Dealing with “DIFFICULT” PeopleDealing with “DIFFICULT” People

Part IPart I

Dealing with “Difficult” Dealing with “Difficult” PeoplePeople

There isn’t some kind of a magic There isn’t some kind of a magic formula that will work with formula that will work with everybody. everybody.

But there are some guidelines But there are some guidelines that can be very helpful.that can be very helpful.

What is the very first thing to What is the very first thing to do or not do in case of a fire?do or not do in case of a fire?

DON’T PANIC!DON’T PANIC! Meaning don’t Meaning don’t reactreact to their being to their being

difficult.difficult. When they come to us with their illogic, When they come to us with their illogic,

manipulation, accusation, complaining, manipulation, accusation, complaining, anger, etc. Do we get defensive, anger, etc. Do we get defensive, frustrated, or get loud?frustrated, or get loud?

The way we look when we The way we look when we reactreact is is actually very similar to them when they actually very similar to them when they started being difficult, the only difference started being difficult, the only difference is that “they started it” (Demo)is that “they started it” (Demo)

When we don’t react:When we don’t react:

We can better use our minds not our We can better use our minds not our emotions. (more to come on this emotions. (more to come on this point)point)

We can more easily separate between We can more easily separate between situations and people… We don’t want situations and people… We don’t want our dealing with one difficult person our dealing with one difficult person to make us difficult to another.to make us difficult to another.

The Fist ExerciseThe Fist Exercise

Methods of opening the fist:Methods of opening the fist:

1.1. The force and pain technique = If we The force and pain technique = If we force them, their reaction is to hold their force them, their reaction is to hold their fist tighter and will cause them to resist fist tighter and will cause them to resist or resent us or both or resent us or both will give us the will give us the opposite results of what we wantopposite results of what we want

2.2. The “bribe” technique = We were able to The “bribe” technique = We were able to tap into internal motivationtap into internal motivation to get them to get them to hear what we have to say as valuable to hear what we have to say as valuable to them.to them.

e.g.: If I believed the earth were flat and e.g.: If I believed the earth were flat and I saw a ship leave shore and not come I saw a ship leave shore and not come back what will my interpretation be?back what will my interpretation be?

That the ship fell off the face of the That the ship fell off the face of the earthearth

So our beliefs create our interpretations So our beliefs create our interpretations = how we perceive and interpret = how we perceive and interpret everything happening around us.everything happening around us.

Often our interpretations have much Often our interpretations have much more to do with our beliefs than they do more to do with our beliefs than they do with the facts!with the facts!

Our Beliefs ?Our Beliefs ?

Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Beliefs Our Interpretations ? ?

e.g. ctd. : Now if I see another ship e.g. ctd. : Now if I see another ship leaving shore, what will I be thinking?leaving shore, what will I be thinking?

I will be thinking that this ship too I will be thinking that this ship too will fall off the face of the earth and will fall off the face of the earth and will not be coming back will not be coming back

So our interpretations create our So our interpretations create our expectations.expectations.

e.g. ctd. : Based on my expectation e.g. ctd. : Based on my expectation that whenever a ship leaves the shore that whenever a ship leaves the shore it will fall off the face of the earth, what it will fall off the face of the earth, what will this to build up in my heart?will this to build up in my heart?

A A fearfear of sailing of sailing

So our expectations shape our So our expectations shape our emotions.emotions.

Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Expectations ? Our Expectations ?

Our Beliefs Our Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Interpretations Our Expectations Our EmotionsExpectations Our Emotions

?? e.g. ctd. : Since I now have emotions e.g. ctd. : Since I now have emotions about sailing (fear), what will this fear / about sailing (fear), what will this fear / emotion cause me to do or not do?emotion cause me to do or not do?

It will cause me to not want to sail on a It will cause me to not want to sail on a shipship

So our emotions / fears about So our emotions / fears about something determine or will change something determine or will change our behaviors.our behaviors.

Our Beliefs Our Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Interpretations Our Expectations Our EmotionsExpectations Our Emotions

Our Behaviors ?Our Behaviors ? e.g. ctd. : So since I decided not to sail e.g. ctd. : So since I decided not to sail

on a ship and I am still here, therefore…on a ship and I am still here, therefore…

My beliefs are correct!My beliefs are correct!

So our behaviors reinforce our beliefs.So our behaviors reinforce our beliefs.

