Compiled and edited byE. O. PARROTT

Imitations of ImmortalityA BOOK OF LITERARY PARODIES

VIKING

CONTENTS

Preface vii

Prologue • i

AESCHYLUS

Peter Rabbit JV. J. Warburton 5The Nurse's Tale E. 0. Parrott 6Fragment of a Greek Tragedy A. E. Housman 7

ARISTOTLE

from Concerning Golf A. D. Godley 10

ANON (Chinese)Our Head-waiter L. E. Jones 12The Girl of So Ho Gerard Benson 12Kindness to the Starfish J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber1) 13

ANON (Early English)Ancient Music Ezra Pound 13An Antient Poem Frank Sidgwick 14

GEOFFREY CHAUCER

Imitation of Chaucer Alexander Pope 15The Probatioun Officere's Tale Gerard Benson 16The Hicche-hykere W. F. JV. Watson 16

ANON (Border Ballad)The New Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch 17

FRANCIS BACON

from Of Donnes G. F. Forrest 21

CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE

Another Passionate Shepherd Martin Fagg 22

IX

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

from Savonarola Brown, Act II Sir Max Beerbohm 23King Canute Stanley J. Sharpless 28All's Well Stanley J. Sharpless 29Once More unto the Peace Sagittarius 30By All Accounts Roger Woddis 31Enter Puck Roger Woddis 32This Railway Station Allan M. Laing 33When Icicles Peter Veale 33W. S. at his Mirror Mary Holtby 34When to the Sessions Ronn Marvin 34

ANON (Elizabethan Dramatist)'Tis Pity He's a Stockfish Trooper Jones , 35from The Critic Richard Brinsley Sheridan 36

ROBERT HERRICK

Upon Julia's Clothes E. V. Knox 36Upon Julia's Clothes Michael Barsley . . 37

JOHN MILTON

Ode to Conservation Joyce Johnson 37Paradise Lost 2-0 Margaret Rogers . . 38

RICHARD LOVELACE

To My Lady Nicotine Martin Fagg 39Alibi Arthur Guiterman 39

* • - , •

ANDREW MARVELL

To his Coarse Mistress Gerard Benson , . . 40

JOHN AUBREY

Memories of 1966 Peter Veale 41

DEAN JONATHAN SWIFT

Voyage to Cynosuria Allan M. Laing , 4 2

ALEXANDER POPE

O n ' W h o ' s W h o ' H. A . C. Evans 4 3A L i m e r i c k R e w r i t t e n J. H. Frank - , > • - . • 4 3

SAMUEL RICHARDSON

from Shamela Henry Fielding 44

THOMAS GRAY

If Gray had had to Write his Elegy in the Cemetery atSpoon River Sir John Squire 46

CHRISTOPHER SMART

To his Mirror Stanley Shaw 49

OLIVER GOLDSMITH

When Lovely Woman Phoebe Carey 49

JAMES BOSWELL

Two Hitherto Unpublished Extracts from his Life ofDr Johnson Stanley J. Sharpless; Russell Lucas 50

ROBERT BURNS

For A' That and A' That C. W. Shirley Brooks 51The Queys are Mooping Harry Graham 53Justice to Scotland C. W. Shirley Brooks 54Rigid Body Sings James Clerk Maxwell 55

WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

A Sonnet J. K. Stephen 55On First Hearing that Wordsworth had an Illegitimate

Child John Julius Norwich 56Epilogue George Gordon, Lord Byron 57The Wordsworths William Bealby-Wright 57It's Those Daffodils Again Lance A. Howard 58A Fragment Catherine Fanshawe 59The Hardened Brat Sagittarius 60He Lived amidst th' Untrodden Ways Hartley Coleridge 62

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE

On a Ruined House in a Romantic CountrySamuel Taylor Coleridge 63

The Ancient Mariner (The Wedding Guest's Version of. the Affair) Anon 63

ROBERT SOUTHEY

Epitaph on a Well-known Poet Thomas Moore 66

xi

J A N ' E A U S T E N • ' "• • • • > - ' • ' . •

Pride and Porringers E. 0. Parrott •':'•'•'•' • ' 6 7Pride and Punishment Gwen Foyle '•• 69Mansfield Mill E. 0. Parrott 69

from Sense and Centenaries H.'F. Ellis ' ' 70

THOMAS MOORE

'Twas Ever Thus Henry S. Leigh • ^2

GEORGE GORDON, LORD BYRON

from Beer C. S.Calverley 73The Poet Sees Himself Martin Fagg 74A Grievance J. K. Stephen 75

