Communication with

Athletes and Parents

Tom DoylePersonal Perceptions Northwest, LLC (PPNW)

www.truecoaching.net

© PPNW 2007

THE PROBLEM?

The Problem?

Youth Sports Programs

• The National Alliance for Sports reports that:• Over 70 percent of these kids quit playing

these league sports by age 13 – • and never play them again.• "The number-one reason (why they quit) is

that it stopped being fun." Michael Pfahl, NYSCA

Challenges in Athletics Today

• Fewer athletes turning out; more quitting at earlier age

• Fewer officials – concerns about sportsmanship and ability to play contests

• Parent complaints • Violence at contests• Coaches quitting and keeping fewer kids• Fewer qualified coaches• Sportsmanship• Role Models?• Five years from now?????

Communication!Why is it so difficult?

• The ability to express thoughts, feelings, and information easily and effectively; to impart knowledge, to make known; to give to another.

• …to interchange thoughts, ideas, feelingsWebster’s

• Takes two to Tango!• Response• Roles

– Speaker – Attentive & Active Listener

1st Amendment

• Congress shall make no law … abridging the freedom of speech….

• Obligation to Listen???

Parents – Why Are They the Way They Are?

• Children of the 60’s

– I’m OK, You’re OK– Authority– Coaching Background– Love

Parental Philosophy

• “Special”

• Can’t afford to Fail

• “NO” is not an acceptable answer

• Trophies for participating

• Scholarships – the Holy Grail

Helicopter Parents

What about the “kids”?

Millenial Youth

• “Special”. All Winners. Awards.

• “…grew up with the expectation they will automatically win and they’ll be rewarded for showing up.”

• Coddling Virus – “Our parents really took from us that opportunity to fall down on our face and learn how to stand up”

Perceptions

• "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."

Anthony Robbins

Sport’s TriangleSport’s Triangle

Athletes

Parents Coaches

Parent Nights

• Mandatory (& Memorable)

• Options – Videotape, Parent Manual, Other • Be Creative - e.g. New Parent in town

» Scholarships

» Win

» Money

» Discipline

» Playing time

» Referees

» Coaches

» Sportsmanship

• Topics

Communication with Parents

1. Parenting is hard work – a challenge. 2. Deception Pass 3. Happy Parents 4. Relationships with coaches 5. Know your role 6. Know what motivates your athlete. 7. What you do that embarrasses your kid.8. What you do that your kid loves.9. What your kid wanted me to say to you.10.Be a good sport

Parenting – Guard Rails

• “Deception Pass”

Deception Pass

Deception Pass

Deception Pass

Happy Parents

1. Play my kid

2. Play my kid all the time

3. Play my kid all the time and win

10-80-10 Rule

Relationship to Coaches: Potential Conflicts

• I” versus “We”

• Long Term vs. Short Term Goals

• Safety/Security vs. “No Pain No Gain”

• Biggest mistake – “Can’t talk to coaches”

Potential Conflict Area:Roles?

• Parents Role – support and encourage. The experience is designed to be a spectator activity for parents.

(Spectator – “one who watches without taking an active part” (Webster’s Dictionary))

Objective vs. Subjective Standards. Playing Time/Coach Decisions.

• – Sports where measurable skill/times, little conflict; sports where skills et.al. are subjective cause great potential for conflict.

• 24 Hour Rule

Role of Parents?

• Before the season - understand why they play

• During a contest – be a positive role model

• After a contest – give them time

Another Sports’ Triangle

• “Parents want to Coach.

• Coaches want to Officiate.

• Officials want to watch. • You can only do one thing well.

Choose!” Bruce Brown

Why is your son/daughter playing the sport?

• Do you know why he/she is playing high school sports?

• Whose choice is it to play?

• 30 Million High School Athletes; 1% play in College at Div I, II, III. Is she/he playing for the right reasons? Enjoying the experience?

Why Kids Play – BoysMichigan State University Study

• To have fun• To do something I am good at• To improve my skills• For the excitement of competition• To stay in shape• For the challenge of competition• To get exercise• To learn new skills• To be part of a team• To go to a higher level of competition

Why Kids Play – GirlsMichigan State University Study

• To have fun• To stay in shape• To get exercise• To improve my skill• To do something I am good at• To learn new skills• For the excitement of competition• To play as part of a team• To make new friends• For the challenge of competition

A Different Evaluation~

• Ask Kids:

– What do your parents do that embarrasses you?

– What do your parents do that you appreciate?

– What would you like me to tell your parents?

• High School Athletes Evaluate their parent’s role and the…………..

Why Be a Good Sport?

• Safety

What is Good Sportsmanship?

• Mark Twain

• It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Sportsmanship?Could It Happen in Your Program?

“Youth Coach Who Lost It Could Have Been Any One of Us”

CW Nevius – San Francisco Chronicle

“What kind of man would do something like that? What kind of father would allow himself to lose control so completely? Can you imagine someone who would?

“I can. Me.

“I've never charged the field, punched a ref or grabbed a player. But I've been close. I know that feeling.

“And so do you.”

Do Sports Build Character or Reveal Character?

•  Webster's Dictionary

• “the ability to take a loss or defeat without complaint,

• or a victory without gloating,

• and to treat opponents with fairness, generosity, and courtesy“

What is “Sportsmanship”?

Fundamentals of Sportsmanship:

1. Show respect for the opponent and the officials.2. Know, understand, and appreciate the rules of the contest.3. Maintain self-control.4. Recognize and appreciate skill in performance regardless of affiliation.

The Lessons of the Generations!

– Be a parent or guardian, not a coach!

– Let your kids go. It is their experience, not yours!

– Help your son/daughter understand that athletics isn’t everything. Be a student, a whole Person!

– Be thankful for the miracle of your son/daughter!

The Champions of:

• Respect• Class

• Winning with Grace• Losing with Dignity• Striving to Win!

Communication!Why is it so difficult?

• Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean!

• Speech is power: speech is to persuade, to convert, to compel. It is to bring another out of his bad sense into your good sense. Ralph Waldo

Emerson

Questions?

Thank You!

• www.truecoaching.net

• tkdoyle@speakeasy.net