COMMUNITY"ADVANCED REVENGE, PT. 1"

Written by

Asa Borquist

Created by Dan Harmon

asa.borquist@gmail.com(360) 908-0175

INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA - DAY (B&W)

CLOSE-UP of cowboy boots walking across a linoleum tiled floor. We come to an extreme CLOSE-UP of BRITTA in a graduation down. Maintain close-up. Her gown is spattered with paint-ball paint. She is breathing heavily. The cowboy boots stop right next to her head.

JEFF (O.C.)Do you find me sadistic? Ill bet I could probably fry an egg on your head right now if I wanted to.

JEFF slowly wipes paint off her cheeks with a handkerchief with Jeff embroidered on it.

JEFF (O.C.) (CONTD)Id like you to know that theres nothing sadistic in my actions. Well, maybe toward those other jokers. But not you. No, kiddo. At this moment, this is me at my most masochistic.

(loads paint-ball gun)

BRITTAJeff, its your pr-

She is cut off by a paint-ball hitting her in the forehead, paint spattering to the sides.

CUT TO:

B&W OPENING CREDITS, TITLE SONG REDONE IN CROONING MELANCHOLY COUNTRY STYLE. TITLE: CHAPTER 1: 2

I/E. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY

A large, old, van with R2D2s head sticking out of the roof pulls up in front of the house. Britta walks up to the front door, rings the doorbell, and waits. SHIRLEY answers the door, clearly expecting someone else. Britta pulls out a large, wet paint brush and lunges at Shirley.

Shirley defends herself, bringing the fight into the house. The two have a cat-fight with over-exaggerated folie, breaking furniture to finally come to a stalemate in front of the large living room window. Out the window, a school bus drops off Shirleys two sons. The two women hide their weapons behind their backs.

ELIJAHMom! Were home!

JORDANMom! Were home

SHIRLEY(sweetly)

Welcome home, boys. You remember Britta from my study group?

The boys nod.

SHIRLEY (CONTD)Now, why dont you two go up to your room and start on your homework and Ill bring you a snack here in a little bit.

The two boys slowly turn to Britta. Shirley snaps her fingers to get the boys attention.

SHIRLEY (CONTD)(sassy)

You two are gonna be heading up those stairs now, arent you?

The boys leave. Shirley turns to Britta.

SHIRLEY (CONTD)(sweetly)

Can I get you some tea or coffee and maybe a cookie?

BRITTAYah. Sure.

INT. SHIRLEYS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

BRITTA (V.O.)This Greendale homemakers name is Shirley Bennett, but back when we were acquainted, four days ago, I knew her by her code-name: Porcupine. Mine: Red Squirrel

Shirley and Britta begin to clean and dust themselves off from the fight.

SHIRLEYYou take your coffee black, correct?

BRITTAYah.

2.

Shirley begins to make a pot of coffee.

SHIRLEYI suppose it is a little bit too late for me to apologize and you accept it?

BRITTAYou suppose correctly.

SHIRLEYWell, Im sorry to hear that, but I forgive you for not forgiving me. You know, Jesus said that when someone wrongs you, you should turn the other cheek.

(beat, serious now)Im sorry we all betrayed you. It was a terrible thing to do to a person, but if you want to get even, theres a park down the street we can go to, tonight. We both dress in all black and well have ourselves a good old-fashioned paint fight.

(suddenly sweet)And Ill bring some cookies for after! Now, if you excuse me, I need to prepare a snack for the boys.

Shirley turns around and begins to pull plates and food out of the cupboards.

BRITTAYou know, to a certain degree, I expected it from the others, but not from you.

Shirley turns around with a large piece of swiss cheese, the muzzle of a paint-ball gun pointing through one of the large holes.

SHIRLEYIm really am sorry, Britta.

In SLOW MOTION, Britta ducks clumsily, a paint-ball exploding on the wall behind her right shoulder. She reaches for the wet paintbrush in her back pocket, whips it out and throws it. The brush hits Shirley square in the chest, bouncing off and leaving a large splotch of paint. Shirley slowly sinks to the floor.

3.

