daydreaming -...
TRANSCRIPT
Daydreaming by David Bevan
TABS ACROSS, CAST ONSTAGE
ASM Voice over Are we all clear front of house? Ok. I’ll practise the safety announcement. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sandpit Theatre for tonight’s Historical pageant. Please switch off all mobile phones and pagers, and you are reminded that photography and video recording is not allowed during the performance. Now, sit back and enjoy the show” That OK? Good. OK, here we go...
House lights to half.
Standby LX2 and FX1. Thank you.
LX2 Go!
FX1 Go! Song One Vision
Mum Turn off that Histeria DVD right now, young lady! Come on you! Time to do your homework and no
mucking about tonight. It's a big day tomorrow. Your first day at Best! STEVIE But I'm too excited to do it, Mum. I’ve got to find out what these weird words mean in English
grammar. Look, there’s a whole list. ‘Parts of Speech’ they’re called. Bathos, tautology, litotes, hyperbole.
Mum So you’ve got plenty to think about, haven’t you? Now get on with it so you can get to sleep nice and
early - you'll need lots of energy tomorrow. STEVIE What was your first day at Best like?
Mum Wow! That was a long time ago. In fact I was there on the very first day. I was one of the older ones.
Your auntie and uncle were much younger. So it was a bit of a trip into the unknown for everyone.
STEVIE We're there lots of children there?
Mum Well, I thought so at the time but there are loads more now. I came to exactly the same place as you'll be going to but it was 20 years ago and things have changed a lot. But it's still Best! It’s funny. I kind of organise my memories through the shows - all the stories I've been telling you over the last few weeks. And all the DVDs and videos you’ve been watching.
STEVIE Hmm. There have been a lot of shows haven't there!
Mum Well, I was only in a few but your aunt and uncle were in many more. Overall they are saying that
Best has put on over 180 shows at Best, the youth theatre group TheBYTE, First Class and Best School of Acting- and that doesn't include all the end of term shows for parents! And I’ve told you all the stories I can remember.
STEVIE I mostly remember the baddies - Korst from Sunlight, Nightmare from Dreamcatcher, the Giants
from 'Imagine' but the one I thought was creepiest was the Fairground Man from Twelfth Night and Best of Dreams.
Mum Yes – in the 10th anniversary show he promised to be back on Best's 20th anniversary.
STEVIE But that's now isn't it? I’ll be in the 20th anniversary show, won’t I?
Mum Well, yes.
STEVIE So maybe the Fairground Man will come back? (Fairground music begins under in the distance) what's that?
Mum Hmm, odd! Must be next door again.
STEVIE Sounds creepy.
Mum It's only music. Anyway, get on with your work now. I'll go and get you some water. Back in a moment.
STEVIE But...
Mum Come on now, Stevie, focus. Get the work done and get to bed
STEVIE Ok Mum. (mum leaves) Hmmm. I’ll put that DVD of the 10th anniversary show on in the background,
just to relax me….
It’s dark. There are whispers. Smoke. STEVIE starts to fall asleep at her desk. NM (enters from one side) And so the Nightmare continues! I said I’d be back! And now my time has
come! The World will know of the terror of Nightmare as I… Korst (enters from other side and speaks across NM) And so the Lord of the Underworld has returned to
wreak his terrible revenge on the mortals of Earth. Once again this place is my domain as I bring to bear the awesome might and terror of my… (spots Nightmare and pauses mid declamation)…
Both er… who are you?
NM I could ask you the same question!
Korst You did!
NM But this is the land of the Nightmare, and I rule in dread and terror over all… Korst Hold on a minute, that’s my job. I’m Lord of Timonfeya – the fiery Underworld. It’s my job to bring evil
and misery to the World.
NM Says who? Korst Says the legend of “Earthcycle”
NM “Earthcycle”? What’s that?
Korst Here! (shows NM a rolled up poster). NM Nice artwork!
Korst Not bad. But back to my point, who are you and what are you doing here. Answer now, lest I boil you
in lava and… NM All right all right. I’m Nightmare. From Dreamcatcher. See. (gives him a programme).
Korst Right. I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here…
There is a crash and the Wicked Witch of the West enters cackling – witch music
WW Hahaha. Melted was I back in April 2000? Finished, huh? Well think again Dorothy and those
pathetic companions of yours. The Wicked Witch of the West is back – greener and ghastlier than ever to wreak…
Spots the other two who wave slightly self consciously
NM This is developing into quite the reunion!
WW So I take it we are all baddies. Wicked!
NM Looks that way.
WW And what seems to connect us is this ‘Best’ thing.
K We’ve all been beaten.
NM Bamboozled.
WW And bested
All By Best.
K So why are we here now? The last I remember I was being extinguished by rebellious fireflies.
WW And I was melting in water.
NM And I was imprisoned. K And now we are free once more to bring evil to the World.
WW But why?
Enter Deanna La Domme DD Sheesh you guys are such losers. It ain’t no wonder you got beat. You really don’t know what’s
happnin’ here? K Listen Lady, I don’t know who you think you are, but…
DD Who I think I am? I’m Deanna La Domme from Shake Ripple and Roll in 2001
All Ohhh! Another baddie!
DD Lady of Intrigue, I prefer! La Belle Dame sans Merci! Korst looks confused
NM (whispers) It’s French. I think that means the nice lady without thank you.
K Oh! (to DD) Well whether you’ve got thank you or not, if you’re so clever, why don’t you tell us what
we’re doing here?
DD Look behind you!
Best 20 year logo DD They need us back. It’s twenty years on and they haven’t got any baddies for this year's show. They
need us again.
WW You mean…
K They…
NM Want…
WW Us
All BACK!
Thunder and lightning
NM After all, all drama is conflict.
K Without conflict there is no drama
WW And without drama, there would be…
All No BEST!
Thunder and lightning again
DD So having established that we have a raison d’etre.
NM (to K) French again, means a dried grape.
DD No not raisin! Raison. Reason! Raison ‘d’etre means ‘reason for being’.
NM Sorry!
DD SO! (warningly) having established that we have a raison d’etre, and the basis for a reasonable plotline, we now need to figure out just how we can wreak havoc on these 20 years celebrations.
WW Let’s all have a think.
They do
K AHA! I have an idea! We could consume the stage in a flood of boiling lava, burying forever their
dreams of staging the 20th anniversary show!!!
WW And just how are we meant to stage that? On Best’s budget?
All General resigned agreement. They think again
WW Aha! I have it!
NM Well breathe that way or we’ll all get it! WW No, I have an idea. I’ll send a plague of flying monkeys to torment and distract them. They would not
dream of such a terrible curse being laid at their door.
NM Flying monkeys? Seriously? (they look around at the technical bits of the stage)
WW Well maybe they could just walk… Look, I know where I can get some mean Hamsters. No?
All think again
DD Eureka!
NM French again! Means ‘You smell’
K I do not…It’s the sulphur in the pools of lava. Honest. (Waving behind him.) DD No, I have a plan. We make sure one child has more lines the others! That’s bound to bring in a
wave of complaints from parents necessitating a complete rewrite that will make the whole play overly long and tedious!
All look at each other
NM It’s a bit weak, isn’t it?
DD Sorry – seemed to be a realistic enough scenario…
NM Of course!!!
All What? NM Don’t you see – the solution lies in all of our shows. They are all about hope. About vision. About
Dreams. And that is what Best is about too. So all we have to do is to stop the dream. All look blank.
NM Look, luckily I’m from a dream-based show so I know what I’m talking about. Best and especially
young Stevie want the 20th birthday to go like a dream. We want it to go like a nightmare. So let’s turn this dream that she’s having into a nightmare!
DD And she’s already told us who she’s most afraid of….
All The Fairground Man.
WW And where do we find him? Korst We have to go back to Twelfth Night or What you Will – to Illyria!
DD What are we waiting for?
NM Exeunt, stage left! They leave stage left. The Fairground Man enters stage right and stands next to STEVIE.
STEVIE(waking up with a start) Oh… must have dozed off. Yikes! It’s you! The Fairground Man!
FM Yes it’s me – I have returned as I predicted 10 years ago, once more to spin a web of weirdness and
mystery over the whole…
STEVIEBut what are you….Oh no, I’m still asleep aren’t I? You’re a totally fictional character and I’m dreaming you.
