Creating Resilient Kids through Connection

Dr. Michael Cheng, Resilient and Ready,

Centurion Centre, Ottawa, Tues, Sep 18, 2012

Human beings are social creatures...

• Humans cannot survive on their own

• They must require others for survival

• Thus, the core drive of every person is to be connected to other people

• Healthy connections (“secure attachments”) between children/youth and nurturing adults is the single most important factor that contributes to resiliency

Bowlby, 1940; Ainsworth, 1979; Schore, 2001; Neufeld, 2004

Q. Why are young children so happy and confident (compared to older children?)

A. Young children are happy/more confident because they are deeply connected (attached) to parents

ParentChild

1. Young children express their needs…

2. Parents meet the needs

Q. Why are they so well connected? Because of the ‘attachment cycle’…

ParentChild 3. Forms an attachment

With secure attachment (i.e. when a child’s needs are consistently met), it is more likely that a child will have the seeds of resiliency…

I can count on my parents… I can trust others…

I am loved… I am a good person…I am competent…I am capable…

View of World

View of Self

Although children need strong attachments to parents, unfortunately often child-parent attachments weaken as children grow older…

ParentChild

Q. If a child turns away from parents, who do they often turn to instead of parents?

ParentChild

A. Peers

Child Parent(s)

Peers

Dalai Lama, 1998; Neufeld, 2005

Negative behaviours

Technology / Consumerism

A. Turning to 1) peers, 2) things (“consumerism”), 3) negative behaviours is bad because… • They can never meet a child’s emotional/ attachment

needs as well as only healthy parents can • Only parents can reliably provide emotional support,

acceptance and validation • Especially with peers

– Friendships come and go– Peers are still maturing and changing– Your BFF one day can be your worst enemy the

next…

Why do today’s kids turn away

from their parents as they get older?

Q. Back in the old days, what did kids learn about parents from these shows?

VIDEO CLIP: MODERN TV SHOW

2010 Kaiser Family Foundation Survey

• U.S. children/teens– 7 hr/day

• ”Entertainment screens" – Television, cell phones, hand-held

games, iPads, Internet games, Facebook and video games

– 2-hrs/day• Violent video games

American Academy of Paediatrics, Media Policy Statement

What so bad about video games?

VIDEO CLIP: MODERN VIDEO GAME

VIDEO CLIP: DEBRIEF

Q. What does this do to a child’s brain? Q. What does this teach you about life, dealing with conflict, and relationships?

Video games are bad

• Research confirms numerous harmful effects of video games – Behaviour / mood / relationships

•E.g. Decreased empathy / Increased narcissism

– Physical health, sleep • Video games are however, great for

– Training combat soldiers – Creating children/youth who lack empathy

and see violence as a way of solving problems

American Academy of Paediatrics, Media Policy Statement

Modern technology may be harming our relationships

• Deeper intimacy in relationships being replaced by superficial, weak connections– “I have 500 Facebook

friends, but I can’t really talk to anyone”

– “Facebook depression”• Facebook cited by name in

1/3 of divorce filings (UK study, 2011)

Dr. Gwenn O'Keeffe, 2011; Dr. Sherry Turkle, MIT and TEDS Talk

You can be the best parent(s) and your child

can still have mental health issues

Dandelions vs. Orchids…

• Most children/youth are dandelions

• Needs are low enough that they can take root and survive almost anywhere

• “Ordinary children”

• Some children are orchids

• Fragile, special/high needs, needing special care

• But capable of blooming spectacularly

Neufeld’s Six Ways Connect to Your Child(i.e. Six Ways our Kids

Need Us)

The good news – parents can ultimately do a better job at meeting a child’s (six) attachment needs…

Child Parent(s)

Peers

Dalai Lama, 1998; Neufeld, 2005

Negative behaviours

Technology / Consumerism

Neufeld’s Six Attachment Needs, or Six Ways of Attaching…

Mode Connection through…

Senses Being physically near another person through seeing, hearing, touch, etc. “I like being together with him/her…”

Sameness Connect by having something in common with another person, either naturally or by copying “We have a lot in common…”

Significance Connect by being helpful, valuable, useful to another person, e.g. altruism“I can depend on him/her… And s/he depends on me…”

Belonging and loyalty

Connect by being loyal to attachments (or people) that we value, and not sharing those attachments (or people) with others“I feel that s/he is loyal to me… That s/he has my back…”

Heartfelt love Connect by expressing heartfelt love and affection“I feel loved…”

Being known Connect by confiding in another and being accepted by another no matter what“I feel loved/accepted for whom I am, and no matter what…”

Neufeld's Six Attachment Modes: From superficial to deep, ways to attach to another

Neufeld, 2005

6a. Provide deep empathy and

validation

Your close (female) friend / spouse tells you about the horrible day that she is having…

• Q. Most of the time, what does your friend want you to do? 1) Give brilliant advice, 2) Listen and validate those feelings

Your close (female) friend / spouse tells you about the horrible day that she is having…

• Q. Most of the time, what does your friend want you to do? 1) Give brilliant advice, 2) Listen and validate those feelings

Listen for feelings, accept and validate

• When your child is telling you about a problem– Listen to your child the

same way you'd listen to a friend

• Use active listening – repeat what you have heard to show that you are listening

• Acknowledge, validate and accept what feelings your child has

• Feelings are never wrong

I want to tell my mom, but I’m so worried she’s just going to nag!

