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Husband and WifeThe Joys, Sorrows and Glories of Married LifeBy Father Paul A. Wickens

With three things my spirit is pleased, which are approved before God and men:The concord of brethren, and the love of neighbors, and man and wife that agreewell together.Ecclesiasticus 25:1-2

And God created man to his own image: to the image of God he created him: maleand female he created them. And God blessed them, saying: Increase and multiply,and fill the earth, and subdue it.Genesis 1:27-28

Have you not read, that he who made man from the beginning, made them male andfemale? And he said: For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, andshall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh.Matthew 19:4-5

THE NUPTIAL BLESSINGMay the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you, andmay He fulfill His blessing in you: that you may see your childrens childreneven to the third and fourth generation, and thereafter may you have lifeeverlasting, by the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ, who with the Father and theHoly Ghost liveth and reigneth, God forever and ever. Amen. From the NuptialMass of the Traditional Roman Liturgy

PUBLISHERS PREFACEThe title, or even the subtitle, of this book might well be The Catholic View ofMarriage because, in a capsule form, that is what the book is about. Yes, TheCatholic View of Marriage, for certainly the Catholic Church has a number offundamental and far-reaching teachings on the nature and purpose of marriage,the role of husband and wife within a Catholic marriage and the place of thechildrensuch that Catholic marriage, properly practiced, differs in a number ofways from the practices current in non-sacramental marriages and even from thoseof marriages between baptized non-Catholic Christians. The duties andobligations of each spouse toward the other within a Catholic marriage, the

marital morality they must observe, the proper relationship of the woman to theman regarding headship within the marriage, the responsibility of that headshipon the man, the need for the woman to be primarily homemaker and mother, theunderstood indissolubility of marriageall these Catholic norms (and others)only help to promote true harmony and increased love between the spouses and asense of security for the children. In effect, these Catholic norms help producehappy marriages. Scores of Catholic books on marriage have been written in thelast 75 years, proving that Catholic marriage is indeed a fertile subject forCatholic writers. And of all such books that I know about, the most tellingtitle ever given any of them was Why Catholic Marriage Is Different. That wasprobably far from the best book on Catholic marriage, but it probably had thebest title by far, because in those five simple words it announces to the reader

that Catholic marriage is indeed different from non-Catholic marriage. And Fr.Paul Wickens excellent little book, Husband and Wife, will amply show thereader why. In brief, why? Because, in brief, Catholic marriage is illuminatedby the Divine Revelation of Jesus Christ, the God-Man, who came to givetestimony to the truth. (John 18:37). Man can discern with his unaided reasonthe principal lineaments of marriage, but Original Sin and his own personal sinshelp blind him to the exact truth about marriage and help weaken his will toaccept that truth, even when he sees it clearly. But with Divine Revelation


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shedding its light upon the institution of marriage, everyone that is of thetruth (John 18:37) and willing to accept Gods word will see marriage for whatit truly is and what it is truly supposed to be. Catholic marriage, in short, isbased upon true principles laid down by Almighty God. And if man will but followand adhere to these principles, then marriages will be happy, harmonious,fruitful in graces and in children, and will promote the eternal salvation ofthe spouses and their children and foster the well-being of the Church and ofsociety. In reading this book, therefore, one should rid his mind of all secularnotions of marriage and open it to the divine truth regarding this God-giveninstitution in which the majority of human beings are called to work out theirsalvation.

Thomas A. NelsonFebruary 27, 1999St. Gabriel of The Sorrowful Mother

Strangers in Many WaysAt wedding receptions one often hears a song originally recorded by TheCarpenters entitled For All We Know:

Love, look at the two of us,

Strangers in many ways.Lets take a lifetime to say,I knew you well . . .

Yes! Most couples at the time of their marriage are still actually strangers inmany ways. But they need not worry! By Gods grace, they will grow together inlove, understanding and holiness. The purpose of this small book is to helpmarried people understand each other better, to help them with some of thecommon problems most couples encounter in marriage. It is not intended to becomplete, by any means, but it is at least a good start to arriving at anunderstanding of each other and of the state of life they have entered into,what its purpose is and how God expects them to work out their eternal salvation

within its realm. The information and advice contained in this book are reallythe product of many priests, many counselors and many married couples. Over aperiod of thirty-five years, especially through the outlines given to us at (pre-VaticanII) Cana Conferences, we were able to accumulate copious notes on variousaspects of the state of marriage, and consequently we are able to pass along theaccumulated wisdom of many people on this complex but so very important subject.Our heartfelt thanks go out to those wonderful Catholic peoplesome of them nowdeceasedwho through their ideas and advice made this little book possible.

Fr. Paul A. Wickens

June 13, 1992Feast of St. Anthony of Padua

Chapter 1THE PRIEST AS MARRIAGE INSTRUCTOR

One may ask how a priest might be capable of giving marriage instructions. Afterall, he is not married. How does he know the joys, the sufferings and theproblems in marriage? To answer this objection, may we point out that a priest


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is capable because of four factors: 1) his training, 2) his experience, 3) hisobjectivity and 4) the grace of Holy Orders.

1. His Training: During his minimum of 8 years of college and seminary, he wasgiven a well-rounded education, including an in-depth study of marriage.

2. His Experience: During his lifetime, a priest comes into contact with acountless variety of marriages. He has known newlywed couples as well asgolden jubilarians. He sees the young and the old, the rich and the poor. Hesees the happy homes and the unhappy homes, the successful marriages and thefailed marriages. Thus, whereas the priest does not personally experience thejoys and problems of this sacred union, he does obtain a wide understandingabout it. One must realize that it is not necessary to experience intimatelyevery phase of life in order to understand people and their situations.Certainly surgeons do not need to have gone through the experience of, let ussay, a brain tumor operation in order to understand its ramifications. A clientwho hires a lawyer does not require that the lawyer have been convicted of acrime or have spent time in prison. Personal experience is not the only teacher,and in fact, it is not necessarily the best teacher. For example, criminalsoften do not learn from the experience of arrest, trial and incarceration. Manyfall back into the same crimes despite repeated punishment. The experience thatthe priest possesses is vicarious, but richly varied and is buttressed with aknowledge of human nature and a grasp of true religious teaching.

