connectivity - david irvine · 2019-08-12 · this brings us to a fundamental authenticity dilemma,...

CONNECTIVITYBringing Authenticity to Relationships

T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S

Behind the Magic .................................................................................................................1

What’s Onstage in Your Relationships? ............................................................................3

Your Private Landfill Site ....................................................................................................6

Composting – From Poison to Prescription .....................................................................8

1) Seek Self-Awareness ..........................................................................................9

2) Take Responsibility .............................................................................................10

3)Invest in the Trust Account ................................................................................12

Eliciting the Truth from Others .........................................................................................15

a) Create a Safe and Caring Space ..........................................................................16

b) Be Present .............................................................................................................17

c) Be Curious ............................................................................................................18

d) Be Quiet ................................................................................................................19

e) Empathize .............................................................................................................20

f) Summarize ............................................................................................................20

g) Acknowledge and Validate .................................................................................21

h) Don’t Prosecute ...................................................................................................21

i) Show Gratitude ....................................................................................................22

j) Ask for Permission to Respond ...........................................................................23

Speaking Your Truth ...........................................................................................................24

Get Clear ...................................................................................................................25

Commit to Synergy ..................................................................................................26

Provide Facts ............................................................................................................26

Own your Opinions and Emotions ........................................................................26

Recommend Actions ...............................................................................................27

Ensure Comprehension ...........................................................................................28

Accept Challenges ................................................................................................................28

CONNECTIVITY: BRINGING AUTHENTICITY TO RELATIONSHIPS | 1

B E H I N D T H E M A G I C

Those who train Disney employees go to great lengths to stress the importance

of preserving the Disney magic for guests. A large share of their customer service

preparation is spent learning about the difference between “backstage” and “onstage.”

Backstage is the behind-the-scenes locations where cast members eat, drink, complain

about management, gossip about the previous night’s key party, and do what any

normal person does on their break. Backstage is also designated for such things as truck

deliveries, costume changes, composting, company meetings – stuff the public is never

supposed to see. Backstage is that mysterious place underneath, behind, and beyond

where thousands of operations vital to running the park and creating the illusion of

magic happen – all out of sight of the guests.


“Onstage” is where the show takes place. It is everything that happens on each and

every stage at Disney, everything that occurs on Main Street U.S.A., around Cinderella’s

Castle, and every other spot you’ll find a guest. Onstage is where Disney employees have

an opportunity to impress the guests. It’s where spells are cast, expectations exceeded,

and magic is made.

A few years ago, my friend Dennis Snow wrote a book entitled, Lessons from the Mouse:

A Guide for Applying Disney World’s Secrets of Success to Your Organization, Your Career,

and Your Life, based on his twenty-years’ experience “working for the mouse” at Walt

Disney World. In his book, he talks about how within the fabric of the Disney culture

is embedded this notion of keeping the backstage and the onstage separate. A partially

dressed Micky Mouse or stack of trash bags could easily ruin the fantasy and destroy

the magic. One of the mottos rooted deeply into the actions of employees is, “Dust goes

backstage; Pixie Dust goes onstage.” The company takes this notion so seriously, in fact,

that if an employee ever takes anyone, even a friend or family member, backstage for a

quick peek, they would likely be fired. It is a vivid message.


W H A T ’ S O N S T A G E I N Y O U R

R E L A T I O N S H I P S ?

This analogy of backstage and onstage can be applied to relationships. In every

interaction, there is an onstage presentation, the words that are said and the body

language expressed, as well as “backstage”: underlying feelings, thoughts, judgments,

fears, stories, and interpretations that are not spoken and are kept hidden.

Consider a real conversation that took place just last week with a potential client. It is an

example that illustrates my own failure to be authentic. I had been asked by a senior VP

in a company to help the executive leadership team develop into a high trust, aligned,

more cohesive group. They had a history of unresolved conflicts, tension, and distrust

that was obviously contaminating the entire company. To help me assess the value

I could bring to the company, and if there was a fit, I asked the VP to pass my name

along to the CEO to arrange a phone call with me. What follows is a description of my

conversation with the CEO (we’ll call him John) and an excerpt from our dialogue. The

left-hand column reports, in part, the conversation as you would have heard it if you

had been there (the onstage dialogue). The right-hand column reveals what I thought to

myself but never told John (the backstage dialogue).