Our BeliefsOur BeliefsOur Our

InterpretationsInterpretationsOur Our

ExpectationsExpectations

Our EmotionsOur EmotionsOur Our

BehaviorsBehaviors

Same thing with the difficult Same thing with the difficult personperson

Remember babies are hard work, but they are not Remember babies are hard work, but they are not born difficult.born difficult.

The difficult person has certain erroneous beliefs The difficult person has certain erroneous beliefs about the world.about the world.

For e.g. A person who has a low self esteem, feels For e.g. A person who has a low self esteem, feels the world in general is unsafe, so to compensate they the world in general is unsafe, so to compensate they act high and don’t believe in trust and cooperation.act high and don’t believe in trust and cooperation.

If we let their difficulty cause us to become “difficult” If we let their difficulty cause us to become “difficult” in return, this will reinforce their beliefs about the in return, this will reinforce their beliefs about the world including usworld including us

Which will reinforce the undesirable behavior / Which will reinforce the undesirable behavior / difficulty that we wish was not there to start out with.difficulty that we wish was not there to start out with.

Knowledge is Power; Know what to Knowledge is Power; Know what to look forlook for

Customer service clerk at Wal-Mart who is rude and Customer service clerk at Wal-Mart who is rude and obnoxious with every customer!obnoxious with every customer!

You can feel you’re getting angrier and angrier with You can feel you’re getting angrier and angrier with each step closer.each step closer.

As you approach, someone whispers “she was just As you approach, someone whispers “she was just served divorce papers” or “she was just diagnosed served divorce papers” or “she was just diagnosed with a terminal illness”!with a terminal illness”!

What happens to all that anger?What happens to all that anger? Not only does it go away but it turns into Not only does it go away but it turns into

compassion…Why ? Because…compassion…Why ? Because… Our beliefs about this person changedOur beliefs about this person changed Causing our interpretations of what they’re doing to Causing our interpretations of what they’re doing to

changechange Causing our expectations of how they should behave Causing our expectations of how they should behave

to changeto change Causing our emotions to changeCausing our emotions to change Causing our behaviors to changeCausing our behaviors to change

Proverbs 20:5 (1)Proverbs 20:5 (1) ““Counsel in the heart of man is like Counsel in the heart of man is like

deep water, But a man of deep water, But a man of understanding will draw it out.”understanding will draw it out.”

When dealing with a difficult person, When dealing with a difficult person, how do we tap into their internal how do we tap into their internal motivation to hear what I have to say motivation to hear what I have to say as valuable. = as valuable. =

How do we change the relationship we How do we change the relationship we have with this person so that instead of have with this person so that instead of an enemy they become more of an ally?an enemy they become more of an ally?

Proverbs 20:5 (2)Proverbs 20:5 (2)

Often when dealing with a difficult person Often when dealing with a difficult person we try harder and harder to get them to we try harder and harder to get them to listen to us…. To no avail listen to us…. To no avail

What we need to do instead is us LISTEN What we need to do instead is us LISTEN to them.to them.

Often when we’re “listening” we’re Often when we’re “listening” we’re actually forming our response or plan of actually forming our response or plan of attack.attack.

When we When we listenlisten to them to them– (A) we let them vent.(A) we let them vent.– (B) more importantly we can look for what is (B) more importantly we can look for what is

most important to them at that moment.most important to them at that moment.

Proper ParaphrasingProper Paraphrasing

Show them that I am Show them that I am listeninglistening and tell and tell them what I heard them say.them what I heard them say.

If they say “yes”, they know I’m listening If they say “yes”, they know I’m listening and I’m on their side, not against them.and I’m on their side, not against them.

If they say “no”, it is still a good thingIf they say “no”, it is still a good thing– (A) this means I missed something(A) this means I missed something– (B) will still show them that I’m listening and (B) will still show them that I’m listening and

on their side because I care enough to check on their side because I care enough to check with them whether or not I understood themwith them whether or not I understood them

It is “It is “seriousserious” enough to ” enough to them!them!

Sometimes people are difficult simply Sometimes people are difficult simply because they feel that we don’t understand because they feel that we don’t understand the “seriousness” of their problem.the “seriousness” of their problem.

Imagine a distressed child who comes to Imagine a distressed child who comes to me because they can’t fix their little toy, me because they can’t fix their little toy, which, obviously to which, obviously to meme, is easily fixable., is easily fixable.

How will that child feel if I tell them “why How will that child feel if I tell them “why are you making a big deal out of this?” “you are you making a big deal out of this?” “you should should calm downcalm down, it’s not that big a , it’s not that big a problem”.problem”.

