you’re doing
seek information (we have indicated some
Useful Resources below), talk to your GP or
contact our national Bereavement Support
Line 1800 80 70 77.
Useful Resources • National Bereavement Support Line
(Freephone, 10am to 1pm, Monday to
Friday) https://hospicefoundation.ie/
bereavementsupportline
• Bereaved.ie
• Minding your mental health during the
Covid-19 pandemic (HSE Mental Health)
https://www2.hse.ie/wellbeing/mental-
health/covid-19/bereavement-and-grief-
during-the-coronavirus-pandemic.html
• Children and grief
www.childhoodbereavement.ie
• Death and bereavement during COVID-19
(Citizen information) https://www.
citizensinformation.ie/en/death/death_and_
bereavement_during_covid19.html
• COVID-19 (Coronavirus): A guide for the
bereaved (Department of Health) https://
www.gov.ie/en/publication/f43301-covid-
19-coronavirus-a-guide-for-the-bereaved/
We offer you our condolences and sincerely hope that you will have the help and support you need
over the coming time.
1Grief
Irish Hospice Foundation Grieving in exceptional times 5
What is Grief?
A death in your family or in your circle of
friends is always difficult. You may feel shocked,
upset, tearful or distressed. You may find it
difficult to concentrate and to realise what has
happened. You may be angry or frightened. These
experiences are particularly confusing and intense
in the early days and weeks of a bereavement.
In Ireland, we have a long tradition of coming
together in the days after a death. We all
understand the rituals that happen around a
death, and they often provide comfort. These may
involve a wake, a funeral, a burial or cremation.
There may be a gathering or meal after the
funeral and later, a month’s mind.
People have found arranging a funeral, meeting
with family and friends to be helpful. We share
stories and memories about the person who died.
We laugh and we cry. We pay tribute to the
person who died through our mourning.
The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the
traditional ways we mark our grief. For the
moment, it’s not possible to come together and to
gather in one location. It’s not possible to have a
large funeral. It may not be possible to receive the
company of those who wish to offer condolences.
However, we can support ourselves and each
other in different ways.
10 ways to support yourself when you are grieving
1. Try not to become emotionally isolated.
Even if people cannot visit you, allow them
to offer their condolences and support in
different ways; you may receive texts, emails
and messages through social media as well
as phone calls.
2. Try to allow yourself to feel and react in a
way that is natural to you. We sometimes
say that ‘grief is the price we pay for love’,
and there is no doubt but it is painful.
3. Keep conversations going with the people
who are closest to you, your family or close
circle of friends.
4. Even if those closest to you are not
physically near, reach out to them and make
sure to telephone someone each day.
5. Having ‘conversations’ through WhatsApp
or through Facebook can mean there is a
regular flow of communication through the
day. They can remind you that people are
thinking about you.
Grieving in exceptional times
Irish Hospice Foundation Grieving in exceptional times6
1Grief
6. Remember to eat and to keep hydrated.
Your body has needs and grief is hard work.
7. Keeping some routine can be helpful and
mealtimes play an important part in this.
So too, does bed-time and getting-up time.
Try to stick to your normal routine as much
as possible. Try getting out in the garden, if
possible.
8. If there are children in your family, check-
in with them often. Answer their questions
honestly. Don’t ‘fob them off’. There are
some useful resources below.
9. Children may appear sad and happy in
the space of minutes. It can be likened
to jumping in an out of the puddles. Let
children set their own pace.
10. Try to limit how much news and social
media you consume – when you are feeling
very sad, regular news can be distressing.
Remember, in grief you can only do the best you
can, try to be tolerant and kind to yourself.
Five ways to help others who are grieving
1. To help a grieving friend, think about how
you might send your condolences – write a
card, complete an online condolence such
as on RIP.ie, send a text or telephone. You
might share photos or drop food and little
gifts at a person’s door to offer comfort.
2. Reach out, make yourself available not
just in the short term but in the weeks and
months to come.
3. Ask your friend how they are doing, ask
what might help, listen carefully.
4. Offer practical help, for example with meals,
shopping etc.
5. Offer to help with technology, for example
with setting up video calls, WhatsApp or
other ways of keeping in touch.
Useful Resources
Some useful websites and resources include;
• Our Bereavement Support Line
It provides a confidential space for
people to speak about their experience
or to ask questions relating to the death
of someone during the COVID-19
pandemic or a previous bereavement
that is more difficult at this time. It’s
a national freephone service 1800 80
70 77 available from 10am to 1pm,
Monday to Friday.
