chuck's recovery journal

8/14/2019 Chuck's Recovery Journal

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Recovery Journal Charles E. Zink, Jr.

Beginning April 10, 2004

Introductory Thoughts

I have not been one who journals extensively. I have tried at times, but it seemsthe schedules of life and ministry have interfered. However, as I face thisserious physical challenge in my life, I want to keep track of some of mythoughts. In particular, I want to be reminded of, and desire for my family toknow, the wonderful promises of the Lord and His ministry to me during thistime. I have been collecting various thoughts, making notes on paper and inmy NIV Worship Bible that I desire to gather in one place. This is not intendedto be a literary masterpiece, for that certainly would not reflect me! Myintention is to dwell upon the grace, love, faithfulness, and peace of God. I will,

at times, add some paragraphs called Reflections, which are thoughts thathave been stirred by this process. The Reflections are not necessarily date-related.

As I start to compile these notes, I am fully aware of the challenge I am facing.When Sally and I met with the surgeon, Dr. Munson yesterday (4/20/04), he wasvery straightforward about the extensive surgery that is ahead (4/30/04). Ineed to have major reconstruction of my gastrointestinal tract, which involvesremoval of the mass in my pancreas and significant portions of the pancreasand other gastro organs. The recovery will be long, and it could involve a widevariety of complications.

I want to say in these initial thoughts that, as always, the Lord has used this forgood in my life. My appreciation and love for Sally, my family, our friends, andthe church has deepened. The love of the Lord and my knowledge of His lovefor me and His people have become even clearer to me. I needed to bereminded of this fact. When one serves as a district superintendent for over 12years, it is easy to lose sight and sensitivity to the great positive side of thechurch. So much time is spent in conflict resolution, dealing with brokennessand the more difficult side of things that in order to protect yourself, you losesome sensitivity. I do not regret my years as a DS. In many ways it was themost fulfilling time of my life and ministry. I am greatly blessed. But this illnesshas helped me return to a much better balance, a sensitivity to, andappreciation for the Body of Christ, His church. The support, concern, prayerand encouragement of the church have been incredible!

I have a clear sense of peace as I face this situation. I know the reality. I am notin denial about any possibility that I am facing. The Lord has consistentlycalmed my anxiety. With His Word, His Church, the love of Sally and my family,and through His Holy Spirit, He has reminded me of His love, care and power todeal with the impossible. I rest in Him!

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I will begin the day-to-day account of this journey with April 10, 2004. Prior tothat, I had been through about three weeks of nausea, subsequent doctor'sappointments, and tests. I had lost over 30 pounds in a three week period.Effective, but not a diet I would recommend.

Saturday, April 10

I continued to become increasingly sick and jaundiced. By the late afternoon Iwas vomiting every few minutes, experiencing some of the deepest distress Ihave ever known. Sally suggested we go to emergency and I said, I give up lets go." We arrived at the ER of the Southern New Hampshire Medical Centerat about 6:30 p.m. There were very few present and we were attended toimmediately. The staff seemed quite concerned about my condition andadmitted me to the hospital quickly. They immediately administered anti-nausea medication, antibiotics and IV to deal with the dehydration. Additionalblood tests and other tests were soon underway.

Sunday, April 11, 2004 (Easter Sunday)

On Easter Sunday I was feeling a bit better. The nausea medication and IVhelped. Sally came in early, bringing the walkman and a couple of tapes, aswell as the NIV Worship Bible that I like so well. We had a nice visit, and she leftaround 11:00 a.m. to get dinner ready at the house for Corey, Amanda and thetwins. In the afternoon they all came to visit. The twins were not sure what tomake of all the IV tubes, etc. Carson stood back and checked it all out. Madicrawled up on me and just laid her head on my chest and comforted me forseveral minutes. It was a special moment.

I could not help but recall two years before. At the beginning of Holy Week,both Madi and Carson were very seriously ill and ended up in the hospital. They

were just a few months old. On Thursday evening we received a phone callinforming us that both had been hospitalized and that it was a very serioussituation. We were told that Madi might not make it. We flew out to Illinoisimmediately. Carson improved and was sent home on Thursday evening. Madicontinued to struggle. On Good Friday afternoon Sally, Corey and Amanda wentto the house to clean up and rest a bit. I stayed at the hospital with Madi. I satnext to her oxygen tent and tried to comfort and encourage her. At one pointthey came to draw some blood and they asked me to hold her. She screamedand struggled as they tried to find a vein. I held her close and prayed for herduring and after that ordeal. That evening she started to improve and theyreleased her late Saturday.

Now, two years later, she was comforting me in the hospital. After Carsonchecked everything out to make sure it worked and was safe, he gave me agreat hug.

The twins are a wonderful blessing to us. It has been my prayer to see themgrow up. There are times I hurt because my father was not able to watch ourchildren grow up, nor did he have the joy of the twins as a great-grandfather.He loved children, and would have been close to all of his grandchildren.


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Monday, April 12

I continue to be very sick. I am so yellow from the liver dysfunction that I wouldmake Sam Chung look like an anglo. I figure I could qualify for a 50% discountat any Asian restaurant as a recent immigrant.

A variety of things have been ruled out. The gall bladder is ok, liver is ok, butunder an extra load from whatever is going on. Hepatitus is ruled out as well assome other things. They seem to be leaning toward the possibility of a gallstone that is blocking the bile duct. Last week the ultrasound of the gallbladder and the MRI provided no conclusive evidence of what is going on.

I am feeling just a little better, but continue to lose weight. The nausea isintense, but a bit better than it was a day or so ago.

There has been an outpouring of concern and support. Dr. Cunningham calledto have prayer with me this morning and many others have e-mailed, called thehouse, or sent cards and plants. It is wonderful the way the church responds tothose who are hurting.

As always, Sally has been incredible in her support. She is a very precious giftof God to me. My love for her only deepens in these days.

Late this afternoon the ENCR scope procedure was performed by Dr. TimothyScherer. He did not find a gallstone, but a significant narrowing of the bile duct.He installed a stent to open the duct. In the process of then going up into thepancreas, he felt certain that he saw a mass at the head of the pancreas. Hecame into the recovery room and said to Sally and me, I am so sorry to tellyou this, but there is a mass in the pancreas." Obviously concerned, hisstatement stunned us. I am well aware of the seriousness of pancreatic cancer.A more focused CAT scan was ordered for the next day to see if a better view of the area would be possible. We entered into a land of uncertainty about thefuture.

Reflection When Dr. Scherer gave us the options, he stated that the most serious concern is whether or not the growth is attached to one of the major blood vessels in the pancreas. He said if it is, it is the end of the story. Wait aminute! End of whose story? Not so fastthe story does not end that quickly,nor does ones life and influence end so abruptly. Now, I am well aware of what he means. After all, I am the terminal one he is talking about. However, God will determine the end of my physical life story. Yet, even if he takes me homein the very near future, it is not the end of the story. You see, I am just a

section of a life-story mosaic of Christian families who have come together inmarriage and blood and who serve, and will continue to serve, God and Hischurch. My part of the story will go on in a beautiful wife, my fantastic childrenand grandchildren (Carson, Madi and some yet to come) and a host of peoplethat we have ministered to and with over the years. Dr. Scherer, you may beright, but you are wrong, for the story of His servants never ends. It is all part of a beautiful mosaic that will never end for we are the children of the EternalOne. Praise God!! *******redo

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Tuesday, April 13

I awoke around 3:00 a.m. I read and prayed for a while, and then picked up thewalkman that Sally had brought in. I did not put in one of the tapes that shehad selected for me, but just hit the play button since there was a tape alreadyin the machine. It was a Talleys tape that Sally listens to on occasion. I am not

sure I had ever really heard much of it before that moment. As I pushed theplay button, I heard just the final phrase of the first song and it stated, My Godwill deliver you. I rewound the tape and listed to the whole song. It was inreference to the three Hebrew children and the furnace in Daniel chapter 3. The17 th verse says, If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve isable to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand O king. But even if he does not, we will trust Him. Immediately, I sensed that this was Godspromise to me.

I am not nave about this. I know that God delivers in many fashions, includingthe ultimate healing--physical death, birth into full eternal life. I trust him withmy life. I sense that he is going to prolong life for me, but even if He does not, Itrust and love Him. I know he will take care of Sally, our family and thegrandchildren. I experienced that care following my own father's death, and Iwill accept it if that is what He decides. I do want to be with Sally and thefamily longer; I do want to see our grandchildren grow up. Yet, no matter what,I trust Him for what is best for all concerned.

At that point a deep sense of peace came to me. I was reminded of the promiseI had received many years before in a tough situation: Rejoice in the Lordalways, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. TheLord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayerand petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of

God, which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your mindsin Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7).

