cg05 - march2005

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No. 5 March 2005 THIS MONTH The Joke of the Year Show Yes, it’s election time again! Here’s how it works (ahem)- p.3 Down but not Out Dex says farewell/ f off to student politics - p.4 Gaming Grandaddy Just like Pi’s video games page! Right? - p.5 How to make a million UCL repackaged - p.5 Police war on crime Blue skies thinking from the new man at the Met - p.6 Fundraisers stunned at UCL students’ gullibility Erm? - p.6 Golders Green splits New Jewish state - p.7 Hunter S. Thompson His last work - p.7 PLUS A letter at fucking last (p.6), News in Brief, all the cartoons you love and some you hate. IT’S FINALLY OVER. After an incredible week of impromptu and ex- haustive fundraising by UCL students on behalf of The Cheese Grater’s cam- paign, the Provost, Prof. Malcolm Grant (CBE MA LLD) finally shaved his moustache off (with a cry of “Why am I doing this?”) on Friday 11th March, Red Nose Day, as it was revealed that his demand to raise £1,500 for Comic Re- lief had been exceeded. The ceremony, which took place in UCL’s Front Quad, was heavily at- tended despite last-minute arrangement. Richard Bridger, The Cheese Grater’s assistant editor, who master- minded the campaign and himself per- formed endless fundraising, said that about £1,800 had been raised. The Cheese Grater would like to thank the following for their tireless fundraising work with the blue buck- ets: Fiona Stewart, Helen Weston, David Hing, Matthew Phelps, Christi- na Lathway, Dot Fallon, Meherzad Bil- amoria, Sian Roddy, Daniel Redwood, Sam Steddy, Frankie Roberto, Jon Fish- er, Jon Heppenstall, Becky (surname un- known), Rhian Davies, Nicola Harris, Charlotte Riley and Nick Cowen. We would also like to thank Prof. John Foreman, the Dean of Students, for sterling work charming large sums of money out of the pockets of academ- ics (no mean feat), Rare FM for their coverage, Frankie Roberto for his press releases (one of which got into The Times Higher Education Supplement) and the UCL Union sab- batical officers for their support. And of course, all you students. We’ve been surprised and de- lighted by your gener- osity and backing. The Tache Goes

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March 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 1

No. 5March 2005

THIS MONTHThe Joke of the YearShowYes, it’s election time again!Here’s how it works(ahem)- p.3Down but not OutDex says farewell/ f off tostudent politics - p.4Gaming GrandaddyJust like Pi’s video gamespage! Right? - p.5How to make a millionUCL repackaged - p.5Police war on crimeBlue skies thinking from thenew man at the Met - p.6Fundraisers stunnedat UCL students’gullibilityErm? - p.6Golders Green splitsNew Jewish state - p.7Hunter S. ThompsonHis last work - p.7

PLUSA letter at fucking last(p.6), News in Brief, all thecartoons you love andsome you hate.

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IT’S FINALLY OVER. After anincredible week of impromptu and ex-haustive fundraising by UCL studentson behalf of The Cheese Grater’s cam-paign, the Provost, Prof. Malcolm Grant(CBE MA LLD) finally shaved hismoustache off (with a cry of “Why am Idoing this?”) on Friday 11th March, RedNose Day, as it was revealed that hisdemand to raise £1,500 for Comic Re-lief had been exceeded.

The ceremony, which took placein UCL’s Front Quad, was heavily at-tended despite last-minute arrangement.

Richard Bridger, The CheeseGrater’s assistant editor, who master-minded the campaign and himself per-formed endless fundraising, said thatabout £1,800 had been raised.

The Cheese Grater would like tothank the following for their tirelessfundraising work with the blue buck-ets:

Fiona Stewart, Helen Weston,David Hing, Matthew Phelps, Christi-na Lathway, Dot Fallon, Meherzad Bil-amoria, Sian Roddy, Daniel Redwood,Sam Steddy, Frankie Roberto, Jon Fish-er, Jon Heppenstall, Becky (surname un-known), Rhian Davies, Nicola Harris,Charlotte Riley and Nick Cowen.

