Co-Parenting: From Conflict to Cooperation

Tuesday, September 11, 2018 Hruska Law Center, Lincoln

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FACULTY BIOS

Angela Dunne, Managing Partner, Koenig|Dunne, PC, LLO:

Angela Dunne is the managing partner of Koenig|Dunne where her career has focused exclusively on divorce-related work. Ms. Dunne is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. She was also appointed by the Chief Justice of the Nebraska Supreme Court to serve on the Nebraska Child Support Advisory Commission, making their recommendation to the Nebraska Supreme Court and served on the NSBA Ad Hoc Committee to discuss the Parenting Act issues which were raised in the Nebraska Legislature.

In 2013 Angela Dunne co-Authored the second edition of "Divorce In Nebraska: The Legal Process, Your Rights and What to Expect" with Susan Ann Koenig.

Ms. Dunne received her JD from the University of Nebraska College of Law.

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Best Interests of Children

Over the decades, states across the country have consistently raised the

question about parenthood after divorce. Legislators, judges, lawyers, psychologists,

mediators and parents are asking, “What is best for children of divorce?” Views differ

wildly on how custody and parenting time should be shared in a post-divorce family.

I have represented fathers and mothers equally. I have championed good

parents and advocated for hundreds of variations of parenting time based on the

uniqueness of each family. I have won cases and I have lost cases. I have been both

affirmed and bewildered by outcomes. I have represented both fathers and mothers

who were awarded sole custody. I have represented parents who amicably agree to

joint custody. I have seen children thrive and I have seen children suffer.

The most common custodial question under state law is: Is it in the best interests

of the child? This means that when a judge decides custody, the standard by which

they evaluate the evidence is what outcome will best support the child.

Most parents and divorce professionals will tell you that a “one size fits all”

approach to custody generally does not work. Families, and their corresponding needs,

are unique.

When you have two good, supportive, involved parents who have the ability to

communicate well with each other for the benefit of their children, shared parenting

should be ordered and should be the rule. Unfortunately, not all divorcing parents fall

into this category.

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When parents do not or cannot work well together, the best interests of the child

call for something different. When a judge must decide custody because the parents

cannot, those parents generally are not capable of co-parenting.

It can be one parent, or both, who thwarts communication or parenting time. It

can be mothers or fathers. In these contested cases, requiring parents to communicate

daily and sort through issues related to their children is nearly untenable when they

have not been able to agree on the basic custodial arrangement for their children. It is

not recommended because it is the children who are most exposed to the conflict and

who suffer.

The sooner parents are able to realize that their children do not benefit from their

fighting, friction, and hardships, the sooner they may be able to search out harmony in

their co-parenting relationship. The most successful co-parents treat each other like

business colleagues – with respect, courtesy, and polite indifference.

I am most often asked by my clients and people in general, about how I

personally co-parent my children post-divorce. My former spouse and I share joint legal

and physical custody of our daughters. Some people have commented, “You make it

look easy.” The truth is, it isn’t easy and just like any parent couple knows, it comes with

ups and downs.

Creating Control

A waitress once inadvertently dumped a cup of marinara sauce all over my suit

during a work lunch. I didn’t move while she went to collect a towel to help me wipe it

off. I didn’t yell at her. It was an accident. She was flustered and upset and scrambling

to offer reimbursement of my dry cleaning bill. I just smiled and thanked her for helping

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me get cleaned up and said “no worries at all.” The gentleman I was with said to me,

“You have amazing control.”

I often hear clients bemoaning the other side seemingly having the “upper hand.”

“Why do they have all of the control?” “Why do they get away with anything they want?”

“Why don’t the rules apply to them?”

Control and perceptions of control constantly operate in the legal world, and let’s

be honest, in just about every aspect of our lives: in parenting, in relationship with loved

ones, at work – who has control is an ever-present dynamic and question. In divorce,

the feeling of not being in control of your life may be so prominent that it leads to anxiety

and depression.

Most people going through divorce have never stepped foot inside a courtroom.

They have no previous experience with attorneys, a judge, or legal jargon. It is scary.

People feel like they cannot regain control of their life until the final agreements are

either ordered by the judge or agreed to by the parties. That can take months.