JAMES FENIMORECOOPER

from Muck-a-Muck Bret Harte 76

PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY

" Ozymandias Revisited Morris Bishop . 7 8

JOHN KEATS

A Grecian Urn Reconsidered Nancy Gunter , 79Ode to Another Nightingale A. Sheridan 80Ode to a Slug Andrew Stibbs 80

THOMAS HOOD

Elegy Martin Fagg . . 8 1Ben Barley Gerard Benson 82

ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING

Sonnet Stanley J. Sharpless 83

HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

Hiawatha's Photographing Lewis Carroll 83What I Think of Hiawatha J . W. Morris 87The,Modern Hiawatha George A. Strong 88The Village Burglar Anon 88

j . G. WHITTIER • ; .•.-••;'.--:••

The Ballad of Hiram Hover Bayard Taylor • 89

xii

ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON

The Laureate William Aytoun 91The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell

Algernon Charles Swinburne 93The Charge of the Bread Brigade Ezra Pound 94What the Ghost Told Hamlet Rhoda Tuck Pook 95Maud Douglas Hawson 95The Modern Brook Paul Griffin 96

EDGAR ALLAN POE

Nevermore C. L. Edson 97

EDWARD FITZGERALD

from Strugnell's Rubaiyat Wendy Cope 98

CHARLES DICKENS

Christmas Afternoon Robert Benchley 100More Hard Times Gerard Benson 102

EDWARD LEAR

The Cottonwool Tour Trooper Jones 103

ROBERT BROWNING

A Girtonian Funeral Anon 104Sincere Flattery of R.B. J. K. Stephen 106How I Brought the Good News from Aix to Ghent, or Vice

Versa Walter Carruthers Sellar and Robert Julian Teatman 107How They Brought the Bad News Roger Woddis 108The Last Ride Together (from her point of view)

J. K. Stephen 109Home Truths from Abroad Anon 112

. My First Abstract T. Griffiths 112From a Spanish Cloister G. K. Chesterton 113

CHARLOTTE BRONTE

from Miss Mix Bret Harte 114

WALT WHITMAN

Camarados Bayard Taylor 117Sincere Flattery of W.W. (Americanus) J. K. Stephen 118A Classic Waits for Me E. B. White 118

xni

CHARLES KINGSLEY :

Two Extracts from The Unexpurgated Water Babies • . 'Martin Fagg; E. M. E. Wood •. 120

ARTHUR HUGH CLOUGH

The Most Famous Poem of J. Strugnell Gavin Ewart 121

JEAN INGELOW

Lovers, and a Reflection C. S. Calverley 122

FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY

The Gollies Karamazov Alan Coren 124

DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI

After 'Dilettante Concetti' H. D. Traill 126Soul Severance St John Hankin 128

GEORGE MEREDITH

The Charlady at Patterne Hall L. E. Jones 128The Charwoman Allan M. Laing , . 129

EMILY DICKINSON

Morning Disturbance Peter De Vries 130She Sees Another Door Opening Firman Houghton 130

T. E. BROWN

My Garden Gerard Benson 131

LOUISA MAY ALCOTT .

Little Liberated Women Gwen Foyle 131

WILLIAM MORRIS

Ballad C. S. Calverley 132Rondel Anon 134

ALFRED AUSTIN

A Birthday Ode to Mr Alfred Austin Sir Owen Seaman 135

SIR WILLIAM S. GILBERT

A Policeman's Lot Wendy Cope '140I Am a Racist Tim Hopkins - 141

xiv

ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE

Nephelidia Algernon Charles Swinburne 142Octopus A. C. Hilton 143A Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Richard Le Gallienne 144

THOMAS HARDY

A Luncheon (Thomas Hardy Entertains the Prince ofWales) Sir Max Beerbohm 145

Transistors Martin Fagg 146My Mouse Edward Blishen 146The Morning's Journal Edward Blishen 147Foes Beyond Martin Fagg 147

HENRY JAMES

The Guerdon Sir Max Beerbohm 148A Blurb for the Dustjacket of The Turn of the Screw

Edward Blishen 150

GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS

Initial Poem Gerard Benson 151Breakfast with Gerard Manley Hopkins Anthony Brode 152February Filldyke R. J. P. Hewison 153Baked Beauty Bill Greenwell 153

OSCAR WILDE

A Play of No Importance J. Dean 154The Importance of Being Ernestine Martin Fagg 154