We need to show them that we understand We need to show them that we understand that it is serious for them. This does not that it is serious for them. This does not mean that we have to agree but see that it mean that we have to agree but see that it is serious to them.is serious to them.

Proper Order Proper Order L E A P L E A P (1)(1) LListen: Active, appropriate listening with isten: Active, appropriate listening with

paraphrasing.paraphrasing. EEmpathize: Show (not tell) them that we mpathize: Show (not tell) them that we

understand how they feel and that we see understand how they feel and that we see that it is serious for them.that it is serious for them.

AAsk: Sometimes people get difficult because sk: Sometimes people get difficult because they feel that we don’t value their ideas. they feel that we don’t value their ideas. Asking them for their ideas / input shows Asking them for their ideas / input shows them that:them that:– I heard themI heard them– I value them by valuing their opinionI value them by valuing their opinion– I believe they are not too “--------” to come up with I believe they are not too “--------” to come up with

a solutiona solution– We take away their We take away their fearfear of us winning and them of us winning and them

losing, because we will come up with a solution losing, because we will come up with a solution that included their inputthat included their input

Proper Order Proper Order L E A P L E A P (2)(2)

PProblem-solve: Is the last step and is roblem-solve: Is the last step and is probably not that crucial to them.probably not that crucial to them.

Do NOT jump straight into problem Do NOT jump straight into problem solving.solving.

It changes the order It changes the order from a LEAPfrom a LEAP of of joy because we listen to them and joy because we listen to them and value them and their input value them and their input to a …to a …

PLEAPLEA for us to listen to them and for us to listen to them and value them and their input.value them and their input.

Reminders (1)Reminders (1)

1.1. Don’t Panic = don’t react.Don’t Panic = don’t react.

2.2. The bribe technique = tap into their The bribe technique = tap into their internal motivation. No force.internal motivation. No force.

3.3. Our Beliefs Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Interpretations Our Expectations Our Expectations Our Emotions Our Emotions Our Behaviors Our Behaviors Our Beliefs. (babies Our Beliefs. (babies are not born as “difficult” people)are not born as “difficult” people)

4. 4. Knowledge is power; Know what to Knowledge is power; Know what to look for (The Wal-Mart clerk example)look for (The Wal-Mart clerk example)

Reminders (2)Reminders (2)5.5. Proverbs 20:5. Tap into their internal Proverbs 20:5. Tap into their internal

motivation to hear what I have to say motivation to hear what I have to say as valuable. as valuable.

6. 6. Proper ParaphrasingProper Paraphrasing7.7. Show them that we understand that it Show them that we understand that it

is serious for them. is serious for them. 8.8. LEAP: LEAP: LListen, isten, EEmpathize, mpathize, AAsk, sk,

PProblem-solve. Not PLEAroblem-solve. Not PLEA

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Dealing with “DIFFICULT” PeopleDealing with “DIFFICULT” People

Part IIPart II

BOB = Beware of “BUT”BOB = Beware of “BUT”

““I see what you have to say, BUT I have some I see what you have to say, BUT I have some thoughts about that as well” = ?thoughts about that as well” = ?

““but” negates whatever I said before it. If I do but” negates whatever I said before it. If I do that they will not hear anything else I have to that they will not hear anything else I have to say after “but”say after “but”

““I see what you have to say AND I have some I see what you have to say AND I have some thoughts about that as well” = ?thoughts about that as well” = ?– Now they will be more open to what I have to say. AndNow they will be more open to what I have to say. And– I’m joining their solution with mine to work I’m joining their solution with mine to work togethertogether = =

we’re allies not enemies.we’re allies not enemies. If you must, say the negative first and then “but”If you must, say the negative first and then “but”

LEAPLEAPSS (the St. Paul (the St. Paul Sandwich)Sandwich)

Speak to them without blaming or criticizing.Speak to them without blaming or criticizing.

If we blame or criticize, we automatically put If we blame or criticize, we automatically put them on the defensive and if they’re on the them on the defensive and if they’re on the defensive, THEY ARE NOT LISTENING!defensive, THEY ARE NOT LISTENING!

If we want them to actually hear what we have to If we want them to actually hear what we have to say, we need to make them feel safe enough to say, we need to make them feel safe enough to focus on what we’re saying instead of focusing on focus on what we’re saying instead of focusing on defending themselves.defending themselves.