We would also like to thank Prof.John Foreman, the Dean of Students,for sterling work charming large sumsof money out of the pockets of academ-ics (no mean feat), Rare FM for theircoverage, Frankie Roberto for his pressreleases (one of which got into TheTimes Higher Education Supplement)and the UCL Union sab-batical officers for theirsupport. And of course,all you students. We’vebeen surprised and de-lighted by your gener-osity and backing.

The Tache Goes

2 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater March 2005

from our members at DingBobik Comics<www.freewebs.com/dingbobikcomics>

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society

PrPrPrPrPresident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor: René Lavanchy TTTTTrrrrreasureasureasureasureasurer: er: er: er: er: Nick CowenAssistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors: Richard Bridger, Dex Torricke-Barton

E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: [email protected] Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

Student Squad

ClarificationLast issue contained some adjust-

ments done in biro at the last minuteafter a meeting with Alex Walsh. Sincethey weren’t very clear, here once againis the clarification. On page 5, we saidthat Pi, as a Union society, was in nodanger of suspension or disaffiliation.The Union (Walsh) denies this, sayingit gets no special treatment. Decide foryourself - Ed.

Tube seat changes

Tube companies today announcedplans to institute radical changes in theseating arrangements on trains. Com-panies voiced concern about the fact thatmany passengers pay the full fare onlyto spend the entire journey standing up.Mike Mountebank, chief executive ofCrapRail, said “This is clearly unfair.Therefore, we are getting rid of all theseats so that everyone is equal.” Rivalfirms have suggested that, to provideprovision for the elderly or disabled,some carriages would have one seat,which would have the added benefit ofproviding Tube workers amusement asthey could watch crowds fight over it.

Cod returned

A batch of cod caught by trawlersin the Channel has been thrown backin the sea on the grounds that it wastrying to unfairly claim asylum in theUK. Terence Shepherd, the president ofthe Grimsby Waterfront Residents’ As-sociation, said: “We don’t want anysmelly foreigners trying to take all ourjobs, even if they haven’t got any handsand can’t live outside water. And cod

aren’t living under a dictatorship, arethey?” Further comment was curtailedby a spate of bad jokes about the 1960sanimated TV series Stingray.

Playwright arrested

A man claiming to be WilliamShakespeare was arrested yesterday af-ter his play Henry V (in which theking’s famous speeches about patriot-ism hide the fact that he went to warover a personal disagreement with theFrench king) was deemed to be incit-ing religious hatred .The Prime Minis-ter made a statement last night saying:“He’s lucky that he lives in a democra-cy where he can say such things…..he’ll

be shot tomorrow.”

Police Initiative

Concerned about the number ofincidents where unarmed people havebeen shot, the Home Office announcedtoday that it was taking steps to dealwith such problems. Now, all crimi-nals suspected of carrying a weapon willbe handed a short questionnnaire to fillin, aimed at removing all doubt and thuspreventing future tragedies. A sampleis reprinted here:

Which of these best describes theobject you are holding?

News In BriefNow why didn’t we think of this before?

1

2

3

4

SAMPLE

Please tick only one boxGunWater pistolNovelty lighterTable legBaguetteDachshund

Contributors: Nikolai Morofski, X. R. Stoatgarrotter, Ding and Bobik, David Hing, Rance Randolph Randylin, bird, JosephWass, Rusty Wood, Dex Torricke-Barton, Scary Boots

with thanks to S

cary Boots

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X. R. Stoatgarotter et al

March 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 3

The Joke of The Year Show

The elections just ended are free and fair, iflast year’s aren’t anything to go by...

Oh dear. Nobody takes any notice of this one.Last year, Stephen Fingleton, Olivier Usher and

Adam Donen all collaborated...and Fingletonhelped shore up Justin Bukspan’s dismal

campaign by supplying posters.

