crazy for you_script

8/13/2019 Crazy for You_Script

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/crazy-for-youscript 1/108

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Crazy For You

Music: George GershwinLyrics: Ira GershwinBook: Ken LudwigPremiere: Wednesday, February 19, 1992--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BOBBY CHILDNew York, young man in love with musical theater

BELA ZANGLER

New York, an established producer

LANK HAWKINSNevada, saloon proprietor

EVERETT BAKERPolly's father

POLLY BAKERDeadrock, Nevada postmistress, "All American Girl"

IRENE ROTHNew York Society debutant

EUGENE FODORAn English tourist

PATRICIA FODOREugene's sister

MOTHER (Mrs. Lottie Child)Bobby's business-oriented and controlling parent

PERKINSMother's business assistant

CHAUFFEUR:for Mother's limousine

CAST OF CHARACTERS (continued)

10 FOLLIES GIRLS - CHORUSTESSDance director, Zangler's favoritePATSYShowgirl with high speaking voiceMITZIA principal dancer



ELAINELOUISESUSIE

BETSYMARGIESHEILAVERA

10 COWBOYS - CHORUSHARRY (Bartender)PETECUSTUSJIMMY

Cowboy Trio:MOOSE

MINGOSAM

Card Players:BILLYWYATTJUNIOR

NEW YORK THEATRE STAGE MANAGERSTAGE HANDS4 SHOW GIRLS2 LACKEYS FOR ZANGLER3 MOTHER'S DIRECTORS

NEW YORK PASSING STREET CROWDSNEVADA PASSING STREET CROWDS



MUSICAL NUMBERSACT ONE

A. OVERTURE - OrchestraB. INCIDENTAL: Before Opening - Orchestra1. K-RA-ZY for You - Bobby2. I Can't Be Bothered Now - Bobby & Girls2. (cont'd) PLAYOFF: Bothered - Orchestra2a. SCENE CHANGE: After Bothered - Orchestra3. Bidin' My Time - Cowboy Trio (Mingo, Moose, Sam) & Men3a. INCIDENTAL: Bobby Staggers In - Orchestra4. Things Are Looking Up - Bobby4a. INCIDENTAL: After Things - Piano Solo5. Could You Use Me? - Bobby & Polly5 (cont'd) Shall We Dance? - Bobby & Polly5a. SCENE CHANGE: Shall We Dance? - Music Box

6. Girls Enter Nevada [Bronco Busters] - Chorus7. Someone to Watch Over Me - Polly8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass - Piano with adlib. Drums9. Slap That Bass - Bobby (as Zangler) & Company10. Embraceable You - Polly & Bobby (as Zangler)11. Tonight's the Night - Chorus12. I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company12-I Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - CompanyACT TWO

13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag -Cowboy Trio & Chorus13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo14. What Causes That - Bobby & Zangler14a. SCENE CHANGE - Bobby Wakes Up - Orchestra15. Naughty Baby - Irene, Lank & male Quartet (Harry,Junior, Wyatt & Mingo)15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You - Music box[There is no musical number 16]17. Stiff Upper Lip - Eugene, Patricia, Bobby, Polly &Company18. They Can't Take That Away From Me - Bobby19. But Not For Me - Polly

19 (cont'd) Reprise: But Not for Me - Polly19a. SCENE CHANGE: New Promenade - Orchestra20. Nice Work If You Can Get It - Bobby & Girls21. Bidin' My Time (French Reprise) - Cowboy Trio22. Reprise: Things are Looking Up - Everett23. Finale - Company24. Curtain Calls - Full Company25. EXIT MUSIC - Orchestra



A. OvertureACT ONEB. INCIDENTAL: Before Opening (Optional)

Scene One

Wings and Stage of Zangler's Broadway Theater, the wings inthe foreground, and the stage in the background. Onstage, ashow is in progress. In the wings, STAGEHANDS are workingthe lights, STAGE MANAGER calling cues, etc. As the curtainrises, TESS, the Dance Director, is drilling four SHOWGIRLS in a short routine.

1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You

TESS (over the music)Shoulders back! Heads high! One last time1

(As soon as the SHOW GIRLS leave the wings and parade ontothe stage, TESS looks around to see if Bobby has arrived.She looks at her watch with concern, then calls to PATSY, avery dumb SHOW GIRL with a high, squeaky voice.)

TESSPatsy! Where's Bobby?! He should have been here two hoursago!

PATSYI know! I saw him yesterday, and he was all excited aboutthe audition for Mr. Zangler.

TESS (looking off)Wait! There he is!

(BOBBY CHILD, dressed as a banker, hurries on, into thewings, pulling off his overcoat.)

PATSYBobby!

BOBBYOh, my god! Did I make it?! Is Zangler still here?!

PATSYYeah, ya still got five minutes.

BOBBYGreat

TESSBobby, what happened?!

BOBBY



They kept me late at the bank. But I've got my tap shoes on!This time Zangler's going to be dazzled. He's going to hireme on the spot!

(At this point, the number "onstage" is over, and BELAZANGLER enters the wings. This great impresario is animposing dapper man with a moustache, beard and Hungarianaccent. BOBBY sees him -)

BOBBYMr. Zangler!

(:but TESS and PATSY stop BOBBY from bothering ZANGLER justyet. A trumpet fanfare, the STAGE MANAGER takes ZANGLER'Scigar, and ZANGLER sweeps onstage to make his curtainspeech. ZANGLER raises his arms, and the "applause" dies

down.)

ZANGLERLadies and gentlemen. Vell vell vell. My name is BelaZangler.

(Applause.)

Thank you for coming to Zangler Follies - our finalperformance of the season, and I hope you vill all be herein just eight veeks for vonderful new show!

(Wild applause as ZANGLER leaves the stage and the companybows begin. As soon as ZANGLER gets to the wings, BOBBYtries again.)

ZANGLERTessie!

BOBBYMr. Zangler, could I see you a min -

ZANGLERI must talk now to dance director about very importantprofessional matter!

BOBBYRight.

(Bobby moves away, and ZANGLER pulls TESS aside.)

ZANGLER (Business-like)Tessie.

TESSYes, Mr. Zangler?



(ZANGLER makes sure they're not overheard; then says withpassion:

ZANGLERTessie, I love you.

TESSBela -!

ZANGLERVhat do you say ve have intimate supper?

TESSI'm not hungry.

ZANGLER

Tessie, please! You make me crazy!

TESSAnd how is Mrs. Zangler?

ZANGLERI am sorry to say, she is in excellent health.

(TESS walks away.)

ZANGLERTessie!

(By this time the FOLLIES GIRLS are leaving the stage in aline, past ZANGLER.)

MITZIVacation!

FOLLIES GIRLSGoodnight, Mr. Zangler.Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.Goodnight, Mr. Zangler.

(And at the end of the line is BOBBY.)

BOBBYHi, Mr. Zangler.

ZANGLERNot you again.

BOBBYI'm here to audition.

ZANGLERNot now!



(ZANGLER starts to leave. By this time, BOBBY and ZANGLERare alone onstage.)

BOBBYMr. Zangler! You don't understand. When I go to your office,they throw me out.

(Music fades out.)

ZANGLERGood. I give them a raise.

BOBBYWould you wait a second!

ZANGLERMr. Child. Vhy are you vesting my time?!

BOBBY (indicating the theater around him:)Because this is my life! It's all I care about!

(BOBBY'S conviction makes even ZANGLER pause.)

Now look, you're going to love this. I promise. Just - just- okay. Okay?

ZANGLER:Okay.

BOBBYWould you hold this? Thanks.

(He hands ZANGLER his coat and hat.)

Here goes.

(BOBBY takes a breath - then launches into his audition,dancing as he sings:)

1. Opening: K-RA-ZY For You

BOBBYLet me give you the low down:(Orchestra accompaniment picks up again under vocal.)

I'm k-ra-zy for you.When it comes to a show down -I'm k-ra-zy for you.And so though love may not inspire my lingoStill it's making my heart goLet me give you the low downI'm k-ra-zy for -



(Music out.)

Hold on for the big finish!

ZANGLER (bored and annoyed:)I'm holding, I'm holding.

(BOBBY does an elaborate tap routine. Halfway through it,ZANGLER pointedly looks at his watch. BOBBY finishes theroutine with a slam, literally nose-to-nose with ZANGLER.Orchestra short chord at finish of BOBBY's routine, thenmusic out.)

BOBBYNow what do you say to that?!

ZANGLERFoot -

BOBBYHuh?

ZANGLERFoot:You are standing on my foot!

BOBBYOh, sorry:

ZANGLERYou are a moron!

(He starts to exit.)

BOBBYMr. Zangler! : Look, I-I-I realize I'm an unknown, here inNew York. But I have potential!

ZANGLERYa. You could be unknown all over America!

(ZANGLER strides off, and BOBBY runs after him. As they

exit, music picks up again for scene change as the setchanges. Scene change music fades out as GIRLS enter.)

Scene Two

Street in front of the Zangler Theater, five minutes later.As the lights come up, BOBBY and some of the FOLLIES GIRLSare leaving the stage door in their street clothes. Also onthe street is IRENE ROTH, dressed in fur, waiting for BOBBY.

TESSHey, Bobby. Just forget about him.



PATSYCheer up! He's not worth it.

BOBBYWho knew he had big feet!

IRENEHello, Bobby.

BOBBY (Without turning, recognizing the steely voice:)Irene. Hi:

IRENESay good-night to the ladies, Bobby.

BOBBYNow wait a second - !

PATSYWe'll see ya later.

TESSWe've gotta go anyway. 'Night, Bobby.

THE GIRLSGood-night, Bobby. God night. (etc.)

(And the GIRLS are gone.)

IRENEBobby, it is time you gave up all this dancing nonsense andsettled down!

BOBBYNonsense -?!

IRENEWe have been engaged for five years. Now when are wegetting married?!

BOBBYWe're not.

IRENEOf course we are.

BOBBYOh no we're not.

IRENEDon't be ridiculous. I have the wedding all planned. Theguest list is up to nine hundred.



BOBBYGreat. Big crowd. You won't even miss me.

(At this moment, ZANGLER exits from the stage door with twoof his lackeys. Simultaneously, a limousine starts toenter.)

ZANGLERVe start next veek -

BOBBYMr. Zangler! I'm sorry about your foot -!

(ZANGLER turns to BOBBY - and almost gets run down by thelimousine.)

ZANGLERMoron!

(IRENE pulls OBBY away, and ZANGLER exits down the street.The limousine pulls up, the CHAUFFEUR opens the back door,and BOBBY'S MOTHER gets out, followed by PERKINS, herassistant. BOBBY and IRENE don't see them.)

IRENENow I want you to promise me: from the day we're married,you will work in the bank.

BOBBYBut I don't want to work in the bank! That's my mother'sidea! I mean that's the trouble. Nobody in the theatertakes me seriously! Well if my mother was here right now,you know what I'd say to her? Huh?! I'd say: "MOTHER!!"

MOTHERYes, Bobby?

BOBBYMy God, you look well. That coat is just -

MOTHER

I knew I'd find you here.IRENELottie, dear, I am talking to Bobby.

MOTHERWell, so am I!

IRENEThen get in line!

MOTHER



Bobby, in the ten years since you left Harvard, you haveaccomplished nothing.

IRENEHe got engaged to me.

MOTHER (to BOBBY)You have accomplished less than nothing. Now the Board ofDirectors and I have decided to give you one last chance.If you fail the bank this time, I will cut off yourallowance.

IRENEWhen he's married to me, he won't need an allowance.

MOTHER

No, he'll need a psychiatrist.(To Bobby:)Now this is a deed of property.

PERKINSWe'd like it signed.

BOBBYFine! Do you have a pen?

MOTHERNot by you, you idiot! By some other idiot who lives in:(Consulting the document.)Deadrock, Nevada. I want you to go there immediately andget him to sign it.

BOBBYNevada?!

PERKINSIt will save the bank quite a sum in foreclosure costs.

BOBBYBut who cares?! I want to dance. I don't care about money.

(MOTHER gasps and clutches her heart. PERKINS catches her.)BOBBYI'm sorry, Mother, I'm sorry:

IRENEHe will go to Nevada over my dead body!

MOTHERThat sounds like an excellent route. :Bobby, get in the car!

MOTHER IRENEI will cut off your Darling, don't even listen



allowance if you do not go to her. I've got theto Nevada, first thing wedding all planned. You'lltomorrow morning! Now I wear a morning coat and I'll

don't want to hear any go strapless. It's all thenonsense about it -! rage -

(During the argument PERKINS and CHAUFFEUR cross upstageand unobtrusively make their exit. BOBBY tunes the argumentout, music intro. Starts, their voices fade away, and BOBBYsings:)

2. I Can't Be Bothered Now

BOBBYBad news go 'way!Call 'round some day

In March or May -I can't be bothered now.

My bonds and sharesMay fall downstairs -Who cares, who cares?I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now!

(MOTHER pulls BOBBY into the car, and IRENE follows them.)

MOTHER IRENEIf you do not listen to me, I have gone out of my wayyoung man, you will find To give your feelings everyyourself without an Possible consideration -allowance -

(In his dream fantasy, BOBBY rises out of the car and endsup dancing on the roof.)

BOBBYI'm up among the stars;On earthly things I frownI'm throwing off the barsThat held me down.I'll pay the piper

When times are riper.Just now I shan't -Because you see I'm dancing and I can't -be bothered now!

(Dance break. BOBBY raises the hood of the car and aFOLLIES GIRL jumps out. He dances with her. Then the restof the FOLLIES GIRLS emerge from the car, as they enterdancing and singing, they ad lib., "Hi, Bobby," etc.)

BOBBYMusic is the magic that makes everything sunshinyDancing makes my troubles all seem tiny.



When I m dancing I don't care if this old world stopsturning,Or if my bank is burning,

Or even if RumaniaWants to fight Albania!I'm not upset,I refuse to fret.

THE GIRLSHe's not upset

(Telephone rings.)

BOBBYOh, no!

THE GIRLSAnd he'll refuse to fret.Hello!

BOBBYThat's for me?!(GIRLS babble.)

ONE GIRL (to BOBBY:)It's for you!

BOBBYTake a message!

THE GIRLSBad news go 'way!Call 'round some dayIn March or May -He can't be bothered now.

BOBBY (shouted:)I can't be bothered now!

(Dance break.)

THE GIRLSHe's dancing watch him shine,You'll have to hold the Iine

(Dance break.)

GIRLS A GIRLS BHe'll pay the piper He'll pay the piperWhen times are riper. When times are riper.Just now, he shan't - When times are riper.He'll pay the piperJust now, he shan't -Just now, he shan't -



BOBBYBecause you see I'm dancing...

