cg06 - november2005

October 2005 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 1

Down Your UnionNews from 25Gordon Street aboutstudent politicians.Rounded up andshot p.2

No. 6October 2005

THIS MONTH○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ UCL plc Another article on UCL’s

rebranding. But now with insideinformation p.4

Tragedy atCampbellHouse

Residents speak outon the death ofSteven MacDonald inhalls in June p. 6

Alternative UCLcampaign launchedAn undergraduate ischallenging theProvost’s plans p.5Provost’s ex-moustache a forcefor good in theworldSays it all, really p.7

Kampf und dieKursteilnehmerAn appeal for creativedrinking, mindlessviolence and speakingGerman p.10

SocietyBitchOur new society

column! With adifference p. 10ClarificationSee p. 3 top

2 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater October 2005

Dex Torricke-BartonUCL UNION leaders

have refused to endorse the res-olution of a motion lendingsupport to a London demon-stration on climate change, cit-ing legal restrictions.

In a motion submitted tothe Welcoming General Meet-ing of UCL Union, students re-quested that a delegation andbanner be dispatched to theLondon Climate Demonstra-tion on 3 December 2005, anevent planned to coincide withplanned Montreal Climatetalks as part of “an internationalday of climate protest.” But ina meeting of the GovernanceCommittee of UCL Union, aconsensus of union executiveand non-executive officersclaimed that sending the ban-ner and delegation would “con-travene the principle of theUnion operating in a positionsuper partes” and that “the tim-ing to coincide with a round oftalks and the explicitness of thedemo’s political orientationmade it such that the Unioncould not send an official rep-resentation.” This is a suspectinterpretation of the law. Butit is also cowardly. A wholehost of student union leadersup and down the country – asnearby as Malet Street – havealways dared to advocate thenirvana of ‘the campaigning

and our planet constitute some-thing that is of interest to allpeoples, including students asstudents? I mean, isn’t this justa sheer, bloody-minded lazinessin refusing to endorse themarch?

“It is not about the Un-ion being like GW Bush. It isabout keeping away from streetpolitics, be they good or bad”said General Secretary LucaManfredi in defence of the de-cision. Well that says it alldoesn’t it. ‘Be they good orbad.’ For fuck’s sakes.

Have a breakAN ATTEMPT to lift

DownYourUnion

union.’ The idea that a studentunion’s key function is to playa role in articulating and sup-porting the political vision ofits members. None of theseorganisations have ever duelledwith the law. Not one execu-tive officer has been thrown inthe chokey for daring to take abanner along to a march, evena political one. And even if thishad happened, it still wouldn’tnullify the moral responsibili-ty that a union has towards itsmembers to campaign and takea stand.

Luca Manfredi

The decision not to senda banner is inconsistent. Lastyear, students voted to send abanner to the European SocialForum 2004. Executive happi-ly complied with the decision.And no-one got prosecuted.

And finally, can’t climatechange be regarded as some-thing beyond politics? Doesn’tthe health of our environment

UCL Union’s ban on sale ofNestle products in its outletswas quashed at the WelcomingGeneral Meeting on 11 Octo-ber. This is strange.

The original ban on Nes-tle products was imposed on 22March 2004, after a packedgeneral meeting voted to jointhe International Nestle Boy-cott (INB) campaign. The cam-paign alleges that the companyhas pursued unethical market-ing practises in the developingworld, specifically relating tothe marketing of powderedmilk products. The resultingban on Nestle products atUCLU was supported by twoformer Environment and Eth-ics Officers, and the currentholder of the position, LouiseBroadbent.

Broadbent came out as anenthusiastic advocate of the banduring her election in March,and her efforts to renew theoriginal motion took no-one bysurprise. But what is truly baf-fling is how little resistance she

Union won’t support climate change protests but willhelp Nestlé turn a profit...Our political hack’s view on exciting events in studentaffairs

Scary Boots


Exclusive strip from our members at DingBobik Comics<www.dingbobikcomics.co.uk>

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Societywww.cheesegratermagazine.uclu.org

PrPrPrPrPresident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor: René Lavanchy TTTTTrrrrreasureasureasureasureasurer: er: er: er: er: Nick CowenAssistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors:Assistant Editors: Richard Bridger, Dex Torricke-Barton

E-mail : E-mail : E-mail : E-mail : E-mail : [email protected] Humour Desk: Humour Desk: Humour Desk: Humour Desk: Humour Desk: [email protected] Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor. All material is © its respective author.

