ConsciousRecovery

Conscious Recovery

A Fresh Perspective on Addiction

TJ Woodward (With reflective exercises and journaling processes co-authored by Dr. Adriana Popescu)

Dedication

With profound respect and gratitude, I dedicate this book to my friend, mentor, and soul mate, Mary Helen Brownell. Through her selflessness, she helped me and hundreds of other people break the cycle of their addictive behavior. She

literally helped change the world, one soul at a time. Her legacy lives on through my writings and my work.

Weuseallkindsofwaystoescape-alladdictionsstemfromthismomentwhenwemeetouredgeandwejustcan'tstandit.Wefeelwehavetosoftenit,paditwithsomething,andwebecomeaddictedtowhateveritisthatseemsto

easethepain.

―PemaChödrön,WhenThingsFallApart

Table of Contents

Preface: My Story Introduction: The Addicted Self What is Conscious Recovery?

The Room of Spirit

The Outer-Focused Life

The Roots of Addiction

Cultural Influences

Holistic and Integrative Recovery

Getting the Most Out of Conscious Recovery

Accessing Recovery Tools

Closing Meditation

Part 1: The Roots of Addiction

Chapter One: Unresolved Trauma What is Unresolved Trauma?

Physical Trauma

Mental Trauma

Emotional Trauma

Spiritual Trauma

Vicarious Trauma

The Consequences of Unresolved Trauma

Trauma and the Unconscious

Victim Consciousness

Healing from Trauma

Chapter Two: Spiritual Disconnection What is Spiritual Disconnection? Attachment Theory

Core False Beliefs

Brilliant Strategies

Addiction is a Brilliant Strategy

Other Brilliant Strategies

The Inward Journey

Shifting Consciousness

A New Way of Being

Chapter Three: Toxic Shame What is Toxic Shame?

Guilt vs. Shame

Working with Shame

Sources of Toxic Shame

The Impact of Toxic Shame

The Importance of Language

Pain and Suffering

Activating Empathy Bringing Shame into the Light

Part 2: Breaking the Cycle of Addiction

Chapter Four: Creating Safety Creating External Safety

Maintaining an Open Heart

Creating Internal Safety

Developing Self-Love

Overcoming Self-Criticism

Embracing Self-Acceptance

Rebuilding Trust

Engaging in Safe Community

Expanding Your Comfort Zone

Chapter Five: Unlearning Living Beyond Your Stories

Evidence or Conclusion?

Relative Reality or Ultimate Reality?

Moving Beyond Limitation

Self-Parenting

Recognizing the Shadow

Stuck in the Shadow

Integrating the Shadow

Raising Your Conscious Awareness

Activating Intentionality

Becoming the Observer

The Joy of Beingness

Chapter Six: Practicing Spiritual Principles What is Nonresistance?

Practicing Nonresistance

What is Non-Judgment?

Practicing Non-Judgment

Developing Your Own Understanding of God

What is Mindfulness?

Practicing Mindfulness

Practicing Witness Consciousness

The Benefits of Presence

Living in the Question

Practicing the Questioning Process

Accepting Impermanence

Releasing Control

Part 3: A Return to Wholeness

Chapter Seven: Owning Your Power The Power of Perception

Shifting Perception

The Power of Forgiveness

Deepening Forgiveness

Forgiveness and Accountability

The Power of Compassion

Feeling Your Feelings

The Power of Authenticity

Embracing Authentic Wholeness

The Power of Gratitude

Being Gratitude

Chapter Eight: The Great Remembering Letting Go

Making U-Turns

U-Turns in Consciousness

Embracing Love

Nurturing Our Divine Nature

Inner and Outer Connection

Cultivating Supportive Community

Perceiving Reality

Spiritual Bypassing

Divine Integration

Chapter Nine: Awakened Living Finding Purpose

Ego and Purpose

Maintaining Focus

Conscious Action

Choosing Happiness

Choosing Peace

Discovering True Freedom

Embodying the New Paradigm

Awakening into Service

Engaging an Enlightened Life

In Conclusion

Acknowledgments

A special thanks to the spiritual teachers and addiction treatment professionals who have, directly or indirectly, assisted me in the process

of writing this book.

I offer deep appreciation for the countless people doing great work in the field of psychology and addiction treatment, especially those who

have been personally influential in my work, including Dr. Krista Gilbert, Roland Williams, Dr. Brigitte Lank, and Melissa Stevenson.

Additionally, I want to honor the spiritual teachers and authors who have had a profound impact on my life and on this work, especially John

Bradshaw, Brené Brown, Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chödrön, and Byron Katie.

Finally, I am expressing deep gratitude for my friends and family, and heartfelt gratitude to my loving husband, Will Woodward, for his

unyielding love and support, and for helping me to open my heart to a new way of being.

Editorial Assistance

Reflective Exercises and Journaling Processes: Co-authored by Dr. Adriana Popescu

Developmental Editor: Dr. Adriana Popescu

Preface

MyStory

I’vefoundthateveryspiritualadvanceI’vemadewasprecededbysomesortoffall—infact,it’salmostauniversallawthatafallofsomekindprecedesamajorshift.Anaccident,afirethatdestroysallthestuffwe’veworkedsohardtoaccumulate,anillness,afailedrelationship,adeathorinjurythatcausesdeepsorrow,an

abandonment,aseriousaddiction,abusinessfailure,abankruptcy,orthelike.Theselowpointsactuallyprovidetheenergyneededtomakeashiftinthedirectionawayfromanego-drivenlifetoonefullofpurpose.

―Dr.WayneDyer,TheShift

“I’venevermetahappierchild.Youlaughedallthetime.”That’swhatmymotherremembersaboutme.WhatIrememberislyingonthegroundinthebackyard,looking,forwhatfeltlikeaneternity,atabutterfly,inaweatitsmagic.Howisallthislifepossible?Whatbeautifulwings.Howmuchdetailmustbehereforittofly?Howdidthiscometobe?Lookatthistinylittlebodyofthisant.Wow,ittakesallthoseantstobuildthispilethattheycalltheirhome.Ifeltliketheluckiestpersonalive.Ialsowonderedwhattheuniversewaslikebeforelife.Beforeanimals,beforeinsects,beforeplantseven—what existedbefore them? I suppose Iwaswondering about consciousnessbeforemanifestation, thepureconsciousnessthatchildrenhaveaninnateknowledgeof.Iwasprobablyalsoaskingwhythegrownupsweren’tnoticing life like Iwas,whytheyseemedtobesobusyandsoangry.Butmostly Iwas filledwithcuriosity,presence,andawe.Lookingback,IbelieveIwasperfectlyconnectedwithtruthofwhoandwhatIwas.ThenIstartedtolosethattruth,tobeginbelievingthatIwasn’tenough,thatIwasbrokeninsomeway.Tobegin,Iamsharingmypersonalstory,whichtookmefromalifeofstruggleandaddictionintoajoy-filled,meaningfulexistence.Amovementfromlosstorecovery,fromdarknessintolight,fromasenseofbrokennesstoreconnectingwithmywholeness—fromanouter-directedlifetoaninner-focusedwayofbeingandseeing.Istartwithmystorynotbecauseit’sunique,orevenunusual,butbecauseitisnotunique.It’spossiblyalotlikeyourstory.So,I’mstartingwithmystoryinthehopethatyouwillfindinitthingsyoucanrelatetoandconnectwith.Andfromthatpointofconnection,we’llfollowthetrajectoryofourstoriesthroughtherestofthisbook,lookingataddictionanditsrootsandthenathowtountanglethoserootstorediscoverhowtoliveourbestlives.Infirstgrade,myclassmatesandIhadtochangeintoourtennisshoesbeforerecess.Ididn’tknowhowtotiemyshoes,andtheteachersaid,“Youneedtolearnhowtotieyourshoesbytomorrow.”Shesentmehomewithapairofshoesattachedtoapieceofwood.Iremember,likeitwasyesterday,feeling“stupid”and“lessthan”becauseIhadtocarrythisboardhome.So,Itriedtolearnathome.I’mleft-handed,anditwasdifficult,butbytheendofthatdayIthoughtIhaditdown.However,whenthetimecameforrecessthenextday,Icouldn’tdoit.Andeveryoneelsecould.Ifeltlikeeverybodyknewhowtolivelifebutme.ThiswasoneofthefirsttimesIrememberfeelingdifferentthaneveryoneelse,andsomehowlesscapable.Irememberanotherpoignantexperience.ThishappenedwhenIwassevenyearsold.Isatoneeveningwithmymotherandmysistersatthediningroomtable.AsIsatthere,Ibegantoshutdown.Idon’trememberwhat

wassaidorwhathappenedinthatmoment,butIdorememberdistinctlythesensationofbeingoverwhelmedwithfear,asenseofterriblewrongness,andthenaclosingdownandawallingup.Twodistinctthoughtscametome:“Thisisnotsafe”and“Ihavegiventoomuch.”Lookingback,Icansurmisethatthecircumstancesofmylifehad finallyoverwhelmedmynatural joyandresilience. Ibegan todevelopbeliefs that Iwasbrokenordamagedinsomewayandthattheworldwasnotsafe.Theselimitingbeliefswerequietlyerasingmydeeper,instinctualtruths.MaybeIwasalsostartingtonoticethatIwasn’tlikealotoftheotherboys—Iwasmorelikemanyofthegirls,andofcourseIdidn’tknowwhattodowiththat.So,myexperienceat thedinner table thateveningwasthe feeling I’dhadabout theshoelaces,magnifiedahundredfold:everyoneknowshowto“dolife”butme.Inthatmoment,Imadeadecision—toclosedown,puta barrier aroundmy heart, to disconnect in someway. Of course, this was not a conscious choice, but ithappenednonetheless.Atthatmoment,Ienteredaworldoftoxicshame,inwhichIbelievedmyselftobeflawedandbroken.Intheprocess,Ilostmycuriosityandmyjoy—Ilostsightofmygenuineself.Wecomeintothisworldasbeingswhoknowandliveinacceptance,openness,connection,presence.Wearethosejoyfullittlechildrenwhoknowintheirheartsthattheyarewholeandperfectandthatlifeiswonder-fullandwonder-filled.Butlifehasawayofteachingustheopposite;traumaticexperiencesteachusthatwearebroken,andthispushesusfurtherfromouronenesswithSource.Thinkaboutwhatlittlechildrenaretaughtabouttheworld,especiallychildrenwhoexperiencecrueltyorwholiveinathreateningenvironment.Theyaretaughttobemistrustful,todevaluethemselves.Theyaretaughtthat“mightmakesright”,thatstrengthliesinconquering, inoverpoweringpeopleandsituations.Theylearnthat life isastruggle, it’ssomethingtoberesisted,andatbestit’sachallenge—aproblemtobefiguredoutandsolved.Theyaretaughtthatthereisnotenough,andthatpeopleneedtofightandcompetetogetwhattheythinktheyneed.Irecentlywitnessedaneventthatbringsthispointtolight.Isawayoungboy,probably3or4yearsoldholdingthehandofhisfatherwhilewatchingaparade.Theboystartedclappingandjumpingupanddownwithjoyasafloatapproached.Thefatherlookeddownathimandsaid,verysternly:“Don’tcheerforthisfloat,theyarenotourteam.Ourteam’sfloatwillcomelater.” Itwassoshockingtome,andyetall toofamiliar.Weoften,unconsciously,teachourchildrentojudge,andtoseparatefromtheirinherentjoy.Ifweabsorbtheseconceptsandlivebythemasiftheyaretruewecangetstuckinaverypainfulcycle.What’sworse,manyofusaretaughtthatnotonlyhavewedonewrongbutthatwearewrong.Wearetaughtthatweare notworthy, and are undeserving.Whenwe believe that there is something essentiallywrongwith us,somethingthatwillneverbefixedbecauseit’sapartofwhoweare—that’sanincrediblyheavyandpainfulburdentocarry.Ifwehold“Iamwrong”asourcentralself-definition,howcanwethrive?Howcanwenurturehealthyrelationships?Howcanweexperiencethejoythatisourbirthright?Thetendencyistonumbtheveryrealpainthatcomesfromthisself-identity.And,usingdrugs,alcoholorotheraddictivebehaviorsisaneffectivewaytodothis,atleastinitially.Anothertendencyistosearchforexternalvalidation,tostrivetoshowtheworldadifferentfacethantheonewebelievewehave.“IfonlyIcanactgoodenoughorbesuccessfulenough,thenmaybepeoplewon’tnoticehowawfulIreallyam.”Wetrytohidethecentral“truth”aboutourbrokenness;welivealie.Andthattoo,isaterribleburdentolivewith.It’snowonderwefindourselvestrappedinaddictivebehaviors.Addictionhasbeencalled“thegreatache”thatwearetryingtosootheandfixfromtheoutsidein.IdiscovereddrugsandalcoholwhenIwasfourteen.And,atthetime,itfeltlikeagreatandawesomediscovery!WhenItookthatdrink,Irelaxedforthefirsttimeinsevenyears.Ioftenhearpeoplesaythatwhentheystarteddrinkingorusingdrugstheyfeltbetter-looking,smarter,ormoreontopofthings.Idon'tknowifIfeltanyof

that,butIdorememberfeelingimmenserelief—anumbness—likeallthethingsthatmademefeel“wrong”justdidn’tmatteranymore.IfeltrelieffromthedisconnectionthatIwasexperiencing,andsomerelieffromthatexcruciatingpainthatwasatthecoreofmylife’sperspective.Drugsandalcoholweremorethanareliefforme;theysavedmylife,andIsupposeiftheyhadcontinuedtoworkformeImighthavenevergottensober.Intruth,ifdrugsandalcoholcontinuedtoworkthewaytheydidinthebeginning,Iwouldpossiblystillbeusingthem.Wealllookforwaystocopewithdifficultcircumstances,andformanypeople,drugsandalcoholareonesuchcopingmechanism.Ithinkithelpstolookatthesecopingmechanismsnotsomuchasbadorwrongchoicesbutasbrilliantstrategies.Eventhoughdrinkingandusingdrugsdidn'tgivemethelastinghealingIwaslongingfor,theywereactuallyabrilliantstrategy,becausetheyliterallysavedmy life.Without themI think Icouldhavesnapped insomeway; thecore falsebeliefs Ihadpickedup,suchas“I’mworthless”and“Theworldisadangerousplace”—weretoooverwhelmingotherwise.Ibelieve,inretrospect,thatthisperiodinmylifewasalow-levelsearchforGod.Inotherwords,Iwasseekingtofilltheinneremptinessbygrabbingsomethingoutsideofmyselftogainrelief.ItwasasthoughIhadmyumbilicalcordinmyhandandwastryingtofindaplaceto“plugin.”Ifelttherewassomethingwrongwithme,andIwaslookingoutsidemyselfforafix,acure,asourceofrelieffromthesenseofspiritualbankruptcythatIwasexperiencing.Yousee,Ihavecometounderstandthatdrugsandalcoholwerenevertheproblem.Theywereasolutiontosomethingthatfeltbrokenwithin.Drinkingandusingdrugsworkedformeforawhile,andIdrankfromtheageof14untilIwas20.Butwhatstarted out as a brilliant strategy eventually stopped working. What once helped me to feel a sense ofconnectioneventuallyledtomefeelingmoreandmoredisconnected.Andso,inJuneof1986,whenIwasjustfifty-two days away from my twenty-first birthday, I got clean and sober. That was the beginning of anincrediblespiritualjourney.I'vebeenblessedwithcontinuoussobrietyeversince,andnowhaveoverthirtyyearscleanandsober.I’meternallygratefulforthatbecauseithasbeenthefoundationofanewlifeandanewwayofbeing.WhenIfirstgotsober,Iwasincrediblyrigid,incrediblyafraidandshutdown.IwastryingeverythingIcouldtocontroltheexternalsofmylifebecauseIfeltsooutofcontrolinternally.Withoutthedrugsandalcoholtohelpmecopewiththeexperienceofemptinessanddisconnection,Ibegan,oncemore,toexperienceallthefearandalienation,allthejudgmentthathaddrivenmetodrinkinthefirstplace.EversinceIwasayoungchildIhadcreatedalifebasedonasetoffalsebeliefsandperspectives.IbelievedthatIwasbroken,andIhadbeenattractingpeoplewhoseemedtobeconfirmingthatbelief.Inotherwords,Ihadcreatedmyexternallifebasedoninternal,fundamentalliesaboutmyselfandtheworld.Fortunatelyforme,twothingshappenedtodirectmeonthepathtosustainedrecovery.SoonafterIgotsober,ImetaremarkablewomannamedMaryHelenBrownell.ShewasthemostenlightenedbeingIhadevermet.TherewasamagicalqualityaboutherthatIhadneverexperiencedbefore.Inhergentleandlovingway,MaryHelenintroducedmetoanewwayofbeing,whichwasn'taboutlookingoutsidemyselfforvalidation,butaboutembarkingonaninwardjourney,lookingfirstatwhatIneededtounlearnandrelease.Then, in1988, twoyears intomyrecovery, Iwalked intoaUnityChurch,and the trajectoryofmy lifewaschangedonceagain.Ibecameaspiritualseeker.Eventually,ItraveledtosouthernIndiatostayandstudyattheashramof“thehuggingguru”SriMataAmritanandamayiDevi,knownasAmma,orMother.IstudiedbothEasternandWesternphilosophyandreligionextensivelyduringthoseearlyyears.Idevelopedameditationpractice,andIcontinuedtousemetaphysicalspiritualprinciplestowakeuptoanewwayofliving.Ideepenedmyrecoveryandfeltmoreandmoregroundedinthetruthofmybeing.

Butmyjourneydidnotfollowastraightline.Aroundtheage30,Ireachedapointinmyspirituallifethatcalledfordeeperinnerclearing,butIhesitated.Ratherthansteppingforwardanddoingthework,Ipulledback.Imovedintoreverse.Ionceagainbecameouter-focused.EgoismsnuckintomyrecoveryandIbegantoforgetthe importance of my spiritual practice; I began to forget what was truly important to me, which wasmaintainingaconnectionwithSource(orloveorGod,orwhateverwordyouuse).Iwentbacktoouterseeking,butthistimeitwasn'twithdrugsoralcohol.Thistimemyaddictionwastosuccessandachievement.Ihadalwaysgrappledwithmoneyand longed toadvancemysocialstatus. Iknewpeoplewithmoneyandprivilege,andIwantedwhattheyhad.IbelievedifIjustgottheperfecthouse,theperfectcar,andtheperfectpartner,allwouldbeOK,andIwouldbeOK.Andnow,withtenyearsofsobrietyundermybelt,Iwasreadyto“manifest”what Ibelievedwasthe lifeofmydreams. Iopeneda furniturebusiness thatsoonbecameverysuccessful. Imoved intoa two-bedroomhome inSanFrancisco,withabigdeckon thehilloverlooking theCastro.Itwasdecoratedwithdesignerfurniture,originalartworkbywell-knownartists,andperfectlighting.Igotthenewcharcoal-coloredLexus;IwenttothebigGold’sgymintheCastroandworkedtoperfectmybody.ItwasasifI,onceagain,hadmyumbilicalcordinmyhandtryingtofindsomethingoutsideofmyselftoplugintoandfixsomethingthatfeltbrokenwithin.Interestinglyenough,ItookthemetaphysicalprinciplesIhadlongbeenstudyingandshiftedthemtofitmyoutward-lookingsearch.Imisinterpretedtheseprinciplesandtruths,andheardthemthroughmyegoisticlensratherthanexploringthedeepermeaning.WhenIheardpeoplesaying,“Thoughtsheldinmindproduceaftertheirkind,”IinterpretedthattomeanthatifIusedaffirmationsinthe“right”way,Iwouldamassmorematerialpossessions.IbelievedifIwas“spiritualenough”Icouldcreatethelifeofmydreams.Istartedtobelievethatthemetaphysicalprinciplesofmanifestationwereonlyaboutcreatingtheperfectlifeontheoutside.Butasafriendofminesays,“Usingaffirmationswithoutdoingthedeeperinnerworkislikeputtingicingonstale bread and calling it cake.” Sadly, but not surprisingly, I still held onto my own stories of essentialbrokenness.Istillfelt,deepdown,thatIcouldn’tmakeit,thatifpeopleknewmetheywouldjudgemeandleaveme.So,Ididn’tsharemyself,notauthenticallyatleast.Ididn’ttellanyone,notevenmyboyfriend,whatwasgoingoninside;withhim,aswitheveryonearoundme,everythingwas“fine.”Ifeltlikeafraud.Insteadofdoingthenecessarydeeperinnerwork,Islippedintoanoldpattern,nowcamouflagedtofitmynewidentityasaspiritualperson.Ididn’thavethetoolstodealwithmyexternalsuccess.ThemoresuccessfulIbecame,themoreIbelievedIneededtoacquire.Ifeltemptierandemptierandlostcontactwithmyessentialnature.Thetrajectoryofmylifetookmewayoffcourse,andIfoundmyselfisolatedandafraidonceagain.In2004,Ifirstheardthecallingtogointoministry.EverytimeIwasatUnity,Ifeltthisinnerknowinganddesiretobecomeaministerandspiritualteacher.Foragoodyear,Isaidnotothatcalling,becauseIhadcreatedalifethatseemedtobeincrediblysuccessfulintheouterrealm,andIdidn'tunderstandhowIcouldpossiblyshiftintoministryandletgoofwhatIthoughtwasthelifeofmydreams.Ididn’tunderstandthatmyinnervisionwouldleadtothetruelifeofmydreams.Finally,Ispokemydesiretogointoministryoutloud.Ibeganmyformalministerialandspiritualcounselingtrainingin2005.OnceIbeganthisprocess,myinnerlifebegantoopenupinbeautifulways.Myouterlifebegantocrumble.There's a wonderful concept in metaphysical teachings called “chemicalization,” which is when ourconsciousnessevolvestoapointbeyondourcurrentlevel,andourmaterialworldcrumblesasaresult.Whatcanhappenisalotofdifficulty,becausetheoldwaygets“burnedoff”inorderforustostepfullyintothisnewconsciousness.Thatwascertainlymyexperience.Inretrospect,IcanseethatthishappenedbecauseIhadbuilt

mylifeonaveryshakyfoundation,andsayingyestothishighervisionformyliferequiredtheoldparadigmtocollapse.AsIcontinuedtakingclassestowardordination,myworldcontinuedtofallapart.MybusinesscollapsedandthedebtIhadincurredcaughtupwithme.Iowedpeoplemoney;therumormillwasgoingnuts;friendswerewalkingaway.Itfeltlikeanightmare,anditwas,fromoneperspective.Ikeptgoingtoclasses,keptlisteningtothecalling,butIstillcouldnotletgoofmyouter-directedvision.Istartedanotherbusiness,thinking,“Thistimeitwillbedifferent.”Itwasnot.Samestory,sameoutcome.Ihadafallingoutwithmybusinesspartner,andthenIlostthesecondbusiness,evenmoredramaticallythanthefirst.“Whatweresistpersists.”Ihadbeenhearingthisforyears,Iknewitinmyhead.Sowhywasitsodifficultformetostopresistingthecalltoadeeperinnerlife?Wearetaughtfromaveryearlyageaspecificvisionofwhatstrengthlookslikeandwhatweaknessis,andwhatmanyofuslearnisprettymuchtheoppositeofthetruth.Thewillingnesstobevulnerable,togenuinelyletothersseeus,tobecapableoftrueintimacy—weareoftentaughtthattheseareweaknesses.Strength,welearn,ishavingalltheanswers,figuringthingsout,andusingforcetogetwhatwethinkweneed.Strengthishidingyourbrokennessinthe“stuff”ofexternalsuccess.Mycorefalsebeliefswereverydeeplyrootedinmyunconscious,soitmakessensethatmyspiritualgrowthandrecoverytooktime.Ineedednotonlytounlearnthefalsebeliefs,buttolearnthetruepowerandcourageofflowingwithlife,oflettinggo,ofbeingpresent.Andtolearnthis,Ineededtoexperienceit,andIneededtodeepenmyspiritualpractice.Atthatpoint,Iresistedit,eventhoughIknewitwasimportant.Iplayedhide-and-seekwiththetruth,withSource.OnesuchdeepeningexperiencehappenedsomeyearsagowhenItraveledtoIndia.Varanasi,innorthernIndia,issaidtobetheoldestcontinuouslyinhabitedcityintheworld.BuiltalongthewesternbanksoftheGangesRiver,itisapilgrimagesiteforthousandsuponthousands,whobelievethatifyoudieandarecrematedthere,yourkarmawillberemovedandyouwillachievenirvana,andbereleasedfromthisphysicalrealm.ThisiswhereIfoundmyselfin2006,onaspiritualquestwithaboutthirtyotherseekers.Intheoldestpartsofthecity,roadsaretoonarrowforcars,soweenteredthecitybybicyclerickshaw.I could feel the spiritual energy intensifying aswemoved along the twisting streets, poppingwith colors,crowdedwithpeople,cows,andvehiclesofeverysort.Achillwentupmyarms,andmyheartbegantoopen.Oncewereachedtheoldestpartofthecity,wewereescortedtotheriveronfootbytwinboys,abouttwelveyearsold.Theyhadshortdarkhairandnoshoes,andtheyworesimple,plaincoloreddhoti.Bothweredeaf.Theirgentleenergieswere incrediblystriking. Inthemidstofall thechaosof thecity, theyhadawordlesspresence—kindnessandloveshoneintheireyesastheygentlyhelpedusgettoourdestination.Bythetimewereachedtheriver,itwasgettingtobedusk.Weallgotinaboatandpushedoutontothewater.Lookingbackattheriverbank,wecouldseetheplaceswherepeoplebathe,performceremonies,andcrematethe dead.Wewere just in time for the Ganga Aarti, the festival of lights,which happens every evening atsundownonthemainGhat,theDashashwamedh.Light,singing,bells,incense,movement—allcametogethertopaytributetothemightyGangesandthespiritsofthedeparted.Allaroundus,lightsfloatedonthewater.Andallalongtheriver,thecremationfiresburned.AsIsettledin,aprofoundpeaceenteredmybodyand,inthatmoment,myegoseemedtobestrippedaway.Suddenly,Iknewtherewasnoseparation,nousandthem,noplacewhereIendedandsomeoneelsebegan.Therewasnogood,nobad,norightorwrong,andtherewasnojudgment.IknewIcouldatlastletgo.Ibegantosob.Itfeltlikeyearsoftraumaandsadnesswerebeingwashedaway.

Suddenly, theelectricalpowerwentoutandshroudedhalfof thecity indarkness(notuncommoninmanypartsofIndia).Theonlythingsthatlitupthenightskyweretheceremoniallightsandthefiresofcremation.OurguidesquietlysteeredtheboatuntilwewerejustafewfeetawayfromoneoftheGhats,andtherewesatforwhatseemedlikeaneternity,watchingthe funeralceremonies.Theflamesfilleduptheotherwisedarknightwithbeautiful,sparklinglight.Theexperienceofmysuddenawakeninglastedwiththesameintensityforseveralhours.Iawokethenextmorningtodiscovermylifehadpermanentlyshiftedintoanewwayofbeing.Sincethatexperience,myegohascontinuedtomakeitsappearanceinmylife,butthatmomentallowedmetohaveapermanentchangeinmyrelationshipwithmyego.Myegohasnotdied,IsimplychangedthewayIseeitandthewayitplaysaroleinmylife.Inotherwords,IwasrestoredtothetruthofwhoandwhatIam,whichisonewithSpirit.Fromthatmoment,mylifehasbeenfilledwithmorelove,moreconnection,morejoy,andmorehappinessthanIknewpossible.It’snotthatIalwayshaditeasyaftermyexperienceinIndia.Infact,afterIreturnedhomemylife,inmanyways, became more challenging, at least in the short term. The difference was that I was able make thecommitmenttodoingtheinnerwork,todedicatemyselftothespiritualpracticesthatthiseffortrequires.Overtime,Icouldseeandacceptthatmylife'sworkistojoyfullysharethisexperienceofmyawakening,tosharemyownjourneyofmovingthroughdarknessandintolightsothatotherscanexperiencetheirownlightandlove.AndonceIgotclearonwhatwasminetodo,theoutercircumstancesofmylifebegantofallintoplace.Idiscoveredthatspendingtimeinthesilence,stayingtruetomyinnercalling,andtakingconsciousactionsweretoolsthatallowedmydreamsandvisionstonaturallymanifestintheouterrealm.Here’showitlooked:Icontinuedtoanswermycallingtotheministry,servingastheMinisterialAssociateatUnitySanFranciscowhilecontinuingmystudies.Aroundthatsametime,Istartedworkingintheaddictiontreatmentfieldasaspiritualcounselor.Inmyaddictionwork,Icreatedandimplementedafull-scalespiritualcareprogramwithinaresidentialtreatmentprogram.Myexperiencefromthebeginningofthateffortwasthatpeoplewerehungryforaspiritualapproachtotheirrecoverythatguidedthemtobreakfreefromthecycleofaddictivebehaviorandreturntoaplaceofpeaceandhappiness.Thiswasveryexcitingforme,asitseemedtobejustwhatIwasmeanttodo.In2012,IfoundedtheAwakenedLivingSpiritualCenter.In2017,ourcommunitywasgiventhedistincthonorofbeingselectedbyMichaelBernardBeckwithandtheAgapeInternationalSpiritualCentertobecomeAgapeBayArea:ACenterforAwakenedLiving. AgapeBayAreaisatwenty-firstcenturymovementforpeoplewhoconsiderthemselvesspiritualexplorers,andhaveadeephungerforpersonalandglobaltransformation.MybookConsciousBeing:AwakeningtoYourTrueNaturewaspublishedinthespringof2015.ConsciousBeingisaninsightfulguideforrediscoveringyouressentialnatureandlivinganintentionalandawakenedlife.Today,Iamtrulylivingthelifeofmydreams.IamtheministerandspiritualdirectorofAwakenedLivinginOakland,andIamprivilegedtospeaktoaudiencesaroundtheworldaboutspiritualawakeningandaddictionrecovery.I am also blessed towork at several top-tier treatment programs, where I facilitate groups based onTheConscious Recovery MethodTM I created. The Conscious Recovery Method offers a way to disrupt addictivebehaviorthroughthepracticeofthemetaphysicalandmysticalprincipleswewillbeexploringinthisbook.Additionally,IamthehostofAwakenedLivingTVandAwakenedLivingRadio,whichIlaunchedin2013.AllofthishasmanifestedinmylifebecauseIhavetrustedmyinnerknowing.IhavededicatedmyselftospendingtimeinsilenceandtakingconsciousactionbasedontheinternalmessagesIhavereceivedthroughvision.WhatIhavediscoveredtobetrueisthatthisisnotonlypossibleforusall,itisourdivinebirthright. Internally,Ihavealsoexperiencedatremendoustransformation,whichtookmanyyearsandincludedsomeseeminglysuddenshifts—fromresistanceand fear toopennessandpresence.And, thegreatestparadox is,

onceIreleasedtheexpectationthatIneededmyouterlifetolookacertainwayinordertobeOK,myouterlifestartedtomanifestwithagreaterabundancethaneverbefore.OnceIsurrenderedmyegoicstructure(theoldbeliefsthatkeptmefeelingstuckandlimited)andbecameclearonmyinnerpurpose,myoutercircumstancesalignedwithmyinnerknowing.Lifeseemstoworkthatway.Myexperiencehasshownmethatwhenwedoourinnerworkofawakening,whenwelearntoflowwithlifeinsteadofresistingit,wecanenterintoalifefilledwithlove,gratitudeandjoy.Additionally,asmoreandmoreofusarewakinguptothisandcommittingtopracticingspiritualprinciples,ithasarippleeffectonthecollectiveaswell;onpolitics,onthehealthoftheplanet,oneverything.Wedohaveachoiceinhowweviewtheworld.Allthoseearlydecisionswemake,alltheideaswecarryaroundthatkeepussmallandkeepuslimited—wecantakeresponsibilityforthoseandletthemgo.Wecanexperienceoneness.Becauseloveistheultimatetruthofwhoweare,peaceisthedeepesttruthofwhoweare.Wecanrestoretheinnateknowingwehadaschildren,andtogetherwecanfacilitateacontinuationoftheawakeningthat is already underway on this planet. This iswhat Iwish for you. If you are in one of those periods ofdarkness,orifyouarestrugglingwithaddictioninanyform,youcanalsohavethisincrediblelifefilledwithjoyandconnection.Mysincerehopeisthatworkingthoughthisbookwillbehelpfultoyoualongtheway.

Introduction

TheAddictedSelf

Everyaddictionarisesfromanunconsciousrefusaltofaceandmovethroughyourownpain.Everyaddictionstartswithpainandendswithpain.Whateverthesubstanceyouareaddictedto–alcohol,food,legalorillegal

drugs,oraperson–youareusingsomethingorsomebodytocoverupyourpain.

―EckhartTolleWhatisConsciousRecovery?The purpose of Conscious Recovery is to offer a spiritual perspective that can assist you in addressing theunderlyingrootcausesofyouraddictivebehaviors.Itisintendedtoenhanceanyprogram,therapy,orothersupport system in which you are currently engaged. Its aim is not to provide definitive answers, but tointroducequestionsthatcanassistyouinaccessingyourowninnerwisdomandrediscoveryourtruenature.Youareyourownbest teacher,andyouholdthekeytoendingyourownsuffering.ConsciousRecoverycanassistyouindeepeningyourunderstandingofaddiction,provideyouaroadmaptowardliberation,andoffertoolstoassistyouinlivingyourmostdynamicandconnectedlife.

ConsciousRecoveryisnotwrittenlikeanovelandisnotintendedtobereadlikeone.Itisdesignedtobe"workedthrough"slowly.Myencouragementisthatyoutakeyourtimeinreadingthisbookandexploringtheexercisesat the end of each chapter. You may also notice certain concepts repeating throughout the book. This isintentional. This repetitionwill allow these concepts and practices to be understood and integrated fromdifferentlevelsofawarenessasyouprogressthroughthebookandshiftthetrajectoryofyourrecovery.Iimaginesomeofyouhavebeeninrecoveryforawhile,maybeevenalongtime,andyouhavelearnedagooddealaboutyourself,aboutyouraddiction,andaboutyourrelationships.Maybeyoustillvalueparticipatinginyoursupportgroups,butitseemsthatwhatyougetoutofthemhaschanged.Maybeyou’veachievedphysicalsobriety,butthereisalongingforsomethingdeeper.Maybeyoufeelstrongerandmoreresilientoverall,andnowyou’relookingforadifferentkindofgrowth.Ormaybeyou’vetriedtraditionalrecoverymethodsandtheydon’tseemtoworkforyou.Youwanttoshiftyouraddictivebehavior,butyoudon’tbelieveyouarepowerlessoverit;youdon’twanttocallyourselfanaddictandyoudon’tunderstandtheneedto.Ifyouresonatewithanyofthis,ConsciousRecoverymaybethebookforyou,asitoffersaspiritualperspectivethatcanassistyouinbreakingfreefromaddictivebehavior.Let’s start by looking athow thatperspective fits inwithwhat youmayhave alreadyexperienced in yourrecovery.Thenwe’lllookattherootcausesofaddictionthroughthespirituallens,andexplorethepromiseofafreshapproachtorecovery.Ifirmlybelievethatthisapproachwillhelpyoumovefromalifeofseparation,alifeoffear,alifeofaddiction,toalifeinwhichyoudeeplyrecognizeyouronenesswithSpirit.Andfinally,I’llexplainwhatConsciousRecoveryoffersyou;howthebookisorganizedandthespiritualpracticesitteachesforyourjourneytowardwholeness.Let’sstartwithoneofthosepractices:anaffirmation.

Iamaperfectexpressionoflove.Inowinviteyoutotakeamomentandgowithin.Whereveryouare,takethisopportunitytotapintothedeepwellspringofyourowninnerwisdom.TrytoconnectwithyourinneressenceandrecognizeyouronenesswithSource.Whereveryouare,I’dlikeyoutorepeat:Iamaperfectexpressionoflove.TheRoomofSpirit"Everyoneisahousewithfourrooms,aphysical,amental,anemotionalandaspiritual.Mostofustendtoliveinoneroommostofthetime,butunlesswegointoeveryroom,everyday,evenifonlytokeepitaired,wearenotacompleteperson."-IndianProverbInthephysicalroomisyourrelationshipwithyourbodyanditsinteractionwiththephysicalworld.Thementalroomhousesyourthoughtsandideas,theassumptionsandexpectationsthatshapeyourperspectiveoftheworld.Theemotionalroomistheseatoffeelings,andforsome,itcanbeaplacetoavoid,orrunfrom.Thespiritualroomiswhereyouconnectwithyourinnermostself,andwithSourcethatlieswithinallreality.Partofyourhealingjourneyiscomingtorecognizetheimportanceofallfourrooms,andspendingtimeineachofthemtostrengthenyourwholebeing.Ifyouhavebeeninrecoveryforanylengthoftime,youknowthataddictioncanbeconsideredfromanyoftheserooms.Allfour:thephysical,themental,theemotional,andthespiritual,arepresentinanyaddiction,andtheycanbeutilizedinyourrecovery.Mostcommonlycontemplated,perhaps,isthephysicalapproachtorecovery,withitsattentiontothephysicalsymptomsofaddictionandphysicalhealing(e.g.,thediseasemodel,studyingbrainchemistryandgenetics,consideringmedications,changingdietandexercisepatterns,andsoon).Peopleinrecoveryalsospendtimeinthementalandemotionalrooms,withhelpfromtherapists,sponsors,andsupportgroups.Livinginallfouroftheseroomscanbringusalongwayalongtheroadtorecovery.Butastheproverbtellsus:“Mostofustendtoliveinoneroommostofthetime.”Oftenneglectedinrecoveryworkisthespiritualroom,fromwhichwecanconsiderthespiritualquestionsinvolvedinrecovery:Whatistherootcauseofaddiction?Whatistheunderlyingconditionoffragmentationanddisconnectionthatleadspeopletoaddictionandaddictivebehaviors?HowcansittingintheroomofSpiritbringustoaplaceofdeeperhealingandpeace?Mytrainingandexperiencehasledmetolookataddictionthroughthespirituallens.I’mblessedtohavespentthepast decadeworkingwith the spiritual aspects of addiction and recovery. I have seen firsthandhowaspiritualperspectivecanbuildonandintegratewiththephysical,mental,andemotionalapproaches.Ihavewitnessedthehealingpowerofmetaphysicalandmysticalspiritualprinciplesandpractices,andexperiencedhowthisperspectivecanassistyouinenteringmoredeeplyintoyourrecovery,connectingyoumorefullywithSpiritandwithothers.OnethingI’venoticedinmyyearsofworkinginthefieldofaddictionrecoveryisthataddictiontreatmentoftenfocusesonsymptomsratherthanrootcauses.Wetendtoseeaddictionasaproblemandthenlookforawaytosolvethatproblem.Thereisnothinginherentlywrongwiththisapproach—wecertainlydoneedtoaddresssymptomsandbehaviors,andthereisapoint intherecoveryprocesswhereit’s importanttoacknowledgeyourpowerlessnessinordertochangeyourbehavior.Butthat’snotallthereistoit,andtothinkitissufficientdoesn’taddressaddictionfromallfourrooms.So,myintentionforthisbookistobroadenyourviewpointbyaddressingnotonlythesymptoms,butalsotherootcausesofaddiction.Thenwe’llexaminemoredeeplythespiritualprinciplesandpracticesthatwillenableyoutobreakfreefromtheaddictivecycle.

Ofcourse,thefourroomsarenotcutofffromoneanother;theyareallpartofthesamehouse,connectedbydoorwaysandhallways.Weareintegratedbeings,andaddressingthespiritualaspectsofaddictionwillbringusintotheotherrooms,especiallytheroomsofthoughtandemotion.Comingfromaspiritualperspectivewillenableustotaketheinsightsofthephysical,themental,andtheemotionalroomstoanewplace,aplaceofintegrationandwholeness.Thisbookisforyouifyourrecoveryisbringingupquestionsthatarenotfullyansweredinthephysicalroom,thementalroom,theemotionalroom.Thisbookisforyouifarelookingforaspiritualpath,ortodeepenthespiritualpathyouareon.Thisbookisforyouifyouworkasaclinicianintheaddictiontreatmentfieldandyouwanttolookmoredeeplyattherootscausesofaddiction,andyouwanttoofferyourclientstoolsforaddressingthoserootcauses.Thisbookisforyouifyourfeelingsofresponsibilityforyourclientsisexhaustingyouandyou’relookingforawaytodetachwithoutlosingempathyorcompassion.ConsciousRecoveryisnotintendedtobearecovery“program”thatstandsonitsown.Itisintendedtoenhancetheworkyouarealreadydoingandthesupportyouarealreadygetting.It’snotaneither/orproposition.Itisnotsuggestingthatyouabandonthephysical,mental,oremotionalapproaches. Indeed, Iencourageyoutoremaingroundedintheotherrooms—workwithyourdoctor,therapist,sponsor,andsupportnetwork.Atthesame time, I invite you now to nourish and enhance the work you do in those rooms by joining me inconsideringrecoveryfromaspiritualperspective.TheOuter-FocusedLifeWhenwelookataddiction,wemightautomaticallythinkofdependenceondrugsoralcohol.Wemightimagineapersonwhoisutterlydownandout,someonewhohaslosttheirjobandtheirrelationshipsandisdestituteandhomeless.Whilethatisindeedonefaceofaddiction,thedefinitionI’dliketoworkwithismuchbroader.Manyofus livewithasenseofemptinessordisconnection.Wefeelbrokenandempty inside,andwe lookoutsideourselvesforasolution.Orwe’reuncomfortablewithwhatweseewhenwelookwithin.Ifwecannotbeartobewithourself,tolookatthatinner“edge”whereourdarkestfeelingsandmemoriesreside,thenwemayturnoutwardforsomethingthatwillseemtopullusbacktosafety.Inanycase,thepainofwhat’sinsidecausesustolookoutsideforrelief.Now,thatoutward-seekingmightnotinitselfbeanaddiction.Butaswelook elsewhere to fixwhat feels broken, emptyoruncomfortable inside,we canbegin todependon thoseoutsidesourcestofeelsafeorwhole.Whenweuseanexternalsolutionrepetitivelysothatitbecomesahabitforus,aneed,thenwe’redevelopinganaddiction.Fromthisperspective,addictionfitstheBuddhistconceptofaversion(topain)andclinging(torelief).So,addictioncanbeviewedsimplyastheouter-focusedlife.Ratherthandoingtheinnerworkofhealingthatwhichfeelsbrokenormeaningless,wefocusonsomethingoutsideofourselvestoresolve,numb,oravoidasenseofpsychicpain.Andit’sasolutionthatcanworkforalongtime.Oursolutioncanbedrugsandalcohol,butitcanalsobeotherthings.Wecanbedependentonourownthoughts,usingthemasastrategyforresolvingoralleviatingourinnerconflict.Wecanbeaddictedtoideas,tootherpeople,eventoourprogram.Wecanusereligion,focusingontheideathatthere’saGodupthere,orasetoflaws,andifwecanjustsurrenderourselvestothese,theneverythingwillbeOK.Forexample,onephrasethatiscommonlyheardinrecoverycirclesis:“WehaveaGod-shapedholeinsideofus.”ThemeaningofthisisthatwearewalkingaroundwithasenseofinneremptinessthatonlyGodcanfill.Iwanttoofferadifferentperspectivehere.SayingthatGodneedsto“fill”thisholeisstillanaddictivethought.Whatif,ratherthanimaginingthatitneedstobefilled,wecanlearnto

walkwithit,and“be”withitintheworld?Thisishowwecanshiftfromlookingforsomethingorsomeoneelsetoeasethepain,andbegintointegrateandacceptourfeltsenseofinneremptiness.Thisishowwecanlearntobewithourselvesinanewandmoreacceptingway.Whatallthesestrategieshaveincommoninthecontextofaddictionisthattheyallservetorelievesomeoftheagony that comes froman inner sense of fragmentation andunease, a sense thatwedon’t fit, thatwe are“wrong”intheworld.TheRootsofAddictionWheredoes this senseofbrokennessandemptiness,whichaddiction tries to fix, come from?The rootsofaddiction canbe considered fromall four of the rooms in ourhumanhouse. In thephysical room,we canconsiderchemicalimbalancesorgeneticpropensitiestodepressionorsocialunease.Inthementalroom,wecan consider the ideas and assumptions that lead us to feel alienated and disconnected. An emotionalperspectivecanleadusintoourpersonalstories,wherewemightfindinjuriestoourpsychesthathaveleftuswithoverwhelminglynegativefeelings.The spiritual perspective does not disregard these insights. Rather it adds to them the wisdom of all thespiritualviewpoint,whichtellsusthathumansufferingstemsfromalossofconnectionwiththetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Thetruthisthatwearefundamentallywholeandperfect.WeareonewithSource,onewithGod,onewithlove.We’llbesittingwiththistruthagooddealthroughoutthebook,soIwon’tgoverydeeplyintoithere.Letmesimplysaythatby“fundamentally”Iamnotreferringtothesenseofselfthatwepresenttotheworld.Iamnotreferringtothepersona,thepersonality,ortheego.Thetrueselfistheessentialselfwhichlivesinthemidstofthosethings,theselfthatisunharmedandunharmable,onewithdivinity—thecoreofwhoweare.Thetruthisthatwearefundamentallyimpeccableandunflawed.Ifthissoundsforeigntoyou,you’renotalone.Veryoftenwesimplydonotexperiencetheworldinthisway;foravarietyofreasonsweseeourselvesasanythingbutwholeandperfect.Wehavelearnedthingsfromanearlyage that telluswearebroken, that life is a struggle, thatwehavenochoice.These falsebeliefs thusseparate us from the truth ofwhowe are, and this forgetting, this sense of brokenness and alienation, isextremelypainful.Addictivebehaviorandpatternsarearesponsetothatpainandasearchforrelief.CulturalInfluencesHow do we lose sight of the truth of who we are? Where do we get this belief in our own brokenness,fragmentation,andlimitation?Theanswerliesallaroundus.Weliveinaculturethat’saddictedtotheconceptsof“right”and“wrong,”highlyaddictedtocompetition,highlyaddictedtothebeliefin“us”and“them.”Weliveinaworldwherethereissufferingandpain,andoursocietydoesn’toffermanyhealthytoolsfordealingwiththat.And,dependingonthespecificculturewhereweareraised,wemaygetmanylayersofmessagesthatteachuswearefundamentallybrokenordamagedinsomeway.Evenifwehadastableandlovingupbringingandareblessedwithasafeandnurturingenvironment,wearestillbombardedbymessagesthatruncountertothetruthofourfundamentalperfection.Inaddition,manyofusareburdenedbyunresolvedtraumaandtoxicshame,whichonlycompoundthebeliefsthataredownloadedfromourculture.Webecomefragmented;oursenseofselfshattersandislost.