FM Well, actually I think that’s a bit insulting…
STEVIEThose baddies are going to try and give me a nightmare about a ruined Best show and when I do
wake up Mum’s going to be furious because I’m never going to get my homework done! It’s like I’ve fallen into my own Best show. I only hope it doesn’t tum out to be a hastily assembled group of past scenes held together with a flimsy narrative!
FM Tush tush, child! Hastily assembled? Flimsy narrative? Why no one could ever accuse Best of that!
Anyway…Fear not child. I bring a world of options and opportunity. We can stop those baddies if you like? Do you need to know why?
STEVIE Not really, I think we’d better just get on with the show. How do we follow them?
FM I have ways of transporting you …but just a word of warning – you know how in Doctor Who the
Doctor sometimes changes but it’s still Doctor Who?
STEVIE Yes…
FM Well each time we travel the same thing might happen to us.
STEVIE You mean we’ll look different in every scene.
FM Er,… yes.
STEVIE And this isn’t a cheap ploy to make sure lots of people have lines?
FM Heaven forfend!
STEVIE How will I recognise you?
FM I will always carry this cane. And I will know you from your stylish hat!
STEVIE OK, I’ll by it…now pick a card, any card..
STEVIE Oh, it’s like Dreamcatcher…
FM It’s nothing of the sort…
She picks a card- Dreamcatcher-like transition.
Dreamscape Office Yellow group
They arrive at the travel agents from Dreamcatcher. MARTHA is there.
STEVIE See? Exactly like Dreamcatcher.
FM Your ingratitude and cynicism knows no bounds!
STEVIE And you were right about that changing thing. You look totally different.
FM As do you!
STEVIE Oh yeah… look, it’s Martha from Dreamscape!
MARTH Welcome to Dreamscape Direct. Since your last visit we have upgraded to be a fully online direct provider of dream services. For your convenience your customer details have already been added. If you are not Stevie, please click below. If you are Stevie, please enter your password below to access your account.
STEVIE Password? I didn’t have a password.
FM What was your last dream about?
STEVIE I dreamed I was Sam from Dreamcatcher, looking for Benny Bear.
NM Try that.
STEVIE Password is ‘Benny’
MARTH Loading. Please wait. (she turns over a big egg timer) Pause. MARTH is motionless. The egg timer finishes. MARTH turns it over again.
MARTH (eventually) Welcome, Stevie. You are now through to the World’s leading provider of Direct
Dreams.Please select from the following holiday categories Sizzling Summer Seaside, Wonderful White Winter, Aweful ‘Orrible Autumn or Vacuous Vacations.
STEVIE The Summer seaside one please.
MARTH You will now be connected by Instant Messaging to one of our advisors! Hello. I’m ur advisr. ICU
wnt a hldy bt sea.
STEVIE Can I have predictive please? MARTH Phew! Thanks. Can get a bit tricky that text speak! LOL! (she laughs accordingly) Now,
you’re looking for a seaside break yes? Is that business or pleasure? Sam Pleasure. I want some of the goodies from Best’s old shows to meet us there. Wherever we happen
to be. MARTHThat sounds lovely. Where did you go last time?
Sam I can’t remember…
MARTH Oh, that’s lovely isn’t it? Went there myself last year. I think I prefer Somewhere or Other though – better food. What are you looking for?
Sam Sun. Sea. Sand. Atmosphere. Maybe a bit of music.
MARTH I know just the place.
(Poster of Illyria-On-Sea with the strap line Sun. Sea. Sand. Atmosphere. Maybe a bit of music.)
STEVIE Seems to tick all the boxes.
MARTH When U going?
STEVIE Now.
MARTH Returning?
STEVIE Later. I need to be back by morning because it’s Best’s 20th year show. It’s bound to be fantastic! And I’ve still got homework to do.
MARTHOK, U go now, come bk l 8 er (slaps head to readjust) Sorry about that, predictive text a bit dodgy.
Here’s your dream ticket – it’s free tonight because you are our 1 millionth visitor since the last customer.
STEVIE Oh good… what?.. Oh never mind.
MARTH Have a pleasant trip. TTFN!
STEVIE Bye! OK, let’s go to Illyria! FM (holds out a feather) Ready! Pick a card, any card
She does
Illyria (ensemble song, yellow group scene)
Song Welcome to Illyria
The weather’s fine, the summer’s here at Illyria-on-Sea It’s time to hang the bunting out as the tourists flock to see Illyria. Welcome to Illyria
The hotels need a coat of paint and the pier is falling down The streets are paved with litter, what a pretty seaside town This is Illyria. Welcome to Illyria.
The fairground rides are risky, so don’t ride the Mighty Mouse The rollercoaster’s rusty and don’t chance the Haunted House The waltzer does the samba, the candy floss is green And the fish and chips are greasy and the hot dogs are obscene
This is Illyria. Welcome to Illyria Come to Illyria
Ourt little town’s in trouble, her hotel’s in a state Not a case of fallen grandeur, more a case of fallen slates Typical Illyria. Welcome to Illyria.
The pier end stage is seedy, blame the death of variety But when it comes to 4 o’clock, there’s always time for tea In Illyria, welcome to Illyria
But now its August, it’s the Feste, a carnival of arts The streets are lined with buskers and actors play their parts Everywhere is theatre, everywhere is song So if you’re a struggling company, you know where you belong
In Illyria, welcome to Illyria
Now it’s time to start our story, here’s a girl washed to the shore A novel way of travelling and not been tried before And there’s her twin brother, who suffered the same fate Both rescued from the stormy sea in time to make a date With Illyria. Welcome to Illyria. (Repeat to big finish)
STEVIE What country, friends, is this?
(the ensemble cannot believe she hasn’t picked up the name ‘Illyria’ from the big song and walk off muttering and laughing at her)
FM I always loved that joke! Anti-climax, that’s called. David sometimes does good anti-climaxes.
STEVIE Oh, I remember. It’s where Twelfth Night and What You Will were set. Isn’t that where you came
from? FM Yes. Best have done the play twice, in 2003 and 2011. I don’t think there was a fairground man in
Shakespeare’s original though. STEVIE There always has to be a baddy in a Best play. You were my favourite baddy.
FM What do you mean, ‘baddy’. I wasn’t a baddy! I was ‘vaguely menacing’ at worst! Now Korst from
Sunlight, he was a good baddy, if that’s not a tautology. STEVIE No it’s not. FM Not what?
STEVIE A tautology. What you said was an Oxymoron. Good baddy. A tautology is…
FM Never mind what a tautology is. It’s my most preferred, favourite part of speech! Anyway, we’re here in Illyria
STEVIE Oh yes. That was the setting for Twelfth Night in 2004 and What You Will in 2011. Look, there’s
Orsino and Cesario. In the play, Cesario is really Viola in disguise and Viola is in love with Orsino who thinks he’s in love with Olivia who falls in love with Cesario… It’s all a bit complicated…
FM Shh, let’s watch.
Orsino Once more, Cesario, get thee to Olivia
Viola But if she cannot love you, sir?
Orsino I cannot be so answer'd. There is no woman can bide the beating of so strong a passion
Viola Yes, but I know--
Orsino What do you know?
Viola Too well how a woman may love a man like perhaps I would love you, if I was a woman...
Orsino Hmmm. How dost thou like this tune?
Viola It gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is throned.
Song The Saddest Souls
(Yellow group solo with backing singers and dance soloists if you like) When the daylight’s gone And night comes creeping by That’s when the teardrops fall As all the lonely cry But hold your head up Help will be here soon Coz high above you Is the friendly face of the Moon
Let the Moon soothe the pain of the saddest souls Let the Moon soothe the pain of the saddest souls
Your love is secret It dare not speak its name Will she love me too? Will he feel the same? So look above you Gaze into the skies Your love burns brighter In the sky than the Sun and the stars, but the Moon
Let the Moon soothe the pain of the saddest souls Let the Moon soothe the pain of the saddest souls
In Illyria, love is just a game But when you’ve played it You won’t ever feel the same. No, no.
Let the Moon soothe the pain of the saddest souls Let the Moon soothe the pain of the saddest souls
Cesario leaves Orsino with a meaningful backward glance
STEVIE I loved that song. Bit sad though. Still…shouldn’t we warn someone that the baddies are coming?