WHAT DAVID AND JOHN SAID (ONSTAGE)

WHAT DAVID THOUGHT BUT DID NOT SAY (BACKSTAGE)

David (after some introductions and niceties): As you know, your VP has asked me to potentially do some work with your executive team. John, maybe we could start with some of your thoughts about this team, how they are functioning, and about how a person such as myself could bring some value to you.

I sure hope I make a good impression. You seem impatient and obviously very busy. I don’t want to waste your time. I want to look competent and sure of myself. At the same time, I want clarity about what you might expect of me if we decide to proceed with this project.

John: We need to make this quick. I only have twenty minutes and I have to get to another meeting. I think the team is functioning fine. We’re in the midst of a lot of restructuring and Steve [the VP who initially approached me] is guilty of running off with rogue ideas that always sound grandiose.

You want to end this in twenty minutes? I booked an hour out of my calendar for this call! And what’s up with the resistance? Have you had bad experiences with consultants before? What’s he afraid of? If he’s treating me this way, I wonder how he treats members of his executive team. And what about his employees?

David: So, you’re thinking there’s really no need to bring a guy like me in?

How can I deal effectively with your resistance and understand what’s going on?

John: Well, what exactly do you offer? Now I have to prove to you that I have credibility.

David: I specialize in authentic leadership and organizational culture. I believe that the health of an organization starts with the health of the executive team and I start my work by building a cohesive senior leadership team.

I’ll give you a sales pitch. Maybe that will work.


WHAT DAVID AND JOHN SAID (ONSTAGE)

WHAT DAVID THOUGHT BUT DID NOT SAY (BACKSTAGE)

John: I get what you are saying. I think we are under too much pressure with the organizational redesign right now to put our attention to what you have to offer.

I hate it when you interrupt me. You don’t understand and you aren’t interested in learning what I have to offer. You just don’t have your priorities straight. You don’t care much about people and this is impacting your entire company. If your behavior with others is at all similar to how you treat me, you sure aren’t much of a leader.

David: I understand. I certainly don’t want to be in a position of putting more pressure on you. How about I leave it in your court and you contact me if/when the time is right for us to explore this together?

When I’m feeling insecure, I’m intimidated by insensitive, abrupt, dominating people. I’ll just give him what he wants so we can end this conversation. But I’m worried about what he might say about me to Steve.

John: (interrupting as the phone rings) You’ll have to excuse me. This all sounds good. I need to take this call…

What sounds good? We have barely had a conversation. I felt discounted and dismissed. This is a very insensitive guy who is out of touch with the people in his organization. I wouldn’t want to take on this work even if it were offered to me. I’m glad you got a phone call so we can end this.

Reading the right-hand column, clearly, John and I didn’t have a conversation, but

instead overlapping monologues. Neither of us felt understood. We did not have a

connection. I certainly didn’t earn any credibility, and there was no movement toward

any kind of agreement.


Y O U R P R I V A T E L A N D F I L L S I T E

Whenever I do this exercise, I usually discover that the right-hand column is full of stuff

that’s not so pretty. There are harsh opinions, judgments, and sweeping generalizations.

There are intense emotions such as fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity, and self-doubt. There

can also be feelings of gratitude and affection in the right-hand column.

Herein lies a fundamental challenge when you have an intention to be more authentic

and connected. How do you deal with the right-hand column? Fred Kofman, in his

book, Conscious Business, compares exploring the right-hand column with discovering

toxic waste in your mouth. You can’t ignore it, but just what exactly do you do

with it? Either spit it out or swallow it. While it may appear authentic and a huge

relief to indiscriminately spit out your entire right-hand column onto an irritating

colleague, these “raw” emotions can easily end up contaminating the environment

and the relationships around you. Indiscriminate dumping can trigger aggression and

antagonism, hinder problem-solving, and destroy mutual respect.