Allofthesethingsareinvolvedincreatingapointofviewwemightcall“victimconsciousness,”whichsays,quitesimply,thatthingshappentous.Webelievewehavelittlecontroloverwhathappens;otherpeopleandforces outside ourselves determine our life. In this victim consciousness, addiction runs rampant. That’sbecauseifwebelievethesolutionisoutsideofus,wearegoingtoclingtoallsortsofexternals,allsortsofdifferentstrategies,totrytorelievethatpsychicpain.Althoughthosestrategiescanworkforusforaperiodoftime,theytendtobecomeaddictive,tolosetheirefficacyandultimatelystartworkingagainstus.HolisticandIntegratedRecoveryHowdowebreak free from theaddictive self? Just as there is a spiritual aspect to addiction, so there is aspiritual aspect to recovery. Remember, a holistic and integrative recovery acknowledges and utilizes thepowerthatresidesinallfourroomsofthehumanexperience:thephysical,themental,theemotional,andthespiritual.Thephysicalroomgivesustheinsightthataddictionisadisease,andworkingfromthatinsighthasofferedusmanypowerfultoolsandapproaches.Ihavebenefittedfromtheseinsightsandtoolsinmyownrecovery,butIamnotanaddictionmedicinephysicianorapsychiatrist.So, Iwill leavethephysical to thesehealthcareprofessionals,andencourageyouagaintoenterthisroomregularly.Moving on through the rooms: The mental room gives us the insight that our thoughts and ideas, ourassumptionsandourworldview,haveaenormousroleinbothaddictionandrecovery.WewillbeenteringthisroomoftenasweprogressthroughConsciousRecovery.Andtheroomoftheemotionsshowsusthathowwerespond to our feelings—whether we are overcome by them, disengage from them, or somewhere inbetween—isafactorinouraddiction.Healingemotionaltraumaandacknowledgingourdependenceonoldemotionalpatternscanbealargepartofrecovery.Thisroomisalsoonethatwewillvisitthroughoutthisbook.Mytrainingandexpertise,andIsupposemytemperament,haveledmetofocusmyattentionontheroomofSpiritandwhatitteachesusaboutaddictionandrecovery.Whatthisroomrevealsisthataddictionstemsfromfragmentation; it is a strategy for dealingwith thepain of disconnection fromour essential self.Whenwereframeourapproachtoaddictioninthisway,wecanseethattheunderlyingproblemisnottheaddiction.Theproblembeneaththesymptomsofaddictionisspiritualandpsychicdisconnection,thefragmentationofself.Recognizingthisallowsustostarttoidentifyandletgoletgoofoldcorebeliefs,toletgoofthosesolutionsthatarenolongerworking,andtomovetowardaplaceofwholenessandperfection.Thusbeginsthisincrediblevoyageinward.Onthisjourney,wearenotlookingforsomethingindependentofourselves,weareturninginwardandrecognizingthatthispathwaycanleadustoreturntotheessentialself.Thespiritualperspectiveallowsustomakeanimportantinternalshift.Whenwemovefromanouter-focusedlife to an inner-focused way of being, we can start to recognize and engage our wholeness, our inherentperfection.Andwhenwearewillingtolookwithinanddotheworkofinnerclearing,removingthefalseideas,perspectives,andstorieswehaveaboutlives,wecanopentothisnewwayofbeing.GettingtheMostOutofConsciousRecoveryIn Conscious Recovery, I will help you approach addiction from an integrative, spiritual perspective. Afterdescribingandexplainingaddiction’sspiritualroots,thisbookwillguideyouthroughmethodsofbreakingthe

cycleofyouraddictivebehavior,andintoanexperienceofyourinherentwholeness,therebyhelpingyoutofindadeepersenseofpurposeandconnectioninyourlife.ConsciousRecoveryisorganizedintothreeparts.Part1,“TheRootsofAddiction,”delvesfurtherintothethreespiritualrootcausesofaddictionandaddictivebehavior:unresolvedtrauma(chapter1),thefragmentationoftheselfthatwhichcangenerateanddevelopcore falsebeliefs(chapter2),andtoxicshame,which isapervasiveandcorrosivesenseofself that furtherseparatesyoufromyourtruenature(chapter3).Part 2, “Breaking the Cycle of Addiction,” introduces the inner work involved in interrupting compulsivepatterns,soyoucanreconnectwithyourdeepesttruth.Thisworkincludescreatingsafetythroughopenness,spiritualcommunity,andconsciousawareness(chapter4),unlearningyourcorefalsebeliefs,habitsandpointsof view (chapter 5), and discovering powerful spiritual principles that, when practiced, can allow you topermanentlybreakfreefromyouraddictivetendencies(chapter6).Part 3, “A Return toWholeness,” will explore how you canmove your life from power-less to power-full(chapter7),howyoucanreturntotheessentialwholenessofyourdivinenature(chapter8),andfinally,howyoucanliveanawakenedandpurpose-filledlife(chapter9).AccessingRecoveryToolsAttheendofeachchapterinConsciousRecovery,youwillfindreflectiveexercisesandjournalingprocessesthataredesignedtoassistyouinapplyingthespiritualconceptsandprinciplestoyourownrecovery.Theyincludea variety of tools to help youwork through thematerial. Inmy experience, affirmations,meditations, andreflectivequestionscanfundamentallyhelpyouhaveamoreintegratedexperience.Affirmations.You’llnoticethateachchaptercontainsanaffirmation.Youmayhavealreadyexperiencedtheincrediblepowerofthispractice.Butyoumayalsohaveexperiencedthataffirmationsarenotalwayseffective.Whenyouuseaffirmationswithoutdoingenoughofthedeeperinnerwork,youcangetvariedresultsatbest,andquiteoften,gettheexactoppositeofwhatyou'rehopingfor.Aspiritualapproachcanhelpyouavoidthisoutcome.Ratherthanpretending, it’llbemorehelpfultosimplynoticehowyoureacttotheaffirmation,sitwithitabitinmeditation,maybedescribewhathappensinajournal,andthenputitaside.We’llexplorethisconsciousawarenesspracticeattheendofeverychapter.Meditations.Addictionandaddictivebehaviorareinpartaresultofyourdiscomfortwithbeinginthepresentmoment.Onereasonyoumightturntoaddictivestrategiesisbecauseyouareunableorafraidtoacknowledgewhat’sintheshadow:allyourperceivedlimitations,yourpsychicpain,shame,andsorrow.Meditationisaverypowerfultoolforlearninghowtogetbeyondthisfearandbecomefullypresentwithyourself,includingyourdark feelings, memories, and compulsions. The end of each chapter in Conscious Recovery will include ameditationthatwillhelpyouacknowledgeandbecomecomfortablewithyourtrueself.Meditationisnotonlyaboutreachingaplaceofblissandoneness.Italsoteachesustositwithwhatfeelspainfulandtreacherous.Aswebecomelessfearfulofthatinneredge,wecanstarttoleaninfurtherandseethatwhat’sthereholdspowerfulinformation.Wecanbecomecuriousaboutwhatthatapparentdarknessmightbetellingus:aboutwherewearestuck,whereourperspectiveiskeepingusfromgrowth,wherewecanopenup.The

meditationsinthisbookwillhelpyouidentifyyourownedge,leadingyoutowardtheinnerworkthatcanbringyoudeeperhealingandpeace.Questions.AsyoureadConsciousRecovery,you’llbeofferedquestionsdesignedtohelpyouexaminethestoriesyouhaveaboutyourselfandyourworld,storiesthathavehelpedyousurvivebutthatmightnotbeservingyouanylonger.You’lllearntoseehowyourstoriescanbelimitedandlimiting,andyou’llseehowto“livebeyondyourstories.”Thisdoesn’tmean,however,thatstoriesinthemselvesare“wrong.”Storytellinghasalwaysbeenpartofthehumanexperience—wetellstoriestodescribeourworldandtoexpandourperspectives.Livingbeyondyourstoriesdoesn’tmeanyounecessarilygiveupstories;itmeansbecomingawareofthem,shiftingyourperspectivesonthestoriesyou’vecometodependontoshapeyourlife.Thetoolsattheendofeachchapterinthisbookhaveasimplepurpose:tohelpyoufindadeeperconnectionwithyourself,bringyoutoagreaterunderstandingofyourworld,andassistyou inexperiencingagreaterawarenessoftheinfinitepossibilitiesinyourlife.Youmayfindthatoneofthesetoolsworksbestforyou.Forinstance,themeditationsmayhaveabiggerimpactonyouthantheaffirmationsdo,orvice-versa.Asyouread,Iinviteyoutostayopentothesepracticesandpayattentiontoyourresponsestothem.Youmightwanttostarta journal devoted to yourwork,where you can describewhat comes up for you as you read through andinternalizeeachchapter.ClosingMeditationIinviteyoutositinacomfortableandreceptiveposition.Sitonthefloororinachairwithyourspineasstraightasyoucanmakeit,chintuckedinslightly.Breatheindeeply,thenexhale.Don’tforceyourbreath;simplypayattentiontohowitmovesintoandoutofyourbody.Witheachexhale,allowyourselftosettlein,andopentothe present moment. Begin by simply noticing any sounds or sensations you are experiencing in yourenvironment.Takeafewdeepbreathsinthispresent-momentawareness.Now,shiftyourawarenessinward,startingwithcheckinginwithyourselfphysically.Doyounoticeanytensioninyourbody?Asyoubreathe,trywitheachexhaletoreleasethattension,gently.Allowyourshoulderstodrop,your jaw to soften, and trust that you can let go and feel supported in this verymoment.Now,bringyourattentiontoanythoughtsthatarepresent.Andseeifyoucansimplywitnessthosethoughtswithoutattachingtothem.Youmightimaginethemfloatingbyonacloudorcomingandgoingasgentlyasawave.Ifyourmindstartstowander,simplybringawarenessbacktoyourbreathandtrytobeginwitnessingthethoughtsagain.Now,shiftawarenessintoyourheartregion.Breatheinandoutagain,keepingthefocusonyourheart.Dothisforseveralmoments.Asyoukeepyourattentiononyourheart,noticeanyemotionsthatarepresent.Seeifyoucan become intimatewith the emotion andmake friendswithwhatever is present. Then ask yourself thisquestion:“Doesthisemotionholdamessageformeinthismoment?”Thenrepeatthisaffirmation:Iamaperfectexpressionoflove.Keeprepeatingthis,atthesametimenoticinghowyourbodyresponds.Istherenewtension?Isyourmindsuddenlycrowdedwiththoughtsandemotions?With skepticism? If so, simplynotice these responses for amomentand then let themgo—gently,withoutjudgment.Bepatientwithyourself.Nowspendatleasttwominutesinthesilence.Ifyoucanspendevenafewshortminutesonthismeditation,youcanconsiderthisamagnificentexperience.Whenyou’refinished,youmight jotdownanythingyounoticedduringyourmeditation.This isn’tsomethinganyoneelsewillneedtoread,sodon’tworryaboutcompletesentences,grammar,andsoon.Simplywriteordrawanythingthatcomestomindregardingwhatyouexperienced.Ifthere’sjudgment,expressthattoo.

Asyouworkthroughthisbook,keepinmindthatthespiritualapproachisnotanexactscience.Developingtheinnerlifeisnotalwaysastraightforward,linearprocess.Itcanevensometimesbeapainfulprocessthatcallsustobepatientwithourselvesasweshiftourperspectives,letgoofoldwaysofthinkingandliving,anddeepeninawareness.Thatsaid, there isapatternto it; it’saroutetakenbycountlesspeoplebeforeus.WhatIamofferinghereisaguidebookonthatspiritualpath.

Part1

TheRootsofAddiction

Youressentialselfisperfection.YouareessentiallyonewithGod,orlove,orlight—whateverwordyouhavefordivinity.Evenbeforeyouknewlanguage,youcameintothisworldwithabsoluteconnectionto

theultimateSourceoftheuniverse.

Thisisacoretruth.It’sthetruthwearebornwith,thetruththatmakesuswhole,givesusasenseofconnection,asenseofpeaceand

harmony.Butintheprocessoflivingweoftenforgetthiscoretruth,andweloseourbalance.Welosesightofwhoandwhatwetrulyare.

InPart1ofthisbookwewillconsiderhowthathappens.We’llconsiderhowaddictivebehaviorworksinthecontextofoursearchforloveandconnection.We’lllookattherootcausesofouraddictivebehavior:

unresolvedtrauma,spiritualdisconnection,andtoxicshame.Andwe’llstarttoexaminewhatwecandowhenouraddictivebehaviorno

longerservesus,whenitbecomescompulsiveandbeginstohurtusandcloseusofffurtherfromwhatwetrulyseek.

ChapterOne

UnresolvedTrauma

Duringourearlylifewebeganmakingagreements.Ourparentsrewardeduswhenwedidwhattheywantedandtheypunisheduswhenwedidn’t.Wealsolearnedbehaviorsandhabitsinschool,church,andfromotheradultsandchildrenontheplayground.Thetoolsofrewardandpunishmentwereoftenemotionalandsometimes

physical.Theimpactofotherpeople’sopinionsandreactionstousbecameaverystrongforceinthehabitswecreated.Inthisprocesswecreatedagreementsinourmindofwhoweshouldbe,whatweshouldn’tbe,whowewere,andwhowewerenot.Overtimewelearnedtoliveourlifebasedontheagreementsinourownmind.We

learnedtoliveaccordingtotheagreementsthatcamefromtheopinionofothers.Inthisprocessofdomestication,itturnsoutthatthechoiceswemakeandthelifeweliveismoredrivenbytheopinionswe

learnedfromothersthanonewewouldchooseonourown.

―DonMiguelRuiz,TheFourAgreementsWhatIsUnresolvedTrauma?Theword“trauma”canbringtomindcertainideasorassociations.Warzonesmaycometomind,orseriousaccidents,orthelossofsomeoneclosetoyou,orchildhoodabuse.Youmayhavereadaboutresearchonthephysical,mental,andemotional impactsofPTSD(PosttraumaticStressDisorder)onreturningsoldiersandvictimsofabuse,andmaybeyou’veexperiencedsomeofthoseimpactsyourself.Butwedon’toftenhearaboutthespiritualeffectsoftrauma,orabouthowaspiritualperspectivecanhelpusheal.Whenyoubegintouncovertherootsofouraddiction,veryoftenyoufindunresolvedtrauma.Inthischapter,Iinviteyoutotakeaspiritualapproachtoyourunresolvedtrauma,toconnectwithyourinnermostselfandunveilthespiritualsourceofyoursuffering.Inherbook,TheTraumaToolKit:HealingPTSDfromtheInsideOut,SusanP.Bannitprovidesthefollowingdefinitionof trauma: “Traumaticeventsbydefinitionoverwhelmourability tocope.When themindbecomesfloodedwithemotion,acircuitbreakeristhrownthatallowsustosurvivetheexperiencefairlyintact.Thatis,withoutbecomingpsychoticorfryingoutoneofthebraincenters.Thecostofthisblowncircuitisemotionfrozenwithinthebody.Inotherwords,weoftenunconsciouslystopfeelingourtraumapartwayintoit,likeamoviethatisstillgoingafterthesoundhasbeenturnedoff.Wecannothealuntilwemovefullythroughthattrauma,includingall of the feelingsof that event.”Trauma is something thatoverwhelmsourability to cope.Andunresolvedtraumacontinuestohurtusbecausewearestuckinthetraumaticexperience.Let’sexplorethismoredeeply.You’veprobablyheardof“fightorflight,”right?Thosearethebody’sreactionstodanger,andinthemomentoftrauma,whenthebodyisfloodedwithadrenaline,thoseareitsstrategiesforcoping.Butwhentheexperienceisoverwhelming,there’sathirdsurvivalstrategy:tofreeze.Whenwefreeze,wedetach,weleavetheroom,welockawaywhateverpartoftheexperienceismostthreateningtous.Westopbeingpresenttothetraumaticexperience.Thisisalsocalleddissociation.Dissociationcangetusthroughtheimmediatetrauma,butunfortunately,that“frozenemotion”cangettrappedinthebody,resultinginallkindsofilleffectsovertime.Someonewhoexperiencesrepeatedphysicalabusegrowingup,forexample,canexperienceapsychologicalandaspiritualimpactthatgetsstoredinthebodyand

remainstherelongaftertheobviousphysicaldamageishealed.Ifwe’vegonenumboftenenoughinresponsetoabuseorinjury,numbnessbecomesahabit.Andit’sadangeroushabit,becausethepainandsufferingarestillthere,stuckinourbodies.Walkingaroundwiththatkindofunresolvedpainisarootcauseofaddiction.Ifthe traumathat’s trapped inourbodygetsreactivatedeverytimewehearacertainsoundorseeacertainperson,ifthingsinoureverydaylifecanretriggerthatpowerfulfight,flight,orfreezeresponse—thatcanmakeitincrediblyhardtofunction.So,wemayturntothingsthathelpuscope,likeaddictivesubstancesorbehaviors.Beforewe get too far into the consequences of trauma, let’s examine how the different types of trauma—physical,mental,emotional,spiritual,andvicarious—canwounduslongaftertheinitialevent,andhowthatcan lead to an addicted life. As we discuss these different types of trauma, remember that our physical,emotional,mental,andspiritualselvesarenotinfactseparate;thesecategoriesarejustconstructstohelpusunderstand.PhysicalTraumaPhysicaltraumaencompassesmanydifferentexperiences,includingphysicalabuse,domesticviolence,assault,self-injury,naturaldisaster,anautomobileaccident,orbattlefieldtrauma,tonameafew.Medicallyspeaking,physicaltraumaisasevereinjurytothebody,whateverthecause.Thewayanindividualrespondstophysicaltraumadependsontheleveloftraumaaswellasontheirindividualresiliencyandsupportsystems.Let’slookatafewofthepossibleresponsestoandtheeffectsofphysicaltrauma.To beginwith, it’s not uncommon for some of the physical and emotional responses to shut down duringtrauma.Manypeople,forexample,reportfeelingnophysicalpaininthemomentsafteratraumaticinjury—thepaincentersofthebrainsimplystopregisteringpainlevels.Inthelongerterm,physicaltraumacanalsohaveconsequencesbeyondtheinitialinjury,includingshock,lossoforganfunction,infectionandsepsis,andevenadisruptionofgeneticfunctioning.Thenthere’stheimpactofthelife-savingtreatmentswemightundergoafterthetrauma,whichcanthemselvesbeverydistressing.Long-termemotionalresponsestophysicaltraumacanincludeanxiety,flashbacks,unpredictableemotions,andothertypesofemotionaldistress.Thewaywerecoverfromphysicaltraumaseemstodependinpartonhowlong-standingitis.Ifyouhavegoodsupportsystemsandarerelativelyhealthy,youmightwithstandanintensebutshort-livedtrauma,likebeinginjuredinacaraccident,withfewlong-termeffects.Butaphysicaltraumathathappensovertime,suchaschronic,long-termphysicalabuse,neglect,domesticviolence,ormultipletoursofcombatduty,canbemoredifficulttorecoverfrom.Thiskindoftrauma,called“complextrauma,”canhaveverydeeppsychologicalandspiritual impacts, includingtrouble in trustingothers,difficultycontrollingemotions,behaviors,andhigherlevelsofstress,whichinturncandamagetheimmunesystem,impedebraindevelopment,andresultinlong-termdamagetoouremotionalandphysicalhealth.Ifweexperiencethissortoftrauma,it’sgoingtoaffecthowweperceiveourselvesandourworld.Evenifthephysicalwoundsaremended,thereisapsychologicalandaspiritualimpactthatgetsstoredinthebodyandishardertoheal.Thusunresolvedphysicaltraumacanbearootcauseofaddiction,becausewalkingaroundwiththatkindofpainoftenleadsustoturntosubstancesandbehaviorsthateaseoursuffering,butcanalsobecomeaddictive.MentalTraumaItseemsthatthevastmajorityofusexperiencesomedegreeofmentaltraumainchildhoodsimplybyreceivingrepeatedmessagesofuntruth.Thismentaltraumacanbeinflictedbyotherwiselovingparents,teachers,and

otheradultswhoaresimplypassingdownwhattheythemselvesweretaughtaschildren.Aschildren,mostofus learn liesaboutourselvesandourworld insteadof the truthofour inherentwholeness.Being taughtaworldviewthatassumesthattheworldisgovernedbylimitation,fear,separation,oraggressioncanmakeusbelieve, at a fundamental level, that the world is not safe. This is mental trauma is an injury to ourunderstandingoftheworld.Thinkforamomentaboutwhetherandhowthistookplaceasyougrewup.Iknowthatmostoftheadultsinmyownchildhoodtaughtmethattheworldwasn'tfair,thattheworldwasn'tsafeandthattherewasalotofscarcity.IreceivedbothovertandcovertmessagesthatIwouldn’tamounttoanythingandmightaswelljustacceptalifeoflimitation.ThereasonIbringthisverycommonexperienceintotheconversationabouttraumaisthatitisgenuinelyrathertraumatictobetaughtsomethingthatissocountertotheultimatetruthofourexistence.Theseliesaretraumatic.Theyinjureusbecausetheyenterourpsychesanddistortthewayweseeourselves.Theybecomeourcorebeliefs,ourcorefalsebeliefs.Whenwewalkaroundbelievingthingslike,“Theworld isnotsafe,”or “Life isa struggle,”or “I’m fundamentallyunworthy,” then itmakessense to live inapermanentstateoffight,flight,orfreezeresponse.Whenweliveinaworldthatseemsunsafeandunloving,there’satendencytocreateasafetyzoneandnevermoveoutsideofthoseboundaries.So,westopgrowing,becausegrowthonlyhappenswhenweexpandourcomfortzone.Peoplewhohaveexperiencedmentaltrauma—andagain,that'svirtuallyallofuswhoarehereinthishumanrealm—havebeentaughtsomesortoflieabouttheiressentialnature.Forustoexpandoutsideofourcomfortzonecanoftenfeeldisorientingandfrightening.Thisisbecausewe'veunconsciouslycreatedasafetyzonethatononehandseemstokeepusfeelingsafe,butonanotherhand,keepsusabsolutelystuckinlimitedwaysofseeingourselves.EmotionalTraumaEmotionaltraumacanbeinflictedbyaprimarycaregiverwhoisintheirownaddictionandnotabletooffertheloveandconnectionweneed.Itcanalsocomefromteachers,ministers,andthelikewhoarestilloperatingfrom their “woundology,” asmy friend and colleagueTempleHayesputs it. It canbe causedbypeers; theproverbial“kidontheplayground”actingasabully.Beingrepeatedlymocked,insulted,andcriticizedcanmakeus feel,ata fundamental level, thatweare less than,notgoodenough,and/orunlovable.This isemotionaltrauma—injurytoouremotionalwell-being.The followingstory illustrateshowemotional traumagetsstored inourbodies.Someyearsago, Iwas inamotorcycleaccidentthatresultedinmebreakingtwovertebraeinmyupperback.Aftersomehealingtimehadpassed,mydoctorletmeknowitwassafetobegingettingsomedeep-tissuemassageworkdonetoalleviatethepainIwasexperiencing.Aftermyfirstsession,mymassagetherapistletmeknowthatthevertebraehadhealedcompletely,butthemusclesaroundthevertebraehadtightenedtoprotectthevertebrae(eventhoughthey no longer actually neededprotecting). Itwas not the vertebrae that needed tomend, itwas now thetightnessinthemusclesthatneededtobe“workedout”inorderforthepaintobedissipated.Eventhoughthisparticularstoryisaboutphysicaltrauma,itservesasametaphorregardinghowourpsychescanstillholdtheemotionaltraumaandhurtsfromourpast.Thetraumaticeventisnolongeroccurring,butour“freeze”instinctstillbelievesweneedprotecting.Weneedtoworkouttheemotionalscarsassociatedwiththe original trauma in order to be free. The spiritual journey, as I hope you’re beginning to see, is aboutreconnectingwithyouressentialtruth.Youarewhole,youareperfect,youarelove,andyouarelovedexactlythewayyouare.

SpiritualTraumaNowwemoveintospiritualtrauma,whichisveryprevalentinourcultureandinourworld.Spiritualtraumaisinflictedwhenwearenotseenasthedeepesttruthofwhoandwhatweare.Itisalltoocommontobetaughtideasaboutourselvesandtheworldthatarecountertothisfundamentaltruthofourbeing.Whenwearenotseen in this authentic light,wehavewhat is called spiritual disconnection,which is a separation fromouressentialself.Wewillbecoveringthisinamorein-depthwayinchapter2ofthisbook.Thereisabigdifferencebetweenspiritualityandreligion.Spiritualityisaboutconnectionwithouressence,andisthedeepesttruthofwhatitmeanstobehuman.Wecomeintothisworldwithaninnatesenseofknowingthis.Wearenaturallyconnectedwithourselves,withnature,andwithalloflife.Religionisanattempttomakesenseofspirituality,butalltoooften,thedogmaofreligions(rules,tenets,andideology)createstrictguidelinesthatcancausedamage.Sometimesreligionisusedtoteachusthingsthatdon'tconfirmtheultimatetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Forexample,somereligionsteachtheideaoffundamentalsin,theyteachthatwe'reinherentlybadinsomeway.TheyteachthatonlybeliefinthisparticularGodorpracticeofthisparticularreligioncansaveusfromourstateoffundamentalevil.Whenthatmessageaboutourfundamentalbrokennessanddependenceisrepeatedoverandoveragain,whenit’sillustratedandlivedbyanauthorityandaninstitutionthatourparentsandothersaroundusrespectandfollow,thenitnaturallyseepsintoourspiritsandbreaksdownourrelationshipwiththefundamentaltruthofwhoweare.Thisisspiritualtrauma;itisaninjurytoourspirit.OnetragicconsequenceofspiritualtraumaisaturningawayfromSpirit.I’veseenitcountlesstimes.Aspeoplegrowandlearntheybegintocomeupagainstthelogicalinconsistenciesinthereligiousuntruthstheyweretaughtaschildren. Ihave friendswhosaytheywokeuponedayandrealizedthat75%of theworlddidn’tfollow their religion. They then began to question how a loving God could consign 75% of the world todamnation.Thissortofquestioningcanopenusuptospiritualgrowth.But,alltoooften,whenweencountertheseinconsistencieswestoptheprocesscold,andturnawayfromourspiritualsidealtogether.Thisturningaway isunderstandable.Forone, thenotionofsalvationbeing limitedby“correct”belief justdoesn’tmakesensetousanymore.Butonadeeperlevel,theverymentionofreligionortheslightestexperienceofSpiritcanbecomeatriggerforthereligiousorspiritualtraumaweunderwentinouryouth.Thetraumahassoaffectedouroutlookthatwecanseenowaytobespiritualinlife.VicariousTraumaI often work with clients who say they have not experienced trauma in their lives, but upon furtherinvestigation,theybegintorecognizethattheyhaveexperiencedwhat iscalledvicarioustrauma.Vicarioustrauma,simplyput,iswitnessingatraumaticeventorongoingtraumaperpetratedonsomeoneelse.Thiscanbewitnessingahorrificaccident,orseeingsomeonephysically,mentally,emotionally,orspirituallyabusedonceoroveranextendedperiodoftime.Thistypeoftraumacansometimesgetsoverlooked,becausesomeonemightsayavariationof“But,heneverabusedme,”or“Ionlysawithappen,Iwasnothurt.”Thetruthis,thistypeoftraumacanbeveryagonizingbecausetheremightbemultiplelayerstotheexperience.Forexample,someonemightcarryguiltorshamebecausetheywerenotabletopreventtheaccident,ortheybelievethey“shouldhave”donesomethingtostoptheviolence.Oneexampleofthisiswhenchildrenwitnessoneparent

abusingtheotherone.Theseincidentscanleaveveryprofoundwoundsthatneedtobeaddressedinordertofindresolutionandfreedomfromvicarioustrauma.TheConsequencesofUnresolvedTraumaAsyoucansee,all typesof trauma:physical,mental,emotional, spiritual,andvicarious, leadusback toandistressingseparationfromouressentialself,afalsesensethatweareinherentlybrokeninsomeway.Let’slookfurtheratsomeoftheconsequencesofthisongoinginjury.Astheearlierstoryexplained,traumalivesinourbodies.Ifwehaveunresolvedtrauma,theresponsesoffight,flight, or freeze, which are very hard on our nervous systems, can be triggered by everyday physicalexperiences,andovertimethischronicstresstakesatollonourbodiesandspiritsinadditiontothedirectphysicaleffectofthetrauma.Traumacantakeupresidenceinthebody,ineffectreinjuringuseachtimeit’sactivated.Italsohasbeenlinkedtomultiplephysicaldiseases.Whetherit’sphysical,mental,emotional,orspiritualinjurythatweexperience,unresolvedtraumacanresultin a sense that something is fundamentallywrong or broken. And that feeling can get buried deep in thesubconscious(thepartofourpsychethatisnoteasilyaccessibletotheconsciousmind).Let’ssayyoubelievethat there issomethingfundamentallywrongwithyou.Youhaveacore falsebelief thatyou’renot lovable.Whatareyougoingtodo?Howareyougoingtorespondtothisreality? Ifyou’rewalkingaroundwiththeunconsciousorsubconsciousbeliefthatyou’renotlovable,youmayverywelltrytofindallsortsofexperiencestocounterthat.Youmaybebecomeaddictedtorelationships,love,orsex.Youaresearchingforsomethingoutsideofyourselftotrytoundothecorefalsebeliefthatyou’renotlovable.But,quiteoften,whathappensistheopposite.Thefeelingtonethatyouholdaboutyourselfiswhatactuallycreateswhatyoucallreality.So,eventhoughonthesurfaceyoumaybegrabbingforandstrivingforallsortsofexperiencesinordertofeellove,you'restillholdingavibrationorabeliefaboutyourselfasunlovable.Thedeeplyheld feeling tone that you'renot lovableworkson anunconscious level to attract peoplewhoonlyconfirmthatnegativecorefalsebelief.Conversely,youalsomaytendtobeattractedtotheseverypeople,inakindofself-sabotagingreinforcementofthosefalsebeliefs.TraumaandtheUnconsciousAtAgapeBayArea,ourspiritualcommunityinOakland,weareblessedwithawonderfulmusician,abeautifulspiritwhosecontributionstoourcommunityareimmense.ShegrewupinthesegregatedSouth,andoneoftherulesofsegregationsheexperiencedasachildwasthatshecouldnotbeonthesidewalkatthesametimeasawhiteperson.Ifshewaswalkingalongandsawawhitepersoncomingtowardher,shewouldhavetostepoffthesidewalkandletthatpersonpass.Thisexperience,repeatedoverandoveragain,inadditiontoalloftheotherexperiencesofracismandsegregationsheunderwent,enteredintoheronaphysical,mental,emotional,andspirituallevel,sothatevennow,decadeslater,thesimpleactofwalkingdownthesidewalkcansometimestrigger those feelingsof fight, flight,or freeze. It’sastressresponsethatcomesupeventhoughthe lawsofsegregationarenolongerinplace,andfewpeopletodaywouldeventhinkofexpectinghertomoveoffthesidewalk.Thisisthekindofimpactthatlivesoninourbodiesaftertraumaofanykind,whetheritbeemotionaltrauma,marginalization,ridicule,orphysicalviolence.Theseexperiencesliveinourbodies.

Hereisanexampleofapreviousclient,whomwewillcall“James.”Hewaschronicallyinsultedandridiculedfornotbeinglike“theotherboys”asachildandheexperiencedfrequentbullyingatschoolandathomeforhisburgeoning sexual orientation. Thus, he came to have a deeply unconscious core false belief that he wasunlovable.Onaconsciouslevel,heyearnedforloveandconnection.Buthiscorefalsebelief,thevibrationhewas expressing, worked against his yearning, and his experiences tended to reinforce that vibration. Herepeatedlywasattractedto,andfellfor,menwhocouldnotpossiblylovehimforvariousreasons.So,ratherthanprovidingJameswiththelovethathesought,theserelationshipsonlyreinforcedhisdestructivecorefalsebelief.James’storyillustratesthepowerofunresolvedtraumatoperpetuatetheoriginalinjury—inJames’casetheemotionaltraumaofhischildhoodwasretriggeredeverytimesomeonerejectedhim,inturnreinforcingthefalsebelief inhisownbrokenness.Whenweresist the innerworkofrecognizing the impactofunresolvedtraumaonourlifeandouroutlook,wearen’tabletounlearnandundothelieswe'vebeentoldaboutourselves.Untilwedothatdeeperwork,wewillcontinuetoreplicatetherelationshipsthatconfirmthisnegativecorefalsebelief.That'swhywefallintounhealthy,evenaddictivepatterns.That’swhywesayoverandoveragain,"Ithoughthewasgoingtobedifferent"or"Ithoughtthisrelationshipnotwasgoingtobeliketheothers.”Wesimplycan’tfindsolutionstoourinnerturmoilbylookingtotheouterrealm.Whenwe’reindenialaboutwhat’sauthenticallyhappening,ourbehaviorscanbecomeself-sabotaging.We’veallseenithappen:peoplewhoappeartobeincrediblyfocusedanddedicatedsuddenlyfailinaspectacularway.Theydosomethingtosabotagetheirownsuccess.It’sbafflingbecauseitseemsoutofcharacterwithwhatweseeonthesurface.Butwhat’sactuallygoingonunderneathisthatthepersonisstrugglingwithacorefalsebeliefabouttheirownworthinessthatstemsfromchildhoodtrauma.Underneathallthatstriving,competition,andfocusonsuccessisanunconsciousbeliefof“I'mnotworthy.”Andthisisthebeliefthattripsthemupinthecrucialmoment.So,traumacanblockusfromourfullexpression.Beingindenialaboutwhat’sreallyhappeningintheunconsciouscanpreventusfromconnectingspirituallywithourtrueessence.Thecorefalsebeliefsthatresultfromunresolvedtraumacantrapusinalimitedandlimitingrealitythatkeepsusfromtruehealing.VictimConsciousnessHowdoesthisrelatetoanaddictedlife?Remember,we'retalkingaboutaddictionasabrilliantstrategythat’snolongerworking;usingsomethingoutsideofourselvestotrytofixsomethingthatfeelsbrokenwithin.Theconnectionissimple.Iftraumahasledustowalkaroundwithasenseofbrokenness,thenwenaturallyturntothingsoutsideourselvestoattempttorepairthatfeelingofbrokenness.Thetroubleis, ifwe’veallowedthetraumaresponsetogetburiedinoursubconscious,thenitbeginstoruntheshow.Thetraumadefinesusandcolorsallourexperiences.Wecometobelievethatweare,fundamentally,victims.Letmebeclear:Thisdoesnotmeanthatweweren’tpossiblyvictimizedwhenthetraumahappened.I’mnotsayingthatthetraumayouunderwentwasyourresponsibility,oryourfault.Notatall.WhatIamsayingisthat,becauseofthetrauma,wecansometimestakeontheidentityofavictim.Wecansometimesstartbelievingandsayingthingslike“Iamavictim,”or“Iampowerless”whichonlyconcretizesthisvictimmentalityintoourconsciousness.Unfortunately,partoftrauma’spoweristhatitcanleadustobelievethatthebrokennessitleavesuswithisfundamental,it’sanessentialpartofwhoweare.Whenwearevictimsoftraumaweoftenfallintoasenseofpowerlessnessorhopelessness,abeliefthatwearenevergoingtobeabletoreconnectwiththetruthofwhoweare.This leavesus feeling likewe'revictimstotheentireworld. It leavesus feelingas if theproblemisoutsideofusandsothesolutionmustbeoutsideofusaswell.Tome,thatisaddictioninitssimplestform;tryingtofixsomethingthatfeelsbrokeninsidebyturningtosolutionsontheoutside.

HealingfromTraumaHealing when we’ve experienced trauma can involve all four rooms of our human house: the physical,emotional,mental,andspiritual.Ifyou’vesufferedtheongoingeffectsoftrauma,Iinviteyoutostartbyworkingwithatraumaspecialist(forexample,someonewhospecializesinSomaticExperiencing®orE.M.D.R.).Thisissomeonewhocanhelpyou tocreatesafeplacesandrelationships inwhich tobreak free fromthecycleofreplicatingtraumainyourlife,andalsobegintodothedeeperinnerworkofunlearning:clearlylookingwithin,recognizingthecorefalsebeliefs,theworldviews,andthestoriesthatyouhaveaboutyourselfandtheworld.ThenyoucanexperiencewhatIcall“TheGreatRemembering,”whichisreconnectingwithyouressentialself,wakinguptothisgreaterrealityofwhoandwhatyouareandfromtherewitnessinglife.Inotherwords,whenweunlearnandremember,wearenolongerboundbyourstories.Wecanbreakfreefromthetraumaticstoriesthathave trappedus inanoldwayofbeingandanoldwayof seeing theworld that is atbest limitedbutoftentimesreplicatesthetraumainwaysthatinjureusatmanylevels.Wewillcoverthisinamorein-depthwayinSection2ofthisbook.

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter1:UnresolvedTrauma

ReadingfromchapteroneofConsciousRecoveryHowdoesthisrelatetoanaddictedlife?Remember,we'retalkingaboutaddictionasabrilliantstrategythat’snolongerworking;usingsomethingoutsideofourselvestotrytofixsomethingthatfeelsbrokenwithin.Theconnectionissimple:Iftraumahasledustowalkaroundwithasenseofbrokenness,thenwenaturallyturntothingsoutsideourselvestotryto fixthat feelingofbrokenness.Thetrouble is, ifwe’veallowedthetraumaresponsetogetburiedinoursubconscious,thenitbeginstoruntheshow.Thetraumadefinesusandcolorsallourexperiences.Wecometobelievethatweare,fundamentally,victims.Letmebeclear:Thisdoesnotmeanthatweweren’tvictimizedwhenthetraumahappened.I’mnotsayingthatthetraumayouunderwentwasyourresponsibility,oryourfault.Notatall.WhatIamsayingisthat,becauseofthetrauma,wecansometimestakeontheidentityofavictim.Wecansometimesstartbelievingandsayingthingslike“Iamavictim,”whichonlyconcretizesthisintoourconsciousness.ReleasingStatementIhonorandreleasemypainfulpast.AffirmingStatementIamstrongandresilient.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisawalkingmeditation.Setatimerfor5-10minutes(trustwhateverfeelsliketherightamountoftimeforyouinthismoment).Nowwalkinsilenceduringyourallottedtime.Theinvitationistosimplynoticeyoursurroundings.Seeifthereareaspectsofyourenvironmentyouhaveneverseen.Doyouseeanythingyou’venevernoticedbefore?Doyounowhaveadeeperappreciationforyourspace?Now,takeabitoftimetowriteoutwhatyounoticed.Exercises1.WhatisTrauma?Exercise:Thisisasimpleexercisedesignedtoassistyouingettingintouchwithwhattraumameanstoyou.Simplywriteoutyourdefinitionoftraumaandlisteverythingyouwouldconsidertobetraumatic (whetheryouhaveexperiencedthese thingsornot).Onceyouhavethedefinitionand listmade,reflectbackonyourownlifeandaskyourselfwhattraumaticexperiencesyouhaveendured.Writethemdown.

2.IdentifyingYourTraumaProcess:Nowchooseoneof thetraumaticeventsthatyouhaveexperienced.Only go as deep as you feel comfortable in this moment. If you have had multiple or severe traumaticexperiences,youmaywanttoskipthisexerciseorasksomeoneyoutrusttobepresentwithyouasyoudothis.Writeaboutordiscusswithapartner:

• Areyouawareofanywayinwhichyoumayhavelockedtraumainyourbody?• Whatemotions,painorsufferingmightbestuckinthere?• Whateffecthasthathadonyou?• Doyouseeanyconnectionbetweenthesefeelingsandyouraddictivebehavior?• Areyounoticinganydesiretoavoidorescapefromthesefeelings?• Doyouneedtogetsomesupportforyourselfasyouexplorethis?

3.TraumaandFalseBeliefsMethod:Usethesametraumaticexperiencefromyourpast,orchooseanewone.Writeaboutordiscusswithapartner:

• Hasthetraumayouhaveexperiencedleftyouwithasenseoffeelingwrongorbroken?• Didyoucreateanegativecorefalsebeliefaboutyourselfortheworldasaresult?• Whatisthatcorefalsebelief?• Haveyousoughtforsomethingexternaltocounterthat?Writedownanexampleortwo.• Didthestrategyworkthewayyouhadhopeditwould,andifitdid,diditchangeatsomepoint?• Isitstillworking,ordiditeventuallyconfirmyourcorefalsebeliefaboutyourself?

4.VictimConsciousnessActivity:Thinkofasituationthatiscurrentlychallengingforyou.Sitwithitforamoment,andnoticewhatcomesup.Writeoutyouranswerstothefollowingquestionsandsharewithapartner(ifyou’reinagroup)orrereadthemifyouarealone:

• Whatareyourthoughtsaboutthesituation?• Whatarethefeelingsassociatedwithit?• Canyounoticeyour“story”aboutthesituation?• Doesthe“story”youaretellingyourselfincludeanythoughtsofblame?• Doyoufeelresentfultowardanyoneregardingthis?• Canyoudiscoveryourpartincreatingthesituation?• Areyounowblamingyourself?

Now,“rewrite”thestoryinawaythatdoesnotincludeanyblame.Seeifyoucanfindawaytotellthestoryfroma“higher”vantagepoint.Noticehowyoufeelwhenyoureadthenewstory.5.RecoveryRocksTechnique:Findasmallrockwithaflatsurface.Withamarker,writeoneofthecorefalsebeliefsyouidentifiedfromtheexerciseabove.Now,findaSAFEplacetothrowtherock(inalake,river,deepintothewoods,etc.).Whenyouareready,throwtherockandsay:“Inowreleasethisoldbelief.”Noticehowitfeels. Ifyou findyourself thinking thebeliefover thecomingdaysorweeks, remindyourselfyou“threw itaway!”

Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Haveyouhadanyunresolvedpainfromtraumathathascontributedtoyouraddiction?2. Whatwouldhappenifyouweretoletgoofthatunresolvedpain?3. Haveyouorsomeoneclosetoyoueverexperiencedtrauma?4. Whatimpacthasithadonyou?5. Whatlieshaveyoubeentaughtaboutyouressentialnature?6. Howhasthataffectedyouandyouraddiction?7. Whatlieshaveyoubeentaughtabouttheworldinwhichwelive?8. Howhasthataffectedyouandyouraddiction?9. Haveyoucreateda“safetyzone”or“comfortzone”foryourself?10. Howhasthatworkedforyou?11. Howhasthatworkedagainstyou?12. Whatwouldhappenifyouweretomoveoutofyourcomfortzone?13. Haveyouengagedinanypatternsofself-sabotage?14. Wheredoesthatcomefrom?15. Whatcanyoudoorbetochangeit?16. Inwhatwayshaveyouidentifiedyourselfasavictim?17. Whateffecthasthathadonyouandyouraddiction?18. Whatwouldhappenifyouweretounlearnyourcorefalsebeliefs?19. Howmightyougoaboutdoingthat?20. Howcanyoucreateaspaceofsafetytoexploretheseissuesandbegintohealfromyourtraumas?

ChapterTwo

SpiritualDisconnection

ThekeyproblemIencounterworkingwithwounded,depressed,andunhappypeopleisalackofconnection…startingfromadisconnectionfromthemselvesandthenwithothers.Thisiswhyloveoftenbecomessodistortedanddestructive.Whenpeopleexperienceadisconnectionfromthemselves,theyfeelitbutdonot

realizetheproblem.

―DavidW.Earle

WhatisSpiritualDisconnection?“Iamwholeandperfectineveryway.”Fromaspiritualperspective,life’sjourneycanbeseenasanattempttoreclaimthistruth.Infact,evenouraddictionscanbearesultofourattemptsatrestoration.Evenouraddictionscancomeoutoftheattempttorestoretheconnectiontoourtruenature.Addictivebehavioriscategoricallyaresponsetothefeltsensethatsomethingisoutofbalance,thatwehaveforgottenouressentialself,forgottenthetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Inouraddictivebehavior,weareusuallylookingforsomethingoutsideofourselvestohelpusmanagesomethingthatfeelsdisturbedorbrokenwithin.It’sasolutiontotheproblemofthefragmentedself. InhisbookTheFourAgreements,DonMiguelRuiz introducesustotheconceptof“thedomesticationofthehuman”—theprocesswherebywereceivemessagesabout,inhiswords,“whoweshouldbe,whatweshouldn’tbe,whowe(are),andwhowe(are)not.”That’swhatI’mtalkingabouthereasspiritualdisconnection.It’stheseparationfromouressentialnature.WecomeintothisworldasspiritualbeingsintuitivelyexperiencingouronenesswithSource.Ifyoulookataverysmallchild,yourecognizethisconnectionwiththepristineself.MyfirstbookConsciousBeingopenswiththefollowingstorythatillustratesthis:Ayoungcouplehadatoddler,andthentheyhadasecondbaby.Whentheybroughtthebabyhome,theyrealizedthetoddlerwastiptoeingandsneakingintotheinfant’sroomatnight.Becausetheywerecuriousaboutthis,theyputupababycamtorecordwhatthetoddlerwasdoingintheroom.Totheirsurprisetheydiscoveredthatthetoddlerwasleaningoverthecribandsayingtotheinfant,“PleasetellmeaboutGod.I'mbeginningtoforget.”Thisisapowerfuldemonstrationofthedomesticationofthehuman.Wecomeintothisworldseekingthelovethatweknowweare.Wearedesignedtoreceivelove,toseeourlovereflectedbacktous.Butmanyofusdon'texperiencethatassmallchildren.Orwedo,butit’snotenough.It’smixedupwithotherconflictingmessages.Fromaveryearlyage,lifebeginstoteachustheoppositeofwhatwecomehereintuitivelyknowing.WecomeintothisworldknowingouressentialnatureandouronenesswithSource,butveryquickly“thetallpeople”begin to teach us otherwise. These adults, often very loving and well-meaning, begin (quite oftenunconsciously)teachingusabout“theworld.”Theyteachusattitudesandapproachestolifelikecompetition,fear, scarcity, and separation. I love the phrase “domestication of the human” because it calls tomind thedomesticationofwildanimals.Whenwedomesticateanimals,wecallit“breakingthem,”or“breakingtheirspirit.”That'swhathappenstohumanbeingsasweenterthisrealmofexistence.Mostofusgettaughtallsortsofthingsthatareafundamentallieaboutwhoandwhatwesincerelyare.

AttachmentTheoryAttachment theory is a psychological model that endeavors to describe the dynamics of interpersonalrelationships. Themost important precept of attachment theory is that a baby needs to develop a lovingrelationshipwithatleastoneprimarycaregiverforthechild'ssuccessfulspiritualandemotionaldevelopment,and for learning how to effectively normalize their emotions. In the presence of a sensitive and receptivecaregiver,theinfantwillusethecaregiverasa"safebase"fromwhichtoexplore.Thisisnottosaythatanyonecan parent “perfectly.” For example, there are times when parents feel exhausted or preoccupied, or lifedistractsthemwithdailyactivitiesandtasks.So,eventhemostattentiveparentscansevertheattachmentorconnection.Becauseof thesechildhoodexperiences,asadults,wedevelop intooneof these threedifferentunhealthyattachmentstyles:avoidant,anxious,oranxious-avoidant.Theintentionistomovetowardwhatiscalledsecureattachment.Iprefertousethetermauthenticattachment.Thefollowingaresomecharacteristicsofthefourdifferentattachmentstyles.Adultswithavoidantattachmentdesireahighlevelofindependence,oftenappearingtoavoidattachmentaltogether.Theyviewthemselvesasself-reliant, invulnerable toattachment feelingsandnotneedingcloserelationships.They tend tosuppresstheirfeelings,dealingwithrejectionbydistancingthemselvesfrompartnersofwhomtheyoftenhaveapooropinion.Adultswithanxiousattachmentseekelevated levelsof intimacy,approvalandreceptiveness frompartners,andcaneasilybecomeoverlydependent.Theytendtobelesstrusting,havelesspositiveviewsaboutthemselvesthanthepeopleintheirlives,andmaydisplayhighlevelsofemotionalself-expression,worryandimpulsivenessintheirrelationships.Adultswithanxious-avoidantattachmenthavemixedfeelingsaboutcloserelationships, simultaneously desiring and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They tend tomistrust their partners and can often view themselves as unworthy. Similar to avoidant attached adults,anxious-avoidantadultstendtoseeklessintimacy,andsuppresstheirfeelings.Conversely,securelyattachedadultsfosterpositiveviewsofthemselves,theircompanionsandtheirrelationships.Theyfeelcomfortablewithintimacyandindependence,andhaveaneasytimebalancingthetwo.Weallwanttoexperienceconnection.Whenwearedisconnectedfromouressentialself,weattempttoattachtosomethingorsomeoneintheexternalrealmtofindpeace,happiness,orsimplynumboutthepainoffeelingthedeepdisconnection.Itiseasytoseehowtheunhealthyexternalattachmentstylescanleadtomanyformsofaddictions.Inthemostsimplisticperspective,thepainoflivingwiththesedetrimentalattachmentstyleswill“need”toberelievedinsomeway.Andforanyonewhohascompulsivetendencies,thisoftenprovokesandfuelsaddictivebehavior.CoreFalseBeliefsIfwe’rebornwithasolidconnectiontoourdivinenature,whathappenstothatconnection?Mostofuscomeintoaworldthatteachesusaboutfear,separation,andcompetition.Welearnthingsaboutourselvesandourworldthatarecontrarytothefundamentaltruththatwearewholeandperfect.Adults,oftenwell-meaning,trytoprepareusfortheworldbyteachingustofight,towalloffouremotions,tocriticize.TheselessonsarebasedonliesthatIcall“corefalsebeliefs.”Thedeepestrootofaddictionisthis:welearnandweappropriatecorefalsebeliefs,whichbreaktheconnectionwithourtruenature.Thisfragmentsusandpushesustoturnoutwardforvalidation,love,andpeaceofmind.Let’s lookat an example: Sylvia’s coworkers andacquaintances seeher as anaccomplishedprofessional, acaringfriend,andalovingmother.Butherintimaterelationshipsarecrippledbyasetofcorefalsebeliefsthatsprangfromatroubledchildhood.Theygosomethinglikethis:“Iamnevergoingtosucceed.Thingsarenever

goingtogosmoothlyforme.Iamnevergoingtofixmylife.”Lookingthroughthelensofthesecorefalsebeliefs,Sylvia lives inastateofrelentlessdisconnectbetweenhowsheseesherself(failed,struggling,broken)andwhatsheyearnsfor(success,ease,wholeness).So,nomatterhowmuchsheaccomplishes,shewillnevertrulyexperienceherownachievement.Shegetsextremelyhighmarksonherannualevaluationatwork,forinstance,withonlyonesmallelementtaggedforimprovement,yetshewillneverseethisassuccess.Becauseofhercorefalsebeliefs,allshecanfocusonisthatoneareaforimprovement,whichsheinterpretsasamassivefailure.JustasSylvia’scorefalsebeliefstrapherintoseeingherlifeasaseriesoffailures,theyalsotrapherintoalifeofconstantstrivingtoachieve.Those falsebeliefs forceSylvia tohangontothegoalofsuccess;striving forsuccess becomes her addiction. Ashamed by her limitations, her mistakes, her perceived weakness, she’sconvincedthattheyarehertrueself.Shepushesthemintotheshadow,hidingthemfromothersasshetriestopresentaperfectimagetotheworld.So,sheworksconstantlyattryingtobetheperfectpartner,theperfectemployee,theperfectmother.Eventually,Sylviaturnstodrugsandalcoholtofindrelieffromtheself-imposedpressuresheislivingwith.Letmeclarifyonething:TheperfectionSylviaisafterisnottheperfectionshewasborninto,it’snotthewholenessthatisherbirthright.It’sadistortedversionofthatoriginalperfection.Sylviatriestowrestitfromoutsideherselfinsteadoffindingandconnectingwithwhatsheessentiallyis.BrilliantStrategiesOurcorefalsebeliefs,whichfrequentlystemfromgeneralizedunresolvedtraumaandspiritualdisconnection,mayleaveusfeelingbroken.Inresponse,wemightlookforthingstomakethatfeelinggoaway.Thatisoftenthe foundationalmaladyof addictivebehavior. Ihave seen it repeatedly:What ismostoftenat the coreofaddictivebehavioristhissenseofbrokennesswithinandthesearchforsomethingoutsideourselvestohelpusmanagetheresultingdiscomfort.Lookedatinthisway,addictivebehaviorcanbeseenasastrategy,evenabrilliantstrategy,forsurvival.Whenoursenseofselfisfragmented,whenweseeourselvesasfundamentallybroken,that’savery,verypainfulwaytolive.Wefeellikewe'resurvivingratherthanthriving,walkingaroundwith a sense of separation, a feeling of fear, a belief that we can’t reveal our true selves because there’ssomethingwrongwithus.Andwhenwediscoversomethinglikegamblingorsexordrugs,itcanbringusrelieffromthatterriblepain.Manyclientshavetoldmethattheiraddictionwasthemostconsistentrelationshipintheirlife.That’sapowerfulawareness.Addictivebehavior is a strategy thatmaywork for a long time; itmight succeed inprotectingus from thedesperationthatmightotherwiseoverwhelmus.IfSylviasuddenlylostherworkorherfamily,forinstance,thenshemightbeoverwhelmedbythesenseofworthlessnessthatfuelsherworkaholism,anditmightprovetoomuchforhertobear.Heraddictiontoaccomplishmentkeepsheralive,atleastfornow.I,myselfuseddrugsandalcoholtonumbthepainofmycorefalsebeliefs;mysubstanceabusekeptmefromkillingmyselforlosingmysanity.Forme,drugsandalcoholwereabrilliantstrategythatworkedwell—untiltheystoppedservingme.It’snotjustamatterofbasicsurvivaloravoidingsuicideorinsanity.Ouraddictivestrategiescanhelpusmakesenseoftheworldandfindrelieffrompainandsuffering.Ifwehaveacorebeliefthattheworldisnotsafe—ifthat isour livedexperience,our reality—thenwe tend todevelopstrategies formaking thesebeliefsmorebearable.Wemightshutdownemotionally,refusingtoopentoothers.Wemightimplementstringentphysicalsecuritymeasures to try toprotectourselvesandour families.Wemightbecomeoverly controlling.Thesethingsservenotonlytokeepusfromspiralingintoastateofchronicanxietybutalsotovalidateourcorefalsebeliefintheinherentdangeroflife.

