Conflict ManagementConflict Management

ChekChek--Yat Phoon, PhD, FCollTYat Phoon, PhD, FCollTNSD Education DepartmentNSD Education Department

Venue: HKMCVenue: HKMCSept 20, 2009Sept 20, 2009

It may good to sit on the problem.It may good to sit on the problem.

Objectives:Objectives:

1.1. Describe characteristics of conflict.Describe characteristics of conflict.2.2. Identify typical responses when needs are Identify typical responses when needs are

violated.violated.3.3. Distinguish among three stages of conflict.Distinguish among three stages of conflict.4.4. Define the five conflict handling modes Define the five conflict handling modes

discussed in the Thomasdiscussed in the Thomas--Kilmann Instrument.Kilmann Instrument.5.5. Review various conflict management resources.Review various conflict management resources.6.6. Demonstrate methods to effectively resolve Demonstrate methods to effectively resolve

conflict situations.conflict situations.

What do you know about conflict?What do you know about conflict?

Write Write ““TrueTrue”” or or ““FalseFalse”” next to each statement belownext to each statement below……

1.1. Conflict left alone will take care of itself.Conflict left alone will take care of itself.2.2. Confronting an issue or a person is always unpleasant.Confronting an issue or a person is always unpleasant.3.3. Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor

leadership.leadership.4.4. It takes two people communicating effectively to It takes two people communicating effectively to

change the direction of a conflict.change the direction of a conflict.5.5. Conflict can be constructive.Conflict can be constructive.6.6. How we respond to others and situations is based on How we respond to others and situations is based on

the attitude we take.the attitude we take.

What do you know about conflict?What do you know about conflict?

7.7. Anger is always negative and destructive.Anger is always negative and destructive.8.8. Communication is 50% verbal and 50% nonverbal.Communication is 50% verbal and 50% nonverbal.9.9. Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from solving Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from solving

concrete problems to proving you are right and concrete problems to proving you are right and another person is wrong. another person is wrong.

10.10. Communication and emotion are two key elements of Communication and emotion are two key elements of any conflict. any conflict.

11.11. Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the fewest number of people are involved.fewest number of people are involved.

12.12. In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and with authority in order to make a point.with authority in order to make a point.

Objective 1Objective 1

Describe characteristics of Describe characteristics of conflictconflict..

ConflictConflict……

Occurs when cares/concerns appear to be Occurs when cares/concerns appear to be incompatibleincompatible

Internal ConflictInternal Conflict: :

a disturbance that rages within a single a disturbance that rages within a single individualindividual

Interpersonal ConflictInterpersonal Conflict::

a disturbance that exists between 2 or more a disturbance that exists between 2 or more individuals/groupsindividuals/groups

Conflict isConflict is……..

Something we face everyday.Something we face everyday.A fact of life.A fact of life.An opportunity to create an An opportunity to create an understanding.understanding.Often a result of miscommunication. Often a result of miscommunication. Not limited to fighting.Not limited to fighting.Not always negative!Not always negative!

Critical Elements of ConflictCritical Elements of Conflict

CommunicationCommunicationVerbal communicationVerbal communication

7%7%NonNon--verbal communicationverbal communication

93%93%Emotional Aspect Emotional Aspect

Is this pushing a Is this pushing a ““hot buttonhot button””??

What is your level of commitment to this person?What is your level of commitment to this person?

What else is happening in your life?What else is happening in your life?

On a scale of 1On a scale of 1--10, how important is this?10, how important is this?

Emotional DonEmotional Don’’ts:ts:

DonDon’’t get in a power struggle.t get in a power struggle.DonDon’’t detach from conflict.t detach from conflict.DonDon’’t let conflict establish your agenda.t let conflict establish your agenda.DonDon’’t overt over--dramatize the situation.dramatize the situation.DonDon’’t t ““awfulizeawfulize””!!!!

Objective 2Objective 2

Identify typical responses Identify typical responses when needs are violated.when needs are violated.

Four BasicFour BasicPsychological Needs:Psychological Needs:

To be valued and treated as an individualTo be valued and treated as an individual

To be in controlTo be in control

To have strong selfTo have strong self--esteemesteem

To be consistentTo be consistent

When needs are violated, When needs are violated, individuals respond.individuals respond.

