BY NILESH MANDLECHA:

Counseling Skills for Layman

COUNSELOR & COUNSELEE

Counselor is the person who will be counseling & Counselee (Client) is the person to whom you will be counseling.

Counseling skills will be useful to develop Mentoring skills as well.

THE BASIC MODELS OF COUNSELING –

Directive – In Directive model counselor gives the direction to counseling process.

Non Directive – In Non directive model counselor doesn’t give direction to counseling process.

Depends upon the situation & developmental level of the client you can select the model.

NON DIRECTIVE MODEL Three Important words: Advice - Behavioral Level Counseling - Thinking level Support - Emotional Level

ADVICE Counseling is not Advising. Advice is at behavioral level. The impact of Advice is short term. Behavior emerges through thinking. Before I behave I think first & without change in thinking

process, behavior doesn’t change on long term basis. The aim of counseling is to change thinking process of

person. Many people have habit of giving free Advice, even when

other person has not asked for it. The first important lesson is not to give Advice in

counseling setting.

EXAMPLES OF ADVICE Examples of Advice – These examples are hypothetical, in

reality the context may change. “Don’t get Angry, calm down” – This advice will not be

useful without making an attempt to change thought process i.e. behind the Anger the thought process is ‘ Other Person should behave the way I want’

“Don’t take tension, relax” – Need for Certainty is one the root cause of tension(Anxiety), dealing this thought process will be helpful to person & not mere advice of not to take tension

Other examples of advice are - “Reduce your weight”, “Don’t feel Sad, laugh” “Don’t be afraid, be brave” etc. etc.

THE IMPACT OF ADVICE IS ON BEHAVIORAL LEVEL

In stated examples thought process may be different with different people.

The aim of above examples is to highlight the importance of why changing thought process is important & not merely advising which is merely on behavioral level.

Level of Emotional Intensity will not come down by advising.

The thought process associated with emotional intensity needs to be changed, for that counseling will be useful.

WHAT IS COUNSELING “Helping other person to help himself or herself” “Making other person Emotionally Independent is

the aim of counseling” “Counseling doesn’t mean taking clients decisions & Not

imposing your solutions “ “The aim of counseling is not merely problem solving but

dealing with the problem from its root cause i.e. at Belief Level”

“Dealing with Emotional Disturbance i.e. Intensity of Emotions is one of the aims of counseling”

“Shifting from my frame of reference & entering in client’s frame of reference is essential for counselor”

BASIC CORE SKILLS & ATTITUDES OF COUNSELING

EMPATHY -

Why Empathy? We have two minds Rational Mind & Emotional Mind. Emotional mind can block or hijack the capacity to

think logically. It’s important to understand Emotional Mind also in

communication. Merely talking to Rational Mind will not make your

communication effective. Research indicates that behind every motivation

emotion is there. Emotion puts person in action. Empathy is very imp tool to understand Emotional

Mind.

MEANING OF EMPATHY- Ability to imagine oneself in another's place and

understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions.

Empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference.

It also means not only withholding judgment, but honoring what the client is experiencing. 

Suspending judgment and looking for the value in what client is saying.

It literally means to 'feel with' another.  Empathy is about trying to see things as the client sees

things.  It means 'walking alongside' the client.  It means trying to understand the client's perspectives

and feelings, and also what is important to the client

EMPATHY MEANS MIRRORING OF EMOTIONS.

Mirror doesn’t speak; it shows exactly how you are. it doesn’t add anything.

It means telling other person what he or she is feeling without adding anything from your mind.

Empathy requires that you suspend judgment of another's actions or reactions, while you try to understand them.

The goal here, again is to UNDERSTAND, and not judge.

It is always tempting to be evaluating the information from a theoretical or some other external standard.

EXAMPLE OF EMPATHY:

You are feeling sad… Your father was very healthy & he suddenly passed away. Its must be very shocking for you. You have spent whole life with your father & I know he was very close to you I understand how you must be feeling in this situation…….

