• Curtain – on phone• Hello… Sergeant Foley? … May I speak to

Inspector Levine, please• Oh? Do you know where he is? At the Corban home?

I’m calling from the Corban home. He’s not here.

• Well, maybe you can help me, Sergeant? Have you any information about Elizabeth Corban?

• Sergeant, I know she’s missing. I reported her disappearance. I’m her husband.

• Look, didn’t the Inspector leave a number where he can be reached? Oh? Good…

• Okay… what’s the number?... Thanks a lot, that’s my number! Never mind! [hang up]

• And give my regards to your boss – Mack Sennett. [make a drink, sound of a car]

• Inspector Levine…

• … they’re in such a hurry to start relaxing.• You need this.

• … you two expecting someone?

• … You tell me.. Have you brought me news?

• I brought you a sandwich.

• I don’t need a sandwich. I need a wife.

… Here, you must be hungry

• I am, Inspector, for news about my wife. For three days you’ve been sitting on your hands.

• .. If you wanted personal attention, lose your wife in the city.

• I’ll remember that next time, Inspector. But right now, would you mind telling me what you’ve done?

• … Every trooper in the East is watching for a yellow Marlin Rambler – Michigan PPL 1412

• And that’s all?• Well, if she robs a bank, we’ll put her

picture in every post office.• What a police force! You can’t find a beautiful girl in

a yellow marlin who couldn’t get past Mr. Magoo!

• … if it’s insults I’m looking for, I could call my wife.

• Inspector, I’m upset. Forgive me.

• … you hope he’ll ask you to sit down and rest for awhile.

• Sorry, Inspector, please sit down.

• … The bloodhounds gotta be organized.

• She’s probably insured.

• … The more hanky-panky I catch, the less insurance you pay.

• Too bad they don’t sell “missing wife” insurance. Then maybe you’d look for Elizabeth instead of that bracelet.

• Here, eat. This comes from Sidney’s Sandwich Shoppe – the best.

• Inspector, in case I haven’t mentioned it lately…

• Your wife?

• yes

• Sidney, you’re a genius. This sandwich belongs in Tiffany’s window.

• Inspector…

• So she’s gone Corban. So what? My wife’s gone too.

• What?

• … where would your wife go for labour day weekend?

• inspector

• … back to hot steaming rockaway for a labour day weekend

• At least you know where she is. My wife has disappeared.

• … in 96% of these cases, they come back.

• Just what I need – another keystone cop!

• … my men don’t go looking for unfaithful wives… not while they’re on duty.

• My wife is not unfaithful

• Oh?

• We had a quarrel. It was late at night. We’d both had a few drinks. I don’t think either of us knew what we were saying.

• What were you saying?

• I wasn’t saying anything. Scouts honor! I was just lying on the couch listening to Stravinsky…

• I happen to like stravinsky. In fact, I was playing the recording for the third time…

• Suddenly, Liz leaped from the chair, called me a musical snob, ran over to the stereo and broke my stravinsky records.

• So what did you do?

• Well, you know how these things go.

• Corban, did you hit her?

• No, I swear to you.

• What did you do?

• Well, I broke her sinatra record. Then liz got terribly angry, stormed out of here, and drove down the hill in my rambler.

• You shouldn’t have given her the keys

• She has her own keys

• … now you’re protected, in case she runs wild.

• I’m more worried about her driving wild. To Liz, 70 miles an hour is crawling…

• To my wild, willful, wonderful wife – wherever she may be…

• And to yours in rockaway, wherever that may be.

• Do you two fight a lot?

• We’ve been married only two weeks. How many fights could we have?

• … but it’s lasted ten years. Did you try calling Detroit?

• I phoned a dozen times. I even sent a special delivery letter to her apartment…

• I should say our apartment – that’s where we’re planning to live.

• And?

• The letter came right back. She had her mail forwarded here.

• Relatives? Friends?

• We don’t have many friends in common. She has some distant relatives on the west coast, but I don’t know them yet…

• We only met a month ago – at the race track in harbor springs.