How to use inventivepublicity to getsomeonedisqualified

How to write off anelection you’ve

failed to rig

Bruised Ego Count ’05- Winners and Losers

Rumour has it that Kelvin Sheikh,candidate for Finance and Administra-tion Officer, polled 500 more votes thanvictor Lucy “spreadsheet with a pulse”Gould. But he campaigned in a gorillasuit, didn’t declare it...and got disqual-ified. Just like disqualified Shama Rah-man last year got more votes than Ste-ven Healer...funny that.

Gould, however, might encoun-ter trouble with general secretary-electLuca Manfredi, reputed to dislike her.Manfredi gets on well with his oppo-nent for Gen. Sec., Waseem Alim...sowell that they were recently overheardin the refectory planning to ‘stack’ var-ious committees and Union Council intheir favour next year, to push their pol-icies through without the sabbatical of-ficers’ approval.

Members of Rare FM are bitterover their man Frankie Roberto losingout to Al ‘I don’t listen to Rare FM’Gardner for the Media and Communi-cations post. Given their brooding hos-tility, can we expect friction betweenthe new officer and the cash-strappedradio station?

The People vs Luca ManfrediIs the next General Secretary a joker or a bigot, and does it matter?

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LUCA MANFREDI, a failed can-didate for Academic Affairs Officer lastyear, ran as General Secretary this year,and won. His success was controver-sial, on account of some inflammatoryposts he made on the UCL Union mes-sage board. In them, he said womenwere not equal partners for him in mar-riage, and that he wouldn’t tolerate hav-ing gay children. Read about it in thenext Pi - or see the ‘Remember Luca’post on the board. They make for col-ourful reading, which, as Luca says, isthe point: he was provoking his oppo-nents.

Last term, then Campaigns andEqual Opps Officer Alex Coles (nowresigned) circulated a motion to Coun-cil of no confidence in Luca as a mem-ber of Welfare and Equal Opps Com-mittee (to read one of these committeenames is to read one too many, isn’tit?). The motion said that Luca’s views

were bigoted and homophobic, and assuch he could hardly be on the com-mittee. Anyway, the motion didn’t makeit to being presented, because all thesabbatical officers refused to sign it.Services and Events officer Steven Heal-er expressed fears that there was a ven-detta going on. Coles denies this. While,he admits, Victoria Green was justifiedin refusing in virtue of her position, heis unhappy at what he calls a ‘blockmentality’ among sabbs: if one doesn’tdo it, none can. But then, he has neverseen eye to eye with them, not leastHealer, whom he shouted at and called

a ‘wanker’ at Council last year. Colesis also unhappy at David Renton’s re-fusal to consider adding his name to themotion; as Education and Welfare Of-ficer, he says, it is his remit. Renton,however, said he had to maintain im-partiality.

Luca is now (a) running for ULUCouncil Chair and (b) running scaredof his posts being misinterpreted (as hesees it). Anticipating the Pi article, hewrote to us to say that “I decided tooutrightly provoke you [ hisopponents]and inflame the debate withprovocatory...statements...whichcouldn’t even by far represent my opin-ion or feelings.” Is this an Italian Fin-gleton we see? (See issue 2). Further-more, Luca suspects Coles of sendingan e-mail to the whole of ULU’s execu-tive, urging them not to vote for him.This Coles denies. But this second elec-tion will be worth watching. RL

Luca Manfredi and Alex Coles

4 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater March 2005

bird <www.angelfire.com/nd2/bird>

WHEN I ARRIVED at UCL inSeptember 2003, I knew that I wantedto serve my community. But more thanthat – I wanted to take the lead in rep-resenting and defending the interests ofmy fellow students. I’ve always hadgreat ambitions, and when I decided torun for first Ramsay Hall Representa-tive and later the Executive Commit-tee, I felt I had found the perfect forumto display my talents and prepare forthe future political career I aspired to-wards.