Retaliate Retaliate MomentaryMomentaryAlways a mistakeAlways a mistake

Intimidate Intimidate Short tempersShort tempersStrong opinionsStrong opinionsHard on the long term relationshipHard on the long term relationship

When needs are violated, When needs are violated, individuals respond.individuals respond.

Isolate Isolate Appear to accept the situationAppear to accept the situationThey may actually be suppressing itThey may actually be suppressing itThis is how small problems grow into huge This is how small problems grow into huge misunderstandingsmisunderstandings

CooperateCooperateConfront the issue immediatelyConfront the issue immediatelyAddress the problem by putting it on the tableAddress the problem by putting it on the tableGreatest long term benefitGreatest long term benefit

Is this your wish for all of the Is this your wish for all of the difficult people in your life?difficult people in your life?

If so, you might not If so, you might not be in a cooperative be in a cooperative spirit! spirit! ☺☺

Objective 3Objective 3

Distinguish among three Distinguish among three stages of conflict.stages of conflict.

3 Stages of Conflict3 Stages of Conflict

Stage One: Everyday DifficultiesStage One: Everyday DifficultiesLow intensityLow intensityDayDay--toto--day irritationsday irritationsDiscomfort & anger are quickly passed offDiscomfort & anger are quickly passed off““No big dealNo big deal”” attitudeattitude

Strategies:Strategies:AvoidanceAvoidanceObligingObligingJointly examine both sidesJointly examine both sidesEvaluate the proportion of the reaction to the situationEvaluate the proportion of the reaction to the situation

3 Stages of Conflict3 Stages of ConflictStage Two: Significant Difficulties Stage Two: Significant Difficulties

WinWin--lose attitudelose attitudeMore personal investmentMore personal investmentSelf interest & saving face is importantSelf interest & saving face is importantVictories/mistakes are rememberedVictories/mistakes are rememberedAlliances & cliques are formedAlliances & cliques are formed

Strategies:Strategies:Create a safe environment Create a safe environment -- informal setting, neutral turf, informal setting, neutral turf, agenda, control, set tone, be vulnerableagenda, control, set tone, be vulnerableHard on facts and soft on peopleHard on facts and soft on peopleDo initial work as a teamDo initial work as a teamLook for middle groundLook for middle groundAllow enough timeAllow enough timeSeat people next to each otherSeat people next to each other

3 Stages of Conflict3 Stages of ConflictStage Three: Overt BattlesStage Three: Overt Battles

Shift from wanting to win to wanting to hurtShift from wanting to win to wanting to hurtBeing right and punishing the wrong is a consuming Being right and punishing the wrong is a consuming motivationmotivationPositions are polarizedPositions are polarizedLogic and reason are ineffectiveLogic and reason are ineffective

Strategies:Strategies:Negotiation Negotiation -- discussion & compromisediscussion & compromiseMediation Mediation -- third party serves as a gothird party serves as a go--between in between in order to reconcileorder to reconcileArbitration Arbitration -- determination of a case in controversy by determination of a case in controversy by a person selected by the partiesa person selected by the parties

Objective 4Objective 4

Define the five conflict Define the five conflict handling modes discussed handling modes discussed

in the Thomasin the Thomas--Kilmann Kilmann Instrument.Instrument.

WhatWhat’’s Your Conflict Management s Your Conflict Management Style? Style?

How do you react during a conflict...and how How do you react during a conflict...and how do others react to you? do others react to you?

ThomasThomas--Kilman Instrument (TKI) Kilman Instrument (TKI) --Provides Provides information about an individualinformation about an individual’’s style of s style of handling conflict, compared to five distinct handling conflict, compared to five distinct modes.modes.