Britta pulls out a small flip notebook with 5 numbered names titled Paint List Five, with the first one crossed out as follows:

1) ABED NADIR (Guinea Pig)

2) SHIRLEY BENNETT (Porcupine)

3) TROY BARNES (Prairie Dogg)

4) ANNIE EDISON (House Mouse)

5) JEFF

She pulls out a sharpie and crosses out the second name. Shirleys son, Jordan, is standing in the doorway and has clearly seen the last few seconds. Britta walks over to her paintbrush and reholsters it. Britta makes eye-contact with Jordan.

BRITTAYoull understand when youre older.

Britta quickly leaves. As soon as the front door closes, Shirley sighs and props herself up on her elbows.

SHIRLEYHoney, would you please help me up? I need to put this shirt in the wash and clean all of this up before your father comes home.

CUT TO:

WHITE TEXT ON SOLID BLACK:

CHAPTER TWO: The paint-spattered GRADUATE

INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA - DAY

Carnage encircles an unconscious Britta in a graduation gown, paint covering her and multiple other former combatants. The remnants of paint-balls, food, flowers, and a few stray caps are scattered on the floor. Janitorial and maintenance staff linger, beginning the cleanup process.

4.

Yellow superimposed text reads: Four days and six hours earlier in the cafeteria.

CUT TO:

EXT. GREENDALE - DAY

Follow a dark sedan speeds along a nearly empty road, country music playing in the background.

Professor BUZZ HICKEY sits alone in the car in a suit, large aviator-style glasses, and a ridiculous Hawaiian straw hat.

He pulls up to the cafeteria entrance where GARRETT LAMBERT is waiting for him. As the car stops, Garrett approaches the open drivers side window.

BUZZAlright, whats going on? And why am I here on a Saturday?

GARRETTProfessor, it was an ambush! A massacre! Im sorry to be bothering you, but the Dean said we had to bring you in to look things over in case anyone tries to sue the school... again!

BUZZBut why me? Why not the police? If he thinks the situation is that serious, why not call, you know, some PROPER authorities?

GARRETTHe felt the need to be.... discreet. See, this isnt the first time this has happened.

BUZZIts not the first time WHAT has happened?

GARRETTI think its better for you to see for yourself.

Buzz gets out of the car and follows Garrett into the building.

We follow the two as they open the doors to see the carnage waiting for them inside.

5.

BUZZ(exasperated)

Oh boy. Its my lucky day.

As Buzz walks across to where Britta is lying, we see hundreds of spent paint-ball shells and casings. He comes over and squats next to Britta who appears to be asleep. He begins to nudge her.

BUZZ (CONTD)Britta. Its time to wake up. You need to go home now, just like everyone else.

No response. He begins to shake her.

BUZZ (CONTD)Come on now, Britta, you need to get up.

She rolls her head and snores loudly.

GARRETTUuuum, professor, I think shes semi-comatose after staying up for days at a time.

Garrett points to a pile of empty energy drinks over in the corner. Buzz looks.

BUZZWell, I guess shes in no condition to be taken home. Lets get her to the nurses office.

We see flashes of Buzz lifting her up and taking her to the infirmary.

INT. GREENDALE INFIRMARY - DAY

We continue to see flashes of movement, putting a hospital gown on her, and finally we see NURSE JACKIE leaning over the end of her bed. Dream-like quality.

NURSE JACKIEWell, Britta, it looks like you had a pretty rough last couple of days. Now I hope youre comfortable.

He leans back

6.

NURSE JACKIE (CONTD)I was born and raised in Riverside, Colorado. My name is Nurse Jackie, and I like to play hackie... sack. No... thats a stupid rhyme. Um, my name is Nurse Jackie, and I like to wear khaki...

He begins to walk away muttering to himself

NURSE JACKIE (CONTD)My name is Nurse Jackie and Im super tacky... Im super wacky... why cant I come up with a decent rhyme?

FADE TO:

INT. GREENDALE INFIRMARY - DAY

Britta wakes up with a start, the recent past flashing back to her. A THUMP of the door closing. Britta flings herself back to lie down. Nurse Jackie comes by to check on her.