AddictionisaBrilliantStrategyWeoftenhearaddictivebehaviordescribedinotherterms—asadisease,orasacopingmechanism.Bothcanseeminherentlynegativeinconnotation.Theysuggestthatthatthere'ssomethingwrongthatneedstobefixed.“Iamanaddictandthat’swhat’swrong.”Inthewesternmedicalmodel,theproblemisthediseaseofaddiction,and it’s addressed by treating the symptoms, whether they be physical, social, or emotional. And callingaddictiona“copingmechanism”suggeststhatapersonislessabletofunctionthan“normal”peopleandneedsthecrutchoftheaddictivebehaviortogetalonginlife.Bothperspectiveshavetheirplaceinourrecovery.Buttheyarelimited.Theybothseeaddictionastheproblemratherthanasasignthatsomethingisoutofalignmentinternally,onthespirituallevel.Theyarebasedonanegativeassessmentofaddictivebehavior(“it’stheproblem”),andthismakesitdifficulttoseeanythingelse.Reframingaddictionasabrilliantstrategy,asaself-preservinghumanresponsetoaproblem,removesthenegativejudgmentfromourperspectiveandinvitesustoaskourselvesacoupleofkeyquestions:“Whatismyaddictive behavior a response to? What problem is it trying to solve?” As a brilliant strategy, addictivebehavior—whether it using drugs and alcohol, gambling, sex, work, etc.—can serve to bring relief from aprofoundsenseofuneasinessintheworld,ofdisconnectionandfragmentation.Recognizingaddictivebehaviorasabrilliantstrategygivesusclarityaboutwhat’sauthenticallyhappeninginside.Ittellsussomethingaboutthewholenessweare trulyseeking. It tellsus,with terrifyingclarity,wherewe'restuck,wherewe'reshutdown,andwherewe'reclosedoff.Thenwecansimplyaskthequestions:“Isthisstrategystillworking?Isitstillservingme?Isthereabetterway?”OtherBrilliantStrategiesUsingasubstancelikealcoholordrugsisonlyoneofthebrilliantstrategiespeopleusetodealwiththepainofspiritualdisconnection.Therearemany,manyothers.Ifwesuffer,likeSylvia,fromthecorefalsebeliefthatweare fundamentally broken, thenwemight keep the pain of that belief at baywith the brilliant strategy ofmaintaining“good”behavior;followingtherulesandstrivingforsuccess.Ifweseetheworldaschaotic,thenwemightnumbtheresultingfearbykeepingourlivesasorderedandtidyaspossible.Ifwebelievethatwelack the inner strength or virtue to truly belong anywhere, then we might try to make things “right” bysurrenderingourselvestosomeexternalpower“outthere,”likeGod,aprogram,oragroup.Onethingtobeawareofisnoticingifnew“strategies”oraddictionsstarttoemergeonceyouletgoofyourprimaryaddiction.Thisisoftencalled“cross-addiction”becausenewaddictionscansurfaceaswemoveawayfromtheoriginalsubstanceorbehavior.I’vehearditreferredtoas“whack-a-mole”becausenewaddictionscan pop up as we move into recovery. Remaining aware of this and practicing the tools and principlesintroducedinthisbookcanassistyouindeepeningyourrecoveryratherthanswitchingtonewaddictions.TheInwardJourneyWhicheverbrilliant strategieswepractice, theyaremost likelydirectedoutwardbecausewe’re seeing thesolutionasexternal.Itseemslikemostaddictionscomeoutofavictim’sperspective,inwhichweseelifeassomething that happens to us. Our problems are caused by other people, by institutions like school orgovernment,evenbyGod—everythingiscausedbycircumstancesbeyondourcontrol,forceswecan’tmanage.Oftenthisviewpointstemsfromourearliestexperiences,whichtaughtusthatwearepowerlesstochangeanythingdirectlyandthattheonlywaytogetsomethingweneedisbysheerforceormanipulation.Victim

consciousnessleavesusfeelingpowerlessovercircumstances,andotherpeople’sbehaviorseemstohavewaytoomuchimpactonourlives.Thisviewpointoffersuslittlechoice.Wefeeltrapped.Livingthiswayisexcruciatinglypainfulso,ofcourse,we’regoingtolookoutsideourselvesforsomethingtonumbthatpain.Ourhappinessdependsonotherpeopleandexternalcircumstances,sowetrytomanipulatethosethingstogetwhatwewant:“IfIcouldjustmakeenoughmoney...Ifmybosswouldjustrecognizeme...”or“EverythingwillbefineifIacknowledgethatIamatotalfailureandrelyonGod.”Whateverourbrilliantstrategy,chancesareitwillinitiallywork,sometimesevenforyears.Ifitdoesn’t,we’llfindadifferentstrategy.Butultimately,alloutward-directedstrategiesendupaffirmingthatthere’ssomethingwrongwithusandthatsomethingoutthereisgoingtofixus.Thesestrategieslimitourresponsestolife.Ifthingsdonotgothewaywewant,wecanonlyconcludethatit’sbecausewehavedonesomethingwrong,orbecausewearewrong.Ultimately, ourbrilliant strategies stopworkingbecause theyare limited.Theyareinadequateinthattheybringonlytemporaryrelieffromfeelingsoffragmentation.Andtheyarelimitinginthattheyultimatelystrengthenandsolidifyourbeliefinourownpowerlessness;theyoffernootherperspective.Seeingaddictivebehaviorasabrilliantstrategyforminimizingpainandstayingalivehelpsustoaskthefurtherquestions,“Ismyaddictionstillworkingasasolution?Isthestrategystillbrilliant?”Maybeforyouitis.Maybefornowthere’stoomuchgoingoninyourlifeandyouneedtokeepseeingtheworldasyou’vealwaysseenit.Maybeyou’renotreadyorableatthistimetolookanydeeper.However,Iwanttoencourageyoutoinvestigatealittlefurtherhere.Whydidyoupickupthisbook?Hassomethinghappenedinyourlifethatcausedyoutoquestionwhethertheremightbeanotherway?Areyoutiredoftryingtoorchestrateeverythingaroundyoutomaintainstability?Coulditbethatyou’rereadytositwiththediscomfortofthishealingworkifthatmeansfindingadeeperrecovery?Ourspiritualdevelopmentisn’talwayslinear.Whenwe’rechallengedbysomethingthattriggersanoldpattern,wemight slip fromanewunderstandingback intoanearlierone.Onemomentwemightbe feeling fullofconfidence and trust that everything is working out, and the next moment we are back in a feeling ofpowerlessness.So,itmightserveustobepatientwithourselvesandopentowhattheprocessiswantingtorevealtous.Myinvitationtoyouinthismomentistoreallygowithinandaskyourself:“WhatisthemainstrategythatIhavebeenusingtotrytofeelmorewholeandmoreconnected,ortofeellesspain?Andisthatstrategystillworking?”Ifnot,areyoureadytomakeaconsciouschoicetomoveon?Areyoureadytostartrecognizingthatyouhavebeenmakingchoicesallalong?Youraddictionwasachoice,abrilliantstrategytokeepyousafe,orwhole,oralive.Itmaybetimetoletitgoandseewhatelseisoutthere.And,moreaccurately,seewhatelseisinsideofyou.ShiftingConsciousnessWhen the strategy of your addiction is no longer working, when your addictive behaviors have becomemaladaptiveandnolongerfunctiontobringyouasenseofrelief,thentheybecomewhatwemightcalladis-ease.Orrather,theybecomeaside-effect,asitwere,ofyourunderlyingspiritualdisconnection.Notonlydoyouraddictivebehaviorsstopworking,theybegintocausemoreproblems,moreseparation.So,theverythingyou’vebeenusing to try to getmore connection, or at least to relieve your senseof disconnection, is nowcausingmoreseparation.Nowyou’vegotadifferentproblemonyourhands,onethatrequiresanewsolution,anewwayofliving.Whenthestrategyofyouraddictionisfailingsoacutelythatyouaredesperate,youmay

justbecomewillingtostepoutofthepathyouknowandtryadifferentway.That’swhenyoucanexperienceashiftinconsciousness.Let’stakealcoholforexample,becauseit'saverycommonaddiction.Drinkingisasolutionthatworkswellinthe beginning but eventually causes separation rather than connection. When alcohol goes from being abrilliantsolutiontobeingthefocusofourlives,itcancausedamagetoourrelationships,ourabilitytofunctionintheworkplace,andsoon.We’reallfamiliarwithwhathappenswhenthebrilliantstrategyofusingalcoholstopsworking.Let’ssayyouhaveenteredrecoverybecauseoftheilleffectsofyouraddiction,butyouhaven’tlookedatthecausesoftheaddictivebehavior.Youmightthink,“I’msolvingtheproblemofmyaddiction,sonowIwillfeelbetter!”Butwhenyouputdownthealcohol,whenyouletgoofthataddiction,whatmayverywellhappeninsteadisthatyounowstarttofeelthepainoftheunresolvedtrauma,spiritualdisconnection,ortoxicshamethatcausedtheaddictioninthefirstplace.Evenafteryou’verecoveredphysically,youmightstillfeelawful.That’sbecauseyou’veletgoofthesolution,nottheproblem.Yes,youneededtoletitgo.Butitwasasolutionthat played a very key role in your life, perhaps formany,many years. Recognizing this as a loss opens adoorwaytosomeoftheinnerworkthatwillbringdeeperhealing.ANewWayofBeingHowweperceivetheworldishowweexperiencetheworld.Whenwechangeourperspective,theworldseemstochange.Butthismaynotalwaysbeeasy.Lettinggoofastrategythatyou’vebeenusingforalongtimeisnotalwaysastraightforwardprocess.So,asyouworkthroughthisbookyou’llbelearningnotonlywhat’sattherootofyouraddiction,butmoreimportantly,howtousespiritualpracticestomoveforwardintoanewwayofbeing.Andonethatcanhelpyoureturntoasenseofwholenessandpeace.Thesedisciplinesincludetoolsfornurturingyourabilitytobetrulypresentandconscious,likemeditationandanawarenessoflanguage.We’llalsolookattheimportanceofcreatingasafeplace,buildingcommunity,anddevelopingauthenticity.Allalongwe’llbedoingtheworkofuncoveringanddismantlingthosestrategiesthatnolongerserveyouandtheideasandbeliefsthatliebeneaththem.Perhapsyou’vewalkedaroundforyears,maybeforaslongasyoucanremember,withbeliefsaboutwhoandwhatyouarethatleaveyoufeelingbrokenandshattered.Maybeyouarebeginningtoseethatthesebeliefshavecausedyoutoburywholeportionsofyourselfintotheshadow,nevertobesharedwithothers.Perhapsyourecognizethatmuchofwhatyoudofeelsoutofyourcontrolbecausethisstrategyisnolongerworkingforyou,it’snowtrappingyou.Ifso,you’reinaplaceofshiftingconsciousness.Itcanbeadauntingplace,becauseyou’relettinggoofthetriedandtrueandarewaitingforsomethingnew,somethingyoucan’tseeyet.Letmereassureyou:Youcangetthroughthis.Beyondthisseeminglyfragmentedselfliesyouressentialself,whichhasalwaysbeenthere,wholeandperfect,unharmedandunharmable.Iwanttoreiteratethat,underneathalltheaddictivebehavior,youarewholeandperfectineveryway,rightinthismoment.Andmyinvitationforyouistotapdeeplyintothattruthandseewhathappens.

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter2:SpiritualDisconnection

ReadingfromchaptertwoofConsciousRecovery“Iamwholeandperfectineveryway.”Fromaspiritualperspective,life’sjourneycanbeseenasanattempttoreclaimthistruth.Infact,evenouraddictionscanbearesultofourattemptsatrestoration.Evenouraddictionscancomeoutoftheattempttorestoretheconnectiontoourtruenature.Addictivebehavioriscategoricallyaresponsetothefeltsensethatsomethingisoutofbalance,thatwehaveforgottenouressentialself,forgottenthetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Inouraddictivebehavior,weareusuallylookingforsomethingoutsideofourselvestohelpusmanagesomethingthatfeelsdisturbedorbrokenwithin.It’sasolutiontotheproblemofthefragmentedself. InhisbookTheFourAgreements,DonMiguelRuiz introducesustotheconceptof“thedomesticationofthehuman”—theprocesswherebywereceivemessagesabout,inhiswords,“whoweshouldbe,whatweshouldn’tbe,whowe(are),andwhowe(are)not.”That’swhatI’mtalkingabouthereasspiritualdisconnection.It’stheseparationfromouressentialnature.ReleasingStatementIreleaseallideasoffearandseparation.AffirmingStatementIamworthyofloveandconnection.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisasittingmeditation.Iinviteyoutofindacomfortableplacetosit.Setatimerfor10minutes.Duringthis10minutes,simplybeawareoftheenergyfieldthatisatthecoreofyourbeing.Seeifyoucangetintouchwithanessentialselfthatisbeyondyourphysicality,thoughts,oremotions.Begentlewithyourself.Inthisexercise,youaresimplynoticing.Oncethetimersounds,checkinwithyourself.Whatareyounoticingaboutyourenergy?Isitlighter?Heavier?Whattoyoumakeofthat?Exercises1.RootofAddictionProcess:Getwithapartner ifyou’re inagroup(orsharewitha trusted friend)anddiscussyouranswers.Writeoutyouranswerstothefollowingquestions:

• Asanaddictedperson,whathaveyoudecidedis“wrong”withyou?• Howcouldyoureframethat?• Whatwouldhappenifyoudid?

• Whatisyouraddictionaresponseto?• Whatproblemisittryingtosolve?• What’srightaboutyou?• What’srightaboutyouraddiction?

2. Core False Beliefs Exercise: Discuss with a partner (or write out if you are alone) a situation that iscurrentlychallengingyou.Noticehowitfeels.Whataboutitissochallenging?Readthroughthefollowinglistofnegativebeliefsandnoticeifanyofthesearecontributingtothechallengeyouareexperiencing.Circleanyofthesebeliefsthatyouare,onsomelevel,holdingorbelievingaboutyourself.(Feelfreetoaddyourown.)I'mnotgoodenoughTheworldisanunsafeplaceIdon'tdeservetobe______(e.g.,happy)I'llneversucceedI'mallaloneintheworldNooneunderstandsmeNoonelovesme/willeverloveme/I'munlovablePeopleareagainstmeThereisn'tenoughtime,money,energy,etc.Lifeishard,astruggle,painandsufferingIhavetobeperfectI'llneveramounttoanythingI'llneverbehappyI'llneverhealfrommytraumaIhavetowinatallcostsIamaloserIamstupidIamnotworthy

IamnotlovableThere'ssomethingwrongwithmeInevergetitrightTheworld/lifeisunfairNow,tryrewordingthebeliefinamorerealisticorpositiveway(e.g.,“I'llneversucceed”couldberewordedtoacknowledgesuccessesyou'vealreadyhad;suchas,“I'vebeensuccessfulmanytimesbefore.”)Asksomeoneforhelpifyouhavetroublewiththis.Thennoticeiftherewordingchangesyourperspectiveonthesituation.3.StrategiesExploration:Writeoutyouranswerstothefollowingquestions:

• Whatcopingstrategiesdidyoulearnfromayoungagethatarenolongerworkingforyou?• Canyouacknowledgethebrilliancetheyoncewere?• Atwhatpointdidyouforgetthetruthofwhoandwhatyouare;yourperfectionandwholeness?• Whendidyoustarttoseekoutsideofyourselfforlove?

Now,readthroughwhatyouwrote.Setatimerforfourminutes.Meditateforthefourminutesonwhatyouwrote.Sitwithhowyouranswersfeel inyourbody.Noticeanythoughts,physicalsensations,andemotionsthatshowup.Oncethetimersounds,spendafewminuteswritingwhatcameupforyourduringthesilence.4.Break-upExercise:Asmentionedinthischapter,oftentimes,youraddictionhasbeenyourmostconsistent,long-term relationship. Have you ever viewed it that way? If so, are you ready to “break up” with youraddiction?Inthisexercise,I inviteyoutowriteagood-byelettertoyouraddiction,as if itwereabreak-upletter.Getcreativewiththis.Asyouwriteit,noticehowyoufeel.Whatarethethoughtsandfeelingsassociatedwiththeletter?Areyoureallyreadytobreakup?Ifnot,whatwouldittakeforyoutobeclearaboutthis?Onceyouhavewrittenyourletter,readitoutloudtoatrustedfriend,counselor,oranotherpersoninyoursupportnetwork.Ifyou’reinagroup,haveeachpersoninthegroupsharetheirlettersandgetfeedbackfromothergroupmembers.Onceyouhavereadyourletter,tearituporburnit(ifyoucanSAFELYdoso.)5.InnerResourcesActivity:Thiscanbewrittenoutifyouarealoneorsharedwithapartnerifyou’reinagroup.Thinkofatimewhensomeonesaidordidsomethingthathurtorupsetyou.Now,nameyouremotionalresponse to that.Howdid thesituationchange the relationship?Finally, see if youcan identify three innerresources that would help resolve the situation. Some examples of inner resources are: compassion,acceptance,trust,openheartedness,etc.Writethethreeinnerresourcesonanindexcardandtapeitsomeplaceyouwillseeitmultipletimesperday(onamirror,yourcomputerscreen,etc.)Note:Weoftenlookoutsideourselvesforsolutionstosituations,e.g.,“Ifshewouldonly…”or“Ifhewouldjuststop…”Thepurposeofthisexerciseistobegintostartfocusingonwhatwecanchangewithinourselvesandseewhathappens,ratherthanbelievingsomethingorsomeoneelseneedstochangeinorderforustobehappyorfree.

Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Whatisthemainstrategythatyouhavebeenusingtotrytofeelmoreconnected?2. Ortofeellesspain?3. Isthatstrategystillworking?4. Ifnot,areyoureadytomakeaconsciouschoicetomoveon?5. Inwhatwayshasyouraddictionbeena“brilliantstrategy?”6. Isthestrategystillbrilliant?7. Isitstillworkingasasolution?8. Whatnewstrategycouldyouemploytoaddressfeelingsoffragmentationandbrokenness?9. Whatwouldittaketoimplementthat?10. Inwhatwayshaveyoufunctionedfromavictimconsciousness?11. Whoorwhathaveyoublamedforyouraddictionorotherproblems?12. Inwhatwayshaveyousoughtforsolutionsorrelieffromoutsideyourself?13. Whathaveyoudecidedthatyouarepowerlessover?14. Isthatgenuinelytrue?15. Isthereanotherwaytolookatthat?16. Inwhatwayshaveyougottenstuck?17. Whathaveyoushutdown?18. Whathaveyouclosedoff?19. Inwhatwayshaveyourfalsebeliefsimpactedyouraddictionandvice-versa?20. Whatwouldittaketobefree?

ChapterThree

ToxicShame

Thefirstelementofshameresilienceisrecognizingshameandunderstandingourtriggers.Menandwomenwhoareresilienttoshamehavethiscapacity.Thisenablesthemtorespondtoshamewithawarenessand

understanding.Whenwecan’trecognizeshameandunderstandourtriggers,shameblindsidesus.Itwashesoverus,andwewanttoslinkawayandhide.Incontrast,ifwerecognizeourshametriggers,wecanmakemindful,thoughtfuldecisionsabouthowwe’regoingtorespondtoshame—beforewedosomethingthatmightmakethingsworse.Shamehasphysicalsymptoms.Thesemightincludeyourmouthgettingdry,timeseemingtoslowdown,yourheartracing,twitching,lookingdownandtunnelvision.Thesesymptomsaredifferentfromonepersontothenext.Soifyoulearnyourphysicalsymptoms,youcanrecognizeshameandgetbackonyourfeet

faster.

―BrenéBrown

WhatIsToxicShame?Aswe’veseen,aspiritualperspectiveprovidesuswithabroadviewofaddictionandrecovery.Manyofus,evenifwe’reinrecoveryorarenotactivelyaddictedtoasubstancelikealcoholordrugs,experienceanaddictiontooutercircumstances,toanouter-focusedlife.Therefore, it isimportanttoadoptaspiritualapproachtoourhealing,alongwithphysical,mental,andemotionalperspectives.Aspiritualapproachhelpsusidentifywhatliesattherootofouraddiction.Takingthisspiritualperspective,weseethat forpeoplewhostruggle long-termwithanaddiction, therootcausesarethree-fold:unresolvedtrauma,spiritualdisconnection,andtoxicshame.Welookedatunresolvedtraumainchapter1,anddisconnectionandfragmentationinchapter2.Inthischapter,we'regoingtobetalkingabouttoxicshameandhowashame-basedexperienceandashame-basedlifecanleadtoaddictioninallitsvariousforms.We’lllookatthedistinctionbetweenshameandguilt,andwe’llalsoconsidertheimportanceoflanguageinframingourreality.InhisbookHealingtheShameThatBindsYou,JohnBradshawwrites:“Toxicallyshamedpeopletendtobecomemoreandmorestagnantaslifegoeson.Theyliveinaguarded,secretive,anddefensiveway.Theytrytobemorethanhuman—perfectandcontrolling—or less thanhuman—losing interest inor stagnated in someaddictivebehavior.”Doesthissoundfamiliar?Whatistoxicshame?Howcanwerecognizeitinourselves?Quitesimply,shameisasenseofbrokenness,asense that “something is deeply, fundamentally, inherentlywrongwithme.”BrenéBrown, asmanyof youknow,isanincrediblewriterandresearcherwhostudiesvulnerabilityandshame.InoneofherTEDTalks,shedescribesshameinthisway:“Shamedrivestwobigtapes:‘Nevergoodenough,’andifyoucantalkitoutofthatone,‘Whodoyouthinkyouare?’”

Guiltvs.ShameOnewaytothinkaboutshameistocompareitwithguilt.Withguilt,webelievewehavedonesomethingwrong,orsomething thatwebelieve iswrong.Withguilt,wecansay, “I’msorry—Imadeamistake.”Withshame,however,there’sabeliefthatweareamistake,wearewrong.Thewayweworkwithguiltisverydifferentthanthewayweworkwithshame,becausewhenwearecomingfromaplaceofguilt—meaningthatwehavedonesomethingthatwefeeliswrong—wecantrytoremedythesituationinonewayoranother.Guiltisgenerallyaboutabehavior,anditgetsfixedbehaviorally.Shameissomethingdeeper,morerootedinwhowebelieveweare.Andrelinquishingitrequiresdeeper,moreinternalwork.It’seasytoconfuseguiltwithshame.Aspartofyourrecoveryprogram,youmightgooutandmakeamendstosomeonebutthenfeelworseafterward,becauseintakingabehavioralapproachyouareonlyclearinguptheguilt,butmightnotaddresstheunderlyingshame.Thepotentialofthisprocessisitmayactuallyproducemoreshameandyoucouldevenbere-traumatizingyourself,becauseitcouldbringupthesedeeperfeelingsthatyouhave not worked through yet. If you haven’t done the work on shame that’s needed, and if you haven’taddressedthecorefalsebeliefthatyouarewrong,itwon’tbeenoughtoworkonyourguilt.Ofcourse,makingamendsisapowerful,spiritualpracticethatcanbringwonderfulresults,butit’salsoimportanttobeawareofthepossibilitythatthereisunderlyingshamewhichwillneedtobeaddressedaswell.Ifyourcorebeliefis“I’mnotlovable,”thenit’sonlynaturaltothinksomethinglike,“Ifonlythispersonwouldacceptmyamends,thenI’dbeOK,”or“IfonlyIcouldconvinceherI’mworthy,theneverythingwouldbefine.”Butifyoubelievethis,ifyoubelievetheamendsprocesswilleradicateyourshame,youmightbedisappointed.Simplyput,shamedoesn’tgetresolvedthatway.Thekeyhereistomaketheamendsforthesakeofmakingtheamends,ratherthanhopingyoufeelbetterindoingso.WorkingwithShameContinuingwiththecasestudyfromanearlierchapter:Aspartofhisrecovery,Jamesstartedtomakeamends.Oneofthefirstpeoplehewantedtomakeamendstowashisfather.Whentheymet,Jamesapologized:“I’msorryforallthethingsIhavedonewrong.”Hisfatherdidn’tsaymuchatthetime,butlaterJamesgotaletterfrom him that said, “Thank you so much; it’s great to have my son back.” Effective amends, right? Notnecessarily.Somehow,forJames,theamendsdidn’tbringthereliefhewashopingforandhewasleftfeelingconfusedandhurt.Althoughheknewhewassupposedtofocusonhis“sideofthestreet,”hecouldn’thelpbutwishthathisfatherhadmadeamends,too.Becauseofthisexpectation,andbecauseoftheunderlyingtoxicshame,hefeltre-wounded,andthenhejudgedhimselfforfeelingthatway.WhatJamesdidn’tunderstandisthatmuchofhisdeeplyrootedshamearosefromtherelationshipwithhisfather.Hehadpossiblymadeamendstooearly,beforehehadresolvedhistoxicshame.It’snotthatmakingamendswasthe“wrong”thingtodo;itdidmoveJamesalonginhisprocess.Itsimplywasn’tenough.Anotherimportantpointtoaddressisthis:Manytimeswewillhearpeoplesay,“IfeelsoashamedthatIdidthat.”The ideahere is thatwe feel shamebecauseofourbehavior. I actuallywant to introduceadifferentpossibility.Whatiftheshameactuallydrivesthebehavior,ratherthantheotherwayaround?Inmyexperience,whenweareholdingadeepsenseofshameaboutourselves,ourbehaviorcomesasaresultofthatshame.Simplysaid,“hurt”people“hurt”people.Andthenthe“shameful”behaviorbringsonevenmoreshame.Thisiswhatwerefertoasashamespiral.

SourcesofToxicShameMostpeopleexperiencesomeshame,butsomeofushavetoxicshame.Shamebecomestoxicovertimeaswecontinuetobelievewearedamagedandbroken.Someofusbelievedeeplythatthereissomethingessentiallywrongwithus—thatis,there’snowaytofixthebrokennessbecauseit’spartofwhoweare.Andthegreaterthetoxicshame,thegreateritscorrelationwithaddiction.Howdoesthishappen?Rememberthefourroomsof theselfasdescribed in the introduction—physical,mental,emotional,andspiritual?Well, simplystated,whenwehearrepeatednegativemessagesinanyoftheseaspectsofself,wecanpickupandinternalizethemascorebeliefsaboutourselves,beliefsthatarenottrue,atleastnottheultimatetruthofwhoweare.Toxicshame,forthemostpart,getscreatedquiteearlyinlife,ofteninabrokenfamilysystemwherethereisarepeatedmessagethatwearenotgoodenoughorthere'ssomethingwrongwithus.Thissortofmessagecomestomanychildrenearlyinlife,butnotallofthemdeveloptoxicshame.It’swhenweheararepeatedmessagethat there is somethingwrongwith us, whenwe receive thismessage repeatedly in the physical,mental,emotional,and/orspiritualrealm,thatwebegintotakeonanidentityofbrokenness.Itmayalsobethatcertainpeoplearemoresensitivetoidentity-buildingmessagesthanothers.Whateverthecase, ifwedeveloptoxicshametheneventuallywedon’tevenneedtohearthosemessagesanymorebecausewehavebecomesoadeptatrepeatingthemtoourselves.Wehaveinternalizedthenegativevoicesandhavebecomeperpetuatorsofourowntoxicshame.AnotherBrenéBrowninsightisinstructivehere:“Threethingsallowtoxicshametothriveandbecomethewayweseeourselves:secrecy,silence,andjudgment.”Oftenpeoplewithtoxicshamecomefromfamiliesthatcarryabigsecret,aboutwhicheveryoneissilent.Ifafamily’ssecrethasnurturedatoxicsenseofshame,thenthelastthinganyonewillwanttodoisbringthatsecretintothelight.Sotherewehavesecrecyandsilence.Thirdly,there’sjudgment.Toxicshamethrivesinanenvironmentwherepeoplearenotseenforwhotheyare,perfectandworthyoflove,butareconstantlyjudgedforwhotheyarenot,forstandardsthattheyfailtomeet.Ifweliveinanatmosphereofjudgment,thentheneedforsilenceandsecrecyonlybecomesgreater,becausewewillneverfeelsafeenoughtopresentorevencomprehendourauthenticselves.TheImpactofToxicShameSo,whatdoestoxicshamedotous?Whyisitsuchadestructivething?First,there’saphysicalconsequence.Ourperspectiveonlifeandthefeelingtoneweareholdingaboutourselvesaffectourhealthinmanyways.Ourcorebeliefsaffectnotonlythewayweseeourselvesandtheworld,butalsoaffectourcentralnervoussystem.There’sacorrelationbetween toxicshameandrealdiagnosable illness:notonlyaddiction,butdepression,anxietysyndromes,eatingdisorders,andthelike.Whenapersonhasanidentityofbrokenness,itcancreateillnessnotonlyintheiremotionalandspirituallives,butintheirphysicallivesaswell.Toxicshamecanleadtoliteralcanceranddiseaseinallforms.Anotherresultoftoxicshame,andofthesecrecy,silence,andjudgmentthatallowittothrive,isthatitdrivespeopletotrytofixorhidetheiressentialbrokennesswithallsortsofunhealthybehaviors.Whenthereisasenseofbrokennessinternally,weoftenlookincessantlyforsomethingoutsideourselvestoassuagethepainofthatbrokennessortoatleastmakesurenooneelsecanseeit.Thus,ifapersonhasanunhealthysenseofselfandtheircorefalsebeliefis“I’mnotlovable,”thenheorshemayverywellbecomeobsessedwithfindinganimpeccablerelationship.Ifthecorefalsebeliefis“I’mnotgoodenough,”thenthepersonmaybecomeanoverachiever.Ifyourcorefalsebeliefis“I’mnotsafe,”thenyoumayalways be searching for stability and security. You may spend your whole life building walls, literal andfigurative,inanattempttofeelsafer.Thisexternalsearchforsolutionsdoesn’thavetobeconscious;asamatter

offact,it’susuallyunconscious.Butit’sthere,anunending,insatiableneedthatyoucan’tstoptryingtosatisfyeventhoughyou’llneverbeableto,atleastnotfromtheoutside.Anotherconsequenceoftoxicshameisthatit’scontagious.Itgetsprojectedoutward.So,whenwebelievethatthere'ssomethingwrongwithwhoandwhatweare,we’regoingtoprojectthatoutintotheworld.We’regoingtobegintoexperiencetheworldasbrokensimplybecausethat'swhatwebelieveaboutourselves.Peoplewithtoxicshamebegintoseethatbrokennesseverywhereintheirexternalrealityforthesimplereasonthatpeopletendtoseewhattheyexpecttosee.Weunconsciouslylongforthebrokennessinotherpeopleandsituations.TheImportanceofLanguageThistendencytoseewhatyouexpecttosee,toprojectyourcorebeliefsoutward,isverypowerfullymanifestinwhatyousay,inyourwords.So,ifyou’rewalkingaroundbelieving,“Iamamess”or“Iamaloser,”or“Iamunattractive,” then chances are youwill also say these things, in oneway or another. And the very act ofverbalizingthisfalsebeliefreinforcesthosefundamentalliesaboutwhoandwhatyouare.Andofcourse,fromthere,thetendencyistoseekreliefinalltypesofunhealthyexternalbehaviors.Therefore,it’simportanttorecognizethepoweroflanguage,specificallythepowerofthe“Iam.”Whatyouattachyour“Iam”toisquitepowerful.Everytimeyousay(orthink),“Iam_______(adrunk,boring,stupid,etc.),”youreinforcealieaboutyourself. Inmy counselingwork,when I can help someonemove from “I am” to “I have,” there is often apowerfulshift.Forexample,someyearsagomyfriendGavintoldmethathehadbeensaying“Iamdepressed”foralongtimeandhadrecentlycometorealizewhathewassaying.Oncehenoticedthis,healsorealizedthatthemorehecontinuedtobelieveandexpressthebelief,“Iamdepressed,”themoredepressedhefelt.Butwhenheshiftedtosaying“Ihavedepression”or“Ifeeldepressed,”everythingbegantochange.Hewasabledrawtheimportantdistinction between being depressed and having the experience of depression. Saying “I have depression”allowedhimtostarttoseethedepressionassomethingnonessentialandchangeable,ratherthanassomethingfundamentaltohisidentity.Thisopenedhimuptohisessentialself,histrueself,whichwasn’tdepressed.Thistrueselfwasbeyondthesymptomsofdepression.Gavin’sstoryhadaprofoundimpactonmeanddramaticallyshiftedthewayIwork.Istartedtoworkonhelpingpeopleshiftfromstatementslike:“Iamanaddict,”“Iambroken,”“Iamdamagedinsomeway,”to“Ihavethesethingsaboutmyselfthatwanttobehealed.”Aprofoundhealingrealizationcanhappenwhenwemakethatshiftbecauseforthefirsttimewehaveidentifiedthetruthofwhoandwhatwearenotasbrokenness,butassomethingelse,somethingmorepositiveandpowerful.Inotherwords,whenwecanfinallyshinesomelightonourinnerdialogueandwitnessthattheseseeminglybrokenportionsofourselvesarenotessential,butarechangeable,thenwecanstarttoopentothepossibilitythatourtrueselfissomethingmuchmoreprofoundlybeautifulandwhole.Myinvitationtoyoutodayistotakeamomentandreallyaskyourself,“HowamIspeakingtomyself?WhatamIattachingmy‘Iam’to?”Myhopeisthatitwillbepossibletoshiftthatlanguagetosomethingthat’smoreaccurate,andthatthedistinctionthatthiscreateswillmakefurtherroomforwhatyougenuinelyare:“Iamwholeandperfect;Iamlove;Iamlovable.”We’lllookatthisprocessfurtherinchapter5,“Unlearning.”Fornow,justimaginewhatmighthappenifyouweretoshiftthisfocusfromsomethingthatseemsbrokenaboutyourselfintosomethingthatsupportsyourwholenessandhealing.

PainandSufferingPainseemstobeapartofthehumanexperience.Naturally,mostofusprefertofeelloved,safe,andconnectedratherthansad,lonely,orafraid.Butthelatterfeelingsseemtobeapartoflife.InBuddhism,theFirstNobleTruthstatesthat:“Paininlifeisinevitablebutsufferingisnot.Painiswhattheworlddoestoyou,sufferingiswhatyoudotoyourself.Painisinevitable,sufferingisoptional.”Sufferingisoptionalbecauseitistheresultofhowwedealwithorprocesstheexperienceofpain.Painandpleasureareinthebody.Sufferingisinthemind.Onerootcauseofsufferingisresistingpainandattachingtopleasure.Anotherisclingingtotheideathatthingsintheexternalworldneedtolookorbeacertainway.Painisaninternalnavigationalsystem,informingusthatsomethingneedsourattention.Ifweresistorignorethe sounding of pain’s guidance, we prolong it and create unnecessary suffering. In fact, when we resistanythingthatishappeninginourinternalorexternalexperience,wecreateunnecessarysuffering.Whenwerefuse to let goofwhatno longer servesapurpose inour lives, clinging towhatoncewas,we also createunnecessarysuffering.Sufferingceaseswhenwebringourselvesintofullalignmentwithwhatis,trustingtheunfoldingoflifemomenttomoment.Sufferingceaseswhenwestopresistinginevitableouterchange.For,nomatterwhathappens,wepossessthecreativepowerwithinustopickourselvesupandcontinueinthedirectionofourheart’sdesires.Sufferingceaseswhenwearewillingtofullyacceptthewholegamutofouremotions,withoutjudgment.Forwhenweallowourselvestofully feelwhatwefeel,weunderstandthatemotionsexistasawaveofenergymovingthroughus,andaretemporary.Sufferingceaseswhenwearewillingtoreleasewhatnolongerservesus,eventhoughitpreviouslyhadpurposeinourlives,knowingthatlifewillbringuswhatweneed,whenweneedit.ActivatingEmpathyAnotherincredibletoolforallowingustoopenandmovebeyondshameisempathy.Empathyisoneantidotetothecorrosiveimpactofshame.Forshamelivesintheshadow,itthrivesonsecrecyandjudgmentinaworldwherewebelievethatwearebrokenbutthateveryoneelseisfine.Shamesays,“IfIletyouseetherealme,youwilllaughatme,leaveme,hurtme,etc.”Butempathybreaksthroughthesefalsehoods.Empathyshowsusthatweliveinacommunityofpeoplewithsimilarexperiences.Tobeempathetic,tosay,“Yes,Ihonoryourfeelings.Ihavealsohadthatstruggle,”requiresthecouragetobegenuineandtoletothersseewhat’sactuallyhappeningwithus.Andtheamazingthingisthatpeoplerespondtothis.Empathyandauthenticityarecloselylinked.Authenticityispowerfulbecauseit’sexpansive—whenyou’reabletobeauthentic,otherstendtorelatetothatand,inturn,theyletyouseethem.Thetruthendsupbeingtheoppositeofourcorefalsebelief:it’snot“IfIletyouseetherealme,youwillleave,”but“IfIletyouseetherealme,youwilloftenletmeseetherealyou.”Beforeyoucanrevealyourauthenticself,youfirstneedtofeelsafeinyourownskin.So,myinvitationtoyouisthis:Ifyouarewalkingaroundwithasenseofbrokenness,ifyouarewalkingaroundwithasensethatthereissomethingessentiallywrongwithyou,Iwanttoencourageyouright now to think aboutwhat safetymight lookor feel like to you.We’llworkon thismore in chapter 4,“CreatingSafety,”butfornowjuststarttoplaywiththepossibilitythatthere’sasafeplaceforyouthatwillhelpyoushowtheworldyourrealself.

BringingShameintotheLightInthischapter,we’velookedatoneoftherootsofaddiction:toxicshame.Aswehaveseen,toxicshamecomesoutofcorefalsebeliefsaboutourselves,nurturedinsilence,secrecy,andjudgment.Initiallythesebeliefsmayhavefunctionedtoprotectusortomakesenseoftheworld,butatsomepoint,theystoppedworking,leadingonlytothiscripplingbeliefinourfundamentalbrokenness.Wecanstartmovingawayfromtoxicshamebybeingconsciousofourself-definitions,bylookingforwaystoshiftthemtothepositive,andbycreatingsafeplacesfromwhichtonurtureourtrue,authenticselves.Forme,thespiritualjourneytorecoveryisnotaboutlearning—it'saboutunlearning.Unlearningallthosefalsebeliefs and ideas thatwe've collectedaboutourselvesand theworld.On the spiritual journey,wecome torecognizethatsubconsciousthoughtsdonothavetoruntheshow.Werecognizethatwecanbringourfalsebeliefsintoconsciousawareness,andwecanworkwithshamebynurturingasafespaceinwhichtobringitoutoftheshadow.Thisisnotajourneythatstarts,orends,whenwegetsober.Itstartsyearsearlier,beforeweacceptedanyofthesefalsebeliefs,backwhenwewereyoungchildren,filledwithwonder.Youwereonceawholeandperfectchild.Andtoreclaimthetruthsthatyouwerebornwith,togenuinelyseeyourselfaswholeandperfect,itwillhelptopracticelookingwithinatwhatyourcorefalsebeliefsare.I knowwithmywhole being that you can break free of this. Understanding the three roots of addiction,unresolved trauma, spiritual disconnection, and toxic shame, is the first step in restoring your trueknowledge—thatyouarefundamentallywholeandperfectandonewithSpirit.You’vecomealongway.Now,inpart2, I inviteyoutoexplorehowtobreakthecycleofaddictionthroughthestepswe’veoutlinedhere:creatingsafety,unlearning,andpracticingspiritualprinciples.

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter3:ToxicShame

ReadingfromchapterthreeofConsciousRecoveryToxicshame,forthemostpart,getscreatedquiteearlyinlife,ofteninabrokenfamilysystemwherethereisarepeatedmessagethatwearenotgoodenoughorthere'ssomethingwrongwithus.Thissortofmessagecomestomanykidsearlyinlife,butnotallofthemdeveloptoxicshame.It’swhenweheararepeatedmessagethatthereissomethingwrongwithus,whenwereceivethismessagerepeatedlyinthephysical,mental,emotional,and/orspiritualrealm,thatwebegintotakeonanidentityofbrokenness.Itmayalsobethatcertainpeoplearemoresensitiveto identity-buildingmessagesthanothers.Whateverthecase, ifwedeveloptoxicshametheneventuallywedon’tevenneed tohear thosemessagesanymorebecausewehavebecomesoadeptatrepeatingthemtoourselves.Wehaveinternalizedthenegativevoicesandhavebecomeperpetuatorsofourowntoxicshame.ReleasingStatementIletgooftheideathatIambroken.AffirmingStatementIamwholeandperfectineveryway.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisanawarenessmeditation.Setatimerfor10minutes(oryoucanadjustthetimeinwhateverwayfeelsrightforyouinthismoment).Nowfindaquietplacetosit.Duringtheallottedtime,theinvitationistosimplynoticethoughtsandfeelings.Canyouidentifyanyfeelingsofshame?Isthereathoughtattachedtothefeeling?Whathappenswhenyouallowyourselftofeelit?Doesitintensifyordiminish?Whathappens when you question the thought? Once the timer sounds, take some time to write about yourexperience.Exercises1.GuiltandShameExercise:“Withguilt,wehavedonesomethingthatwebelieveis‘wrong.’Withguilt,wecansay,‘I’msorry—Imadeamistake,’andwecanrectifythesituation.Withshame,however,there’sabeliefthatweareamistake,wearewrong.”Writedown5thingsyoufeelguiltyabout.Nowwriteoutyouranswerstothesequestions(orgetwithapartneranddiscussifyou’reinagroup):

• Haveyoucometoanyconclusionsaboutyourselfbasedonthisbehavior?• Haveyouturnedtheguiltintoshame?• Whatwouldbeadifferentwaytolookatit?(Forexample,ratherthansaying,“I’materribleperson

forgettinghookedondrugs,”youcouldsay,“IdidthebestIcouldatthetimewiththelimitedtoolsIhadavailable.”)

• Isitpossibletheshamecreatedthebehavior,ratherthanthebehaviorcreatingtheshame?(Ifyou’rehavingtroublewiththis,askyourpartnerorafriendtogiveyouanotherperspective.)

2.PainandSufferingMethod:“Sufferingisoptionalbecauseitistheresultofhowwedealwithorprocesstheexperienceofpain.Painandpleasureareofthebody,sufferingisinthemind.Onerootcauseofsufferingisresistingpain.Anotherisclingingtotheideathatthingsintheexternalworldneedtolookorbeacertainway.”Pickasituationthat’sbeenpainfulinyourlife.

• Whatisthestoryyou’retellingyourselfaboutthesituation?• Doesthatstorycausesuffering,andifso,inwhatway?• Whathaveyoubeeninresistancetothathascreatedsufferingaroundthat?• Whatifratherthanresistingthatwhichwecallpainwecouldseeifthere’samessagethere?• What’sthemessage?

3.ShameBasedBehaviorTechnique:“Toxicallyshamedpeopletendtobecomemoreandmorestagnantaslifegoeson.Theyliveinaguarded,secretive,anddefensiveway.Theytrytobemorethanhuman—perfectandcontrolling—or less thanhuman—losing interest inor stagnated in someaddictivebehavior.”Writeoutyouranswerstothesequestions(orgetwithapartneranddiscussifyou’reinagroup):

• Whatdoesthisquotemeantoyou?• Doyourelatetoit?• Inwhatwayshaveyoulivedinguarded,secretiveordefensiveways?• Inwhatwayscanyourelatetothe“morethanorlessthanhuman”portionofthequote?• Haveyouevertriedtocoverupshamebytryingtocontrolyourlifeorthelifeofanother?

4.ToxicShameProcess:“Threethingsallowtoxicshametothriveare:secrecy,silence,andjudgment.”Writeoutyouranswerstothesequestions(orgetwithapartneranddiscussifyou’reinagroup):

• Howhavethesethreeelementsshownupforyouandwhateffecthavetheyhad?• Whatelsecouldyouchooseinstead?• “Welookincessantlyforsomethingoutsideourselvestoassuagethepainofthatbrokenness.”Whatdoes

thisstatementmeantoyou?• Haveyoulookedexternallytocopewiththepainofyourshame?• Whathasthatbeenlikeforyou?

5.TurningitOverPractice:Getablankpieceofpaperandmakeadotinthecenterofthepage.Nowdrawalargecirclearoundtheoutsideofthepaper.Make“spokes”thatconnectthedotwiththecircle.Oneachofthe

spokes,writesomethingthatistroublingyou.Thiscouldbeaperson’sname,orasituationthatiscurrentlydifficultforyou.Onceyouhavefilledupthepage,dothefollowing:Ifyouareinagroup,standinfrontofthegroupandsay:“ThesearethesituationsinmylifeIamreadytorelease.Iamnowchoosingtoletgooftryingtocontrolthem.”Useyourownlanguage.Onceyouhavereadthemall,tearupthepaperanddisposeofit.YoumightwanttoburnitifyouhaveaSAFEwaytodoso.Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Whataresomeexamplesofwhenyou’vefeltguilt?2. Whataresomeexamplesofwhenyou’vefeltshame?3. What’sthedifference?4. Doyouhavetoxicshame?5. Wherediditcomefrom?6. Whatcorebeliefisatitsroot?7. Whateffecthasithadonyou?8. Howinthepasthaveyoutriedtomanageanyshameyoumayhave?9. Hasthatworkedforyou?10. Whatelsecouldyoudoinstead?11. Lookatthelanguageyouusetotalktoyourself.Ask,“HowamIspeakingtomyself?12. WhatamIattachingmy‘Iam’to?”13. Andisitpossibletoshiftthatlanguageintosomethingthat’smoretrueandmoreaccurate?14. Forexample,“Iamwholeandperfect;Iamlove;Iamlovable?”15. Whatdoesbeingauthenticmeantoyou?16. Isiteasyforyoutobeauthenticorisitdifficult?Whatmakesitso?17. Whatdoessafetylookorfeelliketoyou?18. Whatforyouhasbeenthedifferencebetweenpainandsuffering(ifany)?19. Howhasyourshamecreatedsuffering?20. Whatwouldittaketochangethat?

Part2

BreakingtheCycleofAddiction

InPart1ofthisbook,welookedattherootsofaddiction:unresolvedtrauma,spiritualdisconnection,andtoxicshame.Inthenextthreechapters,we’regoingtoexplorehowtobreakthecycleofaddictionwhichresultsfromourlossofconnection,fromthecore

falsebeliefsborneoftraumathatcreatedtoxicshame.

Chapter4willfocusoninnerandoutersafety:whythisinnerworkrequiresaspaceofsafetyandwayswecancreatethosespaces.It

alsoaddressestheimportanceofself-loveandacceptance.

Chapter5willdelvedeeperintotheprocessofunlearning:uncoveringourcorefalsebeliefstoseewhatliesbeneaththeminordertolivemoredeeplyinthetruthofwhoandwhatweare.

Chapter6willintroducesomespiritualprinciplesandpracticesthatcanhelpusbreakthecycleofaddictionandthelimitedandlimiting

waysweseetheworld.

ChapterFour

CreatingSafety

Mycomingtofaithdidnotstartwithaleapbutratheraseriesofstaggersfromwhatseemedlikeonesafeplacetoanother.Likelilypads,roundandgreen,theseplacessummonedandthenheldmeupwhileIgrew.EachpreparedmeforthenextleafonwhichIwouldland,andinthiswayImovedacrosstheswampofdoubtand

fear.

―AnneLamottTobreakfreefromthecycleofaddictionweneedtoconnectwithandrecognizethetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Thisprocessinvolvesadeeplookinward,aswelovinglyidentifyandunlearnthecorefalsebeliefsthatarekeeping us from seeing ourselves as whole and perfect. Looking inward and letting go can be daunting,especiallyifpartofourstrategyforsurvivalhasbeentofreezeourinnerlife.So,westartbycreatingsafety,developingasafespacefromwhichtodothisdeeperworkofinnerclearing.Creatingsafetymeansopeningour hearts, practicing self-love and acceptance, rebuilding trust, creating and honoring community, andnurturingconsciousawareness.Itmaynotseemeasytoshiftourperspectivesinthisway,butit’sincrediblyrewarding.Whenwecancreateastrongfoundationofsafety,ourinnerworkandspiritualpracticestakeontransformativemeaningandpower.That’swhycreatingsafetyistheimportantfirststepinConsciousRecovery.CreatingExternalSafetyBeforeweexploremethodstobeginbreakingthecycleofaddictiveanddestructivebehavior,Iwanttomakeclear the importanceofexternal safety. Inessence,external safetymeansbeingsafe fromphysical,mental,emotional, and spiritualharm, and creatinganencouragingnetworkof support.External safety is the firstpriority.Itiswisetoensureourbasicphysicalsafety,forexample,beforeundertakingthedeeperworkthatthischapterdescribes.Thismightinvolvechangingourlivingsituationtobefreeofanunhealthyrelationship,ortonotbesurroundedbypeoplewhocouldbedetrimentaltoourrecovery,likesomeonewhoisactiveinanaddiction. One example of this is that many people choose to live in a sober living environment in earlyrecovery.Wecanlookatexternalsafetyfromtheperspectiveofeachofthefourrooms—physical,mental,emotional,andspiritual.Inthephysicalroomistherelationshipwithyourbodyanditsinteractionwiththephysicalworld.Inthisroom,recoveryinvolvescreatingexternalsafetyfromanykindofinstability.Thementalroomhousesyourthoughtsandideas,theassumptionsandexpectationsthatshapeyourperspectiveontheworld.Recoveryinthisroominvolvescreatingasafespacetoexamineyourinnerdialogue,thewaysyoudescribeyourselfandtheworld.Thismaybeatreatmentprogram,atrustedcounselor,oranothertypeofsupportgroup.Recoveryintheemotionalroom,theseatoffeeling,andinthespiritualroom,whereweconnectwithourinnermostselfandwiththeSourcethatlieswithinallreality,requiresamoreinternalprocessofcreatingsafety,butalsooftenrequiresanexternalstructureaswell,suchasasupportivecommunity,whichwillbediscussedinmoredetaillaterinthischapter.