• The track?

• It was one of my lucky days.

• You won?

• Lost a bundle! But met her. I was standing at the rail and…

• As the horses crossed the finish line, this girl next to me got so excited…

• She threw her arms around me. I lost the race, but won Elizabeth.

• And now you lost her again. Well… easy come, easy go.

• That’s not funny!

• Don’t let it throw you corban. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

• You’re right. I’ll just continue the honeymoon as if nothing happened.

• In any case, you’ll hear from me in a flash if she’s reported injured or deceased.

• You don’t mean that, do you?

• These things happen

• dammit, elizabeth, where are you?

• … will you be all right here? All by yourself?

• I’ll be alright levine, I have a little 20-year-old friend taking care of me

• What!... Come on, ride over to the hotel with me. You could use the fresh air

• I want to stay by this phone. Inspector, you will step up your search?

• Yeah yeah. Meanwhile, if you get the urge to call me again….

• Yes?

• [Priest enters] Hello God be with you

• You scared the hell out of me! Sorry. Who are you?

• A humble servant of our lord, mr. corban. You are Daniel Corban, aren’t you?

• Yes…

• I’m … You knew my predecessor, Father Rinaldi?

• I’m new around here. Frankly, it never occurred to me there was a grossinger diocese.

• This is sullivan county, you know.

• True. A harmless nip, Father?

• Thank you… I have a medallion for your wife.

• My wife gave you a donation?

• Indeed… Here’s your medallion.

• And here’s your drink. I’ll be happy to give this to my wife father…

• If she returns. You see, the “good woman” has left my bed and board.

• Oh. How unfortunate.

• Well, anyway… to the charitable mrs. Corban.

• God love her.

• And may god keep her. I sure haven’t been able to.

• You seem distressed my son. Perhaps if you unburden yourself.

• Please, father, no sermons.

• sermons? Mr. Corban… do you still love your wife?

• Father, just a month ago, the only important things to me were…

• My score on the golf course, my tailor, cocktail parties…

• Liz changed all that. She was warm and loving.

• Saintly qualities.

• Who’d think that in the mad, mad world of harbor springs, I’d find a girl so inward, so introspective.

• Inward beauty is the light of god.

• St tomas a-kwine-us?

• You may be right. Do go on.

• Two weeks later we were back in detroit. Father, we were in such a rush…

• We got married first thing in the morning, right in the office

• My boss and his secretary were witnesses…

• Liz and I were so anxious to be alone together, liz must have averaged 90 miles and hour driving here.

• Uh-huh. Go on.• Well… here we were, father.. Nothing but mountain

peaks for miles around. It was perfection

• Why did she leave?• When I said that elizabeth was inward,

father, I meant she was restrained in public…

• But here, one minute gentle as a sylvan brook, the next, a thundering tidal wave.

• You put it so picturesquely

• I’m in advertising father. Anyway, three nights ago, we had a little squabble..

• This time, I couldn’t stop the tidal wave. She stormed out of here, drove off, and I haven’t heard from her since.

• Mr. Corban… with nothing but words of love?

• Of course.

• [elizabeth enters, then father:] I’m so happy for you both.

• Father…

• No need to say anything. It was only my duty.

• Father, that woman is not my wife.

• What?

• She’s not elizabeth. I have never seen her before in my life.

• Really, corban, you said no reproaches. Well, my task is accomplished.

• Father, I don’t know that woman!

• She certainly talks and acts like your wife.

• A man should know the woman he married, especially on his honeymoon.

• But you’ve been under… perhaps the sudden shock of seeing her again.

• I’ll say it’s a shock! Father, that isn’t the woman who gave you a donation last week, is it?

• Why, yes.

• Are you sure?

• Catholic face in the catskills, you don’t forget it easily

• Then this medallion should go to her, not my wife.

• Mr. corban, is this some kind of joke?

• It sure is father, and I intend to make the most of it…

• Miss! Come out of my bedroom! Stick around father, we’re going to have some fun.