(Telephone rings.)Because you see I'm dancing...(Telephone rings.)Because you see I'm dancing...

THE GIRLS (Chanted:)Bad news, go awayCall 'round somedayIn March or May -Who cares about his sharesThat fall downstairsWho cares, who cares?Who cares, who cares?

He can't be botheredWon't be botheredShan't be botheredCan't be bothered nowNot now!Not now!He can't be bothered...

(Tap break.)

Now!Goodbye!!

(Music segues on applause.)

2. (cont'd) PLAYOFF: Bothered - Orchestra

(As the number ends, PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR re-enter and waitbeside the car. The GIRLS dance back into the car, andBOBBY sinks back in through the roof. Then BOBY, MOTHER andIRENE immediately emerge from the car.)

MOTHER IRENEBobby, I want you to go to She's completely insane!Nevada at once and forget all I've got the colors

This marriage nonsense! picked out for thewedding and they're blueand white!

IRENESo which is it, Bobby? Me or Deadrock?

(BOBBY looks at MOTHER, then back at IRENE.)

BOBBY (undecided:)Oh boy:



(Frustrated, he snatches the deed of property from MOTHERand runs down the street.)

BOBBYTAXI!!

(Music starts.)

Grand Central Station!!

2a. SCENE CHANGE: After Bothered - Orchestra

(MOTHER smiles, IRENE scowls and exits. As the lights fade,PERKINS & CHAUFFEUR get into the car, and the limo drivesoff - without MOTHER - and she chases it down the street.)

Scene ThreeMain Street, Deadrock, morning. A sleepy little Westerntown in the middle of nowhere. Along the street, there aretwo adjoining buildings of particular interest. The sign onone says: "Saloon, Hotel and Restaurant." The otherbuilding is a former theater, once quite grand, now gone toseed. Above the entrance is a sign that says: "GaietyTheater" - but there's another sign below it that says "U.S.Post Office." Across the street is the General Store. Atthe end of the street, we see the desert stretching intothe distance.

3. Bidin' My Time

As the set falls into place around them, THREE COWBOYS -1930's style - and POLLY BAKER enter on the back of an oldpickup truck singing the laziest song imaginable. Alsoonstage are several other COWBOYS sitting around doingnothing (as usual.) Sitting on the porch of the theater isEVERETT BAKER, a gentle, befuddled man in his 60s, readinga yellowing copy of "Variety." As the truck enters Deadrock,it runs over a rattlesnake. During the following the deadsnake, rattles its tail, crosses himself and mourns theloss of his favorite pet.

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMI'm bidin' my time,'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm.While other folks grow dizzyI keep busyBidin' my time

(OTHER MEN join singing, on melody, with the trio, as theyenter.)

Next year, next year,I'll just keep on nappin' -This year, this year,



I'll just keep on nappin'

POLLY

Mail call!

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMAnd bidin' my time,'Cause that's the kinda guy I'm.There's no regrettin'When I'm settin'Bidin' my time.

POLLY (interrupting the last note of men's vocal:)Hey! Mail call! Come and get it!

SAM

Heck, Polly, I never get any mail.

POLLYOh, Sam, you got a letter just last month.

PETENo kiddin'! What'd it say?

SAMI don't know. I didn't have the energy to read it.

POLLYHey! Look at this! There's a letter here, for my dad, fromNew York City!

PETEHey Everett!

JIMMYYa got a letter!

BILLYFrom New York City!

EVERETT

Oh. Well. Now isn't that exciting.MOOSECan I have the stamp, Polly? For my collection?

POLLY(She tears off the stamp and hands it to Moose, havingalready taken the letter out.)Hey, Moose. I didn't know you had a stamp collection.

MOOSE(Showing Everett proudly.)Oh, boy. Number two!



POLLY (Reading the letter.)It's from that stinkin' bank again.

EVERETTOh, dear.

POLLYThis time they want to take our theater!

EVERETT (to the BOYS:)I'm afraid we're a little behind on the mortgage.

POLLYIt says here, if we don't pay 'em a ton of money by the endof this month, they're gonna own it, lock, stock and barrel!

(The BOYS groan.)

EVERETTOh, Polly, I wish you could have seen your mother on thatstage.

POLLYI bet she was really somethin', Dad.

EVERETTShe was never more radiant than when she stood there behindthose footlights, singing her heart out to a house-full ofdrunken gold miners.

(He potters sadly away, into the saloon.)

WYATTPoor old guy.

POLLY (Scanning the letter:)Just look at this! They're sendin' some banker out here toput the knife in. Name of : Bobby Child! If I ever meet upwith that skunk, I'll : Oh, I don't know what I'll do! Butit's gonna be ugly!!

(She exits angrily into the theater.)BILLYI never seen her that mad before.

JUNIORTalk about an excitin' day.

3a. INCIDENTAL: Bobby Staggers In - Orchestra

(Lazily, they start to lope away - when BOBBY staggers intoview from the desert, carrying his suitcases. He's pouringwith sweat, dizzy from the sun and can barely walk.)



BOBBYWater : water :

(He makes it part way down the street and drops to theground in a dead faint. Music out. The COWBOYS look at him.)

JIMMYI guess the train arrived.

CUSTUS (to BOBBY:)It's only an hour's walk from the junction!

(They shake their heads and lope away - as EVERETT emergesfrom the saloon, fleeing from LANK HAWKINS. LANK is anintense, usually manic fellow, blessed with a vision that

no one else quite shares.)

EVERETTNo no no no. I can't let you have the theater, Lank.

LANKI don't want you to "let me have it." I want to buy it!

EVERETTOh I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage,standing there behind the footlights :

LANKWould you stop blathering, you pig-headed fool!

(POLLY instantly appears on the balcony.)

POLLYLank Hawkins! Don't you dare talk to my father that way!

LANK (to POLLY:)Okay! Okay:(He throws her a kiss and she exits; to EVERETT:)Look. I'll make it simple. I : own : the saloon.

EVERETTI know that.

LANKGood. Now being a man of vision, I would like to expand thesaloon in the direction of your theater, which, if you'llrecall, was turned into a post office twenty years ago.

EVERETTHow I'd love to see a show I that theater again:

LANK



Everett, it's not going to happen! In two thousand years,there has been one resurrection, and it wasn't a theater!!(LANK calms himself:)

Think of it, Everett. This could be a big town again! Shopsand cafes! Sidewalks! We could have another:.Cleveland onour hands!

EVERETTBut it's such a nice town as it is:

LANKWould you look around, for God's sake! Come here! Look!(Taking EVERETT on a tour of the street,)We have a town full of singing cadavers!(Kicking BOBBY with his toe,)We have bodies lying in the street!

(Poking EVERETT in the chest.)We are the armpit of the American West!!

(POLLY storms out of the front of the theater. The momentshe appears, BOBBY'S head goes up. He's transfixed. Hecan't take his eyes off her.)

POLLYYou listen to me, Lank Hawkins! If you ever yell at myfather again, I'm gonna skin you alive, you hear me -!!

LANK POLLYIf he doesn't sell it to He is my father and it is timeme, the bank is going to you showed him a littletake it anyway! respect!

(They freeze. Again, BOBBY is in his own world. Staring atPOLLY in a cloud of adoration, he sings:)

4. Things Are Looking Up

BOBBYThings are looking up!I've been looking the landscape overAnd it's covered with four leaf clover,

Oh things are looking upSince love looked up at me.

LANK POLLYPolly, you know how I feel And he ain't gonna sellabout you! ya his theater if hedon't want to!

(Freeze.)

BOBBYBitter was my cup,But no more will I be the mourner,



For I've certainly turned the corner.Oh things are looking upSince love looked up at me.

LANKI have asked you to marry me fifteen times.

POLLYSo ask somebody else.

LANKThere is no one else. You're the only woman within fiftymiles!

(POLLY turns to him, murderously.)

EVERETT (seeing what's coming:)Polly:

(POLLY kicks LANK in the shin. He screams.)

POLLYCome on, Dad. I've got to wash up.

(POLLY and EVERETT exit into the theater. LANK limps awayinto the saloon. BOBBY has been watching Polly's everymovement.)

BOBBY"Polly." "Polly!"

(Like Cortez first seeing the Pacific Ocean:)

My God, that's a wonderful name!!

BOBBY (The music swells.)See the sunbeams!Every one beamsJust because of you.Love's in sessionAnd my depression

Is unmistakably through.(As the song continues, BOBBY gets dizzy again, and theCOWBOYS pick him up and carry him into the saloon.Meanwhile, the set is changing.)

BOBBYThank you.

BOBBYThings are looking up!It's a great little world we live in!Oh I'm happy as a pup



Since love looked up -Oh I'm happy as a pupSince love looked up at me!!

(NOTE: Last word of song is an elision with first note ofnext musical number.)

Scene Four

Inside Lank's Saloon. It includes a reception desk, a bar,a player-piano (apparently being played by JUNIOR), and acard table. A flight of stairs leads up to a balcony, wherethere are doors to two guest rooms and a door to thecorridor. TWO CARD PLAYERS - WYATT and BILLY - are at thetable playing poker. As the COWBOYS carry BOBBY into thesaloon, the piano is playing, and LANK is coming down the

stairs.

4a. INCIDENTAL: After Things (Piano solo)

LANKWould you turn that thing off!

(JUNIOR kicks the piano and it stops playing.

A cuckoo clock above the reception desk sounds off -complete with a bird that comes out of a little door in thefront: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" At this moment, and argumentstarts up between the two CARD PLAYERS.)

WYATTHold it right there, mister. I saw ya take that ace fromyour sleeve.

BILLYI'm afraid you need some glasses, ya dumb cuss.

(BILLY stands up, kicking his chair away; and they squareoff for a gunfight. They draw like lightning, but WYATT isfaster. He shoots BILLY in the stomach. BLAM! BILLY fallsdead on the floor. BOBBY watches all this in shock, his

mouth open. A beat, then:)LANKRubbish. Complete rubbish.

BILLY(From the floor, then standing up.)Aw, come on, Lank. I thought it was pretty good that time.

BOBBY (confused:)What's going on?

BILLY



Famous Gunfights of the Old West.

JUNIOR

It's Lank's idea, to bring in the tourists.

PETEThat there was Wyatt Earp meets Billy the Kid.

BOBBYBut they could have hurt each other.

WYATTAre you kiddin', mister? These her is blanks. Hey, Lank!

(LANK turns - and WYATT shoots straight at his chest. BLAM!BLAM! Then WYATT turns the gun toward the wall and lets fly

another - BLAM! - and a jug on the wall explodes, hitting apair of antlers, which hits the piano - which startsplaying. JUNIOR kicks it and it stops. A beat, then LANKwalks up to WYATT and puts out his hand.)

WYATT (Surrendering his gun to Lank.)Sorry, lank.

LANKNo wonder this country is in a depression.

(LANK walks away. As he goes, the Cuckoo Clock sounds offagain: "CU-CKOO! CU-CKOO!" Startled, LANK shoots the clock,which instantly explodes, leaving the bird dangling on awire from the shards of its house. LANK utters a cry ofdespair, then continues off through a door behind thereception desk. The moment he leaves, POLLY enters.)

POLLYWhere's Lank?

JUNIORHe's out back.

POLLY (Seeing BOBBY for the first time.)

:Who the hell is he?JUNIORHe sorta crawled into town this afternoon.

BOBBYHow do you do?

(BOBBY stands up to introduce himself - and promptly fallsto the ground.)

JUNIORHe's still kinda shaky.



POLLYWell, walk him around. Get under him!

(JUNIOR tries.)Oh, here, I'll do it!

(She puts BOBBY'S arm around her neck and starts to walkhim around the saloon. His legs are like jelly.)

POLLYCome on, Sunshine. This way. Now you're getting' it. Justkeep them feet moving' : (etc. ad lib.)

(She walks him some more - and as they make a turn, BOBBYfinds his face only inches from POLLY's. Without warning,he kisses her on the lips. For a moment she's stunned -

then she pushes him roughly away.)

POLLYWhat the hell'd ya do that for?!!

BOBBYI don't know.

POLLY:Well, don't do it again.

BOBBYRight.

(She stares at him for a beat, then heads for the bar.)

POLLYHey, Harry, get me a drink so I can clean my lips!

(HARRY, the bartender, slides a bottle down the length ofthe bar, Western-style, and POLLY catches it easily. Shetakes a slug and moseys away. BOBBY is impressed. Imitatingher, he walks to the bar.)

BOBBY (Tough guy; to HARRY:)

Make that two.(HARRY slides a bottle to BOBBY, who puts out his hand andmisses. The bottle slides off the end of the bar andcrashes.)

BOBBY:I'll have another.

(Same routine. BOBBY misses again and the bottle crashes.)

BOBBY:.One for the road.



(As HARRY slams a bottle onto the bar, BOBBY jumps on thebar and grabs it.)

POLLYYou ain't from around here, are ya?

(BOBBY, still showing off, slides off the bar and drinksfrom the bottle. For a second, he doesn't react. Then hestares at the bottle in shock.)

BOBBY (Hardly able to speak - a squeak:):That's a little strong:

POLLYStrong? We got thirty-year-old cows who pass water

stronger'n this stuff.

BOBBYMy God, you're beautiful. You're like the Venus deMilo! :Except for your arms.

(POLLY is suddenly conscious of her arms and puts thembehind her back.)

I-I-I mean, you have arms:

POLLY: Mister, it's been real nice talking' to ya.

BOBBYDon't go!

POLLYMaybe I'll see ya again some time. In a rocket ship orsomethin'.

5. Could You Use Me?

BOBBYHave some pity on an Easterner;

Show a little sympathy.No one possibly could be sternerThan you have been with me.There's a job that I'm applying for -Let me put it to you thus:It's a partnership I'm dying for -Mr. and Mrs. Us.Before you file it on the shelfLet me tell you of myself:

(By this time, he's got her to the table.)

Oh, I'm the chappie



To make you happy;I'll tie your shoes-iesAnd chase your blues-ies;

Oh, lady would you -Oh, tell me, could you use me?

POLLYNo night Iife for you;The birds would bore you;The cows won't know you;A horse would throw you;You silly man, you,To ask me, "Can you use me?"

BOBBYDo you realize what a good man

You're getting in me?I'm no Elk or Mason or WoodmanWho gets home at three.

POLLYYour ties are freakish;Your knees are weakish;Go back to flappersAnd high-balI lappers.Though you can use meI most certainly can't use you!

(BOBBY pursues POLLY around the saloon, then out into thestreet. Last word of song is an elision with first note ofnext musical number.)