I confess that I love being in control. My planning tendencies and abilities could

probably win me an award if such a thing existed. I feel happier and more stable when I

have a plan, or said another way, when I feel like I am in control of what will happen to

me or my life in the near future. I detest the feeling of being in a mental fog or feeling

like someone, other than me, has control over what will happen in my life.

It is precisely in this fog, nearly guaranteed for anyone going through divorce,

that we will use it as an excuse for our own bad behavior. We don’t have control

anyway, so we engage in the following:

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• We will not provide financial documentation as requested because our

spouse has not provided his or hers in a timely manner.

• We will not be flexible with a parenting time adjustment, because the other

parent wasn’t flexible with us.

• We will not take our child to an activity scheduled during our time because

we were not consulted in advance.

People incorrectly assume that when the other party is not complying with the

rules or deadlines set within the legal system, this means they somehow have more

control in the process. It isn’t true. In fact, the options for both parties remain equal

throughout the process. You can comply or not.

The truth is, we always have control over our own behavior. We can control how

we react to the other party not meeting a deadline. We can control whether we act with

integrity throughout all parts of the process, despite (or even in contrast to) what the

other side is doing. Once you see this, you will surely be positioned to take control.

Finding Focus and Beating Bitterness

What I experienced in my own situation and see from the other side of the

divorce lawyer’s desk is how detrimental the “thinking negative license” can be. For

parents in litigation, how it most often presents itself is a feeling that a person needs to

“show the judge everything horrible about my spouse.” This thinking, while natural in

the immediate moment, if acted upon, can be critically harmful to a co-parenting

relationship. It may be harmful toward extended family, and ultimately, is the most

harmful to the person carrying that negativity around.

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I was once preparing a client for trial and I asked her to name good things about

her spouse. She looked at me like I was crazy. She sat back, paused, took a breath

and then replied, “He always did the laundry and he could fold a T-shirt like nobody’s

business.” We both burst out laughing. Not only did making a shift to focus on the

positive bring a much-needed stress reliever, but it lightened her up entirely. We

continued to talk about his good qualities. I asked her to draw upon this in front of the

judge for a couple of reasons. The most important reason was that it would show to the

judge who my client really is: a person who is not out to destroy her spouse, as a parent

who has the capacity to see good and who only wants a fair and good outcome for her

child and family. I know now, after she was awarded her full parenting plan, that her

testimony was credible and she was more likeable when the judge heard her speaking

from a positive place, rather than crankily focusing on the negative.

I have seen the dynamic of opposite parties in litigation play out in hundreds of

depositions, settlement conferences, and trial testimonies. As a lawyer, I immediately

know my role is to diffuse and calm the feelings. I know that if I can get underneath the

anger and behind the bitternes, I can usually find the source of hurt, fear, and

vulnerability that, if validated properly, can move toward healing.

I could see her choking down her hurt. He was determined not to let her see him

wince across the table set for depositions. I observed a mixture of emotion fill up the

space, even when words were silent. They occasionally glanced at each other when

recalling details of their twenty-two year marriage. They were answering questions in

front of each other about the contributions they each made to their marriage, about how

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their children had been successful or not, and what they each thought would be a fair

way to divide their lives.

They were afraid to smile at or acknowledge the good parts of their history

together. They were even more afraid to show tears when recalling the decline in their

relationship. Stoic and strong was the collective focus. Then the bitterness seeped in

through a defensive response to a veiled accusation about an old wound. Bitterness

came with a bite and the easier, less complicated emotion of anger came crashing into

the room.

I can think of a handful of relationships I have had in the past that ended on a

downward spiral. Work relationships, romantic interests, tired friendships, and last and

hardest - my marriage. Relationships that ended without hearts resolved, that ended

with forgiveness unexpressed, that ended on regretted last words uttered without

apology.

The bitter burden is not an easy one. Eventually anger subsides. Sadness,

regret, and remorse take its place. The ideal solution in this sentimental space is to

mend the proverbial fence. To reach out to the person and acknowledge the sorry you

now feel. However in most post-divorce situations this is rare.

Another alternative after the anger has waned is to find the source of your

bitterness. What are you most hurt about? What would you most need to hear from

that person? Can you think of a time or experience with that person where they

authentically demonstrated the feeling you now most want from them?