NURSE JACKIEAlright, time to wake up. Need you out of here. I know what fake sleeping looks like, and thats what youre doing. So, get up.

Britta opens her eyes and props herself up on her elbows.

BRITTAWow. You must be good. How did you know I wasnt sleeping?

NURSE JACKIETo be honest, lucky guess. Ive been trying that for the last 2 days.

BRITTAWHAT?!

NURSE JACKIEMan, you really must have been studying hard. I mean, I was getting close to calling the hospital, but you seemed to just be sleeping.

Nurse Jackie looks at Brittas chart.

7.

NURSE JACKIE (CONTD)I mean, I was monitoring your vitals, and checked your responses and stuff, but you were just sleeping really deeply, I guess. Maybe go a little lighter on the energy drinks and all-nighters next time, ok?

Britta nods meekly. She gets up and begins to gather her things.

NURSE JACKIE (CONTD)Here, Ill give you some privacy so you can change.

He pulls the curtains around the bed.

BRITTAHave you heard anything about Jeff?

(a beat)Jeff Winger?

NURSE JACKIEOh, you mean Professor Winger. Yah, sure, he went home after the graduation ceremony like everyone else. I think he was with that shorter brunette. Uum, her name was Tesla or something?

BRITTATesla? Oh, you mean Annie Edison?

NURSE JACKIETesla, Edison, Volt, whatever. I get all of those guys names mixed up.

Britta emerges from the curtains.

BRITTAI kind of have a huge favor to ask. Im not sure where my car is and I need to get around a bit.

NURSE JACKIEYou need wheels? Take my car. Just have it back here by 6.

He tosses Britta his keys. The keys have a large Millennium Falcon key-chain on the end.

8.

EXT. GREENDALE PARKING-LOT - DAY

Britta walks along a row of cars, looking for the car that would potentially belong to the keys in her hand.

She comes across a large, older-looking dark van with a custom paint-job of the Star Wars Episode 4 poster on either side and R2D2s head dome on the roof near the back.

She looks down at the keys in her hand, then back at the van.

BRITTANerds.

She smiles and gets in. As she get in, CLOSE UP on her sandal-clad feet. The van begins to pull out.

BRITTA (V.O.) (CONTD)As I sat in the drivers seat of Jackies tacky van, trying to will my brain out of entropy, I could see the faces of the people who did this to me.

PHOTO MONTAGE

A picture of Abed, Shirley, Troy, and Annie, all clad in black and armed to the teeth, outside the entrance to the cafeteria

BRITTA (V.O.)All members of the Vicious Rodent Paint hit-squad.

Cut to close-up of the 4 standing over Britta in the cafeteria.

BRITTA (V.O.)When fortune smiles upon something as dirty and ugly as something like revenge, it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, but youre doing His will.

Slowly shift and zoom to close-up on Abed.

BRITTA (V.O.)At a time when I knew the least about my enemies, the first name on my list was Abed Nadir.

(MORE)

9.

But of course, when one manages the task of becoming the king of the Greendale fried-food underworld, one doesnt keep it a secret. Does one?

Bold orange text appears superimposed on Abeds face reading

Abed Nadir

Member

VICIOUS RODENT PAINT HIT-SQUAD

Codename:

Guinea Pig

CUT TO:

Title Chapter Three: The Origin of Abed, white text on solid black background.

Fade to close-up photo of younger Abed looking at the ground, slowly zoom out to reveal entire photo.

BRITTA (V.O.)Abed Nadir was born an American citizen to a Polish mother and Palestinian father. The half-Polish, half-Palestinian American super-nerd made his first acquaintance with paint at age of 9.

Beside main photo, appears a drawing of a young Abed in a T-shirt.

BRITTA (V.O.)It was at that age, he witnessed the drenching of one of his most beloved stuffed animals at the hands of his neighborhoods most ruthless bully: Robert Matsumoto

CUT TO:

EXT. ANIMATED SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

A young Abed hides in a bush, peeking through the leaves. CLOSE UP on his eyes, shifting nervously looking for enemies.