Student Squad

Contributors: Nikolai Morofski, Scary Boots, Rusty Wood,Mark Ravinet, David Hing, Dex Torricke-Barton, PatriziaPapitto, Nigel Hunckleberry, Claude McNab, Eva von Datta,bird, Mr Chatterbox

DonlonStundet“YOU CAN DO A lot of

things as London Student Edi-tor,” avid London Student hackChaminda Jayanetti told read-ers of his manifesto for editor,during the ULU elections inMarch.

“You can plug your polit-ical line (yes, there’s more!).You can bang on about studentunions. You can even write allthe articles yourself. But thatdoesn’t mean you should.”

This might come as a sur-prise to the latest LS’s readers.Of all the columns in the newssection he edits, he has written268 centimetres, compared to556 cm by, er, everyone else.

But perhaps Cham is justmaking up for lost time. Whileon work experience at theCamden New Journal this year,he doesn’t appear to have gotanything published.

Our logois so

wonderful...

...we’re losing15% of our staff

to pay for it

ClarificationLAST issue’s (March) ar-

ticle ‘Golders’ Green secedes’featured comments attributedto UCL student and then Jew-ish Society president SamuelLebens. None of these com-ments were said by him andthey were enitrely invented, thearticle itself reporting fictitiousevents, namely the formation ofa Jewish state in north-westLondon.

We should have checkedwith Sam before publishingthois article, and regrettably wedid not. For this, we have al-ready apologised to Sam - Ed.

encountered from her morecommercially-inclined col-leagues. The Nestle ban is a dullpiece of union legislation thatdoes nothing to actively sup-port the ban – students can sim-ply walk to Tottenham CourtRoad to get their Kit Kats – anddenies a valuable incomestream. The strategy of the INBis nebulous at best, and mis-guided at worst. And even ifthese two facts weren’t true, theunion is certainly taking somesort of political judgement onthe facts of the Babymilk case.

Given the obsession withremaining apolitical at UCLUnion, this really doesn’t addup.

Addio Luca?LUCA MANFREDI

seems to be getting a lot of heatlately. A controversial candi-date in the UCLU and ULUelections of last year, opponentshave always tended to label himas a homophobic, sexist, dis-criminatory brute – claims thatfound credence thanks to hispersistent gaffes on the union’swebsite messageboards. Butdespite an almost self-con-sciously quiet online profilesince the start of term, the crit-ics are back. And this time theybrought friends. Friends withpolitical firepower.

It must be the nightmarescenario for any union hack;

winning an election only tofind that no-one else hasstopped fighting, and being in-capable of moving on to actu-ally doing the job. And thus therug has been pulled out fromunder Luca’s feet with credi-ble rumours of a no-confidencemotion being prepared againsthim at ULU Council. The cul-prits? An executive source inthe know at ULU claims thatmembers of the student LGBTcommunity are doling out ret-ribution.

At 25 Gordon Street, Lu-ca’s ambitious plans for a re-write of the standing orders andunion constitution seem to begoing nowhere. Perhaps it’s re-form ennui by last year’s offic-ers. Nigel Harris, the formerGeneral Secretary, made a bigthing of changing the standingorders and became almost a‘reform bore’. But more like-ly, it’s simply down to Luca’ssinking political stock.

At the WGM on 11 Oc-tober, a faint thud could almostbe heard as it hit rock bottom.A plucky student sought to re-lieve Luca of his chairmanshipof the meeting. And eventhough the attempt failed, Lucaappeared shaken. He should be.His executive colleagues arelikely to take his policy propos-als even less seriously with thecratering of his political credi-bility. And the result is likelyto be the total failure of all his

best laid plans at the two plac-es he was elected to serve.

Harsh. But that’s politics.

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○


THE NEW, eagerlyawaited UCL brand, which re-placed the old portico logo,was unveiled two moths ago toa fanfare of universal apathyand bemused disdain. The newlogo, in a slab-sided typeface,stands alongside that a sloganthat is arguably meaninglessand vapid – ‘London’s GlobalUniversity’. The Provost, Pro-fessor Malcolm Grant, and thecommunications team at UCLhave been working on the re-branding of the college sincebefore the beginning of the lastacademic year; but it took al-most a year after the unveilingof the “Campaign for UCL”(launched last November witha temporary logo) for the newlogo to be made public.