3. His Objectivity: The priest is neither husband nor wife and is able to lookat marriage from an objective point of view. He can step back, in effect,to get an overall view of the institution of marriage. One cannot always see theforest because of the trees. That is, when one is caught up in a situation, heor she often loses perspective. A famous monastic once said that in order forhim more clearly to understand religious life, he would from time to time walkto a hill about one half mile from the monastery. From that vantage point, hecould grasp the whole picture of monastery life and its purpose. Similarly, thepriest is able to step back and examine the nature of marriage in an objectiveand detached manner.

4. The grace of Holy Orders: On the day of ordination, a great Sacrament isconferred upon a man. He is given Holy Orders. Not only does this Sacramentelevate Him to the status of Alter ChristusAnother Christbut it guaranteeshim the graces to fulfill the various functions of his state of life.One very important function is to instruct and counsel couples before and duringmarriage. The priest is given many graces from God, as part of his verypriesthood, specifically to enable him to perform the duties of his exaltedstate of life.

Chapter 2MARRIAGE TODAY

It would not be far from the truth to state that the institution of marriage iscurrently undergoing a terrible crisis. At no other time in our nations historyhave the problems with marriage been so serious. In saying this, we may appearto be negative, but we have decided that the best way to write on the subject ofmarriage is to begin negatively. Eventually, we will come around to the positiveside. Our approach is similar to that of the man who intends to renovate theinterior of his house. At first, he must be negative. He must scrape off theold paint and wallpaper. Then he can begin the real work of renovation and


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improvement. Similarly, we will spend some time on the negative side of marriage,but only for the purpose of presenting a balanced, positive understanding of thegreat and glorious Sacrament of Matrimony.

WHY DO WE SAY THAT MARRIAGE IS IN A BAD WAY?

1. Easy BreakupStatisticians tell us that 50 percent of all marriages which take place in the U.S.A.end up in separation and/or divorce. It is an ever-worseningsituation. Some marriage experts even predict that as high as 85 percent of themarriages that are taking place now will eventually break up. Whatever figureswe accept, it is undeniable that there is an appalling amount of discord amongmarried couplesoften within our own families and among our friends and co-workers.At a school reunion, it is not unusual to discover that half of our oldclassmates are divorced. The trend seems to be more and more toward unsuccessfulmarriages, rather than successful ones. The basic reason for this phenomenon issimple: An absence of faith on the part of one or both spouses. In other words,an absence of belief in Gods teachings and in Gods laws. The glue that keepsmarriages intact is belief in God and the practice of His Holy Religion.

God is the author of marriage. He made the rules governing this sacredinstitution. Chief among these rules is the fact that marriage is indissoluble;thatis, it is unbreakable. It lasts until the death of one of the partners. But,there has been a rise of secular humanism, selfishness, loss of faith andlessening of prayer life. In movies, on television and in the secular media,there is generally a harmful message, one that is repeated oftenand often in asubtle, predigested manner: Divorce is commonplace; everyone is doing it; thereis nothing morally wrong with it. Do your own thing. You have to be fulfilled!God understands. (In other words, Seek your own happiness without adhering toDivine Law.) (1) Through the liberal media, most Americans have

Footnote 1. There is scarcely anything worse for a child than the divorce of hisparents. Divorce is an act of selfishness. Ones own happiness is selfishlypreferred to the childs welfare. All psychiatrists agree that children needprimary caretakers, i.e., parents who take care of them on a daily basis.

become conditioned to accept divorce and are weakened in their understandingthat marriage is a divine and indissoluble institution. When disagreementsinevitably arise early in their marriages, many couples quickly resort tothreats of walking out. In former dayswhen marriage was held in greaterrespectcouples had the same disputes and arguments, but the idea of separationand divorce was foreign to them. It was taken for grantedthrough religion,culture, and moresthat spouses were married until the death of one of them.

Disagreements and problems were usually worked out; or, at least in the casewhere one partner was incorrigible, the long-suffering spouse would endure theproblems through counsel and prayer. They would earn Heaven by accepting theircrosses on earth. In many cases the endurance period is rewarded by a changein or even a conversion of the incorrigible spouse, with a great increase ofmutual love and respect enjoyed in later years together. Such a change in herhusband occurred in the life of St. Rita of Cascia, but this type of change canhappen in all marriages, and is not just a phenomenon in the lives of the Saints.St. Paul confirms this fact when he says: The unbelieving husband is sanctified


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by the believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believinghusband. (1 Cor. 7:14).

2. Virtual DivorceThe couples that do not actually break up, but are very unhappy together, poseanother very serious problem. They are merely sticking it out becauseof the children, or because their parents would be upset. Whereas this problemis not so bad as an actual break-up, it is a sign that the marriage is introuble. What are the reasons for this sad state?a. Lack of EnthusiasmWe all know of homes in which the couple simply makes the best of it. If theyhad it to do all over again, they say, they would not have gotten married.They envy single people for their freedom and absence of responsibility. Peoplewho lack enthusiasm for their own marriages do not live for their marriages.Jobs, careers and recreation are more exciting. It is a standard joke in ourpresent society that if a young man announces to his co-workers that he hasbecome engaged, he is ridiculed for taking on a ball and chain. On the otherhand, when a young woman announces her engagement, her co-workers energeticallycongratulate her for landing a husband. But it is a different story for theyoung man. While there is a certain amount of levity connected with hisannouncement, the boys chide him for taking on a responsibility that he willsoon regret. (Who ever thought up the idea of those horrible stag parties thenight before the Sacrament?) This lack of enthusiasm toward marriage issymptomatic of the unhappiness and lack of fulfillment

that many experience in their own marriages.