Therestofthischapterwillfocusprimarilyoninternalsafety.Thediscussionofsafetyhereassumesthatyourexternalsituationisstableandthatyou’reexternallysafe.Ifyou’renotsafeexternally—ifyou’reinaviolentrelationship, if you are feeling suicidal, if you’re struggling with stable housing, if you’re in any waythreatened—pleasefocusonyouroverallexternalwell-beingfirst.Itisimportanttofeelsupportedandstableenoughtoexploretheinnerworkthatrecoveryrequires.Asamatteroffact,Idonotrecommendyouproceedthroughtherestofthisbookuntilyouhaveadegreeofexternalsafety.MaintaininganOpenHeartIntheprefaceofthisbookIdescribedapivotalexperiencefrommychildhood:atthedinnertableonenight,when I feltmyself physically closing off, shuttingdown, andbuildingwalls aroundmyheart. Thiswasmysurvivalinstinctkickingin—Ishutdowntoprotectmyselffromaseeminglythreateningworldthatfeltlikeitwasbecomingtoodangerous.Youmightrecallasimilarexperienceinyourownlife.AsIstatedpreviously,thisclosingoffwasabrilliantstrategyatthetimebecauseitliterallysavedmylife.Butlivingwithaclosedheartisnotaneffective long-termsolution.Iclosedmyheartofftoprotectmyself,butthatalsoclosedmeoff fromexperiencingloveandconnection,whichiswhatweallseemtodesire.So,evenasIwasyearningtoconnect,Iwasclosingmyselfofffromconnection.Iwasunconsciouslychoosingtheso-calledsecurityofisolationoverthedeepersafetyofjoy,loveandconnection.Livingfor longwithaclosedheart ispainfulandexhausting—becausewe’renotbuilt tothrivein isolation,we’renotdesignedtoliveintheworldcutofffromloveandconnection.Forme,lifebecamesopainfulthatItriedtoeasemysufferingthroughalcoholanddrugs.Theyworkedforawhile,buteventuallystoppedservingtheirpurposeandbecameaddictive.What Ineededthenwastounlearnthestrategiesthatwereno longerworkingsoIcouldopenmyheart,onceagain.There’saparadoxhere.Wetrytomakeourselvessecurebyclosingourselvesoff,puttingupwallsandbarriers,hidingourpainandevenouressentialselvesintheshadow.Whilethatmayworkatfirst,ultimatelythisstrategydoesn’tmakeussafe.Itreachesitslimits,leavingusfeelingcut-offandalone.So,thefirststeptowardtruesafetyisrecognizinghowwehaveshutdown.Thenwecanmakeaconsciouschoicetobegintoopenup.Formanyofus,theshuttingdownisnotaconsciouschoice.Instead,it’sadeeplyunconsciousreactiontowhatwe’reexperiencingaboutourselvesandourworld.WhenIhadthatexperienceofclosingoffatageseven,Ididn’tconsciouslyknowwhathadjusthappenedinmylife.Myfeelingtonewasoneofbrokenness,inotherwords,Iwasholdingtheenergyofshame.Ididmakethedecisiontoshutdown,butIdidsounconsciously,without understanding what I was undertaking or what the consequences would be. So, when I got intorecoveryandcameintometaphysicalteachings,itwasimportantformetorecognizethat,onanunconsciouslevel,Ihadmadethisdecisiontocloseoff,toshutdownandkeeppeopleaway,tocreatewhatIthoughtwassafety.CreatingInternalSafetyAsmyexperienceillustrates,we’vegotitbackwardswhenwethinkweneedtokeeppeopleatanemotionaldistancetohavesafety.Truesafetygetscreatednotbyclosingourselvesoff,butbyopeningourhearts,andbeingwillingtoconnectwithcompassionatepeoplewhosupportourrecovery.Thiscanpossiblybechallengingifwehaveadeeplyheldunconsciousstrategyofkeepingpeopleatadistance.This“distancekeeping”mayhelpustofeelsafe,butisitreallyworking?Movingfromanunconsciousclosingofftoaconsciousopeningofourheartsisanimportantstep.It’sanongoingexperience—momentbymomentwemakethedecisiontomaintain

ourinnervulnerability,toopenupandexperienceeverythingwe’reuncovering.Buddhistteacherandauthor,PemaChödrön,statesthissobeautifully:“Theonlyreasonwedon'topenourheartsandmindstootherpeopleisthattheytriggerconfusioninusthatwedon'tfeelbraveenoughorsaneenoughtodealwith.Tothedegreethatwelookclearlyandcompassionatelyatourselves,wefeelconfidentandfearlessaboutlookingintosomeoneelse'seyes.”Thatprocesslooksdifferentforeveryone.Itmaycomethroughcounseling;itmaycomethroughbeingapartofaspiritualcommunity.Inwhateverwayyouaccomplishthis,myinvitationforyouistolookwithinandaskthesequestions:“AmIopen?AmIreceptive?Ismyheartopentothisconnection?AmIopentothismiraculouswayofbeingthatisallaroundme,andcertainlywithinme?”DevelopingSelf-LoveTounlearnourcorefalsebeliefs,tolookinwardatwhatiskeepinguslockedinunhealthypatterns,weneedtocreatesafespacesforourselves,correct?Butthiscanbeproblematicformanyofuswhoarestrugglingwithaddiction,inpartbecauseofthewayweperceiveourselvesandreality.Wemighthabituallyviewourselvesintermsof“right”and“wrong;”perhapswethinkrecoveryisaboutfixingourselves.Butthisjudgingapproachdoeslittletohelpuscreatesafety.Peopledon’toftenfeelsafewhentheyarejudged;theyfeelsafewhentheyare loved and accepted. Deep inner change comes not from identifying what needs to be fixed, but fromidentifyingwhat’sinthewayofournaturalexperienceoftheloveweare.TheSufipoetRumistatesitthisway:“Yourtaskisnottoseekforlove,butmerelytoseekandfindallthebarrierswithinyourselfthatyouhavebuiltagainstit.”Manyofusbelieveouraddictionistheproblem.Wedon’tlikehowaddictionmakesusfeelorbehave,sowethinkthatonceweletgooftheaddiction,theproblemwillbesolved.Webreaktheaddictivehabitbecausewethinktheaddictioniswrong.Whenwestartlookingaround,wecanseethatmuchofthewaytheworldhasbeenstructuredisbasedonthisapproach:identifyingtheproblemandremovingorsolvingit.Wecanseethisapproachintheworkplace.Weseeitintheeducationalsystemandingovernment,weseeitinthewesternmedicalmodel,whichasks,“What’sthesymptom?Howdowegetridofit?”Andofcourse,weseeitinrecoverymodelsthat,ineffect,identifytheaddictionastheproblem,andtheaddictas“wrong.”This perspective—that the addiction is the problem—has broader implications as well. When we treataddictionastheproblem,whatwe’reultimatelydoingissupportingaworldviewthatsaysthewaytogrowandimproveistosay,“What’swronghere?”andthenfixit.Thismeansthatifwewanttorecover,thenweneedtobeself-critical.“Ifwecanjustidentifywhat’swrong,ifwecanjustfixcertainthingsaboutourselves,thenwecanchange.”Again,thisdefinesthepersonwhohasanaddictionasbrokeninsomeway.Doesthisperspectiveworkinthelongrun?Itmayworkforawhile,andofcourseatcertainpointsinourrecoverywedoneedtoidentifythingswewanttochange.However,ifwemaintainthisperspectivelong-term,wewillquitepossiblycontinuetounconsciouslycreatemorebrokennessinourlives.OvercomingSelf-CriticismOftenwhenweremovetheaddictivebehavior,whatisleftisthepainanddisconnectionthatbroughtaboutthebehaviorinthefirstplace.Andeventually,lookingataddictionassomethingwrongorlookingatthepersonwho is in an addiction as broken in somewaywill only concretize the core false beliefs that underlie theaddiction. Self-criticism is limited. It candeteriorateour self-worth and efficacy. Ifwe're lookingprimarily

through the lens of self-criticism rather than the lens of self-love,we can get stuck in a repetitive cycle ofaddiction.Habitualself-judgmentreinforcesone’sbeliefinabrokenself.Thespiritualperspectiveallowsustorecognizethatouraddictivebehavior,whateveritis,hasbeenasolution,astrategyforaddressingsomethingthatfeelsdamagedwithin.Theaddictivebehaviormasksorsoothesdeeppainandasenseofdisconnectionthatresultsfromthecorefalsebeliefswehold.Lookingatitthiswayallowsustoseeourselves,oranypersonwithanaddiction,withloveandacceptance,andassomeonewhoisinpainandneedsconnection.Thistakescourage.Italsorequiresustoturnoffourjudgment—thathabitoflookingatourselvesandothers,atsituationsandcircumstances,intermsof“right”and“wrong.”Whenwecanletgoofour judgment,weareopentoaprofoundself-loveandacceptancethat ismorethanmerely“beinggoodtoyourself.”Thisself-loveandacceptancemeansacceptingyourselffully,evenallyourpastbehaviors.Itmeansshiftingyourperspective,yourhabitualwayofseeingyourselfandtheworld.Intheend,itbecomesprofoundlysimple;whichisamoreeffectivewaytoopenuptochange;loveorjudgment?EmbracingSelf-AcceptanceIt can be difficult to shift our focus because the addictive behavior can appear so deeply “wrong” and ourculturalmindsetoflookingtoidentifyandsolvetheproblemissoprevalent.So,letmereiterate:I'mnotsayingthatlettinggoofjudgmentmeanswearen’taccountableforbehaviorswewanttoletgoof.Manyofushavebrokentrustwithothers,andwithourselves,andtherearethingsweneedtodotoheal thatbrokentrust.Lettinggoofjudgmentallowsustoaskthequestions,“WhatamIreallylookingfor?and“Aretherehealthierwaystoseekit?”Early inmyrecoveryIheardsomeonesay, “Recovery isnotaboutchangingyourself—it’sabout lovingandacceptingyourself.”AtthetimethismadenosensebecauseallIcouldseewashowmuchwaswronginmylifeandhowmuchIneededtochange.WhatIcouldn’tseeatthetimeisthis:Loveandacceptancearemuchmorepowerfulchangeagentsthanjudgment.MiraculousthingscanhappenwhenIshiftmyapproachfromchangingthis or that about myself—from “What’s wrong here? What needs to be fixed?”—to radical self-love andacceptance,or“What’srighthere?Whatcanbecelebrated?”Thisapproachfocusesonwhattheaddictionisauthenticallyabout,whatittellsus.Ifweaddtothisthespiritualperspective,wereceiveevenmore.RecoveryfromtheroomofSpiritcanhelpusseethatwhatwe’regenuinelyseeking is love and connection, which are found when we turn inward, to our essential nature. Spiritualrecoveryencouragesustobefullypresent,nomatterhowuncomfortableitmaybe.Itgivesusthesafetyweneedtobeinthemomentandfeelwhateveritiswe’retrulyfeeling.Lookingatwhatistrulybeingsoughtinthe addictive behavior can be a powerful tool for us aswe begin to unravel how our search for love andconnectionhasbeenderailedandmovedtotheexternalrealmbyourcorefalsebeliefsaboutourselvesandtheworld.So,weshiftfromanouter-focusedlifetoaninner-focusedwayofbeingandseeing.Again,it’sashiftinfocus.RebuildingTrustThisprocesscanhelpbuildtrustthathasbeendamaged.Whenwebreaktrustwithsomeone,weneednotonlyapologize,butwealsoneedtochangeourbehaviorandbegintobecometrustworthy.Andbeingtrustworthymeansbeingabletosaywhatwemeanandmeanwhatwesay.Itmeansouractionsstartaligningwithour

intentions.Perhapsthat’sthegreatestdefinitionoftrust:Thesenseofourselves,whoweare,isinalignmentwithwhatwesayanddo.It’smoredifficulttocreatethisalignmentwhenwefocusonfixingwhat’s“wrong,”becausethatfocusdoesn’tencourageustototallytrustourselves.Whenweareworkingfromaperspectiveofself-judgmentandcriticism,itistheoppositeoftrust.But,whenweperceiveourselvesandothersthroughthelensofloveandacceptanceandfocusonwhat’sworkingandwhat’strulybehindouraddiction,westarttorevealwhoweauthenticallyare.Whenweseewhat’s fuelingouraddictivebehavior,ourmotivationsbecomeclearer.Whenwebecomeawareofourself-talk,ourinnerdialogue,wecantakeresponsibilityforit.Andthat’samoresolidfoundationforbuildingauthentictrust.Wecanthenbewellonourwaytorebuildingtrustwithourselvesandothers.Itmaytaketimetorebuildtrustwiththepeopleinyourlife.Remember,youhaveprobablysaidtothem,onmanyoccasions:“Thistimeitwillbedifferent,”or“I’mgoingtostopforever,Ipromise.”So,theymaynotbeready to believe you when you say this, one more time. Perhaps a more useful way to approach thisconversation is to honestly let them know what you’re doing to support your recovery. You can becompassionateaboutthefactthatitmaytaketimeforthemtocommencetotrustyouagain.EngaginginSafeCommunityWhetheryou’rejustcomingoutofanaddiction,areinrecovery,orarenewtospirituality,onekeytocreatingsafety is surrounding yourself with like-minded and like-hearted people. Being part of what I call an“intentionalcommunity”—agroupofpeoplededicatedtoasharedintention—trulycansupportyourrecovery.That'swhy12-stepprogramsworksowell formanypeoplecomingoutofanaddiction—there isa sharedintentionofsobriety.There’sasharedintentionofsupportingeachotherinmovingfromaddictiontorecovery.Andthesedaystherearecountlesscommunitiestochoosefrom,nomatterwhereyouareinyourrecoveryprocess.Whateveryou'reseeking,whereveryouraiminlife,surroundingyourselfwithotherpeoplewhosharethatintentioncanbeanincrediblypowerfultool.Foronething, itcanassistwithaccountability,whichgetsyoubacktotrustingyourselfandothers.Andagain,thisdoesn’tmeanaccountabilityasintellingoneanotherwhenyou are doing something “wrong.” Accountability in an intentional community is a matter of creating awonderfulmirrorwhereyoucanreflecttooneanotherinanupliftingandsupportiveway.Tomethat'sthebeautyofspiritualcommunity.Forexample,atAgapeBayArea,ourspiritualcenterinOakland,wehaveasharedintentionofrecognizingouressentialnatureandofseeingeachotherthroughthelensofoneness.Weareaccountabletooneanotherinthissharedintention.Ifoneofusforgetsourwholenessandperfection,wehavethesecompanionswhoarebeautifulmirrors,reflectingthatwholenessandperfectionbacktous.Andwheneverweneedtolookdeeper,intosomethingthat’sinshadowforus,wehavecompanionswhohavebeentherebeforeus,whocanassureusthatwearesafe.Tome,thissharedintentionalityacceleratestherecoveryprocess,theawakeningprocess.Ofcourse,spiritualcommunitiesarenotimmunetoexperiencingconflict.Butthat’snotbecauseweareessentiallybroken;it’sbecauseconflictcanbeagreatsourceofourindividualandcollectiveevolution.Whatlookslikeconflictincommunitycanbeahealthysignthatweareholdingeachotheraccountable.Itcanbeahealthysignthatwe'regrowing.Because,aswe’veseen,aslongasweremaininourcomfortzone,nothingchanges.

ExpandingYourComfortZoneIhadagreatspiritualteacherearlyoninmypathwhowouldsaytome,“Ifyouthinkyou'redoingwell,youmightnotbe.Ifyouthinkyou'renotdoingwell,youprobablyare.”Ineededtohearthatbecausestayinginmycomfort zone felt safeand Ididn’twant to leave it.Butas longas I stayed there, Iwasn't evolving. Soyes,sometimesspiritualgrowthinvolvesbeinguncomfortablebecauseexpandingourconsciousawarenessbeyondwhatwecurrentlyrecognizecanbedisorientingandsometimesevenpainful.So,supportivecommunitycreatessafetyforusbecauseitssharedintentionalitykeepsusaccountable,itallowsustolookattheshadowplaceswithpeoplewholoveusandwantustodevelop,anditisaplacewhereevenconflict is a safe and productive thing, rather than something that will injure or threaten us. Spiritualcommunityalsofosterscompassion.Ifwe'rewalkingthroughanaddiction,healthyspiritualcommunitywillhelp us learn to receive compassion from others and feel compassion for ourselves and those around us.Compassionhelpsusto lookatwhat’sworkingratherthanfocusingonwhatseemstobebroken.AsPemaChödrönwrites,“Whenyouopenyourselftothecontinuallychanging,impermanent,dynamicnatureofyourownbeingandofreality,youincreaseyourcapacitytoloveandcareaboutotherpeopleandyourcapacitytonotbeafraid.You'reabletokeepyoureyesopen,yourheartopen,andyourmindopen.”

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter4:CreatingSafety

ReadingfromchapterfourofConsciousRecoveryTounlearnourcorefalsebeliefs,tolookinwardatwhatiskeepinguslockedinunhealthypatterns,weneedtocreatesafespacesforourselves,correct?Butthiscanbeproblematicformanyofuswhoarestrugglingwithaddiction,inpartbecauseofthewayweperceiveourselvesandreality.Wemighthabituallyviewourselvesintermsof“right”and“wrong;”perhapswethinkrecoveryisaboutfixingourselves.Butthisjudgingapproachdoeslittletohelpuscreatesafety.Peopledon’toftenfeelsafewhentheyarejudged;theyfeelsafewhentheyare loved and accepted. Deep inner change comes not from identifying what needs to be fixed, but fromidentifyingwhat’sinthewayofournaturalexperienceoftheloveweare.TheSufipoetRumistatesitthisway:“Yourtaskisnottoseekforlove,butmerelytoseekandfindallthebarrierswithinyourselfthatyouhavebuiltagainstit.”

ReleasingStatementIamwillingtoletdownmywalls.AffirmingStatementIamabsolutelysafeinthismoment.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisaquestioningpractice.Setatimerfor5minutes(or,asalways,feelfreetoadjustthe timertowhat feelsright foryou in thismoment).Nowfaceamirror.Simplyaskyourself the followingquestion:“Whatissafety?”Askittoyourselfoutloudfortheallottedtimeandanswerwithshort,oneword,oronesentenceanswers.Then,continuetoaskyourselfthesamequestionrepeatedlyfortheallottedtime.Theintentionistonoticeifthequestionsseemtostartcomingfroma“deeper”place.Oncethetimerhassounded,writeoutyourexperienceofthisprocess.Exercises1.Self-JudgmentProcess:“Miraculousthingscanhappenwhenweshiftourapproachfromchangingthisorthataboutourselves—from“What’swronghere?Whatneedstobefixed”?—toradicalself-loveandacceptance,or“What’srighthere?Whatneedstobecelebrated?”Consciousrecoveryencouragesustobefullypresent,nomatterhowuncomfortablethatis.Itgivesusthesafetyweneedtobeinthemomentandfeelwhateveritiswe’retrulyfeeling,evenifthat’sscaryorshamefulordark,ratherthansaying,“Idon'twanttofeelthis.Howdo

Igetridofit?”Becomeawareofyournegativeself-talkandthenchallengeit.Whathaveyoudecidedissowrongaboutyouandyouraddiction?Is itreally true? Is thereanotherwayto lookat it?What’srightabout itall,what’srightaboutyou,thatyoumightnotbegetting?Seeifyoucanmoveintoself-loveandacceptance.Whatdoesyourinnercritictellyou?Writedown3self-judgmentsitgivesyou.Noticehowthosefeel.Whatdoyounormallydowhenthese judgmentsappear?Trythisinstead:Bepresentwiththose judgmentswithouttryingtochangetheminanyway.Allowyourselftojustexperiencethem,howeveruncomfortableitmaybe.Haveyourpartner(orwriteitout,ifyouarealone)rewordthosejudgmentstobemorerealisticorpositiveandnoticehowthatfeels.Nowtryspeakingtoyourselfasyouwouldtoasmallchildwhoneedscompassionandunderstanding.Whatwouldhappenifyouweretochangethatself-talkandspeaktoyourselfwiththesamekindnessandcaringthatyouwouldhaveforasmallchild?2.Evidence/ConclusionActivity:Readthesetwostatements,andthenanswerthequestionsthatfollow.Ifyouaredoingthispracticealone,Iinviteyoutowriteoutyouranswersandreadthemeverymorningforaweek.Ifyou’reinagroup,shareyouranswerswithapartner.Theworldisakindandlovingplace.Theworldisabrutalandhostileplace.

• Canyoufindevidencetosupporteitheroneofthesestatements?• Whatevidencedoyouhavesupportingeach?• Isonemorecorrectthantheother?• Whatifbotharetrue?• Whatkindofworldareyouchoosingtoseetoday?• Whatwouldhappenifyouweretomovebeyondthegood/badorright/wrongduality?• Whatwouldyouliketochoose?

3.ExpandingTrustMethod:Again,ifyouaredoingthispracticealone,Iinviteyoutowriteoutyouranswersandreadthemeverymorningforaweek.Ifyou’reinagroup,shareyouranswerswithapartner.Idefinetrustas,“Mysenseofmyself,whoIam,isinalignmentwithwhatIsayandwhatIdo.”

• Whatdoesthisstatementmeantoyou?• Isyoursenseofselfalignedwithwhatyousayanddo?• Ifit’soutofalignment,whatwouldittaketogetbackintoalignment?• Whatwouldyouhavetochangeandhowcouldyougoaboutdoingthat?

4.WhatisGod?Exercise:Ifyouaredoingthispracticealone,Iinviteyoutowriteoutyouranswers.Ifyou’reinagroup,shareyouranswerswithapartner:

• Growingup,whatdidyoulearnthatGodis?• WhatisyourdefinitionofGodnow?• HowdoyouperceiveGod?• IfyoucouldcreateanyimageorideaofGod,whatwoulditbe?

Drawapictureofthis.WriteoutyourcurrentconceptionofGod.Writeoutwhatyouwould likeGodtobe.Comparethelists.Spendsometimeinthesilencecontemplatingwhatyouwrote.5.CommunityBuildingExploration:Lookatyourcommunity,orthepeoplewhosurroundyou.Nowanswerthesequestions:

• Aretheybuildingyouuportearingyoudown?• Aretheytrulyofferingyouthesupportandencouragementyouneed?• Ifnot,whoelsecould?• Whatlike-mindedandlike-heartedpeoplecouldyouaddtoyourcommunity?

Simply reflect on your answers. Spend some time researching communities in your area thatmight be inalignmentwithyourinterestsanddesires.Meetup.comcanbeagreatresourcefordiscoveringnewgroupsofpeoplewhowillsupportyournewpath.And,youmightjusthavesomefun!Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Haveyoueverhadanexperienceinwhichyoushutyourselfoffandclosedyourheart?2. Whydidyoudothat?3. Whatdiditcreateforyou?4. Diditgiveyouasenseofsafety?5. Isthereaconnectionbetweenclosingyourheartandyouraddiction?6. Whatisthat?7. Whatwouldhappenifyouweretoopenyourheartupagain?8. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldallowyourselftobevulnerable?9. Howhaveyoudealtwithuncomfortablefeelings?10. Haveyoutendedtorunawayfromthemandpossiblyuseyouraddictivebehaviorstoavoidthem?11. Whathasthatcreated?12. Whatifyoucouldjustallowthemtobe?13. Whatwouldyouneedtobeordothat’sdifferentthatwouldallowthat?14. Areyoupartofanyintentionalcommunities;i.e.,agroupofpeoplededicatedtoasharedintention?15. What’sthatexperiencelikeforyou?16. Ifyou’renotpartofsuchagroup,whynot?17. Doyouhavesomeresistancetoit?18. Doyouhaveanylimitingpointsofviewaboutbeingpartofagroupoflike-mindedpeople?19. Whatwouldhappenifyouchangedthatandallowedyourselftoopenupandconnectwithacommunity?20. Whatwouldthatdoforyouraddiction?

ChapterFive

Unlearning

It’stimetocomebackfromtheworldofillusion,theworldoflies,andreturntoyourowntruth,toyourownauthenticity.It’stimetounlearntheliesandbecometherealyou.Andinordertodothat,youneedtocomebacktolife,whichistruth.Awarenessisthekeytocomingbacktolife…whereyourebelagainstalltheliesthatare

rulingyourhead.Yourebel,andthewholedreamstartschanging.―DonMiguelRuiz&DonJoseRuiz,TheFifthAgreement

Inthischapter,we’llcontinuetheconversationaboutbreakingfreefromthecycleofaddiction,whichisthecontinualsearchforanoutsidesolutiontoremedyornumbsomethingthatfeelsbrokeninternally.Inchapter4welookedattheimportanceofcreatingasenseofsafety.Thischapterwillofferyoutoolsforuncoveringandunlearningyour core falsebeliefs, aprocess that involves thepracticeof self-parenting and theprocessofintegratingtheshadow.Throughthesespiritualpractices,inanongoingprocessofintegrationandwholeness,wecancometoexperienceconsciousawareness,what’scalled“witnessconsciousness,”andareturntoouressentialselves.LivingBeyondYourStoriesItgoeswithoutsayingthatlearningisimportant.Thevalueweplaceoneducationisevidentallaroundus:fromeducational leadershailing it as the cornerstoneof society, topoliticians calling themselves “theeducationcandidate”andbusinessleaderssayingweneedamoresophisticatedworkforce.Yes,learningisempowering.WhenIwasfirstintroducedtospiritualteaching,ItriedtolearnasmuchasIpossiblycouldaboutspiritualprinciples,aboutspiritualpractices,aboutmetaphysicallawsandtruths.Allthiswasveryvaluableforme;Ineededtolearninordertogrowinconsciousness.SowhyamItalkingabouttheimportanceofunlearning?And,whatarethestorieswemightneedtolivebeyond?WhenIwasinmy20sandinearlyrecovery,Iwasexaminingpainfulincidentsofmypastinordertoresolvewhatstillseemedunhealed.Iremembercallingmytwosisterstohavethemcorroboratethedetailsofcertainchildhood happenings. To my surprise, they both recounted different versions of the same events, whichseemedequallycorrectforeachofthem.Itoccurredtomethatthethreeofushadthreedifferentyetequallyrealexperiencesofthesameoccurrences.Weallhaddifferentexperiencesofourchildhoods,andthereforewehavecreateddifferentstoriesaboutourselvesandtheworldatlarge.Becauseofthisexperience,Inowrealizethatitisanimportantpartofourspiritualdevelopmentandrecoverytoquestionandlivebeyondthestorieswehavebeencarryingaroundaboutourselvesandtheworld,sometimesforyears,maybeevendecades.Withclearvision,weseethatitnolongerservesustoclingtoanystorythatkeepsusfeelingstuckandlimited.Whatwouldbethebenefitofcontinuingtoperpetuatestoriesthatarenotinalignmentwiththetruththatweareallessentiallywhole?Thefactthatmostofusarestilllivinginastateofforgetfulnessofthatfundamentaltruthdoesn’tchangethatreality.Asweshiftourperspectiveaboutwhoandwhatwetrulyare,thatinturnshiftsthenatureoftheworldweinhabitandourexperienceofothers.Theworldbecomesamorelovingplacebecausewehavebecomemoreloving,openheartedhumanbeings.Andallwedidwascomeintoalignment

withwhatwasalreadytrue.Thisiswhatitmeanstolivebeyondourstories—aboutourselves,others,andtheworld.EvidenceorConclusion?Mostofusaretaughtthatwecometoaconclusionbygatheringevidence.Ifwelookatthe“facts”ofasituation,wewillbeabletodeterminethecorrectconclusion.Ourentirelegalsystemisbasedonthis,andmanyinthescientificcommunityadheretothisstructureofknowingaswell.Iinviteyoutoturnthatconceptonitsheadandbegintoquestionthisassumption.Isitpossiblethatthereverseofthisformulaisactuallytrue?Perhapswecometoaconclusionandthengoaboutfindingevidencetosupportthatconclusion.Thisisoftenthecaseinourlegalsystem,andquantumphysicsisnowrevealingthisrealityinthescientificfieldaswell.Theobserverhasaneffect.Inourpersonallives,wemayencountersituationswhichrepeatthemselvesoverandover.Wecan look toevidence to supportourposition.Or,wecanpauseandexamineourconclusionsandseewhathappens when we focus on changing them instead. Miraculous changes occur simply by looking at ourassumptionsandmakingtheinnershifttoadifferentwayofseeingtheworld.Ifwedecidethatsomethingsinlifeare“good,”andsomeare“bad,”thenwefindourselveslivinginadualisticworldwhereweneedtobecarefulandkeepourselvessafe.Inthisreality,thingscangowrong,peoplecanbehurtful,andweneedtoprotectourselvesfromthosewhowanttoharmusandfromtheevilsoflife.Wecanfindplentyofevidencetoconfirmthisreality.Wedon’tnecessarilyneedtoignoretheworldaroundus.Intheendthough,itisuptoeachofustodecidewhatkindofworldwelivein.Wedon’tneedtowaitforanythingtochangeontheoutsidebeforewecaninhabittheworldofourchoice.Whatkindofworldareyouchoosingtoseetoday?Wecanchoosetorecognizethateverythingthathappensisusefulforourrecovery,andthatitcontributestoourwell-beingandourwholeness.Wecanstepinto inaworldwherenothingisactuallyagainstus. Inthisreality, there are no enemies. It is safe to befriend the here and now, and we can trust that whatever ishappeninginthismomentcanserveourhighestspiritualdevelopment.Whateverhappenedinourpastalsoservedourhighestspiritualawareness.Inthisway,wecanhaveadailylivingexperienceofbeingatonewiththerestoflife.Wecanknowourselvesaspartoftheseamlessfabricofexistence.Infact,thisistheonlywaywecanexperienceouronenesswithall that is,andtapintotheprofoundsenseofpeaceandharmonythatalreadyexistsdeepwithinus.Lettinggoofourstoriesistheshortcuttolivinginapeacefulworld.RelativeRealityorUltimateReality?Manymetaphysicalandmystical traditionsmakeadistinctionbetweenrelativerealityandultimatereality.Relativerealityiseverythingweexperiencethroughoursenses;itisanythingthatdependsonsomethingelse;it is anything that changes. It’s what we tend to call “the real world.” Relative reality on the level of ourindividualpersonalityisallourinnerinfrastructure—thestructuresoftheego;ourideas,beliefs,andpointsofviewaboutourselvesandaboutlife.Itiswhatmakessensetousandworksforusatanygivenpointinourlifejourney.Aswegrowandlearn,ourrelativerealitychanges.Weletgoofoldthingsthatnolongerserveusandgravitatetonewthingsthatnowseemmoresolidandmoretrue.Inotherwords,aswegrowup,wedevelopnewwaysofseeingourselvesandtheworld.Weadoptnewperspectives.Ultimatereality,ontheotherhand,doesnotchange.It isbeyondego,personality,andexperience.Ultimatereality,asrevealedtousinspiritualtraditionsandpractices,isjustthat;ultimate.Withinultimaterealitylies

the truth thatwe are bornwhole and perfect and absolutely onewith Source. That deep perfection is thefundamentaltruthofwhoandwhatweare.WemightcallthisGodconsciousnessorourspiritualselves.Letme reiterate something here that we have discussed in earlier chapters: Within ultimate reality, we areultimately and fundamentallywhole and perfect. But this perfection does notmean thatwe are free fromlimitation(inrelativereality)anditdoesn’tmeanthatwedon’tmakewhatseemslikemistakes.Ouressentialand fundamentalwholenessdoesnotmeanweneverwill feelbroken,ornever feelhurt.Ourmistakesandlimitationsmayfeelreal,buttheyareonlypartofrelativereality.Ourbrokenness,hurts,andwoundedselvesmightfeelrealtoo.Buttheyareonlyrealatthelevelofrelativereality.Thisdescriptionofultimaterealityassomethinggreaterthanourday-to-daylivesmightseemtooabstract,soI’lldelvemoredeeply into thisconcept.Manyofusdon’thave the tools torecognize thisonenesswith theeternal,andevenifwedoglimpseitfromtimetotime,wemightnotknowwhattodowithit.Thinkaboutit:Haveyoueverhadaspiritualexperience?Haveyoueverfeltonewithnature,orwithallhumankind,orwithallexistence?Probablyyouhave.That’snotananomaly—it’saconnectionwithultimatereality.Manypeople,groundedastheyareinthematerial,tangibleworld,mightlookatthissortofexperienceasarandomevent,astheresultofsomephenomenoninthebrain.Or,theymightdismissitaltogether.Thatdoesn’tmean itdoesn’texist; it justmeans theydidn’t recognize it.Butwhenweevolvespiritually,whenwehaveundertakenspiritualpracticesthatopenoureyestothisultimatereality,thenwecanbereadyforitwhenitpresentsitself.That’swhathappenedtomeonthatsmallboatontheGanges,intheexperienceIdescribedinthepreface.BecauseIwasopentoandmoreorlesspreparedforthatexperience,itinitiatedaprofoundshiftinmyperceptioninsteadofpassingbymeunnoticed.Inaway,itwasafreegift,butIhadalsopreparedmyselftoreceiveitinsomeway.Ofthetwo,relativerealityandultimatereality,mostofusareprimarilyawareofrelativereality—it’swhereweliveourlives.Butwearecreatedinandstrivetoreturntotheunchangingdimensionwithinourselves.Aswebecomemoregroundedinultimatereality,wecometoseemoreclearlythatthetruthsofrelativerealityarefleeting.Theychange.Whenwearechildren,weseemtohaveaninnatesenseofultimatereality,butthenwebegintoforget.And,quiteliterally,wegetit“taughtout”ofus.So,forme,thespiritualjourneyandrecoveryareaboutunlearning.Therecomesapointwhenit’stimeforustounlearnthestories,thebeliefs,theideasthatwehavecollectedandinternalized—storiesthatatonepointmayhaveseemedtruebutthatarenolongerfittingourlives.Aswebegintoawakentoadeeperreality,webegintorecognizethatalthoughwemightcallthosestories“true,”thattruthliesonlyinrelativereality.Thekeytolivinginpeaceandwholenessismovingbeyondourstories.So,whatarethetruths,thestories,thatonceservedyoubutarenowkeepingyoustuckinalimitedwayofbeing?MovingBeyondLimitationI’mnotaskingyouwhatyoucandoorwhatyoucanacquirethatwillmakethingsOK.That’sanoldhabitformanyofuswithaddictionsandaddictivebehaviors.Manyofusbelievethatifwejustlookacertainwayoracta certainway, ifwecan just geta certainperson to respond tous ina certainway, allwillbe fine.This isdifferent.Insteadoflookingforsomethingoutsideourselvestomakethingsbetter,herewe’relookinginwardandtakinganhonestlookatthestoriesthatkeepusfeelingstuck.WhatdoImeanby“stuck?”Well,ifyou’vebeeninrecoveryforanylengthoftimeyou’veprobablyspentsometimelookingatyourlife:yourrelationships,yourattitudes,yourpatterns.Wheredoyouseemtoexperiencethesamekindsofsituationsinyourlife,thesametypesofrelationshipsoverandoveragain,thesamefrustrations?Haveyounoticedarepetitivepattern?

Here’sastorythatrepresentsthiswell:Inthe1960s,ararewhiteBengaltigerarrivedattheNationalZooinWashington,D.C.Thetiger,namedMohini,wasaspecialgifttoPresidentEisenhowerandthepeopleofAmericafromthegovernmentofIndia.Mohiniwasplacedinatemporary12x12–footcage,whilethezoodiscussedplanstobuildheramagnificentenclosure.Theenclosurewastoresemblehernaturalhabitat,withlushforests,rollinghills,andeverythingatigercouldpossiblyneedorwant.Duringtheconstructionperiod,Mohinipacedaroundhercrampedcage,inafigure-8pattern,dayafterday.Unexpecteddelaysinbuildingthenewhabitatturnedmonthsintoyears,astheyoungtigercontinuedtopacearoundhersmallcage.Finally,Mohini’snew,spaciousenclosurewascompletedandalargecrowdgatheredtowitnessthebigevent.Atlonglast,shewouldbeabletoexperienceherfreedom.Tothecrowd’sgreatsurprise,however,onenteringhernewhome,Mohiniheadedstraighttothefarcornerandstartedpacingaroundinthesamefigure-8pattern,justasshehadbeenforcedtodoforseveralyears.Sadly,shespenttherestofherlifeinthesmallfarcornerofherenclosure,movinginthesamefigure-8,12x12pattern,completelyoblivioustotheparadisesurroundingher.Thisstoryillustrateswhathappenswhenweallowourearlierprogrammingtodictatethelimitsofourawarenessandofourexperienceof life.Myquestiontoyouis:What isyourself-imposed,12x12, figure-8pattern?Howareyoulivingwithintheconfinesofaninheritedbeliefsystemthatstillappearstobe“real”foryou?Thetruthisthatyouhavethecapacitytoexperienceinfinitefreedomfromwithin.Youliveinaninfinitelyabundantuniverse.Itisonlythelimitationsofyourthinking,andthestoriesyoutellyourself,thatkeepyoutightlycontainedinalifethatmightfeelsmallerthanyouwouldlikeittobe.Soagain,myquestionforyouis,whatself-imposedcornersareyousqueezedintoinrightnow,whatcrazy-eightpatternareyoustuckin?Thatpatternmayhaveoriginallybeenabrilliantstrategythatworkedtosupportorprotectyou,butmaybenowyou’rebeginningtofeelthatsomethingaboutitisjustnotadequate.Whatwoulditbeliketoexpandyourconsciousnessandopentothepossibilityofadifferentperspective?You’velookedatthesestoriesandbeliefsbefore,inworkingthroughpreviouschapters;theyareyourcorefalsebeliefs.Theyarethefundamentalbeliefsaboutyourselfthataregettinginyourway.Whenyouuncoverthesebeliefs,youmayfindthattheyareusuallysomevariationon“Iam...”or“Iamnot...”—forexample,“Iamunlovable,”“Iamstupid,”“Iamadisaster,”or“Iamnotworthy,”“Iamnotcreative.”Andaswe’veseeninpart1,ifyoubelievethere'ssomethingfundamentallywrongwithyou,thenthatisthelensthroughwhichyouwillperceivelife.Youwillthenbecomeattractedtorelationshipsandsituations,andyouattractsituationsandrelationships,thatseemtoconfirmyourbelief.It’sself-fulfilling.The great news is that you don’t have to force yourself to unlearn your core false beliefs. You don’t evennecessarily have to learn a new set of beliefs (although this can be one powerfulway toworkwith thesenegativebeliefs).Thefirststepissimplyrecognizingthatthesearebeliefssetinrelativereality,notultimatereality.Theyarechangeable,notsetinstone.Onceyourecognizethat,youcanbegintoquestionthemand,ultimately,letthemgo.Asawiseteacheroncesaid,thefirststepisawareness,thesecondstepisawareness,andthethirdstepisawareness.Self-ParentingOnewaytolookatyourcorefalsebeliefsistopayattentiontothemessagesyou’vereceivedfromtheworldthroughoutyourlife.Forweareallwalkingaroundwithaninnerdialogue,aspecific,personal,uniquewayoflookingattheworldthatstartedwhenwewereborn,maybeevenbefore.Oneofthewaysthatweexpressourunique perspective is throughwhat’s called “self-talk.” It is theway that we communicatewith ourselvesinternally,especiallythewaywetalkwiththepartsofourselvesthatfeelwounded.Iimaginesomeofyourself-

talkiskindandloving,andsomeofitislessso.Perhapsmuchofyourself-talkisgroundedinyourcorefalsebeliefs. Onevaluable tool inunlearning self-talk thatno longer servesus is through thebeneficial practiceof self-parenting.Inself-parenting,welearntotalk,inalovingandsupportiveway,tothosepartsofourselvesthatfeelwounded.Welearntoparentthesmallinnerchildthatmayhaveexperiencedtraumaorthatmaybesittingintoxicshame,theselfthatfeelsdisconnectedandbroken.Thisisthekindofparentingthatmaybewedidn’tgetassmallchildren,andfortunately,wecanprovideittoourselvesasadults.Manyofuswerenotraisedwiththetypeofcommunication,ineitherwordsoractions,thathelpedustogrowandthrive.Anditwasthislackof conscious parenting, in part, that gave us our core false beliefs.When there’s abuse early in life or anexperienceofabandonment,thecorefalsebeliefsthatoftenresultincludethingslike,“Lifeisnotsafe,”“Ican’tfeelthisrightnow,”and“You’regoingtoleaveme.”Someofusgotthemessagethatitisn’tOKtomakemistakesoritisn’tOKtofeelwhatsomemightrefertoasnegativeemotions.Someofusgotthemessagethatthereisarightwayandawrongway:ifI'magoodchild,Igetrewarded(oratleastIdon’tgethurt);ifI'mabadchild,Igetpunished.Ifweholdtheselimitingbeliefsasadults,wewillmostlikelyneverlearnhowtoenrichouremotionallives,howtoquestionthings,evenhowtocomfortourselves.Self-parenting is another way of unlearning ideas and constructs that no longer serve us. We do this byreplacing thenegativeself-talkwithsupportiveand lovingself-talk tocreateaplaceof safety internally. Inassistingpeoplewithself-parenting,Ihavefoundthreekeyphrasestobeincrediblysimpleandpowerful.Thesearethingswesaytoourselvesinself-parenting:(1)You’resafenow,(2)It'sokaytofeelthiswaynow,and(3)I'mhereforyounow.So,let’sgothroughtheseandseehowtheycanhelpintheunlearningprocess.You'resafenow.Partofconsciousparentingiskeepingourchildrensafe.Thisisnotaboutkeepingtheminsulatedfromanythingandeverythingthatmightharmthem;it’saboutteachingthemtobeindependentandresilientinwhatevercircumstances they find themselves. This involves creating or finding safe places for them, places ofpsychologicalsafetyaswellasphysicalsafety.Unfortunately,notallofushadthatkindofparenting.Earlyinourlives,manyofusweretaught—eitherconsciouslyorunconsciously,sometimescovertlyandsometimesveryovertly—thatit'snotsafeforustobewhoandwhatweare.Thissenseofinsecuritycancauseaprofoundseparation from our essential nature. We’ve worked with this earlier, especially in chapters 1 and 3, onunresolvedtraumaandtoxicshame.So,partofself-parentingisbeingabletotalktoourselvesaswewouldtoourchild,reassuringourselvesthatalliswell.Whenweself-parent,wecansaytoourselvesintimesofcrisisordifficulty,“You’resafe.It’ssafetobeyourightnow.It'ssafetobeexactlyasyouare.”It’sOKtofeelthiswaynow.Verysimplysaid,addictioncanbeframedasaresponsetothefearoffeeling,thefearofbeingrighthere,rightnow.Addictivebehavioriswhatwedotoavoidbeinginthepresent.Soatfirst,tellingourselves“It’sOKtofeelthiswayrightnow”mightfeelquiteforeign.Ifwehaveacorebeliefthatweareunsafe,thentheideathatit'ssafetogetintouchwithwhatwe'refeelingonanemotionallevelmightseemverychallengingoruntrue.Butemotionalawarenessisveryimportantforthoseofusinrecovery,andsoithelpstoliterallygiveourselvesthemessagethatit’ssafetolookwithin:“It’sOKtofeelthiswayrightnow.”Aswecomefurtherintoourspiritualpracticeandourrecovery,webegintothawout,tostartfeelingthingswehadbeenignoringoravoidingornotallowing ourselves to feel, and this deepening becomesmore comfortable and less threatening. If you are

findingyourselfchallengedbythesefeelings,youmightwanttostartbysaying“somethinginmefeels…”ratherthan “I feel…” as this can assist you in getting in touch with the emotion without getting flooded oroverwhelmed.I'mhereforyounow.Atthecoreofalotofouranxietyisthebeliefthat“IfIletyoutrulyseeme,youwillleave.”Therootofthiscorefalsebeliefmayhavebeenaresultofparentingthatwasjudgmental,abusive,emotionallydistant,orlovethatwasconditionalonourbehavior.Withthisself-parentingphrase,“I’mhereforyounow,”we'regenuinelygivingourselves the parenting that maybe we didn’t get growing up. We’re dedicating ourselves to ourselves,committingourselvestobeingthereforourselvesaswewouldhopetobethereforachild,oralifepartner.AsTracyMcMillanputitinherTEDxtalk,“Youenterarelationshipwithyourself,andthenyouputaringonit.Inotherwords,youcommittoyourselffully....LovingmyselfexactlywhereIam,istheonlywaytogetwhereI’mgoing.”Again,herearethethreephrasesyoucanstartsayingtoyourselftobeginahealthyinnerdialogue:“You'resafenow,”“It’sOKtofeelthiswaynow,”and“I'mhereforyounow.”Ifyoucanpracticethesethreethingsandbegintousethemanytimeyoufeelanxious,sad,etc.you’llfindanewwayofbeingwithyourself.RecognizingtheShadowInpsychologicalterms,theshadowistheunconsciousaspectofyourself,thatyoukeephiddenduetoadesiretorepressthenegativeattributesofyourpersonality.Animportantelementofyourrecoveryworkislookingatandintegratingtheshadow:thosepartsofyourselfthatyouhaveburiedbeneaththesurface,beneathyourconsciousawareness,thosepartsofyourselfthatyoumaynotwanttoseeorexpress.Theshadowiswhatyouholdshameabout—yourunresolvedtrauma,yourfragmentedself.Youconcealthosepartsintheshadow,andbecausethey’rerepressedandnotintegrated,theytendtosurfaceinwaysthatmakeyoufeeloutofcontrol.Renownedpsychologist,CarlJungstatedthissosimplywhenhesaid:“Untilyoumaketheunconsciousconscious,itwilldirectyourlifeandyouwillcallitfate.”And,onceyoubringtheshadowintoconsciousawareness,yourecognizeyoucanbeginchoosing,ratherthanbeingrunbyyourunconsciousprogramming.Let’s takeanexample.Naidaholdsacorebelief thatotherswillnotvalueher ifshedoesanything thatsheconsiderstobewrong.Wecanlooktoherchildhoodfortherootsofthisbelief,butIthinkyoucanimaginewhereitcomesfrom.Thisbeliefleadshertoburyintheshadowhertruefear:thatsheisdeeplyimperfectandwhollyunlovable.Wheneverthis thoughtorthe feelingsassociatedwith itcomeup,Naidapanicsanddoeswhatever she can to shove them back down. Sometimes this results in behavior that is damaging to herrelationships.SayNaida’shusbandpointsoutsomethingshe’sdoingthat irritateshim.Quiteoftenthiswillcause her,without thinking, to turn the tables on him in away that’s aggressive and unfair. So, if he sayssomethinglike,“Honey,wouldyoumindnotturningthelightonwhenyoucometobedafterI’masleep?”shemightrespond,lightningquick,withsomethinglike,“What?Howdoyouexpectmetofindthingsinthedark?Whydoyougotobedsoearlyanyway?It’slikeyoudon’twanttobearoundme.Isodon’tneedthiswhenI’mtiredandtryingtogetreadytofinallyrelax!”Naidainevitablyregretsherreaction,explainingitbysayingthatshehasnocontroloverhertemper.Thatisonewaytolookatit,andNaidamightaddressherproblemwithangermanagementtherapyormedication.Ifwe lookat it fromaspiritualperspective,however,wewill see thatherexpressionsofangerresult fromacascadeofconsequencesstemmingfromherspiritualdisconnection.Earlyinlife,Nadiabecamedisconnected