On the other hand, “swallowing” these intense emotions is hardly a solution. Silence

and withdrawal may avoid an immediate confrontation but certainly doesn’t lend itself

to finding solutions. These penetrating hidden emotions manifest somewhere. There

is plenty of medical literature that links repression to migraines, hypertension, anxiety,

depression, and other illnesses. At some point, the waste has to come out. Just look

around our workplaces and watch the degree of gossip and backstabbing and you’ll

experience, first hand, the result of not dealing well with the right-hand column. Often,

misdirected backstage emotions take the form of anger directed toward the wrong

people at the wrong time. Since we can feel safe around our loved ones, we may find

ourselves swallowing resentments at work and spitting them out at home.


This brings us to a fundamental authenticity dilemma, what Fred Kofman describes as a

“quadrilemma,” a quandary with four dimensions:

1. You can’t avoid the appearance of backstage emotions. Like garbage, they are a part of life.

2. If you express these emotions indiscriminately, you create damage and hurt people.

3. If you don’t express them, it will also cause harm.

4. You can’t hide these thoughts and emotions for long. They will emerge somewhere

somehow.

So… how do we deal authentically with these backstage emotions? How do we get

honest about them in a constructive way, so they don’t poison us, or the people

around us?


C O M P O S T I N G – F R O M P O I S O N T O

P R E S C R I P T I O N

There’s an old fable about three men who come across a poisonous tree. The first

man worries about the tree’s risk to others. “Let’s destroy it before someone eats

its poisonous fruit,” he says.

The second man is wiser. He sees the first man’s point, but he wonders whether

it’s necessary to cut down the tree. “Let’s not cut it down,” he says, “but build a

fence around it so nobody is poisoned.”

The third man is wiser still. He says, “Oh, a poisonous tree. Perfect! Just what I

was looking for; I’ll gather it’s fruit and use it to prepare medicine.”

If you don’t want to turn the backstage emotions into poison and contaminate the

environment – both within and around you – what do you do? You refine it by

composting it, so it becomes life-giving rather than life-taking. Take the organic matter

off the backstage column and refine it down to the soil of a relationship rich in the

nutrients of trust, engagement, and productivity.

Below is a suggested process. But it isn’t just a process for processing and composting

hidden thoughts and emotions. It is a process for learning to connect authentically with

any relationship in your life.


1 ) S E E K S E L F - A W A R E N E S S

The first step in processing backstage emotions and connecting authentically with

people is to know yourself. The simple act of writing a right-hand column fosters

consciousness. But, as we learned in high school biology, sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Being aware means bringing these darker aspects of yourself into the light of your own

awareness. Self-awareness involves two fundamental components: self-acceptance and self-

responsibility. Self-acceptance means observation without condemnation. Self-acceptance

means stepping back and separating yourself from your thoughts and emotions and

observing them without judgment. This is not always easy. It’s not easy to bring these

darker aspects of yourself into the light of consciousness. And for those of you who

are conscientious, it’s not easy to not pass judgment. You may consider yourself a kind

and forgiving person but may be shocked when you see some hidden resentments in

the right-hand column. Perhaps you don’t want to accept the shadowy part of you that

hates your boss. Accepting the part of you that hates your boss does not mean you have

to indulge that part. You don’t have to act on the impulse or escape or recoil from the

emotion. You don’t have to – nor should you – go tell your boss everything in the right-

hand column. Instead, this merely means that you stop, look at the feeling, feel it, be

honest with yourself, and accept that this is where you are today. This kind of acceptance

is simple, straightforward, and powerful. It means you acknowledge that aspect of

yourself and befriend it; accept where it may have served you in the past and may still

be serving you today in some way. By acknowledging it and making friends with it, the

power it has over you is weakened.


On a personal note, by facing my own shadowy aspects of myself – predominately

through the darkness of depression, I find it impossible to be fully aware of the backstage

column if I don’t talk about it with another human being. Whether it be a coach,

therapist, guide, mentor, my wife, or a close friend, a confidant is vital to the journey

to awareness. Whether they point out blind spots, ask good questions, explore the

best options, add some perspective and wisdom from an outside view, or simply hold

the space for some needed support, trusted confidants are vital to the work of living

authentically and fostering authentic connections.