b. Separate InterestsWhile husband and wife may reside under the same roof, separate interests maykeep them apart for long periods of time. Of course, there is the obvious andnecessary separation which occurs when the breadwinner husband goes off to workwhile his wife remains at home with the children. But in our keep-up-with-the-Jonesessociety, there is the all too common phenomenon where the husband works a full-timejob, while his wife also holds outside full-time employment. Sometimes theirwork-hours are on different shifts, so that they hardly see each other. (Once ahousewife takes employment outside the home, she usually becomes reluctant to

leave that employment. The charms of the secular workplace, with its attendantsalary, can sometimes make the home seem, by comparison, to be unglamorous androutine.) In addition to his job that takes him away from his home, the husbandmay participate in some recreationalactivities, such as bowling or membership in a club. Or, whereas the husband mayleave the house only infrequently, he may have an inordinate attachmentto television or some other activity at home. As a result, there is little timefor the couple to do things together or to communicate in depth. Years ago, whenour society was largely agricultural, husbands and wives worked together on thefarm, ate meals together and, even when out of each others sight, were neverfar away from each other. In our present society, because of separate interests,

sufficient time is not spent together. Love increases as knowledge increases.Love in marriage is a quality that does not remain static, i.e., motionless. Ifit does not grow, it diminishes. Love is a function ofthe will, and the will can only respond to those things presented by theintellect. The more a man and woman get to know each other, the greater is theirpotential to grow in love. It is similar to growth in the love of God, ourCreator. The more we know about God, the more we understand His attributessuchas His goodness, mercy, power, wisdom, justiceand the greater becomes our


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potential to love Him.

c. Lack of Sympathy and UnderstandingMost young people enter marriage with an incomplete understanding of theirspouse, later declaring that they thought the other to be different. Eachoriginally found in the other an ideal. Faults were never dwelled upon. Eachadmired the qualities he or she discovered in the other person, such as hownicely the intended treated the others parents. When he visited my home, hegave respectful attention to my Dad; they talked about topics from baseballto business, and he nodded politely when political questions arose.And she .. . she was so pretty and feminine! She was enthusiastic and bubbly and made fewdemands. Just to sit and talk with each other was considered to be a perfectevening. But an accurate knowledge of each others faults was missing, or atleast minimized in their minds, and often dismissed with comments like, Ofcourse, we know each others faults! What do you think we are: immature? But weare in love. Well work things out! Time Marches On: If we could fast-forwardin real time to perhaps five years later, we may find that this young man andyoung woman now have many complaints about each other. He leaves the kitchensink in a mess . . . and the bathroom, too!She cries or becomes moody whenshe cant win an argument. She also talks on the phone all day long to hermother and her girlfriends. What the heck do they talk about?Without make-upshe scares me!He is so fussy about what he eats. The other day I accidentallybroke the yolk on a fried egg, and he wouldnt eat it.In the morning shes so

grouchy . . . and she looks awful, too!When he gets home from work, he hardlytalks to me. And here I am all day with the children, looking forward to hisadult company. He is tired . . . or so he says. All he wants is a can of beerand his television. Sounds like a classic situation! After living together fora few years, there tends to be a lack of sympathy for the other spouse. Yes,before the wedding day, we had slight hints as to each others faults, but nowthey mean so much more. We live together day after day and find it is a headacheputting up with those faults and idiosyncrasies! One husband remarked to apriest friend of mine: Father, my wife and I never have an argument . . . aslong as she doesnt talk to me.

Household Repairs

A great wall of love was evident on the wedding day. It was pristine andwithout flaw. But sometimes a wall begins to show wear and tear, like cracks inthe plaster from a house settling. So, repair the cracks, by pouring inforgiveness, unselfishness and greater understanding, not by resorting toarguments, bitterness and inflexibility. Patch up that wall with virtuous acts,with humor and prayer . . . and with renewed effort to please God and yourbeloved spouse.

d. Weakening of Home Life1. Home has become a service station. In modern America, just as a car pullsinto a gas station, fills up on gasoline, has its oil checked and then drivesaway, so do family members come and go from their homes. The children come home,

hurriedly eat supper, do a few little chores and then move on. There is notenough time taken to develop human friendship, not enough togetherness. In Godsplan, the home is not merely a place to eat and shower and sleep, like the Y.M.C.A.It is a place to work together, to pray together, to laugh together, to learntogetherand indeed, to save your souls together.2. A bigger collection of appliances does not necessarily make a happy home. Thesecular world tends to equate a successful home with the number and quality ofmodern conveniences: Is it not true that at bridal showers and wedding


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receptions it is usual to see tables overflowing with gifts? During the courseof the afternoon, the guests will inspect the tables. Electric toasters,candelabra, linens and blanketsmany, many wonderful gifts. Can we not almosthear the guests exclaim: Look at all these beautiful gifts. Wont they be happy!There it is! People often equate happiness and marital success with theaccumulation of material things. A young wife faced with the daily chores ofkitchen work might complain: If only I had a dishwasher, I would be absolutely,positively happy! While the acquisition of a dishwasher, no doubt, would easesome of the burden of the beleaguered housewife, it will not make her happy!Many women who have (or had) completely modern kitchens are divorced. We cannotjudge a marital union by material possessions. The norm of success must alwaysbe the fulfillment of Gods will: the daily living out of the joys andsufferings of life in union with the teachings and example of Our Saviour.3. Artificial Entertainment Television, of course, is the first thing that comesto mind when we think of artificial entertainment, but there are other forms ofartificial recreation as well. During the engagement period, couples fully enjoyeach others company. They are eager to communicate with each otherto talk andtalk and talk about their dreams, ideas, fears, failures, hopes. All subjectspolitical,educational, cultural, current events, human naturemake up the conversationalspectrum. After only a few years into marriage, the tendency is to communicateless. Instead of exploring each others intellect and enjoying each others

company, there is a dependence upon entertainment outside of both. We can easilyimagine a married couple sitting in the living room watching a TV show. Neitherparty has any input or contribution; both are passive couch potatoes. In orderfor marital love to grow, interaction is required. A flowering plant must begiven attention in the form of water and sunlight. Some effort is required onthe part of the gardener to make the flower grow and bloom. In order for maritallove to increase and flourish, there is a need for the sunlight of conversation.

e. Prevalence of AdulteryMental Adultery: When marriage vows are made, man and woman, in effect, promise

to be one in mind, one in heart, and one in affection. Otherwise, they couldnot very well fulfill their marriage vows. No thing and no person should takeprecedence over their mutual love and affection. Mental unfaithfulness occurswhen someone else receives primary affection. It could happen if a wife extendsmore attention to her relatives, or if a husband extends more attention to hisfriends, or has too much attachment to a career or hobby. When a husband is alwaysoutnot necessarily in an immoral activityit means that his affections tend tofocus upon subjects other than his wife and family. Parenthetically, althoughhusbands and wives have vowed to be first in each others hearts, a wife maybecome subtly guilty of inattention to her husband after the children start tocome. She finds it necessary to spend most of her time and energy on thechildren. Wives and mothers may unconsciously and gradually drift away from

intimacy with their husbands because they are always busy, that is, occupied andattentive to their babies. A home should not be, per se, child-centered, butmore correctly, God-centered. And this includes the spouses also remainingattentive to each other and one anothers needs.