Focus on forgiveness – for your sake. Focus on how you would want to be in

their presence if it were their last moment of life. Dramatic? Maybe. But it is with the

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focus on finality that we find our own choice about how we want to show up. The

sooner you can get to a place where bitter is behind you, the sooner you will find it

harder to recall the hurt. You will see that you no longer suffer. The bitterness will

dissipate and with it, the relief of resolution will release the harmful resentments holding

you back from being a better version of you.

NAME: __________________________________ DATE: ________________

PARENTING PLAN PREFERENCES QUESTIONNAIRE

When choices are given, please circle your preference. Please feel free to call the office if you have any questions as you are completing this questionnaire so that we can support you in this process. 1. CUSTODY: Please indicate your preference from the following arrangements. A. Legal Custody: Legal custody refers to the decision making for your

child(ren) under the age of 19 years and may be awarded to one parent or jointly to both parents. If a parent has sole legal custody he/she is the primary and final decision maker for important matters regarding the child(ren) such as education, health and religious matters. Further identification of decision making matters is below. The non-custodial parent will have parenting time and other rights and responsibilities that will be set forth in the Parenting Plan. Joint legal custody means that the parents share equally in the decision making for their children. Joint legal custody is generally recommended only when the parents are able to effectively communicate with one another and have similar parenting philosophies.

Pursuant to the Nebraska Parenting Act, “Joint legal custody means the mutual authority and responsibility for making mutual fundamental decisions regarding the child’s welfare, including choices regarding education and health.” The Nebraska Parenting Act further provides that, “Parenting functions means those aspects of the relationship in which a parent or person in the parenting role makes fundamental decisions and performs fundamental functions necessary for the care and development of a child. Parenting functions include but are not limited to:

(a) Maintaining a safe, stable, consistent, and nurturing relationship with the child;

(b) Attending to the ongoing developmental needs of the child, including feeding, clothing, physical care and grooming, health and medical needs, emotional stability, supervision, and appropriate conflict resolution skills and engaging in other activities appropriate to the healthy development of the child within the social and economic circumstances of the family;

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(c) Attending to adequate education for the child, including remedial or other special education essential to the best interests of the child;

(d) Assisting the child in maintaining a safe, positive, and appropriate relationship with each parent and other family members, including establishing and maintaining the authority and responsibilities of each party with respect to the child and honoring the parenting plan duties and responsibilities;

(e) Minimizing the child's exposure to harmful parental conflict;

(f) Assisting the child in developing skills to maintain safe, positive, and appropriate interpersonal relationships; and

(g) Exercising appropriate support for social, academic, athletic, or other special interests and abilities of the child within the social and economic circumstances of the family.”

In cases where the parties agree to have joint legal custody, we will propose that the Parenting Plan include the following language in an attempt to make it very clear what types of decisions for which the parents will be expected to make joint decisions. 1. Mutual Authority: The parents have equal decision making authority and all fundamental decisions shall require agreement of the parties. Neither parent has final decision making authority over the other. If agreement cannot be reached the parents shall seek formal mediation, or by agreement, may select any third party adult to act as their arbiter. 2. Fundamental Decisions: Fundamental decisions include, but are not limited to the following: A. Religion: Such as baptizing, confirmation, formal training, attendance at organized religious services, becoming a member of an organized religion, etc.; B. Education: Such as which school a child will attend, the child’s curriculum, special education, tutoring, advance placement, college preparation tests, selecting a college, etc. C. Medical: Such as the treating physicians/medical professionals, obtaining second opinions, vaccinations, treatment plans; prescription medications, non-emergency elective treatments/surgeries, etc. D. Other examples: Whether a child will be permitted to have an after school job, own a car of their own, leave the country for a vacation or mission, body piercings, tattoos, legal matters, etc. 3. Parenting Functions: Each parent shall be responsible for fulfilling all parenting functions for the minor children when the children are in his/her physical custody. The parents agree that it is in the best interests of the minor children for them to present a united front regarding the upbringing and discipline of the minor children and agree that they will attempt to have as much consistency between there homes in these matters as possible.