fromthetruthofwhosheisandsheboughtintosomecorefalsebeliefsaboutherselfasbrokenandunlovable.Becausethisperspectiveofherselfbringswithitfeelingsthataretooterribletobear,sheburiesandrepresseshersenseofworthlessness,whichinturntendstocomeoutinunexpectedanddamagingways,eruptingintheseexplosionsofangerandprojectionsofworthlessnessontothosearoundher.So,Naidaistrappedinthecornerofherownworthlessness,andsheprojectsthat,unconsciously,ontoothers.Ifsheholdsontothatstory,thatcorefalsebeliefinherownworthlessness,herabilitytomovefreelywillbelimited. The shadowwill seem to be controlling her life, directing her actions and determiningwhat feelsfundamentallytruetoher(liketheideathatshecannotcontrolhertemper).So,inadditiontoworkingwithherdoctorandhertherapistonwaystomanageheranger,Naidacanalsogrowspirituallybyexamining,inasafeplace,whatliesinhershadow,bringingittothesurfaceandworkingtointegratethatintothelightofday.StuckintheShadowWhenwebringwhat’sintheshadowintoconsciousawareness,westarttorecognizethatwehaveachoice,thattheshadowdoesnothavetorunourlives.Again,ashiftinawarenessiskeyhere.Ifwebelievethatourperspectiveoftheworldistheultimatetruth,thatthere’snoadditionalwayofseeingthings,thenlifeisgoingtobesomethingthat’shappeningtous.Butoncewecommencetorecognizethateverythingweseeoutsideofourselvesismerelyaprojectionofourinnerreality,thingswillbegintoshift.Whenwereframeourstories,thingschange.In your previously held stories, the things in your shadow—your perceived flaws and imperfections, yoursecretsorrows,yourtriggers—looklikeultimaterealityandsotheyseemtohavecontrol;youbelieveyouaretheir victim. You hold the beliefs that underlie your shadow as if they were absolute truths. But if youacknowledgethattheseviewpointsarenotthefundamentaltruth,youcanbringthestoryintotherealmofconsciousawareness.Thenyoucanstartseeyourshadowassomethingotherthanadictatorandtorecognizeyourownpower.But,youmightask:“Ifmyshadowresidesinmyunconscious,howdoImaketheunconscious,conscious?”IntegratingtheShadowIfyou’vecommittedyourselftoworkingthroughthesechapters,Itrustthatbynowyou’vecomealongway.You’vestartedtogenuinelyinternalizethefactthatyourstoryisonlyonewayoflookingatthings,thatlifeisnotwhat’shappeningtoyoubutwhatyou’recallingit.You’vebeguntomakethatshiftinawareness,toseethateverythingthat’shappeningintheouterrealmisactuallyareflectionofyourinnerconsciousnessratherthanreality.Itrustthatyou’vestartedtoexaminewhereyourstoriescamefrom,whereyougotthosecorefalsebeliefsthatarenolongerworkingforyou.You’vebeguntoquestionthesourceofwhereyoudevelopedyourideasandassumptionsaboutwhatyoucalllife.Andyou’reonyourwaytorecognizingandintegratingtheshadow.Ifyoufeellikeyou’renotthereyet,I inviteyoutoputthatdoubtasidefornowandsimplysitingratitudeforthegrowththat’salreadyoccurredandthatiscontinuingtooccur.Asyoubegintoworkwithyourshadow,it’simportanttoappreciatetheneedforsafety.Becausetheshadowcansometimesbepainful.Again,renownedpsychologistCarlJungstateditsobeautifullywhenhesaid:"Thereisnocomingtoconsciousnesswithoutpain.Peoplewilldoanything,nomatterhowabsurd,inordertoavoidfacing

their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but bymaking the darknessconscious.” Illuminating and integrating your shadowmaterial requires a senseof inner security and trust.Certainly,yourinnerworkofself-loveandacceptance,aswellasanyworkyoudowithatherapistorspiritualcounselor,canhelpinnurturingsafetyandrecognizingwhat’shappeningintheshadow.Meditationandotherawareness practices are also useful tools. Once you are open to them, insightswill come upwhile you’rejournaling,walking,orevensingingintheshower.Thesearerelativelysolitarypractices,anditcanbetemptingtokeepourshadowworktoourselves.Butkeepinmindthatcreatingsafetyalsoinvolvescommunity.Wekeepourshadowselveshiddeninpartbecausewethinknooneelsewouldunderstand,becausewe’reashamedtoadmitthemtoothers.Butthefactis,everyonehas“stuff” intheirshadow.Andchancesare,yourshadowlooksa lot likeyourneighbor’sshadow.Soonceyou’ve recognized what’s in the shadow, community can help you integrate that shadow fully into yourconsciousawareness.This,ofcourse,isnotalwaysalinearprocess.Partofthestrategyofcreatingcommunityisnurturingrelationshipsinwhichit’ssafetospeakgenuinely.Forexample,“IalwayssayI’mfinebecauseI’mafraidtoadmitI’mnot,”“I’msecretlysittingonahugepileofrage,”or“I’mafraidIdon’tknowwhatloveis.”Everytimeyousaysuchthingsoutloudinasafeplace,withpeopleyoutrustandinaspiritofself-loveandacceptance,theyholdlesspoweroveryou.Anotherwaytoshiftthingssotheylosetheirpoweroveryou,istoplaywithyourshadow.Try,forinstance,toimagineyourshadowassomethingotherthanmenacing.Canyouseeyourshadowasateacher?Whatcanyoulearnfromit?Ifyourshadowholdsanger,canthatangerteachyousomethingaboutwhatliesbeneathit?Canyouseeyourshadowasabelovedchild?Howcanyoushowitloveandconcern?Ifyourshadowholdsyourinnermostsorrow,canyoucomfortit?Iknowthatbeinginthepresenceofthese“shadowy”thingscanseemdaunting. But you have more courage than you may realize. Your courage might just need a littleencouragement,andtheshadowrealmisagoodplacetoputitintopractice.RaisingYourConsciousAwarenessHereisawonderfulquotefromDeepakChopra:“I'veworkedallmylifeonthesubjectofawareness,whetherit'sawarenessofthebody,awarenessofthemind,awarenessofyouremotions,awarenessofyourrelationships,orawarenessofyourenvironment.Ithinkthekeytotransformingyourlifeistobeawareofwhoyouare.”Thereisagreatstoryabouthowwecanshiftourawarenessandthereforechangehowweexperiencewhatwecallreality.Itisastoryabouttwodifferentdogs.Both,atseparatetimes,walkintothesameroom.Onecomesoutwagginghertail.Theotheronecomesoutgrowling.Awomanwatchingthisgoesintotheroomtoseewhatcouldpossiblymakeonedogsohappyandtheotheronesomad.Tohersurprise,shefindsaroomfilledwiththemirrors.Thehappydogfoundathousandhappydogslookingbackatherwhiletheangrydogsawonlyangrydogsgrowlingbackathim.Whatyouseeintheworldaroundyouisareflectionofwhoyouareandthefeelingtoneyouareholding.Onceweknowthat,wecanbegintoshiftthe"stories”wearetellingaboutourselvesandtheworldandthereforebegintochangeourlifeexperiences.Awarenessisamarvelousgiftofhealingthathasmanylevels.Aswebegintoraiseourconsciousawareness,wegiveourselvespermissiontofeelandcreateasafespacewhereourwoundingcanseethelightofday.Webecomeawareofthelensthroughwhichwe'relookingattheworld,webecomeawareofourcorefalsebeliefs.Webecome aware of our thoughts, our innerdialogue.Webecome aware ofwhat’s in the shadow, all theunconscious self-talk and the shaming and shameful patterning that has been influencing our consciousdecisions.Webecomeawareofthelevelofconsciousnessfromwhichweareoperatingandwebegintoreturn

toouroriginalperfection.Andfromthisspaceofrecognizingouronenesswiththeessentialself,wecanwitnessevenmorefullyourego,ourshadow,ourhumanity.And,therearealwaysdeeperlevelsofawareness.ActivatingIntentionalityInpart,consciousawarenessisaboutbecomingattentivetoourthoughtsandintentions.Butawarenesscangobeyondourthoughtsandourintentions,toanunderstandingofthedeeperenergythatweareholdingaboutourselves and the world. That feeling tone, is what actually creates reality, because it holds a particularfrequency.Thisisnottosaythatawarenessofourthoughtsandourintentionsisunnecessary.Afterall,whatI’mcallingourfeelingtoneiscreatedinpartbyourinnerdialogue—thelanguageofourthoughts,whatwesaytoourselvesandothersabouttheworld.Aswe’veseen,ifwehaveunresolvedtrauma,ifwecarrytoxicshame,ifwearedisconnectedspiritually,thenourinnerdialoguemaybenegativeandunconscious.Ifthat’sthecase,thengrowinginawarenessmeansbecomingmoreconsciousofthatlanguageandthestoriesweliveby,recognizinghowwearecaughtinawayofseeingtheworldthatisbasedonsomefundamentallieswe have about ourselves. That’s the level of awareness that I’ve been focusing on so far in this book (forinstance, ifyoudidtheexercises inchapter2,you’reonyourwaytorecognizingyour innerdialogue).Theprocessofdeepeningawarenessontheleveloflanguageandintentionalityinvolveschanginghowwethinkaboutourselvesandtheworld.Aswebecomeawareatthislevel,wepayattentiontohowourintentionalityaffectsourouterlife.“Thisself-criticallanguageblocksme,”or“IfIholdthisthoughtit’sgoingtomanifestinmyworld.”Thislevelofawarenesshelpsfreeusfromavictimconsciousness,asyoumayhaveexperienced.WhenIwasfirstintroducedtometaphysicalteachings,Ineededtofocusondeepeningthislevelofawareness.AndIthoughtthatwasalltherewastoit.Itseemedtomethatspiritualdevelopmentwasonlyaboutchangingmymindandthereforechangingmyreality.AsIlearnedandgrew,Iwasabletoidentifymynegativeinnerdialogueandconsciouslychoosemythoughts, tobemoreawareonthat level. Inotherwords, I focusedongrowing inawarenessofmy intentionality,without realizing I couldgodeeper.But, thatawarenesswasn’tenoughtochangemyrealitybecauseIwasstillcarryinganegativefeelingtoneaboutmyself.Inmymind,Ibelievedinmyessentialwholeness,butIwasn’tconvincedofitinmyheartandbody.Istillheldthecorefalsebeliefsatthelevelofmybeing.Andthisfeelingtoneaboutmyselfwasmorepowerfulthanmythoughts;itwasactuallycreatingthevibrationatwhichIwaslivinganditwasformingwhatwecallreality.Yes,Ididneedtobecomeawareofmythoughtsandintentions,butIneededtogodeeperaswell.Thoughtsdoplayagreatrolein recoverybecause ifwe’rehavingnegative innerdialogue,our feeling tone isn't going to change.But theprocessofunlearningandlettinggoalsoinvolvesrestinginadeeperlevelofbeingness,andtransformingourfeelingtone.Sometimesthisshiftcomestousallatonceor inagreat leap,as inaprofoundspiritualexperienceor inadream. As you might remember frommy personal story in the preface, I had such an experience on theGanges—in which my ego seemed to be stripped away and I experienced only love and oneness. Thisexperiencecreatedarealshiftinmyfeelingtone,inmydeepestawareness.Ofcourse,thatexperienceended,andIreturnedtomy“regular”life.IleftIndiaandcamehome,towork,finances,relationships,etc.Andonthesurface, nothing seemed to have changed. There was no miracle cure to all my day-to-day life. Spiritualexperiencesdonotsuddenlymakeeverythingmiraculouslyshiftintheouterworld,atleastnotrightaway.Butthatdoesn’tmeanthatwhathappenedwasn’treal.Thatdoesn’tmeanthatmyexperiencewassimplytheresult of a chemical reaction. Somethingpowerfulhadhappened; therehadbeenaprofound change.EventhoughIstillexperiencedallthe“stuff”IhadleftbehindwhenIwenttoIndia,eventhoughmyegostillcrept

back,thatexperiencehadinitiatedapermanentshiftinthewayIrelatedtoego,thewayIframedmystory,thewayIinterpretedwhatyoumightcallmywounding.AndwhatIcomprehendnow,orwhatI'munderstandingnowatadeeperlevel,isthis:Theseprofoundexperiences,groundedinourinnerworkandspiritualpractice,canbringus toa levelwherewecanwitnessallouroldstories,difficulties,andego fromanawarenessofultimatereality.SpiritualexperiencesliketheoneIhadinIndiacanhelpusexperienceouressentialselves,unharmedandunharmable.Thisiswhatwecall“witnessconsciousness.”BecomingtheObserverAswecometorememberandtoknowthehighesttruthofwhoweare,weexperienceourselvesastheultimateobserverofallthings.Inmeditation,wenolongeridentifywithortrytocontrolourmind.Ratherwesimplybringourawarenesstothattruestpartofourselves,theenergyfieldofourinneressence.Wewitnessallthingsinourlifethroughtheeyesofcompassionandunderstanding.Knowingourselvesasthosequalitiesallowsustobethatintheworld.Wenolongerneedtowaitorexpectsomebodyelsetodemonstratethosequalitiesinourlives.Webecomethemodelofit,demonstratingtoothersthepossibilityoflivinginpeaceandharmony,hereandnow.Nowaitingisrequired.Webecomealivingexampletoothersthatitissafetoliveopenheartedlyinthisworld.Atthismysticallevelofliving,thereisnolongeranydesireorneedtoblame,judge,ortomakeotherswrong.Andifwedomomentarilyforgetwhoweare,wecaneasilyfindourwaybacktobeinglove.Weunderstandandhavecompassionforthehumancondition.Weseethatthevastmajorityofpeoplearestilltrappedinalimited,separate identity.Theyhave forgotten their truenature.They are apotential danger to themselves and toothers.Comingfromaplaceofseparationandfear,theybelievetheyliveinadangerousworld.Whentheirsafetyfeelsthreatened,theyareconvincedthereisnoalternativebuttoattackothersinordertopreservetheirwell-being.Thiswayofbeingcurrentlyplagueshumanity.Thephrase—“Forgivethem,fortheyknownotwhattheyhavedone”—comestomind.Wemightaddtothisbesaying“Forgivethem,fortheyknownotwhotheyare.”Howcouldtheyknow,whentheyhaveassumedafalseidentity?TheJoyofBeingnessConsciousRecoveryisaboutwhoyouarebeinginadditiontowhatyouaredoing.Whatwe’retalkingaboutistappingintoanewwayofbeing,andthatinvolvescreatingasafespace,thatinvolvesunlearning,thatinvolvesdeepeningourawarenesstocomeeverclosertothatspacewithinusthatisabsolutelywholeandperfectandonewiththeuniverse.AsMichaelBeckwithsaid,“Energydoesn’tgetcreated,wejustfindanewwayofmovingit.”So,we’rereallytalkingabouttappingintoessentialenergy.Let’ssaywe’reunhappywith“what’shappeninginourlife.”Ifweareunawareofourinnerdialogue,wemightputtheseeventsintothestorythatfitsourcorefalsebeliefs:“Thisisjustlikeeverythingelseinmylifebecausenothinggoodeverhappenstome,”or“ThishappenedbecauseI’mafailure,”orwhatever.Aswebecomemoreawareofourinnerdialogue,wemaygetbetteratrecognizingourstoriesandwemaystarttoletgoofthem.Butwemaystilltendtojudgewhat’shappening,toassignblameandtrytoidentifywhatneedstobe“fixed.”Evenifweareawareonanintentionallevel,judgmentcancreepin:“Ican’tbelieveImanifestedthis.What’swrongwithmethatIhaven’tbeenabletochangethispattern?”Andaswe’veseen,judgmentsolidifiestheoldwayofbeing.Ifwe’reunhappywithwhatwe’reseeinginthemanifestrealm,whathelpsmorethanjudgmentisanawarenessthat’swithoutjudgment.Self-loveandself-acceptancecanhelpmoveourawarenessfromthelevelofthoughttothelevelofbeingness.

Whenyou’refacedwithillnessorlossorsomeotherdifficulty,I inviteyoutolookwithinandasknotonly,“WhatamIsayingaboutthis?WhatamIthinkingaboutthis?”butalso,“WhatamIfeelingaboutthis?AtwhatvibrationorfrequencyamIholdingaboutthis?”Dothisfromaplaceofself-loveandacceptance.Judgmentofanything thatyoudiscoverwhenyouask thesequestionsonlyblocksyourgrowthandyourawareness.AsKrishnamurti said, “Thehighest formofhuman intelligence is theability to seeourselveswithout evaluating,withoutjudgment.”Bybeingwillingtolookwithinandaskwhatthoughts,whatbeliefs,whatenergyweareholdingaboutourselvesandtheworld,wecanmovetoadeeperlevelofconsciousawareness.The tendency to slip back into our stories and to judge may not immediately disappear with deepeningawareness.Whatdoesshiftisthatthesethingsbecomelesshabitual.Asourawarenessdeepens,we’remorelikelytorecognizeourinnerdialogueandourjudgmentassignsthatweneedtolookmoredeeplyatsomething.Aswebecomemoreaware,we’reabletoseewhat’strulyhappening.Formostofus,thisisanever-evolvingprocess.Wearealwaysexpanding.Idon’tthinkwegrowspirituallysomuchaswegrowinawarenessofourspiritualself.It’snotalinearprocess,fromAtoZ.Norisitacircularprocess,simplyrepeatingstagesofgrowthoverandover.It’smoreofaspiralprocessbecausewemovethroughlevelsofconsciousness,fromAtoBtoCinaneverupwardmovement.Aswegrowinawareness,weinevitablyreturntosimilarsituationsinourlives,notinmererepetition,butinanewwayofconsideringthemfromahigherlevelofconsciousnessthatwehaveattained.Andthischangeseverything.Through our awarenesswe transformhowwe experiencewhat happens. So, our reality is created by ourresponsetowhathappens;howwedescribewhathappens,howweinterpretwhathappens,thestorieswetellaboutwhathappens,andhowwefeelinternallyaboutwhathappens.Aswebecomemoreawareonalltheselevels,weexperiencedeepertransformation.Themoreweletgo,themorewereturntoouressentialselves.Andthemorewedismantleourcorefalsebeliefs,themorewecometoafeelingtoneofouressentialnature.Aswetapintothatultimatevibrationofwhowegenuinelyare,lifecannothelpbutmanifestallaroundusinaccordance with that vibration, in accordance with our beingness. And that’s very different than holdingthoughtsandbelievingthatthoughtsalonecreatemanifestationintheouterrealm.IrememberaconversationIheardatAgapeBayArea,ourspiritualcenterinOakland,sometimeago.Someonehadaskedthequestion:“Istheintentiontohealourwounds?”Itissuchagreatquestion,becauseononelevelofconsciousness,wecouldsay,“Ofcourseit'saboutdoingtheworkofhealing.Ofcourse,it’saboutrecognizingand attending to our losses, brokenness, and wounding.” And then there's this other level, this witnessconsciousness,fromwherewerecognizethatouressentialselfisunharmedandunharmable.It’saselfthatknowsnowounding,andthusrequiresnohealing.Whenwetapintothatconsciousness,wecreateaconnectionwithouressentialselves,wedeepenthatonenesswiththeSourcethatweare,andthequestionabouthealingbecomesalmostirrelevant.IwanttobecarefulherebecauseI'mnotsayingthatthere’seitherhealingornohealing.It’snoteither/or—it’sboth/and.So,ofcourse,wedotheworkofhealingthewounds;thatworkseemsnecessary.Withoutthatinnerwork,wemightnottrulyrecognizeandbenefitfromthespiritualexperienceswhentheyhappen.Thatinnerworkhelpsusgettotheplaceofwitnessconsciousness;itleadsustotherecognitionthatnothingneedstochangeforustobecompleteorlovableorhappy.Nothingatallneedstochangeintheouterrealmbecausewehaveconnectedwithandrecognized,ouronenesswithSource.

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter5:Unlearning

ReadingfromchapterfiveofConsciousRecoveryAswecometorememberandtoknowthehighesttruthofwhoweare,weexperienceourselvesastheultimateobserverofallthings.Inmeditation,wenolongeridentifywithortrytocontrolourmind.Ratherwesimplybringourawarenesstothattruestpartofourselves,theenergyfieldofourinneressence.Wewitnessallthingsinourlifethroughtheeyesofcompassionandunderstanding.Knowingourselvesasthosequalitiesallowsustobethatintheworld.Wenolongerneedtowaitorexpectsomebodyelsetodemonstratethosequalitiesinourlives.Webecomethemodelofit,demonstratingtoothersthepossibilityoflivinginpeaceandharmony,hereandnow.Nowaitingisrequired.Webecomealivingexampletoothersthatitissafetoliveopenheartedlyinthisworld.ReleasingStatementInowreleaseallideasoflackandlimitation.AffirmingStatementIamexperiencingpeaceandharmonynow.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisanaturewalk.Thismeditationisquitesimple.Findanaturetrail,beach,orotherquietplacewhereyoucanspend30minuteswalkingorsittinginsilence.Pleasedothispracticealoneandinsilence.Asalways,onceyouhavefinishedthewalk,writeabouttheexperience.Exercises1.Self-ParentingExercise:Forthisexercise,Iwanttorecommendthatyouonlydothisifyoufeellikeyouareinastableplaceinyourrecovery,andthatyouhaveagreatsupportsystem.Thisprocessisinvitingyoutogodeeplyintoasituationfromyourpast,sopleasechooseonethatyoufeelsafeenoughtoexplore.Pleasethinkofasituationfromyourchildhoodthatwaspainful.Spendafewminutesinthesilence,withyoureyesclosed,imaginingthesituation.Picturewhatwashappeningallaroundyou.Seeifyoucanreallygetintouchwiththefeelingsandthoughtsyouwerehavingatthetime.Now, imaginetheyoungeryouandwhathe/shereallyneededbutdidnotgetatthetime.Imagineyouradultselfsittingtherenexttoyourchildself.Youmightpictureyourselfhuggingorholdingyourinnerchild.Nowsaythesethreethingstoyourchildself:

You'resafenow.It’sOKtofeelthiswaynow.I'mhereforyounow.Youmightwanttorepeatthesethreethingsnumeroustimes.Noticewhathappenstotheemotions.Now,letyourinnerchildknowthatyouaregettingthehelpyouneedtobeabletocareforher/him.Noticeifyourinnerchildbelievesyou.Ifnot,youcanrepeatthethreephrasesagain:You'resafenow.It’sOKtofeelthiswaynow.I'mhereforyounow.Seeifthereisashift.Next,letyourchildknowthatyouaregoingtocomebacktopresenttime,butwillnotbeabandoninghim/her.Spendafewmomentsimaginingyourselfcomfortingyourinnerchild.Nowslowlybringyourawarenessbackintotheroomandopenyoureyes.Thiscanbeaverypowerfulprocesstorepeatintimesofemotionaldistress.Simplypauseandimaginethepartwithinyourselfthatisfeeling“wounded”andthenpracticetheself-parentingexercise.Overtime,youmaystarttoinstinctivelysoothetheinnerchildwiththethreephrases:You'resafenow.It’sOKtofeelthiswaynow.I'mhereforyounow.2.IdentifyingYourShadowMethod:“Inpsychologicalterms,theshadowistheunconsciousaspectofourselves,thatwekeephiddenduetoadesiretorepressthenegativeattributesofourpersonality.”Reflectingonthis,pleaseanswerthefollowingquestions:

• Whathaveyouhiddeninyourshadow?• Whatisthedeepestdarkest,mosthorriblethingyouarehidingfromtheworld?• Doyouhaveanyguiltorshamearoundthis?(Guilt is“I'vedonesomethingwrong.”Shameis“Iam

wrong”)• Whatifyoucouldlookatitthroughadifferentlens?• Isitpossibletotreatyourselfwithcompassionandkindness?• Doesitchangeanything?• Wouldyoubewillingtoconsiderthepossibilityoflettingthatshadowgo?• Whatwouldittaketoforgiveyourself?(ForgivenessisnotsayingthatwhateveritisisOK;it'smaking

thechoicetonolongerletitcontrolyouandcontinuetobeatyourselfupforit.)• Noticehowthatfeels.Now,trytoimagineyourshadowassomethingotherthanmenacing.Canyou

seeyourshadowasateacher?• Whatcanyoulearnfromit?• Ifyourshadowholdsanger,canthatangerteachyousomethingaboutwhatliesbeneathit?• Canyouseeyourshadowasabelovedchild?• Howcanyoushowitloveandconcern?• Ifyourshadowholdsyourinnermostsorrow,canyoucomfortit?

3.GettingUnstuckActivity:Ifyouaredoingthispracticealone,Iinviteyoutowriteoutyouranswersandreflectonthem.Ifyou’reinagroup,shareyouranswerswithapartner:

• Whatarethe“truths,”thestories,thatonceservedyoubutarenowkeepingyoustuck?• Where do you seem to experience the same kinds of situations in your life, the same types of

relationshipsrepeatedly,thesamefrustrations?• Howhavethesestoriesimpactedyoursenseofself?• Havetheyledtoasenseoffeelingbroken?• Haveyoudevelopedanegativeviewofyourselfortheworldasaresult?• Haveyouprojectedyourstoriesontoothers?

• Howhasthatimpactedyourrelationships?• Howhaveyourstoriescontributedtoyouraddiction?• Areyourfalsebeliefspossiblyrootedinrelativereality,acontextualrealitybasedonwhatseemstrue

atthepresenttime?4.InnerCriticProcess:Thisprocessneedstobedonewithapartner,soifyouarenotdoingthisinagroup,Iinviteyoutoaskatrustedfriendtoassistyouwiththis.Sharewithyourpartnersomeofthewaysyourinnercriticspeakstoyou.Nowthinkofasituationthatischallenging.Describethesituationtoyourpartner.Thenhaveyourpartner“externalize”yourinnervoice.First,havethemusesomeofthenegativetalkyousharedwiththem.Forexample,theymaysay:“Whyevenbother,youneversucceedanyway…”Checkinandseehowthisfeels.Sometimes,simplyhearingthesethingssaidoutloudratherthanhavingtheminyourheadcanbeapowerfulexperience.Now“shakethatoff”andhaveyourpartneruseagentle,morecompassionatevoice.Theymaysaysomethinglike,“Iknowthissituationischallenging,butyouhavethestrengthtogetthroughthis.Ibelieveinyou…”Now,noticehowthatfeels.Really“bewith”thedifference.Sharewithyourpartner(orwithyourgroup)howthisfelt.Whatareyourinsights?Note:Many times,peoplebelieve thatbeing self critical isproductiveandbeinggentlewillnot adequatelymotivatethem.Afterdoingthisexercise,whatareyourthoughtsandperspectivesaboutthis?5.WitnessConsciousnessTechnique:Thiscanbeaverypowerfulprocess.Imagineasituationinyourlifethatfeelsunresolved.Noticethefeelingsthatarisewhenyouthinkifit.Seeifyoucannoticethestoryyouarecreatingabout it.Now,see ifyoucan imagineyourselfas theobserverof thesituation,almost likeyouarewatching it inamovie.Whatdoyounoticenow?Didthe feelingschange?Didyourexperienceof thestorychangeinanyway?Thisissomethingyoucanpracticethroughoutyourday,bothinyourmeditationsandinyourdailylife.Themoreyoupractice“witnessconsciousness”themorethisbecomesaninnatewayofbeingintheworld.Andremember,thereisareasonitiscalledaspiritualpractice.Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Whatifyourstorieswerejustthat,astory?2. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldrewriteorletgoofthosestories?3. Howwouldyourlifechange?4. Whatself-imposedcrazy-eightpatternareyoustuckin?5. Wasthatpatternonceabrilliantstrategythatworkedtosupportorprotectyou?6. Whatwoulditbeliketoopentothepossibilityofadifferentperspective?7. Whatis“ultimatetruth”toyou?8. Ifyourfalsebeliefsonceappearedtrue,canyounowseethemfromadifferentperspective?9. Whatiftheyarenolongeractuallytrueforyounow?10. Whatifyoucouldletthemgo?11. Whatkindofparentingdidyoureceiveasachild?12. Whatimpactdidthathaveonyou?13. Whatmightyourinnerchildneedtohearthatwouldhelpyoutoletgoofthosefalsecorebeliefs?14. Asyoubegintouncoverwhat’slurkinginyourshadow,howcanyoucreateasenseofsafety?15. Whoandwhatelsemightyouincludetosupportyou?16. Howcanyouapproachthisfromaspaceofself-loveandnon-judgment?

17. Whatperceivedflawsandimperfectionsmightbehidinginyourshadow?18. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldstarttolookatthem?19. Howmightyoursenseofselfandlifechange?20. Whathaven’tyouwantedtoaddress?

ChapterSix

PracticingSpiritualPrinciples

Someonemayfirsttakeinterestinspiritualpracticetoimproveherlife.Butpracticedoesn’tjustimproveyourlife—italsonewlydefinesthemeaningofyourlife….Whenanyone,anywhere,learnstoabideinsuchloving

wisdom,theygenerateazoneofrefugeandprotectionthatencirclesallthosearoundthem.Theybecomeaforcetoremakethisworldintoaplaceofdeepmutualreverenceandappreciation.Tolearntoembodysuchwiselove,andtoactfromthereforthesakeofall,isthegreatestgiftwecangivetoourfamilies,communitiesandworld.

―JohnMakransky

Inthischapter,I’dliketointroduceyoutosomespiritualprinciplesyoucanpracticethatwillhelpyoutobreakfreeofanykindofaddictionandtoliveamoreconnectedandawe-filledlife.Theseprinciplesarenonresistance,non-judgment,mindfulness,livinginthequestion,andacceptingimpermanence.Thesespiritualprinciplesarean important part of breaking free from addiction, and they can support you if you want to live a moreconnected,dynamic,andopen-heartedlife.WhatisNonresistance?Whatcomesupwhenyouheartheword“nonresistance?”Itmightevokeimagesofsurrender,givingup,orweakness.Nonresistancemightseemcounterintuitiveandverydifferentfromthewayyou’veframedyourlifethusfar.Thisispossiblybecauseinourculturewearetaughttoresist:we’retaughttowin,we’retaughttocompete,we’retaughttonevergiveup,andneversurrender.Atadeeperlevel,we’retaughtfromaveryearlyage to “make lifehappen.”We’re taught to shapeour livesbymanipulatingourenvironmentand, to someextent,thepeoplearoundus.Thiscreatesageneralpostureofpushing,eithertowardorawayfromthings.Wefightandpushandstrivebecausewe’reprogrammedtothinkoflifethroughthelensofscarcity,whichsaysthatthereisn’tenoughforeveryone.Thisassumesthatifwedon’tpush,ifwedon’tfight,ifwedon’tmanipulate,wewon’tgetwhatwewantorwhatweneed.Ifwebelievethereisalimitedamountof“stuff,”thenofcoursewe’regoingtoresist,ofcoursewe’regoingtofight,ofcoursewe’regoingtostrivetowardsomethingsandavertfromothers.This describes my experience perfectly. I spent much of my life trying to resistwhat is. When I came tometaphysicalteachingsinthelate80s,IevenstartedusingthespiritualprinciplesIwaslearningasamethodtomanipulatetheouterrealm.Forexample,Ilovedtheideaofusingaffirmationstocreatethelifeofmydreams.Atthatpointinmyawareness,thismeantthatifIcouldgettheoutsidelookingacertainway,thenIwouldbeOKinternally.Thelitmustest,ofcourse,iswhetherourapproachisworking.Doesthisstrategyofresistancegetuswhatwewant?Thedecisiontolivebystrivingandstrugglemayworkforawhiletohelpusachievewhatwedesire.Butaswebecomemoreaware,weareledtoquestiontheassumptionsthatgroundthatdecision.Inmymidtwenties,IwenttoIndia,whereIspentseveralweekswithAmma(MataAmritanandamayi),“theHugging Saint.” At one point, I askedher how to quit smoking, and she said, “Learn to love the cigarette.”Startlingadvice!But,bythattimeIcouldagreethatbeingagainstthesmokingwasn’tgettingmeanywhere.It

wasonlyproducingmorenegativeenergyaroundmysmoking.Ammahelpedmesee that I could shiftmyperspectivetooneofnonresistance,andthathelpedmeletgooftheaddictivehabit.OnceIstoppedresistingthesmokingIcouldbegintoaskmyselfifIwasstillhappywithmyselfasasmoker.Istartedtohaveloveandcompassion for myself, and I soon discovered that I could then more easily stop smoking. It seemedcounterintuitiveatthetime,butInowunderstandthatloveandcompassionaregreaterchangeagentsthancriticismandjudgment.Howmuchtimedoyouwasteresistingthecircumstancesofyourlife,resistingthepeopleinyourlife?Andwheredoesthisgetyou?Ifyou’vebeenawareofyourpatternsforanylengthoftime,theanswermaybe,“Notwhereyoureallywanttogo.”So,whatisnonresistance,andhowdoyoupracticeitasaspiritualprinciple?ByronKatiedefinesnonresistancerightinthetitleofhersuperbbookLovingWhatIs.Nonresistanceislovingwhat is,oratvery least, it isacceptingwhat is. It’sabsoluteacceptanceof thismoment.Whenyoupracticenonresistance,youallowyourself tobecomeawareof thenatural flowof life,yousurrenderand letgo. It’saboutopeninguptobeingwithwhatevershowsupinyourouterrealm,andinyourinnerexperienceaswell,givingyouadeeperunderstandingofwhat’sreallyhappeninginyourlifeandtappingintosomethingthat’sfarmorepowerful.PracticingNonresistanceOnepracticethatcanbeagreatdoorwaytononresistanceistospendtimeinmeditation.Ameditationthatfocusesonwitnessingwhatiscanhelpusrecognizeourresistanceandthenletitgo.Thiscanbedifficultatfirst.Andwhenoureveryurgeistofightback,ittakesgreatfortitudeandcouragetopracticenonresistance.Fortunately,it’sapowerthatcanbeimplementedandstrengthened.It’sapracticethatbecomeseasierwithexperience.WhenIwaslearningtomeditate,Ibelievedthatthepurposeofmeditationwastoquietthemind.Butthatassumptionwasinitselfaresistanceofwhatis—IgotveryfrustratedsittingonmypillowbecauseIexpectedmymindtobequietedanditonlyseemedtogetlouder.Thepowerofmeditationasatoolofnonresistancebecomesevidentwhenweshiftourintentionfromtryingtoquietthemindtowitnessingandrecognizinghowweareintheworld.Welearnagreatdealwhenwesimplysitwithourthoughts—notinjudgment,butinobservation.Asmeditationteachesushowtonoticeourthoughts,wealsocometonoticewherewe’restuckandtorecognizethoseplaceswherewemightberesistinglife.Thus,meditationcanbeamethodforlookingwithinandtappingintothatdeepest,truestpartofourselves,andfromtherewitnesshowwearewithwhatwemightcallourego;ourthoughts,emotionsandperspectives.Whenwemakethatshiftinourmeditationpractice,fromapracticeoftryingtoquietthemindtoapracticeofwitnessingandbecomingcurious,webecomemuchlessfrustrated.Nowwecanexperiencemeditationasbeingcuriousabout what is. Being curious with how we relate to the world. Being curious about our thoughts, ourperspectives,ourviewpoints.Flowingwithratherthanpushingagainst.Youmaybeconcernedthatthepracticeofnonresistanceisasignofweakness.Again,ashiftinperspectivewillbebeneficialhere.We’retaught fromayoungagethatvulnerability,authenticity,andthewillingnesstobeintimateareweaknesses.Menespeciallyaretaughttohavealltheanswers,andtouseforcetogetwhatwethinkweneed.Butthisisnotstrength.Onthecontrary,whatwethinkofasstrengthisoftenamanifestationoffear—thinkoftheplaygroundbullywhois,underneathallhisbravado,oftenbulliedhimselfandthusfulloffear.Realstrength,realpower,isaboutflowingwithlife,beingabsolutelypresent,andcuriousaboutwheretheshipoflifemightwanttotakeus.It’saboutgentlysteeringtheshipratherthanforcingitthroughthewater.

Aswe’veseeninpreviouschapters,lifeismoreaboutwhatwecallitthanaboutwhat’sactually“happening.”Nonresistance is a spiritual principle that allowsus to truly experience this truth. By giving us practice innoticingourthoughtsandperspectives,nonresistanceallowsustoseethatourstoriesarenotthecompletepicture, that our assumptions might be broadened, that our strategies might be improved. Practicingnonresistanceintheinnerrealm,asinmeditation,preparesustoexercisenonresistanceintheouterrealm.Wemayhavecomeintoour journeysbelievingouropinionstobefact,believingourperspectivesandcorebeliefstobe"thewaytheworldis"or"justthewaythingsare."Andourbeliefstendtogetreinforcedbyourexperiences,andgetsolidified.Whenwelivefromaplaceofresistance,thatresistantenergytendstofeedthethingwe’reresisting.Aspreviouslymentioned,“Whatweresistpersists.”Whenwe’reholdingtheenergyofresistance,competition,orscarcity,thatenergyattractsmoreofthatenergy.“Wecan’tplantanelmseedandgetamapletree,”asanothersayinggoes.Ifwe’reholdingresistanceandanger,we’rejustgoingtoexperiencemoreofthat.But,whenwedevelopcuriosity,westartnoticingourthoughts,ideas,perspectives,andviewpoints,andwecanbegintorecognizethattheyaren'tassolidasweoncebelieved.Inotherwords,throughthepracticeofnonresistance,throughthepracticeofwitnessingourthoughts,wecanactuallyrecognizethoseplaceswherewe are choosing a perspective that may not be the whole story. For most of us, these perspectives areconstructed from some story from the past, some belief that has become hardened in our consciousness.Nonresistanceallowsustotakeabroaderviewandaskourselves,“WhatamIchoosingrightnow?Isitpossibletoseethisdifferently?”Onceweletgoofresisting,itfeelslikewecanentertheflowofexistence,tomovewithliferatherthanagainstit.Intermsofaddiction,thepracticeofnonresistanceallowsustoletgoofthenegativeenergythat’sassociatedwithouraddictivebehaviorandattendtowhatlivesunderneath.Whenweletsomethinggo,itnolongerhaspowerinourlives.Further,whenwedoourinnerworkoflettinggo—whichisacceptanceofwhatis,evenlovingwhatis—thataffectsthecollective.Asmoreandmoreofushavethecouragetopracticenonresistance,whatweseeisarippleeffectinallaspectsoflife.Nonresistanceisoneofthemostpowerfulspiritualprinciplesthatwecanpractice.Aswebecomeadeptatit,wecometoseethatwhenwereleaseourenergyfromthethingwe’vebeenresisting,weinevitablycometoaplaceofpeaceandgrace.Ifwe’reunhappywithsomethinginourlivesrightnow,wecanstartwithnonresistanceandacceptance.WhatisNon-Judgment?Judgmentcanbeseenastheoppositeoflove.Whenjudgmentispresent,itcutsusofffromlove,orattheveryleast itconfines lovesothat itcan’t fullyreachus. Judgment is lookingat theworld in termsof“right”and“wrong;”it’sahabitofapproachingpeopleandthingsandseeingthemas“good”or“bad.”Lookingatthisintermsofaddiction,wecanframeourjudgmentalhabitsofmindasanaddictiontotheneedtoberight.What’swrongwithwantingtoberight?What’swrongwithjudgment?Wealldoit,right?Usuallywedon’teventhinkaboutit.Ifyou’relikemostpeople,youmightnotevenrecognizethatyouarejudging.Infact,mostofusareconstantlyjudging.Wejudgepeopleandthings,ideasandbeliefs,situationsandexperiences,asattractiveorunattractive,aspositiveornegative.Brainscientistshavestudiedhowwereacttothings—allkindsofthings:randomobjects,commonphrases, facesofdifferenceraces—andthey’ve foundthatwehumansmakesnapjudgmentsaboutlotsofthings.Somewouldevenarguethatwejudgeeverythingweencounter,thatweareinaconstantstateofreactiontooursurroundings.Sciencehasshownthatforapproximately97%ofourlives,wearesimplyreactinghabituallytoourenvironment.

People tend to automatically evaluate things as they perceive them. Youmight see a certain food and gethungry.Youmightseesomeonedoingsomethingandyouexperienceanemotion—youmakeajudgment,youreact. Youmight even judge yourself: You react to your own looks or behaviorwith dismay, criticism, orarrogance.Thesegutreactionsarelightningfast,andareforthemostpartunconsciousandunintentional.Thisbehaviorispartofyourcreatedself;ithashelpedyousurvive.Haveyoueverfeltjudgedbysomeone?Onwhatbasisdidtheygettheirinformation?Isitpossiblethejudgmentwasmoreaboutthemthanyou?Asthesayinggoes:“Peoplewillloveyouandpeoplewillhateyou.Andmostofitwillhaveverylittletodowithyou.”Again, thequestion is,does judgmentreallywork? Inmyexperience, judgmentasawayofresponding isalimitedandlimitingstrategywhenit’sunconscious,whenwedon’tseeitforwhatitis.Theproblemisthatoursnap judgments create apredisposition foror against the thingorpersonperceived.They createbias.Butbecausetheyareunconscious,wetendtotrustthesejudgmentslikewetrustoursenses.Theyseemneutralorobjective to us, when in fact they are not. Because our judgments are not neutral or objective, they areinherently limited;theyarenotthewholestory.Assuch,theycouldbeblindingus,keepingusfromtotallyseeingthethingorpersoninfrontofus,frombeingfullypresent.Andifourjudgmentsaregettinginthewayofbeingwhollypresent,thentheyarealsopreventingusfromexperiencingloveandconnection.Furthermore,whenwe’rejudgingunconsciouslyandhabitually,we’relivingandexemplifyingduality.Thosejudgmentsandthedecisionsthatcomeoutofthosejudgmentsarebasedonacorebeliefthattheretrulyisarightandawrong,andsoourfeelingtonedependsonwherewefitintothatschemeofthings.Injudgingtheworld,wejudgeourselves,trappingourselvesinthisdualitysothatwemustliveeithertoberightortobewrong.Thiskeepsusfeelingstuckinrelativereality,ratherthanexperiencingtheonenessofultimatereality.Fortunately, if we become conscious of our habits of judgment, we can change them.We do this first, byrecognizingwhenwearejudging;second,byevaluatingtheeffectourjudgmentishaving(doesitwork?);andthird,bypracticingnonjudgmentalresponsestoourexperience,ourselves,andtheworld.Whathappenswhenwedothis?Whathappenswhenweshiftfromjudgmenttonon-judgment?PracticingNon-JudgmentLet’slookatthefirststephere:recognizingourpropensitytojudge.Thisrequiresustoutilizethefirstpracticein this chapter, nonresistance. By practicing and developing habits of nonresistance, we can identify andobserveourjudgmentsandthenquestionwhethertheyareworkingforus.Aswesawacoupleofsectionsago,nonresistance is about becoming an observer instead of a reactor. It takes a lot of courage to remainnonresistant and thus to stay fully present. For most of us, this involves sitting and observing what ourreactions are. This canbe an external or an internal process, and itmight be easier in someways to startexternally.Forinstance,someonemakesaremarktoyou.Practicingnonresistance,youcansimplyobserve:Howareyoujudgingthissituation?Whatisyourjudgmentaboutthisperson?Thenyoucantakethatmoredeeplyinward:Youcanobservewhatthatstatementactivatesortriggersinternally.Maybeyoufeelatightnessinyourthroatoryourchestoryourstomach,maybeyouexperiencetheurgetoreact,tolashout,tojudge.Soyoucanobserveyourreaction,andrecognizeyourdesiretojudge.Andthenyoucangoevendeeper:Whatisyourjudgmentaboutyourselfinthismoment?Whatareyousayingaboutyourselfwhenyoujudgethispersonorsituation?Whatareyoubelievingaboutyourselftobetrue?Thus,wemovetothesecondstep,noticingtheeffectourjudgmentishaving.Whathappensifyoufollowthepathofjudgmentandcriticize,orlashout,ormoveaggressively?Doesyourreactionofjudgmentworkforyou

in this situation?What effect is your judgmenthavingonyour relationships, onyour interactions, onyourdecisions? Does this move you closer to love and connection? As you question your own judgments andrecognizetheirimpact,youcanmoveastepforwardandcometoaconsciousdecisionfornon-judgment.Whenyourespondwithnon-judgment,youcantakenoteofyourresponse,andnoticehowitseffectisdifferentfromthatofajudgmentalresponse.Andonandon.Themoreyoupractice,theeasieritgets.Whatwediscoveraswego through thisprocess is that judgmentgenerallydoesnotwork. It confinesourfreedom.Itstopsusfromremainingcurious,fromlookingdeeper,fromappreciatingwhatwe’rejudging.Andthat decreases our capacity for love and connection. You might find that the definitions of rightness andwrongnessyou’vebeenworkingwithlimityourfreedom.Youmightfindthattheykeepyoustuck,andcreatebarriersandseparation.Whenweobserveratherthanreact,whenwesitwithourtriggersandidentifywherewemostdesiretojudge,weoftenfindthatjudgmentofothersisjudgmentaboutourselves,it’saprojectionontoothersofourshadow,ourcorebeliefsaboutourselves.That’swhywegossip:It’saformofjudgmentthatallowsustoavoidwhat’shappeninginternally.Itletsusdivertourattentionfromourselvesontoanother.So,ifyoufindthatjudgmentislimitingforyou,perhapsthenextstepistowakeuptothepossibilityofanotherway,awaythatwillleadyoutoyouressentialself.Inthisway,thereisnojudgment.There’sonlycuriosity,acceptance,andconnection.Fortunately,throughthepracticesofnonresistance,observation,beingpresentandquestioning,wecanlearntogiveupourhabitsofjudgment.Wecanlearntoallowourtriggerstogothroughusinsteadoftakingcontrolofus.That’showwecome to theplace inouressential self that’sneutral, that’sbeyond judgment,beyondclingingtothefixedideasandconceptsweareholdingaboutourselvesandtheworld.Asweintegrateourownshadow,asweletgoofourownaddictions,aswemakepeacewithourselvesandrecognizethelovethatwetrulyare,thenthatlovebecomesmorewhatweperceiveinothers.Wenolongerenjoygossipbecauseitnolonger serves us; our tendency to judge becomesmore conscious and easier to discontinue. Our spiritualinfluencesbecomestrongerandnon-judgmentbecomesourhabit.Andthus,it’spossiblewithinthepracticeofnon-judgmentthatwecanloosenthegripofourperspectiveandopentoagreaterwayofbeingandseeing.Because,theultimatetruthofwhoandwhatweareisfreeofjudgment.Itisonewiththeultimatepoweroftheuniverse,andinthatspace,thereisnojudgment.DevelopingYourOwnUnderstandingofGodIwanttosayawordtoanyonewhogrewupwithorwhoholdsthebeliefthatthereisajudgingGodorajudginghigherpowerofsomesort.Arepercussionofthisbeliefistheideathatthereisonlyonespiritualorreligioustruth,that“thereisnosalvationoutsidethechurch,”orsomevariationofthis.Ifthisiswhereyoursenseofthedivineis,thenyoumightaskyourselfwhetheritcomesoutofaworldviewbasedon“right”or“wrong,”“good”and“bad.”Afurtherquestionmightbe,whatdoesthisimageofGodorreligionprovideyou?Howisitworking?Forinstance,it’sunderstandablethatwecanfindreassuranceintheideaofa“correct”religionora“trueGod.”Ifyoufind“thetruth”inyourreligionandarecomfortedbythat,thenwhatyoumighttrulybeseekingisawayofseeingthingsthatmakessenseoftheworld,alensthattellsyouhowtorespondtoyourexperience.Yourreligion’struthoffersyouawaytojudgeyourexperience,andtojudgeotherworldviews,fromtheconfidentgroundofrightness,or“righteousness.”Andthat’sreassuringinthisirrational,complicatedworld.Aneedthatliesfurtherintheshadowmightalsobepresentinadualisticsenseofthedivine,meaningthebeliefinaGodorhigherpowerthatis“upthere”and“outthere”somewhere.Whenweareloadeddownwithtoxicshame,whenwehaveexperiencedtraumathatisunresolved,whenwecarrycorefalsebeliefsthatthreatentobreakouronenesswithSpirit,abeliefinajudgmentalGodoranexclusivereligionmightverywellfitwithour

experience.Ifwebelieveweareessentiallyworthless,thenajudgingGodcanseemtogiveussomesenseofsalvation,butcanalsoreinforcethebeliefinourunworthiness.Ifwefeelthatwearethoroughlyanduniquelyunlovable,thenareligionthatpreachesalovingGodbutrevealsajudgingGodwillonlyconfirmourfeelings.Inthiscase,ourreligionmightprovidemoreharmthanhelpinourjourneyofrecoverytowardwholeness.So, I invite you to examine your understanding of Spirit. Does your relationship assume a right/wrong,good/bad,us/themduality?Ifitdoes,whatareyouseekinginthatduality?And,whatareyoufindingthere?Istherelationshipworkingforyou?Orareyouusingittoavoidsomethingdeeper?Ifyouarecomingupagainstthe limitsofyourrelationshipwithGod, thenyoumightcontinuetopractice thespiritualprinciples in thischaptertoshiftyourperspective.Thisshiftcanbedelicate.Aswe’vediscussed,ourearlyspiritualjourneyisoftenaboutidentifyingandlettinggoofsomeoftheoldbeliefsthatnolongerserveus.AjudgingGodoranexclusive religionmight be one such idea.Aswe grow,wemight find our old beliefs to be outdated, evencounterproductive.However,ifwesimplyturnaroundandsay,“You’rewrong!”tothereligionandthebeliefswegrewupwithorhavegrownawayfrom,we’reonlycontributingtothehabitsofjudgment:“I’mjudgingyouforbeingjudgmental.”Thisdoesn’ttransportusveryfar.We’vejustmovedour“rightness”toadifferentlevel.Wecanpracticetheprincipleofnon-judgmentnomatterwherewearespiritually(orpoliticallyorsocially).Becausewheneverwereachalevelofcomfortwithourideasandbeliefs,there’sthetemptationtoputdownroots,tosay“Atlast,I’vefoundthetruth.”Andwheneverthathappens,thetendencytojudgecreepsbackin.That’swhyweseeterriblyjudgmentalattitudes,statements,andbehaviorsthroughoutthespiritual,politicalandsocialspectrums.Asaspecies,wearenotthoroughlyimmunefromatendencytojudge.Atleastnotyet.Butwe,asindividualsonaspiritualpath,dohaveachoiceinmovingbeyondjudgmentandtowardamoreharmoniouswayofbeingintheworld.Aswerecognizeourownhabitsofjudgment,wewillbemorelikelytoquestion,notjudge,ourideasaboutGod,ourimagesofthedivine,ournotionsaboutsocietyandgovernmentand…everything.Thatmovefromjudgmenttoquestioningisasimplereflectionofhowwearewithourselvesinternally,andhowwearewithothers.So,movingbeyondjudgmentinourownlivesinturnallowsustoentertherealmofpresence.WhatisMindfulness?A lot has been said about presence and mindfulness recently, which illustrates how we are growing inconsciousnesstoaplacewheremoreofusareawareofthispractice.I'mgratefulforthisbecauseit’sthroughawareness,throughthepracticeofabsolutepresence,thatwebegintobecomemoreawaketohowwecreatewhatwe call reality. Presence is a consciouswillingness to be right here in thismoment. The reason I'mdiscussingithere,afternonresistanceandnon-judgment,isthatoncewehavebeguntopracticeawayofbeingintheworldthatisfreefromjudgmentandfreefromresistance,welandinaspacethatismorepeacefulandjoyfilled.Manyofushavespentagreatdealoftimedevelopingallsortsofstrategiestonotbepresent,tonotliverighthereinthismoment.That’spartlybecauseofourapproach—mostofushavebeentaughttogothroughlifeidentifyingproblemsandseekingsolutions.Thismeans,essentially,thatthecurrentsituationisneverOK.“IfonlyIcouldgetthatpromotion,thenthingswillbeOK,”“Ifshecouldjustunderstandme,thenthingswillbebetter.”Withthisworldview,there’salwayssomethingouttheretostrivefor.There’salwayssomewherebetterthanhere.Ourjob,evenourpurpose,istocontrol,toimprove,to“fix”ourcircumstances.Thisisafocusonthefuture,onwhatmightbe“ifonly.”Theflipsideofthisfuturefocusislookingbackonthepast.Fromthatperspective,weregretactionswetook,ordidn’ttake.Herewemightcriticizeourselvesfor