H. RIDER HAGGARD

from The Deathless Queen G. F. Forrest 155

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

Opening Paragraph of his Memoirs Allan M. Laing 157On Jane Austen L. E. Jones 158

JOSEPH CONRAD

from Mystery E. V. Knox 159

A. E. HOUSMAN

What, Still Alive at Twenty-two? Hugh Kingsmill 162Summer Time on Bredon Hugh Kingsmill 163The Man Who Hangs Head Downwards

Katharine Whitehorn 163

xv

Last Poem Mary Holt by 164Off Wenlock Edge Paul Griffin 165The Sun It Shines Thomas Derrick 165

SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

The Adventure of the Diamond Necklace G. F. Forrest 166The Adventure of the Two Collaborators

Sir James Barrie 168

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

A Spot of Verse J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 170

SIR HENRY NEWBOLT

The Little Commodore Sir John Squire 171There's a Breathless Hush Noel Petty 172

WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

I Will Arise Sagittarius 172

RUDYARD KIPLING

To R.K. (1891) J. K. Stephen 173A Ballad Guy Wetmore Carryl 174

• Spring Is Here Stanley J. Sharpless 175Mummy Katharine Whitehorn J76Christie's Minstrels Peter Veale ,. 177The Reunion Dinner Martin Fagg 178Recruiting Song Michael Foster . 178

H. G. WELLS .

from The Peculiar Bird E. V. Knox 179

ARNOLD BENNETT

from Scruts Sir Max Beerbohm 182

HILAIRE BELLOC

At Martinmas Sir John Squire 186New Tarantella Paul Griffin 187New Cautionary Tale Ven. H. F. Kirkpatrick 187On Mrs Beeton Stevie Ewart 188

W. H. DAVIES ,

The Tales I Hear Sir John Squire 189

xvi

J . M. SYNGEA Memory L. A. G. Strong 190

WALTER DE LA MARE

The Last Bus E. V. Knox 190The Bug-eyed Listeners Roger Woddis 192

G. K. CHESTERTON

In Praise of Non-central Heating H. A. C. Evans 193When I Leapt over Tower Bridge Sir John Squire 194A Song Against Supermarkets Stanley J. Sharpless 195

W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM

from First Person Circular L. A. Pavey 195Short Story — Opening Paragraph W. J. Webster 197Cats! Martin Fagg 197

ROBERT FROST

Mr Frost Goes South to Boston Firman Houghton 198

JOHNBUCHAN

Nunsmantle Martin Fagg 199from The Queen of Minikoi J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 199

JOHN MASEFIELD

Sea-chill Arthur Guiterman 202Bank-holiday Fever Richard Quick 203The Everlasting Percy E. V. Knox 204

E. M. FORSTER

What Really Happened in the Malabar CavesT. Griffiths 206

LYTTON STRACHEY

The Death of King Edward V I I L. E.Jones 207

MARY WEBB

from Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons 207

P.. G. WODEHOUSE

Bertie and Emma Russell Lucas 210Bertie Gulliver in Brobdingnag G. J. Blundell 210I Say, Give Over, Jeeves! Clive Jacques 211

xvii

DAISY ASHFORDT h e W a g e s of Sin Is D e t h P. M. Robertson . • < 212

VIRGINIA WOOLFA Cricket Commentary Stanley J. Sharpless 212Advertisement Copy Elaine Morgan 213

A. A. MILNEfrom When We Were Very Silly J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 213God Bless Nanny W. F. N. Watson 215No Daddy Monica G. Ribon 215

JAMES JOYCEfrom The Tents of Wickedness Peter De Vries 216

FRANZ KAFKAA's Trial David Lodge 220

DAMON RUNYON

On Henry James Allan M. Laing 222The Fable of the Hare and the Tortoise L. W. Bailey 223

IVY COMPTON-BURNETTLittle Brothers and Sisters Margaret Rogers 224

D. H. LAWRENCE

On a Football-pool Winner Peter Sheldon 224The Lost Girl Trespasser George Moor 225The British Museum Reading Room David Lodge 226Slug Andrew Stibbs 227

EZRA POUNDAnother Canto J . B. Morton {'Beachcomber3) 229

SIEGFRIED SASSOONInitial Poem Bill Greenwell 230

DAME EDITH SITWELLContours .Sir Noel Coward 230Sunday Morning at Wiesbaden Sir Noel Coward 231The Three Calenders E. V. Knox 231

xviii

T . S . E L I O T

Chard Whitlow Henry Reed 233A Letter to Harriet Weaver, in the Style of The Waste Land