FM Like who?
STEVIE I think I’d be quite popular if I suggested… the DreamPolice?
FM But of course! Pick a card, any card….
Police Station Yellow group
DC Morning Super
DS Morning fabulous
DC I brought those police training videos you asked me for.
DS This should be better than the last one. I didn’t like the presenter. And I don’t need to know how to lip read.
DC I don’t think it was a lip reading video, Super.
DS The clue was in the title. ‘Silent Witness’. But I’ve got more important things to worry about. She’s
only gone and done it again. DC Oo?
DS ‘Er, Nightmare. She skipped porridge, done a bunk and now she’s out on the lam and we ain’t got a
scooby where er drum is.
DS Oh right. Come again. DC She’s skipped porridge, done a bunk and now she’s out on the lam and we ain’t got a Scooby where
her drum is. DS Er, about 8 o’clock in the morning.
DC No, you turnip, she’s skipped porridge, released herself on her own cognisance – she’s escaped!
DS Ooh eck!
SARGE Morning Super!
DS Morning cheeky!
DC Mornin Sarge. The Super was telling me that Nightmare’s escaped again.
SARGE About a minute past 8.
DS No, you prune, she’s skipped porridge.
SARGE Done a bunk and now she’s on the lam, eh? Got a Scooby on ‘er drum?
DS Not a lonesome.
DC It’s like a different language sometimes. Anyway, there’s a girl’s ere again.
DS Not that girl Sam again? And ‘er mate, you know. The Whatsapper?
DC Snapchatter?
DS FaceBooker?
V/O (off) Dreamcatcher!
All Whatever.
SARGE No!
DS Oh that’s a shame. Can’t do that joke any more then. Show ‘er in then.
STEV Hello Super.
DS Hello gorgeous! How ya diddling? Who’s this character wiv yer?
FM I’m the Fairground Man, a subtle purveyor of all things fantastical! A conduit to the strange, mystical and…
All Yada, yada, yada…
FM Suit yourselves…
STEVIE I’ve just come to warn you that a whole bunch of Best baddies have come to Illyria to cause trouble.
SARGE Nightmare!
STEVIE Yes, her too.
DC Real nightmare!
STEVIE Yes! That’s right! DC And by a total coincidence, this ‘appens on the same night that Nightmare escapes.
STEVIE Well, duh, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. All the best baddies are coming here to cause trouble and
Nightmare is one of them. DC All the bad besties eh?
STEVIE Best baddies.
DS That’s what I said. Bed basties….
STEVIE Whatever…
DC So that can only mean one thing. Are you thinking what I’m thinking, lads!!!
SARGE It’s obvious isn’t it!
STEVIE Yes! DC Even a complete idiot could see it!
STEVIE Yes! Yes!
DS It has to be…
STEVIE YES!!!
DC …Time for a tea break. White with 10 sugars!
Sam There’s no time fo tea, Detective Super Intendent! Listen to me. If you can arrest all the Best Baddies at once, you could be heroes! Just for one day.
DS Wait a minute! She’s right lads.
DC Well we could…
SARGE What, Constable. Spit it out!
DC (does)
DS No, you aubergine, he meant spit out what you are trying so delicately to suggest.
DC We could lay a trap so cunning, so subtle, that the bid boasties
SARGE Bag beasties
DS Bog boosters?
STEVIE Best baddies!
All Whatever…
DC .. could be lured and.. DS Arrested by us! Once again it’s me that comes up with the plan! Don’t know why I bother with you
other artichokes? STEVIE Great. I’ll leave you to it then.
DC You do that, but remember, the long arm of the law is watching you.
STEVIE That makes no sense whatsoever.
DC (pleased with himself) Precisely. Come on lads! There’s tea to be drunk. (they leave)
STEVIE They are just as stupid as they seemed in Dreamcatcher.
FM Indeed!
STEVIE Where to now?
FM We need to keep a look out for those Best Baddies. Let’s have a look along the beach, they may be
there.
STEVIE Good idea...
FM But what does that randomly projected sign say though…, Illyria Animal Casting Agency???
STEVIE Now that sounds like a very weak plot device!
FM Oh stop complaining! Do you want to have a look or what?
STEVIE Lead on Macduff!
FM Actually, it’s ‘lay on’…Pick a card, any card.
Animated Animal Casting Agency Blue group scene
We are in a casting agency waiting room. There are four bunches of animals lions, zebras, penguins and fantasy animals all waiting to be called in. They are all animal actors.
STEVIE I remember – this is from Night at the Oscars in 2014 I loved this scene…hey, we haven’t
changed. FM Hmm, something wrong there. Will recharge the cards during this scene!
SIMBA Morning Aslan!
ASLAN Oh, no, not you again, Simba! Are you up for this part too? Second angry lion?
SIMBA Yes, my agent called me yesterday. Do you know who got ‘First Angry Lion’
ASLAN I heard it might be Alex?
SIMBA Him again? He hasn’t stopped since Madagascar.
ASLAN Done much yourself recently?
SIMBA Couple of Discovery Channels, usual stuff, prowling the savannah, looking regal. You? ASLAN Stood in for the MetroGoldwyn Mayer lion for a week or two while he was on holiday. Paid
well. SIMBA Nice! ….(sees Cowardly Lion coming in) oh no!
ASLAN What?
SIMBA It’s him again…
ASLAN (turns to look) Oh no…
COWARDLY Morning, fellow thespians!
SIMBA/ASLAN (trying not to talk to him) Morning!
COWARDLY Do you know this is the same agency that cast me in the Wizard of Oz…
SIMBA Here we go again…
ASLAN When dear, dear Dorothy walked in… COWARDLY When dear, dear Dorothy walked in the place just lit up. And as soon as we danced together
it was clear… SIMBA/ASLAN … that it was meant to be. We know.
COWARDLY No need to be like that. Just because Dorothy and I are the very best of friends…
SIMBA Oh look, its Alex.
ASLAN Hi Alex ALEX (very starry, sunglasses etc) Hey dudes! You up for this shindig?
SIMBA Yep? You?
ALEX Already there my friend, already there. I’ll be reading with you in there.
COWARDLY Any tips?
ALEX Well there’s no singing or dancing, mate, so I think you’re going to struggle.
COWARDLY Drat!
ALEX You two, there’ll probably be a bit of improv. Just be yourself. See you on the green! (speaks into a mobile phone) Tell Spielberg it’s three mill or I’m not doing it…
SIMBA Show off!
ASLAN Talentless ham! Chews the scenery, dear, literally.
ASSISTANT Can we have Mr Aslan please? Mr Attenborough will see you know.
SIMBA Break a leg, mate.
ASLAN Cheers, mate. Fancy a waterhole afterwards?
SIMBA Sure?
COWARDLY Can I come? SIMBA Only if you don’t mention Munchkins.
ZEBRA 1 (looking at the lions)What are they doing here?
ZEBRA 2 There’s another Attenborough.
ZEBRA 1 Hmmm. This is the fourth casting I’ve done this week. Seems to be a fair bit of work about for a jobbing zebra at the moment.
ZEBRA 2 About time. I thought Racing Stripes would be a breakthrough movie for me but nothing ever
came of it.
ZEBRA 1 You were good in that! ZEBRA 2 Thanks, love! Never fitter! Had to lose a load of weight for it. Put it right back though! Wait a
minute. Didn’t you do Marty in Madagascar? ZEBRA 1 Guilty as charged!
ZEBRA 2 That was good work, mate. Well done. Thought you captured the angst of the zebra beautifully.
ZEBRA 1 What’s the role here?
ZEBRA 2 My agent wasn’t very specific. He said it may involve a bit of running around. Scared acting.
ZEBRA 1 I can do that. Who’s this?
DONKEY (dressed in a zebra tabard) Morning.
ZEBRA 1 And what are you here for?
DONKEY The Zebra role. ZEBRA 1 You’re not going to fool anyone you know. You’re a donkey.
ZEBRA 2 This is a role for a real Zebra. Dressing up like that, it’s an insult.
ZEBRA 1 Zebra-ist, that is. Animalist appropriation! Blatant.
DONKEY Look, we’re all actors together, eh? There’s been nothing since Shrek and I’ve got mouths to feed.
