ch06 a adultery with its pabts down

Adultery

With Its Pants Down Chapter 6

Why Society’s Classic

Approaches Are

Rigged to Fail

Classic Voodoo Cures

Doomed to Fail ... Doomed to Hurt

Society begins by making false assumptions.

We got a small

mistake here –

a traffic affair.

A wake-up call

for the

uncaring

inattentive

passengers.

Looks like we

gotta look for

causes. Maybe a

careless passenger

was talking too

loud and that

rattled the driver

whose needs

were not being

met.


Society jumps to conclusions by using words

that frame the issue and smuggle in bias:

◦ The faithful partner got a “wake-up call”

◦ Lets search for “causes”

◦ It was a small “mistake” that we must put

behind us quickly with forgiveness

◦ It is called a “love affair” with a “lover”

◦ A faithful spouse is just feeling rejected - not a

victim of a callous deceitful social predator


The basic error is that we all act as if “the

faithful partner got a wake-up call” – all he got

was unfair hurt and a pack of false blame – do

rape victims get a “wake up call” too?

Actually the cheater got the wake-up call

when busted

◦ His delusion of being able to successfully

manipulate and lie has crashed down

◦ His self-absorbed conniving program of leading two

lives has crashed


But we are hypocrites and immediately set up

a the fruitless search for causes which quickly

turns into a search for reasons that are

excuses and place blame against the victim

We make the victim use words that are sugary

or self-blaming and grossly in error

We want to use these nice words too no

matter what twist of a knife and gagging they

give to the victim

We are doomed if we use names that help the cover up

Let’s Use Real Names

The OP or Outside Person, Betrayal

Buddy, Home Wrecker (not “lover”)

The CP or Cheating Partner, Predator

The FP or Faithful Partner

Puke at all the false names of Hollywood

◦ Love Affair = Cheating, Betrayal, Spouse-

Dumping

◦ Jealous = watchful, now alert

We are doomed if we use names that help the cover up

Let’s Use Real Names

He is having a love affair, he has a lover

He has turned on his family, he is off visiting with his betrayal buddy instead

He is betraying his faithful family and is screwing around again

He is unfaithful and deliberately causing pain and anguish to his loving wife

He is turned against his family so he can go cavorting and sneak off with an outsider

Let’s Use Real Facts

Both parties are responsible for the cheating

The choice was made by the cheater

No input from the faithful partner – the cheater schemed and was adept at hiding it in fact

Whatever the prior extraneous circumstances, nothing there inexorably leads to cheating as a “solution”

He became an unsupportive pestering nitpicking fault-finder and stopped trying to solve issues, clawing at the relationship

When busted, the cheater just got meaner

Doomed Start ... Doomed Cure

Society begins by misstating the problem, then

comes up with a doomed cure.

There’s a way

in counselling

to make those

passengers pay

more

attention.

They gotta get over this

affair and move on –

start by forgiving the bus

company and drunk bus

driver, then take anger

management. Ask the

driver what they did

wrong and make the

changes that he suggests.

Face up to their part in

not meeting his needs.

Yup. The vindictive failed passengers are

starting to discuss a just settlement.

They are still bitter and unforgiving.

The Classic Cure

No More Ugly Talk

Search for Reasons

Don’t Be Judgemental

Accept Shared Responsibility

No Bitterness

Stop Jealousy

Accept Word of

Confessing Cheater

Reconcile Welcome

and Protect

Forgiveness only way to Heal

Get Marriage Counselling

The Adultery Cure Sounds Good

Healing Menu

√ Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill

Will

√ Look For Causes by Asking The Cheater Why

√ Do Not Be Judgemental – Truth Is Relative


Healing Menu

√ Eliminate Unpleasant Talk and Expressions of Ill Will



√ Realize that Both Parties Share Responsibility

√ Reduce Ill Will Through Forgiveness


Healing Menu






√ Stop Jealousy and Mistrust

√ Accept the Confessing Spouse


Healing Menu






√ Stop Jealousy and Mistrust

√ Accept the Confessing Spouse

√ Protect The Adulterer From a Vindictive Spouse

√ Heal through Forgiveness - The Only Way Out

√ Get Marriage Counselling

Why Does This Not Work?

1. It’s Just Loaded Words that Feel Good

◦ In practice, they mean quite different things to

each person

◦ They carry a load of baggage and harm

Jealousy – Wary? Bullying? Envy? Watchful? Protective?