Connect: Listen for feelings, accept and validate

(Crying) I can’t believe he broke up with me…

There, there, don’t cry… You only knew him a short time… You’ll find someone else…

Connect: Listen for feelings, accept and validate

(Crying) I can’t believe he broke up with me…

I’m so sorry… Let me give you a hug…

The power of connection and tears…When we cry enough (with support), we can grieve the loss, and then we are able to cope with the stress…

Okay, I feel a lot better now… I’m glad she’s better…

And I didn’t really do anything at all than listen!

‘Connection BEFORE Direction’ -- Don’t jump to ‘Directing’ / ‘Correcting’

(Crying) I can’t believe he broke up with me…

There, there, don’t cry… You only knew him a short time… You’ll find someone else…

Crying is good because parents can then provide comfort

• When your child is upset, explore your child’s feelings so that your child can ‘grieve’ about whatever the stress is

• Crying with a parent is– 1) Therapeutic and help

your child’s brain process the sadness so that it is better the next time around

– 2) Therapeutic by helping your child see that s/he can turn to you for support

1:1 time

When you are dating someone…

• You’re interested in getting a deeper connection with someone…

• Do you say, – 1) “Hey, let's go on a

group date together!”, or – 2) “Let's go out, just you

and me…!”

Spend 1:1 time with your child

▪ As a parent▪ Have regular,

scheduled times where you spend 1:1 time with your child

▪ 1:1 time encourages deeper communication and connection than with other family members around…

Summary

Its all about our connections...

Siblings

Child

FriendsRelatives

FatherMother

OthersSchool

Is my child resilient?

• Does my child have healthy connections?– E.g. parents– E.g. siblings– E.g. school / community / peers

• With each connection, how deep is it? – Are they based on

• Spending time together• Having things in common • Being loyal• Being valued• Expressing affection/love• Being able to confide feelings and feeling

validated and accepted no matter what?

For more information about attachment-based approaches…

Where to get help in Ottawa

Key Mental Health Services in Ottawa

• Your child’s family doctor / paediatrician • In a crisis

– Child, Youth, Family Crisis Line of Eastern Ontario (www.icrs.ca) • Hospitals

– Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (age 0-16)– Royal Ottawa (ROMHC) (age 16+)

• Child/youth mental health agencies – Centre psychosociale pour enfants/famille – Youth Services Bureau (YSB) (age 12-20)– Crossroads Children’s Centre (age 0-12)

• Private practice professionals– E.g. psychologists/social workers, counsellors

• Information & Referral – PLEO Parent Navigator Service (www.pleo.on.ca) – eMentalHealth (www.eMentalHealth.ca)– 211

For more information about mental health and where to find help…

Questions about Communication

Question

• Q. What does "at risk" look like? • A. The “at risk” child is the child who is not resilient, i.e.

child who does not have strong connections in his/her life, for example: – The child is not attached to mom, dad, siblings,

family, school, community, interests/activities, spirituality, peers...

– Or the child who is only superficially attached, but not at a deep level

• A child who spends time with parents/peers, but who is not truly able to talk with parents about his/her feelings

– Or the child who seeks attachments with the wrong things, e.g. peers over parents, negative behaviours…

Question

• Q. When there are rules/consequences imposed on our children that they don't agree with, can these be "triggers"?

• A. There will be times when you have to set a limit or consequence around necessary (and not trivial) things. When you set the consequence, it is important to maintain the connection with your child.– Do this by always staying calm – Do this by emphasizing common goals with your child– Overcome the pain of the break in the connection

(which happens when you have a consequence) by talking about the reunion

– Ensure that before you set a consequence and withdraw from the emotional bank account, that you have a reserve already built up.

Example: Parent has to discipline their child who failed a test because of not doing any work...

• Ahead of time, build up the emotional bank account by making sure that you spend regular 1:1 time with your child

• Parent (calmly): “We need to sit down and talk about your math test. Do you want to talk about it now, or another time?”

• Parent: “You know how you want to be a video game designer one day? I’m worried that’s not going to happen if you keep failing your math classes. What do you think?”

• Parent: “I’m really sorry about this, but because you’ve not kept up with your homework, we are taking away your TV privileges for the next week, as we have talked about.”

• Parents: “I can see your angry. That’s fine. I love you, and we’ll get through this. I agree, this is frustrating, and I want you to have your privileges back. When you regularly do your work for the next week, you’ll get back your privileges.”

Empathy can be used in all situations, even when setting consequences/limits and your child is upset at you

(Crying) I can’t believe you’re taking my cell phone away! You guys are so mean! I hate you!

I can see your frustrated… I’d feel frustrated if I were in your shoes too. That’s fine… I love you. We’ll work through this… Do want me to stay and be with you, or do you want me to come back in a few minutes?

Question...

• Q. How can we stay calm and not over react when my child is expressing him/herself?

• A. Helpful thoughts to tell yourself as a parent:– “I am glad my child is letting me know how s/he feels.

”– “Thank god that s/he feels comfortable enough to

confide in me.”– “I have an opportunity to support my child...”– “Children do well if they can… every child wants to be

successful, and cope well with life, school, home, friends/peers... If they can’t, its because of something getting in the way...”