daily joke

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2010

Pastor Bonus

Seminary12/12/2010

Daily Jowk

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A Birthday Wish

A Bunny Story

A Darkened Theater

A Faithful Woman

A Father's Sermon

A Good Day for Ice Fishing

A Heavenly Welcome

A Hole in One

A Letter Addressed to God

A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane«

A Prisoner's Last Request

A Publicist for Moses

A Puzzle for Darwin

A Rabbi and a Priest Buy a Car«

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker

A Twist on 'Oy Vey!'

A Unitarian Miracle and Other UU Jokes

A Very Special Cow

Adam & Eve Jokes for Kids

All About Adam

All I Need is a Miracle

American-Yiddish Dictionary

An Apocalyptic One-Liner

An Atheist's HolidayAn HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

An Imam's Sad Announcement

An Offering From the Bottom of My«.

Angelic Assistance?

Angry Witch

Bee Inconspicuous

Better Than Botox?

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Better Than Pork

Biblical Theme Songs

Big Mouth!

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

Born-Again Hindu

Buddhist Vacuum

Build Me a Bridge

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

Cajun ConfessionCan We Have a Hanukkah Tree?

Cast the First Stone

Caught on the Job

Chinese Jews

Christian One-Liners


Christmas Eve Accident

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Church Sign Chuckles

Compassion With an Umbrella

Conversion Dilemma

Converting to the Society of Friends

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

Cowboy in Church

Dead AtheistDead or Alive?

Deliverance

Dividing Pecans

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

Don't Wake your Neighbors!

Elisha and Two She-Bears

Eve's Steep Price

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Fig Leaf Found

Five Jewish Men

Free Commandments

Friendly Pastor

Getting Into Heaven

Glory Be Unto the Father

God Takes a Holiday

God's Gift to Adam - DO NOT USE IN NL

Golfing Toward ConfessionGood News, Bad News

Good Question!

Groom's Day

Guilty Conscience

Heaven and Hell

Heaven's Unitarian Population

Hot Horseradish

How many does it take?

How to Have a Perfect Pastor

Hunting Season

Hymns for All Professions

I Don't Speak Dog

If Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

If Bible Characters Had Bumper Stickers

If College Students Wrote The Bible

If Noah Built an Ark in 2008In the Beginning«

Introduction to Matzoh Ball Soup

Is That Too Much To Ask?

It Will Pass

JC's PC

Jesus in the Bathroom

Jesus Is Watching You!

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King Solomon's Menagerie

Letter Home

Little Angel?

Long-Distance Calls

Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!

Make God Laugh

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper

Moving TestimonyMy Super Ex-Wife

New-Fangled Ideas

No-Excuse Sunday

Not tonight, Adam

Nun of Your Business

Nuns at the Hospital

Nuns on the Highway

Odd Rabbi Out

Oh, the Irony!

One Last Confession

Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

Paging John Edward

Passover Fish

Pierced Ears and Marriage

Pork at a July 4th Picnic

Prayer Before MealsPraying for Coffee Cake

Punishment for Missing Church

Q&A: Before Boaz Married

Ready« Aim...

Real Church Signs

Religion as Baseball

Repaying a Debt

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Row, Row, Row Your Boat?

Serving Two Masters

Shhhh!

Singing In Church

Sister, Got Milk?

Snow Days

Spendthrifts

St. George and the Dragon

Stuff HappensSwitching Grooms

Thanksgiving Blessings

Thanksgiving Trio

The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster

The Baseball Playoffs are On!

The Carpenter's Son

The Healing Touch of Christ

The Inspired Sermon

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

The Nuns Enter Heaven - DON'T USE FOR NL

The Oldest Profession

The Parable of the Seagull


The Pope¶s SurpriseThe Preacher and the Frog Princess

The Senility Prayer

The Sin

The True Origin of the Internet

The Vote for Heaven or Hell

The Yiddish Parrot

Three Eggs and $100

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Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

Urglar and an Elderly Woman

Walking on Water

Warning: Pun Ahead

We Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah?

What Did the Cannibal Say«

What Would Jesus Drive?

When Jesus Was Born

Where Have I Met You?

Where Is the "BC" Located?

Where is your beard?

Who Is the Real Virgin?

Who Shot the Big Buck?

Why Did Baby Jesus Go to Jerusalem?

Why Is This Night Different?

Why¶re You Always Telling Jokes About Jews?

Working on Christmas?

Working With God

You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You?

Zen Sarcasm, Part 1

Zen Sarcasm, Part 2

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Paging John Edward

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow andvisits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:

Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"

Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"

Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"

John: "Yes, it's me."

Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"

John: "Great, Mary. Every day after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, whichlasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make loveuntil we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."

Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"

John: "I'm not in Heaven."

Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"

John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

Conversion Dilemma

A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.

"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him agood Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just

learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me wshould do to reason with him!"The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should menti

The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know tohim follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thknow, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know wtell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."

To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universecome to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What we do?"

