dealing with difficult people joanne ward learning and performance improvement
TRANSCRIPT
Dealing with Difficult People
Joanne WardLearning and Performance Improvement
Dealing with Difficult People
Questions:
Do you know any difficult people?
More than one?
Is the person sitting beside you a difficult person?
Are you a difficult person?
Dealing with Difficult People
Insights and Tools:
Understanding Conflict
5 Characteristics of Difficult People
4 Pitfalls to Avoid in Dealing with Difficult People Video
5 Steps to Stop Difficult Behavior
Barrier to Synergy - Conflict
Definition: A difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires.
4 Primary Causes of Conflict:
1. Misunderstandings resulting from poor communication
2. Differences in values, goals, gifts, calling, priorities, expectations, interests, or opinions
3. Competition over limited resources (perceived or real)
4. Aggravated attitudes and habits that lead to hurtful words and actions
Reality: All relationships bring disorder and unpredictability.
Source: The Peace Maker, Ken Sande, 2004
Understanding Conflict
Conflict Mindsets
1. Conflict is a hazard that threatens to sweep me off my feet and leave me bruised and hurting.
2. Conflict is an obstacle that should be conquered quickly and firmly.
3. Conflict is an opportunity to solve common problems in a way that benefits all those involved.
Source: The Peace Maker, Ken Sande, 2004
Different Conflict Mindsets:
Responses to Conflict
1. Conflict is a hazardResponse = Escape – more interest in avoiding the conflict than in resolving it. All conflict is wrong or dangerous and threatening.
2. Conflict is an obstacle
Response = Attack – more interest in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship. Conflict is a contest or a chance to assert rights, control others, or take advantage of the situation.
Source: The Peace Maker, Ken Sande, 2004
Your Mindset Determines Your Response:
Responses to Conflict
3. Conflict is an opportunity
Response = Reconcile/Resolve – directed toward finding just and mutually agreeable solutions to conflict.
Focus is on "us" – working toward mutual responsibility in solving the problem.
Source: The Peace Maker, Ken Sande, 2004
Your Mindset Determines Your Response:
Dealing with Difficult People
5 Characteristics of Difficult People:
# 1. Predictable/abrasive style of behavior
# 2. Nearly everyone finds them difficult
Dealing with Difficult People
5 Characteristics of Difficult People:
#3. They avoid blame and responsibility
•See the world differently than we do
•Do not believe problems can be resolved
•Have not learned healthy problem solving procedure, learned to blame others.
Dealing with Difficult People
5 Characteristics of Difficult People:
#4. They are robbers of your time and energy.
10% (difficult people) take up to 40-60% of management’s time.
# 5. Behavior out of proportion to problem.
“Most toxic people are blaming, complaining or draining” Jonathon Ellerby, Ph.D.
Dr. Ben Bissell Video:
“Pitfalls to Avoid in Dealing with Difficult People”
4 Pitfalls to Avoid
Dealing with Difficult People
4 Pitfalls in dealing with Difficult People
Do not excuse people’s behaviorDo not ignore behaviorDo not believe you can change these people
oChange their behavior, not their personalityoYou and I teach people how to treat us
Do not collude - cooperate with difficult persons so they end up succeeding.oDifficult people either lean in or out and want you to do
the same.
Dealing with Difficult People
5 Steps to Stopping Difficult Behavior
#1. Must stand up “I am here to be taken seriously”
#2. Talk straight (7% words/38% tone/55% body language)
#3. Listen to them.
#4. Avoid Triangling.
#5. Move to problem solving.
1. Determine Involvement
“Is behavior or issue worth my
time & effort to deal with?”
Source: Bad Apples video
Resolving Conflict One-to-One
2. PAUSE! Understand the Other Person
Dealing with Difficult People
Hitting the Pause Button
Remember - Difficult people make you think backwards!
“Brain scientists have identified how such people do it: by subverting the way your brain makes decision. Strong emotions actually short-circuit the brain’s rational thought processes.”
Mark Goulston , M.D. author of Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
1. Determine Involvement
“Is behavior or issue worth my
time & effort to deal with?”
3. InfluenceBehavior
Communicatehow their
behavior affectsyou
(and othersif appropriate)
and the business.
Source: Bad Apples video
2. PAUSE! Understand the Other Person
Dealing with Difficult People
3. InfluenceBehavior
Communicatehow their
behavior affectsyou
(and othersif appropriate)
and the business.
Source: Bad Apples video and The Peace Maker, Ken Sande, 2004
Plan your words Choose words that indicate that you do not want
to continue the battle, but sincerely seeking
positive dialogue. Define the issue as narrow as possible. Be
specific. Focus. Identify words or topics that should be avoided.
Would offend or only make matters worse. Avoid "you always", "you never", "every time". What words best describe your feelings?
(concerned, frustrated, confused, disappointed, hurt, etc)
How the problem is impacting you.Use "I" statements:"When You _____, I Feel _____.As a result_____."
Offer your suggestions for solving the issue.
Dealing with Difficult People
1. Determine Involvement
“Is behavior or issue worth my
time & effort to deal with?”
3. InfluenceBehavior
Communicatehow their
behavior affectsyou
(and othersif appropriate)
and the business.
4. Resolve theProblem
Define expectations.Discuss and
agreeon best solution.
5. Recover & Move On
Regain positiveattitude about person and
situation.
Source: Bad Apples video
2. PAUSE! Understand the Other Person
Dealing with Difficult People
Summary
On any given day, all of us can be difficult!
Chose your battles.
Pause before reacting. Understand your natural response to conflict.
Listen and give respect. Understand their viewpoint.
Recover and move on.
Thank You!