The fact that the logo wasreleased so late, alongside thefact that it has been rumouredto cost the college £600,000(London Student said this, butthey got it from the AUT teach-ers’ union website; The CheeseGrater heard it mentioned by asource close to the Provost him-self) has raised concerns thatthe whole process was bungledby College. Senior sourceswithin UCL’s communicationsteam have vigorously deniedthat the logo cost £600,000 andargue that extensive market re-search that led up to the re-branding identified UCL’s prob-lem as being an ignored, mis-understood and “stuffy” collegewithin the University of Lon-don and other Russell Groupuniversities.

The Development andCorporate Communicationsteam have been refreshinglycandid as to their aim to in-crease the “brand awareness”of UCL internationally, espe-cially in America, and give amodern, competitive edge to

UCL’s corporate rebranding has attracted a lot of attention in recent months.Now you can read exclusive information from those responsible...

Mr Chatterbox

Senior figure confirms £600k priceAcademic grumbling over rebrand

UCL management shocked at ideaof including studentsplc

The Provost with (clockwise from top) the crests of KCL, Imperial, Cambridge and Oxford. UCLhas none, and the new logo certainly sets it apart.

UCL in the fight for researchgrants. UCL is currently stoodat 25th place in the 2004/05 in-ternational league table they use(one place behind Imperial Col-lege) and it is Professor Grant’sambition to replace Oxbridgeas Britain’s premier. Howeveralarm bells have begun to ringat all levels of the universitywith regard to what is seen asthe “marketisation and corpo-ratisation” of UCL, in prefer-ence to what was seen as theprevious prestige logo and im-age which relied upon the col-lege’s history and founding phi-losophy.

One student commentedthat it was a shame that Mal-colm Grant had forgotten (orignored) the Harvard academ-ic and aesthete Professor ElaineScarry’s comment that “a uni-versity is among the preciousthings that can be destroyed”,and expressed a worry that thenew logo was purely designedto appeal to win researchgrants rather than appeal to thebrightest and best of UK stu-dents.

Sources tell us there isconsiderable grumblingamongst the college academic

staff about many of the pro-posed changes; grumblingwhich certainly surfaced at the2005 graduation dinner forhonorary graduates. There wasan expressed sense within thecollege that its soul has beenquietly wrestled away fromthem but little political will totake on of another Provost af-ter such a short tenure. Manyacademics were particularlyangry because they perceivedthat ‘UCL plc’ feels such littleregard for the college that theyregard its very name, whichreflects the fact they we werethe founding college of theUniversity of London, as an“historical inconvenience”: afact confirmed by the commu-nications team which explainedthat University College Londonwas a title confusing to poten-tial American students and in-vestors, who did not knowwhether UCL was a universityor college. Hence the fact thatfrom now on the college willbe referred to purely as UCL –which, as John Sutherlandpoints out, is often thought tostand for the University of Cen-tral London.

The decision itself on the

final branding was made by theProvost and his managementteam with what could be seenas perfunctory liaison with stu-dents and even less with alum-ni of the university. Shocking-ly even those with a vested in-terest in UCL’s brand, such asUCL Union, were not consult-ed in any meaningful sense andits officers were left angry bythe fact the lack of consultation.They were presented, TheCheese Grater has learned, witha done deal like the rest of thestudent body and forced to ac-quiesce.

Our sources within thedevelopment office have in-formed us that during the proc-ess of re-branding, roughly 800self-selected students participat-ed in an online consultation;over 1,500 alumni were alsoinvolved; the Union SabbaticalOfficers were also consulted.They were shown a variety oflogos, all of which looked fair-ly similar to each other. TheCheese Grater has found noevidence to suggest that anymethodology was used toweight the result in orderequally represent each depart-ment or faculty. Furthermore,

Development and Corporate Communications Development and CorporateCommunications Develop- ment and Corporate Communications De-velopment and Corporate Communications Development and Cor-porate Communications De- velopment and Corporate Communica-tions Development and Cor- porate Communications Developmenta n d Corporate Commu- nications Develop-

ment and Corporate CommunicationsDevelopment and

Co rpo -rateCom-

munications De- velop- men tand Cor- porate Commu- nicat ions Develop-ment and Corporate Com- munications Developmentand Corporate Communica- tions Development andCorporate Communications Development and Corpo-rate Communications Devel- opment and CorporateCommunications Development and Corporate Communications

Special report


Alternative UCL campaign launched

A UCL undergraduatehas challenged Provost Mal-colm Grant’s Campaign forUCL – and the rebranding andrestructuring of College now inprogress – by launching an ‘Al-ternative Campaign for UCL’.

Graham Kirby said hewas launching the campaignbecause he disagreed profound-ly with the direction of UCL’sfuture and he wanted to givestudents the power to help de-termine it. “As top-up fees arebeing introduced, students arebeing seen increasingly as stake-holders. All our reputations lieon the successful prestige ofUCL. However, while we havethe most to lose, we are givenno say in UCL’s future”.