• [elizabeth and father, then elizabeth:] feels so good to be back, I love this place, and you too, darling.

• Come here, baby… you have no right to kiss me that way.

• [surprised elizabeth, then incredulous father:] she’s a wonderful woman.

• She’s an imposter!

• Danny!

• Father, you brought her here. Now you take her back where you found her.

• Danny, what are you saying?

• The act is over, baby.

• [elizabeth trying to reason with danny, then] oh-oh danny, you know dr. ackerman said this was bad for your nerves.

• Who the hell is he?

• Elizabeth says “attack” the father: oh… I understand.

• I don’t have nerves… I don’t have attacks! What the hell is she trying to do?

• Danny please… I don’t understand. I could usually calm him down.

• She’s lying. She never calmed me down. I mean…

• What am I arguing about? I can put a zipper on this whole thing in minutes. I’m call the police.

• Danny, don’t!

• Getting scared?

• Danny, please.. I’m asking you not to

• I hardly expected you to second the motion…

• Well? I’m going to make the call. What are you going to do?

• Nothing

• Nothing?

• If you want to make us both look foolish, go ahead.

• I warn you… the local inspector knows all about my wife’s disappearance…

• You’d better have some good answers ready. You won’t fool Levine for a minute.

• I hope we’re doing the right thing.

• Hello, inspector levine, please.

• Perhaps I’d… he’s not overjoyed at all.

• Hello, levine? This is corban…

• Levine, for once in your life, don’t talk, listen. A woman, a woman is trying to forcer her way into my home…

• What? Yes, yes she’s good looking. What does that have to do with it? …

• I wish I could send her to your house . Levine I’m serious. Please come over right away…

• You’ll stay, won’t you?

• Poor danny.• Poor you. Levine is going to be here in a

second!

• I’m worried father.

• It’s about time! And time is running out. You’d better hurry.

• I only hope he doesn’t take my husband away.

• Take me away!

• To a rest home.

• Oooh! That’s it. Now the wrapping comes off the package. You found out elizabeth..

• Is missing. You come here posing as her, and now you want to convince…

• Everyone I’ve flipped. Put me away, and start spending my money.

• What money?

• You actually think you can get away with it?

• Darling, are we that rich? ….Darling, I love you in spite of your money.

• You keep away from me, lady. What do you know about my wife? Where is she?

• Father: that must be the inspector.

• Levine! Thank god. Well, congratulations lady, you’ve just won yourself a free weekend in the catskills….

• Courtesy of sullivan county. Inspector! Inspector! [comes back with levine]…

• Levine, I’ve never seen anything as brazen in my life. It’s incredible. Look!

• I’m elizabeth corban inspector. My absence has upset my husband terribly.

• She’s lying inspector. She’s lying.

• You mean you’re not upset?

• Arrest her levine!

• For what

• For – for - impostery

• Im what?

• She’s posing as my wife. Arrest her!

• [levine – you’re fizzing, then elizabeth:] listen to your friend darling.

• Don’t call me darling. You’re a perfect stranger.

• [levine and father, father:] the poor man no longer recognizes his wife.

• Do you want to see my wife levine? Do you really want to see my wife? I’ll show you.

• Has he got a wife in every room?• My pictures, my pictures, where the hell

are those pictures…

• Levine, I found those snapshots I told you about, and now they’re gone…

• You were in that room a while ago.

• I just hung up some things darling.

• You took my photographs. The pictures of elizabeth and me at harbor springs…

• She’s not only an imposter, she’s a thief. She stole my snapshots

• Danny, you’re impossible.

• Do you deny it?• [levine] your wife goes awol and when she come’s back,

she’s not your wife. What’s that supposed to mean?

• That woman is not elizabeth!

• Don’t shoult, I got 20-20 hearing.

• Inspector, that, is, not, my, wife.

• Tough luck. Who is she?

• I don’t know, but I know who she isn’t.

