daily stories that will make you laugh

8/6/2019 Daily Stories That Will Make You Laugh

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ContentsFun At The Movies ..................................................................................................................... 3Stairs .......................................................................................................................................... 3Cliff ............................................................................................................................................ 4Because of absence ..................................................................................................................... 4Stone andStone - Breaker ........................................................................................................... 4Lucy ........................................................................................................................................... 5Handwriting ................................................................................................................................ 5Accident ..................................................................................................................................... 6Radio Broken.............................................................................................................................. 7Elevator ...................................................................................................................................... 8The arm was guilty ..................................................................................................................... 8Grandma wouldnt lie ............................................................................................................... 9Too much expensive food ........................................................................................................... 9"Buffaloes" is a bull .................................................................................................................. 10A monochord's tunes ................................................................................................................. 11A glutton................................................................................................................................... 12A story told in its time order ..................................................................................................... 12Three idiotic generations ........................................................................................................... 13Whisper .................................................................................................................................... 14Too short for me ................................................................................................................... 15God........................................................................................................................................... 15Its coconut ............................................................................................................................ 15Beggar ...................................................................................................................................... 16What a woman!!! ...................................................................................................................... 16

Mistake? ................................................................................................................................... 17Soap story ................................................................................................................................. 17School Play ............................................................................................................................... 21Deadly fruit............................................................................................................................... 22Heard This One Before?............................................................................................................ 23


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Lesson in Employee Relationship ............................................................................................. 23Whos the boss ....................................................................................................................... 24The Mink Coat .......................................................................................................................... 24The Chief .................................................................................................................................. 25The Beer Conference ................................................................................................................ 25Speaking Your Mind................................................................................................................. 25The prize ................................................................................................................................... 26Money AndFriends .................................................................................................................. 26Father Wants To Go To Bed ..................................................................................................... 26The River Isn't Deep ................................................................................................................. 27My Daughter's Music Lessons................................................................................................... 27A Policeman And A Reporter.................................................................................................... 27A Cow Grazing ......................................................................................................................... 27Let's Work Together ................................................................................................................. 28Stuck ........................................................................................................................................ 28Three kinds ............................................................................................................................... 28


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Fun At The Movies

Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see

"Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were

sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.'

'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'

Amusing Married Men Only Story

Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale from the USA.

Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only

recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady,

was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it

because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'

'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used

to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their

mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'

StairsBill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the

top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear

that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of

stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this

unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights,

and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim

stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first,"

he said. "I left the room key in the car!"


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CliffA couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of

them look a little drunk, when one says to the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping

up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the ledge,

catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!"

"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."

"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the

ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time,

and lands on his feet right in front of the bar.

"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" . So the first drunk does it

again: he jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the

bar.

"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"

"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second fellow. So he climbs

the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.

The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink. The bartender steps

over, looks him in the eye, and says to him: "You know, you can be a real jerk

sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman".

BecauseofabsenceMother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

Junior: Because of absence.

Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

StoneandStone - BreakerA very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had

never seen them before, so he began:


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My name is Stone, and Im even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or therell be

trouble. Dont try any tricks with me, and then well get on well together.

Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. Speak

loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly, he said, and dont forget to call me "sir".

Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained last

one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, When I ask you

a question, answer it! Ill ask you again: Whats your name, soldier?

The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied.

My names Stone-breaker, sir, he said nervously.

LucyA young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so

many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughter her

tea before putting her to bed. First, she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and

butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on

her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "when I was a small girl like

you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but neverbread with butter and jam."

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her

kindly, "Arent you pleased that youve come to live with us now?"

HandwritingSir hissed the lawyer, do you swear this is not your signature?

Yes.

Is it not your handwriting?

Nope


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You take your solemn oath that this writing does not resemble yours in a single

particular?

Yes

How can you be certain?, demanded the lawyer.

I cant write, smiled the man.

AccidentDear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3

of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of myaccident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the

following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof

of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about

500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to

lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of

the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and

loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it

tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block

number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of

mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid

rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the

fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,

not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold

tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.


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At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the

bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now

weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the

vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two

fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto

the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to

report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching

the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of

the rope!

RadioBroken

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the

director and said, Tomorrow rain.