Scene Five

Main Street & Desert, Deadrock, Nevada. The song iscontinuous. During the song - and dance - evening falls.

5 (cont'd). Shall We Dance?

BOBBY

Drop that long face! Come on, have your fling!Why keep nursing the blues?If you want this old world on a string,Put on your dancing shoes -Stop wasting time!Put on your dancing shoes -Watch your spirits climb.

Shall we dance, or keep on moping?Shall we dance, and walk on air?Shall we give into despair -Or shall we dance with never a care?



Life is short; we're growing older.Don't you be an also-ran.You'd better dance, little lady!

Dance, little man!Dance whenever you can!

(At first, POLLY's a reluctant partner; she just won'tdance with him. But soon she starts enjoying herself, andBOBBY and POLLY begin whirling through the street - thenthe desert - like Fred and Ginger. In the course of thenumber, POLLY falls deeply in love with him. Towards theend of the number BOBBY kisses a now-willing POLLY.)

BOBBY:WOW!!

(The dance ends, and we go to blackout.)

5a. SCENE CHANGE: Shall We Dance? - Music Box

(Music fades out under opening dialogue of next scene.)

Scene Six

Stage of the Gaiety Theater, continuous. The scene beginsin total darkness. Out of the void, we hear BOBBY's voice.

BOBBY'S VOICEPolly? :Polly?! :. OW!(He's bumped into something.)Polly, where are you?!!

(Suddenly, the lights come up. POLLY is at the side of thestage, having just turned the lights on, and we see thetheater for the first time. It's a masterpiece ofVictoriana, covered with dust and in a woeful state ofdisrepair. On the stage are a few old props and flats and atrunk of costumes. BOBBY looks around, dumbfounded.)

BOBBYOh, my God, just look at this place!

POLLY (proudly:)It's somethin', huh?

BOBBYIt's incredible!

POLLYWhen I was a little thing, I'd watch all the big shows. Thelights, the music:

BOBBY



I've never seen anything like it. What's it doing inDeadrock?

POLLYThis here was a pretty big town about fifty years ago. Thenthe mines ran out and most people just kinda got up andleft.

BOBBY (finding parts of costumes in the trunk)Look at this stuff! Oh, my God! You can't let the bank takethis place!

POLLYHow do you know about it?

BOBBYWell, I-I-I couldn't help overhearing on the street, and :

(Pause. BOBBY suddenly has a revelation He looks around thetheater, then says quietly:)

BOBBYWait a second. I've got an idea!

POLLYAbout what?!

BOBBY (pulling on a costume jacket and grabbing a fedora.)I know what to do!

POLLYWhat the hell are you talkin' about?!

BOBBYIt's simple! All we have to do to save this place is just :put on a show. Here in the theater. That'll raise all themoney you need to pay off the mortgage!

POLLY: Just put on a show?

BOBBYRight.

POLLYIn here?

BOBBYRight!

POLLYIs everybody this stupid back East, or are you just special?



BOBBYWell, why not?! Don't you ever go to the movies? MickeyRooney does it all the time! : Look. The guys in the bar

can sing, I heard them! And-and-and I could bring dancers,from Zangler's Follies! They're my friends! They'd come ina second! They're on vacation!

POLLY (suddenly excited:): Ya mean Bela Zangler?!

BOBBYYeah.

POLLYDad's talked about him! Do you know him?!

BOBBYDo I know him. Are you kidding? We're like..(Putting the index fingers of his hands together, thenpulling them apart)this.

POLLYD'ya think he'd come out here and put on a show?! I mean,if ya asked him?!

BOBBY (Nodding his head yes):No.

(POLLY turns away, disappointed.)

But we don't need him! I can do it, I promise!

(No answer.)

Polly, please. Let me try it. I could accomplish something.And this theater, just imagine, giving it a whole new life!

POLLY:I guess we can try it.

(BOBBY shouts with joy.)BOBBYI'll call the girls first thing in the morning! Hey! Watchthis!

(He does a tap flourish - the same one he did for Zangler -and ends up with a slam literally nose-to-nose with Polly.)

POLLY (in pain:):You're standin' on my foot.

BOBBY



I'm sorry! Darn!

POLLY

That's okay. It sure is nice of you to help like this. Imean, we hardly know each other.(Extending her hand.)I'm Polly Baker.

BOBBYI'm bobby Child.

(A beat, then POLLY suddenly goes pale.)

POLLYWhat?

BOBBYBobby Child.

POLLYFrom New York City?

BOBBYRight.

(SLAP! POLLY slaps BOBBY across the face, sending himreeling backward.)

BOBBYWhat did I do?

POLLYYou're from that bank!

BOBBYYeah. Well, I can explain that -

POLLYYou're here to take our theater, ain't ya? This is a trick!

BOBBY

No, it's not!POLLYHow could ya do this to me?!

BOBBYPolly, you're wrong -

POLLYYou and your singin' and your dancin' and your : BelaZanglers!

BOBBY



I can save this theater!

POLLY (deeply hurt, her eyes full of tears:)

Just GO AWAY!!POLLY(She hurries to the wings; turns and says quietly:)And don't you ever let me catch you talkin' to me again.

(She hurries off.)

BOBBYPolly - !

(She's gone. BOBBY wanders across the stage, his dreamsshattered. He says to himself:)

"You and your singing and your dancing and your:"

(Music for next number begins with an underscore, a sadstrain of "Things Are Looking Up." Suddenly, BOBBY looks up.He has an idea. Could it really work?)

BOBBY (to himself:): Bela Zangler.(He looks around the theater :)Bela Zangler!!(Using Zangler's accent and striking a pos with a cane.)"Vell, vell, vell. Girls! It is time ve pay visit toDeadrock, Nevada, ya?!

(Blackout, followed by the sound of a train gaining speed,then the vamping beat of the GIRLS' arrival in Deadrock.)

Scene Seven

Main street, Deadrock, three days later, morning. As thedawn is breaking, THE FOLLIES GIRLS enter from the desert(in silhouette) to the hot, jazzy rhythm of "I'll Build aStairway to Paradise." Windows and doors fly open, as THECOWBOYS come out to see what's happening - and join in the

number. By the end of the number, all the COWBOYS are onthe street. POLLY and LANK have also entered.

6. Girls Enter Nevada (Bronco Busters)

THE FOLLIES GIRLSIt's wonderful to breeze around,They seem to have real trees around,And of the open spaces there's no doubt -No doubt! No doubt!This is the life that Riley told about.

In town we used to fret away



Until we made our getawayOut here where there's no doubt that men are men,Where men are men!

We don't care if we don't go east again.

We haven't missed old Broadway or the white lights -When the moon at night lights -That's the best of bright lights.

TESSAll right, girls. Let's show 'em how we do it.

(Dance break - to "K-ra-zy For You.")

THE BOYS THE FOLLIES GIRLSIn town they used to fret away In-town-

Until they made their getaway we-did-Out here where there's no fret-Doubt that men are men, awayWhere men are men! In town we used to fret awayThey don't care if they Until we made our getawayDon't go east again. We don't care if we don't go eastagain

(The music segues back into "I'll Build a Stairway toParadise," as BOBBY - masquerading as BELA ZANGLER - makeshis entrance. He has Zangler's clothes, beard, moustache,and accent. He carries a cane ad smokes a cigar. He doesn'thave the same confidence, though; and during the number, heconfers hurriedly with TESS and PATSY to make sure that helooks all right. By the end of the number, he's ready tostart - and climbs to the top of a stairway made of theGIRLS' suitcases.)

ALLOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO AH!

BOBBYGood morning, good morning, good morning. Dis is Deadrock,Nevada, ya?

THE COWBOYSYA!

BOBBYExcellent. I am looking, please, for a Miss Polly Baker.

POLLYI'm Polly Baker! What's goin' on?!

BOBBYPermit me to introduce myself. My name is Bela Zangler.

POLLY (IN SHOCK)



: Get outta here! Are you really :Bela Zangler? I mean,what are you doin' here?

BOBBYI am saving theater!

LANKWhat?!

BOBBYI am getting a call three days ago from very good friend ofmine. Bobby Child.(Confidentially:)By the vay, he is a vonderful boy. You should get to knowhim.

POLLYHe did say you were friends.

BOBBYFriends? Ve are like(Puts his index fingers together, then pulls them apart.)this!

POLLYThat's just what he said!

BOBBYI'm not surprised. So. Vhen do ve start? Ve have a show toput on, ya?

THE COWBOYSYA!

LANKI don't believe one word of this.

BOBBYVhich vord is that?

LANK

Something smells fishy to me.JIMMYI think it's Moose.

(Everyone looks at MOOSE, who checks his underarms, thennods his head "yes." At this moment, EVERETT comes out ofthe theater, suspecting nothing. He sees BOBBY and stopsdead.)

EVERETTOh, my goodness!



(Going up to him.)

Mr. : Zangler?

BOBBYYou know me :?

EVERETTI've seen your picture in Variety a hundred times! What areyou doing here?!

POLLYHe came to help, so we can pay the bank.

EVERETTThis is miraculous!

LANKThis is ridiculous!

POLLYLank!

BOBBYI am insulted!(A gasp from the crowd.)Do you vant me to put on show or not? I am busy man!

EVERYONEOf course we do! Don't listen to him! You must do it! (etc.)

BOBBY (cutting them off abruptly:)YOP! : Okay. I do it.

EVERYONEThat's wonderful! This is thrilling! (etc.)

BOBBY (cutting them off abruptly:)YOP! : Girls! To vork!

(He points to the theater and THE GIRLS head inside.)

THE GIRLSYes, Mr. Zangler. Of course, Mr. Zangler.

PATSY (aloud to BOBBY as she passes him:)Bobby!

(He tries to shush her.)

You're doin' a wonderful job! You're so life-like!

(BOBBY rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, LANK pulls out his gun,walks up to BOBBY, and pushes it under his nose.)



LANKMister. Do you see this gun?

BOBBYYa?

LANKIt tends to have a mind of its own.

(BOBBY looks at the gun; then at LANK.)

BOBBYVun out of two ain't bad.

LANK

That isn't funny!

POLLYLank!

LANKMister, I want you out of this town in twenty-four hours!(He exits.)

EVERETT (to BOBBY:)How I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage.Standing there behind the footlights:

POLLYMr. Zangler? If you really can save this place, I:well, Iguess I'm gonna be mighty grateful.

(She shakes his hand.)

BOBBY:Let's hope so, ya?

(BOBBY kisses the back of her hand, European style, thenturns to the boys.)

BOBBYSo. Who vould like to audition?(No response.)To be in show.(No response.):to vork with girls.

COWBOYS (erupting immediately:)Yes sir! O-kay! Now you're talkin'!

(THE COWBOYS race into the theater, whooping and hollering.BOBBY exits with them. EVERETT hangs back for a word withPOLLY.)



EVERETTNow that's the kind of man you should marry.

POLLYDad, would ya cut it out! :When I'm ready to get married,I'll let ya know.

EVERETTBy that time, you'll have to contact me through a medium.

(EVERETT exits into the theater. POLLY is alone on thestreet. It's quiet now. She looks around, and suddenlyfeels lonely.)

7. Someone to Watch Over Me

POLLYThere's a saying oldSays that love is blind -Still we're often told,"Seek and ye shall find."So I'm going to seekA certain lad I've had in mind.

Looking everywhere,Haven't found him yet;He's the big affair I cannot forget.Only man I ever think of with regret.

I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb.

There's a somebody I'm longing to seeI hope that he turns out to beSomeone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.I know I could always be goodTo one who'll watch over me.

Although he may not be the man someGirls think of as handsomeTo my heart he carries the key.

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed -?Follow my lead -Oh! How I needSomeone to watch over me.Someone to watch over me.

(The music seques to the next number.)

Scene Eight



Lobby of the Gaiety Theater, two weeks later, mid-morning.There's a door to the street, and double doors at the back

leading into the auditorium. To one side, there's a ticketcounter, now used for the post office. Behind it is atelephone switchboard. As the set moves into place and thelights come up, various GIRLS and COWBOYS carry a bassfiddle into the theater. Some of the GIRLS stay in thelobby and start dusting and painting. There is a generalrefurbishment going on.

8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass

Meanwhile, the COWBOY TRIO is rehearsing with PATSY, who'steaching them a dance step. MINGO is dancing with SAM, andMOOSE is dancing with PATSY. It isn't going too well.

[NOTE: This scene can be played at the top of Scene Nine,in which case the action moves continuously from the end ofthis scene into the beginning of what is designated asScene Nine.)]

PATSY & THE TRIOStep, zoom, step, step,Step, zoom, step, step,Step, zoom, step, step -

(PATSY, exasperated, finally yells, "NO----!" Music anddancing stop TESS looks at the "rehearsal." It's unbearablyawful.)

TESSWell, that looks terr:.ific.

PATSYThanks.

TESSMaybe you'd better work on the Act One finale.

PATSYRight.

TESSI'll go help Zangler with the rehearsal.

(TESS exits into the theater, still amazed at the BOYS'clumsiness.)

PATSYOkay, fellas. Smile!

(They turn on big smiles; PATSY calls out her instructions:)

Now:



Hands out, hands together, hands on head.Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.

(The COWBOYS put their hands on PATSY's chest.)

PATSYNot my chest. Your chest!

THE BOYSRight. Right. Let's try it again! One more time!

PATSYOne more time:

(She takes a giant step backwards - and is about to start

again, when POLLY enters from the street. Simultaneouslythe phone starts ringing.)

THE BOYS'Morning', Polly.

POLLYDon't forget, rehearsal in ten minutes!

MINGOAnother rehearsal? Heck, I've been ready for a whole week!

(PATSY and THE BOYS exit to the theater.)

POLLY (plugging into a phone line at the switchboard.)Gaiety Theater and U.S. Post office. The show openstomorrow night at eight o'clock. Just get off at thejunction, then it's about an hour's walk. :.Hello? :.Hello?!

(LANK enters, as POLLY disconnects and goes to work,putting up a poster.)

LANKWell, well, well. The busy bee is hard at work.

POLLYLank, this here's a theater and a post office. You can buya ticket or a stamp. Otherwise, go back to your saloon.

LANKPolly, you are wasting your time! The show is doomed. Doyou honestly think that anyone is going to pay good moneyto see a bunch of singing numbskulls?

(He opens the doors to the auditorium, and we hear theawful rehearsal continuing: "Hands out, hands together,hands on head:" As he closes the door, PETE enters from thestreet.)



PETE'Mornin', Polly.

POLLY'Mornin', Pete.

LANKNow what does this man know about the theater? Hmm?

POLLYLay off him, Lank.