ZEBRA 1 You ought to be ashamed…
ASSISTANT Mr Marty please. Mr Attenborough will see you now.
ZEBRA 2 (indicates the lions with some trepidation) But isn’t that where one of them went?
ZEBRA 1 (after a nervous pause) Naaah. Must be a double thing going on. There’ll be some
separation. Different room. It’ll be fine… ZEBRA 2 Have a good one. Break a leg!
ZEBRA 1 Ta! (he goes)
PENGUIN 1 And I said to Morgan Freeman, who is a dear dear man, look, Morgy, I don’t care how cold you are, I’m not going to walk any further. My flippers are killing me.
PENGUIN 2 Dear, dear Morgy. I was just a background artist on that. There were thousands of us.
Ridiculous queue for the catering van at lunchtime
PENGUIN 1 Well, at least it was a job, dear. Not to be sniffed at.
PENGUIN 3 I think you need to stay versatile, you know. Nowadays you have to be a triple threat to survive. My Mum taught me to tap and that got me into Mary Poppins but that was it for ages until I forked out for some street dance lessons and got Happy Feet.
PENGUIN 1 All very well for you to say. For a true actor like me, it’s the text, darling, the text!
PENGUIN 4 Couldn’t agree more. I’m convinced it was my closing speech in episode 34 of Pingu that got
me the role in ’The Wrong Trousers’ PENGUIN 2 Oh, do it for us, please!
PENGUIN 1 Oh yes, anything to lift the gloom of this waiting room…
PENGUIN 4 Oh I couldn’t…
He is easily persuaded PENGUIN 4 Let me set the scene. Pingu is with his mother. The fish has been eaten by the seal. They
will go hungry that night. Pingu ‘s father comers through the door and Pingu turns to him and says…
(gibberish Pingu sounds but in hugely melodramatic style saying. ‘I’m sorry Father, I have let you and the family down. Because of my stupidity we will starve tonight. I am no longer worthy to be called you son. I must leave. I will come back only when I have proven myself. Farewell, farewell. He finishes in a flourish and sits, exhausted by his acting efforts. The other penguins applaud)
PENGUIN 1 Marvellous, marvellous, darling.
PENGUIN 2 Yes, sheer poetry. No wonder Aardman came calling for ‘The Wrong Trousers.’ You
deserved it.
PENGUIN 4 Thank you. The Oscar was, I think, all borne from that one speech.
PENGUIN 3 So what are they looking for here then? PENGUIN 2 Well, I’ve heard tell there’s a new Ice Age slated for production next year and they’re
bringing it bang up to date. Could be loads for everyone in that. My agent’s all over it. Maybe that’s what this is.
ASSISTANT Dancing penguins to the left. Acting Penguins to the right please.
PENGUIN 1 Here we go. Good luck, Gerald.
PENGUIN 3 Thank you Miles. PENGUIN 2 Let’s show them what a Penguin can do…
PENGUIN 4 Mah, may, mee, may, mah maw moo, maw, mah…
They leave
SIMBA Funny little chaps, those. COWARDLY Tasty though…
(offstage sound of lion roaring and a zebra squealing horribly)
SIMBA Sounds like Aslan’s on form.
ZEBRA 2 What was that?????
DONKEY What? I didn’t hear anything.
ZEBRA 2 Oh…oh… probably nothing…
Two assistants carry on a stretcher with a sheet covering what is clearly ZEBRA 1 ZEBRA 2 Oh dear…
Aslan enters, covered in blood
COWARDLY How was it? What did they ask you to do?
ASLAN Bit of improv. Bit of reading. Worked with some of the other actors.
SIMBA And???
ASLAN Said they’d let my agent know. Not sure I was angry enough.
ASSISTANT Simba, please!
SIMBA That’s me. See you at the watering hole?
ASLAN Yes. Be angry!!!
SIMBA (smilingly) Grrrr! (he goes) ASSISTANT And Stripes please?
ZEBRA 2 (to DONKEY) Why don’t you go in first – give you a bit of a head start eh?
DONKEY (oblivious to the danger) Well, all right. Thanks!
ZEBRA 2 No problem…
(DONKEY GOES)
ZEBRA 2 Sucker!
GRUFFALO You see the trouble, whenever people see me they say ‘There goes The Gruffalo’ not ‘there goes Gary Faulkner. I just think that I’ve got typecast.
DRAGON Cheer up mate. There’s always lots of work around for us fantasy creatures.
GRUFFALO Well that’s easy for you to say. You’ve just come off a two year trip to Ireland doing that Game of Thrones series – you must be rolling in it!
DRAGON You know nothin’, Jon Snurr!.
ALIEN I know I lived off Star Wars for ages. That bar scene still pays the mortgage. But I’m just not
scary enough. Have you seen what I’m up against. Mick Rogers, the guy who did the Alien films – have you seen that dude? Scary, man. Really scary. And look at me.Wouldn’t scare a flea.
(Sounds of a lion roaring and a donkey braying)
ALIEN Now that’s a scary sound!
GRUFFALO All I’m saying is, you’ve got to find a director with a bit of imagination. A bit of flair. To see
through the outward appearance to the actor beneath.
DRAGON True. But there’s always loads for us dragons – I’ve been Pete’s Dragon, done a few Merlins, never really been out of work. And all us dragon’s look the same. Lucky I guess.
GRUFFALO What’s the part here?
DRAGON Let’s see (reads) We are looking for a fantasy creature, quite scary…
ALIEN There you go, that’s me finished. I’m off.
DRAGON Preferably quickly recognised…
GRUFFALO Yes, yes…!!!
DRAGON And green, scaly, able to fly and can breathe fire.
GRUFFALO I’m gone. (he goes)
DRAGON Oh, no, wait, it didn’t say that at all…Heh heh heh. No wonder dragons get all the parts…
(Assistants carry on the stretcher again with a sheet covering donkey – Simba enters covered in blood)
SIMBA Well that’s me for the day!
COWARDLY Me next I suppose. If only the Scarecrow and the TinMan could see me now.
SIMBA I’m warning you…
ASSISTANT Can we have the Cowardly Lion please. Hello sir and how are we today?
COWARDLY Well, you know, a bit nervous…
ASSISTANT Nothing to be worried about. Just through there and follow the horrific trail of fresh warm blood to the end of the corridor.
COWARDLY Thank you. Well, here goes…
ASSISTANT And can we have Stripes this time please.
ZEBRA 2 Yes, sorry, got a bit confused last time didn’t it, hah ha! (he goes) ASSISTANT (to Dragon) You again? Why are you the only fantasy animal who ever turns up for these
castings? DRAGON Hello, Claudette. I don’t know. Strange isn’t it. Always seems to be just me.
ASSISTANT Well, I guess the part is yours. We’ll get in touch with your agent.
(More lion and zebra noises). DRAGON Sounds exciting! Well see you soon! (He goes,)
ASSISTANT Bye!
Assistant leaves too passing the stretcher coming in carrying the COWARDLY LION. ZEBRA 2 comes in covered in blood.
ZEBRA 2 (to audience) Well, I think I nailed that!
STEVIE Who doesn’t love a penguin, eh? Shall we continue to the beach?
FM Let’s! The cards are recharged so we should change again this time. Pick a card…
Skypainting by Numbers Green group scene, joined by whole cast for song chorus perhaps
STEVIE Look – it’s the kids from Sam’s school in Dreamcatcher. Mum says this is Annette’s favourite song.
1 Come and sit next to me, Stevie!
(STEVIE sits with them as they point and marvel.)
2 I’ll budge up. We’re looking at clouds. I can see an elephant.
3 …and I can see a bird.
STEVIE That one looks like a tortoise!
4 Look! There’s a Tyrannosaurus roaring!
Song Skypainting by numbers.
(Laughter and support from the rest for each observation. The class continues to mime during the singing.)