Forgiveness – Forget? Reconciliation? Response to Remorse?

If we don’t clarify, we are not really saying anything

concrete. We are just using very slippery and

empty code words.

Why Does This Not Work?

2. It gives the mike to happy talk and to

the Cheater (CP)

◦ And gags the faithful partner (FP)

3. All the agenda becomes one-sided very

fast – after all ... It’s all about ... What is

the FP doing to answer the wake-up

call? If we use the Classic Adultery Cure, we quickly

place all the burden on the FP, and let the CP start

making demands again.

It Does Not Work Because

It Is Really Something Else

All the feel-good names of the “cures”

need to be translated from psycho-babble

into plain talk

Here’s what the Classic Adultery Cure

really is when you strip off the psych

jargon and code words ...

Remember The Classic Cure?

No More Ugly Talk

Search for Reasons

Don’t Be Judgemental

Accept Shared Responsibility

No Bitterness

Stop Jealousy

Accept Word of

Confessing Cheater

Reconcile Welcome

and Protect

Forgiveness only way to Heal

Get Marriage Counselling

The Classic Cure

Unmasked

No More Reality Talk

Search for Excuses

Don’t Be Just

Delusions of Shared Responsibility

Issue a Free Pass for Adulterer

Do Not Admit Harm

Smear Spouse as Jealous

Accept Word of

Lying Cheater Take Sides with Cheater

Blame the Faithful Spouse

Quick Forgiveness or Else

Casting Call for

Marriage Clownselling’s

Drama Queen

The One-Size Adultery Prescription

Is Doomed to Fail & Hurt Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients

√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut

Up

Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive

√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug

Rage

Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger

√ Let the Lies Go Rolling Along Partial Lies. Vicious Lies ... They’re As Good As True



√ Tell the FP to Chill & Shut Up Hush, Hush you judgemental obsessive

√ Put up with Chutzpah and Drug Rage Let the cheater express his inner needs and anger


√ Join In And Kick the Prey It’s Partly Your Fault - You Are Over Sensitive

It’s All Your Fault – You Should have Known

It’s Nobody’s Fault - It Is A Failed Marriage

√ Forgiveness Needed Right

Now

Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it –

Just let them off the hook quick or you’re a hater









√ Forgiveness Needed Right Now Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it –


√ Hate that Jealousy Because it’s hateful to be jealous, but not hateful to throw

around the false accusation of jealousy

√ Any Confession Will Do Take it at face value – a lying face is just as good









√ Forgiveness Needed Right Now Whatever that means, big or small, no healing without it –


√ Hate that Jealousy Because it’s hateful to be jealous, but not hateful to throw

around the false accusation of jealousy

√ Any Confession Will Do Take it at face value – a lying face is just as good

√ Be Like Jesus and The

Adulterous Woman – Misquoted

to Take sides

Excerpts from the faith stories to accept the faithless -

as if they confessed & repented - Go and sin some more

√ Do Christian-like Forgiveness Pressure and Blame the FP to unconditionally drop his

blame – as well as his security and common sense

√ Get Marriage Counselling A Stage Play for Cheaters – (The Envelope Please)

MESSAGE TO THE FAITHFUL PARTNER:

CHILL DOWN, SHUT UP, PISS OFF

Cheaters Rule!! Yeah!!

Magic Healing Menu Important Medicinal Ingredients


Instead of fairness and compassion, society takes sides

on a tilted table with a crooked cue and wobbly billiard balls

The Doomed Ways

Knowing that this harm is driven by secrecy and

lies, we still insist that the injured party

shuts up and talk in code and use self-

blaming words (The Hush-hush

Conspiracy)

We use false sugary words for acts of harm

We use no-fault words for acts of one party

We pretend that half-truths are not lies

We let the predator blame the prey

The Doomed Ways

We frame the issues as in a biased pro-adultery Hollywood plot. With this set of lies we line up with the oppressor. This causes additional needless:

◦ Hurt: We give a fresh twist of the knife to the prey with our words

◦ Shock: We disempower and gag the prey

◦ Alienation: denying fairness, withdrawing protection and withholding justice for the prey

We Flee From Facts of The Issue

We frame the issues as in a biased pro-adultery Hollywood plot. With this set of lies we line up with the oppressor. This causes additional needless:

◦ Hurt: We give a fresh twist of the knife to the prey with our words

◦ Shock: We disempower and gag the prey

◦ Alienation: denying fairness, withdrawing protection and withholding justice for the prey