Physical Adultery: In the secular and atheistic element of human society,adultery has always been a common practice. This is mortally sinful and resultsin punishment by Almighty God, even in this world! In our watered-down Christiansociety, adultery is not so socially scandalous as it once was. The liberal


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media regularly portray infidelity as some kind of romantic adventureand oftenattempt to justify, and even encourage it. The sin of adultery iseuphemistically called having an affair. In the civil law, divorce has becomesimplified and easy to attain. The notoriety of public figures who flaunt theiradulterous behavior tends to break down respect for the institution of marriageand the virtue of purity. Scandal and bad example can be found everywhere, ofteneven in the best of families. A wedding ring placed on the hand of a brideshould send out a signal, loud and clear: She belongs exclusively to one man. Soalso the wedding band worn by the groom: He is no longer fair game. He belongsto one woman only. A respectable married man not only does not commit adultery,but also does not engage in looks, words and actions which may lead in thatdirection. On his deathbed, Saint Dominic assured his followers that he hadnever fallen into the sin of impurity. He confided that his success was due tothe fact that he never took part in any dangerous conversations. That is agood lesson for all of us: Resist the beginnings! Many spiritual directors passthat wise maxim on to their penitents. It is an extremely important principle inthe spiritual life. Every sinnerfrom Adam and Eve to every murderer, thief andadulterer since thenhas foolishly ignored this principle. Every teenager whohas rebelled against his parents and against God, somewhere along the line, hasrefused to resist the beginnings. A prudent married person does not bestow anytype of affection on or give more than passing attention to members of the

opposite sex which may ultimately lead to fatal consequences. Little by little,imprudent behavior can weaken ones resolve to observe faithfully the marriagevows made before God. Adultery remains always a mortal sin. It is a directviolation of the Sixth Commandment. Even if this sin becomes prevalent in theworld, its culpability is not thereby diminished. Anyone who dies havingcommitted this sinand dies unrepentantwill be subjected to eternal punishmentin Hell.

f. The Materialism of Modern Marriages1. Marriage is sometimes considered to be more of an economic venture than asacred union. Young people often think of marriage as an opportunity for them toflourish economically: To take expensive trips, to eat in the best restaurants

and to do many secular things they were not able to do before marrying. Butrealistically, marriage is going to provide many more opportunities forfinancial sacrifice than for the enjoyment of luxuries. This is especially truewhere the couple is willing to accept the children God sends them. The matureChristian viewpoint requires young couples to be reasonably prepared formarriage, financially and materially, but at the same time to trust in DivineProvidence. When God grants husband and wife the privilege of being parents,they can be sure that, somehow or other, they will manage. They may not live asluxuriously as some of their friends. They may not function on the economiclevel which they would prefer. Nevertheless, married couples should be willingto accept the dispositions of Divine Providence and gracefully accept theircurrent, temporary economic conditions as Gods Holy Will. We must remember thatthe model for the Christian family is the Holy Family. The Holy Family lived

quite modestly. They remained in a humble stable for a time and permanentlylived in a rather poor area of the world: Palestine and Nazareth. Mary andJoseph had, you might say, a most successful marriage, a most holy marriage, amarriage most pleasing to God. Materialism and financial status were thefurthest things from their minds.

2. People tend to adopt the dictum of living well, instead of living good.Goodmeans that your primary concern is to have your children grow up in the love andfear of God. Living well primarily means that you want your children to have


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all the material things that perhaps you never had. This parental ambition isvery often overdone. Of course it is normal and natural for parents to wanttheir children to have the necessary things, such as food and clothing andshelter. But to desire ones child to rise on the economic ladder or in thesocial register, so to speak, can be a very dangerous thingif that goal isgiven priority. Parents must definitely and clearly establish that their primaryobligation toward their children is to enable them to save their immortal souls.That should be their top priority. Everything else pales in comparison to that.If there is true love for ones children, then salvation should be the numberone objective. After all, love is eternal. We all earnestly desire not to beseparated from our loved ones. Since life on earth is transient and temporaryand since eternity goes on and on without end, we naturally wish to be unitedfor eternity with our beloved children. Our children, after all, are the onlything we can actually take with us from this life. Therefore, even for selfishreasons, one might say, we should labor unstintingly for the salvation of ourchildren. Why? So that we will all dwell together and irrevocably in the finaldomicile of Heaven.

g. ConclusionThe chief cause of marital breakup, or unhappiness in marriage, is selfishnesswhichis really a disguised form of childishness. Sometimes marriage problems are not

truly marriage problems. The fault often lies with the individual, who putshimself first . . . before God, before his spouse and before his children. Thisselfishness is most evident in the husband who wants to achieve his ownsatisfaction and his own happiness first, or in the woman who puts her ownhappiness, her own fulfillment, before that of her husband and her children.Only God can correctly teach us and demand the sublimation of ourselves and ofour individual lives in the interest of that deeper and wider life that we havein common in marriage. Only God can instruct us, and only Jesus Christ and HisBlessed Mother and St. Joseph can give us the example of how we should work thisout in our daily lives. Selfishness can be converted to unselfishness, if wefocus our attention upon God, our Creator, and upon the Holy Family and firmlyresolve to keep Gods laws and follow the example of the Holy Family. If married

couples work toward this beautiful unselfishness in which they think first notof themselves, but rather of God, their spouse and their children, they will notonly be sanctified, but will find the greatest degree of happiness that may beallotted to man in this valley of tears. It is the great irony of life thatunselfishness leads to a greater degree of happiness than selfishness. Thesecular world views things differently. The more we pursue our own gratification,says the world, the happier we will be. Just the reverse is true! The more weseek our own gratification at the expense of others, the unhappier we become and,paradoxically, the less complete and fulfilled as a human being. Good moralprinciples always win out in the end. Selfish human whims lead to a

psychological wrecking ground. Some people hop from one garden to another,trying to find the elusive bird of happiness, while as always, it can be foundin ones own backyard, in the presence of God and in following the virtuousbehavior displayed by each member of the Holy Family.

