Communication

Communicationand

Active Listening

Communication

● What is communication?● A continuous, irreversible, trans-active process

involving communicators who occupy different but overlapping environments and are simultaneously senders and receivers of messages, many of which are distorted by physical and psychological noise.

● B.O.G.S.A.T.

Communication

Communication● It's is not what you say,

it's what they hear.● If it doesn’t matter to them,

it won’t be heard. ● 7% verbal, 38% vocal, 55% visual

— not true.

Communication● 3Vs — Verbal: the words you use

➢ Conveys content, delivers simple meaning. ➢ Email, asynchronous. doesn't always help.

● 3Vs — Vocal: how you say it➢ volume, pitch, and timbre➢ conveys emotion, meaningfulness of the message.➢ Telephone is synchronous...when email fails

● 3Vs — Visual: how you appear➢ body language, facial expressions, first impressions.➢ the medium is the message.➢ Face to Face is the best interface.

Communication

To your partner: “What's wrong?”

Not a t hing.nothing

Nothing!NothingNothing

Nothing

Body Language

● You can't fake it.➢ way too much body language to control consciously➢ thousands of body language signals every minute➢ broadcast how we’re feeling and thinking➢ mind's controlled expression

≠ body's micro-expressions➢ Whatever is in your mind will come out through

your body language● Duchenne vs Pan-Am smiles

➢ Spot the fake smile (look at the eyes)

Charisma

● Be present● Believe in your power● Convey warmth (compassion)

➢ Based on research of Olivia Fox Cabane which she calls “charisma”

● Instead of “body language” or communication tricks and techniques,

➢ Be there, right there, only there➢ Be confident➢ Be with the other person

Charisma — Presence

● Be completely present with the other person in the moment. “Be here now.”

● people can read facial expressions in 17 milliseconds

● Others sense smallest delays in your reactions if you are not “present”, not fully conversing.

➢ You become inauthentic.● Converse as if they are the only person in the

world, they are the centre of the universe

Charisma — Presence

To stay present in a conversation:● focus on the physical sensations in your toes

for just a moment...forces brain to sweep body from head to toe...gets you very physically present in the moment

● focus on the colours of their eyes➢ dazzling array of colours can be captivating➢ don't over do it.

● don’t try to impress them. Let them impress you

Charisma — Power

● Power: their perception of your ability to affect the world.

● Body position: claim space➢ wide stance, shoulders back, hands behind back

• makes elbows come out, puts your chest forward, makes you look bigger

➢ Creates biochemical boost, feel more powerful, your body language adapts, cycle builds upon itself

➢ Do this before the conversation● Good posture during the conversation

Charisma — Power

● Problem believing in power: low self-confidence● imposter syndrome

➢ feel you don’t really know what you're doing➢ just a matter of time before you’re found out➢ estimated to hit 70% to 80% of the population

Charisma — Power

● Destigmatize: nobody's perfect➢ There is no shame in not knowing everything➢ Perfection is the enemy of the good➢ We are all good enough to learn and explore

● Detach: our thoughts are not accurate ➢ brain filters for relevant information➢ selective representation of reality➢ distorted thinking tricks our mind into being certain

that an inaccurate thought is true➢ Your worst case scenario is unlikely, maybe even

impossible. Don't worry. Don't assume.

Charisma — Warmth

● Warmth is how much someone gives us the impression that they like us.

● Warmth tells us whether someone would be inclined to use their power in our favour.

● We perceive warmth almost entirely through body language and behaviour.

● You deliver warmth with your eyes and voice.● You cannot fake warmth.

Charisma — Warmth

● Warmth is the sensitivity, friendliness and consideration you convey

● Warmth is “unconditional positive regard”● Demonstrated by

➢ your commitment to the conversation➢ your effort to understand the other person

Charisma — Warmth

● It’s hard to emit warmth when ➢ You’re in the grip of self-criticism:

you think you just said something stupid.➢ You are holding on to anger:

someone was rude to you on your way here.● because your face and voice will show it● or their face and voice will show it if they have

negative emotions

Charisma — Warmth

● Rewrite reality:● The person who rudely cut you off on your

journey here was responding to a life or death emergency.

● The negative emotion you saw on the other person's face is self-directed, not you-directed.

● Do unto yourself as you would do unto others: Be self-forgiving and self-compassionate.

Charisma — Warmth

● How do you actually create warmth? ● imagine someone for whom you have great

affection. ➢ Thanks to placebo effect, the warmth actually will

be genuine.● Brain does not know the difference between

imagination and reality. Emotional reaction occurs in both cases; it's why movies and novels work.

Charisma — Warmth

● Dealing with difficult people:➢ Find three things about that person that you can

approve of, even if those things are trivial.• sends your brain down a certain path which impacts your

body language➢ Imagine their history, imagine their present:

“there but for the grace of God, go I.”“Be kind for everyone is fighting a great battle.”