SOLO Looking at the sky
Shapes are passing by White but filled with colour As they fly and fly Painting clouds by numbers Filling in the shades We talk and laugh for hours On this lovely day Skypainting by numbers Our wondering minds run free Skypainting by numbers My friends and me
1 I can see a lizard sitting in a tree
2 And I can see a teddy bear waving at me
3 I can see a planet, red and dark and big
4 There’s a wolf, he’s blowing down the houses of the pigs
5 Look out for the leopard, waiting there to pounce
6 And there go Tom and Jerry, chasing Mickey Mouse
7 I think I see a tractor, or maybe it’s a train
8 And there’s a little rabbit with a daisy chain
Chorus Looking at the sky
Shapes are passing by White but filled with colour As they fly and fly Painting clouds by numbers Filling in the shades We talk and laugh for hours On this lovely day Skypainting by numbers Our wondering minds run free Skypainting by numbers My friends and me
9 See the shape of Britain, hanging in the sky
10 It’s turned into a monster with a staring eye
11 And there’s soaring eagle, circling in the sun
12 And that one looks a little like a big currant bun
13 Tower Bridge is opening, letting in the boat
14 And there’s a fairy castle with a silver moat
15 There’s the flag of Scotland,
16 And there’s a Christmas tree
17 It’s turned into a Unicorn galloping free Chorus Looking at the sky
Shapes are passing by White but filled with colour As they fly and fly Painting clouds by numbers Filling in the shades We talk and laugh for hours On this lovely day
(The two parts are sung over each other)
Skypainting by numbers (We’ll paint the sky in rainbow colours) Our wondering minds run free (Red and green and blue and yellow all day long) Skypainting by numbers (We’ll paint the sky in rainbow hues) My friends and me (My friends and me) Skypainting by numbers (We’ll paint the sky in rainbow colours) Our wondering minds run free (Red and green and blue and yellow all day long) Skypainting by numbers (We’ll paint the sky in rainbow hues) My friends and me (My friends and me) My friends and me (My friends and me)
STEVIE My friends and me.
(Song ends.) STEVIE I’m so happy here.
18 I wish we could come here every day.
19 It’s much better than that smelly old classroom!
20 I like our classroom. It’s got all our pictures up on the walls.
21 But it always smells of school dinners.
22 And your smelly feet!
FM Stevieie! Look! It’s the baddies! Stay there and blend
in… K Nice here, isn’t it??
NM A sleepy seaside scene where the townspeople have no idea of th evil that lurks within.
Korst (scared) Where?
NM I mean us, of course! A town surrounded by nightmares.
WW And now to bring disaster to Stevie and Best. All we need to find is the person she’s most scared of, the Fairground Man, and let his evil loose…!
Korst He’ll be at the Pleasure Beach – his evil domain!
NM We will trap in a web of his own devising – one of his fairground rides!
DD We can’t lose!!!
All Hahhahahaha DD Is it me, or did that laugh seem a little, I don’t know, premature?
NM Pride comes before the fall!
WW Pride before the Gods! K Otherwise known as Hubris!
WW The basis for all tragedy.
DD And all tragedy is drama.
NM And if there is drama
All There is BEST! DD So, we’ve just messed up a bit then, haven’t we?
NM Hmm. Maybe we need to get off the stage before we say something else we might regret…(drops an
ice cream cone) To the Pleasure Beach! STEVIE Hey! Pick that up! Litter lout.
NM I’m a baddy. That’s the kind of evil thing I do…
The baddies leave.
STEVIE (to the kids) Wait there a second… (to FM) hey, you aren’t really evil are you?
FM Not evil, no. Just a bit mysterious and menacing…
STEVIE The trouble is, that means there’s no real jeopardy in this story. I’m OK, You’re OK. How are you guys?
Kids Ok!!!
STEVIE See? We’re all OK.
FM But… er… but… I know! What if they get to the Pleasure Beach first? Who knows what Nightmares
they may unleash…!
(dan dan dahhhh!)
DS (Police arriving at speed) Who said ‘Nightmare’?
DC Who said ‘Pleasure Beach’?
SARGE Who said tomato?
DC I said tomato
DS Who said potato?
SARGE I said potato.
DC Tomato?
SARG Tomato
DS Potato?
SARG Potato
All Let’s call the whole thing off.
(Finish with jazz hands)
STEVIE What is this ‘Pleasure Beach’ anyway.
DC It’s an old abandoned funfair. But no one goes there anymore. Not after…the incident!
SARG It’s been abandoned for years, ever since…. The incident
STEVIEThe incident?
DS The incident!
STEVIEThe incident?
SARG Yes, the incident!!!! STEVIE You keep saying the incident. What happened?
DC We don’t know.
SARG No-one knows.
DS It just… happened.
Sam What did?
Police (gulp) It…
(pause) Sam Oh, for goodness sake, just tell me.
DS It was a dark night, just like this…
FM Here’s a torch. There you go.
DS Thank you. SARG There were three policemen…
DC Just like us…
DS And a child, DC Just like you…
DS Who came to the Pleasure Beach at night after it closed
SARG Just like us
Sam And… what happened.
DC No one knows!
Sam Oh for goodness sake DS Some people said they heard music (music starts under). Some say they saw strange flashing lights
(strange flashing lights start), some say they heard nightmare sounds (wolf howl and thunder) but one thing everyone agrees on…
STEVIE What was that?
DS It’s time for a cuppa Rosie!
STEVIE Oh good grief! Where is the Pleasure Beach anyway?
DC It’s at the far end of the beach. We can walk along the Prom to get there.
Sam The Prom? What’s that?
DS It’s short for Promenade
SARG I’ll have a glass!
DS No, you parsnip, promenade. Not lemonade.
Sam But what is The Promenade? The Prom?
SARG She doesn’t know what the Prom is!
DS Show her everyone!
Song Do The Prom! (ensemble)
When the summertime is comin’ and the sun is ridin’ high It’s time to get your dancin’ shoes, I’ll teach you how to fly And do the Prom. Everybody do the Prom. With the movin’ you’ll be makin’ we’ll set the pier a-shakin’ with the Prom
You’ll be jivin’ on the pleasure beach and jumpin’ on the sand You’ll be twistin’ while you’re listenin’ to the rhythm of the band And do the Prom. Everybody do the Prom With the movin’ you’ll be makin’, we’ll set the pier a-shakin’ with the Prom
Hit it boys…
Get your left foot a tappin’ put your right hand in the air Jump back, wiggle, run your hands right through your hair Step to the right, clap, and go the other way Now step along the Prom on a hazy Summer’s day And do the Prom, everybody do the Prom
So when your feelin’ down and lonely and your head is in a spin Just move your body, do the Prom and bring the fun back in And do the Prom. Everybody do the Prom With the movin’ you’ll be makin’, we’ll set the pier a-shakin’ with the Prom (repeat x 3)
DS Hold up, hold up! Before you go, we’re going to do something different. We’re going to do the Best
annual awards right now and not at the end.
DC Why, guv?
DS We want to bring the show to a close with a big finale, not with David spouting his usual drivel. Go and get them Constable.
DC Will do sir.
DS Sarge, get the awards…
SARG On my way…
DS Ah David and Annette! Perhaps you’d like to do the honours?
DB and AH do the awards
DS Right. And just a formality…David, could I see your dramatic licence please.
DB Er… must be in my other pocket. It was ‘er! She made me do it.
AH If I cough now will you ‘ave a word in the beak’s shell-like? You’ve got us bang to rights!
DB/AH We’re going dahn!
DS Take’em to chokey, Sarge. Such a shame to see good people go bad. Still, 20 years does strange things to people…Alright you lot! On that bombshell, it’s interval time. Back in 20. Off you go now… etc etc
INTERVAL
Act Two
Back in Illyria (mostly Yellow scene)
Police get everyone in from the foyer.
DS Right we all ready then.
SARG Think so. I kind of lost the plot though…
DC Me too , Sir. Its labyrinthine farragos left me in a disorientated dizzle.
DS What we need is a recap!
SARG Ooh, like on the telly. Let’s do it!
DC Previously, on Daydreaming…
DS No – stop that! I hate montages. Let’s jump straight back into the action!
SARG Yes sir. So, we find our heroes in an underpass leading to the beach, which seems to be strangely like a cave…
And go to next page OR Sarge We find our heroes on another part of the beach, very close to a lovely caff to which we will now
repair… and then jump to page 32
Echoes Green group scene
STEVIE This is a funny old underpass. It’s strangely like a cave.
SARG I’ve just told them that!
STEVIE In fact it’s just like the cave from ‘Sunlight’ in 2008
SARG Oh, right! Sorry!
FM What happened there.