My preference for legal custody is: (Please circle number 1, 2 or 3) 1) Sole legal custody awarded to: □ Me □ The other parent 2) Joint legal custody, or 3) I’m not sure and I’d like to discuss it further with my attorney.

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B. Physical Custody: Physical custody refers to the physical location of the child(ren). Specific parenting time will always be awarded to each parent, regardless of who has physical custody.

My preference for physical custody is: (Please circle number 1, 2, 3 or 4)

1) Primary residence with: □ Me □ The other parent 2) Shared physical custody with my child(ren) spending equal or near equal

time with both parents, 3) Split custody: When not all children have their primary residence with the same parent, custody may be split between the parents. If this is your preference, please complete the chart below. 4) I’m not sure and I’d like to discuss it further with my attorney. Complete ONLY if you want split custody of your children. Name of minor child Indicate name of parent(s) to

have legal custody Name of parent to have physical custody

IMPORTANT NOTE: Shared physical custody or split physical custody can result in a dramatically reduced child support amount. 2. ROUTINE PARENTING TIME: Parenting time schedules should be in the best interest of your child(ren). Please state your preference for the regular on-going parenting time the other parent would have with your child(ren). Please include your preferred start and end times. Weekday(s): Each: Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday (Circle applicable week day) Starting at ______ and ending at _____ the same day or overnight ending at _____ the following day. Alternating Weekends: Starting at: _______ (time) on: Friday Saturday Sunday (circle one) Ending at: _______ (time) on: Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday (circle one) Other:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________

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2a. Parenting Time for Long Distance Parents: The geographic location of the parents may make it impractical or financially impossible for weekly parenting time. In those cases, additional parenting time is typically built in to holiday and school break parenting time and also when children have extended weekends off from school. Provisions may be included for parenting time in the custodial parent’s location a few times each year upon a specified number of days advance notice. If these are your circumstances, please let us know your thoughts on what you think reasonable parenting time for the other parent should be. □ Not Applicable ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 3. HOLIDAY PARENTING TIME: Please state your preference for holiday time sharing. A typical plan provides that the major holidays be alternated annually. However, if each parent has particular holidays that are especially important to them, this can be accommodated. Example: “Mother will always have the children in her possession for Christmas morning and Father will always have possession of the children on Thanksgiving Day.”

You may also include other holidays such as Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, etc.

Note: We discourage splitting the day of a holiday as our experience has been that this creates stress for both the children and parents. Similarly, we discourage court orders for joint celebrations. (e.g. children’s birthdays) as parents often will have significant others, spouses, and other children in the years which follow a divorce and such provisions can prove problematic. Examples: A blank chart appears after the following examples for you to fill in your preferences for your plan.

Holiday Parenting Time Starts

Parenting Time Ends

Even-numbered years

Odd-numbered years

New Year’s Day 5:00 p.m. on December 31st

8:00 a.m. on January 2nd

Mother Father

Easter 5:00 p.m. on the Friday before Easter

7:00 p.m. on Easter Sunday

Father Mother

Mother’s Day 5:00 p.m. on the Saturday before Mother’s Day

8:00 a.m. the following Monday

Mother Mother

Memorial Day Weekend

5:00 p.m. the Friday before Memorial Day Monday

8:00 a.m. on the following Tuesday

Mother Father

Father’s Day 5:00 p.m. on the Saturday before Mother’s Day

8:00 a.m. the following Monday

Father Father

Fourth of July 5:00 p.m. on July 3rd

8:00 a.m. on July 5th

Father Mother

Labor Day Weekend 5:00 p.m. the Friday before Labor Day Monday

8:00 a.m. on the following Tuesday

Father Mother

Halloween (Observed only through the youngest child’s age 12)

3:00 p.m. on October 31st

8:00 a.m. on November 1st

Mother Father

Thanksgiving 5:00 p.m. on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving

7:00 p.m. the following Sunday

Father Mother

Christmas Eve Upon the child(ren)’s dismissal from school for the holiday/winter break

8:00 p.m. on December 24th

Mother Father

Christmas Day 8:00 p.m. on December 24th

8:00 p.m. on December 27th

Father Mother

Your Preferences: Please write in your preferred start and stop times below. Please add any holidays not listed below which you want provided for in your plan such as holidays observed by your or the other parent’s religion, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, etc. Please note that the ten (10) holidays listed below must be addressed in the Parenting Plan, even if only to state that the regular parenting time schedule will be observed for the holiday.

