CovertNarcissism:SignsofaCovertNarcissist,WaystoProtectYourselffromTheirManipulationandHowtoDealWith

TheirNarcissism

LouisaCox

PublishedbyEscapeTheNarcissist,2019.

Whileeveryprecautionhasbeentakeninthepreparationofthisbook,thepublisherassumesnoresponsibilityforerrorsoromissions,orfordamagesresultingfromtheuseoftheinformationcontainedherein.

COVERTNARCISSISM:SIGNSOFACOVERTNARCISSIST,WAYSTOPROTECTYOURSELFFROMTHEIRMANIPULATIONANDHOWTODEALWITHTHEIRNARCISSISM

Firstedition.February8,2019.

Copyright©2019LouisaCox.

WrittenbyLouisaCox.

TableofContentsTitlePage

CopyrightPage

CovertNarcissism:SignsofaCovertNarcissist,WaystoProtectYourselfFromTheirManipulationandHowtoDealWithTheirNarcissism

WhatisaCovertNarcissist?TheSixGiveawaySignsofaCovertNarcissist

CanaCovertNarcissistLove?

ConfusingConversationswithaCovertNarcissist

TheEffectsCovertNarcissismHasonYou

SettingBoundariesandInteractingwithaCovertNarcissist

LookingAfterYou-WaystoLeaveaVulnerableNarcissist

AboutthePublisher

CovertNarcissism:SignsofaCovertNarcissist,WaystoProtectYourselffromTheir

ManipulationandHowtoDealWithTheirNarcissismByLouisaCox

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FORADECADEOFMYlife,Iwastrappedintoxic,manipulativeandconfidence-crushingrelationships.Iusetheword‘trapped’todescribethistime,asI’dbeenconditionedtothinkthatIwasunlovable,stupidandnotworthyofanythinggood.Infact,becausemyabusersmademefeelsodevalued,I’doftenfeelthankfultowardsthemforbeingwithme.Theymademefeelasiftheywereloweringtheirhighstandardstobewithme,andthiscreatedacycleofmeconstantlychasinglove.Thiswas,asyoumayknow,utterlypointless.

Youcan’tmakeanarcissistloveyou.

WhenImetmymostrecentex,hecameacrossasquiet,introvertedandhardworking.Hehadadry,wittysenseofhumorthatwasreservedforonlyafewpeopleclosetohim.Everyoneelsesawhimasprofessionalandpolite,albeitslightlyquiet.Hisseeminglycalmpersonalityandquiet,inappropriatehumordrewmetowardshim,alongwiththeintelligenceheexuberated.Ofcourse,atthistimeIdidn'tseehimforwhathetrulywas:acovertnarcissist.AndhowcouldI?Inthebeginninghewascharming,affectionate,fullofadorationformeandseemedliketheperfectpartner.

ThepersonI’dbeeninarelationshipbeforethiscouldn’thavebeenmoredifferent;hewassadistic,blatantlycruelandwouldhumiliatemewithhisantisocial,aggressivebehavior.Meetingthisnew,quietandintrovertedpersonseemedlikeabreathoffreshairatthetime.Icouldn’tbelievemyluck.Hemanagedtosweepmeoffmyfeetinnotimeatall.

Howeveridealandpicture-perfectthisseemedatthetime,thisisalsohowacovertnarcissistinitiatestheirrelationships.It'susuallyveryintenseinthe

covertnarcissistinitiatestheirrelationships.It'susuallyveryintenseinthebeginning,veryquickandsomewhatofawhirlwind.That'snottosaythatallromancesthatdevelopquicklyarewithnarcissists,butitshouldserveassomethingofaredflag.Forsomeonelikemewholikestogivethebenefitofthedoubt,andassomeonewhousedtogivemytrustquitefreely,Iwasasittingduckformyex-partner.Iwascompletelydrawninbyhisfacade.

Eventually,themaskdoesslip,andthecovertnarcissistrevealstheirtrueself.Bythispointyou'resoemotionallyinvestedandenamoredbythisperson,nottomentionconfusedbytheirhurtfulbehavior,therelationshipbecomesanamalgamationofupset,uncertaintyandconstantpacificationoftheabuser.

Thefairytalehappy-ever-afterlovestoryyouwerepromisedturnsintosomethingmoresinisterandcovertlytoxicthanyoucouldeverimaginepossible.Soon,thelinesbetweenrealityandfabricationbecomeblurred,yoursenseofselfbecomesdistorted,andyoubecomeashellofyourformerself.Youbecomeengulfedinthenarcissistsblackholeofcloakanddaggerabuse.

InthisbookI'dliketohelpyouunderstandwhatacovertnarcissistis,howtheyexerttheirabuse,theeffectsthishasonyouandwaysyoucanmanagethis.I'dalsoliketoguideyouonsettingboundarieswiththecovertnarcissistandutilizingtechniquestomakesuretheinteractionsyouhavearen’tonesidedorsimplycontrolledbythenarc.Thefinalchapterofthisbookalsoincludesadviceonleavinganarcissist.Evenifthisisn'tsomethingyou'relookingtodo,orifyoucan'tcomprehendthatideaatthemoment,Iwouldstillrecommendreadingitover.Itcouldserveassomehandyinformationforthefuture.

ThemainthingIwantyoutogetoutofthisbookissomeinspiration.Evenifthatinspirationissimplynotacceptingcertainbehaviorsfromthenarcissistorhavingmoretoolsinyourarsenaltocommunicatemoreeffectively,Ihopethisbookgivesyousomegoodtakeawaystoutilize.

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WhatisaCovertNarcissist?TheSixGiveawaySignsofaCovertNarcissist

arcissisticbehaviorisusuallyassociatedwithoverthetop,attention-seekingandmanipulativetraits.Formostpeople,iftheyweretotellyou

whatanarcissistwas,they’dsaytheywereaegotisticalyetcharmingpersonwhothinktheworldrevolvesaroundthem.Whilstthisisn’tincorrect,it’saveryblackandwhiteviewofanarcissistandthebehaviorstheydisplay.There’smorethanonetypeofnarcissist,anddespitethewordbeingverycommonlyusedthesedays,notallnarcissistsconformtoonespecificbehavioralpattern.Narcissismisaverycomplexformofabusethatdoesn’thavea‘onesizefitsall’setofcharacteristics.

Covertnarcissistsareatypeofnarcissistwhodon’tfitthestereotypical,over-the-top,‘lookatme,theworldrevolvesaroundme’personalitythatisusuallyattachedtoanarcissist.Insomeways,covertnarcissismcanbemoredifficulttospotduetotheintrovertedcharacterofthenarcissist.Whilstit’sjustasdangerousasitsextrovertedcounterpart,theintroverted,covertnarcissistisamorehiddenformoftheabuseandthereforeitcanbetrickiertopinpoint.

Themainthingacovertnarcissisthasincommonwithanextrovertedoneisthattheybothusesuperiority(howeversubtleorblatant)tocoveruptheirinternalvulnerability.This,inturn,isalsousedtomaketheirvictimfeelinsecureoroffbalanceaboutthemselvesorthesituation.Whilstsomenarcissistsmayoutrightsay,‘I’mbetterthanyou,soplaybymyrules’,acovertnarcissistwillinsteadstronglyhintatit-theywon’tbedirectaboutit,butyou’llstillfeelthesamedegradationasifthey’dsaiditdirectly.

AsI’vementioned,thereisno‘cutandpaste’setoftraitsforanarcissist,butI’veoutlinedthesevenbehaviorsacovertnarcissistcanexhibitinthischapter.Whilsttheymaynotdisplayallseven,acovertnarcissistwillexhibitsomeofthefollowingthroughoutthecourseoftheirrelationshipwithyou.Youmayfindthatthecovertnarcissistinyourlifedisplaysseveralofthesetraits,oryoumayfindthattheyonlyshowthesebehaviorsfromtimetotime.Regardless,thewaysofbehavingoutlinedhereshouldactasawarning,attheveryleast,andofferyoutheabilitytospotwhenyou’rethevictimofanarcissist.

Smugness

Smugness

‘Nonearesoemptyasthosewhoarefullofthemselves’

Beingquietlyobservant,judgmentalandshowinggesturesofsuperiorityarecharacteristicsyou’llfindinacovertnarcissist.Theytendtodothiswithanairofsmugness,whichcanleaveyoufeelingbelittled,confusedandoftenlikeyou’resimplynotgoodenough.

Thequieter,stealthysuperioritycomplexshowsitselfviaaloof,detachedbehaviorthatjustexudesnegativityyourway.Theirnonverbalcues,suchassighs,eyerollsandaboredlookontheirfacewhentalkingtoyouwillbetraytheirhalf-heartedattempttoassureyouthatthey’reinterestedinwhatyouhavetosay.Thisreassuranceoftenfeelslikeit’sdesignedtomakeyoufeelevenmoreconfusedbecausetheiractionsarecompletelycontradictingwhatthey’retellingyou.

Whenyou’retalkingortaking‘centerstage’inasocialsetting,orevenifit’sjustyouandthem,theywillofferthisdistantanduninterestedbehavior.However,whenthey’respeaking,youmayfindthataswellastheconversationfocusingonthemandtheirviews,they’llalsoattempttobelittleyouandyouropinion.Theircritical,judgmentalcommentsare,ofcourse,veryhurtfulandhumiliating.

MynarcissisticexwouldalwaysswitchofffrommewhenIwasspeaking,oftenbeingeasilydistractedaswellasactingblatantlyuninterestedinwhatIhadtosay.Anyobservationhewouldmakeduringtheconversationwouldbetousedtojudgeme.Whenhedidlisten,howeverhalf-heartedly,hewouldonlydosotobecriticalandjudgmentalofwhatIhadtosay.

Thissmugsuperiorityservesasafronttomaskthevulnerabilitythenarcissistfeels.Thissmugnesscanfeelimpenetrable,soitcanbeagoodideatoremindyourselfthattheirself-satisfying,superiorfrontisn’tanythingtodowithyou.

Whistit’sdirectedtowardsyou,thecorereasonofthistoxictreatmentofyouisdowntotheirowninsecurityandfearofbeingexposedasvulnerable.I’mnotaskingyoutoremindyourselfofthissoyoucanofferpitytothenarcissist,butrathertohelpyouunderstandthatthishurtfulbehaviordoesn’tstemfromanythingyou’vesaidordone.Theproblemistheirs,notyours.

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HIGHLYSENSITIVE

‘Somepeoplecan’tendurecriticismwithoutresentment’

Communicatingwithacovertnarcissistislikewalkingoneggshells.You’reworriedaboutsayingthewrongthingthatmayupset,offendorannoy.

Covertnarcissiststendtohandlecriticism,orperceivedcriticism,verypoorly.Theydeemnegativefeedbackorconstructivecriticismapersonalattacktowardsthem.Theirreactiontothisisn’talwaysgracefulnorisitfromaplaceofwantingtotakethatconstructivecriticismanduseittoimprove.Instead,theyreactinoneoftwoways:theyeithergethighlydefensive,andusethesmugsuperioritydescribedabovetodismissanyunwantedfeedback,ortheywillsulkilywithdrawfromthesituation.

MyexperiencewithacovertnarcissistensuredthatIdidn’tspeakupwhenhewasdoingsomethingupsetting,orifhewasbehavinginahurtfulwaytowardsme.Iwasafraidofinjuringhisfragileegoanddidn’twanttofacethedireconsequencesofupsettinghim.IwouldevenhavetowatchwhatIsaidineverydayconversation,asseeminglyunimportantthingsIwouldsaywouldendupbotheringhim.

Forexample,onetimeImentionedhowI’dliketovisitanItalianrestaurantthatI’dbeentobeforeandaddedthatthefoodthereisbetterandmuchmoreauthenticthanthelastItalianwe’dtried.Ofcourse,Iregrettedmentioningthisimmediately;myexassumedI’dbeentherewithanotherex-partner,andassuchwentinasilentmood.Hisaloofnessanddisconnectionfrommewashurtful,andIdidn’tunderstandwhatI’dsaidsowronguntilheaskedifIhad‘anyothersuggestionsofplaceswecangothatremindmeofmyex’afewdayslater.Asyoucanimagine,Iwastakenabackbyhiscomments,andhurtbythealoofnesshe’dtreatedmetoforseveraldays.

Typically,acovertnarcissistwon’ttellyououtrightwhatisbotheringthembutwillinsteadlettheircoldbehaviortowardsyouletyouknowsomethingisup.

PassiveAggressiveness

‘Ifyou’resureofyourself,youdon’tneedtobepettyorhurtful’

Passiveaggressivenessinacovertnarcissistcanbeseenviathenarcissistbecomingangry,hostile,andthey’lloftenofferafakehelpfulnesswithnointentionofeverhelpingyou.Thesepassiveaggressivebehaviorsareexpressedincovertways,whichareusedtogivethenarcissistanunderhandedadvantageoverthesituation.Ifacovertnarcissistfeelsthreatened,they’llusepassiveaggressivebehaviortoensuretheyareincontrolofthesituation.Thesepassiveaggressivetacticsareastealthywaytoexactpunishmentonthosewhodaretohurttheirfragileego.

Withacovertnarcissist,thispassiveaggressionwillofferathinlydisguisedsenseofsuperiority,entitlement,andisainadvertentwaytoshowcasetheirconceitedviewoftheworld.Acovertnarcissistisinclinedtobecomehostileiftheydon'tgettheirownway.Eveniftheirrequestsordemandsareunreasonable,they’lldevisestealthyyetdestructivewaystomakeyoumiserableforhurtingtheirdelicatesenseofentitlement.

I'lloffersomeexamplesofpassiveaggressivenessbelow:

Verbalhostility:Foracovertnarcissist,puttingotherpeopledownmakesthemfeelself-assuredandsuperior.Makingyoufeelinadequateandinsecureaboutyourselfhelpsthenarcissistrelievetheirowninsecuritiesanddeficiencies.Thishelpsthemseekandobtainafalsesenseofimportance,andtheircriticalandhostilewayofspeakingtoyouwillfueltheirnarcissisticfire.