STEVIE Shhh. Be very quiet. If you wait for a moment, something might come out….
Echoes are cute and blue creatures.
Ech1 Come out Echoes.
There is a brief dance to Teardrop by Massive Attack
Ech2 All is quiet and there’s nothing to echo. Ech2 Good. Echoing is boring down here in these caves.
Ech10 Every cave is the same – all dark and dingy and dripping.
Ech11 It does make our work easier though. It’s not hard to catch a sound made in the cave to echo.
Ech12 It’s much more difficult outside where the sound can go anywhere.
Ech3 But it used to be so much more fun out there. I used to live in a big wide wooded valley. All you could hear was the rush of the beautiful river and the wind in the trees. There wasn’t much to echo because there was no-one around to hear it! But when the echo came it bounced and bounced and bounced.
Ech6 Yes, we used to work in the same valley. I’D BE FIRST
Ech3 (quieter) and I’d be second
Ech4 I used to live high up in the mountains. In the summertime when the rocks were bare I could echo the goats and birds and sometimes the shouts of people. But in the winter when everything was snowy I didn’t have to echo anything.
Ech5 I used to live in a big cave where people used to meet and play music. It was lovely to echo their
beautiful songs and make their sound even bigger. Ech9 I used to live on the bright white cliffs above the azure sea. I used to echo the cry of the gulls as they
wheeled and swooped overhead. Ech1 The problem is that we can’t echo unless there’s someone around to hear it.
Ech7 And even then you can only echo whatever noise they make. It’s really frustrating because
sometimes I’d really like to have a little chat! But you just end up saying ‘Hellooo, hellooo, hellooo” Ech8 I‘d like to talk to people about the different sounds people could make using echoes if they really
tried. Ech13 The trouble is that people see a cave and what’s the first thing they do? They shout into it. We go in
to echo the sound and we bounce around and can’t get out again.
Ech14 And that’s how we’ve all ended up down here. We kept bouncing further and further down the cave.
Ech15 It would be nice to get out again. Into the sunlight.
Ech16 Maybe one day. But for now at least we get a good rest most days.
Ech17 Except today – someone’s coming… hide before they shout…
STEVIE (shouts) HELLO??!!
The Echoes bounce around the place echoing the ‘Hello’ until they finally stop still.
FM Who, or what are those things?
Ech (What?)
Ech (Things..things..things…)
STEVIE They just repeat everything we say
Ech (say say say)
FM This could be fun! Helllooooo!
Ech (Hellooooo!)
FM I am!
Ech (am!)
FM Great!
Ech (great)
STEVIE Oh stop it! You’re teasing them. Can’t you see they don’t like
it? Ech (Stop it)
FM They look so
Ech (so so so)
FM Fed up
Ech (nodding) Fed up!
STEVIE Are you sad?
Ech Sad?
STEVIE You are sad?
Ech Sad (they nod with the word.)
FM Poor things,
STEVIE These are the little Echoes from Sunlight. David loves this scene.
Echoes nod
FM It must be a bit depressing having no language of their own. They can only echo what they’ve heard I bet they’ve got lots they’d like to say…
Ech Say! Say!
FM But they can’t
Ech Can’t can’t (shaking heads)
STEVIE I’ve got an idea. Hello?
Ech Hello? Hello! (they come over saying hello)
STEVIE I’ve got an idea
Ech (they all repeat idea in excited, enthusiastic ways) STEVIE You have to repeat what we, or anyone else, says. That’s true, isn’t it?
Ech ‘True isn’t it’
STEVIE But what if you were repeating what people had said, but later?
Ech Later? Etc
STEVIE Yes, Echoes of the past .We will say some phrases.
Ech Phrases?
STEVIE Then if you say them later, it’s just like a delayed echo.
Ech Delayed echo?
FM Yes, like an echo from the past.
Ech The past!
FM So as long as someone has said it before
Ech Before…
FM It means that you can say it again in the future
Ech In the future…
FM Whenever you like…
Ech Whenever you like…
FM Because it will still be an echo
Ech An echo…
STEVIE Try it.
Ech Try it???
STEVIE I’ll give you a couple of words and phrases..
Ech Words and Phrases?
STEVIE You echo them, wait a bit and then echo them back
Ech Echo them back
STEVIE Here we go
Ech Go
STEVIE Hello
Ech Hello…
STEVIE How are you…
Ech How are you… (pause)
Then starting from the quietest like a wave
Ech Hellol hello hello hello hello HELLO
STEVIE Good!
Ech (excited) Good….
(pause – they concentrate and try again) Ech How are you how are you how are you HOW ARE YOU!
FM It’s working
All It’s working… (all jump around in excitement shouting HELLO, HOW ARE YOU, IT’S WORKING.) STEVIE Now all we need to do is talk to you for a while and you’ll have loads of phrases stored away you can
bring back later! Yay! Ech Yay!
FM Can you help us now?
Echs Help!
FM How do we get out. Can we follow you? Can you guide us?
Echs Guide! Yes! Follow Echoes
The echoes disperse. STEVIE So if we get lost, we just call out and the echoes will guide us?
FM Now that’s clever! Soundwaves bouncing off these things as a guidance system…bound to be a
military application for something like that! Come on Pick a card, any card…
Rock People Blue Group Scene
STEVIE Those echoes were so CUTE!!! But it’s nice to be out of that cave.
FM Come on,
STEVIE! Not far to the Pleasure Beach now.
STEVIE But this part of the beach is really bumpy. I’m trying but it really isn’t easy over these rocks. And where has everyone gone? It’s quiet…
FM Too quiet… What was that?
STEVIE Where?
FM Over there. I’m sure I saw someone.
STEVIE Don’t be silly. Who would live out here? Amongst all these rocks.
DS Funny looking rocks aren’t they?
STEVIE Yep, really ugly and twisted.
DC Like you really, Sarge…Hey! That one moved.
STEVIE Rocks don’t move – it’s just your imagination.
FM No, it did, it definitely moved.
STEVIE You’re scaring me, now!
FM I’m scaring myself.
STEVIE Let’s just keep moving…
(FM is whisked away from behind her, and Stevie is now followed by the RockPeople)
R1 Yes, let’s just keep moving.
STEVIE How did you change your voice like that?
R1 Like what?
STEVIE See! You’ve done it again! (she turns) Ah! You’re not the Fairground Man are you?
R1 Not last time I looked, no!
STEVIE I’ll just be off then… (turns and runs into more RockPeople). Oops! R2 Oops indeed, young lady. And where might you be off to on this unseasonably warm morning?
STEVIE I… I don’t know whether I should tell you. And anyway I’m not telling you anything until I get my
friend back! R3 He’s perfectly safe – for now!
STEVIE Who are you people?
R2 We are.. R all …the Rock People.
STEVIE Oh I remember you’re the Rock People from Timonfeya aren’t you?
R3 Might be…
STEVIE And I’m supposed to say ‘Never heard of you’.
R3 That’s right, then we can get on with the comedy.
STEVIE Ok, I’m in! Ahem… ‘Never heard of you?’
R1 No wonder – no-one has met us yet – and lived!
(Significant pause) R5 Now, that’s not strictly true, is it Granite, me old mate?
R6 I don’t remember actually killing anyone in fact.
R7 Well, there was that hiker... R8 He just fell over and gave himself a bit of a bump on the head on Shale over there.
R1 But he is a rock though!
R9 Well, we’re a bit hard to miss out here, aren’t we?
R10 True, Gneiss, true. Lot of rocks around here.
R11 Hence our name…
R all The Rock People!
R12 We like saying that!
STEVIE I gathered.
R3 So don’t worry, dear, I think he’s trying to use a threat to scare you into telling us where you’re going.
R2 But I can see from your face you’re fairly unimpressed.
R1 No she isn’t, Slate, she’s quaking with fear, aren’t you?
STEVIE I’m er.. not sure…
R1 Well you should be. We could be anyone. You should take more care!
R2 But we are anyone, aren’t we?
R3 I am. R4 I’m not. I’m someone.
R5 And I’m me.
R6 To you, you’re you. To me, I’m me and you’re Granite.
R7 So to you, he’s you. And to me, you’re you. But I’m me.
R8 Yes, to you, you are. But not to me. You’re you.
R1 Ah, I see. We’re all you to each other, but me to ourselves.