• [levine asks liz and father to step out. Father:]come, mrs. corban

• I was sitting here calmly

• You calmly?... Identification please

• What?

• [all the cards in the wallet] do not stop at go, do not collect 200

• What?

• What do you do for a living besides collect credit cards?

• I’m an account executive for parker, parker and lowe. Advertising.

• Advertising what?

• Marlins. I handle newspaper and magazine copy.

• Is this a publicity gimmick?

• No inspector. “lose your wife in a marlin” does not enhance the company image.

• I dunno… do they give you free samples?• As a matter of fact, a few of us upper-echelon men are

privileged to drive our client’s product… is that an important question?

• Just curious… tall, slender beanpoles? I like ‘em short.

• You may have something there, levine. Compact girls for a compact car. I’ll take it up with mr. parker.

• Your boss?

• yes. Everett parker jr. He lent us this nest for our honeymoon.

• Oh.

• Okay, inspector, I confess. I borrowed this chalet. Does that reduce my status in your eyes?

• I should have such friends… to have a place in the catskills.

• What’s your message?

• I mean, commuting distance, it’s not.

• Well, to put it in your own inimitable style, “on the head, you have hit the nail.”

• What?

• Remember those models you were drooling over?

• The gorgeous beanpoles?

• This is mr. parker’s “model house.”

• So what does parker do about his wife?

• Oh, he brings her up here now and then. He has to. She paid for it. Look, who’s getting investigated here?

• Nobody… corban, you were on your honeymoon…

• We arrived two weeks ago, and it was paradise.

• Naturally, with a wife like that.

• How many times must I – I must find a way to get through to you…

• In advertising, we find visual aids are very effective. You can read, can’t you inspector?

• But why… I’m looking for a motive.

• How do I know? She’s some kind of screwball.

• Well, the usual reason is money. Are you rich?

• No, but I do all right.

• Maybe you stand to inherit a bundle?

• I’m an orphan, since I was five. No relatives.

• Insurance?

• Quite a bit. More than I can afford.

• The beneficiary?

• Liz, of course. The night we arrived here, I wrote to the company instructing them to make liz the beneficiary.

• Aha!

• What’s that supposed to mean?

• Levin’s law!... Cherchez le hanky panky.

• You mean… if this woman becomes mrs. Corban.. I might become the late mr. corban?

• Accidentally.

• that’s fantastic! How could she hope to get away with it?

• She couldn’t your real wife wouldn’t stand for it.

• That’s right. Find my real wife, levine. She’ll expose this fraud…

• Intensify the search. Use the wire services, the state troopers, the fbi.

• [levine and father:] worried about her husband’s excitable nature

• Hah!

• [father and levine:] father, in your opinion, is that woman elizabeth corban?

• He never saw elizabeth!

• Who has seen your wife since you’ve been in carlton?

• Who?

• Who.

• We arrived late at night. Only one store was open, a delicatessen.

• Sidney’s. What did you buy?

• Two weeks of groceries and a bottle of aspirin.

• Your wife went in with you.

• She was tired. She stayed in the car.

• Did you take her dancing at the carlton lake?

• no

• Didja play golf?

• no

• Go swimming?

• No.

• Hey, didja go to the trotters, in monticello?

• no

• A real indoor type honeymoon. Tell me, does the mailman come up here to deliver?

• There’s a box at the bottom of the road.

• So we’re back to nowhere.

• Levine, there are hundreds of people who saw us in harbor springs, on the way here, the restaurants.

• Great, I’ll…because a man had a fight with his wife.

• I love my wife, and I’ll pay anything, to get those witnesses.

• [elizabeth comes in, levine is interrogating. Elizabeth:] thought for one minute that danny would react this way.

• Hah!• [elizabeth and levine:] care blanche, club,

club, club

• What!

• [douglas?] elizabeth: my maiden name.

• It’s a forgery! How did you get that?

• [corrective lenses] levine: I’ll say!

• Let me ask the questions. I’ll show up this fraud.