Later that morning Sally came in, pointed out a My Beloved reading in theNIV Worship Bible, and said, "You need to read this one." I read what is below,and once again sensed the promise of My God will deliver you.

My Beloved

I know it is hard sometimes to be patient. I hear your voice crying out in themorning hours and late at night. I make note of each request. Remember that Iam not constrained by your time schedules or limited to your solutions. But be

assured of this, I will deliverin My timein My way. Learn to wait inanticipation.

And when you wonder whether I will take care of you, think of this: Since Isacrificed My own Son for your salvation, will I not also, along with Him,

graciously give you all things? You can count on it!

You see, there is no other God beside me, Who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him. Not one. For I am a Father who longs to be gracious to you. I freely


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show you My compassion.

I am a good God, a God of justice. And I will bless you when you confidently wait for Me. So be still and know that I am God. Be still before Me and wait

patiently for me to act. Wait for me, My child, and put your hope in My Word.

Dr. Scherer and Dr. Larney have been in to see me, and still are not sure whatthe issue is. The CAT scan did not show a tumor or mass clearly. Dr. Scherer stillfeels that a pancreatic tumor is most likely. He has referred me to Lahey Clinicfor an EUS procedure, an ultrasound procedure down the throat and into thestomach, pancreas, etc. which will give a very good look. At this point, May 4this the quickest they can get me in.

I have a sense of peace about this whole thing. I am grateful for the support of His church, Sally, family, friends and so many.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Dr. Scherer was in at 6:45 a.m. and sat down to talk with me for severalminutes.He still feels sure that the trouble is a pancreatic tumor. The cultures from theswabs were negative, but he has stated from the beginning that this is oftenthe case, and that the biopsies of pancreatic growths are very unreliable. Isensed he is very concerned for me. I appreciated his straightforwardness andhis persistence on my behalf. He continues to pressure Lahey Clinic to get mein before May 4.

Mary Esther called to let me know that Sister Beckles and Sister Warrick, two of the older prayer warriors of the Cambridge Church, have been in prayer for me.Sister Warrick has been walking the floor at night praying in my behalf. I do notknow of two people I would rather have praying for me. The New EnglandDistrict is blessed to have such prayer warriors, and I am deeply touched bytheir interceding for my situation. "God is able to deliver.

Sally continues to be such a blessing to me. I wish I could express my love forher more adequately. She means so much to me.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

When I awoke at 3:00 a.m., I continued to sense the promise, God is able todeliver. I have had a sense of calm and peace in all of this. I am sure thereality of it all has not fully hit me, but nonetheless, I also know that the Lord isable, and He is giving me peace and assurance.I read again the My Beloved reading (p. 1099) in the NIV Worship Bible, andGod continues to give words of assurance around the promise that I willdeliver you.

It is my prayer that I will have more time to serve him in ministry, to be withSally and the children, and to see my grandchildren grow up.

Dr. Larney was in early to tell me that I would be released. Dr. Scherer will

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continue to work on getting the appointments at Lahey moved up.

It is wonderful to be home. I feel a lot better, but it will take some time for thetoxicity to leave my system. They say it will take as long as it took to build up,which could be 3 weeks or more.

Friday, April 16, 2004

I continue to wake up in the early morning and use the time for the Word,prayer and reflection. They have been precious times, and I continue to sensethe promise, I will deliver you. It is great to be home, to rest in my own bedand to just enjoy time with Sally.

I have done a bit in the office, talked with the office in KC. Tom Nees and othershave been so supportive. The General Superintendents have called, written,sent a floral arrangement and been very encouraging.

One of the things I have sensed is healing from some of my experiences as aDistrict Superintendent. A DS sees so much of the conflict and difficulty in the

church that one can lose sight of, and sensitivity to, the better side of thechurch. The outpouring of prayer and concern have renewed in me a wonderfulappreciation for the Community of Christ, the Church. I am grateful for thispoint of healing and rejoice in it.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

It is good to be home. I continue to improve, generally. My color is improvingand I do feel better, but can still tell that not all is right with my body.

I woke up at around 2:30 a.m. and spent time in the Word and prayer. In themidst of my prayer time I was praying again for the chance to see Carson and

Madi and perhaps other grandchildren grow up. In the midst of that petition Iseemed to sense the Lord letting me know that I should not pray that prayerany longer. I take this as an assurance that He has heard my prayer. Amen. Godis able to deliver me. I continue to claim this promise and He continues toaffirm it for me in a variety of ways.

I am enjoying being home. Have been in the yard a bit and in the office some. Ihave no restrictions that have been placed on me, but my stamina limits mesomewhat. I am grateful for feeling this well, given what is going on in me.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and stayed up for an hour or so and then went back tobed and slept deeply and comfortably. I have been reading in the Gospel of Mark. The accounts of the miracle working power of the Lord have beenreassuring.

In the NIV Worship Bible there is a My Beloved reading in the midst of the5 th chapter. Once again, His word confirmed his care and deliverance for me.What I read early this morning is below.

My Beloved..


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I have something important for you to understand. Our relationship is based onMy faithfulness. Your faith will wax and wane, but My faithfulness enduresforever. I will never let you go. So put your trust in Me. In every situation,

remember these words: Dont be afraid; just believe.

I know the plans I have for you: plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to

give you hope and a future. But this will only happen if you put your hope in Meand live according to My Word.

Dont be afraid; just believe. That is your responsibility in our relationship:Believe that My love for you is unfailing; believe and trust in My goodness. And when you get discouraged, quickly turn to Me; call out to Me for help and I willdeliver you from trouble. My faithfulness will be your shield and your fortress. I

will fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Me, so that you may overflowwith hope by the power of My Spirit.

Dont be afraid; just believe. Be strong and courageous, for I am with you. I willnot fail you nor forsake you. I will never betray My faithfulness. I am the Lord;

when you hope in Me you will not be disappointed.Dont be afraid; just believe.

We went to the early service at Community Chapel this morning. It was awonderful service and Pastor Geoff DeFranca preached an outstandingmessage from Isaiah 6 on vision and mission. It was one of the best sermons Ihave heard in a long time.

We had lunch with Chad and Tre, and Alan and Janice Grey. It was a nice time of fellowship.

We rested in the evening and I prepared for the EUS (ultrasound) test in the

morning at Lahey.Monday, April 19, 2004

We awoke very early, just before 4:00 a.m. so we could arrive at Lahey on time.Arriving at the hospital at about 6:45, we went to the admitting office for theultrasound procedure. We were processed and in the clinic by 7:15 a.m. I wascalled in at 7:30 a.m., put on the surgical gown or johnnie (these things sureare small and breezy) and stretched out on the bed as they questioned, tested,probed, and hooked me up to IV and other things. At 8:00 a.m. I was wheeledoff to the procedure room, hooked up to all sorts of items, and the processbegan. I remember a bit . . . a review of the day's schedule, some distantvoices, and at one point the statement There it is. The next thing I recall wasthe nurse calling to me. I started to wake up and found out it was 11:15 a.m.My, how time flies when you are having fun. I was back in the waiting room tosee Sally by 11:45 a.m. and then staggered out to the car and we drove home.

The rest of the day was spent dozing, reading, and visiting with Sally. They hadtaken a biopsy of the growth and pictures from various angles. We meet withthe surgeon, Dr. Munson, tomorrow.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I spent the morning reading, working in the office, on the phone, and talkingwith Sally. We left about 2:00 p.m. for Lahey and our meeting with the surgeon,Dr. Munson. The appointment was for 3:30 p.m.

Just after 3:30 Dr. Munsons assistant called us in and showed us to anexamining room. Shortly after the usual blood pressure, temperature, etc., thedoctor came in and we chatted. We found out that he grew up just a few blocksfrom ENC, graduated from North Quincy High School, and his brother playedbasketball with my brother Dave. It was great to sense a bit of personalconnection.

He asked me what I knew at this point about my situation. I explained that Ihad been told that I have a pancreatic growth mass, that if it was attached toone of the major veins or arteries it would be impossible to remove by surgery.He confirmed that, and restated the difficulty of working with pancreaticcancer, which this most assuredly is (95% of all growths in the pancreas are

cancerous). He gave us various percentages of success for treatments andnone were in my favor.

He showed us on a chart the recommended procedure called the whipplesurgery, which seeks to remove the growth, a significant part of the pancreas,the gall bladder, part of the stomach, etc. It is very complicated and extensive.

There are four stages to the surgery: laparoscopy in order to see if they canproceed, then a full incision and a visual and touch exam. If it turns out that theveins or arteries are involved, then they cannot move ahead. If they do moveahead, they remove the various organs and organ parts and perform the finalprocedures of reconstruction.