BRITTA (V.O.) (CONT'D)

10.

Through a reflection on his eye, we CUT TO a CLOSE UP of Robert Matsumoto, a large Asian kid, a lollypop hanging out of the corner of his mouth.

A small group of bullies are holding a number of stuffed animals hostage with wet paintbrushes held dangerously close to staining the toys.

One more courageous boy attempts to fight back and begins to win, punching a few bullies and pushing them down on the ground. He appears to be winning until one boy with a large paint-roller in a sword-like configuration nails him in the back. The fighter is paralyzed, at which point the boy with the sword-roller removes it from his victims shirt. We hear a sharp HISS as multiple other boys begin to spray said victim with an assortment of water pistols, all filled with paint.

The victim falls to the ground directly in front of Abed, paint spattering him from nearly all sides. Abed puts his hands over his mouth to muffle sounds of shock. CLOSE UP on the victims expression of shock and horror. PAN UP to reveal the boy with the paint-sword, having jabbed it into the hair of his victim.

Robert Matsumoto begins to laugh uproariously at the scene until he begins to cough, at which point he spits and regains his composure. He throws a spent lollypop stick onto the grass and saunters over to where all of the stuffed animals lay. His eyes zero in on Abeds stuffed bear, recognition and anger flaring in Abeds eyes. Robert throws it unceremoniously on top of the hedge where Abed is hiding. His lackey proffers the hilt of the paint-sword. Robert takes it and slices down at the bear, the sword traveling perilously close to Abeds head.

Paint slowly begins to drip down from the maimed stuffed animal and onto Abeds face, tears welling up in his eyes.

EXT. ANIMATED SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Abed is standing out in the open, eyes fixed upon the destroyed stuffed animals before him, paint and dirt covering his clothes and face.

BRITTA (V.O.)He swore revenge. Luckily for him, Bob Matsumoto was a bed-wetter.

11.

INT. ANIMATED SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT

Abed has snuck through the window of Bobs bedroom with a Polaroid camera. He throws back the sheets of the bed, revealing a sleeping Bob with a wet patch on his pajamas and bed, centering on his crotch. He snaps a quick photo with the flash on, and is out of the window before Bob wakes up.

INT. ANIMATED SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Flyers with copies of the photo hang outside of every door, the title Bedwetter Bob written in bold across the top. Bob enters the hallway with his little clique of bullies, strutting like kings. They dont notice the pictures at first, but once they do, Bob turns as red as a beet. Abed is watching from just around the corner, eyes on fire. Bob barks orders at the gang to begin to tear them down, but the SCHOOL-BELL RINGS and students flood the halls before the bullies could take down many.

CUT TO:

INT. ANIMATED SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER

As Bob passes by, whispers and muttering among other students slowly begin to rise in volume, until it becomes chuckling from all sides. All eyes are on Bob. Other children begin to audibly laugh now, a few begin to point. He stops, tears beginning to well up in his eyes, then breaks into a run, sobbing, and bursts out of the main doors of the school. Abed watches from the sidelines. He cocks his head, and the corner of his mouth twitches up in the closest thing to a smile he can manage.

EXT. ANIMATED PAINT-BALL ARENA - DAY

An adult Abed stands on the roof of a snipers nest, long-range paint-ball gun in hand, decked out it camouflage and painted face with a blue ribbon tied around his left arm.

BRITTA (V.O.)By 25, he was one of the top paint-ball assassins in the world.

Abed lifts his gun and sights his target, the opposing teams leader and strategist. The red teams leader is lounging back behind multiple guards as reports squawk in from a bank of radios. Abed centers the reticle on the leaders forehead, checks the wind, and fires.

12.

FOLLOW the paint-ball in SLOW MOTION as it flies through the air to splatter on the forehead of the red leader. The paint is a fluorescent light blue, and the leader collapses in seeming shock.

INT. ANIMATED GREENDALE CAFETERIA - DAY

Part of the carnage seen earlier surrounds the Vicious Rodent Paint Hit-Squad who are positioned in a circle around Britta in a graduation gown.