2 ) T A K E R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y

More than any time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to

despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we

will have the wisdom to choose correctly.

~ Woody Allen

Taking responsibility means that even though you may not choose what shows up in

your right-hand column, you always have a choice as to how to respond to it, and that

you will take the time to consider your options carefully and choose wisely. It means that

you approach relationships with a decision that all blame is a waste of time, including

blaming yourself. Every problem is an opportunity to take this moment as a learning

opportunity and thus transform it into a greater benefit.

Choosing authenticity means that you respond in a way that is aligned with the

fundamental principles that guide your life. With clear principles, your actions will

reflect civility, decency, respect, and integrity. You won’t hurt yourself or others, and

you won’t compromise yourself to please others. Taking responsibility means taking

an honest look at your backstage column and asking yourself some pointed questions:


“How am I contributing to this ineffective relationship? What mistakes have I made? How have I

contributed to the problem? What’s my side of the street that requires some cleanup?”

In summary, self-awareness and self-responsibility mean that you are no longer at the

mercy of your automatic defensive patterns. Your emotions, impulses, and desire for

comfort no longer control your life. You can see yourself humbly and honestly and

respond responsibly, committed to moving beyond what is self-serving to what serves

the greater whole.


3 ) I N V E S T I N T H E T R U S T A C C O U N T

The late Dr. Stephen R. Covey, in his book, The Seven Habit of Highly Effective People,

introduced a metaphor for fostering connection and trust that he called an emotional

bank account. Like a financial bank account into which you make deposits and take out

withdrawals, the level of trust in a relationship is based on the emotional deposits and

withdrawals made in that relationship. I have found this metaphor to be a powerful and

simple way of assessing and communicating the quality of a connection.

The concept is powerful because it transcends time, space, and hierarchy. That is, it

doesn’t matter whether you are the custodian, middle or senior management, a parent,

marriage partner, friend, or the CEO. A kind word of encouragement from anyone in

the office to another person of any level is a deposit. When you sincerely acknowledge

your appreciation, you have made a deposit. You make a deposit when you take the time

to understand the people in your life, see what they uniquely need, and make efforts to

meet that need. The key is to pay attention, regularly assess where the balance is, and

care enough to be committed to continuously make deposits.

You make a deposit when you take the time to understand the people in your life,

see what they uniquely need, and make efforts to meet that need.


Covey identifies ten key ways to make deposits and withdrawals that have a profound

impact on the level of trust and connection in any relationship:

1. Seek to understand the other before attempting to be understood.

2. Keep promises vs. breaking promises.

3. Attend to the little things, including being kind, courteous, and encouraging vs.

taking people for granted, being unkind, and being discourteous.

4. Be honest, open, and transparent vs. being dishonest, closed, and manipulative.

5. Clarify expectations vs. violating expectations.

6. Be committed to win-win propositions vs. win-lose or lose-win thinking.

7. Be loyal to people in their absence vs. gossiping and displaying duplicity.

8. Apologize sincerely when you have knowingly or unknowingly made a

withdrawal vs. having pride, conceit, and arrogance.

9. Be open to receiving feedback and sincerely want to learn from another vs.

being closed and unconscious.

10. Let go of the past vs. holding grudges.

It’s important to recognize that the reason the identified deposits build trust and

connection is that they embody some fundamental principles in human relationships:

initiative, humility, and sacrifice.


Every relationship, like a bank account, has a natural ebb and flow to it. Responsible

relationship management, like responsible financial management, requires frequent

attention to the balance. Staying connected and authentic means taking the initiative,

having the humility, and making the sacrifice to examine carefully what necessitates a

deposit and what indicates a withdrawal. What constitutes a deposit for one may be a

withdrawal for another. Being trusted by one may be viewed as being neglected

by another.

The trust account metaphor may be valuable to assess, in a practical and useful way,

the current balance in a relationship and encourage some actions required to sustain

trust. But, like any metaphor, if you push it too far, it has limitations. To keep the

understanding of the relationship organic and dynamic as it is, another metaphor I like

to integrate and lay over the bank account is that of a gardener. Fostering trust and

connection is also akin to being a gardener. Trust and connection ultimately cannot be

legislated, controlled, motivated, or coerced. No plants ever grow better because you

demand that they do so or because you threaten them. Plants grow only when they have

the right conditions and are given proper care. Creating the space and providing the

proper nourishment for plants – and people – is a matter of continual investigation

and vigilance.