We left the exam room rather stunned, trying to face the reality of it all. It ishard to absorb that this is happening to me. It feels a bit like your personaldeath sentence is being given to you a little at a time. On the way home Sallyand I conversed quietly, prayed, cried, and tried to find hope. We can only relyon God and His guidance of the medical personnel at this time. In spite of everything, I have to say there has been a sense of peace. I do accept what theLord has for me as best . . . BUT IT IS DIFFICULT TO SORT ALL OF THIS OUT.Indeed, our only real hope is in our Lord and Savior, Jesus.

On the way home we stopped to see Geoff and Kathleen DeFranca, our pastorat Community Chapel Church of the Nazarene. Geoff is a great friend andpastor. He is recovering from a torn calf muscle and is immobile at the moment.He shared with us a promise he felt the Lord had given for us Psalm 91. All of it is excellent, but the last few verses really caught my attention. Let me sharethem:

Because he loves me, says to the Lord, I will rescue him:I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;I will be with him in trouble,


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I will deliver him and honor him.With long life with I satisfy himand show him my salvation.


I woke up at 4:00 this morning with the thoughts of what I am facing, and myutter need of the Lords care and strength.

I went back and re-read Psalm 91 that Pastor Geoff had shared with us lastnight. It continues to powerfully remind me of His promise: I will deliver you." Ihappened to notice that there was a My Beloved reading located next to the91 st Psalm in the Worship Bible. This is what it says:

My Beloved.

Have no fear of sudden disaster. When it comes, proclaim that I am your Refuge and your Fortress, your God, in whom you place your trust.

Then I will save you from the impossible places . . . places where death iswaiting to take you. I will cover you with My feathers, and under My wings you

will find refuge.

I will protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance. I willdemonstrate My faithfulness to you and to those around you.

The knowledge of My love for you will protect you physically and emotionally. And when you have discovered this shelter . . . stay there.

You will always be safe if you do what is righteous and speak the truth from your heart. You will no longer fear the terror that night brings, not the violence

that walks the streets, not the evil that stalks in darkness, not even anuntimely death.

I will command My angels to guard you in all of your ways. They you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will

not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. I alone will cause you to dwell in safety. For I am your God.

At about 6:15 p.m. the surgeon, Dr. Munson, called to say he had been lookingat all of the scans, tests, etc., and he feels the growth may be smaller than firstthought. He feels this may be good news. This is the first positive indicator Ihave had in this whole thing. I am grateful, for it lifts my spirits.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

I continue to rest in Him as I prepare for surgery. I have done light work in theyard with Chad and enjoyed the time with him. I am so pleased about his newassignment in Johnson, Vermont with Pastor Al Lamos. Al is a good friend andhe will treat Chad with respect and encourage him to grow.

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Friday, April 23, 2004

I continue to prepare for the surgery on the 30 th . It is extensive! Dr. Scherercalled this afternoon and talked with me. He feels that the fact that this massblocked the duct and cause my illness may have saved my life by enabling itto be caught a bit earlier. I continue to be hopeful and rest in the Lord.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

As occurs each morning, I woke up around 3:00 and had a special time with theLord. His promise continues to be of comfort: I will deliver you. He has beenso faithful to me during these days. The early morning times have become veryspecial to me.

I am a bit more tired today. A very small bit of nausea, but I continue to feel somuch better than I was a week ago. Chad and Tre are moving to Vermont todayto begin their ministry at the Johnson church. I am so grateful to the Lord forthis ministry opportunity for Chad. Corey, Amanda and the twins will come upand Corey will help Chad pack the truck in the morning.

I went over with Corey to spend a couple of minutes at the house to saygoodbye. They had quite a few assisting with the packing of the truck. I cameback to the house and spent time with the twins. They are such a joy. Coreycame home for a late lunch. Sally and Amanda went shopping while the twinsnapped and Corey helped with some yard work. After the twins woke up wetook them outside and they played in the yard and with the radio-controlledtruck. We took them for rides on the garden tractor. They loved it and wantedto just keep riding. We had a nice supper together then they left for home.

Dr. Jerry Porter called in the late afternoon with words of encouragement andprayer. I know this is difficult for them, given the history with their daughterAmy, who died of cancer about 7 years ago. It is hard for me to comprehendthat I am sick and in danger, since I feel so much better than I did a week ago.

Yet in the back of my mind I know the situation is life-threatening, and thesurgery I face next Friday is extremely complicated. I continue to sense Hispeace in all of it. I am grateful for the support of the Lord and His people.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

I awoke early again, spent some time in the word and prayer. I read severalPsalms and parts of the Gospel of Mark. In Mark 9:22-24 I read these words:But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us. If you can? said

Jesus. Everything is possible for him who believes. Immediately the boys fatherexclaimed, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! I will be anointed atCommunity Chapel Church of the Nazarene this morning. All of the churchesacross the New England District have been asked to anoint someone in myplace in their services this morning. I am overwhelmed by all of this and praythat my faith with be steadfast.

I am back from the services of this morning. I was anointed and prayed for byPastor Geoff DeFranca. Dr. Louie Bustle World Mission Director was also present


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and prayed for us. I am confident in the Lord and believe that He is at work inthis situation. In whatever form the healing takes place, I want it to be totallyclear that He is to receive all honor and glory for His work in me.

It is my inner desire that He will touch me and that I will be back in ministry toothers much sooner than expected. I pray that it will be a testimony and that I

will be a witness to Dr. Munson, Dr. Scherer and others during this time. God isgood!

As I have reflected on the day, one person that came to mind is Mrs. Kierstead,one of the older ladies at Community Chapel. While Dr. Bustle and others weretalking with me, she slipped by and just touched my hand and whispered, ByHis wounds we are healed. Our congregations are blessed by so many like thisone. They are often unnoticed, yet are prayer warriors that support the church,pastor and others.

Monday, April 26, 2004

I had a difficult time getting to sleep last night, due to more itching than I haveexperienced in the last few days. I sat up until about 1:00 a.m. I am sure thereis also some anxiety about the surgery and future. Even though there is anongoing sense of peace, you still cannot help but wonder from time to time.What concerns me most is Sally and the family. I have been so blessed with anincredible wife, children (including those by marriage) and grandchildren. It isvery difficult to consider the fact that time with them could be cut short. I loveeach of them deeply. I am blessed abundantly by each of them. Sally is such aspecial gift of God to me.

Sally is sitting the twins today. I have several appointments at the hospitaltoday. Jossie Owens called to let me know that Belmont Haitian will be

organized on 5/23/04. This will bring the total churches organized in the past 6years close to 20. Tom Owens was anointed for me at Second Church yesterday.

There has been much prayer for me and I am grateful and hopeful in my Lordand the prayers of His people.

Since I had not been able to get to sleep in a timely fashion, I did not wake upin the early a.m. I have had a time in the Word and prayer this morning. I havecontinued my reading in the Gospel of Mark. There were some promisereminders to me.

Mark 10:27 With man this is impossible, but not with God: all things are possible with God.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

I also read some hymns and was blessed by two It Is Truly Wonderful andThe Solid Rock. I am grateful for the ministry of the Lord and others in thistime.

Overall, I sense that today is a bit more difficult, but it is in these days whereour faith grows even more. May it be so.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2004

I have slept in the past couple of days. I was really tired after all of the pre-ophospital appointments. Consequently, my reading and devotional time hascome later in the morning.

I had a call from John White this a.m. He and Juan Rivera are coming for a timeof prayer with me in the early afternoon. It is interesting. Four years ago or so, Istood at the bed of Juan in Lowell General Hospital when the doctors had givenhim a 10% chance to make it though the night. John White and our wives stoodby his bed and prayed for him. He survived the night, and a few weeks later

John White was his kidney donor. Today Juan enjoys wonderful health. God isable and God is good.

Last night Sally brought a card to me from Corey, Amanda and the twins. It wasa very precious note, personally autographed by Carson and Madi. I am blessedby a wonderful family. Each is special and precious to me. Sally continues to bea strength. I pray for her protection and peace in all of this. I stopped on the

way home from the hospital and bought Sally a special Mother's Day gift. It isan opal necklace that represents to me her beauty and purity. I pray that I cangive it to her personally on Mothers Day. Though from what they have told me,it would be pushing it a bit to expect to be home by the 10 th of May.

Yesterday was perhaps the most difficult day I have had with this thing,emotionally. I was not fearful, but certainly not looking forward to the surgery.

Today I feel more relaxed. I want to get this over with, but also continue to hopeand pray that God has brought healing, and that as they get into the process itwill turn out to be much less than anticipated. Probably the best-case scenariowould be to have to just take a section of the pancreas with the growth. I knowGod has been at work. I do not know just how, but I remain content as I rest inhis grace. He is able to deliver me!


