Chapter 4:Transitions in Family Life

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Marriage transition: What partners should know!

1. Keep separate identities as well as create couple identity

2. Don’t expect partner to always make you happy

3. Love will not always come easily4. Will have disagreements that will be difficult to

work through – perpetual issues5.Your partner will not always put your love and

relationship first.2

Mapping Marital Stages• Dym and Glenn

• Mapped recognizable stages – what partners can expect

• A ________ three stage cycle:

• Expansion & _______

• Contraction & _______

• Resolution

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Stage One: E and P

• Initial implicit contract - to be ______________________________

• _________ and good feeling

• Partners open up to each other

• Feel accepted and loved

• Enjoy new married status

• You are experiencing ________ love.

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• Glimpses of things to come

• Partners note ________ characteristics in the other that they had not seen before

• Make ______ (initial glimpse) into the next stage

• At first forays quickly give way to feelings of expansion and promise.

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Stage Two: Contraction and Betrayal• Differences emerge that cannot be easily

_________. • Forays more common• Positive feelings gradually gives way to

________ feelings - anger and disappointment

• Couple passes a ________ - negative affect becomes the prevailing tone

• Couples enter C and B.6

• Partners note _________• How could …• Implicit contract seems _______• Disagreements• Try to change each other - usually fails• Revert back to ___________ patterns• Normal part of the couple development• “Other” self emerges – imperfect self• Must forge new relationship – more honest,

more accepting7

Stage Three: Resolution

• Compromise and negotiation

• Must adjust - _______ undesirable characteristics

• See both good and bad

• Desire to work things out

• A more _________ relationship emerges

• Based on _________________________________ and greater maturity

• Integrate (+) and (–): friendship, cooperation.

• Home Base - a place where couple spends most of their ____

• Cycles begin and end in Home Base stage

• Another stage theory: Davis, p. 93-94. 8

Transition: Parenthood - the first child

False Beliefs:1) Being good parent – easy/natural2) If you love your child, s/he will turn out all

right3) One best solution to child-rearing problems4) Your children will appreciate what you do

for them.

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Understanding the Transition to Parenthood

• Becoming a Parent Project – Cowans• 96 couples from prebaby thru kindergarten• The Penn State Child and Family Development

Project – Belsky• Followed 250 couples – prebaby to 3• ______ of couples went into severe decline• _____ - moderate decline• 30% - no change in marital satisfaction• 19% - improved marital satisfaction.• Gottman statement, p. 96-97: (40-70% decline)

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• Having child produced changes in marriage1. Communication2. Emotional experiencing3. Sexual relationship4. Closeness• Natural polarizing effect that can no longer

be minimized, p. 97• Calls attention to _________• Will couple be able to adjust & change

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• Each spouse makes discoveries about the other - closer or further apart?

• Can they work together as a cohesive team?

• Studied 6 domains :

• S___

• ______ ideology

• E_________

• C____________

• Expectations

• _______ resolution. (20-30% increases after baby)

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Domain - Self• Women - value ________, p. 98-99.

• Men – value ____________________

• Man must be willing to surrender not just a portion of his independence, but nearly all of it, p. 98-99.

• Must move away from ____ focus

• and help with housework and with wife’s ________ life.

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• Wife – value _________

• Drawn to baby

• Emotional experiencing dependent on what the baby does

• Baby upset - increases tension and alarm

• Desire to ____ and _______ increases

• Difficult for couple to find _________.

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• Can wife: • regulate ________ to provide husband with

a measure of ___________________?• regulate her emotions to handle minor

problems on her own?• Can husband: • give up some of ________• Become involved with mother and baby• Depends upon …____________________

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• Security/self-confidence

• Why this matters?

• Insecure/secure husband & wife, p. 99

• Examples:

• Couples high on domain of self came through transition still feeling positive about relationship.

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Domain - Emotionality• Mental energy - positives and negatives?

• Predisposition to negative leads to worry - imagining the worst

• Negative emotionality often leads to The ______ effect The __________ effect

• How each partner responds influences the other

• How the emotionality domain influences marriage?

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Domain - Communication

• The decline of quality communication

• Couples talked less; talk less satisfying

• New demands left little time

• Baby focused talk

• Decline in activities that promote intimacy

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Domain - Gender Ideology• Disagreements about division of labor wives still did more. Why? (p. 101, 108)

• Baby is mom’s work

• Men feel less _________; mom is ______

• Fathers hesitancy gives over to mom’s competence

• Dad can’t do it right

• Research findings … p. 102.19

Domain - Conflict Management• Conflicts postbaby increase 20-30%• Two unsuccessful approaches:1) Avoiders could not tolerate heated conflict2) Others let conflict spin out of control• Constructive fighters 1) Could compromise 2) Did not always have to win3) Affection and high regard for each other kept

conflict in control4) Had deep affection for each other.

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Rearing Children/Adolescents in a Toxic World• Garbarino’s toxic agents1. Internet sites2. Television/movies3. The advertising culture – it’s not the quality of

character, it’s things4. Drugs5. Portraying parents and the older generation as

incompetent6. Guns and violence.

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• Other changes make it harder to rear children• Shared family time has diminished• Ron Taffel – The Second Family• Children not getting what they want – _________

__________________• there is little ______ family time• What happened to adolescence? The Introduction Level, preschool, the “________” p.119 The Exploration Level, elementary school, “the tyranny of

the cool”- “gimmees” in full swing The Comfort Level –“t of c” loses power, find comfort zone• The Second Family = _________

• The Lost Children of Rockdale County• What’s a Parent to Do?

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