Youmaybeawareofthephrase‘miserylovescompany’,andthiscouldn'tbetruerforacovertnarcissist.Theywill,eitherconsciouslyorunconsciously,spreadtheirmiseryandunhappinesstothoseclosesttothem.

Myex-partnerwouldusehisverbalhostilitytoputmedownatanygivenchance.WhenIcookedhistea,thechickenwouldbetoodry,andhe'dmockmycookingskills.IfIgotapromotionatwork,hewouldaskwhyIhadn'tachievedthissoonerandberatemefornotgettingabigenoughpayrise.IfIhadanideaoraplantotakeupanewhobbyorlearnsomethingnew,hewouldcriticizethis;hewouldmakemefeeldoubtfulthatIwouldhavethecapabilitiestolearnthisnewskillorhobby.

Inanutshellthispassiveaggressiveverbalhostilityfromthenarcissististheirhabitualcriticismofyourideas,experiencesandfeelings.

Hostilehumor:Verythinlyveiledhostilebanterorjokingisoftenfollowedbythephrase‘Iwasjustkidding’or‘can'tyoutakeajoke?’Sarcastic,hostile

humorofferedfromacovertnarcissististheirwayofexpressingtheirinternalanger,rejectionand/ordisapprovaltowardsyou.

However,withacovertnarcissist,nothingiseverupfront.Insteadofoutrighttellingyouthatthey’refeelingnegativelytowardsyou,they'llusehumorasaseeminglyplayfulwaytomakeyoufeellesscredible,doubtfulandstupid.

Thehiddenintentionsbehindthehumorarequitesinister.Thenarcissistuseshumorasoneoftheirmanyweaponstoberateyoucovertly.Whenthisisdoneinpublicorinfrontofanaudience,especiallywhenthosearoundyoulaughatthenarcissist’scomments,youwillundoubtedlyfeeldiscredited,rejectedanddownrightsilly.

Blaming:Acovertnarcissistwillblameothersfortheirownfailures,irresponsibilityandnegligence.Ifthenarcissistfailsto(orisunwillingto)followreasonablerequests,showprofessionalconductorevenabidebysocialnorms,thisisnevertheirfault;someoneelsewillalwaysgettheblame.

Blamingisaformofgaslighting*,forwhichnarcissistsarerenownedfor.Theintentionbehindtheblamefulbehavioristoavoidanyresponsibilitybymanipulatingthefactsofthesituation.Acovertnarcissistwilldistortyourperceptionofasituationorconversation,thereforemakingiteasiertoplaceblameelsewhere.Oftenthecovertnarcissistwillmisdirecttheblameontoyou,thustakingthefocusofftherealissueathand:theirownfailuresandbadbehavior.

Assomeonewhospentalmostadecadeinnarcissistic,abusiverelationships,Ifelttheheavyburdenofblameonmyshouldersquitefrequently.Forexample,ifmyexwentoutdrinkinganddidn'treturnuntilthenextday,thiswouldbemyfaultforstressinghimouttothepointhedidn'twanttocomehome.Ifmyexdidn'tsuccessfullygetthejobheappliedfor,thiswouldbemyfaultfornotsupportinghimenoughandhelpinghimsucceed.Ifhewaslateforwork,thiswouldbemyfaultfornotwakinghimupearlier.Icouldgoonandon,butIsuspectyougetthepoint.It'sverylikely,sinceyou'rereadingthisbook,thatyou'realsosusceptibletohavingblameheapedonyoufromthenarcissistinyourlife.

CovertSabotage:Covertsabotageisthenarcissist’swayofsneakilyadministeringtheirpunishmentonyouinaverydisguisedway.

Examplesofthiscouldbethenarcissistdeliberatelydisclosinghurtfulandharmfulinformation,ordeliberatelyobstructinganypositiveendeavorsor

harmfulinformation,ordeliberatelyobstructinganypositiveendeavorsorcommunications.Otherexamplescouldbethenarcissistdeliberatelyundermininganyagreementsyou'vemadewiththem.Thenarcissistcouldalsopurposelyoverspendyouragreedbudget,thiscausingyoufinancialdifficulty-butofcourse,you’dbethepersonwhowashandedtheblameforthis.

Theseexamplesareawayofsummarizingthecovertnarcissistsintentions:topunishyou.

Theabovedescriptionsofpassiveaggressivebehaviorareallwaysforthenarcissisttomanipulateandassertcontroloveryourrelationship.Passiveaggressioncanbeseeninvariousway,notallofthemsoobvious.Becauseofthis,it’simportanttoalwaystrytobeawareofanyfalsehoodsyourpartneristryingtoconvinceyouof,andtoensurethatblamefulbehaviorfromthecovertnarcissistismetwithassertiveawarenessofthetruefactsofthesituation.

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*GASLIGHTINGDEFINITION:tomanipulatesomeonebypsychologicalmeansintodoubtingtheirownsanity.

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LACKOFEMPATHY

“Onedoesn’thavetooperatewithgreatmalicetodogreatharm.Theabsenceofempathyandunderstandingaresufficient”

Adistinctlackofempathyisatraitthecovertnarcissistshareswithanextrovertednarcissist.Bothtypesofnarcissistaresoself-absorbedandself-servingthattheyaredismissiveofotherpeople'sfeelings.Often,theirapparentdismissivenessofyourthoughtsandfeelingsisinfacttheircompleteobliviousnesstoyourfeelings.

Frustratingly,evenwhenyoutellthenarcissistthattheirbehaviororattitudeisupsettingyou,orthatit’llresultindireconsequences,theirresponsewilloftenberevertedtobeaboutthem.Yourneeds,wants,thoughtsandfeelingsaren’tthenarcissist’smainpriority.

Forexample,IrecallbeingsopoorlywithfoodpoisoningthatIwasunabletoattendapre-bookedmealwithmyex.Atthetime,Iwasbedriddenandthethoughtofanyfoodpassingmylipsmademewanttovomit.Insteadofbeingconcernedaboutmywellbeing,myexwasmoreconcernedaboutlosingthedeposithehadplaceddowninordertosecureourreservation.AsIwaslyinginbed,visiblyverysick,myexstoodabovemeaskingme‘Itakeityou'renotbotheredaboutthe£50I'velostwiththedeposit?’,andgettingflusteredthathehadtocalltherestauranttocancel.

Eveninmyhazystate,Iwasmostapologetictomyexandofferedtoreimbursehimthe£50helost,towhichheaccepted.

‘I’mSpecial’Complex

“Self-importanceishumanity'sgreatestenemy”

Acovertnarcissist,althoughintroverted,canstillhavea‘specialperson’complex.Theymayheavilyhinttowardsbeingmisunderstood,almostlikethey'resoevolvednobodycanunderstandtheirgeniusoruniqueness.This‘specialperson’complexcanbesomethingthecovertnarcissistusesasa‘woeisme’story:theymayclaimtheyfeelisolatedandmisunderstoodbecausethey'resoone-of-a-kindthatnobodycanpossiblyunderstandthem.

‘I'msoheadofmytime’,wassomethingmyex-partnerusedtosayfrequently.Itwasoneofhiscovertnarcissisticstatementsthatwouldshowcasehisquietsuperiorityanduniqueness.Hiscovertbeliefthathewasanundiscoveredgeniuswasthesuperficialwayofreassuringhimselfofhisownimportance.

Ofcourse,thiscomplexisjustanotherwayforthenarcissisttoburyhisvulnerableandfearfultrueself.

ImpersonalRelationships

“Narcissistsseeothersasimpersonalobjectstobemanipulatedfortheirowngain”

Covertnarcissistsaredeeplyinsecureabouttheirinabilitytoconnectwithpeopleinameaningfulway.Someofthebehaviorsandcharacteristicsofanarcissistareputinplacetoactasadefensemechanismtokeeppeopleawayoratadistance.Thereasonthattheywanttodothisistoavoidbeingexposedfortheirinterpersonalinadequaciesandhidetheirincapabilitytoforgedeeprelationshipswithothers.

relationshipswithothers.

Itcanbefoundthatsomecovertnarcissists,duetotheiroften-introvertednature,willfocusonworkorhobbiesthatrequirelesshumaninteraction,forexamplevideogames,booksandfilms.Theirjobscanoftenalsoreflecttheirlackofinterpersonalskills,althoughthisisn’talwaysthecase.

Whilstacovertnarcissistcanhavefriends,it'softenseenthatthistypeofnarcissistdoesn'tformdeepfriendships,andtheyfinditeasiertocutpeopleoutoftheirlifewithoutanyrealregard.Acovertnarcissistwilloftenhavefriendsthattheyonlyconnectwithonasurfacelevel,andanythingmorethanthatwouldputthenarcissisticindangerofbeing‘exposed’.

Self-Absorbed

“Ifyouliveyourlifeasifeverythingisaboutyou,you’llbeleftwithjustthat:justyou”

Self-centerednessandself-absorptionareverycommoncharacteristicsofacovertnarcissist.Theseintrovertednarcissistsareverypoorlisteners,andassuchformquickopinionsonpeopleandsituations.

Quietpeoplearewidelyassumedtobegoodlisteners,althoughforacovertnarcissistthisisn'tthecase;theoppositeistrue.Becauseoftheirself-absorption,theyoftenfindthingsthataren'taboutthem(orthingsthatwilldirectlyaffectthem)uninterestingandunworthyoftheirattention.

It'sironictothinkthatsuchself-absorbedpeople,likethecovertnarcissist,alsolacktheself-awarenessthattherestofuspossess.Whilstwearefortunatetobeabletohavetheabilitytoreflectonouractionsandbehavior,thenarcissistisunable(orunwillingalotofcases),tofullyrecognizejusthowself-absorbedtheyare.

Mostofusareabletorecognizethenuancesofsituationsandunderstandthatnoteverythingcanalwaysgoourway.However,covertnarcissistsgenerallyonlyfocusontheirwantsand,selfishly,whattheydeemtobeagreeable.Anythingelseisuninterestingtothemorawasteoftime.

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HOPEFULLYTHEABOVEexplanationshavehelpedyouunderstandwhatacovertnarcissistis,andnowyouhavesomeideaofthebehaviorsandcharacteristicsthatoutlinethistypeofnarcissist.Whilstthisishelpfulinunderstandingthistypeofabuse,actuallypinpointingwhenyou’rethevictimofanarcissistcanbequitehardtodo,especiallywithoutanyguidance.

It'simportanttorememberthatthecovertnarcissistispossiblythehardesttypeofabusetospot.Generally,theylookforhighlyempatheticpeople,whowilllistentotheirsobstoriesandgivethenarcissistthebenefitofthedoubt.Oncethevictimthenbeginstofeelasenseofresponsibilityfortheirnarcissisticpartner,that'swhentheabuserknowsthattheyhavethemreeledinandthenampsuptheirabuseintherelationship.

Thevictimisthentrappedinthisabusivecycle.Overtime,thecovertnarcissistwillmakethevictimquestiontheirperceptionofreality,doubtthemselvesandmakethemacceptblamereadily.Becauseofthis,thenarcissisthasensuredthattheywon'tbeheldaccountablefortheirbehaviorbythevictim.

Aswithallnarcissists,covertnarcissistsdohaveapredictablepatternofbehaviorwhenitcomestoromanticpartners.Inthebeginning,theymayappeartoidealizetheirpartner.Thisactsasbaitforthevictim.Oncethevictimishookedin,thenarcissistwillthendevaluetheirpartner,and(asyousadlymaybealltooaware),thisthencausesthevictimtochasetheloveandadorationtheyreceivedfromtheirabuserpreviously.

Thevictimisunawarethatthisdevaluationfromtheabuserisdonewithsinisterandpurposefulintent.Afterthis,thenarcissistwillthendiscardtheirpartner.

Thecovertnarcissistmayappearasacalm,quietandpolitepersontomostpeople.However,whenyou'reinarelationshipwithone,they’reoftencold,distantabusiveanddemeaning.JekyllandHydecanbeagoodwayofdescribingtheirpersonalityandtreatmentofyou.

Often,acovertnarcissistisseeminglyquietandcanusuallybedescribedasbeingmeekandinoffensivebymostpeople,butbehindcloseddoorsitcanbeaverydifferentstory.Theythriveoftheirpartnersfailuresandupset.It'snotanuncommongameforacovertnarcissisttosetyouupforfailureorupset.Thecrazy-makingthingaboutthisisthatthenarcissistwillthenpunishyoufortheaforementionedfailure.Introvertednarcissistsarealsorenownedformakingemptypromises,withouteverhavinganyintentionofdelivering.Theywillthengetatwistedkickoutofyourreactionwhentheyfailtodeliver,oftenmaking

getatwistedkickoutofyourreactionwhentheyfailtodeliver,oftenmakingthemselveslooklikethevictim,andmakingyoulookunreasonableandselfishwithunbearableexpectations.

Ahurtfulandfrustratingaspecttothisbehaviorofmakingpromiseswithoutdeliveringiswhenthenarcissistwilldenyevermakingthatpromiseinthefirstplace.Thisgaslightingbehaviorcanoftenmakeyouthinkyou'relosingyourmind,andmakeyouquestionyourperceptionofreality.Thisisknownas‘percepticide*’.

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*PERCEPTICIDEDEFINITION:atypeofemotionalabusewithinarelationship,whenonepartnerissocontrollingovertheother,thatthevictimlosestheirgrasponthetruthandtheirsenseofself.

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THEBESTWAYTODESCRIBEacovertnarcissistsinternalfeelingswouldbe‘conflicted’.Whilstthenarcissistwantstobeworshippedandadored,andtheydothinkquitealotaboutthemselves,theyarealsoincrediblyinsecureaboutthemselves.Thisinternalconflictcreatestheunbalanced,manipulativeandwillfulconfidence-suckerthatisthecovertnarcissist.