We continue to prepare for my surgery. I cannot say I am looking forward to it,but I do look toward getting it over with as soon as possible. I pray that it willtake care of the cancer. The 84 th Psalm seemed to speak to me today Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts onpilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength tostrength till each appears before God in Zion.

Sally and I took the day to drive up to Vermont and see Chad and Tres newapartment, etc. We had lunch with them and a good visit. After saying goodbyeto Chad and Tre, we went to Stowe. This is one of our favorite spots to shop and

just enjoy the town. We drove up to the Von Trapp Family Lodge and absorbedthe mountain view and beauty of Gods world. We love the atmosphere andbeauty of Vermont. We left mid-afternoon, stopped at the cheese shop on theway and just enjoyed the ride back, arriving home in the early evening.

I cannot say enough about Sally. I hate to put her through this ordeal. It is


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indeed for better for worse in sickness and in health at the moment. Ihave always seen her as Gods special gift to me. I know there have been timesthat I have not been as loving and sensitive as I should have been, but deepdown I know that she is the greatest wife I could ever have as a life partner.She is incredible and I am blessed by her.

Thursday, April 29, 2004 The surgery pre-op procedures began at 8:00 a.m. I will have nothing to eatand will be fully cleaned out by the time the day is over. It is not the sort of day one enjoys a whole lot. We have tried to make it a quiet one as we preparefor surgery.

Sally and I have had some close moments of conversation and affirmation. I amso grateful for her.

Throughout the day I have been refocused on the promise of the Lord I willdeliver you." I continue to claim that as mine. It was not a promise I sought, butgiven to me by the Lord. I accept it as His and mine.

I am at peace in this and trusting totally in His will. He is God and knows whatis best for me and my family. I rest in Him. I will fight this affliction, but I rest inHim.

Reflection Though the prognosis and percentages for recovery from pancreatic cancer are not in my favor, I continue to hold to His promise to me I will deliver you." I cannot rest in the percentages of man or sickness; rather,when God is on our side, and when he promises and is at work, the

percentages are more than 100% in my favor. I choose to rest in Him, not theknowledge and guesses of men.

Friday, April 30, 2004We checked into Lahey Clinic around 6:00 a.m. and waited in the surgerywaiting room to be processed. Friends and family started to gather and PastorGeoff had prayer with us. Shortly after that I was called. All dignity begins todisappear as this 64 frame is draped by a hospital johnnie and I am calledinto the surgery prep room. I am settled in; there are questions and morequestions; IV is installed; belly is shaved, and then I am rushed off to thesurgery suite. It is not nearly as impressive as on TV. The room is small, withlights overhead, and soon I am drifting into sleep.

The next thing I was aware of was lights, a wall with a clock, and hustle andbustle around me. It was the recovery room. I couldnt quite focus on the clock,but soon figured out it was 11:30. I asked the nurse if it was a.m. or p.m. It wasa.m. I realized that this was a serious matter, since the surgery was to be 6 ormore hours, unless the growth was entangled with the major veins and theycould not proceed. In a few moments Dr. Munson came in and confirmed thatthey could not proceed with the removal of the growth. I asked him how long Ihad, and he responded, Six months. Then he softened it by saying perhaps aslong as 18 months with chemo, etc. It feels like a death sentence to me.

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I do not remember much after that. I do recall family coming in, but it isblurred. I am not sure of what took place in the recovery room or in the hospitalroom. They tell me that the time in Recovery with family and friends was veryemotional, which makes sense, given the circumstances.

Later in the afternoon when I was fully awake in my hospital room, I do recall a

time of close fellowship. I seemed to be joking around a bit, and it was great tobe surrounded and loved by family and friends. I was not unaware of thesentence, but chose rather to focus on the love of God, and those around me.

They say that the survival rate for pancreatic cancer is about 0%. I continue totrust in Him for a miracle. The promise remains: I will deliver you. I cling tothat hope and trust in Him more than ever.

I took my IV pole and all its attachments for a walk in the evening. I amdetermined to walk, to stay on a routine and move ahead with life in spite of allthat is at hand.

Saturday, May 1, 2004

My Beloved..

Do not be wise in your own eyes; but fear Me and flee from evil. This will bring you a much healthier life.

I am the only living God. All of the worlds wisdom is foolishness to Me, but even my foolishness is wiser than the worlds best wisdom. So listen carefully

to My words. Pay close attention to My instructions. Focus on them and treasure them in your heart.

If you will delight in My word and meditate on it day and night, then you will be

like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. And whatever you do will prosper.

My Word will bring you life and will help you in your time of need. It is powerful,more powerful than the hopelessness that may invade your soul. So turn to it

now. Never forget that I only desire good for you!!

I know at times you will face terrible crises, but I also know that My heart for you is to have you discover hope in the midst of your crisis. So turn to me. And as you reach out to Me, you will discover My love for you. I will restore to you a

joy greater than you could imagine. I want your life to be full, for you areMine.

These words remind me again that it is not about the wisdom and percentagesof man. It is about God. He will deliver me.

I am now one day past surgery and the news that the growth is inoperable.Release will only come by the power and grace of God. He is able to deliver. Idesire to get on a routine here in the hospital. I will get up every morning early,read, pray, clean up and walk three times a day. It is a challenge with the IVpole, all the tubes, and the sense of just wanting to sit back. I will not do so!


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God continues to be close. Sally has been so supportive, and the children closeand attentive. I am grateful Wendi could come out and spend time with me andSally. She is a wonderful daughter. I am reminded of the summer in Owegowhen the two of us would go to the fair grounds track every morning and walktogether. She is a great young lady. I am blessed by six wonderful children,three by birth and three by marriage. God has been so good to me.

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

Wendi and Sally are asking the family to set aside 10:00 p.m. each evening toCall out to the Lord for my healing. Kathy Bourgault, the District NMI PrayerCoordinator, has picked up on that suggestion by asking the district churches todo the same. I am deeply appreciative for the outpouring of concern and prayersupport of family and church. I continue to sense that my God will deliver youand I rely upon that. I am in need of Gods miracle working power.

Early this morning, Corey came to the hospital to visit and we had a good talktogether. He is a great young man. I believe God is working in some specialways in him and I rejoice. If I do not beat this disease, the mantle of ministrywill not only fall to Chad, but to Corey and Wendi. In particular, Corey seemedto have a breakthrough on Sunday morning as the Lord spoke to him aboutfaith and not giving in. I am sure that in this difficult time God is at work inmany ways, in me and my family. I praise Him for it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

My Beloved..

I am the eternal God, your refuge. And underneath you are my everlastingarms .

My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.

So do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,with thanksgiving, preent your requests to Me. And My peace, which

transcends all (human) understanding, will stand guard over your heart and your mind.

When you were in great need I saved you. Be at rest once more, My child, for Ihave been good to you. I have delivered your soul from death, your eyes fromtears, your feet from stumbling so that you may walk before Me in the land of

the living.

When the cords of death entangle you, when the anguish of the grave comesupon you, when you are overcome with trouble and sorrow, call upon My name.

I will reach down from on high and take hold of you. I will draw you out of thedeep waters. I will rescue you from your powerful enemy, from your foes whoare too strong for you. Though they confront you in the day of your disaster, I

will be your support. I will bring you into a spacious place; I will rescue youbecause I delight in you. I will quiet you with my love; I will rejoice over you

with singing.

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So My loved one, rest secure in Me, for I will shield you all day long. You are theone I love; come rest between My shoulders.

Thursday, May 6, 2004

Release day from Lahey Clinic.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Mothers Day . . . Sally and I had a nice breakfast and time together. I gave hermy Mothers Day gifts. One was an opal necklace that I really like. It reflects thebeauty of Sally and her life. Sally is a wonderful mother and grandmother, andpours herself into the care of her family. There are few like her!!

We went to the early service at Community Chapel. It was great to be in churchand worship with the Family of God. Pastor Geoff is a wonderful pastor/leaderand friend. I am so glad he is in New England. There were 508 in attendancetoday.

Mrs. Gladys Kierstead talked with me after the service. She is a pray warrior atCC and a very sweet lady. She reassured me that she is praying extensively forme every day. I am grateful for such people.

We came home, had a light lunch and rested. Corey, Amanda and the twinscame for dinner and stayed until early evening.

We had a delightful time with the kids. Carson and Madi are precious. Carsoncrawled up on my lap and we looked at the Corvette picture book. Every pagehe would say, I like that one. Carson also delighted us with his versions of acrobatic dance. Madi spent a long time reviewing the nature picture book withme. She is fascinated by nature and the beauty of creation.