A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"

A Very Special Cow

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?

A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were g

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damthere aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keeuntil you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinfresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked,

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Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediatelyseveral of the saints and angels came running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over andover: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"


Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."

"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listenvery well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is bigand strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

"Sounds great!" said Eve.

"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinuedfurther notice.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreavbetter.

This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowshi

Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved o³Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.´

Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during oprayer time.

³I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he dshall be live.´

On a church postcard: ³I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I

like a personal call.´Church sign: ³Jesus Saves!´ Safeway sign across the street: ³Safeway saves ymore!´

Angelic Assistance?

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"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.

He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our

people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prunejews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. Sheheld his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began tomove slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok.sleep."

The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and hekids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitatethemselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forwardsaid, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care.Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three daythat, you can go to Hell."

Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, tryibe late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, pldon't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb agetting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself offstarted running again.

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corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back,but I was too late.

A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

Dear Son,

Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

Ready« Aim...

A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospelin a foreign land.

They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, ³Ready« aim«´ and suddenlythe bishop yells, ³EARTHQUAKE!´ When everyone looks around, the bishop runsoff.

Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, ³Ready« aim«´ and suddenly thepriest yells, ³TORNADO!´ When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.

By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when theguard shouts, ³Ready« aim«,´ suddenly the deacon yells, ³FIRE!´

Working on Christmas?

Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Cajun Confession

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'frasomeone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, snever had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car gar

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two beand a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to h

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A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introducehimself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the

door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.She said, ³I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country musicsinger.´

He replied, ³Yes, ma¶am, I hear that a lot.´

He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the

same thing²that he looked like Conway Twitty.

At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. Hestarted to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, andscreamed, ³Conway Twitty!´

The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, ³Hello, darling!´

No-Excuse Sunday

* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleepin."

* There will be a section with lounge chairs for those who feel our pews are too hard.

* We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever cameto church."

* Blankets will be provided for those who think, "The church is too hot."

* Fans will be provided for those who think, "The church is too cold."

* Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

* One section will have trees and grass for those who like to seek God in natu

* The sanctuary will be decorated with both poinsettias and Easter lilies for thhave never seen the church without them.

Repaying a Debt

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. Hto a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her.

She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.

"No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."

She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.

"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.

"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"

"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me athe black olives."

"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt yoALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"

A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane«

The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of tflesh?"

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Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed."

God's Gift to Adam - DO NOT USE IN NL

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you wantto hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first." God says, "I'm going to give you a penisand a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"Esther: "I Feel Pretty"Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"Moses: "The Wanderer"Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"Esau: "Born To Be Wild"Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water."

Zen Sarcasm, Part 1

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of mI may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leavalone.

2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neinewspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promo

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of capayments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoeway, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

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The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was agolf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had agreat time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Todayyou voted for us!"

Not tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve tobegin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and ledher to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That wasenjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like youto caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bushwith Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even

better than the kiss!"

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love t

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behindbush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"


"God, Protect Me From Your Followers."

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragonlandlady answered the door.

The tramp said, ³Could you give a poor man something to eat?´

"No,´ said the woman, slamming the door in his face.

He knocked again and said, ³Could I have a few words with George?´

Church Sign Chuckles

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Bmembers:

-Fire Insurance Inside-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned

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dreidel will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it isbelieved that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandisingresources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred yearswas the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santaeven after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreoswere finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitivebalance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousingrendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Thanksgiving Trio

Three Thanksgiving Jokes:

y

Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting myown turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meatdepartment.

y

When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say,³I'm thankful I didn't get caught,´ and refuse to say anything more.

y

Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!

Zen Sarcasm, Part 2

1.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

2. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshiel

3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in halfback in your pocket.

5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

6. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark sit holds the universe together.

7. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither oworks.

8. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your li

moving.

9. Experience is something you don't get until just after you n

10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and aon the same night.


"If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?"

Buddhist Vacuum

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A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play onShabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something alwayscomes up.

But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time beforeservices on Yom Kippur.

A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. "I'll take care of him," was thecasual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the nexthole, the rabbi got a hole in one.

Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. "Weren't you going to punish himfor playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar?" the angelasked. "He just got a hole in one!"

"I know," replied the Lord. "But who's he going to tell?"

How many does it take?

How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Part 1:

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and

should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who issupposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get ado the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Stuff Happens

Tao: Stuff happens.

Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.

Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?

Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.

Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.

Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?

Hinduism: This stuff happened before.

Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.

Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.

Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.

Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.

Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.

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A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your favorite person in theBible?"

Susie said, "King Solomon."

"Can you tell us why?"

"Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals."

"What do you mean?"

"He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines."

Who Shot the Big Buck?

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and theother a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of themshot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to

see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it wasdead but had only one bullet hole.

A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, heoffered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.

He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazedthat he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game

warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out theother."

Pork at a July 4th Picnic

A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic. They were old friends andloved to tease one another.