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,Tomorrow storm. The next day there was a hailstorm.

This Indian is incredible, said the director.

He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several

successful predictions, the old Indian didnt show up for two weeks. Finally the director

sent for him.

I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow, said the director, and Im depending on you.

What will the weather be like?

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. Dont know, he said. Radio is broken.


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Elevator

A village boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost

everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back

together again.

The boy asked his father, What is this father?

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded,

Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide- eyed, an old lady, limping slightly,

and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls

opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed. Theboy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light

up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls

opened up again, and walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde steeped

out The father said to his son,

Go get your mother!!!

Thearmwasguilty

A man was brought before the judge. The witness said that the day before the prisoner

had stolen some pears from a basket, outside a grocers. The solicitor said to the judge:

It is true that the prisoner took a few pears with his right arm; his right arm is guilty,

but not he himself; you can not punish the whole body because one of its limbs is

guilty.

You are quite right, answered the judge, so I sentence the prisoners right arm to sixdays. Now the prisoner will go to prison with his arm if he likes.

Everybody at court began to laugh; but people laughed still more when they saw the

prisoner unscrew his right arm (it was a wooden arm) He then gave it to the judge,

saying: Here is my guilty arm, Sir I dont wish to go to prison with it.


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Grandmawouldntlie

Little Johnny was at his first day of shool. The teacher advised the class to start the day

with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their

hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, I pledge allegiance to the

flag

When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his

buttocks.

Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart.

Little Johnny replied, It is over my heart.

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher

asked,

Why do you think that is your heart?

Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and

says, Bless your little heart, and my Grandma wouldnt lie.

Toomuch expensivefoodA skinflint never gave his family anything to eat except plain rice. However, a wooden

fish was hung over the dining table. Each time they had taken a mouthful of rice, thechildren were ordered to look at the fish and imagine that they had taken a bite of it.

To maintain the illusion and show appreciation of the food, they were to make an

audible chewing noise.

One day, the youngest child, aged four, absent-mindedly made a whole string of

sucking and swallowing noises.


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The miser blew his top.

"What!" he exclaimed.

"Didn't I tell you that just one bite of the fish is enough? Don't you realize how

expensive meat and fish are these days?"

"Buffaloes"isabullThe tutor of a family was very stupid. He didn't know many words and very often had

to ask others about the words he was going to teach his pupils.

One day, the tutor taught his pupils the word "to flee". It was written in the old style soit consisted of three words "buffalo" placed on one another. The tutor didn't know it so

he asked a man:

- What animal is as strong as three buffaloes, sir?

The man answered:

- A wild bull.

The tutor was very glad. He came back home and taught the pupils:

- "Buffaloes" is wild bull.

Another day, the tutor taught the pupils the word "nail". He knew how to read it but

didn't know its meaning. He saw it looked like the handle of a rice-hulling mill so he

carelessly said:

- "Nail" is the handle of a rice-hulling mill.

The host saw that the tutor was very stupid, so he asked the tutor out of his house,

and read the following poem to see him off:

"Nail" is the handle of a rice-hulling mill.

What a good teacher I have never seen!

Ah, "buffaloes" is a wild bull

Please, go to ask a farmer's job to do!


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A monochord'stunesThere was a man who played the monochord very badly but still thought that he played

it very beautifully. His neighbour was a young widow.

One day, when he was playing the monochord, he heard the neighbour crying. He

thought that she might be affected by his wonderful monochord's tunes. He checked

the idea by stopping playing it. As a matter of the fact, the young widow stopped

crying, too.

After that, the man also learnt that she cried every time he played the monochord. Theharder he played, the harder she cried. He was very glad and thought that she was

surely keen on his talent of monochord playing. From then on, he just played it during

quite nights in order to seduce her.

One day, when he was sure that she had completely fallen in love with him, he said to

her:

- What makes you so sad that you cry whenever I play the monochord? If my

monochord playing troubles you, I'll stop it from now on.

The widow answered:

- Yes, it does. I recall my dead husband whenever you play the monochord.

The man was beside himself with joy and asked:

- Was he a good monochord playerr when he was alive?