I have a wonderful family and much to live for. My God will deliver me.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Sally and I had an easy morning, including a walk together, and we walkedagain this evening. I read, worked on updating this journal, medical bills, workitems and read. I took a long nap this afternoon.

Chad and Tre came for supper and are staying overnight. It is good to havethem with us for this time. Chad will head back to Vermont in the morning.

Sally and I will start the 10:00 p.m. prayer time with the rest of the family andthe district this evening. I am blessed by the people's prayer support,encouragement and love.


For some reason this was not the easiest of days. Kathleen DeFranca is in thehospital; Geoff continues to be under great pressure. I pray for him. Tom Wilsoncalled again today. He has been faithful to minister to us . . . he is a friendindeed.


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I had a 3-hour conference call with the UCME (United States/Canada MissionsEvangelism) Department today and enjoyed the interaction. I have severalthings to do for the office and look forward to it.

I think some of the difficulty of this day is just the continued sense of thegravity of this situation. It is only by the touch of the Lord that I will survive this

cancer. I need His reassurance daily, yet it does not always come daily, so Icontinue to cling to His promise that I will deliver you." It is not a promise Isought out. It came to me in the early hours of my hospital stay in Nashua andhas been reaffirmed a number of times. I must stay focused on that as wecontinue to call out for healing. It is my prayer that I will be able to be at all of the PALCON events. That will take a flat-out miracle. I wait for it and pray that itis Gods will. If not, I will submit to whatever He has for me in this time.

I am grateful for all of the expressions of love and support that are coming tous from so many. The church has been fantastic in its prayer support andencouragement. My mom has been sending a card almost every day. We havespoken often. She is in intensive prayer regarding this matter and there arevery few I would rather have praying for me.Wednesday, May 12, 2004

I awoke early (about 3:30 a.m.) and went downstairs to my office. I read Psalm118 which Mabeth had been given on my behalf in her prayer time. It seemsthat others are hearing from the Lord as they lift my situation in prayer. A partof that Psalm reads as follows:

Psalm 118:1, 5, 16-18

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever. In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and He answered me by setting me free.

The Lords right hand is lifted high: the Lords hand has done mighty things! Iwill not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done. The Lord has

chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death.

I continue to call out to the Lord, yet I do not sense an answer. I am clinging toHis promise to deliver. I know that it is His promise. I did not seek it out; it cameto me by song and verse through the ministry of His Holy Spirit. After a time of prayer I went back to bed and rested well. I need, desperately need, Hismiraculous touch. It is my prayer that I will be able to go to all of the PALCONevents and testify to His healing touch. All for His glory and honor (118:17)

We had a busy day as we went to the house in Pembroke to check out theseptic problem and prepare for the work on Friday. Alan Gray helped to dig outthe tank lid this evening and to confirm what was needed. People have been sohelpful to us. We also talked with the renter about buying the property andthere seemed to be some interest. I pray the Lord will work that out for us sothat my focus can be primarily on His work.

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Sallys mom called to say she is sending a check so we can have a few daystogether. We are thinking about going to the Cape this weekend for some timeaway.

Praise God for His goodness to us in all things.


It is 3:45 a.m. and I have been up since before three. I have read and re-readthe promises in some of the Psalms. In particular, I have been back to Psalm 91and camping in His promise to me: I will deliver you and give you long life. Inhuman terms that makes no sense given all of the factors involved inpancreatic cancer. However, we do not operate in human terms only. It is Hisdivine touch and intervention that changes everything in our lives and eventhis horrific situation.

As I called out to the Lord this morning, I sensed that the healing is done,underway or will be done. At any rate I felt checked as I prayed so I continuedto pray in terms of praise to Him. I have asked Him to confirm through Sally if she were to sense the same thing. (We had a wonderful prayer time togetherlast night.) I think of the words of the man in the Gospel of Mark who said,Lord, I believe, but help me in my unbelief. I understand that request this daymore than ever.

There have been a few times in my life when I have sensed from the Lord that Ishould cease praying for somethingthat the work was done or committed toby the Lord. I did sense that early in this situation when I had been praying forextended life to see Madi and Carson grow up. The Lord seemed to ask me tostop praying in that regard. I have sought to honor that, even though that isone of the things I am desperate for in this situation.

I continue to pray that in the days ahead, and most clearly on the 20 th of May,that I will know and the medical field will testify that I am cancer free. On the20 th I go back to Lahey for prep for the chemo, etc. I pray that somehow theywill see that the growth is gone. AMEN!!

I found myself thanking God for this affliction this morning. It may soundstrange, but there has already been much good that has come from this for me,my family, and I pray for His kingdom. I praise His name for ALL things.

Today will be a busy day as we go to Quincy to see the kids and spend sometime with Carson and Madi. We will stop in at the New England District AdvisoryBoard Meeting on the way home to fellowship with them for a few moments,and to express our thanks for all of their support.

Friday, May 14, 2004

I awoke around 2:30 a.m. and prayed, read, did some work for PALCON, andwrote a few thank you notes. I continue to sense that I should not call out onmy own behalf. It feels strange, but I want to be obedient. I have tried to prayin terms of praise, and for PALCON and other needs. I will do a bit more readingand then go back to bed.


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We had a great time with the kids yesterday. We took them to the park andthey were all over the equipment. Neither one seems to know much fear, andthey love to have fun.

We did stop and fellowship with the NED Advisory Board on the way home, andthen went over to see Geoff and Kathleen for a few moments.

Today I need to go to the Pembroke house for the pumping of the septic tank. Ihave a 1:00 p.m. conference call with Mike and Diane regarding PALCON andthen Gary and Juanita will be here for supper. It should be a full day.

I continue to need the reassurance of the Lord. I so desire His touch andhealing. May it all be to His credit and Glory. It is still my prayer that I will beable to be at all of the PALCON events. That will only occur if He heals me.

Prayer for this day Lord help me to trust you completely in this difficult time.Being defined as terminally ill is a scary thing. Lord help my times of unbelief and deepen my faith and commitment to you in this time. Lord, be with Sallyand encourage her in this day. Thank you for providing me with such awonderful wife and life mate. I commit this day and myself fully to you. May Isense your presence every moment and may all I do bring honor to you.

Reading in Isaiah 7:10-12 I found these words: Again the Lord spoke to Ahaz,'Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in thehighest heights.' But Ahaz said, 'I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to thetest.'"

I find these words interesting in view of the sense I have had that I should nolonger cry out on my own behalf. It seems as if the Lord is willing to have uscall out, but perhaps the deeper way is not to test the Lord by asking for asign or for assurance in this matter. Just trust in Him, for He will deliver.

Lord, help me not to put you to the test by seeking signs for my own assurance.May I rest fully and completely in your love and goodness.

It turned out to be a very busy and tiring day. I was at the Pembroke housemost of the day as we worked with the septic problem. Alan Gray was animmense help, digging out the lids, etc. I feel helpless in these situations, butthere is very little I can do. After it was all pumped out, it was concluded thatthe pump was not working correctly and therefore the waste water wascollecting and not being distributed to the septic field. Parts and time were notavailable until Monday, so it means waiting over the weekend to repair thesystem.


We left for the Cape mid-morning. Sallys mother gave us a check to be able tospend some time away for a couple of days. We located a small bed andbreakfast in South Chatham and enjoyed the time in relaxation, conversationand exploring the area. Saturday we spent some time at the beach andwalking. It was a good day.

Isaiah 12 spoke to me today. I am reminded of His faithfulness and the need to

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sing His praises for all that he has done, is doing, and will do.

In that day I will say: I will praise you, O Lord. Although you were angry with me,

Your anger has turned away And you have comforted me.Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.

The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song;He has become my salvation.

With joy you will draw water From the wells of salvation.In that day you will say; Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name;

Make known among the nations what he has done, And proclaim that his name is exalted.

Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things;Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things;

Let this be known to all the world.Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,

For great is the Holy One of Israel among you.

I need to learn more of resting in the faithfulness of the Lord. I must claim andaccept His promises to me more steadfastly.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

We rested well, had breakfast at the Inn, and then took a walk to the beach of about one mile total. We went to the First Light Church of Cape Cod for themorning service. It was an excellent service with a good prayer time. Ourprayer group prayed for us and we were blessed by the time. We appreciatedthe pastor's message on the commitment to holy living. We spent the rest of the day relaxing and reading. Then we went out to supper at the Hearth andKettle.

I was a bit down in the late evening. Sally and I talked, cried and prayedtogether. We continue to pray at 10:00 p.m. with the rest of the family for myhealing. .