LANK (putting his arm around PETE)Perhaps you would tell us, sir, your views of thecontemporary American stage.

PETE:Heck, I dunno.

LANK"Heck, I don't know." I'd say that's fairly trenchant.

PETEI s'pose you could say that : Eugene O'Neill is justbeginnin' to explore the symbolism o Greek tragedy.(A beat, then:)O' course, the realism of Anton Chekhov is still a prettyimportant influence.(A beat, then:)And then there's Stanislavsky -

LANK (putting his hand over Pete's mouth)Thank you!

(POLLY, pleased with herself, heads for the street.)

POLLY'Bye, Lank.

LANK

Polly, get back here - ! :.POLLY!!(She's gone.)

PETEHeadstrong, ain't she?(A beat, then:)Kind reminds me of that gal in King Lear:

(LANK makes a lunge for PETE, who escapes into the theater.)

LANK (pulling out his gun)I'll stop this show if it's the last thing I ever do!



(At which point, the lobby opens out into the stage of thetheater, and LANK is engulfed by waltzing COWBOYS.)

Scene Nine

Stage of the Gaiety Theater, continuous. The FOLLIES GIRLSare busy refurbishing the theater - repainting theproscenium, climbing ladders, hanging lights, etc.Meanwhile, BOBBY (as ZANGLER) is teaching the COWBOYS adance routine.

8. INCIDENTAL: Rehearsal - Slap That Bass

Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,

Step, zoom, step, step, up, down, up, down,And one two three four five six -

(The COWBOYS are dancing with each other, and none of themis exactly Fred Astaire. MOOSE, in particular, is a trulyterrible dancer. As the rehearsal deteriorates, and thenoise of the repairs gets worse and worse, BOBBY can't takeit any longer.)

BOBBYVould you stop already! STOP!!(Silence.)I never seen such a mess!(To MOOSE:)You Nijinski. Come over here.

MOOSE(Going to BOBBY)The name is Moose.

BOBBY

Okay, Moose. I got good news and bad news.MOOSEOh yeah? What's the bad news?

BOBBYYou vill not be dancing in this number.

MOOSEOh. What's the good news?

BOBBYYou vill not be dancing in this number.



MOOSE (Down-hearted:)

Okay.

(EVERYONE moans for MOOSE.)

BOBBYVait, vait, vait!(He looks around and spots a bass fiddle, which MITZI ispolishing.)Hold your horse, I got idea. Come here, big fella. You playwith this.

(He takes the bass, hands it to MOOSE and walks away. MOOSEputs the bass on his knee and strums it like a guitar and

starts singing "Bidin' My Time" with some of the othercowboys.)

BOBBYNo no no!(He takes the bass.)Here. You vatch me. Like this.(He plucks out a rhythm, and hands it back to Moose.)Now you try it. You're gonna be Jascha Heifetz of the OldVest.

9. Slap That Bass

(BOBBY walks away:and MOOSE starts to play, getting betterand better, soon ably plucking out the same jazzy rhythmthat BOBBY just played. BOBBY looks at him with surprise.He has an idea. He then looks at TESS and PATSY, who havethe same idea. Based on the rhythm being plucked by MOOSE,BOBBY teaches the BOYS a number - "Slap That Bass." Duringthe number, the BOYS progress from sheer klutziness to asurprising level of accomplishment and enthusiasm - allthanks to BOBBY. The GIRLS join in. POLLY wanders throughthe number, carrying a costume that needs sewing, thenwatches the rest of it from a perch on a ladder. During thenumber, we see her watching BOBBY/ZANGLER with admiration.)

BOBBY (as ZANGLER)Zoom - zoom, zoom - zoom,The world is in a mess.With politics and taxesAnd people grinding axes,There's no happinessZoom - zoom, zoom - zoom,Rhythm lead your ace!The future doesn't fret meIf I can only get meSomeone to slap that bass



PETEHappiness is not a riddleWhen I'm listening to that big bass fiddle.

BOBBYSlap that bass -

PATSYSlap it till it's dizzy.


TESSKeep the rhythm busy.

TESS & PATSYZoom, zoom, zoom -Misery - You got to go.


TESS, PATSY, WYATT & JIMMYUse it like a tonic.


THE COMPANYKeep your Philharmonic.Zoom, zoom, zoom -And the milk and honey will flow!

SAM & MINGODictators would be better offIf they zoom-zoomed now and then;

GIRLSZoom, Zoom, Zoom!

PETEToday you can see that the happiest of men

GIRLSOh!

THE COMPANYAll got rhythm.

TESS & PATSY BOYSIn which case, BOOM - BOOM, BOOMIf you want to bubble - BOOM - BOOM, BOOM



BOBBY BOOM - BOOM, BOOMSlap that bass; BOOM - BOOM.Slap away your trouble.

THE COMPANYLearn to zoom, zoom, zoom -Slap that bass!

(Vocal scat section - 12 bars a cappella.)

BOYS (Bass)Boom, Boom,Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,

(Bass - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (Alto)Zoom, Zoom,

Zoom, Zoom,

(Bass & Alto - Repeat, Add:) BOYS (Tenor)Zoodledy Doodledy Boom, BoomBoom, Boom.

(Bass, Tenor & Alto - Repeat, Add:) GIRLS (Soprano)Boomity Bangity Zing, Zing,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,

(Tenor, Soprano & Alto - Repeat) BOYS (Bass)Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,

FULL COMPANYZoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom,Zoom!

(Dance Break)

BOYS(JIMMY, WYATT, BILLY, SAM, CUSTUS & PETE)Hands out, hands together, hands on head.

Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.

COMPANYDictators would be better offIf they zoom-zoomed now and thenToday you can see that the happiest menAll got rhythm

All got rhythm

In which case,If you want to bubble



Slap that bassSlap away your troubleLearn to zoom zoom zoom

Slap that bass!!

(When the number's over, the BOYS and GIRLS hoot withtriumph. They've really accomplished something.)

BOBBYOkay, voce more from the top.

(The COMPANY groans.)

That vas joke! Lunch, lunch, lunch!

(The COMPANY disperses.)

TESS (To BOBBY:)Not too shabby, kiddo!

(TESS exits - at which point, IRENE enters, carrying asuitcase. She's obviously just arrived in town. BOBBY,looking the other way, doesn't see her enter.)

IRENEExcuse me. I'm looking for someone named Bobby Child.

(BOBBY turns and sees her - and panics.)

BOBBY(Trying to get away, covering his face with a towel.)I have not seen him lately. Maybe you should try Vyoming.

IRENE: BOBBY!!

BOBBY(Dropping the towel; in his own voice:)Irene. Hi:

IRENEWhat the hell are you doing?!

BOBBYWell, I-I-I-I-I I'm putting on a show. I'm Bela Zangler.

IRENEYou look like Karl Marx. :Why in God's name would you dressup like some idiot in the middle of Nevada -?!

(At which point, POLLY runs in with some flyers and hurriesup to BOBBY, flushed with excitement.)



POLLYMr. Zangler?(To IRENE)

Hi. Excuse me.(To BOBBY, with adoration)I just gotta tell ya, I mean, what you're doing' here, it'slike a miracle!

(She kisses him.)

BOBBYThank you :

POLLYI'll be back in a minute. I gotta get these flyers off toSky bluff!

(She hurries off into the wings.)

BOBBY(Calling to her:)Take your time!

IRENE:I should have known.

BOBBYIrene -

IRENEYou're doing this for her!

BOBBYWell, not exactly -

IRENEBobby! I saw that revolting look in your eyes. Like a cowwho needs milking.

BOBBYIrene - !

IRENEAnd I'm sure she'd love to hear all about the real you.

BOBBYHey. Come on! You wouldn't do that!

IRENEWe are leaving here tomorrow morning.

BOBBYJust one sec -



IRENE(Grabbing him by the lapels.)Bobby, you are talking to a frustrated woman!

BOBBYI can se that -

(She kisses him on the lips. He struggles in vain, as POLLYhurries in.)

POLLYMr. Zangl - :Oh. Sorry.

BOBBY(Disengaging himself from IRENE)Polly:Polly:Polly: Ve have a visitor.

(To IRENE:)Polly is only voman living in Deadrock.

IRENEI guess that's why she looks so tired.

BOBBYPolly, this is a very old friend of min.

POLLYWell, she sure moves good for her age.

IRENEMy age? I suppose you just had your coming-out party.

POLLYOh, I never had a comin'-out party. I never even knew whatthe word meant till I saw that dress of yours.

IRENEWould you like to borrow it?

POLLYWell, not till I'm buried.

BOBBY(To IRENE:)She vas making a joke:

IRENEI suppose it must look rather odd to you, not having anyleather fringe on it.

POLLYThat's okay. Your hair kinda makes up for it.

BOBBYI just knew you two vould be good friends.



(By which time, LANK has entered.)

LANKExcuse me. Mr. Zangler? May I speak with you for a moment?

BOBBY:.Ya?

(LANK grabs BOBBY roughly by the shirt-front.)

LANKListen, you! I want you out of here on the next train!

BOBBYYou don't like show?

LANKNo I don't like show. And I don't like you hanging aroundmy woman all day!

BOBBYYou vould prefer all night?(LANK shakes him hard.)Ow!

LANKMaybe you'd better take a look at something.(He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a piece ofpaper.)Read that.

BOBBY:It's a vedding license.

LANKHave I made my intentions clear enough for you?

BOBBYI guess so, but: I just don't vant to marry you.

LANKYou are close to an idiot!

(BOBBY looks at him : then takes a giant step away.)

LANKThat isn't funny.

BOBBYFine. Now leave my theater.

LANKI'm warning you, Zangler - !



BOBBYGet out of here! Now! I am busy man!!

LANKYou haven't seen the end of me!

BOBBYIf it's like the front, I don't vant to see it!

IRENE(to LANK)Excuse me. You don't by chance have a hotel in this town?

LANK(Sensing a rich customer)Well. As a matter of fact, I own that beautiful hotel,

right next door.

IRENEGood. Can you give a room and a bath?

LANK (Offended)Madam, I can give you a room, but you'll have to take yourown bath.

(LANK exits. IRENE gives BOBBY a look and exits with hersuitcase.)

BOBBYPolly, ve have important talk now, ya?

POLLYSure. What's up?

BOBBYI vant to speak to you about Bobby Child.

POLLYOh, him.

BOBBY

Polly, he is a vonderful boy. Handsome. Talented. Brave.POLLYI ain't even seen him for days. Which is lucky for him!

BOBBYPolly, he has told me, he is : crazy for you.

POLLYWell, I can't help that. I'm already spoken for.

BOBBY: You are?!



POLLYYeah. In my heart, anyway.

BOBBYIt is that : Lank person, ya?(Music starts under for next number.)I tell you, I don't like him! He is totally wrong for you - !

POLLYIt isn't Lank!

BOBBY: Moose?

POLLY (Sighs)You just don't understand anything, do ya?

10. Embraceable you

POLLYDozens of men would storm upI had to lock my doorSomehow I couldn't warm upTo one before

BOBBYPete : Sam?

POLLYWhat was it that controlled me?What kept my love-life lean?

BOBBY(Counting off the men on his fingers)Lank, Moose, Pete, Sam...

POLLYMy intuition told meYou'd come on the scene

BOBBY:Me?!

POLLY(Putting his hand on her heart.)Mister, listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat,

BOBBYUh oh.

POLLY



And you'll know just what I mean.

BOBBY

Polly, you are making big mistake here - !

POLLYEmbrace me,My sweet embraceable you,

BOBBYI think ve gotta talk about this -

POLLYEmbrace me,My irreplaceable you

BOBBYThis is not vhat I vas planning -

POLLYJust one look at you -- my heart grew tipsy in me.

(She strokes the side of his head, and he screams for fearof his wig moving.)

BOBBYNo no no no no no no no!!

POLLYYou and you alone bring out the gypsy in me.

BOBBYThat's because I am Hungarian -

POLLY(Getting very hot now:)I love all the many charms about you;

BOBBYYou are making big joke now, ya -?

POLLYAbove all I want my arms about you!

BOBBYOkay. It's not a joke:

POLLYDon't be a naughty babyCome to Polly -- come to Polly -- do!My sweet embraceable you.



(As the refrain plays in the orchestra, she takes him inher arms and begins to dance with him around the stage.He's fighting his impulse to give in to her.)

BOBBYNow just imagine if I vas Bobby.

POLLYYou dance even better than he does.

BOBBYNo, I don't think so:

(They continue to dance.)

POLLY

In your arms I find love so delectable, dear,I'm afraid it isn't quite respectable, dear,

But hang it --Come on, let's glorify love!Ding dang it!You'll shout "Encore!" if I love.

Don't be a naughty baby,Come to Polly -- come to Polly -- do!

(Finally, he comes to her.)

Polly and BobbyMy sweet embraceable...

(As they kiss, the music swells. They kiss passionately, asthe lights change, and the next scene erupts around them.Music segues on applause.)

Scene Ten

Backstage of the Gaiety Theater, Saturday night, about 7

o'clock. We see two dressing rooms in cutaway - one for theGIRLS and one for the BOYS - separated by a corridor downthe middle. In and around the dressing rooms, the GIRLS andthe BOYS are getting ready for the show - putting on makeup,pulling on costumes, etc. There an opening night atmosphereof excitement and anticipation.

11. Tonight's the Night

BOYSHands out, hands together, hands on head.Hands out, hands together, hands on hips.Hands out, hands together, hands on chest.



THE COMPANYI've just got a feeling

Tonight's the night!Let's tear down the ceiling --Tonight's the night!Take the chain and ball off,For now on I'm free;

This is where I fall offThe family tree.There's no fun in being an angel child --I hear the call of the wildIf the worst should happen, it serves me right,Tonight's the night.

(The music continues as an underscore.)

CUSTUSOpening night! Gal-darn, this is fun! I ain't seen so muchexcitement around here since my horse foaled.

PATSYWow! It must be hard to fold a horse!

(The music comes up, then goes down again, as POLLY hurriesthrough the BOYS' dressing room, handing out programs.BOBBY (as BOBBY) is pursuing her.)

BOBBYPolly, would you listen to me?! It's about Zangler!

POLLYOf all the times for you to show up -!

(They get to the corridor.)

BOBBYYou kissed him, didn't you?!

(This stops her.)

POLLY:Have you been spyin' on us?!

BOBBYOf course not! He : he-he-he told me!

POLLYYa know, I'm not surprised that you are jealous of him.

BOBBYJealous - ?!



POLLYThe man is a do-er, Bobby. He has accomplished things. Heis just so full of energy and vision -!

(She starts to go.)