Appendix - PERIODIC ABSTINENCEDefinition: Periodic abstinence (or periodic continence) means to refrain fromthe marital act during the wifes fertile time each month. The Teaching of theRoman Catholic Church Periodic abstinence for the purpose of limiting thechances for conception is licit, i.e., morally allowed according to Catholic


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teaching, provided the following principles are followed:1. There is a serious reason for practicing it, for example, grave physical ormental health problems or some economic catastrophe.2. Both parties mutually agree to abstain from the marriage act during thedesignated times.3. There is no serious danger of incontinence for either partner.4. There is no lessening of faith or trust in Gods wisdom in sending children.5. The periodic abstinence is practiced only for the duration of time that theserious reason exists.6. To be completely certain, couples should also seek the advice and counsel ofa holy, well-formed priest (usually their confessor or spiritual adviser).

The truly Catholic norm for having children, for every couple in marriage, iscomplete surrender to the will of God to send whatever children He will. This isonly a reinforcement of the Natural Law, which God has built into all of Hiscreation and which the mind of man (Catholic and non-Catholic alike) candetermine, without the assistance of supernatural faith. The Catholic norm inmarriage is to trust completely to Gods Providence in the matter of bearingchildren: in other words, to accept all the children that God may send, withoutreservation or question. If God cares for the lilies of the field and the birdsof the air, then why should we lack trust in His Providence to care for whateverchildren He sends. (Cf. Matt. 6:28). After all, He created us the way we are and

the way He wants us to be regarding our reproductive nature and the number ofchildren a woman can bear, and therefore He will also provide for whateverchildren come along, so long as the couple obeys all Gods laws.

Morally PermittedAccording to Jones Moral Theology (Par. 760-e, page 542): For a proportionatereason, and with mutual consent of husband and wife, it is lawful intentionallyto practice periodic continence, i.e., restrict intercourse to those times whenconception is impossible. Again, whereas the Catholic norm regarding havingchildren is always total, unconditional trust in Providence to send whateverchildren God chooses, nonetheless, if a couple has serious health orpsychological problems, etc., and if they are not able to practice total

continence until the difficulty has passed, rather than resort to the sinfulpractice of artificial birth control, it is morally acceptable for the couple topractice continence during the fertile part of the wifes reproductive cycle.This is allowed in order to prevent the mortal sin of incontinence (pollutio inLatin), but it must be done according to the norms outlined on page 77. Good-willand prayer are required so that the couple will remain open to whatever childrenGod may send, despite their desire to avoid them during the time of difficulty.

Some Sacrifice Is RequiredIf all the moral conditions for periodic abstinence are present, then the couple

should:1. Determine the wifes fertile times with accuracy.2. Practice voluntary self-control and mortification during those times.3. Pray together that Gods Holy Will will be done and that their faith in theNatural Law and the Churchs teaching about the Natural Law will remain intact.

To Determine the Fertile TimesThere are books available that explain how to determine the womans fertile timeeach month. The fertile time is usually only about 48 hours per month, but


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abstinence should be maintained for 5 to 7 days to be safe. The two mainmethods of determining this time each month are the Billings Method, whichrelies on the mucous symptom, and the Sympto-Thermal Method, which relies on themucous symptom plus basal temperature. The Couple-to-Couple League promotes theSympto-Thermal Method. (See page 86).

Q. What is the Couple-to-Couple League?A. It is an organization committed to providing information about the mosteffective ways to practice periodic abstinence.

Q. Who runs this League?A. John and Sheila Kippleywho have written several books on the subjectrun theCouple-to-Couple League.

Q. Is the League Catholic?A. Similar to the Pro-Life Movement, it embraces all people of good will,although, de facto, the majority of its members practice the Roman CatholicFaith.

Q. Yet the Couple-to-Couple League is not sponsored, as such, by a Catholicorganization. Does the Catholic Church accept information from sources that arenot, per se, Catholic?A. From time immemorial the Catholic Church has accepted, as a gift of God,

legitimate science and medicine. The old-time Catholic colleges give testimonyto that. Catholic Academia studied and sanctified every area of natural humanknowledge, from Antarctic studies to Zoology.

Q. Are there abuses in the practice of periodic abstinence?A. When neo-Modernist clergy sponsor education in what has come to be called NaturalFamily Planning, chances are good that there will be lacking aproper and clear moral and doctrinal foundation to show what are the trueCatholic norms in regard to periodic abstinence.

Q. Can periodic abstinence be misunderstood?A. Certainly. A husband and wife may be too scrupulous and tend to consider the

use of periodic abstinence as displeasing to God. However, if the properconditions are fulfilled, couples are permitted, without pangs of conscience, toabstain periodically. (Again, couples should review the norms under whichperiodic abstinence is morally allowed and be sure they are fulfilling them all.Plus, one should refer to the list of Papal statements on page 85.).Granted there have been abuses of periodic abstinence, especially on the part ofthose who promote Natural Family Planning, who are, in some cases, it wouldseem, using this natural technique of periodic abstinence simply to limittheir families for insufficient reasons. Yet the moral principle remains: Abusum

non tollit usumThe abuse does not take away the use. In other words, thepractice of periodic abstinence is sound, under the conditions stipulated onpage 77; it does not become a morally illicit practice just because some couplesabuse it and sin by using it wrongly because they ignore some of theprerequisite conditions for its use.