I am desperately in need of the Lords healing touch. There is no other answerto this situation that I face. It is still my prayer and hope that I can be at all of the Palcon events. That will truly take a miracle of Gods healing power andgrace.

Somehow I need to have my faith and trust strengthened in this time. I am

fearful that God will not respond to our calls for healing. I want His will, butstruggle with the fact that it might be His will to take me at this time. Idesperately desire more time to be with Sally, our family, and to serve Him andthe church. I feel too young to cash it in. I am learning how much I value life,Sally and my family.

Monday, May 17, 2004

We left the Bed and Breakfast at 6:00 a.m. to head back to Quincy. Sally is


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going to sit for the twins. I will need to head back up to the Pembroke house tobe there for the septic repair. I stopped in to see the twins for 30 minutes or so.It was, as usual, a delight. Madi and Carson were very affectionate. I wish Icould have stayed longer to spend more time with them.

I arrived at the Pembroke house at around 10:30. The pump repair guys were

there and working. Chad came down, arriving around 11:15, and helped out byfilling in the holes over the covers to the tank. They finished up around 1:45p.m. I had started a conference call with Mike Stipp and Diane Miller to reviewall of the Palcon grid and to cover other details. I carried on the call until I gothome, then took a five minute break and resumed on the house phone untilabout 6:00 p.m. By that time, Gary and Juanita Jones had arrived for supperand an evening of fellowship.

At 10:00 p.m. we had prayer together and they returned home. It was a reallybusy day and I am pretty worn out.

I did not sleep well, waking up often, and went downstairs to my office to pray

a couple of times. I was not feeling very well and it seemed as if a couple of thesymptoms from a month ago may be returning. I cried out to the Lord again forHis touch. I finally slept fitfully until about 7:30 a.m.


I have spent the past couple of days reading a number of the Psalms thatremind me of praise, worship, and the faithfulness of God. Psalm 100, 102, 103,118, 119 and 121 were some that really ministered to me.

I also read some in the Gospel of John. In particular, I read the My Belovedreading in the Worship Bible that is inserted in the 11 th chapter of John. Itreassured me after a tough night that I need to focus on the Word, Hispromises, and His faithfulness.

My Beloved ..

I have made many promises to you, and My Word is true. What I have spokento you will come to pass.

The evil one comes to you only to steal, kill and destroy. There is nothing good that can come from him. He will endeavor to trick you into believing differently,

but be aware of his desire to see that you are destroyed.

Jesus has come that you may have life, and have it to the fullest! In fact, My beloved, every good and perfect gift is from Me. It originates with Me and

passes to you through my Son.

I have given you very great and precious promises. Through these promises you may participate in My divine nature and escape the corruption in the world

caused by evil desires. Everything you need for life and godliness is availableto you through My Son. Through faith in Him, You will be able to have life that

represents My Heart.

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Be assured that I am faithful. I do not change My mind and later regarding my promises. I do not say first yes and then later no. I am faithful to you! What

I have promised, I will provide.

So rejoice in My promises like one who finds great spoil. Believe My promisesand sing praises to My name. You will see their fulfillment because, through

faith in My Son Jesus, you believe them. My Word is true!!His promise to me since early on in this illness has been I will deliver you.May my faith be strong to accept and believe with all of my being this promisehe has provided me. AMEN.

Geoff and Kathleen came for lunch and fellowship. It was a great time. Geoff asked me an important question: What is it that I have learned about God inthis time? I answered that I am trying to learn more about His faithfulness andto praise Him deeply in all things. It is difficult for me, but that is where I needto focus.

I spent some time cutting the grass, helping Sally clean the basement, myoffice, and getting ready for Tom Nees to visit on Wednesday. I also worked onsome materials and the proposal for the refocus of the Small Church Institute.

Again it was a busy day, but a good one and quite a bit was accomplished. Irested well and felt better.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

It was great to spend the day with Tom as we worked on things for the future of the department.


I awoke early, since we went to the pre-radiation conference at Lahey Clinic. Inthe afternoon they removed the plastic stent from my common bile duct. Ittook more out of me that I thought it would and my temperature was up for acouple of days.

My promise for this day My Beloved, page 1644

Friday, May 21, 2004

This has been one of the tougher days as I recover from the procedure of yesterday. I slept a lot, prayed and faced anxiety head-on.


Lamentations 3:21-24. Corey, Amanda, twins, Amandas mom, Tim, Mary-Esther and Mom Kauffman joined us for supper to celebrate Corey andAmanda's anniversary and Amandas birthday. I was still not feeling real good,but it was a nice time and fun.

Sunday, May 23, 2004


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I awoke at 4:00 a.m. and prayed, read, and worked on my assembly report. Wewent to the early service and they started worship with The Solid Rock. It wasa great experience of worship, prayer of the Body, and another outstandingsermon by Geoff on dealing with affliction from Psalm 119.

On the way to church Sally read aloud to me Ephesians 1:15-23. What a great

promise!Monday, May 24, 2004

We have to go to the hospital very early for the radiation prep and theimplanting of radioactive seeds in the growth. It is an invasive procedure and Ido not look forward to it. I am trusting in His love. I will stay overnight at thehospital and they will remove the hot wire of the Brakey Treatment on Tuesday.

Tuesday May 25, 2004

During the time frame from 5/25 to July 16, 2004 I did not do any formal journaling. I did collect notes, mark in the worship Bible, and collect variousreadings, etc.

The internal radiation procedure that is mentioned on the 24 th of May went verydifferently than expected. The one night stay turned into a week- long stay thatleft me very sick. The preparation for the internal radiation was very invasive. Itinvolved taking a surgical needle about 9 inches long and puncturing my rightrib cage, sticking it through my liver into the bile duct in order to insert aplastic tube in which they could run the radiation hot wire to fire the beamright into the growth internally.

The complication occurred because they had removed the temporary stent onFriday. A back-up of contaminated bile was in my system which immediatelyleaked into my liver and blood stream when they punctured the bile duct toinsert the tube. The tube was inserted and I was returned to my room, butwithin a short time I was in trouble. My blood pressure went up, mytemperature rose to nearly 105, respiration became very shallow and rapid,and I suffered incredible chills, shakes, and shock. Throughout the afternoonand evening there were several times they were ready to code me and sendme to ICU. Finally in the early morning (Tuesday) I started to level off.

Though I was still very ill on Tuesday, they proceeded with the internal radiationtreatment and marked me for the external treatment. It took almost threehours and I became extremely sick again at the end of the treatment. That

night was a rough one.Wednesday May 26, 2004

This was the week of the New England District NMI Convention and DistrictAssembly. It had been my plan to be there on Thursday evening to do myportion of the District Superintendent's report. However, it became clear that Iwould not be able to do so. Fortunately, I had prepared a copy for Geoff DeFranca to read for me if I was too sick to attend.

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I do not remember much about Wednesday, except that Sally was there and acouple of others. Mostly I slept and tried to gain strength. Sally was able to goto the opening NMI service and see it since she had worked hard to help get ittogether. She is a gem.

Thursday May 27, 2004

It was another day of resting and trying to recover. I was really sick. Theopening service for Assembly was in the evening. Sally, Corey and Amandawere there to represent our family. Geoff read my report. Sally was presented acheck and farewell gift for our years of service. All reports indicated it wentwell. Jossie Owens also read her report and by all accounts it was powerful andwell done.

ENC presented Sally the ENC Pastor of the Year Award on my behalf. It wassurprise to me. After the service that evening, Sally, Chad, Dr. McClung, Dr.

Talmage Johnson, Geoff and Kathleen came to the hospital around 11:00 p.m.and presented the ENC award to me. Dr. Johnson prayed and anointed me.Sally and I deeply appreciated the special time and effort on their part. I hatedto miss the service, but perhaps it was best and according to the Lords will.

Friday May 28, 2004

The first session of the New England District Assembly opened. Dr. JossieOwens was elected District Superintendent on the first ballot with 83% of thedelegates voting yes. Praise God His mission accomplished. When I firstraised the issue of Jossie as DS months before with the Ad. BD and then withthe Ad. Council, with the BGS it was not always received well. However, I felt itwas right and sensed the Lord directing me. In November and December it

became a strong compulsion for me, resulting in my resignation as of 1/31/04.I remember well my meeting with Dr. Porter and Dr. Johnson in December andthe materials sent to the BGS. Dr. Porter was supportive, but could not saymuch. The others were not supportive. It was a tough time when I felt that Iwas swimming upstream against the tide. Yet, it has worked out and I amgrateful to the Lord for His direction in this whole matter.

The election of Dr. Owens is historic and will impact the church for years tocome. I am grateful to have a small part in this significant event. I thank theLord for His leadership in my life and on the New England District.