Our Upside-Down World

The target of the predator is its prey, but we never call it that

Predators include rapists, con artists, thieves, scam makers, sadists, adulterers, and muggers

We would be nuts to tell a mugging victim to be more understanding, don’t use blunt language, get over it, let the mugger run loose, make changes, learn from the mugger, take anger management to relate better to muggers, and that she was a “failed” urban traveller

But a predatory adulterer appreciates your selling out by telling that bull-roar to his prey

The Core of

All The Doomed Ways The target of the predator is its prey, but we

never call it that

Predators include rapists, con artists, thieves, scam makers, sadists, adulterers, and muggers

We would be nuts to tell a mugging victim to be more understanding, don’t use blunt language, get over it, let the mugger run loose, make changes, learn from the mugger, take anger management to relate better to muggers, and that she was a “failed” urban traveller

But a predatory adulterer appreciates your selling out by telling that bull-roar to his prey

Our solution - Gag that F#*@%g FP

The real appalling outcome – disrespecting & disarming the victim

Our social culture and psychology industry like to avoid or “resolve” the unpleasant

We applaud The Charmer predator CP ◦ The glib well-rehearsed CP is pleasant, socially active,

and trades in psycho-babble niceties

We put down The Spoil Sport prey FP ◦ The dark morose FP is not joyful to start with

◦ To make it worse for us, the FP brings up unpleasant topics and uses ugly words

So ...We make the FP shut up about the CP betrayal and manipulation (and kanoodling around), or at least use a nice approved word like “has a lover”

The Cover Story:

Let’s Talk Nice

The Real Message:

Hypocrisy

Okay everybody - Time out

It’s that kind of “ostrich” thinking that helps enable cheaters to do the damage they do. After all, what is more disgusting?

◦ The mere words

◦ The same acts and more - repeated deliberate acts taken in harm, betrayal and stealth , with devastating consequences quickly laughed off

Decency and fairness would stop you from “playing along” with your tut-tut disapproval of words alone

Why blame the FP just for choice of language?

While giving sympathy and a free pass to the CP for the much more blameworthy REAL acts

There Are Thousands of Ways To

Look The Other Way in Cheat City

When is the last time you heard an open honest discussion of adultery as a tragic destructive social predation and personal horror? ◦ In Church or Social clubs or TV dramas or films

◦ At Home with a family, In counselling

◦ At Work

Never

When is the last time your children and friends were exposed to Hollywood feel-good adultery excuses, sugary false situations, fairy tales and words like “love affair” and “lover”?

Probably every week ... Or every day.

?

?




◦ At Home with a family

◦ At Work


Never or almost never

?




◦ At Home with a family

◦ At Work


Never or almost never

Probably every week ... Or every day

Hush Hush, Sweet People

What other socially pervasive topic is so skewed and taboo** that we are afraid to speak of it bluntly?

** That’s a bit like screwed and tattooed


What other socially pervasive topic is so skewed and taboo** that we are afraid to speak of it bluntly?

None

** That’s a bit like screwed and tattooed

How To Make The Faithful Partner

Shut Up It starts by looking the other way and using biased

words

If the faithful partner doesn’t use the nice words, just throw these painful sanctimonious preachy accusations at a devastated person in real pain: ◦ Do I detect a small note of self-pity here?

◦ Face it, you failed to meet his needs

◦ You didn’t know about it? That shows how shallow you relationship always was. So you drove him to it.

◦ It does no good being (= You are) bitter and judgemental

◦ Move on already. Get over it. (= You are obsessing)

◦ It is makes it worse to be (= You are) Jealous

◦ You have to forgive or you are blocking recovery and damaging everybody’s future (= You are unforgiving, hateful and stubborn)


What other socially insidious topic is so screwed up that our first instinct is to push at and blame the victim so quickly and callously? None

** That’s a lot like plucked and abandoned

PUT UP WITH

CHEATER’S

CHUTZPAH AND

VICIOUS DRUG RAGE

Let the Cheater Express His Reasons After all, It’s Only the Faithful Partner that Should Shut Up



Visit the Hot Spots in Cheat City

The cheater is all about lies, rage, pain and chutzpah

You buy the flimsiest excuse for a callous predator who creates personal harm

You look the other way

The price: ◦ you are intimidated to tell it like it is

◦ you even alter your thinking to accommodate deliberated repeated harm as a “private matter”

◦ you use nice words to describe the intolerable

Secret Drug Stash in Cheat City

What always happens when you

try to take a drug away

from a substance abuser?

