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September 2007 September 2007 Courageous Conversations Courageous Conversations David Richardson, Ph.D David Richardson, Ph.D. 1 Courageous Courageous Conversations Conversations aka Difficult Conversations aka Difficult Conversations David Richardson, Ph.D. David Richardson, Ph.D. Ombudsman - Mediator Ombudsman - Mediator

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Page 1: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 11

CourageousCourageous ConversationsConversations

aka Difficult Conversationsaka Difficult Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.D.David Richardson, Ph.D.

Ombudsman - MediatorOmbudsman - Mediator

Page 2: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 22

CourageousCourageous ConversationsConversations

Most people are more comfortable Most people are more comfortable with old problems than new solutionswith old problems than new solutions

Page 3: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 33

CourageousCourageous ConversationsConversations

are conscious exchanges that are are conscious exchanges that are real, meaningful and energizingreal, meaningful and energizing

A face to face accountability sessionA face to face accountability session

Page 4: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 44

CourageousCourageous ConversationsConversations

can take you to the heart of what's can take you to the heart of what's most importantmost important

can lighten your heart and your lifecan lighten your heart and your life you can know more of your dreams you can know more of your dreams

with each conscious conversation with each conscious conversation you choose to haveyou choose to have

Page 5: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 55

What is a 'Courageous What is a 'Courageous Conversation' (CC)?Conversation' (CC)?

– It’s the one you don't want to have. In It’s the one you don't want to have. In fact, the best CC for you is probably the fact, the best CC for you is probably the one you one you haven't even thought of havinghaven't even thought of having

– Take a minute now - what's the hardest Take a minute now - what's the hardest conversation you can imagine having? conversation you can imagine having? And with whom? What is it you're holding And with whom? What is it you're holding back? back?

– It's also a conversation that can It's also a conversation that can transform your relationships, and set you transform your relationships, and set you freefree

Page 6: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 66

OK - But Give Me Examples...OK - But Give Me Examples...

– "I've hated you for leaving me" "I've hated you for leaving me" – "I'm angry at how you treat your children" "I'm angry at how you treat your children" – "I stole $2,000 from you 20 years ago" "I stole $2,000 from you 20 years ago" – "I'm in the country illegally, and would "I'm in the country illegally, and would

like to apply for legal residency" like to apply for legal residency" – "We've never said 'I love you' in our "We've never said 'I love you' in our

family, and I love you" family, and I love you" – "Will you marry me?" "Will you marry me?" – "I'm not enjoying our sex life" "I'm not enjoying our sex life" – "I had an affair five years ago" "I had an affair five years ago"

Page 7: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 77

OK - But Give Me Examples...OK - But Give Me Examples...

– "I really gave you a hard time at school/that old "I really gave you a hard time at school/that old job - and I'm sorry" job - and I'm sorry"

– "I should have told you I have an STD before we "I should have told you I have an STD before we had sex" had sex"

– "I'm in love with you, and am scared of "I'm in love with you, and am scared of threatening your marriage, but more afraid of threatening your marriage, but more afraid of hearing you don't love me" hearing you don't love me"

– "I'd like to feel acknowledged for all the hard work "I'd like to feel acknowledged for all the hard work I do" I do"

– "I know I abused you sexually, and I apologize "I know I abused you sexually, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart" from the bottom of my heart"

– "I love you so much it scares me. And...I think "I love you so much it scares me. And...I think your ears are really big and can't stop thinking your ears are really big and can't stop thinking about them" about them"

Page 8: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 88

How Do I Know I Need One?How Do I Know I Need One?

– Do you find yourself avoiding the Do you find yourself avoiding the important things you want to say to important things you want to say to family and/or coworkers?family and/or coworkers?

– Are all your relationships great? Are all your relationships great? partnerpartner familyfamily boss and staffboss and staff patients, family memberspatients, family members

– If they are anything less than wonderful, If they are anything less than wonderful, chances are you have something chances are you have something 'withheld' - that once expressed could set 'withheld' - that once expressed could set you both freeyou both free

Page 9: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 99

Why Should I?Why Should I?

– And the best clue of all: And the best clue of all: You probably don't want to have the You probably don't want to have the

conversation, conversation, a sure sign that your a sure sign that your system is avoiding somethingsystem is avoiding something

– you're afraid you're afraid of the outcome; of the outcome; that you'll lose something or that you'll lose something or feel VERY uncomfortablefeel VERY uncomfortable

– it's been more than a year, maybe even TEN it's been more than a year, maybe even TEN YEARS, and it still comes up in your mind YEARS, and it still comes up in your mind every now and then, or now while you're every now and then, or now while you're reading thisreading this

Page 10: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1010

Why Should I?Why Should I?

– Shouldn't it be buried? Isn't the past just Shouldn't it be buried? Isn't the past just the past?the past?

– if it doesn't come to your mind when you if it doesn't come to your mind when you sit down to think about it - then it may be sit down to think about it - then it may be unimportant. unimportant.

– "I'll just move on", or "I'll just move on", or – "It's enough that I know about it", or "It's enough that I know about it", or – "It might upset them". "It might upset them". having the conversation in your head isn't having the conversation in your head isn't

having it. It's in the speaking it to them having it. It's in the speaking it to them that transformation occurs for both of that transformation occurs for both of you.you.