But student politics is a nasty busi-ness, and from my very first Councilmeeting I found that those who re-mained silent and feigned friendlinessto all would inevitably be the ones re-warded. And although I swore to re-main true to my idealistic goals, I con-vinced myself that real change could onlybe accomplished if I was actually elect-ed in the first place. And to do that re-quired certain sacrifices. I chose to stayquiet and do nothing. The end justifiedthe means.

Like all good stories, this one in-volves a girl. My girlfriend and bestfriend came with me to UCL, and al-though she wasn’t political, she support-ed me every day in my quest to changethe union. But the more positions Inotched up on my CV, the less I ap-peared to care about meaningful poli-

cies. “When I’m a Sabbatical, I canchange things all at once,” I promisedher. “You’re a hypocrite,” she said, andour relationship ended soon after.

It took six months and the loss ofmany more friends before I had achange of heart. And so in September2004, I took up the post of E & E Of-ficer with a vengeance, and abandonedpragmatism. My colleagues found a newofficer in their midst – a radical advo-cate for major reform at UCL Union.With just 10% voter turnout in the lat-est elections, and barely a quarter of allelected positions filled, our union is nolonger the voice of students, and I want-ed to change that. And I wanted to fixPi Magazine, a publication I had servedfor a year – because it was so unintel-lectual, so inadequate for our commu-nity. But most of all, I wanted to tellthe truth at last – even if it would costme my job as Environment & EthicsOfficer.

Even if it would cost me my fu-ture as a Sabbatical Officer.

I made many enemies for thethings I said and did. This undoubtedlycontributed to my defeat in this elec-tion. My opponent did little campaign-ing, and lacks the policies necessary totackle the underlying political and cul-tural problems facing our union. Shedid not win because of her strengths,

but because of my crippling weakness-es. The forces of mediocrity combinedto stop me. The Pi editor, Holly Fal-coner, was overheard telling people inthe Bloomsbury Theatre to vote AlGardner for Media & CommunicationsOfficer – and against me for E & W.My campaign materials were rejectedby Elections Committee for using theword ‘mismanagement’. “It could beinterpreted as a breach of Staff-Studentprotocol,” said Victoria Green. Nevermind that I was referring to studentpoliticians.

And so I lost the count. But in away, I still won the election.

I have remained committed to avision of excellence, not just at UCLUnion but in every part of my life. Ihave told the truth, and have nothing tobe ashamed about. My defeat is not anindictment of my present character. Lastyear I did nothing – and was able towin elections. This year, I fought forwhat I believed in. For that I was soundlydefeated. But would I rather have mightor right? If this election were to set thestandard for my life, then I shall be sat-isfied. For I have provided a vision ofUCL Union where cupidity and medi-ocrity have no place, and integrity andambition always define the road ahead.And so it shall be with my life.

UCL Union is lost. But I still haveeverything to fight for. And most im-portantly – utterly belatedly – I hopethat my ex-girlfriend will forgive me formy Machiavellian past.

The author is Union Affairs Edi-tor of The Cheese Grater

Comments on this for publication arewelcome at our e-mail address

Dex and some of the dreadful people he associates with (not our staff)

Down, not out in Pi, reps andLondon Dex Torricke-Barton looks back at his bid to be the next Education

& Welfare Officer of UCL Union – and explains why he’s celebrating

March 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 5

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Universities aren’t what they usedto be. Gone are the days when theycould be funded through a sheer igno-rance of financial reality. Suddenly,massive losses are ‘not profitable’. Con-sequently, below are a few suggestionsthat should change the way UCL is fund-ed for many, many years/days/hours tocome (or until bailiffs take Mr.Bentham’s replica head for Tussaud’smodel of Kylie Minogue’s arse).