Foralongtime,IaskedmyselfwhyIevergotinvolvedwithsomeonewhohadallofthesetraits.Foranevenlongertime,thosearoundmewouldaskmewhyIwasstillwiththisperson,andwhatIwasthinkingofbynotsimplywalkingaway.Ofcourse,youandIbothknowthatit'smuchmorecomplicatedthanthat.Covertnarcissistsareveryskilledatdrawingusinwiththeirsobstories.They’rehighlypracticedandadeptatfindingtherightvictim,andthesevictimsareoftenpeoplewhoofferlotofempathyandkindness.

I'mahighlyempatheticperson,andifyou’resomeonewhoisorhasbeeninanarcissisticrelationship,I'mgoingtogooutonalimbandguessthatyouaretoo.Thisisbecausethenarcissistwillseeourcompassionate,forgivingandempatheticnatureasaweakness,anduseittotheirwickedadvantage.

Acovertnarcissistessentiallywormstheirwayintoyourheart.theydothiswithtalesofmisfortuneandwoe.Forexample,they’llsaytheirexmistreatedthem,

talesofmisfortuneandwoe.Forexample,they’llsaytheirexmistreatedthem,previousrelationshipsweren'tkindtothemorthattheirfriendsbackstabbedthem.Thenarcissistmayalsoofferastoryofanabusivechildhoodwhichstillcausesthemagreatdealofpain.Spinningtalessuchasthiswillcertainlytriggerushighlyempatheticpeopletofeelsorryforthenarcissist,andweeventuallydevelopasenseofresponsibilityforthem.Aswellasfeelingsorryforthem,duetoour‘benefitofthedoubt’nature,wealsofeeltiedtotheirunfulfilledpotential.

Inmycase,mynarcissisticexmanipulatedmyempathyinwaysthatwerehardtoignore.Hewouldoftenthreatensuicide,orsomeformofself-destructivebehavior,thatwouldmakeitimpossibleformetosimplywalkaway.ThismeantIwasconditionedintoasenseoffear,aswellasanaccountabilityforthewellbeingofmypartner.Thisheavyburdenwasoffsetwiththeassurancethathe'd‘neverfeltthiswayaboutanybodybefore’.NowIknowthiswasjustanotherstatement,notfromtheheart,butratheramanipulativestatementthatensuredIwasresponsiblefortakingcareofhim.YetanotherformofmanipulationthatalsoensuredIbecameisolatedfromfamilyandfriends.

Frustratingly,covertnarcissistsliketoensurethattheiremotionsandfeelingsareparamount,buttheirvictim’sfeelingsandneedsupfordispute.Evenifyou'vebeenthroughsomedifficulttimesandhadsomehorriblethingshappentoyouinyourlife,nothingthatyou'vebeenthroughwillevencompetewithwhatthecovertnarcissisthasbeenthrough;thedeathofoneoftheirfamilymemberswhoalwayshavehitthemharderthanthedeathofoneofyourfamilymembers.Theirexperienceofanillnesswillalwaysbemorepainfulandtraumaticthanyours.

Anythingthatlookstothreatenacovertnarcissistssuperiorityisseenasadirectattacktowardsthem.Thisleadsthemtohavingaveryhighcontemptforotherpeople,andit'salsowhatensurestheirconstantneedtobesuperiortoeveryoneelse.Forexample,myexcouldn'tcontainhisjealousyaboutanyonewhowasabovehiminanyway,particularlyfinancially.Thosewhohadbettercareers,cars,houses,watchesorholidaysweredismissedasbeing‘privileged’,‘fromarichfamily’orsimply‘undeserving’.

Thisjealousinsecurityalsomeansthecovertnarcissistwilltellliesabouttheirpast.Fromthebeautifulgirlfriendsthattheydumped,thejobopportunitiestheychosetoturndown,theexoticplacesthatthey'vebeenonholidayandthesportstheyusedtobeprofessionalatbeforeaninjuryretiredthem-thenarcissistusesthesefibstoensurethatnobodyovershadowsthem.

Iunderstandit'seasiertospotacovertnarcissistwiththeabilityofhindsight,

Iunderstandit'seasiertospotacovertnarcissistwiththeabilityofhindsight,howeverhopefullytheabovetraitsandcharacteristicsofthistypeofnarcissistwillhelpyouidentifyifyou'reinarelationshipwithone.Whenyou'reinarelationshipwithsomebodylikethis,itcanbehardtoadmittoyourselfthatyouareinfactthevictim.

Theword‘victim’wassomethingIstruggledwithforquitesometime,asithadimplicationsofmebeingweakandvulnerable.However,ittakesgreatstrengthtocometotermswiththefactthatthisiswhatthecovertnarcissistturnedyouinto,andtheworddoesn'tdefineyouasapersonbutrathershowstheimpactandramificationsarelationshipwithanarcissistcanhave.

Withtheacceptancethatyouareinanabusiverelationshipcomesandundeniablepower:thispowershouldbeusedtoarmyourselfwiththementaltoolstodealwithanarcissist,healtherelationshipyouhavewithyourself,andinalotofcasesmoveonfromthetoxicrelationship.

WCanaCovertNarcissistLove?

henIfirstcametotermswithbeinginanarcissisticrelationship,myfirstthoughtswerescrambled,panickedanddesperateonesthat

focusedonthehopethatanarcissistcaninfactlove.ThethoughtthatI'dbeeninarelationshipwithsomeoneIadored,yettheywouldneverbeabletooffermethesameinreturn,washeartbreaking.Iscouredtheinternetlookingforwebsites,blogs,books...anythingthatwouldoffermesomecomfortandletmeknowthatnarcissistcanindeedloveanotherperson.

Ofcourse,thisisaverydifficultquestiontoanswer,andvarioussourcesgivevaryinganswers.Somepeoplebelievethatanarcissistcannevertrulyloveanyonebutthemselves.Othersbelievethatwiththerapyandsomeself-developmentwork,thenarcissistcanlearntofallinlove,andthattheyareindeedcapableoftruelove.

Toanswerthisquestion,Iinitiallyonlyhadmyownexperiencewithacovertnarcissisttogooff.IfIweretoanswerthisquestionbasedsolelyonmyownexperience,Iwouldhavetosaythatacovertnarcissistisn'tcapableofgenuine,selflesslove.Iwouldhavestatedthattheyseekoutadmiration,adorationandconstantlove,andtheyareincapableofofferingthesameback.

However,asIknownarcissismisn'tasblackandwhiteasthat,Ididsomeresearchonthis,andIdidfindsomepeoplewhowereabletogivemeamorefullyformedviewoftheanswertothiscomplexquestion.Iwilloffertheirstoriesandexperienceslateronthischapter,buttobeginwithIwillrelaymyownexperiencesthathelpedshapemyopiniononthistopic.

Anarcissistcanbehaveinwaysthatmakesitseemliketheyloveyou.Anarcissistcanofferwordsandgesturesoflove,andIdothinkthatnarcissistcanactuallythinkitslove.However,abetterwordforthiswouldbeentanglement.Ifyou’reinarelationshipwithanarcissistIdon'tbelieveyou’reunconditionallyloved,butratherentangledintheirfacadeoflove.

Inthisunusualrelationship,itcanbehardtoidentifywhat'shappeningtoyou.Iusethewordentanglementpurposefully,asthecovertnarcissistviewsyouasanextensionofthemselves.You’resnaredbythenarcissistandentangledinthecomplexrelationship.Whilstmostpeopleenterarelationshipandcanretaintheirindividuality,thecovertnarcissistisalmostunawarethatyouexistasyour

theirindividuality,thecovertnarcissistisalmostunawarethatyouexistasyourownentity.Ahealthyrelationshipseestwoseparateindividualsmergetoconnect,whilststillretainingtheirindividuality.Opinions,beliefs,desires,needsandwantsarealltakenintoconsiderationequallybybothpartiesinahealthyrelationship.That’swhatloveis.

Unfortunately,thisisakeyingredientmissingfromarelationshipwithacovertnarcissist.

WhenIbegansearchingforotherpeople'sviewsandexperiencesonthistopic,Iwasluckyenoughtomeetanumberofindividualsonlinewhohadbeenthrough,orweregoingthrough,anabusiverelationship.Theywerehappytohearmyviewonthisquestion,andIwasthankfultoheartheirdifferingopiniononthissubjecttoo.Whilstwemaynotagreeontheanswertothisquestion,weallagreedthatitwasaverycomplexquestionthathadanumberofvariablesthatwouldn'tallowforoneclear-cutansweranyway.

I’vechangedthenamesofthepeoplewhowerekindenoughtooffertheiropiniononthisquestion.

ImetCarolineinanarcissismFacebookgroup.Carolinebelievesthatacovertnarcissistisverymuchcapableoflove.HereisherreplywhenIaskedherthisverycomplexquestion:

Ofcourse,acovertnarcissistcanfallinlove.Peopletendtomakeassumptionsandformincorrectopinionsaboutcovertnarcissists,justbecausethey'veneverhadtheopportunity(orthoughtabouttrying)toseetheworldthroughtheireyes.I'minarelationshipwithanarcissistandI'mconfidentthatIamloved.It’sadifferentkindoflovethanyouseeinthemovies,andit'sadifferentkindoflovethatmostpeopleprobablyreceive.

Ifyouthinkanarcissistcan'tlovethenyou'reassumingthattheycan'tgive,whichIcantellyouisn'ttrue.

Ibelievenarcissistsarecapableoflovingyoubecausetheyarecapableoflovingthemselves,thereforetheyarecapableoflove.Idobelievetheyfallinlovewhentheybelievetheyhavefounda‘catch’:someonewhoisdeservingenoughtobeinarelationshipwiththem.Theydohaveverybigegos,sotheywantsomeonevaluableenoughtocomplimentthat.

Iunderstandit'sprobablymoredifficultformetokeepmypartnerinterested;IdoneedtoensurethatImaintainmylevelsofself-care,socialstatusandjobin

doneedtoensurethatImaintainmylevelsofself-care,socialstatusandjobinorderforhimtoremainsatisfied,butthisdoesn'tmeanhelovesmeanyless,ordoesn'tlovemeatall.It'ssimplyanotherkindoflove.BecauseI'mawareofhisnarcissism,Iaminalessvulnerableposition,andtherearethingsIcandoinordertoensuremyneedsarealsogettingthatmyneedsarealsogettingmet.

WhilstCarolineandIagreetodisagreeonherthoughtsaboutanarcissistbeingabletolove,shedidmakeapointthatresonatedwithme:thattheycanlovethemselves,sowhynotanyoneelse?Whilsttheirself-loveisbornfrominsecurityandafearofbeingunmaskedasafraud,it’sstillaformoflove,albeitanunhealthyone.

Whenresearchingthisquestion,IwasadamantIwantedtogetasmanyviewpointsonitasIcould,tohelpmeformasbestananswerasIcould.Isoughtoutthehelpfromforums,Facebookgroups,andevenconnectedtopeopleviatheirwebsites.Manywerehappytodiscussthistopicwithme,including,tomysurprise,aself-confessedcovertnarcissist.MarkreachedoutviaFacebookonceheheardIwasseekingsomestories,opinionsandideasaboutthissubject,andwashappytoofferhisowntakeonthis.

Here’shisreplytothequestion:

Iabsolutelythinkthatnarcissistscanfallinlove.Ifellinlovewiththemotherofmychildrenoveradecadeago.

ItjustsohappensthatIalsofellinloveweirdabouthalfadozenotherwomenduringthecourseofourtwelve-yearrelationship.Myphilanderingbehavior,ofcourse,hurtmanypeople,notleastmyex.However,thataside,Icanattesttothefactthatanarcissistcanfallinlove.Abittooreadilyinmycase,butstill.

Forthosewhoarewillingtojudgemeformydiscretionsandblamemynarcissismformybehavior,I'dliketopointoutthatmeandthemotherofmychildrenarenowgreatfriends.AndIcanhonestlysaythatIstillloveher,althoughit'sadifferentkindoflovethesedays.Ialsostillloveacoupleofmyexes.It'snotalovethatgrowsmoreeveryday,butratheraretrospectiveloveofthepeopleIwaswithatthetime.Itdoesn’tbothermethatthesewomenhavemovedonwiththeirlives.IcanhonestlysayeachandeveryrelationshipIhad,althoughIdidn'talwaystreatthemthewayIshouldhave,wasmeaningfultome.

Mark,nowinhis40’swithtwoteenagechildren,seemslikehehasagrasponhisnarcissisticbehavior,andunderstandsandacceptsthepainhe’scaused.However,hisreplywasn’tenoughtoconvincemethatacovertnarcissistcanfallinlove.

inlove.

Thereweremorepeoplewhosharedmyopinionthatanarcissistcan’tgenuinelylovetheirspouse(atleastuntilallnarcissisticbehaviorhasbeenaddressedandrelinquished,withthehelpoftherapy),thanthosewhothoughtthattheyarecapableoflove.

Kerry,whogotintouchviasocialmedia,hadsomestrongopinionswhenitcametoanarcissistabilitytolove.Shewasinanabusive,narcissisticrelationshipforsixyears,andaftergoingno-contact*lastyear,she’srebuildingherconfidenceandself-esteem.Here’swhatshethinks:

No,anarcissistcannotloveatallinthewaytrueloveshouldbe.Trueloveisnotdevaluing,abusive,objectifying,manipulative,selfishorfullofpassiveaggressiveness.It'snotdehumanizing,withtheintenttohurtorharmyourpartner.Anarcissistcanonlyoffershallowandcruellovethatisconditional-soifyoudon’tmeetthoseconditions,it’sgone.Ican'tbelievethisisevenaquestion.

Anarcissist,despiteanyfakeaffectionandemptywords,isincapableofthegenuinebondthat'srequiredwhenfallinginlove.Anarcissistandlovearemilesapartfromeachother,andIamfindingitdifficulttocomprehendwhytheyarebeingusedinthesamesentence.