Kirby is particularly un-happy about the new UCL logo– already mocked by the AUTand London Student - and theProvost’s lack of accountabili-ty. Explaining his aims, he said:“At the core of the campaign isasking the Provost to reconsid-

er his decision to rebrand theCollege; asking him to meetstudents and present his ideas,and put them forward for dem-ocratic discussion”. He object-ed to the “corporate manage-ment spirit” of the new logo,concerns also reflected in ourarticle on the subject in this is-sue.

Kirby, 27, a third-yearpolitics student at SSEES, ap-pears to have a small follow-

ing at the moment, but his plansare big: he wants to ask theProvost to reconsider his deci-sion to rebrand College; askhim to meet students andpresent their ideas, including anew logo (bottle of Bollingerchampagne for the winner); andput them forward for democrat-ic discussion – taking poweraway from the Provost.

Kirby did not shy away

from the last point: “Scottishuniversities have elected fig-ures, elected by the students andgraduates, who have an influ-ential role in decisions, and I’mcalling on UCL to adopt thesame role”. Challenged that hedidn’t know what he was talk-ing about, he admitted: “OK,the Provost does know moreabout higher education; how-ever, what I’m asking is for theProvost to treat us like adults,with all the facts before us.”

Kirby insisted that stu-dents would be encouraged toparticipate in the campaignsince their careers were atstake. “Every one of us will have‘UCL’ next to our names for therest of their lives. That can ei-ther be a millstone – if we’reapathetic – or a blessing.” Hewas anxious to present himselfas a friend to the Provost andpraised the Campaign for UCLfor its ambition, but finishedwith an appeal: “One can’tmake decisions from an ivorytower. If the Provost has confi-dence in his ideas, let himcome forward and debatethem.” RL

UCL undergraduate challeges Provost to rethink UCL’s future, scrap thenew logo, devolve power and even listen to students...

Exclusive

Graham Kirby

they admit, this was justto identify the problem ratherthan find a solution. More ex-tensive research was conduct-ed with external bodies ratherthan students or potential stu-

dents, a decision based on bothcost and the fact that UCL is a“research-led institution”, notprimarily an educational estab-lishment. One angry student in-volved in the process describedit as a “disgraceful sham de-signed to cover the college’sback”. When questioned Pur-bah Choudhury, UCL’s deputydirector of corporate commu-nications, found the idea thatstudents themselves should beinvolved in the decision ofwhich brand image to select“extraordinary”.

However the researchamongst students revealed thatthe student body and the col-lege agreed upon the problem:that UCL does not have an iden-tity at home and abroad thatcan match Oxford and Cam-bridge or even Imperial andLSE. Moreover the trouble isthat while UCL wants to com-pete with those universities itis perceived as competing withlesser universities such as Bris-

tol and Warwick because theirreputations are over-estimatedwhile UCL’s is underestimated.However looking at both UCL’sreal and perceived competitors,the majority have gone for a“modern prestige” logo whichcombines both modernity witha sense of prestige. UnlikeUCL.

The communicationsteam have claimed that whilerebranding they faced a diffi-culty in that unlike many otherold universities, they had nocrest upon which to base a fu-ture logo. They did, however,have UCL’s founding motto,‘cuncti adsint meritaeque ex-pectent praemia palmae’ (‘letall come and receive the rewardof victory and merit*’). Appar-ently this meant nothing tothem.

Meanwhile the fact thatUCL’s new logo has opened upthe college to ridicule and talkof crisis, has angered manyUCL students, aggravated since

much of this mockery hascome from King’s College (an-other perceived competitor)and London Student. Indeedrecently one or two graduatesexpressed doubts as to wheth-er they would support UCLFriends, the previously success-ful alumni fundraising pro-gramme, based on what wasseen as the new ‘UCL plc’ im-age.

Previous Provosts havegot into trouble when they havetried to rebrand the college andProfessor Grant was no doubtaware of this when he bravelywent about the process. How-ever he thought that his re-branding solution would settleUCL’s future, The Cheese Grat-er is afraid that he is very muchmistaken.

Watch this space for fur-ther information on the newUCL

*Vergil, Aeneid book 5,line 70.

The Campaign for UCLbanners in autumn 2004,

with what now looks like aninterim UCL logo


CheeseGraterAward forJoined-upJournalism

“I wasn’t surprised when,at my first NEC meeting...theAlliance for Workers’ Libertylaunched their attack on NUSPresident Kat Fletcher”.