The widow shook her head and answered:

- No, my dead husband knew how to card cotton only. I recall the sound from his

cotton carding and cry whenever hearing your monochord's tunnes.


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- What a poor creature! But why did it die too early?

- Madam! It died of a fire beside the pig-sty!

- My God! And what about the pigs?

- They were also burnt to death and the cows and the horses were in the same lot!

- Dear me! But why did the fire happen? Did somebody set them on fire for his hatred

of your boss?

- No, madam! It was just because of some ashes' flying from the house!

- What? Even the house was on fire, wasn't it?

- Yes, madam!

- But, why?

The servant scratched his head and his ears for a long time and then answered:

- Madam! Because yesterday some robbers rushed into the house and then they set it

on fire!

- Did they take anything away?

- Yes, they took away everything and even killed people!

- Oh, dear! What about my husband?

- Madam! They stabbed him with a sharp knife and he died at once!

ThreeidioticgenerationsThe members of that family were very idiotic. One day, the grandfather told his

grandson to take two coins and two bowls to the market to buy fish sauce and soya

sauce. The little boy went off for a long time and then came back and asked his

grandfather:

- My granddad, which coin is for fish sauce and which coin is for soya sauce?

The old man got angry and shouted:


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- What a nonsense! You can buy fish sauce and soya sauce with either of them.

The little boy went off for a long time and then came back again. He showed the two

bowls out and asked:

- My granddad, but which bowl will contain fish sauce and which bowl will contain soyasauce?

The old man flew into a passion and gave his grandson some whips.

At the moment, the little boy's father got home. Seeing his father beating his son, he

got angry and said:

- Ah, you are beating my son! Then I'll beat yours!

And then he took the whip and beat himself fiercely.

The old man also got angry. He pointed to his son's face and said:

- Well, you dare beat my son then what can stop me hanging your father?

And then, he looked for a rope to hang himself.

Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said.

Mommy, I have to pee.

The mother said to the little boy, Its not appropriate to say the word "pee" in church.

From now on when you have to "pee" just tell me that you have to whisper.

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during theservice said to his father:

Daddy, I have to whisper.

The father looked at him and said,

Okay, why dont you whisper in my ear.


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TooshortformeIn the Spring fair, a 4 year old child who got lost was crying. A security guard came to

console him and said:

If you dont want to get lost, you should have gripped your mothers dress.

The boy cried sniffingly:

But my mothers skirt was too short for me to grip.

GodGrandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked,

Did God made you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,

Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own

reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her

mind. At last she spoke up.

You know, Grandpa. She said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

Itscoconut

Mike was not well. He was tired all the time, and his head often hurt.


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Go to doctor, his wife said.

Mike did not like visiting the doctor, but after a week, he went. The doctor asked him a

lot of questions and him a lot of questions and wrote Mikes ansewers down.

What do you eat in the morning? he asked him.

Eggs, bread, butter, jam and coffee, Mike answered.

And what lunch do you have? the doctor asked.

Meat or fisd and bread.

And what do you have in the evening? the doctor asked.

Eggs and bread.

The the doctor said.

Eat some fruit every day, and eat all the skin of the fruit. The skin is very good. What

fruit do you like best?

Mike was not happy.

Coconuts, he answered.

BeggarWhy do you beg?

The truth is I beg to get money for booze (drink).

Why do you drink?

To give me the courage to beg.

Whatawoman!!!

Three blonde guys are stranded on one side of a wide river and dont know how to get

across.


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The first blonde guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross

the river. God turns hom into a brown-haired man, and he swam across.

The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a

better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man, so he builded a boat

and rows across.

Mistake?A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if she could see her

license. She replied in a huff.

I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license

and then today you expect me to show it to you.

SoapstoryThe following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one

of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have

brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and

another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on

your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you


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should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions

from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,

Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of

soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camaysto the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size

Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They

are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him

last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new

girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal

attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------


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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM

and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder

last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do

anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since

she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular

delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to

me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to

remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room,

including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little CashmereBouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr.. Berman,


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I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot

understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave

3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of

Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial

Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr.. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally

returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are

supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also

brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.


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Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs.. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size

Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled

and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent

spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am

keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

School PlayTwo little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It

was to be a Shakespearean Play.


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The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill

your soul with hope".