Thatcher was on to somethingwith free-market economics, even if thepolitical left maintain she raped thecountry (the mind boggles with whatshe had in mind for Cornwall). There-

fore, why not allow private companiesto run the university? It could be re-named after some famous brand, likeCoca-Cola or, even better, Panda Cola.Alternatively, the university could beused for advertising purposes, like turn-ing the Cruciform Building in to a gi-ant Air Wick Plug-in. Even better, Picould become a sycophantic promotion-al tool for Coldplay! No, wait…

Given that a university educationis priceless, why not apply that theoryto running one? Teaching staff, by farthe biggest waste of money, could bereplaced. With bricks. Expensive sub-jects of little practical use, like medi-

GamingGrandaddy

To rival Pi’s up-to-the-minutecoverage of 6-month-old games,The Cheese Grater strikes back...

Pong (Arcade) (plans to be releasedfor other systems late next spring)

Taking the video gaming world bystorm this century is the radical tabletennis simulator, Pong. The aim of thegame is to outwit your opponent in one-on-one tennis-style combat and emergevictorious with the most points. Thisgame has everything. The graphics areoutstanding and the gameplay will haveyou glued to the screen for literallyminutes. Being both multiplayer andsingle player, with an AI paddle thatwill have you convinced that you areplaying a real person, Pong earns somuch respect that there is already afilm, “The Chronicles of Pong”, plannedto be released early in 2010. Early ru-mours suggest that Mel Gibson is to playthe lead roll of “Player 1”.

SCORE: 5/5Pac-Man (Arcade/Sinclair ZX

Spectrum)Capturing the hearts of even the

most hard-hearted arcade patron, theever-starving, ever-eating, anti-dieting,yellow ball of fun that is Pac-Man hasthe nation hooked on its addictiveness.The aim of the game is to guide thePac-Man around a maze, eating everysmall dot and avoiding the enemy ghoststhat chase after you. However, in acunning twist to the game, you can eatthe pulsating dots in the corners to makethe ghosts turn tail in fear and chase

after them instead, turning hunter intohunted. This game has not only capti-vated the attention of video gamers theworld over, but it has also sparked heat-ed discussion in the media over wheth-er or not it is suitable for young chil-dren, and an 18 certificate has beenconsidered, as it encourages children toeat and face their fears by taking behav-iour-altering substances which willmake them think that they can eatghosts. Whether Pac-Man will go downin history as a piece of pro-drug propa-ganda remains to be seen, but there isalready a film, “Pac-Man Begins” enter-ing pre-production. Early rumours sug-gest that Mel Gibson is to play a sup-porting role as “Yellow Ghost”.

SCORE: 5/5Donkey Kong (Dragon 32)Game developers, ever trying to

push the boundaries of computer games,every now and then make a mistake.Donkey Kong is one of them. In thisgame, you play a small man in overallsand a moustache who must rescue aprincess from a giant gorilla by climb-ing to the top of a level and avoidingbarrels and fireballs. The random mixof game play leads us to the conclusionthat Donkey Kong is just too compli-cated and has sacrificed playability forsuperior graphics, which, although im-pressive, are no consolation. Althoughwe acknowledge the effort put into

Donkey Kong, it is fairly safe to say thatgames will never get more complicatedthan the industry standard. Also, tohave a small man with a moustache wholooks like a plumber as the lead in agame is absolutely absurd and will nev-er be a success. It would be like a Jap-anese company having as their mascotan Italian called “Mario”. Mel Gibsoncame forward earlier this week andpublicly denounced the game as “NotVery Good”, and has quashed mutter-ings that he is planning a historical bio-graphical film of Donkey Kong goingby the working title of “When Apes GetHorny”.

SCORE: 2/5

cine and engineering, would have to bescrapped. Instead, there would be cours-es on coal mining and crazy golf coursemanagement. If cost cutting isn’tenough, why not indulge in a bit of as-set stripping? The college itself, forexample. UCL could relocate to beau-tiful, downtown Beirut or Kabul andbe renamed UCKFUCL, or UniversityCollege Kabul, Formerly UniversityCollege London.