(Jamal El-Shayyal, Lon-don Student, 20th September)

“I was also astonished bythe AWL’s attack on NUS Pres-ident Kat Fletcher”.

(Jamal El-Shayyal, Lon-don Student, 20th September,24 lines down on the samepage)

Tragedy at Campbell HouseHall residents speak out on Steven MacDonald’s death earlier this year

Deceased’s roomnow inhabited

Resident attacksmanagement’s

‘disgraceful’ conduct

Nigel Hunckleby

THE HORROR of newstudents at the quality of thebathrooms, the kitchen wildlifeand the leaky ceilings in Camp-bell House East was overshad-owed last month by somethingfar more shocking. Details wererevealed through an article inLondon Student, which resi-dents plastered on doorsthroughout the house. This wasthe first confirmed informationabout the death in CampbellHouse East of mature studentSteve McDonald in June. Ru-mours had been circulating,but no official information hadbeen released by either UCL orthe Campbell House manage-ment.

The management appar-ently thought that this was amatter of too little importanceto be communicated to the cur-rent inhabitants of CampbellHouse East, especially the oneswho have to live in his roomless than three months after hedied there. The managementare a miracle of judgement: theyhave even less faith in the in-vestigative powers of LondonStudent journalists than theydeserve (the article let off themanagement lightly, and namedsomeone who wished not tobe), but even they forgot aboutthe astounding power of inter-college gossip. In order to getrid of the misinformation thathas been circulating by gossipor the London Student article,former inhabitants of CampbellHouse East and some othersources who prefer to remainanonymous provided TheCheese Grater with the follow-ing facts.

At the start of the firstterm, MacDonald, 44, takinga BSc degree in palaeobiology,

was acting oddly. He was hos-tile at times, made other stu-dents feel uncomfortable, andseveral inhabitants complainedabout his behaviour to the man-agement. However, his behav-iour took a turn for the worsearound Christmas: he stoppedattending lectures, stoppedwashing and eating, was seendrunk regularly in the halls, andwas sick in the toilets. Accord-ing to several accounts, his skinactually acquired a green hue,and concern started to spread.The management forwarded thecase to the Dean of Students,Professor John Foreman..

What happened next isunclear. On being asked whatwas going on, the halls man-agement said it was in theDean’s hands; according to aresident who spoke to them, ahalls manager said she’d report-ed it to the Dean and that hedid not look too concerned. Wewere not able to check this withCampbell House managementas they refused to comment.Despite his increasingly diffi-cult conduct, the managementrefrained from contacting thepolice. MacDonald was lastseen around a week and a halfbefore term ended. By this timea strong smell was coming fromthe basement. The cleaners hadthough this was due to largeamounts of rubbish, but afterclearing it away, it did not go.The cleaners carried on as be-

fore. On July 10th, after theterm had ended, the door of hisroom was finally, which itsopener regretted as they discov-ered what lay behind it. What-ever it looked like, CampbellHouse is frequented by rats.According to a police report leftlying on a halls windowsill hisis being treated as a ‘suddendeath’, possibly of a heart at-tack caused by alcohol abuse.

Since then, no officialstatements have been madeabout it; no-one in CampbellHouse East has been told any-thing about it by the manage-ment; no-one has asked theDean about his handling of thecase, with whom the welfarebuck stops; no press articleshave been published except inLondon Student and as fromtoday, The Cheese Grater. Thisdeep and unanimous silence ispeculiar, since the media wouldbe the first to pick up on any-thing even remotely resemblinga scandal. It is difficult to es-cape feelings of a cover-up.

Asked about the events,The Dean of Students repeatedhis response to London Stu-dent: “I have prepared a fullreport on the circumstancesrelating to the death of MrMacDonald for the Provost. Acopy was also sent to the Cor-oner.” He stated that the causeof death was not yet known,and insisted that “Several wel-fare support agencies were in-

volved and made strenuous ef-forts to provide assistance toMr MacDonald, includingme.” In declining to commentfurther, he stated that the per-sonal issues relating to McDon-ald are confidential.

.Whatever did happen toSteven MacDonald, a remark-able wall of silence has pre-dominated at Campbell Housesince June. The halls manage-ment are meant to keep hisroom empty but have re-occu-pied the room as though noth-ing had happened. Their resi-dents, however, are unlikely toforget in a hurry.