• Care and Inform series
Other resources in the Care & Inform
series that you might find helpful
include information on supporting
children and teenagers; supporting
employees and colleagues; and planning
a funeral during COVID. https://
hospicefoundation.ie/our-supports-
services/bereavement-loss-hub/
grieving-during-covid-19/
• Bereaved.ie
• HSE minding your mental health
https://www2.hse.ie/wellbeing/mental-
health/covid-19/bereavement-and-
grief-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic.
html
• What’s Your Grief (USA) https://
whatsyourgrief.com/mental-health-and-
coronavirus/
• Cruse Bereavement Care (UK) https://
www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/coronavirus-
bereavement-and-grief
• Irish Childhood Bereavement Network
https://www.childhoodbereavement.ie
Irish Hospice Foundation Grief at work during COVID-19 7
1Grief
Grieving during COVID-19
Grieving can be challenging at the best of times
but the COVID-19 pandemic has made things
more difficult for those employees whose loved
ones or friends have died.
With public health and social distancing
restrictions people may not have been able to:
• visit their loved one when they were sick.
• be with them when they died.
• see the body of their loved one before burial.
• have a traditional funeral service.
• experience physical comfort and support to/
from family and friends.
In addition, they may be sick themselves and/
or have to self-isolate. They may also be worried
about infecting others. Employees may also be
working from home making it more difficult to
avail of the spontaneous support of colleagues.
These realities can make the experience of
grieving more challenging for the employee.
Regardless of when a death occurs, and whether
it is from COVID-19 or something else, for that
employee, their world stops. Death is no longer
a statistic – it’s their family member, friend or
colleague.
How to respond - compassion trumps policy and procedure
We know from research (See Note 1) that what
employees value most from their employer when
they’re grieving is to be treated with compassion.
Policies around leave entitlements and flexible
working are also important at these times, but
being treated with compassion is what matters
most.
A marathon not just a sprint
Grieving is a process which will take a long time
as the employee adjusts to the new reality of life
without the person who has died. This will take
time and patience and is more of a marathon
than a sprint. However, there are things that
can be done now which will make the process of
adjustment less difficult for the employee in the
long run. We call these Bereavement First Aid.
Grief at work during COVID-19Supporting Staff Bereaved during COVID-19
Irish Hospice Foundation Grief at work during COVID-198
1Grief
Bereavement First Aid – Acknowledge, Validate, Support/Signpost (AVS)
Acknowledge
It’s very important to acknowledge what has
happened i.e. the death of this individual person,
and to offer your sympathies. This is particularly
valuable when done sensitively by an employer.
Don’t worry too much about finding the perfect
words – just be genuine and be yourself. Try to
think of what you would say if it was a friend
whose loved one had died.
For example: “Jim, I am very sorry to hear about
your father.”
Wait a moment – allow the person to take in
what you’re saying.
Then: “My sincere sympathy to you and your family.”
If you cannot speak to the employee in person,
write a note or send a text/email. It’s important
for the employer to be proactive, particularly
during the COVID-19 pandemic and to take
the initiative to reach out to an employee who is
bereaved.
Validate
When someone close to us dies, we can
experience a range of emotions including sadness,
anger, disbelief, numbness, despair, etc. During
COVID-19 restrictions, employees may also
feel disconnected and isolated. It’s important
to validate these emotions as a normal part of
grieving.
For example: “It’s very understandable that you
would feel that way given what has happened.”
or
“I understand this is a difficult time for you.”
Support/Signpost
One of the most helpful things for an employee
who is bereaved, is good support from their
line manager. This involves understanding and
compassion. It is about a human response to a
human situation. Work comes second. Don’t
worry about trying to find the right thing to
say or do. Just be yourself and be caring and
compassionate.
For example: “Jim, I want to assure you of my
support at this time, can you tell me how I might do
this?”
Or
“Jim, I want to support you, what would help you at
the moment?”
Let the employee know the organisation is also
supporting them at this difficult time and what it
has in place to do this.
For example, if your organisation has any of the
following listed below, give this information to
the employee who is bereaved (don’t assume they
know already):
• company bereavement policy.
• bereavement leave entitlements.
• flexible work options that can be applied to
bereavement.
• knowledge of local/national bereavement
supports (See Useful Resource).
• Employee Assistance Programme.
Help
Tips
Assistance
Guidance
Support
Advice
Irish Hospice Foundation Grief at work during COVID-19 9
A good way to do this is to give the person a hard
copy of the information and include a personal
note (so they can read it in their own time). If
this isn’t possible, use email, and again express
your sympathies.
You can make a difference
The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the way
we work and how we can support each other
when we are grieving. This is particularly the
case for organisations wanting to support their
employees who are bereaved at this time.