Or, on the other hand, why notjust raise tuition fees? [Shut up, or nextissue will just be letters from the NUS– Ed]

Donkey Kong: too muchsophistication in one game

How to make a million (or £300m)How are we to solve the funding crisis? Joseph Wass reckons he knows...

6 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater March 2005

Police leadwar on crime

Sir,I am not going to launch into a dissec-tion of your article about me [last issue,p.3], which I feel contains distortionsof the truth and inaccuracies, mainly be-cause of the sense of deflation and angstthat I have experienced since I first sawthe article.Nevertheless, if there are people that areunsatisfied or aggrieved with how I haveconducted myself in office, then I mustrespond to their complaints, both interms of words and actions. In line withyour comments in the final paragraph, Iwill attempt to redress any grievancesthat officers may have about me and tolook myself as to where I may have gonewrong.

DAVID RENTONEducation and Welfare OfficerUCL Union

Following a week-long campaignbased on a moustache and a red nose,the organisers of ‘Cash for the Tache’have expressed their amazement at thegullibility of UCL students. “I can’tbelieve it,” exclaimed Richard Bridger,organiser of the event. “They’re so stu-pid. All we had to do was get a fewbuckets, put some posters up and claimthat we’re going to shave some guy’smoustache and the money started flood-ing in. Who is this Provost, anyway?All I can say is I know my career path’.

As the realisation of their errordawned, students’ self-congratulationand moral fulfilment at raising over£1500 turned to despair. UCL Unionresponded by debating a motion to pro-pose a motion to establish a new com-

mittee, the Donations Abuse Commit-tee, to be aided by a ‘Committee againstFraudulent Depillatory Campaigns’.Administrators and lecturers are alsofuming, with the Provost said to be dev-astated at losing his lifelong partner.Placing it on Jeremy Bentham’s face inthe South Cloisters does not help, whatwith it being right outside the Provost’soffice.

At the time of going to press, TheCheese Grater had learned that thoserunning the collections had taken theirvaluables and gone to Heathrow. Wordhas it that they haven’t totally disregard-ed the efforts of donors, however. “Theysaid they were going to choose whereto go based on all the different foreigncoins they received”, a source close tothe fundraisers said. A worldwide tourawaits, with the next stop Guyana.

AFTER initiatives against drugdealers, yobs and motorists edging overthe speed limit, the new Commissionrof the Metropolitan Police, Sir Ian Blair,has announced an audacious plan to cutcrime. In response to increasing pub-lic criticism from Londoners, Blair de-clared that “the time for timid meas-ures is over. From now on, criminalsout there must realise that we’re goingto do our job. Maybe not that well,but we will do it nonetheless”. Thenew plans have been welcomed by theHome Secretary, Charles Clarke, whofeels that every day we are all commit-ting crimes that degrade our quality oflife. In a speech to the House of Com-mons, Clarke commented: “I welcomethe new initiative of the Met to aim tocut crime just before an election. Foreight years we have dithered about pun-ishment, released prisoners early andfocused on superficial initiatives. Fromnow on I intend to overhaul the crimi-nal justice system and take away morepeoples’ rights until I am satisfied thenew initiative has succeeded in makingattention grabbing headlines”. In re-sponse to a question asking exactly whatthe new initiative to cut crime was, MrClarke responded, “That’s just it. Weintend to cut crime”. No further com-ment has been made, as it appears thatMr Clarke is under house arrest forbeing a danger to national security. RW

Fundraisers stunned atUCL students’ gullibilityLetter

Rusty Wood

Cash for the Tache? Nah, it’s a scam...

March 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 7

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SHOCK AND INDEED AWEwas felt on Friday, when a sizeable areaof North London declared itself inde-pendent of the UK. The territory ex-tends over both branches of the North-ern line, covering Golders Green, Finch-ley and the strategically vital Mill Hill.The new power set up borders andcheck points to prevent uncontrolled“commuter” immigration to the newrepublic from the UK.