UCL’s Campbell House East in Taviton Street, WC1, where MacDonald’s body was found


Provost’s ex-moustache aforce for good in the worldWhatever happened to the Provost’s moustache after it was shaved off on11 March 2005? Rusty Wood narrates a tale of unwanted hair made good

IT’S NOT EASY movingout, especially not after 33years of living on the face ofsome really famous guy. Manyfind the experience extremelytough and find themselves deal-ing with it in ways they thoughtthey never would. But, asMalcolm Grant’s ex-mous-tache has shown, it doesn’thave to be the end of things.

“At first I felt very lonely.

At night there was no rhythmof snoring interspersed with thephlegm filled splutters of amiddle-aged man. It was justquiet, and very cold.”

M, as he likes to beknown, initially turned to themore hedonistic ways of life inorder to come to terms with hisloss. “I thought I’d seen a loton Malc’s face, but it turns outthere’s much more interestingthings in this world. I thinkI’ve done every massage parlourin North London. I had a tabat Spearmint Rhino, too. Butthen, I woke up one day andlooked in the mirror and I sawwhat I looked like. Untended,increasingly grey, straggly bitseverywhere. I felt like I’d leteveryone down, including my-self. And I said to myself “no,I’m not going to grow out mydays like this”. Since then, I’vebeen a changed tache.”

The turnaround couldn’thave happened without a help-ing bristle or two, though. “I’min love”, M says, sharing amoment with his new found

partner. “I met her in the UCLShop, on the woman who runsit and gets pissed off if you turnup at the wrong time for aninternet connection voucher.But I liked that fight, it’s a signof virility, you know”.

Since then, M and hispartner have travelled theworld trying to help other tach-es with the transition from faceto independence. “It was acause very close to us, havingboth been recently made home-less, and we wondered howother taches were coping. Wewere lucky we found each oth-er, but what if others aren’t aslucky as us? It’s hard to copewithout any ‘Just For Men’ col-ouring, you see yourself as whoyou really are. And sometimesyou don’t like that. But, youknow, just being there to lis-ten, or giving a little brush canreally make a difference to peo-ple’s lives. Especially to themuffs, they find it really hard.I’m a little surprised they don’talready have a support networkbecause they’re the highest pro-

portion of skinless hairsaround. Women think thatonce it’s down the drainpipe it’sall over, but it isn’t. And wehave to pick up the Veet-coat-ed strands.”

M’s support networkisn’t just limited to hairs,though. “A group of us wentto New Orleans to help plugthe gap in the levees. FEMA[the Federal Emergency Man-agement Agency] was verygrateful. But now they seemto have it under control, we’regoing to head off to Pakistan tohelp with the search. Our bris-tles can be very sensitive sowe’ve found that emergencyworkers are really keen for usto come on board. We’re light,too, so we don’t crush any ba-bies or anything. Ha ha, onlyjoking.”

If you know any hairswho are struggling to come toterms with shaven emancipa-tion, or are yourself trying todeal with it, please contact theTache Support Network’s 24hour hairline on 08975 S-K-I-N-L-E-S-S.

‘I think you know we askedyou to comMIT suicide’.

‘I’m sorry darling, but eventhough you killed Daddy

with your Xbox, you can’trevive him by starting a new

game’.

The tache enjoying a trip to the Brittish Museum


Mark RavinetWITH THE new term

comes a new schedule of en-tertainment from the ever hard-working officers of UCL Union:sabbatical officers and studentreps alike have used the sum-mer break to produce a pro-gramme of themed events toentice even the most hardenedfresher.

Despite suffering the lossof nearly half the capacity ofthe main union building, UCLUstaff endeavoured to secure theWindeyer bar to house the al-cohol-based life consolationhabits of the typical student.Coupled with the loss of sever-al drinking promotions, in par-ticular the demise of Vodka99s, improving the events hasbeen no mean task. HoweverUCLU’s Services and Events of-ficer ‘rolled with the punches’and has cunningly recycled allthe old theme nights from lastyear.

“It took some time tocome up with,” Williamsontold The Cheese Grater in agutter in Crouch End, “but werealised that since none of thefreshers were around last yearthey probably wouldn’t be toobothered.” Indeed, with theroaring success of Chav nightlast year, seeing students from

middle-class backgroundsdressing up to mock those lessfortunate than themselves, themerry sabbatical officer hardlyneeded to conjure up any newthemes. “If it ain’t broke, don’tfix it as they say.” chortledWilliamson. “Chav night wasjust too good not to use again.It was really a good effort allround, some of the fresherslooked just like the real deal,happily blowing their girocheques on cheap booze!”