E L I C I T I N G T H E T R U T H F R O M

O T H E R S

Authentic connection is about telling the truth – without blame and without dumping

the backstage thoughts onto another person. Once you’ve done all you can to know your

own truth through self-awareness and have invested in the trust accounts of those you

are in relationship with, the next stage is to begin eliciting the truth from others in a

caring, supportive, and honest way. We spend so much time focusing on how to express

ourselves that it is easy to overlook what is perhaps the most crucial part of any dialogue:

listening to others. Just as self-awareness is an inquiry into ourselves, supporting people

to open up with you is an inquiry into their lives. Inquiry is a way to learn about other’s

reasoning. It can help them express not only what they are thinking and feeling, but also

why they are thinking it. Productive inquiry creates a climate of collaboration

and openness.

Fred Kofman reminds us that the core of productive inquiry is not a technique, but an

attitude. It requires a profound openness and receptivity, a commitment to listen with

full attention and presence. It’s a decision to seek to fully understand, even if you don’t

agree, before trying to be understood. It’s a promise to seek to understand their world

with appreciation and respect. The ability to pay attention is inversely proportional to

the need to be right. The more concerned you are about proving you are correct, the less

energy and patience you will have to listen to what the other person has to say. The less

the other person feels valued, received, and acknowledged, the less they will be willing to

be open. It’s ultimately about caring.

A few guideposts to consider:


A ) C R E A T E A S A F E A N D C A R I N G S P A C E

Regardless of whether you are a spouse, an employee, a child, a colleague, or a friend,

in order to open up, trust, and connect, you must feel safe. While each individual

is responsible for the level of safety they experience in a relationship, if you are in

a relationship where trust and openness are necessary, then it becomes imperative

to attend to the other’s experience with safety. You create safety in a variety of ways

that will be intertwined in all the following strategies. However, it starts with seeing,

hearing, and experiencing the other as they are, not as they should be, could be, or

ought to be. People need to know they are not judged. This doesn’t mean living without

expectations. What it does mean is relating in a way that feels safe, supportive, and

caring. A key relationship principle is to connect before you expect.


B ) B E P R E S E N T

Being fully present involves your body, not just your mind. Hold a relaxed posture.

Maintain eye contact. Put your devices down and turn off your notifications. Above

all, be honest if time pressures prohibit you from being able to be present. It’s better to

negotiate a time that works for you both than to pretend to care.

THE TALKING STICK

For centuries, Native Americans have used the talking stick at their council gatherings to

designate who speaks. As long as the speaker holds the stick, no one may interrupt until

the speaker feels heard and understood. The symbolism of the talking stick is described

in this statement by Dr. Carol Locust, a Cherokee elder:

Whoever holds the talking stick has within his hands the sacred power of words.

Only he can speak while he holds the stick; the other council members must

remain silent. The eagle feather tied to the talking stick gives him the courage

and wisdom to speak truthfully and wisely. The rabbit fur on the end of the

stick reminds him that his words must come from his heart and that they must

be soft and warm. The blue stone will remind him that the Great Spirit hears

the message of his heart as well as the words he speaks. The shell, iridescent and

ever-changing, reminds him that all creation changes – the days, the seasons, the

years – and people and situations change, too. The four colors of beads – yellow

for the sunrise (east), red for the sunset (west), white for the snow (north) and

green for the earth (south) – are symbolic of the powers of the universe he has in

his hands at the moment to speak what is in his heart. Attached to the stick are

strands of hair from the great buffalo. He who speaks may do so with the power

and strength of this great animal.


The talking stick is not about winning arguments or even agreement. Instead, it’s

about hearing the story and understanding the heart of the person. It requires courage,

wisdom, and the tempering of truth with compassion. Dr. Locust describes it this way:

“The circle is to allow each person to speak their truth in a place of confidence and

safety… No one is more prominent than any other person, all are equal, and there is no

beginning and no end so that all words spoken are accepted and respected on an

equal basis.”