• Go ahead. I’d love to see an armchair detective in action.

• All right, mata hari, we’ll see how well you’ve learned your part…

• Which train did we take to detroit?

• Danny, we took a plane. Don’t you remember?

• Which plane?

• American airlines, flight 401.

• What’s my unlisted phone number?

• Woodward 6-4321. Levine: go ahead, still your serve.

• What was your mother’s maiden name?

• Is that right?

• I don’t know. I never asked her.

• Brilliant… you don’t know the answers.

• The night before we were married, we spent the night in a hotel in detroit. Which one?

• Danny, please!

• You said you’d never forget that night. Well? Getting an attack of amnesia, darling?

• No, modesty. All right, hotel commander, rm. 355

• Wrong! Levine, I’ve got her!

• So she’s a couple of numbers off.

• We didn’t stay at the commander at all! There’s my proof!

• [levine checks] we’ll sit and wait

• No more questions. I’ve cracked her now.

• We’ll wait… tattoo? Something only a wife could know.

• You’re right, you’re right. As a matter of fact, I have a scar. All right, lady, where is it.

• Darling, please• I had a car accident some years ago, and I still beat a

noticeable scar. At least one that my wife should have noticed.

• [pictures trickery, elizabeth] telling the inspector my husband has a scar on his left shoulder…

• He told you, didn’t he. Levine, you heard him! You saw him. He said “the upper shelf..”

• The upper shelf! And then he raised the pitcher with his left hand. He’s working with her. They’re a team!

• What?• He’s a crook, too!• Corban, this is a man of god.

• I don’t believe it. Don’t you see, levine? When she gave him that donation, it wasn’t a donation.

• It was the snapshots she stole from my bedroom. The pictures taken in harbor springs…

• At the pool. That’s how she knew where my scar was!

• [father and levine:] you don’t mind, do you father?

• Open it! Open it, levine! You’ll find my pictures in there!

• Corban,… sorry father.

• I don’t care! He’s a fraud! Don’t let that costume fool you. Have you ever seen him before?

• [levine then father] oh dear, I must have forgotten my wallet.

• What did I tell you? Father phony!

• [levine and father:] anything to give this poor man peace of mind.

• Make that call, levine. You’d better start buying some neckties.

• [levine calls, then father:] in fact he got me this parish.

• sure, sure.

• … he’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. Thank you father.

• They’ve got a whole organization against me!

• [father, levine:]also, commander hotel checks out. You must forgot.

• It’s a lie. I didn’t forget. I was never there.

• Look, we just checked with the desk clerk.

• Then they bought him off. The got to him! They must have an army of agents, all over the country.

• Absolutely right, emperor…. All your troops are in waterloo.

• Levine, let me ask some more questions.

• [levine, father, elizabeth:] I’ll fix a nice candlelight dinner for just the two of us, the way you like

• Won’t somebody take her away?

• [father, levine, elizabether, levine:]dr. ackerman, who’s he?

• One of the gang!

• He’s my husband’s doctor.

• Hah! Probably some underworld quack.

• [levine then elizabeth:] I wanted danny to, I guess it’s all right.

• It’s poison, levine. Take it to the lab. It’s poison!

• [elizabeth then levine:] he’s gonna fizz himself to death

• They want to drive me crazy. Shut me up in a little room in a mental hospital.

• [elizabeth then levine:]had a breakdown?

• I did not have a breakdown! I was exhausted, physically…

• And I spent a few days in a rest home. But my nerves are perfect. I’m perfectly sane!

• [elizabeth then levine] …now I gotta shove. Uh… Mrs. Corban?

• Levine!

• [yellow marline? Yes. Levine:] Swell. [phone rings]

• It’s for me! It’s for me!... It’s for you.• [levine takes call] couple of smudges in the signature

at commander in detroit… could be erasures.

• Smudges, levine, erasures! That proves I’m in a trap. Don’t leave, levine! You’ll never see me again!