• Generates empathy and compassion

Charisma

● Charisma is presence, power, and warmth.● It’s all about them. It’s all about them. ● Self-confidence is crucial.● Be authentic.● Reframe your brain:

➢ power posture ➢ rewrite reality to generate positive emotion

Listening

● We spend about 1/2 our day listening.● Speed of words/min

➢ writing 25 ― 30➢ speaking 125 ― 200➢ reading 240 ― 600➢ listening 400 ― 600➢ Thinking 600 ― 1200+

● Attention is a most scarce and valuable resource➢ Ironically, because the brain has too many spare

cycles

Listening

● Successful sales people:● speak little and listen much. ● When they do speak, their voices fluctuate

strongly in amplitude and pitch, suggesting interest and responsiveness to the customer’s needs.(The Science of Subtle Signals)

Remembering

● Remembering is just hard as listening.● Memory improves with

➢ Emotional engagement➢ Multi-modal processing: hear, see, write, say

● Listen to the Verbal and the Vocal tone● See the Visuals

➢ Are the messages in all 3Vs consistent?● Make notes● Actively Listen

Understanding

● Meaning Triangle➢ Ogden & Richard (1923)

SymbolSymbol Object

ConceptConcept

explains →

← characteristics

represents →← represented by

impl

ies

idea

s →

← s

et o

f ide

as

Understanding

● Concept domesticated cat

● Object Felis Catus

● Symbol: cat, “Tiger”

Misunderstanding

Oh, “Tiger” is your pet cat.

● Any disconnect between Concept, Referent, and Symbol

causes misunderstanding● ...or someone is deliberately misleading you.

Getting the Message

● Sender's EXPRESSION ➢ Words (symbol), emotion, action

must equal the● Receiver's IMPRESSION

➢ Concept & Referent, colour/flavour, importance

Exchanging the Message

Seligman, 2011

Active Listening

● Sender usually encodes an emotional message in their Expression.

● Receiver tries to decode what it means to the Sender and reflect that back.

● Active Listening communicates➢ I recognize what you are feeling.➢ It's neither agreement nor disagreement➢ It's not judgement whether feelings are right/wrong➢ Just that the feelings exist

Active Listening

● try to understand their perspective● Paraphrase to confirm your understanding of

their concept➢ Human brain

● Inquire to understand their reasoning➢ Limbic brain

● Acknowledge to recognize their feelings➢ Reptile brain

Active Listening

Paraphrase: “It sounds as if you’re satisfied with our component overall. But if I understand correctly, you need me to assure you that we can increase production if large orders come in. You’re also concerned about our proposed per-unit price and our willingness to work with you to create an acceptable arrangement. Have I captured your main points?”

Active Listening

Inquire: “You mentioned that you found our proposed price to be unacceptable. Help me understand how you came to this conclusion.”

Active Listening

Acknowledge: “It sounds as if you’re quite disappointed with various elements of our proposal, so much so that you have serious concerns about whether we’ll be able to work together over the long haul.”

Getting the Message

● Colleague hands you the expected report with a smile, “Ta-da! Here it is.”

● or throws it down on your desk,“Bah. It's over and done with.”

● You think, “Oh, this will take some time.”● Your reaction: I don't have time for this.

Receiving the Message● As a leader, it is your job to be interrupted.● 'Open the door'

➢ Body language: close the laptop lid, put down your pen, close the file folder, turn your body, uncross arms & legs, look them in the eye. Signal attention.

➢ “It sounds like you feel strongly about that. Tell me about it.”

● Passive listening: Shut up and pay attention.● Acknowledge listening: “Oh. Really. Uh huh.”● Active listening:

Paraphrase, Inquire, Acknowledge

Active Listening Challenges● I don't know how I'm going to untangle this

messy problem.● Why can't the Network Architect deliver a

complete response to the requirements?● Please don't ask me about that right now.● I thought today's meeting accomplished

nothing!● That guy thinks he knows everything!● Why does Purchasing have me complete a two

page form when I just want a paper clip?➢ Pair up with your opposite type and try it.

Active Listening

● Empathize and accept the way the other person is right now.

● The other feels heard and understood.● You are interested, concerned and not going

judge or change the other.● They own their feelings,

they own at least that part of the problem.● Active Listening facilitates problem solving by

satisfying the other's Belonging needs and moving them up to the Esteem level.

Roadblocks to Communication

Get rid of the person by solving their problem thereby making your problem (them) go away.When the sender owns the problem, don't...

● Order, direct, command● Warn, admonish, threaten● Moralize, preach, implore● Advise, suggest, solve● Persuade, Lecture, Argue

Roadblocks to Communication

● Judge, critique, disagree, blame● Praise, Agree, Flatter● Name calling, ridicule, shame● Interpret, Analyze, Diagnose● Reassure, Sympathize, Console, Support● Probe, Question, Interrogate● Distract, Divert, Kid and Joke

Active Listening is not...

● Acceptance is not agreement● You don't need to feedback every message

➢ Sometimes Door Openers, Passive Listening, and Acknowledgement Responses are enough

➢ Don't try to actively listen until you understand● “Roadblocks to Communication” can work in

No Problem areas, i.e. When everyone's needs are being met.

● Usually, people know how to solve their own issues. The real problem is how they feel.

Active Listening

● Don't pretend to listen. You'll never get away with it.

● Be honest about your time pressure, your own emotional or health state.

● Make a commitment to meet later.