You can make a difference. There are things
managers and human resource professionals can
do that will make a difference to employees who
experience grief at this difficult time.
• Be proactive – reach out.
• Be compassionate - ask what might help,
listen carefully.
• Remember Bereavement First Aid –
Acknowledge, Validate, Support/Signpost
(AVS).
Note 1: Grief in the Workplace Research (Dec 2018)
Key Findings:
1. What do Irish employees want most from
their employer when they are bereaved?:
a) to be treated with compassion (75%),
b) extra leave entitlements (61%),
c) flexible work policies around location
and work (57%),
d) acknowledgement of their loss by the
organisation and colleagues (41%),
and
e) respecting their privacy (34%).
2. Only 3 in 10 Irish adults said their
employer has a bereavement policy.
For support, advice and training on Grief
in the Workplace breffni.mcguinness@
hospicefoundation.ie
1Grief
Useful Resources
Phonelines
Irish Hospice Foundation Bereavement
Support Line 1800 80 70 77 (Mon -Fri
10am – 1pm)
Barnardos Bereavement Helpline (Children)
(01) 473 2110 (Mon -Thu 10am – 12pm)
Websites
• Irish Hospice Foundation
COVID-19 Care & Inform
https://hospicefoundation.ie/i-need-
help/i-care-for-someone/covid19-
care-and-inform/
• Bereaved.ie
• Grief at Work
www.griefatwork.ie
• Irish Childhood Bereavement
Network
www.childhoodbereavement.ie
• HSE Coronavirus Hub
https://www2.hse.ie/coronavirus
• Coping with Bereavement During
COVID-19
https://www.cseas.per.gov.ie/covid-
19-bereavement-support/#
• Bereavement, loss and grief in a time
of COVID-19 -IBEC
https://www.ibec.ie/employer-hub/
covid-19/bereavement-loss-and-grief-
in-a-time-of-covid
Irish Hospice Foundation Finding new ways for children to say goodbye10
2Children & Grief
Developed in partnership with our Irish Childhood Bereavement Network.
In normal times, when someone is very unwell,
we would encourage parents to allow children
take part in opportunities to say goodbye to loved
ones in any way they feel comfortable. Children
and young people are usually very involved in a
family member’s final days, in our end-of-life
goodbyes and funeral traditions.
It helps them understand the finality of death
and it shows them how to give and receive
compassion. Children often like to feel they have
contributed to the care of the person and can
often take a lot of comfort in the future for being
part of little acts of kindness in the care of their
sick relative.
During these exceptional times, however, it
might not be possible to take part in our normal
end-of-life and funeral practices. Infection
controls may mean family members do not have
an opportunity to spend time with someone who
is dying, to say goodbye or attend funerals.
Children will need a lot of reassurance and love
during these distressing times. They need to
know that even though the adults around them
are worried and very sad, they will still be able to
care for them. They may also feel that they need
permission to show their emotions and talk about
their feelings.
Children may worry they have not been as good
at following the measures to stop the spread of
COVID-19 or they may hear things in the media
about how children are vectors playing a role in
spreading the virus. These anxieties will be worse
if someone close to them dies.
Young children may blame themselves in some
way for the death. It is normal for primary school
aged children to engage in ‘magical thinking’, this
means they can invent explanations in their heads
about why bad things have happened.
When a loved one is dying
For children and young people who have a
relative who is dying, the restrictions can mean
they will not be able to spend time with their
dying relative, they may not even be allowed
touch or hug them or even be in the same room.
Here are some suggestions for families if
children cannot visit at end of life:
• explain the situation to children in a clear
and honest way.
• talk them through what is happening and
how the person they love is being cared for
at the end of their life.
Finding new ways for children to say goodbye
Irish Hospice Foundation Finding new ways for children to say goodbye 11
• be prepared to repeat the same information
as children may need lots of opportunities
to hear what is being said so they can take
it in.
• give them as much reassurance as possible
without taking away from the truth that it is
not an ideal situation for anyone.
• help them prepare for ways to say goodbye –
allow them respect to plan it their own way.
• help them express their messages of love
through art, poems, music, cards and letters.
Allow children to write their own message
to the person. If there are a number of
children in your household, they may like to
do the activity together with siblings but to
keep their message private.
• use technology to help children and young
people share messages if they wish and talk
to loved ones.
• make recording to share at a later stage by
way of a digital memory box.
• if it is feasible, set up a video link for an
interactive conversation.
• keep them informed but don’t pressure
them – there is no right or wrong way to say
goodbye.
