Develop Your Emotional IntelligenceChapter 8

Emotional Intelligence• According to Goleman, IQ

contributes 20% to the factors leading to success in life

• The other 80% are due to attitudes, skills and behaviors known as emotional intelligence– http://www.danielgoleman.info/blog/

Emotional Intelligence Skills

• Skills included in Emotional Intelligence (EQ):– Being able to motivate yourself– Persevering during frustration – Delaying gratification– Controlling emotions and impulses– Empathizing with others– Having a positive attitude

Goleman’s Five Domains of EQ

• Self-awareness

• Managing your emotions

• Self-motivation

• Perceptiveness

• Handling relationships

Relationships

• Dependence

• Independence

• Co-Dependence (depending on each other because they feel they can’t survive on their own)

• Interdependence (two or more independent individuals decide to come together to achieve a common goal– Synergy as the energy between two for a common goal (eg, the

musician and the audience)

Win-Win Frame

• Finding a solution that pleases both

Prisoner’s Dilemna

• Jose and Maria are arrested for armed robbery at Sedano’s

• They are arrested and placed in separate jail cells

• Both care most about their personal freedom than about the welfare of their accomplice

The prosecutor tells each:

• “You may choose to confess or remain silent. If you confess and your accomplice remains silent, I will drop all charges against you and use your testimony to insure that your accomplice does serious time. Likewise, if your accomplice confesses while you remain silent, he will go free while you do the time. If you both confess, I will get two convictions, but I will see to it that you both get an early parole. If you both remain silent, I’ll have to settle for token sentences on firearms possession charges. If you wish to confess, you must leave a note with the jailer before my return tomorrow morning.”

The “Dilemma”

• Each gains the most if one confesses and the other does not

• The outcome obtained when both confess is worse for each than the outcome they would get if both remain silent

• If both cooperate, they both end up winning

• If they compete, both lose

Prisoner’s Dilemma

• Three possible outcomes– One subject wins by betraying a partner– Both win by cooperating– Both lose by competing and betraying

each other

Win-Lose or Lose-Win Outcomes

• The concept of competition…• Sports are based on win-lose• Board games, and card games as well• Our educational system, as well• Does this work, however, with

relationships?

Lose-lose Outcomes

• None of the participants can get what they want, and neither side is satisfied with the outcome.

• Failing to resolve a conflict is an example of lose-lose outcomes (war)

Win-win Outcomes

• Requires courage and consideration

• Only one banana left, with three people wanting it…win-win, cut the banana into three equal pieces

• Barriers to win-win– We are socialized to be competitive– Anger or resentment– Requires cooperation of all involved

When not to go for a Win-Win

• Consider giving in to the other person and accepting a lose-win outcome when:– You discover you are in the wrong– The issue is very important to the other

person and of minimal importance to you

– Other people need to learn a valuable lesson by making a mistake

– The long term cost of winning outweighs the short term gains of such

Compromise

• Consider a compromise when:– Sufficient time does not exist to forge a

win-win solution– The issue is not important enough to

spend time in further negotiation– The other person is definitely not open

to a win-win outcome

Compete for Win-Lose

• Consider competing and going for a win-lose outcome when…– The issue is very important to you, the

other person is certain to take advantage of you if you approach the situation in a noncompetitive fashion, and you are really not concerned with establishing a long term relationship

Consider Win-Win

• Consider cooperation and trying for a win-win outcome when– The issue is too vital to settle for a

compromise– A long term relationship between you

and the other is at stake or in jeopardy– The other person is willing to cooperate

Conflict Resolution

• When conflict/disagreements exist between people who do not have emotional bonds with each other, the steps to effectively resolve the situation is through conflict resolution.

Steps to Handle Conflicts:

• Acknowledge/Identify the Problem• Agree on a Date and a Procedure• Describe Your Problem and Your Needs• Seriously consider the other party’s point

of view• Explore possible solutions• Evaluate and negotiate• Enact the Solution and followup

Anger

• Basic human emotion

• Frustration-aggression hypothesis

• Freud– Innate aggressive drive

• Catharsis

Violence

• Violence as a form of aggression found in:– Previous history of violent behavior

– Having been physically abused in childhood

– Having witnessed violence in the home as a child

– A history of harming animals as a child

– Heavy exposure to violent tv or video games

– Absences of remorse over hurting others

– Family history of mental illness or violence

– Brain damage

Road Rage

• http://www.youtube.com/watch_fullscreen?video_id=2vwxAVZ6fJ4&l=33&t=OEgsToPDskIjXFtIlOED44Yx59ibB1p2&sk=NG5J21MVsUh3jE9wmn8f1wC&fs=1&title=road rage

Six Situations Likely to Trigger Road Rage:

1. Hostile gestures from other drivers

2. Other drivers breaking traffic laws

3. The presence of a police car

4. Another driver driving too slowly

5. Driver discourtesy

6. Traffic jams or obstructions

Attribution Theory

• Those we feel closest to are usually the ones we target our anger toward the most

• How you label your emotion your physiological arousal determines what you feel

• Emotion is much more than a physiological event

• If humans are faced with physiological arousal of unknown origin, they will search their environment for an appropriate explanation or label for this arousal.

Schacter & Singer (1962)

• Injected subjects with adrenalin which can cause powerful arousal reactions. However, they told the subjects they were getting vitamin shots.

• Next, they presented confederates who supposedly were given the same vitamin shot.

• The confederates would either react with anger or with euphoria

• Subjects exposed to the “angry” confederates also got “angry” those exposed to the “euphorics” also became “euphoric”

• Those subjects injected with a placebo, however, did not have any strong emotional reactions

Emotions, therefore

• Are created by your evaluation of your internal and external environment

• Hence, we attribute our emotions to how we perceive the internal and external cues

Type A

• Type A personality– Hard driving– Achievement oriented– Compulsive– Overly concerned with time pressure

and easy to anger

– Strong relationship between Type A and cardiac problems

Type B

• Laid back

• Easygoing

• Less concerned with time

Vesuvius Effect

• When you explode like a volcano

Zillman (1989)

• Recommends two strategies to defuse your anger– Use cognitive restructuring and

reframing technique to challenge anger provoking thoughts in order to facilitate a reevaluation of the original interpretation that trigged anger in the first place

– Pursue a cooling off period to defuse anger and allow yourself to physiologically cool down.

Learning to Control Your Anger

• Be aware of your anger• Interrupt angry thoughts• Cultivate empathy• Learn to laugh• Practice active relaxation techniques• Improve your listening skills• Take the risk to trust others• Practice the art of forgiving others

Reframing Anger

• Look for Comedy

• The “Grand Drama” viewpoint

• A chapter in your life

• Viewing Criticism as feedback

• Develop your own plan to defuse anger

• Forgive

• Be assertive