BRITTA (V.O.)At 36, he did his part in the paint-balling of 9 innocent people, in the cafeteria of Greendale Community College. But at that time, a few days ago, he made one big mistake: he should have paint- balled 10.

Cut to black

BRITTA (V.O.)However, before satisfaction would be mine, first things first.

CUT TO:Title: Chapter Four: The MAN from FULLTERTON

INT. JAPANESE BAR AND RESTAURANT - DAY

Ben Chang waits behind the bar of an empty Japanese restaurant, reading a newspaper. Britta enters, the doorbell RINGS.

BRITTACON-itchEY-wa!

Chang quickly throws down the paper.

CHANG(lazily with a terrible accent)Ohairikudasai. (Come in in Japanese)

He notices its Britta, and smirks.

CHANG (CONTD)Oh, hey there blondie. Come on in.

She hesitates and then sits down at the bar.

13.

CHANG (CONTD)Didnt expect to see you around, least of all after the other day. From what I heard, it looks like theres some trouble and bad paint between you and the rest of the study group.

BRITTAI dont need you sympathy, Chang. Ive got a HUGE vermin problem. What I need is paint. Korean paint.

CHANGSHHHHHHH! Shut up! Shut up! The owners think Im Japanese!

BRITTAWhat?

CHANGLook, my brother got me this job after everything that happened at Greendale, and if I lose it, Im screwed.

BRITTAYour brother. The rabbi?

CHANGYeah, yeah, I know. Its weird, but he didnt lie. He may have just, stretched the truth a little. Look, tell me what you want, Ill try and get it for you, and you get out before you cost me my job.

BRITTAOkay, fine. I need one of your paint-swords. Asap.

CHANGNo. Ive given up paint-ball. I dont do that anymore.

BRITTACome on. Youve got to have a few lying around. Or even show me how to make one. Everyone knows yours are unrivaled.

14.

CHANGNo. I swore an oath to myself to never get involved in paint-ball ever again, especially after what happened the last two times at the school.

BRITTA(loudly)

You know what I would REALLY love right now? Some Bibimbap! Now -

Chang leans over the bar and covers her mouth before she can say anything more.

CHANGOkay. Fine. Meet me at my apartment in one hour. I have a few, but Im not giving you any of mine.

Chang writes down his address and slides it across to her.

CHANG (CONTD)Now, I have to pick up some supplies to be able to make a new one, but youll have the best by the end of the day.

BRITTAIll hold you to that.

CUT TO:

INT. CHANGS APARTMENT - DAY

Its a simple place. One bedroom with a small living-room/kitchenette. On one wall, photos of his family and friends, on the other a series of what can only be described as paint-swords lay on pegs in the wall.

Chang and Britta enter, Changs arms laden with bags from various hardware supply stores.

CHANGCome on in.

BRITTAWow. Didnt realize you had so much paint-ball memorabilia.

Britta approaches the wall and looks at the swords.

15.

BRITTA (CONTD)May I?

Chang nods. Britta reaches out for a sword on a lower set of pegs.

CHANGWait!

Britta recoils

CHANG (CONTD)The second one from the top.

Britta gingerly removes the paint sword and grips it by its hilt. Chang removes a hackey-sack from his pocket.

CHANG (CONTD)Funny. You like paint-ball swords. I like hackey-sack.

Chang abruptly throws the hackey-sack at Brittas head. With lightning reflexes she hits it down with the sword. The hacky-sack is almost entirely drenched in paint-ball paint.

BRITTASo, why cant you give me one of these?

CHANGThese are my personal collection and hold sentimental value. Theyre not for sale.

BRITTAI didnt say sell me. I said give me.

CHANGWhy am I helping you again?

BRITTARemember how I said I had a vermin problem? Well, my vermin are former students of yours. And considering the students. Id say you have a rather large interest in this.

CHANGOkay, to be fair, youre also a former student of mine.

BRITTAYah, but -

16.

CHANGYoure talking about Annie, Shirley, Troy, Abed, and -

BRITTAJeff.

CHANG(snarling)

Winger.(a beat)

Fine. Ill do it, just so long as you dont get me fired. Again.

BRITTADeal.