BOBBYPolly, you are falling in love with the wrong man!!

(POLLY exits into the GIRLS' Dressing Room, leaving BOBBYin the corridor.)

BOBBYWhy am I so much better as Zangler?!

(BOBBY exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room - evoking

screams of protest. The music comes up and then goes downagain. At this moment, EVERETT heads through the BOYS'Dressing Room, pursued by LANK. LANK is carrying a suitcasefull of money. They reach the corridor:)

LANKEverett, would you listen to me!

EVERETTI'm not interested.

LANK(Opening the case to give EVERETT a look, then snapping itshut.)Three hundred dollars if you call off the show -

EVERETTKeep your money, Lank.

LANK(Pulling out even more money.)All right, four hundred!

EVERETTInvest in something. Start a --- casino.

LANKDon't be stupid! Who would come to Nevada to gamble?!

(EVERETT exits through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, causingscreams, leaving LANK in the corridor. The music comes up,then goes down again. At this moment, IRENE storms throughthe BOYS' Dressing Room, catching some of the BOYS withtheir pants down.)

THE BOYS(Covering themselves; embarrassed:)Hey, lady! What are ya doin?! Would you get outta here!



(IRENE enters the corridor and sees LANK.)

IRENEHave you seen "Zangler"?! He's been avoiding me all day!

LANKMadam, that is your problem.

IRENEIt's both our problems! If the show succeeds, you couldlose Polly and I could lose Bobby!

LANKWho's Bobby?

IRENEZangler!

LANK"Bobby Zangler?"

IRENEHis name is "Child!"

LANK"Child Zangler?"

IRENENo, you idiot! Zangler is Child!

LANKWell, he certainly acts grown up.

IRENEYou are so stupid!!

LANKI'm stupid - ?!!

(They exit arguing. The music comes up.)

ALLThere's no fun in being an angel child;I hear the call of the wild.

(Music goes down again, as JIMMY, holding binoculars, runsinto the GIRLS' Dressing Room and shouts over "train" vamp:)

JIMMYHold it everybody! I spotted some people comin', straightfrom the station!



(The BOYS run out through the GIRLS' Dressing Room, as theGIRLS finish the song.)

THE GIRLSIf the worst should happen, it serves me right -Tonight's the night!

(As they sing, the dressing rooms slide off and the scenechanges.)

Scene Eleven

Main Street, Deadrock, immediately following. As the songfades away, IRENE and LANK are coming out of the theater,still arguing, followed by POLLY and EVERETT, then the rest

of the cast. A large banner over the theater reads:"ZANGLER FOLLIES".

IRENEFor God's sake, do something!

LANKWould you stop nagging! I am not your husband!

IRENEIf you were my husband, I'd kill myself.

LANKQuick! Find a minister!

IRENEI did not come here to be insulted!

LANKOh? Where do you usually go?!

(LANK and IRENE exit into the saloon.)

POLLYOh, Dad. Where's Bela?! He should be here for this!

(Calling into the saloon.)Bela!

(BOBBY hurries out as ZANGLER, still pulling his coat on.)

BOBBYI vas just upstairs, talking to Bobby -

POLLYNot now!

BOBBY



He is just so full of energy and vision! He is a do-er,Polly! He has accomplished things -!

(POLLY gives BOBBY a kiss.)

POLLYThat's for luck.

(At this moment, JIMMY calls down from the roof of thetheater.)

JIMMYHere they come!! They're roundin' the bend!

(A cheer from the cast. IRENE and LANK come out of thesaloon to watch. A beat, then for a moment, no one appears.

Then, from the desert, EUGENE and PATRICIA - a chirpyEnglish couple in their mid-30's - stride into view. Theyseasoned travelers, and the walk from the station hasn'ttired them a bit. THEY see the assembled COMPANY and smileaffably.)

EUGENEHallo.

PATRICIAGood evening.

EUGENEIs this Deadrock, Nevada?

WYATTIt sure is.

EUGENEJolly good.

POLLYWhere's everybody else?

PATRICIA

Everyone else?POLLYFrom the train!

PATRICIAI didn't see anyone else on the train, did you, dear?

EUGENEOh, now wait. There was that rather older gentleman. Weleft the poor chap somewhere in the desert.

PATRICIA



Frankly, I'm not sure he'll make it.(They laugh at this.)

TESSYou mean there's just the two of you?

EUGENEI'm afraid so. Is that a problem.

(Stunned silence. Everyone just looks at each other.)

POLLY (Bravely:):No. No, that's okay. I guess you want to buy your ticketsnow.

EUGENE

Tickets?

POLLYTo see the show!

(She points at the COMPANY and they strike a pose.)

THE COMPANYTa da!

PATRICIAOh, dear.

EUGENEI'm afraid we're not here to see a stage show.

POLLYYou're not?

EUGENEOh, no no no. You see, we're writing a sort of guide bookto the American West.

PATRICIAWe hope to do a series of them.

EUGENE(Extending his hand.)The name is Fodor. I'm Eugene. This is Patricia.

PATRICIA(Consulting her notes.)Now let's see. We're here to review the ... "Lank HawkinsSaloon bar, Hotel and Restaurant."

(A beat, then LANK comes forward.)

LANK



Well, well, well! How do you do. Lank Hawkins. Proprietorof the said establishment.

PATRICIAOh, lucky us!

EUGENEAre we still in time for dinner, Mr. Hawkins?

LANKAbsolument. Bien soor.(He leads them to the saloon.)Entrez.

(The FODORS exit.)

LANK (to BOBBY:)The clouds part, and justice reigneth supreme.

(LANK laughs with delight and exits into the saloon. IRENEfollows him in. For a moment, there's dead silence. Theentire COMPANY has hit rock bottom. POLLY is ready to cry.)

CUSTUS: I can't believe it. After all the rehearsin'.

PETEMaybe some people are comin' by car.

EVERETTNo. No. I wouldn't count on it.

(Long pause.)

BOBBY (Quietly:)I believe I owe you all : a very big apology, ya?

EVERETT (Heartbroken:):. No. No. It's not your fault.

BOBBY

But it is, I'm afraid. I put on show, raise your hopes, anddo not sell for you a single ticket.(Pause; to POLLY:)I am truly sorry.

(BOBBY, stricken, heads slowly for the saloon.)

POLLYNow wait a second! So what if we didn't sell any tickets?That doesn't mean we're a failure.

BOBBYIn the theater business, it's a pretty good indication.



POLLYWell, not out here it ain't. I mean, look at all you've

given us. Just look around! Before you came along, we werenothin' but a bunch of:lazy drifters. We didn't do anything!Then you showed up and : somethin' magical happened. We'vebeen workin' together, and carin' about things and feelin'alive!

12. I Got Rhythm

POLLYDays can be sunny, with never a sigh,Don't need what money can buy.Birds in the tree sing their dayful of song.Why shouldn't we sing along?

I'm chipper all the day,Happy with my lot.How did I get that way?Look at what I've got.

I got rhythm,I got music,I got my man --Who could ask for anything more?

I got daisiesIn green pastures,I got my man --Who could ask for anything more?

I got daisiesIn green pastures,I got my man --Who could ask for anything more?

Old man trouble,I don't mind him --You won't find him'Round my door

I got starlight,I got sweet dreams,I got my man --Who could ask for anything more --Who could ask for anything more?!

JUNIORI got rhythm

CUSTUSI got music,



POLLYI got my man --

JUNIOR AND CUSTUSWho could ask for anything more?

PETEI got daisies

WYATTIn green pastures

POLLYI got my man --

JUNIOR, CUSTUS, PETE AND WYATT

Who could ask for anything more?

POLLY COMPANYOld man trouble, Oooh-I don't mind him --You won't find him Ooooh -Hangin' 'round my front or back door.

EVERETTI got starlight

WYATTI got sweet dreams

POLLYI got my man --Who could ask for anything more?

THE BOYSWho could ask for anything more?!

(Dance break.)

12-I Dance Part One: I Got Rhythm - Polly & Company

THE COMPANYOld man trouble,I don't mind himYou won't find him Polly'Round my door

THE COMPANY POLLYI got rhythm, Oh...I got music,I got my man --Who could ask for anything more?I got daisies Oh...



In green pasturesI got my man --Who could ask for anything more?

(Dance break)

12-II Dance Part two: I Got Rhythm - Company

(A pause before the final lines - when out of the desert,exhausted and limping, BELA ZANGLER enters Deadrock,carrying a suitcase.)

ZANGLERVater:.Vater:.

(No one sees him, or hears him above the music, and he

collapses to the ground in a dead faint, as the COMPANYsings the final lines at the top of their lungs:)

Who could ask for anything more?!Who could ask for anything more?!

End of Act One

13. Entr'acte: The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag

ACT TWO

Scene One

Inside LANK's saloon, fifteen minutes later. The COMPANY ishaving a party, dancing and drinking. EUGENE and PATRICIAare at a table, finishing dinner. LANK is beaming. MOOSE,MINGO, SAM and POLLY are entertaining with a song:

13. The Real American Folk Song Is a Rag

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMThe real American folk song is a rag,

A mental jagA rhythmic tonic for the chronic bluesThe critics called it a joke songBut now they've changed their tuneAnd they like it somehowFor it's inoculatedWith a syncopated sort of meter,Sweeter than a classic strainBoy! You can't remainStill and quietFor it's a riot!The real American folk songIs like a fountain of youth;



You taste, and it elates you.And then, invigorates you.The real American folk song,

Master stroke song,Is a rag.

(TRIO sings a Scat, Falsetto, Obbligato to Orch. Refrain,16 Bars.)

THE COMPANYThe real American folk songIs like the fountain of youth;You taste, and it elates you,And then, invigorates you.

THE COMPANY & THE TRIO

The real American folk song --

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMYippie Yi-Yoh Ki-Yay Ki-Yoh!

THE COMPANY & THE TRIOThe real American folk song --

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMHoodle-lee hoo-day-ee hoodle-ee-hoo-day-ee-oh!

THE COMPANYThe real American folk songIs a rag.

What a rag!!

13 (cont'd) INCIDENTAL: American Rag - Piano solo

LANK(Still applauding after the others have stopped; to theFodors:)Just marvelous! Wasn't that wonderful? My God, this is anice place!

EUGENEWe have a bit of laundry for you. Will that be all right?

LANKLaundry? No problem. Enchante.

PATRICIAAnd we'd like a wake-up call, please, at five a.m.

LANK:Five a.m.??

EUGENE



We just love seeing the dawn breaking out here in the West.

LANK

:Right.

PATRICIAGood night, all!

EUGENENight-night!

LANKGood night! Sleep well:and quickly!

(As the FODORS exit up the stairs, and LANK exits to theback room, music out as BOBBY (as BOBBY) hurries out of his

room and down the stairs looking for POLLY. He spots her atthe bar. )

BOBBYPolly!

POLLYI'm havin' a drink.

BOBBYI've got to talk to you.(He leads her away from the bar.)This is important.

POLLYWhat's up?

BOBBYPolly:(He takes a breath - and almost kneels.)I've really thought about this, and :well, it could be mylast chance and : Polly, I want you to marry me.

POLLYBobby -

BOBBYLook, I-I-I realize the show didn't work -

POLLYIt's not that -

BOBBYBut I'll get a job, out here, and raise the money -!

POLLYYou can't do that.



BOBBYOf course I can! Are you kidding? I'll- I'll- I'll- be acowpoke. I'll learn to poke cows.

POLLYBobby. The fact is, I'm in love with Bela.

BOBBYPolly -

POLLYOut there on the street just now, it was like a celebrationof what our show would have been like, thanks to him -

BOBBYPolly -

POLLYI just can't help it! Whenever I'm with him, I feelsomethin' strange, sorta : down in my basement.(Pause.)I'm sorry, Bobby.

(She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, then heads forthe door.)

BOBBY:Polly!

(She turns. Pause. )

BOBBY: I've got to tell you something.

POLLYWhat?

BOBBY: You're not going to believe this.

POLLY

What?!BOBBYI'm Bela Zangler.

POLLY: Huh?

BOBBYI'm Zangler. Me. I'm him.(The explanation pours out of him.)You see, when you got so mad at me, that first day, I-I-Irealized there was only one way I could help, so I called



up Tess, and-and-and she brought the clothes and the beardand : that's who you fell in love with.

(Pause.)

POLLYBobby, this is pathetic.

BOBBYBut it's true!

POLLYHow can ya stand there and just lie like this -?

BOBBYLook, I'll do the accent, okay? "Vell vell vell, it is so

nice to see you today -"

POLLY (overlapping)You are makin' such a fool of yourself -

BOBBY"Ve have rehearsal now, ya?"

POLLY (overlapping)This is so sad -

BOBBY"First ve practice a little tap-dancing -"

POLLYBobby, stop it! I just hate this -!

BOBBYPolly, you've got to believe me! I'm Zangler!

(At this moment, ZANGLER staggers in from the street,parched and barely able to stand up.)

ZANGLERVater:vater:

(He grabs a bottle of whiskey from the reception desk andstarts to drink.)

BOBBYI'll show you the clothes and-and the beard and makeup!They're upstairs! I'll prove it to you!

POLLYHi, Bela!

BOBBY(Glancing over his shoulder.)



Hi, Bela.(Back to POLLY:)Polly, I wouldn't lie to you! I'd never::

(He stops cold. He looks at ZANGLER - then drops to theground. A group from the bar gathers 'round him in concern.)

POLLY'Night, Bobby. Nice try.

(She heads for ZANGLER.)

PATSYHey, Bobby! Are you all right?!

POLLY (To ZANGLER:)

Hi.

ZANGLERHow do you do.

(She kisses him on the mouth. BOBBY sees it and groans. Shekisses ZANGLER again, with increasing passion. BOBBY groanslouder and grabs a bottle of liquor from CUSTUS. As thekiss continues, POLLY rubs her hand down ZANGLER's leg.)

BOBBYOh, my God:

(BOBBY heads up the stairs, drinking from the bottle. Atlast, POLLY breaks the kiss.)

ZANGLERThank you.

POLLY (Sexy:)'Night, Bela.(Matter-of-factly, calling up the stairs:)'Night, Bobby!

(POLLY exits. BOBBY groans and exits into his room. ZANGLER

is staring at the door where POLLY exited. TESS hurries upto ZANGLER.)

TESSBela! What are you doing here?!

ZANGLERI don't know, but I'm coming back.

TESSYou could ruin everything!

ZANGLER



Tessie! I have come three thousand miles just to be vithyou!

(He starts kissing her arm and works his way to her neck.)

TESSStop it, stop it. Would you - Oooooh.

(She's momentarily turned on; then get a hold of herself.)