  Then after 1 or 2 days if required advice, preaching or

telling philosophy will be appropriate but not when you are empathizing.

Only telling “I understand how you feel”. Its not understand feelings. You need to name the emotions & communicating your understanding of that emotion to client

WHAT IS NOT EMPATHY Empathy is not agreeing or adopting

another's viewpoints but understanding and attempting to see things as the other person sees things.

It is not about assessing the rightness or wrongness of what the person is saying but trying to understand how the person is seeing things, and often trying to understand the context.

EXAMPLE OF LACK OF EMPATHY:

Situation: This is an example of an Employee whose father is passed away & after few days came back for work

Employee: (Silently standing in front of boss) Boss: Your father is passed away, how it happened? Employee: Heart attack….. Boss: It’s a part of Life.(Telling philosophy) Don’t get

emotional, forget about it.(Giving Advice & instead of Empathizing telling to deny emotion’s) Let’s focus on work. (Perching).

Telling Philosophy or Preaching will be useful not at this juncture, its important to understand emotions first. Then after sometime if required advice, preaching or telling philosophy will be appropriate.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EMPATHY, SYMPATHY AND APATHY

EMPATHY SYMPATHY APATHYIn empathy, the counselor needs to keep one foot in their own world, and one foot in the client's world.

(Empathy means understanding the emotions of other person & communicating that understanding. Empathy is the ability to "put oneself in another's shoes. )

Sympathy is where the counselor has both feet in the client's world.

Apathy is when the counselor has both feet in the counselor's own world. 

Empathy invites the counselor to maintain an awareness of their own thoughts, feelings, and needs, while at the same time, being in tune with the clients thoughts, feelings, and needs. Maintain an open frame of reference, to understand the client's world from the client's own perspective.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EMPATHY & SYMPATHY

In Empathy I give active emotional support with Rational Detachment. Rational detachment doesn’t mean I am aloof or indifferent. In empathy, we "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto ourselves. In empathy the counselor identifies with the client and at the same time maintains a distance.

Example – if other person is crying then my focus is on understanding the emotions without getting involved into it. I rationally detach my self & still I am able to understand the other person’s emotions.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EMPATHY & SYMPATHY

In Sympathy – I get too much involved in other person, rather than giving emotional support to other person I also flow with the emotional flow of other person. Sympathy is shared suffering. Sympathy implies feeling shared with the sufferer as if the pain belonged to both persons.

Example - If other person is crying then I also start crying. I get flooded with other’s flood. Counseling is not sympathizing.

  While empathizing I don’t have to give any advice,

teaching, moralizing, preaching or telling philosophy. Understanding emotions is the goal of empathy.

HOW TO EMPATHIZE Before you empathize with anybody

ask yourself “If I am at other Person’s place how will I feel”

Empathizing means entering in other person’s shoes but keeping in mind that I am wearing other person’s shoes.

It means understanding emotions with rational detachment. My focus is to understand current state of emotions.

WHAT DO YOU ACHIEVE WITH EMPATHY Empathy helps to establish rapport &

To establish bond of trust. When it is well done, it will help the person lower defensiveness, increase trust, and increase depth of disclosure.

NON JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE –

(UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD - RESPECT)

Being Non judgmental doesn’t mean no judgment can be made at all. We have to make judgment all the time to live .Its your skill. Here we are not talking about skill of judgment but we are talking about attitude.

It is more about suspending judgment and allowing the client the space to be heard without criticism, and to be valued for who they are and what they experience. 

It means accepting them as they are in the moment, and also accepting their potential for how they might be different or changed.

NOT IMPOSING YOUR VALUES, ATTITUDES & SOLUTIONS ON CLIENT -

I have every right to follow my values & attitudes in my personal life;

I don’t have any right to impose on client. For example – Values related to Religion, Politics, Marriage, and

Sexuality etc. etc. You need to leave them behind & being impartial helper.

When ever client talk with counselor, at first the client checks shall I disclose my problem or secrete.

This decision is based on client’s understanding of counselor’s approach & attitudes during the process.