CHANGYou can sleep here if you want. It will take me a day to make the sword. I suggest you spend it practicing.

INT. CHANGS APARTMENT - LATER

Chang is dressed in all white, sitting on a cushion on the floor. Britta is sitting across from him. He unwraps the newly made sword hilt first to reveal a little engraved Chang riding on a tiger at the base of the blade. He sighs.

CHANGI have completed what I swore I would never make again. I have created something that supremely dirties people. And in that purpose, I was successful.

Chang lifts up the sword and admires it.

CHANG (CONTD)I have done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your goals. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword.

He begins to rewrap it.

CHANG (CONTD)If, on your journey, should you encounter God, God himself will get paint on his clothes.

He hands over the wrapped sword.

17.

CHANG (CONTD)Yellow-haired warrior. Go.

BRITTAThank you.

CUT TO:Title: Chapter Five: Showdown at Seor Kevins

BRITTA (V.O.)It was about an hour after the showdown at the cafeteria that Jeff backed his food-based progeny financially and philosophically in his Shakespearean in magnitude power struggle with the other commodity clans over who would rule school lunches in the city of Greendale.

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY

Abed sits at the head of a long table, wearing a head fry-cooks uniform. Fried foods of various sorts in front of all of all seven people around the table. STAR-BURNS (a.k.a. ALEX OSBOURNE) sits sulking at the opposite end.

BRITTA (V.O.)When the final sword was sheathed, it was Abed Nadir and his powerful posse, the Scary 77, that proved the victor.

DEAN PELTON sits to Abeds left in an elaborate kimono and wig.

BRITTA (V.O.)The pretty man to his right, who is dressed like he is a female character in a Japanese anime, is Abeds protector and power piece: Dean Craig Pelton. Another person weirdly obsessed with Jeff.

The other people at the table laugh uproriously, except for Star-Burns. Two people sit behind Abed, VICKI and FAT NEIL. Fat Neil is wearing a super-hero style mask.

BRITTA (V.O.)The girl in the school-girl uniform is Vicki Jenkins, a dance major and Abeds personal bodyguard.

18.

CLOSE UP on Fat Neil.

BRITTA (V.O.)The big guy in the black suit and superhero mask is Fat Neil; the head of Abeds personal army, the Scary 77. And just in case youre wondering how could a half-breed Polish-Palestinian-American become the boss of all bosses in Greendale, CO. Ill tell you.

The entire party, minus Star-Burns goes to toast Abed.

BRITTA (V.O.)The subject of Abeds authority and legitimacy came up before the council only once. The night Abed assumed power over the lunch council.

Star-Burns slowly sucks the filling out of a cannoli.

BRITTA (V.O.)The man who seems bound and determined to break the mood is Boss Osbourne, and what Boss Osbourne thinks is -

Star-Burns smashes his food and glares at the other members. The room is instantly silent.

STAR-BURNSI cant believe it.

BOSS 1What the hells the matter with you, Alex? This is a party!

STAR-BURNSWhat are we celebrating? What happened? Were just going to let the perversion of this council stand?

Star-Burns begins to clean off his hand with a napkin

ABEDOf what perversion do you speak, Alex?

19.

STAR-BURNSI speak of the perversion done to this council, which I love, by making a wimpy little nerdling its leader!

Before anyone can react, Abed is out of his chair, paint-sword in hand. He stops in front of Star-Burns, and swipes him in the throat, drenching his throat and shoulders in paint. Star-Burns falls to the floor coughing and moaning.

Abed sheathes his sword and regains his composure.

ABEDNormally, I encourage you all to bring any concerns you have about my policies or decisions to me, and there will be no penalty. But, if you ever bring up my nerdiness as a negative, the best dry-cleaning in the world wont save you.

INT. SEOR KEVINS (MEXICAN RESTAURANT) - NIGHT

Abed, Vicki, the Dean, and a number of underlings enter a large mexican bar and restaurant, the main courtyard being two stories, with the upper level having private dining rooms and the lower containing general seating, a stage, and a dance floor. Stairs lead up to the second floor on either side of the courtyard and a salsa band is playing, with people dancing to the music.