R9 But I feel more like him than me.
R10 And I don’t feel like myself at all.
R11 And I feel like a new man.
R10 Exactly! R1 I’ve got a headache now! And we’re still no further on with finding out where this little lady is off to.
R4 Just out of interest…
STEVIE Where’s my friend, you strange people you? R5 He really is safe. I left him just over there, sitting behind a boulder.
STEVIE Which one?
R5 A grey one, I think. Over… there…somewhere…
STEVIE You can’t remember which one, can you?
R5 I’m sure it will come back to me. But it is difficult. Everything is so grey.
STEVIE Well, find my friend, and I’ll tell you where I’m going.
R1 Excellent. We can find him by testing the resonance of each rock.
R2 Using the medium of song!
STEVIE Of song??? R3 Yes, you’ve heard of Rock singers haven’t you?
STEVIE Oh, dear…
Song Rock Song
STEVIE and FM can join in this one.
Everywhere you go, right across the World From the snowy mountain tops to the underworld You’re never ever more than a stone’s throw away from rock You can feel it in your shoes, you can hold it in your hand You can roll it while you’re rockin’ to the rhythm of the band Coz everybody knows that the whole World’s built on rock Chorus Rock! (rock) Rock! (rock) Rock! (rock) Rock! We are shingle we are gravel, we’re a boulder or a block Yeah we like it, we like it Coz rock is all over the World (repeat) Chill with the marble, grind up the stones Feel the jingle of the shingle send a tingle through your bones You can crack it you can hack but there’ll never be a lack of rock Metamorphic, sedimentary, igneous it doesn’t really… Matter coz the strata holds the rock in line together
And the valleys and the mountains show the underlying pattern of rock Chorus And if you see a rock is rollin’ Then you’d better start a-strollin’ Coz it might roll over you And we never have to worry even if we’re in a quarry Coz we’re rockin’ the whole night through Chorus
R1 See! Told you it would work!
STEVIE Oh, very clever.
FM Hi Stevie. They were quite nice to me really. Tried to feed me but I think I chipped a tooth.
STEVIE Don’t tell me…
FM On a rock cake!
R all (hysterics)
STEVIE Yes, yes, yes.
R14 So, we kept our side of the bargain.
R15 Now it’s your turn.
R16 Where are you going?
STEVIE What do you think??
FM They seem OK, if a little dense. R all (more hysterics at ‘dense’ – we’re rock what do you expect etc)
STEVIE All right, all right. I’ll tell you. We’re going to the Pleasure Beach to stop the Best baddies from
ruining the 20th anniversary show..
(the hysterics stop abruptly)
R12 Is that really the best plot you could come up with?
STEVIE I know, but it’s proving to be an excellent way of getting David and Annette’s favourite scenes into this play.
R14 Ok, we’ll buy that. The Best Baddies came past here
R6 They did…. terrible things.. to us.
R7 Awful things. FM Like what?
R8 They… eroded us!
R all (wails of horror)
STEVIE Eroded you?!
R9 Yeah, attrition
R10 Abrasion
R11 Freeze/thaw
R2 They knew all the tricks. R3 See him? 10 ton glacial erratic he was and now look at him. Barely a pebble!
STEVIE How terrible for you!
R4 See all this gravel? That was my mate Limestone. Now look at him.
R5 He’s a Zen garden!
R6 At least he’s at peace... STEVIE (to FM) That’s one of David’s favourite ever jokes.
FM Never got a laugh though, did it?
R11 And they took some of us away…
R12 To get melted into…
R all LAVA!!!! (Much consternation and horror at the memory. Most rocks except 1 & 2 exit)
STEVIE Lava does feature quite heavily in a number of Best shows.
R1 So it’s really dangerous.
R2 Yeah, please don’t go. STEVIE We have to. We have to stop the baddies.
FM Or they’ll ruin the 20th anniversary show.
R1 Wow! Heavy!
R2 Speak for yourself!
STEVIE So we must go on.
R1 Of course. Our rocky bit ends just there, you’ll find the walking easier on the sand.
STEVIE Oh good. Thanks.
R1 But see that couple down there by the water’s edge?
STEVIE Yes.
R1 Well, whatever you do, don’t get distracted by them…!
STEVIE Oh, OK…
R2 Good luck! May the power of rock be with you!
FM Let’s go!
STEVIE Who are they? The couple down there…
FM The rocks said not to get distracted…
STEVIE Yes, but David wouldn’t have put them into the script unless they had some purpose…
FM Oh all right, let’s go and see. Pick a card, any card…
Twelfth Night Yellow group
STEVIE Aha! You remember that song in act one – The Saddest Souls, from Twelfth Night?
FM Yes.
STEVIE Well this is later in the play. Remember Orsino sent Cesario, who is really Viola dressed as a boy, to woo Olivia?
FM er… yes
STEVIE Well Olivia has fallen in love with her, Viola, thinking she is him, Cesario.
FM (unsure) Oooh Kaaay
STEVIE And this is where she declares her love. It’s fun!
Olivia Now! What is your name?
VIOLA Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
OLIVIA My servant, sir! Not my servant. You work for Orsino don’t you?
VIOLA And he is yours, and his must needs be yours Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.
OLIVIA Oh I just wish he'd forget about me, I don't think of him at all. Look, when you were last here weaving your magic spell I sent a ring after you, and in doing so I embarrassed myself, my servant and, I’m afraid, you I really don’t know what you must think of me? But I think you already have a good idea as to why I did it. So, please, tell me what you think.
VIOLA I pity you.
OLIVIA That's a kind of love.
VIOLA No, not a bit; very often we pity enemies.
OLIVIA Why, then, it’s time to smile again. Be not afraid, good youth, I won't bother you any more. Go now.
There lies your way, due west.
VIOLA Then westward-ho!
OLIVIA Stay please, tell me what you think of me.
VIOLA That you do think you are not what you are.
OLIVIA If I think so, I think the same of you.
VIOLA Then think you right I am not what I am.
OLIVIA I would you were as I would have you be!
VIOLA Would it be better, madam, than I am? I wish it might, for now I am your fool. OLIVIA (aside) O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
In the contempt and anger of his lip!
(to Cesario throwing herself at his feet))
Cesario, by the roses of the spring, By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing, I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride, Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
VIOLA (possibly trying to walk away with Olivia desperately hanging on to his leg)
By innocence I swear, and by my youth I have one heart, one bosom and one truth, And that no woman has; nor never none Shall mistress be of it, save I alone. And so adieu, good madam never more Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
OLIVIA Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move
That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
Viola exits
OLIVIA (sighs) Song Song Stay with Me (Sweet Cesario)
SOLO with backing
You came into my life And took away my heart But now I’m all alone And to stop me falling apart
Stay with me Cesario, don’t be hard and cruel Take care not to break my heart Show me I’m no fool Stay with me, Cesario, live in my hotel I’ll be yours for evermore You’ll be mine as well Hold me, hug me, thrill me, will me I won’t put up a fight Let me feel your arms around me Marry me tonight Sweet sweet Cesario, Stay with me.
Stay with me, Cesario, take me as your wife Put a ring upon my finger Marry me for life I don’t need no diamond ring or fancy wedding dress All I need’s your sweet, sweet smile and loving tenderness Hold me, hug me, thrill me, will me I won’t put up a fight Let me feel your arms around me Marry me tonight Sweet sweet Cesario, Stay with me
But if you want to leave me I would understand I’ll just cry the whole night through if you won’t take my hand So stay.
Sweet sweet Cesario, stay with me.
STEVIE Now Viola’s identical twin brother, Sebastian has arrived, and Olivia can’t tell the difference!
Olivia I prithee, gentle friend,
Go with me to my house, And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby Mayst smile at this thou shalt not choose but go Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me, He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
Seb What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep; If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA Nay, come, I prithee; would thou be ruled by me!
Seb Madam, I will.
OLIVIA O, say so, and so be! [Exeunt]
SEB This is the air; that is the glorious sun; This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't; And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus, Yet 'tis not madness.
OLIVIA Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me away to the holy man Into the chantry by there, before him, And underneath that consecrated roof, Plight me the full assurance of your faith; What do you say?
SEB I'll visit this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA Then lead the way, to the father; and heavens so shine, That they may fairly note this act of mine!
