carlos xuma dating q&a

www.datingdynamics.com

Dating Q&AA Compilation Of Advice And DatingStrategies For Men

By Carlos Xuma

DATING Q&A

© 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved –

Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information.

2

This work is copyrighted by the author. No unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed.

Copyright © 2003, DD Publications

All Rights Reserved

(Ver. DD-005-9-4-2003)

www.datingdynamics.com

DATING Q&A



3

“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest menwho've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering.God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables;slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and

clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place.

We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's aspiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been

raised on television to believe that one day we'd all bemillionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. Andwe're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.”

- Tyler Durden – “Fight Club”

DATING Q&A



4

INTRODUCTION

Thanks for taking the time to download this e-book. I think you’re going to be infor a great time with the information you’re about to read. This is a compilation of datingand seduction information I’ve given to my readers at Dating Dynamics(http://www.datingdynamics.com) and The Seduction Method*(http://www.seductionmethod.com).

The questions I’ve received have ranged from insightful and thought-provoking toshocking, and just about everywhere in between. This book is not meant as merelyentertainment – it is designed to instruct by illustration. I am willing to bet that most guyshave experienced some or all of these situations to some degree. I know you’ll find theinsight and answers applicable in some way.

I have left most of the questions in this guide as they were sent to me. Though, Ihave cleaned up some spelling and punctuation errors that may have made themdifficult to read. These are all real questions from real people, and I think you’ll learn alot of valuable and practical solutions from the advice.

If you have questions of your own, please feel free to email me at:[email protected] or at [email protected]. I may not be able to answerevery email, but I will do my very best.

Enjoy!

*In a great deal of these responses, I frequently mention another book we offer: The Seduction Method. It’s an excellent

course that you may wish to add on to your Dating Dynamics information. It covers the critical principles of seduction and handling

your sexual progression with women.

Don’t worry – you’ve got a lot of material to learn here, and when you’re ready I’ve added more information about this

program at the end if you are interested in continuing your education. The principles taught in that book are the added principles of a

successful sex life, and are essential for all men. You’ll get a lot of valuable insight here, and much much more from the actual

guide.

DATING Q&A



5

QUESTION:My girlfriend scopes out other men:

I am living in Miami, and there's a lot of competition, and my girlfriend is alwaysdisrespecting me by checking out the competition. She says she isn't but you can tell.We've been 2gether 4yrs and are supposed to be 'in love'. But how can we be in love ifshe's always thinking about some other guy / checking him out when I'm out with her... Ifound this quote on another site:

"...So don't let the excuse that "she's probably already got a boyfriend" stop youfrom flirting with a foxy chick that catches your eye. They'll always be flattered by aclassy approach and willing to entertain your 'sales pitch'. The only exception is ifthey're newly married -- then they send out STAY AWAY signals all over the place toevery guy on the planet."

So what if you’re the boyfriend and you've got to deal with men starting at yourgirl... and your girl staring right back. She's acting available and like I'm not even therenext to her. My friends have advised me to do the same cause she's unfaithful doingthis. Is she really unfaithful when she does this? Should I even care?

-Confused Alien

**************

You’re not as confused as you think ....

Your girl is disrespecting you, Alien. Don't dismiss your instincts. She'sdemonstrating that she's lost most (if not all) of her attraction and interest in you. She'salso showing that she needs this kind of drama-seeking attention to get you interactivewith her.

Step one: Start demonstrating some aloofness. Give her some reason to doubther hold on you. When you react to her attention-seeking behavior with jealousy you arereinforcing it. STOP!

Step two: Start flirting with others and demonstrating that other women can beinterested in YOU. Start building up your self-confidence and self-respect.

Step three: Other men are staring at her because she's desirable, and yourinsecurity leads you to believe that their attention is the problem, when in fact it's yourjealousy. It's like a guy who admires your car; you should be flattered and excited thatyour choice and taste is admired, and happy that she chose you.

Still, she is playing you pretty hard, and you can’t say you didn’t see the warningsigns. She appears to have put up a “For Sale by Owner” card in her windshield.

DATING Q&A



6

As for your question of “unfaithfulness,” I submit that you need to make thatjudgment yourself. If you are uncomfortable with her attention to other men, and you’vemade it known to her, and she STILL does it, I’d say that’s her flaunting her power overyou. She defies your requests, and she knows you won’t do anything about it. Sheknows you’re a wimp, and she’s playing you for it, and laughing at you with herdefiance. You’re right: All those other guys are going to play along with her need forattention, and so are you, so far. If one of them manages to scoop her away from you, itwill be because you ignored the signs.

There is a chance she’s just playing the jealousy card with you because she isstill invested in your relationship, and she’s trying to give you nuclear weapon-sizedindicators that she wants you to get off your ass and attend to her. If you’ve beenneglecting her, consider this a bitch-slap wake-up call. Get on the stick and show her aself-confident man who can meet her needs.

If you’re going to try and salvage this relationship, I won’t kid you – you’ve got anuphill battle. But if you’re up for a challenge, start with the steps I gave you above. After4 years, you need to get back to the grass roots of what made her attracted to you inthe first place. Start busting her balls and being a little less predictable. Chances are,she knows you better than the missionary position. Give her a little healthy, lovingattention, and see what she does with it. Does she change her attitude? The one thingthat will sink your relation-ship faster than a cruise missile is her Bad Attitude. You needtwo people to play this game, if you want to win.

The simple explanation is that you are probably at a point where something newor different needs to happen. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep gettingwhat you’re getting.

Stop.

Observe.

Think.

Instead of jumping from reaction to reaction, break the cycle and SEE what isgoing on. Only that way will you stand a chance to fix what’s broken. A mechanicdoesn’t just put your car up on the lift and start replacing things without looking andlistening to the engine. You should be doing the same.

(By the way, you don’t have to live in Miami to endure competition. Get used to it.Instead of complaining, get back on your toes, and get your game face on.)

Remember: The grass might look greener on the other lawn, but it still needs tobe mowed. If her attraction and respect for you has dipped too low, you’re better off

DATING Q&A



7

moving on. You might even consider being the first one and breaking it off now, beforeshe cheats on you or dumps you.

VALIDATIONPart of our needs as humans is to get validation along the way to assure us and

make us feel approved of. We sought this validation and approval from our parents andpeers when we were children, and we never really let go of that need when we had to"grow up."

Limit the amount of approval you need from other people. You can't worry toomuch about what other people think about you. It's easy to go through life seekingapproval and never really accomplish anything because you're trying to pleaseeveryone. You can't, and it's a belief that you must leave behind.

(Willie Loman in "Death of a Salesman" fails to achieve for this same reason. Hethinks it's better to be liked that to achieve real lasting success.)

What this means for you in dating is that you need to be able to communicate,through subtle and not-so-subtle methods, that you do not need her approval. A womanwill not feel attracted to a man if she feels she has power over his sense of self-esteem.

How do you communicate this?

One way is to find and pursue your own personal interests. This can be as simpleas a hobby or a sport interest, like swimming or weight training.

The best way you can demonstrate your independence is to have goals outsideof a relationship. Having a personal direction or mission (something I discuss at lengthin my book The Dating Black Book) is immensely attractive for a woman. It showswomen that you have a life outside of pursuing them. Hint at a depth they need toexplore.

The more you seek approval and validation, the more it will elude you.

Question:I am recovering from an ex... but I want to see others. I don’t know how to do it! It

is incredibly frustrating to be so unsuccessful with women. I don't know how to approachthem or how to talk to them! I like this girl at the gym, she's a lifeguard there and a very

DATING Q&A



8

nice girl (from what I hear) So how do I start a conversation with her?!?!?! What do Isay, what do I do?!

Does anyone know how I can stop being so scared of girls? I still miss my exafter breaking up with her in November. It is quite pathetic but I don’t know what to do! Istill call her, and it hurts me to death to hear her talk about other guys and stuff! I knowif I had a girl I truly wanted I would not even think twice of her. WHAT DO I DO,PLEASE ALL ADVICE IS NEEDED.

**************

First, let me take a guess at something ... SHE broke up with you. How do I knowthis? You don’t need to be a therapist to see that you’re suffering from “she-broke-my-heart-itis.” And I’ll hesitate another guess that just before the end you probably came ontoo strong and she started to distance herself. You got more clingy and needy, leadingto the eventual breakup.

First of all, one thing you’ll learn in detail in my e-book is that you need to learnwhen and how to take a break. You need a recuperation period after any romanticentanglement. I call this the recharge period, and it's vitally necessary for manyreasons:

- Your self-esteem is in the crapper. That’s why you feel the urgency to hurry upand get back out there and meet new girls. You’re running a dialog in your head (belowyour conscious awareness) that makes you believe that since you lost this relationship,you might not get another woman again EVER. It’s not true, man. You did it once; youcan do it again.

- You really miss her, and that’s all the more reason not to rush out into anotherrelationship. You're right, if you had another girl, you wouldn't think of her. Sure, you tellyourself you’d like to just go out and get laid, but the reality is that you will probably endup dating whoever you DO wind up sleeping with and thus turning her into rebound girl.You’ll realize you probably settled, and you’ll start to feel smothered, and then you’llrealize your mistake and wind up hurting some other poor girl. Stop the mistake beforeit’s made. This need is created by your falsely lowered self-esteem telling you that youneed a replacement girl. What you need is DISTRACTION, not a substitute.

- You can't be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without awoman in your life. Period.

Your recuperation starts here and now. Engage your self-discipline and do thefollowing:

DATING Q&A



9

- Stop calling her. Yeah, I know you’re probably falling victim to that compulsivevoice in the back of your head that wants to know ?Is she seeing other people? Do westill have a chance?? If you stay in contact with her you'll only wind up begging for her toreconsider, then tearful mementos at her doorstep, and further supplication on yourpart. You'll wind up like one of the guys on "Scrubs," trading your balls for sex. Everytime you get the urge to call her, have a substitute activity that gives you an equalamount of pleasure, such as turning on the X-box (I call this X-therapy) or going out fora bike-ride. Turn your pain into your gain.

- Take a few weeks off from women - COMPLETELY. Don't give them a secondthought. Don't pressure yourself into picking up or throwing out lines or anything. If youapproach Lifeguard girl now, you'll probably blow it because of all this anxiety you'vecreated for yourself. Take a little while and get your game together.

When you are ready for Lifeguard girl, or any others, you need to approach heras if she were any other woman. If you build her up to be some kind of Greek Goddess,you'll just be intimidated and spooked on your attempts to talk with her, and you'll alsobe very unattractive.

The cure? TEASE to PLEASE. (Another motto you'll hear me say quite a bit inthe future.) Some people call this being cocky and funny, or negative hits, or whatever.The concept is mostly the same, only with my particular flavor. Here's how it works:

- Never introduce yourself with a compliment to any woman's physicalappearance. The good-looking ones hear it all the time, and the less attractive will smellyour game like month-old milk.

- Find something about her that you can tease. If it's her hair color, maybe herroots are starting to come in: "Hi! You know, I was wondering if the two-tone look wascoming back. I was thinking of dying my roots blonde." And give a very obvious slysmile that says you're yanking her chain. Her first response will be to be taken a littleaback, but don't let that shake you up. Her overall reaction (the one you can't see) isthat she is going to feel attraction and interest for someone that is not coming on to herabout her beauty. She gets that all the time, I guarantee it. You MUST be different.

Some might say that the tease above is crossing the line of being insulting, andthat very well may be true. Try to deliver whatever you say with a playful tone and asmile. Make it as humorous as you can to take the edge off. (This is the key.)

Teasing is perfect because it calls back to those days on the playground whenyou were pulling her pigtails and calling her "Pandy-Sandy! Your head is full of Can-deee!" Girls take this as a challenge to their self-image (as do men) and it evokes aninteresting dynamic from them. Try it and observe it. Men who treat women like they'renot attracted to them (i.e., are not in a woozy, starry-eyed love spell) have MORE

DATING Q&A



10

SUCCESS WITH WOMEN. Watch any man who gets results and you'll see what Imean.

You have to risk a woman's wrath before you can get her fully engaged in you. Ifshe gets pissed and stalks off, she would have been a downer to hang around withanyway. Can you imagine getting hooked into a miserable relationship with a womantotally lacking a Humor Gland? It boggles the mind, dude. Shoot me now.

The problem most guys suffer from is NOT that they don't know what to say ordo. You're really suffering from a fear of REJECTION. You could say just aboutANYTHING to her and it will be better than saying NOTHING and beating your headabout it later. You doubt your own abilities. Stop making women so important, and you'llstart to lose this anxiety. I go into oodles and oodles of detail about this and theunderlying psychology of dating, posture, attitude ... the A-Z of dating and the male-female dynamic, in my e-book The Dating Black Book.

Question:Wassup C-

I am a 21 year old college student and have an important question for you that Ithink everyone might be interested in knowing..

I meet girls left or right be it at the cafeteria, my residence halls, the library, or inclass.

Getting small talk is easy for me as I am very good at carrying conversation.However if I’m talking to a new honey I still feel like where on the 'stranger' level andthat its too soon to get any personal information out of her and too early to be bustingher balls... How do I ease into the transition of getting’ to know the girl on a morepersonal level so that I can eventually get her to write her phone # down.. Is there anyparticular things that I should say to let her know that I’m not just talking to her for smalltalk' sake????

Also, another thing. I’m originally from a big city but am attending a college in asmall town where the girls aren’t used to being around men of different ethnicities suchas me...I know it might be mental but I'm not used to dating Caucasian women and feelinadequate a lot of the times... I feel like since they’re all used to dating Caucasian men,why would they date a dude like me even though I have more game most of the guysthey meet.

DATING Q&A



11

*********

Great question!

First off, congratulations on overcoming one of man's biggest hurdles: jumpingright into conversation with women. If you can keep anxiety off this one simple skill,you'll have the advantage on most other men. I believe that most guys start out with thisability (or a little of it anyway) and then proceed to mess it up for themselves by placingfar too much importance on their interactions with women. (As if females are somespecial breed of alien that they need to treat differently.)

One of the things I hear all the time is that men often question when it isappropriate to bust on a girl. They say it often doesn't "feel" right when it's right off thebat.

Just remember: It is NEVER too soon to bust her balls. You may have to do it abit more delicately if it's the first time, but you can. Don't worry; she won't break. Keep inmind there are many purposes behind using the Tease to Please approach. For yoursituation, you are:

1) Trying to demonstrate that you are not like the rest of the guys whonormally approach her. After a while, women get very acclimated to the standard maleapproach. The more attractive they are, the more they realize they wield the power inyour initial interactions.

2) Show her that she won't get cut any slack just for being attractive. Cutegirls have always had things given to them based solely on their appearance. You'reconfident enough to tease her because she isn't a prima-donna in your book. She's justlike every other girl, and she has to earn her points just like they do.