ASSERTIVENESS (Trying to satisfy your own ASSERTIVENESS (Trying to satisfy your own concerns) vs. COOPERATIVENESS (Trying to concerns) vs. COOPERATIVENESS (Trying to satisfy the othersatisfy the other’’s concerns)s concerns)

Graph of Conflict Handling ModesGraph of Conflict Handling Modes

Accommodating

Compromising

Avoiding

CollaboratingCompeting

CooperativeUncooperative

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TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

CompetingCompeting:: High assertiveness and low High assertiveness and low cooperativeness cooperativeness ——the goal is to the goal is to ““winwin””

Occurs when you take a position that meets Occurs when you take a position that meets your concerns but not the other personyour concerns but not the other person’’s. A s. A winwin--lose mode.lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling ModesAccommodatingAccommodating: : Low assertiveness and high Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness cooperativeness —— the goal is to the goal is to ““yieldyield””

Occurs when you accept a position that meets Occurs when you accept a position that meets the other personthe other person’’s concerns over yours. A wins concerns over yours. A win--lose mode.lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

AvoidingAvoiding:: Low assertiveness and low Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness cooperativeness —— the goal is to the goal is to ““delaydelay””

Occurs when you try not to engage in a conflict Occurs when you try not to engage in a conflict issue. It is a loseissue. It is a lose--lose mode.lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

CompromisingCompromising:: Moderate assertiveness and Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness moderate cooperativeness —— the goal is to the goal is to ““find a middle ground" find a middle ground"

Settle for a position that partially satisfies Settle for a position that partially satisfies your concerns and those of the other your concerns and those of the other person. A winperson. A win--lose mode.lose mode.

TKI Conflict Handling ModesTKI Conflict Handling Modes

CollaboratingCollaborating: : High assertiveness and high High assertiveness and high cooperativeness cooperativeness —— the goal is to the goal is to ““find a winfind a win--win solutionwin solution””

Occurs when you find a position that fully Occurs when you find a position that fully satisfies your own and the other personsatisfies your own and the other person’’s s concerns. A winconcerns. A win--win mode.win mode.

Uses of Each TKI ModeUses of Each TKI Mode

Scenario: A parent has submitted a Scenario: A parent has submitted a somewhat controversial proposal to the somewhat controversial proposal to the Church Board which has led to conflict Church Board which has led to conflict between the parent and the youth between the parent and the youth department leader.department leader.

WeWe’’ll first look at a poor use and then a ll first look at a poor use and then a more effective use of each mode.more effective use of each mode.

CompetingCompetingPoor use:Poor use:

Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““Look, I donLook, I don’’t care what you think or t care what you think or how unfair you think this is! Rules are rules, and Ihow unfair you think this is! Rules are rules, and I’’ve ve been hired to enforce them with no exceptions! Ibeen hired to enforce them with no exceptions! I’’m m right in this situation, and the case is closed!right in this situation, and the case is closed!””

Effective use:Effective use:Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““I understand that this is an I understand that this is an important issue for you. However, as your proposal important issue for you. However, as your proposal is currently stated, it does not fit in the guidelines set is currently stated, it does not fit in the guidelines set by the youth department. As youth leader, it is my by the youth department. As youth leader, it is my job to enforce the rules that have been set no matter job to enforce the rules that have been set no matter how unpopular they may be. The Church Board has how unpopular they may be. The Church Board has set the rules so that the youth program is within set the rules so that the youth program is within guidelines. I am not asking you to agree with my guidelines. I am not asking you to agree with my position, but I do hope that you will respect it.position, but I do hope that you will respect it.””

AvoidingAvoidingPoor use:Poor use:

Youth leader (has received a call from the Youth leader (has received a call from the secretary)secretary)…… ““No, I donNo, I don’’t want to talk to him now. t want to talk to him now. Tell him ITell him I’’m not in. Nom not in. No……tell him Itell him I’’m in a meeting m in a meeting and canand can’’t be disturbed. I dont be disturbed. I don’’t care what you tell t care what you tell himhim……just get rid of him!just get rid of him!””

Effective use:Effective use:Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““Look, this is obviously an emotional Look, this is obviously an emotional issue for you. I know that you have a lot invested in issue for you. I know that you have a lot invested in it. Why donit. Why don’’t we take some time away from the t we take some time away from the issue right now and plan to talk again tomorrow? issue right now and plan to talk again tomorrow? How does 10 a.m. sound? In the mean time, I will do How does 10 a.m. sound? In the mean time, I will do some research on your issue to see if I can find some research on your issue to see if I can find additional options for us to consider regarding your additional options for us to consider regarding your situation.situation.””