Q. How else may periodic abstinence be misunderstood?A. By indiscriminate use: A couple may apply the serious reason condition tofit any and all reasons, including selfish ones. Having children, especially in


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todays pinched economic times, requires great confidence in God, that He willprovide, despite the fact that He often lets us struggle. Couples should see inthis His way of purifying us and weaning us from attachment to worldly things,rather than to Him. The term Natural Family Planning has been coined in recentyears to refer to the more accurate means now available to couples to determinethe womans fertile time each month in order to practice periodic abstinence, orwhat used to be called the Rhythm Method. However, a complete philosophy ofchildbearing which has emerged around this concept encourages couples to plantheir children. The term Natural Family Planning, as well as the abuse of thepractice of periodic abstinence (such that it is entered into with the samemotive as in practicing artificial birth control), have come under severecriticism by traditional Catholic writers, as well they should. Fortoparaphrase the comment of Cardinal Ottavianinever has it been heard in thehistory of the Church that Catholic couples have a right to plan theirfamilies. Also, it might be observed that the lengths to which the wife must goto monitor her cycle precisely are anything but natural. (One writer has notedthat it is exactly when the woman is able to conceive that she feels mostinclined toward marital relations, an indication of Gods design.) Again,couples who seek to practice periodic abstinence for a serious reason shouldreview the principles spelled out on the first page of this chapter to be surethey would not be committing a mortal sin by engaging in this practice. Then,when they consult a priest, they should be sure that his theology is sound andifhe concurs with them that a serious reason existsthat all the principlesennunciated on page 77 are in fact fulfilled. The morally safer thing for them

to do is practice complete abstinence during the time the difficulty existsifthere is no serious danger of incontinence (mortal sin) for either partner.There is no possible sin in temporary total abstinence, if both parties agree toit and there is no danger of incontinence.

Q. What safeguards will protect couples from abusing or misunderstandingperiodic abstinence?A. There are several safeguards:1. Seek the advice of a good pastor or confessor.2. Practice the Catholic norm regarding conception, that is, complete surrenderto Divine Providence, or co-operation with His plan for children,however many He may send. Pray for help always to practice the Catholic norm and

to learn from the words of Christ: Seek ye therefore first the kingdomof God and his justice, and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matt. 6:33).Be ye therefore perfect, as also your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matt. 5:48).The Epistles of St. Paul, St. John and St. Jude constantly exhort us to sanctity,yes, even to heroic sanctity. And marriage, as with every vocation, often callsfor heroic sacrifice, but Gods grace, through the Sacrament of Matrimony, willprovide the help couples needif they will call upon God for that grace.

Q. What virtue, in particular, should married couples pray for?A. For trusttrust in Gods Providence! The great American Saint, Mother Frances

Xavier Cabrini, instructed her sisters that when things looked difficult,they should consider it an opportunity to trust God more. Tanto! Tanto! Tanto!she exclaimed. More! More! More!

Q. Suppose one spouse in the marriage lacks faith and trust in God and cannotseem to accept the required crosses of additional children in the spirit of theCross and of Church teaching? Furthermore, what if, because of this weakness,there arise conflicts and tensions in the marriage?A. The more enlightened and more faith-filled partner must firmly but quietlyadhere to Catholic morals and Catholic norms. Good principles in such a case


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will always win out in the end. The partner who is stronger in faith andunderstanding should show compassion and mercy toward the weaker spousebutnot give in on the correct principlesjust as Jesus Christ manifested compassionon those who faltered because of weakness. (Our Saviour was more severeon those who acted out of malice or deliberate ignorance.)

Q. What else should the stronger spouse do?A. Give good example; be well-balanced; be dutiful and generous and cheerful inall aspects of home life.

Q. Anything else?A. Yes. Above all else, the spouses should pray together! Fr. Patrick Peytonsmotto, The family that prays together stays together, refers not only to notseparating, but to the achievement of a wonderful unity of souls under Godsjust and mysterious Providence. St. Paul wrote: For when I am weak, then I ampowerful. (2 Cor. 12:10). He turned the recognition of his own weakness into anopportunity to depend more on God and less on himself. Paradoxically, his ownhuman deficiencies became to him an occasion of grace. There is a great lessonin all of this for those spouses who are lacking in sufficient faith or trust inGod to enable them to accept and care for all the children God sends them.

Higher Spiritual MotivesPeriodic abstinence has also been practiced for ascetical reasons throughout the

Christian ages. Many devout Catholic couples have mutually resolved, as an actof mortification, periodically to forego the pleasures of physical intimacyduring, for example, Lent and Advent. Indeed, Church history is replete withcanonized saints who have made resolutions of this nature, such as St. Henry II(Holy Roman Emperor 1002-1024) and his wife St. Cunegunda.

Sources of Catholic TeachingDocuments of the Magisterium of the Roman Catholic Church which have approvedperiodic abstinence either implicitly or explicitly:Ecclesiastical Documents:March 2, 1853Pius IX, Response Non esse InquietandosSacred Penitentiary.June 16, 1880Leo XIII, Response repeated Non esse InquietandosSacred

Penitentiary.Dec. 31, 1931Pius XI, Casti ConnubiiOn Holy Marriage.Oct. 29, 1951Pius XII, Address to Midwives.Nov. 26, 1951Pius XII, Address to Family Congress.May 15, 1961John XXIII, Mater et MagistraMother and Teacher.June 23, 1964Paul VI, Allocution to Cardinals.July 25, 1968Paul VI, Encyclical Humanae VitaeOn Human Life.Nov. 3, 1979John Paul II, Address to CLER and IFFLP.Jan. 26, 1980John Paul II, Address to Midwives.NOTE: Pope Pius XII recommended that medical science employ some of itsexpertise, not in inventing immoral devices and procedures, but rather indetermining with greater accuracy the womans fertility cycle.

Further Moral ConsiderationsThe use of artificial contraceptives and abortifacients is contrary to theNatural Law. Natural Law is defined as the law of God as known by mans rationalnature, i.e., his intellect. All persons, no matter of what nationality orreligion, are bound to obey the Natural Law. Thus, abuses of the procreativefaculty are not merely abuses of Catholic laws. They are serious offensesagainst the law which Almighty God has built into human nature and which thereason of man can understand without the assistance of divine Revelation toenlighten him.


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Taken from Husband and Wife by TAN Books & Publishers, Inc.

Other pages discussing Catholic doctrine and history:

Our Lord Jesus Christ

The Sacred Heart of Jesus - Learn all about this beautiful devotion to Our Lord.