3) Trying to bridge the gap of "stranger" as fast as possible. You don'twant her thinking "Eww! Stranger!" for very long. So you need to overcome this andstart building trust (that's what the "stranger" status is, a lack of trust) you BEHAVE likea man who's known her all her life. How would he behave? He'd tease her and treat herlike a bratty sister.

In short, you Tease because it's a shortcut to getting her interested, and so youcan SKIP small talk and go right for the FUN talk. Small talk is just a way to build trust --in a very SLOW way. Small talk is what we engage in as a socially acceptable way todemonstrate that we're not threatening or dangerous. "How about this weather, huh?"Booooring.

DATING Q&A



12

There's no reason why you can't just jump past the small talk and assume ahigher level of familiarity. You do this with your sense of humor. A man with alighthearted approach will seem much more easygoing (and trustable) than a man whois uptight and nervous at having to socially interact. You demonstrate that lack ofnervousness through your teasing.

Also, by teasing, you're giving her the message that SHE has something to proveto YOU, not the other way around.

How do you tease her? Well, in a college setting, I can imagine there's a lot ofopportunity. As you said, you've got a variety of locations to meet women in. Anexample in the Library, as she's looking through books: "Hey, didn't I see you ditchingclass in here last period? Aren't you late for Spanish? Or French? Or was it UnderwaterBasket Weaving...?" Give her a sassy smile so she knows you're messing with her.

As for racial issues, you are right that small-town thinking can often be achallenge. But you must remember a few things:

- I'll bet a high proportion of the girls in that school are not FROM that small town.The locals may have prejudices, but you'd be amazed at the diversity on campus.These are young people with open minds. They want to party, and experiment,and have fun. (Hmm... hang on here ... maybe I need to go back and work on myMasters...)

- ALWAYS turn your perception of a hindrance to your benefit. You are unique,and you have to market yourself as such. You need to be the exotic treat oncampus - the rare find. Imagine that there's a rumor going around among the girlsat school who have not tasted YOUR particular cuisine, and they're all curious toknow what it's like. If you want to have some real fun, start that rumor yourself.

Remember: Everyone flocks to the exotic dish on the buffet once word getsaround. The stale old white bread just gets the frozen butter.

The word for you is Attitude. Convey the Attitude of a man who has what womenwant, and they will assume there's something worth looking into. Act the part of the manyou want to be.

I salute you for reaching out to learn more and hone your skills with women. Mostguys your age are too busy assuming they already know it all. Keep on learning!

DATING Q&A



13

QUESTIONConsidering the fact that I have not at all been unsuccessful with women , I got

really excited when I somehow ended up on your website and listened to the intro.

But my lack of success comes from the fact that I am a very short man about 4'2"and this puts a lot of women off. Actually some women have admitted to me that if I wasa little bit taller they would consider going out with me. Do you think your book willsomehow help me out on here? I understand now that women usually prefer men tallerthan them. But then I cant go on without finding a woman that somehow will like me ...Is there anything I can do to make a woman not to consider my lack of height and Findme attractive? Do you cover such agendas in your book?

Awaiting your urgent response.

----------

Let me say this:

1) Will my book help you? Yes. Definitely. The principles help a man regardlessof his height. These are principles that every man must be very aware of for long-term(even short-term) success. You have to have a strong inner game right along with yourouter game.

2) Do I address how to overcome this particular situation? No, not specifically.You see, there are a set of beliefs that you will wind up working with, no matter what.Your physical situation (which I do not consider a disadvantage, just a challengedepending on your dating goals) is one that has its roots in many common beliefsamong men. There are specific strategies to be employed. You never need to be shortin spirit or mind, S. (Consider this: Stephen Hawking has been married and remarried,and the man has been totally incapacitated for decades. There are women forEVERYONE.)

3) Remember that you cannot make a woman ignore the obvious. The key tomanaging your situation is showing her the self-confident man that she will be attractedto. You see, there is the conscious part of her mind that can try to fight with hersubconscious mind, the same way many men and women struggle with a relationship

DATING Q&A



14

they know isn't going anywhere, but they feel that crazy attraction that actually rulestheir actions. That subconscious attraction mechanism is the part that every man has toengage in a woman or she will never truly be yours. One thing you can do is to makeyour height a source of humor. Don't put yourself down, but make it clear to her in yourposture and lighthearted way that your height is not a source of insecurity for YOU.Once she knows YOU it's not a problem for you, she'll be much more interested.Remember: Women pick up on insecurity faster than Jennifer Lopez changes weddingplans.

May I recommend the following:

1) Keep reading the newsletters and perhaps try my e-zine on Self-confidence.Your question has even brought it to my attention that I need to write an e-zine onovercoming personal challenges. (Which is something ALL men have to do, in varyingdegrees, by the way.)

2) Get my e-book. I guarantee it will help you in skills as well as understanding,and you can be the judge of the information therein. In addition, I give two free emailcounseling sessions where we can delve into your situation much more deeply.

QUESTION:

Ok, you go somewhere where there are a bunch of people. In the corner of youreye you see the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. in your mind you want to just goover there and start talking to her and screw her brains out. or ask her out or whatever.How do you get that conversation going? And how do you let her know that you arereally interested in her, and show her that you aren't a shallow @#%$, only wanting toget in her pants? If you know this, you gotta share with me how to do it. The farthest Iusually get is, "Hey how's it goin?" then that awkward silence that we all haveexperienced.

-----------------------------------

"Hey, how's it going?"

Is that the best you can do? Hey, how's it going? I'll personally guarantee youthat she hears this and about 30 other lame "lines" ever single day. And you wonderwhy there's an awkward silence there, huh?

DATING Q&A



15

C'mon, guys. It's time to start THINKING.

You have to stand out and be DIFFERENT. Beautiful women get approachedALL THE TIME (and even the above-average ones) so you had better set yourself apartbetter than that. The first thing she's wondering is, "Why is this sorry chump talking tome?" That's what you're not hearing in that awkward silence.

Instead, try this:

Walk over and ask her what time it is, without facing her. (Keep your bodylanguage neutral so she doesn't immediately assume you're there to lick her boots.) Ifshe has the time, ask her about her watch. Where'd she get it, etc. Then start bustingher balls. "That isn't one of those fake Rolex's is it?" Do it nicely, so it doesn't comeacross as an insult.

If she doesn't have the time, you start busting her balls right there. "What, can'tyou afford a watch?" (With a smile.) "Look, I'll tell you what, I just took over the CEOposition at IBM and AT&T, and I MIGHT be able to get you a job there. Can you cook?"

BLAM! Instant killer approach, with next to no effort. If she gets bitchy on you,you bust her chops for that. If your game is weak and your knees tremble when you'rearound hot women, then just start getting used to approaching her. Get acclimated, andthen you can work your way up.

Take it from there. If you don't know how to tease, you'll never make it with thehot women. You have to break through their defenses.

And, "Hey, how's it going?" is NOT going to get you there. I'm not saying youneed to start using lame lines, but it's readily apparent that this particular intro hasabsolutely no forethought in it. And even worse, it's obvious that there's no followup forit if there's a silence afterwards.

You could use this opener without any problem if you'll only THINK about whatthe follow-up should be.

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Fine."

"Great, because I can only give you about five minutes to impress the heck out ofme before the next batch of supermodels gets here to take me to a party. Pretendyou're auditioning for a role on Joe Bachelor Millionaire. Ready? Go." Pretend to starttaking notes on a napkin.

Now there's a follow-up that makes the "How's it going?" line work a little better.

Think.

THINK THINK THINK.

DATING Q&A



16

And don't be so concerned about showing her that you're not a "shallow @#%$,"because that's more transparent than showing her you are.

Understand?

Think about it: When you come from a place where you are doing nothing buttrying to show her you're NOT something, that presumes that you ARE and you'recovering it up. Why else would you be working so hard to show her you're NOT...?

Let me tell you, she smells this a mile away. It's like month-old milk, dude. Youhave to stop letting these debilitating beliefs infect your mind.

Women know men want sex. The game we must play is to NOT show this needup front - to not make it more important than the game she needs YOU to play to getthere.

That doesn't mean go out of your way to appear as if you don't want sex, or thatyou're some kind of feminist sympathizer. It means that the unspoken assumption is thatyou both want to f*ck like rabbits - AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Ifyou act like there is something wrong with that, you're making her wonder what kind ofmanipulating bastard you must be. It comes across to her subconscious that you're notcongruent and you're untrustworthy.

What you have to focus on is making her feel good about herself FIRST. Makeher understand that you are different by the way you treat her as a unique woman. Hotand tasty, yes, but UNIQUE.

If she smells fear, desperation, lack of control, lack of direction, lack ofconfidence, or any of the male traits that tells her you're not an Alpha Dog, she's goingto chuck you in the mental trash heap with the rest of the guys she lets buy her drinks,only to go home and masturbate to her memory.

Remember: It's more insulting to a woman to deny what you both know is goingon because that makes her think you're just being MORE deceitful and untrustworthythan the guys who are at least honest with their motivation.

This is why most guys who say they just "want to be themselves" with women areLYING and DECEITFUL.

Why? Because they're using more indirect and underhanded measures to getwomen to like them. They buy them dinners and they buy them flowers and theycompliment them and they bend over backwards ...

This equates to one thing: You're trading goods for sexual favors. In her mind,this means that you're courting her. She will interpret this to mean you're trying to MATEwith her.

DATING Q&A



17

Instead, keep a safe distance, and work to get her attracted first. (You guys knowthis from the book. Attraction MUST come first.)

Don't make the mistake most guys do - of trying to do the wrong things justbecause you think they OUGHT to work. Do ONLY what WORKS.

"How do I know if a girl is interested in me? I find it hard to read her attraction tome when I'm so busy trying to show her my self-confidence?"

The key to this question is understanding your correct attitude: You don't NEEDher to like you. It's okay to WANT it, but don't become so attached to every encounterwith a woman that you end up NEEDING her to like you. That's the train to nowhere,and it will leave soon if you even begin to go that route.

There are many indicators of a girl's interest in you. You just have to know whereto look. The primary three are these:

1 - Actions (What she does that indicates her interest obviously)

2 - Words (what she says to you)

3 - Body language (what she does that indicates her interest subtly)

These are also in order. You trust her actions first, her words next, and her bodylanguage after that. If you're getting clear buying signals in her actions, ignore herwords. If you get interest from her words, ignore her body movements. Your last resortis to interpret her body language.

1) The first indicator is her actions to tell you she likes you. Always watch whatshe does first, and ignore her words if they don't jive with the way she behaves. Hereare a short list of "she's interested" indicators:

- She touches you or leans in close

- She makes it a point to smell your cologne

- She takes you along with her to another bar/dance club

- She initiates conversation with you

- She asks for your number (but only if she asks before or after givinghers. If she refuses to give you her number, she's not interested.)

- She looks you over (especially glances at your mouth)

2) The next thing you listen to is her words. What does she say to you? Here's alist of things that indicate her interest verbally:

DATING Q&A



18

- She asks a lot of questions about you

- She talks about sexual topics (without you initiating them)

- She uses very sensual words when describing you

- She tells you secrets (indicating trust)

3) This next list is more difficult, since you will have to refine your radar as towhat her body language is saying. It's much more subtle, and more difficult to read.Again, I always suggest that you make sure to judge her body language only when youhave no other evidence to help you out.

Here are some buying indicators:

- Occasional glance(s) from far away

- Looks at you a few times (flickering glances at your lips)

- Holds your gaze for a moment with no words

- Looks down, then away

- Goes out of her way to laugh with you

- Posture changes, looks alert

- Covers her mouth or touches her face

- Adjusts hair, attire

- Faces you

- Alert, energetic

- Pupils are dilated

- Open posture (arms uncrossed)

Remember that your primary indication of interest from any woman is in herbehavior. No matter what she says, if she isn't DOING the things that a woman thatwould do who is interested (smiles and talks to you, shows interest, gives you herphone number, etc.) she isn't REALLY interested. She's just trying to not hurt yourfeelings.

Results are the TRUTH!

DATING Q&A



19

PAIN MANAGEMENTI was snowboarding in Lake Tahoe a few weeks back, and there was a

demonstration of chin-ups by some Marines to boost enlistment. They had the Marineshummer there, as well. I noticed the t-shirt one of the guys had on, and the messagewas brutally honest and clear:

"Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving your body."

That got me thinking about the nature of pain, and how it functions in dating andseduction.

The most important thing for a man to do as he learns how to handle women is tokeep his head on straight. Keep your attitude healthy, because that will be the ultimateweapon in this war of the sexes. You must keep yourself on the positive upward spiral.The way you handle your pain in the singles world is critical to your overall success.

How do you view pain?

Do you avoid pain at all costs? Do you find yourself seeking only pleasure andstaying away from circumstances that could potentially cause you pain?

I address the pain/pleasure motivational spectrum in my e-book, THE DATINGBLACK BOOK, and I want to help you through a little of your own anguish here today.How you handle it will ultimately determine your success.

You see, you have to be willing - and even a little eager, as sick as that sounds -to go through a little discomfort to get to your goals with women. Men don't have thebuilt-in sexual instincts that women are brought up with. Women study this stuff everyweek, from Teen magazine to Cosmopolitan, to know how the game works and how towin. They've always had the upper hand.

Guys just start out at a natural disadvantage in dating and sex. As young men,we focus on being strong providers and enjoying ourselves, playing football and'reading' Penthouse from time to time. Our sexual education is mostly comprised of afew bad porno movies, or our embarrassed father trying to explain the birds and thebees. (My dad's attempt was pretty awful.) Women get busy as soon as they discoveredthat Ken dolls were not anatomically correct, and they learn how to collaborate withother women about the drama of their relationships for enjoyment.

To get better at the game of dating and seduction, think of it being something likewhen Michael Jordan decided he wanted to switch from basketball to baseball.Remember how he tried for the major leagues, but he had to go back to the minors toprove himself? You need to understand that YOU have to go back to the minor league,too. You need to get a few bumps and bruises, and then you can deal with her in the

DATING Q&A



20

major leagues. (Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL make it to the major leagues in thissport if you keep learning and improving.)

So how do you manage the pain? First of all, realize that the ONLY pain you feelwhen you're out there in the "dating" world is all self-induced. YOU are the one makingyourself feel bad or inadequate 95% of the time. Understand that most women NEVERdo the things you are afraid of just for walking up and talking to her, like slapping you orthrowing a drink in your face. As long as you're not a complete idiot and don't come ontoo strong, women will give you a chance about 99% of the time. All of the rejection youare so worried about is made up, and absolutely none of it reflects on you as a person.

So how do you contend with the constant disappointment and mixed messages?

Pain management is your answer.

