CommunicationCommunication

Sending and Receiving Sending and Receiving MessagesMessages

Do Now:Do Now:

Briefly tell a story from your Briefly tell a story from your experience of a time when experience of a time when miscommunication or refusal to miscommunication or refusal to communicate led to anger and even communicate led to anger and even violence.violence.

Our Need to CommunicateOur Need to Communicate

Relationships depend on Relationships depend on communicationcommunication

Helps them growHelps them grow Send and receive thousands of Send and receive thousands of

messages a day messages a day It is the crucial bridge between It is the crucial bridge between

peoplepeople

CommunicationCommunication

An exchange of ideas, feelings, or An exchange of ideas, feelings, or meaning between two or more meaning between two or more personspersons

Involves giving and receiving Involves giving and receiving informationinformation

How does communication How does communication take place?take place?

Body languageBody language GesturesGestures Sign languageSign language VerbalVerbal Written Written ToneTone Stressing wordsStressing words ““I” statements I” statements ListeningListening Asking QuestionsAsking Questions

Hard-won LessonsHard-won Lessons

Deep need to communicate which Deep need to communicate which stems from our drive to love and be stems from our drive to love and be lovedloved

Being able to express ourselvesBeing able to express ourselves What can be learned through What can be learned through

communication?communication?

Can we ever make mistakes or Can we ever make mistakes or misjudgments? misjudgments?

EmpathyEmpathy

The ability to walk in another’s shoesThe ability to walk in another’s shoes Empathy comes through Empathy comes through

communicationcommunication

Avenues and Roadblocks to Avenues and Roadblocks to CommunicationCommunication

We need to create avenues for We need to create avenues for communicationcommunication– Can ease the passage of information, Can ease the passage of information,

feelings, and opinionsfeelings, and opinions RoadblocksRoadblocks

– Barriers that make communication Barriers that make communication

Avenue vs. RoadblockAvenue vs. Roadblock

TrustTrust Assume the bestAssume the best Risk is involved but Risk is involved but

we must be willing we must be willing to take risksto take risks

May need to be May need to be wary of some; wary of some; however, we however, we should begin should begin relationships with a relationships with a trusting spirittrusting spirit

Self ProtectionSelf Protection Overprotecting Overprotecting

ourselvesourselves Insist of evidence Insist of evidence

of trustworthinessof trustworthiness Closes off to Closes off to

relationships and relationships and new opportunitiesnew opportunities

Avenue vs. RoadblockAvenue vs. Roadblock

HopeHope Is readiness to respond Is readiness to respond

to a person without to a person without necessarily knowing necessarily knowing exactly what the exactly what the outcome of outcome of communicating will becommunicating will be

Treat communication Treat communication as an adventureas an adventure

Take a chance but Take a chance but don’t insist that the don’t insist that the results happen our wayresults happen our way

Win-LoseWin-Lose Being right is more Being right is more

important than important than understanding or understanding or relatingrelating

Need to win can Need to win can push and distort the push and distort the ideas of others, ideas of others, become sarcasticbecome sarcastic

Shuts down Shuts down communicationcommunication

Avenue vs. RoadblockAvenue vs. Roadblock

AcceptanceAcceptance Accept people as they Accept people as they

areare Leads to understandingLeads to understanding We may not like We may not like

everything about them everything about them but we need to respect but we need to respect them and try to see them and try to see through their eyesthrough their eyes

Allows others to be freeAllows others to be free

StereotypeStereotype Leads us to believe Leads us to believe

that we can treat that we can treat this person this person differentlydifferently

Cuts off Cuts off communicationcommunication

Body LanguageBody Language

Bodily gestures, facial expressions, Bodily gestures, facial expressions, posture, tone and pitch of voice, rate posture, tone and pitch of voice, rate of speech, clothing, and the use of of speech, clothing, and the use of physical spacephysical space

Often more significant in Often more significant in communication than verbal languagecommunication than verbal language

Directing what we sayDirecting what we say

Need to be conscious of what our body Need to be conscious of what our body language sayslanguage says

How we stand, where we sit when How we stand, where we sit when talking to another person, waving our talking to another person, waving our papers during a speechpapers during a speech

Non verbal behavior is seen as the Non verbal behavior is seen as the real communication in some instancesreal communication in some instances

Body language tips us as to how we Body language tips us as to how we are truly feelingare truly feeling