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*NOCONTACTDEFINITION:Thismeansexactlywhatitsays.Cuttingoffallcommunicationwithyourabusiveex.Itcanbelikenedtogettingridofanaddictiontoadrug.Nocontactmeansnotextmessaging,nocalls,nogoingover,noemails,ordoinganythingelsethatmeansgettingintouchwiththemorrespondingtotheirpleasorattemptsatcontact.

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IALSOSPOKETOEVE,whowasfirmlyoftheopinionthatnarcissistwillneverhavethecapabilitiestolovecompletely.Sheisnowinahealthylongtermrelationshipandhasayoungchild,butstillhasissueswiththewayher

narcissisticextreatedher,andassuchhassometrustissuesthatshe’sworkingon.Here’shertakeonthisquestion:

Absolutelynot.Anarcissistcanlovesomeonesomewhat,butthatsoondisappearsoncethenoveltywearsoff.Insteadofbreakingitoffwiththeirsufferingpartner,theychoosetobeunfaithful.Theywon'tleavetheirvictimuntiltheyfindsomeonemoresuitableor‘better’whowillbelievetheirliesandmanipulation.

Covertnarcissists,fromwhatI’vefound,tendtohavequiteshortrelationshipsbutalonglistofinfidelities.

IalsoreceivedamessagefromPaula,whohashadatoughtimewithhernarcissisticboyfriend,andshe’shopingtherapyandhersupportwillhelphimfindtheabilitytogenuinelyofferlove:

I’llgivealittlebackstorytomysituation:Ihaveknownmynarcissisticboyfriendfor16years.We'vebeenonandoffagainthroughoutthistime,startingoutasfriendsinitially,thenmovingontoa‘nostrings’typeofrelationship.Soonafterthatheintroducedmetodrugs.ThisensuredthatIlosteverything:friends,familyandmyjob,allinthespaceoftenmonths.

WhilstIwasatrockbottom,mynarcissisticboyfriendleftmeoutoftheblue.Ihadnochoicebuttopickupthepieces,ashardasitwastodo,andItriedtorebuildmylifewithouthim.Ididmanagetosomehowclawmywaybackupandkickthehabitsheintroducedmeto,buthissuddenleavingdidleavemequiteemotionallyscarred.

Aboutayearandahalflater,hesuddenlyreappearedintomylifeandIcouldn'thelpbutgetclosetohimonceagain.Ofcourse,therewasaverylittletrustonmypart,butIcouldn'thelpmyselfgettinginvolvedagain.Hehadgirlsleft,rightandcenter,andalthoughitwasbreakingmeknowingthis,Icouldn'tbeartobewithouthimagain.Thestrawthatbrokethecamel'sbackwaswhenmyfatherpassedawaythreeyearsago.Icouldn’tdealwiththataswellasmyboyfriend’shorribletreatmentofme.Icompletelybrokedown.

Icollapsedemotionally,physicallyandmentally.Itwasonlywhenmyboyfriendseenmeinmypitiful,lowebb,thathecouldrecognizeexactlyhowhisbehaviorhadaffectedme.Hiswordswere‘amIthathorribleofaperson?’

Thedarkesttimeofmylifealsoturnedintothemostlife-changingtimeofmylife.Myboyfriendfinallyseenhowhisnarcissisticbehaviorhadaffectedmeand

life.Myboyfriendfinallyseenhowhisnarcissisticbehaviorhadaffectedmeanditsparkedchangeinhim.Although,ofcourse,isstilldisplaysnarcissistictendencies,justthefactthatheisnowawarehowthisaffectsmeisastepintherightdirection.

Heagreedtogototherapywithme,wherehewasalsodiagnosedwithpartialnarcissism,andourtherapysessionsreallydoseemtobehavingapositiveimpactonmyboyfriend.I'lladmitthereisnocurefornarcissism,anditisadailystruggle,butthesetherapysessionsandmyboyfriend'sacknowledgementofhisillnesshavegonealongwayinshowingmethatanarcissistcanlove.Soyes,Idothinktheycanlove.

Asyoucansee,differentpeoplehavedifferentanswersdependingontheirexperiences.However,whenIdidaskthisquestioninitially,theanswerwasaresounding‘no’.Iwantedtodigalittledeeperandfindoutthereasonwhymostofusbelieveanarcissistcan'tlove.Whilststudyingtheanswertothisquestion,Ifoundsomeresearchpapersdedicatedtothistopic.I'llcondensethefindingsofthesepapersbelow:

Thefindingsagreedthatnarcissistsshowpassionintheveryearlyofbeginningstagesofdating.However,thispassionisalwaysdirectedtowardstheirownexpectationsandfantasiesinregardtotherelationship.Thelove,therefore,isnotofanotherperson,butdirectedtowardsthenarcissistthemselves.

Arelationshipwithanarcissistprovidesthemwiththepositiveattention,sexualsatisfactionandtheboosttotheirself-esteemandegothattheyneed.Inshort,anarcissistviewsandtreatsarelationshipastransactional.

Thefindingsalsonotedthatnarcissistlosesinterestintheirpartnerastheexpectationofintimacyincreasesfromtheirspouse.Whilstinahealthyrelationship,anincreasedexpectationofintimacyisthenormastherelationshipprogresses,thisissomethingthatcausesthenarcissisttobecomeuninterested.Manynarcissistshaveissueswhensustainingarelationshipmorethansixmonthstoacoupleofyears.Theirpriorityisn'tintimacy,butratherpower,andaneedtodisguiseanyvulnerabilityontheirpart.Thistiesinwiththeirneedtobesuperiortoothers,includingthepersonthey’reinarelationshipwith.

Inorderforanarcissisttogettheirneedsmet,theyliketokeeptheiroptionsopen,whichcanseethemdatingmultiplepeopleatonceorcheatingontheircurrentspouse.Quiteoften,thiscanleadtoaverysuddenandunexpectedbreakup,whichleavesthevictimofthenarcissistbewilderedbytheirsuddenchangeoffeelings.Anarcissistcanquiteeasilyprofesstheirloveonedayandexitfrom

offeelings.Anarcissistcanquiteeasilyprofesstheirloveonedayandexitfromtherelationshipthenext.Ofcourse,thevictimthenfeelshighlybetrayed,confused,discardedandcrushedbytheirnarcissisticpartnersbehavior.

Narcissistscanbequitepragmaticintheirapproachtorelationships.Theyseerelationshipsasawayofachievinggoals.Whilsttheymayalsodevelopsomepositivefeelingsfortheirspouse,thisismoreonafriendshiporsharedinterests’basis.Astherelationshipgoeson,thenarcissistdoesn'thavetheneedormotivationtomaintaintheirfacade,andtheyutilizetheirdefensesinordertopreventtheirpartnergettinganycloser.Thiswillseethenarcissistdisplayingangry,criticalandcoldbehavior,especiallyiftheirpartnerchallengesthemormakesanyrequestsforthemtochangetheirbehavior.

Afteranarcissisthasdevaluedtheirpartner,thistriggerstheneedforthemtogoandlookelsewhereinorderforthemtopropuptheegotisticalneeds.Theyneedsomemorenarcissisticsupply*andwillnowlookelsewheretogetit.

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*NARCISSISTICSUPPLYDEFINITION:Narcissisticsupplyisawaytodescribeatypeofadmiration,interpersonalsupportorsustenancedrawnbyanindividualfromtheirenvironmentandessentialtotheirself-esteem.

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LOVEREQUIRESCOMPASSION,acceptance,respect,attentionandsupport,andagenuinecaringforthepersonwearewith.Italsorequiresustoreallywanttounderstandourspouse,andthisissomethingthatnarcissistsaren'treallymotivatedtodo.Peoplewhoareinlovewithanarcissistastarvedofmanyofthebasicexpressionsoflove.

Intheaforementionedresearchpaper,itendedwithastatementthatsuggestedthequestion‘cananarcissistlove’isawrongquestiontobeasking.Thepapersuggestedthatinsteadofaskingyourselfthisquestion,whichisdetrimentaltothenarcissist,askyourselfwhetheryoufeelcaredfor,valuedandrespected,andevaluatehowyourneedsarebeingmet.Inanutshell,thispapersuggestedthatyoulookathowtherelationshipisaffectingyouandyouresteemandfocusonthisprobleminstead.

Thisquestionisopenended,andit’ssomethingthatweallofferavariedordifferentanswerfor,basedonourownexperience.ThereisonethingIdidagreewith,however,anditwasthesummaryoftheresearchpaper:tofocusonyourselfandyourneeds,asthisissomethingthatiswellwithinyourcontrol.

ConfusingConversationswithaCovertNarcissist

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WEBOTHKNOWTHATBEINGinarelationshipwithacovertnarcissistmeansthatweencounterquitealotofmanipulativecommunicationfromthem.Itcanbequitedifficulttocommunicatewithacovertnarcissist,becausemuchofthetimewefindourselvestryingtofigureouthowtoeffectivelyconversewiththem,aswellastryingtodeciphertheirtrueintentions,whichcandifferfromwhattheyactuallytellingus.

You'reprobablyalltooawareofthepainstakinglengthswehavetogotototryandgetourpartnertounderstandwherewe’recomingfrom.Often,it'sjustsodifficulttogetthemtounderstandthatwhatthey'resaying,orsometimeswhatthey'renotsaying,canbeextremelyhurtful.Conversationswithacovertnarcissistcanoftenseemquiteone-sided,andthislackofbalanceintherelationshipcanbefrustratingtosaytheleast.

InthischapterI'mgoingtogiveyousome(probablyveryfamiliar)covertnarcissist‘speak’,andhelpyouunderstandwhattheirtrueintentionsarebehindthisnarcissisticwayofcommunicating.Thenarcissistic‘speak’I'mgoingtodiscussisdesignedtostripyouofyoursanity,confuseyouandgetyoutoquestionyourownrecollectionofevents.AlotofthecommunicationI'mgoingtooutlinebelowcanhappenwhenyoudaretoconfrontthenarcissistabouttheirbehavior;theexamplesinthischapteristhecovertnarcissistswayofgaslighting,althoughit'sworthrememberingthatthenarcissistcanutilizethisformofmanipulationatanygiventime.

Repetition:Conversationswithacovertnarcissistareoftenveryrepetitive,andrarelydotheyendinanykindofsolutionorresolve.

Whenacovertnarcissistisconfrontedabouttheirbehavior,it'softenfoundthattheywillbecomedefensive,utilizingthisrepetitivecommunicationinordertobringupotherunrelatedtopics.Thisisintendedtoeventuallyexhaustyouintodroppingtheconversationaltogether.Thisdefensemechanismofrepetitionisalsoputinplacetomakeyouquestionyourselfforevenbringingupthetopic;

alsoputinplacetomakeyouquestionyourselfforevenbringingupthetopic;thenarcissistwillmakeyoufeellikeyouarebeingdifficultandhaveahardtimeoflettingthingsdrop.

Thiscirculartypeofconversationcanalsobeseenwhenthecovertnarcissistinstigatesaconversation.Theseconversationswilloftenbeaboutthesametopic,oftenaddressinsomethingyoumayhavedonetoupsetthem,evenifitwasyearsago.Aswithalotofcovertnarcissisticbehavior,it'soneruleforthenarcissistandacompletelydifferentruleforyou.

Patronization:Acovertnarcissistfrequentlyusesapatronizingandcondescendingtonetoevokeaintensereactionfromyou.Whilstyoubecomeflusteredandupset,oftentimesthecovertnarcissistwillremaincalm,collectedandentirelycool.Ofcourse,thislackofemotionalresponsefromthenarcissistwillalsofrustrateandenrageyou,asit’sdesignedtodo.Thelackofemotionalresponsefromthemwillleaveyoufeelinglikeyou’rebeingirrational,andyouwillfeelinsultedbytheirlackoffeelingsinthissituation.

Thispatronizingtoneusedbythecovertnarcissistcanbeusedtodiscardyou,youremotionsandyourthoughts.Thispatronizing,crazy-making*tonethatyou'reonthereceivingendofcanoftenserveasagoodplaceforthenarcissisttostarttheirsmearcampaign**againstyou.

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*CRAZY-MAKINGDEFINITION:Beingpurposefullycontradictory,manipulative,untruthfulandblamefulenoughtomakesomeonedoubttheirownsanity.

**SMEARCAMPAIGNDEFINITION:Asmearcampaign,alsosometimesreferredtoasa‘smeartactic’orjusta‘smear’,isaneffortoraplantodamageorcallintoquestionsomeone'sreputation.Theindividualcarryingoutthesmearcampaigndoesthisbytoutingnegativestories,ideasandtheoriesabouttheirvictimtoothers.

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ASMEARCAMPAIGN,DESIGNEDandputintoactionbythenarcissist,oftenentailsthenarcissistinformingvariousotherpeopleoutsideoftherelationshipaboutyourcrazybehavior,anduncontrollabletemper.Thenarcissistcanoftenmakeyoubelievethatthisisthecasetoo,astheirpatronizingandcondescendingtonewilloftenevokeahighlyemotionalresponse,thusprovingtheiraccusationsare‘true’.

Projection:Ifthere'sonethingthatanarcissistishighlyadeptat,it'sprojection.Theywilloftenaccuseyouofdoingthingsthattheythemselvesaredoing.Thisusuallyhappensduringaconfrontation,andtodeflectthenarcissistwillusuallyprojecttheirbehaviorontoyou.

Whatmakesitallthemorefrustratingisthefactthatbeingonthereceivingendofthis,weknowthatwearen’tguiltyofthebehaviorwearebeingaccusedof.Thiscrazy-makingtacticfromthenarcissistisfilledwithhypocrisythatthenarcseemsobliviousto.Thisfrustratingironywillinvariablycausethevictimtorespondwiththeemotional,agitatedreactionthatthenarcissistseeks(whichisagain,somegoodcannonfodderforthenarctouseagainstyou).