failing,notdoingthe“right” thing,notseeingtheproblemor findingthesolution.Soagain,wegetstuck inpatternsofshameandjudgment.Ifwe’vebeenlivinglifethisway,itcanbedifficulttowrapourheadsaroundtheexperienceofmindfulnessorpresence,whichisaboutrelatingtoourselvesrightinthismoment.We’vegonesolongwithoutbeingawareofwhat’shappeninginthepresentthatwecan’teventellwhatwe’refeelingorexperiencingrightnow.Whatifpresenceisournaturalstate,butwe’vebeenprogrammedtonotbeinthemoment,tobeconstantlyreliving the past or worrying about the future? From this perspective, maintaining presence involvesunlearningmorethanlearning.Oncewecometothepointwherethestrategyoffuture/pastfocusnolongerworksforus,wecanunlearnourun-presentwayofbeing. Andthenwemightfindthatpresence isn’tthatdifficult,becauseitisouressentialnature.Wedothisunlearninginpartthroughmindfulnesspractice,whichincludesmeditation.Meditationisanincrediblypowerfulwaytopracticenotonlyamindfulstateduringtheactualmeditationsession,butamindfulwayofbeingintheworld.PracticingMindfulnessAswitheverythingelseon this journey,ourawarenessshapesourexperience.Andmyearlyexperienceofmeditationwasfrustrating.AsImentionedearlier,Ithoughtthatthegoalofmeditationwastolearntoquietthemindoremptythemind.Foratleastadecade,Itrulybelievedthatmeditationwassupposedtobringmetoastateofemptiness,ablissfulexperienceoftappingintothedivine.So,eachtimeIsatonmymeditationpillowIwouldsay,“OK,mind—bequiet.”Itwasaggressive.ThemoreItoldmymindtobequiet,thelouderitseemedtoget.AndIcouldn’tseemto“fix”it.So,evenmindfulnesscanbeapproachedassomethingwelack,somethingweneedtofix,tolearn.“IfonlyIcouldlearnhowtobemorepresent...”Evenasearchformindfulnesscankeepusstuckinpatternsofshame,anxiety,andrestlessnessifit’sfoundedonacorefalsebelief.Fortunately,whatIfurthercametounderstandisthat the fundamentalbenefitofmeditation is itallowsus topracticebeing inaweand inwonderofwhat’shappening right in themoment.Meditation is away towitness ourselves, to be an observer of ourselvesphysically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, no matter how loud or quiet our thinking is. And bywitnessingourthoughts,wecancometounderstandthattheydonotrepresentthetotalityof“reality.”Ourthoughts,emotions,andbodiesarenotthewholeofourexperienceorouridentity.Inmeditation,wecanlearn tobeobserversofourbodies,emotions,andour thoughts.Wecansimplysitwith themandobservewhat’shappeningwiththem.“Howtightaremyshouldersandneck?What’sgoingoninmystomach?Lookatthatmemorythatjustfloatedintomymind.WhatamIfeelingrightnow?”Inthisway,ourperspectivebroadensfrom“Iammybody”or“Iammythoughts,”to“Ihaveabody”or“Ihavethoughts.”Witnessingcreatesaspacethatseparatesusfromourthoughts,emotionsandourbodies,andinthatprocesswebecomefreedfromthefalsebeliefthatweare thosethoughtsandideas.Wearesimplypracticingadifferentperspective—lookingthroughtheeyesoftheobserver.Andyes,thispracticecanbetransformative.Thispracticecantransformnotonlythemomentsduringmeditationbuthowweoperateintheworldaftermeditation. As we practice the power of mindfulness, our confidence is strengthened, and we havemoreawarenessofwhat’shappeninginandaroundus.Mindfulnessallowsustofeelmoredeeply,thinkmoreclearly.Soyes,ifyouchoosetopracticemindfulnessyouwillexperiencechange.Remember,mindfulnessasapracticeofwitnessingallowsustobringabsoluteclaritytothisverymoment.Whenwewitnesswhatthethoughts,emotionsandourbodiesaredoinginthemomentofmeditation,allsortsofthingscanberevealed.So,weneed

tobeinaplacewherethisrevelationiswhatwewant,wherewearereadytomakethatdecisiontogrowinourawareness.PracticingWitnessConsciousnessBywitnessingourthoughts,wecanrecognizeourlimitations,wecanidentifyplaceswherewemightbestuck.Forinstance,let’ssayduringmeditationwethink,“Thisissohopeless.IshouldhaveknownI’dbetooanxioustogetthismeditationstuff.”Ifwearethatthought,ifwetrulybelievethatwearetooanxious,thenchancesarewe’llgetstuckinit.Itwilllookliketruthtous,andthere’snoescapingthat.Butifinsteadwehavethatthought,ifwewitnessitfromthedistanceofmeditation,thenit’snotus,it’snottruth—it’sjustathought.So,ratherthanbeingdismayedordepressedbyit,wecanbecuriousaboutit.Wecanbeunstuck;wecanbefree.Similarly,bywitnessingourthoughts,emotionsandbodies,bynoticinghowwephysicallyandemotionallyrespond towhat’s happening duringmeditation,we can discover all sorts of things. For example, perhapsduringmeditationyourealize thatyou forgot tosendanemailbeforeyou left theoffice,andyourstomachsuddenlylurchesandyourheartstartspounding.Ifyouhavenodistancefromthatphysicalresponse,ifyoubelievethatyourstomachandyourheartatthatmomentaretellingthewholetruth,thenthatexperienceofanxietywillgrowinpower,andverylikelyyouwillonlygetmoreanxiousthelongeryousitthere.Butifyouwitnessyourstomachandyourheart,ifyounoticewhattheyaredoingfromaplacebeyondthem,then you’ll be able to calm down. Witnessing will allow you to wonder, to look for what’s happening.“Interesting.Iwonderwhatliesbeneaththatfeelinginmystomach.”Again,it’scuriosity,ratherthanfearorjudgment. Itcanbequite liberating.And, themoreyoupracticewitnessingyourthoughts, thequieteryourmindwillbecome.TheBenefitsofPresenceAnotherpowerfulpracticeistosimplycommittoengagingwithpresentmomentawareness.Forexample,thenexttimeyouaredoingthedishes,canyoutaketimetoactuallyfeelthedish?Canyoureallynoticethewarmwater?Whatsmellsandsensationscanyoubecomeawareof?Maybethenexttimeyouarewalking,youcanbringfocustothewayyourfeetfeelastheytouchtheground.Noticingyoureverydayactivitieswithanewanddeeperawarenesscanbeapowerfultoolinbecomingmoremindful.Beingpresentdoesn’tmeanwestopthinkingaboutthefutureorthepast.Itdoesn’tmeanwestoppreparingorremembering.Whatbeingpresentdoesischangethequalityofourplansandourmemories.Ithelpsustorecognize,onthedeeplevelofthefeelingtone,thatwearenotprojectedthere,intothefuture.Wearenotstuckthere,inthepast.Wearehere,absolutelypresent.Aswelearninmeditationtobecometheobserver,thenwecanexpandthepracticetoourdailylives.Wecannoticeourthoughtpatternsanddeeplyheldperspectives,wecannoticewhenwe’resittinginthepastorthefutureinsteadofthepresent.Aswenoticemore,wecanshiftfromopinionsandworldviewsthatkeepuslimitedin“rightness”and“wrongness.”Whenweletgooftheneedto control, to fix, to be “right,” we can rest in the moment, surrender our strategies, our opinions, ourperspectives.Wecanhavetheexperienceofpresence,ofconnection,ofwhoandwhatwereallyare.So,livinginpresentmomentawarenessiswitnessingalloflifefromaplaceofonenesswithSource.Itismakingacommitmenttobringingdeepattentiontothisverymoment.Andthatchangeseverything.Isitpossibletobeinastateofpresenceandmindfulnesseverymomentofeveryday?Isayyes.And,atveryleast,weknowitis

possibletobemoreandmorepresenteachday.Throughthepracticeofpresenceandmindfulnesswecanbethatpresenceintheworld.And,whenwearepresent,weareopentothesubtleinnerandoutermessagesthatcangentlydirectourlivesinamorepositiveandgroundeddirection.LivingintheQuestionLivinginthequestionisanotherverypowerfulspiritualpracticewecanusetobreakfreefromaddictionandliveamoreconnectedlife.It’sagreattoolfordevelopingmindfulness,becauseittrainsustoseewhat’sreallythere,ratherthanwhatourpointsofviewinfluenceustosee.AsI’vepointedoutbefore,mostofushavebeentrainedfromaveryyoungagetosolveproblems,to“findtheanswer”—whetherthat’stheanswerstolife’squestionsortheanswersonatestatschool.Wemightevenbelievethatfindingtheanswersisourpurposeinlife.Manyofusmoveintoaspiritualpracticewiththissameintention.Webeginourpracticebylookingfortheanswers,thinkingthatifwecanjust“figureoutthemeaningoflife”wewillbeokay.It’seasytofindexamplesofhowpeopleofdifferentreligionshavelivedbythisapproachoverthecenturies.Byteachingthat theyhave“theanswer,” that theirway is theonlyway,variousreligionsendupexcludingpeopleandideasandrejectingotherwaysofdoingthings.Thisisagoodexampleofhowthisapproachendsuplimiting,ratherthanexpandingourknowledgeandourperspective.It’salsoanexampleofhowconflictgetscreated.IfChristianityfindsitsanswerintheBible,andIslamfindsitsanswerintheKoran,theremightbeconflictwherethosetwosourcesdiffer.Ifpeopleinthisgroupbelievecommunismistheanswerandpeopleinthatgroupbelievecapitalismistheanswer,thentheywillhaveconflictwherethoseapproachesdiffer.Ananswer-focusedapproachcancreateconflictonapersonal levelaswell.When Ibelieve that Ihave theanswerbutyouseeitanotherway,thatmeansyoudon’thavethecorrectanswer.Iamrightandyouarewrong,andthere’sexternalconflict.OrifIbelievethatthere’sananswerouttherebutthatIamnotabletoreachit,ordonotdeservetoreachit, thenthere’s internalconflict.Almostalways,conflictcomesfromthenotionthatthereisarightandawronganswer,thatsomeonehastheanswerandotheranswers(andthusotherpeople)arewrong.Approachinglifeasasearchfortheanswercankeepusstuckinthecomfortzoneofourfalsecorebeliefs,oursmallviewoftheworldwhichassumesthere’sonlyoneway,oneanswer.Aswe’veseen,itcanbedifficulttoletgoofthisapproach.IcertainlythoughtitwasthewaytolookatthingswhenIfirstcameintospiritualpractice.Ifiguredtherewasa“right”waytobelieveandact,andifIcouldjustfigureitoutIwouldgrowspiritually.Thencameabeautifulturningpoint.Idon'tknowifitwasaneventoragradualprocess,butatsomepoint,Ibegantoopentothepossibilitythatit’snotaboutcomingupwiththeanswer,itisaboutlivinginthequestionandopeningtothisgreatmystery.Atsomepoint,Ibeganseeingmypurposenotasspiritualgrowthtowardsomeperfectstate,butasgrowinginawarenessofaperfectionthatalreadyis.Maybe that’s another difference between religion and spirituality. Religion is here to provide the answer;spirituality is here to ask questions. And in my experience, the practice of living in the question is morepowerfulthanthatofsearchingfortheanswer.Ananswer-focusedapproachissteepedinego;itcan’thelpbutbeinfusedwithourpersonaldesiresbecausethethingwearetryingtochange,whateverthatmaybe,dependsontheanswer.Weneedtheanswertoworkforus.So,whenweendupfindingananswer,it’slimitedbyourpersonalbias,ourcore falsebeliefs,our judgment.Focusingonthequestion,ontheotherhand,providesadistancebetweenme(thepersonaskingthequestion)andtheanswer(whateveritisthatIfind).Livinginthequestion allowsus to approach things fromapositionof curiosity rather than anxiety, of play rather thanurgency.Andthat’smindfulness,really.It’snon-judgmentandnonresistance.

PracticingtheQuestioningProcessHowexactlydowegoaboutlivinginthequestion?It’sactuallyquitesimple:Weaskourselvesopen-endedquestionsthatdonotstartwith“Why.”Thesearequestionslike,“WhoelsemightIwanttoconnectwithnow?”“WhatcanIdonext?”“HowcanIdiscoverwhat isminetodo?”“Whereelsemight I look?”Thesearewho,where,what,andhowquestions.Myfavoritequestioncurrentlyis“Whatelseispossible?”Beingopen-ended,thesequestionscannotbeansweredwithasimpleyesorno.Theydon’tclaimtohaveasimpleanswer.Lifeismore nuanced than that. With open-ended questions, we are less likely to create answers based on pastexperiences,andopenuptonewpossibilities.Wecanopenupratherthancontract.Wemight thinkof it in termsof science.Wecanviewscienceasadiscipline that showsus factsabout theuniverse,thatgivesusanswers.Buttheanswersthatsciencegivesarecontinuallychangingasscientistslearnmore.Ideally,scienceisendlesslyopentoeverdeeperunderstanding,anddoesn’tassumetoknowanabsoluteanswer.It’smoreaboutexaminingquestions.That’swhatascientifichypothesisis,really—a“whatif”question.So,livinginthequestionis,inaway,likelivingthescientificmethod,inanopenstancethatdoesnotassumethattheanswerswillstandforalltimeorforallpeople.Whyno“why”questions?With“why”questionswearetemptedtoimmediatelysearchfortheanswer.Withwhyquestionswe'resubtlytellingourselvesthatthere’ssomeexplanation,andifwecanjustfigurethatout,thingswillshift.Lifewillchange.It’sinterestingthatmostofthequestionsweaskfromavictimmentalityare“why”questions.“Whyisshelikethat?”“Whyarepeoplesostupid?”“Whyisthishappeningtome?”“Whydoeshetreatmelikethat?”Whyquestionsoftenassumethatwehavebeenwronged.Theyassumenotonlythatthereisarightanswer,butthattheanswerinvolvesourvictimization.Theycloseoffotherpossibilities.Andifthere’sonlyoneanswer,thenthere’sonlyoneoption.Thisisthekindofthinkingthattrapsus,thatlimitsourfreedom. When we live in the question, we’re focused not on finding the answer but on opening to thepossibilities, findingaway toexpandour consciousness toawaken toabroaderviewofourselvesand theworld. It’s an expansion of our awareness. When we live in the question our focus is not on change, orimprovement,orreachingsomeultimategoal.Ourfocusisonexpandingourawarenessofwhatelseispossible.Questionsexpand.Answerscontract.Herearesome ideas forstartingthispractice:Youmightbringanopen-endedquestiontoyourmeditationpractice.Askthequestionandpayattentiontowhatyouareexperiencingphysically,mentally,andemotionally.Stayopentotheawarenessthisbrings.Inanotherpractice,yousitinfrontofamirror,orfaceapartner.Settheclockforthreeminutes,andthenpresentthequestiontoyourreflectioninthemirror,orhaveyourpartnerask you the question. Over the set time, stay open towhatever awareness comes to you. After each shortanswer,repeatthequestion.Anotherpracticeistofocusonaquestionthroughouttheday.Pickaquestionthenightbefore,orassoonasyouwakeup.Thenliveinthatquestionasyoumovethroughyourday.Forexample,if today’s question is, “Whatmore is there forme to see?” then throughout the day youwill sitwith thatquestion.Whileyouareintheshower,whileyou’rewaitingforanappointmentoraresittingintraffic,whileyou’repreparingdinner,you’llaskyourselfthequestionandseewhatemerges.Ialsoinviteyoutonoticeifyourquestionsareempoweringordis-empowering.Ifyouobserveyourselfaskingdis-empowering questions, you might want to replace them with questions that open you up to morepossibilities,ratherthancauseyoutoshutdown.Forexample, ifyouloseyourjob,youmightfindyourselfaskingquestionslike,“Whydoesthiskeephappeningtome?”or“Whatiswrongwithme?”Hereareexamplesofmoreempoweringquestionsyoumayaskyourself:“Whatiswantingtoemergehere?”“Whatmightbemyopportunityforgrowth?”or“HowcanIallowthistomovemeforwardinmylife?”Noticehowthesequestionsopenyouuptotheinfinitepossibilitiesthatthissituationcontains.

Inthisprocess,weare,inoneway,lookingforanswerstoquestions,butnotabsoluteanswers.Weallowthequestiontogetdeepinourconsciousnessandwewaitforpossible information.Wepayattentiontoalltheplacestheinformationmightcomefrom.Theinitialawarenessmightcomefromthemindandthentheymightmovefromthegutandthenfromtheheartspaceandthenfromamuchdeeperplace.Myhopeforyouisthis:thatasyoulivewiththequestion,possibilitieswillcometoyoufromadeeperplace,fromaplaceofacceptance,wholenessandtransformation.AcceptingImpermanenceAswe live in thequestionandexpandandshiftourawareness toencompassagreaterreality,wecometorecognizethatnothingispermanentintheouterrealm.Whenwemakepeacewiththisfundamentaltruth,weallowourselvestoshiftintoawayofbeingintheworldthatconnectswithwhatispermanent,whichisSourceorGodorloveorlight–thatwhichwetrulyare.So,asweopenandletgoofournormalwayofseeingandbeing,werecognizethatthereisadeeperlevelofawareness,andwecanlivefromthisgreaterreality.Weoftenliveundertheassumptionthatthingsarepermanent.“Thisjobisperfect,”“Thisrelationshipwilllast,”“Thisbookwillstandthetestoftime.”Thisisthesortofunderlyingassumptionthathelpsusgetthroughlife,correct?Butweallknowdeepdownthatpermanenceisnotreal.It’saconceptthatwelayonthecircumstancesofour lives inordertopretend, to live indenialof impermanence,ofendings,ofdeath. It’sadelusion.Theproblemwiththisdelusionisthatitendsuplimitingus.Anytimeweholdontosomethingastruejustbecauseweneedittobetrue,thatattachment,thatnecessitywilltrapusintoalimitedwayofliving.Whenwestruggle tograspontoorcontrol things in theouterrealm,weareusuallyacting fromasenseofhelplessnessaboutwhat'shappeninginternally.Wedon’tknowhowtoprocesswhatliesintheshadow,soweclutchatpermanence,atsecurity,at“stuff.”Ifweneedtobelievethatthingslastforever,thenwewon’thavetheperspectivethatcomeswiththelongerview.Itwillfeelasifwhateverwe’reexperiencingnowisallthereis,whetherthat’sadepressiveepisode,abitofgoodfortune,oraloss.Fortunately,whenwemakepeacewithimpermanenceintheouterrealmwegettoconnectwithwhatispermanent.Andoncewehavemadeadeepconnectionwiththebedrockofourbeing,wecanrecognizethatwhat’shappeningintheouterrealmisfarlesssignificant.FromthisspaceofSpirit,wegettowitnessthechangingeventsoflifeasfleetingonafundamentallevel.ReleasingControlI'mremindedoftheTibetanBuddhistswhomakebeautifulsandmandalas.Youmayhaveseenthese. Theyspendmanyhoursmeticulouslycreatingamasterpieceoutofsand,andthemomentit’sfinishedtheysweepitallaway.Thatisameditationpractice,it’sapracticeofpeacewithimpermanence.Eventhemostbeautiful,themostvaluablethingsintheuniverseareimpermanent.Thisdoesn’tmeanthey’renotbeautiful.Itjustmeansthey’reimpermanent.Andit’sclingingtoandavertingfromtheseimpermanentthingsthatcausessuffering.Wecanmakepeacewithimpermanence,first,byallowingwhat’stranspiringintheouterrealmtocomeandgo,recognizingthatintherealmofSpirititdoesnotaffectusand,second,bydevelopingapracticeofconnectingwithwhatischangelessandeternal.Connectingwithouressentialnature,cultivatingaprofoundrelationshipwith that essential part of ourselves that doesn’t change, is the greatest way for us to make peace withimpermanence.

Imagineyou'reatabeachandyou'regoingtobuildasandcastle.Youknowthesandcastlewillbewashedawaybythetide.Andyetyoubuildthesandcastleanyway,justfortheexperienceofbuildingthesandcastle.Whathappensinourouterrealmislikethatsandcastle.Everythingwearebuilding,everythingwe'recreating,everythingwearedoing,loving,andexperiencinginourouterrealmwillonedaygetwashedaway.Makingpeace with that certainly doesn’t mean we stop interacting or loving or being deeply passionate. On thecontrary—whenweshiftourawarenessitultimatelycreatesmorejoy,morepresence,andmoreexcitementaboutourlives.Whenweare trying to controla certainoutcome,whenweneed things to staya certainway,wemiss theopportunityforhappiness.Makingpeacewithimpermanenceisawaythatwecanliveintheworldwithaweandwonderandcreativityandyetbeatpeacewithwhathappensinthecyclesoflife.Clingingtopermanencecausessuffering,embracingimpermanenceallowsusopenuptojoy.

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter6:PracticingSpiritualPrinciples

ReadingfromchaptersixofConsciousRecoveryWefightandpushandstrivebecausewe’reprogrammedtothinkoflifethroughthelensofscarcity,whichsaysthatthereisn’tenoughforeveryone.Thisassumesthatifwedon’tpush,ifwedon’tfight,ifwedon’tmanipulate,wewon’tgetwhatwewantorwhatweneed.Ifwebelievethereisalimitedamountof“stuff,”thenofcoursewe’regoingtoresist,ofcoursewe’regoingtofight,ofcoursewe’regoingtostrivetowardsomethingsandavertfromothers.Thisdescribesmyexperienceperfectly.Ispentmuchofmylifetryingtoresistwhatis.WhenIcametometaphysicalteachingsinthelate80s,IevenstartedusingthespiritualprinciplesIwaslearningasamethodtomanipulatetheouterrealm.Forexample,Ilovedtheideaofusingaffirmationstocreatethelifeofmydreams.Atthatpointinmyawareness,thismeantthatifIcouldgettheoutsidelookingacertainway,thenIwouldbeOKinternally.ReleasingStatementIamwillingtostopfightingandresisting.AffirmingStatementIamawholeandperfectspiritualbeing.SimpleMeditationPracticeThis chapter’s meditation is movement meditation. Choose a place where you can be alone. Find aninspirationalormeditativesongyouenjoy.Startthesong,closeyoureyes,andallowyourselftomovefreelywiththemusic.Ifthisfeelsoddtoyou,simplyremindyourselfthatnooneiswatching.Thisisanopportunitytoconnectwithyourselfthroughmovement.Oncethesonghasended,sitinsilenceforatleastoneminute,thenwriteaboutyourexperience.Exercises1.Non-ResistanceProcess:Thinkofasituationinyourlifethathasbeencausingyouanxietyorworry.Noticewhatyour thoughtsareabout it.Doyouhave thoughtsabouthow tocontrol theoutcome?Areyouaskingyourself“whatif?”orobsessingwithworstcasescenarios?Now,sitinsilenceandbringyourawarenesstothispresentmoment.Repeatquietlytoyourselfsomeversionofthefollowingstatements:“IamperfectlyOKinthismoment.Thefuturehasnopoweroverme.Icanreleasetheneedtocontrolandtrustthatwhateverhappensinthefuture,Ihavethetoolstohandleit.”Youmightalsoimaginea“cord”attachingyoutothesituationor

personyouarethinkingof.Now,visualizeyourselfgentlycuttingthecordandallowingthepersonorsituationtofloataway.2. Judgments Exercise:Write down your responses to the following questions, then discuss themwith apartnerifyouareinagroup,orre-readthemtoyourselfifyouarealone:

• Whatjudgmentsdoyouhaveaboutyourselfandhowthings“should”bedifferent?• Whatjudgmentsdoyouhaveoftheworldandhowthings“should”bedifferent?• Whatifrightnownothingneedstochange?• Whatifeverythingwereperfectjustasitis,evenwithitsimperfections?

Seeifyoucanletgoofthejudgmentsandresistancestowhatis.Useyourbreathtohelpyourelaxintothetension.Whathappenswhenyoumovefromresistanceintoallowance?Howdoesthatfeelinyourbody?Inyourheart?Whathappensinyourmind?3.PresencePractice:Thisprocessisprofoundlysimple.Closeyoureyesandbreathe.Doascanofyourbodyandnoticeanyareaswheretheremightbepainordiscomfort–justbepresentwiththediscomfort–donottrytochangeitinanyway.Canyougetintouchwitha“feelingtone”oftheyoubeyondthephysicalself?Noticeanyresistanceandletitbetheretoo.Whathappenswhenyoudothat?Nowtrythiswithanemotionalpainordiscomfort.Whatdoyounotice?4.LivingintheQuestionActivity:Thisinquiryprocesscaneitherbedonealoneorwithapartner.Ifdonewithapartner,startbysittingand facingeachother.Chooseoneof the followingquestions.PersonAaskspersonBthequestion,andlistensforananswer.PersonBgivesashortanswer.Withoutresponding,personAthenrepeatsthesamequestion,andsoon,forwhateveramountoftimeyouchoose.Irecommendaskingthequestionrepeatedlyforatleast3minutes.Ifyouaredoingthisprocessalone,simplyfollowtheinstructionsabove,butdoitfacingamirror.Whoareyou?Whatareyou?Whatislove?Whatisspirit?Whatisego?Whatispain?Whatisheaven?Whatishell?Howdoeslifegetevenbetterthanthis?Whatelseispossible?5.PeacewithImpermanenceMethod:Forthisexercise,Iwantyoutoimaginegoingtoabeachandbuildingabeautifulsandcastle.Noticewhatyourimaginationwouldcreate.Doesthisactivityseemfun?Doesitbringyoujoy?Now,imagineforamomentthatyourealizetheoceaniseventuallygoingtocomeupandwashthesandcastleaway.Doesthatthoughtchangethewayyoufeelaboutyourcreation?Whatareyounoticing?Now,usingthisasametaphorforyourlife,thinkofsomesituationsinyourlife.Thesemightbesituationsthatare

challenging,joyfulorsomewhereinbetween.Now,thinkofthepossibilitythatthesituationwillcometoanendorchange.Whatareyoufeelingaboutthat?Canyoumakepeacewiththefactthatineverysituationthereisabeginning,amiddle,andanend?Remember,whateverthesituation,thistooshallpass.Whatwouldittaketofindpeacewiththeimpermanenceoflife?Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Inwhatwayshaveyoubeenresistingthingsinyourlife?2. Whathasthatcreated?3. Isitworkingforyou?4. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldletthatgo?5. Whatpowerdoesjudgmenthaveinyourlife?6. Howoftendoyoufindyourselfjudgingothersoryourself?7. Whatdoesthiscreateforyouandyourlife?8. Whatdoesitcreateinrelationships?9. Howdoesitaffectyouraddictivebehavior?10. Inwhatwaysdoyoukeeplookingforproblemsandwaysto“fix”them?11. Doyouseekoutsideofyourselfforthosesolutions?12. Whateffectdoesthishaveonyourlife,yourself-esteem,youraddictivebehavior?13. Howhasanunwillingnesstobepresentcontributedtoyouraddictivebehavior?14. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldstarttoletgoofthepastandfutureandbewithwhatis?15. Whatifyoudidthatfromaspaceofnon-judgmentandacceptance?16. WhatifyourecognizedthateverythingisactuallyOK?17. Inwhatwaysmightyoubefunctioningfromthedelusionthatthingsarepermanent?18. Whatareyouclingingto,thinkingorhopingitwon’tchange?19. Isthatactuallytrue?20. Ifyouweretoletgooftheideathatanythingispermanent,includingyoursuffering,whatwouldthatcreate?

Part3

AReturntoWholeness

Breakingthecycleofaddictionbycreatingsafeplacesinwhichtounlearnourcorefalsebeliefsandtofosterourconsciousawarenessleavesusfreeto

experienceatransformedlife.Whatdoesthatlifelooklike?Whoareweoncewearefreedfromabeliefinourownbrokennessandvictimization?

Wherecanwegooncewe’renolongertiedtothoselimitedandlimiting

storiesaboutwhoandwhatweare?Whatimpactdoesourauthenticityhaveonouroutlook,ourrelationships,ourcommunities?Howdowemoveintoalifeofmoreaweandwonder,filledwithpresent-momentawareness,true

freedomandpurpose?

ThechaptersinPart3ofthisbookdescribethepotentialthatliesbeforeyouasyougodeeperintotheroomofSpirit.Chapter7willexplorehowyoucantapintoandownadeepersenseofconsciousawarenessandwillprovidemethodsformovingyourlifefrompowerlesstopower-full.InChapter8wewilluncoverthedivinemovementyoucanexperienceasyouemergefromthe

cycleofaddiction:fromlettinggotowelcomingtheshiftsinyourlife,welcomingloveandconnection,andfinally,experiencingdivineintegration.Finally,Chapter9investigateswhatitmeanstofindadeepsenseofpurposeandalifefilledwithpeaceandhappiness—thislifeofthenewparadigm.

Muchofwhatiscoveredinthissectioncanhavemultiplemeanings,

dependingonyourlevelofconsciousawareness.So,it’simportanttohavedonesomeoftheworkdescribedinpart2beforediggingintothissection.

ChapterSeven

OwningYourPower

Ourdeepestfearisnotthatweareinadequate.Ourdeepestfearisthatwearepowerfulbeyondmeasure.Itisourlight,notourdarknessthatmostfrightensus.Weaskourselves,whoamItobebrilliant,gorgeous,talented,fabulous?Actually,whoareyounottobe?YouareachildofGod.Yourplayingsmalldoesnotservetheworld.Thereisnothingenlightenedaboutshrinkingsothatotherpeoplewon'tfeelinsecurearoundyou.Weareallmeanttoshine,aschildrendo.WewereborntomakemanifestthegloryofGodthatiswithinus.It'snotjustinsomeofus;it'sineveryone.Andasweletourownlightshine,weunconsciouslygiveotherpeoplepermissionto

dothesame.Asweareliberatedfromourownfear,ourpresenceautomaticallyliberatesothers.

―MarianneWilliamson,AReturntoLoveThere’sa lotoftalk inrecoverycirclesaboutadmittingyourpowerlessness,andearly inrecoveryitcanbeimperativetoacknowledgethatyouraddictivebehaviorandyourunconsciousreactionsarerunningtheshow,sotospeak.Butasyougrowinspiritualawareness,yourperspectivewillshift.You’llreturntothelimitlesspossibilitiesoflife,andtoasenseofyouronenesswithSource,theultimatepower.Asyoufocusonyourinnerworkanddevelopmoreconsciousawareness,youwillmovefrombeingpowerlesstobeingavesselforpower,tobeingonewithpower.Inthischapter,I’minvitingyoutoconsiderhowyoucanmovefrompowerlessnesstofeelingempowered,anddiscoveringyourtruepower.Thispowerisdifferentfromwillpower,differentfromforceorcoercion;it’snot“makingthingshappen.”It’stappingintotheultimatetruthofwhoandwhatyouare.Asyougrowinconsciousawareness and begin to recognize that your core beliefs are really choices, as you find and participate insupportive communities where you feel safe enough to be vulnerable, to be authentic, as you begin toconsciouslychoosetopracticetheprinciplesofnon-resistance,non-judgment,presence,andsoon,youcanbegintoexperiencethepowerofwhoandwhatyoutrulyare.Specifically,therearefiveaspectsofpowerIwouldliketoexaminehere:thepowerofperception,thepowerofforgiveness,thepowerofcompassion,thepowerofauthenticity,andthepowerofgratitude.

ThePowerofPerceptionAll spiritual power is basedon a shift inperception, and the fundamental insight that ultimate reality, theinvisible,ismorepowerfulthanrelative,orvisible,reality.Aswegrowinawareness,wedeveloptheabilitytoshifthowweinterpretthecircumstancesoflifeandwhatwecallreality.Ourpowersofperceptiongetclearer.Howmuchoflifeisperception?Allofit.Weeachseetheworldthroughourownlens.Multiplepeopleinthesamesituationwilleachhaveadifferentexperienceofit,basedonthelensthroughwhichtheyseeit.It’snotthatonepersonseesthetruthandtheothersarewrong.It’sthatourperceptioncolorsourexperience.Asourunderstandingofthisincreases,oursufferingdiminishes.Ifweliveasifthereisarealityoutthere,atruththat’sexternaltoourperception,ifwe’reholdingontotheideathatthingsarehappeningtous,wewillsuffer.Sufferingcomesfromlivinginduality,intheideaofaseparateself,inabeliefin“us”and“everyoneandeverythingelse.”Fromthisperspective,wecontinuetoplanttheseedsofseparation.

WhenIfirstshiftedtothepossibilitythatalloflifeisperception,IbegantoaskmyselfquestionsaboutwhatIwasseeingandexperiencingratherthanhavinganopinionaboutitorajudgmentofit.Ibegantoaskdistinctivequestions. Insteadof,“Whyis lifethisway?”Iasked,“What if I lookedat lifeanotherway?”Thisshift, frombelievingthatrealityiswhatIseetoknowingitcanbeexperienceddifferently,isapointofincrediblepower,becauseaswebegintoseethatdifferentperspectivesarepossible,webecomemoreawareofourchoices,andthusourpower.So,thepowerofperceptionissimplythiscapacitytorecognizethatthereisanendlessvarietyoflensesthroughwhichwecanviewtheworld.Andit’salsotheabilitytochangeourperspective,toplaywithdifferent lensesandseewhathappens toourexperienceofwhatwecall reality. It’s theability tochooseaperspectivethat’smoreopentoloveandconnection.Here’sasimplewaytoviewthis:Let’ssayit’s75degreesandsunnyoutside.Manypeoplewillexperiencethatas“goodweather,”as“abeautifulday.”Conversely,wetendtojudgecoldandwetweatheras“badweather”or“amiserableday.”Whathappenswhenweshiftourperceptionandseesunandrainasequallysuitable?Asleetstormandacloudlessskyasequallybeautiful?Fromthatmodificationinperception,ourexperiencealsoshifts.Ratherthanfightingagainsttherain,wecouldappreciateitsmoisture.Ratherthancomplainingaboutthecold,wecould feel thebite,welcomethe iciness,andseewhat is there forus toexperience. In thatway,wecanempowerourselvestocreatealifefilledwithaweandcuriosity,regardlessofoutercircumstances.Thereisanincrediblestorythatillustratesthepowerofperspectivebeautifully.Aneuroscientistwasstudyingagroupofpeoplewhowerebornblind,andwerelatergivencorrectivesurgerythatallowedthemtoseeagain.The assumption was that once the surgery was complete, they would be able to see everything in theirenvironmentperfectly.However,totheirsurprise,itactuallytookhours,days,orevenweeksforthemtohavefullrestorationoftheireyesight.What’smore,theydiscoveredthatpeoplecouldonlyimmediatelyseewhattheyalreadyunderstoodorhadexperienced.Inotherwords,theycouldonlyseewhattheyalreadyknewtobe“true.”Inonecase,someoneheldanappleintheirhandandshowedittosomeonewhohadjusthadthecorrectivesurgery.Thepersoncouldseethehandbutnottheapple!Onlyoverabitoftime,couldtheybegintoseethatapple.Astheycontinuedthestudy,theydiscoveredthatthebrainliterallyonlyseeswhatwealreadyholdasaconcept.We can easily seehow this creates limitationbasedonourdeeplyheld concepts and ideas aboutourselvesandtheworld.Wehavepowertoshiftourperceptionandthereforeshifthowweexperiencelife.ShiftingPerceptionHere’sareviewofaconceptwecoveredinanearlierchapter:Painandsufferingaretwodifferentthings.Painisinthebody;sufferingisinthemind.Pain,atleastatourcurrentstageofevolution,seemstobeaninevitablepartofthehumanexperience.Suffering,ontheotherhand,isusuallybasedonthebeliefthatsomethingshouldbedifferentthanwhatitis.Sufferinghappenswhenweresistpain,whenwecomeupwithstrategiestoavoid,numb,orforgetpain.Itoccurswhenweisolateourselvesinourpain.Thissufferingisattherootofaddiction,becauseaddictionhappenswhenwe’retryingtofindsomethingoutsideofourselvestoendornumbourpain.Whenwegreetthepain,whenweexperienceitandallowittomovethroughus,weendsuffering.Thatmayseemcounterintuitive, butmy invitation to you is to ask yourselfwhat is thedifferencebetweenpain andsufferinginyourexperience.Andisitpossiblethatyoucanfeelthepainwithoutmovingintosuffering?Asyouletgoofyourcorefalsebeliefsandmovebeyondyourlimitedandlimitingstories,canyoufeelthepowerofthisshiftinperception?Whereisitleadingyoutoday?Howareyourespondingtothisexperienceofopenness?

AsIhopeyouarefinding,whenweletgoofourself-limitingbeliefsandexpandinourawarenesstomoveintowholeness,thingslookdifferentandsothingsaredifferent.LookatOprahWinfrey.Youmightthinkthatasablackwomanwhohadenduredsexualabuse,shewouldexperiencelifeaslimitedandlimiting.Instead,herlifehasbeenanexampleofabundanceandlimitlessness.Howdidthishappen?Shedecidedto livebeyondherprogramming,toopentoalifefilledwithpossibility,ratherthanstayingstuckinthe“reality”thatwasmodeledtoher.Letmesay itagain:Whenwe letgoofourself-limitingbeliefsandexpandourawareness, things lookdifferentandsotheybecomedifferent.Wemoveintopower.ThePowerofForgivenessForgivenessisaverypowerfultoolinlettinggooftheperspectivesthatkeepusinalimitedandlimitingwayofseeingandbeing.Forgivenessallowsus tomovemoredeeply into the truthofwhoandwhatweare, toeradicateourstoriesofseparation,powerlessness,andbeingstuckinblamingandvictimization.Manyofushaveaterrificallyhardtimewithforgiveness.Wefeelthatterriblethingshavehappenedinourlives,andweareunableto letthemgo.So, let’sstartthere,withtheexperienceof forgivenessthatmanyofushavehad.When we’re stuck in unconscious reactions, forgiveness is next to impossible. The beliefs we hold aboutourselvesandourworldbecomethelensthroughwhichweviewtheworld,thewayweframeourstories.Theylimitourperspectiveandblockusfromfreedomandauthenticity.Whenwe’relivingatthisvictim/martyrlevelofconsciousness,hearingabouttheneedtoforgivecanpushusfurtherintolimitation.Ifweareholdingtheideathatwe’refundamentallyavictim,then“forgiveness”maylooklikeadmittingthatweare“wrong”or“bad,”thatwe“deservewhatweget.”Oritcanlooklikegivingup,admittingthattheotherpersonisstrongerorbetterandthatwecannoteverwin.Fromthislevelofawareness,forgivenesssupposesthatwe’vebeenharmed,orhavelost,andthatweneedtoforgivethepersonwhoharmedus,whichcanfeellikebasicallyadmittingthatthepersonwhohurtushaswon.Fromtheperspectiveofavictim, forgivenessmightalsomeanpretendingthatthingsthathappenedinthepastneverhappened.Thisrequiresforgetting,andburyingthingsdeepintheshadow.Eitherway,thiskindofforgivenesscanfurtherstrengthenthebeliefinourownvictimizationbecauseit’sbasedontheideathatsomething“bad”needstobemaderightbyeitherrationalizingitorburyingit.Thistendstocreatemoresuffering,morelimitation.Andthatisnotempowerment.Asyoubegintoidentifyandletgoofallthosedeeplyheldbeliefsaboutyourselfandtheworldthatkeepyouinareactivestate,asyouexperiencemoreauthenticityinthesafetyofsupportivecommunity,asyoupracticethespiritualprinciplesdescribedinchapter6,asyouopentothepowerofSpirit,yourexperienceofforgivenesswillbegintoshift.DeepeningForgivenessWe may think of forgiveness as making peace with the past. That means different things from differentperspectives.Fromaplaceofnon-judgment,thepastiswhatitis.Thepastcannotbedifferent—wecannotgobackandchangewhathappened.Butwecanalterthewayweseeit.Asthesayinggoes,“It’snevertoolatetohaveahappychildhood.”Whatthisquotemeanstomeisthataswedoourhealingwork,wecanlookatthepastthroughadifferentlens.Wecantrulyfindaplaceofgratitudenomatterhowourchildhoodlooked.Thisisinnowaysayingthatwedon’tsometimesfeelpainorsadnessaboutourpast.Whatitispointingtoisthatwehavethepowerwithinourselvestoreframeandfindgratitudeinanyofourpastsituations.

Thisshiftmaynothappenovernight,andincertainsituationsreconciliationmightnotbeeasy.Evenasyou’redoingtheinternalworkandgrowinginawareness,youmaystilltendtoexperienceforgivenessasdirectedoutward,focusingonhowsomeone,evenyou,hastreatedothersratherthanonyourowninnermovement.Ifyourexperienceofforgivenesspushesyoubackintoyourstoriesofvictimhood,thatmaymeanyouneedtodosomemoreoftheworkdescribedinearlierchapterstohelpbreakthecycle.Oritmayjustmeanyouneedtoaskyourselfsomefurtherquestions,toreapthebenefitsofalltheinnerworkyou’vebeendoing.So,let’slookatsomeofthosequestions.Thinkofasituationinwhichyoufinditdifficulttoforgive.Whatisthestoryyouhavebeentellingaboutthatsituation?Wherehaveyoubeenespeciallyattachedtothatstory—whatbeliefdoesitsupport?Isthereanotherwaytolookatit?Keepingthatsituationinmind,whathappenswhenyouletgooftheideathatonestoryis“right?”Whathappenswhenyouapproachwhathappenedwiththeneutralityofanimpartialobserver?Canyouletgoofyourinitialreactivestoryaboutthesituationandopenyourselftootherpossibleperspectives?Ifyoucan,whathappenswhenyoudothat?ForgivenessandAccountabilityWhenweletgooftheego’sattachmenttoaparticularstoryoraspecificverdictaboutwhois“right”andwhois“wrong,”coulditbethatwenolongerevenneedtoforgive?Ifwereleaseourholdon“right”or“wrong,”it’seasiertoseepeopleasreactingandrespondingoutoftheirownperspectives,theirownlimitedexperiencesand imperfect knowledge. It’s then a relatively short step tomove from guilt, remorse, and forgiveness tosomethingmorelikeresponsibility,resolution,andreconciliation.Wedon’tneedtoignorethepaininourlives.Forinstance,wewouldnotstayinanabusiverelationshipoutoftheideathat“Thereisnoguilthere;whateverhappens,happens.”Wewouldnotbelievethatwearenolongeraccountableforouractionsbecause,“Hey,I’veletgoofego.”Thatisnotwitnessconsciousness.It’spossiblydenial.Ofcourse,we’reaccountable.Ofcourse,wemightstillfeelpain.Whenwefeelhurt,ourfirstreactionmightbeto feel anger, to lash out, to want to harbor a grudge. When we experience those reactions in consciousawareness,wemightstill feelthatpain,butthenwegoontowitness it, toobserveourreactions,andthenchoosehowtorespond,lettinggooftheneedforsomeonetobewrongorright.Similarly,ifwedosomethingthatcausespain tosomeoneelse,wemaystill feelan initial triggerofshame,andmaybe fromthat feelingspringsdefensiveanger.Inconsciousawareness,we’reabletolookatthesereactionscompassionately,whichempowersustothenmovebeyondthemtochoosethenextstep.Whenwearriveatthemysticallevelofconsciousness,ofrecognizingouronenesswithlife,thereisnolongeranything to forgive. This place of alignmentwith ultimate reality acknowledges that the cause of anyone’sharmfulbehaviorisseparationfromtheiressentialself.WhenwereachastateofonenesswithSourcethroughtheprocesswe’vebeenexaminingthroughoutthisbook,werecognizethatthere’snothingtoforgivebecausewecanseethateverythingthat’shappenedinourlifehasplayedapartinourtransformation;it’sbeenusefulingetting uswherewe are. And aswe grow in conscious awareness, forgiveness becomesmore of a naturalprocess.Atthislevelofawareness,weshiftfromforgivenesstocompassionandgratitude.

ThePowerofCompassionMuchofmyworkinvolvessittingwithclientsastheydescribetheirpainandtheirsuffering.Iusedtothinkthatmyjobasacompassionatecounselorwastoidentifyintheirstorieswhatwas“wrong,”andthenhelpthemfixit.AsIdidmyownworkofinnerhealing,Ibegantounderstandthatcompassionisn’taboutjudgingwhat’swrongandhelpingtofixit,it’saboutbeingonewiththeotherandseeingoursharedhumanity.PemaChödrönputsitthisway:“Compassionisnotarelationshipbetweenthehealerandthewounded.It'sarelationshipbetweenequals.Onlywhenweknowourowndarknesswellcanwebepresentwiththedarknessofothers.Compassionbecomesrealwhenwerecognizeoursharedhumanity.”WhenIamwillingtoseebeyondthestory,beyondthebehavior, andbeyond the symptoms, somethingprofound transpires.When Iwitness clients aswhole andperfect, something profound transpires.When I hold a space for them to access their own innerwisdom,somethingprofoundtranspires.AsRachelNaomiRemenwrites,“Wedonotservetheweakorthebroken.Whatweserveisthewholenessofeachotherandthewholenessinlife.”Myfirstspiritualteacher,MaryHelenBrownell,onceledagroupofusonapilgrimagetoIndia.Ourfirststop,andthejourney’sfirstlesson,wasatLAX,wherewewaitedformanyhours.Inthewaitingareawasayoungmotherwhowasbecomingveryfrustratedwithherinfantandscoldingloudly.SoonIcouldfeelthejudgmentintheroomaspeoplebecameangrywiththemother.MaryHelendiffusedthattensionquitesimply.Shewalkedcalmlyuptothewomanandsaidkindly,“Iwasayoungmotheronce,andIknowhowfrustratingitcanbe.HowcanIhelpyou?”Shesatwiththisyoungwomanforabouthalfanhour.Ididn’thearanythingelsethatwassaidinthisinterlude,butMaryHelen’ssimpleactionhadaprofoundimpactonme.Itshowedmethatwecaneitherjudgeorwecanserve.Wecaneitherjudgeorwecanlove.Wehaveachoiceinhowwerespondtolife.Someofushavedifficultyimagininghowthislevelofcompassionispossibleevenwhenfacedwithfairlyminorlikesomethingorsomeonewhoisannoying,acryingbaby,oranunhelpfulairlinerepresentativeduringalongflightdelay.Adeeperquestionbeyondthatis,howcanIrespondwithcompassioninthefaceofaseeminglyunbearable injusticeor intensepain?Yes,even then it’spossible.Whensuchaneventhappens inourownlives—orintheworld,asitdoessooften—thefirststepistofeelwhateverwe’refeelingasdeeplyaspossible,andtohonorwhatevertimethisprocesstakes.FeelingYourFeelingsIfyouexperiencepain,thenletthathappen.Reallyallowyourselftofeelwhateverfeelingsarepresent.Whenyouallowyourselftoactuallyfeeltheemotions,theyorganicallymovethroughyouratherthangettingtrappedorburied.When it comes toemotions, theonlywayout is through.Practicing thisallowsyou to feelgreatsorrowandloss,evenanger,whilealsofeelingcompassion.Italsoallowsthenaturalprocessofthefeelingstodissipateafteryougiveyourselfpermissiontobefullypresentwithwhatevershowsup.Remember,feelingyourfeelingsandrespondinginaconsciouswayisdistinctlydifferentthanhavingafeelingand reacting to it. If you react to any situationwithout tapping into conscious awareness, you are simplycontinuingwhatcausedthesituationinthefirstplace.Sayyouperceivethatsomeoneinyourlifehasbeentreatedunfairly.Inresponsetothatexperienceyoumightfeelangry,andinturnyoumightwanttofigureoutwho is toblame,even to seekrevenge. If youreact from feelingswithoutquestioning them, if youactivelyidentify“thepersonwhodidthis”astheproblem,ifyouactivelyjudgeorhurttheperson,itonlyaddstotheaggressionthatcreatedtheoriginalsituation.Youareonlycontinuingthecycleofviolence.