And what is the drug of choice in Cheat City? NOT companionship per se

It’s just a form of self-catering with sex definitely on the menu

Denial ... Rage ... Lies... False Promises...

Blame... Dodging with Excuses...

Proclaiming one’s right to do so ...

Reprisals ... More rage

Map of

Cheat City

Transparent Lies

Nonsense and Irrational Dodges

Exaggerated Cruel Excuses

Wicked False Blame

Self-Absorbed Indulgence

Cruel Pestering

Dumb Excuses

Hypocritical Preaching More Lies

Evasive Answers

Recruiting Idiot Allies

And the drug of choice: NOT companionship per se

self-catering with sex definitely on the menu

Callous and Oblivious

Broken Compassion

There Are Thousands of Lying

Hypocrisies in Cheat City

Let’s just cover some of the more exotic

ones here

Full list available on request

The one I like best is “You’re just jealous. The

condom got into the car when it was being

serviced.”

Come again? What was being serviced?

“Clueless Cold Denial”

The FP gets to hear, right after hearing a ton of lies, evasions, dissemblance, and stories that fail the smell test

◦ CP says: I have never lied to you

◦ CP says: You are the crazy one that is imagining things ◦

CP manufactures instant excuses and stories. They backtrack & make new spin to almost fit new facts as soon as they are caught in old lies

... Even right after they have just been shown evidence

This cold manipulation may be the cheater engaging in behaviours that properly belong to a Personality Disorder (such as Borderline, Narcissism or Compulsive Lying) ... ... ... or maybe just a tormenting cheater protecting the self and the OP from shame they know they feel

Chutzpah Academy Award Time

Recruit The OP Spouse CP expresses need to leave home to “think things

through” (all along blaming the magnified faults attributed to FP as abuse and coldness)

Here’s one true scenario that beggars belief

◦ What irony, it’s the OP’s spouse that drives by to pick up the CP, and provide shelter from the FP

◦ The CP gets to stay for weeks in the same house as the OP and the OP’s spouse and under that family roof gets better chances to kanoodle ** the OP

◦ Then CP goes there to bad-mouth the FP and set the stage for sympathy ** This is a euphemism. The real term is much shorter.

World-class Chutzpah

The Pester and Evade Campaign After all this, crap is dished out day after day ◦ CP pokes away at FP and pesters FP as if the FP still has a full partnership obligation to be

happy and fully contributing to make CP’s life ever better

◦ CP preaches about morality and how some people are too judgemental

◦ CP draws in deluded allies - church friends and family to urge FP to be a better spouse and be more friendly

◦ CP keeps lying, then blames FP for not being a good listener (honestly, isn’t this a choice irony)

◦ CP evades topic that FP needs disclosure on, then holds self as a great listener

Sleep ... Or lack of

Of course, worry and the campaign of lies, pestering, and crazy-making takes a toll on FP’s energy level and sleep

But lack of sleep has another source

When police jail suspects ◦ The guilty sleep better (no longer worrying about being caught)

◦ The innocent can’t sleep (first time shock of being accused of something you did not do and trying to exonerate self)

Likewise, when the cheating is exposed ◦ The guilty sleep better (no longer worrying about being caught)

◦ The innocent can’t sleep (first time shock of being pulled into a house of horrors, and ongoing attempts to do anything to extricate self from it)

Blame ... Or Hypocrisy

Of course, CP’s campaign of lies, pestering, table-turning and crazy-making is sheer pinning blame, and false blame at that

But wait till the FP names the real acts that CP has done, like deceit and manipulation

Get out the crocodile hankies, The CP goes on a “poor me being blamed” binge and accuses the FP of “always blaming me – no wonder I don’t love you any more” Bwa Bwa Bwa

Plan B

What If Pestering and Evading

Doesn’t Shut the FP Up?

Then Lash Out In Anger!

Cheater’s Topsy-Turvy Fury

Is like the Rage of an Addict

To the FP, cheating is the problem,

and he/she is frantic to solve it.

To the CP, that idea looks plain WRONG!

To the CP, cheating is the solution,

and not the problem at all.