The Shroud of Our Lord - Discusses the convroversy over the Shroud of Turin - isit real or a forgery? Evidence points to its authenticity.

Infinite Mercy of Jesus - Learn how the Heart of Jesus has a strong desire tolove and pardon sinners who sincerely return to Him.

The Blessed Virgin Mary

The Blessed Virgin Mary - Immaculate, pure, and our most powerful intercessorafter Our Lord

The Holy Slavery - To Jesus, through Mary -- the same way Jesus came to us (throughHis Mother)

Edifying and Beautiful - Learn about God's Providence in regard to the BlessedVirgin Mary, her graces and merits, the details of her life!

Our Lady of Fatima - Her predictions and warning for the future.

Saints who Saw Mary - Tells the story of 17 great Saints who saw and heard theBlessed Mother, whom they were so devoted to!

History and Culture

Wearing Pants Incites Men to Lust - Learn how women's fashions have corrupted,how evil forces are behind most modern fashions, and much more! Includes

practical advice.

How to Run a Catholic Family - Discusses how to bring the Catholic Faith intofamily life! How the family can best celebrate feast days, and make use of goodCatholic customs.

A TRUE History Book - This premise of this history book: The coming of JesusChrist was the most important event in history.

Catholic History Workbook - Fascinating; hard to put down! It makes more senseof History than secular books which explain things in a disjointed manner.

Homeschooling Workbook - With questions for every chapter of Christ in the

Americas - multiple choice, fill in the blank, true/false, and more!

Crisis in the Church

Read about St. Athanasius - faithful and courageous, known as the "champion oforthodoxy". One of the 33 Doctors of the Church!

St. Athanasius - The great defender of the Catholic Faith against Arianism

Crisis in the Church - How the enemies of God plot to overthrow the Church from


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within.

Revolution in the Church - How Vatican II and its aftermath caused a crisis inthe Catholic Church.

Freemasonry - Pope Leo XIII unmasks this evil society, and forbids all Catholicsto join.

Combination of ALL Heresies - Pope St. Pius X unmasks the Modernists, giving ustheir doctrine and methods!

Vatican II - Impartially discusses what happened at Vatican II -- mostly quotesfrom the men that were there!

Fascinating if true - A man's deathbed confession.

St. Therese, the Little Flower

St. Therese the Little Flower - Under obedience, she tells the story of herchildhood, religious life, etc.

Mother of St. Therese - Learn about the woman who raised 5 saintly daughters,all of which entered the religious life!

Father of St. Therese - Learn about the man who let the holy family of Lisieuxso well, that his 5 daughters entered a convent!

From the Sister of St. Therese - In her biography, she writes many things notfound in Story of a Soul.

Lives of the Saints

Learned Mystic and Theologian - St. John of the Cross suffered greatly, evenprison, for the Carmelite Reform. Father of the Discalced Carmelites.

Beautiful story of a young girl - Anne de Guigne was clever and passionate, yet

practiced humility and all the other virtues -- and she died at the age of 10.

Refuge for Billions of Catholics - Catholics have always prayed to these saintsin their necessities. St. Blaise, St. Christopher, etc. Includes countlessnovenas!

St. Anne - Grandmother of Our Lord - According to Ven. Mary of Agreda, shepossessed all the virtues, especially purity. Learn more about her!

Young Italian Maiden - Who suffered the Stigmata every Friday, and was piousfrom her youth. St. Gemma Galgani, called the "Gem of Christ"

Heroic Chastity - Read how St. Maria Goretti had to give up her life to preserve

her purity! She is called the patroness of youth.

All Glory to Almighty God - Well documented cases of the miraculous taken fromthe lives of the Saints. Fascinating!

Defeated Persian Sorcerers - The glorious life of St. Jude Thaddeus, Apostle andcousin of Our Lord, as taken from ancient Catholic traditions.


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Angels and Devils - Learn all that Scripture and Tradition teaches us about thepure spirits God created. Fascinating and enlightening!

Life of Mary Magdalen - Learn fascinating details of her life that you didn'tknow before! From the visions of Anne Catherine Emmerich.

The Angel of the Judgment - At a critical point in Church history, his preachingand miracles served as a warning of impending chastisement.

Miracles All His Life - The miraculous was very common in the life of St GerardMajella, great saint and Patron of Expectant Mothers.

Eyewitness to Gospel events - Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich saw so manybiblical events in her visions. Be inspired and edified by her virtuous life!

United with Jesus Christ - She suffered for souls and for the Church, andreceived countless visions all her life. One man wrote down her visions for YOURsake!

Never a Moment Wasted - this zealous missionary and client of Our Lady is amodel for all Catholics. Read about his saintly life.

She saw her Guardian Angel - this innocent girl tells us the story of hersaintly life -- beautiful, inspiring!

Servants of Satan Establish Paganism - Astrology, witchcraft, and countlesssystems of idolatry set up after the Confusion of Tongues.

Fervent Catholic Indians - Father De Smet was like an Apostle, suffering greatlyto bring the True Religion to the Native American peoples.

Classic Sermons for Lent - On the Last Things, aimed at moving you to serve Godeven more faithfully. By St. Francis de Sales.

Those Who Met St. Padre Pio - Stories of conversions, miracles, etc. from thosewho met this living Crucifix. Recently canonized.

Beat Up by the Devil - This great Saint had prophetic visions in the form ofdreams, and often physically struggled with the devil.

Life of St Gertrude - Our Lord appeared to her many times, and she was muchloved by Him because of her purity.

Jesus Dearly Loved Her - Because of her love and confidence in him, her heartwas His favorite place to dwell, after the Blessed Sacrament.

The Dolorous Passion - Giving never before seen details of Our Lord's Passion!

From the visions of Anne Catherine Emmerich.

Braving the English Torture - St. Margaret Clitherow was a wife and mother - andshe kept the Faith even to martyrdom!

Details of The Good Thief - Learn about his life with a gang of brigands, how hehelped the Holy Family, and much more.


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Classic Catholic Sermons - You won't fall asleep here! Sermons by a Doctor ofthe Church, filled with energy and the spirit of Faith.

Miracles Taking Place Today - St. Philomena is famous for the number of miraclessurrounding her shrine - here are some of them.