Set a threshold of emotional investment with women so that you limit yourpotential pain from them. If you find it difficult to flirt and hit on the ladies because it's toopainful, back off a bit. Just say "Hi!" as you pass them on the street. Reduce yourenergy output so that you don't feel impacted by her response. When you getsufficiently recharged, you can then start to risk more contact with her again, and you'llfeel more up to the challenge.

Another form of pain management is to ensure that you interpret women'sreactions correctly. It's easy and tempting to read too much into a woman's behavior,and even more difficult to not take her reactions too seriously. Remember that whileyou're trying to get into her bed, you should never try to get into her head. You need tokeep your observation of her behavior based only on the results you get. Watch onlywhat she DOES, not what she says. Her actions will tell you what she is feeling, evenwhen her words seem to contradict. If you get caught up in the game of trying to figureout why she didn't call, or why she always flirts with other guys when you're around,you'll create a lot of pain for yourself. Stay as detached from her as possible at the earlystages so you can avoid getting misdirected.

The rule for pain management is the same as it is on Wall Street: Only invest asmuch as you can afford to lose. Too many guys get into trouble by putting too much ofan emotional investment out there, and then when they don't get the response they feelentitled to, they turn bitter and angry. Don't make this mistake.

Manage your pain, and you'll be able to stay in the game longer, and yourendurance and tolerance will rise dramatically - as will your results. You'll feel yourweaknesses around women leaving you with each step you take.

DATING Q&A



21

Here's a bonus strategy: To keep your attitude and sense of self and fulfillmentup - and the pain controlled - take the opportunity to create a zone in your world toaffirm your value. What you need to do is create an Ego Wall.

An Ego Wall is a place where you hang your awards, certificates, diplomas,pictures, plaques, etc. - all the things that pump up your opinion and belief in yourself.On my Ego Wall I've got pictures of me snowboarding, skydiving, my day at a race carschool, my college diploma, my martial arts certificates, etc. It's affirming to me, andwhen other women see it, they understand that I'm not just waiting around on thesidelines of life - I go out and actively pursue what I want. This is immensely attractive towomen.

Make yourself an ego-wall to help you through those painful moments in yourlearning process. And remember: Pain is nothing more than the sensation of weaknessleaving your body.

Manage that pain.

The Point SystemThe most important part of dating for men is maintaining a good attitude, and a

correct attitude. It's one thing to not be bitter when you face rejection and your fears withwomen, but it's another to make sure that you're keeping up your posture.

In short, your posture is your overall status level with a woman. Your posture canrange from total supplicating wimp on the left end of the scale, and hardcore self-interested jerk on the far right. You are shooting for something a bit over to the right ofcenter when you first start dating a gal, and you ease off until you are at a goodequilibrium somewhere near the middle.

One of the most effective tactics for letting a woman know that you are self-confident is by showing her that you are not the kind of guy who takes whatever ishanded to him. You have standards, and she has to live up to them.

The tactic I'm about to teach you is exceptionally effective, as it communicatesyour posture right away. (This technique is also an excellent variation of the "neg-hit" ornegative hit technique where you let a woman know she isn't getting any breaks forbeing attractive.)

The Point System goes a little like this:

DATING Q&A



22

John is at a bar with Mary, who he just started talking to. He's been talking to herfor a few minutes, and there seems to be a good vibe. Here's their interaction:

John: "So, I've always thought of snowboarding as more free-form than skiing.You can do quite a bit more freestyle activity. Of course a lot of skiers tend to complainabout snowboarders."

Mary: "Sure. I've been skiing all my life, and I've never really had any problemwith 'boarders. They're like the hippies of the slopes."

John: (Nodding.) "Hmm. That's a good analysis. You just scored a few pointswith me. I might be seen skiing with you." (smile)

Or,

John: "Let's see, the best movie I've seen lately was 'Daredevil.' I think BenAffleck handled the role very well.

Mary: "Oh, I saw that last weekend, too. I liked it a lot, too."

John: (Looking impressed) "Wow! I'm impressed. You scored some points there.A woman who appreciates a good super hero movie."

Now, you see what is happening here: John made it clear that he is not out to winMary's approval. She has to win HIS. By telling her that she scored some points withhim, he's also telling her that he wasn't so sure about her. She has to WORK to gainsome credibility with him. John comes across as more valuable since he is not a freecommodity. He's sending a subtle communication to her that he is not like other guys.

Use this maybe once or twice in your conversation, and don't overdo it. The trickof this is to make sure that you aren't giving her too much confidence along the way byawarding her too many "points." She has to wonder where she stands with you. Thebest way to do this (and it's required to complete this strategy) is to take away pointsfrom her later in the conversation and see how she responds to the challenge.

Mary: "I'm not a big fan of Jackie Chan."

John: (Shaking his head.) "Uh-oh. I'm going to have to take a few points off forthat. How can you not like Jackie?"

John just communicated his implied disapproval with her, and if Mary is at allinterested in him, she'll come back with something to try and win those points back. Ifshe wants John, she'll also want his approval.

There is always the danger of this tactic coming across as arrogant, so handlethe delivery fairly delicately. It's best to have something to say immediately following the"You scored points" line so that it takes a little of the edge off and it's not hanging outthere, waiting to be shot down.

DATING Q&A



23

Be aware that many women aren't used to having this kind of role reversal usedon them. They will test you on it with a slightly indignant tone. "What? I'M scoringpoints? Ha!" (What she's saying without words is that she wants the control, and doesn'ttake kindly to your attempt to keep it.)

How do you handle this? To begin with, you must not act even slightly affectedby her attempts to call you on it. If you lose your humor, or start to look uncertain, you'llhave flunked the test, and she'll know that you were just posturing.

On the other hand, if you stand your ground, you can handle this without missinga beat. Your best strategy is to pause for a few seconds, while looking her in the eye,and then chuckle to yourself.

Then, when she says, "I'M scoring points!? Right, buster," you can say:

"Hmm, up until then you were."

"Uh-oh. Looks like the princess thinks I'm full of it. Maybe you're testing me."

"Is this how you charm all the guys?"

"Hmm. Now why would you say that?"

The best response to her test is a negative hit that lets her understand that 1)She doesn't intimidate you and you aren't backing down, and 2) you will do it politelyand with a good sense of humor (no bitterness or resentment).

I, personally, will walk away from women who act indignant when I let them knowthat I'm not a supplicating wimp. It's obvious at that point that she'll probably be high-maintenance from the start, and you can only expect that she'll have a death grip on thesteering wheel of any dating relationship. She's inflexible, and probably a control freakwith an over-inflated opinion of herself.

Used judiciously, the Point System will help you weed out the women with poorattitudes, as well as improve your posture in the eyes of the ones with good attitudes.Remember, no woman ever wants what comes easily, and if she expects you to bow toher superiority, you want nothing to do with her.

QUESTION:My ex G/F of six years just recently stopped speaking to me and will not even

acknowledge me. We broke up over a year ago but still would see each other from timeto time. Usually we spend the weekend together we still went places and did things like

DATING Q&A



24

we used to but it was mainly for the incredible sex. We always ended up in a screamingyelling fight and she usually pack her @#%$ a leave. She allways seemed to comeback to our motel room a while later ands tell me if I could calm down she would stickaround.

Any way I have been an evil bastard to her as result of her negetive and sh*ttyatituted towards me. No matter how civil I am she always finds an excuse to be a bitchwhich eventually results in me losing my temper and calling her names and using all thethings she has told me about herself against her. She is very insecure and can nothandle being called things like a sweaty pig or a stinky dirty slut. She has finally stoppedtalking to me she will respond to my email or ansewr my phone calls. I dont understandthis because last time we spoke I did not flip out even though she was a totol bitch. Theonly thing I did was ask if she was seeing anyone new which resulted in her hanging upon me and we havn't spoke since. I did leave a few nasty voice mails and send her apretty @#%$ email.

Can [you] give me an Idea of how I might get her to speak with me again after allshe is a great lady and at one time was my best friend.

--------------------------------------

Good gosh. You're kidding me, right? It's bad enough you didn't even spell-checkthat gruesome tirade ...

Let me get this straight: You mean to tell me you called this woman a "sweatypig" and a "stinky dirty slut," you lose your temper, you leave nasty voice mails andemails, you dredge up the dirt from her past, and you expect her to respect you or beinterested in being your friend? You call her vile names to her face, and you then tie itall up with "she is a great lady" and once your "best friend"?

(Insert look of complete astonishment here)

(Insert shaking of head and rolled eyes)

(Insert sound of hysterical laughter)

Dude, if I were talking to her right now, I'd tell her to run for the hills and get as faraway from you as humanly possible. No joke. She may be insecure, but it appears tome that she's mostly reacting to the gasoline that you're pissing on her campfire.

Is this how you treat your "friends"?

DATING Q&A



25

Seek some anger management. Your temper and anger is a problem. You haveno idea how a lack of emotional control will cripple you in life - and with women. Theone thing healthy women desire is your emotional control, because they will test youwith freakish emotional outbursts that make Liza Minelli look like Ghandi on Valium.

You're ducking out your responsibility for your portion by pretending that you onlyacted as a "result of her negative and sh*tty attitude" towards you. You both have aclaim in this, and your emotional control is always your responsibility. When you've lostthat, you've become a reactive pit bull, a violent emotional grenade that's looking tohave his pin pulled.

It seems to me like you've used up all your second chances with this woman.Sometimes the most amazing thing to me isn't what women will put up with, but what aman expects that he can get away with dishing out. Quite frankly, I'm amazed you twolasted for six years.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not siding with either one of you, but you've made itpretty clear that your relationship was probably about as dysfunctional as Angelina Jolieand Billie-Bob Thornton's doomed marriage. Out of her insecurity, she manipulates youto have an emotional outburst, which you conveniently provide, and start the wholepsychotic gambit all over again.

How you can get her to speak with you again?

Gee, let me use some freakin' common sense here. Maybe stop abusing her?

STOP being such an emotional child. Clean up your attitude and treat her withrespect and dignity - even if she DOESN'T treat you this way. And if she ever does talkto you again (which you frankly don't deserve, no matter how much of a "bitch" she mayhave been in the past) you better remember how fortunate you are, even when she'syanking on your grenade pin.

Ask yourself one question: Are you behaving like a person who she should talkto? Answer that truthfully.

Sorry for the wet slap of reality, dude, but it sounds like you need it.

I usually don't jump into "relationship dynamics," but this situation seemed to begfor it.

There is a dynamic here, by the way, and one worth noting. You see, whenthings go wrong in a long-term relationship, there is never just one person who screwedit up - it was a joint effort. Guaranteed.

In fact, if you want a great test for a woman you're dating to see if she's"relationship" material, ask her this: "So tell me, why did your last relationship end?"(First of all, you're beating her to the punch, since this is a standard first-date screening

DATING Q&A



26

question. Second, it puts her on the defense for a moment.) Listen VERY carefully toher answer.

If she absolves herself of all responsibility and refuses to acknowledge HER rolein the disintegration of a previous relationship, you should consider that a red flag. Youmay be dealing with a woman with issues, and if she's unable to see her part of theresponsibility, then she's liable to not take any responsibility with you either. (You see,even if her last boyfriend was a complete nut case and it sounds like it was mostly HISbehavior that screwed things up, you have to wonder why she stayed with him. If it wasfor anything more than sex, she probably has self-esteem issues.)

Remember that we tend to bring out the best and WORST in the people we date.A relationship is a catalyst for all the crazy insecurities you can dredge up. The moreyou have, the more you rub against hers, and that's where you start to see theproblems.

Take the time to get your emotional control in order first, because that's mostimportant. Then you can deal much more rationally with any of the insanity you'llencounter out there when you're with other women.

QUESTION:There is a woman who says that she loves me she knows I am married but she

keep asking me what I want from her. I told her I would like to make love to her but shewants to hear more.

--------------------------------------

Get out of your marriage and then make love to all the women you want. Butdon't ask me to condone dishonorable behavior like cheating on your wife. You shouldhave considered this more BEFORE you said, "I do."

Otherwise, take your medicine. You made a commitment, so stick with it.

(Oh, and watch "Fatal Attraction" a few times so you can get an inkling of whatthis other woman could do to your life if you screw around. You’d be lucky if she didn’tcut your dick off.)

DATING Q&A



27

QUESTION:I hope you can help me. I have looked everywhere and figured only you guys will

probably have the answer.

I'm looking for a professional definition of the phrase "The Wing Man!" I wassurprised to see it wasn't anywhere on your site.

--------------------------------------

Here, I'll give you the classic and modified versions:

A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) thathelps you out with the women. Typically in these ways:

- Since women often travel in pairs or packs, your wingman helps youapproach them without feeling weird about being solo.

- The wingman will sometimes take the least attractive gal of the pair youapproach so that you can get the one you want. (Though, this is notalways necessary.)

- The wingman gives you social proof - or validation that you are a trustableman, not some drifter in town just to get laid.

- A wingman helps by motivating you to get away from the television and goout to practice your skills on women, and you do the same for him.

- The wingman can also be a more skilled seducer, a man from whom youcan learn a great deal by flying at his side.

Keep in mind that a wingman should never be too inexperienced or he will holdyou back. (Unless you are mentoring him.)

I don't watch a lot of television, but I understand that there is a Bud Lightcommercial where they have a pretty good parody of the wingman taking "one for theteam" by suffering at the table with a lame gal while his partner is out dancing with ahottie. That's one of the situations a wingman can be put in, but the learning andsupport system is unbelievable if you do it right.

Your wingman is an invaluable assistant for you (and you for him), so don'tunderestimate the value of finding one that you can work with.

DATING Q&A



28

QUESTION:

I had a girlfriend of a year and a half. We are over 10 years apart- I am older. wegrew to love each other and had a good relationship- I met the parents and the wholenine. Recently she is moving to NY to go to school and broke up with me saying shejust isn't girlfriend material right now. I guess she just wants to experience other guysand life and grow right? I was also clingy and wasn't being a go-getter in our relationshipI admit- I was being very anti-exciting and anti-ambitious, wasn't keeping my word aboutwhat I was going to do and she mentioned that too. I know that contributed to her losinginterest too. Meanwhile, she is really go-getting and doing her thing and achieving.

What do you think I should do to get her back and how? what do you think aboutthe whole situation and how I could build myself up and be more appealing to her andget back in with her? How do I make a woman feel protected? how do I not just give intoher way all the time (one of the things I did too that I know helped spell the end) andshow my anger appropriately and show that I have backbone? Lemme know please.Give it to me straight, no chaser.

--------------------------------------

Hey, I'll even give it to you shaken, not stirred.

There's an interesting saying: You know you have someone special when youwant to be a better person for them.

There's only one problem: You don't have her. So your desire to - as you say -"build yourself up for her" is driven from a need for redemption.