The new nation’s ambassador toLondon, UCL student Samuel Lebensexplained: “We always thought therewas something fishy about the originalpromised Jewish homeland. For a startit seemed both God and the British gov-ernment had promised the land to dif-ferent peoples at different times. TheBalfour declaration early last centurysuggested Britain had the right to handIsrael over to whoever it wanted, butthis was completely inconsistent withthe property rights of the inhabitants.What’s more, God promised us a landflowing with milk and honey. Not adesert. But now we have found a terri-tory that Britain both has a right to handover, and looks far more like a Jewish

homeland anyway.”Ken Livingstone, mayor of Lon-

don, reacted angrily to the surprise se-cession from his kingdom. FortifyingHampstead from a potential sneak at-tack, he promised to “drive them [therebels] into Edgware!” He then had toback down when it emerged GoldersGreen may have already developed nu-clear weapons at a secret base in Vic-toria Park. The US State Department

Golders Green secedesNew Jewish state declared as Ken vows to defend city’s integrity

Nikolai Morofski

Ken explains his stance as a Trident II missile makes for the new state (inset)

advocated diplomacy when it learntthere were no known oil stocks beneaththe new suburban superpower. But Kenfears a domino effect of secessions. Al-ready, residents of Manor House havebeen spotted in discussion with Turkeyover support for a potential rebel move-ment. Meanwhile, sources from Cam-den Town say the area may attempt toally itself with the planet Mars, whereits inhabitants claim their allegiance lies.

WE HAD TWO BAGS of Wer-ther’s Originals, seventy-five Sanatogentablets, five sheets of bingo cards, a salt-shaker half full of smelling salts, a wholegalaxy of multi-colored arthritis tablets,incontinence tablets, vitamin tablets,haemorrhoid tablets; also a quart ofHorlicks, a pint of pasteurised milk, acase of ginger beer, and two dozen Pro-zac. Not that we needed all that for thetrip, but none of us are getting anyyounger, and that fucker Wenner says ifI rupture another brain cell on this as-signment, I’ll be lucky to be blessedwith one neural synapse to my n-

“Hunter!”“What is it now, you perverted

smack-whore of Satan?”“Put the fucking tape machine

down. It’s time for your afternoon nap.”Hot damn! This never happened

in my halycon days. Oh no; go to theKentucky Derby, Hunter; get your assto the Nevada Desert, Hunter; we needyou in the Congo, Hunter; Hunter! Thiscalls for Immersive Reportage, andthere’s only one Doctor of Journalismout there who can crack this oily littleadrenal gland...but now, the twin uglybrutes of Old Age and Premature Se-nility have driven their stakes into myshrivelled husk of a body, and I get sentto cover the ‘UCL Union ExecutiveElections’ for a greasy-pinko-faggotcollege paper called The Knee Scraperor something. This is the gratitudeheaped on a world-famous sportswrit-er and deep thinker by his editors, whoare all Good Ole Boys and slurp mar-garitas with their crocodilian wives onyachts moored off Miami Beach. Nomore running amok through Saigon

hotel ballrooms on the expense accountafter persuading Rolling Stone to crownme National Affairs Editor and send meover their, no more useful to informingthe acid generation about rock than atomato about Richard Nixon...but atleast Jan Wenner got thrown out of theStone for the Filipino boys in the sta-tionery cupboard...

After my nap, Wenner confrontsme. “Okay, Hunter, it’s time you satdown and got drafting. Your deadline isalready three weeks past.” So, I asked,will you tape-record my every word andfeed me whisky to finish the job? “No.I’ll lock you in this room with a vicious200-pound Stephen Fingleton tillyou’ve written it.”

Holy shit! This was heinous...Norman Mailer will be resumed

as soon as possible.

Hunter S. Thompson’s last workBefore he died, the great man was about to cover a story for us...

8 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater March 2005

Contributors to this issue:Contributors to this issue:Contributors to this issue:Contributors to this issue:Contributors to this issue:

Rance Randolph Randylin