Bela, how many times do I have to tell you?! I don't enjoyyour company, I'm bored when I'm with you, and I don't findyou even remotely attractive.

ZANGLERYou see? Ve could be married already.

TESSAnd how is Mrs. Zangler?

ZANGLERShe left me.

TESSYou're kidding.

ZANGLERShe is running around vith some stinking louse!

TESSI guess she couldn't break the habit.

ZANGLERTessie! Vhy do you say such things?! You know I vould doanything for you!

TESS(A sudden thought.): Anything?

ZANGLER

Vithin reason.TESS: I think I have an idea.

(TESS drags ZANGLER to a corner of the room and theycontinue to talk. Meanwhile, IRENE and LANK enter at thebalcony at the same time, each from a different room.)

IRENEMr. Hawkins!

LANK



What?!

IRENE

(Thrusting her room-service tray at LANK.)In case you're wondering, the coffee was cold, the food wasinedible, and the cutlery was filthy.

LANKMadam, if you don't like it here, I can show you the wideopen spaces!

IRENEI have no desire to look inside your head!

(THE BOYS laugh, as IRENE exits back into her room and LANKheads down the stairs and exits to the back room.)

LANK: GOD!

(He's gone. At which point, we refocus on ZANGLER and TESS.)

ZANGLERI do not do shows in desert!

TESSWe have the show! We need an audience.

ZANGLERThis is middle of no place!

TESSWell advertise! Get the word out! You could do it!

ZANGLERIt is impossible!

TESS(A beat, then:)Fine. Don't ever kiss this neck again.

(She walks away, but ZANGLER follows her.)ZANGLERTessie, please! It vouldn't vork! This is town of morons!

TESSThat is so typical.

ZANGLERTessie -

TESSThese are nice, normal, healthy people.



(At this moment, WYATT comes up to TESS and takes her arm.)

WYATTHey, sugar, how 'bout a drink?

TESSYou got it, buster.

ZANGLERTessie!

BILLYHey! Wait a second! That's my woman!

WYATT (Laughing:)

Well, not anymore.

BILLYI SAID LET HER GO!!

WYATTI SAID NO!!

(The two BOYS start fighting: a right to the jaw, a left tothe stomach. Instantly, some of the other BOYS join thebattle. JIMMY crashes in through the bar doors and startsshooting. Gunfire is exchanged. The BOYS are dying rightand left. The battle ends with JIMMY shooting BILLY, whofalls from the balcony onto the bar, then onto the floor,rolling over and over as he dies. Meanwhile, the GIRLS arescreaming. A beat, then BILLY rolls over for a last time.Silence. Then ZANGLER pours himself a drink, his handshaking.)

ZANGLERNice, normal, healthy people:

(The dead men rise and dust themselves off.)

BILLY

It's gettin' better.CUSTUSWhich one was that?

WYATTThe Dalton Boys meet the Clanton Gang!

PATSYYou were so brave!

WYATTThank ya, ma'am.



(The BOYS and GIRLS - including TESS - drift out to thestreet. ZANGLER stares after them in amazement, retracing

BILLY's fall with his finger. By this time, everyone's gone,his bottle is empty, and he's extremely drunk. He's alonein the saloon. He walks to the bar for another bottle.)

ZANGLER (Calling out:)Tessie!(No answer.)Tessie:

(A beat, then BOBBY - in his ZANGLER costume - appears atthe top of the stairs, falling-down drunk, carrying anempty whiskey bottle.)

BOBBY(With his ZANGLER accent - which he uses throughout therest of the scene:)Polly! Look! It's me:! Do you see? It's me! :(But she's gone; for a moment, we see the two ZANGLERS.)Polly, Polly, Polly:

ZANGLERTessie, Tessie, Tessie:

(ZANGLER walks behind the bar for another bottle stumblesand falls out of sight with a crash. BOBBY heads down thestairs, loses his footing and careens down the steps,almost killing himself.)

BOBBY(Like a baseball umpire:)Safe!

(BOBBY manages to walk down the final step, then weaves hisway to the bar. On the bar are two plates, each with a hotdog in a bun on a napkin. BOBBY puts down his empty bottleand hits the bar three times, to call the bartender, but onthe third hit, he falls to the floor -at which point,

ZANGLER stands up, puts his full bottle on the bar, seesBOBBY's empty, takes it, and ducks behind the bar again -just as BOBBY stands up. In other words, they still haven'tseen each other. BOBBY now sees the full bottle, and hetakes it, along with one of the plates, and weaves towardthe table. As he goes, ZANGLER stands up again with anotherfull bottle. He takes the other plate and follows BOBBY tothe table. They both sit at the table (at the same time)still oblivious to each other. Facing each other, they bothtake a bite of their hot dogs and chew, looking straight ateach other. A mirror image. They assume it's a mirror andtherefore don't react. They just chew. Then they each takeanother bite and chew some more. Then they bend towards



each other - and they both wipe their mouths to remove somemustard. They simultaneously uncork their bottles, pour adrink into their shot glasses, cross their legs and drink -

and then gargle.)

BOTHShe doesn't vant me!(Pause.)Bela, Bela, Bela:

(They look at each other - take off their glasses for abetter look - pull their eyes open and see how awful theyboth look, moan, and pour themselves another drink. ZANGLERis about to drink, but BOBBY holds out his glass for atoast. ZANGLER notices this and clinks glasses. They'reabout to drink, when they both realize that this wouldn't

happen in a mirror. They pause; then shrug and say "Eh,"and drink their drinks. They put down their drinks. BOBBYbelches loudly. ZANGLER hits his chest and says:)

ZANGLERExcuse me.

(A beat, then they suddenly become bitter.)

BOBBY:Vomen.

ZANGLERVomen.

BOBBYI'm so upset.

ZANGLERI am beside myself.

(A beat, then they look at each other.)

14. What Causes That

ZANGLERShe's so full of trickery,Life is bitter as chicory,Bitterness fills my cup.

BOBBYI'm sorry you brought that up.Once I thought I'd search aroundFor the little church aroundThe corner, but now I see.

BOTHIt never was meant to be.



ZANGLEROnce she used to praise me.

BOBBYWhy is she so high hat?

ZANGLERBoy, does she amaze me.

BOTHTell me what causes that?!

BOBBYWhen I'm away from her I start despairing.

BOTHOy Oy Oy Oy Oy -

ZANGLERYou ought to know by now what causes that!

BOBBYI got pretty good idea.

ZANGLERI'm growing balder from the hair I'm tearing.

BOTHSheeeeeee:.

BOBBYYou ought to know by now what causes that!When she keeps on brushing you asideOh gosh, you're all at sea!You go contemplating suicide --It's much too much for me!

You're not so dumb that you don't know the answer.Loving her is what causes that!

(They get their hands tangled in the backs of their chairs.)ZANGLER (Climbing a chair.)If I should climb the Brooklyn Bridge and jump off.

BOBBYVait, you could hurt yourself.

ZANGLERThat's the idea.

BOBBYOh, I suppose you'd ask what causes that?



ZANGLERI'm depressed.

BOBBYYou're depressed? I'm not myself today.

If I should get a gun and bump this chump off.

ZANGLERPoint that thing the other vay!

Oh, I suppose you'd ask what causes that?

BOTHReally you don't have to mope around

And burn up as you do,There's a cannon and rope around,There's lots of poison too!

I'm very blue of late and there's a reason:

ZANGLERLoving her...

BOBBYLoving her...

BOTHIs what causes that!

(They dance.)

I'm very blue of late and there's a reason:Loving her is what causes that!...Is what causes that!...Is what causes that!...Is what causes that!

(They weave their way back to the table, try to grab theirglasses and miss. They stumble underneath the table - reach

up and get their glasses - and clink. On the last note ofthe song, they faint, out cold, their heads next to eachother. Blackout. On applause, music segues to:)

14a. SCENE CHANGE - Bobby Wakes up

(Music fades out under opening dialogue of next Scene.)

Scene Two

LANK's Saloon, the next morning, about 10 o'clock. Sun isstreaming in from the doorway. BOBBY and ZANGLER are justwhere we left them - out cold, looking identical, under the



table. PETE, JUNIOR and HARRY are cleaning up from thenight before. CUSTUS is also there. They're all depressed;and none of them has noticed the two men under the table.

After a beat, POLLY enters with her mail bag and a fewletters.

POLLYMail call!

(The BOYS just look at her - and go back to what they weredoing. POLLY sighs. It's the same old thing.)

POLLYNow don't forget, we got a company meetin' in twentyminutes over at the theater.

CUSTUSI don't see what that'll prove.

JUNIORIt's too late now.

POLLYWell we gotta decide what to do, don't we? We still got twoweeks left on that mortgage.

HARRYTwo weeks.

PETEBig deal.

POLLYWell we gotta do somethin'. I'd rather sell the place toLank than let that bank have it.

CUSTUS(Offering POLLY a mug of tea.)Tea?

POLLY

Thanks.(She takes a sip of teas as she flips through the mail; shesees something for BOBBY and hollers up the stairs.)

POLLYHEY, BOBY!!! YOU UP THERE?!! HEY!!!(No answer.)BOBBY!! YA GOT A TELEGRAM!!

(BOBBY gets to his knees. He has a hangover and a splittingheadache. He also has no idea that he's dressed as Zangler- so of course, he uses his own voice.)



BOBBY(Singing:)

I got rhythm, I got music. I got such a headache!Ohhhh..Morning, Polly. Oh, my back! Oh, my legs! My stomach!My throat:(He touches his cheek and can't find his nose.)My nose?!(He finds his nose and sighs with relief.):Is that my telegram?

(POLLY and the BOYS hear BOBBY'S voice from ZANGLER's body,and stare at him dumbfounded. Throughout the followingspeech, they continue to stare, without moving, theirmouths agape.)

BOBBY(He takes the telegram out of her hand.)I'll be it's from Mother again. That's just what I needright.(He tears the telegram open and reads it:)"Dear Fat-head. Stop." Yep. It's Mom. "Stop this nonsense.Stop. This is your final notice. Stop." Sounds like anelectric bill. "Get back here on next train. Stop. Don'tstop. Stop. Will stop allowance if you stop. Stop. Yourloving mother. Stop.(A beat, then:)P.S. Your uncle stopped by."(A beat, then:)I wish she'd write letters.(As he puts the telegram away, he starts to realize thatsomething's not right; he looks around; nobody moves.)What's the matter? :Polly? :Hello:?

POLLY(Almost a whisper):Is that you?

(At this point, ZANGLER wakes up, moans and gets to hisfeet.)

ZANGLER(Also hungover.)Ohhhh:

(BOBBY sees ZANGLER.)

BOBBYHi, Bela.(:and then it hits him; he touches his beard.)Uh-oh.

POLLY:Bobby?



BOBBYHi. : Well, I guess you believe me now, huh? Are you ready

for this?(He peels off his beard and moustache.)This is the best part.(He pulls off his wig.)Ta-da!

ZANGLERDo you also do James Cagney?

BOBBY(Singing, a cappella)"Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you." Remember that?"Embrace me, you irreplaceable -

(WHAP!!! She slaps him across the face, sending himreeling.)

BOBBYPolly - !

(WHAP!!! She slaps him again. A beat, then he falls to hisknees, moans and holds the sides of his head in pain.)

BOBBYWhat was that for?! You're in love with me. You admitted it!

POLLYThat was Zangler!

ZANGLERMe?

POLLYNot you!

ZANGLERThere is third Zangler?

POLLYThe one I cared about! The real Zangler!

BOBBYThat's what I'm telling you! That was me!

ZANGLERYou mean you are real Zangler?

BOBBYI'm not the real Zangler. I'm : Zangler.

ZANGLER



Then who am I?

POLLY

That's what I want to know!

ZANGLER: I'm not so sure.

POLLYI don't even know who I kissed last night!!

BOBBY & ZANGLER(Both raise their hands.)Me.

POLLY

Oh, my God :

ZANGLERShe kissed you too?

BOBBYOf course she kissed me!

ZANGLERHad you met her before?

BOBBYI fell in love with her!

ZANGLERThat must have been some kiss.

POLLYWould ya stop this!

ZANGLERStop?

POLLYStop!

BOBBY(Pulling out the telegram.)You sound like my mother.

POLLY(To BOBBY)You made a jackass outta me.

BOBBYNo, I didn't.

POLLY



ZANGLERExcuse me.

BOBBYYeah?

ZANGLERAre you going as me or you?

BOBBYMe.

ZANGLERThat's good. Then I can go as me.

(ZANGLER exits, as BOBBY hurries up the rest of the stairs- and runs straight into IRENE, who comes out of her room.)

IRENEThere you are. Are you ready to go now?

BOBBYI can't now! I'm in a hurry!

IRENEI've been waiting in this stinking town for three days!

BOBBYIrene, please! I don't have time!

IRENEWell, make some time! I am your fiancee.

BOBBYNo, you're not!

IRENEBobby -!

BOBBY

Irene, I'm sorry. It's really over. I'm in love with Polly.IRENEBobby - !

BOBBYWish me luck.(He kisses her cheek.)You're a pal.

(He exits into his room.)

IRENE



Bobby, come back here! Open up!!(He's gone.)Damn! Damn! Damn!

(At this moment, LANK runs in from the corridor, clutchingdirty laundry, past IRENE and down the stairs, lookingmadly around for a place to hide.)

LANKYou haven't seen me!

(At which point, PATRICIA and EUGENE enter from thecorridor. WYATT and MINGO enter from the street.)

PATRICIAOh, Mr. Hawkins!

(LANK freezes.)

EUGENEYou won't be long with that laundry, will you?

LANK(The Frenchman)No no no no no. Toot sweet.

PATRICIAAnd we do hate to bother you again, but we'd like somecroissants with our coffee. That won't be too much trouble,will it, dear?

LANKCroissants? No no no no no.

PATRICIAIsn't he silly.

(The FODORS exit.)

LANK(To himself)

I suppose if they were found dead tomorrow morning theremight be questions:

IRENEIt does say "hotel," you know. On the sign.

LANK: Excuse me?

IRENEThe sign. It says "hotel."

LANK



Does it? Oh, my God, it does. Well, we'll just take care ofthat, shall we?

(He walks to the sign : then suddenly yanks it from thereception desk and starts banging it on the desk. Ventinghis rage, he breaks it over his head, then mauls it intolittle pieces and jumps on it, grunting and swearing. Justas suddenly, the rage ends. During LANK's business, CUSTUS& PETE exit through door behind reception desk.)

LANKWell. Anything else you'd like to complain about?

IRENEYou're a very frustrated man, aren't you?