4. BIRTHDAYS OF THE MINOR CHILD(REN): Please tell us how you would like to share parenting time for your child(ren)’s birthdays. If there is more than one child, it is assumed that all children will be included in the birthday parenting time of each child. Some options to consider: (Please circle one option)

A. Alternate physical possession of the birthday child and any siblings annually, starting at _______ a.m. p.m. (circle one) on ________________and ending at ________ a.m. p.m. (circle one) on ______________________.

B. Whichever parent does not have possession of the birthday child on his or her actual birthday, will have possession of the birthday child and any siblings, the day before or the day after the actual birthday from 5 p.m. until 8 p.m.

C. Share time on the actual birthday. (Not recommended) D. Prefer no provision. Child(ren) shall remain with whichever parent happens to

Holiday Parenting Time Starts Parenting Time Ends Even Numbered Years with which Parent

New Years Day

Easter

Mother’s Day Mother all years

Memorial Day

Father’s Day Father all years

4th of July

Labor Day

Thanksgiving

Christmas Eve

Christmas Day

Other:

Other:

Other:

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have possession on the birthday. E. Other: _______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ 5. PARENT’S BIRTHDAYS: Some options to consider: (Please circle one)

A. Parents to have possession of the child(ren) on their respective birthdays from ______ a.m. p.m. (circle one) until ______ a.m. p.m. (circle one)

B. Prefer no provision. C. Other: _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________

6. HALF SIBLING BIRTHDAYS: Do you want to include parenting time for your child(ren)’s half siblings? Yes No (circle one) Example: On the birthday of any half sibling of the minor child(ren), the child shall have parenting time with the shared parent commencing at 9:00 a.m. or upon his/her release from school if school is in session, until 9:00 a.m. the following morning to allow the minor child to fully participate in any celebration activities with his sibling. If a parent

will lose his/her parenting time to accommodate sibling birthday parenting time, that time shall be made up in advance during the 5 days prior to the birthday.

7. STEP PARENT BIRTHDAYS: Do you want to include parenting time for step parents? Yes No (circle one) Example: On the birthday of a spouse of the minor child’s mother or father, parenting

time shall commence at 5:00 p.m. and conclude at 9:00 p.m. on the step parent’s birthday to allow the minor child to participate in any celebration.

8. VACATION: A typical plan will provide for each parent to a have two weeks (14 days) of vacation parenting time. If your child(ren) are very young, you may want to have fewer vacation days until they reach certain ages.

A. Please tell us your preference for the number of vacation days each year. 2 Weeks 3 Weeks Other: _________ (circle one)

B. Here are some provisions to consider (Please read all options before selecting your preferred options):

1. Vacation parenting time may only be taken as two (2) separate one-week periods of 7 consecutive days each. □ Yes □ No

2. Vacation parenting time may only be taken as one (1) two-week period of

14 consecutive days. □ Yes □ No 3. Vacation parenting time may be taken in either two (2) one-week periods

of 7 consecutive days or one (1) two-week period of 14 consecutive days. □ Yes □ No

4. Up to three (3) vacation days may be taken in single days and the remaining vacation days must be taken in increments of no less than five (5) consecutive days. (Customize to what works best for you.)

5. Vacation parenting time may be taken in consecutive days or broken

down into in any other full day increments. □ Yes □ No NOTE: This option has been problematic when one parent elects to use vacation days one day at a time, extending regular weekend parenting time over the summer or infringing upon the other parent’s weekend parenting time.

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6. Vacation parenting time may be added to regular parenting time, thereby extending the period of uninterrupted parenting time. □ Yes □ No

7. If vacation parenting time is added to regular parenting time, in no event shall the period of uninterrupted time exceed ______ consecutive days.

□ Yes □ No

8. Vacation days may be used even if the parent does not intend to leave the area for the vacation period. □ Yes □ No

9. Vacation parenting time may be used at any time during the year but the

child(ren) may not be taken out of school for vacation except by mutual agreement of the parents. □ Yes □ No

10. Vacation parenting time must be used during the child(ren)’s summer

break from school. □ Yes □ No 11. Other: ____________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________

C. Vacation Notice Requirement: Some options to consider. (Please circle one) 1. Each parent will give as much notice as possible to the non-vacationing parent, but no less than a thirty (30) day notice of their intent to exercise vacation parenting time.