(just as drugs are the addict’s “solution”)

CP’s Furious Drug Rage is

Anger Directed At the FP

To the CP, anything that gets between CP and CP’s reward is road kill

This “justifies” any attack based on such twisted logic Furious, fly into rage if reward made harder to obtain

Threaten FP for trying to stop the cheating

Attack physically if need be

Threaten to call cops to restrain FP

Manipulate therapist into getting “anger management” for abusive nasty out-of-control FP

It’s all “fair” – no limits to acts or lies

THERE IS A TIME FOR TRUTH

BUT APPARENTLY A MUCH BIGGER

TIME

FOR LIES

“It all depends what you mean by “lie”. There’s no truth, just various perspectives.”



How Does Cheat Have To

Pay for the New Drug? Lies, Lies and more Lies forever

Full Reward For Part Truth?

Liars’ Slippery Little Helpers

With so much lying, the FP is disoriented, and

needs a reminder that “Team Liar” has helpers

◦ Helpers like... “Serial disclosure” – revealing

only what the current evidence shows, and

filling in all the blanks with horrible

unbelievable lies – or smug evasive silence

Just enough story to almost cover the

evidence already revealed

No disclosure, not at all contrite, not willing

to stop, not at all willing to prove own

worthiness for trust

Full Reward For Part Truth?

Liars’ Slippery Little Helpers

◦The CP seems to defend these lie-

helpers easily because “they are not

really complete lies”

◦DON’T FALL FOR THAT – THESE

ARE ALL JUST LIES

Cheaters lie like an

alcoholic who has to

hide his booze.

Manipulators become

so addicted to lying they

have no second thoughts.

Many ways to manipulate your loved ones

THESE ARE ALL JUST LIES

THESE ARE ALL JUST CRAPPY LIES IN MINK COATS

◦ Evasions ◦ Part-Truths

◦ Withholding

◦ Table turning

◦ Equivocating

◦ Blame it on Insanity

◦ Past-referencing

◦ Judging sincerity

The CP just wants a reward for using part-truths while lying still

No middle ground! If you don’t come clean, you come dirty

A lie is a manipulation - that is always cruel and disrespectful

Here Is Your Lie Detector Checklist Cut It Out For Reference During All Discussions with That Lying Cheat

If you hear this, you are not getting the truth

◦ Evasions, Deflections, Dodge and Weave, story-changing

◦ Vague Part-Truths, White Lies, Protective Lies, “It was way

in the past”

◦ Withholding Key Facts, cover-up, making it difficult to follow

up, “forgetting” while recalling self-excuses in detail

◦ Table turning Questions “What are you asking?”, “What is

Truth?”, “Be specific”, “Your truth ? What about my truth”

“You are just jealous”, “What do you mean by sex?”

◦ Equivocating, placing limits on the question with false

qualifiers, “I was at Bill’s on Friday” – (yeah, amongst other

things) “I didn’t even see Sue when you said I did”

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Here Is Your Lie Detector Checklist Cut It Out For Reference During All Discussions with That Lying Cheat

If you hear this, you are not getting the truth

◦ Blame it on Insanity: “You need treatment” “You are paranoid”,

◦ Past-referencing : No direct answer, just “I already told you” “Why are you asking again” “you already heard the truth”, “You just wanted to hear your version of the truth” “I don’t remember (exactly)”

◦ Judging sincerity: “You don’t really want to listen to the truth” “I already said no, you won’t listen” “Why don’t you ask what you really want to know”

◦ Dodging means not offering facts, just generalities and irrelevant details. “What issue are you talking about?” “What wrong – who was wronged?” and make you hurt to ask: “Be specific” “How do you define sex?” “What do you mean by ‘did it?’ Admit what ‘it’?”

Each Brazen Lie Is A Fresh Shock

Yes, the faithful partner actually spent years in total trust of this person

The FP is stunned to her that this trusted intimate person is so cheeky to continue with a nasty performance that make him out - not just as untrustworthy, but he cold-heartedly casts aside and wriggles out of his golden opportunity to come clean ◦ This is alarming and reinforces that the slime-bag

is willfully sabotaging any hope of reconciliation or forgiveness or even a decent truthful talk

◦ This lying shows less respect than would be given to a total stranger who asks for the time of day

Each Brazen Lie Is

A Fresh Pain Yes, the faithful partner actually spent

years in total trust of this person - this

only made it easier to manipulate deceive

and betray her as it turns out

The FP is stunned – because her love and

trust is shattered - but the back-stabbing

CP couldn’t care less

The FP is in agony – because only a

genuine but betrayed love can cause such

deep pain - but the rat couldn’t care less

Each Lie Is An Eye-opener

THAT’S RIGHT Mister Cheater, you are not the same person you were when you earned trust and had real love ◦ The FP believed in you so much and looked up to you

THAT’S RIGHT you are not even the same person you were pretending to be in order to manipulate and to deceive the FP into thinking you deserved continued trust and had real love ◦ Until you were busted, the FP believed in you so much and

looked up to you while you were cheating and betraying

Each lie reveals the new you – a rat in angel’s clothing. You have had months to get used to being a cheap cruel liar. The FP has only moments to react in horror to learn what you have really become.