Whether we use a talking stick literally or figuratively in our relationships, we would do

well to reflect on this idea of holding sacred space for another person to have the time to

speak their truth from their heart. In a day of media overload, tweets of 140 characters,

and continual interruptions with notifications, creating space for the heart is a rare and

precious gift to give to another.

C ) B E C U R I O U S

In a question and answer period at a conference many years ago, the esteemed

psychiatrist and author Scott Peck was asked what he felt the purpose of marriage was.

His reply, “Friction.” He reminded us, in a humorous way, that relationships are here

to help us learn, grow, and evolve. If we can remember that every person we are in

relationship with presents an opportunity to learn, we can approach interactions in a

completely different and open way. What if we approach relationships as assignments

that create an opportunity for growth? What if we could see that those we are in conflict

with are actually our most important teachers? What can that “horrible” boss teach you?

Why is that “challenging” colleague in your life at this time? This doesn’t mean that

relationships are not, at times, meant to have an exit. Just be sure you get the lesson

before you exit – or you’ll meet the same challenge in a future relationship. If life is a

teacher, our relationships are the assignments. If you take them lightly, you’ll do so at

your own peril. Think about it. If we were all the same, not only would we stop learning,

we would not need each other. A healthy ecosystem is a diverse ecosystem. I hope, next


time I meet someone whom I disagree with or who disagrees with me, I can say, “You

see things differently than I do. I want to learn from you. I need to listen to you.”

D ) B E Q U I E T

Being quiet means resisting the natural human tendency to hurry people along, “finish”

their sentences, or move in to “fix” the problem before they have the experience of

being “heard.” So many of us – particularly men – are prone to place our identity in

“fixing.” Remember, fixing is for problems, not for people. There’s a fundamental human

relationship principle at play here: Listen first, fix second. And only fix if you are

invited to. Most of the time, you don’t have to fix anything, provide an answer, or offer

a solution. Free yourself from all that pressure. Just sit forward and be present. Even

if someone is presenting an idea that you feel you already understand or an idea that


you have already judged to be flawed, allowing free and safe expression is essential to

creating an open, trusting relationship.

E ) E M P A T H I Z E

Empathy is what happens when we find ourselves in the heart of another, experiencing

reality through their eyes, feeling their emotions, and sharing in their encounter. Brené

Brown provides the four qualities of empathy:

• Perspective taking or putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.

• Staying out of judgment and listening.

• Recognizing emotion in another person that you have maybe felt before.

• Communicating that you can recognize that emotion.

Empathy is different than sympathy, which is about getting into agreement with or

coming over to the other person’s side in a conflict. Empathy has nothing to do with

agreement, and everything to do with “feeling with” another person. It is a decision, not

a technique. In order to connect with you, I have to connect to something within myself

that knows the feeling that you are expressing. Empathy means listening carefully to

the story and paying close attention to the emotions. Affirm the feelings: “You must feel

(angry, hurt, worn out, anxious, disappointed, confused, betrayed, uncertain, suspicious,

skeptical, worried, frustrated) about this…

F ) S U M M A R I Z E

To ensure that the person you are relating to feels fully understood, summarize what you

have heard in a way that reframes the situation and encourages personal responsibility.

I call good summaries “reframe summaries,” since they reframe the statement in a way

that fosters personal responsibility, a new view of the situation, and shows that you


have genuinely been paying attention and sincerely want to understand the other. It

also provides an opportunity for the person to present their views again if they aren’t

satisfied with the way you expressed them.

For example, when someone says, “This work you gave me is useless; it has to be

redone.” You can summarize by saying, “I understand that it doesn’t serve you; are you

saying you want the entire project redone?” And then inquire, “What is it that you don’t

like? What changes would make it more useful to you?”

Be sure you fully understand, and more importantly, that the other person feels

understood. If necessary, tell the story back to the storyteller. Restate what you thought

you heard. Talk about the feelings you perceived. Ask – and this is vital – if they feel that

you have thoroughly understood where they’re coming from before you ask permission

to respond. If not, try again until they are satisfied.