2. By May 15th of each year the parents will provide their vacation dates to the other parent. In the event of a conflict, the mother will have first choice of dates in even number years and the father will have first choice of dates in odd-numbered years.

3. Other: ____________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________ Important Note Regarding Extended Vacation Time and Child Support: The Nebraska Child Support Guidelines state: “During visitation or parenting time periods of 28 days or more in any 90-day period, support payments may be reduced by up to 80 percent. The amount of any reduction for extended parenting time shall be specified in the court’s order and shall be presumed to apply to the months designated in the order.” 9. RIGHT OF FIRST REFUSAL: This is an option which requires the parent in possession of the child(ren) to first contact the other parent to allow him/her the option of providing child care for the child(ren) when he/she must arrange for alternate care.

We recommend identifying a minimum number of hours which triggers the Right of First Refusal provision. This avoids the need to communicate with the other parent when you are going to be away from your child(ren) for only a brief time.

Example: At any such time as one of the parents shall not be able to provide his or her personal care of the minor child(ren) of the parties for a period of 24 hours or more, the other parent shall have the right to elect to provide said care before all others, including grandparents, stepparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.

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Note: The Right of First Refusal option has proven very problematic for parents, especially those that do not get along well or those that do not communicate well. We strongly discourage including this provision in your Parenting Plan. If you do elect to include this provision we recommend that the minimum number of hours that triggers the right of first refusal not be less than 8 hours to minimize the number of times the right is applicable. Include this provision in your plan? Yes No (Circle one) If yes, What is the minimum # of hours which triggers notice to other parent of option to care for the child(ren) _______ 10. TRANSPORTATION: We strongly recommend that your Plan include a provision regarding responsibility for the transportation of the minor child(ren) to facilitate parenting time. This issue is particularly important when the parents do not live close to each other. Financial matters may not be addressed in the Parenting Plan. The issue of costs, such as for airline tickets, should be addressed in the Decree or Order of Modification. Some options to consider: (Please circle one) a. The mother father (Circle one) will be responsible for all transportation to facilitate

his/her parenting time. b. The mother father (Circle one) will be responsible for delivering the minor child(ren)

to the other parent’s home at the start of parenting time, and the father mother (Circle one) will be responsible for returning the child(ren) to the other parent’s home at the conclusion of his/her parenting time. (See note below)