Children may worry that someone else in the
family will become sick; reassure them that they
will be cared for no matter what happens. We
can also reassure that it is hoped no one else in
the family will get sick in the same way, but being
careful not to promise that no-one will ever get
sick again.
When a loved one dies
Breaking bad news
Telling a child about the death of a loved one
should take place as early as possible to allow the
information to sink in. Then the child can ask
questions later on, when they have had time to
think.
2Children & Grief
The best thing is to give them honest, age-
appropriate information about the death. It’s
painful to see a child upset, but children do cope
better with sad news when they are told the
truth. Helping children understand death and
grief will vary depending on the child’s age and
developmental stage. See our simple guide here;
https://www.childhoodbereavement.ie/families/
childrens-grief/
A good place to start is to check what the child
already understands about the person’s condition,
and the conversation can build from there. Asking
children what they understood is a great way to get
a sense of how much they have taken in.
Each child will react differently, some may behave
as if they have not been told anything, or they
may be upset or angry. Some children do not
want all the details other may want very specific
information. Be guided by the child; let their
questions lead the conversation. Don’t worry if you
haven’t got all the answers, let them know you will
find out and re-visit the conversation again.
Children are hearing a lot about COVID-19
deaths. If the death does not relate to the virus,
it is important that children are given the name
of the illness the person has died from. So for
example, they should be told that the person is
dying from cancer and that they are not dying
from COVID-19. It helps to give them a little
bit of information about cancer and especially
that it is not an illness that you can catch from
another person. This will help to reassure them
with their very normal worries.
Funerals
Funerals also help children feel less isolated as
they are part of something they share with other
adults and children in their families. Often for
children, funerals connect them with extended
family members, particularly cousins and relations
who are of a similar age. During COVID-19
restrictions, we know our physical contact and
possibly children’s attendance at funerals may be
very limited.
Here are some suggestions for families if
children cannot attend the funeral:
• help them pick something that can be laid
beside the person, something that has a
meaning for them like a toy, a letter, a paper
flower, a poem or a drawing.
• if one person can attend, they can explain in
detail to the children what the person looks
like and where their body is being looked
after.
• let children and young people be part of
planning the arrangement, they might
choose some readings, music and write part
of the eulogy.
• consider setting up a ‘virtual wake’ so
children can honour the life of the person
by sharing special memories and stories
about the person who has died.
• many places are arranging live streaming
so you can follow the same order of service
from home, dress and prepare as you would
as if you were attending in person.
• for adults who can attend, maybe bring
home mementos – a flower, leaf, booklet,
photo, you might also consider taking some
photographs to show children afterwards.
• pick a day or time for everyone to stop for a
moment and light a candle in memory of the
person.
• respect their views, allow them to express their
feeling in their own way, some might want to
do this privately other may want to share.
• the COVID-19 restrictions mean children
and young people’s normal routine is
completely changed, they have fewer places
to go and connect with people outside their
household who normally support them –
friends, teachers and wider family.
Remember grief is an ongoing process for adults
and children. How they feel will continue to
evolve in the coming weeks and months. It may
be helpful to let teachers know of a death in the
family when children return to school.
They will rely heavily on family support during
these hard times, it is important that parents and
caregivers, who are also grieving, find ways to get
support for themselves.
Mind yourself so you can mind them.
Useful Resources
• The Irish Childhood Bereavement
Network. Feel free to contact.www.
childhoodbereavement.ie
• Barnardos Bereavement Helpline
Service. Tel. (01) 473 2110. Available
10am-12pm, Monday to Thursday
• The Children’s Grief Centre.
Visit www.childrensgriefcentre.ie
• https://www.psych.ox.ac.uk/files/
research/how-to-tell-children-that-
someone-has-died.pdf
The best thing is to give children honest, age-
appropriate information about the death.
It’s painful to see a child upset, but children do cope better with
sad news when they are told the truth
Irish Hospice Foundation Finding new ways for children to say goodbye12
2Children & Grief
Irish Hospice Foundation Helping children grieve during COVID-19 13
2Children & Grief
Developed in partnership with our Irish Childhood Bereavement Network.
During these weeks of isolation, sadly some
families will experience the death of a loved one; it
may be due to COVID-19 or it may be completely
unrelated. It’s natural to want to protect and
shield children when someone dies; however, we
need to talk to children to help them feel safer.
The best thing to do is give children honest, age-
appropriate information about death. It is painful
to see a child upset, but children cope better with
sad news when they are told the truth. Helping
children understand death and grief will vary
depending on the child’s age and developmental
stage. See our simple guide here: https://www.
childhoodbereavement.ie/families/childrens-grief/
Funerals
In normal times, we would encourage parents
to allow children take part in opportunities to
say goodbye to loved ones in any way they feel
comfortable. Children and young people are
usually very involved in our funeral traditions.