In the early afternoon Geoff brought Neil Wiseman to the hospital for a visit.Neil has become a special friend and it was great to see him.I improved in my condition over Thursday and Friday, which allowed for myrelease to go home late Friday. I pushed the medical people to let me go. I wasstill not feeling well, but knew I could do as well at home.

Saturday, May 29 Sunday, June 6, 2004

This was recovery time at home. I was still very sick--a lot of nausea, continuingweight loss, weakness, and trying to recover from the various procedures of the


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week before. I began to realize how sick I had become from the internalradiation and the preparation for it. It was much more devastating than Irealized. The place where they "stabbed me with that long needle was reallysore. I could not cough, and found it very painful for weeks. I could not functionwell and stayed mostly in bed or the recliner. It was a tough time, but the Lordhas ministered to me, and I am grateful for the progress. I have done somelimited walking.

Monday, June 7, 2004

Today starts the five to six weeks of simultaneous external radiation and beingon the chemo pump 24/7. They have reviewed with me all of the side effectsand I know it could be tough at times. This aggressive approach is necessaryfor my situation. The treatment will run into mid-July.

July 16, 2004

I am now two more radiation treatments from completion of this round. Chemo

will also finish up on Monday (three days). Overall, things have gone well. Ihave lost close to 60 pounds since the onset of the cancer at the end of March.On August 6 I will have a series of tests, scans and consults to see where weare, at the moment, in terms of the tumor growth. We continue to pray for Hisdeliverance. It is the only answer for longer term survival.

Todays Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest deals with the issue of divine control based in Matthew 7:11: . . .how much more will your Father whois in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! It was help to me. Thefinal paragraph reads Prayer is not only asking, but is an attitude of the mindwhich produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural. Ask, andit will be given to you . . . (Matthew 7:7)

I have struggled in recent weeks with asking . . . wondering at times if Godcared about my situation. Deep down I know He does, but the circumstancesand despair of all I am told about my cancer continue to cause struggle.

June 28 July 2, 2004

Sally and I have been able to attend the Eastern Nazarene College PALCONevent. I go to my treatments in the morning and have to carry the chemopump, but I have attended all of the services and some of the meetings. I havebeen sick and weak, but overall it has gone well. I have also had some goodtimes with the staff of Clergy Development which has been helpful. Listedbelow are some of the highlights of the week.

1. Dr. Johnsons message on Monday evening and prayer for me.

2. The message on holiness on Tuesday by Dr. Vassell and the anointingservice that followed. The service went until nearly 11:00 p.m. withmany special touches of the Lorda very special service. Dr. Wisemancalled it one of the top five services he had ever been in.

3. The time of prayer and anointing with Steve Wolfe.

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4. Time with Corey, Amanda and the twins.

5. Fellowship and support of so many that were at the PALCON

It was a great time for us and the Lord used it in my own heart and soul forrenewal and strengthening.

Prayer Prayer does not equip us for greater works ----- Prayer is the greater

Work. Oswald Chambers

Dad,

It was good to see you and Mom at the wedding today. Just wanted to mentionthat I had a wise person (Geoff) share his thoughts with me in those toughmoments after we all found out that your surgery was not successful. He said

that although you have the biggest confidence in God of anyone he has evermet, it would be our job to help you through those times that are difficult alongyour journey, and there would indeed be several of those times ahead.

I understand that modern medicine is not promising with what you are facing.Luckily, medicine many times has nothing to do with God's prognosis. I havehope that he still has a full healing (earthly that is) in store for you.

Take care, I hope your last week of treatments go well and I look forward to thetime we will spend in Vermont.

Love,

CoreyCommunity Chapel

August 1, 2004 AM

Introduction

A. General Comments Long time since I have preached dangerous

B. Appreciate the courage of our pastor

C. Scripture

i. My Beloved Reading, p. 1631ii. Hebrews 11:1, 13-16, 32-38

D. Here is the issue Our faith in Jesus brings us into the eternalKingdom of God. He is faithful, yet our faith hopes may not alwaysbe fulfilled in the fashion we desire, or they may be. I want to talkwith you a bit today from my situation about faith and faith that isbeing tested.

I. My Faith Testing Situation


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A. During Holy Week I became quite sick, had many tests, wasadmitted to SNH Medical Center Saturday that week.

B. Monday after Easter Sunday (April 12, 2004), after a special scanprocedure, the doctor came into recovery, and with much concernshared that they have discovered a mass on my pancreas.

C. I was referred to Lahey Clinic and a particular surgeon whospecialized in a surgery that, if successful, had a 30-40% chance of extending my life beyond 2 years. If they could not complete thesurgery due to attachment of the tumor to a vein or artery then itwould be as the referring Dr. said to me, the end of the story,meaning I would have about six months to live.

D. I was scheduled for the surgery on April 30. It was to take at least 6hours. When I came to in recovery and it was a little over 3 hours, Iknew that the news was not good. Dr. came in 6 months, maybe abit more with Chemo and radiation

E. NOW let me ask you a question. If you were in my place How would you respond to this testing of faith?

F. In this season of faith testing the Lord has provided many insightsand lessons. Let me share a few of those with you. I want to sharethem in the model of Hebrews 11 By Faith-

II. Some Faith Lessons

A. By Faith Tested, God Will Bring Hope, Confidence andCloseness .

1. Generally in our times of faith testing we are looking for a

particular answer to our situation. We know what we desire andask God for that and He allows us to do so.

2. Yet he does not always answer in the affirmative to our requestsfor healing or other solutions as we think He should.

3. In Hebrews 11, this great faith chapter we see that there weremany of solid faith that lost their lives in very horrible ways. Yetthey are commended for their faith. For others they were sparedand they served the Lord and were commended for their faith.

4. It would seem that the issue of tested faith is not necessarilyabout physical survival, but more about our eternal life with God.

5. Look for a moment to Hebrews 10:22-23 (read) Here is the issue our tested faith will be faith of hope and assurance because of nearness to God, his work in us, and because no matter what Heis faithful.

6. Tested faith should bring us to a point of fresh nearness to theLord.

7. In this season of testing, there have been times when God has

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been very near and other times when He has seemed distant.

a. Job 23:9-10 I look to the East He is not there; I turn to theWest and I do not find Him, I go North and I see Him not andin the South I catch no glimpse of Him; BUT He knows the waythat I walk and when He has tested me, I will come forth as

gold. (The issue of circumstances it becomes a challenge tofocus on the Lord and not the situation.)

b. There have been times that God has seemed distant, yetoverall, this testing of my faith has brought a new deep of closeness, hope, confidence in the love of God.

B. By Faith Tested, Let Gods Lessons of the Past Reassure

1. Over my lifetime I have had a number of experiences that arelessons to strengthen my faith in the work of the Lord in ourlives.

2. I have had the joy of seeing literally hundreds of livestransformed by the grace of God.

3. I have seen some graciously healed Juan Rivera

4. My father died at the age of 42 I was 14 we prayed for hishealing, but it was not to be. Yet God has used that tragic eventin my life to reassure me even in this time.

a. Night of the funeralb. Mom and my brothers

5. I desperately desire Gods healing touch, but if he chooses totouch by ultimate healing, translation into eternity, I amreassured that He will take care of Sally, our children andgrandchildren.

6. A tested faith finds reassurance in the lessons of the past.C. By Faith Tested, Let God Bring new Life Perspectives

1. One of the things that immediately happens in a faith testingsituation like mine is that some of your perspectives changeimmediately. Some of it is even humorous.

2. Time perspective

a. Death row inmates certain identity with them and a lifesentence.

b. Time - 6 months is it short or long? Phil overstock.com,more direct

c. Ministry do all I can in the next 6 months (PALCON preach office in KC take advantage of situations I find myself in.)

d. Tattoos and body piercinge. Relationships value them, intensified, communication is

more open, no ill will with any one.


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with an incredible witness of His Spirit and the gift of His innerpeace that I had never known in the same fashion before.

2. A few weeks ago in the midst of one of the down times Irenewed that commitment to the Lord and then I reminded himthat since this cancer now dwells within me that also belongs to

him and will choose to deal with it as He see fit.3. God is sovereign, He is the Lord of my life - He will make the

calls for my living and health and I trust Him to do so.

4. One of the best definitions of love is love always wants thevery best for the other person. Our Lord wants the very best forus and in His sovereign perspective he will choose the best forme and my family.

5. Friday we were flying back from San Diego to Boston with a stopin SLC. As we sat on the runway and waited to take of I couldsee out the window. There was the runway, some other planeswaiting, a little slice of the city in the background. It was a prettylimited perspective.