LANKOh, I see! It's Dr. Freud now, is it?! Well, Doctor, what Ireally hate are stupid women from New York who have theirbrains in their backsides -!

IRENEYou are, without a doubt, the rudest, most uncouth,roughest man I ever met!

(Without warning, she grabs him and kisses him full on thelips. She breaks it and reels backward, hitting the wall.)

IRENEOh, my God:

(She kisses him again. Then she shoves him into a chair andpulls the chair to the table.)

IRENE(To the BOYS at the table)Move.

(The BOYS scatter in fear, taking their bottles with them.)

15. Naughty BabyIRENEIf you want a girl who's sentimental,One who'll never set you in a whirl,One who will be always sweet and gentle,I am not that kind of girl.But if you prefer a rather swift one,If you think you'd like to run aroundWith a bright oneI am just the right one.

(During the song, IRENE seduces LANK.)



Naughty baby,Naughty baby,

Who will tease you.I can show the wayAnd know the wayTo please you.If you're wanting a beginnerI shan't doI can make a saint a sinnerWhen I want to.

If you findThe simple kindAre rather slow, dear,Then you ought to try

A naughty oneYou know, dear,But you'll never meet another who will beA naughty baby, naughty baby just like me.

(Dance break. IRENE ties LANK's ankles and wrists with herscarf, then dances with four of the BOYS to make LANKjealous.)

HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGONaughty baby we love you.

IRENEAt Bryn Mawr, I was at the top of my class.

HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGOThough you may be bad it's true

IRENEAll the boys were underneath.

HARRY, WYATT, JUNIOR AND MINGOPlease don't go.For though we've been warned about youYou must know

That we want you so!(By this time, LANK has freed himself, and he throws thefour BOYS, one by one, out the door of the saloon.)

IRENEIf you find the simple kind are rather slow, dear,Then you ought to try a naughty one, you know, dear,But you'll never meet another who will beA naught baby, naughty baby...

LANKNaughty baby, naughty baby...



HARRY, WYATT JUNIOR AND MINGO(Looking in through the door.)

Naughty baby...

IRENEJust like me.

(Blackout.)

Scene Three

Stage of the theatre, ten minutes later, just behind thecurtain. EVERETT is alone with his vacuum cleaner (whichmakes a very loud buzz), vacuuming the stage. His spirits

are low. After a moment, TESS and PATSY enter.

TESS(Shouting over the noise)Everett! : Everett, would you turn that thing off!

EVERETTWhat?

PATSYWould you turn that thing off! The meeting is starting!

EVERETTI can't hear you with the machine on!

TESSI said, would you turn that thing - :(She realizes how dumb she's being; sighs and pulls theplug.)The meeting is starting.

EVERETTOh, dear.

(He takes the vacuum cleaner off stage.)

PATSYWe have to decide about the show. It's now or never!

EVERETTYou know, I just love seeing you kids perform. That's how Igot started. I tap danced for ten years.

PATSYWow! I get tired after ten minutes!

EVERETT(Pulling a rope and raising the curtain.)



Ever since you kids fixed this place up, I could just lookat it all day.

15a. INCIDENTAL: Crazy for You (Music Box)

(We now see the AUDITORIUM. Repainted and renewed, cherubsgleaming, the place looks glorious. It's filled with theentire COMPANY (except BOBBY, ZANGLER, LANK and IRENE),sitting on chairs. There's an aisle down the middle of thechairs, and at the end of the aisle (downstage) is a tablefor conducting the business of the meeting. Upstage centerare double doors leading to the lobby.)

EVERETTIt's just the way I remember it.(Pause.)

I wish you could have seen Polly's mother on that stage.(Music out.)Standing there behind the footlights -

THE COMPANY(Unable to contain themselves)Forget the old lady! Shut up! Enough already!

TESSWould you all just shut up!!!

(They quiet down - as BOBBY rushes in.)

BOBBYAm I late? Have you started?

CUSTUSYa just made it.

(BOBBY sits. There's an awkward pause. Then TESS gets up totry to help.)

TESSAll right. Now I think that Polly should be in charge ofthe meeting.

(General agreement.)

POLLYI'd rather not, if ya don't mind. I'm just not in the moodright now.

BOBBYBut it's your theater!


POLLY



Kindly tell Mr. Child that he ain't involved in thiswithout his beard and funny moustache.

TESSHey. Fellas :

BOBBYWill somebody tell Miss Baker, please, that she happened tofall in love with that moustache.

POLLYLike hell I did!

BOBBYYou know you did.

POLLYI did not!

TESS: Well, this is off to a good start.

POLLYI ain't havin' this meetin' with him here!

BOBBYWell, you'll have to, because I'm not leaving.

(They both sit. A beat, then PATSY raises her hand.)

TESSPatsy.

PATSY(Urgently)Can I go to the bathroom?

TESSYes.

(PATSY exits in a hurry through the double doors - and runs

into ZANGLER, who is just entering. ZANGLER takes a seat atthe back. TESS sits; and BOBBY stands up.)

BOBBYLook. The question is simple. We have two weeks left. Nowdo we try the show again or don't we? I say we do.(A beat, then:)Everett. What do you think?

EVERETTOh, dear. Well. You all did so much work, making this placeso beautiful again : I'd really rather that we all madethat decision together. Polly?



POLLY: Well. I guess that, under the circumstances, we have not

choice but to give it up.


BOBBY(To POLLY)How can you say that?!

POLLYI wasn't talkin' to you!

BOBBYFor God's sake -!

POLLYWell, how do ya think I feel?! Huh? But we tried it onceand it didn't work!

BOBBYWe can try it again! Polly. Just look around! It's atheater! We can still bring it back to life!

(The doors at the back open, and PATSY returns. She sighswith great relief and takes her seat.)

JUNIORTo tell ya the truth, I don't think I got the energy for it.

MITZIIt was kind of depressing, with only two people showing up.

JIMMYAnd they didn't even come for the show!

CUSTUSI think it's kind of a losin' cause, if ya ask me.

THE COMPANY

Me, too. That's what I think. We tried it once. (etc.)(BOBBY sighs. He can't believe it. Amidst the chatter,EUGENE and PATRICIA come forward.)

PATRICIAExcuse me. Maybe we say something?

EUGENEPatricia and I can see that you're all rather down in thedumps about this show of yours. But in our part of theworld, we have a few sayings about this sort of thing.Stiff upper lip.



PATRICIACarry on.

EUGENE & PATRICIAChin up!

BOBBYStiff upper lip.

POLLYCarry on.

EUGENE & PATRICIAChin up!

17. Stiff Upper Lip

BOBBYStiff upper lip!

EUGENEStout fella!

BOBBYCarry on

EUGENEOld stuff!

BOBBYChin up!

EUGENE & PATRICIAKeep muddling though!

POLLYStiff upper lip!

PATRICIAStout fella!

POLLYWhen the going's rough!

POLLY & BOBBYPip-pip to old man troubleAnd a toodle-oo, too!

EUGENE & PATRICIACarry on though thick and thinIf you feel you're in the rightLet the fighting spirit win!



POLLY & BOBBY, EUGENE & PATRICIAFight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

THE COMPANYStiff upper lip! Stout fella!When you're in a stew!Sober or blotto,This is your motto:

BOBBY, POLLY, EUGENE AND PATRICIAKeep muddling through!

(Dance break. During the dance, BOBBY and POLLY startcompeting with each other. They try to get to the samechair; then they try to get on the table. Each time they gofor the table, different members of the COMPANY beat them

to it and start to dance.)

POLLY AND BOBBYFight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

THE COMPANYStiff upper lip! Stout fella!When you're in a stew!

(Dance break.)

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAM(During dance break.)I'm bidin' my timeCause that's the kind of guy I'mThere's no regrettin'When I'm settin'Bidin' my time.

POLLY THE COMPANYCarry on through Chin up!Thick and thin Keep muddling through!If you feel you're Chin up!In the right Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!Let the fighting

Spirit win!THE COMPANYStiff upper lip!Stout fella!When you're in a stew!Sober or blotto,This is our motto:

(Dance break.)

Keep right on muddling through!Chin up!



(As the enthusiasm of the COMPANY build, the number turnsinto an anthem. By the end, the chairs and table have been

made into a barricade. BOBBY and POLLY are at the top and ahuge red flag is being waved at the back. This, of course,is meant to be reminiscent of Les Miserables.)

BOBBYOkay! So how do we vote?! All in favor of trying the showagain, say aye!

(BOBBY, POLLY, TESS & EVERETT raise their hands.)

BOBBY, POLLY, TESS & EVERETTAye!

(A beat, then BOBBY and POLLY look at each other.)

CUSTUSAll in favor of forgettin' about it?

EVERYONE ELSEAYE!

BOBBYI can't believe this!

CUSTUSWell, heck, Bobby. You know it won't work.

MITZIWe tried it once.

JUNIORI just don't have the energy.

MOOSEWhy bother if nobody comes.

(Everybody wanders off.)

BOBBYHey. Wait a second. What happened to stiff upper lip? Patsy?(ad lib.)

(Everyone's gone, leaving BOBBY and POLLY alone at the topof the barricade. Pause.)

BOBBYWell. At least we tried.

POLLYWe sure did.



BOBBYSorry.

POLLYIt ain't your fault : Entirely.

(They climb down.)

BOBBYWell. So-long.

POLLY: Where are ya goin'?

BOBBYBack to New York.

POLLY (Shocked): You're leavin'?

BOBBYWell, there's nothing to keep me her now, is there?

(Pause. Music starts under for next number.)

POLLY: I guess not.

BOBBYI guess not.

(Pause. BOBBY extends his hand and they shake.)

BOBBYThanks.

POLLYWhat for?

BOBBYA lot of fun. A few broken teeth.

18. They Can't Take That Away From Me

BOBBYThe way you wear your hat,The way you sip your tea,The memory of all that --No, no! They can't take that away from me!

The way your smile just beams,The way you sing off key,The way you haunt my dreams --No, no! They can't take that away from me!



We can never, never meet againOn the bumpy road to love,

Still I'll always, always keepThe memory of --

The way you hold your knife,The way we danced 'til three.The way you changed my life --No, no! They can't take that away from me!No! They can't take that away from me!

(BOBBY exits, and the music continues. POLLY is stunned.She knows for certain now that she loves him, and she'sready to cry. Instead, she matter-of-factly startsstraightening the chairs, as if nothing's wrong.)

19. But Not For Me

POLLYThey're writing songs of love,But not for me:A lucky star's above,But not for me.

With love to lead the way,I've found more skies of grayThan any Russian playCould guarantee.

I was a fool to fail!And get that way,Heigh ho! Alas!And also lackaday!

Although I can't dismissThe memory of his kiss...

(ZANGLER suddenly enter, trailed by TESS and some of theBOYS. POLLY remains onstage, at the side, for all of thefollowing, but she doesn't react to it. She's too bereft.

Music continues to fade.)ZANGLERThis is incredible! Tessie, vhy didn't you tell me?!

TESSYou wouldn't listen!

ZANGLERThese men are vonderful! They dance! They sing! They gotrhythm!

TESS



I told you that!

ZANGLER

Okay, ve start on show this minute!

(He pulls out a check fold, starts writing checks andtearing them off. Music fades out. As he writes each check,he hands it to one of the BOYS.)

ZANGLERNew posters.

CUSTUSA thousand dollars?!

ZANGLER

Use picture of pretty girl. It alvays vorks.(Another check.)I want busses at junction, meeting every train!

BILLY(Grabbing check.)You got it!

MOOSE(Grabbing the check from BILLY.)You got it!

ZANGLER(Another check.)Ve advertise in papers, all over state.

WYATTIn every paper?

ZANGLERIn this state, how many could that be? : Now I vanteverybody on stage for rehearsal in ten minutes!

THE BOYSOkay! You got it!

ZANGLERAnd somebody clean up this mess. It looks like FrenchRevolution.

(The BOYS grab the chairs and table and exit.)

TESSSo I was right about these guys, huh?

ZANGLERThe cowboys? They're okay.



TESS"Okay?!"

ZANGLERTessie. I do this for you.

(Pause.)

TESSNo kidding.(A beat, then)This isn't like you.

ZANGLERI know. That's vhat vorries me.

(TESS thinks about this for a beat, then exits. ZANGLER isabout to follow, when he sees POLLY, and walks up to her.)

ZANGLERYoung lady.(She's in her own world.)Young lady.

POLLYHuh?

ZANGLERYou are very good dancer.

POLLYThanks.

ZANGLERVhere did you learn this?

POLLY: From a : friend.

ZANGLERYou are also good kisser.

POLLYThanks.

ZANGLERBy the vay, I got big news for your boyfriend. I make himstar of show.(No response.)Frankly, I thought he vas moron.(No response.)Vell : he is moron. But he is talented moron.

POLLY



He's gone.

ZANGLER

: Excuse me?

POLLYHe's gone. He left town.

ZANGLER: You are sure of this?!(She nods her head yes.)Okay. Ve find somebody else. That's show business : Youknow, you could be star of show.

POLLYI don't think so :

(Music starts under for next number.)

ZANGLERAre you all right?

POLLYI'm fine.

ZANGLERGood.

(He exits.)

19 (cont'd) Reprise: But Not for Me

It started of so swell,This "let's pretend."It all began so well,But what an end!The climax of a plot,Should be the marriage knot,But there's no knot for me.

(The lights fade to black.)

19a. SCENE CHANGE - New Promenade(Music continues for change of scene and fades out underopening dialogue of next scene.)Scene Four

Street in front f the Zangler Theater, six weeks later,about 6 o'clock in the evening. New Yorkers are passing toand fro. Then MOTHER and BOBBY enter, along with THREEMEMBERS of MOTHER'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS. BOBBY is wearing abanker's suit and is carrying a stack of unruly documents.As they enter, he's reading from the top document.



BOBBY"Event of Default is hereby defined as a breach of anyaffirmative or negative covenants contained in Article 5

hereof -"

MOTHER(Interrupting him)We need Addendum A.

BOBBYAddendum A.

(He hands it to her.)

MOTHERAddendum B.

BOBBYAddendum B.


MOTHERAddendum C.

BOBBYAddendum C.


MOTHERNow where's the Appendix?

BOBBY(Pointing to his stomach, trying to lighten things up.)I think it's about here.

MOTHERBobby, you have been back here for six weeks and youhaven't learned anything.

BOBBYI know.

MOTHERWhere's your head?!

BOBBYDeadrock.

MOTHERI didn't ask what's in it. What's it thinking?

BOBBY



Well. There's this girl :

MOTHER

Not again.

BOBBYIt's the same one.