Feelingsarepresentforareason.Theyaretheinternalnavigationsystemthatislettingusknowsomethingneedsattention.Theissueformanyofusisthatwebelieveapersonorasituation“makeus”feelacertainway.Whenwebecome fullyaccountable forouremotions,wecanbegin todialogandquestion thedeeper rootcausesofourfeelings.Aretheycomingfromastoryoranoldideaweareholding?Isthereanotherwaytoviewthesituation?Thekeyhereisaccountability.Whenwetakeownershipforouremotionalresponse(orreaction)toasituation,werecognizeitisnotthesituationthatcausesustofeelacertainway.Itisquitepossiblyanunhealedwound thathasbeen touched,andwith thisawareness,wecan find freedom in themidstofanyemotionalexperience.Inthisway,wecanbegintoshiftthefeelingitself.Asaconsciousbeing,yourfeelingsofangerorfrustrationorvengefulnessmaystillemerge.However,asyouallowyourselftofeeltheemotionsandpracticewitnessconsciousness,youwillnotbeimprisonedbythem.Theywon’tforceyoutoreactinanger.Ifyouhavefeelingsofanger,youcanchoosetofeelthefeelingsdeeply,allowthemtopassthroughyou,thenrespondinloveandacceptance.Andthemoreyoudothis,theeasieritbecomes.Overtime,youwilldiscoverthatfeelings,likeanger,subsidethemoreyoupracticethis.ThePowerofAuthenticityHowmanytimeshaveyoufeltobligatedtorespondpositivelywhensomeonesays,“Hi,howareyou?”Manyofusanswer“Great!”or“Blessed!”or“Awesome!”evenwhenwe’renotfeelinganyofthosethings.That’sasurfaceexampleofwhatmanyofusfeelinternally:thatwhat’simportantistolookgoodontheoutside,tohideoursuffering.Wesometimesfeelit’sanactofweaknesstobehonestandtalkaboutwhat’strulyhappening.Thiskindof inauthenticity is at the rootof addiction.Addiction is the resultof strategiesweuse forhiding, forkeepingsecrets,foravoidinghonesty.Oneoftherootcausesofaddiction,aswesawinpart1,istoxicshame,and shame needs inauthenticity to survive. It needs secrecy and silence. The addiction that inauthenticitycreatescancreatechaosinyourlifeandthelivesofothers,anditcanevenkillyou.AsBrenéBrownstatedinhergroundbreakingbook,TheGiftsofImperfection:“Authenticityisacollectionofchoicesthatwehavetomakeeveryday.It’saboutthechoicetoshowupandbereal.Thechoicetobehonest.Thechoicetoletourtrueselvesbeseen.”Evenwhenwe’recomingoutofaddiction,oftenwe’restillhiding,we’renotreadytobewhollyourselves,tohonorthefullrangeofwhoandwhatwearewithothers,orevenwithourselves.ManypeopleIworkwithwhoareenteringrecoverywillsaythingslike,“Ifyoureallyknewme,youcouldnotpossiblyloveme.”That’stoxicshame,whichcanleadtoseparationandcancreatethecycleofaddiction.Onaspirituallevel,though,recoverycallsustobeauthentic,tobringourwholeselfintotheroom.Weexperienceadeeperhealingwhenwe’renotsocaughtupinthefearof“lookingbad”orinthedesireto“lookgood.”Inconsciousrecovery,it'snotabouteradicatingwhatweconsider“bad”or“negative,”it'saboutembracingit,allowingittobe,andrecognizingthatitisnottheultimatetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Aswegrowinsafesupportivecommunity,wefeelabletobemoreauthentic,andwefindmorewaystofullyintegrate.Wecanexperiencethis inanyrecoveryprogramwherethereisencouragement,andanycommunitythatshowsushow to bemore vulnerable and authentic. Through conscious communitywe can create relationships andspacesinourliveswherewecanbemoreofwhowetrulyare,wherewecanspeakourtruthevenwhenourvoicebreaks.

EmbracingAuthenticWholenessIntherealmofultimatereality,nothingisessentiallybroken.Whenwecanlivefromthistruth,theprocessofrecognizingthosepartsofourselvesthatfeelbrokenandbringingthemtothelightsothattheycangethealedisdeeperandmoreprofound.It'sbyworkingthroughourdarkperiods,byuncoveringourdeepestshamesandsorrows,thatwecanhaveourgreatesttransformation—ifthatcourageousauthenticityisrootedinthetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Thepowerofauthenticitybecomesevidentwhenwewitnessourdarknessfromaplaceofwholenessandperfection.Rememberthediscussionaboutattachmentstylesinanearlierchapter?Well,authenticityplaysamajorroleinmovingusintohealthyattachment,becausehavingthecouragetobeourfullyauthenticselfandspeakaboutwhat is truly happening for us is a way to develop and cultivate healthy and secure attachments in ourrelationships. I am not referring to “needing” to have our voice, or “speaking our truth” from a victimperspective, although this may be an important stage in our development. I am talking about creatingrelationshipswhereitissafetotrulysharethedeeper,moreauthenticaspectsofwhatweareexperiencing.This also shows up in the communication style we use. Most of you are probably aware of the fourcommunicationstyles:aggressive,passive,passive-aggressive,andassertive,right?Well,Ihavereframedtheassertivestyle,andnowrefertoitastheauthenticstyleofcommunication.Ourcommunicationstylesoftendevelopfromourfamilysystems,andwehavecometouseaparticularcommunicationstyleasastrategytofeelsafe.Movingtowardanauthenticcommunicationstyleallowsustonotonlyfeelmorecomfortableinourownskin,itallowsustohavedeeper,moremeaningfulrelationships.There’sanadditionalbonustoo:Authenticitygrowsandisshared.Whenwehavefoundasafeplacetobringallofourselvesintotheroom,includingthingswehavefeltshameaboutandfeelingsandexperiencesthatlieintheshadow,ultimatelyweexperiencingmoreconnection,strongerrelationships,andamorefullygroundedsense of self. As it turns out, people generally respond positively to authenticity.Whenwe can share ourexperiencesofsufferingandbrokenness,othersquiteoftenrespondwiththeirownexperiences.Whenwecanreallybeourselves,withoutworryingabouthowitlooksorseems,thatjoyispalpableandcontagious.That’sthepowerofauthenticity.Aswithallofthesegifts,whatwefeedwillgrow.Aswegodeeperintorecoveryandconsciousawareness,wedevelopmorecouragetoletotherstrulyseeus.Itgetseasier;itbecomesourwayofbeing.Asateacheroncetoldme,“Thespiritualjourneyisnotabout“gettinggood;”it’saboutbecomingmoreandmorereal.”That’sauthenticity.ThePowerofGratitudeGratitudemaybeoneofthemosttalked-aboutspiritualprinciplesthereis,andmanyofushavelearnedthatgratitudeisapowerfultoolforspiritualawakeningandrecovery.Manyofusmakegratitudelists,orkeepagratitude journal.This iswonderful. It teachesusto feelgrateful, tobemoreopentopositivity.That’sveryimportantforthoseofusworkingtoletgooftheemotionalhabitsleftoverfromourcorefalsebeliefs.Ifwe’reworkingonunlearning,ifwe’relettinggoofourstoriesofvictimization,ifwe’retryingtostoplivingasiftheworldisdoingsomethingtous,thenwecanstrengthenourgratitudebyfindingsomethingtobegratefulforineverysituation,findingwhateverlightappearsinthemidstofthedarkness.Forthereisalwayslight.From that insight, I want to take things a little deeper by talking about the tendency to force gratitude.Sometimes it seems like “living in gratitude”meanswe need to feel perpetually grateful. Our desire to begratefulmightleadustobelievethatweneedtofeelloveforandharmonywitheverythingandeveryone,24-

7.Somespiritualcommunities,forexample,seemtowanttofocusonlyonthelight,tocalleverythinggoodwithoutaddressingthedeepershadow,orthedarkness.Whenwetalkonlyaboutloveandlightwithoutalsoaddressingsomeof themoredifficultexperienceswehave, itonlyaddsto that familiarpressuretoalwayspretendtobehappy,whichcanbeinauthentic.Anditisn’tauthentictoforcefeelingsthataren’ttrulythere.This brings us back to the power of authenticity. What would it be like to be grateful for all aspects ofourselves—notjustthosethingsthatlooklikeloveandlightbutalsotheaspectsofourshadow?Thosethingsarepartofourexperience.It’sallfuelfortransformation.Thosepartsofourselvesthatwewouldliketochangeorshiftcanbehelpedbyholdingaspaceofgratitude,ratherthantryingtoburythem.Themorewecanbegratefulforitall,thelessblockedwearebyshameandblame.Thisinturnfuelsourauthenticity.Whenwearegratefulforallexperiences,allaspectsofourselves,notjustforthosethingsthatseem“good,”thenwehavemorecouragetoletothersseeallofus,whichinturninvitesmoreloveandconnectionandmoreopportunitiestorectifythosethingsthatneedhealing.So,gratitudefeedsauthenticityandauthenticityfeedsgratitude,inever-wideningcirclesofloveandconnection.It’s great to be able to feel gratitude for the “good” things even in the midst of a terrible situation—thecommunitythatcametogethertosupportthosehurtinahurricaneorthepolicychangesthatoccurredafteraterribleinjustice.However,thelimittothisapproachisthatitstillcategorizeseverything:“Thiswasbad,butI’mgoingtofindthegood.”Assoonaswehaveafeelingofwrongness,ofjudgingtheperceivedperpetrator,oridentifyingtheheroesinthesituation,immediatelythatjudgmentsolidifiestheideathatweareseparate.Soeven our practice of gratitude can end up strengthening duality, judgment, and inauthenticity, rather thanfocusingononeness.BeingGratitudeOurgrowingawarenesscanhelpuswhenwefallintothispattern.Ifyoubecomeawarethatyourpracticeofgratitudeislimitedandlimitinginthisway,itmaybetimetomoveintoadeeperpractice:notjustbeinggratefulforthings,notjustfeelinggratitude,butbecominggratitude.Atthislevel,gratitudeisnotonlyafeeling—it’salsoawayofseeingandofbeing.It’sastateofgratitudenotonlyfortheworld,butintheworld.Whenwe’reinthemidstofadifficultsituation,beinggratitudemeanshonoringthedifficulty,acknowledgingthefeelingsofanger,sadness,orfrustration,andyetatthesametimetappingintotheultimatetruthofwhoandwhatweareandlivingfromanultimateallowanceofwhatis.Tobegratitude,wedon’tneedanythingtochangeintheouterrealm.Nordoweneedtochangeourexperienceofdifficultyortoshutdownourfeelings.As our inner vibration of gratitude grows, itmanifestsmore in the outerworld,whichmatches our innervibrationandgivesusmoreandmorethingstobegratefulfor.Inotherwords,themorewepracticegratitude,themorelifeseemstogiveustobegratefulfor.Evenwhenthingswedesirehavenotmanifestedyet,wecanbe grateful for their approach, for their transpiring. And this gratitude changes our perspective and thuschangesreality.Anotheraspectofthepowerofgratitudeliesinourawarenessofultimatetruth,whichwehavebeendiscussingthroughoutthisbook.Whenwecanknow,andhaveafeelingtoneofouronenesswithSpirit,thenwecanbegratefulnotonlyforthethingsthatwesee,butalsoforthehealingthatweknowandtrustishappeningallaround theworld. So, I invite you to open to the possibility that you can live in a space of open-heartedawarenessandbegratitudeintheworld.Livingthiswaywillfreeyoufromtheneedtorejectanysituation,person,ormemory;itallowsyoutostandinthemidstofanythinghappeningandwelcomeitall.

Insomesituations,thismightmean“findingthegoodinalloflife,”oritmightmeantappingintothatultimatetruthand living fromultimateacceptanceofwhat is. It'sacontinuousprocess. Inorder tobegratitude,wecontinually check back in with our oneness with Source. It’s amoment bymoment choice.Whenever werecognizethatwe’rejudging,wheneverwerecognizethatwe’relookingatasituationorapersonorourselveswithcriticismratherthanopenness,wecanchoosetoreturntothisconnection,whichisloveandgratitude.Inthesamewaythatloveandfearcannotpossiblyliveinthesamemoment,judgmentandgratitudecanalsonotco-exist.Wheneverwestepintojudgment,we’vesteppedoutofgratitude.And,eachtimethishappenswecanchoosetoreturntothemorepowerfulawarenessofgratitude.Iinviteyoutoaskyourselfthequestions:“Whatismyexperienceofgratitude?AndisitpossiblethatIcanbegratitude intheworld, inadditiontofindingthingstobegrateful for?”“CanIchoosetoreturn,momentbymoment,tomyonenesswithSpirit?”Thisisanewwayofbeingandseeing,atransformationalpowerthatcanaltereverythinginyourlife.Iinviteyoutogiveitatry.Afterall,lifeisagreatexperiment.Whynottryitandseewhathappens?

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter7:OwningYourPower

ReadingfromchaptersevenofConsciousRecovery

I’minvitingyoutoconsiderhowyoucanmovefrompowerlessnessto feelingempowered,anddiscoveringyour truepower.Thispower isdifferent fromwillpower,different from forceorcoercion; it’snot “makingthings happen.” It’s tapping into the ultimate truth of who and what you are. As you grow in consciousawareness and begin to recognize that your core beliefs are really choices, as you find and participate insupportive communities where you feel safe enough to be vulnerable, to be authentic, as you begin toconsciouslychoosetopracticetheprinciplesofnon-resistance,non-judgment,presence,andsoon,youcanbegintoexperiencethepowerofwhoandwhatyoutrulyare.ReleasingStatementInowreleasetheneedtogiveawaymypower.AffirmingStatementIamonewiththeultimatepoweroftheuniverse.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisanopen-eyedmeditation.Setthetimerfor10minutes.Findacomfortableplacetosit.Oncethetimerhasbegun,simplyallowyoureyestowanderaroundtheroom.Theintentionistosimplynotice.Seeifyoureyeswanttostopandstareataparticularobject.Noticehowquicklyorslowlyyoureyeswant to move. Trust that whatever you do, it is perfect. Once the timer has sounded, write about yourexperience.Exercises1.PerceptionExercise:Ifyouaredoingthispracticealone,Iinviteyoutowriteoutyouranswerstothesequestionsandreflectonthem.Ifyou’reinagroup,shareyouranswerswithapartner.“Wehavethepowertoshiftourperceptionandthereforeshifthowweexperiencelife.”Whatdoesthisstatementmeantoyou?Inwhatwayshaveyoubeenperceivingyourself?Youraddiction?Whatwouldhappenifyoulookedatyourselfandyouraddictionthroughadifferentlens?Forexample,insteadoffocusingonwhat’sbadorwrongwithyouandyouraddiction,whatifyoucouldask,“What’srightaboutthis?What’srightaboutme?”or“Whatifthereisnothingwrongwithmeatall?”

2. Forgiveness Process: Think of a situation inwhich you find it difficult to forgive. Nowwrite out youranswerstothesequestions:

• Whatisthestoryyouhavebeentellingaboutthatsituation?• Inwhatwayshaveyoubeenespeciallyattachedtothatstory—whatbeliefdoesitsupport?• Isthereanotherstoryaboutit,anotherwaytolookatit?• Keepingthatsituationinmind,whathappenswhenyouletgooftheideathatonestoryis“right?”• Whathappenswhenyouapproachwhathappenedwithwitnessconsciousness,withtheneutralityof

anobserver?• Canyou letgoofyour initialreactivestoryaboutthesituationandopenyourself tootherpossible

perspectives?• Ifyoucan,whathappenswhenyoudothat?• Whatdoesforgivenessmeantoyou?• Ifyoulookedatitfromthemysticallevelofconsciousness,where“There’snothingtoforgivebecause

wecanseethateverythingthat’shappenedinourlifehasplayedapart inourtransformation,”whatcouldthatopenforyou?

• Whatwouldhappentoanyshameorjudgmentsyouhaveofyourself?Ofothers?• Whatfreedommightbeavailablefromthisperspective?

Now,writeaforgivenesslettertoeveryoneyouwouldliketoforgive,evenifyou’renotsurethatyouarereadytoforgivethem.(Youmayormaynotsendthisletter,sotheinvitationisto“getitallout.”)Placetheletter(s)under your pillowwhen you go to sleep tonight and ask for guidance from your dreams. Read the lettertomorrowanddecideifyouwanttoeditit,sendit,orholdontoit.Remember,thechoiceisyours.Iamnotsuggestingyou“pretend”toforgiveifitdoesnotfeelauthenticforyounow.3.CompassionMethod: If youaredoing thispracticealone, I inviteyou towriteoutyouranswers to thefollowingquestionsandreadthemeverymorningforaweek.Ifyou’reinagroup,shareyouranswerswithapartner:

• Whatdoescompassionmeantoyou?• Doyouhavecompassionforyourselfandthechoicesyouhavemadeinyourlife?• Doyouhavecompassionforothers?• Areyouabletohavecompassionevenwhenextremelypainfulorunjustthingshaveoccurred?• Hasalackofcompassioncreatedmoresuffering?• Whatcouldbepossibleifyouwouldchoosetohavemorecompassionratherthanjudgment?

4.AuthenticityActivity:Thisactivityrequiresagroupofpeople.So,thisisanopportunitytobuildsafeandsupportivecommunity.Invitesomecloseandtrustedfriendstoparticipate.(Orthiscanbedonewithpeopleyoudon’tknowwellifyouallagreetobesupportiveandmaintainconfidentialityregardingwhatisshared.)Theprocessissimple.Sitinacirclewhereyoucanallseeeachother.Haveonepersonbeginandsay:“Ifyouknewme,youwouldknow…”(Theytellsomethingaboutthemselves.)Then,goaroundthecircleandhaveeveryonecompletethe“Ifyouknewme,youwouldknow…”statement.Doatleastthreeroundsofthis.“IfyouREALLYknewme…IfyouREALLYREALLYknewme…”Onceyouhavecompletedtherounds,checkinwithalltheparticipantsandaskthesequestions:“Doyoufeelcloserorfurtherawayfromthepeopleintheroom?”and“Howdoyoufeelaboutwhatyoushared?”Giveeveryoneplentyoftimetosharewhattheyneedtoreveal.The

teachingpointhereisthatmostoften,wefearthatifweletsomeoneseeourauthenticselftheymayjudgeusorabandonus,butinalmosteverycase,peopleactuallyfeelcloser.Spendsometimereflectingonthisprocess.5.GratitudePractice:Writedown5thingsforwhichyouaregratefuland5thingsthatyouarestrugglingwithor that are challenging for you.Discuss the things forwhichyouare gratefulwith apartner, or re-read toyourselfifyouarealone.Noticehowthatfeels.Thenshare(orre-read)thechallengesandnoticehowyoufeel.Isthereadifference?Now,seeifthereissomethingyoucanbegratefulforaboutorwithinthosechallenges.Ifyouhaveahardtimeidentifyinganything,askyourpartnertohelpyou.Ifyou'reonyourown,askafriendorlovedone.Now,rewritethechallenges,includingsomethingyoucanbegratefulforwithinthatchallenge.Forexample,youmightsaysomethinglike:“BecauseIlostmyjob,Iwillnowhavethetimetofocusonwhatreallymakesmehappy.”Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:“Suffering…isusuallybasedonthebelief thatsomethingshouldbedifferent thanwhat it is.Sufferinghappenswhenweresistpain,whenwecomeupwithstrategiestoavoidornumborforgetpain.”

1. Inwhatwayshaveyoucreatedsufferingforyourselfbyresistingpain?2. Howhasthisledtoaddictivebehavior?3. Whatbeliefshaveyouhadthatcreatethatsuffering?4. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldletthosego,orshiftyourperceptionofthem?5. Howmightinauthenticitybeattherootofyouraddiction?6. Inwhatwayshaveyoubeenhiding,keepingsecretsthroughyouraddiction?7. Areyouafraidto“lookbad”ordoyoudesireto“lookgood?”8. Howdoesthatimpactyoursenseofself?9. Howdoesitimpactyouraddiction?10. Haveyoueverhadanexperiencewhenyouletyourguarddownandallowedyourselftobevulnerable?11. Whatwasthatlikeforyou?12. Whatwouldhappenifyouwouldchoosemoreofthat?13. Whatwoulditbelikeifyouweretowitnessyourdarknessfromaplaceofwholenessandperfection?14. Whatiftherewereneveranything“wrong”withyou?15. Whatifyouwereperfectandwholejustasyouare?16. Arethereanywaysinwhichyouhavepretendedtobegratefulandhappyevenwhenit’snottrueforyou?17. Whateffecthasthathadonyourself-esteem?18. Whatwoulditbeliketobegratefulforallaspectsofyourself—notjustthosethingsthatlook“good?”19. Whatwoulditbeliketobegratitudeintheworld?20. Whatmightthattransformforyouandyourlife?

ChapterEight

TheGreatRemembering

Whatallofusmostwantistheexperienceofourownessentialnature.Thisyearningisbehindeveryworldlydesire.Whenweareoutofcontactwithourownessence,welookforfulfillmentfromtheworld.Tofulfillourdesires,wedevelopastrategythatrequiresrepressingsomeaspectofourselvesbecausethatqualityappearsto

bethethreattothefulfillmentofourdesires.

―RobertBrumet,BirthingaGreaterRealityWeoftenliveasifourenlightenmentisgoingtohappensomeday.Wetreatourspiritualjourneylikeit’sagoalweareheadedtoward,orsomethingwelackandneedtoattain.Weviewthespiritualjourneythroughthelensofbeingbrokenandneedingtobefixed.Butaswe’veseeninthisbook,wearebornintotheworldalreadyknowingouressentialself.So,enlightenmentisalreadypresent.Thismeansthatourspiritualjourneyissimplyamatterofrememberingthisfundamentalknowledge,whichwemayhavelostthroughabandonment,through“thedomesticationofthehuman,”throughunresolvedtrauma,spiritualdisconnection,andtoxicshame.ThisGreatRememberingisthesourceofincrediblepower:thepowertoexperiencegreatchange,orwhatIcallU-turns,thepowertoembraceloveanddeepenconnection,thepowertointegratewithourauthenticself.ThisallstartswiththeprocessIhopeyou’reexperiencingasyouworkthroughthisbook:lettinggo.

LettingGoThestrategiesofresistanceandcontrol thatwe’ve learnedandpracticedthroughoutour livescan leaveusfeelingtrappedinlimitedandlimitingpatternsandstories.Thesestrategieskeepusfrozenintheemotionallytriggeringchargeassociatedwitheverythinginrelativereality,unabletoexperiencelifeinafullypresentway.Stuck in that insignificantplace, in thestorieswe tellourselvesabout “reality,”wemissoutonwhat livinggenuinely is,which is theexperienceofwonderandawerighthere in thismoment.Tobreak freeof thesepatternsandstories,weunlearn—weuncoverourcore falsebeliefsand integratewhatwehavehidden inshadow.Andinsodoing,weletgooftheideaofalimitedself,aselfthatisseparatefromSource.Weletgoofallourthoughtpatterns,allourbeliefs,allthosebehaviorsthatkeepussmallandseparate.Andinlettinggo,wecomeintotheexperienceofTheGreatRemembering:ThedeeplyfeltknowingthatweareonewithSource.Wehavereturnedtoourstateoforiginalperfection.Thiskindoflettinggoisapowerfulcomponentofspiritualawakening.There’smorepowerinlettinggo,inyielding, and in redirecting energy than there is in resisting, controlling, and pushing back. When we’restruggling with addiction, we’re resisting. We’re pushing back against our inner need to be present withourselvesinthemoment.Addictivebehaviorissimplythat—aresistancetopresence,astrategyforavoidingwhat’sherenowbecauseit’stoopainfulortooshameful.Lettinggointhecontextofaddictionmeansnotonlyreleasingtheideathatweareinherentlybrokenandneedtochange,butalsoreleasingallthestrategieswe’veperfectedforprotectingwhatweperceiveasourbrokenness.Theultimatesurrenderisnotsurrenderingthosepartsofusthatare“bad,”butsurrenderingtowhoandwhatweareaswholeandperfect.Thisisnotaboutlookingperfectontheoutside;it’saboutrestinginthatoriginalperfection,theblueprintthatweareasspiritualbeings.

Oneofthebeliefsthatmanyofusareunlearningisthatlifeisaboutidentifyingproblemsandfiguringouthowto fix them.Lettinggoopensamajor shift in thatparadigm;aswe let goof the idea that life is a seriesofproblems,wecanchoosetoseethattheonlyproblemthatexistsisaprobleminweholdinourminds.Theonlythingkeepsusfromwakinguptothetruthofwhoandwhatweareistheideathatwecan’twakeup.Theonlythingthatblocksusfromenlightenmentistheideathatweareblockedfromenlightenment.Forsomepeople,thisshiftcomesinaninstant.Formanyofus,it’salifelongpracticeofquestioning,unlearning,andgrowinginawarenessofourdeeperselves.MakingU-TurnsHaveyoueverrealizedthatit’stimeforaU-turn?Timetomakearadicalchangeinyourlife?Sometimeswefindourselvesgoinginadirectioninwhichwe’renotcontent.Whenwerecognizethis,wegenerallymakesmalladjustmentsindirectionormaneuverslightlytochangeourtrajectory.Mostofthechangeswemakearesmallbecausewe’remore comfortablewithwhat’s familiar, andwe don’t want tomove too far into unfamiliarterritory.These small shifts canbe valuable.Maybewe’rewantingmore time formeditation, sowe start gettinguptwenty minutes earlier. This gives us what we want without making a huge disruption in our lives. Butoccasionallywe’rereadyforabigger,moresignificantshift.ThisiswhatI’mcallingaU-turn.It’snotasubtleshift; it’s taking life in a distinctively different direction.Maybewe’re in a dead-end job or in an unhappyrelationship,orwe’recomingupagainstthelimitsofouraddictivebehavior.Whateverthecircumstances,aU-turnisthatmomentnotonlyofclaritybutofcourageandwillingnesstomakeamajorchange.Thoseofuswhohave livedwithaddictionare familiarwiththeU-turn.Formanyofus it’smandatory;ourrecoverywillnotworkifwetakeonlysmallandsubtleturns.Weneedtoturnitaroundcompletely.AndweknowthatmakingtheU-turncanbeaprocess.Itstartswiththeawarenessthatthechangeisnecessary,butitdoesn’tendthere.Thechangewon’thappenifallwehaveistheawareness.Wealsoneedthecourageandthewillingnesstomakethemodification.Andasweenterthechange,wefindthatitismanifestindifferentwaysinvariousareasofourlives.Oftenwe start ourU-turns in the physical room: detoxing from a drugwe’re addicted to,moving out of aprecarious living situation, stayingaway fromourdrinkingbuddies—theseareU-turns in theouter realm.TheseU-turnsrequireustonametheaddictionasaproblemandadmitthatweneedhelp.Butifwedon’tmovethrough the other rooms—mental, emotional, and spiritual—chances arewewon’t permanently break thecycleofaddiction.Wemaychangeaparticularaddictivebehavior,butourouter-focusedsearchforreliefwillcontinue,landingoverandoveragainonotherstrategiesforavoidingornumbingourinnersuffering.TheonlywaytopermanentlybreakfreefromaddictionistohaveaU-turninconsciousness,adramaticshiftinthewaywerelate toour innermostself. Inotherwords,webreakthecycleofaddictionbybringingourunconscious thoughts and patterns into conscious awareness, by identifying our core false beliefs anduncovering the root causes of our addiction. This allows us to start seeing addictive behavior as a chosenstrategyratherthanaproblemtobesolved.Thenwecanlookmoredeeplyatwhatweweretrulyseekinginthatstrategy,whichismostlikelyloveandconnection.Whenweknowinwardly—thatis,whenwetrulyknowandexperiencethatwearenotourstories,beliefs,thoughts,emotions,orbodies,butareonewithSource—that’stheultimateU-turn.It’saU-turninconsciousnessthat’snotaboutdoing,butaboutbeing.InthisultimateU-turnthatbreaksthecycle,weturnfromanouter-focusedwayoflifetoaninner-focusedwayofbeing.And

asweshifttoaninner-focusedwayofbeing,theworldseemstoliterallychange.Itcanchangeinaninstant.Thosequantummoments,inwhichwehaveadramaticshiftinconsciousnessandrecognizethatwe’renotwhowealwaysthoughtwewere,allowustotapintoultimatereality.U-TurnsinConsciousnessThereareacoupleofpotentialchallengeshere:One,howdowecreateaspacefortheU-turninconsciousness?Andtwo,whatdoweneedtodismantleandunlearn?What’spreventingusfromcultivatingarelationshipwithourinnerknowing,orfromrecognizingitforwhatitis?HowcanwebecomemoreopentoalltheU-turnsinourlives?WeclearspacefortheU-turninconsciousnessbydoingtheinnerwork.Alltheshiftsandmovementsdescribedinpart2ofthisbookarepreparationforaquantumU-turninyourlife.Creating safety, unlearning, practicing spiritual principles, owning your power—as you experience these, Ihopeyouareexperiencinggreaterclarity,aswellascourageandwillingness,abouttheendlesspossibilitiesthatexistineverymoment.Youmayverywellbestandingontheprecipiceofagreattransformationinyourlife.Asyoucultivatearelationshipwithyouressentialself,asyoubecomemorepresentandmoreauthentic,you’recreatingaspaceforthatinnerknowingandbecomingmoreopenandmorereceptivetotheexperienceofashiftinconsciousness.Inthebeginning,itcanbechallengingtodistinguishthevisionofouressentialselffromother,lessauthenticstoriesandbeliefs.Afterall,it’softencalled“thestill,smallvoice”(thatdeepinnerknowing)forareason.Ifthenegative self-talkand the core falsebeliefs are stillpresent, theywill threaten todrownout thevoice thatnudgesustowardaU-turn,thevoicethatasks“Whatif...?”Ifwe’relivingfromouregos,thatvoicewillremainstillandsmall,hardtodistinguishfromallthenoiseinourheads.Butthatvoicedoesn’tneedtobestillorsmall.Aswedevelop,andwearewillingtosayyestoitandlisten,itcanbecometheprimaryvoice.Themorewepracticeourspiritualprinciples,theclearerandmoresignificantthatvoicebecomes.Themorewe arewilling to spend time in silent reflection, themorewewill learn to hear it, and trust itsguidance. So, as we becomemore practiced, as we more fully live in the new perspective offered by theconsciousU-turn,theeasieritgetstorecognizeandmoveintoanyU-turn,anynewvisionforourlife.What’sexcitingisthatwhenwhenwearestill,wemight“catchavision”forourlifethatcomesfromSpirit,fromouressentialself,andit’squiteoftenbiggerthanwhatouregomindwouldhavecreatedorcomprehended.That’sthepowerof the consciousU-turn.Thesevisions forour life canhappenevenwhen thingsaregoingwell.Sometimeslifeisgoinginagenuinelybeautifuldirection,andyetifwe’respirituallypresentandauthentic,wecanhearsomethinginside,thelittlenudgethatsays,“Whataboutthis?”That openness manifests in the outer world as well. When you’ve undergone that quantum shift inconsciousness,thenyou’llbemoreapttoexperienceandrecognizethoseserendipitous“coincidences”—whenthingsjustseemtoworkout,whenconnectionsaremadefor“noapparentreason.”Youwillbemorein-tunewithandawareofthenaturalrhythmoflife.Asyouexperiencethismore,itwillbecomeclearthatit’snotonlyamatterofhearingtheinnervoice;it’salsoamatteroftrustingittoleadyouintheouterrealmofexistenceaswell.Imagineapermanentshiftinyourneuralnetwork,inwhichyoudon’tconstantlyidentifyyourselfasbrokenoraddicted.Imaginegoingintoaplacethatusedtobefilledwithtriggers,aplacethatformerlywouldhavelookedlikeatemptationoratrap,andwalkingthroughitwitheaseandgrace.Imagineyourlifeasfreeof“theproblemofaddiction”andasfilledwithpotential.Imaginethatyouaretrulyfreetomoveinwhateverdirectionyour

innerknowingpoints.That’sthepowerofthequantumleap,theU-turninconsciousness.Imaginenowthat,because you are recognizing your oneness with Source, you can absolutely trust its direction. That’s thepromiseofmanyspiritualpractices—thatthroughopennessandacceptance,youwilldevelopanunshakablerelationshipwithyourinnerlife,andallowittogentlyguideyou.

EmbracingLoveWhen I first came to spiritual teachings I was quite young. I had just come out of an addiction and myunconsciouswasrunningtheshow,startingwithanunconsciouscorebeliefthatIwasunlovable.Likeyou,perhaps, I started believing this when I was a child, convinced through a series of events that there wassomething fundamentallywrongwithme.Thatwasoneof therootcausesofmyaddiction.AlthoughIwasawarethatIwantedtobreakfreeofthecycleofmyaddictivebehavior,Ihadn’tyetuncovereditsroots.IknewthatIwassearchingfor loveandconnection,butIdidn’tknowthatunderneathmysearchwasacorefalsebeliefthatblockedloveandconnection.Ontheconsciouslevel,Iwastryingtogetpeopletoloveme—whileontheunconsciouslevel,thebeliefthatIwasunlovablewaspushingawayanythingthatwasauthenticlove.Iwasdoingtheoppositeofembracinglove.Asmyexperienceshows,whenwefeelthatwe’renotworthyoflove,wewillpotentiallysabotageitwhenitshowsup.That’spartlybecauseofwhatwebelieve,becauseweneedourexperiencetoresonatewithourcorefalsebeliefinourownunworthiness.Butit’salsobecauseofhowwe’rebeingintheworld.Thinkaboutitintermsofenergy:Expertstellusthatonly10percentofwhatwecommunicateisverbal;therestisnonverbal.Partofthatnonverbalcommunicationisenergy.It’sthefrequencyatwhichwe’revibrating,theenergythatwe’reholding.That’swhatcreateswhatwecallreality.Weareliterallycreatingwhatweseeandexperienceinthephysicalrealmbasedonthevibrationweareholding.We’relikearadio:Youcan’theartheradiostationuntilyou’retunedintoitsfrequency.So,ifwe’revibratingatafrequencythatsays“I’mnotlovable,”wewilltendtoattractandbeattractedtopeoplewhocantuneintothatfrequency,peoplewhowillverifythatcorefalsebeliefinourownunworthiness.Ifwewitnessedorexperiencedalotofabuseasachild,we’regoingtoquitepossiblyreplicatethoseabusiverelationshipsunconsciouslyasadults.I’mnotsuggestingthatwedothisconsciously—wemostlikelydon’tsetouttoenteranabusiverelationship.Butunconsciously,ourenergywillattractthoserelationships.Wewillalsobeopenrelationshipsandsituationswherewereceivemessagesthatechoournegativeinnerself-talk—theywillfeelfamiliartous—andwewilltendtorejectorblockoutanymessagesthattellusthatwearelovable,thatweareaperfectexpressionofSource.So,embracingloverequiresashiftinfocus,whichcanbeaverysubtle,evensimplething.Embracingloveisnotabouttryingtoforcelove,orcreatelove,ordiscoverlove;it’snotaboutchanginghowyouappearsothatpeoplewillloveyou.It’saboutembracingthelovethatalreadyis,inothersandinyourself.It’sknowingandfeelingandlivingthetruththatyouaremadeinlovebyloveandsurrounded by love. It’s knowing that you are created complete and unbroken, that those around you arecreatedcompleteandunbrokenaswell.ThisknowingisrestoredtousintheGreatRemembering.NurturingOurDivineNatureWhat’sblockingyou fromembracing love?What ideasorbeliefs aredeterminingyour frequencyand thuscreatingyourreality?Thinkaboutthecorefalsebeliefsyou’veidentifiedwhileworkingthroughthisbook:Howhave those apparent truths blocked you? What happens when you are presented with messages of the

fundamentaltruthofyourwholenessandperfection?Howdoyourespondwhenyouhearthatyouareperfectlylovable?Ifthesemessagesarestilldifficulttohear,it’sagoodopportunitytocontinuetheinnerworkofclearingandnurturingyourrelationshipwithyourtruenaturesothatyoucanmorefullyembracethelovethatyouareandthelovethat’savailabletoyou.Thefirststep,asalways,isawareness.It’snoticinghowyourespond,andthenidentifyingandnamingtheenergythatyou’reholdingaboutyourself.Embracingloveisidentifyingandnamingyourcorefalsebeliefs,thestoriesthatblockyourenergyandkeepyoustuckincyclesofaddiction,andthenmovingtoadeeperawarenessofyourtruenature,whichislove.Aswedevelopthisrelationshipwithourdivinenature,thelovethatweare,webecomeopentosomethingthat’salwaysintrinsicallybeenhere.Thisshiftcanbeaprocess.Butitcanalsohappeninaninstant.That’swhatamysticalexperienceis—thosemomentswhenweabsolutelyknowandexperiencethatloveisallthereisandthatweareonewithallbeings.Embracingloveisaboutexpandingourcapacityforthisexperiencebycultivatingarelationshipwithouressentialselves.Thisallowsustotrulyknowthatloveistheultimatetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Anotheraspectofembracingloveislearningtobecomfortablewithourowncompany,tobealoneandatpeacewithourourselves, ineverymoment.Remember,wearenotreferringtogetting lovefromtheoutside,butembracingthelovethatweare.Oshosaiditsobeautifullywhenhewrotethesepowerfulwords:“Thecapacitytobealoneisthecapacitytolove.Itmaylookparadoxicaltoyou,butit'snot.Itisanexistentialtruth:onlythosepeoplewhoarecapableofbeingalonearecapableoflove,ofsharing,ofgoingintothedeepestcoreofanotherperson--withoutpossessingtheother,withoutbecomingdependentontheother,withoutreducingtheothertoathing,andwithoutbecomingaddictedtotheother.Theyallowtheotherabsolutefreedom,becausetheyknowthatiftheotherleaves,theywillbeashappyastheyarenow.Theirhappinesscannotbetakenbytheother,becauseitisnotgivenbytheother.”InnerandOuterConnectionWeallhaveaneedtoconnectwithotherpeople;wewanttoloveandreceivelove.Butwhenwe’redisconnectedfrom our essential self, our attempts to connect with others are an attempt to feel better, to numb thediscomfortofthatdisconnection.We’retryingtouseouterlovetohealourselves.Butnoonepersoncanhealourdisconnection;norelationshipcanbringustothetruthofwhoandwhatweare.Nothing“outthere”isgoingtofixwhatseemsbrokenwithin.Theouter-directedsearchforconnectiondoesnotbringthekindoflovethatheals.Itseemscontradictory,becauseweallseemtoneedtoloveandconnectwithothers,butthatwillnotreturnustoaplaceofinnerwholeness.Itseemsweneedboththeinnerandtheouterexperienceoflove.Itremindsmeofthecurrentlypopularquestion:“WhydoIkeepattractingunavailablepeople?”Myanswertothatissimplythis:Whatareyouwantingthemtobeavailablefor?Areyouwantingarelationshipto“fix”youordoyourinnerworkforyou?Ifso,weknowthiswillnotwork,atleastnotforlong.Itisuptoeachofustodoourowninnerworkandreturntoastateofwholeness.Onlythendowehavesomethingpowerfultosharewithanother.We’reoftenaskingthequestion,“HowdoIconnectwithpeople?”whenthedeeperquestionisreally,“HowdoIconnectmorefullywiththeessentialbeingnessthatIam?”Inthisgreatremembering,weopentoaconnectionwithsomethingthat’salreadythere,somethingwecameintothisworldknowingandbeing.Aswecometoidentifyandreleasethecorefalsebeliefsthatkeepusincyclesofaddiction,we’reabletore-connect,notonlywithourselves,butalsowithotherpeopleandtheworldaroundus.Whenwecometounderstandthatwe’re

allone,thenthere’snomoreouterandinner,nomore“us”and“them,”andoncewestartlivingthisultimatereality,ourlivesnaturallybecomefullofconnectionwithothers.Whenweliveonpurposeandembracethelovethatisourtrueself,whatwefindisthatwegenerallyhaveboundlessconnections,andboundlessenergytonurturethoseconnections.That’sthepoweroftheGreatRemembering.Todeepenconnection,wefocusonconnection,wepracticeconnection.Asconnectionbecomesmorefamiliarto us, our relationship with our divine nature becomes more tangible, our remembering becomes moreconcrete,whichinturnnurturesourexternalconnections.Itallneedsourattention.Whereweputourfocusmatters,justashowwedirectourbehaviormatters.Wecanfocusourattentionthroughtoolsandpracticesfordeepeningconnection,likethosecoveredinpart2,includingbuildingsafecommunity,meditation,livinginthequestion,andsoon.Thesetoolsandpracticescanhelpusdeepenconnection.Community,forone,presentsuswitha rich truth:Themoreweconnectwithothers ina safe community, themoreconnectedwearewithourselves;andthemoreconnectedwearewithourselves,themoreconnectedwecanbewithothers.CultivatingSupportiveCommunityWhenwe’rearoundlike-mindedandlike-heartedpeople,itmagnifieswhateveritisthatweshare.Thiscanseempositiveornegative. Ifwe’rehangingaroundpeoplewhoshareoursenseofshameorwhoshareourbeliefthattheworldisdangerous,thenthose“realities”onlybecomestronger.So,lookingatyourcommunitycanbeassimpleasasking,“Aremyfriendssupportingalargervisionformylife?Or,aretheycontributingtomysenseoffeelingstuck?”Asyougrowinconnectionwithyourtrueselfandwithultimatereality,youmayfindthatthefriendswhoarenotsupportiveofyourspiritualgrowthwillstarttodriftaway,andyoubegingravitatingtowardandattractingpeoplewholiftyouup,peoplewhoareonthesamepath,peoplewhocanreflectthetruthofwhoandwhatyouareduringthosetimeswhenyouforget.Asthepowerofasupportivecommunitybeginstoshiftthingsinyourlife,youmayevensometimesexperiencewhat looks likechaos.Nurturingcommunitycanbeawonderfulopportunitytoseeother levelsofspiritualgrowththatarepossible.Thiscancreatetheexperienceof“chemicalization;”thatcrumblingofthematerialworldthatIdescribedinthepreface.Itoccurswhenourconsciousnessisshiftinginapositivewayandtheexternalworldstartstofallapartbecauseitdoesnotsupportournewlevelofawareness,oritwasbuiltonshakyground.Thiscan,atfirst,appeartobea“terrible”thing,ifwearen’tconsciousofhowweareviewingitandspeakingaboutit.Thosearethemomentswhenit’simportanttorecognizethatwhatwecallitmatters.Ourlanguagehaspower.Wecancallitaterriblething,wecancallitconflict,wecancallitachange,wecancallitamomentoftransition.Orwecanthinkinquantumtermsandcallitashiftinenergythatsignalstousthatsomethingelseisemerging.Wecanchoosetoopenourperspectivetoitsfullestandacceptwhateverishere.Itmeansthatinthemidstofwhatever’s happening, we can be grateful for the amazing thing that’s going to evolve out of it. What aspectaculargift.Askingthequestion:“Whatwantstobebornhere?”canassistusinthesetimesofuncertainty.Anothergreatgiftofconnectionisthatitopensusuptoexperiencingmorejoyinourlives.Whenwearemoreconnectedtoouressentialself,toourdivinenature,thenourconnectionswithothersdon’tbearalltheweightthattheyoncedid.Ourconnectionswithothersarenolongerresponsibleforourhealingorourrecovery;we’renolongerconnectingwithothersinordertofeelbetteraboutourselves.We’reconnectingwithothersoutofaplaceofonenesswithourultimateself.Fromthatplaceourintentionistosharelove,ratherthantomakelovehappenortoexperiencelove.“Beingloved”doesn’tmattersomuchanymorebecauseweliterallyliveinloveandaslove.

Andthethingis,aswesharelovefromthisdeeperplace,wedoendup“getting”morelove.Again,that’sthepowerofconnectionfromaplaceoffundamentalwholeness.It’sthedifferencebetweenbeinglovedandbeinglove.Thereisaparadoxhere,asthereoftenis.Wealsorecognizetheprofoundimpactthatunconditionallovehasonthepeoplearoundus.Canyourememberapersoninyourlifethatabsolutelylovedyouunconditionally?Doyouremembertheprofoundlypositiveeffectthishadonyourlife?Thisisasimplereminderthatthemorewedotheworkofinnerclearingandliveintheworldaslove,themorepositiveimpactwehaveonthepeoplearoundusandtheworldatlarge.PerceivingRealityAspiritualjourneyisnotabouteradicatingperceiveddifficultlifesituations.It’snotaboutavoidingordenyingproblemsorchallenges.Aswegrowinawareness,werecognizethatapparentproblemsorchallengescanbeapproachedfromendlessperspectives.Howweseewhatishappeningisachoice,andwhatwecalltheeventsinrelativerealitygoesalongwaytocreatingthatreality.Comingfromaplaceofwholeness,ofintegration,weare more likely to choose to focus on transformation, creativity, connection, and love. This speaks to theproverbialquestion:Istheglasshalfemptyorhalffull?Myresponseisthis:Themasterknowsitisbothhalfemptyandhalffull.Inthatway,themasterisfreetochoosehowtoviewlife,withoutneedingtodenyanythingorfeelaneedtochangeanyoneelse’spointofview.Wecanseeendlesspossibilitiesineverysituation.Howweperceiverealitycreateshowweexperiencereality.Yourawarenessof thistruth,nomatterhowyoucometoit,combinedwithadeeprelationshipwithyouressentialself,iswhatbringspeaceandhappiness.Ashiftinperspectivecanopenustoinfinitepossibilities.AsMiltonwroteoverthreehundredyearsago,“Themindisitsownplace,andinitselfitcanmakeaHeav’nofHell,aHellofHeav’n.”Fromthere,allthestrategies,stories,andbeliefs thathavekeptus limited lookand feeldifferent.Theydon’t look like theultimate truthanymore.Insteadtheylooksmallandinsignificantandsoit’seasiertoreleasethem.That’sdivineintegration,andit’swhereeverythingbeginstohappen.Thisdoesn’tmeanonly flippingthingsintoapositivestory.Wecan’ttricktheuniverse.Sure,whenweexperiencethisintegration,whatwecall“reality”tendstobecomemoreopenandweexperiencemoreloveandconnectionandseemorepotential.Butitwon’tworktotrytobypasstheinnerworkthatmakesthispossible.SpiritualBypassingSometimeswe try to avoid or sidetrack dealingwith the difficult aspects of human life by using spiritualconceptsandpracticesto“spirituallybypass”thethingswedonotwanttoface.Wepretendthatwedonotfeelangry,resentful,orhurtbysomebodyelse’swordsoractions.Webelievethatitis“notspiritual”tofeeltheseemotions.Possibly, ona subconscious level,wewould rathernotdealwith them,orweareafraid to look.Perhapsfromanotherlevelofconsciousnesswewouldnothavethesameemotionalreactions;however,itisimportanttobehonestwithourselvesaboutwhereweare.Allowingourselvestocompassionatelypracticepresent-momentawarenessisatoolwecanuseforwalkingthroughtheseexperiencesratherthanbypassingthem.Itriedtomakesuchaspiritualbypassforquitesometime.IbelievedIcould“bypass”themoredeeplyrootedcorebeliefsIwasholdingaboutmyselfandtheworld.Istartedpretendingtobe“ohsospiritual”whichtome,atthatlevelofconsciousawareness,meantnotacknowledginganyofthechallengesIwasexperiencing.ThatwashowIsawitfrommyperspectiveatthetime.IwaslivingfromaspirituallevelthatIcall“magicalthinking.”

Thiswasn’tincorrect.ItwasjustwhereIwasatduringthatstageofmyevolution.WhenIdidbreakthroughtoadeeperlevelofawareness,whenIdidsurrendertothesourceofinnerpowerthatweallhave,thatSourcethat’sstrongerthananyexternalforcewecanimagine,andwhenIstartedtotapintotheinfluentialpowerthatspringsfromthat,thenmyouterlifedidsuddenlyseemtostartmatchingthatfrequency.Thenuancehereisthatit’snotabout“actingasif.”It’snotaboutgettingtheouterworldtoalignwithourinnerconnectednesssothatwecanprovehowenlightenedweare.Thatapproachisstillgroundedinresistanceandjudgment.Thingsdon’ttrulychangeuntilweallowourselvestobecomefullyintegrated,whichtome,meanstheunionofwhatwemightcall“spiritual”withwhatwemightcall“human.”Aswe’veseenthroughoutthisbook,it’stheinnerworkthatuncoversourcorefalsebeliefs,andit’sthepracticingofspiritualprinciplesthatallowsustounlearn habits of judgment and resistance. It’s the inner work that lets us release the stories created byexperiencesoftraumaandshame.It’stheinnerworkthatbreaksthecycleofaddictionwe’vecreatedtoprotectourselvesfromaworldwebelieveisunlovinganddangerous.It’stheinnerworkthatbringsustoaU-turninconsciousness,toanawarenessthatourbeliefsarerelative,notultimatereality.DivineIntegrationWhenweexpandourperspective,whenweloosenourholdon“thetruth,”weallowourselvestoseewhatelseisthere.Weintegratethe“positive”andthe“negative.”Thepessimistcomestoseethatthereisnotonlypain,butalsojoyandtransformation.Theoptimistlearnstoopentofeelingsofsadnessandloss,tomakepeacewithimpermanence.Whereveryouarecomingfrom,whateveryourcorefalsebeliefs,spiritualintegrationmeanshonoringand integratingallaspectsofourselvessothatwecanseethings ina fuller,moreauthentic light.Whenweshiftourawareness,ourinnersense,totheultimaterealityofwhoandwhatweare,weexperiencealevelofconsciousnessfromwhichweseeallexperienceasspiritualexperience.Atthislevel,wewelcomealloflife—healthanddisease,marriageanddivorce,sadnessandjoy.Thisspiritualconsciousnessrejectsnothing,acceptseverything.Itembraceswhat’sintheshadow.Infact,welcomingitallmightbethehighestdegreeofspiritualintegration,lettingusliveinandthroughthetransformativepowerofeventhemostpainfulsituations.It’sbeingpresenttowhatis.Andthen,paradoxically,whenwemasterthis,life seems to give us more and more to be joyful about. Our pain lessens and we experience more love,connection,andhappiness.Themoretimeyouspendinsilence,themorecomfortableyoubecomeinyourspiritualpractices,themoreyouwillenjoyalovingrelationshipwithyouressentialself.Themoreyouknowthatselfandthemoreyouintegratethatdeepknowing,themoreyoucanbeloveintheworld.Wheneverwecanbefreefromclingingandaverting, freefromjudging,wetapintopureawareness.Thereareseveralstoriesofpeoplethroughoutthehistoryofhumankindwhohave lived inacontinuousstateofmysticalawareness.Andtimesarechanging,whichisopeningthepossibilityformoreandmoreofustoawakentothisgreaterwayofbeing.Whatwasonceforafew;LaoTzu,Buddha,Jesus,forexample,isnowapossibilityforusall.Weareenteringintoaneweraofconsciousevolutionwherethisdeeperawarenessisnotonlypossible,buthappeningwithinmoreofuseveryday.Wheneverweabsolutelyknowandfeelthetruthofwhoweare,whenweknowthatwearelove,thenwecanliveasloveintheworld,inthemidstofwhateverishappening.That’sintegration.Ifweknowwearelove,thenwe’reabletoshowupaslove.We’reabletoliveinquestionslike,“Howwouldloveshowuphere?Whatwouldlovedohere?Wherewouldlovebepresenthere?”Andhere,inthemidstofitall,iswhereloveisneededthemost.