6. Thirty minutes later we were at 32,000 feet and the perspectivewas much different. Spread below us was the desert, cities,lakes, irrigated farm land, mountains on the horizon a muchbroader perspective.

7. In the midst of this faith testing time, my perspective is limitedfrom my ground zero, Gods is much broader, it is eternal and Hewill choose, lovingly for me how my deliverance will come. And Iam confident He will chose the very best for me and my family.

8. I accept the sovereignty of our loving heavenly Father.III. Concluding Thoughts Its not the end of the story

A. I mentioned earlier the Doctor who said if my growth is attached to avein or artery which it is that it is the end of the story. I havethought a lot about that statement and I have concluded that nomatter what it is not the end of the story.

B. First of alI, I want to praise God this morning for 60 wonderful yearsof blessing including 38 years of marriage to Sally.

a. 3 great children grandchildren

b. Career blessing beyond what I deserve

c. Ministry opportunities that have been blessed

d. I am a blessed person

C. I have packed more into my 60 years than many do in 100! God hasblessed me.

D. In that blessing is the realization that in my wife and children and


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August 27, 2004

I have been reading in First and Second Peter the past few days and willcontinue for awhile. They certainly are powerful letters. I am intrigued by theuse of the word peace in the Word. I wonder how often it is used. It resonateswith me, because I have experienced key times when the Lord has given me

that gift of peace and assurance. I think it is that special awareness of peace Iam seeking regarding my cancer and Sallys situation. In some ways I sense it,but not as deeply as I desire.

At the beginning of I Peter he speaks of the abundance of peace that is to beours. That is what I seek for both Sally and me. In II Peter he again speaks of the abundance of peace, but then adds that it comes through our knowledgeof God and the Lord Jesus. As I go through this time I need to deepen myknowledge of the Lord and find His peace more fully. I feel that I have becometoo lazy in my spiritual journey.

August 28, 2004

Prayer does not just change things; prayer changes me and then I changethings about me. Prayer is not just about changing things externally, but of working miracles in a persons inner being (Chambers, 8/28).

Much of my prayer tends to be about external circumstances. In this time of cancer I find much of my thought and prayer is directed toward that situation.

That, I suppose, is natural to some degree. However, as I continue to work withthis matter I am being reminded that my relationship with God and the inner

journey is always more important. Whether in good times or difficult, it is aboutdrawing closer to God. My prayer should be about obedience and drawingcloser to Him. Healing, in many regards, is secondary. This is a tough thing for

me to work with!

August 29 31

I met with Dr. Girsovich, my radiation doctor, for the follow-up exam. Herreaction was, You look good; you do not look sick. I praise the Lord for Histouch and help with this cancer. I have the referral to MD Anderson CancerCenter worked out, and will go for the first evaluation on the 8 th of September.It should give a much better picture of where I am with the cancer. I continue topray for complete healing that will make surgery and other additionaltreatments unnecessary. I am praising the Lord for the improvement in mystrength and general well being. I continue to pray for Sallys healing . . . to askfor two miracles in one. He is the one!

As Sally and I continue to work with this cancer thing in both of us, it raises alot of questions. Sally has often asked "WHY?" I have not. I think I have felt thatI should not question God. I know He is at work and that it rains on the justand the unjust. So I have tended to accept whatever comes without muchquestion of Why.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest , continues to be helpful to me.


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The past three days have really challenged my thinking on this matter of askingWHY? Some questions that have come up: If God disciples His children, is theresomething for me to learn from this? Is it to test and deepen my faith? Is it tostrengthen and draw me closer to the Lord? Is He trying to get my attentionmore focused so that I will become more reliant upon Him, and draw closer toHim?

Some thoughts: Perhaps we should not ask "Why?" but "Why not?"!! I tend tobe an action-oriented person who is work-focused. Too often this has played outin my Christian life by intensive service to His kingdom. Too often I haveneglected the inner condition and my relationship with Him in order to serve. Ihave been out of balance spiritually. Perhaps the WHY of this is that I need todraw closer to the Lord. This has happened in the past. I remember thecloseness of the Lord when I was having all the back problems at the beginningof my ministry. After 12 + years as a DS, I do need some healing, AND themajor part of that is to draw closer to the Lord and to commit to concentratingon my own Soul Care as a priority over service. That is difficult for me.

Perhaps this is a discipline time for me not that God has brought this canceron, but that He wants to use it to draw me into a much closer relationship withHim. Discipline is not punishment--it is a teaching/learning situation. In theparent/child discipline process there is a sense of closeness, especially in thetender teaching phase. At that point there is a special closeness between theparent and the child. That is what God desires in this and what I now want also.May it be the case.

The 8/31 lesson by Chambers reminds . . . Our joy in life does not come fromour health, wealth or other circumstances that are easy, but through fellowshipand oneness with God. There is joy in full obedience and doing the will of the

Father. Sometimes it even takes the discipline of the circumstances and life tocome to this sense of closeness to the Lord.

My prayer: Lord use this time, above all, to draw me nearer to you. I still ask foryour healing, but more importantly I ask for the deeper healing of ourrelationship that would bring a much clearer sense of oneness. AMEN.

September 1, 2004

I am in Kansas City for the second day and will fly home this evening to be withSally for her appointment with the oncologist tomorrow. It is my second stint inKansas City since August and it feels good to have some productive time at theoffice and with the staff. Praise the Lord.

I continue to consider the question of WHY. It is interesting because throughoutthis illness I did not ask that question. I do not know if I felt I should not, or if Ifelt I need not ask. However, Sallys asking of it has helped me to ask andwonder, and I am beginning to believe it may be a very important question forme to consider.

O. Chambers continues to challenge my thinking on this matter. The Why isperhaps related to the fact that no matter what, the Lord Jesus wants to use

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God has brought a miracle!

October 15, 2004

Sally and I were able to attend the ENC Alumni Banquet. I was presented withthe ENC Alumni of the Year Award. Dr. Joe Williamson received the other award.

I told Sally that it was a joint award with her. That is true! I am honored and feelundeserving of this recognition. The Lord sure has provided me with a greatdeal of recognition in these recent months, when you consider the HonoraryDoctorate of Divinity provided by the school in February.

October 20, 2004Sally is not feeling well today. I pray that God will bring the same sort of miraclein her life and health that He has done for me. I am feeling a bit better eachday with more strength. I do tire and need much more rest than usual, but allconsidered I am doing very well.

This morning in my devotions there were two things that really spoke to me.

First, from Oswald Chambers, on the October 20 reading Is Gods Will MyWill. I want to make sure that I live the rest of my life always seeking God's willin every aspect of my life. In the remaining years He has given me I want morethan ever to honor Him in all that I do. To even take on things that humanlymake no sense. However, if I know it is His will I will do it!

I read Romans 4:19: Paul is writing of Abraham and the promise of the childwhen he was 100. The Word says, Without weakening his faith he faced thefact that his body was as good as dead. That is exactly the situation for me.With pancreatic cancer my body was as good as dead. Yet with the touch of God combined with His use of modern medicine I have the promise of extendedlife, and my faith rests in Him and more years to serve Him. May I be faithful towhat He is doing in my life. Whatever He asks, in faith I desire to respond--eventhough it looks humanly impossible or illogical.

November 8 11, 2004

Follow up surgery exams at MD Anderson. The results were not what wasexpected. All of the reports had been so positive, but the CT Scan on the 10 thindicated that the cancer has spread to the liver. There is no hope medically forthis to be worked with, other than another round of chemo that might extendmy life a bit, but with all of the side effects that come with chemo. At this pointI have chosen to go ahead, but I may still change my mind.

Sally continues her chemo and will have a scan on the 18 th of November. Icontinue to plead for her healing.

Below is an e-mail from Corey. The family has been so supportive during thistime.

Subj: thanksDate: 11/15/2004 3:33:52 PM Central Standard Time

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From: [email protected] To: [email protected], [email protected]

Mom and Dad, Just wanted to thank you for having the kids and me up for the weekend. I

hope, Mom, that everything was not too much and you are feeling a little bettertoday. I think that even though it was a hard weekend with the recent news, itwas also a good weekend to be with you. I think the twins have a way of keeping everyone upbeat and raising spirits with their silly antics. It was helpfulfor me to continue and try to process everything we are facing together as afamily right now.

Mom, I am praying that your tests in the upcoming days offer some good news.I am sure that is weighing heavy on your mind these days. Did you know thatDonna Mowen also has stage 4 lymphoma? I am guessing you know her fairlywell, but maybe not. She works here at ENC and is probably about your age. Ithink she was diagnosed about the same time as well.

Dad, I pray that your upcoming chemotherapy is effective and tolerable. I knowyou mentioned that you are "dreading" it, and I w

chuck's recovery journal

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