Maskswitching:Acovertnarcissist,likemostnarcissists,haveanumberofmasksthattheyutilizedependingonanygivensituation.Ifthenarcfeelsthattheyarelosingpowerorcontrol,theymayfeeltheneedtoswitchmasksinordertoregaintheupperhandinthesituation.

Asthevictim,youmayseevariousmasks,suchasthegoodguy(theonewhowillmakepromisesofabrighterfuture,andexpresstheirloveforyou),thebadguy(theonewhodishesoutblametowardsyouanddevaluesyou)andachildlikemask.Thechildlikemaskwillseethenarcactliketheydidn'tknowwhattheyweredoing,liketheydidn'tfullyunderstandtheconsequencesoftheiractions,andtheirfacialexpressionwillalsoattempttorecreatethatofachildlikeone.

Ifanarcissistfeelsliketheyhavelostcontrol,theywillscramblethroughtheircollectionofmasksandweartheonethatfitsbestinaccordancetothatparticularsituation.Thisfranticattemptofclawingbackcontrolcanoftenleaveyoufeelingscared,andlikeyoureallydon'tknowthepersoninfrontofyouatall.Thesadtruthis,really,youdon’tknowwhotherealpersonisbehindthemasks.

Howcouldyou?Whichoneisreal?Areanyofthemreal?

Playingthevictim:Thecovertnarcissistisaneternalvictim.Theirbehavior,theirliesandtheircheatingways,whenconfrontedabout,tendtoalwaysbearesultofsomethingtraumaticthathashappenedintheirlife.

Forexample,astrugglewithaddiction,anabusivechildhood,apsychoticex,pressuresatworkandparentalstressesareallcommonthemesthatisnarcusestogarnersympathy.

AsI'vementionedpreviously,thecovertnarcissistwillseekoutahighlyempatheticpartner,andassuchwillusethistotheiradvantage.Thevictimwillundoubtedlyfeelbadforthenarcissist,evenwhenthey'vedonesomethinghorriblywrongorunforgivable,becausetheyfeelcompassiontowardsthemduetotheirtraumaticexperiences.Thisisidealforthenarcissist,especiallywhenthevictimfeelsthattheyare‘gettingsomewhere’withthenarc,andthattheconversationsthey'vehadinregardtothenarcissist’spastistherapeuticfortheabuser.

Needlesstosay,thisfalsesenseofbondingwiththenarcissistisjustthat:fabricated.Nomatterhowintenseaconversationwithacovertnarcis,includingtalkingaboutprevioustraumaandabuse,andnomatterhowhonesttheabuserappears,thisisjustanotherformofmanipulation.

Duetothevictimusuallyhavingaveryempatheticnature,theywilloftenthinkthatanarcissistopeninguptothemistherelationshipgettingrealandmovingontoadeeperlevel.This‘victimization’waytomanipulateisironic,asinrealityit'sthosearoundthenarcissistthatarethevictims.

Needingbasicthingsexplainingtothem:Beinginarelationshipwithacovertnarcissistmeansthatyoumayfindyourselfquitefrequentlyexplainingbasichumanbehaviorsandemotions.

Forexample,withmynarcissisticex,Iwassurprisedtofindmyselfhavingtoexplainwhatitmeanttobenicetosomeone.Whenhewasgettingtoveryclosewithacolleague,andIfoundoutaboutthis,Ihadtoexplainwhatflirtingwasandhowhurtfulthiswasforanotherperson.Ialsohadtoexplainwhatconstitutesas‘cheating’.However,ironically,sixmonthspriortothis,myexstoppedspeakingtomefor4daysafterheaccusedmeofflirtingwithoneofhisfriends.Atthetime,itdidn'toccurtomethatofcourseheknowshowhurtfulflirtingis,becausehe'daccusedmeofthesamethingsixmonthsprior-Isimplysathimdownandexplainedtohimthedefinitionandconsequencesofflirting.

Oftenthecovertnarcexpectsyoutojustexplainthisbehaviortothemandthat’ll

Oftenthecovertnarcexpectsyoutojustexplainthisbehaviortothemandthat’llpreventitfromhappeningagain.Asyou'reprobablyaware,thisbehaviordoesn'tjustsimplystopbecauseyou'veexplainedittothem.Youverylikelyhavecontinuedtoseethesamebehaviorandissuesoverandover,regardlessofhowmanytimesyou'veexplainedhowthismakesyoufeel.

Yetanotherironicfactortothisisthattherepetitionofhavingtoexplainyourselfgetsyoufrustratedandemotional.Thisthenevokesflusteredandhot-headedreactions,whichoffersthecovertnarcissistsomemoreammunitionforasmearcampaign.

Fullofexcuses:Becauseacovertnarcissistisneveraccountablefortheirbehavior,theyuseexcusesasawaytoexplaintheiractions.Theseexcusesthemselvesareenoughtodriveyouinsane,butthefactthattheirwordsrarelymatchtheirbehaviorsisenoughtoenrageyou.

Whatcanalsoantagonizeyouisthatthenarcwilloftengiveyoudifferentversionsofanexcuse,orafewdifferentaccountsofwhathappened.Thiscangountilyoueitheracceptoneoftheversions,oryoubecomesoemotionallyexhaustedthatyoustopdigging.

Mynarcissisticexwouldoftenstayoutuntiltheearlyhours,notreturninghomeuntil5a.m.afteradrinkingbinge.Duringthesetimes,Iwouldneverknowwherehewas,whohewaswithorwhathewasdoing.Hewouldrarelyreplytomytextsorcalls,andanycommunicationIgotfromhimwouldbefullofexcuses.Ifhedidn'treplytomeallnighthewouldtellmehisphonebatteryhaddied,eventhoughIknewfullwellithadn'tbecausewhenIwascallingthephonewasringing.WhenIaskedhimwherehewas,hewouldtellmehewasathisfriendJake’shouse,althoughIknewthatwasaliebecauseJakeworknightsandhewasatworkthatevening.Whenconfrontedwiththisundeniablefact,myexwouldthenmakeanexcuseaboutbeingsodrunkhecan'trememberwherewewentafterthat.WhenIwouldthenprobewhyhedranksomuchhecouldn'tremember,hewouldtellmehewassostressedouthewasdrinkingtodealwiththepressure.

Asyoucansee,thisconversationwithmyexturnedfromsomethinghehaddonetoupsetme,tosomethingIshouldbefeelingpitytowardshimfor.Whenhisexcuses,towhichthereweremany,weren'tdupingme,hewouldresorttovictimizationtactics.

Myexwasalsoaserialphilanderer.Whenhewouldgetcaughtcheating,thesituationwouldoftengolikethis:

situationwouldoftengolikethis:

Iwouldfindoutabouthisinfidelity,andhewouldimmediatelydenythis.However,whenmoreevidencewouldthensurface,hewouldadmittothebareminimumbyconfessingthatithappened-butonlyonce.Hischeatingwouldthenbeblamedonme,ashewouldaccusemeofnotgivinghimasmuchattentionasheneededandnotbeingathomeasmuchasIshould.

MoreinformationabouthisindiscretionwouldcomeoutandIwouldfindoutaboutit.Hewouldthenusuallyblametheotherwoman,sayinghewasverydrunkandthatshecameontohim.Yetmoreincriminatinginformationwouldsurface,andhisexcuseswouldkeepshiftingandchanging.

Conversationsgoingnowhere:Thesearethemostdrainingtypesofinteractionswithacovertnarc.Afterthistypeofinteraction,youoftenquestiontoyourself‘whatwasthepointinthatconversation?’,andyou'llrealizeyou'vejustspentthelastfewhoursinasenselessconversationthatachievednothing.

Thesedrainingconversationswillalsooftenmeanthatyouspendthenextfewhours,orevendays,goingoverwhatwassaid,inafutileattempttountanglesomemeaningfromit.Theseconversationsareusuallyclutteredwithunrelatedpointsandtopics,meaningit'shardtoarticulatewhatexactlythenarcwastryingtoachievefromtheinteraction.

Inanutshell,it'sverycommontohavelengthyconversationswithacovertnarcwithoutitgoinganywhereatall.

Denialofbadbehavior:Withnothingeverbeingtheirfault,thenarcissistwilldenytheirpoorbehaviorandinsteadfocusonyours.

Iftheirbehaviorisinquestion,theywilltrytomakethisinvalidbybringingupyourbehaviororanyissuestheyhavewithyou.Theseissuesthatthecovertnarchasdon'tevenneedtoberealproblems,andtheyareoftensomethingthatthenarcissisthasimaginedormadeuptouseagainstyou.

Forexample,youmayhavemadearequesttoyourpartnerthatyou'dliketostopthemcontactingtheirexfiancé.Thismaythenevokearesponsethatdeniesanywrongdoingontheirpart,whilstthenblamingyoufordoingsomethingsimilarorworse.Whenconfrontedaboutcuttingtieswiththeirex,thenarcissistmayrespondwithsomethingalongthelinesof‘youstilltalktoyourex-husband,sowhat'stheproblem?’

Evenifyouthenreassureyourpartnerthatyouhavetospeaktoyourex-husband

Evenifyouthenreassureyourpartnerthatyouhavetospeaktoyourex-husbandbecauseyoucoparentyourchildrenwithhim,andit'sonlyonthatbasis,youmaybemetwithanaccusatoryresponsefromthenarcissist.Itcouldgoalongthelinesof‘howcanItrustyou?HowcanIbesosure?ForallIknowyou'recheatingonmewithhim.’

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THEEXAMPLESOUTLINEDabovemaybesomethingthat'sveryfamiliartoyou,andIhopeitwentsomewayinhelpingyoudecipherthenarcissiststrueintentionsfromtheconversation.Iunderstandjusthowfrustratingandangeringitcanbetodealwithacovertnarcissist,buttherearewaysthatyoucantakebackcontroloftheconversationandstopthenarcissistdeadinhistracks.

Thiscantakesomeworkonyourpartbyactuallysettingtheseboundariesinplaceandrefusingtoletthenarccontroltheconversation.I’llcoverthatshortly,butnowI’llmoveontothenextchapter,whichdetailsthesideeffectsofbeingwithacovertnarcissist.

TheEffectsCovertNarcissismHasonYou

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NARCISSISTICABUSEisjustthat:abuse.Whenweendureanyformofabuse,weareundeniablyleftwithnegativeemotionaleffects,althoughoftenwedon'trecognizethatthesenegativethoughtsandbehaviorsareadirectresultoftheabusewewentthrough.

Inthischapter,I'llgothroughsomeofthecommonlyassociatedeffectsnarcissismhasonitsvictims.Youmaynotfindthatyouhavebeenleftwithalloftheseeffects,butassomeonewhohasenduredthetoxicityandabuseofanarcissist,I'msureyou'reresonatewithalotoftheseaftereffectsofabuse.

ThefirsteffectIwillmentionisthefeelingofdoubt.Thevictimofanarcissist,whethertheyarestillinanarcissisticrelationshiporhaveescapedit,willbeleftfeelingcopiousamountsofself-doubt.

Youmayfindthatyouconstantlyseekclarificationorassurancethatyouhaven'tmadeamistake,andthat,alotofthetime,you’reuncertainofyourself.Thisisaverycommoneffectofnarcissisticabuse,becausetheabuserconditionstheirvictimtocarrytheburdenofblameandarealwaysquicktopointfingersatthem,thuscausingtheeffectofself-doubt.

EvenafterI’descapedmynarcissisticrelationships,IstillfoundthatIwasfullofself-doubt.Iwasuncertainofmyselfandmyabilitytomaketherightchoices.Ialwaysfeltguiltandblameforthingsthatwereveryoftennotmyfaultoroutofmycontrol,andthereisnomistakethatmydoubtfulfeelingstowardsmyselfreallyheldmebackfromfindinganyenjoymentinlife.IwouldseekvalidationfromothersthatIwasdoingtherightthing,orthatmychoicesweretherightonestomake.Icameacrosstootherpeopleasbeingasveryuncertainofmyself,andthisreallyhinderedmyprogressatworkandwhenIwastryingtoforgerelationshipswithnewpeople.Itmademeappearneedyandunstable.

Thisnegativeaftereffectoftheabusewasbornfromthefactthat,duringtherelationship,IhadtoacceptresponsibilityforthethingsIdidn'tsayordo.ItwasalmostaborrowedhumiliationfromthenarcissistthatIstillcarriedwithmeaftertherelationshipended.

aftertherelationshipended.

Anotheraftereffectyoumaybeleftwithisdissociation.Victimstendtodetachordisassociatefromtheirsurroundings,emotionsandeventheirownbody.Thisisacopingmechanismtohelpsurvivetheoverwhelming,hurtfulandconfusingemotionalabusethattheyendure.

I'vedonequiteabitofresearchondisassociation,andIfoundthiswassomethingIdidquitewelltohelpmyselfcopewithmyabuser.Disassociationplaysapivotalpartintraumaticsituations.Becausemysituationwassoemotionallyoverwhelming,mybrainautomaticallynumbedmyemotionstohelpmeendurethetoxiccircumstances.Emotionalrepressionalmostbecomesawayoflifeinordertoescapefromthehorrificreality.Idoadmirethebrain'swayofutilizingcopingstrategiesandhowitcanalteryourrealitytoblockoutpain,althoughdissociation,ofcourse,isn'tideal.

Anothereffectofbeinginanarcissisticrelationshipisyouputyourownneeds,wantsanddesiresonthebackburner.Whilstyou'reinarelationshipwithanarcissist,itcanoftenfeellikeyou’resimplytherejusttofulfilltheirneedsandhelpthemwiththeirownagenda.Ifyouthinkbacktowhenyoufirstmetyournarcissisticpartner,itmayseemliketheydotedonyouandtheworldrevolvedaroundyou.Ofcourse,realitysoonhits,andyourealizethatyouwillnevertrulysatisfythemnomatterhowhardyoutry.

