developing self-confidence and assertiveness

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Joy Anne C. Nicodemus, MD Department of Family and Community Medicine

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8/6/2019 Developing Self-Confidence and Assertiveness

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Joy Anne C. Nicodemus, MD

Department of Family and Community Medicine

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People with high self esteem behave 

confidently 

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L ow self esteem stops all efforts to be 

confident 

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�Relationships

�Work

� Parenting

� Life skills (decisionmaking, achieving,improving situations orcircumstances you don·tlike)

� Expressing yourself

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�Taking up new challenges

� Being open to change

� Self improvement

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� From within yourself

� From others

� From your achievements

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Defend yourself. Your self esteem depends on it.

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Starting out with low

self-confidence

Less effort on taking

new challenges or 

new things

Low self confidence

can sabotage your efforts in trying

something

Likelihood to succeed

becomes less

Lack of 

accomplishment and

failures

Reinforcement of low

self confidence

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Self-confidence

More likely to

attempt just about

anything

Try and attempt more

things

Likelihood to succeed is

much more!

Incredible boost

in self-

confidence Attaining full

potential!

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�Neurologically

� You are carving a path of least resistance through

your brain!

� With enough reinforcement, you develop a reflexto certain kinds of stimuli

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Negative Reflex Positive Reflex

� Example: smokertries to quit smokingand fails� Negative snowball takes

effect

� Negativism to the ideaof quitting

� If anyone suggestsquitting n the future

the brain automaticallyrejects possibility

� ´Trying to quitµ =´Failureµ

� People who are eager

to try anything

� Undeterred when they

fail, if ever they do fail� Positive reflex allows

their thoughts to learn

from their mistakes

� ´Failureµ = ´I·ll do even

better next time!µ

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� Self imposed programming

� If we fail to do something perfectly the first time

we try it we begin to believe that we cannot do

it

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�Negative programming from others

� ´You can·t do thisµ

� ´You·ll never be able to do thatµ

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What are the thingsthat you have been led

to believe you cannotattain but that you

know intellectually areentirely possible?

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Positive Affirmations

Guided Visualization

Mental Imagery

Goal-OrientedMeditation

Breathing Techniques

SubliminalProgramming

Whole-Brain

Learning

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� Positive Affirmations

� Carefully-worded statements that you repeat to

yourself

� Designed to establish new thinking patterns inyour mind

� When you think you can do it then you can do it!

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�Things to keep in mind

1. Repeat the statements to yourself (out loud

or silently)

2. When you repeat an affirmation, FEEL it,BELIEVE it, and KNOW it!

3. Allow yourself to experience the feelings of

joy, satisfaction, power and self-confidence

as you do each affirmation

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³I choose to be self-confident«´ 

³I breath as a positive person«´ 

³I am intelligent«´ 

³My body language projects self-

confidence«´ 

³I reject negativity at all levels of 

consciousness «´ 

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� Look for a model and learn from them

� What is it they do that makes them confident?

� How do they act?

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� Focus on your achievements

� Even if you failed

Try to work out what you did right

Focus on how you could succeed next time

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�Act as if you were confident

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� Prepare thoroughly for any task so that you can

be sure you are ready

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�Work on any skills you need to do what you

want

� You can never be over trained or over skilled for

any challenge in life

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� Learn relaxation skills

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�Always smile

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� Set reachable goals for yourself

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�Reward yourself when you succeed

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� Feel good when you want

� Find three things that make you feel good

Memories of good times

A piece of music A holiday souvenir

A person·s face

� Use photos if it helps

� Practice thinking about them and bringing them

to mind

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� Beat self consciousness

� Learn how to keep your attention off yourself

Choose something ´everydayµ you can see and study it

in detail

y Example: examine a door, look at the different

textures and shades of color, and wonder about who

made it and how

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� Beat self consciousness

� Learn how to keep your attention off yourself

Self consciousness in social situations maybe you

don·t have enough to do!

y Focus on what your purpose in the situation is

y Are you there to«

Find out it you like the other people in the situation

Make others feel comfortable

Find out some information

Make business contacts

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�Don·t take undue criticism ² Even from

yourself!

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�Confident-looking people have bad moments

too

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� Just because you feel under-confident,

doesn·t mean other people can tell

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� If you are saying things to yourself like,

´You·re no good at anythingµ you are

WRONG

�Don·t let yourself make sweeping statementsabout yourself

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Building self-esteem is not just 

about thinking good of yourself,it·s about not thinking bad for no

reason! 

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� Just because you have felt bad about yourself in

the past does not mean you·re always going to

feel that way

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´H ow can I become more able to resist the pressure and 

dominance of excessively dominant people?µ 

´H ow can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in 

 particular)?µ 

´H ow can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?µ 

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�Dominance for the sake of being dominant

�Not a natural behavior for most people

�Assertive behavior of highly dominant people

� Driven by their personality (and often insecurity)

� Not something that has been ´trainedµ

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Leadership with

dominance � Goodleadership

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� Inclusive, developmental and a force for

what is right

�Does not ´dominateµ non-assertive people

it includes them and involves them

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� Excessively dominant people

�Very insecure people deep-down

�Are too insecure to allow other people to

have responsibility and influence

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� Behavior is effectively reinforced by the

response by ´secureµ and ´non-assertiveµ

people to bullying

� Bullying dominant behavior is rewarded, and so itpersists

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�Do not normally actually aspire to being

excessively dominant people

� ´I·d like to be more able to resist the

pressure and dominance of excessivelydominant people.µ

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�Know the facts and have them to hand

� If you know and can produce facts to support or

defend your position it is unlikely that the

aggressor will have anything prepared in

response

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�Anticipate other people·s behavior and

prepare your responses

� Role play in your mind how things are likely to

happen� Prepare your responses according to the different

scenarios that you think could unfold

� Prepare other people to support and defend you

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� Prepare and use good open-ended questions

� To expose flaws in other people·s argument

� Reliable way of gaining the initiative, and taking

the wind out of someone·s sails, in any situation

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´W hat is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?µ 

´W ho have you consulted about this?µ 

´H ow did you go about looking for alternative solutions?µ 

´H ow have you measured (whatever you say is a problem)?µ 

´H ow will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if 

 you implement it?µ 

´W hat can you say about different solutions that have worked in 

other situations?µ 

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� Stick to your guns

� If the question is avoided or ignored

� Return to it

� Re-phrase it

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�Re-condition and practice your own reactions

to aggression

� Build your own ´triggered reactionsµ

� Give yourself ´thinking timeµ to prevent yourselfbeing bulldozed

� ´Making a brick wallµ in the face of someone

else·s attempt to dominate you without

justification

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´H old on a minute ² I need to consider what you have just 

said.µ 

´ I·m not sure about that. It·s too important to make a 

snap decision right now«µ 

´ I can·t agree to that at such short notice. Tell me when 

 you really need to know, and I·ll get back to you«µ 

Suggested Responses to

 Aggression

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� Practice with your most scary friend shouting

right in your face for you to ´do as you are

toldµ

� Time after time, and in between each time saycalmly (and believe it·s true) ´You don·t frighten

me.µ

� Practice it until you can control your response to

being shouted at

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�Have faith that your own abilities and style

will ultimately work if you let them

� Find out what your strengths and style are and

use them to defend and support your position

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Process

Detail

Dependability

Reliability

Finishing things

Checking

Monitoring

Communicating

Interpreting &

understanding

Working with others

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� Feel sympathy for bullies ² they actually

need it

� Aggressors are often grown from children who

were not loved, or from children who wereforced to live out the aspirations of parents

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