Abed is dressed in an immaculate white suit, with the underlings dressed in all black, Vicki in a colorful dancers outfit, and the Dean in a similar outfit as before. Abed and his lackeys are all visibly carrying their paint-swords.

As the group enters, they are immediately escorted to the largest of the private dining rooms by the owner and the head waiter dressed up in a mariachi getup.

Unseen to the group, Britta waits at the bar in a yellow bikers outfit. She sneaks up to the second floor where the group has fully started partying. Abed, senses something and quickly throws a suction-cup tipped paint vial out of a crack in the window, landing on a post right next to Brittas head.

Abed nods towards Vicki, then towards the door. Vicki exits, a small, wet, paintbrush in her hands. She looks around. Britta has hidden inside a cardboard box, with The Orange written on it, to one side of the door.

20.

After a couple of seconds of intense scrutiny, Vicki pulls the paint-dart off of the pillar and returns inside. Britta emerges from inside the box and sighs.

Britta makes her way to the bathroom and beings to change, removing the leather jacket to reveal a form-fitting yellow tracksuit with a vertical black stripe on either side that reaches from neck to ankle.

We see the Dean make his way from the private dining room to the bathrooms. Right after he enters, the Deans phone goes off, the ringtone being Seals Kiss From a Rose as performed by himself and Jeff. Britta opens the bathroom door a crack to look out. She sees the Dean. The Dean answers.

DEAN PELTONYes? Hello? Its me. Yah. Yah. If you give me a contact number, well get back to you.

Recognition flashes in Brittas eyes and we see a brief FLASHBACK to the day of the massacre, where Abed is standing over her, with the Dean in the corner, his phone ringing with that exact ringtone. Return to present day.

Abed and the rest of his posse continue to eat and drink in the private dining room. Everyone is joking around. NICK THE LACKEY begins to tell a joke.

NICKHey, have you guys heard the one about the monasterys fish and chips?

The others shake their heads.

NICK (CONTD)So, a guy is backpacking through Europe, and while hes going through the UK, he gets hungry, but he doesnt have much money. He goes to a monastery and asks for food, so the monks invite him to have dinner with them and stay the night. Dinner is served and its the best fish and chips this guy has ever eaten, so he asks one of the monks to introduce him to the cooks.

All eyes in the room are on him.

21.

NICK (CONTD)So, the monk takes him down to the kitchens and says These are our two marvelous cooks. A little taken aback, the traveler asks why they need two people. One cook responds saying oh, well, when we divide up our labor, everything tastes so much better since we can devote our whole attention to one part of the meal. The traveler then asks well, what do each of you do? One says Im the fish friar and the other And Im the chip monk!

The entire room erupts into laughter.

DEAN PELTON (O.C.)(yelling)

Abed Nadir!

The laughter is abruptly cut short.

DEAN PELTON (O.C.)(CONTD)You and I have unfinished business!

The lackeys rush and tumble out of the door of the private dining room. The band and the dancing have stopped and the other patrons look up at the dining room in shock.

Britta is holding the Dean hostage in the main courtyard, paint-sword pointed at his back. The Dean is steadying himself with one arm on a support pillar.

Slowly and deliberately, Abed emerges, sheathed paint-sword in hand. Britta moves from directly behind the Dean so Abed can see her.

Britta removes the sword from the Deans back and slices down on his arm, drenching his left side from the shoulder down in red paint. Abeds lackeys draw their weapons.

As Britta moves forward towards the dance floor, panicked patrons flood out of the courtyard.

ABEDNick. Go.

Nick heads down to the main courtyard to face Britta one-on-one. Nick charges Britta, who parries, breaking Nicks sword. Nick pauses in shock, giving Britta time to jab him in the stomach and release a torrent of red paint, covering his entire torso.

22.

ABED (CONTD)Tear her apart!

The rest of the lackeys head down the stairs, coming at Britta three at a time. She parries a flurry of attacks and counterattacks, dispatching all three in one blow.

The remaining two approach more cautiously, waiting until the last moment to simultaneously lunge at her. Britta parries multiple stabs and the lackeys back off.