Inthemeantime,you'vehadtoforgetaboutyourownneedsandwantsforthemostpart,justtoensureyoupacifytheabuser.Youmayhavestoppedpartakinginhobbies,youmayhavesacrificedsomefriendships,oryoumayhaveforgottenaboutyourlifegoalsinyourmissiontosatisfythenarcissist.

Oneofthemoreunspokeneffectsofnarcissisticabuseisthedetrimentithastoyourphysicalhealth.Whilstnarcissisticabuseisassociatedwiththeemotionalandmentaltraumayouandendure,there'snodenyingtheimpactitcanhaveonyourphysicalhealthaswell.

ThechronicabuseIsufferedatthehandsofmyex-partnerensuredIlostasignificantamountofweight.Iwassoanxious,nervousandapprehensivethatIsimplydidn'twanttoeatanymore.Anyfoodthatpassedmylipsmademegag,andthethoughtofeatingmademeretch.TheanxietythatriddledmewasthereassoonasIwokeup,untilIwenttosleep.

IfIdidmanagetogettosleep,itwouldbeaverybrokensleep.I’dhavehorriblenightmares,driftinginandoutofterribledreams.Iwouldusuallywakeup

nightmares,driftinginandoutofterribledreams.Iwouldusuallywakeuparound4a.m.andbeunabletogetbacktosleep.Iwouldthembelyingawakethinkingaboutallofthenarcissisticthingsmyexhaddonetome,tryingtoworkoutwhatwassowrongwithme,andhowIcouldmakeitright.

Anothersideeffectofnarcissismisahugesenseofmistrust.Thisusuallycomesaftertherelationshiphasended,whereyouthenseeeverypersonasathreat.Becauseofyourexperiencewiththenarcissist,youbegintoworryabouttheintentionofotherpeople,evenonesyou'veknownforquitesometime.

Whereanormalpersonwouldbenaturallycautious,avictimofnarcissisticabusebecomeshyperdiligentwhenitcomestovettingpeople.Sinceyouweredupedbeforebysomebodywhoappearedtohaveyourbestinterestsatheart,younowhaveahardtimetrustinganyone.Sadly,alltoooften,youalsobegintohaveahardtimetrustingyourself.Youwerefooledbefore,what'stosaywon'tbefooledagain,evenwithyourhypervigilantmistrust?

Aswellastheanxietythatcomeswithbeinginanarcissisticrelationship,oftendepressionandasenseofhopelessnessaccompaniesthis.Unbearableandinescapablecircumstancesenvelopyou,andyoudon'tseeawayout.Thishelplessness,whichislearnedfromthewaythenarcissisttreatsyou,makesday-to-daylivingastruggle.Unfortunately,thiscanseesomeabusevictimsengageinself-harmasacopingmechanism.

Manynarcissisticabusersisolatetheirvictim.However,somevictimswillalsoisolatethemselves,duetofeelingembarrassedandashamedaboutwhatthey'regoingthrough.Fromexperience,Iunderstandthefearofvictimblaming,andtheblackandwhitemisconceptionsofmanypeoplewhodon'tunderstandabuseoritseffects.Ididn'twanttoputmyselfthroughthetraumaofbeinginvalidatedbythosewhohadnoideaofwhatIwasgoingthrough,soIisolatedmyself.

Icouldn'tbeartheideaoftraumatizingmyselfbyopeninguptosomebodyaboutmytoxicandabusiverelationship,onlyforthemtodismissitasbeingmyfault:myfaultforstaying,myfaultforenteringarelationshipwithsomebodylikethat,myfaultfornotmakingmypartnerhappyenoughtotreatmewithrespect...thelistofresponsesIwasfearfulofreceivingwentonandon.Thiscultivatedaneedformetoself-isolate.

Youmayfindthatthissoundsfamiliartoyou;isolatingyourselfsonobodyknowsthetrueextentofwhatyou'regoingthrough.Thefearofjudgementstoppingyoufromreachingoutforhelp.Iunderstandtheneedtowithdrawfromotherstoavoidthis,andself-isolationisanothersadsideeffectofnarcissistic

otherstoavoidthis,andself-isolationisanothersadsideeffectofnarcissisticabuse.

Victimsofcovertnarcissismtendtoadoptself-destructivethoughtsandbehaviors.Youmightfindthatyouruminateoverthethingsyourabuserhassaidordone,replayingtheirnegativewordstoyouoverandoverinyourhead.Thisthengeneratesapatternofnegativeself-talk,whichcanleadtoself-destructiveorself-sabotagingbehavior.Thecovertnarcissistprogramsanegativethoughtpatternintotheirvictim,leadingthemdownapathofunhealthyself-talkandself-perception.

Becauseofthecovertputdownsandhypercriticismtheyareexposedto,aswellasthenarcissistinstillingasenseofshameintothem,thevictimcanhaveatendencytopunishthemselves.Theycandothisbysabotagingtheirdreams,goals,aspirationsoracademicachievements.Thereasonforthisisbecausetheabuserhasensuredthevictimfeelssoworthlessthattheydon’tfeeltheydeserveanythinggood.

This,inturn,canleavevictimswillbetrepidanttodothethingstheylove,forfearofachievingsuccesswiththem.Covertnarcissistsarequiteoftenenviousoftheirvictims,andanythingthatmakesthemfeelinferiortotheirvictimwillresultinthembeingjealousandbitter.Thisnegativereactionfromtheabuserregardingtheirvictims’talents,interestsandhobbiesconditionsthevictimtoassociatethesethingswithresentfulandcruelbehaviourfromthenarcissist.

Thisbegrudgingconditioningmakesthevictimavoidanysuccesses,hobbiesoractivitiesthatmakesthemhappy,forfearthey'llbemetwithspitefulandcallusreactionsfromtheirabuser.Thiscanresultinthevictimbecominganxious,depressedandseverelylackinginconfidence.Thevictimmaynowtrytobeawallflower,avoidanykindofspotlightandavoidchasinganysuccessesforfearofreprisal.

Asasidenotehere,I’djustliketosay:ifthissoundslikesomethingyou'regoingthroughorhavebeenthrough,justrememberthattheabuseritisn'tresentfulandcriticalofyourgiftsorsuccessesbecausetheythinkyou'reincompetentorinferior-it’sbecausetheyfeelthreatenedbythem.Anythingthatthreatenstheircontrolandego,they'lltrytodestroy.

Anotherverysad,yetprevalent,effectofcovertnarcissismiswherethevictimprotectstheirabuser.Thevictimmayeventrytodenytheabusersbehaviorsomuchthattheyendupgaslightingthemselves.Thisminimizingandrationalizingoftheabusersbehavioractsasasurvivalmechanismforthevictim.Inorderto

oftheabusersbehavioractsasasurvivalmechanismforthevictim.Inordertoplaydowntheemotionaldissonancethatappearswhensomeonewho'ssupposedtoloveyoumistreatsyou,victimsofcovertnarcissismcanoftenconvincethemselvesthattheabuse‘isn'treallythatbad’,orthatthey‘musthavedonesomething’toprovoketheirmistreatment.

Iwouldliketostresstheimportanceinreducingthismentaldissonance.Agoodexampleofdoingthatisbyreadingthisbookrightnow;you'reactivelylookingintotheirbehaviorandseekingtounderstandhowtohandleit.Bydoingthisyou'reabletoreconcileyourrealityagainstthefalsitiesthatyourabuseristryingtoportray.thiscanhelpyouavoidself-gaslightingandkeepyourrealityincheck.

Thisneedtoimplementsurvivaltacticstoavoidfacingtheharshrealityofabusecanoftenbeoverwhelming.Thisisespeciallythecaseininstanceswherethevictimistraumabonded*totheirabuser.Thevictimwilleventrytoportrayahappyimagetotheoutsideworld,andwhenconfrontedbyothersabouttheirpartnerstoxicbehavior,they’lltakesoletheblamefortheabuse.

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*TRAUMABONDDEFINITION:Astrongemotionalattachmentbetweenanabusedpersonandtheirabuser,formedasaresultofthecycleofabuse.Althoughthevictimmaydisclosetheabusetoothers,thetraumabondmeansthatthevictimmaywishtoreceivecomfortfromtheverypersonwhoabusedthem.

O

SettingBoundariesandInteractingwithaCovertNarcissist

neofthekeythingsyouneedtodototakebackcontrolfromthenarcissististosetboundaries.Settingboundarieswithatoxicpersoncan

helpyouensurethatyoudeflectanydisrespectfulcommunicationandalsohelpyouavoidexploitativebehaviorfromthenarc.

Boundariesareessentiallyameasureofyourself-esteem.Theyareawayofsettinglimitsforthebehaviorsyou’rewillingtoaccept.Onceyousuccessfullyimplementboundaries(whichtakeseffortonyourparttoensureyouareconsistentwithyourboundarysetting),you’retakingbackcontrol.Youaredeterminingwhetherornotsomeoneelsecanmakeyoufeelputdownordevalued,andyoucanuseboundariestostopthenarcintheirtracksfromtakingadvantageofyourkindheartedness.

Atthemoment,it'slikelyyouhavesomeweakboundariesinplace.Weakboundariesopenyouuptobeingdisrespected,emotionallydamagedandmentallyhurt,andanarcissistcanspotweakboundariesamileoff,soit'sprobablethatthesefrailboundariesarebeingusedtothenarcsadvantage.

Replacingtheboundariesyoualreadyhavewithstronger,morerobustonesdoestakealittletimeandeffort.WhenIfirstsetaboutdoingthis,oneofthehardestthingsIfoundtodowastobeconsistentwithmyboundarysetting.It'sallwellandgoodtosay‘no’toanunreasonablerequestoneday,butthekeytosuccessfulboundarysettingistoensureyousay‘no’everytimeanunreasonabledemandcomesyourway.Ifoundthisdifficultbecausemynarcissisticexwasverygoodatwearingmedownemotionally,tothepointwhereIwouldjustgivein.Ican'tstresshowimportantitistomaintainconsistencywhenyou'redoingthis.

ThefirstthingIwouldrecommenddoingistotakesometimetoresetyourboundaries.Takesometimeasidetowritedownthespecificwords,phrases,actions(orlackofactions)andsituationsthatmakeyoufeelhurt,unhappyanddevalued.Whenyou'rewritingthesethingsdown,itcanalsobequitebeneficialtoconsiderwhatthenarcissistsmotivationbehindthesewordsareactionsare.Thiscangosomewayintohelpingmotivateyoutosticktotheboundariesyou'regoingtosetinplace.

goingtosetinplace.

Thislittleexercisewillalsohelpyouidentifytheweaknessesofyourcurrentboundaries.

ThefirstboundaryIwouldsuggestthinkaboutisknowingwheretodrawtheline.Whichbehaviorsareyouwillingtoaccept,whichonesaren'tyou?Forexample,myexwouldreferredtomewithoneparticularderogatorytermthatIhated,andwhenIwasthinkingaboutwhatIwasn'tgoingtotolerateanymore,thisparticularwordwasthefirstthingonmy(ratherlengthy)list.

Iunderstandit'sonethingtosayyou'renotgoingtoacceptaparticularbehavioranymore,butit'squiteanothertogoaheadandpreventthatfromhappening.Figuringoutwhereyou'regoingtodrawthelineistheeasypart,thehardpartisactuallydrawingtheline.

ToensureIwasrefusedtotoleratethathurtful,derogatoryword,Ihadmyownretorttothatinsult.Itwasstraighttothepoint,itclearlystatedmyboundaries,anditpreventedmynarcissisticexfromhavingcontrolovertheconversation.Itwasassimpleasthis:

‘Ifyoucontinuetocallmethatname,Iwillendthisconversationuntilyoucantalktomewithrespect’

Ididn'tgetssuckedintohisgoading,Ididn'treportwithanyname-callingandIdidn'tfeeltheneedtoexplainmyreasoning.Thisstripsthenarcissistofanyemotiontouseagainstme,aswellasthepowertheywanttohaveovertheconversation.Iunderstandthiscanfrustratethenarcissist,andthere'sachancethattheymaycontinuename-calling,arguingorabusivebehavior.Inthisinstance,IwouldrepeatwhatI'dsaidinthefirstplace,thistimeputtingintoactionwhatI'dwarnedmyexwouldhappen:

‘AsIsaid,ifyoucontinuedtocallmethatnameIwouldendtheconversation,sothat'swhatI'mdoing.’

AndthispointIwouldeitherleave,hangupthephone,orI'dgetmyselftoaplacewheremyexwasn't,dependingonthesituation.Iwouldn'tstandaroundorlingerforaresponse;IwouldensurethatIwascarryingoutmyboundarysettingnomatterhowdifficultitfelt.Nomattertheconsequenceshewouldthreaten.NomatterhowmuchIwantedtocavein.Ihadtobeconsistent.

Youmustremindyourselfthatyourboundariesarenotupfordiscussionordebatable.Keepinmindwhyyouaresettingtheseboundariesinthefirstplace:

debatable.Keepinmindwhyyouaresettingtheseboundariesinthefirstplace:tomakeyoufeellessoverwhelmed,calmerandmoreincontrol.You'redoingthisforyouremotionalhealth.

If,whilstyou'resettingboundaries,youfeeltheatmospherehasbecometoounhealthyortoxic,it'swisetohaveanexitplanupyoursleeve.Youhavetherighttoleaveatanytime;youdon'tneedpermission.However,Iunderstandthiscanbehardtoinitiate,especiallyifthenarcissistisbeingabusive,butthisshouldmakeitallthemorenecessaryforyoutoleave.

Yourexitplancanbeassimpleassayingyouneedtoleavetheroomtomakeacalloryou’relateforsomething-itdoesn'tmatter.Ifneedsbe,youmightwanttomessageafriendtoaskthemtocallyou,soyoucanremoveyourselffromthetoxicsituation.Ifthisisn'tpossible,youcanlookatyourphoneandsay,‘Ineedtoanswerthis’,whichwillalsoservetotakeyouawayfromtheunpleasantsituation.