Yes, she probably wants to go out and (as Chris Rock says) get some dick. Idon't know how old she is, and I suspect she probably does need to sow some wildoats. But even if that weren't the case, you haven't exactly been keeping the home firesburning, now have you?

Hindsight is most definitely 20/20.

So let's go through the mistakes and how to correct them:

1) Clingy.

Clingy is BAD. Don't cling. This puts women into a mode where they wonder ifyou are capable of protecting them. A real man is independent. He stands on his own,even when he's with a woman. THAT, my friend, is how you make a woman feelprotected. You show her a man that doesn't need her approval to be the person youare.

DATING Q&A



29

2) Not a go-getter.

You need to find a little ambition in your life, dude. Women are attracted toambition because it's an Alpha male trait, indicating that you are a survivor, provider,and protector. It's rather complicated how these attitudes are connected, but suffice tosay that a lack of ambition indicates passivity and the opposite indicates an activedisposition.

Get involved in something in life. Find your passion. Women are attracted to menwho are chasing their dreams because it allows them to latch on to your excitement andenergy.

One warning: Just as women love to tag along with a man who has passionsother than her, many like to divert his attention from those passions back over to HERas a method of proving their control and her importance to you. Don't fall for this trap.Once she's pulled your attention off your passions, she'll leave you because you'll havelost her interest.

I'd think after all this the answer should be obvious: Reverse your errors anddemonstrate the opposite of those qualities you just mentioned. Demonstrateindependence. Get a little fire and ambition. Get out there and DO something. Do someexciting things. Show some backbone and refuse her requests from time to time.

I'll be brutally honest: Once you've lost a woman's interest, especially by acting inall the counter-productive ways you've listed, you've got nearly zero chance ofreclaiming her attraction.

And, even if she did give you a "second chance," you'd have to be able tomaintain a consistent strength and power about you, because at the first indication thatyou might slip into your old "wimp" mode, she would disappear faster than SaddamHussein in a sandstorm. She would test you constantly, and take you for granted atevery turn. Respect, once lost, can almost never be regained.

You're much better off developing your attitude (may I highly recommend THEDATING BLACK BOOK to help you get there?) and giving the benefit of your newfoundstrength to a new woman who will appreciate it. Because it's doubtful your ex ever will.The best you can ever hope to accomplish is to become the kind of person you knowyou need to, and then let her see the new you - without making it obvious that you'retrying to win her back. You see, even if you were to change for the better, if she thinksyou did it just to win her, you won't win her respect. She'll just think you're a completesupplicating approval-seeking wimp that she can manipulate. Act from your own center,

DATING Q&A



30

not her opinion of you, and make it clear to her that this is your source. Only then doyou stand a chance of her taking notice and becoming interested again.

Sometimes the price we pay for our errors is this kind of pain and regret after thefact. Instead of chasing her down and putting yourself down another painful path, youneed to take this pain and frustration and let it FUEL YOUR CHANGE - to correct thenext situation. Let it change you for the better instead of chasing down and trying toright your mistakes. They're over with. Move on.

QUESTION:

First off, I recently purchased the dating black book and it's a masterpiece. I'vestill got a lot to read but the insight it's given so far (not even half way in) is more thanworth the price.

A few weeks later ... I thought I'd drop in and visit this Russian girl. She wasthere, but she actually had the night off. .. so I invited her to come back to the party withme. We had some great conversation and she was touching me quite a bit although, Ikinda got the impression that she thought of me as a player. End of the night (4am) wedecided it was time to go home. We hugged and I put her in a cab. I never asked forher number because I got the impression that this girl had some baggage.

So basically for the past few months I've been seeing her at her work place onceor twice a week after the bar (when I'm a bit buzzed) and we've been hanging out. Thishas progressed to her hanging out at my place late night after her work to her sleepingover with me in my bed, but get this - all we do is cuddle! None of my friends canbelieve that nothing is going on. She opened up to me one night and told me that shewas in an abusive relationship and I think it screwed her up big time in the trustdepartment.

We hang out in the day sometimes and we have a great time. She loves to walkso we do a lot of that. Other times we'll just rent a movie and she'll always snuggle upto me or lie on my chest. I'm always joking around with her and she laughs her head off.I tease her quite a bit and she loves my sense of humor - she's said it's exactly whatshe'd want in her ideal man. She's also told me that she finds me to be good looking.She knows that I date 2-3 times/wk and if the phone rings while she's over she alwayswants to know who it was. She's not seeing anyone right now, but sometimes she'llmake it a point to tell me about some interesting guy who stopped by her work withoutgoing into any detail.

DATING Q&A



31

This girl is a model part-time and she's pretty damn hot so that doesn't helpthings either. What the heck do I do with this? She's moving away at the end of thesummer. Can I get some action before she goes or should I just cut off the sleepoversand forget about her? I really do like her, but I'd never tell her that. I'm not sure that I'dwant to date her (although it already kind of feels like we are sans action), but we coulddefinitely have more fun. Not even sure how this happened. This is bizarre becauseI've never just "slept"(literally) in the same bed with a girl(a hot girl no less). Is she justplaying with me?

She has a 4-day modeling/acting shoot in Montreal (about a 2 hour car ride).Should I go with her? I'm leaning towards a yes because I know we'd have a reallygood time.

Confused as all heck

-----------------------------

All right, I’m going to get real with you on this one, because there are a lot ofareas to clear up. Get scrubbed, because we’re going into the dating O.R. (operatingroom, for you non E.R. watching fools... like me...)

1) If you get the vibe that a girl has baggage YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT!Most guys have decent baggage-radar, but they choose to ignore the massive pingsignals they get. Remember that there are pros and cons to these women. The only real"pro" is that she's probably got bruised self-esteem, and you might score based on thatalone. But that's a bit vulture-ous, and I would avoid the possible aftermath. The big"Con" to this situation is that she's got issues, and that means she'll monkey with yourhead and wind up spinning YOU around to the tune of her games. (And she has, myfriend.) Abusive relationships have turned this girl into a HEAD CASE. Sometimes alsoknown as DAMAGED GOODS. She feels inadequate and unworthy.

2) You say: "None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on." Well, DUH!Yeah, neither can I! What's going through that head of yours? She's basically turnedyou into her sex-less little girlfriend. She can weep on your shoulder, use you for bedand breakfast and pretend like she's jealous when you've got another woman interestedin you, but basically what she's got is you wrapped around her finger. Don't tell me -you're not getting any from the other women you're dating either, primarily because thishot one takes up all your mental bandwidth. "But I want her..." he says to himself all thetime.

DATING Q&A



32

3) Early on, you got buying indicators (touching, etc.) but you chose to ignorethem. When you failed to take action on those, her female mental processes startedswitching you off as a sex-buddy and you were starting to be thrown into that "friend"bin. She says you're "good looking"? Great. That's the consolation prize every womanwho won't put out likes to give. Not that you're probably not, but she's just trying to tellyou that in some way, her damaged psyche is telling her that she has issues in her self-worth. Women who are broken this way often like to edify men and then refusethemselves the ones they try to convince themselves they SHOULD want. Bottom line:She's not feeling gut-level attraction for you. She hasn't since that first night when youneeded to keep moving in. (Read the article in this book on Always Advancing YourAssault.)

I was going to advise you to go ahead and just bust a move on her and move in,no excuses. Either get what you need with no shame, or boot her the hell out. Enoughof this walking-the-fence-crap. If you're looking for some sex, hit it and quit it. Time forher to choose which team she's on.

But I think the more important step for you is to cut her off and move on.Ultimately, that will have the most validation and positive impact to your nervoussystem. You're starting to slide down the slippery slope of wimpiness, and I want you togather some of your confidence back. Sometimes the best way to do that is to cut offsomeone who's damaging to you. Regain some of your pride and self-confidence byproving that you can TURN HER DOWN.

If you don't you're going to start reinforcing an image of yourself that says that 1)this treatment is okay, and 2) You can't do any better.

This is a dangerous fork in the road, my friend. I've been there myself, and I'veseen others come to it. To the left is "Nice Guy"-ville. This is where your masculinityevaporates, and your once-happening sex and dating life with it. The media and shittyromantic comedies have almost convinced you to go over to this dark side. Pretty soon,you'll believe that men are really bad - they abuse women, and start wars, and rapewomen, and damage the environment ...

To the right is your possible route to being an Alpha Male again. You don'tcapitulate to women.

Here's your prescription:

First, stop the sleepovers.

Now.

DATING Q&A



33

Don't date her. If you don't stop this now you're going to wind up as one of thosesorry case examples that I end up using to correct another situation. Instead, be thegood example that corrects his situation and gets back in the game. Reclaim your ballsfrom her and get to it.

Next, re-read the section of the e-book where I talk about "Trust" and theTherapist Trap.

Do NOT go with her on this trip. You said you think you'll have a great time?Does this sound like a "great" time to you:

- She continues to use you

- You don't get any sex

- Your balls progressively inflate and turn blue

- And you don't get any other kind of connection with a woman that can give youwhat you want because you're too busy playing Tom Hanks to her weepy dysfunctionalMeg Ryan.

Every minute you spend with Ms. Cuddles is another minute you aren't gettingwhat you want. She's turned into your pet project. You're thinking you can turn heraround, or still get something out of this, after all, you've sunk so much effort in this far...

Ask yourself: How much longer are you going to accept losing?

Remember the ultimate loser affirmation: "Yeah, I know, but..."

BUT what?

Get out! Do you have any idea how many reasonably SANE and attractivewomen there are out there who WILL have sex with you and give you the completepackage?

If you did, you wouldn't be in this situation.

'Nuff said, homey.

QUESTION:How come you say looks do not matter? Look at all these guys. They say the

looks do matter, and they are players.

---------------------

DATING Q&A



34

(First of all, let me fill in some blanks for the readers. This email came in with acouple of articles and postings about how men’s looks DO matter. And he's contestingthat looks do matter when I've said before that looks don't really matter.)

Well, gee, golly, let me check my ID card here... uh-huh. That's what I thought. Itsays, "I'm a player" too. Wow! What a co-inky-dink.

It's time for a little lesson here, because SOME people are having a difficult timeunderstanding what "looks" really are and mean.

There is the first kind of "looks" which is your PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS.Does this matter? Sure it does. No one is going to argue that good looks won't help youin life. That's a fact.

HOWEVER... Your looks are only going to get your foot in the door. (Fact: haveyou ever seen food that looked great but tasted like shit? Think about it.)

Look at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson...

Look at Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie.

Look at ... aw, hell, just about any couple you know that makes you go,"HUH???"

The second kind of looks is your APPEARANCE. How neat do you dress? Doyou have nice shoes? A good haircut? Did you trim those Daddy-Longlegs hairs thatwere sprouting out of your nose and ears?

The third kind of looks is the AURA OF CONFIDENCE that you project.

THIS is THE MOST IMPORTANT KIND OF LOOKS! You'll get laid more oftenwith these looks and decent APPEARANCE looks than you will with PHYSICALATTRACTIVENESS alone.

Re-read that until it sinks in. I suspect most of you already KNOW this, but it'seasier for some to keep frowning and sulking, kicking the ground and whining abouthow all the good looking women go for the good looking guys. Gosh, it's just not FAIR.

WRONG! Their good "looks" help, but it's their ALPHA MALE behavior thatprojects this. What these guys got was a little cocky and confident about their ability withwomen because their looks gave them a good start - maybe a couple feet difference inthe starting blocks. And then they got this experience reinforced over time. Thatexperience increased their confidence. And up and up and up...

DATING Q&A



35

If I had a dime for every guy I knew who was good looking but totally f*&$ing uphis singles life because he was a wimp - a NICE GUY - I'd be friggin' rich. I kid youNOT.

You'll get laid more often with your ATTITUDE/POSTURE and theAPPEARANCE looks you have than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESSalone. The point of my point is that if you have looks, great. But you still need more. Ifyou don't have looks, great. You can overcome this with the right attitude.

Don't understand? Then you're not getting "IT." The "IT" I'm talking about ispervasive in this newsletter, and it's explained fully in my e-book. The IT is yourATTITUDE, my friends. NOTHING is more important.

And I'm going to give you some proof very soon of that through someexperiments I've been conducting on hotornot.com and Match.com.

By the tone of your email, dear reader, you're looking to do one of two things:Prove me wrong (keep trying), or Prove yourself right - in some mistaken belief thatlooks are your biggest problem.

News flash: If you think your looks are holding you back, then guess what? TheyARE going to hold you back. Subconsciously and consciously.

On the other hand, if you act as though your looks are NOT holding you back,they won't. Your attitude will jump up a couple notches, SHE will sense it, and you'llstart getting laid. Then you'll get your proof that looks are just a visitor's pass, and eventhe best looking guys get dropped FAST if they act like wimps.

Henry Ford said: "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you'reprobably right."

Oh, and one more thing to contemplate - What if it were true that women went forbetter looking guys? Ask yourself: What if this were true?

There are two kinds of guys out there:

1) The kind that would accept this belief and piss and moan about it - using it astheir sole excuse in life for not being an Alpha Man and getting what theywant. "I'm not gorgeous, so gorgeous women won't want me. Boo-hoo."Hand him a tissue.

2) The kind that DO what they need to in order to GET what they want. They'dfind a way around it. If they don't see the circumstances they want, theyMAKE them.

The number 2 guys out there understand that THIS ATTITUDE ALONE is whatgets them successful with ANY woman they want.

DATING Q&A



36

QUESTION So how much do you tell a woman up front about yourself? They always ask so

many questions. How much information do you give her?

----------------

Disclosure is a tricky aspect of seduction. It's hard to know what to tell her andwhen for the maximum effect.

Here's a general rule of thumb: NEVER tell a woman anything that might lowerher attraction for you.

That sounds very simple and very common sense, but you'd be amazed howmany men get suckered into giving up way too much intimate and unnecessary detail.

It's also tempting, especially when women SAY they want "Honesty" from men.

But they DON'T. Not really.

What they're saying is: "It's okay, as long as you don't outright LIE to me. I justdon't want or need to know everything about you to sleep with you."

Too much disclosure too early kills - murders - your chances for sleeping with awoman.

Too much disclosure means you lack SELF-CONTROL, and that's one of thecritical components of your self-confidence.

It's better to err to the side of giving her too little information. It creates moremystery, which works in your favor (as long as you work to increase her attraction alongwith it.)

Telling her something negative about you can NEVER increase the positivefeelings she has for you. It doesn't work like that.

Think about it this way: If you're out with a woman, and she lets slip that she wasjust on medication for an STD (sexually transmitted disease), what's going to runthrough your mind the whole time you're with her?

Yup. That's right. DISEASE.

Vaginal critters.

Maybe even AIDS.

DATING Q&A



37

Her honesty = Your repulsion.