The Lying Script Goes into Endless

Re-Runs This is not just a one-time act that is

retracted in the sober light of a new day,

when the CP reconsiders the huge

damage done and the true worth of the

broken-hearted FP

No. No. 1000 times no! This failed stage

play runs for weeks, months, years.

No matter what the FP says or does, the

new true rat thinks it’s okay to tell the

most rotten cruel and clumsy lies

Why All The Damn Lies?

They are caught in their own trap

They are squirming to get loose

They will do anything other than admit the plain truth to themselves about their disgusting deeds (and I don’t mean the sex)

They are so deep in lies that they can’t seem find the moral gumption to tunnel out and face reality

They are not yet ready to handle the dirty pit they have dug for themselves, and the dirty pig they have become

Their blind spot covers just about everything

You see it again and again in every case that hits the papers

The amazing part is they are stupid enough to think it fools anybody – it’s all incredible shits not even believed by half-wits

The First

Un-be-lie-va-ble Words

Out of their Lying Lips

Hugh Grant Slams Story Claiming He Paid for Sex

Tiger Woods denies cheating

Bill Clinton denies sex with Monica

Arnold Schwarzenegger denies cheating

John Edwards denies cheating, and pays aide to claim child as his

Gary Hart denies cheating, and dares the press to follow him

Eliot Spitzer denies sleeping with hooker

You next door neighbour denies cheating

Why? Are They All That Stupid?

Yup. Because they have been lying all along

They got away with it up to now – you

fell for it so far

They actually think people will fall for

their stupid lies again

Are They All That Nervy? You bet. In their minds ... They don’t owe

you – or anybody – the truth

Because third parties have covered for

them, believed, and colluded with them

Because they are above accountability

because cheaters have a “free pass”

What is Our Classic Cure for Lies?

We let them continue lying

We never call them out

We pretend that the CP “has a point” and must express his “point of view”

In fact we usually

◦ Cover for him (“he was at the office”), or

◦ Go along with him (“Maybe you should listen to when CP has to say; you may learn something”)

◦ Enter the twilight zone (“There’s no truth, just different truths”)

JOIN IN AND

KICK THE PREY

MAKE THE FP

SHARE THE BLAME

IT’S NOT LIKE IT IS JUDGEMENTAL TO DO SO

Why should the cheater have all the fun lying?





Let’s Just

“Bayonet The Injured”

Society is looking for any way not to

blame the cheater

The cheater has lots of fault-finding to

excuse himself and blame the faithful

partner

The Solution: Shift the blame - – what’s

better than to let the FP take more

blame?

Kick them when they are down and lay

blame on the wounded

Let’s Just

“Bayonet The Injured”

Do we respect the fact that a wronged

partner in a destroyed marriage is heart-

sick? And the prey of a social predator?

No. 1000 times no. We aim a verbal assault

at them to mock or minimize their anguish

◦ You should lighten up – it’s just rejection

◦ You are just feeling sorry for yourself

◦ You are being over-sensitive – suck it up

◦ You should have known if you had a real

relationship – get past it

◦ You had a failed marriage – it happens

More Lies – It’s Your Fault

“You Should Lighten Up” It’s “blame and bayonet the injured” time –

they say that you are getting bitter and angry (granted, clearly you are not consistently behaving cool)

Well no sh*t, Sherlock

The cheater dumps a bucket of vomit and a dirty kitty litter pan into the marital bed and you are supposed to be cool?

Always remember: You were cool before, and just look where it got you, and how much credit you got for being nice. Maybe they should lighten up now.

Who Should

Lighten Up? So, I guess it’s okay to bash the heart-broken

and tormented faithful partner

And during this, she should just lighten up? Come again?