It helps them understand the finality of death
and itshows them how to give and receive
compassion. Funerals also help children feel
less isolated as they are part of something they
share with other adults and children in their
families. Often for children, funerals connect
them with extended family members, particularly
cousins and relations who are of a similar age.
During these exceptional times, however, it is
not be possible to take part in our normal end-
of-life and funeral practices. Infection controls
may mean family members do not have an
opportunity to spend time with someone who is
dying,to say goodbye or attend funerals.
Create a sense of connection
We can try and create the sense of connection
that would have happened at funerals in different
ways. While children may have to be in their own
homes, they can connect digitally with cousins
and friends to share memories and create ideas
together.
Adults can plan sessions for everyone to read the
poems or play the song that they would have if
funeral gatherings were not restricted. Due to
COVID-19 restrictions, we must keep physically
distant from each other, yet this is especially hard
when we are grieving.
Reaching out and giving a hug to those around
us is our normal ways of showing support but
now we must restrict these comforts to only those
within our safe isolation zone.
Children are normally isolated within the tight
family context and should be comforted in the
normal way. In fact, being together in isolation
may allow more time to support each other
withyour emotions and feelings around the loss.
Helping children grieve during COVID-19
We know this is a scary time for everyone,
especially children and young people. Children need adults to
help them understand what’s going on, to help them talk about what
frightens them and to help reassure them.
Remember there are no restrictions on household
hugs so, you might encourage each family
member to offer support and hugs to the children
within the confines of your own household.
There are no restrictions on household hugs.
Finding new ways to connect in our grief
We have had to adapt and develop new ways
around supporting each other grieve until the
crisis passes. Children and young people can be
encouraged to use their creativity and technical
skills to generate ideas to help.
Younger children might use arts and crafts to
create stories and pictures of their loved one and
develop memory boxes and scrapbooks to share
with siblings, cousins etc.
For older children, they might create a group chat
or Facetime/Zoom among cousins and friends to
share memories, pictures and videos to create a
virtual ceremony to mark the life of their loved one.
Children express their feeling in many different
creative ways and while social media will be
an important part of this, they can also use the
traditional things like making a phone call,
writing apoem or song, going for a walk to the
loved ones favourite place or baking/cooking
their favourite recipe.
Staying emotionally connected is very important
– help children reach out and talk to their friends
and family. Encourage children to talk about
their emotions; let them know they can come to
you and that it is okay to be sad/confused/angry/
lonely, that grief is messy but, together you will
help each other.
The world is a very scary place now. COVID-19 is
on all our minds but for families who are bereaved
their grief is the biggest thing on their minds.
Children get their support through grief mainly
from family, this means that adults supporting
children need to look after their own grief as well.
The COVID-19 crisis impacts all of us
We are all going to be challenged but one of
the best things we can do is follow the official
guidance and play our part to stop the spread.
Sometimes we will be angry, sad and confused
by all that is going on.Children will have these
feeling as well; they may worry they have not
been as good at following the measures to stop
the spread. These anxieties will be worse if
someone close to them dies, as adults our job isto
reassure them that no one is to blame.
Useful Resources
• The Irish Childhood Bereavement
Network. Feel free to contact.www.
childhoodbereavement.ie
• Barnardos Bereavement Helpline
Service - (01) 473 2110 is available
from 10am-12pm Monday to Thursday
• The Children’s Grief Centre
are available online at www.
childrensgriefcentre.ie
Some resources for activities with grieving
children;
• https://www.dougy.org/docs/
Movement_Activites_Sheet.pdf
• https://shop.winstonswish.org/
collections/books/products/muddles-
puddles-and-sunshine
Irish Hospice Foundation Helping children grieve during COVID-19 14
2Children & Grief
Irish Hospice Foundation Supporting teenagers to grieve during COVID-19 15
2Children & Grief
Developed in partnership with our Irish Childhood Bereavement Network.
Under normal circumstances, grief can feel
isolating, however during COVID-19 restrictions
it is especially important to find ways to support
and connect with each other. Grief is made up of
many feelings and reactions and can be confusing.
All of us, at every age, are challenged by grief.
Adolescence is a time of great change. As
teenagers try to bridge the gap between
childhood and adulthood, they struggle with
issues of identity and independence. As children
move towards adulthood and become more
independent they look towards friends and peers
more and more. Losing someone at this time
can make life very difficult. It is particularly
important to think about how to support
teenagers through grief in the changed territory
created by COVID -19.