Accepting client unconditionally. Respect is unconditional – it doesn’t depends on clients behavior. Its non possessive caring. Non possessive warmth is imp. Non

evaluative attitude is imp. Acceptance of client as a person, with positive as well as negatives aspects. It means person is accepted for what he or she does.

NOT IMPOSING YOUR VALUES, ATTITUDES & SOLUTIONS ON CLIENT -

Unconditional positive regard does not necessarily equate to agreeing with the client.

It doesn’t mean that the counselor accepts all aspects of client’s behavior as right, desirable & likable.

Being non judgmental doesn’t mean relinquish counselor’s own sense of values, his personal or social ethics.

There is no demand or requirement that they change or to be different in order to be accepted or that they be perfect.

Imperfections are accepted along with mistakes & errors as a part of human condition. Respecting the freedom to choose of client.

If counselor is Judgmental then it will become an obstacle to understand client. Client will not open up & talk further.

Examples of Non helpful Response form Counselor Client –I am short tempered & I believe in God Counselor – God! Stop believing in it. Its Wrong.

GENUINENESS :

GENUINENESS :

Real interest in the client, sincere concern for client, trust & love.

Genuineness meaning what you say & saying what you feel (Congruence)

The genuine person is one who simply tries to be himself/herself. This person is comfortable with all of his/her interactions, and does not have to adapt or change roles in order to be acceptable to others. Genuineness means being honest with himself

“The counselor is what he is during the encounter with the client. It involves the element of self awareness and is able to communicate his feelings appropriately. It means that the counselor is being himself and not denying himself.”

GENUINENESS : Being genuinely interested in helping people. Being Authentic & Genuine to self & others. You need to be in a position to help the client. Understanding your limitations & if you are unable to

help the client then referring to appropriate person is also part of genuineness.

Dealing with your own emotional disturbances sufficiently (not 100%).

Preferably going through the process of counseling for your own emotional disturbances.

Counselor’s belief system can become sometime an obstacle for client’s progress.

Confidentiality of counseling process is essential.

SOME OF THE QUALITIES WHICH GO TO MAKE UP GENUINENESS ARE:

Professional role: Relating to others and helping others are part of the life of a counselor. Thus, at best, counselors should be ‘role free’, which means that a counselor should not use a facade to protect himself/herself or in any way ‘fool’ a client.

SOME OF THE QUALITIES WHICH GO TO MAKE UP GENUINENESS ARE:

Spontaneity: A genuine person is spontaneous and free - but not impulsive. A skilled counselor is tactful, does not put a ‘filter’ between his/her inner life and what he/she expresses to others, and is assertive in the counseling process without being aggressive.

Non defensive: The genuine person is non defensive and is aware of his/her strengths and limitations. When a client is deliberately negative in attitude towards the counsellor, he/she continues to understand what the client is thinking and feeling, and continues to work with him/her. Thus a genuine counselor is at home with himself/herself and can examine negative criticism honestly.

SOME OF THE QUALITIES WHICH GO TO MAKE UP GENUINENESS ARE:

Consistency: A genuine counselor has few discrepancies, and does not have one set of values for each situation he/she is confronted with. A genuine counselor is tactful, and this springs from the strength the counselor has within himself/herself.

Self-sharing: The genuine counselor is capable of deep self-disclosure. This self sharing is done at the appropriate time in order to help the client. It should be done in order to achieve goals in the counseling process. The openness of the counselor also permits the client to risk himself/herself. Thus the counselor opens up his/her defenses to make the whole relationship an authentic one-which is an important stage in building authenticity in life.

SELF DISCLOSURE –

Giving your own example or somebody else’s example to change the thought process of the client.

Coping Model – While giving your own example counselor’s focus needs to be on coping Process you have followed while dealing with somewhat similar situation in your life.

How you were feeling? What was your thinking process? How you dealt with it? This way indirectly you are telling the client to change his or her thinking process.

Here coping process you followed needs to be described & highlighted more.