Maybe the taunting cheerleaders should lighten up themselves and focus on protection and comfort – providing a real reason to lighten up - rather than spouting their insensitive “be happy” psychology advice lifted from delusional soap operas


“You Are Just Feeling Sorry

For Yourself” Society and the cheater are incensed that the FP

has any legitimate reason to be very unhappy (“she’s so damn morose, no wonder he looked elsewhere”)

So they forget the joyful FP whose source of joy has been vandalized in a deep personal shit-storm

◦ They feel they can mock any reaction to the damage done and now they are causing

◦ They treat it like a minor thing, and that she is being pathetic and weak

It’s not at all minor, far from it – it’s like laughing at a rape victim for having torn clothing

Who Is Really Feeling Sorry

... For Getting Caught?

Society and the cheater would like all the bad news just to go away ◦ It’s a cheap shot to demand that the preyed-upon FP

should pull up her socks

◦ It’s tries to shut the FP up – by blaming her for having any feelings about what we wickedly call “a little harmless sex”

Rather than deal with the wreckage – we play down the devastation, the harm, the deceit, and the betrayal as if we all have a secret back-room deal to cover up for the busted cheater

“Self Pity” is always an accusation – in the case of betrayal it is misplaced, callous and takes sides with cruelty. In the case of family injury, it is an intolerable and heavy-handed accusation from any person who claims to be worthy of dispensing advice.


“You’re Being Over-Sensitive”

Like, sure you are just being “over-sensitive”. That’s all it is. And it’s just a little “rejection” you should “get over”

This bullshit preachy blame smear is a more devious

version of the vile lie: Adultery is harmless.

No, NOT Over-sensitive. ◦ it is a shock worse than rape, that is detailed as 1000 injuries

in chapters 4 and 5

◦ It is a broken heart destroyed by the very one you had the most trust in

◦ It takes a lot of courage to face the pain, the marital toilet, the empty place of reassurance, the grinding loss of love, the shocking gall, and the nastiness

The Common Thread

Special Pleading For The Cheat What do all these one-sided bits of advice

(accusations) have in common?

The advisors smugly assume that they are the masters of good advice and that the victim FP has control (to stop being over-sensitive, to lighten up, etc.) and an immediate duty to exercise that control

But look: they place no such burden on that cheating predator to control himself (to stop lying, to be contrite, to stop cheating, to stop making pain and destruction)


“You Should Have Known”

It’s more “blame and bayonet the injured” spin – they

say that a trusting partner should have detected

deceit – “What kind of a relationship did you have if

you weren’t aware of what was going on?”

Who says that bull-roar? Answer: ironically it’s the

very same people who say you should NOT be

suspicious AFTER you become aware of the betrayal –

then these jerks whoop out: “You are acting jealous and

suspicious – lighten up – you are obsessed and bitter”

The only common thread to all this crap: kick them

when they are down and lay blame on the wounded

Cheater

At Work

Maybe You

Missed

The Big Signs

They Posted

By Your Bed!

More Lies – It’s Nobody’s Fault

“It Was A Failed Marriage” Society is looking for a way not to blame the

cheater – what’s better than to let you take half the blame? It’s 50/50 in a failed marriage!

Failed Marriage, my ass. It’s more no-fault spin – who would say that a city destroyed by bombs is a “failed city”?

It is worded to let the destroyer off the hook (as usual) and place the injured party in a position to take responsibility for the destruction... And feel like a failure

What is a

“Failed Marriage”? Let’s say: “No, I did not have a failed marriage. I

had a destroyed marriage. My husband failed in character and destroyed the marriage. I’m not perfect, but I was trusting and loving and contributing - that is in fact a success. The issue is that he felt he could get away with getting his wants fulfilled on the side while holding me to my side of our promise. His lies and manipulation destroyed the trust needed to make it work. His loss, of course, but it injured others around him.”

The dip-sticks who keep inflicting harm to the wounded by using this “failed marriage” spin need their heads read

What is a

“Failed Marriage”? Let’s say: “No, I did not have a failed marriage. I

had a destroyed marriage. My husband failed in character and destroyed the marriage. I’m not perfect, but I was trusting and loving and contributing - that is in fact a success. The issue is that he felt he could get away with getting his wants fulfilled on the side while holding me to my side of our promise. His lies and manipulation destroyed the trust needed to make it work. His loss, of course, but it injured others around him.”

The dip-sticks who keep inflicting harm to the wounded by using this “failed marriage” spin need their heads read

Failed Marriage

Is Like Calling a Bomb-blasted Hospital

A Failed Health Care Solution

No Fault – Whose fault?