Isabella of Spain - A holy Catholic queen, and a valiant defender of Christ'skingdom.

St Anthony - the Wonder Worker - His life was filled with proofs that God waswith him.

St Vincent de Paul - famous for his charities, this great Saint was canonizedonly 77 years after his death!

The Cure of Ars - Three of him could destroy the devil's kingdom! Read about hisphysical struggles with Satan.

St. Rita - Nothing is impossible with God! Her life is an example for us all,especially to mothers.

Sermons of St. Francis de Sales - Here he speaks all about the kinds of prayer.

Learn what (and what not) to do!

St. Teresa of Avila - She founded many convents, which were to adhere to thestrict observance of the Carmelite Rule.

St. Elizabeth of Hungary - Known for her generosity to the poor

Alexandrina - A victim soul who suffered the Passion on Fridays

The Spiritual Life

Jesus, Prisoner of Love - Meditations on the most beautiful doctrine of theCatholic Faith - the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist

Spiritual Exercises - Written by a great saint, these meditations have convertedmillions of souls.

Manual of the Spiritual Life - Your duties as a penitent toward your confessor/spiritualdirector.

Lessons from Calvary - 31 meditations on Our Lord's Passion that will help youto easily avoid sin.

Finding Peace of Heart - Only by knowing how to follow God's will, can a person

be truly happy.

Strategy for Getting to Heaven - We must learn how the devil works on us, how toavoid his snares, to win the "War for our Souls".

How to Fight the Deadly Sins - Timeless advice on how to combat each of theCapital sins.

A Manual for Confession - How to benefit from the Sacrament of Penance: common


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pitfalls, scruples, how to make a good exam of conscience, and much more.

Seven Deadly Sins - Learn about the different forms of pride, avarice, lust,anger, envy, gluttony and sloth.

How to Pray Well - How we should pray to God - with confidence, perseverance,simplicity. Advice from St. Alphonsus Liguori!

Marriage & Family

How to Raise Good Catholic Children - With examples from the saints and wise andthoughtful commentary - a must-read for every parent!

Haunted by Children She Aborted - Testimony from her own mouth: how she had 7abortions, and how her life changed afterward.

Catholic Doctrine on Marriage - Common sources of marital strife and how toavoid them, the differences between the sexes, periodic abstinence, and more.

Your Labor of Love - The author talks about isolation, sufferings, the modernculture, and more.

Spiritual Growth during Pregnancy - How expecting a child can bring a woman

closer to God and the Blessed Virgin Mary. Includes much practical advice.

St. Joseph

St. Joseph - After Our Lady, the holiest mere man who ever lived

Privileges of St. Joseph - Why St. Joseph receives so much honor in the Church

Novenas to St. Joseph - Universal Patron - Pray to St. Joseph for all of yourneeds - Jesus, now in Heaven, still listens to him as a father!

The Last Things/Afterlife

Death, Judgment, Hell, Heaven - The Saints always thought about their last end,and so should we. Brings the reality of eternity before your eyes!

Life Everlasting - Discusses death, judgment, heaven and hell; also the vicesand virtues

Beyond the Grave - What we know about Purgatory from sacred history and thelives of the saints.

Peaceful Rest or Almost Like Hell? - Discusses the two opposing Catholicviewpoints on the subject of Purgatory.

Purgatory - Learn what the Catholic Church has always taught on this subject.

What Will Hell be Like? - Discusses the sufferings of Hell in detail.

Eternity of Hell - Including a story from a soul who was sent there!

Catholic Doctrine and Dogma

What is Sanctifying Grace? - Learn all about the nature of Grace, what it doesfor us, how to increase it in our souls, and its importance.


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Catholic Dogma of Grace - God's grace vs. man's ability to merit for his actions.

Sin and Forgiveness - True Catholic doctrine with quotes from Scripture and theFathers.

The Intellect of the Angels - What Catholic theology says about the angels.

Simple Easy-to-Understand Catechism - For Catholics to better learn their faith,or to give to possible converts.

Sodomy Condemned - The Catholic Church has always condemned this unnatural vice- see proofs from the Magisterium, Church laws, Scripture, canons, and more!

The Mass Keeps the World in Existence - and other lofty considerations; helpsCatholics appreciate the real value of the Mass.

The Catholic Mass - Why it is so priceless; relates actual events which prove it!

The Catholic Faith - Easy to read and follow, using the most solid Catholicdoctrine. Very thorough.

What Does The Bible Say About Marriage? - Find all Bible quotes about "Anger",for example, gathered into one page.

Defending the Faith/Apologetics

The REAL Luther - From the pens of Protestant historians, and Luther's own (foul)mouth - learn about the real man.

The Faith of our Fathers - A topic-by-topic explanation of what the CatholicFaith teaches. Great for apologetics!

The Bible Explained - Why were all those various stories placed in the Bible for

us to read? Here is why!

How Christ Changed Society - Compare the ancient world with the world influencedby Christ.

Scripture Alone for Salvation? - Even the Bible itself denies this! Read 21compelling reasons why Tradition is also necessary.

The Bible is a Catholic book - Convincing arguments show clearly that criticismof the Catholic Church has no truthful basis! Excellent apologetics based onhistory.

Defend Catholic Dogmas - Find rational arguments for what Catholics believe.

Theory of Evolution

Evolution Hoax Debunked - A learned scientist discovers that there is noevidence FOR Evolution, but plenty AGAINST it!

Proofs against Evolution - Plenty of evidence against Evolution is out there,but it is often ignored by the media. Fascinating!


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Evolution is a Fraud - So say countless biologists and scientists! Read more...

Novels

King of Jerusalem - Balwin IV of Jerusalem leads the Crusaders in this excitingnovel.

Exciting Adventures - Tom Playfair and his friends at a Jesuit boarding school.Exciting, Catholic, fun!

More Catholic Adventures - written by Fr. Finn - Percy Wynn meets Tom Playfairand friends, and enters the boarding school (St. Maure's).

Perpetual Motion Boy - The Fr. Finn boarding school universe expands with ClaudeLightfoot and other interesting characters.

That Football Game - written by Fr. Finn - Which is more important? Englishclass, a math competition, or an upcoming football game?

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