LISTENING SKILLSLISTENING SKILLS

HOLD YOUR TONGUE, BE ATTENTIVE, HOLD YOUR TONGUE, BE ATTENTIVE, DON’T FORMULATE AN ANSWER YETDON’T FORMULATE AN ANSWER YET

USE BODY LANGUAGE TO SHOW USE BODY LANGUAGE TO SHOW OPENNESS, SIT UP, FACE TO FACEOPENNESS, SIT UP, FACE TO FACE

STAY IN EYE CONTACT, DON’T STARESTAY IN EYE CONTACT, DON’T STARE AVOID ASSUMING WORDS, FEELINGS OF AVOID ASSUMING WORDS, FEELINGS OF

THE OTHER. ASK IF UNSURETHE OTHER. ASK IF UNSURE GIVE LISTENING SIGNALS, NOD,SAY YESGIVE LISTENING SIGNALS, NOD,SAY YES

LISTENING SKILLS CON’TLISTENING SKILLS CON’T

SUMMARIZE OCCASSIONALLY, “IS SUMMARIZE OCCASSIONALLY, “IS THIS WHAT YOU MEAN?”THIS WHAT YOU MEAN?”

ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS, “WHAT ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS, “WHAT HAPPENED NEXT”HAPPENED NEXT”

CHECK SPEAKER’S BODY LANGUAGE CHECK SPEAKER’S BODY LANGUAGE EX: CLENCHED TEETH, RED FACEEX: CLENCHED TEETH, RED FACE

LET THE OTHER KNOW IF YOU CAN’T LET THE OTHER KNOW IF YOU CAN’T TALK, MAKE A DATE TO FOLLOW UPTALK, MAKE A DATE TO FOLLOW UP

How do you listen?How do you listen?

Listen to the messageListen to the message Listen to the personListen to the person Listen to GodListen to God

Verbal Skills to Verbal Skills to CommunicateCommunicate

Persons should come before proving Persons should come before proving pointspoints

Pushing, prying and pressure are Pushing, prying and pressure are ways to put people off ways to put people off

Keeping confidences creates trustKeeping confidences creates trust Being a positive person creates Being a positive person creates

positive patterns of communicationpositive patterns of communication Honest opinions and facing the factsHonest opinions and facing the facts

Verbal Skills to Verbal Skills to CommunicateCommunicate

Communicate about the “needs” first Communicate about the “needs” first then the “wants”then the “wants”

Think things through before putting Think things through before putting your mouth in gearyour mouth in gear

Put priorities in proper placePut priorities in proper place Sometimes is not only golden it is Sometimes is not only golden it is

essentialessential

KINDS OF TALKKINDS OF TALK

SMALL TALK: EVERYDAY HAPPENINGS SMALL TALK: EVERYDAY HAPPENINGS SIMPLE, FRIENDLY, RELAXEDSIMPLE, FRIENDLY, RELAXED

CONTROL TALK – LIGHT – HEAVYCONTROL TALK – LIGHT – HEAVY LIGHT: PRAISES, ADVISES, EXPECTS, LIGHT: PRAISES, ADVISES, EXPECTS,

PERSUADES, INSTRUCTSPERSUADES, INSTRUCTS HEAVY: DEMANDING, AGGRESSIVE, HEAVY: DEMANDING, AGGRESSIVE,

THREATENING, HARSH, BLAMING, THREATENING, HARSH, BLAMING, COME OUT ON TOPCOME OUT ON TOP

KINDS OF TALK CON’TKINDS OF TALK CON’T

SEARCH TALK: WHY SOMETHING IS SEARCH TALK: WHY SOMETHING IS HAPPENING AND WHAT CAUSED HAPPENING AND WHAT CAUSED IT.USED FOR BRAINSTORMING, IT.USED FOR BRAINSTORMING, WORK OUT SOLUTIONS, EX. “MAYBE, WORK OUT SOLUTIONS, EX. “MAYBE, PERHAPS, SUPPOSE, POSSIBLE”PERHAPS, SUPPOSE, POSSIBLE”

STRAIGHT TALK: CENTERS ON THE STRAIGHT TALK: CENTERS ON THE HERE AND NOW. SHARES HERE AND NOW. SHARES INFORMATION, WANTS TO INFORMATION, WANTS TO COMPROMISE COMPROMISE

5 STEPS TO MAKING5 STEPS TO MAKING SMALL TALK SMALL TALK

1. MAKE A SIMPLE STATEMENT TO 1. MAKE A SIMPLE STATEMENT TO OPEN CONVERSATION: “THIS LINE IS OPEN CONVERSATION: “THIS LINE IS LONG”LONG”

