core values coffee #2 - presbyterian school · • if you can laugh at your own mistakes, your...

Family, School and Church united in the education and support of each Child. www.pshouston.org

Core Values Coffee #2

RESPECT

Wednesday, October 9, 13

PS Core Values . . .

I know that you RESPECT me . . .

Paul Tough

Part One: Self-Esteem

or Self-Respect?

I want my child to be ____.

Successful? Happy? Respectful?• Greedy• Competitive• Reckless• Discontented--NEED• Task-Centered• Stressed Out• TOO HOT . . .

• Entitled• Arrogant• Insecure• Discontented--WANT• Self-Centered• Apathetic• TOO COLD . . .

• Grateful• Humble• Confident• Contented• Other-Centered• Responsible• JUST RIGHT!

“RESPECT for ourselves guides our morals; RESPECT for others guides our manners . . .”

--Laurence Sterne

Paul Tough

Some Questions . . .• Do we allow our children to get away with little things that may be

disrespectful?

• Do we model respect in our own relationships--with our parents, our spouses, our children?

• Which is more important to us--that our children always be the best or always be doing their best?

• What are we trying the hardest to develop in our children--self-esteem or self-respect?

Paul Tough

Part Two: Parent-Centered,Child-Centered,

or Respect-Centered?

Parent-Centered Parenting . . .

Child-Centered Parenting . . .

Paul Tough

Respect-Centered Parenting• Respect-centered adults parent with a longer view, building character in their

children above all else.

• Respect-centered adults keep their promises, letting their “yes” be “yes” and their “no” be “no.”

• Respect-centered adults tend to embrace and these priorities in this order:

(1) Relationship with God

(2) Relationship with Spouse

(3) Relationship with Children

(4) Relationship with Others

(5) Relationship with Self

“Many well-bred people neglect laying down any rules for the guidance of their children . . .

Parents owe it to their children and to society to instruct them how to be gentle, courteous, and

above all, self-denying. Teach them to RESPECT each other’s rights, to enjoy their merry romp and innocent fun without hurting each other’s

feelings, or playing upon some weakness.”

Some Advice from 1896 . . .

--Youth’s Educator for Home and Society

Paul Tough

Some Questions . . .• Are our expectations for our children attainable for them . . .

what’s behind these expectations?

• How often are our children disappointed, and how do we challenge them to respond to these disappointments?

• How much pressure are we putting on our children to achieve certain successes, and how are we defining this success?

• How important is it to us that our children are respectful? Do they know this is a priority?

Paul Tough

Part Three:

RESPECT 101

You don’t know your own daughter . . .

Respect 101 . . .

Phase/EQ Outcome Skills You Need• Birth to Age Two• Can I trust you?• Who’s in charge?

TRUST• Establish routines• Set a schedule• BE THE PARENT!

• Ages three to five• Are you watching?• To whom do I belong?

SECURITY• Offer recognition• Pay attention• Show ownership . . .

• Ages six to twelve• Do you really love me?• Are you for real?

AUTONOMY(NOT Independence . . .)

• Build relationship• REALLY Listen• Be authentic . . .

• Ages thirteen to nineteen• Who can I become?• Can I take charge?

SELF-RESPECT• Give responsibility• Encourage self-discovery• Transfer accountability . . .

Respect 101 . . .

Paul Tough

Importance of Modeling . . .• If you treat your spouse with respect, your children will respect each of

you and will bring that respect into their own relationships.

• If you manage your money well, your children will learn the value of money.

• If you handle losing well, your children will be equipped to lose well, too.

• If you can laugh at your own mistakes, your children will better be able to laugh at their imperfections.

• If you accept tough jobs as challenges to overcome, your children will be better equipped to fight their way through to complete their assignments.

Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World, Jill Rigby

Respect 101 . . .

Paul Tough

Some Questions . . .• What’s more valuable to us--our kids’ grades or their character?

How are we communicating this value? How much time do we spend on each?

• Do we sometimes brush our children off when they want our attention? How do we think they interpret this?

• Are chores at our houses optional, or are they necessary responsibilities for members of the family?

• Are we giving our children opportunities to serve others?

Paul Tough

Part Four: Purpose

orPerformance?

David and Goliath . . .

Stressing Purpose over Performance

Best of the Best:Stressing Performance

Personal Best:Stressing Purpose

• Success at all costs . . .• Short-term focus . . .• Covers mistakes . . .• Gives up when it’s tough . . .• Competes against others and is critical of

them . . .• Satin Jackets, Blue Ribbons, and Peaking

at 13 . . .

• Significance at all costs• Longer-term focus• Owns and corrects mistakes• Perseveres when it’s tough• Competes against self and with others• Personal records, beating the clock, and

never peaking: “If you concentrate on beating yourself, you don’t have to worry about the competition.”

Best of the Best:Stressing Performance

Personal Best:Stressing Purpose

• Success at all costs . . .• Short-term focus . . .• Covers mistakes . . .• Gives up when it’s tough . . .• Competes against others and is critical of

them . . .• Satin Jackets, Blue Ribbons, and Peaking

at 13 . . .

• Significance at all costs• Longer-term focus• Owns and corrects mistakes• Perseveres when it’s tough• Competes against self and with others• Personal records, beating the clock, and

never peaking: “If you concentrate on beating yourself, you don’t have to worry about the competition.”

Paul Tough

Some Questions . . .• How do our kids deal with losing . . . do we ever let them lose?

• How do our kids view “the competition”--partner or adversary?

• Do our kids’ chores teach them duty and responsibility?

• Do we as parents stick things out and model this for our kids?

• Are we encouraging our children to set their own goals . . . are they attainable for them--without our help?

Paul Tough

Part Five: “Cheerleader”

or“Coach”?

Sweet Takedown . . .

Feedback vs. Guidance

Parent-as-”Cheerleader” Parent-as-”Coach”

• Offers false praise--Carol Dweck• Doesn’t/can’t offer instruction; only gives

“feedback,” and it’s always positive• Uses external motivation• Celebrates mediocrity--”The Tunnel”

• Offers genuine praise for hard work: “I love to watch you play!”

• Provides guidance and expertise• Uses internal motivation• Expects excellence

Parent-as-”Cheerleader” Parent-as-”Coach”

• Offers false praise--Carol Dweck• Doesn’t/can’t offer instruction; only gives

“feedback,” and it’s always positive• Uses external motivation• Celebrates mediocrity--”The Tunnel”

• Offers genuine praise for hard work: “I love to watch you play!”

• Provides guidance and expertise• Uses internal motivation• Expects excellence

Paul Tough

Some Questions (and Answers) . . .• Do we want our kids to be the best they can be? (Then, expect the

best from ourselves . . .)

• Do we want our kids to respect our word? (Then, keep our word . . .)

• Do we want our kids to tell the truth? (Then, we should always tell the truth . . .)

• Do we want our kids to be faithful? (Then, keep our own commitments . . .)

• Do we want our kids to respect others? (Then, we should show respect for others, especially those closest to us . . .)

Family, School and Church united in the education and support of each Child. www.pshouston.org

Core Values Coffee #2

RESPECT

core values coffee #2 - presbyterian school · • if you can laugh at your own mistakes, your...

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