The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous,knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told

them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as

the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys

were terrified! .

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy

yelled out those unforgettable words............

"My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!.. and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh*t, horse

sh*t, cow sh*t, bull sh*t....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."

The audience left howling.

DeadlyfruitOne day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge

pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and

bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to

stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He

had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the

next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the sameas the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no

apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you

start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"


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The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy

walking in with pineapples."

Heard This OneBefore?A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've

ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.' [1800]

His friend asks, 'What kind is it?'

The braggart says, 'Half past four.'

Will's Experience at Gatwick

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport

baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his

bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because

they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

LessoninEmployeeRelationshipFred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5

minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in aquandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for

a talk.

Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being

late so often is quite a worry.'

'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred.

'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late.

I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'


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WhosthebossThe boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any

respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that

read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note

to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

The MinkCoatA man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous

full-length coat. As the lady tries it on,

the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes

for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has

cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns The store owner is

outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your

checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderfulweekend of my life!"


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TheChiefA tribe in the jungle consider farting after every meal to be a sign of power, however

the chief of the tribe finds it extremely difficult to fart.

His servant goes to the doctor and say "big chief, no fart" so the doctor gives him a pill

The next day the servant goes back to the doctor and says "big chief, still no fart" so

the doctor gives him a big pill the size of his hand

On the third day the servant goes back and says "big cheif still not fart" so the doctor

gives a pill the size of a football

The next day the servant comes back and says to the doctor "big fart,no chief!"

TheBeerConferenceThe biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the

day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.

The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a

Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.

Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's

amazement, he orders tea!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've

stumbled on an embarrassing secret.

"Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

Speaking Your MindAn accused bank robber was tried for his crime and was found guilty.

Just prior to being taken away, he looked the judge in the eye and asked, "Would it be

okay if I call you a son of a bitch?"

The judge's face reddened as he bellowed, "It most certainly would not! I would add

more time to your sentence."

Nodding, the defendant said, "What if I THOUGHT it? Would that be okay?"

Although annoyed, the judge restrained himself and calmly replied, "Yes, I suppose that

would be okay. Obviously, I have no control over your thoughts."


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Smirking, the defendant said, "In that case, Judge, I think you're a son of a bitch!"

Theprize

A man was at the amusement park. He was trying the lottery, the arrow throwing and

the shooting.

At the shooting he scored and won a prize. They gave him a cute live turtle. Pleased he

left the place.

But after a while he came back and tried his shooting skilles again. And once more he

scored a really good result and was going to get a prize. Then he said:

Please give me the same prize as last time, but this burger I want with SOFT bread!

Money And Friends"Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more"

"And the other half ?"

"They don't know yet that has lost it"

FatherWants ToGo ToBedNext-door Neighbor's Little Boy : "Father say could you lend him your cassette player

for tonight ?"

Heavy - Metal Enthusiast : "Have you a party on ?"

Little Boy : "Oh, no. Father only wants to go to bed ".


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TheRiver Isn'tDeepA stranger on horse back came to a river with which he was unfamiliar. The traveller

asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No", replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his

horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted : "I thought you said

it wasn't deep ?"

"It isn't", was the boy's reply : "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles !"

MyDaughter's MusicLessons"My daughter's music lessons are a fortune to me ?"

"How is that ?"

"They enabled me to buy the neighbors' houses at half price".

A Policeman And A ReporterCountry Policeman (at the scene of murder) : "You can't come in here"

Reporter : "But I've been sent to do the murder"

Country Policeman : "Well, you're too late; the murder's been done".

A CowGrazingArtist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing"

Visitor : "Where is the grass ?"

Artist : "The cow has eaten it"


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Visitor : "But where is the cow ?"

Artist : "You don't suppose she'd be fool enough to stay there after she'd eaten all the

grass, do you ?"

Let'sWork Together"Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?"

"That's just where I want to go. Let's work together. You go south, and I'll go north,

and we'll report progress every time we meet"

StuckWife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room.

My God Henry, she screams, I know youve had other woman but this time youve

gone too far!

You may be right, he says, I think Im stuck

Threekinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs

are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a

woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still

nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of

'willies' are there?'.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three

phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it

is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'


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'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

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