2. INTRODUCE YOURSELF WITH 2. INTRODUCE YOURSELF WITH SPECIFICS: “I’M A STUDENT AT SPECIFICS: “I’M A STUDENT AT AQUINAS HIGH SCHOOL”AQUINAS HIGH SCHOOL”

3. SELECT A TOPIC OTHERS CAN 3. SELECT A TOPIC OTHERS CAN RELATE TO: “I SAW A GREAT MOVIE RELATE TO: “I SAW A GREAT MOVIE YESTERDAY” YESTERDAY”

SMALL TALK CON’TSMALL TALK CON’T

4. JOIN THE TOPIC WITH OTHER 4. JOIN THE TOPIC WITH OTHER SUBJECTS: “THE THEATER WHERE I SUBJECTS: “THE THEATER WHERE I SAW THE MOVIE IS IN A LIVELY PART SAW THE MOVIE IS IN A LIVELY PART OF TOWN”OF TOWN”

5. AS THE CHAT WINDS DOWN, END 5. AS THE CHAT WINDS DOWN, END IT GRACEFULLY, SHOW GRATITUDE “I IT GRACEFULLY, SHOW GRATITUDE “I MUST BE GOING, IT WAS NICE MUST BE GOING, IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU”TALKING TO YOU”

KINDS OF QUESTIONSKINDS OF QUESTIONS

DEAD END: CAN ONLY BE ANSWERED DEAD END: CAN ONLY BE ANSWERED “YES” OR “NO” EX. “ARE YOU A “YES” OR “NO” EX. “ARE YOU A STUDENT?”STUDENT?”

DIRECT: ASKING FOR SPECIFIC DIRECT: ASKING FOR SPECIFIC INFORMATION. Ex TIME OF THE MOVIEINFORMATION. Ex TIME OF THE MOVIE

OPEN ENDED: PERMITS A LONG ANSWER OPEN ENDED: PERMITS A LONG ANSWER EX. “WHY DO YOU LIKE PHYSICS?” “HOW EX. “WHY DO YOU LIKE PHYSICS?” “HOW DO YOU MAKE TEA?”DO YOU MAKE TEA?”

““I” Messages vs. “You” I” Messages vs. “You” MessagesMessages

““You” MessagesYou” Messages

Implies negative judgment of that Implies negative judgment of that personperson

Force people to defend themselvesForce people to defend themselves Closes communicationCloses communication Reacts but offers no solutionReacts but offers no solution Both parties loseBoth parties lose Accepts no blameAccepts no blame Does not show feelingsDoes not show feelings Does not show situationDoes not show situation

““I” MessagesI” Messages

Expresses your own reactionExpresses your own reaction State observations, feelings, State observations, feelings,

thoughts, and wishesthoughts, and wishes Set limits and boundariesSet limits and boundaries Respects one’s self as well as Respects one’s self as well as

othersothers Encourages others to respondEncourages others to respond Communicates what is happeningCommunicates what is happening Win/winWin/win

WAYS OF SPEAKINGWAYS OF SPEAKING

AGGRESSIVE: STATES FEELING AGGRESSIVE: STATES FEELING DIRECTLY, BUT VIOLATES THE DIRECTLY, BUT VIOLATES THE RIGHTS OF OTHERSRIGHTS OF OTHERS

PASSIVE: AVOID IMMEDIATE PASSIVE: AVOID IMMEDIATE CONFLICT, BUT UPSET BECAUSE CONFLICT, BUT UPSET BECAUSE DON’T GIVE YOUR FEELINGSDON’T GIVE YOUR FEELINGS

ASSERTIVE**HONEST AND DIRECT, ASSERTIVE**HONEST AND DIRECT, STATES FEELINGS, NO DISRESEPCT STATES FEELINGS, NO DISRESEPCT TO THE OTHERTO THE OTHER