St. Paul’s letters. e.g.: Philemon. (Start with St. Paul’s letters. e.g.: Philemon. (Start with complimenting / making feel safe, give the meat complimenting / making feel safe, give the meat and end with complimenting again)and end with complimenting again)

PPOWER (1)OWER (1)

Prevention is better than treatmentPrevention is better than treatment Act and live Act and live PPurposefullyurposefully Some people just react to whatever is going Some people just react to whatever is going

on in their life.on in their life. I need to think about what my purpose is I need to think about what my purpose is

and always ask myself “Is what I’m doing and always ask myself “Is what I’m doing congruent with my purpose?”congruent with my purpose?”

If I do this, I If I do this, I maymay be able to avoid some be able to avoid some difficulties or at least to nip them in the difficulties or at least to nip them in the bud.bud.

PPOOWER (2)WER (2)

Looking at Looking at OOur past at home and how ur past at home and how conflict was dealt with sheds a light on conflict was dealt with sheds a light on how we may deal with difficult people and how we may deal with difficult people and in what ways we should or should not in what ways we should or should not behave and what if anything we need to behave and what if anything we need to change.change.

Awareness of our past serves us by letting Awareness of our past serves us by letting us see what unprofitable ways we need to us see what unprofitable ways we need to let go of and what good methods we let go of and what good methods we learned to hold on to.learned to hold on to.

POPOWWER (3)ER (3) Use the Use the WWisdom of the serenity prayer “God, grant isdom of the serenity prayer “God, grant

me the serenity to accept the things I can not me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and change, the courage to change the things I can and the the wwisdom to know the difference" It does NOT say:isdom to know the difference" It does NOT say:

"God, ok, if I have to accept what I can't change, I "God, ok, if I have to accept what I can't change, I guess I'll accept what I can't change and I'll just guess I'll accept what I can't change and I'll just change what I can and then … I get serenity." change what I can and then … I get serenity."

It is not called “the get it all done prayer” or “the It is not called “the get it all done prayer” or “the make people be how I want them to be prayer”make people be how I want them to be prayer”

1.1. We can not change people when they're being We can not change people when they're being difficult.difficult.

2.2. First we can change our response and how we First we can change our response and how we behave with them and then this will create the behave with them and then this will create the opportunity and open the door for us to have some opportunity and open the door for us to have some influence over the situation.influence over the situation.

3.3. If we start by trying to change them, they will If we start by trying to change them, they will naturally become more resistant.naturally become more resistant.

POWPOWEER (4)R (4) Difficult people have a general Difficult people have a general EEnergy of Fear.nergy of Fear. They’re afraid … :They’re afraid … :

– We won’t listenWe won’t listen– We don’t understand the “seriousness” of their problem or We don’t understand the “seriousness” of their problem or

that they have the right to be upsetthat they have the right to be upset– We don’t value their input or their ideasWe don’t value their input or their ideas– If we “win” and they “lose”, we will criticize and blame If we “win” and they “lose”, we will criticize and blame

themthem So I need to So I need to pausepause for a moment before responding for a moment before responding

in order to:in order to:1.1. Give them a chance to feel that I’m listeningGive them a chance to feel that I’m listening2.2. Gives me a chance to think of what my purpose is and of Gives me a chance to think of what my purpose is and of

something better to say and of what this person really something better to say and of what this person really needs (often what is bothering them is not the actual issue, needs (often what is bothering them is not the actual issue, but something deeper)but something deeper)

3.3. If I look at them as someone fearfulIf I look at them as someone fearful, this will change my , this will change my whole view of them and the situation and will make it easier whole view of them and the situation and will make it easier for me to have some compassion and show some Christian for me to have some compassion and show some Christian love toward them.love toward them. (1(1stst John 2:11) “But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in John 2:11) “But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.”blinded his eyes.”

POWEPOWERR (5) (5) Take Take RResponsibility for my response-abilityesponsibility for my response-ability

Don’t say “he made me so angry”, “she Don’t say “he made me so angry”, “she made me yell or made me get stubborn made me yell or made me get stubborn about the whole thing” or “he made me about the whole thing” or “he made me make this choice” … etc.make this choice” … etc.

If I blame someone else for “making” me feel If I blame someone else for “making” me feel or do or say something I don't want to do, or do or say something I don't want to do, this means that they have total this means that they have total power over power over meme. .