In an opportunity to fur-ther the extent to which stu-dents can merrily waste Gov-ernment loans, Williamson andhis colleagues have concocteda brand new theme for Mon-days. The first ‘Home Coun-ties’ night at the Windeyer isscheduled for 21st of Novem-ber. “I can’t wait, it’s going tobe a real old boys knees up!”enthused the sabb.

Given the popularity ofpast events, the new themedevening is undoubtedly going tobe as equally outrageous. Al-ready the night is causing a stiramongst UCL students. Alex-ander Tiddlington-Smith, (Phi-losophy II) said, “It’s going tobloody mad mate! I don’t knowwhat to wear though; I wasthinking a rugger shirt and ablazer.”

Patrizia Papitto

UCL Unionannouncesnew themenights

Any resemblance beween this theme nightand last year’s theme night is entirely

coincidental.

This year’s entertainments from your Union are even more imaginativethan usual...


How to pull freshers

Nikolai Morofski“HEY, whats your name?

....Really, that is a cool name,didn’t/did expect that fromsomeone who looks like theyare Indian/Chinese/European/

from Somerset. Where are youfrom?... Woah, well I am notquite from such an exotic place,just Oxford, you know... 50miles away from here... yeahwe don’t do much there, thereis a kebab van on Saturday forwhen the pubs shut but apartfrom that... well yeah it usedto have some industry but nowit’s all university, you’re right...

yeah all my friends that wentthere have become tosspotstoo, I agree... I know weshould have got in... it’s ashame.. a travesty one mightsay... so what are you doing?...wooaaaoh.. well you are cer-tainly sorted out with a job af-ter that... I mean at least youknow where you are going...Oh I am just doing philoso-phy... 3rd year.. yeah still don’t

know what I want to do withit... thing is with philosophyyou can do anything... and yetyou have nothing to do... soconsider yourself lucky, it mayseem hard... but at least... you

know, KPMG will be interest-ed in you after you graduate...

[pause]That’s a nice hat... yeah

what is it with hats these days,everyone is wearing them...Niklas.. you met him right,says Topshop is doing those...oh you got it from Topshop did

Jaded impoverished finalists! Have no fear! This tried and tested chat-uproutine will have the fresh meat leaping out of their stupid fucking hats...

you... GREAT STORE....yeah... really... really... really...unpretentious...

So, what was yournumber again?

Oh.

StudentStudentStudentStudentStudent

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BarsUgg Bar

28 Notting Hill Gate, LondonW9 4EE 020 7925 6001 Web:www.uggerbugger.com/good-nightout Open 6pm - 12am

Mon-Sat.

If you are ugly and have theconversational skills of a tum-ble drier, this bar is where youshould be. It is dark, the musicis loud, and the drinks all havea high alcohol content. After11pm those who are faciallychallenged but compensate withhumour will also be admitted.

Partially funded by the WBYNS(We are Beautiful You are NotSociety) and GQ magazine aspart of their ‘Clean Up OurStreets’ initiative, The Ugg Barprovides a haven for like-facedpeople to go and be ugly togeth-er without upsetting those morefortunate. It also provides reliefon the streets of London wherethe beautiful people will be ableto go out on a Friday night andnot be chatted up by the shortguy with bad teeth. You mayspot what the bar has deemedits “Honorary Uggs” who in-

clude Chris Evans, Rick Waller,Bruce Forsyth and JodieMarsh.

Remember your ID – thebouncers have been briefed notto take your ugliness at facevalue. Students will need toshow their ID card (this pro-vides as a good indication ofyour true appearance as youblatantly forgot it was pictureday when you turned up forenrolment).

We give this 4 paper bags outof 5. It seems like a good ideafor all ugly people. And anyway,why do you think you can af-ford to be so picky anyway? Ifyou don’t like this place I sup-pose there’s always your roomwith the curtains closed.

Cinema

Nothing by Friedrich VonTrapp

Museum of Moving Image,South Bank complex, SE1 8XTWeb: www.bfi.orgy.net/museum.Embankment/Waterloo Tube.FREE admission. UntilNovember 8th

After leaving the Von Trappfamily singers due to heavyketamine usage on the tourbus,Friedrich turned his hand tofilmmaking. Specialising in notactually using any video insidehis video recorder, Von Trapp’swork emphasises the temporalnature of moving image media.This, combined with thevacuous state of his mind, leadsto some unexpected results.

Please note: For those whocannot locate the Museum ofMoving Image, or get thereonly to disover it was closed in1999, Nothing will be projectedonto the side of the NationalFilm Theatre, every Monday,5pm-1am.