"This baked ham is really good,´ said the priest. ³You really ought to break dotry some.´

"I will, I will,´ replies the rabbi, smiling, ³at your wedding.´

Five Jewish Men

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.

Moses said the law is everything.Jesus said love is everything.Marx said capital is everything.Freud said sex is everything.Einstein said everything is relative.

God Takes a Holiday

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I wenhad an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

Better Than Botox?

Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?

A. Oil of Oy Vey

Q&A: Before Boaz Married

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married?A: Ruthless

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Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?A: German shepherds.


Forget world peace--visualize using your turn signal!

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of BlessingsContractor's Hymn: The Church's One FoundationTailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, HolyGolfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far AwayPolitician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises Optometrist's Hymn: Open My EyesThat I Might SeeIRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender AllGossip's Hymn: Pass It On

Electrician's Hymn: Send The LightShopper's Hymn: Sweet By and ByRealtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the HilltopMassage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched MeDoctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

It Will Pass

A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feelso distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"

"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly. A week later, the student came back tohis teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It'sjust wonderful!"

"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for mbirthday."

Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."

"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.


"Don't make me come down there!" --GOD

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding dneared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.

³I¶m really concerned about this marriage,´ the young man said.

³Don¶t you love her?´ the pastor asked in surprise.

³Of course,´ the groom said. ³But I have unbelievably smelly feet²and I¶m afrmy fiancée won¶t be able to stand them.´

³Oh, is that all?´ the pastor replied. ³Look, all you need to do is wash your feea day and wear socks all the time.´

The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.

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An Apocalyptic One-Liner

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the dateback a little just to be funny.

A Twist on 'Oy Vey!'

Q: Have you heard the new Jews for Jesus prayer?

A: Oy vey, Maria!

If Noah Built an Ark in 2008

And lo, in the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UnitedStates, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few goodhumans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before Iwill start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but therewas no ark.

"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by builark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to theDevelopment Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the fcosts of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the pasthe ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees ito save the spotted owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the ono go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. Theythat I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommwere too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals inconfined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted anenvironmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission o

many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most opeople who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Unworkers with ark-building experience.

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The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, ³Father,that was a good sermon.´

The priest replied, ³Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.´

³It wasn¶t THAT good!´ she said.

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written ina large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter tothe Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected].

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't wantto ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he wouldhave put it off until the night before to get it done.

The Sin

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of achurch listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the

tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned thlust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feetscreamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. Oturned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

An Imam's Sad Announcement

An imam shocked his community when he announced that he wasresigning from and moving to a drier climate.

Afterwards, a very distraught lady came to the imam with tears in hereyes, "Oh, imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want youto leave!"

The kind-hearted imam said, "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. Theimam who takes my place might be even better than me."

"Yeah," she replied, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "that'swhat the last imam said, too."

American-Yiddish DictionaryJEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewis

TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzva

CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can chang

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wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom

door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

A Darkened Theater

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor inthe house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctorssingle and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"


Lord, walk beside me with your arm on my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormondemanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not

worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a co

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green bbread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invitelunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the chuChildren will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk wplease come early.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at CalvaryMethodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend hielectric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Due to weather conditions, there will not be any ³Women Worth Watching´ thweek.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirle

who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain insanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

Hunting Season

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l b ll h bl f h ll

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Religion as Baseball

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.

Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.

Quakers won't swing.

Unitarians can catch anything.

Amish walk a lot.

Pagans sacrifice.

Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.

Televangelists get caught stealing.

Episcopalians pass the plate.

Evangelicals make effective pitches.

Fundamentalists balk.

Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.

Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.

Baptists want to play hardball.

Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.

The Pope claims never to have committed an error.


A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to hgrabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the san

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

Pierced Ears and Marriage

Q. Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?

A. Because they¶ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Dead Atheist

Q: What do you call a dead atheist?

A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutry and figure this one out.

An Offering From the Bottom of My«.

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Momshe said, "can we leave now?"

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"No " her mother replied R R R Y B t?

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No, her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behinda bush," said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned soquickly?" her mother asked.

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the frontdoor that says, 'For the Sick.'"

Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons lovethem.

Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son,Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves hismother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day?That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with apsychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about?Me."

Row, Row, Row Your Boat?

A student was asked if he knew what Roe v. Wade was about. He answered ththought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decidedthe Delaware.

Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle ohis dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took aspoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, heout, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've mpasses out a sample of it."

Friendly Pastor

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, vhis wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her an

hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, ³Your pastsure friendlier than mine.´

Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT

A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, andneither change nor not change the lightbulb.

HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTB

A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked thone better.

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³If absence makes the heart grow fonder ´ said a minister ³a lot of folks must

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"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I saidkvetch."

Big Mouth!

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray."I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.

"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."

"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"


Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

What Did the Cannibal Say«

Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.

A. "Ah! Breakfast in bed."

If Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, said a minister, a lot of folks must love our church.´

Eve's Steep Price

God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to givperfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."

Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday s

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines onmission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge anpeople walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. Thebombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

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