Page 11: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1111

What stops usWhat stops us

Afraid of the realityAfraid of the reality Need to pay attention to true feelingsNeed to pay attention to true feelings Prior attempts were unsuccessfulPrior attempts were unsuccessful Could escalate the problemCould escalate the problem Fear of rejection, feeling vulnerableFear of rejection, feeling vulnerable Loss of the relationshipLoss of the relationship

Page 12: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1212

What stops usWhat stops us

Fear of retaliationFear of retaliation The cure could be worse than the The cure could be worse than the

diseasedisease Possible hurt feelingsPossible hurt feelings I might discover I am part of the I might discover I am part of the

problemproblem

Page 13: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1313

But if you feel…But if you feel…

any stored guilt, any stored guilt, any anger, any anger, any sadness, any sadness, any love any love anything that is unexpressed - then anything that is unexpressed - then

maybe maybe better out than inbetter out than in..

Page 14: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1414

Behavior SignsBehavior Signs

Acting outActing out Badmouthing othersBadmouthing others GossipingGossiping Feeling depressedFeeling depressed Helplessness Helplessness SilenceSilence Making serious errorsMaking serious errors

Page 15: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1515

When others avoided CCWhen others avoided CC

Multiple medical errors in health careMultiple medical errors in health care

Challenger disasterChallenger disaster

Air crash in Potomac riverAir crash in Potomac river

Page 16: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1616

The Effect On Others...The Effect On Others...

It's also amazing the effect it can It's also amazing the effect it can have on the other person.have on the other person.

Your courage can Your courage can ripple out and ripple out and change the worldchange the world. .

Page 17: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1717

The RisksThe Risks

No guarantee you or they will like the No guarantee you or they will like the results. results. – the outcome may be even worse than the outcome may be even worse than

you feared. you feared. – CC can lead to CC can lead to – You should do the math. You should do the math.

Page 18: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1818

An easy OutAn easy Out

It’s not my faultIt’s not my fault I couldn’t help itI couldn’t help it It’s no big dealIt’s no big deal I had no choiceI had no choice No one could work with …No one could work with … She’s an idiotShe’s an idiot He is impossibleHe is impossible

Page 19: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 1919

What If I don’t What If I don’t

– The problem could escalateThe problem could escalate– I might be rejectedI might be rejected– I could lose the relationshipI could lose the relationship– RetaliationRetaliation– I might hurt his feelingsI might hurt his feelings– I might not be prepared for the outcomeI might not be prepared for the outcome

Where have I seen these before?Where have I seen these before?

Page 20: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2020

Start with CPR to begin a CCStart with CPR to begin a CC

ContentContent

Pattern of behaviorPattern of behavior

RelationshipRelationship

Page 21: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2121

Personal PreparationPersonal Preparation

4 Rights4 Rights– Right problemRight problem– Right wordsRight words– Right deliveryRight delivery– Right frame of mindRight frame of mind

Page 22: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2222

Personal PreparationPersonal Preparation

See the person and the problem as See the person and the problem as separateseparate

Respect and acknowledge something Respect and acknowledge something in the personin the person

Off your guardOff your guard Speak but…Speak but…

Page 23: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2323

Provide an emotional safe havenProvide an emotional safe haven

In the absence of safety people can’t In the absence of safety people can’t discuss anything meaningfuldiscuss anything meaningful– Valued and respectedValued and respected– Verbals and non-verbalsVerbals and non-verbals– Interests and plansInterests and plans– Fear of negative consequencesFear of negative consequences

Page 24: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2424

InquiryInquiry versus versus AdvocacyAdvocacy

Share your thinkingShare your thinking Test your assumptionsTest your assumptions

– Invite the other to do alsoInvite the other to do also Inquire into their viewsInquire into their views Test their assumptionsTest their assumptions Share your dataShare your data

Page 25: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2525

Courageous DialogueCourageous Dialogue

Name the issueName the issue Select an exampleSelect an example Describe the feelingDescribe the feeling Declare the stakesDeclare the stakes On your ownOn your own Indicate your intentIndicate your intent Invite a responseInvite a response

Page 26: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2626

Courageous DialogueCourageous Dialogue

Invite a responseInvite a response Reflective listeningReflective listening Follow throughFollow through

Page 27: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2727

Follow throughFollow through

When all is said and doneWhen all is said and done When I move you moveWhen I move you move Hold meHold me Sorry is not a 4 letter wordSorry is not a 4 letter word

Page 28: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2828

When an apology is rightWhen an apology is right

Do I understand what hurt or Do I understand what hurt or offendedoffended

Can I own my partCan I own my part Will I changeWill I change And this time I mean itAnd this time I mean it Is it me or do you feel betterIs it me or do you feel better ……no see what happened wasno see what happened was

Page 29: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 2929

Common mistakesCommon mistakes

So, how’s it goingSo, how’s it going The sandwich cookieThe sandwich cookie Too many pillowsToo many pillows Writing the scriptWriting the script Guerilla warfareGuerilla warfare

Page 30: Cartoon Courageous Conversations

September 2007September 2007 Courageous ConversationsCourageous Conversations

David Richardson, Ph.DDavid Richardson, Ph.D.. 3030

Common mistakesCommon mistakes

Doing most of the talkingDoing most of the talking You’re not CalgonYou’re not Calgon Not inquiring about feelingsNot inquiring about feelings Unclear messageUnclear message Bypassing feedbackBypassing feedback No big butsNo big buts