James Joyce 234The Picnic Land J. A. Lindon 235from The Eumenides at Home James Agate 236Sweeney Aesthetic J. A. Lindon 238McQuiddity Mary Holtby • 239The Pooch J. A. Lindon 240

KATHERINE MANSFIELD

A Football-pool Winner Margaret Tims 240

RAYMOND CHANDLER

Mr Big Woody Allen 241

WILFRED OWEN

A Third World War Poem Bill Greenwell 249

e. e. cummingspoets Peter De Vries 250

ALDOUS HUXLEY

from Told in Gath Cyril Connolly 251

WILLIAM FAULKNER

Requiem for a Noun, or Intruder in the Dust Peter De Vries 253

ENID BLYTON

. The Famous Five Take Tea with Gaius Caesar AugustusGermanicus and Family N. J. Warburton 258

THORNTON WILDER

Just Plain Folks Kenneth Tynan 258

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

For Whom the Gong Sounds Cornelia Otis Skinner 261

SIR NOEL COWARD

The Archers E. 0. Parrott 263from The Caretaker . . . or Private Life Alan Coren 263

xix

OGDEN NASH

Just a Few Friends Basil Ransome-Davies 265On Patience Strong Elaine Morgan 266Daddy's Not Taking You to the Zoo Tomorrow, Not If

I Can Help It Gerard Benson 266

STEVIE SMITH

On Herself John Stanley Sweetman 267Hound Puss Martin Fagg 268

GRAHAM GREENE

Extract from a.Biography of Sir Hugh GreeneSir Hugh Greene {'Sebastian Eleigh') 268

Verse Autobiography Graham Greene {'H. A. Baxter3) 269Extract from an Imaginary Novel Sir Hugh Greene

{'Sebastian Eleigh') 269Nothing Succeeds like Failure Martin Fagg 270Early Writing J. A. Lindon 270Nun-running Peter Veale 271

c. p. SNOW

The Cloisters of Power Martin Fagg 272Lewis Eliot's Revolution Diary Martin Fagg 273

SAMUEL BECKETT

from Slamm's Last Knock Kenneth Tynan 273LGA-ORD Ian A. Frazier 276

SIR JOHN BETJEMAN

On the Derationing of Sweets Arthur Marshall 277Place Names of China Alan Bennett 278Betjeman, 1984 Charles Causley 279Autumn Stanley J. Sharpless . . 280At the Post Office Stanley J. Sharpless 280A Ticket-Collector's Love Song Roger Woddis 281

LOUIS MACNEICE

More Bagpipe Music E. 0. Parrott 282

W.H.AUDEN

Just a Smack at Auden Sir William Empson . 283

XX

Self-congratulatory Ode on Mr Auden's Election to the• ' Professorship of Poetry at Oxford Ronald Mason 284

from The Tents of Wickedness: No Need to CryPeter De Vries 285

IAN FLEMING

from Bond Strikes Camp Cyril Connolly 286

LAWRENCE DURRELL

from Ivy Roger Angell 290from Voluptia Malcolm Bradbury 293

DYLAN THOMAS

Under Broadcasting House Richard Quick 295Adventures in the Fur Game P. W. R. Foot 296

HENRY REED

The Mending of Fuses E. 0. Parrott 297

CHARLES CAUSLEY

Book Review Russell Davies 298

MURIEL SPARK

Last Things Malcolm Bradbury 299

J. D. SALINGER

Review J. A. Lindon 304

IRIS MURDOCH

from The Sublime and the Ridiculous Malcolm Bradbury 305

KINGSLEY AMIS

What about You? Edward Pygge 306Remember Lot's Wife Stanley J. Sharpless 307

PHILIP LARKIN

After the Library Douglas Gibson 308Mr Strugnell Wendy Cope 309Second-hand Car Dealer Stanley J. Sharpless 310

JOHN WAIN

Keeping up with Kingsley Colin Falck 310

xxi

ANON (Romantic Ballad)I Hold Your Hand in Mine Tom Lehrer 311

ANON (Negro Spiritual)The Heavenly Fish Queue Allan M. Laing 312

ALLEN GINSBERG

Squeal Louis Simpson 313

ALAN SILLITOE

from Room at the Bottom Malcolm Bradbury 314

PETER PORTER

E Pericoloso Sporgersi Wendy Cope 317

TED HUGHES

Budgie Finds His Voice Wendy Cope 318Looking in the Mirror Bill Greenwell 318Slug Resting Andrew Stibbs 3!9