c. The parent commencing his/her parenting time shall pick up the minor child. Note: We recommend that if transportation is to be shared, that the non-custodial parent be responsible for returning the children. This avoids the custodial parent waiting in the driveway of the other parent should there be any delay and allows the non-custodial parent to return the child(ren) from any location without adding the necessity of a communication to the other parent.) 11. EXTENDED FAMILY: Do you wish to make any provisions regarding either parent making the children accessible to his or her extended family and supporting these relationships? Yes No (Circle one) ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 12. RELIGION: A provision regarding the religious upbringing of your child(ren) is not a required provision in the Parenting Plan. If this is an important provision for you, and you want it included in your plan, please indicate your preference for the religious upbringing of your child(ren). No Yes - The children should be raised in the _____________ faith. (Circle one) If yes, please give consideration to any religious services, training, ceremonies, etc. that your faith requires/observes and whether the other parent will be cooperative in seeing that the children attend these classes/events/ceremonies during his/her parenting time. Are there any special provisions you want to include in your plan? ___________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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13. MEDIATION CLAUSE: Mediation can sometimes reduce the risk of future litigation. Would you like to include a provision that in the event the parents have a dispute about an issue in the Parenting Plan (other than an emergency), they will seek the assistance of a mediator prior to filing any legal action? Yes No (Circle one) Note: This provision is mandatory in Douglas County Case. 14. COMMUNICATION PROTOCOL FOR HIGH CONFLICT CASES; If communication is challenging for you and the other parent, would you like to include directives that communication between you will be primarily through the use of email? Yes No (Circle one) 15. OTHER: Please bring to our attention any parenting issue that is of concern to you. Some parents include provisions addressing the children’s homework, special diets, medical regimes, musical lessons, extracurricular activities, clothing, tattoos, haircuts, piercings, etc.. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 16. CHILD RELATED EXPENSES: NOTE: Financial matters MAY NOT be included in the Parenting Plan. However, this matter is an important consideration when determining whether parents should agree to joint physical custody. When the joint physical custody child support calculation is used, the parents typically are also required to share in the payment of child related expenses above and beyond the payment of child support and this provision would be included as part of the Decree of Dissolution or Paternity Decree. The following is some sample language regarding the sharing of child related expenses for your consideration. SAMPLE: The parties will share in the payment of their child(ren)’s expenses with the Plaintiff paying _____ percent (____%) and the Defendant paying ____ percent (____%) of expenses including but not limited to clothing, foot wear, undergarments, school related expenses such as lunch tickets, activity fees, testing fees, enrollment fees for summer camps, participation in dance or music lessons, participation in sports or other extracurricular activities to include the child’s reasonable travel expenses, fees, uniforms and equipment; driver’s education classes, auto insurance when the child(ren) is able to drive, senior photographs, homecoming and prom expenses, graduation fee, cost of graduation announcements, gown, hat, tassel, etc. and all other expenses. (Being very specific here can avoid conflict later.) Prior to incurring an expense exceeding __________ dollars ($______) (you set the threshold amount) the parties shall consult with one another regarding the expense in order to reach agreement on the expense. When discussing an expense, each parent shall have the right to reasonably limit the amount of a specific expense to what he/she considers a reasonable amount. Example: A child may want a pair of designer sneakers or jeans that cost $200.00 a pair. A parent shall have the right to limit his or her contribution for that item to a specific sum that he/she truly believes is a reasonable amount for a pair of sneakers or jeans. The other parent and/or the child are free to make up the difference if they so choose. This provision is not intended as an avenue for one parent to not pay his/her fair share of the child(ren)’s expenses, but rather to ensure that one parent’s view of a necessary expense does not create a financial hardship upon the other parent or interfere in a parent’s right to instill his/her financial values upon the child(ren). At least quarterly the parties shall exchange and compare documentation of the expenses they have paid for their child(ren). The expenses shall be added together and each party’s respective share determined. In the event a reimbursement is due from one parent to the other the parent owing the reimbursement shall pay what is owed by the 15th day of the month following the month the amount of the reimbursement was determined. Rev. 11/14/13

PARENTING SEMINARS

Organization Contact Person

Name of Seminar When Offered Cost Certificate of Attendance

Conciliation Court at Douglas County Courthouse 17th & Farnam Streets, Omaha, NE

Conciliation Court 444-7168

“What About the Children” (level 1 seminar for Douglas County)

Some Thursdays Call for schedule

$50.00 payable to Clerk of Douglas County District Court *$25.00 fine if you cancel

Not required if case is Douglas County Case Will be issued to those whose cases are not in Douglas County

Concord Center 4225 North 90th St Omaha, NE

Grant Story 345-1131

“What About the Children” (level 1 seminar for Douglas County)

4:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. Once per month on Mondays for women Once per month on Mondays for men

$50.00 payable to Concord Center

Will be issued to all attendees (please send a copy to the office to be filed on your behalf)

Relationship Connections Confluence Book Store 505 Cornhusker Road, #107, Bellevue, NE

Beverly Truttman 659-8354

“Parallel Parenting as a Team” ? level

10:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. the 2nd Saturday of each month

$40.00 payable to Relationship Connections

Will be issued to all attendees (please send a copy to the office to be filed on your behalf)

Concord Center 9802 Nicholas Street, Suite 375, Omaha, NE

Conciliation Court 444-7168

“Reaching Beyond Conflict” (level 2 seminar for Douglas County – used in modification matters)

4:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. Once per month on Mondays for women Once per month on Mondays for men

$50.00 payable to Clerk of Douglas County District Court *$25.00 fine if you cancel

Not required

Great Plains Counseling Center, LLC 205 Galvin Road North, Bellevue, NE 68005

292-7712 ext. 10

“Who’s Taking Care of the Children?” For Parents

9:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. on the alternating Saturdays, call for available dates & 6:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. on alternating Wednesdays, call for available dates &

