Creating Respective Relationship in Homes and Schools

Positive Parenting

Royal international Language Schools

What do you want

for your children?

Mistakes are opportunities to learnMorning hassles Work ethics,

time management

Fighting Conflict resolution

Temper tantrums Communication skills

Lying, stealing, Courage, responsibilitycheating

What have you tried?

Mr. Punishment

Long term results of Punishment

Resentment: “This is unfair”

“I can’t trust adults”

Rebellion: “They can’t make me”

“I’ll do what I want”

Revenge: “I’ll get even and hurt back, even if it hurts me”

Retreat:₋ Low self-esteem: “I must be a bad person”

₋ Sneaky: “I just won’t get caught next time”

What else is there?

Kind AND FirmValidate feeling, show understanding. and follow through

• I know you want to stay with your friend, And it’s time to go.

• I know you would rather watch T.V than do your homework, and the homework needs to be done.

• I know you don’t want to pick up your toys, and what was our agreement.

• You don’t want to go to bed, and it’s time to sleep. Do you want 1 or 2 stories once you put on your pajamas?

• I know you don’t want to brush your teeth, and we’ll do it together? What to race?

Competent Giant

When we know better,Why don’t we always do better?

What happens?

How does our brain work?

When our kids misbehave

We become AFRAID that:

• They will be “monsters forever.” We cannot

• We are “not doing our job.” think

• “children will get away with it.” rationally

Punitive time out

Naughty cornerWhat do you think this child thinks, feels and decides?

Children dobetter when they

feel better

To help your child cool off;

you need to cool off first.

What can help you cool off ?

Cooling off time

What do you think this child thinks, feels and decides?

My Childwon’t listen

لك ...”“ قلت مرة كام

Asking Vs. Telling

• Asking creates a process of thinking and searching in the brain.

• Curiosity questions invites cooperation, and the child feels capable.

• Telling stagnates thinking.

• Telling creates physiological resistance in the body.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR CHILD?

5 Criteria of Positive Discipline

1. Respectful.

2. Helps the child to feel belonging and significance.

3. Effective long-term.

4. Teaches life-skills.

5. Empowers.

There isn’t any parenting tool that works every

time for every child.That’s why you need many of them.

NurtureHelp the child feel

Belonging and Significance

Help him blossomYou can guarantee to do your best,

but you can’t guarantee the results!

Feelings

Usingfeelings

effectively

Belief behind the behavior

The child tries to find the answers for 3 questions:

1. Who am I?

2. What the world looks like?

3. What should I do to survive and thrive? (how to belong and be significant?)

Then he sends us a coded message….

Break the

Code

I belong when I’m noticed

Child Belief

Adult Behavio

r

Child Goal

Adult Feelin

g

Child Behavior

I will keep them busy

Keeps asking for things

Reminding doing things

Annoyed, worried,

guilty

Who should

break the cycle?

Mistaken Goal ChartParent/teacher proactive and empowering responses include:

Coded messages

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

And if thechild’s response is:

And tends to react by:

If the parent /teacher feels:

The Child’s goal is:

•Redirect by involving child in a useful task to gain useful attention.•Ignore (touch without words)•Say what you will do. “I love you and ------.” (Example: I care about you and will spend time with you later.) •Avoid special service.•Have faith in child to deal with feelings (don’t fix or rescue ).•Plan special time.•Set up routines.•Engage child in problem-solving.•Use family/class meetings.•Set up non-verbal signals.

Notice Me – Involve Me Usefully

I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me.

Stops temporarily but later resumes same or another disturbing behavior

Reminding Coaxing Doing things for the child he/she could do for him/her self

Annoyed Irritated Worried Guilty

Undue Attention (to keep others busy or to get special service)

•Redirect to Positive power•By asking for help•Offer limited choices•Don’t fight and don’t give in: withdraw from conflict.•Be firm and kind.•Act, don’t talk.•Decide what you will do.•Let routines be the boss.•Leave and calm down.•Develop mutual respect.•Set a few reasonable limits.•Practice follow-through•Use family/class meetings.

Let Me Help- Give Me Choices

I belong only when I’m boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can’t make me.

Intensifies behavior Defiant compliance Feels he/she’s won when parent/teacher is upset Passive Power

Fighting Giving in Thinking “You can’t get away with it” or “I’ll make you” wanting to be right

Challenged Threatened Defeated

Misguided Power (to be boss)

•Acknowledge hurt feelings.•Avoid feeling hurt.•Avoid punishment and retaliation.•Build trust.•Use reflective listening.•Share your feelings.•Make amends.•Show you care.•Act, don’t talk.•Encourage strengths.•Put kids in same boat.•Use family/class meetings.

I’m Hurting-Validate My Feelings

I don’t think I belong so I’ll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can’t be liked or loved.