HAROLD PINTER

A Bear Called Paddington Bill Greenwell 320

GEORGE MACBETH

from Peregrine Prykke's Pilgrimage Clive James 321

ATHOL FUGARD

The Wind in the Willows Ken Rudge 321

CRAIG RAINE

Birth Bill Greenwell . 322Birthday Bill Greenwell . 323The Lavatory Attendant Wendy Cope 323

PAM AYRES

Post-natal Pome Sue Denim -• ' • 324

Variationsfrom The Muse among the Motorists Rudyard Kipling 325Old King Cole - Variations of an Air G. K. Chesterton 332

xxii

Salad Mortimer Collins 334The Poets at Tea Barry Pain 336

RIGHT OF REPLY: REJOINDERS TO POETS FROM THE

SUBJECTS OF THEIR VERSES

A Toad on Philip Larkin Basil Ransome-Davies 340The Lamb on William Blake Fiona Pitt-Kethley 340The Pig on Ted Hughes Bill Greenwell 341The Snake on D. H. Lawrence N. J. Warburton 341'Four-Feet' on Rudyard Kipling Roger Woddis 342A Shropshire Lad to A. E. Housman Pendextre 342The Fair Youth Responds to William Shakespeare

Mary Holtby 343Porphyria to Robert Browning Paul Griffin 343The Nymph's Reply to Christopher Marlowe's Passionate

Shepherd Sir Walter Raleigh 344Jenny to D. G. Rossetti Pontifex - 345Cynara to Ernest Dowson L. E. Jones " 346Lucasta to Richard Lovelace L. E. Jones 346The Fat White Woman to Frances Cornford

G. K. Chesterton 347

NURSERY RHYMES REWRITTEN

Sing a Song of Sixpence by John Milton Rhoda Tuck Pook 347Little Jack Homer by Anthony Powell Alan Alexander 348Baa Baa Black Sheep by William Wordsworth

Wendy Cope 348Three Blind Mice by Gerard Manley Hopkins

Bill Greenwell 349Old King Cole by W. B. Yeats Gerard Benson 350Ride a Cock-horse by T. S. Eliot E. 0. Parrott 350The Grand Old Duke of York by J. D. Salinger

Tim Hopkins 351Little Boy Blue by Alexander Pope Paul Griffin 351Jack Sprat by Ernest Hemingway Henry Hetherington 352Solomon Grundy by P. G. Wodehouse Martin Fagg 353Little Miss Muffet by Stevie Smith Martin Fagg 353Mary, Mary by William Shakespeare G. F. Forrest 354Hey Diddle Diddle by Robert Browning Gerard Benson 354Jack and Jill by William Wordsworth Gerard Benson 355

xxiii

Georgy Porgy by Lord Macaulay G. F. Forrest \ : '356Girls and Boys Come out to Play by Sir John Betjeman

Hilary 356Rock-a-Bye Baby by Alexander Pope Rhoda Tuck Pook 357

CHILDREN'S BOOKS

RichmalCrompton: Just William Tom Lawrence 358Lewis Carroll: Alice in Wonderland J. Y. Watson 358Arthur Ransome: Swallows and Amazons J: M. Crooks 359Enid Blyton: Noddy J. M. Crooks 360Kenneth Grahame: The Wind in the Willows

George van Schaick 360Captain W. E.Johns: Biggies Battles On Graham Chapman 361Frank Richards: Greyfriars E. 0. Parrott 362

OTHER MEN'S MUSES

Geoffrey Chaucer Rewrites Sir John BetjemanStanley J. Sharpless 363

Sir William Empson Rewrites William WordsworthBasil Ransome-Davies ,• 363

William McGonagall Rewrites Rupert BrookeJ. T. Watson 364

Sir John Betjeman Rewrites John DonneBasil Ransome-Davies 365

Jane Austen Rewrites.Dylan Thomas Roy Kelly .... • 365. Dylan Thomas Rewrites Jane Austen Stanley J. Sharpless 366

Sir John Betjeman Rewrites William WordsworthGavin Ewart . • 366

W. H. Auden Rewrites John Keats Mary Holtby 367Daisy Ashford Rewrites Jane Austen, Martin Fagg, , 368Graham Greene Rewrites Charles Dickens John Digby 368Edward Fitzgerald Rewrites T. S. Eliot Roy Fuller 369

Index of Authors Parodied 371

Index of Parodists 375

Sources and Acknowledgements 379