The side of the National FilmTheatre on the South Bank,with Nothing projected ontoit. (See Cinema)

compiled by Eva von Datta and Hannah Hudson


Claude McNabCOULD A modern stu-

dent spend hours in a feverishstate, in thin clothes, lying ona sofa in a dark, dank, poorlyfurnished room, turning over intheir mind some vague half-formed ideas about lice andNapoleon? Could they thenplan and execute the bloodymurder of a mean pawnbrokerand moneylender? Would theyuse an axe? Could they thenundergo a conversion experi-ence under the influence of abeautiful but delicate girl calledSofia?

Isn’t it a shame that theycouldn’t?

The historian ArnoldToynbee claimed that condi-tions of “ease” hinder the de-velopment of civilisation. Thethesis has been widely criti-cised, but when it comes to cre-ativity he might have had apoint, even if he never realisedit. How many great writers,intellectuals and artists havespent their intellectual forma-tive years getting pissed? Sev-eral, perhaps, but they all didit in the spirit of genuine wan-ton self-destruction which is initself a form of artistic expres-sion, and which is sadly rare

nowadays.You see, modern students

have it far too easy. Instead ofworrying about whether theyhave enough money to pay theirmonths-overdue rent to theirevil landlady without pawningtheir last possession apart fromtheir threadbare winter coat,they worry about whether theycan afford to get pissed tonight.And they always “can,” evenwhen they can’t. When they goout, they go out together ingroups of friends, socialisingand engaging in such frivolousactivities as having fun and re-laxing. The Nietzschean super-student on the other hand “goesout” in the following manner.

i) Wanders out of sub-sub-let room without puttingon coat (despite cold air andweak chest), because in fever-ish daze.

ii) Walks down streets ofEuropean city, without notic-ing where he is going.

iii) Enters dingy barwhere various archetypal lowlives are assembled.

iv) Spends last penny/cen-time/kopek/pfennig/forint ondrink.

v) Engages in conversa-tion with one of aforemen-tioned low lives. This will il-luminate some aspect of stu-dent’s life, art or thought.

etc.I do not necessarily en-

dorse Raskolnikov’s particular-ly homicidal brand of nihilism.However, it does occur to methat, unlike Dostoevsky’s mostfamous protagonist, modernstudents fall sadly short of thestandards demanded of theuberkursteilnehmer (super-stu-dent) by Nietzsche in his clas-sic work on the subject, Kampfund die Kursteilnehmer.

Why go the pub, drinktoo much, and fall over, whenyou can follow in the footstepsof the great, and step-over?

Starting thisissue, our round-up ofless well-known cluband society activity...

“UCL STUDENT be-haves like drunken publicschoolboy” is right up therewith “Bear shits in woods” innews terms. However, it’sworth reporting , as it seemsto be the European Society’sidea of attracting new mem-bers. On their pub crawl onWednesday 5th October, vice-president Rod Mamudi and afriend of his accosted a fresherand proceeded to grope vari-ous parts of her body. Theythen looked shocked when herfriend called them a pair ofcunts, put her drink down andleft.

Heard of Pirate Soc? No?Fair enough, it doesn’t exist.But they tried, albeit badly.Formed by some intrepid ex-Ramsay Hall inmates, they de-cided it would be fun to go onpub crawls dressed as pirates,and...er...that’s it. Having ut-terly mistunderstood how toform a society, they hungaround at Freshers’ Fayre try-ing to get signatures before be-ing thrown out by security.

Undaunted, they heldtheir first meeting. One exhibitturned up and said somethinglike, ‘Oh, i just went to thefirst Conservative Society meet-ing dressed as a pirate, theythought it was odd, haw hawhaw...’ He proceeded to getrat-arsed, get his cock out andurinate while wandering downthe Euston Road, with a pro-cession of pirate devotees be-hind him.

Hold on to your mem-bers, Lacrosse Club!

Send your gossip toc h e e s e _ g r a t e r _ m a g a z i n [email protected]. All infor-mation treated in confidence.

bird <www.angelfire.com/nd2/bird>

Kampf und dieKursteilnehmer

What is wrongwith today’sstudents?

SocietyBitch


You’ve heard them live on 87.7 FMThey’re no worse live on www.rarefm.co.uk

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Wake with Sam Steddy! Lunch with Kat Lay! Die withEd Jefferson!

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ON PAGE 4: How molestation killingsaffect petrol prices: full analysis

Joy: The Pitcairns celebrate the anniversary of their leaving Melbourne, andsuccess in providing us with another photo utterly unrelated to the article.

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