The Irish Childhood Bereavement Network
(ICBN) has developed some specific resources
to help you understand and to support a grieving
young person or teenager.
See our simple guide here: https://www.
childhoodbereavement.ie/families/adolescents-
and-grief/
Coping with grief
When someone close to us dies, funerals are one
of the key ways we come together, young people
normally hang out with cousins and family
friends their own age, which can help build a
sense of community at difficult times.
The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the
traditional ways we mark our grief. For the
moment,it is not possible to come together and
gather in one location. It is not possible to have a
large funeral.
However teenagers and young people are experts
at socially connecting, and being physically apart
does not stop them. They ‘gather ’through a range
of social media platforms.
Connecting and sharing are important when
trying to come to terms with a death and to
engage in grieving. While adults may often argue
with teenagers about the use of social media,
during COVID-19 restrictions we have all
become more dependent on using social media to
stay connected.
Let young people help show adults good ways
to harness social media by:
• setting up virtual family gatherings to share
memories, pictures and videos.
• exploring ways to create a virtual ceremony
to mark the life of their loved one.
• exploring websites and podcasts from good
sources to help find ways to understand and
cope with the emotional turmoil of grief.
• helping set up virtual art & crafts sessions for
younger siblings and cousins to build memory
boxes and other ways to express grief.
• be mindful of the information you share,
use reliable sources and be sensitive to the
fact that we all grieve differently and there is
no right way to grieve.
• let young people be part of planning the
arrangement, they might choose some
readings, music and write part of the eulogy.
Supporting teenagers to grieve during COVID-19
• respect their views, allow them to express
their feeling in their own way, some might
want to do this privately others may want to
share.
• teenagers themselves may also communicate
across multiple platforms like Snapchat,
Instagram, Twitter etc in order to express
their feelings with their peers.
Remember some of these old fashions things as well:
• writing letters and postcards.
• making a phone call.
• writing a poem or song.
• going for a walk to the loved one’s favourite
place.
• baking or cooking their favourite recipe.
• planting something and nurturing its
growth – if you have no seeds take a snip
from a plant you are already growing.
• visiting the grave of your loved one while
keeping social distance can be comforting
for many.
Remember
• balance of structure and ‘downtime’ is
important.
• families are spending more time at home
together during these periods of lockdown,
while it is hard for everyone to have their
own much needed space, it may also present
an opportunity to have conversations about
learning to live with grief and loss.
• sometimes we will be angry, sad and confused
by all that is going on. Stay emotionally
connected and find ways that suit you to
express your feelings and emotions.
The COVID-19 crisis impacts all of us
We are all going to be challenged and the best we
can do is follow the official guidance and play our
part to stop the spread.
Feel free to contact the Irish Childhood
Bereavement Network
Useful Resources
Barnardos Bereavement Helpline Service.
Tel. (01) 473 2110. Available 10am-12pm,
Monday to Thursday
The Children’s Grief Centre.
Visit www.childrensgriefcentre.ie
Irish Hospice Foundation Supporting teenagers to grieve during COVID-1916
2Children & Grief
It is important for teenagers and important
for families who are isolated together to make time to talk,
share,cry and hug.
Irish Hospice Foundation Planning a funeral in exceptional times 17
3Funerals
If you’re caring for someone who is very sick
and are worried they may die, or someone you
love has just died, you may have some concerns
about what might happen at a funeral during this
COVID-19 response period.
In Ireland, funerals are how we celebrate and
commemorate those who have died. As you
navigate this new reality please remember death
ends a life, not a relationship and your connection
with the person who has died will remain.
We send our heartfelt condolences to you as you
enter this different journey. In these difficult
times, people are willing to help in different ways.
We have prepared this leaflet to give you some
ideas as you plan a funeral for a loved one, but
also to remind you to reach out and ask for help.
What you should do
We appreciate that physical distancing
requirements make this bereavement and funeral
even more difficult but there are immediate steps
you can take to plan the funeral of someone you
love or care about.
• Do contact your preferred funeral director
as soon as you are able. Your funeral
director will be equipped with most up-
to-date information and procedures due to
the COVID-19 response period. They will
guide you through the process, and ensure
you are cared and minded for.
• Do ask as many questions as you need to. It
is important to know as much as possible,
for example practices such as carrying the
coffin may not be allowed. Ask your funeral
director to explain the current restrictions.
• Do let people know of the death – you can
still place a death notice, to be published
online, on radio or in print. If the funeral is
being streamed (broadcast from the church/
crematorium or other setting) the link can
be provided to people at home and abroad.