Retaliates Intensifies Escalates the same behavior or chooses another weapon

Retaliating Getting even Thinking “How could you do this to me?”

Hurt Disappointed Disbelieving Disgust

Revenge (to get even)

•Break task down to small steps.•Stop all criticism.•Encourage any positive attempt.•Have faith in child’s abilities.•Focus on assets.•Don’t pity.•Don’t give up.•Set up opportunities for success.•Teach skills/show how . But don’t do for; enjoy the child.•Build on his/her interests.•Use family/class meetings.

Don’t Give Up On Me – Show Me A Small Step

I can’t belong because I’m not perfect, so I’ll convince others not to expect any-thing of me; I am helpless and unable; It’s no use trying because I won’t do it right.

Retreats further Passive No improvement No response

Giving up Doing for Over helping

Despair Hopeless Helpless Inadequate

Assumed Inadequacy (to give up and be left alone)

Connectionbefore

Correction

No body is perfectPositive Discipline is not about being a perfect parent

Sometimes you feel good Sometimes you feel

about being a parent defeated and not knowing

what to do

Working for improvement is healthy, perfectionism is not.

4 Rs of recoveryfrom mistakes.

1. Recognition

Realize that you made a mistake “I made a mistake”

2. Responsibility

Take responsibility for your part of the conflict “I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings”

3. Reconciliation

Apologize: “I’m sorry for treating you disrespectfully and for any hurt I may have created.”

4. Resolution

Work on an agreement of what both of you can do that will be respectful and effective if the problem occurs again, or what either of you can do to fix any damage that might have been done.

Things often get worse

before they get better

Usual Parenting

Effective Parenting

parents can helpparents

Make a Fist

Winning over Children

• Creates a struggle.• Creates a winner and a

loser.• Short term effect.• Negative life skill.• Produces rebellious or

submissive children.

Winning Children over

• Invites cooperation.• Both sides are winners.• Long term effect.• Positive life skill.• Produces good character.

How can IHelp

my child?

Consequences

Natural Consequences

• Happen naturally with no adult’s

interference.

• When you don’t eat; you get

hungry.

• Avoid saying anything that will

add MORE shame, pain or blame.

• Show empathy and understanding.

• No rescuing or fixing.

I GOT WET

Logical Consequences

• Require adult intervention.

• Should help the child learn

life & social skills.

• When appropriate; follow the Four Rs:.RelatedRespectfulReasonableRevealed in advance when possible

Focus on

Solutions

Solutions should be:

1. Related

2. Respectful

3. Reasonable

4. Helpful

EnablingVs.

Empowering

Enabling is ..

Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices.

You are Enabling when you:1. Do /give them too much.

2. Bribe and /or reward.

3. Over protect (physically and emotionally).

4. Lie for them.

5. Punish / control.

6. Lecture.

7. Blame and shame.

8. Live in denial.

9. Rescue /Fix

Empowering is ..

Turning over control to your kids so they have power over their own lives and can learn from their mistakes.

Empowering is when you:

1. Show faith.

2. Respect privacy.

3. Express your limits

4. Listen without fixing, discounting, or judging.

5. Decide what you will do with dignity and respect.

6. Follow through with kindness and firmness.

Empowering continued…..

7. Let go off their issues without abandoning them.

8. Make agreements.

9. Love and encourage.

10. Ask for help..

11.Share your feelings.

12.Do joint problem solving.

13.Use respectful communication.

14.Give information instead of orders.

15.Encourage learning from mistakes.

Choices

What does giving choices teach?

Practice creating choices

Agreements firstthen

Follow Through

Four Hints for effective Follow- Through:

1. Keep comments simple and concise. “I notice you didn’t tidy up your room. Please do it now.”

2. In response to objections; ask, “What was our agreement?”.

3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. Point to your watch. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again.

4. When the child conceals to keep the agreement (sometimes obviously annoyed) say, “Thank you for keeping our agreement.”

My Way You Way

Children do what you do, not what you tell them to do

.

Parents can help

parents

.

Continuum of change

Labeling

Focus on strengths

A Misbehaving Child

is a Discouraged Child

How to encourage

my child?

RoutineChart

Love Cup

Please be seated

Cooperative Juggling

FamilyMeeting

Family Meeting Agenda

• Compliments• Challenges

• Evaluate last week’s solutions• Focus on solutions for this week’s challenges

• Special Event

• Meal Planning

• Calendar

• Family togetherness event planning

• Family Fun

Family Fun

See the Change You Want to See in People…

• Why become a parent educator?• Changing your personal & professional life

• 24 hours workshop• Training on how to lead workshops

• Reading PD book

• You will be assigned activities to be presented in front of your group – receive thorough feedback

Thank You