Youdon'tneedtogiveanymoredetailthanthis;itdoesn'tmatterwho'scallingyou,whatyou’relatefororwhereelseyouneedtobe.Thisisofnoconcerntothenarcissist,sodon'tfeellikeyouhavetoofferupanyreasoningwiththenarc.Whereveryou'regoingorwhateveryou'relatefor,thedestinationisself-care,andthisissomethingthenarcissistwon'tcomprehend,sowhytrytoreasonwiththem?

Agreattactictoutilizewhensettingboundariesistouseoneofthenarcissistsgreatestassetsagainstthem:conversationmanipulation.It'snotascomplexasitsounds,noristhereanyunderlyingmaliceasthereiswithanarcissistdoingthis.thisissimplysteeringanuncomfortableorunpleasantconversationintoadifferentdirection.Thedirectionyou'llbesteeringthisisthenarcissistsgreatesttopic:themselves.

Forexample,shouldyoubeaskedaquestionthatleavesyoufeelinguncomfortable,you'renotrequiredtostayontopic.Althoughyoumayfeelbackedintoacorner,youcanbeincontrolofhowyouretorttoanynarcissisticjibing.Forinstance,ifthenarcissistquestionswhatyou'redoingwithyourmoney,youdon'tneedtodirectlyanswerthatquestion.Chancesareitwillonlyleadtoyoubeingmadetofeelinadequateorstupidbythenarcissist.Instead,shifttheconversationintoanotherdirection,preferablysomethingthatbumpsupthenarc’sego.Perhapsaskthemwhattheirsecrettricksareforbeingsogoodwithmoneyorhowtheymanagetosavesomuchmoneywhilstmakingitlookeasy.

easy.

Iknowfromtheoutsidelookinginitseemslikethis‘conversationmanipulation’onlyservesthenarcissist,andfluffstheirego,butit'satechniquetoensurethefocusistakenoffyouandplacedontothenarcissist.

Tofurtheraddtothis,it'simportanttonotethatyoudon'tdeservetobeinterrogated.It'sasadtruththatthelessyousharewithanarcissist,thelessinformationor‘ammunition’theyhavetouseagainstyou.Whenyou’rebeingcriticized,oryouractionsarebeingquestioned,don'tfeeltheneedtoexplainorjustifyyourself.Keepyourrepliesshortandtothepoint.

Forexample,ifthenarcissistiscondemningyou,forwhateverreason,insteadofgettingflustered,agitatedandwantingtoretortwithyourjustifications,understandthatyou’resimplytakingtheirbait.Instead,youcouldsaysomethinglike,‘thankyouforyouropinion,I'llcertainlykeepthatinmind’.Iftheyarecritiquingyourchoicesordecisions,insteadoftryingtogetthemtounderstandyourreasoning,simplysaysomethinglike‘I'mquiteconfidentaboutthatidea’.Youcanstillthankthemfortheirconcernandinput,butthisshortandtothepointreplystripsthenarcissistofanypowerovertheconversation.

Rememberthatyoudon'tdeservetobeinterrogated.

Anothergreatwaytosetboundariesistocalloutthenarcissisticbehaviorthatisbeingexhibited.It'snotwisetooutrightname-callandaccuseyourabuserofbeinganarcissistorevil(evenifthisisthetruth),asthiswilljustcauseanunpleasantatmosphere.Ontopofthat,itwilllikelygivethenarcissistsomeammunitiontouseagainstyou;theymaysayyou’remean,nasty,hurtfulorabully.Thiscanthenbeusedagainstyouinasmearcampaign,ortostartanargumentatalaterdate.Don'tstooptothenarcissistslevel.Youcanbematteroffact,straighttothepointandhonestwithoutbeingaggressiveoraccusatory.

Asyou'reprobablyalltooawarenarcissistsdotendtopushthelimitsofrelationships.Theyliketotesttoseewhattheycangetawaywithandgothatonestepfurthertomakesuretheyfeeloneuponyouorothersaroundthem.Whenyoustraightupcalloutthebehaviorofanarcissist,inanon-confrontationalway,theaimistodefusetheirlimitpushing.

Forexample,ifthenarcissistsayssomethingnegativeaboutyouordepreciatesanideayoumayhave,insteadofbiting,youcansaysomethinglike:‘thatcommentsoundedlikeyouwereputtingmedown’,or‘thatcommentwasquitehurtful.Didyoumeantoputmedown?’

Tailoryourreplytomatchtheinteraction.Myex-partnerusedtofrequentlyinterruptmewhenIwastalking.IfIwastalkingaboutsomethingthatwashappeningatwork,anewprojectIwantedtostartoranythingthatmayseemepotentiallyimprovingmylife,hewouldinterruptandtalkabouthimself.OneofthefirstboundariesIsetwastocalloutthisbehavior.

Iwouldsaytohim‘IseethateverytimeIbegintotalkaboutmyself,youinterruptandreverttheconversationbacktoyou’,andmystraight-to-thepointtruthfulnesswoulddiffusehisattemptstodrawtheconversationbacktohim.Mytruthfulnesswouldalmoststartlehim,asifthethoughtIwouldn’tpickuponthefacthewasalwaysrevertingpositiveconversationsaboutmebacktowardshimself.

Don'tfeeltheneedtoofferupanythingelseafteryou'vecalledouttheirbehaviororgetintoalengthyconversationaboutit.Keepsettingplaceholderslikethisduringnegativeinteractionswiththenarc,anddon'tbedrawniniftheirresponseisn'tasreasonableasyou'dlike.Settingboundariestakestime,asdoesreapingtherewardsfromthem.

Attentionisoneofthenarcissistsbiggestdesires;evenwithacovertnarcissist,whocanappearmeekandintroverted,yououghttobeundernoillusionthatthecravingforattentionisstillthere.Whatevertheybelieve,say,orneedistheirmainpriorityinthatmoment,andtheydoexpectittobeyourpriorityaswell.Thishungerforattentionisultimatelydraining,andtostopyourselfbeingsuckedintotheirnarcissistic,ego-inflatingneeds,makesurethatyou'recheckinginwithyourself.

Mentallyreturnyourfocustoyourself.Whatdoyouwant?Whatdoyouneed?Howareyoufeeling?Takethetimetoaskyourselftheseimportantquestions.

Iunderstandthiscanbehardtodointhemiddleofaninteractionwithanarcissist,butyoucanstilldothisretrospectivelyaftertheevent.Thismaybehelpfulinidentifyingyourthoughtsaboutthesituation,andperhapshelpyouthinkabouthowyouwouldliketohandlethesituationdifferentlyinthefuture.It'sagreatwaytoidentifyboundariesyouwishtosetaswell.

Bydoingthisonaregularbasis,you’reincreasingyourself-awareness,andallowingyourselftobecomemoreawareofhowthenarcissistsbehavioraffectsyou.Themoreyoudothis,themoreself-awarenessyouhave,andovertimethiswilllessenthepowerthenarcissisthasoveryou.Withamoreassuredself-awareness,thenarcissistsagendawillnolongeroverwhelmyou.

awareness,thenarcissistsagendawillnolongeroverwhelmyou.

Thisisagoodplacetodescribetheterm‘greyrock’.Thistermisawaytoapproachdissociation,temporarily,whenyou'reinanemotionallyvulnerablesituation.Itmeansdialingdownhowmuchyouallowyourselftocareaboutthenarcissist.Youtemporarilymakeyourselfasimpenetrableasarock,disassociatingyourselfemotionally,andprotectingyourselffromunsafesituations.

Essentiallythistechniqueisallowingyoutotakeastepback,andnotfeellikeyouhavetofendoffanyunwantedaggressionorgoadingfromthenarcissist.You’renotemotionallyinvested,andthereforetheirwordscan’tpenetrateyou.Allowyourrepliesandresponsestobemundaneanddull,almostmakingyourselfpartofthescenery.

Thistechniquecanhelpyouremindyourselfthatyouneedtoreservesomeenergyforyourself,andforpeoplewhogenuinelycareaboutyou.Bynotfullyengagingwiththenarcissist,you’rereservingthatpreciousenergyformoremeaningfulthings.Greyrockalsostopsyoufromshowingasmuchvulnerabilityandofferingupasmuchemotion,whicharethingsanarcissistusuallyclingsonto.Thegreyrocktechniquedecreasesthelikelihoodthattheywillbeabletodothis,helpingdiminishtheputdownsandcritiquesthattheywouldusuallyofferupinasituation.

Covertnarcissistsrelishingettingareactionoutofotherpeople.It'stheirperversewayofreassuringthemselvesthattheyareimportant,theirpresencematters,andtheyhavetheabilityto‘getto’people.Ifyoudobiteorshowemotionwhentheyprovokeyou,althoughunintentionally,you'rereinforcingthennegativeandunhealthybehavior.You’regivingthemthereactiontheyneed.

Iknowaswellasyoudothatnarcissistsareadeptatgettingariseoutofothers,soIunderstandthatsometimesyouwillreact,despiteyouknowingthatit'sprobablybetternotto.But,wherepossible,trytosetthatemotionalreactiontoonesideuntillater,Manipulatetheconversationtorevertitbacktothemandexcuseyourselfwhenpossible.Onceyou'reoutofthatunpleasantandunhealthyenvironment,youcangoaheadandprocesshowyoufeelinamuchsaferway.Thisway,youwon’tofferupanyemotionalvulnerabilitytothenarcissist.Andthatleavesyouawinnerinthisfightforpowerthatthenarcissistisinsistentonwinning.

It'smucheasiertoreadabouttheideaofsettingboundariesandtothinkabouttheboundariesyouwanttosetthanitistoactuallyputthemintoaction.Settingboundariesisn'tjustaone-timething:it'ssomethingthatyouhavetoconsciouslycontinuetoputinplace.Inordertohelpyoubestimplementtheseinawaythatwillensureyoudon'tsliporgivein;self-compassionisagoodthingtodevelop.

Compassionforourselvesissomethingthatournarcissisticpartnersdon'tencourage.Infact,inmostcases,it'ssomethingtheystronglydiscourage,intheircovert,patronizingway.

Ifyoutrytoimplementaboundaryandit'snotgoneassuccessfullyasyou'dhoped,orifyou'vebeentooemotionalorifyou'veallowedyourselftobemanipulatedyetagain,giveyourselfsomecompassion.Understandthatyouareonlyhuman,askyourselfwhatyouwanttododifferentlynexttimeandmoveon.Neverbeatyourselfupaboutmistakesormishaps;youandIbothknowthatotherpeoplecanbequicktoputusdown,sodon’tjointhem.Weneedtobeourownchampionandgiveourselvesavoteofconfidence.

Ifyoufindthatyou'reoverwhelmedbythewaythecovertnarcissistmakesyoufeel,rememberthatyoudon'tneedtobethatpersonwhosaysyestoeverydemandormeetsthereeverydesire.Youcanchoosewhoyouwanttobearoundthem,youcanchoosewhetherornotyouwanttobetheirsourceofnarcissisticsupply.

Ifyou'refeelingshortonself-compassion,askyourselfthesequestions:

DoIwanttofeelsmallbelittledandoverwhelmed,arestrongconfidentandrespected?

HowdootherpeopleseemewhatdoIstandfor?IsthathowIwanttobeperceived?

Youranswerstothesequestionswillhelpyoudecidethepersonyouwanttobeandhelpguideyouinthatdirection.Thecontextthatyoufindintheanswerstothosequestionswillalsohelpembedthefactthatyounolongerwanttobesomebody'sdoormatorverbalpunchingbag.Visualizingthepersonyouwanttobewillhelpyougetthere.

Whilstcovertnarcissistscanbemean,spiteful,patronizingandcanstealthilyintimidatepeople,rememberthattheydofeelinferiorandemptyontheinside.I'mnotsayingthistoyoufeelpityforthenarcissist,butrathersothatyoucanseetheminamorerealisticlight.Ifyouthinkaboutit,itmustbequitedifficult

seetheminamorerealisticlight.Ifyouthinkaboutit,itmustbequitedifficulttobeconstantlyneedingthatnarcissisticsupplyandcravingvalidationfromothersallthetime.

Underneaththatbullyingknow-it-allexterior,there'sascared,needypersonwhoutilizestoxicandabusivebehaviortohelpthemgetthroughlife.Covertnarcissistsaregenerallyquitewoundedovertheirlimitationsasaperson,butthisdoesn'texcusethey'reabusiveorcontrollingbehavior.

Keepinmindtheirlimitationstohelpyounottaketheirbehaviorpersonally.I'mnotsuggestingyouofferthemempathybecauseofthisoruseitasawaytoexplaintheiractions.Justrememberthattheirinsecuritiesandlimitationsdon'tjustifytheirnarcissisticbehavior.

BeforeIdrawthischaptertoacloseIdowanttomentionsomethingelseI'dlikeyoutokeepinmind:good,solidboundariescanalsoincludeconsequences,andyouneedtofollowthroughwiththeseconsequences.Idon'twantyoutobefearfulofthis,butratherusethisknowledgetounderstandwhatyou’repreparedtodoifyourboundariesareviolated.

Asanexample,ifyou’reinsultedbythenarcissistwhenyouareimplementingaboundary,I'dlikeyoutohaveaconsequenceofwhatwillhappeninyourmindbeforethesituationhappens-youdon'twanttohavetofigureitoutintheheatofthemoment.Iwouldsuggestonlycommunicatingyourdesiredconsequenceonetimebeforecarryingitout.Noexplanationisnecessary.Oncetheconsequencehasbeencommunicated,andthishasbeenignoredandyourboundaryviolated,youmusttakeaction-straightaway,everysingletime.Ifyoudon'tdothisit'snevergoingtobeaseffectiveasifyouareconsistent.InconsistentboundarysettingmeansyoulosecredibilityandremainintheCatandMousegameofthenarcissist.