• Do remember the funeral will be planned as
private, for close family only. However, you
can organise readings, poems or eulogies,
even if the service is short.
• Do remember that everybody will
understand how difficult a funeral is at this
exceptional time – people will respect and
support you as best they can.
• Do know that you may not be able to gather
with others in a restaurant or someone’s
home after the funeral. Plan within your
own household what you are going to do
after the funeral, e.g. having a special meal,
plan some exercise or agreeing just to rest.
Some family and friends may decide to
come together after the funeral for a virtual
gathering over Zoom or a similar platform.
Planning a funeral in exceptional times
Where we can no longer reach out with our hands, we must now reach out with our
hearts. Keep our distance but keep in touch, stay apart but stay
in contact.Government of Ireland
As it is not possible during this time to have
public reposes or wakes in funeral homes, there
are ways you can keep the funeral personal and
beautiful, and to involve others in remembering
your loved one.
• Do make use of RIP.ie online condolence
book to record messages of love and
appreciation. In the death notice you can
invite people to leave personal messages.
• Do think about hosting a memorial service
at a later time, and plan that, in time, when
you feel able.
• Do ask people to send you a letter or write
you a card with their memories of the
person who has died.
• Do encourage children to draw pictures or
write poems.
• Do talk about the person who has died,
within your household and beyond through
telephone calls.
• Do seek to keep in contact and try to be
open to others contacting you. We can still
be together when we are not together.
• Do seek out the latest technology to help.
You can use videoconferencing (Google
hangouts, WhatsApp, Zoom etc) to come
together with special people who cannot
physically be with you.
• Do stay in contact. But be mindful of the
amount of contact you are able for.
How can we honour someone who has died without attending the funeral?
We are a nation of great culture and tradition and
we can honour the person who has died in many
ways. We are already seeing examples of how
Irish people are finding new and innovative ways
to support each other, some of the ‘old’ ways are
also being revived.
Here are some of the ways you can help
• Be the person who organises friends and
neighbours to stand at their gates (observing
physical distancing) to show support to the
grieving family.
• Do post condolences and messages of
support online on RIP.ie or on Social media.
• Do take time to write letters of support and
condolences, expressing your thoughts is
very meaningful.
• Do phone/text the bereaved person to keep
in touch – not just immediately but in the
weeks and months ahead.
• Do share photos, memories and stories
virtually with each other.
Irish Hospice Foundation Planning a funeral in exceptional times18
3Funerals
‘One of the greatest gifts a person can
give another is support’
Useful Resources
• COVID19 (Coronavirus):
A Guide for the Bereaved
• HPSC Guidance for Funeral
Directors/
Irish Hospice Foundation Planning a funeral when your relative has died from COVID-19 19
3Funerals
If someone you love has just died as a result of COVID-19, we at Irish Hospice Foundation send our heartfelt condolences to you and your family.
In Ireland, funerals are how we celebrate and
commemorate those who have died. As you
navigate this new reality, please remember
death ends a life, not a relationship and your
connection with the person who has died will
remain. COVID-19 has meant newly bereaved
families and individuals have had to make very
difficult sacrifices. It is important to remember
that in these exceptional times, people are willing
to help in different ways.
You may have questions and concerns about what
will happen at a funeral during this COVID-19
response period. We have prepared this leaflet to
give you some ideas as you plan a funeral for a
loved one, but also to remind you to reach out and
ask for help.
Where can I get advice on current regulations?
The most current advice for funerals and the
regulations involved are developed by the Irish
Health Protection Surveillance Centre and the
Department of Health https://www.gov.ie/en/
publication/f43301-covid-19-coronavirus-a-
guide-for-the-bereaved/ HSE.
Planning the funeral
Unfortunately, COVID-19 and social distancing
requirements make this bereavement and funeral
even more difficult.
Following the death of someone you love, here
are some immediate steps you can take to plan
the funeral.
• Do contact your preferred fu neral director
as soon as you are able. The funeral director
will be equipped with the most up-to-date
information and procedures in place during
the COVID-19 response period. They will
guide you through the process, and ensure
you are supported and informed as you
make decisions.
• Do think about nominating a person in
your family, who is not considered a close
contact of the deceased, to be the family
spokesperson to work with funeral director.
This will make it easier for them to meet the
funeral director if required. However, if you
would prefer to do this yourself, most of the
organisation can be done over the phone.
Planning a funeral when your relative has died from COVID-19
• Do ask questions about what will happen,
or whether the aspects of the funeral you
would like are allowed under the new
restrictions. It is important to know as much
as you need to in advance. While some
choices – eg a burial or cremation are at the
discretion of the family, some traditional
practices are not allowed – eg carrying the
coffin.