Important Point – What ever Example you give, it should match with the gravity of client. It means the client should be able to relate with his or her life.

SELF DISCLOSURE – Mastery Model – While giving your

own example if your focus is on - How great you are & how master you

are while dealing with difficult situations in life then it doesn’t help the Client.

Client will feel he is counselor, he is great. I am not that great.

SELF DISCLOSURE – Information Giving – Giving general or scientific information &

leaving on the client to decide Example – You can Refer …… Book/ Website/ Videos .You can visit

to this doctor After giving information let the client decide what to do about it. Information giving doesn’t mean insisting client, if client doesn’t

follow your suggestion

Paraphrasing – Paraphrasing is about the counselor restating in their own words, the essential content message of the talker. By doing this, the counselor is demonstrating to the client that the message has been heard and understood. If it has not been adequately understood, the client also has an opportunity to correct the counselor. 

SELF DISCLOSURE – In verbal communication there is content and feelings.  Content is the 'what' the person is describing, and

feelings is about their personal reaction to the content. In the statement "My wife has left me and now I am

devastated", the content is about the wife leaving, and the feeling is devastation the person feels about the separation.

 Paraphrasing, in its most commonly understood definition in counseling, is about restating just the content without the feeling component. 

Paraphrasing requires the counselor to state back what the client has just communicated. The counselor is not to repeat what the client has said word for word.

 It is preferable for the counselor to use their own words when restating.

 However, it is often helpful for the counselor to repeat the client's preferred words, particularly if the client regularly uses a particular word. 

This can assist in helping the client feeling a higher degree of rapport with the counselor. 

SELF DISCLOSURE –

Paraphrasing should be a condensed restatement of what the client has said (or implied). It should not be an extended commentary or a summary.

 It should also be careful not to add material that was not stated or implied (eg external material that the counselor introduces)

The aim is to get the core message that the person is attempting to describe by the words and other communication.

Paraphrasing doesn’t mean leading' the client in a direction the client does not wish to go.

Paraphrasing what client has said in few lines. This is essential because of this the client will get a feeling that

you are actually listening & you have understood the problem. Throughout the process of counseling this needs to be repeated.

SELF DISCLOSURE –

SOME OF THE MISTAKES OF COUNSELOR Counselor can also make the mistake of focusing on the words of

the client rather than the message.  Focusing on the words leaves the counselor bogged down and often missing

the whole point of what the person has said.  On one level it may sound like the counselor understands but the client will

still feel they need to further clarify.  Words are only the vehicle of communicating, but they are not the

communication itself. They only have symbolic value that must be decoded.

The counselor should be thinking: What is this person trying to say to me, though these words? What do they want me to know?

An example of a paraphrase. Client: My bills are piling up, my wife is expecting me to take her out tonight,

and my boss is harassing me right now. Counselor: You have many demands placed on you.

IMPORTANT POINTS WHILE COUNSELLING Active Listening – (Also refer barriers to listening at

the end of this article) It means Reading in-between the lines. Shifting form your frame of reference & Entering in

the frame of reference of client. Client gets an opportunity to express his or her

feelings. The aim is to understand how client is

responding/reacting to external situations & what thought process is associated with it.

Active listening doesn’t mean you continuously listen without interrupting the client, if client deviates

Then you can interrupt & bring back client on track.

Focusing on Non Verbal Communication – Refer book how to read person like a book or Body language by Allan Pease – eBooks available with me for your reference.

 Probing – (Refer Concreteness at the end of this article) While probing Don’t ask too many questions – Client may

feel interrogated. Avoid complicated or long questions. This will tend to confuse the clients. Simple and short are often more effective.  Balancing questions with empathy facilitate greater disclosure

Ask open ended questions – (unless you are seeking specific piece of information) Open ended approach is likely to yield a fuller disclosure of clients thoughts or feelings. Questions beginning with 'do', 'did', and 'have' tend to lead into closed questions.

Exploring - Explore Sufficient Self talk, Establish Clearly thinking process & emotion – Behavior connection.