You will NOT be more attracted to her or likely to sleep with her because of herbeing so open with you. In fact, if you're smart, you'll move along quickly.

This works exactly the same for her.

Think about it another way: If you were just pulling down her panties, and she'sgroping to undo your belt, and she whispers in your ear that she's just finishedmedication to clear up her STD, so she couldn't take her birth control pills, which meansyou better have a good rubber, you're going to be more inclined to agree and still gothrough with the event than if she let that information slip in the first few minutes oftalking to her. (Also depending on how much blood is still left in your brain.)

There's a time and a place for information. And sometimes there is NO time andNO place for certain kinds of information.

o Keep your thirst for porn out of the conversation

o Don't try to impress her with your encyclopedic knowledge of serial killers

o Don't talk about the hum-job you got from your cousin when you were nine(you perv)

o Don't discuss how you've always wanted to tour the Medieval torturedevices in Europe

o Keep your desire to get peed on hush-hush until you at least get onesexual act complete

o Don't invite her over to look at your comic book collection, thinking thatTodd Macfarlane's art is going to turn her on.

In short, don't discuss blood, pain, death, rape, murder, war, famine, or any otherof a million negative topics. Everything should be positive at the start, and especiallypositive about YOU.

So this is important: She doesn't need to know your entire sordid dirty historybefore she lets you sleep with her. She only needs to know enough that you're notdangerous or violent. (I've had women email me interview questionnaires before,believe it or not. I don't let them screen me out so easily. I tell them the questions getanswered when we get together. Maybe.)

Ideally, you shouldn't even talk about yourself when you're with a woman. Theconversation should be entirely focused on HER, without looking like you're avoidingtalking about yourself. Be mysterious, not suspicious.

DATING Q&A



38

QUESTION:

Dear Guru,

I met a girl when I was last in my home city on holiday. I got her number andcalled her a couple of days later because I was leaving town in a week.

Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the waywith her the night before I left. It was a good night and she had a lot of promise.

I have kept a casual phone relationship with her for six months. I know she hassince been seeing another guy, a cool musician type. Now I am back in my home city tolive. She doesn't know this yet. I want to be prepared when i see her. It would be greatto get her off this guy and interested in me again!

Any advice on how i can do this with poise and confidence?

Cheers

--------------------------------------

Guru? Wow. Great title for me.

First of all, let's go over the positive things you relate in your story, because thereare a lot of subtle attitudinal things going on here that I don't want anyone to miss:

1) "I got her number and called her a couple of days later because I was leavingtown in a week."

This answers the question a lot of guys pose about "when do I call her?" Answer:You call her when you feel the timing is right for you. I don't like blanket rules of "4 days"or "the first Monday after the first Sunday you got her number."

Generally speaking, I'd wait at least 2 days, but if the situation demands it, andyou can pull it off confidently, theoretically you can call her just about anytime. But youhave to have the right ATTITUDE. I cannot stress this enough. (Watch the movie"Swingers" to see how NOT to handle this.)

2) "Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the way

with her the night before I left."

Excellent! You kept your first couple of meetings short (not these drawn out,dinner/movie/drinks combinations that so many guys fall into the trap of doing.) And you

DATING Q&A



39

progressed to the goal confidently before your departure. You saw that if you worked toyour goal, you will get it.

3) "It was a good night and she had a lot of promise."

PRECISELY! You're getting it.

She had a lot of promise. You understand that she is the one that has to proveherself to you, NOT the other way around. Too many men go around with the smell ofapproval-seeking on them and then wonder why they aren't getting anywhere.

She has to show her promise to you, guys. Most of the women you meet will beunsuitable for the long-term. I know, that's hard to believe, but it's doubly true for veryattractive women. If you understand this fact - REALLY understand it - you'll then reflectan attitude that draws women in. If you act like a man that tries to look promising toHER, it's a completely different mindset, and it puts you at an immediate disadvantage.(Just remember, most women aren't what you want - beyond the sex.)

Now, to cover your question:

"Any advice on how I can do this with poise and confidence?"

Well, I'm curious about that "casual" phone relationship you kept. I'll interpret it tomean that you were not calling her every day and you still went about your life. Whichmeans that she obviously did, too. And the fact that you know about her new interest,Mr. Rockabilly, means that she must feel comfortable disclosing her situation to you indetail.

The key to your re-acquiring this target is that you need to gauge how interestedshe still is in you. If she's written you off as a one-shot lover, she may not want to startup the fire again. (One of the reasons she may have been interested in your earlier one-night-stand was that she knew you weren't local. Therefore, any social pressures shemay have had were lowered significantly.)

On the other hand, if she's the kind of woman that doesn't like feeling that she'sbeen a "slut," she might want to see you again to establish things in her mind, to makeherself feel better. It really all depends on what kind of explicit or implicit arrangementyou feel she's made in her head. Only you can figure this out for sure.

Here's what you can do: Make it a point to offer a surprise meeting with her. Callher up and tell her you're "in town." You don't have to go into detail about your situation.Set up a meeting with her. Go somewhere she has never been before (so that you gether out of her familiar environment.) Go get a drink somewhere. Don't make it sound toomuch like a "date."

Tell her you want to catch up with her and you've got something "important"about your life to share with her. A "surprise." Use a little bait.

DATING Q&A



40

(It's important to make that "important" thing sound like it has nothing to do withher, or you risk having her think you might propose or something outrageous that wouldfreak her out.)

Then, when you get together, start hitting the teasing and the cocky/funny routinepretty hard with her. Joke with her like: "Look, I hope you're not going to try and get medrunk and take advantage of me, or something. I'm not that easy." Then feel out herresponse. If she seems interested and challenged, and maybe a bit frisky, you're still inthe game. If she seems very stand-offish and distant, not willing to play, there's a goodchance she's already cut her emotional ties to you and wants to move on.

Also, listen to how (and if) she talks about her current Mr. Rockabilly. If shebrings him up all the time with lots of starry-eyed references and seems like she's inworship mode, I'd consider letting her go off on her fantasy quest. Reality can nevercompete with her fantasies.

Take the opportunity to revive a few memories of her and you. "Yeah, but I bet hedoesn't play your strings the way I did. Remember when we were together and I..." Seehow she reacts. If you can get her re-living the experience of you two being together,and she doesn't push it away as if it were a silly mistake, you've got a real shot atshoving Mr. Rockabilly out of the picture.

Just don't make the mistake a lot of guys make when they are trying to get her totrade up: Don't put the other guy down or bring him into the conversation at all after that.You have to replace him based on your own merits, or you'll risk turning her off. Youcan't get back in her good graces by putting him down, and you'd risk pushing herstraight to him. If she starts talking about him, cut her off with: "You know, I'd like to hearabout him sometime, maybe, but I'm much more interested in you. What have you beendoing since we shared that passionate night together...?"

Start by getting the lay of the land. Find out how she's feeling, what she'sthinking.

Then, get her to re-experience your pleasure together. Remind her of thepassions and the fun you two had. Get her to remember that state, and use a lot ofsensual words.

Stay challenging to her. Don't come on strong at the start hoping that she'll justfall for your charms. If you have a shot, she must already be thinking about you twotogether again. What she needs is a little hope mixed with a little doubt. Give them toher in equal measure. Tease her with the possibilities.

Just don't let her in on your "secret" (that you've moved back) too early, until youknow more about how to play your cards. If she asks you right away and won't let up,give her something else, like you've discovered the joys of acupuncture or something.

DATING Q&A



41

If you get to a point where she does show some interest, but she doesn't want togo further without making things more than a one-nighter, THEN you let her in on your"surprise," that you're back in town indefinitely. Use that as hope for her. Tease her withwhat "might be." But don't tell her she's got you if she wants you. No woman ever wantswhat comes easy

Play it cool and I think you'll do just fine...

QUESTION:You're the man.

I've got another question for you:

I've been dating this girl from abroad for about two months now and things wentreally well (with the help of The Dating Black Book I might add). On the third date wehad sex and it's like this on most of the dates since. Yesterday she sent me an emailstating: "I'm really confused, I have to tell you I've got a boyfriend at home". Poor guy....I have not really responded to that "problem" yet, but was wondering what theappropriate way would be, because I have no intention to go exclusive. Please let meknow if you have an idea.

Thanks!

--------------------------------------

First of all, I'll take credit for the information (Thanks! I AM the Man!:), but YOUhave to take credit for doing the work. You're understanding how that information putsyou YEARS ahead in terms of your confidence and success with women. Good job!

Now, let's dig down into the source of her 'confusion.' (Poor thing.)

Why is she confused?

She has reached a state in her mind where she is starting to understand that theindulgence she had with you - her little love affair in the States - now has a very realaspect to it. You see, women - when removed from their natural habitat (i.e., withindriving distance of their home) feel much more liberated from the constant pressure tolive up to the identity they've created for themselves at home. (Another reason whythere's so much sex on spring break in Florida.)

DATING Q&A



42

I personally love it when a woman gets a sudden attack of morality when herrational mind catches up to her emotional actions. It's a bit cruel, but I enjoy watchingthe turmoil from time to time. It's like watching a dog chase its tail.

Her confusion stems from the problem of letting herself do what she probablywanted to do with you (have some fun) and now she has to face that she has this dullold boyfriend back home that she feels obligated to stay with. Maybe he's her sugardaddy. Maybe he's a nice guy (the kind of guy she probably SHOULD want) but she'sjust not digging him anymore. Whatever.

The important thing to figure out is WHY SHE TOLD YOU WHAT SHE DID.

It seems to me that she's probably telling the truth, since there's no good reasonfor her to have to lie about that, unless she feels so guilty that she wants to find a wayout. More likely however, she's just caught between what her feelings tell her she wants,and what her rational mind says she should. They just don't match.

But, I'm not sure I see the problem here. I mean, you have no intention to goexclusive (smart decision!) and she's already taken care of.

So the problem is....?

To respond to the situation, I'd say there's only one thing you really need to do:

Let her know that it was okay to do what she did. It sounds to me like she neededsomeone else to relieve this cognitive dissonance that she feels. She's torn betweenattraction and desire for you and her feelings of obligation (and whatever cultural normsshe has) for him. You let her know this is okay, and what happened was okay, and youdon't bear her any grudge for not telling you. In fact, you should let her know that she'snot YOUR only one, either. ;)

She might be interested in keeping up the affair, and if she is, then she can nowdo so with her conscience as free as you can make it for her.

If she's not interested in keeping it going, then you just gave her an out. It's theonly gentlemanly thing to do. Very honorable.

In the end, whatever she's thinking, she just doesn't want to feel like she's been a"bad" person. "Bad" to her probably equates to either being a slut or unfaithful, as sheprobably feels she has.

Ease her conscience. Then, when she's back in the states again, show her a littlemore charm, and get right back in the sack again. She's a grown-up. She knows whatshe's doing.

DATING Q&A



43

ALWAYS ADVANCE YOUR ASSAULT

One of my hobbies as a kid was reading about World War II. For some reason,this time period just captured my imagination. I'd build models of half-tracks and Pattontanks to play with. It was innocent boy-fun, since no kid really understood the truehorrors of war until later on.

I'd also read about the generals, and their strategies and tactics on the battlefield.It was always interesting to see how courageously they had to advance on the enemy,and the emphasis was always on advancing the line of skirmish into the enemy'sterritory. Relentlessly, the leaders always pressed forward.

I think you can imagine where I'm taking this. No matter how timid, nervous, orshaken you feel about the interaction you're having with a woman, you should alwayshave a goal of pressing forward in the advance on her. You cannot hold back yourtroops in hopes that you'll be able to overpower her later.

The time you must seize is NOW.

You see, there are two valid approaches you can take when you are moving inon a woman you are interested in. The first one is of constructive restraint. This is whereyou refuse to advance so as to draw her in further, out of curiosity. This strategy willonly work if you already have her interested in you and can continue to pull her in bymaking her wonder more than she's willing to resist.

It's a valid strategy, one that must be delicately balanced with control. If she isn'talready intrigued and attracted to you, holding back and being too mysterious will notwork. It will be like a rumor of enemy forces gathering in the jungle - nothing substantialenough to rally the troops around.

The other approach is to advance your assault, relentlessly. You must take everyopportunity to move in on her, furthering toward your goal. Forward - Forward -Forward. You can pause between assaults (in fact, it's very necessary) but you keepgoing FORWARD. Never backwards.

If you get to the point where you see some authentic attraction and response toyour approach, you move in for some body contact or light touching. From there you lether get used to this, and then you move on to kissing, and so on... and so on ...

You have to let go of the fear of rejection and failure so that you can keepyourself moving forward enough to succeed. Most failure in the world is not caused bygenuine obstacles but by being afraid of the success and self-sabotaging yourself out offear.

DATING Q&A



44

Do you remember the game of red-light/green-light as a kid? This was where youhad one person (the traffic light) standing far away from a group of kids. When the trafficlight turned around and looked away, he would say "green light" meaning that you couldmove forward. When the traffic light was ready, he would say "red light" and turn aroundquickly to see if he could see anyone moving forward. If he did, that person had to goback to the start again and renew their advance. The object was to get all the way to theplace where the traffic light kid stood and tag them. Then you got to be the light.

Think of the woman you're moving in on as being this traffic light. As long as youcan move in undetected - when she's not 'looking' - you are free to continue. But if sheyells "Red light!" and catches you in the process of advancing, you have to go back andstart again.

The objective in this game is to never let her consciously stop your advance byrecognizing that you are moving forward with the goal of seduction. Your moves have toconstantly be forward or you'll never reach her. But you also have to balance this with alevel of control that keeps her from seeing what you're up to.

The higher you can jack up her excitement and attraction for you, as well assome trust, the faster you'll be able to move in on her. She'll keep her "green light" onfor you much longer.

QUESTION:I'm confused , you say we should be confident and not be afraid to show passion

and feeling when meeting or chat women.

But on the other hand, you say, not to show our feelings to soon cause it blowsthe mistery.

---------------------

Common misunderstanding. I think my point is that you do not show or tell heryour feelings ABOUT HER. Feelings in general are great to have. You show a passionand excitement about your life that she will want to be a part of. You love baseball, thesmell of the grass and the hot dogs, and the sound of the crowd.

But telling a woman about YOUR feelings for HER is strictly off limits for the firstfew months. Telling a woman how you feel about her almost always comes across likesomeone looking for something in return. It feels fake, it sounds needy, and she'll neverfeel more inspired and attracted to you just because you told her what YOU feel for her.

DATING Q&A



45

She only cares about how SHE feels about YOU. She will feel attracted by the doubtand mystery of your feelings for her.

So tell her what you feel about everything else, but leave her in the dark aboutYOUR feelings for her. That doesn't come until much further down the road.