Song Best Kept Secret
There’s a secret wedding going on around this town And I’m the only one who knows what’s going down! I’m not allowed to tell you anything that I know About Olivia marrying her boyfriend Cesario If I breathe a word the secret might get out And I don’t want anyone to start to scream and shout So I ain’t saying nothing, I’ll keep this secret till my dying day That Olivia is marrying Cesario today
Various others as they pick up the gossip
She’s found a priest who can see the service through And it won’t be long before Olivia says ‘I do’ Then they’ll make their vows to each other hand in hand And Cesario will seal it with a makeshift wedding band
So don’t make me tell you, coz I won’t say a word I refuse to comment on anything that might occur You can ask all you like but I won’t say, no, I just won’t give away That Olivia is marrying Cesario today
Hush keep it secret, so no-one knows Olivia is marrying Cesario
STEVIE I love a bit of 50’s rock’n’roll! Fairground Man… what’s the matter?
FM There it is, the Pleasure Beach.
STEVIE Looks a bit spooky!
FM This is where I must leave you for a while.
STEVIE Why?
FM You’ll see.
Baddies enter as FM disappears
NM Aha! Stevieie. Gotcha. Now you are in the clutches of a Nightmare!
DD You’re all lucked out, lady!
WW Bait for my flying monkeys! Ha ha!
Korst And I’m sure I can come up with some kind of lava-based threat if you’ll just give me a minute. NM And look where we find you! At the gates of the Pleasure Beach. Time for our somewhat tenuous
evil plan to come to fruition! Korst Make her ring the bell. You know, just in case there’s a trap door or something.
STEVIE Oh I’m not scared.
Rings the bell. Footsteps approach the door. This takes a ludicrously long time - going though doors and up and down stairs, in a lift etc, Finally the door creaks loudly open It’s the Fairground Man in full regalia
NM It’s him!
All The Fairground Man!!!
FM Welcome one, welcome all.
Welcome to Illyria’s Pleasure Beach The most unusual and special place for the serious amusement Of gentle, and not so gentle-folk. Within my domain you will find strangeness, mystery, and dreams Whether good or bad I cannot tell That part is up to you
STEVIE Sounds like Dreamcatcher
FM Your admittance is free Your departure, perhaps not so free And first my I present to you the exotic, the charming, the surprising Dingly Dell
Kids in Dingly Dell masks bouncing happily
Don’t you touch the beasts down in Dingly Dell They are nothing but abominations, visions of hell
NM Aww, look everyone, bunnies!
Korst And fluffy sheep
WW And a cow! DD This isn’t so bad.
Song Down in Dingly Dell Green group
Down in Dingly Dell where the air smells sweetly Everyone is kind and we wash twice weekly No-one’s ever ill, and the plants spread thickly Flowers stay in bloom and the grass grows quickly
Chorus
Lambies in the field go bleat bleat bleat Birdies in the trees go tweet tweet tweet Vultures on the ground eat fresh, raw meat Down in Dingly Dell
Down in Dingly Dell where it’s always sunny
The rivers run with chocolate for the Easter Bunny The trees are filled with apples we eat for our pud And the bushes carry berries red as any blood
Chorus
Down in Dingly Dell you should tread quite wary The monkeys are a pain and the lions are scary Peril is lurking round every corner You should see what they did to Little Jack Horner
Chorus
Down in Dingly Dell you’re in constant danger Fresh, red meat comes from every stranger Death walks beside you - a cruel companion Enjoy your last breaths before all hope is abandoned
Chorus
Toothies on your toes go munch munch munch Grinding up the flesh for lunch lunch lunch Hearing all your bones go crunch crunch crunch Down in Dingly Dell
Whether you’ll survive is hard to tell The bells that toll your dark death knell For you are at the gates of Hell! Down in Dingly Dell!
NM Ow!
WW What?
NM It bit me! DD Rabbits don’t bite.
NM OW! He did it again!
DD Stop being such a… OW!!! FM Having fun? And now, the final masterstroke.
Police come on
DS Not so fast, you miscreant, rule breaking ne’er do wells!
DC There’s a tautology if I ever heard one!
SARGE If you won’t stay in prison… DC Then the prison must come to you!
DS Come on, rocks.
Rock People come in singing We Will Rock You and create a rock cell and imprison the baddies.
DS Thanks, rock people. That was an excellent strata –gy SARGE Yes, it was Gneiss work
DS Sedimentary, my dear Watson
DC You certainly ‘chalked’ up a success there.
DS You made them beat an igneous retreat.
SARGE That didn’t work really did it…
FM And so the best show is safe!
Baddies For now!
STEVIE Shut up! So the play is saved, the baddies are captured and all is resolved in a suspiciously neat and brief denouement. It’s probably time to wake up, or else I’ll never get anything done.
FM One last number? Your choice.
STEVIE OK – the song I want perhaps the nicest ever end to a Best play. But that’s probably because
Shakespeare wrote it! FM Don’t let David hear you say that! You ready to go home then?
STEVIE Yes I think so. Another card?
FM Of course – pick a card, any card… Song When That I Was...
Solo When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day. With hey, ho, the wind and the rain For the rain it raineth every day
Greens But when I came to man's estate, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain 'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate, For the rain it raineth every day With hey, ho, the wind and the rain For the rain it raineth every day
Blues But when I came, alas! to wive, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain By swaggering could I never thrive, For the rain it raineth every day With hey, ho, the wind and the rain For the rain it raineth every day
Yellows But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain With toss-pots still had drunken heads, For the rain it raineth every day With hey, ho, the wind and the rain For the rain it raineth every day
All A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain
But that's all one, our play is done, And we'll strive to please you every day With hey, ho, the wind and the rain And we'll strive to please you every day
STEVIE (the original one from the start) solo When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day.
Stevie falls asleep at her desk Mum enters with a glass of water. Cast stay onstage, upstage.
Mum Stevie! (sees she’s asleep) Oh for goodness sake, I’ve only been away for 30 seconds!
Mum watches her fondly. Dreamcatcher enters.
DC Hi Sam Mum Hi Dreamcatcher.
DC Who'd have thought? 20 years on and you all grown up with your own daughter following in your
footsteps. Mum Following my dreams?
DC She has her own dreams. And her own Dreamcatcher - although I think hers is a bit different.
Mum The Fairground Man, yes. I just don't think she's realised yet that he is her Dreamcatcher.
DC She will, in time. Well, where to tonight?
Mum Take me back 20 years. We never age in our dreams and I'd like to go back to my Best beginning.
DC Well we could, but you have so many more dreams to dream. Don't look back now, look forward. Dream of what might be rather than what has been. What is unwritten, not yet scripted.
Mum Yes. Stevie's just at the beginning of her dreams.
DC The best of dreams.
Mum Yes. The best of dreams.
DC You ready?
Mum Yes.
DC Then catch a dream, any dream, and make it come true. For I am the Dreamcatcher, dreaming with you.
BLACKOUT
Curtain call
Encore
The Third Degree Well you’ve started doin’ somethin’ you’ve not been doin’ before You keep givin’ me the the third degree the minute that I walk through the door You wanna know ‘bout everythin’ and anyone I’ve seen today What it was and where it was and how much I had to pay But I’m tellin you that there ain’t no mystery And if you keep on goin’ at me I’ll be history Coz you ask too many questions Yeah, ask too many questions (WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHEN?)
Whats the matter baby, can’t you trust me to be nice? You don’t seem to realise that I’m the one whose holdin’ on like a vice There’s no point in worryin’ am not goin’ to be untrue There’s one boy(girl) I’m stickin with and that just might be you But if you wanna keep me sweet and make me your fiance You gotta stop askin’ questions and start to dance Coz you ask to many questions Yeah you ask to many questions (WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHEN?) Spoken over drum beat - get the audience involved So come on everyone, get on your hands in the air and clap I’ve got some questions of my own I’d like to ask So if you’ve got the answers you gotta show me! Here we go, are you ready? Can you do the fly? Can you do the monkey? How about the twist? And the boney maroney? How about the bird? And the watusi? Who knows the mashed potato? And who can do the Prom? Can you do the Prom? Show me the Prom! Can you answer all the questions (yes, yes we can) Can you answer all the questions (yes, yes we can) Repeat ad lib to end