AccommodatingAccommodatingPoor use:Poor use:

Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““HeyHey……I understand this is important I understand this is important to you. So, even though your proposal doesnto you. So, even though your proposal doesn’’t fit t fit within the departmentwithin the department’’s guidelines, Is guidelines, I’’ll overlook it ll overlook it this time and recommend it for approval. Youthis time and recommend it for approval. You’’re an re an important member of the church, and I donimportant member of the church, and I don’’t want to t want to damage our relationship in the future.damage our relationship in the future.””

Effective use:Effective use:Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““I donI don’’t want to seem unresponsive t want to seem unresponsive to your concerns on this important issue. However, I to your concerns on this important issue. However, I dondon’’t have authority to overturn the Church Boardt have authority to overturn the Church Board’’s s decision. So, what I suggest is that I put your issue decision. So, what I suggest is that I put your issue on the agenda of the next Church Board meeting and on the agenda of the next Church Board meeting and invite you to attend, to see if the board has some invite you to attend, to see if the board has some additional options for you to consider.additional options for you to consider.””

CompromisingCompromisingPoor use:Poor use:

Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““YouYou’’ve heard the expression, ve heard the expression, ‘‘You You scratch my back, and Iscratch my back, and I’’ll scratch yoursll scratch yours’’? I bet we can ? I bet we can come to some agreement here. Youcome to some agreement here. You’’ve got season ve got season tickets to the basketball games this year, right? How tickets to the basketball games this year, right? How ‘‘bout you letting me have tickets for a couple of games, bout you letting me have tickets for a couple of games, and Iand I’’ll see if I canll see if I can’’t get this proposal to slip right t get this proposal to slip right through the Board? They have so many issues to deal through the Board? They have so many issues to deal with, they wonwith, they won’’t even know!t even know!””

Effective use:Effective use:Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““The Church board has set some pretty The Church board has set some pretty tight guidelines for me to follow. However, they tight guidelines for me to follow. However, they understand that there are times that some allowances understand that there are times that some allowances may need to be made. If you would agree to a revision may need to be made. If you would agree to a revision here in Part A of your proposal to be in line with the here in Part A of your proposal to be in line with the BoardBoard’’s guidelines, I believe that they would be willing s guidelines, I believe that they would be willing to consent to your request in Part B. Would you to consent to your request in Part B. Would you consider that revision?consider that revision?””

CollaboratingCollaboratingPoor use:Poor use:Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““O.K., we have an obvious difference of O.K., we have an obvious difference of opinion here. Iopinion here. I’’m not willing to take the responsibility m not willing to take the responsibility by myself, so letby myself, so let’’s call together a series of meetings s call together a series of meetings with the Board, their subwith the Board, their sub--committees, some other committees, some other Leaders, parents, and members. WeLeaders, parents, and members. We’’ll see if we canll see if we can’’t t research this issue in depth, discuss it extensively, and research this issue in depth, discuss it extensively, and come up with a solution in which all parties are in come up with a solution in which all parties are in agreement. Iagreement. I’’m guessing this process will only take m guessing this process will only take about 6about 6--8 months. That8 months. That’’s not too long of a wait for you, s not too long of a wait for you, is it?is it?””

Effective use:Effective use:Youth leaderYouth leader…… ““Since this is such an important issue Since this is such an important issue both to you and the youth department, I suggest that both to you and the youth department, I suggest that we sit down at a special meeting of the Board to try to we sit down at a special meeting of the Board to try to better understand each othersbetter understand each others’’ concerns. We donconcerns. We don’’t t want this issue to be unresolved too long, because want this issue to be unresolved too long, because there are a lot of resources involved here, but I do think there are a lot of resources involved here, but I do think it is important to try to reach a mutual decision that we it is important to try to reach a mutual decision that we can all agree upon. Letcan all agree upon. Let’’s plan for a ones plan for a one--hour meeting hour meeting with the Board next week, O.K.?with the Board next week, O.K.?””

