DIALECTSInstructor: Mr. Tung Nguyen Class: 4BPD Group : 7Group members:Lý Ngọc Trà AnNgô Hương GiangTrần Như HạnhTrần Thị Mỹ HạnhPhạm Thị Hồng ThắmNguyễn Thị Thảo Tiên

A. RELATIONAL DIALECTICSI. Autonomy-ConnectionII. Openness - closednessIII. Novelty-predictabilityB. MANAGING DIALECTICAL TENSIONSI. Cyclic alternationII. IntergrationIII. NeutralizationIV. Reframing Relationships

OUTLINE

Relational Dialectics

Autonomy-Connection

Openess-Closeness

Novelty & Predictability

AUTONOMY-CONNECTION

Autonomy = desire to do things independent of your partner.

Connection = desire to link your actions and decisions with your partner.

Autonomy-Connection = desire to have ties and connections with others versus the need to separate yourself as a unique individual.

EXAMPLE 1

As an athlete, Zack wants to feel a part of a team but he also wants to highlight his individual talents.

EXAMPLE 2

Joel and Shelly have been dating for about a year. Shelly wants to spend most of her free time with Joel and enjoys talking with Joel before acting or making decisions, but Joel has begun to feel hemmed in. Shelly is at peace and may not recognize any tension between autonomy and connection. On the other hand, Joel is feeling the tension between wanting to be more autonomous without jeopardizing his connection to Shelly. If Joel begins to act autonomously, he may relieve his own tension but at the same time create tension in the relationship.

EXAMPLE 3

Jasmine doesn’t need to be with her husband when there is work to do, whether it is around the house, running errands, or actually going to work. She wants to be alone. She can work all day, be on her own doing it, and it is something she doesn’t need her husband to be there for her with. When they are with family, friends being on vacation, planning activities and trips she wants her husband by her side and for them to do everything together. He wants to be autonomous when it comes to watching sports, and wants her with him when they are out with friends.

OPENESS & CLOSEDNESS

Presenter:

Trần Như Hạnh

In any relationship, verbal revelation and concealment act as critical gatekeepers in moving a relationship to greater or lesser intimacy.

Verbal self-disclosure often follows a trust-risk dilemma. To trust someone, you have to be willing to take some risks to share some unique information about yourself.

You have just known a new friend and you really want to share more information about yourself with her because you want to get closer to her. You have to take risk to share about your unique information in order to let her know more about you. However, you also worry that she will betray you the exclusive information you have just shared. Therefore, it arises the trust- risk dilemma – to tell or not to tell.

EXAMPLE

Openness is the desire to share intimate ideas and feelings with your partner.

OPENESS

Openness refers to the disclosure of information concerning the different facets of the public self( e.g., interest, hobbies, political opinions, career aspirations) and/or the private self (e.g., deep family issues, identity, self-image and self-esteem issues).

Closedness is the desire to maintain privacy.

CLOSEDNESS

Closedness refers to the lack of disclosure or sharing of exclusive information about either the public self or the private self. The term public self refers to those facets of the person that are readily available and are easily shared with others, the term private self refers to those facets of the person that are potentially communicable but are not usually shared with others.

Self-disclosure is one of the key factors in developing a personalized relationship in any culture or ethic group.

Self-disclosure is the deliberate process of revealing significant information about oneself that would not normally be known.

The breadth of self-disclosure refers to the number of topics a person is willing to share with others. For instance, when two friends meet for drinks or a meal, the number of topics is typically large. Issues can range from travel plans, to dating experiences, to school and work updates.

The depth of self-disclosure refers to the level of intimacy or emotional vulnerability a person is willing to reveal in her or his conversation exchange process. For example, when two close friends talk about their interracial dating experiences, the depth of disclosure usually consists of intimate details, the high and low points, concerns, frustrations, family reactions, and exhilaration points.

Therefore, you may also converse on similar topics with acquantances or coworkers but really go to more deep and intimate levels – revealing your fears, worries, pride or joy – with selective friends

NOVELTY - PREDICTABILITY

NoveltyFamilyRoutines

Routine

Security Predictability

Novelty: desire for originality freshness

uniqueness Predictability: desire for

consistency reliability dependability

Shelly and Joel have been dating for a year

much of the uncertaintyis gone from their relationship

=>

But they do not want to eliminate uncertainty altogether.

With no uncertainty at all, a relationship becomes so predictable and so routine that it is boring.

Although Shelly and Joel know each other well, can predict much about each other, and have quite a few routines in their relationship, they also want to be surprised and have new experiences with each other.

They each need some amount of both novelty and predictability in the relationship.