IMPORTANT POINTS WHILE COUNSELING

Client Probing from Counselor/ InterviewerI am Uncomfortable/I am unhappy About what? or About whom? (Recover deletion)

Its better to stay.Mary is a better person.Ravi has the hardest Job.

Better than what? (Recover Comparative deletion)Better than whom?Hardest in comparison to what?

They do not listen to me.That does not matter?

Who specifically doesn’t listen to you? (Recover reference)What specifically doesn’t matter? (Recover reference)

Mahesh rejected me? How specifically did Mahesh reject you? (Recover unspecified verb)

Sagar & I want to improve our communication

How you would like to communicate? (Turn back in Process word & specify verb)

Raj never listens to me. Never? (Recover Counter Example) What would happen if he starts listening?(Recover effects outcome)

I have to finish this job. What would happen if you didn’t? What stops you?(Recover effects, outcome, causes)

PROBING:

Client Probing from Counselor/ InterviewerI can’t tell Mahesh the truth What will happen if you do?

(Recover effects, outcome)What stops you from telling? (Recover Causes)

If my boss knew how much I suffered, he wouldn’t do that?

How you are suffering? (Specify verb “suffer”)How do you know your boss does not know? (Recover Assumptions/Representation)How is your boss acting? (Specify what he “does”?)

You make me sad. Was there ever a time I did not make you sad?(Recover Counter Example)How specifically do I make you sad?(Recover cause and effect)How specifically are you sad?(Recover complex equivalence)

You don’t like me. How do you know you do not like you? (Recover Source of Information)

Its bad to be inconsistent Who says it is bad? (Recover Source of Belief)For whom it is bad? (Recover to Whom?)How do you know it’s bad to be inconsistent?(Recover Belief Strategies)

Manish hates me. Manish is always yelling at me.

How does his yelling mean he hates you? (Recover complex equivalence)Have you ever yelled at anyone you did not hate? (Counter example by shifting reference)

PROBING:

UNDERSTANDING LIMITATIONS Personalizing – In any counseling situation certain factors are

beyond the control of client & certain factors are with in the control of client.

In simple words in any situation you can change certain things & you can’t change certain things.

Understanding of this reality is very important for client. Non-acceptance of Reality is one of the biggest quality of emotionally disturb person.

When client is emotionally disturbed it means certain part of reality is denied & clients focus is more on the factors which are beyond the control of client.

Personalizing means making client realize that how he or she is also contributing to problem. How client is going in the direction in which he or she doesn’t want to go.

At this stage Identification of Beliefs which are responsible for emotional disturbance/Problem.

CONFRONTATION Confrontation - Counseling doesn’t mean

goody goody talk. Confrontation means confronting or

Challenging the thought process/Beliefs which are responsible for Emotional Disturbance.

Confrontation needs to be to the point; the words & language you use should Challenge irrational ideas thoughts.

Confrontation provides another view of the problem for

Without empathy (Emotional Support), establishing rapport & bond of trust Confrontation will not be effective. Then client will either be defensive or argumentative. If you follow proper the client to consider. It invites the client to examine inconsistencies counseling process then chances of your confrontation being effective will be high.

CONFRONTATION

Confrontation can be based on counselors own experiences/observations (discrepancy)

Pointing out discrepancies between two behaviors Pointing out discrepancies between two statements Pointing out discrepancies between two behaviors & statements Confrontation can involve providing additional (new) information

concerning the problem – Filling in the client’s knowledge gaps Enforcing rules & regulations Providing the client information about social desirability

Sometime confrontation can be very Intense.

WHEN TO CONFRONT When to use confrontation? The timing

is important, its counselors decision based on the progress of the client in counseling. Confrontation should not be used at the beginning. Confrontation must be constructive (not cruel) to be effective. Confrontation must be intended to help the client (not for personal gain)

ADDITIONAL SKILLS WHICH WILL BE USEFUL FOR COUNSELING

CONCRETENESS –

It is “the fluent, direct & complete expression of specific feelings & experiences regardless of their emotional content”

Moving form General/abstract terminology to Specific/concrete terminology, Moving from Vagueness/ambiguity to Clarity, Moving from irrelevant aspect to personally significant aspect

Inviting the client to be more specific when unclear statements are made, to make communication more clear.