Why, Yours, of Course

The caught cheater wants a no-fault solution, for himself

After years of finding fault against his spouse to soothe

his guilt – he has rehearsed plenty of faults

After all there must be reasons, needs were not met...

Maybe she didn’t take care of her looks!

What a shame!

She really could

have succeeded if

she’d just taken

better care of her

hygiene – ick!.

Why don’t they see

that calling it FAILED is

Just as judgemental

and Twice as cruel as

Placing the blame

where it belongs.

YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL – AND THAT’S A REAL CRIME!

Don’t be a such a big spoil-sport. Let’s all go home happy Let’s be friendly and forget the bad stuff Let’s put it all in the past – after I’ve emptied your wallet.

It’s never judgemental at all on the flimsiest of grounds

To cruelly denounce and blame victims as judgemental

And indicate that they are sick, bitter and stuck in blame.

Look at their proof: You are not yet responding with

positive tones that buy into those lame excuses of your

predator.

Judgemental! Decode That Finger Pointing Word

No right to judge Excess and Bias Closed Mind

UNFAIR! UNFAIR! UNFAIR!

Judgemental! Decode That Finger Pointing Word



This is their real accusation

Judgemental? What Evidence Is There?



Examine their real accusation

Name Calling

Where are the specifics to justify any of these?

All you get is a blanket accusation “Judgemental”

used when any person is upset and seeks redress ...





What an emotional smear word does is

cast blame very freely ... Just toss out: “Judgemental”

And deflect ... without having to be specific and defend

the underlying accusation with specifics.

A specific charge would require evidence and perspective

instead of a smear and one-way finger pointing.

Name Calling




Contrasted with the real situation

Name Calling


Right to ask

for fair treatment

Actual evidence of

harm, though passed

off as a small mistake

Tormented with

torrent of lies




Contrasted with the Cheater’s situation

Name Calling


Claims Right to

blame FP

Exaggerated

fault picking

Denies facts

and peddles

lies

Judgemental! What They Imply



Every time

you are upset,

I will call you

judgemental,

and imply you

are bitter,

angry, unfair,

and have a

closed mind.

Judgemental! What They Imply

Every time

you are upset,

I will call you

judgemental,

and imply you

are bitter,

angry, unfair,

and have a

closed mind.

And I’ll

never have

to provide

specific

instances or

evidence –

just the fact

you are not

cheerful and

won’t give a

free pass to

a predator

A “Judgemental” smear usually

shows that they are picking

sides – now, that’s biased!

Is All Judging Unfair? Or is it simply inconvenient and annoying

to destructive predators

Would Decent People

Really Prefer this Alternative?

Deny Wrong

No Place

for Justice

Be Blind to

Proven Facts

Just

Look the Other Way

Let Everybody Off

Allow Street Mobs

To Dole Out Justice

It’s Judgement Day

For The Blame Word “Judgemental” If Humanity Fails To Serve Justice

We All Become Slaves To The Only Law Left:

Might and Money

“Judgemental” is Your

Shovel-Ready

Smear Word

Apparently some kinds of name calling is approved of

Pompous empathy-drained experts with a shrivelled up sense of care are actually allergic to fairness

What they mean is that you are placing value on fairness – and this gets in the way of their nicey-nicey agenda: the old “it’s just a small harmless bit of sex” excuse

Who Else Is Judgemental?

Here’s the laugh: ◦ It was never called out as judgemental for the

cheater to repeat his excuse list

◦ He just got a free pass to duck responsibility by saying those good old invented and exaggerated faults of the FP

◦ He got a free pass for his total lack of compassion, his wicked conduct and his blaming comments

But the same folks will pounce on the FP and self-righteously blame any negative word as a sign of being “wickedly” judgemental

One-Sided Special Pleading Deflection from case against CP

So They Call You Judgemental!

They Just Want To Push You Away

and Skip Any Consequences for

Their Harmful Conduct

Would you allow that brazen name-calling to

deflect and excuse any other harmful act?

Child neglect? Slavery? Rape? Cruelty to pets?

Without real judgement (fair assessment, facing facts

and yes calling out the predators)

Justice and Responsibility move into the Twilight Zone

ch06 a adultery with its pabts down

Documents

doomed cure society

meaner doomed start

cheating partner

faithful family

faithful partner puke

real names

faithful spouse

traffic affair