MOTHERWell, forget about her! :And remember, Bobby, whoever youmarry requires my prior approval.(A beat, then)Now come over here.(She holds up a document.)I have a little surprise for you. We foreclosed on anotherproperty.

(She hands it to him.)Happy Birthday.

BOBBYGee, I don't know what to :(He scans the document; not enthused.)A "Deed of Trust." Wow:

MOTHERIt means you own the property.

BOBBYGreat. Thanks.

(He starts to pocket the lease. MOTHER sighs withfrustration.)

MOTHERAren't you going to ask me what property?

BOBBYOkay. What property?

MOTHER(Indicating the Zangler Theatre.)

This one.(Long pause. BOBBY looks at the theater; then at MOTHER;then back at the theater.)

BOBBYYou're kidding.

MOTHER(Pleased with herself)The Zangler Theater.

BOBBY



: I own the theater?

MOTHER

It's all yours.

(Pause. BOBBY is stunned. His heart is racing. He touchesthe side of the building. It's like a dream.)

BOBBYOh, my God :

MOTHERYou always wanted to dance on stage. Now you have a stageto dance on. It's your toy.

BOBBY

Mother, you're wonderful!

(He takes off his overcoat and hat, then climbs up the rainspout to the roof of the building.)

MOTHERBe careful, dear. : Hopefully, this will keep you here inNew York.

BOBBY(Calling out to New York and everybody in it)It's mine!!(He laughs like a mad scientist.)The whole theater! Every single uncomfortable seat!

MOTHERI thought you'd like it.

BOBBYLike it?! This is -(Then suddenly he stops cold; a though strikes him.)Wait a second. What happened to Zangler?

MOTHERHe couldn't meet the payments. Apparently he's wasting all

his money on that silly theater in Nevada. I understandhe's doing it for some woman.

BOBBY(To himself)He's doing it for Tess.

MOTHERI don't know her name!

BOBBY(Suddenly feeling awful)Oh, my god :



MOTHERShall we look around?

(No response.)Bobby?

BOBBY: I'll be right there.

(MOTHER exits into the theater through the stage door withher DIRECTORS.)

BOBBY (Longingly:)Polly:

20. Nice Work If You Can Get It

(At which point, five of our FOLLIES GIRLS appear fromnowhere and start singing. BOBBY is having another of hisfantasies. The GIRLS are his conscience.)

THE GIRLSThe man who only live for making moneyLives a life that isn't necessarily sunny;Likewise the man who works for fame --There's no guarantee that time won't erase his nameThe fact isThe only work that really brings enjoymentIs the kind that is for girl and boy meant.Fall in love -- you won't regret it.That's the best work of all -- if you can get it.

Holding hands at midnight'Neath a starry sky...

BOBBYOh that is nice work if you can get it.

THE GIRLSAnd you can get it -- if you try.

Strolling with the one girlSighing sigh after sigh...

BOBBYOh nice work if you can get it.

THE GIRLSAnd you can get it -- if you try.

Just imagine someoneWaiting at the cottage door.

ELAINE, LOUISE AND SUSIE (echo)



Waiting at the cottage door

THE GIRLS

Where two hearts become one...

THE GIRLS AND BOBBYWho could ask for anything more?

THE GIRLSLoving one who loves you,And then taking that vow...

THE GIRLS AND BOBBYNice work if you can get it,

THE GIRLS

And if you get it --

BOBBYWon't you tell me how?

THE GIRLSAnd you can get it -- if you try.And you can get it -- if you try.And you can get it -- if you try.And you can get it -- if you try.

(The GIRLS disappear. Dance break. During the dance, MOTHERand her DIRECTORS come out of the theater. As BOBBY does aleap, the DIRECTORS catch him in mid-air.)

MOTHERWell, you missed the tour and there's no more time now. Asit is, we'll just make the meeting.(She heads off down the street - then realizes that BOBBYhasn't moved.)Bobby, come on!

(MOTHER and the DIRECTORS exit.)

BOBBY

Holding hands at midnight'Neath a starry sky...Nice work if you can get itAnd you can get it -- if you try.

Strolling with the one girlSighing sigh after sigh...Nice work if you can get itAnd you can get it -- if you try




(BOBBY dances. During the dance, BOBBY realizes that eventhis theater can't replace POLLY. He pulls out the Deed ofTrust : makes his decision : and rips it in half, then half

again, then half again : and throws the pieces away. As heexits with determination: Blackout. Music segues onapplause. The opening can-can music of next number servesas the scene change music then continues for vocal.)

Scene Five

Main Street, Deadrock, three days later. It's the Deadrockwe know, but everything about it is brighter and moreprosperous. There are fairy lights around all the buildings;and the area in front of the saloon is now an outdoor cafe,with tables and umbrellas. Various COWBOYS and FOLLIES

GIRLS are present in the street and as cafe customers. Abrightly colored sign over the saloon says "CHEZ LANK."EUGENE and PATRICIA are sitting at one of the tables,having dinner. LANK looks quite spiffy now, with an apronon over his newly-pressed suit. IRENE is with him, herhands over his eyes. Then she surprises him by showing himthe sign over the cafe. They embrace lovingly. Over thestreet is a banner that reads "THE ZANGLER FOLLIES". As thelights come up, the COWBOY TRIO, dressed as French waiters,enter carrying trays of champagne and glasses, singing:

21. Bidin' My Time (French Reprise)

MINGO, MOOSE AND SAMJe suis bidin' mon tempsParce que c'est mon genreEt les autres s'enervent, maisMoi, je vais continuerBidin' mon temps.

L'annee prochaine, l'annee prochaine,Il se passe quelque choseMaintenant, maintenantMoi, je me repose.

(At this moment, POLLY hurries out of the theater towardthe General Store, with ZANGLER pursuing her. POLLY iswearing a traveling dress and carries a suitcase - andshe's extremely upset. A true crisis. During the following,EVERETT enters from the theater. Accordion music continuesunder dialogue.)

ZANGLERMiss Baker!

POLLYI ain't goin' on!



ZANGLERBut you are star of sow! People are vaiting inside to seeyou!

POLLYWell, I just can't do it! I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!

EVERETTBela -

POLLYCustus!

EVERETTLet me talk to he. I'm sure I can take care of this.

ZANGLERThis is your fault! You raise prima donna!

(ZANGLER exits into the theater. Music out.)

EVERETTPolly, dear. What happened?(He takes her hand.)

POLLY(She takes a breath; then)I want to go to New York and find Bobby.

EVERETTYou miss him that much?

POLLYI do.

EVERETTPolly -

POLLYDad, it's taken me six weeks to get my courage up. It's nowor never. Can ya understand that?

EVERETTI think so.

POLLY(Kissing him)Thanks.

(CUSTUS is passing, and POLLY calls to him.)

POLLYHey, Custus! I need a ride to the station!



CUSTUSSure. But : ain't you supposed to be onstage :?

POLLYI don't have time to argue about it! The train's at eight-o-five! We'll just make it!

CUSTUSOkay.

POLLY(As she runs out)Dad, I'll call ya when I get there!

(They're gone. A beat, then ZANGLER and TESS enter from thetheater.)

ZANGLERVell?

EVERETTOh, dear.

TESSWhere is she?!

EVERETTShe left for New York. She took the pick-up.

ZANGLERBut ve got full house!!!

(PATSY, MARGIE and BETSY run on from the theater.)

PATSYMr. Zangler? I think they're getting' restless! They'rethrowin' fruit at the curtain!

ZANGLERBetsy! Go inside! Do Polly's number!

BETSYYes, sir!

(BETSY hurries into the theater. LANK, who has overhead allthis, grabs ZANGLER by the lapels.)

LANKListen, Zangler! Without your show, my cafe goes down thesewer!

ZANGLERI am not magician!



(During the following, BOBBY rushes into town. With alleyes on Zangler, nobody sees him for a moment.)

ZANGLER(Losing it completely)I put on show in three veeks! I spend all my own money! Ilose my theater in New York - !

EVERETTHi, Bobby.

EVERYONEHi, Bobby.

(A beat, then)

EVERYONE:BOBBY!!!

BOBBYWhere's Polly?! I've got to talk to her!

TESSBobby! How did you get here?!

BOBBYI came in the car.

(The limousine starts to enter.)

ZANGLERVell, get back in it and go to station!

(We now see that the car is being pushed down the street byMOTHER, who is wearing motoring goggles, and the CHAUFFEUR.The car has overheated, and steam is coming out of thehood.)

MOTHERI am never buying another foreign car as long as I live!

(EVERYONE sees the state of the car and groans. Meanwhile,BOBBY sees the banner and the rest of the town.)

BOBBYHoly cow! What happened around here?

ZANGLERThe Zangler Follies!

BOBBY(Stunned; excited): You mean you paid off the mortgage?



EVERETT(Nodding.)We've had full houses for two weeks. The problem is Pol -

BOBBYOh, my God. :. It worked! I accomplished something!!!

MOTHERBobby, show me this woman so I can go home!

BOBBYI'll be right back!

(He heads for the theater.)

TESS

Bobby, she isn't here!!

(He stops.)

TESSShe went to New York to find you!

ZANGLER(Bitterly)If stupid machine vas vorking, you could have caught her.

BOBBY(A beat, then pulling off his coat and striding for thecar.)All right, stand aside! I'll fix it!

(He lifts the hood and starts tinkering with the engine. Atwhich point, IRENE enters and sees MOTHER.)

IRENELottie!

MOTHERIrene! What are you doing here?!

IRENEI live here. With my husband.

MOTHERThis is so typical! You had every chance in the world toget Bobby -!

IRENEBut you were against it!

MOTHERWell, it would have been better than some cow-girl!!!



MOTHER IRENEYou had every opportunity No wonder poor Bobby wanted toto bag him, and all you leave New York! I'm surprised

did was whine about the he didn't move to Alaska -!cut of your dress - !

(EVERETT has been staring at MOTHER in adoration. As sheand IRENE freeze, EVERETT sings:)

22. Things Are Looking Up (Reprise)

EVERETTThings are looking up!It's a great little world we live in!Oh I'm happy as a pupSince love looked up at me!!

Can I help you, madam?

MOTHERWell, someone better -!

(She sees EVERETT and stops abruptly; she looks him overand lies what she sees. As music cadences and stops)

:Oh. How very kind of you:

BOBBYWish me luck!

ZANGLERVAIT A SECOND!!(Silence; to EVERETT)Vill he make it?!

EUGENEWhat time is it?!

(EVERETT pulls out his watch.)

EVERETT

Eight-o-five. Impossible.(A beat then:)

BOBBYAll right, never mind! I'll catch the next train!(To the CHAUFFEUR:)Get the car on the road! I'll go wash up.

CHAUFFEURYes, sir!



(BOBBY exits into the saloon, and the CHAUFFEUR drives thecar off.)

PATSYAre those two ever gonna get together?

(At this moment, CUSTUS enters from the side of the GeneralStore, followed by POLLY. EVERYONE just stares at them,open-mouthed.)

POLLYI cannot believe this!!

CUSTUSWould ya stop yellin'!

POLLYHow the hell could ya run outta gas?!!

CUSTUSWell, I'm sorry! I didn't plan it that way!

POLLYWell, now what do I do?! What do I do now?!!

(POLLY exits into the General Store, slamming the doorbehind her. A beat, then:)

EVERYONE:POLLY!!!

(EVERYONE rushes to the General Store to get POLLY, alltalking at once.)

TESSWAIT A SECOND! : I have an idea! Come to me, come to me!

(EVERYONE goes into a huddle so TESS can tell them her idea:buzz, buzz, buzz. Then they split up and start to head off.)

PATSY

:. I don't get it!(They all sigh.)

TESSBack in the circle! Get back in the circle!

(EVERYONE goes back into the huddle, except CUSTUS, whoruns into the theater. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Then BOBBY'shead appears over the doors to the saloon.)

BOBBYMother! I'll be right there!



(The huddle freezes:)

TESSGo!

(EVERYONE scatters in different directions, all leaving thestage. The second they're gone, we see CUSTUS hurry frombehind the theater with a follies dress. He hands it off toEVERETT.)

EVERETTThat's the one!

(EVERETT hurries with the dress into the General Store.Then BOBBY enters from the saloon. He sees that the street

is empty and stops abruptly.)

BOBBY: Hello? :Where is everybody?!

(At which point, TESS appears on the balcony of the theater.She sings the first line, below. Then, in twos and threesand fours, more members of the COMPANY appear and takeadditional lines.)

23. Finale

TESSDrop that long face. Come on, have your fling.

MINGO, WYATT AND BILLYWhy keep nursing the blues?

ADD PATSY, ZANGLER AND TESSIf you want this old world on a string.

ADD LANK, EVERETT, THE FODORS, IRENE AND MOTHERPut on your dancing shoes --Stop wasting time!Put on your dancing shoes --

THE COMPANYWatch your spirits climb!

(By this time, EVERETT has brought POLLY out from behindthe General Store, and is pushing her toward BOBBY, who isfacing the other way. POLLY is wearing her follies dress.She taps BOBBY on the shoulder. He turns, see her.)

POLLYYou wanna dance, Bobby?

BOBBY




(They embrace and kiss - then start to dance. At this point,

the entire stage turns into a lavish Follies number, withPOLLY and BOBBY dancing in the center, rising up into anight sky filled with stars. Stairways appear andelaborately dressed Follies Girls climb into position for afinal tableau.)

THE BOYS GIRLSI'm up among the stars; Oooo - Wah!On earthly things I frown. Oooo - Wah!I'm throwing off the bars I'm throwing off the barsThat held me down. That held me down.

THE COMPANY

Who could ask for anything more?!

(Applause and the music segues:)

CURTAIN

23. CURTAIN CALLS

The Boys (except MINGO, MOOSE & SAM)Let me give you the low down:I'm k-ra-zy for you.When it comes to show down --I'm k-ra-zy for you.And so, though love may not inspire my lingo.Still it's making my heart goBango! Bingo!

(Bows, all PRINCIPALS enter ,BOBBY & POLLY last.)

THE COMPANYEmbrace me,My sweet embraceable you,Embrace meYou irreplaceable youDon't be a naughty baby;

POLLYCome to Polly --

BOBBYCome to Bobby --

POLLY AND BOBBYDo!

THE COMPANYMy sweet embraceable you.



(Dance break. - the FOLLIES GIRLS enter.)

THE COMPANY

Old man troubleI don't mind him --You won't find him

(Tap break.)

I got starlightI got sweet dreams,I got my man/gal --Who could ask for anything more?Who could ask for anything more?!Who could ask for anything more?!!End of Act Two

24. EXIT MUSIC

crazy for you_script

Documents