G ) A C K N O W L E D G E A N D V A L I D A T E

Let people know that their feelings are valid and that they matter to you. It’s not about

agreement; it’s about understanding. It’s critical, in authentic communication, to

communicate to the other person that you want to understand what they are feeling and

saying and that they are worthy of your attention. For example, you can say, “Thank

you for your honesty and for your courage to say something to me. I see that my email

was upsetting to you, and I want to apologize for that. It was certainly not my intent

to be critical or patronizing, but now that you have explained it to me, I can begin to

understand how I could be perceived as coming across this way. I realize that this kind of

message should never have come in an email.”

H ) D O N ’ T P R O S E C U T E

When inquiring to understand and to learn, don’t use that understanding as a weapon

for proving your case. Self-righteousness and connectivity don’t go together well.


Ask open-ended questions that foster expression. If you invest in a relationship and

invite honesty, you are bound to feel defensive at times. When a customer says they

aren’t happy with your service or a direct report has the courage to tell you that you

have been distracted and detached, you still don’t know the facts that lead up to these

conclusions. Much of this kind of feedback may have far more to do with the sender

than the receiver. Your job is to elicit the facts and find the nuggets of truth for yourself.

After listening carefully, you don’t have to respond until you have sorted it through and

received all the information. You could ask, “What evidence suggests that customers are

dissatisfied with our service? I genuinely want to understand this.”

I ) S H O W G R A T I T U D E

It’s a great compliment to be invited into the mind and the heart of another human

being. And it’s obviously a great benefit to have grasped a side of truth you didn’t


understand before. Acknowledging your appreciation for having the courage to be

vulnerable and honest and authentic is not to be taken lightly. Gratitude, like listening,

also creates some space between the stimulus of an event that may have triggered a

strong emotional reaction, and the response that is not only honest but also respectful

and intended to serve the greater good.

J ) A S K F O R P E R M I S S I O N T O R E S P O N D

Once again, resist the natural human tendency to get in a counter-argument before

you fully understand the perspective of the other person and before they feel fully

understood. Don’t begin counter-arguing without the other’s consent. You will

undoubtedly be anxious to respond to the other, but authentic communication at times

requires restraint. Make sure they have finished expressing their position, that you have

summarized your understanding to the point where they feel fully understood, and that


they feel you have empathized with them before asking for permission to respond. Once

these criteria are met you can say something like, “I’d like to show you some information

that you have not taken into account. Are you ready to move to a dialogue? Or are there

more things you’d like to present first?” In order to make full impact of your truth, you

want to assess fully that they are in the right frame of mind to listen to what you have

to say.

A lack of willingness to listen to your response can mean one of two things. First, the

timing is off. They may, for whatever reason, not be in a place where they can give you

their full attention. Maybe they are feeling raw from disclosure. Perhaps they are tired

or have a commitment they need to keep. Regardless of the reason, negotiate for a time

to speak your truth. Just because you have something to say, respect means creating the

space to talk when the other is in the right space.

A second reason for a lack of willingness is they simply have no interest. If you are

certain this isn’t related merely to timing, then a lack of interest can mean a lack of

good will. If the other is not committed to this relationship, it does no good to “force”

your will on them. This would be labeled as violent, and there’s no place for control or

manipulation in an authentic relationship. At this point, you make choices to minimize

interdependence and connection.

S P E A K I N G Y O U R T R U T H

Once you have heard another to the point that they truly feel understood and you have

asked for permission to respond, authentically speaking your truth means presenting

your viewpoint in a way that leads to connection and respect for you both and moves

you toward your goals. It’s not about convincing anyone that you are right; instead, it’s

about helping others understand why you think the way you do and what you need from

the other person to help you to realize what is important to you both.


Here are some guidelines to authentically speaking your truth in a way that minimizes

defensiveness, enhances respect, and helps everyone win:

G E T C L E A R

Before you can speak your truth, you have to know your truth. To get there, you

generally have to dig deeply. It takes time to reflect and talk it through with trusted

confidants to extract the truth from the chaff. If you are still blaming, criticizing, or in a

highly emotional state, you haven’t mined the truth yet. Keep digging. Keep exploring.

