collaborating through conflict...latent conflict in school-based relationships parents focused on...
TRANSCRIPT
Collaborating Through Conflict
Caroline Nelson, JD, AM Eanes ISD
Why are you here?
What do you want from school-based relationships?
Have you had an experience with someone that was really difficult? (parent, colleague, administrator, teacher)
What’s difficult about each of these roles?
How do they help and hinder you in your job?
What we’re going to do today
The nature of conflict
Conflict styles/responses under stress
School-based relationships
Difficult (crucial, fierce…) conversations
Quick tour of the source materials
The Nature of Conflict
What is it?
Why does it happen?
What does it look like?
When can I expect it?
con-flict
a state of disharmony between incompatible, antithetical, or opposing persons, ideas or interests;
a struggle resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires or tendencies;
a state of open fighting, battle or war
Sources of conflict
Different problem-solving styles
Unmet psychological needs
Misperceptions
Limited resources
Miscommunication
Different values
Different learning and processing styles
Types of Conflict
Can You Identify These in School?
Low-impact Conflict
Latent Conflict
Transient Conflict
Representational Conflict
Stubborn Conflict
Enduring Conflict
Latent Conflict in School-Based Relationships
PARENTS Focused on this child, balanced with needs of siblings Emotions in play; aren’t necessarily choosing to be here Horizon: adult life
TEACHERS, SERVICE PROVIDERS Focused on this child, balanced with needs of case load Intellect, facts, training; choose to be here Horizon: this school year or school level
ADMINISTRATORS & OTHER SCHOOL PROFESSIONALS
It’s inevitable, so…
Shift thinking from resolution to management, reactivity to proactivity
Can’t manage it without knowing something about it
Know Thyself…
Why identify your conflict style? Recognize when you are triggered Recognizing what you see in others
“Your Style Under Stress” assessment
Recognizing Conflict Styles
Flight, silence, avoidance Masking Avoiding/evading Withdrawing Shutting down
Fight, aggression, violence Controlling Labeling Attacking
Strategies for Managing Conflict
Bang for the buck: go for low-hanging fruit
The barometer: monitor and respond to safety issues
Lessons from meteorology: when a watch turns into a warning
Don’t forget to act!
Start with you
Bang for the buck: The only person you can directly control is yourself
Focus on what you really want
Professional judgment, best practices, what’s best for the student
What do I want for myself, for others, for the relationship?
What does my behavior tell me about my motives?
Recognize when safety is at risk
Keep an eye on the barometer
Look at content and conditions High stakes High emotion Varying opinions
Watch others’ behavior – fight or flight?
Look for outbreaks of your style under stress
Building safety
When pressure changes…
Step out of the conversation
What’s at risk? (This is what you’re trying to get back to) Mutual purpose Mutual respect
Apologize when appropriate
Skill: Contrast I don’t intend/mean… I do intend/mean…
Are you triggered?
When a watch turns into a warning… Retrace your path Notice your behavior: fight or flight? Identify the feelings behind the behavior Ask: what story are you telling yourself?
Tell the rest of the story Perhaps only to yourself Ask – does this match the facts?
Get back to the facts
Turning conversation into action
Finish clearly: Who does what by when? How to monitor and report progress?
What if nothing needs to happen?
SuperHeroes of Relationships: The Non-Quantifiables
Trust
Communication
Feeling Known and Understood
Communication
How much, what kind and how do I do it?
Truth
“There are no facts, only interpretations.” Friedrich Neitzsche
Find and explore the gap
Substitute “and” for “but”
Impact vs. intent
Goal: create a “learning conversation”
Listen First
“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears.”
Dean Rusk
What are you listening for?
Attitude of curiosity and patience
Skill: ask questions to get at interests
Feeling Known and Understood
You and your counterpart
Sharing your views and figuring out theirs
Establish common ground/agree with what you can
Compare when views differ (vs. judging — not right/wrong – just a contrast)
Get to the WHY behind the WHAT
When you have a tough message to share
Share your facts
Check your story (and maybe tell it… or not)
Ask for others’ facts and story
Encourage clarifying
Trust
Competence and Character
13 Trust Behaviors
And the winner is… Best theme: Communication is about the content AND the
relationship
Best skill: contrasting (“I want to accomplish […my real goal…], but I don’t want to do […what you are afraid of…]”
Best mind-set: A conflict/difficult conversation is an opportunity for a learning conversation – problem-solving is in the gap between the stories.
Best German philosopher quote: “There are no facts, only interpretations.”
Best skill and mind-set in a dual role: “and,” not “but”
Yours?