QUESTION:How do you tell if a woman thinks of you as her friend or someone she should

date when your current status with her is so far a friend?

And is it possible for a girl to fall in love with her friend and then she decides shewants to change this friendship?

----------------------

This "friend" question just won't go away.

Read my lips, gentlemen: If you haven't kissed her the first or second time yousee her, you are her FRIEND, and that means NOT her boyfriend. Capisce?

As for it being possible for her to fall in love with her friend, yes, it is possible. Butso is the situation of me waking up tomorrow with Heather Locklear spit-polishing mylove-lever.

The better question is: Is it likely?

No, not really. It takes a radical chance of mind for a woman to flip the switch of"friends" over to "lovers." It usually only happens (from my experience) when a womanis too shy to admit or act on her feelings in the first place, and her interest only comesup when he is happily dating some other woman. (Jealousy is a great motivator.)

Oh, yeah, and it happens in movies sometimes, which is the real Hollywood lie ...

QUESTION:You know how you mention that the way men act in Hollywood movies is not

what attracts women in real life. Well then how come women react emotionally whenwatching these movies and even worse, if they see that actor in real life they throwthemselves all over him?

DATING Q&A



46

----------------------

Aha! Good question! This deserves some time and attention, because I bet thereare a lot of guys confused about this one. It's really not that contradictory.

Hollywood doesn't care about presenting an accurate picture of what women areattracted to. Nor are they concerned about presenting an inaccurate picture.

They only want to sell tickets.

The problem is that every romantic comedy falls into the same bucket as the last,and if you'll look back consistently over the years, you'll see a pattern.

Pattern 1) Men have gotten weaker and more touchy-feely. This is to cater to the(INCORRECT) assumption that because women are acting more like men, that theynow want men to act more like women. Pure Horsesh*t. The male role model used to bethe strong and suave man: Cary Grant, Clark Gable, etc. It's still what attracts women.

Pattern 2) Walt Disney ate her brain. Women have been sold the Cinderellastory since they were 2 years old when they wouldn't fall asleep without a story readingor a good shot of Nyquil. Momma pulls out the dream story of Prince Charming andstarts the process. Then come the Disney home videos/DVDs and you've got yourself adisillusioned youngster who thinks that this is the way life works. Not necessarily thatPrince Charming isn't too far off the mark, but that men immediately assume thisromantic and courageous role means chasing her and throwing gifts at her. Boy is SHEpissed when she finds out how different life really is.

Hollywood is a mixed bag, though. Sometimes they'll turn out a good role modeland story, like Gladiator, or Maverick, Indiana Jones, or the James Bond movies. Now, Idon't pretend that this is intellectual New Age in-touch with your emotions movies, butthey more accurately represent WHAT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO. They aretypically tough-guys, but this comes through in their behavior, not their cluelessbumbling or pandering to a woman as if she controls the cookie jar. (Even if she does.)

When I blame Hollywood, I'm blaming all those movies that put a man'sconfidence on the back burner and sell him the lines about buying flowers and givingpoems. (Watch the show "Scrubs" for what I mean by this. Hilarious show; absurd anddemeaning male role models.) Movies create unrealistic circumstances, and oftenunrealistic fairy-tale endings. (Guess who they're catering to?)

WOMEN DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS KIND OF MALE BEHAVIOR. They willappear to for about a couple dates (only because it is slightly flattering), but when youstart supplicating and start to behave like a man who needs her approval, you areheaded for absolute and certain FAILURE.

DATING Q&A



47

Women respond to emotional images all the time. They cry at weddings,funerals, pregnancy tests, and pictures of kittens in trees with wet fur that say "Hang inthere 'til Friday!" They react to emotion of every kind.

She's buying into a FANTASY.

She responds to REALITY.

Here's your litmus test:

Date a woman. Give her candy and flowers and pledge your undying love. Callher all the time and try to convince her that she should be yours.

Date another woman. Give her only the occasional affirmation, and mostly teaseher. Let her know that she's got to work a little to keep you.

Guaranteed you'll get better results with the second woman. If you don't knowwhy, you have to read the e-book. I give you every scrappy detail in there.

Lastly, you refer to how the women love the movie stars even off-screen. Theylove the men who are:

A) Good looking, yes, but that's not what pulls them in the most. Look at EdHarris and Billy Bob Thornton. Women love them. (Ever wonder why Angelina Joliemarried Billy? Read his interview in Playboy if you want to know. He's a whacked dude,riddled with insecurities, but he's a bad-boy at heart.)

B) Projecting their confidence - the movie star, no matter what role he hasplayed in the past, projects the aura of a man IN CONTROL OF HIS DESTINY. Womenso rarely are. They latch on to this attitude like the proverbial flies to honey.

C) Wanted by other women - Women want what other women want. (I'mcurrently conducting an experiment on this that I hope to tell you guys about in a coupleweeks. You'll find it very enlightening.)

These actors are idolized in society because of their almost mythical status. Theypersonify mystery, confidence, charisma, sexuality.

They are not wanted by women because they play wimpy male roles.

In short, they are CELEBRITIES. Yes, you and I could probably get laid all thetime just by being in movies, no matter what part we played in a movie. But we're notfamous. (Hey, I'm working on it, though.)

DATING Q&A



48

Hollywood is not all bad. There are a LOT of good role models in the movies, ifyou'll watch very closely and if you know what to read in between the lines. Almost allmale roles start out wimpy or indecisive and end up confident and strong. You just haveto watch out for the little lies that are always slipped in between, when they show a manpursuing a woman and professing his love to her as a way to win her over.

Everything you do with a woman should project a strong and clear message:Respect me. Or I'll be gone so fast your eyes will swim.

Remember, there are many things that draw in a woman:

-Power

-Money

-Celebrity status

-Looks

-Humor

And there are ways to simulate and supersede all those with the right display ofpersonality. Ultimately, it comes down to confidence and self-assuredness.

EVERY single time.

QUESTION:

I have been reading some of your articles and would like to know what youropinion is on this. About ten years ago, I managed to spend a year abroad, when I was22, and met people from all different countries.

Then, about a month into the new academic year, the Italians turned up. In abouttwo weeks, there was not a single Italian man. I am still asking myself how they did it. Iasked one of them and he said things like he would just keep pestering or talking to agirl until she gave in.

I do know that the Italians were very charming even with men!, made you feelimportant and that you were the center of their world, very nice and pleasant, verycomfortable about themselves, kind, knew how to chat up women (almost as though ithad been learnt from birth), 100% comfortable about themselves emotionally (evenmore than physically), brought out the positive in a person, made people feel good

DATING Q&A



49

about themselves, and 100% targeted on results, but they also knew something that Idon't know AND AM STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT !!!!

I have had more failure than success. Although girls seem to like me, and I knowfor a fact that many girls have fancied me, I don't think I'm getting anywhere at themoment and am having nowhere near the success rate of my Italian friends. Showingmy weaknesses honestly now, I suppose I'm quite shy really. I'm not aggressive as aperson unless I am pushed. I can make a good first impression, but don’t really knowhow to follow through OR WHAT TO SAY or carry on a conversation without making itlook obvious or as though I am pestering the girl and get the result without driving thegirl away (yes, on basic psychology, I fear rejection so my male pride is not hurt), andam desperately looking for a proper method to do this.

To be honest, I'm probably quite fearful of showing my real emotions to a girl orgetting close. I suppose I've got quite a suspicious nature really. I always think the girl isgoing to compare me to better guys. I'm not sure if I am getting the message throughclearly enough.

Though there is one thing that seems to generate positive results. If I'm 101%mentally relaxed and not too serious or tense or wrapped up with my own problems, butlight hearted and take the whole thing as a bit of a joke, girls seem to be attracted to melike a magnet to metal. Also, they seem to like it when I am not afraid to show my ownemotions and keep positive about things.

In spite of all that I think things can turn things round. I realize that I am my ownworst enemy and that I need to change my way of thinking and confidence level to getwhat I want. Have you got any good specific advice for me? Please don't tell me just tobuy the book !!!!

(Edited for length)

**************************

I've always got specific advice for you guys, and I'll try to address most of yourquestions here.

In my usual, analytical style, let's break this down, shall we?

First, The "ITALIAN FACTOR"

You saw something that women the world over have known for years, and manymen have either come to emulate or resent.

Italian men get pussy.

Sorry, did that shock you?

DATING Q&A



50

Good. It's going to get even better. Wait until I get into my racial stereotyping.

I'm half-Italian, half-British, and let me tell you, if I were to put my "Lord Byron"personality out there next to my "Don Juan DeMarco" personality, Don Juan gets laidlike it's going out of style, and Lord Byron sits in the corner twirling his mustache andkeeping a stiff upper lip ... and nothing else stiff.

I do, in fact, have both of these personalities at work, and I use the British side tomaintain the emotional self-control that only my tea drinking, beer swilling mates acrossthe Pond can appreciate. While, on the other hand, my Italian side is the emotionalfirestorm that burns faster than a bone-dry Redwood forest in August.

What is the Italian factor?

PASSION.

EMOTION.

CONFIDENCE.

ROMANCE.

MYSTERY.

MEATBALLS.

Okay, the last one was to make sure you were paying attention. (But I like tomake sure the women know where the beef is kept ... Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Seriously, the things that make women swoon over Italian men is their NO FEARattitude when it comes to making them feel appreciated and loved. Italians will approacha woman, pull her hand to them and yank her next to them as they look fetchingly intotheir eyes. They whisper a phrase with un-shaking confidence - "Picciare e tutto mio,signora ... che bella donna..." and the women swoon.

(*Please note that not ALL members of a particular ethnicity are the same,however, there are many traits that ARE common. These are cultural norms. But, asalways, there are exceptions to the rules.)

Now, you're also looking far too hard. You seem to think there is a mysterious"Italian Factor" that is not on the charts - something they have beyond those traitsyou've observed. They really don't. What you're sensing but not being able to figure outis their ATTITUDE, the overall fusion of all those traits. Yes, I know, I ranted aboutattitude a couple issues ago, but it is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CANDEVELOP!!!!

Do I need to scream that again?

CONFIDENCE!

DATING Q&A



51

POSTURE!

ATTITUDE!

You said it yourself, mi amico. You could emulate all those behaviors youobserved in the Italians, and there is one hidden belief that is tripping you up andundermining everything you do.

FEAR and SUSPICION.

You see, if you can't shed your deeply ingrained belief that women (or men) areconsistently out to do you wrong, you'll never be able to come across openly andwarmly to other people.

Trust me on this, because I still struggle with it to this day.

90% of our communication is done NON-verbally. Without words. Your bodylanguage, your expressions, your overall aura. All of that communicates to a personwhat you're REALLY saying.

So, if you feel you're probably giving off a suspicious and mistrustful vibe, youcan bet every Euro in your bank account that women (and men) are picking up on it andare not willing to give you back the benefit of the doubt.

All of this is nice and well, I can hear you guys saying, but what can you do toovercome it?

You've already figured out the answer to that, too.

"If I'm 101% mentally relaxed and not too serious or tense or wrapped up with myown problems, but light hearted and take the whole thing as a bit of a joke, girls seem tobe attracted to me like a magnet to metal"

So there you go!

You need to RELAX, dude.

I'd be willing to bet that in most encounters with women, you're putting up a vibeto them that says this:

"You're nice, and I'm sure I'd like to sleep with you, as well as get to know youbetter. BUT, there's a part of me that just can't believe you won't do something to hurtme or betray me, or let me down. So, I'm going to hold back, and I'm going to let yourisk yourself first. THEN I'll open up and be more trusting."

People sense this holding back and will hold back themselves because of it.Despite the fact that it seems to be a chicken-and-the-egg syndrome, you just have tosuck it up and take the chance.

DATING Q&A



52

Fear is perfectly normal, as is a small bit of suspicion. The key to unlock theirlimiting and inhibiting affect is to act in spite of them.

Fearful? Do something anyway.

Suspicious? Give without expecting to receive. Do the thing that your fear andsuspicion would stop you from doing and YOU WIN.

Remember this: Most men's failures with women can be tracked back to needingsomething from them TOO MUCH.

You want specific advice?

1) Start hanging around women in all kinds of situations. Make their companysomething that is so ordinary that it is boring. When women cease to be intimidating,you'll start to relax a lot more. Right now, I suspect you treat women like dainty uniquecreatures from Perfect Island, where they never fart or poop and always smellwonderful. Humanize the women in your life, not idolize.

2) Start working on emotional exposure. Show your emotions to people moreoften. Take the risks of showing your inner feelings, without coming across as unhingedor weird. Be willing to show a little passion in your words. Risk yourself.

3) Study the language of passion and emotions. Read poetry. Memorizepassionate verses that evoke imagery and feeling. Words are the currency ofinteraction, and if you are fluent enough, you can make women swoon with your skill inlanguage. Also, study some NLP. (Neuro-linguistic Programming.)

4) Keep studying the people in your life that get results with women. Then think alittle harder about what kind of beliefs these people have in order to behave that way.Do what they do. Don't question it! Just DO IT.

5) You already pointed out every trait of yours you know you need to work on. It'stime to do the REAL work of sitting down with an open mind and start planning whatyou're going to do to overcome these limitations: Shyness, lack of aggressiveness, fear,suspicion, understanding of conversation skills.

Women are smelling your NON-Alpha Dog behavior and penalizing you by notgiving you success. What are your alternatives? Do NOTHING and get NOTHING

DATING Q&A



53

- OR -

Do something to learn and change these patterns, and then get RESULTS.

6) You also already pointed out every trait of your Italian friends that you KNOWworked:

"very nice and pleasant, very comfortable about themselves, kind, knew how tochat up women (almost as though it had been learnt from birth), 100% comfortableabout themselves emotionally (even more than physically), brought out the positive in aperson, made people feel good about themselves, and 100% targeted on results"

Get to work on developing those. If you can get the hang of those traits, you'vewon most of the battle. That just about sums up a man of confident attitude, don't youthink?

What makes you think there's something MORE to it? Oh, because that wouldmean this mysterious "Italian factor" is something you were born without and thereforehave an excuse that you can't develop because it's not inherited.

Please.

You're looking right at the Truth but refusing to see.

7) Get my e-book. Oops! Did I say that? Yes, I did. But at least I didn't ONLYsay, "Buy my book." :) Seriously, why do you think I wrote The Dating Black Book?HINT: To answer questions JUST LIKE YOURS.

Just remember this: Don't ever be the man sitting in front of the cold fireplace,scowling and yelling "First you give me heat and THEN I'll give you wood!"

Life doesn't work like that, guys. I know you know better than this.

QUESTION:Hello,

Thanks for a great e-book, and for accepting questions. I have been pursuingwomen to build up my three S's, and have few problems getting phone numbers anddates. However, I purchased your book for a strategy to break out of the "friend zone"with my very attractive female friend, age 25 with whom I share a lot of commoninterests. She's had previous boyfriends and an ex-fiancé.