What is the Best Way to Handle What is the Best Way to Handle Conflict???Conflict???

No silver bullet or magic formula.No silver bullet or magic formula.

Key is knowing when to use each strategy, Key is knowing when to use each strategy, and not to let the situation get out of and not to let the situation get out of controlcontrol

RememberRemember……Negative Behavior never Negative Behavior never confronted, never changes!!!!!confronted, never changes!!!!!

Objective 5Objective 5

Review various conflict Review various conflict management resources.management resources.

Conflict Management ResourcesConflict Management Resources

Thomas, K.W. & Kilmann, R.H. ThomasThomas, K.W. & Kilmann, R.H. Thomas--Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, www.cpp.comwww.cpp.com

Thomas, K.W. Introduction to Conflict Thomas, K.W. Introduction to Conflict Management, Improving Performance Management, Improving Performance Using the TKI, Using the TKI, www.cpp.comwww.cpp.com

Objective 6Objective 6

Demonstrate methods Demonstrate methods to effectively resolve to effectively resolve

conflict situations.conflict situations.

Conflict Management Conflict Management ScenariosScenarios

ScenarioScenario

The President of the board to which you The President of the board to which you are an advisor works hard at each are an advisor works hard at each meeting to make everyone feel welcome. meeting to make everyone feel welcome. But, when it comes to encouraging But, when it comes to encouraging committees to work and the members to committees to work and the members to complete their assignments, nothing complete their assignments, nothing positive seems to happen. As advisor positive seems to happen. As advisor you have been asked by some of the you have been asked by some of the board members to resolve this situation. board members to resolve this situation.

Tips to Handling ConflictsTips to Handling Conflicts

Keep program policies with youKeep program policies with youListen and ask clarifying questionsListen and ask clarifying questionsWrite notes and keep record of Write notes and keep record of conversationsconversationsConsider various optionsConsider various options

Tips to Handling ConflictsTips to Handling Conflicts

Learn from the conflictLearn from the conflictWhat did you do well?What did you do well?What would you like to improve the next time?What would you like to improve the next time?What changes (if any) need to be made as a What changes (if any) need to be made as a result of this issue?result of this issue?

RealReal--life examples and tips???life examples and tips???

What do you know about conflict?What do you know about conflict?Write Write ““TrueTrue”” or or ““FalseFalse”” next to each statement next to each statement

belowbelow……

1.1. Conflict left alone will take care of itself.Conflict left alone will take care of itself.2.2. Confronting an issue or a person is always Confronting an issue or a person is always

unpleasant.unpleasant.3.3. Conflict within an organization is a sign of Conflict within an organization is a sign of

poor leadership.poor leadership.4.4. It takes two people communicating effectively It takes two people communicating effectively

to change the direction of a conflict.to change the direction of a conflict.5.5. Conflict can be constructive.Conflict can be constructive.6.6. How we respond to others and situations is How we respond to others and situations is

based on the attitude we take.based on the attitude we take.

7.7. Anger is always negative and destructive.Anger is always negative and destructive.8.8. Communication is 50% verbal and 50% Communication is 50% verbal and 50%

nonverbal.nonverbal.9.9. Conflict is resolved once the goal switches Conflict is resolved once the goal switches

from solving concrete problems to proving from solving concrete problems to proving you are right and another person is wrong. you are right and another person is wrong.

10.10. Communication and emotion are two key Communication and emotion are two key elements of any conflict. elements of any conflict.

11.11. Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the fewest number of people are when the fewest number of people are involved.involved.

12.12. In times of conflict it is important to speak In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and with authority in order to make a loudly and with authority in order to make a point.point.

Conflict Quiz ReviewConflict Quiz Review

1.1. FalseFalse2.2. FalseFalse3.3. FalseFalse4.4. FalseFalse5.5. TrueTrue6.6. TrueTrue

7.7. FalseFalse8.8. FalseFalse9.9. FalseFalse10.10. TrueTrue11.11. TrueTrue12.12. FalseFalse

Questions?Questions?

……for your for your participation for your participation for your

certificationcertification