$60.00 cash or credit card

Will be issued to all attendees

Great Plains Counseling Center, LLC 205 Galvin Road North, Bellevue, NE 68005

292-7712 ext. 10

“Who’s Taking Care of the Children?” For Children

6:30 p.m. – 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday – this is a 6 week course for grades 4-6th and 7-9th

$150.00 cash or credit card

Not required

REQUIRED SEMINAR ATTENDANCE Please refer to the Nebraska Parenting Act Information Brochure. If you have not

received this 15 page 5 ½” x 8 ½” white booklet please let us know and we will be happy to provide you with a copy. Divorce and New Paternity Cases

The Nebraska Parenting Act requires all parties to divorce or paternity actions to attend a level one parenting seminar.

Enclosed please find a chart with information on available seminars. The dates, times, and costs are subject to change, so please verify this information when you call to make your reservation. You will need to pay the registration fee.

Please forward us a copy of your certificate of completion once you have attended the seminar. For cases pending in the District Court of Douglas County Nebraska, if you attend the “What About the Children” seminar through the Conciliation Court, a certificate of completion is not necessary. Failure to attend the required seminar may result in your case being dismissed in Douglas County cases. We recommend attending the seminar in the very early weeks of your case. Modification Cases

For cases pending in the District Court of Douglas County Nebraska, parties are required to attend the seminar “Reaching Beyond Conflict”. You may make reservations to attend this seminar through the Conciliation Court or through The Concord Center. You will need your Docket and Page Number to make your reservation. You will need to pay the registration fee.

We recommend attending the seminar in the very early weeks of your case. 7/23/09

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PARENTING PLAN

NEGOTIATED or MEDIATED

The Nebraska Parenting Act requires the development of a Parenting Plan which may either be negotiated between the parties with the aid of their respective attorneys or with the aid of a mediator. Negotiation: One of the parties’ attorneys will prepare a proposed Parenting Plan for their client’s review and comment. Some clients choose to review the plan together with the other party and then relay any agreed upon revisions to the attorney. Others will have the plan prepared to their satisfaction and then it is forwarded to the other party’s attorney for review with his/her client and for any requested revisions.

The plan would be revised until it meets with the approval of both parties or until it is clear that certain issues remain disputed. If this is the case, mediation must then be attempted. Mediation: The mediator is an impartial third party who is trained to help parties reach their own agreement. The fee for the mediator is typically shared by the parties and is usually payable at the time of mediation. The mediator will meet or have a telephone conference with each party individually and then determine whether a face-to-face meeting of the mediator and the two parties would be beneficial. It is up to the mediator whether a face to face meeting will occur. Mediation results in either:

a) a fully mediated Parenting Plan, the most desirable outcome; b) a partial mediated Parenting Plan, meaning that a few unresolved issues remain,

but that there was enough agreed upon that the agreements should be submitted to the Court; or

c) total failure, which means that no significant agreements were reached and that it will be necessary for the judge to decide all of the issues of the Parenting Plan.

7/15/09

Sometimes when making decisions about parenting, it is good to step back and ask yourself important questions to get clear on your intentions. When creating a parenting plan, ask yourself this:

• What am I most worried about? • What is the most important issue to be addressed?

What are the next two in order? • What scares me? • What are my intentions with respect to how I treat my children? • How important will this be in 6 months? In one year (or five)? • How will this affect my child(ren)? • What is fair for my child(ren)? • Am I more concerned with being right or for what is best for my child(ren)?

When your co-parent asks for a change in the regular parenting schedule:

• What is my intention in granting/denying? Are you deciding based on an assumption you will be able to leverage something in the future? Are you declining because you are annoyed about a past decision your former spouse made?

• Would this deviation be good or bad for my child? • Am I saying “no” for me or for them?

For Holiday Parenting Time, ask yourself:

• What do I really want? • Why it is meaningful? • Is it as meaningful for my children? • Have I asked my children what they most need/want during the holidays

(besides a plethora of presents)? • What worries am I trying to alleviate? • What joys am I trying to create? • Can I accomplish my holiday traditions in a new and meaningful way? • Can I set expectations that are more reliant on my own actions?