It'salsoimportanttoknowthatwheneveryousethealthyboundaries,thenarcissistmayuptheanteontheirthreats,verbalattacksandgossipspreading.Thisisoneofthesadrisksofhavinganarcissistinyourlife;beingwithanarcissistdoescomeataprice.Youcanattemptahealthyrelationshipwithanarcissist,butyou'llalwaysbehavingtopickyourbattlesandinteractwithyournarcissistinamoremindfulwaythanyouwouldifyouwereinanon-toxicrelationship.

NowthatI'vegotyouthinkingaboutinteractingwiththenarcissist,itmaybesomethingthatyou'relookingtoimplementandtryyourself,oritmaybesomethingthatyou'renowquestioningyouevenwanttodo.Youmaybe

somethingthatyou'renowquestioningyouevenwanttodo.Youmaybethinking‘atwhatcostamImaintainingcontactwiththisnarcissist?’

InthisnextchapterI'mgoingtotalkaboutconsideringadifferentpath;aonethatisadmittedlyquitedifficultinthebeginning,butultimatelyturnedoneofthebestchoicesI'veevermade:leavinganarcissisticrelationship.

I

LookingAfterYou-WaystoLeaveaVulnerableNarcissist

understandjusthowharditistoleavesomeoneyoulove.Althoughournarcissisticspousesundoubtedlytormentuswiththeirmentalandemotional

torture,there'snoquestionastowhetherornotwelovethem.Wemayfeelsillyforlovingsomeonewhotreatsussobadly,butitcan'tbedeniedthatleavingthemisahardthingforustodo,largelybecausewefeelsomuchforthem.

Youmaynotyetbereadytofacetheideaofleavingyourpartner.Youmaybefeellikeyoucan'tlivewiththem,butyoucan'tlivewithoutthemeither,andyou'reinastateofconfusionaboutwhatyou'regoingtodo.Perhapsyou'vedecidedthatyou’regoingtoleaveyourabuser,butyou'rejustwaitingfortherighttime.Itcouldalsobethatyouknowforafactyou'reendingthisrelationship,butyoujustdon'tknowhoworwheretostart.

Ihavefledtwoabusiverelationships,andIcantellyoufromfirst-handexperiencethatit'snoteasy.Leavingmyrelationships,andenduringtheemotionallydrainingmonthsthatfollowed,weresomeofthehardesttimesI’veeverbeenthrough.

Clichéasitmaysound,onceyouleaveatoxicrelationship,andyoucomeoutoftheotherside,you’llwonderhowandwhyyoueverenduredtheemotionaltraumathatyourexputyouthrough.

Thisisprobablythebiggestpieceofadvicethatyoushouldtakeawayfromthischapter:youneedtogonocontact.Thiswasoneofthethingsthatkeptmeinthecycleofabuse;Iwouldleavetherelationship,onlytomaintaincontact,andeventuallybepersuadedtoreturntotherelationship.Forwhateverreason,wealwaysseemtobelievethatitwillbebetterwhenwereturn,ortheabusewillcease.

Thebestwaytoescapeanarcissisticrelationshipistogonocontact.Blocktheirnumber.Blocktheiremailaddress.Anysocialmediayoumayhave,makesurethey'reblockedontheretoo.Iwentasfarasactuallydeletingmysocialmediaprofilesforawhile,justtoavoidmyexkeepingtabsonmeviaotherpeople.Ifyouleaveanarcissist,theiregossimplywon'tbeabletodealwithit;theywill

trytocontactyou.Theyneedtheirnarcissisticsupplyandthat'syou.Withyougonetheirknee-jerkreactionistogetthatbackatallcosts.

Ofcourse,Iunderstandifyouhavechildrenwiththenarcissist,thisisn'tassimpleasnocontact.Thiswasn'tsomethingIeverhadtodealwith,butIhavespokentoothervictimsofnarcissismwhohadchildrenwiththeirabusivespouse.Someofthemwenttotherapywiththeirexinordertoworkoutaparentingplan,butforthosewhoweredealingwithamoreaggressivenarcissist,ithadtogodownalegalroute.WhilstIcan'tadviseonthedetailsofthis,asthisisn'tsomethingIhadtogothrough,Iwouldadviseimmediatelyworkoutaparentingplan,andifthisisrebuffedbyyourex,youcanconsiderthealternateroutestogodown.

WhenyouleaveIwouldadviseyoutojustgo.Nolongtalkorlingeringgoodbyes-ifyoudothis,you’llbeconvincedtostay,andthenpunishedlaterforwantingtoleave.Ifyoufeellikeit’ssafertodoso,youmayneedtobreakupwithyourabuserviaphoneoreventext.Beclearthatyouaredonewiththerelationship,bestraighttothepoint,andyoumayevenwanttowishthemthebestforthefutureifyoufeelit'sappropriate.Afterthatmybestadviceistoblocktheirnumber.Iwouldthendeletethisstraightaway,soifyouevergettheurgetogetbackintouch,asthatoptionisnowstrippedawayfromyou.It'saformoftoughself-love;itmayhurtyouatthetime,butit'swhat'sbestforyouinthelongrun.

Donotallowyourselftobehooveredbackintotherelationship.Youknowyou'donlybetoldthingsthattheyknowyouwanttohear;rememberyouneedtoendthiscycleoftoxicity.Ifyou'veleftbelongingsorsentimentalitemsattheirplace,ifpossible,cutyourlossesandforgetaboutthem.Whilstmostthingscanbereplaced,it’smuchhardertoreplaceyoursanityandemotionalstability.

Ifyourrelationshipwasquitealengthyone,it'slikelyyouhavefriendsincommon.Infact,yourentirefriendshipcirclemaybethesameasyourex.Iwouldconsiderblockingordetachingyourselffromfriendyouhaveincommon,especiallyoneswhocangobacktothenarcissistandupdateyourexonyourlife.Somefriendsmayeventrytoconvinceyoutogetbackwithyourex.Yourmentalandemotionalhealthisdependentonyourabilitytoremoveyourselfasmuchaspossiblefromthenarcissist.Thismaymeancuttingcertainpeopleoutofyourlife.Doingthisalsoavoidsyougettinganyupdatesonyourexwhichmaytriggeryouwantingtoregaincontact.

Onceyou'reoutoftherelationship,andspendingmoretimealone,thiscanoften

Onceyou'reoutoftherelationship,andspendingmoretimealone,thiscanoftencauseyoutolookbackontherelationshipwithrosetintedspectacles.Yourreflectionoftherelationshipmaybegintojustbeonthegoodtimes,andyoubegintoforget,orbury,thereasonswhyyouendedtherelationship.duringtimeslikethiswhenyou'refeelingespeciallyweak,Iwouldsuggestwritingdownalistofreasonswhyyouleft.it'svitaltorememberthepartsofyourrelationshipthatcausedyourself-esteemtoplummet,yourself-doubttorise,yoursanitytobequestionedandyourpaintobeusedastheirnarcissisticfuel.

Wereyoucutofffromfamilyandfriendsduringtherelationship?Weretherethingsyouwereunabletodobecauseoftherelationshipthatyou'renowfreetodo?Wasthereaparticularwordorphrasethatwouldbeespeciallyhurtfulwhenyoucalledit?Doyourecallanyspecificpassiveaggressivebehaviorsthataffectedthewayyoureactedtothings?Writeitalldown.Themoreyouwritedown,themoreyoucanthinkof,themoreyourememberanditalmostsnowballsintoalistofreasonswhyyouarebetteroffoutoftherelationship.Itcanbequitecatharticandtherapeutictodothisaswell.

WhenIwrotemylistofreasonswhyIleft,IfoundalotofthelistwasremindingmyselfthatIhavebeenliedtoquitealotthroughouttherelationship.ThiscausedmealotofpainbecauseIknewIwasbeingliedtodeepdown,butmynarcissisticexconvincedmeIwasimaginingthingsorrememberingthingsincorrectly.IwouldlookbackonmyselfintherelationshipandfeelutterlystupidforallowingmyselftobegaslightedandabusedthewayIwas.Iwouldbeatmyselfupforacceptinghisfeebleliesasthetruth.Ofcourse,thisself-blamingbehaviorisn'thelpful,butIjustwanttoletyouknowthatit'sdefinitelyanaturalfeelingafterthedemiseoftherelationship.Allowyourselftofeelthenegativityforjustamoment,andthenmoveon.

It'salsowisetoassumethatthenarcissistwillmoveonprettyquickly.Providingyousticktothenocontactruleandavoidbeingsuckedbackinbythenarcissist,thenarcissistwillneedtofindanothersourceofsupply.Alotoftimes,thenarcissistevenhasabackupplanifanythingweretoeverhappeninyourrelationship.Somebodymayalreadybewaitinginthewings.Whilstthisisundeniablyhurtful,andeventhoughyou'renolongerwiththenarcissist,youstillfeelthesamepainandbetrayal.Howcouldtheymoveonsoquickly?Howdidn'tIrealizetherewassomebodyalreadywaitingtakemyplace?

Don'ttakethisbehaviorpersonally.Thisistheonlywaythenarcissistknowshowtosurvive,andhowtomaintainthatimportantnarcissisticsupply.

However,itcanstillcomeasquiteashocktofindoutthatyournarcissisticex

However,itcanstillcomeasquiteashocktofindoutthatyournarcissisticexhasswiftlymovedonwithsomeoneelse.Inmycase,ittookmyexanentireninehourstogetsomebodyelsebackintothebedweshared.Ittookhimtwoweekstomakethatpersonhisnewgirlfriend.Inowunderstandthatthispersonwasalreadyinthebackgroundofourrelationship,andsomebodyhewasalreadybeingintimatewithbehindmyback.Whilstitwasn'tafull-blownaffair,theyhadbeenintermittentlyseeingeachotherforaboutsixmonthsbeforeIleft.AsIcametofindout,hewouldvisitherwheneverwehadanargument,orhecouldn'tgethisownway.Whenhewouldsayhewas‘stayingatafriend'shousetogetsomespace’,hewasactuallystayingoverathers.

Ididn'tfindoutaboutthisuntilafewmonthsafterthebreakup.Bythispoint,I'dcomealongwayinregainingsomeself-esteem,self-compassionandunderstandingthatmytoxicrelationshipwasn'tmyfault.However,tofindoutaboutthisotherwomanandallofthesordiddetailsstillfeltlikeadaggerinthegut.I'msureitwouldhavehurtmemuchmoreifIfoundoutmonthsprior,butthefactthatitgottomereallybotheredme.IthoughtIwasoverhim.IntruthIwasoverhim,buttheeffectsoftheabusestilllingered,andthat'swhatwascausingthepain.Inlongrun,himmovingonquicklygivememoreclosure.ItassuredmethatIwasdisposabletohim,andjustanotherformofnarcissisticsupply.Iwasbetterthanthat,andIwasworthmorethanhecouldeverofferme.Despitetheinitialpain,himmovingonliberatedme.

Withallbreakups,youdoneedtogiveyourselftimetogrieve.It'sallthemoredifficult,Ibelieve,togrieveanabusiveex.Notonlyareyoumourningthedemiseoftherelationship,you'regrievingthepersonyouthoughtyourexwas.Theremayalsobeasenseofoverwhelmingshock,asthenarcissistrevealsevenmoreevilandsadisticbehaviorspostbreakup.

Mostnarcissistswilllovebomb*atthebeginningofarelationship.Youmayfeelsweptoffyourfeetandliketheluckiestpersonintheworldduringthebeginningstagesofyourrelationship.Theshockandsadnessthatcomeswiththerealizationthatthisisn'tatruereflectionofthatpersoncanbeearthshattering.

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*LOVEBOMBDEFINITION:Lovebombingisanattempttoinfluenceapersonbydemonstrationsofattentionandaffection.Itcanoftenbeusedwithnegative

intentions.

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BYTHETIMEYOU'VEfallenforthischarmer,you'vealreadyformedanemotionalbond.Whentherelationshipendsyouareremovingyourselffromthispersonwhothere'sabigpartofyourlife.Youneedtogrievethat.

I'mabigadvocateforlisteningtoyouremotions,askingyourselfhowyou’refeeling,andmakingsureyouhaveplentiful‘you’time.Allowyourselftofeelthemirageofemotionsthatcomewiththebreakup.Inthesamebreath,don'tallowyourselftodwell.It'safinelinethatyouneedtokeepaneyeon.Ifyoufeellikeyou’redwelling,it'simportanttofindthingstokeepyouoccupied.Giveyourselfsomedistractions.Dothethingsthatyouwereunabletododuringtherelationship.Learnnewhobbies,getupanddosomeexercise,meetupwithfriends,findwaystomakenewfriends...whateveryoudo,makeitsomethingthatwillnourishyou,evenifyoudon'treallyfeellikedoingit.

You'llthankyourselflater.

AboutthePublisherEscapeTheNarcissist is about helping you find your self-worth, offering yousomethoughtprovokingideastochangeyourlifeandaidingyouinrevitalizingyourrelationships.

Withthatinmind,EscapeTheNarcissisthasonecorerelationshipwewanttofocuson:theoneyouhavewithyourself.

Ourwebsitewasbornfromaplaceofdarkness.We’veall,atsomepointinour lives,beenon thereceivingendof ill treatmentfromothers.Frombeingavictim of a narcissistic relationship to being mistreated by those who shouldprotectusandnotbeingshowntherespectwedeserve,thesetoxicrelationshipscanaffectusmorethanwerealise.

Whilstthepeoplebehindthecontentofoursiteandbooksallhavetheirownideasandstories,theyhaveonethingincommon:they’veallovercometoxicityintheirlivesandwanttosharetheirstory.

The content of the stories, pieces of advice and actionable life changeswithinthissiteallaimtoinspire,provokeahealthierwayofthinking,andhelptohealanynegativeeffectsyou’vebeenleftwithatthehandsofotherpeople.

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