• It’ll be checked out by tomorrow.• Tomorrow will be too late, something will happen,

something terrible, an accident. God knows what.

• Please, corban

• Don’t leave me alone.

• [elizabeth and levine] if there’s any trouble, call me, either of you.

• Wait, levine! Listen to me, we’ll find proof! You can’t let her get away with this! Levine!

• [elizabeth] where are you going?

• Uh, to get some ice. As my ever-loving wife, you should know I take it on the rocks.

• [elizabeth then father] there must be something I can do to help.

• As a matter of fact, there is. Have a drink?

• Thank you.

• Has the inspector left?

• [father and elizabeth] here’s the ice, darling, where’s your glass?

• “Darling” I just made a contribution to Father Kelleher, my drink.

• [father drops] you killed him!

• Inspector levine, don’t leave, help! Come quickly!

• [I bring Levine in as Elizabeth says] Buzzy! You’ll screw up everything! In there!

• He’s dead levine, dead! And that poison was meant for me! Look!

• [dead body? Elizabeth] not recently, inspector.

• She’s hidden it, we’ll search, we’ll find it. Look under the couch....

• In the bedroom! Oh, god!

• [father reappears] at touch of arthritis, comes and goes.

• Oh, my God! I’m finished! I’m finished!

• [levine leaves with father, then elizabeth] alone at last. I thought our company would never leave.

• When are you going?

• I’m not leaving… again.

• Oh, turn it off! Levine is gone, you can drop the act now.

• Didn’t you like my performance? I thought I carried it off very well.

• What do you know about my wife’s disappearance?...

• You wouldn’t dare pull a stunt like this unless you knew where she is…

• Where’s elizabeth?

• … I’m yours, till death do us part, remember?

• Till death do us part. I guess I’m supposed to panic now

• Not yet, Danny, that comes later.

• What they hell do you want?

• Money.

• Money? Me! That’s rich. You think this place is mine? The only mountain I own is a mountain of debts.

• We know that danny. You’re not worth anything, alive.

• I’m not worth any more dead. I haven’t anything worth… are you thinking of my insurance? You’d commit murder for a 100 thousand dollars?

• … natural causes, accidents, suicides

• Uh huh, and what’s my category?

• … it would take all the fun out of it for you.

• The suspense is killing me. I won’t be able to sleep.

• I’ll get you a tranquilizer.

• Oh, yes. You and your bushy-eyed buddy tried to make levine think I’m crazy. Is that part of your cockeyed plan?

• … all that shouting, denying I’m your wife.

• I can prove that you’re not! And when elizabeth shows up -

• … forgetting about the commander hotel.

• I NEVER.. Stayed at the commander.

• … seeing imaginary corpses…

• Set ups. I admit they were clever, but they don’t prove anything.

• … inspector levine seems to think…• I don’t care what levine things! Any psychiatrist

would give me a clean slate in five minutes.

• … “mental hospital” sounds so… depressing.

• It was a rest home!

• Have it your way, danny.

• How does all this tie up with collecting my insurance?

• You’ll find out danny, soon enough.

• It’s funny! It’s really funny. You’re going through all this, for what? …

• You think the insurance company is going to hand you the cash? They pay be check…

• A check for a hundred thousand, made out to elizabeth corban…

• How do you think you’re going to cash that?

• [bank is covered] the president himself will take care of poor, bereaved mrs. Corban.

• Why are you telling me all this? You know damned well I’m going to levine about it.

• What are you going to tell him, danny?• That you came here posing as my wife, that you opened

an account in new york so you could cash the check…

• After you kill me, but you plan to make it look like I was crazy.

• … and levine himself will make a reservation at the rest home.

• Where are the keys to my car?

• Where are you going?• I don’t know, to look for elizabeth,

anywhere! But I’m not staying here!• [I run out, come back] I thought you were

gone!• Nobody’s going anywhere. The party’s over. I’ve got the

proof I’ve been looking for, the one part of your plan that doesn’t fit.

• Yes?

• My key doesn’t fit your car!