• Do remember the funeral director will take
care of the preparations of the body of your
loved one. Rest assured they will treat your
loved one with care and respect. This will
include removal of his/her body from the
care setting and preparing them for funeral
or cremation. To protect yourself and
others, you are advised not to kiss the body
of your loved one and to adhere to very
careful hand hygiene at all times, especially
if you have touched the body.
In order to manage the spread of any infection,
the coffin will be closed and, only in very rare
circumstances, will it be opened for viewing. This
is to protect you and others. You can discuss this
with your funeral director.
• Do remember the funeral will be planned
as private and for close family. The current
guidance is for up to 10 people to attend the
funeral.
• Do let people know of the death. You can
still place a death notice, but no times or
venues of the funeral may be published
online, by radio or in print. You can let
those who are to attend know privately. If
the funeral is being streamed (broadcast
from the church/crematorium or other
setting) the link can be provided to people
at home and abroad.
Remind family and friends that people with
respiratory illness including those who have
known or suspected COVID-19 are being asked
to self-isolate and to avoid public gatherings
including funeral services.
On the day of the funeral
• Do remember everybody will understand
how difficult a funeral is at this exceptional
time – people will respect and support you
as best they can.
• Mourners should follow the advice on social
distancing when travelling to and from the
funeral gathering, and should avoid any
handshaking or hugging. They should also
continue to practice good hand hygiene and
sneezing etiquette.
• Do take time to mark this moment and go
gently with yourself and others.
• Do know that you may not be able to gather
with others in a restaurant or someone’s
home after the funeral. Plan within your
own household what you are going to do
after the funeral, e.g. having a special meal,
plan some exercise or agreeing just to rest.
Some family and friends may decide to
come together after the funeral for a virtual
gathering over Zoom or a similar platform.
Irish Hospice Foundation Planning a funeral when your relative has died from COVID-1920
3Funerals
Irish Hospice Foundation Planning a funeral when your relative has died from COVID-19 21
3Funerals
What can I do to mark this moment?
As it’s not possible during this time to have
public reposes or wakes in funeral homes, there
are ways you can keep the funeral personal and
beautiful, and to involve others in remembering
your loved one.
In a time when so much is out of your control,
there are significant elements you can choose -
you can still choose readings, hymns, and poems
to remember your loved one by, even if the
service is much smaller.
• Allow yourself to grieve in your own way.
You may find it useful to refer to our
Grieving in Exceptional Times resource.
• Do ask people to send you a letter with their
memories of the person who has died.
• Do seek to keep in contact and try to be
open to others contacting you - we can
still feel and be connected even when we
are not together. Technology can help.
Videoconferencing (Google Hangouts,
WhatsApp, Zoom etc) can be used to come
together with special people who cannot
physically be with you.
• Do involve children and young people and
keep talking to them, we have listed some
resources below.
• Do talk about the person who has died,
within your household and beyond through
telephone calls with friends and family.
• It is best at this time, not to use actual
books of condolences. The RIP.ie online
condolence book can be used to leave
messages of sympathy, support and
appreciation.
• You may wish to host a memorial service
or an event to remember your loved one at
a later time. You can make this known and
plan an event for a time when you are able.
Can I honour someone who has died when I cannot attend the funeral?
Yes. Our culture is rich in traditions and ways to
honour our dead. We are already seeing examples
of how Irish people are finding new ways to
support each other – some of the ‘old’ ways are
also being revived.
Here are some ways you can help remember
the person who has died:
• Be the person who organises friends and
neighbours to stand at their gates as the
hearse passes by. At this time of social
distancing, we are asked not to line the road
for a funeral.
• Be the person who organises friends and
neighbours to leave food and meals for family
members (adhering to social distancing).
• Do post condolences and messages of
support online on RIP.ie or on social media.
• Do take time to write letters of support and
condolence – expressions of solidarity can
be meaningful and helpful to the bereaved.
• Do phone/text the bereaved person to keep
in touch – not just at the time of death and
immediately afterwards but in the weeks
and months ahead.
• Do share photos memories and stories
virtually with each other.
Useful Resources
• Bereaved.ie
• Children and grief
• Citizen information
• HSE
• https://www.gov.ie/en/publication/f43301-
covid-19-coronavirus-a-guide-for-the-bereaved/
As part of our COVID-19 Care & Inform series, we
have also developed Grieving in Exceptional Times.
Irish Hospice Foundation
Morrison Chambers,
32 Nassau Street, Dublin 2,
D02 YE06
hospicefoundation.ie [email protected]
Registered Charity Number 20013554 CHY 6830