Use what, who, when, where (Not why) & How?

EXAMPLE OFCONCRETENESS –

Example – Client - I had a bad day Counselor - What do you mean by bad day? Client - Everything went wrong.  Counselor - What 'everything' mean? Client - I had a flat tyre and I felt frustrated about it. It serves three important functions1) It keeps the therapist’s response close to the client’s feelings &

experiences.2) Concreteness encourages the client to attend specific problem area

& It also helps the client to take more responsibility for their words and actions

3) It fosters accurate understandings & early corrections of misunderstandings

B) SUMMARIZING – Summarizing helps to clarify that the counselor has understood the

bigger picture of the client's messages, has heard the main points, can help in making the client's story clearer for the client and the counselor. 

Summarizing is similar to paraphrasing in that it is a restatement of the client's preceding communication. However it is much longer than a paraphrase, and it contains the main points that may have been explored in the section of the interview that has just been covered (in contrast to the paraphrasing that restates the last statement of the client).

 Summarizing is about restating themes or key points. It is not interested in the single street but the whole section of the map with the significant features. 

Paraphrasing might occur tens of times in an interview, whereas summarizing might occur only two or three times in an interview.

In a summary it is a good idea to pick up two or three main points. Sometimes it can also be helpful for the counsellor to ask the client to summarize, to help further reinforce certain themes in the conversation.

LISTENING BARRIERS

LISTENING BARRIERS There are three major listening barriers, which can be

broken down into smaller parts. T Avoiding others concerns.  Judging Sending solutions Because of blocks Client feel defensive, close up, or

criticized. They block the natural flow and process of self-disclosure. These blocks can seriously impede the work of a counselor. Listening means putting aside your own prejudices and beliefs, your anxieties and self-interests, so that you can totally understand the other person's thoughts.

Blocks in Listening :Counselors do well to reflect on their own communication styles, examine commonly used lists of listening barriers, and seek to eliminate these while in the counseling conversations.

Mind Reading You don't pay much attention to what people say in fact you don't believe

anything you hear. You are constantly trying to figure out what the person is really saying based on voice inflection and subtle cues.

Rehearsing You focus all of your attention on preparing what you are going to

say when the person stops talking. You will look interested in the conversation but you're actually rehearsing your response.

Filtering You only listen to pat of what a person says. You will monitor a conversation to

determine if someone is angry, unhappy or if you're in emotional danger. Once you are sure the communication does not contain any of these items you mind begins to meander.

Judging You prejudge someone and thus you don't pay attention to what they say. It is

best to make a judgment call after they have completed their conversation.

LISTENING BARRIERS

Dreaming Someone says something that triggers a chain of private

conversations that you hold with yourself. You actually zone out for a minute or two. When you return the person speaking is done.

Identifying You must relate everything to your past experiences.

You will begin talking about your own personally situation before they have finished telling you about theirs.

Advising You are always perched and ready to solve everyone's

problems. You don't wait for the complete story before you jump in with advise.

LISTENING BARRIERS

Sparring Sparring takes on two forms. With the first form of sparring, you argue and

debate with people. You focus mainly on finding things to disagree with. The second form of sparring is when you use sarcastic remarks to disclaim someone else's point of view.

Being Right (Be Perfect) You do not listen to criticism constructive or not. You must always be right and

you will go to any length to make sure you are. You find yourself shouting, making excuses or accusations to avoid being wrong.

Derailing When you are bored or uncomfortable with a topic, you will derail the train of

the conversation. This can be done in several ways but the two most common or a change of subject or by joking.

Placating (Please Others) You are being nice, pleasant and supportive. You want people to like you so you agree with everything. Right . . . Absolutely . . . I know . . . Of course you are . . . Incredible . . . Really?

LISTENING BARRIERS

THANK YOU