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter8:TheGreatRemembering

ReadingfromchaptereightofConsciousRecoveryWeoftenliveasifourenlightenmentisgoingtohappensomeday.Wetreatourspiritualjourneylikeit’sagoalweareheadedtoward,orsomethingwelackandneedtoattain.Weviewthespiritualjourneythroughthelensofbeingbrokenandneedingtobefixed.Butaswe’veseeninthisbook,wearebornintotheworldalreadyknowingouressentialself.So,enlightenmentisalreadypresent.Thismeansthatourspiritualjourneyissimplyamatterofrememberingthisfundamentalknowledge,whichwemayhavelostthroughabandonment,through“thedomesticationofthehuman,”throughunresolvedtrauma,spiritualdisconnection,andtoxicshame.ThisGreatRememberingisthesourceofincrediblepower:thepowertoexperiencegreatchange,orwhatIcallU-turns,thepowertoembraceloveanddeepenconnection,thepowertointegratewithourauthenticself.ThisallstartswiththeprocessIhopeyou’reexperiencingasyouworkthroughthisbook:lettinggo.ReleasingStatementIamnotbroken.AffirmingStatementIremembermyselftobelove.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisalyingmeditation.Setthetimerfor10minutesandfindacomfortableplacetoliedown.Theintentionofthismeditationistosimplyrestandnoticeanyphysicalsensations,thoughts,orfeelingsthatarepresent.Seeifyoucan“tapinto”adeeperspiritualplacewithinyourself.Justnotice.Asalways,oncethetimerhassounded,simplywriteaboutyourexperience.Exercises1.InnerResistanceProcess:Whenwe’restrugglingwithaddiction,we’reresisting.We’repushingbackagainstour innerneed tobepresentwithourselves in thismoment.Addictivebehaviorcanbeseenas simply that—aresistancetopresence,astrategyforavoidingwhat’sherenowbecauseit’stoopainfulortooshameful.Lettinggointhecontextofaddictionmeansnotonlyreleasingtheideathatweareinherentlybrokenandneedtochangebut also releasing all the strategies we’ve perfected for protecting what we perceive as our brokenness. Theultimatesurrenderisnotsurrenderingthosepartsofusthatare“bad,”butsurrenderingtowhoandwhatweare

as whole and perfect.Now, answer these questions and (reread to yourself if you’re alone or) sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup).

• Whatdoestheterm“presence”meantoyou?• Inwhatwayshaveyoubeenresistingpresencewithyouraddiction?• Whatisitaboutyouthatyouareavoiding?• Whathaveyoudecidedisinherentlybrokenorshamefulaboutyouthatyouneedtoavoid?• Isittruethatyouareinherentlybrokenandneedtochange?• Whatwouldhappenifyouweretoletgooftheideathatyouarethat?• Whatwoulditbeliketosurrendertowhoandwhatyouareaswholeandperfect?• Howwouldyourlifechange?• Howwouldyouraddictionchange?• What’sgettinginthewayofyouchoosingthis?

2.ShiftHappensTechnique:Imagineapermanentshiftinyourneuralnetwork,inwhichyoudon’tconstantlyidentifyyourselfasbrokenoraddicted.Imaginegoingintoaplacethatusedtobefilledwithtriggers,aplacethatformerlywouldhavelookedlikeatemptationoratrap,andwalkingthroughitwitheaseandgrace.Imagineyourlifeasfreeof“theproblemofaddiction”andasfilledwithpotential.Imaginethatyouaretrulyfreetomoveinwhateverdirectionyourinnerknowingpoints.That’sthepowerofthequantumleap,theU-turninconsciousness.Imaginenowthat,becauseyouarerecognizingyouronenesswithSource,youcanabsolutelytrustitsdirection.That’s the promise of many spiritual practices—that through openness and acceptance, you will develop anunshakablerelationshipwithyourinnerlife,andallowittogentlyguideyou.Now,answerthesequestionsand(rereadtoyourselfifyou’realoneor)sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup).

• Whatideasorbeliefsaredeterminingyourfrequencyandthuscreatingyourreality?• Thinkaboutthecorefalsebeliefsyou’veidentifiedwhileworkingthroughthisbook:Howhavethose

apparenttruthsblockedyou?• Whathappenswhenyouarepresentedwithmessagesofthefundamentaltruthofyourwholenessand

perfection?• Howdoyourespondwhenyouhearthatyouareperfectlylovable?• ThatyoucameintothisworldaswholeandperfectandonewithSource?

3.TheGreatRememberingExercise:“There’smorepowerinlettinggo,inyielding,andinredirectingenergythanthereisinresistingandcontrollingandpushingback.”Now,answerthesequestionsand(rereadtoyourselfifyou’realoneor)sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup).

• Inwhatwayshaveyoubeenresistingandcontrollingandpushingbackinyourlife?• Inyouraddiction?• Whathaveyoubeentryingtocreatewiththat?• Isitworking?• Whatwouldhappenifinsteadyouweretoletgo,yieldandredirectyourenergy?• Whatelsemightbepossible?

4.TheU-TurnActivity:“Werespond toemotionasconsciousbeingsrather thanreacting to itasvictimsormartyrs.”Pleaseanswer thesequestionsand (reread toyourself if you’realoneor) sharewith someone (ifyou’reinagroup).

• Whatdoesthisstatementmeantoyou?• Haveyoufeltlikeyou’reavictimofyourcircumstances,ofyourthoughtsandfeelings?• Whatifthatisnotthecase?• Howelsemightyoulookatthis?

IdefineaU-turninconsciousnessas“adramaticshiftinthewaywerelatetoourinnermostself.”Pleaseanswerthesequestionsand(rereadtoyourselfifyou’realoneor)sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup).

• Haveyoueverhadatimewhenyouknewitwastimeforaradicalchange,aU-turn?• Whatwasthatlike?• Howdidyouhandleit?• IsitnowtimeforanotheroneofthoseU-turns?• Ifso,whatdoesthatbringupforyou?• Doyouhavethecourageandwillingnesstomakethechange?• Ifnot,whatwouldneedbedifferentinorderforthattooccur?• Howwouldyougoaboutcreatingthat?

5.EmbracingLoveMethod:Pleaseanswerthesequestionsand(rereadtoyourselfifyou’realoneor)sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup).

• What’sblockingyoufromembracinglove?• What,toyou,isthedifferencebetweenbeinglovedandbeinglove?• Howareyoubeingintheworld?• Inotherwords,whatistheenergy,orfrequencyatwhichyouarevibrating?• Whatisthatattractingintoyourworld?• Whenyouwereinyouraddiction,whatvibrationwereyoubeingandwhatdidthatattract?• Whatwouldelevatingyourvibrationcreate?• Whatnewpossibilitiescoulditdrawtoyou?• Howwouldyougoaboutchangingyourvibration?

Writeoutyouranswersandspendsometimeinthesilencereadingandreflectingonthem.Noticehowyoufeelandwhatyouthinkasyoureadthem.Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Whatwouldhappenforyouifyouweretoletgoofthedesiretocontrol?Noticewhatthisbringsup.2. Doesitbringasenseofhopeandpeaceoroffearanddoubt?3. Whatcorefalsebeliefmightanyfearordoubtbecomingfrom?4. Doyouhaveacorefalsebeliefthatlifeisaboutidentifyingproblemsandfiguringouthowtofixthem?5. Ifso,whathasthatcreatedinyourlife?6. Isthatwhatyou’dlikeyourlifetobe?

7. Whatotherpointofviewcouldyouchoosetohavemoreease,joyandhappinessinyourlife?8. Haveyoueverperceivedorheard“thestill,smallvoice”ofyouressentialself?9. Whenandhowdidyouexperiencethat?10. Whatwouldittaketocreatemoreexperiencesofthat?11. Whatwouldittakeforthatsmallvoicetobecomelouderandclearer,tobecometheprimaryvoice?12. Haveyoueversoughtlovefromothersasawaytohealyourself?13. Howhasthatworkedforyou?14. Whatifyouweretoacknowledgethelovethatyoualreadyhavewithinyou?15. Whatinyourlife,relationshipsandaddictionwouldchange?16. Doyouidentifymoreasanoptimistorpessimist?17. Whatdoesseeingtheworldthroughonelensonlycreate?18. Whatpiecesmightbemissingfromthatperspective?19. Ifyouweretointegrateboththe“positive”and“negative”aspectsinlife,whatwouldthatcreateforyou?20. Whatwoulditcreateinyourrecovery?

ChapterNine

AwakenedLiving

Itisthebirthrightofeachandeveryoneofustoliveanawakenedlife.Mostreligionsandspiritualtraditionsteachusthatweneedtoadoptacertainbeliefsystemorfollowsomeprescribedstepsinordertoattainastateofenlightenment.Along-heldbeliefaboutawakeningisthatonlyasmallnumberofpeople,destinedtobecomegurusorspiritualteachers,canattainit.Itiscertainlytruethatuntilrecenttimesonlyasmallminorityof

peopleontheplanethadattainedthisstateoffullself-realization.Thesesaints,mystics,andspiritualmasterswereseenas“special.”Andtheycertainlywere,atthetime.However,timesarechanging.Wearenowlivinginaneraofrapidaccelerationofthephenomenonofspiritualawakening.Thetruthisthatawakeningisabsolutelyavailabletoeverysinglehumanbeingontheplanetrighthere,rightnow.Enlightenmentisourmostnaturalstate.Whenwestripawayalltheconceptsandideaswehavelearnedoverourlifetime—aboutourselvesand

howweviewtheworld—weuncoverthesimpletruth.

―TJWoodward,ConsciousBeingLivinganawakenedlifeisfundamentallysimple.It’sournaturalstate.Awakenedlivingiswakingupfromtheillusion of separation, fear, and scarcity, and returning to our original perfection. Awakened living isexperiencingabsolutepresence,andlivinginastateofaweandwonder.It’slivingbeyondourstoriesofshameandtrauma,andlivinginastateofcuriositythat’spossiblebecausewearegroundedinloveandcommunityinanever-growingrelationshipwithouressentialself.AwakenedLivingisarecognitionthatthebasisofourlifeisfreedomandthepurposeofourlifeisjoy.Aswe’veseenthroughoutthisbook,wenurturethisrelationshipandliveanawakenedlifethroughspiritualpractices such asmindfulness exercises and building safe spiritual community.We grow in awareness byidentifyingourcorefalsebeliefs,questioningtheassumptionswemakeinouregostate,andpracticingnon-judgmentandnonresistancetocomemorefullyalignedwithourauthenticself.WhenwetrulyrecognizeouronenesswithSpirit,we’relivingbeyondjudgment.We’relivinginradicalforgiveness,loveandjoy.Lifeisnolongersomethingthathappenstous.It’ssomethingthathappensnotonlythroughus,butasus.Wearelove,weareforgiveness,wearejoy!FindingPurposeWhenwetalkaboutpurpose,wegenerallyrefertosomethingintheouterrealm,somethingwewanttodo.Wetendtobelievethatifweachievethisthingorthatthing,thenwewillacquirewhatwewant,whetherthat’sfulfillmentorhappinessorabetterstandardofliving.Weoftenlookatourgoalsandachievementsaseffort,striving,evenasstruggle.Whatwe’rediscovering together in thisbook is thepowerof the inward-lookingapproach.Tappingintoourwholeness,intoourdivinenature,isourmostfundamentalpurpose.Ourprimarypurpose is simply to awaken. Being grounded in that space of essential wholeness makes pursuing anyintentionintheouterrealmmucheasier,morepowerfulandconnected.Whenwetapintothetruthofwhoandwhatweare,lifenaturallybecomespurposeful.There’snostrivingtoachievesomethingbeyondus.Wearesimplyguidedinaverypowerfulwaytowhat’salreadythere.

I want to examine two levels of purpose: our common inner purpose and our individual, outer-directedpurposes.Ourfundamentalpurposeissimplytoawaken—tobecomeconsciousofourinherentwholeness,toliveinastateofpresence,tobecomeawareofouronenesswithSource.Andaswegrowinawarenessofthispurpose,itbecomesmanifestinallourouter-directedpurposes.Thisisn’taboutfiguringitout.Itisn’taboutlatchingontoanewsetofbeliefsorperfectingourspiritualtechniquetodoitcorrectly.It’saboutdeepeningtheawarenessofouressentialwholeness.It’salsoaboutmovingfromourhead,intoourheart,andultimatelylivinginadeepawarenessofourintuition.Itisshiftingfromfeelingtrappedbyourthoughtsandego-drivengoalsintoexperiencingadeeper,moreauthenticfeelingtone.Itisexpressingafundamentallynewwayofbeingintheworld.Thisisthemostprofoundjourney,becauseaswemoveintothisintuitionbased,inner-directedwayofliving,everythingchanges.Thisdeepvisionoftheselfisthefruitofyourspiritualpractice,yourinnerwork.Itcomesfromyouressentialbeing.Itisbeyondthoughtandbeyondemotion.Thisdeepervisionisyourmostimportantpurpose;it’swhatyoumayhavebeenexperiencingthroughoutyourrecoveryandthroughoutthepagesofthisbook.AsyoumovemoredeeplyintorecognizingyouronenesswithSource,youwillalsobeopenedtoavisionspecifictoyourindividuallife.Asyoulivemorefullyinconnectionandlove,you’llglimpseadistinctpurposethat’stiedtotheuniversalpurpose.Thedeeptrustofyourinnerknowingwillguideandinformyouaboutyourownwayofservinghumanityandtheworld.EgoandPurposeAsIsharedpreviously,whenIhadbeeninrecoveryforatime,Ihadaccomplishedagreatdealofsuccessintheouterrealm.Ihadaprosperousbusiness,ahandsomeboyfriend,andamuscularbody.Ihadbeenpracticingspiritual principles like affirmations andmediation, and Iwas finding safety in spiritual community. Iwastakingownershipofmythoughtsandintentions.Mylifeseemedcomplete.Yet,inthemidstofallthisexternalsuccessandinnergrowth,Istartedexperiencingavisionofmyselfasaspiritualteacher.Myinnervoicebeganrevealingtomethatmypurposewastodeepenmyownawakening.Andmypurposewasalsotobringthistransformationintotheworld.Icouldn’tseehowthatvisionwaspossible,sowheneverIfeltit,myegomindwouldsay,“That’scrazy.Youcan’tdothat!Howcouldthathappen?Howcouldyoumakealivingfromthat?”Evenasmyegomindtriedtodampenthevision,itquietlypersisted,allthetimegettingstrongerandmoreclear.BackandforthIwent,betweenthevisionandmydoubt,asIstayedopenbothtowhatmydeepestselfwasofferingandtomydesiretocontrolthesituation.WhenatlastIfinallysaidyestothatvision,myouterworldbegantocrumple.Iwentthroughatimeofpersonalchaosasmycurrentlifemetwiththisnewconsciousness.Thingsneededtobreakandexpand,soIcouldacceptthevision,becauseitwassomuchbiggerthanwhatmycurrentperspectiveandmyexistingwayoflifecouldhandle.Becausemyegowassoquicklyshuttingdownmyvisions,theyrequirednurturing.OnceIsaidyestomy personal vision, I consciously and intentionally began moving that yes into a deeper, more profoundawareness.Inthisongoingprocess,Icametoembracethefeelingtoneofmyauthenticpersonalpurpose.Whenthiskindofnurturingdoesn’thappen,orwhenweignoreourvisionsentirely,theycaneasilydisappear.During a workshop a few years ago, one of the participants came to see that her own vision for life wassomething to dowith helping animals. At themoment this happened, we could see it come to life in herphysically.Itlookedliketwentyyearsfellawayinstantly;shesuddenlyhadthislightnessabouther.However,almostimmediately,heregomindcreptinandshestartedsayingthingslike,“Whataboutmyjob?”and“Ican’tgotoveterinaryschoolatmyage!”Justassuddenly,wesawthatexpansivenessclosebackdown.Thelightwassoondimmed.

Youmayhaveexperiencedthisyourself:firstfeelingthejoyofthatpeakspiritualexperienceinwhichyou’reintouchwithavision,andthenlettingtheegotearitawayfromyouwith“Ican’t”and“thatwon’twork.”Visionsaredelicate;thinkofthemasanenergythatneedshoning,afrequencythatneedsfine-tuningthroughattentiontoourspiritualpracticeandourcommunity.Oncewegetourvision,itisnecessarytocreateaspaceinwhichitcanthriveandmanifest.Thatmightmeansurroundingourselveswithpeoplewhowanttosupportit.Itmightmeannotsharingthevisionwithanyoneforawhileaswesitwithitinmeditation,allowingthesilencetobringitmorefullytoourconsciousawareness.It’slikeatinysproutthatneedsfertilizingandtendingindoorsbeforeit’sstrongenoughtowithstandtheelements.MaintainingFocusNurturingyourrevelationisabouteradicatingeverythinginyourlifeandinyourconsciousnessthatdampensyourvision.Thinkofthisoldstoryaboutafrograce.Oneday,abunchofpondfrogsdecidedtoracetothetopofanearbytree.Asagroup,theyheadedforthetree,whileallthefrogswhostayedbehindmutteredtoeachother:“Thisoughttobegood.They’llnevermakeit.”Asthefrogsstartedupthe lowerpartof thetree, thecrowdstartedshouting:“You’rekiddingyourselves!”“It’stootall!”Someofthefrogssoondroppedfromthetree,butotherskeptgoing.Thecrowdkeptshouting,“You’lldie ifyougoanyfarther!”andmorefrogs fell.Eventuallytherewasonlyonefrogleft,andhewasundeterred—finallymanagingtoreachthetopofthetree.Whenhehadmadehiswaybacktothepondtheyallasked,“Howdidyoudoit?”Hedidn’tanswer.Theyraisedtheirvoicesandshoutedathim,“What’syoursecret,friend?”Stillnoanswer.Finally,anoldfrogwhohadbeenwatchingtheentiretimesaidquietly,“Whyareyoushoutingathim?He’sdeaf.”Onceyougetaholdofavisionforyourlifeanddecideit’swhatyoutrulydesire,belikethatfrog,carefullyimmunetoallthevoicesofdoomthattellyouitisn’tpossible.Howmuchcouldyouaccomplishifyouwerefreefromthosevoicesinyourlife?Whenyoudolistentothosevoices,theycansometimesevenactivateyouroldcorefalsebeliefs.Thismighthappenevenwhenyou’relivinginconsciousawareness.So,Iwanttoencourageyoutoreturnalwaystothepracticeandprocessofunlearning.Wecontinuouslyneedtounlearn,nomatterourlevelofconsciousawareness.Weconstantlyneedtonurtureourpurposeandourintention.Sometimesthistakestime.Ionceheldavisionformylifeforabouttwoyearsbeforeitstartedmanifestingintheouterrealm.Onceitdid,thingsmovedmorerapidlyanddoorscommencedtoopen.Butthoseweretwolongyears,andifIhadnotbeennurturingmyvisionthroughspiritualdiscipline,Icouldeasilyhavegivenup.Inurturemypurposeinrelativerealityaswellasultimatereality.Ontheinnerlevel,Iutilizemeditation,forexample,toremainintouchwithmyfoundationalwholenessandtonurturetherelationshipwithmydivinenature.Ialsofostermypurposeonthelevelofrelativereality—intheouterworldofpracticalityandactionablegoals.Forexample,Imakeitapointtosetconcreteandmeasurablegoalsformyself.Iamblessedwiththreepeoplewhohavecommittedtosupportingmypurpose.Iamaccountabletothem.WemeeteveryMondaytogoovermycurrentintentionandmycurrentactionitems.EveryweekIreporttoallthreeofthem:Here’swhatIdiddo,andhere’swhatIdidn’tdo.Thisisthesortoftangible,practicalsupportthathelpsmenurturemyouterpurpose.ConsciousActionActionisstillrequired.Inanawakenedlife,it’sverydifferentthantheouter-drivenactionwemaybeaccustomtoliving.There’smoreeaseandmoregrace.It’snotaboutachievingsomethinginordertobesuccessfulorto

beacceptedoracceptable;it’saboutdoingsomethingthat’snourishingusinternally,somethingthatcomesoutofwhoandwhatweessentiallyare.So,wecanliveingratitudeforeverysingleactionitem;everytaskisnowanexpressionofourvision.It’satrulydifferentwayofbeingintheworld.Don’tworryifyouhaven’tdiscoveredyourpersonallifevision.Growinginawarenessofwhoandwhatyouareisyourfundamentalpurpose.Themoreyouliveinthatpurpose,themoreapparentyourownindividualouterpurposewillbecome.And,asyoualignmorecloselywithyourpurpose,thepeopleandthetoolstosupportyourvisionwillflowmoreeasilyintoyourlife.Theworldwillhelpguideyouintowhat’snext.Awordaboutego:Inmanyspiritualpracticesandtraditions,itistaughtthatthegoalistoberidoftheego.AsmywonderfulfriendandcolleagueDr.SueMortersoeloquentlystated:“Onlyegowouldwantegotodie.”So,ratherthanviewingyouregoassomethingtobedestroyed,Iinviteyoutoopenuptoanewwayofseeingit.Intheawakenedstate,theegobecomesthevehicleforSpirit.Inotherwords,theegoholdswithinitaspectsofpersonalitythatcanbeusefulinyourlifeandinthisworldwhenmarriedwithapowerfulvisionandintention.Inmy own life, I am grateful that I have certain talents that allowme to delivermymessage of spiritualawakeningtoalargeaudience.Whatarethegiftsofyourego?ChoosingHappinessOurculturetellsusthathappinessissomethingtobeachieved.Oftenweactasifourpurposeinlifeistofindhappiness,whetheritbethroughachievingwhatlookslikesuccessorfreeingourselvesfrompain.Thetroublewithanythingwe“get”inthatwayisthatwethenmaybelieveweneedtohangontoit,tofightforit,orwemightfearwewillloseit.TheDalaiLamasaysthisabouthappiness:“Whenyouarediscontent,youalwayswantmore,more,more.Yourdesirecanneverbesatisfied.Butwhenyoupracticecontentment,youcansaytoyourself,'Ohyes-IalreadyhaveeverythingthatIreallyneed.'”Wemightlookathappinessassomethinggrantedtotheluckyfew.Ourstories,ourcorebeliefs,mighttellusthathappinessisbeyondus,thatit’sonlyforotherpeople.Butifwebelievethathappinessisjusttheluckofthedraw,asitwere,ifit’savailabletosomeandoutofreachforothers, that’sa roadmap todespair.Fortunately,wecanexperiencehappiness inadifferentwayasweawakentoourtrueself.Webegintoexperiencehappinessasachoice.Forsome, thiscanbehardto imagineoraccept. In fact,outofall thediscussions Ihavewithpeopleaboutspiritualawakening,thisistheonethatresultsinthemostpush-backandresistance.“Happinessisachoice?I’mnotsureifIcanbuythat.”“Really?Doyouknowwhatyou’resayingtopeoplewhohavedepressionoraresufferingfromadebilitatingillness?”So,firstletmeclarifywhatImeanbyhappiness.Happinessinthissenseismorethanafeeling.It’smorethanarushofecstasy,morethanhavingagreatdayorevenagreatyear,morethan the experience of health or the absence of pain. It’smore than the security that comeswith externalsuccess.Further,happinessisnotsimplyflippingthestory,orlookingforthegoodinallthings.It’sastateofcontentment,andalevelofsatisfactionwithwhatis.Wemightcallitjoy.InthebookHowWeChoosetoBeHappybyGregHicksandR.F.Foster,theauthorsinterviewedpeoplefromaroundtheworld—bothhappypeopleandunhappypeople.Theyfoundninebasicchoicesthattrulyhappypeoplehavemade.Thesearenotattributes,activities,orfeelings.They’rechoices.Youmightbesurprisedtohearthatoneofthechoiceshappypeoplemakeisthechoicetofeelemotionsdeeply.Happypeoplechoosetoembraceall theirfeelings.Whenhappypeoplelosesomeone,theyhurt,theygrieve,theyfeel loss.Lossandsorrowarejustasmuchapartofanauthentic,integratedlifeasfeelingsofsatisfactionandjoy.Whentrulyhappypeopleallowthemselvestofeeldeeply,thosefeelingspassthroughthem,whichallowsthemtoreturntotheirnaturalstateofpresenceandjoy.

ChoosingPeaceHowcanyoumakethiskindofchoice?Howcanyouchoosepeaceandhappinessineverymoment,regardlessofoutercircumstances?It’sallaboutawareness.Ifyou’retrappedbyyourunconsciousbiasesandassumptions,then those things are running the show and making your choices for you. Those mental structures areunconsciouslydictatingwhatyoufeel,andwhatyoupushintotheshadow.Fromthatlevelofawareness,youcan’tseemtochoosehappiness.Youcan’tseemtochoosebecauseyoudon’tknowyoucan.Butasyoubegintoidentify those limiting inner constructs, thosedeeplyheldbeliefs about yourself and theworld, thenmorepossibilitiesbecomeopentoyou.Asyourawarenessdeepens,sodoesyourexperienceoffreedom,includingthefreedomtochoosepeaceandhappiness.Andthiscomesfromastateofconsciousness,awayofbeingintheworld.Yes,peaceandhappinessarebothstatesofbeingintheworld.Theyarechoices.Happinessandpeacearedecisionswemake.Wecandecidethatnomatterwhathappens,we’regoingtobeopen-hearted,loving,andconnected.Evenwhenwelosetouchwiththatchoiceandseemtogetbumpedofftrack,aswhensomethinghappenstotriggerourfight,flight,orfreezeresponses,wecanstillreturntothischoice.Peaceiswhatmakesthishappinesschoicepossible.Peaceisthesensethatwedon’tneedanythingoranyone to change in order to experience a deep sense of contentment and joy. It’s the assurance that ourfreedomisnotlimitedbyhowthingsareintheexternalworld.Onemightimaginethatlivinginastateofpeaceandhappinessputsusinastateofdenialaboutalltheseemingpainandinjustice intheworld.Butchoosingpeaceandhappinessdoesn’trequireusto looktheotherwaywhenwe’reconfrontedbyitsseemingopposite.Infact,it’stheconfidenceofpeaceandthepowerofhappinessthat allows us to infuse every situationwith love and forgiveness. It’s whatmakes peaceful resistance soeffective,it’swhatenergizesthelivesofpeoplelikeMahatmaGandhiandMartinLutherKing,Jr.WhenwearegroundedinonenesswithSourcewecanapproacheventhemostviolentsituationwithoutsuccumbingtothereactiveimpulse.Andwhenwe’refreefromtheimpulsetofightback,tofixthings,tobeatupthe“badguy,”ourvisionexpandsandwecanexperienceotherpossibilities.Thisiswhatismeanstoliveanawakenedlife.DiscoveringTrueFreedomOurcultureisallaboutfreedom.Peopleoftenspeakoffightingforfreedomorprotectingfreedomfromtheenemy.Wetendtothinkaboutfreedomassomethingtobegainedorlostontheoutside—somethinggrantedtousbyexternalthings,likeourconstitution,government,orlifestyle.Andwefearitcanbetakenfromusbyexternal things, likeournation’senemies, thepenal system,ourboss,orouraddiction. I’d like to lookatadifferenttypeoffreedom—onethatisnotfreedomfromanythingexternal.Simplyput,thisisaninnerfreedomfromduality,from“good”“bad”“right”and“wrong.”It’sfreedomfromthestoriesandperspectivesthatlimitourchoicesandviewpoints.Thisfreedomopensustothepowerofauthenticity, tothechoiceofpeaceandhappiness,toawakenedliving.Thisdoesn’tmeanthatinastateoffreedomwearenotevergoingtonoticewehaveopinionsorperspectives;it simply means that we are not as deeply entrenched or invested in our opinions and perspectives. Werecognize their place in the spectrum of possible options. We see our opinions and perspectives as anexpressionofwhoweareandwhatweareexperiencingatthismoment,givenwhatweknowandwhatwedon’tknow.Ouropinionsandperspectivesarenotthetotalityofwhoandwhatweare.Furthermore,aswecontinueonourpathofawakening,wecanactuallyraiseourconsciousnessandmovebeyondopinionsandperspectivesaltogether.Freedomisthenpossibleandwearriveataplaceofwitnessingliferatherthanreacting

to it. It’s being in a state of awareness of nonresistance and non-judgment that allows us to evaluate ouropinionsandperspectivesandchoosefromthere.Areouropinionscausingconflictanddivision?Iftheyare,ourfreedomopensusuptotheothersidesofthestory,topossiblealternatives.Isourperspectivebringingsomethingvaluabletoarelationshiporsituation?Ifit is,ourfreedomopensusuptoaddingfurthertothatperspective,tonurturingitwithadditionalinformationanddeepernuance.Innerfreedomislivinginpresentmomentawareness.Itisalevelofconsciousnessthat’sbeyondclingingandaversion,beyondsuffering.Thattomeiswhatismeantby“Beingintheworldbutnotofit.”Whenwe’reofthisworld,wearebouncedaroundbylife,reactingtowhathappenstous,imprisonedbythestorieswe’vebuiltupaboutourselvesandourworld.Whenwe’reinthisworldbutnotofit,westillmovethroughrelativereality,butwe’regroundedinourabsoluteessence,andthisprovidesunlimitedfreedomtochoose,tofeelfullywithoutbeingmanipulated,andtorespondratherthanreacttothefluctuationsoftheouterworld.Moving toward freedommayseem likeaprocess, andnotaone-timeevent.Things in theouter realmcansometimespullusbacktowardoldbehaviorswhenweareearlyinourspiritualpractice.Justbecausewearegrowinginawarenessdoesn’tmeanthatdaily“challenges”willsuddenlystopappearing.Ourspiritualpracticeskeepusaware,helpingustoreturnconsistentlyandconstantly,momenttomoment,backtoastateofloveandconnection.Freedommaytakepractice,andasthingslikemeditationandmindfulnessteachustobecomemoreawareofourreactiveself,webecomeabletowitnessthereactiveselfwithoutjudgmentandthentoquestionit.Wecanaskwhatchoiceswehavetomakeinthesituation.Therearealwaysdeeperlevelstofreedom;indeed,becomingpatientwiththisprocessisakindoffreedominitself.Areyoureadytoreleaseandletgooftheself-imposedprisonyouhavebeenlivingwithin?Thisisthemoment!EmbodyingtheNewParadigmMichaelBernardBeckwithsoeloquentlystated:“We’renotheretosavetheworld,we’reheretoservethenewparadigm.”Spiritualteachershavelongtaughtusthatwearemorethanhumanbeingswhonowandagainhaveaspiritualexperience;wearespiritualbeingshavingahumanexperience.Thishasbeenanimportantinsightforhumanity.Butit’softenstillgroundedinbinarythinking,inadualitybetweenphysicalandspiritual.Todayhumanityisenteringanotherlevelofconsciousness—theemergingrecognitionthatwearespiritualbeingshavingaspiritualexperience.Thisawarenessoftheunderlyingunityofallallowsustowelcomethingswemightotherwiseseeas“negative,” likedisease,unemployment,anddeath,aswellastheexperienceswe’vetendedtoseeas“positive,”likeanewbaby,apromotion,orfallinginlove.It’sallpartoftherichtapestryofanauthenticandawakenedlife.Whenwelivefromthismysticalawareness,welivewithafeelingtonethateverythingisspiritual(meaningwerecognizethegreaterrealityofonenessbeneathallsituations),andwenolongerattempttoclingtothe“positive” or eradicate the “negative.” We no longer avoid either light or shadow. From this space ofconsciousness,wecanbetheobserver.Wecanrecognizethateverythingisfuelfortransformation,andyes,someof themostpainfulexperiencescanbe themost transformative.So,evenasweenter intosomethingpainful,evenaswe’refeelingthatpaindeeply,thespiritualperspectiveallowsustoask,“Whatiswantingtobebornhere?”ThisopennesstoSpiritinallthingsisthenewparadigm.It’saspacebeyondduality,aspaceofstillnessintheessentialself.Thisnewparadigmisbeyondanyoneperspective,beyondanysinglestory,fullygroundedinpresentmomentawareness,incuriosity,awe,andwonder.What’smore,thenewparadigmtakesmuchlesseffortthantheold.Dualityishardwork.Ifwe’restuckseeingtheworldthroughthelensof“us”and“them,” then compassion can be difficult, gratitude and generosity challenging, and forgivenessmay seemalmostimpossible.

Whenweawaken to thedeeperunderstanding thatwe’re all one,weexperience an immense shift. In thisparadigm,wemaysometimesstillexperiencepain,butwewillnolongerblameanyoneoranysituationasthecauseofthepain.Wewillbeaccountableforourownexperience.Itmaybethatawoundwithinusistouchedbywhathappened,andinthatcase,it’simportanttodiscoverhowitmighthelpusgrowbeyondthattrigger.Asamatteroffact,wenolongerfocusontriggersatall,butacknowledgethatsomethingisactivatedwithinusthatiswantingtoheal.Inthatway,wecanwelcomeeverysituationasanopportunityforourowngrowthandexpansion.Whenwecometoseethatwhatotherpeopledoorsaydoesn’timpactthetruthofwhoandwhatweare,andwerecognizetheyareactingoutoftheirown“woundology,”wedon’tmakeourselvesvictimstoanyoneelse’sbehavior.Wenolongerblameanyoneelseforourexperiences.Webecomeabletorespondtothemrather thanreactingoutofouroldprogramming. In thisway,wecanbeatpeaceregardlessofoutercircumstances.Asweembodythisdynamicnewparadigm,newpossibilitiesopeninourconsciousnessandinourlives.Werecognizethatbecausewehavegrowninconsciousawareness,wecannaturallyaccessandactivateadeeperblueprintforourlives.Wecanembracealifefilledwithconnectionandjoy.Wefindourselveslivingfromaperspectiveofcontinuousaweandwonder.Lifebecomesimmenselysimplerovertime,andwemoveintoawayofbeingthatevenfeelseffortless.Thisisbecausewehaveawakenedintoanewwayofseeingourselvesandtheworld.Wehavebeenreturnedtoouroriginalperfection.Becauseofthis,ourlivescontinuetoopentogreateropportunities.Aswegrowourlevelofconsciousness,theouterworldresponds.AwakeningintoServiceWhenwetapintoadeepervisionforlife,itcanliterallybringustolife,becausethevisionsthatcomefromouronenesswithSourcecallustobemorefullyauthentic.Interestingly,inmostcases,thosevisionsinvolveservingotherpeople.Ithasbeensaidthatatrulyfulfillinglifeincludesservingothersinsomeway.Thathascertainlybeenmyexperience.Peoplewhoarelivingauthenticallyinloveandconnectionoftendonotenvisionjustlivinginordertogetmorestufformorepower,itquiteoftenalsoincludeshelpinghumanityinsomeway.There’ssomethingaboutlivingintruefreedomthatleadsustowardservingasacatalystforcontributingtotheworld.MahatmaGandhisaysitthisway:“Servicewhichisrenderedwithoutjoyhelpsneithertheservantnortheserved.Butallotherpleasuresissuedpossessionspaleintonothingnessbeforeservicewhichisrenderedinaspiritofjoy.”Thegreatestformofservicewecanoffertheworldisnurturingandgrowingintoastateofpresentawareness,livingasloveandconnection.Whenwe’relivinginastateofconsciousawareness,ourverybeinghelpsshiftthegreaterconsciousnessontheplanet.So,thefirstandbestwaytobeofserviceistodoourowninnerworkofclearing.Fromthatconsciousnessoffreedom,eachofuschooseshowweservetheworld.Weoftenthinkof“servicetoothers”assomethingthatisofferedfromaplaceofsuperiority.Weseeitassacrifice,asgivingupsomething.Peradualisticparadigm,ifweare“goodpeople”wewillgivefromthestoreofwhatwehavetothosewhohaveless.Thisassumesmanythings.Itmightassumethatserviceinvolvessomeonewhohasmore,knowsmore,orisworthmore.Itmightmeangivingupsomethingtoapersonwhohasless,knowsless,orisworth less.Soright fromthestart, thisservice isbasedonduality,and itbothassumesandencouragesanunequalrelationship.Ourservicecanbealltangledupwithamartyr/victimconsciousness.Let’ssayyoudecidetogetinvolvedinhelpingthehomeless.Ifyouapproachthisundertakingasasacrificeofwhatyoupossess,thenyoumayendupcreatingmoresuffering.Thisapproachtendstoputyou,the“giver,”inapositionthat’ssuperiortothatofthe“receiver.”Thisrelationshipmaysetupcertainexpectationsthatlimit

understandinganddiminishyourservice.Forinstance,itmayleadyoutomakeassumptionsaboutwhatthepersoninfrontofyouneeds,withoutknowinganythingmoreaboutthem.Youmaybemoretemptedtojudgethemandtoresistinformationthatchallengesyourjudgment.Oryoumaybecrippledbyguiltthatyouhaveplentywhiletheydonot.Butifyoucometoservicefromaspaceofpresentmomentawareness,fromaspaceofoneness,youwillbefreefromjudgmentandresistance,abletoremainmorepresent,moreauthentic,moreopentowhatpeoplearesaying,andmorerelaxedaboutyourwork.Whenyouareopen,youallowotherstoopen,andthisisalargepartofanyservice.Thismakestheservicethatwe’recalledtoinanawakenedlifesomuchmoregracefulandrichthanwhatwemighthaveexperiencedbefore.Ourawarenessshapesourservice.Oureverymoment,ourevery act, is formed by our consciousness, ourway of being in theworld. So, thatmost fundamental anduniversalhumanservice—growinginawarenessandlivinganawakenedlife—leadseachofusintoourownuniqueformsofservice—whetherthatbeworkingwiththehomeless,helpingpreservewildlifehabitat,servingasamentororcoach,orevendiscoveringthatwehaveapowerfulandinnovativewayofservinghumanityasawhole.Whateverwedo,livinginastateofopenawarenesswillleadtoandshapeauthenticservice.Itstartsinconsciousnessanditendsinconsciousness.EngaginganEnlightenedLifeEnlightenmentisaninsidejob.Nothingontheoutsideneedstochangeforyoutobehappy,free,andlivingthemostawakenedversionofyourlife.Asyourecognizehowthebeliefs,stories,andperspectivesthatinitiallyprotectedyoumaynowbelimitingyourfreedomandyourchoice,youcanmoveintotheprocessoflivinginonenesswithSource.Asyouwakeup,youhavemorefreedomandmorechoice.Thisisbothaprocessandamoment-by-momentdecisiontorememberthetruthofwhoandwhatyouare.Youcanliveinastateofawe,wonderandpeace,andyoucanchoosehappiness.Inbeingpeaceandhappiness,indemonstratingittoyourselfandtoothers,youservetheworld.Bringingthenewparadigmtolifeistheultimateservice,andthegreatestgiftyoucanoffer.Humansaredesignedtogrow.Aswereachonelevelofunderstanding,wetendtoyearnforadeeperawareness.Whenwecomeupagainstthelimitsofourcurrentstate,ourcurrentbeliefsorstrategies,wemayexperiencediscomfortorimbalance.Whenwe’reabletobewiththatdiscomfort,wecanseewhereitcomesfromandwhereit’sheaded.Andsowegrow.Whereverweare,whateverourlevelofconsciousness,wecangrow,wecanbecomemorefullyaware,morefullyawakened.Enlightenmentisactuallyaveryordinarystate.Itisalsoanextra-ordinarystate.Itfeelselevatedbecauseitisnotburdenedbyalltheweightyideasandbeliefswehadpreviouslyamassed.Whenwecometorealizethetruthofwhoandwhatweare,weareno longer limitedbythe falsesenseof identitywithinwhichwehadpreviouslybeenconfined.Ournaturalstateof freedomisrestored.Thereisnolongeranythingtofear.Thedeeppeaceofourtruenatureisrevealedtous.Wearenolongerrunbytheprogramsinourmind—thatis,ourlearnedideasaboutwhoweareandhowwe“should”live,includingourconceptsof“rightandwrong,”and“goodandbad.”Wehaverememberedthatwearepureconsciousness.Consciousnesssimplyis.Itisnotfororagainstanything.Itsimplyiseverything.Whenwearefullyself-realized,wenaturallyspeakandactaslove.Wecouldnotpossiblydoorbeanythingelse.

InConclusionLet’slookathowfaryou’vecome.Thinkbacktothemoment(ormoments)whenyoufirstrealizedthatyouraddictivebehaviorwasnolongerservingyou.Whenyoufirstacknowledgedthatyoursearchintheouterrealmwasn’tgoingtofixthings—noamountofalcohol,work,sex,shopping,oranyotheraddictivebehaviorcouldrestoreyoutoaplaceofwholeness.Youcametobelievethatsomehowanawarenessofloveandconnectionwaspossibleforyou,eventhoughyoucouldn’tseeitorevenimagineit.Thatsteptookcourage.Ittooktrustinyourrecovery.Now,thinkbacktowhenyouwerefirstrecognizingandreleasingyourcorefalsebeliefs.Rememberthatpainful“aha”momentwhenyourealizedthatondeeplevelyoutrulydidbelieveyouwereunlovable,orunworthy,orwhatever?Whenyoutrulyfelthowdeeplyuncomfortablethatfalsenarrativewasbecauseitwasn’tyourtrueself?Whenyousawthattherealityyouhadcreatedfromyourcorefalsebeliefswasnottherealityyoudesired?Thatsteptookawillingnesstoreachdownintotheshadowandwelcomeituptothesurface.Thatsteptookconviction.Ittooktrustintheprocess.Rememberthatmomentwhenyoufirstwonderedifmaybeanotherwaywaspossible?Andrememberwhenyoustartedrealizingthatyouarenotyourbeliefs,yourstories,youroldnarratives,yourreactions?Rememberwhenyouwereabletotakethatnextstepintotheunknown,intoanewrelationshipwithyourselfandwithSource?Rememberthejoyandexcitementyouexperiencedwhenyourememberedadeepertruthofwhoandwhatyoutrulyare?Thatsteptookimagination.Ittooktrustinyourself.Recoverymeans a restoration to health. It is a restoration to your essential self. It is a restoration of thebeautifulinfinitepotentialyouwerebornwith,freefromallthelimitedandlimitingdistortionsofthoseoldstoriesandfalsebeliefs,andfullofpossibility,curiosity,andawe.Thatrestorationisyourdivinevision,yourultimatepurposeasahuman.ConsciousRecovery restoresyou to thisplace. It returnsyou to thisperfectlyrecovered canvas. Andonce you’re there, you can consciously createwhatever portrait your onenesswithSourcerevealstoyou.Andyoucanbethatself,thatvision,muchmoredeeplythanwhenyouidentifiedwithyouroldmisrepresentationsoflimitationandbrokenness.Youhavethepowertoopenyourhearttoanewwayofbeing.Youhavethepowertoexperienceadeepsenseofgratitude,peace,andhappiness.Thispoweriswithinyou,righthereandrightnow.Allyouneedtodoissayyes.Areyouready?

Agentlereminderofthetruth:

YouareWhole

YouarePerfect

YouareMagnificent

Youdeservealifefilledwithlove,connectionandjoy.

Youhavethepowertoconsciouslycreatethelifeofyourdreams.

THEMOMENTISNOW!

ReflectiveExercisesandJournalingProcesses

Chapter9:AwakenedLiving

ReadingfromchapternineofConsciousRecoveryLivinganawakenedlifeisfundamentallysimple.It’sournaturalstate.Awakenedlivingiswakingupfromtheillusion of separation, fear, and scarcity, and returning to our original perfection. Awakened living isexperiencingabsolutepresence,andlivinginastateofaweandwonder.It’slivingbeyondourstoriesofshameandtrauma,andlivinginastateofcuriositythat’spossiblebecausewearegroundedinloveandcommunityinanever-growingrelationshipwithouressentialself.AwakenedLivingisarecognitionthatthebasisofourlifeisfreedomandthepurposeofourlifeisjoy.ReleasingStatementIletgooftheillusionofseparation.AffirmingStatementIamlivinganawakenedlife.SimpleMeditationPracticeThischapter’smeditationisasilentwalkingmeditation,likethenaturewalkyoudidinapreviouschapter.Thedifferenceisthatthismeditationpracticeinvolveswalkinginsilencefor30minutes,andyouaregoingtodoitinthemidstofotherpeople.Soyoumightchoosetowalkdowncitystreets,orwalkthroughyourlocalshoppingmall.Theintentionistonoticewhatisdifferentwhenyouarearoundpeople,butremainsilent.Whatdoyounoticeaboutotherpeople?Aboutyourself?Onceagain,writeaboutyourexperienceonceyouhavecompletedthewalk.Exercises1.FindingYourPurposeProcess:Makealistof7peopleyourespectandadmire.Theycanbesomeoneyouknoworapublicfigure.Theycanbedeadoralive.Theycanbearealpersonoracharacterinabookormovie.Onceyouhavemadethelist,writedown3wordstodescribeeachofthem.(Theyare_____.)ItisOKifthewordsrepeatforthedifferentpeopleonyourlist.Onceyouhavewrittendownall21words,circlethewordsthatrepeat.Then,onanindexcard,writedownthe3wordsthatrepeatmostoften.(Oryourfavorite3wordsfromthelist.)Haveyoueverheardtheterm,“Youspotityougotit?”Itmeansweonlyseeinothersthatwhichwepossesswithinourselves. Italsomeansthat the3wordsyouwrotedownarethe“truth”ofwhoyoureallyare.My

invitationistokeepthecardwithyouandifyouareeverfeelingstressed,irritatedorjudgmental,pulloutyourcard and remind yourself of this deeper truth of who and what you are. Notice how this changes yourperspectiveandsenseofwell-being.2.EmbracingHappinessActivity:(ThisisanexerciseadaptedfromthepowerfulbookHowWeChoosetoBeHappy authored bymy friends Rick Foster and GregHicks.) Set a timer for fourminutes. During the fourminutes,makealistofeverythingthatmakesyouhappy.Listanythingthatcomestomindbyspeedwriting.Thismeansyouwriteasfastasyoucanwithoutstopping.Includethingsbothlargeandsmall.Don'tjudgeyouranswers.Theideahereistoallowinternal“stuff”tosurface.Whenthetimersounds,stopwritingimmediately.Makeanoteofhowyoufeel.Often,makingthelistwillactuallychangeyourbodychemistry.Manypeoplehaveafeelingoflightnessorexhilarationafterspeedwritingtheirlist.Somefeelrelaxedandothersmayexperiencesadness.At thispoint, itdoesn'tmatterwhatyou'veputonyour list;what is important isexperiencingtheprocessofidentifyingwhatbringsyouhappinessandhowitmakesyoufeel.Studyyourlist.Nowaskyourself:HowdoIfeelaboutwhatI'vewritten?Surprised?Frustrated?Wasitdifficultformetocomeupwiththings?DidIfreezeasIwrote?HowmuchofthelistreflectswhoIreallyam?Now,askyourselfwhatitwouldtakeforyoutocreatemorehappinessinyourlife. 3.DiscoveringTrueFreedomExercise:Idefinefreedomas“aninnerfreedomfromduality,from‘good’and‘bad’and‘right’and‘wrong.’It’sfreedomfromthestoriesandperspectivesthatlimitourchoices.Thisfreedomopensustothepowerofauthenticity,tothechoiceofpeaceandhappiness,toawakenedliving.”Now,answerthesequestionsand(rereadthemifyou’realoneor)sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup):

• Whatdoestheword“freedom”meantoyou?• Haveyoueverexperiencedthetypeoffreedomdescribedinthequote?• Ifso,whatallowedyoutohavethat?Ifnot,howcouldyougoaboutcreatingit?• Whatmighthappenifyoudid?• Howwouldyourlifechange?• Howwouldyouraddictionchange?

4.EmbodyingtheNewParadigmTechnique:“ThisopennesstoSpiritinallthingsisthenewparadigm.It’saspacebeyondduality,aspaceofstillnessintheessentialself.Thisnewparadigmisbeyondanyoneperspective,beyond any single story, fully grounded in presentmoment awareness, in curiosity, awe, andwonder.”Again,answerthesequestionsand(re-readifyou’realoneor)sharewithsomeone(ifyou’reinagroup):

• Whatwoulditbeliketoembodythisnewparadigm?• Howwouldyoursenseofselfchange?• Howwouldyourlifechange?• Whatwouldhappenwithyourrecovery?

5.AwakeningintoServiceChallenge:Ratherthananexerciseorpractice,forthischallengeIwanttoinviteyoutospendabitoftimeresearchingsomevolunteeropportunitiesandsignupforvolunteerworkofsomesort.IfyourefertothelistofpeopleandqualitiesyoumadeintheFindingYourPurposeProcess,itmightgive

yousomeideasaboutwhereyoumightgetthemostsatisfactionasavolunteer.Noticehowitfeelstobeofservicetoothers.Whathaveyoulearnedfromthischallenge?Questionsforjournalingandfurtherreflection:

1. Whathaveyoudecidedthatyourpurposeisinlife?2. Isitaninnerpurposeoranouter-directedpurpose?3. “Tappingintoourdivineselfisourmostfundamentalpurpose.”Whatdoesthismeantoyou?4. Howwouldyourlifechangeifyouweretoembracethisidea?5. Haveyouever“caughtavision”foryourlife?6. Ifso,didyouregomindtrytodoubtordampenthevision?7. Whatwouldhappenifyoudidn’tbuyintothatdoubt?8. Haveyoueverthoughtthathappinessassomethingtobeachieved?9. Ifso,whatarethethingsyouaresupposedtodotoachievehappiness?10. Isthatauthenticallytrue?11. Whatothercorefalsebeliefsdoyouhaveabouthappiness?12. Whatifhappinessistrulyachoice?13. Whatwouldittakeforyoutoacknowledgethatyoucanmakethischoiceeverymoment?14. Peaceisthesensethatwedon’tneedanythingoranyonetoexperienceadeepsenseofcontentmentand

joy.Doyouexperiencethiskindofpeace?15. Whatisitlikeforyou?16. Whatifyouwouldchoosetobethatenergymoreofthetime?17. Whatwouldyourlifebelikethen?18. Whatdoes“beingofservice”meantoyou?19. Howcouldembracingthenewparadigmservetheworld?20. Areyoureadytolivethelifeofyourdreams?