I'm a very successful attorney, age 31. I have known this gal for about ninemonths, but I don't get the vibe from her that she is interested in more than friendship.She and I bump into one another at least one morning a week as we both go to a

DATING Q&A



54

running group. In addition, we have gone out together to a football and a baseballgame, dinner and bar-hopping, but the events never lead to anything physical. We'vegot plans to share a hotel room for an upcoming road-race in July, and she hasbounced around the idea of making plans with me for white water rafting, camping,kayaking and such.

In an average week, this woman will be asked out by at least two or threedifferent guys, but she turns them down. Although she likes spending time with me andwe have fun together, she still refers to me as a friend. She tells me she's waiting forthe perfect guy to come along, and won't settle for less.

So:

1. I'd like to learn some specific actions I can take to upgrade my status to a realdating relationship.

2. As an aside, what would you advise that I tell her about the other women I'mpursuing?

Thanks!

**************************

Let's start with the basics.

It seems that every man is hooked on the concept of making this one womanHIS.

Let's face it - we men LOVE a challenge. That's what makes us men. Andwomen know this, and that's why we've been drawn to the "hard-to-get" game for manyyears. (Like, uh, tens of thousands, maybe?)

Let's start with the raw reality:

It is RARE that you can ever take a female "friend" and turn her into your lover.Why? Women hate

- HATE -

H-A-T-E with a capital "H"

... okay, you get the point.

They REALLY hate the thought of ruining a friendship with a man. Women valuetheir friendships more than most of their love relationships. The potential for love is notas motivating as the possible threat of pain if the friendship didn't last.

Hollywood has poisoned your mind!

DATING Q&A



55

All those Meg Ryan films have got you believing that if you just wait long enough,and you go through the same cookie-cutter plot dynamics as today's modern Americanromantic comedy formula, she'll

1) Go through a turbulent experience with a man who is wrong for her (but shesleeps with, oddly enough)

2) And then she'll wake up one morning and break it off with him.

3) She'll call you up, invite you over, and in sickening slow motion she will realizethat you were IT all along. YOU are the ONE!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAG

(Further sounds of me blowing my Cheerios all over the place.)

Nope. That's a myth. Forget that and sue Hollywood. (Hey, you actually couldsue them, couldn't you? Cool.)

Now let's move on.

Men think: "Hey! Great friend! Fun to be with. Maybe she'd make a greatgirlfriend or mate!" Which is probably true, but too late for her.

Women, on the other hand, think: "Hey! Great friend! Fun to be with. He has tostay my friend, because I would HATE to ruin this friendship."

Dude, she sorted you out when you first met. Women decide this stuff early on sothey don't have to worry about ruining their friendships.

Carlos Xuma has a great point in his book that I'll mention here:

Women NEVER feel like they've missed out on a sex opportunity.

Think about that for a second.

Women NEVER feel as if they've missed out on sex. Or even a potentialboyfriend, for that matter.

Why?

Because they know damn well that their goal is not SEX. They can get thatanywhere, anytime. Just about any woman can get sex if she wants it, no matter howhomely or chunky. (I've talked to women about this and gotten that answer clearly.) Shehas no problem finding men.

Here's the secret to the dating universe, guys:

o A guy's goal is sex.

o A woman's goal is EMOTION.

DATING Q&A



56

She wants the roller-coaster ride of passion and heartache with a man. THAT'swhat women want.

(This may be giving away a huge secret, and there's a lot more to it that ridesbelow the surface, too.)

She'll give you sex, if you give her the right EMOTION.

Yes, she wants sex, too, but only to supplement her one-a-day pill of EMOTION.

(Guys, if you'll take that one section to heart and work it, you'll get laid more thanSafeway eggs. I kid you not.)

Back to the situation...

So, I'll tell you right now that your chances of turning this thing over are small. I'llput it at 1 in 20. (and MUCH lower if you didn't already have my e-book.)

Not very good odds.

Sigh.

You know, even if I put the odds at 1 in 1000, there are herds of guys out therethat still have ignored what I just said and are asking: "Yeah, okay, so how do I do it,then? Huh? HOW??? TELL ME, MAN!!"

If you're set and determined to make her your lover, you'll have to get Medievalon her ass, as my friend Marcellus Wallace would say. You're going to have summonevery bit of game you've got if you're going to do it. But before I tell you how you can try,you're going to have to accept a very nasty little clause that I want you to sign before wego on. (Since you're a lawyer, I'm sure you'll understand my need to limit my liability.)Here it is...

I, the aforementioned single guy, do acknowledge that I may have to LOSE thiswoman as my friend to get her as my girlfriend and bed-bunny.

Sign here: _______________________________________

Fax that to over my attorney and we'll go on.

Okay, now why do you have to be willing to lose her? Because the two situationsare mutually incompatible. She can't think of you as just a friend AND seriously entertainthe thought of riding you like a horse named "Widowmaker." You have to push her overinto the emotional and sexually heightened terrain of LUST.

DATING Q&A



57

If you've read the e-book, you know what I've had to say about the topic offemale emotional interest and her attraction.

So you wanna bag the T-Rex, huh?

Here's what you gotta do:

First, KEEP DATING OTHER WOMEN! I'm serious, I don't know how manytimes I have to tell guys this before they get it through their heads. You can't have yourgame face on if you need to win this one woman too much.

Here's the rest of the step-by-step:

1) Stop doing "friend" things with her. This buddy-buddy sh-t makes me want topuke rose petals. Do things with her that raise her blood pressure. Rollercoaster rides.Haunted houses. Salsa dancing. If you can't thrill her, you'll never get her attracted.

2) Stop calling her and playing her woman-friend-in-a-man's-body. She thinks ofyou as her girlfriend. I'll bet she even talks to you like one of her women friends. Shemight even accidentally ask you for a tampon sometime soon. Drop her for a good weekor so. Go at least double the longest time you'd feel comfortable with. Suck it up and doit. Self-discipline.

3) When you talk to her after the break (hopefully you can do this before yourroad race) you want to make sure she's aware of all the women who are after you. Tellher ALL about your women. Fill her up to the brim with your exciting singles life. Nosexual details, just the quantity and enough mystery to make sure she's wondering,"WOW! What does he have? I gotta get me some of THAT." Joke with her about herwanting to be one of the few, the proud, your babes. But then take it away by makingsure she knows you don't think she could cut it. Give her a challenge.

4) I'm sure she's started telling you what her "perfect" guy is like. Start using thatknowledge to your benefit.

5) You've got to jack her adrenaline into the stratosphere. You've got to chargeup your talk with her by teasing and the old cocky/funny routine. You have to show her afun (not arrogant) side of you that is a man who is after the GOLD friggin medal. Shecan either join your adventure, or get left behind.

DATING Q&A



58

6) Think of her 5 most likely objections to dating you, and have a responseplanned out. If she says, "But we've got such a good friendship, I wouldn't want to ruinthat," YOU say: "That's exactly why we should be willing to take this further. A greatrelationship is built on a good friendship, right? And we'd ruin it if we didn't find out whatmight be." Use your cross-examining skills, counselor.

7) In the meantime, get out there and KEEP DATING OTHER WOMEN. Youcan't possibly have the balanced, confident perspective and attitude you need to bagthe T-Rex without a major jolt of "I'm-Not-Needy" injected directly into your brain stem.You see, the guys who have other women in their stable never get overly attached toone, and as a result the women sense this and flock. The tighter you hold on, the morelikely she's likely to slip through your fingers. Don't just go through the motions, either.Sample from the buffet.

And if you get all weepy on her and tell her your "true feelings" for her, you'redead. It'll be over. That moment of weakness will ruin any hope of a turnaround.

As a last ditch attempt, you need to sit her down and tell her that you are a MAN,and you know you'd rock her world, but you can no longer have her as a friend if itmeans that you two can't explore the possibility of the romance you'd have together.(And, God help you, don't have one bit of begging in your voice. Be convincingly FIRMand CONFIDENT.) Tell her you're willing to risk losing her to see what the future holds,but you've got goals and a destiny to pursue, and if she can't see that you'd be thegreatest thing since Reality TV in her life, then you've got to get on with your hunt. Thenget up, kiss her on the forehead and leave. She'll call you soon enough.

If you can't handle the game of doing a HARD 180 on her and using some prettyradical moves, don't bother at all. If you're more afraid of her opinion or of losing herfriendship, you can't carry this off convincingly. She'll smell that you're not an Alpha dogand run.

I don't like to dash hopes. I just wouldn't be doing the right thing by not preparingyou with some honest understanding.

You've got a tough road ahead of you, I won't kid. But if you're really up to it, I'veseen it done. It's not impossible. I'd just recommend that you set your sights onsomeone that you don't have to sink a billion watts of energy into -- and still might notget. Why not invest that energy in a woman who will likely respond?

Because if you try and fail, you could end up pretty heartbroken and bitter, whichwill further hurt your attitude and game. I suggest you clear your eyes of the romantic

DATING Q&A



59

illusion that she's the best and only one for you and focus on better prospects. You don'tthink there are better women out there because you're focusing on this woman as ifshe's the holy grail. Drop the idolizing and realize that she has faults, even if she's acatch. Stay grounded. You can't let your imagination run away when you have a seriousfourth-and-goal play to run.

And best of luck!

(PS: If you don't bag this one before the race, don't you dare share that roomwith her unless you're going to bust a serious move, Captain Fantastic. Just don't makethat the first hint of your interest. Lay the groundwork. Because if you actually go on atrip and sleep in the same quarters with this honey without moving in, it's really over.You'd have less chance of getting her as there is the chance of finding a full set of teethon the Denny's night shift.)

AUTHENTICITY

There's a certain trait in a man than women are turned on by, but they couldprobably never name if they were asked. It speaks to the core of your confidence withwomen.

And it is called (drum roll) ... Authenticity.

Why is this one core trait so important?

Because it communicates just about everything about you and your characterwithout your knowing it.

Authenticity is like the overall feel you get when you drive a BMW or other high-quality, high-class car. Everything about the auto just oozes quality and genuine value.The doors don't just clunk shut like most American cars. They latch with a kind ofmechanical perfection.

The seats don't just serve as a cushioned chair, they feel firm and cradle you.

The engine doesn't just run - it PURRS with fierce, unspoken power. Step on theaccelerator and you'll MOVE..

The metals feel more solid. The workmanship feels so much better.

DATING Q&A



60

And the thing of it is, you can't pinpoint it to any one single item or piece thatleaps out as the "quality" element. It all just comes through in the overall nature of themachine. As if it were made from the ground up with this intent.

The same thing is true of a MAN when he takes on the traits and behaviors of anAUTHENTIC man.

He becomes more than the sum of his parts when he can give off the air andaura of a convincing man of confidence.

You cannot imitate authenticity. It's tough to fool someone into thinking you'reauthentic when you're not, and it's IMPOSSIBLE to fool them for very long. You justcan't fake it. Like the smell of real leather, or the radiance and warmth of real sunlight;there are qualities about it that are nearly impossible to fake, and even if you could, itwould cost you far less in time and effort to get the real deal than it would to go throughthe effort of pretending.

Confidence is one of those qualities that has a feel to it, and women can tell thedifference between the fake stuff (also known as Bravado) and the genuine. Your self-confident behavior comes from a source within you that is hard to imitate for too long.But the beauty of your confidence is that it can be CREATED by you just by actions.You can actually generate the reality of self-confidence by assuming the behaviors andtraits and then repeating them until they become part of your personality.

Isn't that incredible? There's nothing like that in the world! That's like saying thatif you were to live in your house as if it were a castle (i.e., put on a suit of armor, stock itwith hay and food supplies) it would BECOME a castle after a while. With a moat andturrets and all that.

Absurd, right? But this kind of change is real when it comes to your self-confidence.

You create it from nothing.

Every day that you get up from bed in the morning and start your day, you makea choice how you're going to handle it. You're either going to go out there as asupplicating wimp, a middle of the road "nice guy," or a self-confident MASTER OF HISWORLD.

Every man gets out of bed equal to every other man. What separates him fromthe rest is WHAT HE THINKS.

It's your choice, every single day. No man in this world was given a special set ofbrain cells and affirmations that created his self-confidence. What happened was thatthrough a healthy self-esteem or a brazen arrogance he took on the habits of a man thatis self-confident. (I recommend you work on the former rather than becoming a dick by

DATING Q&A



61

way of the latter.) Every time he made a choice in that direction, his self-confidencerewarded him by INCREASING. His authenticity jumped up a notch with each dosebecause other people will reward your self-confidence by giving you theirs when youdisplay that kind of powerful belief.

You have this same choice every day.

You can choose to hold back your confidence and charisma from the womenaround you. When you pass them on the street, you can turn your eyes away (the curseof the shy guy) and tell them immediately that you're not an Alpha dog.

You can choose to not go out and meet new people by avoiding those socialsituations where you'll have to act differently and take action on your desires. You canchoose to stay home and wring your wanker instead of practice the skills that will benefityou a lifetime.

And each choice you make will either up your authenticity, or make it harder tosustain when you find yourself having to put it on as a show for women.

They'll smell this, and they won't reward you.

In fact, they'll leave faster than a crowd at a stampeding South American soccergame.

Remember: You'll NEVER change woman-kind. But you can change yourself tobe successful.

Some guys will stomp their feet and declare, "Never! Then they will have won! Iwill be true to myself!"

Is being true to yourself getting up each day with the same tired and fearfulattitude toward women?

Is it being true to yourself to deny yourself the companionship and sex youdesire?

You're confusing principles with egotistical stubbornness. The only man who istruly worthwhile is the one who knows which of his useless traits are worth disposing ofso that he can quicken himself to a better man. Don't sacrifice your essence, but don'thold on to your lies.

Don't make the mistake that has submerged so many men in a quicksand of theirown self-delusion. You don't have to compromise your integrity to seduce women.

Authenticity is the real reflection of the true man. And when you're trying tocompromise by using old, self-defeating patterns with women, you only serve tosabotage yourself.

DATING Q&A



62

Work to refine that authentic confidence in yourself. Work on your authenticcharm. Work on your authentic sense of humor.

When you can embody these traits so that they become second nature, you'llattract many times more women than when you just sit behind a mask of confidence.Start to make it part of your core personality.

Yes, it may sound like I'm being contradictory here. On one hand I'm saying thatyou have to be authentic, but on the other I'm telling you the only way to be authentic isto start by faking it. This is the dilemma. But it's not as contradictory as you might think.

If you understand that being self-confident is more than just a trait you pull out ofthe bag on occasion, and that you must keep it up constantly, you'll invest enough ofyour belief in it that you will make it authentic. You'll flip a switch in your beliefs that willCOMPLETELY change your game with women. Until you reach that investment level,you'll just be faking it.