RESPONSES TO CONFLICTRESPONSES TO CONFLICT

SMOOTHING: GIVING IN, PASSIVESMOOTHING: GIVING IN, PASSIVE AVOIDING: CHANGING SUBJECT, BE AVOIDING: CHANGING SUBJECT, BE

QUIET, AVOID THE OTHER, PASSIVEQUIET, AVOID THE OTHER, PASSIVE FORCING: IGNORE OTHER’S FORCING: IGNORE OTHER’S

FEELINGS, SHOUT, BE STUBBORN, FEELINGS, SHOUT, BE STUBBORN, COMPROMISING: GIVE UP FOR COMPROMISING: GIVE UP FOR

SOMETHING ELSESOMETHING ELSE PROBLEM SOLVING: CLARIFY, PROBLEM SOLVING: CLARIFY,

WIN/WIN,SATISFY BOTH, MUTUAL WIN/WIN,SATISFY BOTH, MUTUAL

HANDLING EMOTIONSHANDLING EMOTIONSANGERANGER

KINDS: RAGE, RESENTMENT, INDIGNATIONKINDS: RAGE, RESENTMENT, INDIGNATION SIGNS OF ANGER: SARCASM, BULLYING, SIGNS OF ANGER: SARCASM, BULLYING,

TEASING, ARGUMENTSTEASING, ARGUMENTS WRONG REACTIONS: IGNORE IT, BE ANGRY WRONG REACTIONS: IGNORE IT, BE ANGRY

BACK, RATIONALIZE, DENY BACK, RATIONALIZE, DENY RESPONSIBILITYRESPONSIBILITY

BENEFITS OF ANGER: SHOWS A PROBLEM, BENEFITS OF ANGER: SHOWS A PROBLEM, CAN LEAD TO CREATIVITY CAN LEAD TO CREATIVITY

HANDLING EMOTIONS HANDLING EMOTIONS CON’TCON’T

EFFECTS OF ANGER: HYPERTENSION, EFFECTS OF ANGER: HYPERTENSION, ULCERS, DEPRESSION, ACCIDENTS, ULCERS, DEPRESSION, ACCIDENTS, KILLS RELATIONSHIPKILLS RELATIONSHIP

ANGER PREVENTION: PHYSICAL ANGER PREVENTION: PHYSICAL ACTION, STOP IT EARLY, ADMIT IT OK ACTION, STOP IT EARLY, ADMIT IT OK AT TIMESAT TIMES

PASSIVE SIGNS OF ANGER: DIGGING PASSIVE SIGNS OF ANGER: DIGGING HUMOR, PUT OFF THINGS, GUILT, HUMOR, PUT OFF THINGS, GUILT, SUICIDE, OBESITY, SLOPPINESSSUICIDE, OBESITY, SLOPPINESS

Do’s and Don’ts of Do’s and Don’ts of DisagreeingDisagreeing

Don’t interruptDon’t interrupt Don’t fight physically or verbally is Don’t fight physically or verbally is

not constructive not constructive Don’t give unwanted adviceDon’t give unwanted advice Don’t nag settle it and forget itDon’t nag settle it and forget it Don’t seek revenge hiding the hurt or Don’t seek revenge hiding the hurt or

enjoying the anger is harmful to youenjoying the anger is harmful to you Don’t use threats or give ultimatumsDon’t use threats or give ultimatums

Do’s Do’s

Do discuss the problem ASAPDo discuss the problem ASAP Do avoid childish tantrums, silent treatments, Do avoid childish tantrums, silent treatments,

tearstears Do stick to the pointDo stick to the point Do be positive and specificDo be positive and specific Do keep calmDo keep calm Do respect other’s need to think, calm down Do respect other’s need to think, calm down

or clarifyor clarify Do learn how to disagreeDo learn how to disagree Do learn to compromiseDo learn to compromise

NON VERBAL COMMUNICATIONNON VERBAL COMMUNICATION

SAYING “NO”: TURNING BACK, COLD SAYING “NO”: TURNING BACK, COLD SHOULDER, THRUSTING CHIN, SHOULDER, THRUSTING CHIN, RUBBING NOSE, BACK OF NECK, RUBBING NOSE, BACK OF NECK, SQUINTING, TAKING OFF GLASSES, SQUINTING, TAKING OFF GLASSES, PUSHING AWAY FROM OTHER, PUSHING AWAY FROM OTHER, CROSSING ARMS AND LEGSCROSSING ARMS AND LEGS

SAYING “YES”: HEAD TILTED, SAYING “YES”: HEAD TILTED, LEGS/ARMS NOT CROSSED, SMILE, LEGS/ARMS NOT CROSSED, SMILE, TOUCHING, MOVE TOWARDS OTHER, TOUCHING, MOVE TOWARDS OTHER, SITTING ON EDGE OF CHAIR SITTING ON EDGE OF CHAIR