Dialectical tensions exist in all relationships — not just romantic ones — and they are always in flux.

It’s nice that we always have a movie date on Saturdays (predictability), but may be we should change things up tonight (novelty).

Successfully negotiating the predictability-novelty tension is important because boredom is one of the top reasons couples break up.

Sometimes these dialectical tensions are active and in the foreground; at other times they are in the background. Nevertheless, when these tension are experienced, they change what is happening in the relationship (Wood, 2000).

MANAGING DIALECTICAL TENSIONS

►Cyclic alternation►Segmentation►Selection►Integration

A. CYCLIC ALTERNATION

Cyclic alternation is strategy for coping with dialectic tensions in a relationship that allows us to isolate separate arenas, such as work and home, for using each pole in the opposition .

For instance, if Eileen discloses a great deal with her mother when she is in high school and then keep much more information private from her mother when she goes to college, she is engaging in cyclic alternation.By sometimes being open and other times keeping silent, cyclic alternation allows Eileen to satisfy both goals.

SEGMENTATION

Segmentation allows people to isolate separate arenas for using privacy and openness .

For example, if Mac Thomas works in a business with his father, Joe, they may not disclose to one another at work but do so when they are together in a family setting.

SELECTION

Selection means that you choose one of the opposites and ignore your need for the other .

For instance, Rosie might decide that disclosing to her friend, Tina, isn’t working.Tina fails to be empathic and has occasionally told something Rosie told her in confidence to another friend.Rosie can use selection and simply stop disclosing to Tina altogether, making their relationship less open but less stressful .

B. INTEGRATION

DisqualifyingNeutralizingReframing

DISQUALIFYING

Disqualifying allows people to cope with tensions by exempting certain issues from the general pattern .

TABOO TOPICS

Relationship problems are another type of "stress" we all experience from time to time. Conflicts can arise with our spouse, parents, children, friends, co-workers, employees, bosses, or even with total strangers.

C. NEUTRALIZATION

1. HOW TO DEAL WITH RELATIONSHIP STRESS

How To Deal With Relationship Problems Step 1: DEFINE YOUR PROBLEM(S) SPECIFICALLY--i.e. "My

husband never talks to me," "My boss hates my guts," "I can't stand to be around X for more than two minutes," or "I'm in love with Y, but he/she isn't interested in me."

Step 2: RELATE TO EACH OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AS FEEDBACK--i.e. assume you are partly the cause of the problem.

Step 3: IDENTIFY THE SPECIFIC CONVERSATIONS AND ACTION PATTERNS within you that are causing your relationship problems to occur or persist.

Step 4: REMIND YOURSELF that these hidden patterns EXIST IN YOUR BODY, not your mind.

Step 5: TAKE ACTION TO NEUTRALIZE THESE HIDDEN CAUSES--i.e. challenge your stress-producing conversations; disrupt your automatic behavior patterns; create relationship- enhancing contexts.

Step 6: If your relationship problems don't improve, REPEAT STEPS 1-5 AND/OR GET COACHING.

2. RELATIONSHIP-DESTROYING PATTERNS

Many of us assume that our relationships should just work out by virtue of our inherent goodness and kindness. Our thinking goes something like this: "Human beings are naturally loving, caring, committed individuals who only need to find the right kind of partner to live happily ever after."

To succeed in our relationships, therefore, we must learn to recognize and deal with the hidden relationship-destroying patterns within us. Not only must we know how to deal with these patterns in ourselves, but we must also know how to deal with similar patterns in other people as well.

We have already discussed several of these patterns. Take the issue of control, for instance. Much of our relationship stress comes from our conscious and unconscious eff orts to change or control other people. We want others to behave in certain ways, and when we can't get them to, we become angry and resentful. The more we try to change them and fail, the more angry, frustrated, and depressed we are likely to become.

We are also very critical and judgmental of other people. Internal conversations such as GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG, CAUSE/EFFECT, AND PERFECTIONISM commonly contribute to our interpersonal problems.

D. REFRAMING RELATIONSHIPS

No doubt one of the most complicated aspects of our existence comes from trying to be authentic while we interact with other people. Reframing relationships is a very diffi cult task.

Intimate relationships can experience every emotion associated with frigidity, abandonment, betrayal as well as bazaar rituals and appetites

Equally there are challenges that arise with people in every social group from our religious gatherings to our work environment.

If we are to reframe how we view others, every moment of every day we must remain alert to one truth – “I am the diamond and others are the polishing agents.”  Others will not realize the role we have assigned to them but they will serve us once we have chosen to view everyone as our personal polishing agent.  The harsher the abrasive, the brighter we will shine.