If I want to take the power back and give it to If I want to take the power back and give it to myself, I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to take responsibility for whatever I say or dowhatever I say or do

Don’t shoot the messenger Don’t shoot the messenger (1)(1)

Why is there a good bit of arguing and Why is there a good bit of arguing and fighting when the couple is newly wed?fighting when the couple is newly wed?

Why is a ship with two captains at a Why is a ship with two captains at a higher risk for sinking?higher risk for sinking?

Remember when we talked about how Remember when we talked about how different people are simply because of different people are simply because of their birth order?their birth order?

Remember that Remember that YOUYOU are a difficult are a difficult person to somebody else.person to somebody else.

Don’t shoot the messenger (2)Don’t shoot the messenger (2) If I’m dealing with a difficult person, ask myself the If I’m dealing with a difficult person, ask myself the

question: How would _______ deal with this person right question: How would _______ deal with this person right now?now?

Would a more spiritual person not find “difficult person” Would a more spiritual person not find “difficult person” that difficult? Or at least take longer to consider them that difficult? Or at least take longer to consider them difficult?difficult?– Picture two people arguing together “A” is difficult and “B” is Picture two people arguing together “A” is difficult and “B” is

not,not,– then person “C” who is more spiritual than “B” comes in the then person “C” who is more spiritual than “B” comes in the

picture, speaks for a minute to “A” and then whole issue is over.picture, speaks for a minute to “A” and then whole issue is over.– What was the main factor that ended the issue?What was the main factor that ended the issue?– The fact that “C” more spiritual / wiser than “B”The fact that “C” more spiritual / wiser than “B”

We need to thank God for difficult people! Because:We need to thank God for difficult people! Because:

They bring out what is not right in us = they reveal our They bring out what is not right in us = they reveal our sinsin

Reminders (1)Reminders (1)1.1. Don’t Panic = don’t react.Don’t Panic = don’t react.

2.2. The bribe technique = tap into their The bribe technique = tap into their internal motivation. No force.internal motivation. No force.

3.3. Our Beliefs Our Beliefs Our Interpretations Our Interpretations Our Our Expectations Expectations Our Emotions Our Emotions Our Our Behaviors Behaviors Our Beliefs. (babies are not Our Beliefs. (babies are not born as “difficult” people)born as “difficult” people)

4. 4. Knowledge is power; Know what to look for Knowledge is power; Know what to look for (The Wal-Mart clerk example)(The Wal-Mart clerk example)

5.5. Proverbs 20:5. Tap into their internal Proverbs 20:5. Tap into their internal motivation to hear what I have to say as motivation to hear what I have to say as valuable.valuable.

Reminders (2)Reminders (2)6. 6. Proper ParaphrasingProper Paraphrasing

7.7. Show them that we understand that it is Show them that we understand that it is serious for them. serious for them.

8.8. LEAP: LEAP: LListen, isten, EEmpathize, mpathize, AAsk, sk, PProblem roblem solve. Not PLEAsolve. Not PLEA

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9.9. BOB. Beware of “BUT” use “AND” insteadBOB. Beware of “BUT” use “AND” instead

10.10. LEAPLEAPSS: Speak without blaming or : Speak without blaming or criticizing (the St. Paul Sandwich)criticizing (the St. Paul Sandwich)

Reminders (3)Reminders (3)11.11. POWERPOWER

Prevention: What is my Prevention: What is my PPurpose and is what I’m doing urpose and is what I’m doing congruent with that purpose?congruent with that purpose?

When dealing with difficult people, When dealing with difficult people, OOur past can shed a light ur past can shed a light on what we need to hold on to and what we need to let go on what we need to hold on to and what we need to let go of.of.

The The WWisdom of the serenity prayer reminds me to work on isdom of the serenity prayer reminds me to work on what I can change first (me) to open opportunities for me to what I can change first (me) to open opportunities for me to influence what I could not change at first.influence what I could not change at first.

Remind myself that what makes people difficult is a general Remind myself that what makes people difficult is a general EEnergy of Fear of something and to pause and calm that fearnergy of Fear of something and to pause and calm that fear

I need to take 100% I need to take 100% RResponsibility for my response-abilityesponsibility for my response-ability

12.12. Remember that YOU are difficult to Remember that YOU are difficult to somebody else.somebody else.

13.13. Ultimately what difficult people do is Ultimately what difficult people do is reveal what is not right in me = It’s an reveal what is not right in me = It’s an opportunity for me.opportunity for me.

Glory be to God Forever, Amen.Glory be to God Forever, Amen.