One of the indicators of truth is inner well-being. You will “know” that something is

right and needs to be spoken. You may have some anxiety about how you are going to

say it, but there will be no confusion about what needs to be said. Take your time on

this one. It’s better to wait for clarity than to move forward impulsively. While there

will often be emotions intertwined amid the truth, if emotions are driving the process,

defensiveness will surface, and synergy, collaboration, and respect will begin dissolving.


C O M M I T T O S Y N E R G Y

Describe the problem in a way that feels true for both sides, that honors both your own

truth as well as what you have understood to be important to the other. Affirm that you

may see things differently and that you are committed to finding a solution together that

is better than either could come up with separately. Affirm that you are not willing to

give up what is important to you both.

P R O V I D E F A C T S

Concrete examples and illustrations are the common ground on which to build an

authentic relationship. Providing precise observations will get you further than vague

interpretations. Consider the difference between saying “our customer service here

sucks,” and saying, “In our recent survey of customers only sixty-three percent of

respondent said they were satisfied with our service.”

O W N Y O U R O P I N I O N S A N D E M O T I O N S

While emotions are real to you, your opinions that contribute to the emotions are

not objective truth. They come from interpretation and partial information. Always

bring humility – a commitment to learn and expand your perception – into every

conversation. It’s a lot easier for a customer service manager to listen if you say, “I


am troubled by the complaints I have received from customers and need your help

to understand and improve the situation,” than if you say, “This is unacceptable.” A

statement that starts with “I” tends to be easier to receive than a statement that starts

with “you.” Of course, be honest about what you are thinking and feeling in a way that

is not contaminated with criticism, blame, and anger, but that is cushioned in self-

responsibility and honesty.

R E C O M M E N D A C T I O N S

Productive, authentic conversations thrive on specifics as opposed to generalities.

Complaints are essentially useless unless they are accompanied by a vision for change

and a suggested plan to move you there. And you’ll get much further if your suggested

solutions serve the greater whole beyond self-interest. My daughter, Chandra, worked

as a supervisor in a restaurant while completing university. When the general manager

asked for input to make the employee and customer experience better, Chandra was

quick to point out the difference between self-serving recommendations (e.g., “I don’t

like the restaurant policy that we ‘have to tie our hair back’”) vs. suggestions that led

to an overall better customer experience (e.g., “I think the reservations system needs

overhauling and these are my suggestions …”). While recommended actions sometimes

have to be self-serving, there is always a chance that they are better received if they are

framed in a way that serves the greater good.


E N S U R E C O M P R E H E N S I O N

Authentic communication is ultimately about understanding each other. Always

give the other person an opportunity to ask clarifying questions and respond with

reactions. Take time to ask, “Does this make sense?” or “Can I clarify anything further?”

Invite responses with questions such as, “What do you think about this?” “Do you

have different information?” “Do you see any gaps in my reasoning?” “Did you reach a

different conclusion?” “Have I addressed your concerns?” “Can you think of other ways of

looking at the problem?”

A C C E P T C H A L L E N G E S

With the invitation to open, honest dialogue comes challenges. Remember that

alternative views do not weaken your argument. Instead, they foster shared learning.

Avoid the natural inclination to get defensive before you understand the other’s

perspectives.

A very small percentage of an actor’s time is actually in front of the audience. What

the audience never sees are the years of preparation, dedicated hours of arduous work,

and discipline that goes into the production and the performance. Likewise, while

our lives are not a Disney performance, what we present to the world in our actions,

competencies, and achievements is a small part of all the backstage efforts that went into

getting us to where we are. It is important not to judge ourselves or others

by appearances.

For those who are committed to working backstage to improve

your life and your leadership, a variety of resources are

available, including additional complimentary whitepapers,

assessments, books, coaching, presentations,

podcasts, and retreats.

For support on your journey, contact us directly at:

[email protected]

or check out our website: www.davidirvine.com

© 2019 by David Irvine. Permission to reprint and circulate is granted.

connectivity - david irvine · 2019-08-12 · this brings us to a fundamental authenticity dilemma,...

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