They charge simultaneously again, but Britta parries one sword, ducks under the other, and slices the closer of the two across the belly.

The remaining lackey jumps at her. She dodges and slices them in the back. Britta returns to the center of the dance floor.

BRITTASo, Abed, any more subordinates for me to stain?

Vicki appears on the other staircase with a giant sponge-ball full of paint on a rope.

VICKIHi!

BRITTAVicki, right?

Vicki begins to descend the stairs

VICKIBingo. And youre Red Squirrel.

BRITTAOur reputations precede us.

VICKIApparently.

BRITTAVicki, I know you feel you must protect your boss, but I beg you, walk away.

Vicki begins to chuckle

VICKIYou call that begging? You can beg better than that.

23.

Vicki drops the sponge-ball to the floor, creating a huge puddle of paint. Britta raises her sword, and Vicki begins to swing the sponge-ball around her head.

Vicki swings the sponge-ball at Brittas head. Britta rolls forward and catches the rope on her sword, creating a much tighter arc for the sponge-ball, which comes around and smacks Vicki in the face, covering her in paint. Vicki collapses.

Britta returns to the center of the dance floor.

BRITTAWell. Anyone else?

ABEDI have more underlings, but sending them all against you would be too time consuming, plus youd probably stain them all. Meet me out back, and well end this.

Abed turns and exits. Britta follows.

EXT. RESTAURANT BACK YARD - NIGHT

The back yard is home to the play-place for children, the entire ground covered in white sand.

Abed waits at one end as Britta slowly enters.

ABEDWhere was it made?

BRITTAHere.

ABEDWhom here made it?

BRITTAThis is Ben Changs creation

ABEDNo!

Britta shakes her head and reveals the picture of Chang riding the tiger at the base of the blade.

ABED (CONTD)Swords, though, dont get tired. I hope youve saved your energy.

(MORE)

24.

Or else, you might not last five minutes.

Abed removes his jacket, folds it and places it on a nearby bench.

Abed charges and engages Britta. The two swing, parry, and lunge at each other, spinning and wheeling. They seem evenly matched.

Abed slowly positions Britta in front of a rock, then lunges, forcing her back and making her trip and fall.

ABED (CONTD)Silly hippie likes to play with nerds tools. You may not be able to fight like a nerd, but you can at least be stained like one.

Britta slowly rises, using her paint-sword to get back up, breathing heavily.

Through more fighting, Britta positions Abed in front of a metal pole, then lunges to make him trip on it, twisting his leg. He rises quickly, but is moving more slowly. They are evenly matched now and on their last legs.

They prepare for a final lunge. Abed swings high. Britta parries, and swings. A line of paint hits the sand. Abed falls to his knees, his sword falling from his hand. CLOSE UP on Abeds face.

ABED (CONTD)That really was a Ben Chang sword.

PAN UP to reveal the entire top of his head drenched in paint. He slumps over in the sand.

Britta begins to walk away and pulls out her list of names, and crosses out number 1) Abed Nadir (Guinea Pig), the rest of the list is clean.

INT. THE DEANS OFFICE - DAY

Close up of the Deans traumatized face.

JEFF (O.C.)Craig, Craig, Craig. Im so sorry.

DEAN PELTONPlease forgive my betrayal, Jeffrey.

ABED (CONTD)

25.

JEFF (O.C.)Its alright.

DEAN PELTONBut still -

JEFF (O.C.)But still nothing. Except my aching heart. Over what shes done to my friends. If you had to guess why she spared you, what would be your guess?

DEAN PELTONGuessing wont be necessary. She informed me.

FLASHBACK

EXT. GREENDALE ROAD - NIGHT

The Dean is in the trunk of the van, Britta is leaning over him.

BRITTAI spared you for two reasons. And the second reason is I want you to tell him, in person, everything you witnessed tonight. I want you to tell him all the information you just told me.

(beat)I want him to know what I know.

(beat)I want him to know I want him to know.

(beat)And I want them all to know, theyll all soon be as stained as Abed Nadir.

CUT TO BLACK

26.