When you want to seduce women, you have to find a part of yourself to showthem that's authentic, or you won't get anywhere. And you can't afford to beauthentically weak and scared.

BE authentic. Let her smell it coming off you in waves. Then watch the dramaticchange that happens in your abilities and skills.

Switch your thinking over from just ACTING to BEING.

What we're talking about here is a new way of thinking.

DON'T IGNORE REALITY - IT HAS TEETH

You guys have heard me tell you many times that the most damaging thing youcan do to yourself is to deny the Reality you encounter.

What do I mean by this?

Well, it's a commonly heard concept in Eastern Philosophies that all of life'ssuffering is attributable to the desire for things to be other than the way they really are.

The gap between you and your happiness is always the distance betweenReality and your wish to make it different than it actually is.

DATING Q&A



63

I don't always think this is suffering, though, since we need a certain amount ofstructured discontent in our lives to strive for more. It's been said that the humanexistence is nothing more than the search for more, better, or different.

In the world of women, dating, and seduction, your Reality is defined by theresults you get.

I always hear guys talk about what happens on their interactions with women,and it's often brutally clear that they're not being honest with themselves. (And let's beclear that I believe ALL fears men have about women boil down to one thing -- fear ofrejection.)

One guy said, "I gave her my phone number, and she said she'd call me thisweek."

There are many realities ignored in this one:

1) Why didn't you get HER phone number? Why aren't you the one in theposition of power over the situation by having taken the lead?

2) Why did you give her your phone number? Because you were crappy-happywith the consolation prize women throw out if they haven't been challenged into givingyou their phone number?

3) She said she'd call you, huh? When was the last time you gave your numberto a woman and she actually called you? (And not out of guilt.)

There's a term I'd like to introduce you to, and it's a pretty important one if youadd it to your empowerment vocabulary. (Geez, I feel like I'm channeling Tony Robbinshere...)

The term is: LACUNA.

A lacuna is a mental blind spot. It's a defensive mental gap in your awareness.Lacunas divert your attention from subjective areas of reality.

I'm sure you've experienced this to various degrees in other areas of your life.Have you ever tried to remember something particularly traumatic from your childhood,such as the death of a pet, or a bad fall off your bike. True that the event itself may be in

DATING Q&A



64

your memory, but not much about the details usually pop up on their own unless youforce yourself to think back and recall them.

This is one of the mental defense mechanisms that you (unconsciously) use toprotect yourself.

This is the way your mind helps you deal with threats. It's a necessary part ofyour inner workings.

Where you run into problems is when you start choosing to overlook theseperceived threats when it doesn't serve you.

I'm proposing that you are probably creating these lacunas - blind spots in yourawareness - mostly from habit.

After all, it's a lot easier to ignore rejection and mistakes in your interactions withwomen than it is to face them and correct them. We men do this all the time. Sometimesit's out of pride - and that's the most lethal of all rationalizations to use.

"No, sorry, I don't think I want to come back to your place," she says as shewalks away.

He thinks: "Huh. What's up with her? Must be a lesbian."

Don't let your knee-jerk reaction be the illusion that has been pulled over youreyes to blind you from the truth. (Did you like that? I stole it from The Matrix... Cool,huh?)

She's not a lesbian, dude. You just want to shift the responsibility away fromyourself because her lack of interest is something you perceive as a threat to you. It'seasier to block the fear of her perceived rejection this way.

What you have to be willing to ask is: What didn't you do up front to get herinterested enough to go with you?

Another question inevitably comes up: If you block these things out -- how do youknow what you don't see?

The answer to that lies in your willingness to look at what you experience whenyou don't succeed where you expect with women. If you get turned down when you askfor the phone number (which should be next to never if you have the e-book) what doyou feel?

Yes, I know. I'm asking you to venture into that dangerous territory of FEELINGShere for a minute, but I think it's a worthy exploration. I won't ask you to spend the dayhere, just long enough to get some perspective. (If you spend too long in this place, youstart turning into a wimpy she-male in a New York minute.)

DATING Q&A



65

What do you feel when you're rejected or turned down?

- Do you feel insecure?

- Do you feel threatened?

- Do you feel pissed off?

- Frustrated?

- Sad?

And then you should ask yourself the BIG question, the one that so few guysever ask.

WHY?

Why do you feel that way?

Most men will never have the guts to face this in themselves, choosing to blameit on women instead. They will go through their whole lives complaining that women arejust "too weird" or "too confusing," when they are ignoring the Reality that's right in frontof them. They will go to their graves having given up on women. You don't have to BE awoman to understand one.

There's a core reason you feel whatever this negative emotion is, and it's usuallytraceable back to your core believe about what a woman's opinion says about you.

If you can find this belief, almost ten times out of ten you'll start to realize that it'sa load of crap. It always looks silly in the light of day, and that's why these trickybuggers hide in your LACUNAS.

In most men, this fear is usually: "A woman's opinion about me is real. I'm afraidthat when she doesn't want me, it's a reflection on my value as a man."

And when you ask yourself "Why do I think that?" you usually end up findingthose core beliefs you have about women.

Your new interpretation:

There is no woman on the planet who can judge me to be less than the manI am.

Or, another way:

There is no woman who can change my value as a man.

Stay busy being the person you want to be, not avoiding being the person youdon't want to be.

DATING Q&A



66

I'll tell you this: If you can build this belief so solidly that you never even flinchwhen you say it to yourself in the mirror, you're well on the path to being a bad-ass withwomen. Because this core belief MUST be in there somewhere or she's going to beable to sniff you out faster than a dog can find an ass convention.

Don't avoid the truth, and don't be too afraid to shine a light on those lacunas.

Reality has teeth.

And if you ignore it too long, it will bite.

Keep her off balance

One tactic that I think is important early in the meeting process with a woman isto ensure that you do not instill in her a sense of false security and stability.

Women are used to having the upper hand in all things having to do withrelationships. I don't believe they do this maliciously, but it is a power and control issuewith all dating situations.

I'm going to propose something very controversial, but I believe works out thebest for everyone in the end:

Keep her off balance.

What I mean by this is that you do not want any woman feeling too secure orcocky about how you feel about her or the hold she's got on you.

This goes back to a key principle of human behavior: The things you are mostattracted to are the ones that you are not certain about. Uncertainty breeds anincredible gratitude for the times when you're rewarded.

Training for the more intelligent animals (dolphins) is done by what is known asintermittent reinforcement. This means that once a behavior is trained, you will get moreconsistency by only rewarding an animal at irregular intervals - not every time. This hasbeen proven time and time again in tests, and it's just as true for men and women.

You've probably experienced this in your own life. Have you ever had a womanwho was inconsistent - or hot-and-cold - with her sexual interest? You never knew if you

DATING Q&A



67

were going to get some. When you did, you felt the reward, but the other times whenyou didn't you were being trained because you were more likely to work for thePOSSIBILITY of sex the next time. Perhaps work even harder.

If she wants a kiss, give her one, but not when she asks for it. Then, when sheleans in for a kiss, you hold her off - nicely. "Whoah, there. Are you trying to takeadvantage of me?"

Another way to keep her on her toes is to always be ready to say somethingcontroversial. Then, a few seconds later, appear to say something to contradict it. (Besure to never change your opinion to match a woman's. A far better tactic is to take anarea where she agrees with you and change your mind on her.)

If you are talking to her, and she goes to the bathroom, disappear on her beforeshe comes back, then walk over to her a few seconds later.

Inconsistency is the key to driving her desire up. Consistency only sendsmessages to her subconscious that you are a man she could RELY on, but that doesn'tmake her LUST after you.

You can use an analogy of rides at an amusement park:

Consistency is the Ferris wheel. Ho hum. Boring. You go up, and around, andback down ... and up... Nothing fast. Nothing unknown. Just a tall view and look aroundthe area.

Nice, but NO thrills.

Inconsistency - Surprise, danger, thrills - are found on the ROLLERCOASTER.Get her in the front car and start her heart racing with the unknown.

You have to get her on the right ride if you want to get where you want togo.Keep her off balance, so she doesn't know what's coming.

With that in mind, I received the following question:

Question:Wouldn't that attitude of keeping her off balance ruin a marriage and put a lot of

distrust in it? After all it would be hindering her feelings of security.

-------------------

Well, first off, this is "Dating Dynamics," not "Marriage Dynamics." I've saidcountless times that you must use different strategies in the early days of dating thanyou do later on.

DATING Q&A



68

And, let's keep in mind that I'm not talking about constantly undermining trust. I'mnot talking about acting sneaky or deceitful.

I'm talking about introducing an element of UNPREDICTABILITY.

Life is very predictable, almost boring in its regularity and consistency. Womendon't thrive on the ordinary and usual - they enjoy the dramatic and thrilling. (Think:Soap operas, "The Bachelor," any 'reality' TV show, etc.)

Everybody does. Why do you think we get so excited to rubberneck at anaccident? Or how we all gravitate to talk about the lurid crimes of passion in the news?We need this drama to inject some excitement in what is a VERY predictable existence.

We're born. We go to school. We work. We pay taxes. We die. Day to day, youpretty much know what's going to happen. We all wait for the possibility of theUNKNOWN. While there's always the possibility that anything COULD happen, it rarelydoes.

Let's talk about security for a minute.

What is "security"?

Do human beings really thrive and grow in "security"? No. We want security aspart of a relationship so that we can:

1) Feel protected

2) Feel able to open up and share more intimacy

These "security" requirements are only necessary in a long-term or exclusiverelationship. And you can't possibly get to that stage without a certain amount ofexcitement and energy that only UN-predictability gives you. You can't get to this pointwithout igniting the fuse of her PASSION.

PASSION and PREDICTABILITY are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

If you try to make a woman feel too secure too fast, you ruin everything that shewants to feel when it comes to the excitement and unpredictability.

When you give a woman too much "security" early on, what you're telling her at asubconscious level is that there is nothing interesting or unpredictable about you. Awoman needs to feel inspired to start feeling attraction for you.

It's like the starter motor on a car. When you turn the key, this little motor spinsyour engine quickly in a short period of time so that it can get to the point of firing up thecylinders on its own and start cranking under the power of burning fuel and oxygen.

DATING Q&A



69

Without that initial burst of energy, the engine would never get going. The same thingapplies to women.

One of the biggest illusions about women and dating (and sex) is that womenneed to feel secure with a man before she will date him or sleep with him.

NOT TRUE.

How many times have you seen women sleeping with the guys who were bad-boys?

How many women have you known who have had one-night-stands? (More thanyou think, and more than admit it.)

How many times have you seen a woman take in a deadbeat slacker without ajob, who sleeps on her couch while she goes off to work? (It's not an epidemic, but itdoes happen quite a bit.)

How many times have you heard a woman complain: "I just don't know why Ilove him ... he's so unstable and wild ... He's unpredictable. He's not the kind of guy Iwould marry..."

But he's the kind of guy she would sleep with. Funny, huh?

"Sexy" and "Security" are almost never spoken in the same sentence. Theyevoke totally different feelings in a woman. You'll never hear her say: "Wow! He's sostable and reliable! I feel so secure and he totally TURNS me ON!"

NOT!

When she's ready to settle down, she'll do that with a man who is predictable and... well, a little boring in certain ways. When she's ready to start a family, she wants thatlong-term security. That boredom is a signal to her primitive mind that this guy will be aprovider and stick around. It's in her genetic imprint.

It's my firm belief that you can start a relationship off with a woman in one of twoways. Think of this as a fork in the road you come to when you meet a woman. There'sa sign and an arrow pointing down each path, and here's what each sign says:

Path to the Right - "Start off by getting her excited and thrilled. You turn her onwith humor and teasing. She gets frustrated at times, but always stimulated. You'redifferent than the other 50 guys who came on to her with no personality or challenge.Her attraction drive is engaged and she falls for you. You get to have sex, love,marriage -- whatever you want."

Path to the Left - "Start off by being a 'nice guy.' She sees you as another manwho can't excite her by being a vibrant personality - sexually charged - and instead she

DATING Q&A



70

begins to see you as a 'friend.' All because you couldn't get her excited enough toengage her attraction for you. You wind up wanting her romantically, and she ends uptelling you she wants to 'just be friends.' You get neither sex nor the relationship."

Think about it again, guys. What do you want? The way it SHOULD BE, or theway it ACTUALLY IS?

Yeah, we all SHOULD BE getting laid all the time, by any woman we treat nicelyand give flowers to, but it rarely happens that way. We SHOULD BE able to make awoman feel "secure" and she'll just jump us in a heartbeat.

BUT ... it doesn't really work that way. So, while you weep and lament about thatfor a while, I think we should recognize that it's okay to not give a woman all the securityshe wants up front when it ALWAYS works out better in the long run to give her whatshe really NEEDS and responds to.

We're humans, with intelligent control of our emotions, but so few of us actuallyare ever able to get that control. Don't fall under the illusion that we respond emotionallyto logic and reason. We don't respond to things because we SHOULD.

I may not have gone into much more detail on the strategy of keeping her a littleoff balance, but I think it was important to explain the reasons why, and so that we canstart to get rid of that monkey on our backs, the one that tells us that if we don't cater toa woman's every whim and need (i.e., "security," "romance.")

In the early stages with a woman, SECURITY = BORING.

Security comes later.

Passion FIRST.

DATING Q&A



71

Thanks for being a part of the Dating Dynamics world! I know you’ve gotten anincredible amount of information from these e-books, and we’ve got more products andmaterials coming in the months ahead. Please be sure to tell your other friends aboutthe site and these programs. It’s time we men took control of our dating lives!

When you’re ready, visit:

http://www.seductionmethod.com

for more information on The Seduction Method program.

(And be sure to visit the site to sign up for the newsletter and get another free e-book.)

DATING Q&A



72

The Dating Black Book

and

Ezine 1: Supreme Self-Confidence

DATING Q&A



73

Copyright © 2003 - DD Publications. All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form, by Photostat, microfilm, xerography,

or any other means, which are now known, or to be invented, or incorporated into any

information retrieval system, electronic or mechanical, without the written permission of the

copyright owner.

Sausalito, CA – USA

[email protected]

This e-book publication is being distributed with the expressed and implied understanding that

the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional

advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent

professional should be sought. While the author has made every effort to be factual, your results

may vary. The author and publisher are not responsible for misuse of this information for

criminal or other unlawful behaviors.

Don’t be the man sitting in front of the fireplace who says, “First you give me heat, and then I’llgive you wood.” It doesn’t work that way. Pay the price of success, and it will be yours.

carlos xuma dating q&a

Education

billy bob thornton

stinky dirty slut

dating black book

make women swoon

alpha dog

ve missed

rights reserved

unauthorized duplication